Art, SB NSFW & SFW, Thoughts and Feelings

by DragonGamerGirl13

Summary:

Lots of cringe stuff in here. Dunno if you want to really look Lol Just some porn and like...crappy life stuff.

Chapter 1: Sun and Moon Yet Another Restyle

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Chapter 2: Present

Summary:

Just a pervy holiday joke when I could actually be making good porns. Lol sorry, I'm often times a dumbass. Showing my age with this joke but, oh well. Ever see someone be so charming yet so sleezy at the same time? Gotta love Moon Lol Merry Xmas.

And canon to me that they have certain holiday outfits sometimes and the Pizzaplex gets all decked out in holiday stuff...you know, capitalism and America and all. Maybe eventually I'll do some other thing on their holiday outfits and differences, idk, the thought of them changing up the monotony a little with different colors, patterns, and slightly different paint jobs seem fun.

Chapter 3: Liar

Summary:

Two versions of this available because I know sometimes words and effects can be a bit much sometimes, and I honestly just don't know which I like better...so why not both? Lol Don't ask, was just some really naughty thoughts upon waking up one day. I was just thinkin...ugh Got-DAYM, what if he actually showed everyone you being fucked relentlessly by this damn robot doofus without your knowledge most of the time lmao NOM!!! -O.O-;;

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Chapter 4: The Goils

Chapter 5: All Stars Fall Eventually

Summary:

I’m sorry for the long wait on anything new...I was in creative jail, yet again! For the future, before handing out suspensions, I’d implore you to change your punishment system and perhaps before deleting works and suspending, I’d please ask you to warn the author first, give them a warning and then some time to change the infraction, please. A little more patience and mercy was needed in these situations and more of a humanly touch. I will now just TRY to finish my Harry Potter story and then, probably never use this website again, sorry to say. Writing has kind of been killed for me…so yes congrats, I finally run away wimpering with my tail between my legs...

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So. I am really leaving Fnaf this time...no fucking video, no other drama. This is it. My heart’s been shattered too much by almost everyone in this fandom. I just want to leave, run as far away as I can, and never look back. So many of you Sun and Moon fans are just...really messed up people, and I hope and pray you get some mental help before you destroy another desperate and lonely adult’s life. Hurt people go on to hurt others...and so many of you are so traumatized, that you don’t care who you hurt just because you’re in pain. Just because you’re scared of one singular, made-up, fictional, fantasy kink. If you got SA’ed in real life, I feel sorry for you, and bad for you, but I didn’t do those things to you and neither did Calypso...I’m just one 30 year old fucking (slowly dying) woman that actually tends to keep to herself, and Calypso is a FICTIONAL animatronic. She isn’t capable of causing real damage because she isn’t even real...but your words and actions ARE real, and cause the most damage.

I feel I will never be the same again. I had a big, open, and very soft heart before this fandom...and I’m going to have to learn how to re-soften it, because it’s been beaten down so hard, it’s harder than titanium and darker now than Peruvian Instant Darkness Powder. I’m going to have to learn all about life and love again, and even friendship again, because this fandom...has turned all of those things on their heads for me. Now I don’t know up from fucking down, and can’t trust anyone. You stalkers of me in this fandom will never let me rest as long as I keep doing this content and giving you more…so, no more. Yep. I’m actually done for real now, this time. Consider this the start of my real villain arch. You bite the hand that feeds, you don’t get any more food...and I’ve taken a lot of bites and can tolerate a lot...but I’ve finally reached my threshold, and no longer want to keep supplying everyone with the bullets to load into your guns to shoot at me with. All I wanted to do was be dirty and nasty, and very loving, through these fucking characters and OCs…THAT’S IT! And I hopefully wanted to gain some fucking friends...what an abysmally stupid thought that was.

It’s funny. I’d see complaints of “Where’s a pansexual and poly Daycare Attendant?” Then I do it because that’s just how I am naturally, and still get damned just because it wasn’t in your specific way? I also just thought...you guys were more degenerate than that??? How did my degeneracy and horniness top everyone else??? This is just an average fucking Tuesday in my mind, all those orgies and things. So you want to make a porn empire, but some kinks aren’t allowed and you’re allowed to bully people with those kinks, and only less degenerate and twisted versions of them are allowed??? Well, that’s ultra boring to me, so...you guys can keep that kind of version of the Daycare Attendant, I liked mine way better and I truly was a better artist and writer than 99% of the people that came after me for so fucking long. I was too good, and I did burn too brightly...had to just be taken down before I could take a moment of your spotlight, I guess. I had too much talent in too many areas, and so many just could not stand for that. Shrugs

I was new to the Fnaf scene, last year, and even the Twitter scene, I had no idea wtf I was doing and no idea the amount of darkness these other artists of them would bring me. I honestly give 0 fucks about the games, and even SB pissed me off to no end to play, what a buggy fucking mess! I think jumpscares are stupid and a cheap way to startle someone, and I never been into those point-n-clicks or any of the classics really, I only watched Markiplier play them out of sheer boredom. I was really just madly in love with the god damn Daycare Attendant, and boy do I regret falling in love with him at all now and wonder what the past year could have been like; his fans ruined my god damn heart and life, probably completely, and I have to rebuild and remember to never be so vulnerable, open, honest, and kind ever again when it comes to online interactions. I couldn’t have known though...I couldn’t have known there was no such thing as mercy and real love to Daycare Attendant simps. Everyone leave me the fuck alone now, and hopefully I can find someone who is like my Daycare Attendant in real life around me...I probably won’t settle for any less. I don’t regret everything I’ve learned from this fandom though. I’ve learned about so many kinks and more BDSM stuff then I knew before, and I learned never to trust other fans of something and they just aren’t you...they don’t have your heart, and they will not understand your reasons, even if you explain them in full detail, they will just only see the bad. I learned there is no point to apologizing or making amends, because most of you Twitter users don’t have a heart to start with. Forgot it or dropped it on the ground when you were handed that Ipad as a child instead of your parents being actual parents. I may have had abusive and neglectful parents, but at least the bad can humble you and teach you that human interaction and connection is an important thing. Maybe you all weren’t isolated enough as a child in order to see my perspective...maybe you weren’t all alone in your room, with no friends, and only video games and art as a distraction. Maybe you got to feel the sun on your skin more than I did, got to laugh and play much more than I did without getting beaten down physically all the time, and maybe that’s why you so blatantly and brazenly take other people’s feelings and lives for a joke and something to be played with.

I will never be able to forgive the absence of mercy that I was displayed, time and time again. I will never forgive what this fandom has done to me...I’ll never be able to forgive it all, but I hope to any higher power, than I can forget eventually...while your lives fucking burn. You’ve sealed your fate when you’ve prevented me from being able to freely love a robot without prejudice...I do hold a certain type of magic about me, that gets released on those who do nothing but destroy. You’ve made the Aether and the Universe your number one enemy when you’ve destroyed an actual good heart...nothing good will really stick for you in life now...you’ll all be the new Kings and Queens of Nothing, who deserve that fate and more...while my kingdom is rebuilding from scratch.

The worst thing is, those I would try to trust and talk to to gain as a friend...you’d just betray me, eventually. You’d be friendly with me until I told you vulnerable secrets and things I’ve grown from...and then, you’d exploit them and out them...stupid things I’d do as a teenager. You’d even exploit my sex addiction too...someone who can’t really say no, to almost anyone. One of you even sexted me, and used me to cum once...and then that was it. You know who you are, every single person who ruined my fun and creativity for this stuff...I was so excited about someone being dirty with me just randomly...only for them to never talk to me again once I came back, or just outright turn against me...all probably too indoctrinated by their little friends against me already. You guys taint everything you touch (that bullied me)...and got to them and poisoned them, too, more than likely. Not that it matters anymore, as I’ve pretty much have moved on...was forced to. I no longer need my smut in order to sleep or really even need to see or hear him anymore to get off...so if anything, your cruelty actually made me a lot stronger.

I thank you for your cruelty, everyone involved...it taught me everything I needed to know about the world, other artists and authors, fandoms, and love...or more so, the lack of love. You’ve all who’ve wrecked my life...taught me so much about humanity...I was getting blinded, again. Blinded by the rose tinted glasses, thinking there was more to people than just...their flesh and what that can give me, but I guess, I was wrong. There’s usually nothing in there but vapidness and emptiness, and humanity truly is doomed and a blight to this Earth...and I can only hope that a few can really prove me wrong, and heal this broken heart in my reality...

So now, I’ll be secretly waiting on and hoping for the end of Fnaf. I will grin the largest grin on my face, when Scott Cawthon and all his buddies at Steel Wool say they are no longer making anymore Fnaf, and I hope Scott says he regrets it, and regrets the fans, and hates you all. I hope he hates you all, and will never provide you anymore games or anything, just as I will do now. After all, if I can’t have it...why the hell should any of you? What really makes you better and more worthy of an ENTIRE fucking fictional franchise?! Nothing, that’s what! So you deserve to lose it, all of you heartless SOBs. It deserves to be turned into a memory, and I hope it’s a painful one...

So, goodbye, yet another love in my life...but I really am stronger than anyone can ever truly know...and I can and have before, walked away from something I loved very dearly once it caused me nothing but pain and heartache. I had to make him let me go in a picture...or he never will. I needed to have one last embrace. I know he’d want me to have my freedom back...I know he’d want me to heal and get even better and do even cooler things as an artist...so, I love you Sun and Moon...goodbye, my love...and to my fans...please, don’t forget me, okay? Maybe every now and then if you still love Sun and Moon...maybe give my stories another read through (if I don’t just get PUNISHED for this last little leaving message and those taken down, too...), please keep my naughtiness alive and I hope you cum so much to it...I’m just sorry there really is no more now from me, and about 10-15 side stories got taken down unjustly, and I don’t have the time or energy to repost them, nor want to...so if you saw them when you could have, I hope you’ll remember those for quite some time. Only a few are on other websites...ones I won’t link because I do not want to make that mistake again...you’ll just have to find me through following on my Twitter.

Hopefully, any other people that are thinking about making art and stories for these guys and come across this, and join Twitter...I hope you take heed. Just be a lot more careful with who you interact with...maybe instead of making my mistakes, and constantly pining away and doing so much for love and acceptance...you’ll tell these people to go fuck themselves, instead...and be able to keep your love for them pure and in tact...like I should have from the very beginning. If you can’t be unhinged sexually in art and fiction...then where in the eff can you do it, you know? There isn’t exactly facilities dedicated to orgies and rape fantasies...

So yeah sorry for the ultra long description of this picture, and thanks if you read all the way through...but these things really needed to be said before I left for good. I never truly deserved this type of treatment, and I am not having a repeat of last year, ever again...and please, don’t any of you ever…everrrrr...do this to anyone again, and I pray to God, Satan, or anyone...that people are given more chances by those that hold more power over them. I pray that empathy and mercy is a thing can be taught since it didn’t come naturally to so many...you needed your crowds to come after me...because you are too weak to stand alone, and too pathetic to even type to me and talk to me at all like a friend when everything was going down. I too pray that next time someone like me in the fandom is stumbled upon...that you take their lives more seriously and realize everyone is grey and makes mistakes...So...Goodbye Sun and Moon, I love you bois, but I resent your fans with the upmost disdain, and can only hope the years going by can ease my pain...so fuck you Fnaf, fuck you bullies, and keep following this horrible path through life, leaving nothing but destruction in your wake...you will in turn, be destroyed yourself.


*Update: Welp, I had a Twitter going for a little while there...got suspended permanently for speaking my truth, so it's gone and I'm not allowed to make anymore (I count that as a win though, making people so offended with just being myself that people are continuing to try to chase me away). My audio stuff is on Inkbunny...you'll just have to look for it, I'm sorry, I can't really link anything else here due to my stalkers (which probably had a hand in getting my account banned on Twitter, as well as caused me much distress and punishments on other websites at no defense for me).

Chapter 6: The PCOS...

Summary:

So, on top of everything...I have been dealing with an incurable syndrome this entire time...and I just, kinda knew it was this but, I was really hoping it wasn't...so, there is a definite reason for my lack of emotional control, and I do deeply apologize...just know, I have a legitimate medical condition that definitely affects my moods, how extreme they are, and affects some of my decision making. Please know I barely had control over my temper and horniness, and I regret it each and every time the werewolf does come out...hormonal problems affected my life much worse than I ever really thought possible. Anyway...

I've got a lot to do in real life now to manage my illness...and increase my quality of life. And I'm not so obsessed as I used to be but...I may still draw anything that's really on my heart and I think I got one singular thing I want to do...FOR ME. No one else...honestly, it was ALL for me...I just wanted to share it because I thought that would be in my favor and draw kinky folks to me...it just...scared everyone off instead. Anyway Imma just, do things for me and not care about much. Even if that makes me a "hypocrite", idc anymore.

Not bothering with another sig, don't care if you find me.

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Kinda just a quick sketch about the things I'm feeling about my (pretty sure, like, 150% sure anyway) diagnosis. It's...kinda hard coming to terms with this syndrome and that it can't ever be stopped, but I kinda had a feeling this was it. So many things about my body and life are making a lot more sense now. It definitely has to be PCOS; not much else really does this to the ovaries and other things are already getting ruled out....*sigh* plus my deepened voice and other kinda male-like features...the instability and extremity in moods. I'm going to have to change so god damn much in my life just to be able to manage this shit better. I'll be on one hormonal medicine soon (and have to take months to make sure it's helping) and probably some other ones after that (for the insulin resistance), and if worse comes to worse well my ovaries might have to come out - both of em. c: Next I'm being sent to a gynecologist and therapist...

One can't help but wonder....just how much of myself is only the disease? How much of myself is my actual attraction, sex drive, and personality? Sigh (I am totally having an identity crisis because of this). I just have to ask if I never had it...would I be a completely different person? Lived a different life, have different beliefs? I can't help but think, I wouldn't be the same. Ever since my first period...I knew something wasn't right...it was devastatingly painful, and have been ever since...I knew I wasn't like the other girls and I wasn't growing like them, nor really behaving like them...I essentially was really, a sex-hormone amalgamation freak. I truly am a monster...on the inside, and it makes me act out in terrible ways with almost no real control over my emotions...hence the werewolf in the picture. Because sometimes, it really does feel like being one... just how much of myself is...really me? Or is all of me always has just been, a walking disease? 

So...what my body is doing, and what it will do until my final breath, or ovaries are taken and I get thrown into menopause...it's a horrible, negative feedback loop between 3 organs. The pituitary gland, the pancreas, and ovaries, are all fucking with each other...which is why it is called a syndrome rather than a disease. It's a more complicated series of biological events that definitely makes you feel diseased...I knew I wasn't normal. So the pituitary gland is constantly bombarding my ovaries with a certain hormone, and not enough of the other, bombarding it constantly. So the eggs more than likely don't mature, and so can't leave, and they turn into fluid filled sacs.  The body in attempt to heal this, tries to then give those sacs testosterone to hopefully push them out...but by then, it's too late, and they are turned to fluid and anchored down. So each new follicle and cyst that gets stuck causes even more T in my system. How does the pancreas come in? Well, these hormones being wrong also makes you resistant to your own insulin...which is why I always had blood sugar crashes and problems as a teenager and couldn't eat right. So insulin resistance, and hormonal imbalance, causes a lot of stress on the brain and body (obviously) and stress hormones will ALSO turn to testosterone in my body...so not eating right, and environmental factors causing stress, also increases T in me to compensate and probably give me more strength to push through...thus making it worse. I think that hormone does affect the insulin in you too and that might be why the pancreas also contributes to this shitty loop, idk there's tons of videos on it and it's very complicated...not all women have the same symptoms either, same sex drive, same androgenized features either. You'll be either 0 sex drive...or over 9000, and I got the latter. 

I thought I'd always be happy to part with my uterus but, my uterus is unaffected...it's my fucking gonads! One of the worst things that can be removed from you...it makes me so sad. I've been grieving over my life and body for a while now and I keep randomly crying...I just knew it. 1 in fucking 10 women, 1 in 10...and there isn't much that can really be done about this. Everything says it's incurable, only manageable, and only you and medicine can help make it more bearable to live in your body. So I probably never had to worry about being pregnant...my eggs don't mature and they fester inside me, and turn to testosterone conduits, and boy does it make me feel like absolute ass. Maybe even why subconsciously I have that oviposition fetish...maybe because my eggs are broken, and most of them can't ripen. I think I'll always have a tinge of sadness there now when I see eggs or see this spring time...my flower is withered, and always has been...and might have to be plucked. 

I think I am also going to find black pearls to wear...to sort of represent my struggle. They appear like a black pearl necklace on the ultrasounds... 

So yeah I guess..I apologize for my craziness...I really couldn't help it, probably ever...and I have to do so much for my body and mind now. That previous pic still holds true though...I have indeed left the FANDOM and it's cold hard merciless grip on me, but I actually love standing alone...probably should have always. I have always been a freak that should care not for the attention of other humans...I don't need their judgement anyway...everything I always do ever, was to fulfil my dreams and attempt to conquer a messed up body, mind, and past...

Chapter 7: Dream Taker and Heart Breaker

Summary:

So...I...I don't have a boyfriend anymore...after 12 years...of trying so hard. We truly gave it our all, and I hold no resentment for him now since we did finally talk...and I wish him the best in the journey forward, honestly. I want him to have happiness in his life...it's just...we couldn't find our happiness together, and sometimes, it be like that though. Sometimes, the love language doesn't mix no matter how hard each tries...it's like speaking a foreign language to each other. I...want yall to learn the same lesson I have learned these passed few weeks...that happiness is the true meaning of life. See, I took shrooms with a great friend recently and...it really changed my fucking life. It really opened my mind, and was the greatest high I've ever experienced...even better than a sex high. It made an even more honest woman out of me...and made me realize so much, and also calmed me right the hell down, and gave my mind such clarity. Highly recommend everyone try them at least once in your life...it will really change things for you.

I just wanted to post this poem, I guess, even though these things recently have nothing to do with Fnaf, and I'm sorry.

Dream taker and heart breaker
With a smile and soft voice
Whose kindness blinded me
To the darkness within

Tired of being the operator
Of a well-oiled machine of lies
Tired of wasting my heart and time
For even large things are finite

You never needed love
You needed fucking therapy
And my heart was never a prop
For you to rest your dirty feet

How can I be a slut?
When you’ve scared everyone away…
I have no friends left
Nor anything left to give

You’ve destroyed more than you know
Robbed my life, light, and fun
Your embrace is one that smothers
And your silence is deafening

It’s not possible for me to enslave you
You’re the male with all the power
And the tale as old as time
Saw me as subhuman and meek

I gave you my all
But you sucked me dry
Sipped from an empty cup
A flower already withered

This bird in a cage, sadly for you
Is a blazing, burning phoenix
From the ashes, will rise again
And light up this dark, lonely sky

I’m just a “slut”
And forever will be in your eyes
Nothing more
I’ve always been so much more

All I knew was pain
And now, I can know recovery
I’ve squeezed passed your vice grip
Dream taker and heart breaker

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More thoughts I couldn't squeeze in the summary...

Ha, this poem made him realize things when I wrote it. When he does leave...I will thank him for his love though. I thank him so much for trying so hard. I know I wasn't the easiest person to love...my hormonal issues were always too much for me to handle, and for the longest time, wasn't handling it right. I can't say that I completely hate him...I don't. In fact, I was able to forgive them both entirely. There will probably always be a baseline love there...we were together, and lived together, for that long. This also brought my mother closer to me...and so, I'm going to do my best to spend as much time as I can with her in her remaining life...and I guess, I won't get rid of the dog...she isn't the worst company in the world, and besides, she needs me, and it's what my Bandit would have wanted. With my own income (from hopefully disability and eventually her SSI), I should be able to afford a professional trainer and really get her life together as well. But this is maturity...this is adulthood...and this is love. Love truly is...the most beautiful, and most painful thing on this planet...but it truly makes me so happy, and the one reason I live. I love love, and even, it's harsh lessons learned. It is the most powerful force and magic in this world. I'd always rather to have loved and lost it...than to have never loved at all. 

So just...expect me to take even longer on that one porn idea or even that HP fanfic...my heart is in shambles, and I need to focus on my mother, health, and life. 

You know...he was probably the entire reason for my obsession with Sun and Moon. I placed in those stories...everything I was lacking. Everything I needed and wanted most out of someone...out of him...but I could never turn him into Sun and Moon...no matter what. And shouldn't have ever tried; he deserves to love and be happy in his own ways and have it reciprocated in the ways he needs; just as I deserve that. So honestly...all the bullying really helped me, in the end. And also, other people could see that my relationship was a toxic one and all we would do is hurt each other...I thank you all so much...you've all helped me change my life and knocked me out of an unhealthy obsession and escape. You helped me focus more on the things that really were wrong in my real life...and I really thank you all for that, that did bully me relentlessly. Thank you for helping me get my focus back. This life truly is a mysterious and wonderous thing. Still not lifting that curse though...sorry not sorry. Meh...maybe one day, I will. 

Chapter 8: Stricken By The Moon

Summary:

Sure, maybe I'm just trying to rationalize away my failures. But I can't help but fail here...I'm not like the rest of you, and my brain is pumping out too many hormones...and I can't really stop their push, with any of my emotions. I don't ever mean to lash out or be too emotional, or too horny and want to screw everyone...I just, really can't stop it, and knew there was a reason I couldn't stop it. To hell with shame anyway, I really don't like that emotion, or having to lie about the things I love most and really want for myself...or even, not do the things I want to draw that bring me the most joy...

In love with the rush 
My lust tied to love
I just need your touch 
Could not soar above

I can’t fight nature 
She’s just too strong 
But now I’m more mature
And know she’s never wrong 

I’ve been sick too long
Stricken by the moon
I could not prolong 
Needs to mingle and swoon 

I hate all this shame 
Surrounding female’s lust
She’s damned all the while
While men can go bust 

I will however not be a bother
Try to delve even deeper
Keep it steady, not burning hotter 
Not wanting it to be cheaper 

I shouldn’t be ashamed to thirst
Can’t help myself either way 
Not without drugs first 
To keep that T at bay 

It felt like putting on a costume 
Trying to reel it all in
To hold it in spells my doom 
Why be afraid of sin? 

Even on the medicines 
It may not even change 
I don’t care for disciplines 
And purity is strange 

I don’t care for judgment's scowl
Be it man or God 
I am a beast, on the prowl 
Don’t care who finds it odd 

It’s not the worst thing in the world 
Being addicted to flesh 
It reveals secrets untold 
And leaves you feeling refreshed

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I've decided, to stop fighting it as hardcore as I was...I just, can't. I physically and literally can't. It makes my body feel horrible to, and my mind feel even lonelier, and worse. Thanks to this damn syndrome, I don't even know what combination of drugs are going to lower it enough for me to hopefully not be so obsessed with it and stress people out...but I am trying to at least, still recognize the person underneath anymore and try not to be a bother. I don't want anyone to feel like they have to do something, ever again...I want them to do it, of their own free will. If I gotta fight for your attention to my needs and love...then I don't want it...but I MUST be able to have others I can go to freely, if you can't...I kinda hate masturbating as much as I already do it...it's so lonely and I just love and need that human element. Nothing beats that human element, but I do want it to be genuine... I really shouldn't have ever had to try to fight it, especially without even being on help yet...hopefully I have something tomorrow for it I could try for a while. Ha you could say...to try to make me stop being a filthy slut, is ableist...I can't stop myself, I am disabled, and can't help but to succumb to the unwanted, constant arousal. It's especially worse when my period's about to drop, like it did. Sigh...I'm just, an animal. A filthy animal, driven by nature's hold on me. But I know, there are more filthy animals out there too...I can only hope that my true love can see, I never really meant anything bad by it...I just need it, too badly, and want to show my love and appreciation in kind of the only way I really can...and want to love a few that love me back. An open relationship...is still a relationship...it's still valid...and much better than nothing at all...at least, I would think. But if we truly are to be back together sometime, then it must be that way...I can't have any kind of chains holding me down. 

Besides...vaginas self clean...isn't that at least, a little better than someone who sticks their dick in everything? Should be considered cleaner, anyway.

Anyway, I'm just already tired of fighting the damn shame and feeling bad for myself...I like to feel nasty and desirable, not bad for my damn self...

Yes be weary of Lust and don't let it control you completely...those without my issues that can have self control. 

Chapter 9: Somewhat back on my BS

Summary:

Iight so...yeah I know all the things I said. You can call me a hypocrite all you like. But maybe I'm not doing this for anyone else...it just makes me happy, everything I did, and playing around with these guys. I'm proud of all the things I did, even if practically no one else is. And well...I like making naughty things of them and my OCs *shrugs* I just do. Just want to stay in my own little bubble since that is where I am happiest. May even do more audio things, maybe even safe ones...dying to play with their voices again. I just love him, a lot. Not going to fall back into my old ways nor obsession again...I know much better now. But I just love him and love the worlds and porn I thought of, and my world is so dark and fucking bleak right now, I really need to draw what made me happiest...it's these guys. I love ponies too don't get me wrong, but I been drawing so many ponies and I really miss them so. Kiiiinda somewhat back on that bs xD just don't bully me, done with that nonsense. May draw the others sometime in this new creepy style, which maybe I'll just call "creepfest". I just love the animatronics, especially him, okay? Creepy>Cute idgaf. Oh the knots are permanent :3

REJECT ROBOT - RETURN TO MONKEH

Chapter 10: Socially Distasteful Porn Lol

Summary:

Whew boy are these embarrassing. The cope was HARDCORE. And now that I've finally come out of the closet, the real problem isn't the opinions of every day little dumbasses, the real problem is those in power who see trans people as less than and passing all sorts of shitty laws. And trans people have always existed and aren't going anywhere. These porns are just stupid, and I made them when I wasn't in a good place mentally. And you won't have to worry about me drawing black people again, I'm totally turned off thanks to my ex and it would take an extraordinary one now for me to be with. Still, I'll show them anyway. It would be nice if Ao3 could stop breaking these and making me have to repost the art. For some reason every now and then they break and I gotta go in and replace them, and expose myself to all of my cringe again.

"Transphobic Bigot" 




Gosh, please forgive me for these. I was just stupid and in denial. And yeah maybe some shit opinions about trans people existing really don't belong anywhere. They are just people, and all so different from each other. 

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"4 CCs of BBCs"



Yeah my bad, don't worry, I aint going to be drawing any kind of black people anymore, I'm over it. I did do this one to kind of like, honor them, but this honestly got me SO much hate, and I can't stand my ex and who he's become, so if anything, probably never drawing them again, probably never picking another black man to be with again either. They have to be super extraordinary and not typical if they want to catch my eye. Not be insecure, not be possessive, not be dominating. Can't have that "it's my way or the highway" type mentality. 

Chapter 11: Stronk Gator Man

Summary:

Yeah so here's Monty. Just had to design him next cuz I'm just feelin the scaly thing rn. I'm also workin on some other neat things pretty slowly but just needed a little robot break from that stuff :3 Miss these guys, love em. Monty's my 2nd fave so naturally his redesign would come next. So his toes and fingers just usually point a bit outward naturally to show off the webbing but he can make them closer together. Gunna make them all look even more like their animal counterparts and just weirder in general, really digging it, hot stuff! Sadly I don't really have much to say about Monty or reveal; Monty is just...Monty Lol

Chapter 12: Give the ferryman my coin

Summary:

I'm so tired of fighting. For survival, for love, for acceptance, to be heard and seen...all my cries for help always get me nowhere and nothing. Everything is always a fight...when it never really had to be. I feel I'll never truly understand the others, other humans...I just wasn't raised right, and can't relate, to just about anyone. I feel I have no future, honestly. And probably never had one. I doubt therapy will help at all...I hate them too much. All human life. My hatred runs so, so, sooooo very deep. I don't think there is any fixing this. I'm too far gone. Like when you see a mangey, struggling, very mentally ill, cannibalistic animal...what do you do to them? You put them down.

Continued from summary: All my life's work would always fail, anyway. Can't get an income...and be myself, at the same time. My body's chemicals are poison to my life and all other organs. Your little Scorpio has always been ready for you, Hades...just tell me when. Please, give me a sign, or drive my hands to be strong enough to join my rightful place among the dead. Humanity disgusts me...and when I die...just know, I hope humanity fails, and are eradicated off of this planet...I hope the flora and fauna will take Gaia back, and somehow heal from everything we've ever done. I've always ever failed at the "blending in with society" thing...and I might really have to live in nature more, if she doesn't just kill me either. Nature is beautiful but...cruel, and merciless, too. I should know; my brain was born fucked up already, lying in wait for that first puberty. In some ways, I probably shouldn't have taken those shrooms. They shown me what my life could have been like...what happinesses I could have had. It doesn't show you the actual outcome...or even a path to get there. You still have no idea what to do to get to that happiness, and reality will always come crashing down around you again, and make you realize just the shitty cesspool you have to live in that is your life. 

---

 

You throw your stones
At what you think is a glass house
But its brick and mortar
A wolf's heart, not a mouse

While other houses grew love
Mine grew hate and torture
Drug den, fighting ring
My head in a bag and pour

I'm drowning all the time
In a sea of glances and frowns
I only ever wanted laughs
Singing to be heard from towns

Hark the noise of love, not hate
Squishes and squelches, sweet nothings
No screaming, tears, or threats
No shoes and fists incoming

If you really took a peak inside
There's not really much to hate
Just a human, nothing more
Wants freedom, fun, and dates

I'm invisible anyway, always was
Art and writings hold no value
To vapid, gnashing, selfish monsters
What is worthy to pursue?

Violence scars my entire life
Ever since my first breath
I tried so hard, I really did
But it all might end in death

Hades, my God, calls my name
Give the ferryman my coin
It's heart wrenching to die alone
Without any others to join

Chapter 13: I been thinking...

Summary:

Of course it takes being at my lowest to really piece some things together.

Okay here me out...I feel really fucking dumb, because looking back on a lot of stuff...maybe I actually do have dysphoria??? There is a reason why I try not to look at myself in the mirror, especially try to avoid lookin at my boobs. I especially try never to look down. I feel disgust being born female, and I always was envious of guys and their looks and all around life. Disgust at pregnancy. But like. Being a hormonal mess already, and now on fucking BC and absolutely HATING what it's all doing...like...should I be fucking trans for real??? Am I one for real??? I really didn't want to be. I really didn't. I'm already a pretty manly girl, and always was :/ There really is only a few girly things I even enjoy in life. Maybe there's a reason why I always had guy friends and did guy activities too. Maybe I was just trying to shove off what might actually be the truth? I know PCOS contributed, sure did, but like...I guess I always did feel disgust and pain when I look in the mirror and see a mostly female body...for some reason, I thought that wasn't dysphoria. I thought that was normal, even in adulthood. Would taking more T for me and transitioning, actually be easier for my life and body than these fucking hormones??? I'd almost rather be angry and horny all the time than feeling...this. Sadder, darker, even less energy...Oh man, I'm seriously questioning so much now...I really did feel happy when I was looking way more boyish before...oh fuck me running...

Am I actually more than just a transvestite? :/ Is this one of the reasons for my deep misery? Have I had dysphoria all along??? It's odd because I don't care about my genitals, at all, but everything else....everything else...oh I think I've always hated it deeply, being born and seen as a woman. Y-yikes...

Chapter 14: Transformation :)

Summary:

Yeaaah I know it aint Fnaf, tricked ya, sorry! Just was a kinda quick little thing I wanted to make celebrating coming out and shedding my old skin like a snake. Time for the new, time for rebirth. This is my newer MLP OC for myself, a "ponysona" named Chelicerae (changelings tend to have bug-like names). Chelicerae are the mouth parts of an insect, in case you didn't know (See Clint's Reptile's on youtube, he loves using the word Lol) Now, King Chelicerae instead of Queen :) (She's a faechangeling queen, a subspecies of changeling I made, and just as easy as willing it to present as a stallion, hence the magic fire.)

Yeah I love MLP (G4 specifically...I'm sorry, I really don't like G5)

Now, it WAS going to be a fnaf thing but....meh, I wanted to draw Cheli transitioned and even happier and more comfortable. Happiness looks great on you Cheli, just like it will with me.

---

Original Iterations: 

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Genitals: (Now with uterus and ovaries removed, everything else still in tact - pretty much fires "blanks" (just liquid now, no eggs). Clit is also now a bit bigger. 

Chapter 15: D y s p h o r i a

Summary:

[Trauma/vent art] Unlike a lot of people...my art was born was from a place of deep pain and distracting. Even as a child it was. Tbh I don't really like what art and the art community has become...mostly because of the youth. It's certainly not how it was years ago and the judgements and Twitter hate campaigns even are on every art site now. Politics and delicate sensibilities kinda wrecked it for me...I'd much rather live a quiet, happy transman life than like...idk, even keep doing art and things really. It's just not the same and everything is problematic to everyone anymore. I'd almost rather let them have at it, Imma go be a man :3 A kinda fruity man but still a man lol

Yeah idk...just some kinda emo trauma vent art or something. Just something quick I was seeing that describes most of what I feel constantly. Not able to look in the mirror without disgust and the deepest hate and pain. Believing to be so hideous in this body that I wish all mirrors would break around me, I don't want to see my reflection, nor look down. The tiny voice in my head, that is a masculine one, just saying, "Well, I'm not..." just in the subconscious. If we can't get out emotions and/or desires through our art...then what is the fucking point of it? 

It's too hard for me to do my other art right now in any sort of timely pace. I find I just...don't really care as much. I have a lot to do in real life now to achieve this goal and to be honest...I never really cared about anything else, deep down...even art to me and all those stories were just yet another band-aid over the sword's gash...but I'd rather finally use staples and stitches and do what I need to do. I'll probably suffer any amount of pain for this...can't be worse than a lifetime of untreated PCOS, and eventually, those pesky life-altering periods should even shut down too. (Thank goodness!) Sigh, I wish it didn't take me so long to really recognize that my problem was this. I wish I didn't run from the truth so hard and for so long...it ruined everything in my life...

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Chapter 16: Moonsugar

Summary:

I dunno why I forgot this. I guess my emotions were getting the better of me at the time. Slightly older style but hahaha I dig it. Skyrim AU, he's an illusion (Loves invisibility [that covers you too] and frenzy) and ice mage for the most part. Oh yeah and they eat filled soul gems...so he'll eat your fucking soul :D

Daylight Sunny mode he's a fire mage and restoration magic. (loves healing you when at low health, prefers sunlight spells to kill draugrs)

Both modes level scales with player, at highest levels can do the ultimate magic move for their element, however won't hit you. Both have an ass ton of magic to spend.

Chapter 17: Scrapped Drawing

Summary:

Glamrock Barney Crew. Yeaaah I bit off way more than I could chew with this, and tried a new brush that I just can't really make work with ease. Also...I'll admit, I'm GARBAGE at line art on the computer...I should have like, done scanned in lines and shit but, I also don't care for much safe things now...want to get back to the porn soon :3 If it isn't like sketchy lines I just can't do them on the computer. *Shrugs* Got tired of doing this, sorry!

Miss you Barney crew :) Awww it was all just so wholesome, wasn't it? Ruined the son's life apparently...so Barney wasn't a good thing for one child on the planet :( sadly.

Chapter 18: Metal Heart

Summary:

Welp, last night he proved that this love is dead, and there is simply no point to trying anymore. The best news is, the more they keep fucking off and the longer I am homeless and uncomfortable, then I will be yeeting myself to a shelter and start my life all over again, without the both of them in it. The both of them simply won't acknowledge all the pain they've caused me to get here. They never see your tears until they fall. They never hear your cries until they are audible...tired of living with the hollow and unfeeling. He even told me to "take responsibility" for the fact we're homeless now, whenever it's his and her bs that caused me to have yet ANOTHER emotional freak out to start with. This whole situation is due to the lack of love, respect, and fucking decency being with them...so I don't wanna hear it out of the able bodied and minded, that this is MY fault, when I literally can't control my emotions, when I literally have a hormonal syndrome. He wouldn't have lasted a single fucking day in my shoes...and I will never do straight, black, able gamer guy ever again. Gotta watch him waste his body constantly. So let it get fat, smoke yourself into an early grave, and I will have no parts of this anymore.

Blame shift, gaslight
That's all you can do right
But I can't fight
For a loser with no might

Waste all of your potential
Non-chalant, so detrimental
My flower - an aching, withered petal
Your heart - as cold and hard as metal

I learned my lesson, one very hard
Don't waste your time on a shard
Get a whole ass person, not one of lard
Not one that makes you feel like a retard

Don't waste your precious heart
Guard it furiously, from the start
Then maybe you won't have to depart
And take a pause on all of your art

Maybe you won't be as dumb as me
Giving endless chances for eternity
Constantly drowning in an empty sea
Mercy from God, I beg and I plea

---

And perhaps our love was shattered a long time ago. I'd always know disappointment, emotional longing, and loneliness, being with him...so no real loss. Perhaps it is for the best, that no matter how bad I need affection now...I will just go get it from someone else, when I can. 😔 What a horrible relationship for 12 years, and I regret all of it. I wish it never happened, and I could have already transitioned and been my real self all along.

I would like to thank those who have donated, if you have from here. I really appreciate it, and hopefully we can secure a new place before my period drops and completely wrecks my body and mind. Thank you so much, it really helps, and even restores just a little of my faith in humans. 

Chapter 19: All the Old Stuff/Art Websites

Summary:

Art websites to view all my old stuff. Can't be bothered to replace so many broken images, this website breaks images sometimes. I'll post more old ones to these sites when I get the hankering to do that.

DA: https://www.deviantart.com/xoutoftheshadows13x
Furaffinity: https://www.furaffinity.net/user/xoutoftheshadows13x
Inkbunny: https://inkbunny.net/xOutoftheShadows13x

Chapter 20: Succulent Seconds

Summary:

Yaaaaaaaaaay, I managed to finish this!!! What if you always hated the term "sloppy seconds" because more than anything...you wanna add more cum to it, or scoop it out with your fuckin tongue :P Hehehehehe. Well there is some very thin slivver of hope for me after all, I'll be trying harder to get this disability so at least that could be one form of much needed income...and if they wanna be stupid, I'll get a disability lawyer on their ass. But yaaaaaasssss BITCH I almost feel like I can be in the groove again. This shit right here gets me so fucking riled up and horned up I can't STAND it >.< :P

Just so yall know incase you didn't, at the end of each of my fnaf fanfics there is more porn and art. It all should still be there, and sometimes I check to make sure none of them are broken. The old ones I post here are ones that are not at the end of those. I probably only have a few more old ones to show off that aren't already in the other stories.

The yn looks weird because it's either a hairy girl or a transman, you decide. That's why I covered the clit.

Chapter 21: Random Poem

Summary:

Yeah just getting out feelings since I don't go loved or celebrated at all anymore, even when crying apparently. Also I saw some of the beginning of Ruin and I'll give more thoughts soon in the next thing and try to find more old art while I'm trying to get me a damn job. And should be getting my hair cut off tomorrow, yaaaaay. I also finished Horizon: Forbidden West and there's totally going to be another game and idk how I'm going to really stop gaming if this series won't end?!? (Seriously great story and series highly recommend) I also was working on horizon robots and SB robot mash ups too but that could take me a while.

Well I'm going to be fucking who I want when I want and in my room then, I need relief and real cock every now and then. He said it himself, we ain't together anymore sooo not like he can really boss me around there. Bout tired of being made to be lonely when I could be with my friend or hopefully soon at the gay bar or something.

I'm also probably going to delete many irrelevant chapters on here to free up space.

All my pain 
Goes in vain 
No more love stains
Only insane 

Apathy rules all 
Never stood tall 
An angel that falls 
Lost in the squall 

No more love 
Bloody shot dove 
No one above 
Not taken care of 

Left all alone 
They walk like drones
No sins to atone
Just sun-bleached bones 

Ribcage wide open
Seal has been broken
No words spoken 
Just pain re-awoken

Wasted all time
Lame ass rhymes 
Did no crimes
Love should have been mine

Chapter 22: I Save the Scrunkly!

Summary:

Just a sketch because I wanted to practice with Medibang a bit, and wanted to draw this Eclipse at least once. It hurts my feelings a lot seeing them all busted up and the Pizzaplex a damn dump...but it's what they wanted to go for. And the whole "new" villain at the end, I like the concept of but I wish you didn't have to read the books to really know what's going on here...my love for reading has practically vanished. Also a friend was like this is pretty much a metaphor for your life and that you're trying to get out of the dumpster fire that it is, and being the only one to guide our way to our real home. My life is trashed, and his life is trashed...Oh scrunkles, I'd take you out of there and love you forever, and I'd build you a new daycare okay babe? :C

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Yeah, our lives are trashed...like my friend said. But maybe not all hope is lost for it, I'm hoping. This country is just too hard and vastly unfair to live in and try to make your way in, especially on your own. And maybe eventually, I can go back to school too (A REAL ONE), hopefully sooner rather than later...I already wasted enough time and got scammed into an art school before...never go to the Art Institutes, they will rob you blind and more than likely get shut down for money laundering like the one I went to did. No, I should have always aimed for science and especially like, environmental science and the careers from that I been looking into make way more decent money and value someone on their brain power, which is what I need...I was fantastic in all science classes besides chemistry and got to graduate high school early because of it. So perhaps trying to get grants and going back to school it is, otherwise I'll just have shitty jobs I hate my whole life. I know I'm way late to like, getting my life together...and I know my parents could have done much better as well, but here we are, a singular, lonely person having to drag themselves out of the mud the extremely hard way. And though I've lost everything dear to me, only doors can really open now. When you've hit rock bottom all you can go is upwards, right? So if I don't return to this website often to complain and post stuff anymore, just know I'm busy trying to get my life together and get access to transition too. Yeah being wildly obsessed with this cute lil guy and doing all I could to distract from the turmoil I was in was something else but...I really did need to fix my whole damn life and really get that going, because those around me are too busy or just don't care enough to help me fix mine...so I gotta do it all myself, there simply won't be a lot of time to dedicate to creative things anymore. 

I tried to stay off weed but I just can't do it...my life has been destroyed and in total heartbreak and for the most part, extreme failure. Failure on so many levels, and I've never dealt with that too well. I've cried more this summer than probably ever in my life time, and I really want to stop crying at any cost. Stop feeling suicidal at any cost...so if a job can't understand that I really need this stuff to function even minimally right now, then I don't care, I won't work for you. I can't do your job if I'm not calmed down and sedated enough, promise, you won't like the pretty crazy person I am when totally going sober and I just can't deal with that right now...and helps me feel more creative too...I have been going weeks at a time without it and it seems like I just become the most depressed and aggravated, aggressive person ever. I get so suicidal, the dysphoria stabs me at every turn, everything feels hopeless and all around us things are so expensive all the time. And my blood sugar problems have somewhat gotten worse, idk how I'll not pass out at a job...but oh well, gotta do something. 

Sooo idk, I like Ruin but honestly...I was thinking about playing it and doing videos but idk, it all looks waaaay too easy Lol Even the base game was pretty easy. It's so hard to get your life back on the track it should have always been on, but my entire life I've been lead astray and I didn't take the reigns when I should have. So long ago. So whatever you do, really really get to know what kind of job would make you happiest to be at the rest of your life and hopefully it does some kind of good for the planet, animals, or humanity. And if I get to be some kind of environmental scientist one day that would be fantastic, and hope to the effing universe I get to do it as a man. So my life is about to get pretty busy I would imagine, and so you'll be hearing from me a lot less. I'll still try to execute what art I can and even do commissions too. And I somewhat actually have an itch to write again, as soon as I smoked lmao So idk, I could actually think of some new things sometime and I'd put them in the Side Quests thing. 

Chapter 23: Prickly Pear (WoF OC) +Some talk

Yaaaay, new WoF OC, I was tired of my old one and I wanted them back to 6 limbed. He is a transmale dragon, don't ask how, maybe potions or something (I guess the guys can be bigger and more muscular in my universes just to really tell the difference and my own validation idgaf). He's a 3 way hybrid, parents are a Sand and Skywing hybrid and a pure Rainwing. Has the fangs but no acid, and only the inner wing and headdress membranes, and the stripes can change color. Doesn't have good control over it though, so can't make those camouflaged, they only change color due to mood, and the spots remain white; these are the base colors though when not really feeling anything. My skywings I'm going to make a feathered dragon, completely feathered, and since this is a hybrid isn't completely covered in those feathers. (So Peril would look REALLY cool, resembling a Phoenix especially when lit up in flame, might draw that someday). The only abilities Prickly Pear has are the powerful skywing fire, the sandwing venom, the climbing ability of the rainwings, and mood color changes in certain areas. The eyes are mixed between the black of the sandwings and the iris of the skywings/rainwings. The fangs are just to intimidate and are useless. Personality wise, he kind of appears as a tough guy and sometimes mean and rude, often times just too brutally honest and not many can take that...but deep down inside, is very sensitive and emotional. He got in a lot of fights as a young one, but hasn't fought in a long time so those scars are healed...though, not the internal ones. Mental scars seem to last forever. I should know. 

Anyway I was inspired by desert sunsets and the cactus fruit. I decided to make my new self insert a hybrid between these 3 cuz honestly...kinda over the nightwings and icewings. Warm colors are definitely different for me to be sporting, but I love the sunset probably the most, more than night. These 3 have been proven to be my favorite so far (I'm reading the graphic novels, not the books, so I haven't gotten to those other 3 newer species yet, but even then I'm sure sands, skies, and rains will remain my top favorite). So partially fluffy, kind of a loner jerk trans dragon it is...which because of his name, really makes sense. Prickly on the outside, soft and sweet on the inside; it's just getting to the inside that is the hard part. 

Chapter 24: YCH Result: MontyxDuke

Summary:

Now even though I talked more shit about this fandom and it's treatment of me...I still have that YCH thing going and will until late October. Step right up, don't be shy ;)
To find me would be xOutoftheShadows13x on DA, inkbunny, furaffinity. Now don't you think about harassing me, I won't be entertaining it one bit, I'm here to make money, art and porn.

Speakin of porn, I actually did get a few more ideas but they aren't what you're thinking AT ALL and should be pretty funny or sexy. I honestly like my porn to be funny usually; and I've given the scrunkly enough love over so long...how about we give love to those who are hated or just, not in this franchise what so ever hmm? :) I think that would be fun and sometimes hilarious. Just need new and challenging things, but definitely don't mind doing these and found this rather fun and a easy way to make some much needed mu-lah.

This goes to someone named MeyrinFennec on Furaffinity.

Chapter 25: For the Lols

Summary:

Balloon Boy learns a new party trick :P Hahahahaha I just did this in an attempt to cheer myself up...and because just about everyone hates him. I know the feeling bro. Everyone fuckin' hates me too. So wanted to give some love to those that go unloved, cuz I really know the feeling. Betcha didn't think I'd ever lewd this mf didya? Lol

Scrunkly gets enough love, and I've given him enough love. Depending on how I'm feeling, maybe I will post more old ones idk. Not like I have anything else going for my life.

Furaffinity's rules got stricter on "child-like" characters my friend said and I don't want to risk being banned over a joke piece so it's not on there. You'd think an animatronic wouldn't count, this mf way older than I am and a robot lmao Ahh who cares it's fuckin fiction ya know?

Not like I see/get dick anymore. Lucky bastard.

Aww I think he's cute tho lol I'd pick him up out of the vent and hug him while he has a tantrum and demands I put him back down.

Chapter 26: Helluva Boss Stuff

Summary:

So here's the things I've been working on recently, even despite the chaos in my life. The OC I actually started months ago and then stopped...the show really dropped the ball with me more than a few times and I was falling off...and then they brought my ass right back with the new Fizzy and Ozzy episode. (Idk its just better to spell that nickname Ozzy than Azzy Lol) Love them so much. Also had a falling out with my shitty neighbor, so I guess they aren't so good after all, and for the dumbest reasons too like. You don't give JUST to receive...you aren't actually giving. I can't "hit you back up" when that was just my survival weed (in such little amounts too) until this medicine really helped. So it's settled, I'm tired of fucking with stingy and greedy people who never learned how to share genuinely, and weed. Really done, don't wanna be like them. You just wanna receive with extra steps. Oiy, anyway, enjoy some Helluva Boss stuff. Who knows when I'll try to post more old Sun and Moon stuff, I just don't know, been pretty busy now and my interest has waned considerably. I'm pretty much ready for other things.

Yeah I was working on this months ago and stopped cuz the show was really falling off for me, and while it still kind of is, I did like the newest one with Fizzy and Ozzy the most. It's just. It's just me xD I just absolutely fell in love with that itty bitty butler imp in the episode where Stolas almost dies, and I noticed no one else made a teeny tiny OC like them? Would rather do royalty and the like? Well, I liked the smol imp, so I made a smol trans lust imp  Fuck Toy is rather unhinged for sex...so it's honestly a good thing for him to be chained up at all times! He's an insatiable little beasty...not unlike my real self :3

He's been called Fuck Toy so long, he forgot his birth name. Lol He's also verrrry stronk, much like an ant and can lift things many times his size. Smol but mighty!

Don't you wish the crew would at least go back to doing their jobs instead of so much focus on relationships? At least mine loves his job and lives it  Don't need to be in a relationship to ROCK YOUR SOCKS OFF BABY!

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Okay, took me entirely too long and this cat barely lets me do art. I love them so much, I just had to make them screw.  OTP!!!! And made Fizz a herm, why not? And yes, the dick can stretch too, that's just the base size 

And awwww, how afraid they are to say its more than lust...precious babies.

Probably very last marker thing until I can get my most used replaced...it took years but they are finally dried out and it was hard just to complete this, so marker is now taken off of my commission sheet as well. At least this lets me really try other things more.

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Old, drew Stella's crazy ass...let's go kill StolASS! :D (Too bad she failed, he's actually my least favorite, him and Blitz.) If you want the job done right...go do it yourself. xD 

Chapter 27: New Pony Stuff

Summary:

Just the new pony stuff I made, I really wanted a better ponysona that represented myself all-around better. But this does come with some other news and I'll even post the pages of the comic I did try to make and the news with it.

Here he is, my brand new, self-insert ponysona! Made him have the talent and job that I want most. Naturally, I am pretty good at embarrassing myself and all around being a buffoon, but it's nice to have a pony be my true self completely instead of just a slut. I just made the genitals just in case I want to do some kind of porn with him in it, and gave him trans clit :) Oh the happiness, laughter, smiles, and so much attention...I'd absolutely love it and always dreamed of being a clown if I truly broke free of all the expectations on me, which I have. Now it's just getting there and paying for the classes eventually, but first I really need my hormone treatment to get started, which now I can very soon since I just got a job; one I feel is pretty fitting, I should be relatively happy doing this stepping stone to what I really want to do. :) Things are finally looking up.

Clown Town, much like my story, didn't have good parents. They were strict, unloving, and very much unfun. He was a bit of a late bloomer when finding his talent and was known as Sleepy Town until he discovered his talent (around teenage-hood), much to his parent's dismay. He ran away from them and joined the rodeo clowns containing Trouble Shoes, in which becomes his best friend. He later gets sold to a bigger circus that travels and takes him, though he can do private parties for every creature too when he has the time. He exists in my Fluffyverse of course (all my past MLP OCs do), so Princesses Chrysalis and Flufflepuff still rule Equestria, while Twilight goes around the world spreading friendship. The Fluffyverse is a more adult oriented one, so they swear, there is blood and other bodily fluids, and all usually like to make that sweet love. Very loving universe though, and an entire era of peace and love before anything else drastic happens. However, that doesn't stop some ponies from being abusive and mean, much like Clown Town's parents (I may even draw these parents eventually and model them after my own Lol). Clown Town was always very curious about dragons and is fascinated with them and loves them, wants a partner that is a dragon one of these days...but who???

Maybe in my universe, instead of Opaline fucking things up to high hell, Twilight defeats her, but in the process, has to sacrifice her life to give the world back it's magic...putting all of her magic back into Equestria. But it's a very long time before this happens and so, they enjoy hundreds of years of harmony. To me, to give her life so that magic could stay, would make her the ultimate Princess of Magic, and she'd be worshipped like a Goddess. I love Twilight Sparkle, and didn't like what G5 did to her, so I made my own way.

While I don't exactly -like- G5, I do like to take canon things and twist them in my favor. Just gets my brain turning. Even if I don't like it much, I HAVE been paying attention to things like reviews so I can know what happens. It was my most favorite show for the longest time, at least the G4 one, of course I'm going to be in the know.

Anyway this will be the representation of me in MLP pony world, from now on. My older OCs I may make him meet or be his friends, maybe make some kind of mane 6 with them (though I'd only have 4 that are my old self inserts, but they all only have pieces of my personality while this one finally has like, all the real stuff that matters to me, so it works. Even the missing tooth represents the teeth that are missing in my own mouth, though slightly different in real!) I'd just have to come up with 2 more side characters for a mane 6.

Element in my main 6 wise, he'd be the Element of Fun. Might make an alicorn version one day, the Prince of Fun (might do him in other species too just for funsies) lol Instead of Elements of Harmony, maybe Elements of Individuality?

Hmmmm Let's see, we have:

Clown Town: Fun
King Cheli: Selflessness
Phobia (draconequus OC): Fear *Clown Town and Phobia always butt heads! For obvious reasons!
Sinful Stains: Lust

Quite a rag-tag band they'd be! I need two more really, or could just make them the mane 4 instead of 6. Just depends of if I get any cool ideas for some side pones that can co-inside with someone's individuality.

Anyway I hope you welcome Clown Town into the Fluffyverse, and sorry that I can't bring myself to finish that comic. Sorry again, thought of a better character for me and I have developed a digital style I'm pretty comfortable with. I like my little half-line thing I got going on digitally.

Chapter 28: Sun and Moon go to jail!

Summary:

Just that one meme trend floating around from the Barbie movie and I love it Lol I just had to draw him again, missed him. Miss being him audio wise too but I really am out of ideas and motivation for it now, so those are it. Tough transition into a new life, so I wanted something to make me smile and remind me of some good times. He always makes me smile, especially my ultra perverted versions. Very last digital thing for a while, this cat terrorizes me too much in the stage he's in right now.

So what's he in for gang!? My friend says indecent exposure and I'm like....yeah, more than likely yes.

Hope this is a little entertaining while I slowly but surely fix my life.

Moon: I'll fuckin' do it again!

Chapter 29: Cicero Porn (Updated!)

Summary:

Ahhh I love Cicero so much. Best follower, hands down, I must have him every time. I'll probably make one more thing with him screwing my Dremora dragonborn Lol (and if I do that, I'll just post it here on this chapter so please come back to it some other time to see it!) Or more so...the dragonborn screwing him! Bwahahah! It was SUCH a crime making him unmarriable base game...

Yeah I know his belt has more stuff on it...just didn't feel like adding it idk pretend its off to the side somewhere.

Just had to draw him one more time and show off this nifty dragonborn. 

Chapter 30: Art is all I really have/Trash Chicken Goil

It seems I really don't have many options in the way of doing something relaxing. Even if my art isn't "the best", I don't really care. It's all I got. And I wish people just knew that and would leave me be. It's great if you have other things in your lives that bring you joy...but I don't have those same privileges and deal with too much neglect and abuse at home. Art is one of my only escapes. Even though I want to stop creating and it be a massive hypocrite of me to post again in such a short time, it's like, I can't stop myself from doing it. I just must create, I don't have much I actually like in life nor any support anywhere besides the fans of my art and a trans group I go to every week. I've got nothing and no one, so I might as well keep doing what makes me happy. Just let someone do what makes them happy without trying to snuff out their light, I don't know why that's so hard for so many.

Anyway here's Chica. 



Decided to do the other animatronics finally in the newest style. It's still hard for me to use my tablet so I more than likely won't. I can only really do art when this cat is asleep. I'll get around to the others eventually, already got Sun/Moon and Monty done anyway. I haven't forgotten to do the others I just didn't feel like it for the longest time.

I must say, I am liking women more and more by the day. Hope to have one in my life sometime, when I'm better able to provide and got my shit together more. Maybe later on I can draw vagina better with vag being in my face more (dear God I hope some vag goes to my face...). GIMME THE DIVINE PRECIOUS FLOWER!!!! :P

Chapter 31: Calypso the Magnificent! [New!]

Summary:

Managed to crank this out. :3 I miss her.

Ahh my bad bitch updated and brand spankin' new with elements of old. I just been missing her a lot lately - she was my perfect animatronic creation and I really can't or don't even want to think of a new one. Perfect and very evil, even got me some infamy in this community but infamy is still fame, so. I'll take it. There is a looooot more things in her hat than those things, promise, and even smoke balls somewhere in her coat to deploy. The eyes on the rabbit and doves glow and little does everyone know, she mentally controls them and can even see out of their eyes if she so chooses. She's a hiiiighly advanced robot so she has tons and tons of amazing tricks up her sleeve!

Tricked ya didn't I? Bet you expected the other robots, but to me in my universes, she's canon and among them, so I decided to go all out on her. Figured it would be too hard to do her traditionally.

Now does this mean I'm a bully and a rapist in real life? NO! Dear God people, grow up, this is fantasy land and we can run it however we want.

Jumpscare is being fucking stuffed into the hat's portal and going to the dimension where all her things are. 

Chapter 32: Best Furry Chick + Goodest Boy Bear

Summary:

Eh, I don't -personally- really like Roxy but everyone else seems to love her to Hell and back. Well this is what mine looks like anymore, anyway. I think looks pretty decent, low effort sketch since I don't like her that much. She's Calypso's least favorite in her hoard as well (mostly because she can't ever top Roxy), and Libby wouldn't be all too excited to do their sessions either. Lol Tbh, I never liked anyone that acts like Roxanne does, but tons of people seem to like her still so. I'm just a very quiet and empathic person and of course my favorite would be Sun and Moon. Gotta work on being more shameless and funny though if I ever want to be a clown, it's just hard to in the environment I'm in to ever really feel that way. Also gotta exercise and I'm finding it harder and harder to do so. Anyway sorry about the rambling; yeah it's just Roxy's vain ass. Was going to do a background but I don't exactly like her so, nah.

One more to do and it might be a lazy sketch too. I'm out of sketchbook paper. :( So now I HAVE to do digital again for a while. At least the cat is being a -little- less crazy.

---

Chapter 33: Horny Springtrap

Summary:

Mmmmm I just wanted nasty bad daddy with his dicks out ;) Yum yum yum. He's gunna shove em all down your throat before he fuckin' genks ya.

You know I used to make fun of Springtrap simps in the past but then I was like........shit, I'm into it. Lmao His murderous charm IS pretty sexy, even if he is rotting all the time. If you spare me, we could kill kids together! :D Yaaaaaaay!

I was also inspired by the Fnaf movie to make this, just really wanted a pretty nice Springy lewd.

Chapter 34: Pick Meisha Meme/Some news I guess

Pick Meisha: "Pick MeEeEe!!!" girls. Agents and victims of the patriarchy. While even those that reject the patriarchy can't help but be subjected to it, the Pick Meisha is the type that vouches for it, usually some kind of trad wife that doesn't believe in feminism and usually believes that no one needs feminism.

Ultimately, being a Pick Meisha will leave you miserable. You'll do anything and everything just for the shitty male gaze. You're glad to be a tool, a toy, to be used and put back onto the shelf or glad to hear the words "Get in the kitchen, make me a baby". You'll make excuses for him once he starts treating you badly, or god forbid, he even hits you and you forgive him. Please stop letting yourself be exploited for your free labor by men. You are not their mommy, you are not their therapist, please decenter them and recenter YOURSELF. Do it before it's much too late and you're stuck with a man who does the bare minimum to keep you happy.

Appealing to men is exhausting. Trying to make excuses for them is exhausting and irritating. Just because you know "good" men in your life, doesn't mean they are all good. Should be thankful you don't know nothing but bad men in your life like I do. And I'm only talking cisguys, transguys don't count as they've lived the life of a woman before and usually still are under patriarchy's terrible thumb.

Anyway I'm taking off comments because I didn't make a meme to spark outrage or debates (which let's face it, is mostly going to come from incels anyway), I just needed to make something kinda funny to me. And I miss my Skyrim game, I fucked it up somehow and can't get it to play. Feel free to download and use.

---

In other news...I'm trying a new drug, and it's a mood stabilizer but I'm terrified of the side effects I could have. I also stopped smoking weed and I'm not going to buy any more of it. I also have a job coach that's going to contact me and help me get a job I can actually sustain. Let's just hope they don't have a shitty probation period and my medical issues don't act up again. I guess there is a little hope for me after all, even through so much negligence and betrayal of those I needed most. I have another artwork incoming and it's a traditional one. I'm also very sorry if...I don't draw Scrimblo porn anymore or fuck with the audios. I still love him very much, but the will is simply not there anymore. Not even for most other types of porn, I've been that depressed. So hopefully this medicine actually works and I stop feeling so depressed, though I have a feeling my sex drive is going to tank on this stuff, if it doesn't send me to the hospital and kill me because I could very well die from this stuff. It's a rare side effect, this skin rash, but if it happens then I can't take this medicine. It's called Lamictal and I'm scared as FUCK of what it'll do to me. It'll either save my life, or completely destroy it. Hopefully it can't do the damage Abilify has done to me. Not even smoking weed felt the same anymore anyway after that medicine...all weed does now is make me more tired and anxious. So I'm on lamictal, buspar, and trazadone for sleeping, and hopefully these combinations of drugs can change my hella chronically depressed and anxious brain. Only time will tell. 

But not smoking weed anymore should let me be able to get a much better job than where I was at. It's just those around me have no patience and no willpower to really help me, and I'm simply not able to speed things up. 

So I'm sorry for the lack of Fnaf content and lack of art and stories in general. My life took a turn for the worst after coming out as trans and trying to assert myself and my boundaries. I often think now maybe I should have stayed in the closet until I could escape these two...it really wasn't safe for me to come out and I did anyway. All my care went right out the fucking window the moment I did. So my mother never wanted a trans son, and my ex treats his exes and lovers like dogshit, got it. Well, I know karma is coming for them both one day, and one day I will just up and leave and they'll sit there being stupid af wondering why, never taking accountability. And also the moment I got too sick for most working, I got abandoned with my diagnosis too. That's okay, karma is coming baby, and it'll get better for me while it gets shittier for them, and it would be just deserts. 

Also also, my ex EVER asks me for sex again...I'm going to say "I'd rather jump off a god damn cliff." :) I have a new dildo that successfully replaces men in my life anyway, I call him daddy :P 

Chapter 35: Grasp the Light of Hope

Summary:

Not my best work, but it's something through all this depression. Not my best background either, computer paper truly sucks for this stuff so I don't blame you if you wouldn't want your art on it. Colored pencils seem decent on it though, just tedious and takes a while. You all know what's going on in the previous chapter.

If you see little particles, it's cat litter. The litterbox is right next to the scanner and the cat wasn't letting me clear them off properly.

Chapter 36: Clown Town by hivequeen [inkbunny]

Summary:

Awww it was so sweet of them to draw my pony. I hope some day I get to actually practice clown stuff...but some financial (and mental) stability has to come first, unfortunately. People have been being so nice to me lately and it makes me feel so warm and fuzzy inside :3 Please keep it up! I need that now more than ever. And people even been praising my stories lately too...awww some of y'all are just too kind to me, totally not used to it.

Chapter 37: Spore Creation: Drakonian

Yeah I got Spore finally and been playing that. I'm in too much period pain for shading and just feel too lazy to shade it. I just wanted to show off my very first spore creation and of course it had to be a dragon (I plan on being funny in the future and making a penis and vagina creature too Lol). Their planet is called Draka (I know, not that creative but I feel creatively dead right now). Um, I really messed up during my space stage and I kind of hate the space stage, not liking this, it kind of detracts from the rest of the game and even on easy mode this shit aint easy. I already had to resort to cheats and even then I don't think I can fix what I've messed up on. At least the other stages have a bigger margin for error but if you mess up in the beginning of space stage, you going to have a really hard time trying to recover and even then I still might fail and have no idea how I'm going to get to the center and get passed the Grox at this point. For the future ones I'll probably stop at civilization, that was already hard enough. Gosh, if this is easy mode, I don't ever want to do hard mode. Creature and tribal might be my favorite stages. I get what they tried to do for space stage and all but it's no Mass Effect that's for damn sure. I just wish I didn't screw it all up in the beginning and focused on getting that sweet purple and pink spice, and probably suit up and be a warmongering asshole instead of making so many alliances. Now all they do is fight each other smmfh.

---

I feel like the lamictal isn't working right either...I've been more aggressive now than ever before, even have a plan in my head for double murder suicide and if I keep taking this stuff, I feel like I really will do it. Why can't there just be a drug that blocks out all sadness and depression and DOES NOTHING ELSE! I don't understand how I'll ever be happy in this kind of environment. I just have to change my environment really, and I can't do that any time soon. Vocational Rehab is taking much too long and I need them to speed things up, where is this job coach? I don't have the time to be messing around, I need them to hurry tf up. I wish I could just get my damn testosterone, I feel like I wouldn't even be as aggressive as this stuff makes me feel. All other drugs are just a bandaid for the real problem, and it's having the wrong hormones in my veins and being around such abysmal, depressing, shit people. 

Also I got something else to say. Don't be all friendly to me in one breath and compliment my art and stories, then ask to talk to me, and then when I do because I'm going through a lot right now, when I say "Now is not a good time to talk" I mean it. Then don't push my buttons, and then INSULT ME in the next breath! I don't tolerate this kind of shit anymore from anyone, and you will just get blocked. I don't really care if you're a fan of my stuff but then not of the real me, and going to insult me because you pushed a boundary. If I LET you talk to me, you NEED to be kind and considerate at all times, I'm going through way too much shit and honestly I'm on my period right now and it's a very agonizing one. I don't need naysayers, I need actual support.

The blood of the friend is thicker than the water of the womb! Fuck my mother, and you have no idea how much she neglects and abuses me ever since I was young. That changes people, for the worst. Either actually be a good friend to me or fuck all the way off. I'm not that nice anymore and I have many reasons. I'm not a doormat anymore either. If you're going to insult me and laugh at my struggles, I don't need you, no matter who you are and I'd like for you to leave me alone.

Chapter 38: Parental Trauma

Summary:

This is a heavy one so...heavy trigger warning: drugs, child neglect and abuse

I just want to talk about all the trauma growing up my parents gave me. My mother and father both. They were both druggies and now I can see all the times they were high out of their minds on something and wasn't there for me. People would tell me all the time "I think your mother is on something". I specifically remember the time I saw my mother do cocaine in front of me, as a little child. I lost all trust then. I already didn't trust my dad with him being an alcoholic and heroin addict. It's no wonder why I grew up so poor, and then when I was 15, she gave me weed to try to keep me complacent. I should have went to CPS as a child and I know that now. But I got threatened with "If you tell anyone, they take mommy and daddy to jail and you'll be in the foster system".

I wish I was never born. They weren't parent material at all, and now my life is nothing but abysmal. I have no job experience other than fast food and retail all because of the weed addiction. I'm thankfully not addicted anymore and haven't smoked it in weeks, and not going to, but I have little to no real job experience and my disabled ass body is making it difficult anytime I try. This job coach is taking much too long and I know I said I wouldn't be posting my traumas anymore but I just have to...you have to understand, I don't have but like 1 or 2 souls I can even go to for help to not feel so lonely. I was so neglected growing up and they would have rather done drugs than play with me or interact with me. All I got fed was art supplies and video games and now my mother is surprised that that is all I can even do. My medical issues went ignored and now I'm really fucked up from the PCOS going untreated or treated in the wrong way for me when I was on BC. I see now all the times I needed my mother, and she chose drugs and partying instead. She lived her life like a wild teenager, and I remember all the times I would get "Not now hunny". Now she's hold up in the bed acting like it's her death bed, just given up on life because she can no longer party.

PLEASE if you have children and you are addicted to drugs and partying...please give up your child. Turn yourself in, or go to rehab and get some help to not be on them anymore and STOP PARTYING. You owe that to your children, they deserve a real parent that has resilience and can get them through to adulthood properly. I feel like I'll never be a proper adult and I can't handle much now. I'm so fucking traumatized by how I was raised and I'm not sure I can ever get over it. My dad used to beat us senseless when he was drunk and I made too much noise, so now I'm so quiet and can't find my voice. My mom always just gives up on any and everything, so now I give up and have no confidence as well. Children learn by your example, not by your words. I wish I was aborted and never fucking brought here, what hope do I really have? I'm 31 now and I'm still absolutely nowhere in life. Even with that job at Food Lion it wouldn't have given me health insurance and would have just driven me to the grave even faster. I have no idea what I and my body can even handle now, but the next job since this job coach isn't anywhere to be found, even if it kills me I might just have to stay. Even if I'm constantly in and out of the hospital, now I have no choice but to stay. I'm so miserable, and so alone, and I don't know what to do or who to turn to. Disability is taking much too long as well. Not even this trans group is really helping and they are Christians so I already can't trust them completely. I already told them of all the religious trauma I had growing up and it like, doesn't go cared about. Plus, there's certain topics we can't talk about and I'm not allowed to swear...and we're supposed to be fucking adults here in the group. Yeah, my parents tried to make me a missionary from a very young age and it traumatized me to hell and back. It's not a good thing that your child can read and understand old English, that wasn't an accomplishment, it was fucking trauma and I needed the teachers to question it. He'd always be sure to hit me where people couldn't see either. If my dad wasn't beating us, my mom was putting on make up and headed out the door to go screw some men and do some drugs. I don't buy for one minute that they both haven't just been cheating on each other the whole time and living for the party. I was always fed such bland, shitty, processed foods and now she wonders why I'm so weak and the PCOS is so bad. She claims she had multiple jobs but with her drug use and going out all the time and leaving me alone in the house just says otherwise...they were both narcissistic so living a double life is easy to them. 

Point is...I'm eaten up by my past, and all the therapy and meds in the world cannot help me. I simply don't know what to do other than...to end it all. And it's so hard for me not to do it, so hard for me to stay alive on this planet. I'm so alone...

Chapter 39: You Are My Sunshine

Summary:

You know you wanna kiss the teeth :3

At least Sun and Moon would never do me so dirty. I just needed something cute with the real me in it. Now this was supposed to be watercolor paper and it was the only one I had left, but it didn't take well to my watercolor pens. Oh well, I tried, and even though there are some mistakes in it, I think it looks pretty good. At least he would give me my love back to me, and then some. I know he would. He's such a good boy.

Now, I wanna go back to drawing what makes me happy...and what makes me happy is these guys, my OCs, and porn.

Chapter 40: Seeking Dusk on the Wheel Completed YCH [Furaffinity]

Summary:

If you want one, please inquire on my art websites at xOutoftheShadows13x :) this is for greycait on furaffinity.

It's based off of a porn I watched and jacked it too :P It was pretty fuckin' hot too. They made him say "I'm a lucky boy" the whole time and he was indeed a very obedient subby boi :) I just had to get inspired from it and do a pony porn of it.

If you don't know that bat pony in the corner that is an old OC Sinful Stains, earth pony turned bat pony, which I need to make an updated version of eventually. She's just kind of an evil slut and was my very first pony OC. Lol

These things tend to do better for me than commissions do so feel free to do one with me. I need the money. But I should have this new job soon enough.

Chapter 41: Loneliness

I really can't think back to a time I wasn't deeply lonely. Even when in that relationship, I was truly all alone the entire time. Is it any wonder why I acted out years ago and allowed some people to not only take advantage of that but also make fun of my pain? I was just a trans person in denial and denied. I barely had a single soul on my side or even really liked my art and stories. Really I wish people liked the real me instead, would have saw the reasons behind some kinks instead. But all I got was made fun of really. I just needed people, and every time they really let me down. The only reason I even make art was because I find it relaxing. The only way I can even make stories is with a lot of passion and love in my heart. Now that it's all dead and gone, and no one really appreciates the real me, I've just got no one really. I'm deeply lonely and have been for a long time. I feel I'll probably never find my match either long distance or real life around me, even with this new job, I bet I won't find anyone. If I could clone myself and just fuck myself and be with myself, I would. But that's simply not possible. And if you try to be my friend, you will more than likely get sick and tired of how needy for interaction I really am. No one can really stand me for some reason, not for long, and any time I want them, they run away. I'm not some monster, you know. I'm not some grotesque thing to be shoved away at arms length at all times...I'm just a person. A very hurt and lonely person. A hypersexual and pansexual trans person, that's all. I feel I was dealt very dirty years ago by this fandom and all that went down. I was just lonely, and still am, well, even lonelier now. I just wanted friends really and got irked that no matter what, I can't seem to get popularity like many others can and so easily do get. And then when I finally get attention and think that I'm being liked for who I am, they run away. They pull away, and I never understand why. I hope I won't be this alone forever. I hope I can find a freak like me, who is fun and won't tire of me. And I wish I could use this website for how its intended, for fanfiction, but writing has been dead inside me for many moons now and I don't see it coming back to life any time soon. I wish I could stand to read other's things as well, but I just can't. It all reminds me of my past failings too much. I'm sure their stories are great, but my ego is too bruised and battered to really enjoy them. I can't even really enjoy my own stories anymore either. I sometimes wish people would see passed all the writings and art and just get to really know me before judging and running off. I wish I just, had more love, is all. It's something so devoid in my life now and every day feels like it's own personal little Hell. I used to live for love and now...I just live to live. I wish people could love the real me as much as they love my creativity, but it doesn't seem that possible. I'm really not this evil person, I was just hurting a lot when everything went down the way it did, and am still hurting now and just trying my best to live with the pain and loneliness. I'm a very misunderstood and mishandled creature, and I wonder if anyone truly will be able to handle me or not in this life, no matter what I do or where I go...it seems I can't find anyone remotely like me, at all. When you really are one of a kind...it's a very lonely experience to not have a tribe, to be a lone wolf, and you start to look at others and what they have with disdain that its something bared off from you and always was. I hope I won't be so alone forever, but in today's climate, being so sexual and open is frowned upon, and not what many want. Nor does anyone really know how to deal with my broken heart and broken spirit and nor do they really want to listen. Please universe, just send me someone who's so much like me. Just send me someone who won't run, who won't abandon me when I need them, who won't complain when I need help or need attention. Someone who is very sexual and will never lose interest in me. That's all I ever wanted really. Someone who sees this soul and wants to lift it up to newer heights instead of just kick someone who was already stamped down. Does that person even exist? 

Chapter 42: Help Wanted 2 Thoughts

Ha yeah I really like it. But it's just too bad I can't have a headset really, too expensive, nor would any of those mini games be good for my anxiety. The endings and secrets though really confuse me, just as the things for Ruin confuses me, but I'm sure there will be more answers in the books or something. Or they'll just leave us hanging for the next game like they've been doing. Idk I feel like they really should give us a little more details and start to wrap this up, otherwise it'll never make sense to just about anyone. A mystery has to be ended some kind of way, and constantly feeding us all these endings that aren't true is starting to get a little old. 

I do find it HILARIOUS that Sun is a total dick and shreds your artwork after saying how beautiful it is lmao what an ass! 🤣 I'm glad my Sunny is much nicer Jesus Christ. 

And apparently I'm still down bad for them and much more so Moon-man, I'm a little biased and always did like him like that even more. I even jacked off to thoughts of Moony the other day and used my special dildo I got to kinda replicate them. Never disappoints 🥴 He at least makes me feel just a little less lonely. We're both just some cringe clowns, clownin' around. I'm going to have to draw that intriguing "Jack-O-Moon" version sometime. I do want to draw more porn of them, I just really can't pick an idea nor really have the will to draw it as much as I want to. I know it's sort of my thing by now and people pretty much expect it and some even want it out of me but, just too much has been going on in my life and I start this new job at the end of the week. Let's just say I'll be able to pretend I'm working at the Pizzaplex, being a mall janitor now. The pay ain't really that good but we get a raise every year and it seems like a job I can actually do and keep going. 

Siiiigh Moony is just so freaking adorable and sexy, even still. I wish he was real and could whisk me away out of all this nonsense and away from my ex. Oh the things I would do to that robot lol the naughty things we'd do together and adventures we'd go on. Y'all can keep the damn glamrocks, my eyes and heart is set on robo clown daddy ♥️😁 I hope I never get tired of that grin and big pants. He just makes me so happy, and I never really know why. He's just my perfect lover I suppose. Even Sunny is too, I'm just partial to the night mode. 

Really I don't see how hard it is to love me when the instructions were laid out for my ex in my stories. Literally the instruction manual was right there and I even tried to get him to read my stuff before, he didn't even really bother. Oh well, if I can't find a love like Moon's, I'll just have to be a love like Moon's. It's just weird and awkward being single and spending that love on yourself. It kinda even feels wrong to put your own needs first, but that's just trauma bonding trying to get through. I won't let my loneliness win though and I'll stay trying to love myself and really figuring out my life before getting into the sack with anyone, as much as I deeeeeeply want to bury my face in some genitals, people just aren't that trustworthy and might try to rope me into a relationship with them or give me an STD or something. It's so weird being without drugs and without one night stands to fill that void, so awkward and kind of painful to just ride it out when you're lonely and just look at porn and jack off or something. Porn does seem to help now more than it ever did before anyway, at least the video ones of real people. Anything to feel just a little less alone and a little more randy without all the risk. Lol 

There's also a Moon hat on Etsy I wanna get but it's pretty pricey. Maybe sometime on this new job. Man it would make me so happy to get that and looks so warm. But it's late and I should stop rambling random thoughts. *My Moony voice* nighty night starlights...🌜

Chapter 43: Poem for Family, Friends, and Allies Day

Summary:

So my trans group runs this event every month at a church, and now it's my time to speak up and give my story. Instead of just telling it like the others...I'm going to make it a poem form instead. It's kind of sad that I'll be there without friends, family, or allies myself...but maybe it's just meant to be that way.

Prepare for the darkest story you'll ever hear 
Filled with pain, loneliness, and fear 
The weight of the world in a child's tear 
Bullying from just about every peer 

Supposed to be the apple of their eye 
But to my parents, an irritant, a sty 
Every "I love you", nothing but a lie 
Isolated, no matter how hard I try 

There was no space for love and hugs 
Nothing could beat their love for drugs 
My boyish wants always met with shrugs 
Divorce, separation, run-down homes with bugs 

I'd pray to God to make me a boy 
No longer a dolled-up, pretty little toy 
Not having to be demure, delicate, and coy 
But they'd never support all of my trans joy 

And then the mensus happened, faith shattered 
So much pain with the first blood splatter 
The PCOS treated like it doesn't matter 
My faith in God torn to shreds, tattered 

Forced into a puberty that wasn't right 
My teenage years, always in a fight 
Nomad, homeless, scared sleepless nights 
Romantic love I tried to cling onto tight 

I'd find the same abuse and neglect in lovers 
Completely destroyed my ability to trust others 
To so many, nothing but a bother 
Desperately needed the love of my mother 

Now I'm an adult, trying hard to forgive 
So much pain in, "Live and let live" 
Difficult giving to yourself when conditioned to give 
All of my trauma, not trying to relive 

But I'm alive and here, on a positive note 
Now as an adult, I'm allowed to emote 
So maybe there's happiness in the story I wrote 
The tide is changing for this rocking boat 

I was denied a boy, but can be a man 
No longer needing the world to understand 
Through being so let down, strong, I am 
My heart is so big, sexuality - pan 

Just hold your stance, you'll make it through 
Do what to your own heart is true 
The right people and things will come to you 
If I can do it, you can do it too! 

Chapter 44: Some Porn

Here's a commission I did for a friend, and I'm closing down regular commissions for a while...going to be very busy now. I do have an idea for a Scrunkly porn from more real-life porn I been watching. If only I could find someone that kinky. And if I get the time and am bored enough, I'll try to post more old things on my art websites that have been lost if I didn't get everything yet, I'm sure there's a few more left over. Oh and a Hogwarts Legacy porn I want to show off that I can't post on well, any website now. Deemed "underage" when no, doesn't look too underage to me. 

Lei and Fujin (Mortal Kombat and one is an OC) as dragons (I feel like I didn't do a very good job and feel like I could have done better, but she enjoys it)


Professor Sharp porn Lol (He's nice Snape and I really liked him.  Too bad HP is pretty much done for me and this was taken off of everywhere else I could put it.) 

Chapter 45: Festive Felching

Hehehehe yeah, I know I'm nasty. I just got inspired by some more porn I watched...dude let a guy fuck his wife and he cleaned up the mess :3 Arf arf arf arf really gets me going that does. Decided to put a little holiday spin on it when I was feeling more festive. Of course my festive and fun feelings got ruined by my ex shortly after and that should be the very last time I ask for a fucking damn thing. I'm going to be spiteful as hell now, on purpose. Can't keep setting myself up for such disappointment.

In my universes they dress up and paint up the animatronics in some slightly different colors and outfits for holidays, at least for a week or two leading up to them. I want to draw these adorable outfits for Sun and Moon anyway sometime eventually. But I wanted a little more porn first. Love the Scrunkles and the robits and all C: Sigh, if only I didn't waste my kind of dirty love for so long.

I might draw that Help Wanted 2 Jack-O-Moon sometime in my style, who knows. He's still quite cute like that.

Oh man, I forgot the little charms on his arms :( Oh well, I ain't going back. Just pretend they are there or some shit idk.

and I like pubic hair, so what? No need to shave for me baby, I like em hairy :D I'll run my fingers through that shit. :3

Chapter 46: All The Ragrets

Do you ever wish you could just...go back in time and keep living a lie, if you're trans yourself? Poly yourself? Do you wish you could have been truly happy that way, not having to work shitty jobs, just staying at home drawing all day in your obsessions? I really do. 😔 Yes, I was miserable, but I wasn't as miserable as I am now. I might even really have to go back to school if I ever want a decent career, all these shitty jobs just aren't it and are absolutely wrecking my body. I'd rather my mind be tired instead. And I decided I'm going to smoke weed again, this isn't exactly the kind of job for a sober person, and I highly doubt they have the funds for random testing, they can't even pay us decently. Hopefully it's been so long being off that medicine that maybe it'll go back to being the same, and I have anxiety meds now anyway. I don't have sex anymore, the least I can have is a damn high maybe. Forced happiness and numbness is kind of needed. I miss how things used to be, and now, they can never go back. I'm too busy to make most art and porn anymore, and if I really go back in school, I really will be too busy for much of anything. I don't have much of a choice really, and maybe someday with a better and higher paying career I could actually do clown stuff on the side, I just don't see that happening any time soon. This has honestly been the worst year of my life, and I hope things start actually getting better next year. I'm so tired, oh so tired and burnt out. How do people really have kids at my age when I'm just now trying to figure things out? Although the cost of trying to live my truth was much too high, and I should have stayed in my lane. I just wish I wouldn't have freaked out and done so much differently, said so much differently...and now, it's too late, the damage has been done, and it was catastrophic. I can't see my future, and I'm so afraid of ending up alone for so long. Afraid of just being used, afraid of being mistrusted again when my intentions were pure. Afraid of another blow to my heart. This life is so tiring, and it's so hard for me to keep pushing on. I truly am sorry if you don't see much more porn out of me. They also blocked pornhub in my state so there goes that for inspiration 😑 all because of tHe kIdS look if kids wanna see porn they are just going to find it regardless, shouldn't punish adults for the lack of parenting from other adults. So we can't have legal weed, we can't even have free porn now, do you want everyone to go crazy and have a rise in shootings or what? Fuck this state, maybe one day I fucking move out of it, maybe even move out of this country. This state and country be tripping y'all. 

But yeah I'm sorry if there will be a lack of content from here on. I need to focus on healing myself and this fucked up ass life. I need to get out there again and not be afraid to be myself and try to mingle with other humans. I am working on a pic of Ballora though, something different, and I feel I resonate with her now more than ever. Her theme song plays in my head often, and my dreams have been crumbling too. I dance in the dark too, so lonely and forsaken, so angry I could kill, but have to exist and pretend that everything is okay when it's not. 

I hope next year is better than this one. This has been the worst damn year of my life, and I feel like I'll never truly be the same. I have to discover my happiness and things to keep me calm and collected, and if that means smoking weed again so be it, at least I know I can quit when I really need to. I miss so much, and have a lot of regrets. Just know, I'll always love the scrunkly, even if I can't really make that content anymore as much as I'd like to. So goodbye for now, I haven't much else to say and have mountains of pain to heal and distract from. The next things you should see out of me here should just be my artwork, if and when I can do them. 

Chapter 47: Crumbling Dreams

Summary:

The deadly, the graceful, the heartbroken, the elegant and mysterious, Ballora. Can't believe I never drew her before. The new sketchbook works out very nicely. I been resonating with her a lot lately. I Just wanted something a little different for me but still fnaf, and it seems I like the ones the most that freak me out the least. If anything, I just feel sorry for her, and her eerie song makes me feel bad for her too, and reminds me of my own past dreams crumbling to dust.

Chapter 48: Something that really ruined my day.

Yeah, I got called crazy by someone I just thought would be cool from the group to hang out with. So now I don't really trust the leader's judgement of the people in this group. I can't truly open up about my life in front of those who would just think I'm so cRaZy. And he sort of demonized all mentally ill people and is trans themselves. I don't know how someone could have transition and be so miserable still, you got what you wanted and so many others crave. If you can still shut other trans people out, you just aren't a good person yourself, especially labeling someone you barely know as crazy. Mental states aren't forever on the usual, and he really needs to get off that high horse before he's knocked the fuck off of it. You aren't better than someone else for being neurotypical, you just aren't. That doesn't make you a good person. Being fake af doesn't make you a good person either. Always nice to know there are selfish, ableist assholes out there, really not giving a damn about mental health and other people. What a world we live in, eh? 

Chapter 49: Emotional Moony

Summary:

Yeah, when you break my heart, this is who you basically broke. Hope that really makes you feel good about yourself dickhead and all dickheads who oppose me, I'm just a scrunkly little scrimblo myself. These are just my most usual emotions anymore so, just bare with me. Also this is like: POV you broke the daycare attendant's heart, you massive dickhole. The copium is strong with this one. Lol I just decided to give him my main emotions anymore. I originally wasn't going to make his mouth move around so much but no matter what it can't like, open when he talks so. Also originally in my stories he can't actually smoke he has no lungs, but let's just use our imaginations here. Look I'm a cartoonist, it doesn't have to make sense. Nor do complicated, hurt feelings make much sense either for someone like me. Maybe you can make him feel better and less lonely by giving him a hand, hmmm? Lol

This was actually pretty hard to pull off but I was dying to draw him in my style, might do biblical soon a little bit.

Chapter 50: Gender and a Rant

Summary:

Well I gotta go back and delete stuff to placate his anger guys. Don't wanna be yelled at some pretty harsh things again. I'm keeping this though. And maybe duuhhh I wouldn't have had to turn to the internet if I didn't have to be forced into your anti-social life style. I actually have a need for people, something you don't have. Now quit stalking my damn youtube and probably even this website, you yelled at me before you want nothing from me, so act like it. Back up those words. That includes viewing my pages.

To be less harsh in this post, I realize now there's this insanely huge barrier between the world of men and women...and tbh, to be completely honest...I don't want to get rid of the feminine soul about me. The body I'd like to change, yes, because it's maddening not having a male body when my brain really sees myself that way, but my brain is also very emotional and sensitive, and I honestly can't do this rugged, cold world of men. I'm a twink, guys. I still love make up, I still cuddle plushy things to sleep, I cry all the time. Yeah I might be a guy but...I don't want to be this macho manly brutish thing. The world needs less of that, and more of the feminine. More of the soft. I've experienced SO much as a female, so much of their turmoil at the hands of emotionally unwell and abusive men, and so much turmoil with this body. If I'm not seen as a "real man" because I want to preserve some female things about me that just make me happy...then so be it. I know it would make other women happy too, having a metrosexual transguy around. At least I'd understand your emotions and how important they are.

So I guess I'm honestly more non-binary than I thought. I don't like...ALL gender roles, tbh. I think they should be abolished and everyone look and be exactly how they want to be. And if that means looking like a fag without a dick for me, so be it. I'm used to being made fun of no matter what I look like and do.

I'm so worn out and burned out trying to get this man to understand affection and emotions, so no more of that. I'm tired of taking care of my mother who never bothered to really take care of me, so I'm going to give her the bare minimum that she's given me. Too tired of them being lividly angry whenever I bring my emotional needs up. I'm so tired of dealing with most men, and I don't want to become anything like them. I've never been ordinary anyway, but I can see now just how much the world needs more people like me, vs more people like them. Curb your anger issues, men. Go to therapy, really, really please go to therapy. Stop being toxicly masculine, learn how much you benefit from the patriarchy and learn women's pain when it comes to dealing with you and your shit. Women are fed lies their whole life that men will save them, that men are everything, and then you turn around and treat us often like pets to collect and not a human being.

And to my ex, if you EVER raise your voice at me again...I will commit domestic violence, and I will fight you with everything I have. I have taken enough pain from you. I have taken enough insults to MY character, to my face even. Fuck your reputation and character because it isn't a good one, there's nothing there! Maaaaybe, just maybe, if you didn't want me to tell my truth about you, maybe you would treated me better and NOT given me PTSD with just words. And NOT make me have to hide in the closet because I KNEW I'd lose you. It was be a certain way, or lose my relationship, well this relationship was garbage since the beginning of it, and I kept us together for financial stability mostly but now that's ruined and I'm working a shit job I hate, all because you both can't recognize the emotional damage you've done to me. Completely oblivious in your own little worlds. Must be nice to be that emotionally unintelligent, and can't see that you've both damaged my life beyond repair.

Well, I thought I could be less harsh in this post anyway, oops! Maybe don't tread all over a good and loving heart and want things solely your way. Maybe abolish these gender norms in your head, and stop being a fucking normie, it doesn't work out for others in this day and age, only yourself. Normal is SO boring, and your "love" was so boring and draining. I know I'll find someone who will love the real me, and actually pour into the real me. It's a shame it can't be my ex, or my mother. Both too oblivious for much. But you'll both never change, you'll never get professional help for your fucked up emotions yourself, and you'll never see how much wrong you actually did to me.

Chapter 51: All Major Styles Sheet - Moon

Summary:

I did have even MORE than this, but these are the ones I enjoyed the most, and just the biblical for reference really. So I'm already truthfully tired of the newest style, shocker, so I kinda wanted to go back to the one before it. I kinda need him to be goofy and shit right now, and maybe more human and definitely more clown-like. I just wanted to draw these (and Sun is next sometime cuz I want to compare there too with him but honestly I think number 4 wins there too) to really make sure which one I like the most. I needed some kind of comparison to do. Yes that one was kinda hard to pull off but I enjoyed it the most and love how silly he looks.

What's your favorite? It probably isn't going to influence what I want to do with them all, but I'm just curious.

Chapter 52: All Major Styles Sheet - Sun

Summary:

Yeah, did the Sunny sheet. Still looking like Imma go to back to the 4th, I honestly really enjoyed those porns that I did make in that style and really do enjoy them. Just find myself gravitating toward that stuff again and even wonder what the Glamrocks would look like in that way too but I might just do them when in porn or something. I wish I had more to say, but I'm awfully tired. Idk I kinda like him with the sleeves more and even more ruffles and looking so stupid like that :3 Probably a friend's commission is coming next. And after that, hopefully more porn. I miss sex, a whole lot myself. Wish I had someone to not feel so lonely with and could actually stand to love on me and touch me. Sigh, maybe my starlight/sunbeam will show up one of these days. The journey of self love is a hard one when you've always been kind of denied that.

Not a single damn thought in that adorable Scrimblo head. Well mine...maybe sex, but other than that, nothing Lol Must be nice.

Chapter 53: Poison of the Snake

Summary:

A short poem, and I no longer care of his offense. If your lack of empathy is really a major problem, and no matter what I do can't get you to see it...then I truly must move on. I truly can't take you with me. And I can't even get relief for feeling alone and touch starved. Not without being poisoned further. There is definitely something wrong in his soul...and that's nothing my love could ever fix. So noted, never even ask for a simple back rub...the right person I wouldn't feel hatred from, nor have to ask. The right person it isn't "awkward" to touch someone. The right person actually knows forgiveness and love, and would NEVER demonize such easy needs. I KNOW what love is and what it feels like...and it doesn't feel like that. Should NEVER feel like that.

So he can have his cold, harsh world of men. I never want that, and I'll never become that. No matter if I get my hormones or not, I vow to never be so emotionally inept and oblivious. I vow that my touch will always heal, instead of harm. I don't have this poison in my soul that he has. For some reason, and for a long time now and maybe always, it was tainted. I simply can't make someone like that see the light, that is in love with the dark.

There's a poison in your soul 
And no amount of my love, forgiveness, or touch 
Could ever change that 
You simply can't change a belly crawler, a snake 
Something you can't bring to new heights because of it's love for the ground 
I can't pick you up with my talons and fly with my wings 
Without you biting me

I used to think scales were soothing 
But that is only because I didn't know the feeling of feathers 
Was never allowed to find my flock, and I thought you were it 
No more will I swoop for the cold blooded 
No more will I attempt to fly with someone who can't
If Anubis weighed your soul, I believe you would sink 
I pray that you, belly crawler, will grow wings one day 
Why be a snake, when you can be an Amphiptere? 

But I can't make you sprout wings and fly, no matter what I do. 
So be in love with the ground, and please, don't even try to reach for me again. 
No matter the tears that fall, I never want to keep being bit by a snake.

Chapter 54: Fenrir Greyback Commission

Summary:

A commission for a friend who's down bad for the bad werewolf man. My British friend who loves HP.

He's like mid transforming about to get ya. :) And I imagine even not transformed he'd still look a bit animal-like and feral.

Tried something a little new with the lines, and yeah, I like it.

Chapter 55: Impatient Sun

Summary:

Just some work humor since I do work at a mall, being a housekeeper. And yeah, I did miss this style the most. But let's just pretend instead of me being impatient and wanting people to leave so I can clean up after their mess and leave, let's pretend he's wanting them to gtfo so he can have sexy time and relax after having a bad day. He's got no patience for these adults, quite like I have no patience for these incredibly messy people.

I guess I don't -completely- hate this job. My coworkers are nice enough and we do work as a nice little team. Just wish it payed a bit more. It's just a dirty job. But maybe when later transitioned and looking more dudely I can have sexy pick-up lines like "Hey baby, wanna fuck the garbage man?" :3

Chapter 56: The real foundation of love is mercy

Summary:

If you don't have mercy...you don't have love, at all. To rid someone else of their heavy burden, when you really gain nothing but the satisfaction of doing so... that's real love.

Well FNAF internet fam...I have a lot of thoughts, and it's going to be hard for them to make sense really, I'm so sick with something either a cold, flu, or COVID, but I'll try to articulate them the best I can. The other night I cried really hard about my lost love, and about my possible future if I even have one. And this motherfucker has the audacity to try to cuddle me and not give me my real cure. Sure, it's a temporary cure, I'll always fucking need it again...but isn't even a temporary reprieve from despair a good thing? Why can't we just do it once a week for my damn health and stress to come down? Just until I find someone else...I don't know why we can't have this kind of compromise. He really doesn't have anything to lose by just...doing it. Even if we gotta turn the lights off and pretend I'm someone else, I don't care. I just know what will make me feel so much better, at least for a few days. But he won't give it to me. He won't give me my medicine. And so I've decided to remove my company. If my companionship is his need, and he won't give me my need...then he can no longer have that. I'll gladly isolate myself in my room to teach him a lesson, no matter how long it takes, I will play the long game. It could even turn into the forever game. Give me what I need, and I'll give you what you need, and I don't care if that makes me a bad person. If we're not going to be together anymore but still live with each other, then we need to cooperate and do the things that will give us the most mental stability. If I can't have what makes me most stable, then he can't have what makes him most stable. I was even so upset with cuddles but refusing anything better, that I even thought about plots for revenge. But I'm simply too drained, broken, and too soft for revenge anymore. My past Scorpio teenage self would be so ashamed of how I turned out, and yes, I turned into a god damn pussy, teenage me. I can't do the things you would do to people who've really hurt you, anymore. It would not bring me joy, and doesn't even bring me joy to do this ignoring game, but I must do it. Hopefully the more I avoid him while he fucks with my emotions and stress, I can finally get him out of my head and heart, since it seems that's exactly what he wants. He's too afraid to love me again, and I need someone truly loyal to me and can't resist me. They are all cowards, who would fear my ultra romantic and sexual, poly love. And cowards are unworthy of my time and presence. 

This breakup has really changed me. I used to be so much more light hearted, and didn't hate the cis men nearly as much, not hate monogamy nearly as much. Now I view those things as horrible, as the damn devil. I've learned that no matter what you do, their love is always the biggest in the beginning and then declines, and a cis woman's just starts out little and grows over time (I can't count trans people in all of this, never been around them as much) I'd rather stick to ones with growth, instead of the ones using deception just to get with somebody and will lose interest over time, unable to keep up the facade, and let so many other things come between them and their partner. I'm too tired of men. So many of them are self centered, and are really not thinking about how something makes you feel and affects your health and mental health. I'm sorry, but if I had a woman in my life that really loved me, I'd do all in my power to keep her happy with me and HEALTHY. I'd be able to set my pride aside, and be adaptable and open to change. And with monogamy, I just can't stand that just about everyone is fucking monogamous around here. Just. About. Everyone. Religion really is to blame for this. Y'all really fell for that you need to only deeply love one person and one person only, forever. That's fucking lame, and not something my big, once uncrushed heart could do. But now my heart is shaded much darker, and much emptier, and now will only accept women and they have to be polyamorous. I can't do jealousy, possessiveness, feeling trapped, and traditional fucking hand-fisted monogamy anymore, nor men. And it sucks because I'm still attracted to men, but I'm attracted to women too, and those in between. But now I know, I simply can't trust the cis men. I can't trust that you'll actually fulfill my needs and actually care about my well-being, and not try to dominate me in the relationship. I wanted to truly be equals when it came to love...and I only ever think the women will see me that way. 

Because of how I've been feeling for months and will now isolate myself away from him and try to keep myself busy avoiding him, I'm also debating on cutting again like I used to as a teen. A few people really don't want me to, but it does give me some relief for my emotions and stress, and it's not like I'm being poked in the right ways anymore. Gotta feel alive somehow, and if it makes him feel guilty and gets discovered, then good. 

I'm trying so hard to stay alive, to have a will to keep living, but it's so hard. So fucking hard. The economy and state of America doesn't seem like it will get any better, only worse. I'm trying to hang in there...I'm trying hard to fight the urge to cut too. If I can make it to February 5th, and try to really get these hormones prescribed to me, that'll be great but I gotta do so much to convince the insurance company that it's medically necessary. And it IS necessary, if you don't want me to fucking die. I will probably off myself if they don't cover it and it's too expensive for me to afford, and if they don't want to do anything about this hysterectomy. Then I'll gladly die. I will NOT be living the rest of my life with this dysphoria plaguing me at every single turn, so heartbroken, and just stuck. Absolutely not. 

I mean, if I absolutely have to...then I could go full time at this job, even if it might kill me, at least I'd be able to afford my hormones if it isn't covered. I'm so tired of American healthcare too. They are trying to kill us here. Work us to death just to get anything done. And if I go full time just for transition, I can kiss trying to be a clown goodbye. I'm honestly too depressed for that anyway and idk for how much longer, and I'm sure I don't know how to be funny anymore. But if I have to give up my dream job just to be the guy I want to see in the mirror, I guess it'll just have to be that way. But even if full time is not enough to afford that and help with bills, then my life might really end, and whatever last posts you see could last forever, never to hear from me again. I'm NOT spending the rest of my life as a god damn fucked up woman, when I'm just not one on the inside. 

I wish this government cared about PCOS. Especially severe cases, like mine. I wish they cared about trans people, and all disabilities and hidden conditions. Not only does my ex bf lack mercy, but this government does too, and it makes it so hard to live here and it's damn near impossible to go to another country if you are poor. Even if I just want to change my legal name which I will have to do, costs hundreds of dollars. 

Since masturbating is always a hit or miss with me, and there's a 50/50 chance I'll either enjoy myself or start crying from being lonely, the next Daycare Attendant porn will be a sad one. I need to project a little more, get my emotions out. Hopefully when I'm less feeling sick, I can start on that. Sigh. I just can't love myself, like that, and date myself. I need other people, I need romantic love so badly. 😔 I need sex so badly. Sooooo badly. I've never been this sexually frustrated in my life, and it hurts me so much and makes me so upset. I don't know why just...making me cum even if you no longer love me is such a big deal. I just need it for stability, I've been so mentally unstable I'm going to hurt myself or do something crazy out of desperation. Is pride really worth all of that? Especially if you say you care about someone and used to love them? Just until I find someone else I just don't see why it's such a huge problem. I feel without my medicine, and my medicine really was his dick. But I can no longer bring myself to keep begging and pleading. Mercy and being charitable is not something in his heart, and the darkness of his heart has completely broken mine. I'm so tired of getting my hopes up, and of this broken ass heart, so I must avoid him at all costs. Hopefully eventually, the absence can push him out of my mind and heart. 

Also kind of some gross information but...a manly musky BO is what I have due to the PCOS but it actually turns me on and relaxes me 🥴 In a real fucked up way, I kind of need some self aromatherapy. Not like I can huff in his smell anymore, which I was completely irresistibly turned on by and even got a high from. But smell and pheromones don't lie...so, I might end up going longer without showers on purpose. For pretty important things yes I would shower...but honestly I really like certain musky smells, most of them. And I should have known I'd be the one giving more in the relationship love wise just from smell alone. I'd be so into his, but he wasn't into mine. Hopefully someone can love my smell and find me irresistible too. I even get turned on by my own smell so I know that's weird, but it does make me feel better...and I think I should do anything that makes me feel better right now, even if no one else understands it. I used to be bullied in school in subtle ways (and more violent ways from guys), bitches slipping deodorant in my purse when I wasn't looking...I was homeless often so I actually didn't get to shower so much. I honestly always hated the smells of most colognes and perfumes, too fake. I even love the smell and feel of pubes and genitals, idk, those smells just somehow flip a switch in my brain and make me happy. I can even get turned on by my own vagina smell so I'm sure I'll be fine when it comes to pussy, as long as it's healthy. I know this is gross information, who could really be into certain people's BO right? I just think it's natural and I have a very sensitive nose. Smell and touch, those are the things I like and need most. 

Sigh, it's late, and I'm sick, so I really should try to sleep. I just needed to get some thoughts out real quick. All I ever wanted was to be happy really...I can't believe one singular person really helped destroy those things, instead of build them up. My heart will never be the same, and I can only hope I find the right people who are super attracted to me and fine with my polyamory, but that shits looking pretty bleak around these parts. Sigh... hopefully one day, and hopefully I can actually get these hormones and hysterectomy if anything. But mind and heart games with my ex and all these other men...I just can't anymore, and I'd almost rather be alone and as frustrated as I am until I can find the right woman or women (though I really, really need this compromise to happen, I just doubt it will)...I'm sure they won't be men, and I'll now forever have a deep mistrust there when it comes to them. All the men in my life failed me, and my heart simply won't forget it. Well, goodnight. 

Chapter 57: I'm sorry, I'm just weak right now.

I know it was wrong for me to even suggest a compromise. I just...miss how things used to be, so much. I only really feel love with sex and touch and stuff like that. Life feels so boring and confusing anymore, and maybe I'm not so adaptable as I thought. I was so used to something, and now everything is so different and it can probably never go back. I'm having a very hard time dealing with that, and it's bringing me stress like no other. Even if we did that...it wouldn't be the same. It wouldn't be what we had. Even if he couldn't speak in my love language that often, I remember the times he did...it just needed to be more often, and I still just need good communication and things like that. I guess I apologize for the last post...I was just weak and in desperation and so much damn despair. I don't like all these changes to our relationship, I don't like thinking he enjoys my suffering, I don't like having to stay in my room away from everyone...Sigh. But I can't bare to look at him anymore, knowing we're back to being strangers after everything we shared. I truly did love him...I wish he could have felt it, just like I wish I would have felt his. My body and mind is in a state of being confused, stressed, and withdrawal from something it was so used to. I feel like I need sex to function...and it's kind of tied to my love too, can't help it, just is, and so the less I feel loved, and I honestly don't know how to fix that. I don't know what to do...this whole self love thing, I just never believed in that, I feel I need others so badly. Being sick really doesn't help. 

I need to focus. How the fuck do I focus when my body, brain, AND heart is in like...turmoil? How does one focus on anything that isn't love and love making? Siiiiigh. Idk, idk how they do it. Ha, and maybe I should actually shower more so I don't accidentally turn myself on instead... :/ We gotta focus now dummy...love didn't work out for you...now you have to find another way. Just pretend I didn't say anything in the last post...but I feel I may still need to be away from him. I can't bare all these changes and seeing him and knowing it's over. 

Once I become the guy I'm meant to be, maybe then I can try this love thing again...and I won't try to make all these mistakes of the past, in my own behavior and in who I choose. 

Chapter 58: Break from Porn

Summary:

Just gotta do what you gotta do sometimes.

Hey just wanted to say I think for my own life's sake and mental health, I should take a break from the porn drawing actually. I kind of need to find and figure out other things in my life that bring me joy other than relationships and sex, and need to focus on these hormones and getting that surgery. I find the constant obsession with my past relationship, all relationships, centering men and the patriarchy too detrimental to my life, and really do need to focus on my goals and discover new things. Even though I take me a long break from not only porn but love, doesn't mean I am any less pan, poly, or hypersexual, but like any animal in a time of scarcity and survival, they aren't focused on procreating.

TMI but I'm also going to try masturbating less too, since often times it keeps ending in tears. I'll only do it when I feel I really want to, and if I have hormonal spikes (I'm very in-tune with my body and can feel when this happens).

And once the weather warms up, I'm going to try to do things like fishing and gardening, maybe even bug catching. I want to get out in nature more and kind of hate that I can't do much in winter and really hate the cold.

Love didn't work out for me and my life is kind of in shambles, having to start from scratch, and everything I've ever really known changed up on me. And I didn't give myself the proper time and patience to really process all of these emotions and make my next moves. And I just can't keep being distracted with all the porn and probably even most safe arts now, even though I still love doing art, I think I want to figure out some more hobbies I may like doing, be out in the world more. I definitely don't mind doing commissions but let's keep them safe for a while, just ask me about one if you want one. All the porn all the time will trigger me to be horny, and I kind of need to avoid that feeling as much as possible right now. Surely there are more enjoyable things in life than just sex, and I do need to figure them out and get much more comfortable with my own company and my own body, and figure out how to make myself happy in my own head. It's focusing time, and I've already sacrificed so much to even get to where I'm at right now, and right now it has to be all gas and no breaks. My sacrifices must mean something, and I gotta go make them mean something. I know the right ones will come along, eventually, and I really shouldn't worry about it or be focusing on that.

So yeah don't be afraid to ask for a commission, please keep it swf, it'll be around 50-70 US dollars for anything fully colored, shaded, and lined, and plus another 10 if I gotta draw the background. Traditional will cost more than digital though. Please give me time, I have a lot of medical stuff I'm pursuing and work to deal with. I don't have the time or the energy to make another sheet so I'm just going to say they are available to do. Maybe even some art trades could be fine too. And to draw just for myself, I'll try to make sure it's worthy of it or do stuff I been wanting to do for a long time and never got around, or some neat new ideas when I really feel the itch.

In this kind of economy, I gotta be making money any way I really can and while art relaxes me, I'm not going to turn down some money for it being thrown my way. If you have an easy way to make some coin for you, don't be afraid to do it.

Chapter 59: My Gifts/Talents

I saw a video recently that really helped me. Titled, "Don't allow narcissistic abuse to re-invent you" by The Royal We and wow, did that one really speak to my soul. And he's right. There is nothing wrong with my talents and gifts...I just showered the wrong person with them, who's talents and gifts are different. He said some biblical shit like "Everyone is given certain gifts in different numbers, and you can't possibly multiply them if you hide or bury them". And be careful not to give your gifts away to those who just can't receive them. While yes I want to discover more ways to make my little broken heart happy again...there is nothing wrong with how I am. My major gift and number one talent is my ability to love and lust, be affectionate and passionately romantic, even above my art. Those things are not bad things, and there are people out there with the same gifts just waiting to give them too. But the one thing I've really learned from his videos is discernment. If you are an empath, and that is your gift, you can't help but try to lift up others and have emotional connections to them (That IS your calling, but careful you don't drain yourself dry!)... not so many people can really do the same back for you. We are in a world full of narcissism and all around selfishness. For one to possess such empathy, such a gift that really does keep on giving, we are called to a higher purpose of helping others...but the problem is, not all of the broken can be emboldened to save themselves (because YOU cannot save anyone!), nor has that same gifts you do. And since you give so much, all you ever want is it reciprocated, even just a little. So now, it is all empaths duty, and even mine, to never let yourself be with a taker again. It's actually NOT a good thing to see the good in others; that is how you keep falling for abuse over and over. Sit back, be judgey, protect your gift so that you don't give it to someone who can't multiply it back...but don't bury it, don't shelve it, don't hide it. There truly is nothing wrong with the person I am, I am ultra loving, and for certain people, we'd breathe life and energy into each other. For certain others, it would light up their worlds, your gifts and talents finally reciprocated and even multiplied. That twin flame (or flames) is out there. So be careful. And be observant, and be patient, and really take in the hidden meanings behind what people say, especially men, especially when someone shows an interest in you. Don't be afraid to slow it down. Furthermore, make you see how they react to disappointment and how they are angry and see how they deal with it. Make sure you have great communication as well, and that you can really trust the person's words and actions do always match. Make sure they wouldn't see your needs as outlandish, that they make perfect sense and that they even have the same needs too. I kept telling him for years we are just incompatible, and I'd always get "We can make it work" only it just doesn't. Opposites actually don't attract...they create conflict. Why hold onto me so tight when one, you can't fulfil my needs and don't have the same ones, two, we don't have the same heart, and three, the gifts we have to give each other just don't line up. Just go watch that video it kind of changed my life.

I can still just be myself, but I really am kind of just out of porn ideas and I don't want to make that sad one after all. I need my porn to be funny and hot. And a lot of that was fueled by all my passion for love. Now that my life is pretty much completely different, I just have to shift focus a bit. If I ever do get a real good idea for one, then yeah I'll do it, but at this point in my life I can't force it. I do still love love, but mine is sadly just going to have to lie dormant, and I have to protect my heart now and only give it to the truly worthy. Discernment is now a must, and I no longer have the time or energy for things that aren't genuine connections. No more time for games for me, and I do want to discover other things that just make me tick. And hopefully have transition to look forward to. I can now add Valentine's Day to a day of trauma for me and I never wanted that to happen...that was my favorite holiday :( Was, keyword. It's hard for me to drop my love and do other things, or give it to myself. Very hard. It just has to die loudly like a stuck animal. Bleed out and die, and I believe it's almost dead. I feel I am almost in the clear, bleeding out for months. I believe I have went through all the stages of grief in varying ways, but now I have no choice but to accept it all. That love we had was a corpse I was kicking and trying to awaken for a long time, and when they don't wake up, you just gotta believe it's dead. When someone doesn't want you back in the same ways, you sadly can't force them to, and so you must leave and move on. Hopefully you do it a lot sooner than me, or don't even let it happen in the first place. I also saw this thing that if you were to die tomorrow, would you honestly be happy if you looked back on your life and it was mostly just being depressed about being single and pining for love? No, I wouldn't be happy, I wouldn't have been living. And any of us could die tomorrow. 

Anyway some more art should be coming sometime soon but I'm taking my time and recovering from an illness. I do have some ideas for things and it's too cold to do much else. Remember, don't be afraid to go on my websites and get a commission from me, am super available for that stuff right now even with the job. It's good to have a side hustle, even if it isn't the real one you want yet.

Chapter 60: The Major Problem with Hasbin and Helluva

Summary:

Just getting out some thoughts since I watched the rest of Hasbin Hotel last night. I DO like these shows, don't get me wrong, but I can see the issues with them plain as day and idk, they kinda bother me. I'm glad her shows are succeeding and all the animators work is paying off but...I just don't know if I can continue to watch with the trajectory they both seem to be going. We need something very interesting to happen, that DOESN'T focus on relationships! Not with parents, not with siblings, not with lovers, not with even friendships. Something outside the power of all of those, that maybe for once, love can't fix.

There's just a few things I find that irk me about Vizzypop and her shows. I feel like she was under great childhood trauma because of limerence. Limerence is a new word I learned, and it's something I've gotta get over myself. It is the romantic obsession with someone, or even love itself, and usually does happen because of childhood trauma. It's obsession over love, pretty much. In both shows, there's hopeless romantics abound, and plenty and plenty of parental issues or good parents, or relationships. It's like the only two things she can even write about. And yes, I used to get out all my loneliness and need for affection in writing. I used to, but honestly, the obsession with these things are definitely not healthy for your sense of self worth. It's hard, love being thrown in your face, constantly, in almost everything, when it didn't work out for you and you are left all alone trying to figure out how to stay alive without it and not think about it. I didn't have good parents, and never had good lovers, all I know is toxicity, so it's hard when all I see is characters have everything I'll probably never have. I'll never have parents that love me, or another adult be obsessed with me and my body and pleasing it. The last thing I need to see, is sexual imagery in my face and love thrown in my face when I have no access to either one anymore. What happened to me altered me, probably forever, and now I'm always forced to see just about everyone and everything have it better than me in a show I used to watch to relax. Now it isn't relaxing, and only amplifies the fact that I am now alone.

These two shows are not good for the brokenhearted. Yes they are entertaining, the animation is good...but I just wish she'd shift focus from love and relationships...because I have to. And I can't stand to see it constantly thrown in my face. When I was in love and love wasn't completely dead for me, I was more fine with the shows. But now it's like "HERE LOOK ALL THESE GUYS ARE CLOSE FRIENDS AND THEY CAN FUCK AND THEIR PARENTS LOVE THEM LOOOOOOOOK YOU'LL NEVER HAVE THAT HAHAHAHA FUCKING LOSER" and it's honestly just causing me more trauma. You have HELL here. Yes the extermination is one cool thing but you could do SO MUCH with the concept of Hell and demons, and we really just keep focusing on little relationship dramas and bs. Little love bs, parental bs. There's a lot of people out there these things were ruined for them and they really can't relate. The shows are becoming more and more unrelatable to me the more time goes on with me being single and everything being ruined, my whole life turned on it's head and everything I ever knew flipped upside down. My mother doesn't actually love me, my ex doesn't actually love me, barely have any real life friends, and so I've never known true love. I hate seeing it always in everything, everything has a romantic obsession anymore. And some people don't know the wounds that "love" brings. That misplacing your trust brings. I feel like she was never broken too badly, whatever she went through, and just like so many other women under patriarchy was taught that relationships and men are everything. It's all in her writing. At least in Hasbin, at least the girls are getting some character development and aren't just props for the guys.

I WANT to enjoy these shows, I do. But I can't relate to anyone in them, a n y o n e in them probably besides Fizzaroli and even then, he's even got a better life than I do and more social interaction than I do. He actually gets help for his disability, with robotic limbs, while I'm made to suffer in mine and no one, fucking NO ONE, take it seriously. He actually has someone who would fuck him and it never be a fight, they just click together, and that's something I've never truly known. Even then Fizz has a brother, and a lover, both things I definitely lack.

Just about everyone wants their own cartoons to go mainstream. Just about everyone. Here you got that, but these two things are always your major focus. It's like...you're scared to go any deeper or any darker, or have permanent, lasting damage to these relationships. Parents, and relationships, is unrelatable to someone who truly is alone in life, so many things are. For once how about we see a story about an only child, whose parents regret them, and were homeless many times, and love let them down quite a few times. Bonus if you make them trans. And for once, I just don't need these things shoved in my face. I do want her show to succeed and I'm fine with her getting all of this fame...but idk, what do I know, right? I'm just some mediocre artist on the internet. I just wish she'd do more than just about love. Some of us have to live with it's absence, and it being thrown in your face fucking CONSTANTLY just reminds us of our failures.

I work at a damn mall and it's almost Valentine's Day. I see enough hApPy couples around, happy, loving parents around. My very reality is a constant reminder that for some reason, no one wants to love me. I don't need to be reminded of that in entertainment, and a mainstream cartoon shouldn't hurt the deep wounds in people even if unintentionally. If your show hurts me, I can't continue to keep watching it, I've got enough depression for a whole group of people. I probably won't be watching anymore of either one until someone tells me something major and incredible happened that didn't involve love. I have to decenter relationships and men myself just to be happier in this life being alone, and that's something Vizz hasn't figured out yet. To her and so many other women, the relationship is everything, just like it used to be with me. Be CAREFUL of that...you really should have other outlets in life and always make sure you'd be fine financially if a man decides to change his mind on you. I really don't need constant reminders of the past and all the fake, toxic love I had trying to disguise itself as real love.

Be careful of limerence...it can be a hindrance. Been there, done that.

Chapter 61: The Final Straw

Summary:

Yeah, we argued a lot through texts when I was at work and honestly so much about him and her disgusts me now. I see now the worsening of my health and body is truly because of them, never listening, always invalidating. Never able to set aside ego and image for love or the greater good. They have ONE last final chance to keep me in their lives. Fuck this up, and I leave.

Yeah so, I realize now if you're young and born female please don't be dating (especially if you don't have good role models in your life). Don't be focusing on guys and their desires, you need to focus on your own and making your dreams come true. Be in love with anything else other than relationships and romantic love because hunny shit be lookin' bleak out here. Make that money gf be secure cuz FUCK don't end up fucked like me. Now so many of them are truly predatory in nature, and know they can rope in a god damn young and dumb pick me who don't know any better, whose got no voice and no other identity other than being your mf gf. As soon as you find your voice, you're out gang! And just because someone was born with a vagina doesn't mean they ever wanted to be a caretaker in their lives. Didn't ask for that, didn't want that, you can't be forcing that role onto me and expect me to be happy. And you mean to tell me, you watched your single mother struggle and you kinda treated me the same way? Didn't truly give me any power, shut down at every turn? Came in, wrecked the place of my heart, and now just wanna leave? You wanted obedience, and that's not love. Love is never supposed to hurt, and you definitely aren't supposed to throw someone's needs in their face and use them as a weapon, and have such venom in your words. The moment I want to be my own person with my own beliefs and own happiness, it was fuck me. Well, here's the deal, the scoop. If you both don't help me with this testosterone and I can't afford it myself...then I'm out. Yup, enjoy the rest of your lives without me in it. I will struggle for a time but I'm quite used to that! It's better than constantly doing for people who won't do for me back in the ways I truly need it, so I got one last straw and you both better not break it. You can easily never hear from me again. I probably wouldn't be able to do art for a while but it is what it is. I'm done with love, since you both are incapable of that, so now purely transactional bs from me to just stay alive and I will probably be spending more time alone or out with others somehow. Always besmirching poly and even kinda trans, couldn't love me the same after me coming out so what's that really say? Maybe monogamy is wrong, okay? Maybe it's wrong to be THAT insecure, jealous, possessive, and petty. You don't see the bigger picture and truly put their happiness and enjoyment into perspective. This was a dictactorship, not a relationship, even with my mother. I'm no caretaker, I'm no nurse, I'm definitely not monogamous or a little house pet anymore. You guys chose to let me get sicker and not help me with emotional connection or real love, so this is the alternative. Help me change my body so it actually matches and I can feel all around better in life and cultivate a life I don't hate every second of every day. Don't do this, and you'll lose me forever, how about them apples? I will make that happen. Don't underestimate me, and don't become villains in a book. You don't WANT me to leave and write a mf book about all this shit. Do the right thing for once, scratch MY back, I've BEEN scratching both of yours with no true reward in the ways I can feel them. I deserve a life I don't fucking hate, it's more than time, and I've sacrificed "love" and sex for this, two things I used to believe in and love most. If you make my sacrifice go in vain...I will never, ever, forgive you both, and I will hate you both forever and gladly move on with my life and I won't be taking care of SHIT. Now, you want me to still do servant things when I've never wanted that, you gotta help me get this T in me. Help me transition, or I go take my chances on a friend's couch. That's the only way you both can redeem yourselves, even a little bit, now. 

Chapter 62: Glamrock Crew Reference

Summary:

Well apparently they might just be too incompetent to help me at all so I might go broke getting my medicine but it is what it is. And I feel I need to spend more time with friends and people who actually appreciate my presence and who I am as a person. I feel I really do need to just, release them, and worry about my damn self and doing WHATEVER makes me happiest and fulfilling my needs in the ways I can, and just being around better people. It's more than time, and I have to be with people who can transform, who my love transforms and helps them grow, if you don't change into a better and happier version of yourself with my love and attention, then there is truly no point. I'm a transformative person, always growing and changing, and I need people who can do that, and WANT to do that, too. I need to be around people who knows what love is to me and can make me feel it.

Yeah I got tired of this and feel lazy so I'm not bothering with shading or lines. And some of these lines have to be ignored because I changed it a tad bit with the color. This is just for future reference anyway in case I want to do more art or porn with them later. I love how cartoony and robotic they look while style trying to match how I made my Daycare Attendant. Freddy does still have a tail you just can't see it from here it is kinda small. I felt he needed designs on his legs too. So now the fuzzy ones are actually fuzzy and Monty's tail is made out of a rubbery material so it's bendy now (and like I said, ease and laziness) :3 So my daycare guy is roughly the size of Chica there but still kinda skinnier. Monty is touching Freddy's back for two reasons, one I didn't wanna do another hand, and two, I ship them hardcore they gay af in my book. Lol I miss these robots and the things I would make with them, but it's a little too hard for me to get my motivation back right now, I'm going through a really rough time, so who knows when I can actually get real inspiration and passion back like I used to. It'll come back sometime, I'm sure. I'll heal. I'm just a slow healer. 

It kind of deeply offends my soul to draw the busted up ones so I probably won't. How dare they let their most prized possessions fall into ruin! You gotta take good care of your toys  So I prefer them pristine, I just do. 

Chapter 63: I Release Them

I hope this is the very last thing I write in this saga. No more will is in me to try to get them to change, they simply won't. No more words are left to be said, and even the last time me and him argued, he even mocked my pain and my words. So they are both just horrible people, and I don't need to be relying on them for anything, at all. No more fights outta me, I gotta spend my energy elsewhere and if you want to do something stupid and lose me, go right ahead and do it. I'm also sick of the misunderstanding of my emotions, my free will, and me being poly and trans. You don't get it, and you never will, and I don't gotta tolerate it really. You wanted to set me free, well this is me being free, so don't get mad when I'm out with others a lot more and doing things and going places on my own, possibly even fucking people I'm about to join fuckin' FetLife soon. There is nothing wrong with polyamory or poly people, and to judge me so harshly on it, over and over again, I will never forgive that, even enough to break my heart and kind of ruin my life. So I'll fucking double down on it since you both hate it so much >:) You could have let me be happy and keep you too. The sexual burden would have been off of you, and you would have had the more platonic companion you wanted, I just needed to get my romantic needs out of the way for that. But I suppose it doesn't matter now, they've given up on me, and so I gladly give up on pleasing them in any sense. I'm going to do me now, in whatever ways that looks like. I'll figure out who I am and what I like, and actually have intimate and real romantic partners who would never throw my gift of affection and love, and big ass heart, in my face and try to twist it into a bad thing. I will gladly leave behind anyone so strictly monogamous (and for my mother, male-centered), and I don't want you to come with me anymore. I will gladly become a stranger, and leave you both the hell alone. It's better than being misunderstood, and taken for granted, quite often. It's better than constant arguing and low blows exchanged. Whoever you showed me in the beginning was definitely a lie that you couldn't keep up. Sad, you did just what every other fuckhead male does to get the girl and then stop doing those things that kept her. And since you don't believe in change, in transformation, there is truly nothing my love can do for you, and only ever will drain me dry. All this kind of goes for my mother too. You both are two black holes, and suck up any of the good things in life and make them vanish for me. My needs for genuine connection, fun times, affection, and lust, is not a bad thing. And I won't let you make me believe I am bad for my heart and soul and my enormous capacity to love. But you both haven't earned my love, but the opposite, my disdain. I now have to just, wash those feelings away, knowing you both are just who you are, and I am who I am, and we just don't align, and never will. I gotta find my flock, because it isn't you two. So I gotta just, let them go really. It's more than time for me to enjoy my adulthood, get these hormones and surgery in me, and be RELAXED for once. Feel UNDERSTOOD by people for once. Feel reciprocated for once, appreciated for once. They just don't get it, and will never really change, and the things told to me by the both of them are really unforgivable. You don't actually need forgiveness to move on, some things just can't be taken back once said or did. All I tried to do was explain that you both are hurting me. The way you both responded to that, over and over, was ridiculous and selfish, only seeing things from your own point of view. You always made it about you, instead. Well, I'm going to really start making my life about ME. I'm the main fucking character now hoes. You are going to get the very bare minimum from me and I'm going to go live my life, I mean, it's what the both of you have been doing this whole time just whatever you want without thinking of anyone else so, time for me to do the same. I have to release them for my health really, they are both super bad for me. 

So yeah, fuck them, I release them from my life and all care, I'll take care of my fucking self, and go do whatever the hell I want. Even if I have to do them alone, I don't want their poisonous vibes around me anyway. They both are truly irredeemable in my eyes, but especially him. I trusted and loved him so much, and this is how he did me. So hopefully this is the very last thing about them unless they do something drastically stupid, mean, and selfish that really sets me off but I'm going to try to just. Let them go. They are people I don't know, and don't want to know, anymore. 

I dunno when more art is coming, tbh. I kind of need commissions more than anything else, and my life is pretty busy anymore. I might do some ideas when alone and bored in my room or something. I am actually getting ideas for a new animatronic OC, something more true to the real me or something. Something not actually made for any real stories but a good representation of the real me or something like that. I love Libby and Calypso but their stories are long over and idk, how about something more like the real me? Feel like that would be a lot of fun to pull off and I already have an idea. Maybe kinda used for porn too if I ever get my spark back. Just give me time guys, the passed few months have been probably the roughest so far, but now with all my love and care officially being turned inward, things should get better eventually.

Chapter 64: Hazbin's Ending

DEAD BY THE JANITOR LOLLLLLL!!!!!! 

You don't know how much I needed to see that lmao 

Ya got me guys, you got me xD 

Chapter 65: We finally talked.

Summary:

Well my mom's been in the hospital for days and will be for weeks. So not only did me and her talk things out but I did with my ex too.

And I guess I can see now...how badly I fucked up, in so many ways. I know I wasn't the best lover or child out there. My head was in too dark of a space for anyone to be able to pull me out. I let the darkness of my mind get the better of me, so often, and there were many things I took for granted. My emotions ran too out of control for me to handle. And for him, I guess I didn't have pure love. It was a mix of love, lust, and limerence...and because of so much childhood trauma and feeling neglected, all of these mixed for me and I can't untie them. I can only hope now, that someone else will want and need that just as badly as I do. And I thanked my mom for being the one that stayed. If anything, we're both just victims of the systems set in place that are meant to keep women down and subservient. And speaking of that, I want to apologize if my heartbroken, irrational emotions may have painted a much worse picture of him than I intended. He's not a sexist, mysogenist pig, he was just trying to keep us from being homeless and I went and fucked all that up. And I realize now, he really was just tired...but still. I did feel ignored. I did feel emotionally neglected, and I'm just too hypersexual for just about anyone. Guys often tend to snicker and smirk at that and tend to think they want that but I promise, only a select few of you would be able to take me on. You will get tired, you will get burned out, and how frequent I want sex and affection may cheapen it for you and exhaust you...that's why I have to find someone that those things gives them life, instead. Gives them energy, because that's what it does to me. I also never meant to make him feel used for his dick. I did mean to and want to love more than just his cock...it was just hard for me to. I grew up so lonely that any little oz of attention is all it takes for me to instantly fall in love with anyone...and it's something about myself I really should have watched and tried to fix. I had limerence, love, and lust confused with and mixed with each other. I truly wasn't the best romantic partner I could have been, and I did truly learn a lot, if anything. And I know now that compatibility is everything. If your sex drives can't match up, and you are poly and the other is monogamous...you are both going to have a really hard time. It won't be fun. And any sort of struggle love is what no one needs...not I, or him. We deserve what brings us real peace. For the longest time I knew we weren't equally yoked, but we tried to make it work for so long. We apologized to each other for many things, and I genuinely feel better now and didn't think either of them capable of a real apology. It's just so painful to let go of so much, all at once. My life changed too much, too quickly, and both relationships between me and them, are changed forever due to my own actions and how I really want to live my life as well. But much like the corpse bride...you are not mine to have. But I'm terrified of being alone. Absolutely terrified. Been terrified for months. Been devastated for months. I know there will be another in my future but what if they leave again? What if I'm not everything they want and more? I don't know if I can really handle another opening myself up wide open, for them to exit my heart and my life again. Sigh...but if I don't risk getting my heart broken again, then I'll never have what I'm looking for. And I hope we both get what we're really after. 

Just be careful of the things childhood trauma can do to you. It can really fuck love up for you, and you'll be chasing all the wrong things when you are young and your brain and heart being healthy really matters. Focus on your careers at that age... please don't do like I did. You'll ruin more lives than just your own. Let it just come to you naturally later, when you are a real adult and not a young one. Then again, if you don't get experience, you never learn either what you really need and don't need. There's a catch 22 there. You just have to find the perfect balance, and that's something I just never been able to do before. 

As far as it comes to most things, I do not fight for them anymore. Either they happen, or they don't. Either they come to me willingly at the right time, or it just doesn't. I can't force anything, anymore. Not sex, not love, not anything. And I know I'll get the kind of lustful love I crave one day. I know I'll have my perfect mix someday in my life, just don't know by who. I still have released them, especially since I do have a job I can handle now. I'll do my best to take care of myself and take that burden off others and try to help when I can. I not only need a love that really benefits my life but I need to be that for someone too, and I can't be that in a dark and too needy headspace. So maybe things could start to get a lil better around here. It's just so hard to drop so much pain and love. It's hard letting go when something is all you've known for the longest time, and now everything has changed and is different. No one really likes change when they aren't ready for it. But that's life, and love. And what is comedy without tragedy? What is light without it's counterpart, darkness? The dark makes us appreciate the light much more when it happens, and absence does make the heart grow fonder. Until next time, and take care. 

Chapter 66: Testosterone!!!!

I can finally say today is the day of the start of the life I always wish I was just given. February 5th is now a personal holiday for me to celebrate. Though I also started my period today so I'm very tired. I thought I would honestly be more excited, like hooting and hollering but that's just not how I normally am, even when most excited, and so I cried pretty hard from relief and joy. It's all finally over. That horrible female life and body will finally start to be over with! I even learned a lot more today about what all the T will be doing to me. I'm so excited though, and a little bit terrified, of now having male puberty to go through. But don't you worry, I plan on keeping so much I learned as a female from having that life, that I'll do my best to treat them with the upmost care and importance. I know what all they go through every month, every agonizing, terrible month, and thank god I don't know and refuse to know the burden of childbirth. I love you women, but I just can't be one of you, I'm sorry. So depending on how things go I might not need a hysterectomy after all if it really stops these awful periods. But I'm awfully tired and it's late, I'll be sure to probably write about my changes when they do happen. I'm so excited, and I know new doors will open and certain ones will close, but I'm ready for this journey and definitely have earned it. Now all my sacrifices haven't gone in vain. Surviving through my darkest moments finally has meaning, and now I will start to finally feel more and more at home in my body, like everything is just right. I learned a lot today, and though going through puberty again is uncomfortable, I welcome it with open arms. I'm also going to work on quitting smoking cigarettes and then probably weed again, I know it won't be good for my sacred second puberty in the long run, and I want to feel like a teenage boy that hasn't been introduced to all of that stuff. I gotta work on that gym membership now and working out, so I'm sorry if I end up too busy to make art as much as I was doing. I gotta focus on this new body now and getting it to be something I really love being in, just as natural as I can get it. I also miiiight try to keep trying some psyche meds for the depression, even if the T will help with the deepness of them all, my range of emotions should finally start to really calm down. I know all of this will take quite some time, even years, but I've never wanted anything more...I even dare say, I wanted boy puberty even above sex. 

Thanks for sticking by through all my heartbreak and turmoil, and I'm also sorry that my ability to write stories have pretty much gone in the garbage. But perhaps once the T increases my already insanely high sex drive, maybe I'll finally be able to get back into drawing porn and porn comics. It's just hard for me to do those things without some burning passion in my heart, and now, I feel the light I once had so long ago is poking through. There was a naughty Daycare Attendant comic I had in mind a long time ago and never got around to it. Something to think about doing eventually. I really wish my deep love was back for that stuff but it seems like it's just a dull simmer on the back burner, I got too much in front of me now. But it's really time to pass the torch, and let the young have at it. I'm sure their stories can top mine fairly easily, and I want to really enjoy this boy puberty...I've worked so hard, and been through so much, just to get here. I've finally took a big step on the ladder that is a trans life, and I just want to go live my new lease on life more than just write things to distract myself with. 

I still plan on just being myself at all times, it's just now the body and life will start to match. :) Finally, sweet relief from the dysphoria. Finally. At 31. Better late than never though. I do have a new OC coming, which now, I'm going to have to make a counter kind of paint job and design for, you'll see eventually. It's been quite a journey, and everything is about to change but this time for the better. I've finally really clawed myself out of the darkness, and can finally stand again and feel the sunlight on my skin, and this time, rightfully, as a guy. 

Oh yeah, and I bought a scrunkly shirt from Hot Topic :3 New favorite shirt. I'm gunna rep the scrunklies as much as possible <3 

Chapter 67: Solace the Bat

Summary:

Here's that new OC. I'm probably going to be taking a real break from art for a while though after this. I got a lot to do and take care of for a while and I'm just creatively burned out. I feel I need to rest on creating again for a bit, I have this transition to really focus on now and fixing this body up. I WOULD like to make some Hazbin Hotel fanart but I'm just so tired of drawing for now. So last thing for now, hope you'll welcome the real me as an animatronic. Don't worry, he won't be a sad boi forever. This isn't even his final form! Lol

I'm going to have to repeat the words I wrote in the description here. I love this sketchbook but, it's actually just ever so slightly bigger than the scanner. So all about Solace (aka, a real me self insert OC, this is basically me anymore but fear not, I have a happy exoskeleton/design version in my mind I'll do sometime). I decided to do a real animal this time and I really, really, really love bats and all the night creatures. Bats are so stinkin' cute, and I love them. Among my favorite animals besides snakes, so I wanted himbs to be cuddly for all the hugging and crying. He's very kind and empathetic, but is too shy and sad to really make a first move even despite being a secret pervert. He's a very sad and lonely boi, and little does he know his sole purpose is really just to be there for the employees overnight that have any mental breakdowns or just needs a robot they can actually relate to and is open and loving, to stabilize them and get them back to work with some relief from their emotions. He's a soft sad boi for most of his robotic life and feels like a failure, but one day does get the transformation he wants and programmed to be happy instead (Ha, like I am now for the most part). He's only really active overnight when the mall is closed, otherwise he has a special charge pad on the ceiling that only he can get to but it is just like, in a storage place, he'll spend all day recharging and being shut off. I also really love blue the most but idk, pink is kinda growing on me too. And yes, he's pretty much a living sex toy too. He'll take it from anyone, he just appreciates any kind of attention like that and has a super high sex drive anyway...however, during sex he likes degradation the most (changes to praise later), and will even degrade himself and think you must be desperate to pick him, he's got pretty low self esteem for now. He'll be able to be more successful at clowning around and bringing warmth and light to the employees with the new "paint job", but still will do the janitor work when not being used for his purposes by the humans. He can do a few more advanced things than the staff bots can, and he can even go outside to empty the garbage and really smoke cigarettes, and sort of acts like a smoke inhaling filter, able to take in every bad chemical as further fuel and leave behind no second hand smoke. In the happy mode later, makes it so he no longer has to do this, making him quit cigarettes (much like I need to try to now). Despite being a janitor himself, he keeps himself as clean as can be for all the hugs from employees.

So the cut off words say:

-Depressed
-Consoles sad or breaking down employees
-Recharges upside down on ceiling
-Only active at night (but I'm going to add overnight only)
-Failed sad clown made janitor, directs janitor staff bots
-Has a potty mouth and dry, dark humor

Additional information:

-Has a heating protocol for the warm fuzzy snuggles
-The wings are just a blanket cape, to wrap you up for the snuggles. Cape has same design and colors as pants on the outside.
-He cries, a LOT. He's a big cry baby. And will probably cry if you are and give you all the hugs. (Later on will hardly ever cry, will be too happy and content)
-Has absolutely no jumpscare, never got hacked. Perhaps Vanessa loved to use him in private for some emotional and physical relief. He wouldn't dream of hurting anyone and doesn't have a mean metal bone in his body.

Main inspirations: Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh, my main emotions and self, love for the night and bats

He's there to remind you this too shall pass. That's why the rain storm for his clown pants. Now because he is also a clown in a way, of course Sun and Moon eventually take an interest and want to learn more about him. Solace easily gets a huge crush on the Daycare Attendant but is too afraid and too shy to proceed, and feels like he'll just bring him down (of course his confidence changes later for the better, maybe he'll really try then). He's also fairly shy about being trans, he knows he doesn't exactly have the "right" parts, but he doesn't care and likes having a vagina. For reasons never explained, he was just made this way, and fine with it. So kind of a "kinsona" or whatever they called it before. Glamrock and Daycare Attendant kinsona I guess Lol

Anyway I know he isn't too complex or anything, he just represents sadness and then later happiness (and is also, just me). He doesn't have a real story in mind, I'm much too burnt out on energy and creativity anymore. Probably going to take a break from the art for a while, I gotta focus on a few other adulting things first, this transition and just need some r&r, badly. But much later on when I really feel ready to, I'll make the happy version. Watercolor can be hard sometimes and take a lot of time, but I love these colors and how things turn out.

Chapter 68: Nutty Buddy Fun

Summary:

Hehehe since this is sort of like an online journal too, I thought I'd admit something. Something good. And all of this proves my ex wrong. Sex didn't change our relationship between us what so ever. We're still just compadres. But like Lugia in the pokemon movie, the song as restored my strength! Oh gosh, thank you, that's the biggest itch on my back finally scratched. I'll always love those more who will scratch that annoying itch over those who just tell me to deal with it.

Sooo I went and saw my bestie again that I fuck 🥴 This time it went very well. Very very well. He's getting better and learning how to use it better. And he even said he'd still try with me later when I'm a man, he said he'll give it a shot. What a trooper and a true friend. I really like this friends with benefits type thing we have going on. We both have a very high sex drive and it seems we can actually speak in each other's love language but we just don't want to take it romantically with each other and there's no real pressure, and never have to face rejection. We simply don't need it to be a relationship to be happy and enjoy each other. Ahh that love making (twice I might add since I spent the night) was quite fantastic 😊 Just what I needed. Desperately needed. My head and body feels so much better now and I'm ready to face working. It's really nice to have someone you can trust to still be your best friend no matter what and both get out those primal lovely urges. He's a pervert like me and so it works out nice. It used to feel way more awkward than it does now, but at least I know I have one person in my corner I can run to for some love making sometimes. I just wish I could see him more often. Oh man, that was just...really nice. Really, really nice. I missed sex more than I realized. At least for now, the thirst has been quenched like a tall ice cold glass of water in the dryest desert and you on the verge of death. I felt like I was dying before that, and now those super sharp edges feel so rounded out, head feels more clear, body though sore from the act feels so relaxed. What's some sex between best friends? Why not? Neither of us has caught feelings so far, it's like we're brothers from another mother. Split from the same star, two peas in a pod. Ahh my twin flame in the platonic way yet we can fuck. I kind of hate that I'm so pansexual that when almost anyone treats me right after all I know is bad treatment, I get super turned on from that. If you're a good friend to me I will 95 percent of the time want to fuck you. I just can't help myself. I feel such connection and fun that way. Sex is just fun, relaxing, and a learning experience with the right people, and who says friends can't fuck their friends and still just be friends? It's rather nice not having the expectations and ties of a relationship. I do fear if he ever gets in a serious relationship one day with someone that I will have to drop the sex aspect of our friendship, I doubt they'd let that continue to fly, but until then, why not? I was thirsty and he gave me water. I needed my back scratched, and he made sure the itch went away, really nicely this time my god I was cumming all over the place 🤪 I just...really, really love sex. I'm glad I have him to fall back on every now and then and I'll try to see him again sometime soon, maybe in a month or two. At least for a few days, the dark haze of feeling lonely, touch starved, and sex cravings had finally been lifted. Even if the horny will definitely be back, at least I had the flesh this time. Oh my God how I've missed it. 🤤

It was real good to get in a couple last girl fucks. Because orgasms and sex is about to change a whole lot for me. I'm having some issues with the insurance and pharmacies carrying this stuff but I'm sure it'll be sorted out real soon and I can get started on the changes. The day I start I will mark down and call my "Manniversary" like another trans friend calls his. So sadly I still haven't started but hopefully tomorrow or next week. Ahh, it was so nice to get that shit out of me and get such affection too. He saved my life really and didn't even know it. He's a true friend, and I'm glad I can count on him especially not to judge and leave me hanging. 

One of the best Valentines Days ever really, such deep and passionate love making between best friends is truly some top tier shit. Oh yeah and we got fuckin' Cheech and Chong levels of baked. 😆🌿

Chapter 69: Servicing Solace

Summary:

:P

:3 Yeah I made my boy gettin' some head and finger action...hehehehe. I hope I know what it feels like someone sucking my tdick one day :D Hard to be "blue" gettin' ya dick sucked! Sexual encounters are one of the only times you will catch him/me genuinely smiling, it really makes him/me that happy. I have an idea for even more porn of him soon, but I kind of want to draw some other stuff first. Art is just a part of me I suppose, a weird part people will have to deal with. Yeah, I like to draw weird porn of animatronics and other nerd stuff. Just makes me happy :)

Also I, and so is he, are a little ghetto too so... so he'll say kinda ghetto things he doesn't really have a pet name or catch phrase or anything. Lol it is what it is.

Chapter 70: Bad Dysphoria Days/Having Issues

Soooo I'm having problems actually getting the T, at least in gel form so...I'm going to have to go with the injections and I'm so nervous about having to stick myself. I'll get some nurses to teach me but I'm super nervous about that. And the dysphoria is starting to eat me alive, I'm not sure if I'm going to make it guys. It's taking far too long to get me my medicine, it's been 2 weeks since I've seen that doctor and going on 3 that I'm not getting my treatment. The dysphoria is only really getting worse and idk how to stop it. I can't stand to see myself or my body in a mirror and I just keep breaking down. It's so horribly ugly, so fucking ugly, and I wish it would just die. Idk what I'm going to do if I don't get my T real soon. I can't survive at this job like this, in this kind of PCOS ridden female body. I NEED that extra strength and energy boost or I'll forever be tired and have no energy and depressed. I just hope I really get my shit soon, I'm not so sure I'm going to be living much longer.

Chapter 71: I'm Gone

I'm officially sick and fucking tired of all his abuse and manipulation tactics on me. He's so controlling. If he wanted me to help with the bills and stick around, what he did last night wasn't it. I was crying all day due to the dysphoria being so bad, and instead of consoles me, attacks me on something he wasn't supposed to see in the first place. You see, I never have had digital privacy when it comes to him. He's always gotta look over my shoulder, or snoop into things when I just forget and leave shit up. I should have left the very first time that happened so many years ago, because I knew it would just keep happening. I'd actually have good things to say if you uhhhh TREATED ME BETTER. TALKED TO ME BETTER. ACTUALLY GAVE A DAMN WHEN I'M UPSET AND CRYING. AND NEVER SEE ANY OF MY NEEDS AS A BURDEN! But this is simply not him, and I'm done waiting around for him to see my value and change. He'll never change, and he wants to be alone anyway so wish granted. I will find another place for me and my mother to live, without stairs, and never speak to him again. So not only am I having problems getting my damn testosterone, I now have to find us another place away from this fucking abuser. He's too mentally damaging for me and even physically damaging for me to keep sticking around and trying to keep the peace. Fuck all that, he chooses war, he CHOOSES to find things to get angry about, and any of my negative reactions to his abuse gets criticized instead of understood. So I'm officially done. I won't help with bills, I'll save my money for my medicine and getting a different place to live, my mother can't do stairs anymore anyway. I'm under so much stress that it's unbelievable, and he almost caused me to kill myself last night. I had a full pill bottle in my shaking hands, hyperventilating, contemplating whether I should do it or not. I know I am not safe to be myself around him, never was, and never will be. He deserves to see my corpse and put me to rest, since that's what he acts like he wants to happen, but I won't give him the satisfaction. I will never trust or love a cis straight male ever again, nor anyone with a low sex drive, ever again. My fuck buddy is the exception, and at least he'd NEVER make me feel like you do motherfucker. These types of people need to stay the hell away from me, they cause me far too much mental damage. Oh and the monos too, they need to stay the fuck away from me too. I can't stay "friends" with THAT. I can't even be in the same vicinity as THAT. So now, I will work on getting the hell out of here and I'm going to have to take her with me. I can't be around an emotionally, digitally, and financially abusive man any longer. He had ONE chance to really turn this around last night, and chose violence instead. I will never forgive him now, and need to get the hell away from him. Not that he has the ability to apologize and change anyway, not that he has the ability to recognize all the ways he really hurt and broke me. In his mind, he never, ever, done anything wrong to me, while I get to feel all the ruin of what he's done to my heart and soul. So this is it. We're gone, as soon as I'm able to make that possible, we are out of here and will hire movers for the heavy things. I'm sure my nervous system will FINALLY be able to calm down, being away from him, never seeing or hearing him again, and I can finally go be my true self without someone hating that and hating me for being fucking poly and probably even being trans. He does nothing to help my dysphoria really, and I wouldn't be surprised if he started using my dead name all over again out of sheer disrespect and attempting to torture me. I now HAVE to shut myself away in my room whenever he's here, because that's better than his shit vibes and shit neglect getting to me constantly. It's just temporary, it's just until I can escape him. I'm sure I'll calm down a whole lot more with him out of my life. I'm sorry my love and my life was such a burden, but trust me I will find those where it's never a burden, and something wanted. Fuck you Louis, and if you read this, because I KNOW you will, just know you really have lost me forever and you deserve to be as alone as you want to be. So don't worry, you will have that soon enough, and I can finally be happy again with your absence in my life, I could actually finally heal. You are too bad for me and my health, and probably all women's mental health tbh. You refuse to work on the toxic things about you, and really don't see them as bad things, but they are enormously bad, so detrimental to women all around and especially me. I don't have to tolerate it anymore, and I refuse to cooperate. My hard earned money is MINE, and I'm going to run with it, and you can pay all these bills yourself and keep this place to yourself. It's time for us to finally split, we are like oil and water, and everything will always be a fight, even if a fight is the very last thing I need, you make it happen anyway. You can't see another person's struggles, just your own, and that's sad considering I've put up with this for so long and was really gaslit into believing this was love. You don't know the first fucking thing about love, not even the platonic kind, and in a way, I feel sorry for you. You really think you know it all though and are just SOOOOO wise! But anyway, goodbye and good riddance forever, soon enough. 

Chapter 72: How Delightful

Summary:

Drew Miss Delight. Love her. Need her to haunt my ex boyfriend.

Yeah, I finally cranked out some Poppy Playtime Chapter 3 stuff, at least my favorite in it. She's so creepy, so menacing, so psychotic and cannibalistic, a part of me is kind of turned on tbh. Lol Idk why I'm like this. Maybe its the toothy grin, and all that started with Sun and Moon. I've been a baaaaad student, punish me scary Mommy :3 I realized I messed up on that hand when it was too late so just ignore that. I'm going through too much to fix it and just want to be done with it. 

Too bad I can't shove my ex into that school with her. Tired of the abuse, so me and my mom will find a different place to live, and he can be alone just like he really wants. Please read the post before this one for more details. 

Chapter 73: Manniversary!

2/23 is my official Manniversary. Immediately upon spreading the gel on my skin, and thankfully it absorbs quickly, I feel a little head fuzziness and felt some throat tightening (I just wonder if it tries to work on the vocal chords already?). But I also don't know if the fuzziness is just because of the buspar or not. Either way, otherwise, I feel completely normal and the throat tightening only lasted a little while and was nothing too major. I know the changes and all will be slow, but I'm so excited. I'm glad I survived his bs now, and just as self centered as he is, I will be now too for my own good. I'll still try to find us a more affordable and different place to live away from him, it just could take a while to get on some section 8 housing lists or other cheaper housing, should be able to get some help with that since she's on SSI. It's all finally worth it. Every little sacrifice has now not been in vain, and I can really start living instead of just surviving. And finally probably stop crying all the fucking time. I know my sex drive will increase even more and probably my irritation/aggression, but fuck it, I'm willing to deal with it. I'll just get more sex toys eventually, and try to be around people who appreciate my presence. I still haven't been able to put the cigs down, and I don't think I want to stop weed after all...I'm probably going to need it to keep a more level head and keep calm. I'll try to get me some patches and shit soon, but one thing at a time, and you really gotta be in the right kind of headspace for quitting cigarettes, it's really bloody hard. There's this thing called Fum that I'm wanting to get soon that could really help me kick the habit. I have to find a new weed dealer, I'm sure something bad happened to mine and he hasn't responded in months, so I got me one of those Delta 8 carts and my god are those getting stronger, I had me a few hits and it felt almost like smoking a whole bowl so...I mean, it works. They coming for your jobs dealers, up your game and be more reliable. 

*Huge sigh of relief* It's finally here though, folks. So much of my dysphoria can slowly finally start disappearing. While these laws down here are really fucking lame and harmful for trans people, I am able to afford it with GoodRx. It's a little pricey, but still doable for me. But thanks government for giving me Medicaid and then you won't cover the major things wrong with me anyway. And they are starting to eliminate pre-existing conditions, so they wouldn't help with the PCOS anyway. What good are you guys then??? Better cover dental at least, my teeth are fucked from too many years of dysphoria and not being able to stand looking in a mirror. Yes I take care of my teeth a bit better now, but when I was a teen and couldn't really understand what was going on with me and was constantly homeless bouncing from place to place and not sleeping well, I couldn't take care of my teeth so much back then and did end up paying the price. Hopefully they'll help fix my teeth at the very least. 

Also aesthetic wise and the clown stuff I wanna talk about that a little too. I can't actually FIND any clowny like clothes really, not just out and about but I have another idea for style and stuff that's more achievable. Since I am so attracted to the soft stuff anyway, and usually was just a goth before...how about pastel goth? I think that could be very fun and unique around here. For hair I'd really like soft pink and soft blue in it, kind of to represent trans colors as well. Just somehow, someway I'd like that on my head. But most of these more funner changes probably can't happen until I'm away from him, or I'll just have to build them up very slowly...I don't make a whole lot of money. I really miss those old baggy chain pants, but now I can put them with soft colors and stuff too owo it would be cute. Cute and a little gothy, I think I dig that. As for the clown stuff, it sadly really has become a dead profession...something for the old legends, sadly. But there's no reason why I can't keep my love for clowns and clown stuff in my artworks and what not, right? I don't HAVE to bring this stuff to reality, and they wouldn't get it anyway. It's too hard to find another clown to be able to work under and get mentoring from, especially around here. There's no reason why I can't just have clowny OCs and keep that stuff in fantasy world really, and I honestly don't think I can be that funny anyway. But I think pastel goth would be a lot funner to mess with and have the aesthetic of, and I can still play with make up! (But I want to when I look way more guyish than this, right now I'm still a pube, so I have time to really build that stuff up.) 

But yeah, we're a happy camper now, and I can finally go through boy puberty. Hopefully soon I can actually gather the willpower to quit the cigarettes, I just have to take these things kind of slow and one baby step at a time. Time to also get me a gym membership and go to the gym and work out. Like a DUDE for once! Kinda muscular pastel goth anyone? :D Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa so happy, so happy to get the body I always wanted, I'll just have to work a little hard for it too to help it. Now let's hope that when the months go by my periods get lighter and start to go away, then I won't need 2 surgeries and just only top surgery. Just hope and pray the bleeding and cramps stop eventually. I heard you can get phantom cramps still, but I hope they are nothing like the real deal. If they are smaller or mitigated, then I can deal with it. 

Chapter 74: Very Rough Day 1

Day 1 on T. 

Was very rough. Verrrrry rough. My body is having a hard time adjusting right away, and maybe it was a combination of things that caused me to get dizzy, throw up a lot and sorta pass out. I made the mistake of celebrating with half of an edible, thinking I could handle half, but I didn't keep in mind that my body might go haywire due to the sudden influx of testosterone. My heart rate is so high and blood feels thicker already, it's a strange feeling. It feels worse when I do end up smoking anything, even cigs, so it might just FORCE me to quit. I ended up missing work so I hope my coworkers aren't too angry, I couldn't drive like that I would have crashed the car. Boobs are also insanely itchy right now. I looked it up though and it's not all that uncommon to feel extremely sick for at least a few days when starting this stuff. The body is kind of like "What the hell are you doing to me?" So is probably trying to fight it. Apparently due to their heart and blood volume "man flu" really is a thing and they do feel illnesses worse than women do, so who knows I could have probably gotten a stomach bug too, we'll have to see if it's that bad for the second day even without that edible I took like a dumbass. The head fuzziness persisted all day, I really could barely think. But if the nausea persists anyway then it probably is the T and my body having a hard time adjusting. Feel an increased need for sleep at this time and am so tired. Skin feels hotter to the touch. Apparently guys have more volume to their brains too so the head fuzziness could be coming from that trying to expand or something. Does also feel like I am hungrier too, but I also don't know if edibles can give you the munchies like smoking does or if it's just the T. 

 

So far experienced: 

-Head fuzziness or fogginess 

-Increased heart rate

-Higher blood pressure/blood volume 

-Extreme nausea/throwing up multiple times 

-Dizziness like the room is spinning but it's not 

-Hot skin and itchy boobs 

-increased appetite already? 

 

I'll have to see if it all persists passed a few days. I read online that it isn't all that uncommon to get this sick feeling when first starting, so I shouldn't be that alarmed that this all happened. I asked some people of my trans group if they experienced the same thing and they didn't, they only got the head tinging/fogginess. But like I said it could be a combination of things, the euphoria of finally getting my treatment and maybe that edible really didn't help. But others online have said starting hrt has caused them to throw up and get dizzy before. I just wish someone would have told me that you could very well feel worse before you start feeling better. While I wish that wouldn't happen, this is all quite a shock to the brain and body so it's understandable. It shouldn't be this bad after a few days however once the body starts getting used to it, right now it's in a state of chemical cocktail shock. Hopefully I can go to work this time, we'll just have to see. And no more edibles until I'm off work, Jesus Christ that was a bad and stupid idea, but I never said I was the brightest crayon in the bunch. Lol I should have known not to do that when on a brand new hormonal drug, should have known my ultra sensitivity to my body would cause me a very hard adjustment. Hopefully day 2 isn't as bad and hopefully the body starts adjusting to it more quickly. Whew boy, my body isn't liking this so far, but oh well bitch, you gunna cooperate whether you like it or not. You'll adjust, it just sucks that these things take time. Often time we don't really have. 

 

Chapter 75: Second Day

Summary:

Much better. Wasn't puking this time or felt dizzy at all, feel relatively normal.

So I didn't get so sickly this time, but I'm now thinking that was mostly from the edible. So take it from me, don't be a dumbass and like...get wasted in any way after taking your first dose. Especially weed kinda fucks with your insulin and if you already have issues with insulin well it's just not a good idea. I didn't even really get so much head fuzziness today and felt relatively normal, I did feel kinda hot when working and not in the sexy way. It was a rough day at work only us 2 housekeepers there for the whole night and it was busy af, everyone acting like some god damn animals or like we're your nanny or something. I did wish I didn't have to work right now though and us being so short staffed when I'm so hormonal. I do feel a bit irritated but it's probably just due to work not having enough people. That first dose though was probably the worst and I shouldn't have chanced taking ANYTHING on it, I wish I would have knew my body was going to react like that for the first time and shouldn't have mixed it with weed. So whatever you do, don't get blasted in any way when taking that first dose you don't know what your body is going to do to you when first introduced to that shit. 

So far feeling: 

-Fine/normal 
-Am still hungrier, so that's something that hit right away. 
-A bit hotter especially when being more active, notice more sweat. 
-heart rate is still a little up but I find taking more buspar really helps, avoiding caffeine, and not trying to smoke so much. 
-Boobs just a tad bit itchy, not like yesterday. 

So yeah, don't party too hard when you get your first dose. I'm a growing boy now, I gotta behave myself a little more and definitely be more responsible than that. My bad everyone, I'm definitely not a perfect person and sometimes do really dumb things. So yeah don't get absolutely fucking faded off half an edible thinking you can handle it. If you got insulin resistance due to PCOS or pre-diabetes or anything, definitely don't do that when introducing your body to a flood of new hormones, you'll be sicker than a dog puking your fucking guts out. I was very lucky to have made it to the toilet each time, but you could end up not so lucky. So don't be a dumb dumb like me sometimes, and hopefully you don't have any addictions to battle because they are some SHIT. But at least I got my T in me now and so I can focus on those things a lot better. 

Oh, and I did masturbate out of boredom and to see if there was any sort of changes yet. Everything is still the same but it didn't take me as long, but I also don't know if that's just because I was enjoying myself for once. I am super excited though for bottom growth when it does start to happen, although I hear it'll be super uncomfortable. Anything else really noticeable happens I'll talk about it, but so far things are better than yesterday and that's fantastic really. Didn't throw up at all, so I'm attributing that shit to having too much weed with that first dose. So yeah don't do what I did and you might be golden. 

I've gotta add, I still can't believe it's really here, you know? It was something I always thought unattainable. It's really here, the dream is coming true. That small child's prayers finally got answered, in adulthood. Every last darkest moment that I thought was the end, was worth pushing through now. I may have to go through puberty again, but it's all so worth it, and now I can finally live. 

Chapter 76: The Moon Plague

Summary:

Decided to make an infection/horror AU for MLP. Also, I find my love for Sun and Moon stuff is kind of going? Kind of vanishing? I don't want it to, but it just is. There is just other things I'd rather do right now, like play with ponies again. Hope you guys don't mind if I end up never really going back to Fnaf stuff but rarely. I guess I thank them though for getting me through a pretty rough time, and now I got transition happening and a lot more to focus on. Just been back into MLP stuff lately and digging all the different infection AUs out there, had to make my own and it may or may not get some story to it. I didn't want to make my AU involve true cannibalism or melting flesh, though I do enjoy those very much, and so they are vampire-like monster ponies that tend to hide in the darkness. I do apologize if my love for Fnaf stuff is starting to really fizzle out. I tried to start that one porn comic but just, kind of lost the will and don't think I have enough willpower to really create it. But for this MLP stuff however, might just fuck with it. Might make some kind of story. So where's Clown Town in this you are wondering? Not born yet, and if one of the parents is killed or never meets, will never be born.

So most of what's going on with my own infection au is explained. I've been really into these things lately and I know I'm a little late to the party, but I love Nightmare Moon so much I decided to make a viral curse come from her. A party of terrorist assassin ponies murdered Celestia, and Luna found her body and clues that they were ordinary ponies. She turned into Nightmare Moon again and decided to unleash a terrible plague to end of all pony kind, only sparing her own bat ponies.

Common question:
Where is Discord and why can he not help?
Answer:
Only a sun alicorn's magic can cure the ponies, and they'd have to be knowledgeable and strong enough in magic to stop the plague completely and cure everyone. Since Celestia is dead and gone, they can only wait for another sun alicorn to be born and enter this realm. His chaos magic cannot affect the curse, and so he decides to kidnap Fluttershy and they stay together in his dimension, even though Flutters wanted to try to help save people if she could. Discord only cares about her, and so he saved her. He will appear in Equestria every few years to see if things are resolved yet or not. (I couldn't bare anything to happen to Fluttercord, shut up, they are OTP!!!)

Additional info:
-The curse can only spread to pony kind and species much like ponies; changelings and hippogriffs are not safe.
-Over the years, many plants become bioluminescent and give off their own light, no longer need sunlight to survive.
-Technology gets downgraded as most of Equestria is overtaken by the Moon Plague.
-Laws are made to kill the Plagued and high bounty rewards are given for the murdered bat ponies. You will be ordered to kill them no matter who they are/were to you.
-Bat ponies are banned from most places in society and hunted, so they form secret societies mostly in underground caves. (In my headcanons, Luna created the bat pony race so of course they are unaffected). Most feel their treatment is unjust. Some are even captured and experimented on for a cure.
-If Earth pony is infected, gains 10 times strength.
-If Pegasi is infected, can fly faster and tighter turns in the air. Uses hearing to navigate.
-If Unicorn, can only do dark magic harmful spells.

1st stage- lasts 4 days
2nd stage-week and a half
3rd stage-until death

If I make a story, which I'm debating on trying, I shall call it: My Little Monsters: Friendship is Fear. Will they ever be saved one day, or will life for Equestria fall to the star-kin? Life as they know it has been changed seemingly for forever...but will it be so for the rest of time?

Chapter 77: Reminder of Art Websites

Summary:

AO3 every few months keep breaking my images and I'm quite tired of trying to replace them, I have too many for that and it takes me hours. PLEASE fix this AO3!!! There's no reason why this should keep happening here when you have the option to place in images. They shouldn't all get broken all the time and then it has to be up to the user to fix it??? No, fix your website! At least the images won't disappear off of my art websites, so those are down below. I'm sorry for not replacing the ones that are broken, I don't have the time and energy for that and that takes hours. Please fix your shit, I'm really sick of having to do that all the time.

DA: https://www.deviantart.com/xoutoftheshadows13x
Furaffinity: https://www.furaffinity.net/user/xoutoftheshadows13x
Inkbunny: https://inkbunny.net/xOutoftheShadows13x

Chapter 78: Nightmare Moon: My Little Monsters

Summary:

So hopefully I can write about this soon, but I have work in the way. And hopefully Ao3 doesn't break the image, if it does I'm sorry.

Grief stricken, and no longer cares about any pony, she doomed their world. Twilight didn't want to have to put her down for good, but it seems the Tree of Harmony is no longer working. The elements have turned useless, and so she and Rarity went to Starlight to learn how to kill with their magic. When I said Twilight and her friends defeated her, I didn't mean all of her friends, and not defeat in the show way. When the time comes, Rarity falters and just can't do it, and it's up to Twilight and Starlight to kill her. The guards didn't actually stop them in their pursuit...knowing the Princess is far too gone mentally, and the curse can't be taken back now. A hard magical battle ensues and Nightmare Moon is overpowered. Even despite her death, it is still eternal night and the curse is still active, until another sun alicorn comes along and is able to raise the sun again. It seems not even Twilight can pull the sun back up and take the moon down, and trust me, she tries. However once she dies, ponies cease to dream at all and the nightmares stop.

I'm sorry, I don't have the time or energy to write right now, but I do want to write and will write something on this as soon as I really can. It'll probably have to wait til my work weekend is over. It'll be in my usual play style, it's just how I like to write things. But because I really want to draw more ponies, I'll probably do these status sheets for every chapter on the main ponies it's about. I ignore the hunger and thirst stat, it's just not that important to me. To emulate the show and for my own personal ease, I am not shading these or getting too complicated with them, however I want to play with poses and the like.

My Luna has the half bat wings too, only they look more like her mane does and gradient is blue to purple. Her ears are also slightly bigger and are the bat ears, they are just facing downwards usually now.

Luna is best princess...I'm so sorry to hurt you in such a horrible way and make you my villain for plot device; I love you Luna and Nightmare Moon, I am so sorry baby :(

Chapter 79: First period on T :(

It hurts like a motherfucker still, but the blood is already much lighter. Before it dropped, my newfound teenage angst was in full swing, and I think I rolled my eyes more than I ever have before. Lol God damn, the public is fucking annoying. And bigots. And phobes. And I really have to clean up phobic shit and piss. God this job sucks, but hopefully once I'm stronger and more able maybe I can handle something else, either another part time job somewhere else or just a different job entirely.

I had the most LOVELY conversation with a fucking transphobe yesterday. I don't think he knew he was talking to a tranny, I thought he thought I was cis because he was perfectly comfortable explaining why he was waiting on the family restroom, when the men's room is right there. He didn't want the "queers and chicks with dicks" to look at his junk. Hunny I promise you aint packing nothing special anyway, and no one wants to see your junk. And people were so rude, and I'm on my fucking period so I really don't feel like dealing with any of it. Also stupid ass, if it's a chick with a dick, she'll use the women's room you fuckin dumbass. I just had to walk away at that point before I backhand some idiot. I can't believe there's still bigots and assholes in this world who really want to see all of us trans people dead, and probably reveled in the fact a poor little enby 16 year old got beat to death in school. I really hate this country sometimes. Not only do you have to serve the rich just for your transition, but then the public wants you dead and out of the way anyway. This world is so unfriendly for trans people and it's fucking RIDICULOUS.

But on a more positive note I am able to see just some very slight changes. It'll be a bit over a week on T for me now. I can see my veins in my arms a bit better, and I'm a little more sensitive downstairs already and it looks just a teeeeeeensy bit bigger.

Chapter 80: Final Thoughts on Ex Narc and My Heart

Summary:

Oh yeah and I don't care if you see this NARCISSIST STALKER MOTHERFUCKER. In the words of one of Alan Rickman's roles, KISS MY FINE WHITE ASS!

I just wanted to get out some thoughts that have been buzzing around in my head. It is very possible for a narcissist to have a low sex drive, and lie about that in the beginning. He really love bombed me with sex, and then is surprised years later, once already moved in with me, that he can't or doesn't want to keep up that momentum. I'm trying so hard to forgive 18 year old me. 18 year old me didn't know anything about narcissists and how they work and worm their ways into your life just to destroy it. 18 year old me wasn't aware of just how bad and how strong the patriarchy really is, and how it's ingrained in every cishet man, and how it's always the women or even trans people who suffer from it while the cishet men get all the benefit. They get a free house maid, a free help meet, a free therapist, free sex worker, and we just get a pat on the back IF THAT in return. The weaponized incompetence starts, the degrading your sexuality starts, the choosing video games over you constantly starts...and then there's no going back for them. They'll never be what they showed you in the beginning, because that was a mask they wore just to get your affection in the first place. Once that mask slips off, they get less and less appealing. I don't even WANT to touch him anymore or be anywhere near him. I can't believe I lowered my standards SO MUCH, so I have to forgive the 18 year old, young and dumb me. She really gave this loser a chance, and paid the heftiest price. I really had no self respect back then, and was so gullible, and just let any fucking loser into my life and have access to my body. I hope just the bare bones kindness and little tiny pieces of attention aren't going to fool you to be with someone for 12 miserable years. He didn't have a good family, not even a job or a place to stay when we got together, so he tricked me with sex, which is what hobosexuals do. Breadcrumbing was all he knew how to do after moving in with me and getting that job and that car. I'd never get sincere apologies or changed behavior, no, he never does anything wrong and that is the hallmark of a narcissist. A narcissist doesn't have to be this ultra sexual being, in fact if he was, that would have cut down 90% of our problems. I got 99 problems and now a narc aint one LOL xD Woot woot! 

Is it kind of weird how he made me really hate video games anymore??? I just now see how much time I wasted on those things as a teen and young adult. How much time they took away from my dog Bandit, and I can hardly forgive myself for that. I can see doing video games constantly when you're a kid and maybe have no access to friends or other things, but once you get a bit older you need to broaden your horizons a bit. You need to have other hobbies besides that. And people definitely need to be more important than the damn games. He really chose those things over spending time and attention on me, and it's something I'll probably never forgive the allure of games for. For some reason, it seems to melt their brain and then that's all they care about. I used to LOVE video games before him, and now, I hardly love them at all, and see how much of a waste of time and potential they are. They rot your brain, rot your body, rot your relationships. If you're alone and single then sure, play games, but once you get with someone please PLEASE don't put the games over their importance in your life. I can never see in a million years, how video games are better than time and sex with me. 

And that's another thing I will NEVER tolerate again. Once I see that I am in fact, not your world or your everything, I will definitely bounce and leave you to your own devices. I know what I'm worth now...and I'm worth being fucked relentlessly by people who love the shit out of me, and I love the shit out of them. I will never tolerate my sexuality and sex drive being dismissed or belittled, ever again. You want to just think I just want to use you for sex and that's it? Go ahead and think that, I'll move onto the next who wouldn't dare say or think those things about me. Gone are the days of my intentions being misconstrued, and my heart being misunderstood. If I love you, I'm going to want to fuck you, all the time, practically every day. And if you can't handle that, please don't try to trick me to be with you, it will only make us both miserable. 

And I just LOVEEEEE how when I say that I'm poly, so many people think my love is only surface level and shallow. Think that all you want, but I know how deeply my love runs, it runs deeper than the Mariana fucking trench. Once I love someone, I get super obsessed with them and being romantic, being sexual and want to please them every moment of every day. From the time I wake up, to the time I go to bed, they are all I will think about...that doesn't spell shallow to me. So even though my heart's big enough and strong enough to share with multiple people, doesn't mean it's shallow in the slightest. Once you are everything I've ever needed, good luck getting rid of me, even if I want others too that doesn't diminish the love I have for someone at all. Now constant gaslighting, emotional manipulation, lies and deceit, and using me for your comforts in life while not fulfilling my needs and dreams in return...THAT's how you lose me. He honestly lost the best thing in his life that he'll ever have. No one is going to love him the way I did, and how deeply I did, and I hope he realizes that one day when he's all alone, with nothing but this cat and the video games. I hope the cat will be okay and not too lonely. He's got a way of making everyone feel lonely around him. I may be poly, but I have to be super careful about who I fall in love with, because once I do, it's so deep it swallows me whole, and I practically CAN'T say no. It was my love that even made him special. And now that he doesn't have it, I see just how average, typical, and boring, he really is. Never settle for the bare minimum or even below the bare minimum, you are showing them that it's perfectly acceptable to treat you as if you are just some average person on the street, and that's not what you are at all. 

I see now just how worthy I was of all those things, and I was worthy of them. I just settled for and picked the wrong person, and gave him chance after chance after chance to prove those thoughts wrong. Don't do that. If they clearly love something more than you, let them have at it, and go find someone who will love you above those material possessions. Pick someone that doesn't mind spoiling you (the provider mindset), paying for your meds and getting medical help, doesn't mind going out and doing dates, where they don't look like a sourpuss the whole time because you are taking precious time away from their video games. Pick someone who picks you, every time, over their usual shit. Get that golden retriever type love, it won't steer you wrong. I hope I can find that kind of lover, or lovers, one day. 

People can diss poly all they want, but while you're being jealous that someone is using their free will and is fucking someone else that they love and you know about...I'll be over here, jacking off, and getting super turned on, and wanting them to send me a video of it. Lol hubba hubba, arf arf, AWWWWOOOOOO that makes me hornier than a horny toad! :P 

Also on another note completely different from all this...I do apologize that my love for making porn, and even my precious scrunkly, has pretty much diminished into hardly anything. The passed few years have caused too many changes in my life, and I think I loved all that stuff just BECAUSE of all the sex I was having. Once someone lights my fire again, maybe that stuff will return. He's still such a lovely comfort character though, even when not being my porn star. Lol I'm just sorry if all that stuff really does stop for who knows how long. I gotta have that passion and fire in my heart for sex, and it's simply not there now. I'm sure once someone or someones start lighting that fire in my heart again, I'm sure the constant porn will return. But until then, maybe I'll just do some horror MLP stuff since I'm so getting into it. Maybe I'll write tragedy, horror, and drama, more than smut for now. And I'll only want those who WANT me to be so sexual, who loves that, who loves the fact I even draw sexual things, and maybe they'll even give me ideas of what to draw. I do have one last idea for a Sun and Moon audio though...how about trans affirming Sun? :) I want him to say things that I really want to hear, that most transmen want to hear. Maybe for Moon, I'll do it for transwomen. Sounds fun to me, and gives my friend something to do putting that robot filter on those. I do notice my voice getting slightly deeper though, so I do hope I can even still make them sound right. My voice hasn't cracked and really dropped yet in octaves, but I know it will sometime. It's already naturally deep, I hope it gets even deeper and sexy :P Until next time, folks, goodbye! I'm feeling a lot less broken hearted over this damn loser, and getting back to my clowny kind of spirit. Maybe I will still incorporate clowncore into my pastel goth stuff, I still think that would be very fun. I may be the unfunniest clown ever, and if someone wants me to do something funny or say something funny, maybe I'll flip them off or moon them, there, that's funny to me, that's fucking hilarious! xD Kiss my damn clowny ass, I don't live for your entertainment, I live for mine! 

Chapter 81: Robot Hugs :) [Sketch]

Summary:

Idk I just wanted to draw Moon again being cute and I saw all of Friendship is Witchcraft and absolutely adored Sweetie Belle/Bot Lol She is the best thing in it, and I need both of these ultra loving robots in my life. I sure do miss affection, even if all the affection I ever got was faked. I know one day it'll be real. Sweetie Bot deserves all the hugs! I'll get back to the dark and nitty gritty MLP stuff soon but I just wanted a break for a little bit and to do something else, something cute and funny so it's just a little sketch. And even Sun's outfit is going to be sparkly now, I just gotta get the gay out somehow and loooooove using the sparkle brushes xD

Sorry for getting lazy and just making it a sketch but I wanted to move on to some other ideas and maybe get back to story time. (And sorry if it breaks)

Chapter 82: Changes on T/Bitterness

Sooo I did write a lot but I got forced logged out and lost it all sooo I guess I have to sum it up like this. :/

-Arms getting bigger and heavier, can literally feel the new mass
-Hot and sweaty often, musk is even manlier but I shower more to not turn myself on. Even sadly have a foot stink now after I be workin. 
-Tingling and strange feeling in the clit and sometimes lips, maybe even random boners or it growing? It is getting a little bigger and waaaay more sensitive! I had to cave in and get some soft, loose boxers. (this also makes me have to masturbate a lot...just the urge to touch myself is great all the time now) 
-Vagina still works fine is just dryer and I always had to use fake lube anyway. 
-Voice getting slightly deeper, wonder when the "crack" is going to happen. 
-Orgasms still otherwise feel the same and can still do multiple internal ones, though the clit one comes easier now and it's just very sensitive and can even feel that its a teensy bit bigger. 
-happy trail is getting a lil hairier and up my stomach more Lol my body might be hairy before my face is. 

I'm having trouble quitting cigarettes but I think I'll buy the stuff I need real soon. I bought a binder too and I'm still unfortunately waiting on it to come in. Unfortunately, my skin really doesn't like the adhesive in the trans tape.

I'm also dealing with quite the bitterness and resentment from being abandoned like I was and just keep feeling the betrayal and injustice creep into my heart trying to poison it, but I'm trying so hard not to let it. And I'm so tired of people misunderstanding me and misunderstanding poly. I for one, think it's the ultimate form of selfishness and greed to really think one person should be attracted to and want ONLY you, forever, when there's so many awesome people worth meeting and loving out there. It's just arrogance to me, and I won't keep taking abuse from mono people. If you have a problem with me, my sexuality, my polyamory just ANYTHING I really don't have to capacity to defend myself constantly or keep arguing so it's like think what you want and live the way YOU want but you can't put mono rules on poly people, it just doesn't work. I don't think and feel the same ways most people do about love, romance, lust, it all. And sadly I had to discover that the hard way, I tried the mono thing and it sucked the god damn life out of me. But at least my emotions have pretty much dampened and I do feel better in control of myself. Now my emotions are hungry, horny, kinda mad, but I'm able to like, just drop it now before when I could never really do that in a million years. I had so much more written but oh well it's gone so. I guess its a good thing to wanna just work on myself right now and try to be one with all these changes happening. I wanna be hot for the ladies and find myself getting kinda more attracted to them too. You CAN be manly and soft, it is possible, and not a bad thing at all. And also hygiene isn't gay cis guys okay like stop being a slobby disgusting ass, please. I may have a musk kink and all but some of you like, are disgusting in many many ways can we get some like hygiene and manners and decorum please? Just, please. How do you not wanna look and feel your best for them? Come on now...aren't you a guy? Don't you wanna show off? I sure do, how can you show off being a disgusting dirty nasty motherfucker? Some of these people I swear. I do miss affection and the like but needs to come from someone who genuinely cares about me and would never dream of saying the things he said to me. He really scarred my mind and really broke my heart, and that's something you can't ever come back from. There's just some things you don't do or say when it comes to having a partner like me, and there's always a right way to say something and a wrong way, and he would always say the wrong way. Sadly, even if they were words said in anger, there's always some truth to someone's anger, and it's something he can't take back with me now. So I'm dealing with a simmering hatred while my mother enables his behavior and all he's ever made me feel, destroyed my confidence in myself, destroyed me as a woman, and it's kind of sad that I can only have my power to really be myself and be happy as a damn man, but you couldn't respect that out of a damn woman, hmmm kinda sus. Hopefully I can keep it under wraps and it just comes and goes like it has been. I'm not one to get over deep personal betrayal lightly though, and I hope karma will come around and whoop his ass in the same ways he hurt me, somehow, someway. He lost me and the man I'm becoming, and will never have it back, so that's already kind of the best revenge there while he has to sit there and see me snatch my light back, snatch my power back.

Chapter 83: Twilight Sparkle and Spike: My Little Monsters

Summary:

I might put these together in one chapter, there is going to be more of them, or I might not even bother since they go to the story I'm making and will be on there. Going to show off Twilight here though and Spikey-wikey, and then might be taking a little break because I have an idea for a real nasty porn comic involving Clown Town, even in a new outfit. :D I've been really feeling the fire for Nightmare Moon lately, I just gotta get this super wicked rapey idea out. So yeah the return of a kink no one really likes but me, but that's fine, this comic is FOR me anyway :P

Okay finally got this out but I actually have an idea for a naughty pony comic so I might work on that first before moving forward. Sorry if I'm on a real pony kick, I just find myself getting back into it and I really love Nightmare Moon so much Lol Anyway yeah this is my Twilight Sparkle design and just smol little Spike there (I might have accidentally made him TOO small but oh well it's cute), I really loved the yellow in her hair so it's a permanent thing for me. Everyone seems to shit on Spike but I've always loved him, he's a smol cute brave little guy. One of his episodes even brings me to tears often, that Dragon Quest one I believe it was called. Pretty much my childhood right there. Will they ever get better, you are probably asking yourselves? NO. I'm a tragedy clown, this is the shit I like to write, fuck you. My Kings and Queens for my plays always have to suffer in some way...the hardening doesn't come before the breaking. That maybe in their struggles, maybe it resonates with you too in some way. We all experience loss, violence, and sickness.  True darkness has now fallen on Equestria. What will ponies do, always on high alert, with the loss of all hope seeping into their hearts? 

Chapter 84: Anti-Fetishists beware...

Summary:

Just a little rant because on DA I get soooooo sick and tired of seeing kinky people be attacked. It's really getting on my nerves, I am super tired of kink shaming, I just don't get it all this shit is so harmless its all fiction anyway like. Separate reality from fiction people come on, you can do it, you can have a more advanced brain than of a toddler I'm sure, right? I just get so tired of seeing it man. Someone has a rape kink or cnc especially they haaaate you on DA. I just feel like I had to lay on a smack down in a sense. You guys hit us all the time and expect us not to hit back like haha that's hilarious! Kinky people are not scary, they are not your enemy, they are not the "devil" or "sinful", they are just people like anyone else. What's so wrong with enjoying each others bodies and making each other feel things, hmm? I don't get it.

Please know that I am not the page for you. Now that being said, I have noticed an increase in watchers and while I am eternally grateful, I implore you to please turn away now if you are against many fetishes and all around sexual content. I love being a porn artist, and a writer, and I'm not one to listen to your grievances about kink and what all happened to you personally. Just because something happened to you PERSONALLY, doesn't mean you get any say so in what someone else does with their craft. If you've been hurt by sex, attacking NSFW artists on the internet is not what you should do. Go get REAL help for your pain, go to therapy, call hotlines, hell call the fucking police! You'd think people wouldn't be brain dead enough to see some art, get offended by it, and start attacking the artist just because someone hurt you THAT WASN'T EVEN THAT ARTIST! But here we are, brain-dead city. An artwork can hurt your eyes, sure, it can make you want to throw up even I've seen some of those, but honestly you haven't matured enough to even be on this website if you can't just laugh at the stuff that makes you uncomfortable. I laughed my fuckin ass off at something I seen the other day and it was actually something so gross to me, so cringe, but you know what I didn't do? I didn't go tell the artist that they can't make it. They can do whatever the hell they want, art is very versatile like that.

I just get SO TIRED of seeing fellow NSFW artists get a bunch of shit just because your sensibilities are WAY too delicate. Maybe grow a pair, and don't be on a website called "DEVIANT art" if seeing some fetishy nsfw stuff can trigger you so bad, you just have this deep seated need to attack every kinky artist out there. So this is my warning for you. I am not the page or artist for you if you have a problem with rape kink especially and cnc. This new comic I'm making IS going to feature my rape kink, and yeah, it's not for everybody. And before you go on saying "How could you!?!?! You've never been actually attacked!" Yes I have. I was sodomized against my will as a 17 year old. I somehow, someway, was able to get over it and it didn't affect my love for sex and kink. I don't give ONE bad time the power over my sex drive or my sex life. All around, sex is usually a very positive experience for most...are you really going to let one motherfucker, one dirty nasty rapist bastard, really ruin it all for you? I just don't think you should let that happen, and certainly not attack some random person on the internet for their kinks...I promise artists are not out here raping anyone just because they have a rape kink and draw it sometimes. Drawing =/= Reality. Some of you are so far warped between reality and fiction, you can't tell which is real anymore, so you go hurt some random bastard on the internet thinking you're doing the right thing and being self righteous but all it does really is hurt you further, and congrats you wind up hurting a random person that more than likely doesn't deserve it.

So please, if you want to hate me or anyone like me for our kinks, just hit the block button and be done with it. You might be teenagers, but the rest of us are adults and lead busy lives, especially too busy to fight with ignorant teens on the internet. If you are a teenager and so offended by kink, just give it time. Grow up a little, and eventually you might find you like things that previously made your skin crawl. Tastes change over time and you discover what you like and don't like, for various reasons. Now stop being a little asshole, and stop attacking people kinkier than you.

I'd like to add something to this too. You don't get to judge someone for taking a job to survive and get what they need. I'd like to think I wouldn't be judged so harshly for taking this job but here we are. I'm FINE with this job, it's something I can do without a full on mental breakdown, no one bothers me really, and my coworkers are nice. And SOMEONE has to do it, I'm sure you don't want to sit on dirty toilets or sit at disgusting tables. I don't live for money, I just don't. What I enjoy mostly money can't buy, it's just a tool to buy the things I need like my medicines. You aren't better than someone just because they are a janitor. Period.

Chapter 85: One Month on T/Some thoughts

Summary:

Also, I miss sex. I really miss sex. It really did just make me happy. I just wanted us to be even happier, was all. I really don't think I was bad for that. I'm always wondering now when I'll break from the pent up pressure. I'm wondering if I'd end up fucking just anyone again and falling back on my old ways, which I really don't want to, and probably even can't being an early ftm guy now. Sigh. Masturbating is so boring often, and I miss the feeling of flesh in and on me. I also just thought more sex parties and or ogies would be in my future, but sadly I guess that'll never happen. Now that I'm not a young girl to prey upon, I am undesirable by most men. I'm hoping women will be different, and see me and love me for who I actually am. It seems all I am to cis men, is a tool.

-Muscle cramps especially in the back and shoulders, and feet. Shoes feel like they are getting tighter. Seems like chest is broadening some. 

-Jaw is getting a little wider slowly. 

-Arms still getting bigger, though I really need a gym.

-Increased agitation, but could also be because PMS right now. 

-Orgasms are getting different. They are shorter in duration and is concentrated in the groin area, very strange. They are still very intense and lovely, vaginal Os haven't changed and I'm in fact getting creamier when I do cum than before, which is odd because T is supposed to dry you up. Instead of really flailing around now my legs just shoot up in the air and I freeze and crunch up while moaning. Lol 

-Getting hot and sweaty, all the time.

-Tingling and weird cramps in groin still randomly.

I don't really have many changes to report so far, everything is just slowly growing and doing it's own thing. But I find in the hours I'm alone, the resentment comes back. The heartache comes back. All the pain I've been inflicted with during this relationship comes back. Everything he's said that has scarred my mind and the thunderous yelling and contorted angry face comes back. I only got even more sexual because I wanted his interest in me to come back...it was pretty much gone. But I would never get it back, no matter how hard I tried. He got what he wanted, an easy home to live in, a car, and a job. I let this man in, and built him up, to never be repaid in romance or intimacy, or even mercy or understanding. He really hurt me more than anyone, and it shocks me that he can carry on as if it was no big deal to destroy my confidence in myself, my self esteem, and my self worth. It was nothing for him to tear me down, and stomp all over my heart and all the pleasure I was trying to bring. I can't wait til I never fucking see him again, never hear him again, and finally am really free. He doesn't know how much he really hurt me, and I'll probably never be the same. How the fuck can I be a man, when I have a life time of womanly trauma behind these eyes? I really wasted my most formative and important years just...chasing men, giving bottom feeders a chance with me, and now I'm left with nothing and don't even know who I am. I built a man up to just get torn down, the tale since the dawn of time. You do everything for a man, and they fuck you over anyway. Just so you guys know, when a guy says 50/50 and you MUST work...he ain't shit, it'll actually be 80/20, with you not only working but taking care of the house and meals and all the emotional labor of the relationship. 50/50 is guy speak for "I think just paying bills is enough, worship me like a god peasant" And especially shitty of him to always make me have to work when I was going through too many reproductive issues and emotional issues. Because of the constant reproductive problems that pop up in females, it should be OPTIONAL for them to work, they don't have the body for it. While I am broke, I'm not gunna sit there and tell a woman it MUST be 50/50. I'd rather be the one doing most of the work while she gets to chill, as a man you are supposed to provide more than just money. Provide no added stress, provide orgasms, provide food to eat, provide shelter and ONE thing to never forget to provide is FUN. 

So I want to make a quick pros and cons list for this break up because I need to remember he will never change, that's really him, and these are the things to keep in mind whenever I feel bad for him or miss him. You did your best in a situation you long wanted out of. You held it together and betrayed your own needs and happiness for him to just want your "companionship" more than love. Thank God you no longer have to do that, thank the universe that you no longer have to play a role you absolutely hated, and had no power or control over anything. 

Pros:

-He's gotten ugly. Inside and out. You aren't even attracted to him anymore and it's been that way for years since he let his physique go since being with you. He even shaved off his dreads and his head looks weird. His face isn't even hot either. 

-He's so unhealthy, he has a very low sex drive for an adult man. Probably low T, I probably have more T in my system than he does now. 

-Can't communicate. If you go to him for your problems or when you're upset, remember he'll make you more upset or just not give a damn about what hurt you in the first place. Never communicates important things, thinks everyone can just read his mind, will leave you guessing and no one has time for that. 

-No emotional intelligence. Doesn't understand how harmful his actions and words can be, or even inaction can be. No will to truly connect with you on deeper emotional levels. 

-Inconsiderate. Will always get himself good food while me and my mom eats shit. Smokes cigarettes inside still when I've asked REPEATEDLY to take them outside and stop torturing me because I'm doing something he couldn't do in a million years which is quit cigarettes. Consideration is a very important pillar of love and he was always too self centered for that. 

-Fake, won't talk real problems, won't work them out, acts like everything is fine when it isn't, presents to the world as a "good man" when he emotionally destroyed his partner. 

-Doesnt ever take accountability. Even when he knows he did wrong, he'll never admit to it, you have to corner him or catch him in a lie and then he just blows up. 

-Yelled at me. Even one time was enough to turn me off forever. The things he said can't be taken back or forgiven now, they caused literal trauma for you. 

-Suckered up and kissed my mother's ass, making her an enabler and never truly on my side. Yet she was with an abusive man, I guess emotional abuse doesn't count for her. 

-You are now free to try dating whoever. Make sure they are a hypersexual, and poly. Everything else can be worked out but those two things are non-negotiable and a must. (If you even...ever find anyone like you.) 

-Mansplains. Thinks he knows everything and I guess thinks all women or former women are stupid or something. 

-Not very romantic, doesn't even conceptualize cute things for the partner. Perhaps your greatest sin besides damning my sex drive and how I show love, is forgetting how to be fun with me. Forgetting what brings smiles to my face, and not even bothering to bring them about near the end there. My happiness to you started to mean nothing, and that's perhaps one of the biggest sins. Shame on you, really, and your loss. I can be very fun and light hearted around the right people, my bad that I thought you were one of those. 

 

Cons: 

-Getting his dick, but remember how boring he is in sex. He doesn't dirty talk, doesn't do kinky, and has to "concentrate" just to fuck you when it should be effortless. Sure the dick feels good, but anyone's dick would feel good so long as they know how to use it. Hopefully transwoman cock 🥴 Also remember he's anti-touch and doesn't rub on your skin or anything during love making. Remember that even masturbation is better than him, and thank God you have a pretty good imagination. Fictional characters have much more personality and style when fucking you in your mind. 

Anyway I guess I better stop rambling and draw or something. I've actually been doing good in quitting the cigarettes and able to resist it's pull. And soon I'm going to go to that gay bar, ready or not, I'm lonely and need to meet new people and possibly try to fuck. My body and mind, and even heart, is screaming for affection, sex, and recognition, and even appreciation. I don't get any sort of praise or a "good job" or anything for taking my disabled and emotionally fucked up ass to a job, especially not for helping around the house it's just more worse treatment even when I do good, which is why I'm only paying some rent and some bills but other than that my money is mine, you guys have to treat me and talk to me a lot better than this for me to go out of my way for you anymore. 

And one more thing to my ex. The universe knows what you did, and saw what you did, and sees your thoughts. You will not be able to escape karma, and I whole heartedly believe the universe got me covered. I would be very scared to be you if I were you. But that's okay act like you never did anything wrong, act as innocent as you want cuz I and the universe knows it's an act, and you will pay for your treachery, one way or another. The universe doesn't reward evil people for long. You will get what's owed, with interest, sometime in your life. 

Chapter 86: Integration into a New Life

Yeah...this hasn't been the smoothest transition into a new male life, that's for sure. The dysphoria my entire life helped to lead me down a very dark path, one that I hope you and your kin don't experience. I know why now that I ended up drug addicted and sex addicted. I guess because of the dysphoria, I always wanted to see that naked male body in action, I wanted to see that penis be used so much because I could never truly have one, and I felt envious and loved them at the same time. I was a jealous hater, and a part of me still is even with transition now, and I just don't want or trust bottom surgery really. It's so hard to dump that old life, dump all of it, and start over. I'm now realizing just how mean and nasty I was at times, and it was usually due to the PCOS making me very moody. I've always been rejection sensitive, and I guess I needed male attention and validation so much also because my brain figured, well, if they like this body so much, then maybe I can keep it just to get guys to fuck me and for me to see that body working it's magic. But I also never thought I would get transition myself, ever, in my life...so I lived to die. I chased pleasure, in a few different forms, and got addicted to them. 😔 I didn't care enough about my finances, or what I really wanted to do with my life because I thought for sure I would be ending this nightmare rollercoaster they call life. But now that I have transition happening...and no relationship with anyone to possibly get in my way...well, I need to focus now on being a gentleman, and getting my life together. As horny as I am, and it is vexing, I'll just have to keep buying more sex toys maybe, I really can't fall into my old ways of chasing tail...whatever tail. So yeah, basically I have to be "Fuck bitches, get money" right now. THEN later I can actually fuck bitches :3 Hard to really spoil a chick when you have no money, and since being a clown is a sadly dead profession, well...it'll take a lot of hard work, but I want to get out of this town anyway. I need to go back to school in order to do what I want, and truth be told, I was a nerd in school. I always excelled in the sciences, especially biology. I want to do something in the marine biology field, as long as I'm swimming most of the time I'll be happy. I'm actually a very good swimmer, and I'm nearly as fast as a fish. I just know, I need to be able to get paid to do something I really love...being a janitor most of the time just isn't going to cut it. And I'm quite tired of people thinking that I don't want better for myself, of course I do...I just spent most of my life chasing the wrong things and taking the wrong directions. Me and him had a good talk I suppose and it's just very hard for me to drop all this rage and resentment, my heart was broken, and any kind of loss of love is painful for everyone. Everyone deals with pain in different ways, and the stages of grief come and go, and any one of them can pop up at any time, even when you think you're healed. Just because I was poly...doesn't mean I didn't love him. Of course I'm hurt, and hurt by my treatment that I felt I was treated as ordinary or worse, mediocre. I at least know how I want to treat a lady or a gay guy that becomes into me later on while I'm on this journey, but they cannot distract me from it or subtract from my fun at all. It has to be all additions from here on out baby. I might still go to the gay bar for a drag show or something one of these days, but now I don't have the intentions of hooking up. I can't fall back into old ways, as much as I have loved sex in my life...I have to focus now. I really have to get my life together. It's much harder than what people think to be trans and live a happy trans life. Now that I'm becoming male oh so slowly...there's so much I have to learn, and so much I have to do that I failed to do when younger. And I'm trying so hard to dump this hatred, guys, it just takes time. The wounds still hurt me now and then, and certain things can trigger it all to come back. And just because someone has a shitty job, you don't know the circumstances of why they need to keep it. Without it, I can't transition. Without it, I can't even get food, and I'd rather not go back to starving. But if it's one thing I've learned...if you give a man the power to feed you, you also give him the power to starve you, and I found that out the hard way. I wish I never centered men growing up, but my mother did, and taught me to. My path could have been so much different, and wouldn't have a hard restart on my life at 31, when it's half way over. So I gotta make this other half count, and be the man I visualized I'd be sometime as a kid. No more money struggles really keeping us down, and able to travel and do things. Able make my room the way I really want, which now, since I have to be so manly in most of my life, I want my surroundings to be soft, pink, and sparkly. Men should be able to have the soft things in life too, they need them, then maybe they wouldn't be so violent in so many things. 

Letting go of love and your entire past, is one of the hardest things to do. Of course I'm going to stumble and fall, but I can't let hate poison my heart so much. I know there are some good men out there, I know they exist, and now it is my duty to become one. It'll be hard work, but I believe I have the focus and willpower to do it now. I just hope I can get the funds really. No one really tells you how hard it is to move on...to not center seeking love and lust...to really try to get your shit together so that you can easily do those things later...and let's face it, poor folks just don't get invited to orgies, but perhaps scientists do and can afford them. Lol maybe someone will be into a smarty pants actually making money from it, if I can. I better be able to, cuz all these pointless jobs just can't be it for my whole life, and I'll never find my kinky lovers just doing shit like this. And it's hard to wait, I think I could handle a higher dosage of T already, I just hope it isn't pricier. I do apologize for some of my cis male hate though, I do, and deep down, I truly do know better and know some of those thoughts aren't true. Some anyway. But all I can do now is take all these traumatic things I've learned from the female life, and try my hardest to remember how hard their lives are, that they are conditioned into centering guys and not themselves, and so many things can contribute to their unhappiness, and I just have to try my hardest not to let it happen to the next ones. And try my best to be better than how I was in this relationship, I know my mistakes were many plentiful, but at least I've learned a lot, and especially wanna be the man others can really rely on. I won't fuck up that badly again, I at least know that. 😅

Someone once gave me a box of darkness. It took a while to realize that this, too, was a gift. 

Chapter 87: 3 Months on T / Slowing on Creativity

So not too much else has really been changing besides my voice, I can kinda feel it in my throat now getting deeper, and someone in my group told me to pull on the bottom growth, that doing that will help it grow. Lol Boy that sure feels funny. Also I saw my fuck buddy recently and got it sucked on :3 The guy that told me to pull on it also said I haven't "felt anything yet" cuz when it gets bigger he says it's even BETTER. I also think I do know what a boner feels like now, even if I just have a teeny tiny baby carrot, and yeah that's weird and pleasurable and uncomfortable at the same time. I guess it's no wonder why guys like BJs so much Lol I just wish I had someone who could consistently fuck me and I fuck them, especially with a strap on or something. Someone not an asshole and wouldn't downplay my needs like someone has, and tainted all that was pure and good about my heart. 

I hope you never get with someone who brings the worst out in you. I can't believe the ways I was driven into madness. Now that I'm not in the insanity anymore, now I have to shake away guilt of the reactionary abusive things I've done in return...but I have to remember, he MADE that monster, and that is not what you are now. You now know your worth, and will wait for the exact right people. People's whose cups run over, especially in the sexuality department. People who know and love the depths of lust and desire like you do. People who would never see you as a beast, but a beauty, a rare and magical unicorn to be admired...not tamed or worse, slaughtered. 

My love is a magical thing, to not care about someone's looks or their genitals, to hardly feel jealousy and to just want to be included, to be horny all the time and ready to go, to see their soul as if you are Anubis himself, able to weigh it. I've determined his is too heavy on my scale, and so, this unicorn must trot away from the dark poisonous danger. To want to control nature is the ultimate folly of man, and I am a thing of nature. I'm merely an animal in human skin, and believe myself no better than they are, and maybe that's why I can pretty much communicate with them like I'm Fluttershy or a Disney princess. This life is for the living. It's for loving. It's for the happy things, because one day you will go to sleep and you will not wake back up. I want to enjoy my time before the big sleep, and can't have it wasted, and right now, he's further wasting my time and life with having to run him around town cuz he let his car go up c: So now we're down to one car for 3 different schedules in a town that doesn't have real good bus routes. Always gotta care for the king babies don't we, never able to truly have leisure time to ourselves, they always gotta force a woman or trans person to drop everything for them. I was lucky enough to get my hair done and it's been overdue for months, it looks really cool now and has pastel pink and blue in it. I'll probably make a doodle of it sometime, at least give me a break from ponies and maybe do something traditional. 

So because of more added stress of having to be the errand boy around here and not even getting anything I want or need out of it, and not being loved while going through second puberty, I'm awfully exhausted. All the time. My muscles hurt, they cramp often, and my joints feel some strain on them from the new muscles being added. And I keep getting hot and sweaty and it even makes me kinda winded now. I needed more relaxation than this and am tired of being a stress case and a fucking doormat for everyone else. So if it really slows down on the art and story telling I am very sorry, these boneheads made my life harder again instead of easier, and it's hard to feel creative when under so much stress and pressure and having to work too. So hopefully they get another car for his dumb ass soon and so much shit won't be placed on my shoulders anymore, then maybe I can start to feel truly creative again but other than that, think I'm going to play Sims 4 for a while until things can calm down around here, I found an LGBT mod and had myself transition in game so that was awesome. And honestly maybe I need a break from the creative stuff for a while too, just because I'm going through a lot right now and having to keep doing for people who do fuck all for me. Hopefully soon enough I will be able to really get back into it, I just have to really take my time now and try to get as much chill time in as I can. Also I decided I'm going to do the name change and stuff first before trying to figure out this school stuff. I'd rather just get that over with. Anyway yeah, might have to be taking a break from the creative stuff for a while but hopefully not too long, and just all around annoyed with life right now. I'm annoyed. Things weren't supposed to waste my time and energy so much and I'm quite tired of them doing that. I can feel myself getting meaner about it and in a way, I'm glad. And I'm not normally the type of person who feels good about being mean, but when your kindness gets taken advantage of far too much eventually something turns in you. A unicorn has a horn for a reason. Eventually, you're like, well fuck kindness, my kindness has to be earned now. I don't give that shit away for nothing now. 

Chapter 88: Pains

Summary:

Just wanted to talk about what I've been feeling lately. Feeling lots of pain, both physically and emotionally.

Now I've reached the stage in transition where apparently growth is really starting to take off. And I can feel it too. God damn my body hurts...muscles keep getting real tense, even when trying to relax them. My clit is definitely growing and I think the tuggy wuggy action is helping, and the inside of the clit that we can't see is getting bigger and more sensitive too...um, I was using the dildo the other day and almost came from my clit with it just by itself, like they feel more connected so that was something...and it seems like I want to masturbate even more anymore, really starting to enjoy it when before I just, never really could and it would take so long, and edge for so long, but now I actually can't stop myself from cumming and I only last like 10 minutes. I still sometimes get emotional and lonely feeling, but that's normal when you're mind and heart has been destroyed. My back and shoulders feel fucking terrible and my body feels beat up most of the time now. I need a massage, and cuddles, from someone I can emotionally connect to so...I have determined that yeah, as much as I hate it...maybe I really am not meant for men. Yes I want your body and strength, but I really don't want much else. Even though my emotional range is shortening, I find I still cry sometimes at least. And I'm glad for it, I hope I never become this emotionally dead inside thing like a lot of you cishet men. You know there's a reason why "cishet" kinda sounds like "Shithead", and I'm finding out those reasons. You know if he truly wanted to break up with me for the poly thing it would have happened fucking years ago when we started talking about it, sorry I saw potential and trust in you but only got cowardice and malice instead. No, you see, he breaks up with me like right after I come out as trans. I see what this really is. You're a god damn homophobe, and a transphobe, and even a polyphobe. To treat someone different just because of things they can't choose that makes them happiest in this life, that's like, the fucking definition of being a damn phobe. It's to hate someone for something so petty and trivial, and cause harm to them for the things outside of their control. Did you really think if I could fucking help it, I wouldn't have chosen to be any of these fucking things? I WISH I could have been "normal" like you motherfuckers, but I'm just not. I shouldn't have had all love and lustful adventures from you stripped away just because my body was changing, and only slight things of my mind are even changing but for the better. Did you really think, that I would allow a man to move in with me...if he wasn't going to use his cock on me, as much as possible? Did you really think women want to put up with a mf man in their home, when they can make money now and have bank accounts now, and you not put out or even TRY to connect with them emotionally at the very least if you aren't going to do that? Jesus christ...so that's it, I kinda hope I never see another penis again besides maybe my fuck buddy's, and my own little bottom growth. I hope the next time I do see someone else's cock, that it belongs to a woman, or a flamboyant gay guy. I just...I tried guys. For the longest time. And you guys tend to use and take advantage. You think the bare minimum is fine to have a woman's life and dedication to you in return...well it's not fine, especially anymore. Women can make their own money now and own their own bank accounts and homes. They don't have to rely on you for anything now, so you might as well get talented in being romantic and using your cock and maybe gain some emotional comprehension...They can't do the bare minimum anymore, and I hope I never think that I can just get lazy and give the bare minimum either. No, I want love, attention, and sex, way too much to let things fizzle out and die like that. But most men, they simply don't value women...they'll play with you for a little, but once the next new shiny thing comes along, you're old news. It's funny, he wanted to talk about my loyalty and everything just because I was poly...but no one ever counts emotional neglect and just quitting on maintaining the relationship as cheating and disloyalty. It is cheating. You are cheating your partner out of a true relationship with you, and robbing them of their happiness with you. He showed his disloyalty first, and so I had to be more loyal to myself in return. I just simply wasn't getting it out of him, and I don't get it out of most men. I'd give, and give, and give, and wouldn't be poured back into the ways I needed. They'll give you everything you want but the actual thing you need, for some reason, and convince you so hard that you don't need it...when women are like, yeah, I can see you needing that, let me give it to you or find someone who can. I just know who to go for now, and I shouldn't even bother with men unless they are either transmen or clearly super into me somehow but I'm always going to have that mistrust and doubt there now. Yeah I realize I look a little gay, but make no mistake, I'm much for you women now more then ever before. I was catering to the wrong creatures...things too stunted by a life time of testosterone in them, and all the benefits of the patriarchy they so proudly reap. I'm glad I was born a woman, now. 

You know I thought of something. What if I got buff for a more hilarious reason? I think I should hit on the straight guys that are douches to women. Make them clench their assholes and run for the hills. Lol Since they fear the gay just so much. Pathetic really. How did the universe give you a pleasure organ in your ass and most of you don't do anything with it cuz that's GaAaAaAaAaAaAaY!?!? *eye roll* give me a fuckin' break. You know, if me being trans, poly, and pansexual is really a bother for anyone, I welcome the rejection then, because that's pushing things out of the way not meant for me. I'm clearly meant for some people so special, I can't even conceive them in my mind who they are or what they look like. I just hope...it doesn't take me too long to meet them, and that they are the ultimate healers. They have a lot of broken pieces to pick back up and put back together. A lot of stains to wash out that I can't get out myself. I hope they'll see a very broken transman, and at least have some pity on my soul. Even just a pity fuck would be nice. And I hope they don't judge me too harshly for being such a sexual beasty. It's practically all I think about now, and I'm always wondering when the beast is going to break out of it's cage and scare everyone away again. I wish they'd pet it...feed it, even. But they run away. They always run away. :( Don't want the icky hypersexual trans person to touch them or love on them. Don't wanna be labeled as a FAAAAAAAAAAAG or anything! Most women don't even have these stupid judgements and don't play these fucking stupid head games. I'd rather have communication and honesty, and some god damn feeling. 

So yeah sorry I'm just. I'm very salty. And horny. And don't wanna be around my damn ex anymore. So it's hard for me to have that creative momentum and I am pretty burnt out. I didn't mean to burn myself out already but I'm also just too annoyed with my living situation and I might just really need to be getting out of the house more and away from him, and to get stronger so I can make the straight guys feel like prey for once who deserve it. Haha, dare him to yell at me again once I get some muscle on me. Soon enough, you'll know the pure terror I once felt. >:) 

Chapter 89: Depression

I've been very depressed lately everyone. Probably more than I've ever been. It's such a depressing thing, watching the love fade from someone's eyes over years when they look at you, that you grew to love so much. My phone deleted everything I wrote since I can barely type how I feel around a certain emotionless, heartless jackass...but I just wanted to say, I really miss Sun and Moon, and I miss the person I used to be when I was naive and trying so hard to grasp what was left of my relationship. I'm sorry if...I really can't go back to that person. I've been too changed. I went through too much hell. I don't feel like the same person at all, in fact, I feel like a monster. I feel if he saw my heart now, he would recoil in disgust and fear. I'm ugly and rough now, a battle hardened warrior... I'm just so different then I used to be. And I'm just...so tired of men. Of cis straight men. They are so angry. SO angry...sure I get pretty pissed now a days but nothing like them. Is it any wonder why we're all choosing the mf bear? Those with vaginas have fucking had it with you. We're tired of the lies we get sold, we're tired of the anger, we're tired of that looming feeling of constant danger over your shoulders. I hope to God I never intimidate a woman or fucking yell at one. It just does so much more harm than it can ever do good...I'm scarred by my ex just yelling in my face when I was crying to just get some mf compassion out of him but...he hasn't had that for years. I just don't know why toss me away? Why throw all my love away? I'm poly, I needed MORE love not fucking less, not to be ignored constantly, even by my own mother, he even took my own mother from me! So taking all affection, all fun, all sex, all touch, all love from me but that wasn't enough either you had to win my mother over with just the fact you'll always probably make more money than I ever will. Congratulations, you gained her favor and it was so easy with just money. Well if a parent can be bought like that, they were never shit to start with and never deserved children. 

But anyway, I've been very busy and extremely depressed, I've even been suicidal again and just...nothing is the same. I want to go back to loving being creative and loving all that stuff but...my life just went to hell. It was always hell but it went to even more hell, just for me being trans and fucking poly. I'm going to try to get this nasal spray oxytocin since all love has vanished from my life, it should at least alleviate some things and hopefully I don't off myself, but I worry that I may never be able to escape them. I'll try to hang in there for a while longer but if I'm around them too much longer and I really can't escape and be on my own? Then I'm calling it quits. Cuz even having transition is not enough to be free. I have to be independent and without them. Then I can actually be happy and really have the kind of life I want to live. 

I also know why now the breakup truly, he couldn't handle having a sexy transman boyfriend that he couldn't own all sexual rights to. It bothered him so much the thought of anyone else pleasing me when it doesn't do that for me when if he would be pleasured instead. I think now he felt emasculated by being with me, that he just couldn't dominate me and get me to submit to him. I guess a damn woman even made a better man than you, even when I identified as one. Fucking yikes bro. Imagine having 12 years with one of the easiest partners you could have had if you were just way more sexual and interested than that, and you really fumble the ball over and over again? It spent a reaaaaal long time in your court bro, idk how you fucked this up so bad and fucked up someone's heart and soul so damn bad. Idk how a man can be so incompetent. Truthfully maybe he was so angry cuz he honestly needed a man to take care of HIM. He needs a lot of therapy, needs to drop the toxic masculinity bs, and needs to learn that displaying some emotion is kiiiiinda needed in this life. Well if me just being so romantic and sexual was truly too much, I honestly think you're a pussy dude. And I have no more patience and time for cowards. I need to focus anyway, and all love stuff is making me fucking sick. Songs on the radio, pics, all kinds of things even porn is pissing me off sometimes. 

So I guess I mean to say. I need a real mental health break. I need to not only decenter men, but decenter romantic love and that's so hard when I've wanted that so much in life. And now I have to just, pack away my largest desire? Really work on my damn self? That shits too hard on your own. Art and stuff is not doing well to distract anymore, and in a way, I sort of...want to fall off of the internet. I want to fade away. Everything good in my life has, and all I have now is my transition and so many traumatic memories. And a deep longing for my old passion, sun and moon, but I feel like I'll never be that person again. Idk when I'm coming back to the stuff but my life's gotten too shitty, I'm still grieving, all the fucking time, and I really gotta get in a better headspace and do all I can to never rely on another person's "help" again, never need their presence or money again, and certainly not a man's. 

Chapter 90: Increased T at 4 Months/Bigotry

Soooo we've just increased the dosage, apparently I was on the lowest dose and I'm glad to be ready for more. And now the higher dosage actually costs me a whole lot less, I think it is the one that the insurance actually does cover. And because its the gel pump, I can increase it again later on on my own without having to get a different prescription so that's very nice. But I am taking the increasing and what not slowly, I don't want too much of it to convert back to estrogen. Anyway I guess my arms are getting even bigger, shoulders rounder and more wide, and I just got a binder that fits nice from another transguy. And the bottom growth, hehehe, is very fun though sometimes kinda irritating. It'll have this weird twingy ache in it at times or suddenly itch, or get real hot feeling, but I know it's just growing if it feels strange and uncomfortable. I'm also going to get one of those clit pumps, even if it just helps a little bit, I'd like it as big as it can possibly get. Still just kinda...hanging in there. Work is making me very tired, and though my hands want to create, it's so hard to concentrate on that anymore. I'm trying hard to at least finish that next comic page that I was working on before I really take a break from most art and things. I also think I have that increased T brain fog again, my head is very empty again and my main emotions are just keep bouncing back between my grief, generally being mad at how he broke my heart and took me for granted, mad at the world that's in the cishets favor, very horny, or just all around lonely. This bad car situation is really starting to get to me, and he better figure out another car fast because I'm not going to wait too long on him to get another one before I move out and take it. He took all the things I ever loved from me, so I deserve to take my mom's car which she kinda gave to me since she can hardly drive it anymore. So he better get off his ass soon, show a little urgency here cuzzzz I'm going to get a few things straight first and then try to be out of here, and I don't give a damn if he's ready or not. That's on him, I've given him enough of my time and presence. So I'm genuinely sorry my whole little internet art and creative come back might just be up in flames, and who knows if I'll be able to really get back to it all sometime and really be into it again. I'm sorry real life hit me like a ton of bricks and I can't just be that nerdy little artist anymore. I'm incredibly jealous of so many other artists out there without my problems, and able to finish whole comic series undisturbed, and make much better quality things in a shorter amount of time than I could ever do. I really did intend to finish a fucking porn comic, I really did, but for some reason the drama is just too much in my life and always gets in the way of the things I want to create and do. And now I'm probably going to have to work even more soon, and go work out, so I won't have much time or energy for it all anymore. Reality sucks though, and I so desperately miss drawing Sun and Moon and their porn. I miss the old times, and wonder if anyone will actually miss me from that time, being gone and out there trying to navigate this life alone, as a transman. At least I've put them in my sims game, if anything, and have my own little Pizzaplex. I've been listening to metal again and all around all that dark gothy shit I used to love so much and now really can feel the lyrics. I'm so tired of their world and being in it, the cishets. Just where do I belong? How the fuck do I get there? Where will I be beloved and celebrated, and body worshipped? Where and when will I not be so invisible anymore? 


I also made a poem called Bigotry

Everyone is a fuckin' phobe

All around the god damn globe

They claim to know all about love

Yet always thinking they are above

Their judgy faces and judging eyes

Love living for nothing but lies

When can we call preferences bigotry?

Because you really have the audacity

To isolate a whole people based off genitals

Screw their nervous system, fuck up their vitals

I'm tired of the cishets - no, shitheads

You don't fill me with joy, only dread

And monogamy is always wrong

You think you can capture someone for so long

That it's realistic to love only you, forever

Try to possess me, and I'll be quick to sever

You only know submission and dominance

What happened to equality? More than just tolerance?

What happened to embracing the different and bold?

Do you always not question anything, do what you're told?

I'm tired of losers who don't like cuntboys

If you treated us better, we'd be your fuck toys

Men wear pussies better, and girls with a cock

They are for licking and sucking, not your shock

So bigots beware, I'm on a crusade

I'll end your little cishet tirades

More rights for others isn't less for you

Hope karma gives you all that is due

Chapter 91: 4 Months T/ What's been going on

So now I've hit my 4 month marker and already increased the dose. I'm noticing my little facial hairs now starting to come in, and YESSSSSSS apparently I will be getting facial hair :3 That makes me soooo excited. Also apparently I should have BEEN had a tdick pump and be using it, so I'll remedy that as soon as I can. I also worked out for the first time at a gym yesterday, and daaaaaamn are my muscles sore but feel swol. I dig it. I was obviously the most sissy boi in the entire gym and barely knew what I was doing, but I still feel like it worked. When I officially get a membership at one closer by then I'll take a pad and paper with me and jot down stuff. I also didn't know those bars for the bench press are individually 45 pounds :( They make it look so easy...it was a little discouraging and plus I was alone, but I just focused on what I can do for my body where it's at. I might have still overdone it a little, but that's how you get them gains baby, feel the burn! I'm a man damnit! 

So yeah sorry for like, disappearing, but I also kinda wanted to and just need to, even still. We finally got his car situation officially fixed and I don't have to be his mommy anymore when it comes to that and can finally get the shit I need to get on my own and get ready for it. Honestly I feel stupid for trying as hard as I was, that whole time, and still being attracted to him. There's a reason why women get turned off if THEY have to take care of a man instead of the vice versa. Because women aren't attracted to their own children and you've made yourself into their child. That makes so much sense to me. Women don't want a little boy they want a fucking MAN! And here I was really down bad for a little boy in an adult body. 

And THEN I made the stupid mistake of being too good of an actor at work. At least I'm not fired, but my little gay flirting with a security guard scared him to death apparently. Well at first it was just an innocent inquiry, why can't an adult ask another adult a sexual question? Then he said he was "SUPER straight" which to me means you're just a homophobe. He kept coming over to me and bothering me, being hyper and sort of aggressive, very obnoxious, so I started flirting with him on purpose to try to get him to go away. Well that didn't work, he still kept coming over to me and bothering me, but then apparently went to my boss and said I was "sexually harassing" him. Look here little stringbean. I never touched you, and you kept approaching me, and at first it was just a question. You also really look the part, and you kept pushing my buttons. I don't even know how you're a security guard in the first place, you won't be able to defend anyone, if anything, they will use you as a human shield. I really wish I didn't like short smol skinny guys so much, or men at all honestly. So with that, I'm definitely done with men (besides my fuck buddy), I just made a little mistake in my lonely horniness. I just wanted another person to fuck and get to know, but uhhhh, I don't wanna know homophobic assholes that's for sure, and you aren't worth my job stringbean. I'll leave you alone if you leave me alone, sounds like a good deal there. And apparently he's a little 20 year old, and already this homophobic and made a big deal out of something that I really thought we were just playing around, didn't know he was actually THAT scared of the big bad gayish transman at work. I wonder if he thinks all gays are the boogeyman or something, just out to get his little asshole. Lol But yeah I'm more into way manlier men than him, I just wanted some fun, and I thought he kinda did too, he was really giving me some mixed messages, I think he's a closet case but that's not something I want to deal with either. So since my acting really convinced him that I was into him, maybe I really should get into theater. When I'm on my own. I think that would be great to try to follow in Alan Rickman's footsteps. Also I love to sing (even if I don't think I'm that great others say I'm decent)...and I love musicals. I love plays. Maybe a piece of his soul fled into me when I was born somehow. So I need to be able to read sheet music again, and I think some acting and choir classes are in order eventually. 

Also I have been checking out fetlife sometimes...and they really do have sex parties you can go to there. As tempting as it is...I just can't do anything stupid right now, and have to focus. They also run BDSM classes and the like, so I'll more than likely be trying to go to those and meeting new and kinky people that way. Hopefully I learn a lot and learn how to tie people up right. So many fun plans once I'm out of here and away from toxicity. I might however when I move, need to get a better job than this, idk. But I'm also afraid of making too much and losing my health insurance, since it actually does cover this gel pump testosterone that I'm using. Once on my own I bet I will be pretty damn broke having to pay all the bills myself, but it's the price I'm willing to pay to truly be on my own now. So first, I have to acquire a credit card, put the new phone plan on it so I can finally build credit cuz apparently I have absolutely none. All I can do right now is get on waiting lists for some low income housing, and have to get my hands on a few things first, and a laptop. I don't have my own computer even so a laptop will do just fine. 

I still very much want to make art, but I think I'm going to start taking it in another direction mostly due to AI. I think I'm going to go back to being a traditional purist. Digital art and the styles for it can be copied too easily by AI. They have a real hard time copying paints and other traditional mediums. AI art is theft, and nothing will change my mind about it, and it's costing artists and storywriters everywhere their jobs. So I want to go back to traditional (maybe besides that comic I'm trying to make slowly), and maybe even realism. I'm getting a little bored of just making cartoons and kinda wanna push myself, and I had a cute idea involving turning mostly birds and lizards into wyverns and dragons. And if I do bring myself the will to draw Sun and Moon again, this time it'll just be biblical with the tentacle cock and pussy I kinda just miss that. Yes stylizing him is fun and all, but him just in his natural essence and way....ugh, top tier shit. Anyway don't be surprised if even those ponies for the story get a revamp in the little profiles I'm making for them. I haven't forgotten about the story, I just have a lot to focus on right now other than that and wish I didn't have to stop for a while, but I also just can't stand even being around my ex anymore and the computer is downstairs where he tends to be. Once I'm on my own though, I'm sure the creativity will come flowing back in like a tidal wave. 

See don't fuck with cismen, they ruin your crafts, your body, AND your brain! Jesus, just nothing is sacred to you guys huh? Absolutely nothing, and that's sad. So yeah no more even gay flirting to scare you guys, I just want nothing to do with cismen anymore. Unless a gay one is super into me and really lets me know, and even then I'm not going to be able to trust it. They'll have to really be patient with me, and they can't fuck up and make me feel like a reject like I have felt the last 12 years even being with someone. The moment I find out they aren't what I really need, I will bounce, I aint chasing shit anymore but my own dreams, and you absolutely cannot get in the way of those. And I guess it was so easy for me to speak to and be dirty with cis men because I really have no respect for them. It's sooo hard for me to talk to chicks Lol I get so nervous unless I know they are down with my dirtiness or a little fucked up themselves. Here you were given the better body out of both of us, just naturally, and you don't care to be as strong and sexy as possible and make sure you can even use your damn dick? Ugh, pathetic. The treatment I got as a female was abhorrent, I should have been everything a cishet man could have ever wanted besides my goals and dreams that were outside of the house and not being a baby factory for you guys. Women aren't your house slaves or baby factories anymore, get over it, they actually want fun in life and to lead it themselves. Well, I'll be sure to be the man my cis self always needed. Daddy's coming home for you babygirl, and you will never be hurt by men again...I promise. 

Chapter 92: Hypersexual Pride :)

Sooo at first I had a rough start to pride month but I just got done seeing my friend again and got fucked and sucked quite a lot. :3 Welp now I know what actually feels BETTER than sex! Oh my GOD, the tdick being sucked on and licked just.....ugh, top tier shit. Even if mine is still growing and pretty small it's definitely a lot bigger and more sensitive than last time. I even broke the old magic wand back out and gee willickers, that's so much better now too :D I think I actually like the sucking even more than penetration. It also felt super affirming to fuck his face. :P Well, that really helped me feel a million times better, and I needed that sex and affection more than he could really know. I'm glad we get to play with each other in more adult ways, and glad he let's me do those things to him. Lol Damn...I really REALLY love sucking cock. It's a shame so many cis men were jerks to me. I'm such a twink damnit hahaha but I enjoy it. 

Also ever notice how hypersexuals are avoided like the plague and made instant judgements about? A lot of you might not like it but some people really reallllllly love and just need sex, and there could be many reasons behind it. For me, my body just won't stop and it's on constant overdrive and the horniness is just even more now, and the fact I was so neglected as a child it drove me into many guys arms, of which they were the wrong ones. We actually do have a flag you know, it's just that many don't wave it because everyone automatically equates hypersexual to rapist. -.- I'll give people one little paragraph of information about me or how I feel and the fact that I am hypersexual, and they'll cuss me out and run away. Can we have a little more tolerance for my people? We are still people. We still have feelings. Just because you're weird about sex and physical affection doesn't mean everyone is. If I have to deal with asexuals being in this world, then you have to deal with the opposite. Here's a tip, don't date someone who's sex drive doesn't match yours as closely as possible. Just don't do it. So I can like...be platonic friends with asexuals but they have to be sex positive and can't make me feel like I'm a bad person for having needs. The only people I really get attacked by are asexuals and cis men (and now maybe some enbies off of a dumb little argument?). 

But I've kinda had it with like...the left attacking the left. Like you guys realize that's exactly what they want, right? They want us to destroy ourselves from the inside and laugh every time we are in-fighting. I may actually be a very binary trans person after all and do believe in it, so I really might just be a classic kinda transman even if I appear to be a pretty damn gay, and well.....love penis. Even as a girl it didn't feel right, like I really was a mostly gay guy inside a girl's body and it just was never right (I want to be more into girls though, I really do and it's slowly becoming more). I also find I actually can't wrap my head around SOME non-binary identities and kinda can't gel with them...once we get into the territory of like, anything goes, you don't need dysphoria to be trans kind of stuff, all these neo-pronouns then I kiiiiind of can't help but think you are making a mockery of trans, and harming more everyday trans people just trying to live. There's a reason I decided against clowncore aesthetic, it was because I was thinking about more people than just myself. Especially being in the south it's not so well understood down here and there's people who've never met a trans person or they've already been brainwashed by the right or their religion to hate us. How you present and the kinds of pronouns you use does matter in this crazy capitalist society. Please, whatever you do, don't go too crazy with it...they already think we're crazy. And I just do believe you really should have pretty severe dysphoria to be trans, I really do. There's these people that have no business being on hormones cuz there's no real point if you aren't trying to go all the way to the other side, and you can screw your body up pretty badly if you wanna fuck with hormones but not do it right. It's just from what I'm seeing a lot of these non-binary people need a therapist, genuinely. I'm sorry but we need to stay a little bit into reality here...you can't transition into a dog, or a ghost, or an alien, or a damn clown. Speaking of clowns, twitter culture has truly tainted all that is good in life, and now according to extremely more "woke" people than me, the classic American clown is now considered racist. :/ I say that is quiiiiiiiite a reach there when it's supposed to imitate drunk people but sure pop off dumbasses. Nothing's going to change my love for the classic clown, but please don't walk outside looking hella crazy and saying you're trans or non-binary, please. For soooo many of us, the ultimate goal IS passing and stealth. Sure, in a perfect world, we wouldn't have to do that, but for everyone's safety it's just best to and it's nice not to be focused on the trans thing day in and day out, no one even really knowing. They already hate us and want to take down our healthcare, they want to take transition away from you and if you're out there lookin' like a hot fuckin mess and saying shit like "flowerself" or "bugself" I'm sorry go to a therapist, we need to get you back into reality somehow. I have no real problem with the they/thems as long as they have no problem with me. I guess I would be called a "truscum" but call me what you like...I've suffered for 31 years of crippling dysphoria and PCOS. I went through that entire first terrible puberty and am an adult. Since it was so difficult for me and no one really helped or supported me, even if a lot of people in this community hate me, I still wanna fight for your right to hate me. The right wants to even take that away, make you hide again and not even able to cross dress at all. While I think you probably shouldn't look like a hot mess of man and woman and should probably try to pick one, I honestly can't care about more people than myself right now and I realize everyone else's body chemistry and reality is different from mine, you guys do what you want just keep in mind you may be representing trans people as a whole to some people and that can really make a shitty snowball affect, make it harder for us to be employed. And the more we fight against each other, the more they will be able to pass laws to hurt trans youth and that's just something I never want to come about and it's already sadly coming about. Just stop making trans people as a whole look bad, okay? We need to be at the top of our game and get involved in these politics and be for each other even if we can't truly understand each other. Sometimes you don't have to understand something to accept that it exists, and I wish everyone would leave it at that and it's something I try to remind myself too. 

So I guess I just wanna say fuck all who oppose me, I still get my fuckin dick sucked and I still have so much fun with my naughty friend -owo- He told me he still just sees "me", like my soul or essence. And yeah, that doesn't change, just the body does. :3 He's such a good boy and friend. 

Anyway I need some sleep so, Happy Pride, even if I'm kind of wary of this community honestly. 

Chapter 93: Dumb new sketch :)

Meet the Artist by xOutoftheShadows13x on DeviantArt
Meet the Artist by xOutoftheShadows13x -- Fur Affinity [dot] net
Meet the Artist by xOutoftheShadows13x < Submission | Inkbunny, the Furry Art Community

Yeah just a lil cringe aaa aaa drawing. Sorry if you expected anything better or more serious, I still don't have the energy or time really. And might even need to look for a better job than this. I just needed a lil pick-me-up about myself and saw a little trend thing I kinda liked. I'm not even going to bother embedding pics into this website, it just doesn't work properly so I'm sorry you'll have to click the links to see it, and sign on as a guest if you don't have an account. I don't really think it's worth all that and was just something silly but it's here. I know people are probably disappointed, but I had fun making it and that's all that really matters to me, and I want to expand my horizons anyway. 

Oh and someone from the group gave me an old laptop of theirs and it's very nice, light weight even. Thanks so much, you ensured more of my emotional safety and this will help to have being on my own and more independent. 

Chapter 94: 5 Months on T / Struggling

So it's about to be 5 months on T in a few days. I wish I could say I was in a better mood when writing this, but I'm awfully lonely and just hating life here. I did my first face shave today though and was quite surprised at how hard it was. That hair was very prickly and hard to shave, but I only did it cuz it's pretty patchy right now. Apparently it doesn't matter if I shave it or not, the patchiness will stop eventually. But having PCOS and and being on T I know it'll come back very quickly, in a matter of days, so there really is no point other than to not look too homely while it's all patchy Lol I just had yet another period and it was actually kinda heavy this time. Oh please just go away, just start stopping damn! And so I haven't really worked out in a while and feeling like a limp noodle. Just haven't had the time, energy, nor motivation, and am getting pretty depressed again. I'm tired, I'm angsty, my muscles hurt, I'm horny and lonely, and yet too scared and traumatized to really put myself out there again. I did join FetLife but...it's still only men being into me :/ and I just don't trust that right now. Your dicks are lovely, yes but...also dirty, you tend not to get tested often, and you can hurt me with it again. I can't have my asshole hurt again, and cant risk pregnancy you guys tend to be liars. It took so long to recover from that, and it should have turned me off of penis forever, but somehow didn't. I just can't trust you cis males with that thing, I'm sorry. I'm too wounded, and too damaged from the cis female life that I'm too deeply hurt. I shouldn't have joined FetLife, I'm not really ready, and have so much to focus on, and I'm much too afraid of men. I'm afraid of you. Is that what you wanted to hear? I'm sure it is, after all, one guy admitted that he loved when women would speed up when he was behind them, and if that were me, I'd be fucking mortified to make a woman feel scared, and know that feeling already. We are just not the same. I know I am not your ideal prey anymore, and really never want to be preyed upon again, and I'm quite glad I've pretty much divorced myself from the patriarchy's cold hard grasp, and don't do my looks for you anymore. I wear what goofy dumb, fruity shit I want to now, and no longer have to appeal to you just to have food and shelter. I hope to never let a woman just, have too much faith in me like that just to let her down. That's also why as lonely and pining away my heart is for love, I just know, for me, it can't exist right now, and that makes me very sad. I want to love again, I really do. I never felt more alive. It gave me a reason to live, and anymore, I'm starting to think even just getting transition and having weed really isn't enough reasons. At least I have two-three good friends I know I need to stay alive for, or their efforts will be in vain, and my demise might even make them give up hope as well. It would devastate more lives if they themselves quit theirs, all because of me always being a failure.

Oh and I guess the voice cracking thing has started too. My pitch keeps going all wonky outside of my control sometimes, it's a very odd thing, and sometimes my throat is just killing me. I think it's happening, but it's slow and very weird. My bottom growth is getting bigger, and I just got the pump today and it should have several different sizes, and got more lube. If I don't do this correctly and start out with only a little time and not ultra lubed up, I could hurt myself and I don't wanna bust my little buddy, I just want him to get bigger. 

I also think it's bullshit paying 200 every two weeks for my imprisonment, when I'm not even on the lease in the first place. I'm not even having a good time. I shouldn't be paying shit for this kind of treatment, all the heartbreak, and disappointment. Both my mother and my ex just couldn't fully embrace my queer, trans, poly, hypersexual self, and it will cost them my presence in the end. My presence and participation comes with a price. I need to feel loved and wanted, safe, emotionally safe and able to be soft, vulnerable, or even incredibly angry or allowed to cry, and for it to go understood and comforted. And if you cant give me those things, I don't want any part in it. They've both been doing plenty of enough taking from me and my energy, but would find never enough giving. Only giving the very bare minimum and calling that their all, while I was actually giving my all and then some. I hope they both hurt when I'm gone. I finally did find the real section 8 stuff and I know they usually have a long waiting list, but I will take any help I can get for my own place on this shitty budget. I'm actually afraid to get a better paying job than this because I know it'll get rid of my insurance if I increase it, and who knows how much a company's insurance would take from the paycheck. So I feel kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place, and could very well lose in November if they just decide I don't need it anymore, and I tried to explain on the phone I'm on testosterone and trying to transition and better my life and my health but I'm not in a good living situation right now and might need to get a higher paying job than this but I'm worried about ruining this insurance, I explained that I really, really need it to continue. Anyway I'm just sad, tired, lonely, bored, and just wished for so much better out of life. I'm also still creatively just kinda burnt out. I'm sorry guys, I'm just going through so much and puberty is kicking my ass and I'm just. Kinda fuckin miserable, even while being happy about all my changes. 

Chapter 95: Clown Town Flower Crown Commission

Summary:

Yeah I got a little art paid for me, it's by AngelLightYT on DA. Love it, fantastic :) Will definitely be using.

Clown Town Flower Crown Commission by AngelLightYT by xOutoftheShadows13x < Submission | Inkbunny, the Furry Art Community

Clown Town Flower Crown Commission By AngelLightYT by xOutoftheShadows13x -- Fur Affinity [dot] net

Clown Town Flower Crown Commission By AngelLightYT by xOutoftheShadows13x on DeviantArt

Chapter 96: Hateful Bitch

Yup, that's what he called me folks. In an argument. So now it's time to put my nose to the grindstone and really get on out of here. Once they start calling you that word, the violence follows. No more playing around for me, I'm out of here ASAP, I don't play around with a cis male calling me a derogatory female slur. All I did was call him out on his hypocrisy and false promises and he couldn't handle it. So I'm staying the night at a friend's house right now just chilling until all this calms down. I even argued with my mom and got a lot of shit off my chest like "you are the weakest "mother" ever and I could never rely on you to really have my back, and you allowed me to be abused for fuckin money, and I wish you would have done the right thing and aborted me" In what universe does that ever make you a good parent? Other single moms busted their tails for their kids and even put themselves through school to do better, but here I was hopping around from couch to couch when I had school work to do. I could never rely on her for anything and he got me so riled up in the texts I was sure we were going to fight. And when he does put his hands on me cuz he's an unhinged sociopathic man baby, I'll be sure to put him away for a real long time and then HE can know what it's like to be dominated by a male tyrant. But I can't live like this. Under abuse and neglect. Fuck you both entirely I'm done. I'm getting out ASAP and really going to go looking now. You ain't going to call me a hateful bitch, when you hate yourself and hate me, and hate all women, and even hate trans people, you hate poly people, and hate hypersexuals, you hate existence and the whole world! You're the biggest hater of them all!

And I'd like to remind you, you were the one that made me this way. You were the one that made me this "hateful bitch" remember that. In my country of former female, you don't call anyone with a vagina a fucking bitch, you hear me? Those are fighting words. So do it. Prove to the world just how much you hate women and hate your own masculinity, and hate the one person who loved you so much I stayed in dysphoria for you. So do it. Hit me. You never know how to apologize or de-escalate anything anyway, so fucking do it, you cowardice king baby, like most of your kind!

I'm so glad I never gave you children. You'd have been the most useless father ever, hell, you were the most useless boyfriend ever and really wasted my fucking time and life. You ruined my god damn life, just letting you in it when you were supposed to SAVE IT!!! My mind will never be the same nor my heart, and we're about two seconds from fuckin scrapping. You disrespectful, awful, horrible, fucking monster. But you go ahead and keep being fake with the world, don't let them see how you text me and how you treat others behind closed doors, with no love and empathy. Nothing there in your chest. Fuck you to the moon Louis. Burn in hell.

This also proves you are a misogynist and a fucking transphobe. You don't think of me as a real man, and probably think everyone with a vagina is lesser than you. How fucking PROUD your single mother in heaven must be, to see her son turn into nothing but a narcissistic, unfeeling, douche-bag incel. Well put your hands on me and you can find out just how lesser of a person I am. 

Chapter 97: The Spirit of Spite

So now I'm thinking about some double meanings behind things he's screamed in my face in the recent past. "I am not a robot!" (When it came to sex) Could have fooled me though, since you don't act alive or have emotions otherwise. But I also think that was a dig at my love for the Daycare Attendant, because he admitted to me before that he was jealous of my love for him. Well that's fucking pathetic, considering my versions of Sun and Moon aren't really fucking canon, and you essentially lost the love battle with my own imagination. You lost against my own mind, and always did have such a loser attitude about everything I loved. But every day that you feed me with hate, I grow stronger. I embody the Spirit of Spite, and I have worshipped The Adversary quite a few times in my life. I am a Scorpio, the patron God is Hades...do you think we're really afraid of anything, including death? If it's one thing I'm going to live and do things for, it's spite. If something I love pisses you off that much, then I invite you to die mad. 

Hey just so you know...even canon Daycare Attendant would be a much better boyfriend than you ever were, without genitals and all. How did you get jealous of my own projections of my desires that I wanted done for me? That's hilarious and wow, much more of a fucking clown than I could ever be Jesus Christ, someone get the circus up and running again I found their best clown! That's why I called him a fucking idiot in that argument, cuz you act like and talk to an ex lover like an idiot would. And idiot in no way equates to calling an oppressed vagina having person a fuckin bitch. Just so you know these two things don't equate, you moron. 

If you think people in this world are stupid and ignorant, I promise, it's 10 times fucking worse than what you are thinking and that's the reality. Hell, I thought some of these coworkers were cool with me but apparently are misgendering me on purpose behind my back and even calling me an "it". :) You know you've won as a trans person when this shit starts happening and everyone just views you as a fuckin' freak. Well hate on bitches, it powers me, and makes this scorpion's armor harder and stings hit harder. I invite all phobes and my ex, to fuck around and find out. I will laugh maniacally as I burn all bridges to the ground, with me even on them, and don't think I won't. 

I am still on hiatus, I just wanted to say how fucking funny and stupid people are, particularly cis men and brain-washed conservative pick me women. Go watch Barbie honey, you need to be freed from your chains and open your eyes a little. But you conservative men are going to die out, you get no bitches anymore, and good luck keeping them in the dark, you won't be able to. :) 

So anyway now I'm going to draw the Daycare Attendant again even more soon, out of spite. For me, and for Satan. :) The spirit of spite and rebellion is strong in this one, and I don't take no bullshit. If something isn't broke, don't fix it right? So the style will be the one I love most and very cartoony still. Must have me mistaken for a doormat, I'm sorry honeys, that's just not what I am and have tried that for so long. I'm a beast that if you poke, you WILL get the claws and the teeth. Still trying to get more independent and out of here, but now be prepared to see even more DCA since my love for him pisses someone off so much, now I practically have to :D 

 

Chapter 98: Bigot Party/Helluva Boss/6 Months T

4th of July we went to a party of my mom's old friends from a job she worked. Welllllllll needless to say, we went for nothing but ridicule. My mom made food for it and everything, only to get there, no one really talking to me or her, and giving me dirty looks. So when I'm not around they were saying things to my mother like "Why didn't you stop her?" (when it comes to my transition) So yeah, she's not their friend anymore and we left. When I was there too I was denied smoking with people and he lied to my face that he just didn't have enough while sharing with multiple people. So I catch him going off to smoke again with an added person to the bunch. No, I know what this is. You don't want trannies at your party. I was able to chat with a lesbian couple though and the one was actually the daughter of the people that throw this party, and she said she hates these parties and her dad doesn't care but her mom doesn't really approve. Loooooorddddd. Why do I run into bigots everywhere I go here? :( I just wanted to have a good time at the party and it's like my body can't feel alcohol anymore or something, that stuff should have gotten me pretty tipsy and it didn't. You really couldn't spare me a couple hits and just be nice to me? It was fucking lame and they were being transphobic so we left and at least my ex was gone for a lil while, most peaceful time ever, he should do that more. 

But anyway I should have known what he is. Always watch the company they keep and the kinds of stuff they listen to podcast wise, don't try to brush it off like I did, that is a waving red flag and don't you dare miss it. They really are the company they keep. A long time ago when I didn't know what a red piller or incel really was, he said one of his friends was a "red piller" well, come to find out pretty much all of his friends are. What these people really want isn't a bond with a woman, they hate the feminine too much...no no nooooo, their soul mate, is a red piller cis man. They only have an attraction to women but can't truly connect with anything softer or more feminine, and at all costs and even to their own detriment, won't just get with a man just like them. Please leave women out of your lives, and queer people, and trans people, if you are going to think of them as lesser, just please. It didn't work out with me because his soul mate is a cis man. 

Anyway I watched the last 2 episodes of Helluva Boss and maaaaan those were some very hard watches because it also reflected in some ways the break up I went through. And like Stolas said, if he's here a prisoner, what kind of monster does that make me? And I guess that just strang a chord with me because I don't want to have to force anyone to love me or do right by me anymore. I want them to already be so connected to me and would never do anything to sever the connection or make me feel bad in any way. I want them to love me for the real me, transition, being poly, and all. And any relationship born out of survival or obligation, is doomed to fail. Because once you don't really need it for your survival anymore, you'll see how it was doomed for failure and that it wasn't true love. Blitz could never have the power and privilege Stolas has, just like I could never have the power and privilege my ex had. I would always have it harder to get a leg up in this world, yet I was given no mercy and comfort when I needed it most. I can relate to both of them in these last two episodes and I'm kind of glad this all happened, it needed to happen. Their relationship was wrong from the start, just like mine was. I'm honestly hoping they don't get back together, and Blitz just lets him move on. And in a way, it's good to free someone from all duty to you when they obviously weren't enjoying it anymore. So I don't force anyone to stay anymore. You wanna go, then go. I know eventually I will get the kind of romantic love I deserve to have, and hopefully with women more than anything. The job I have is turning me off of men even more since they purposefully destroy the bathrooms. 

Anyway, I guess more changes I'm getting. Voice is getting a bit deeper but still doing that cracking thing. I didn't think the process of that was so long. Feet are getting wider and hands look just a bit manlier. I got me some new shoes and some flip flops for the summer time. Damn man, summer time will never truly be enjoyable again and that really blows. But people insist on breeding and no one is really doing anything to try and cut down on pollution and it's just terrible. I hope I can eventually get back into school because I actually do know what I want to do now, is be an Environmental Engineer, but sadly I might have to work myself even more at this shitty job cuz honestly the job and housing market is so bad right now. I did finally get on Section 8 so hopefully they can help me find something cheap and doable for myself. Facial hair is coming back already and that's nice. I haven't really been able to go to the gym and barely have the energy for working out for now, but I try to do little things in the house for it, at least push ups and crunches and a few other exercises, but I don't think I can really get fit any time soon, I have too much on my plate. I find I get very agitated very easily now and hate when people do dumb ass things around me or make bad decisions, so maybe it's best that I do keep to myself even if I'm very lonely. I do get hit on by older guys on Fetlife but like...I just don't feel like pursuing anyone or anything right now, even if I still cry from being alone and that my life is changing so quickly before my eyes. It seems no matter what I'm just not allowed to sit and process all of this, even still having to serve my mother when I need to be getting my life together. Oh and the tdick is getting bigger ever so slightly, and the other day I was so hard when masturbating it actually kinda hurt. It kinda ached I was so hard, so I can only imagine maybe it hurts some cis guys to get a stiffy sometimes? Yeesh. And maybe cuz its growing too, the other day I kinda had to walk funny for a minute cuz it got super sensitive and uncomfortable all the sudden for a few minutes. I don't have much else to report really. Just still hot flashes, hunger, getting mad kinda easy, getting pimply and body acne sometimes, back and shoulders still hurting at times. 

Oh I wanted to say I downloaded the program I need for writing, so I could get back to the story sometime soon. I haven't forgotten, just been so tired from working my ass off and having to do fucking errands otherwise. I'm also working on a DCA pic I've been wanting to make for some time now and it's nothing amazing or anything its just a fun little thing and reference for me. I changed his genitals so they are the tentacle dick again but it's also in a way I never did before and kinda makes sense, I like it. So that's coming soon and probably going to get back to the story soon, my sims game fucking broke once again sooooooo I can't even play it now. I'm going to wait on another update and see if that fixes anything but it probably won't. And if it stays broken like that I might try to get my money back from EA for the packs I did pay for and uninstall. They need to learn this shit is not okay, and it really pales in comparison to the old ones. I'm trying to get a micro SD card for my switch and going to get more switch games instead. I do feel like I need some kind of game to play, I can't just stay bored and alone in my room. I can only want to draw and write so much anymore. Most times, I simply don't have the energy or time. I also want to work on a changeling porn pic too because I thought of a new way for them to breed since I have an oviposition kink so hard lmao Even want to get some eggs for myself to play with :3 Anyway I guess expect some art and story stuff soon, I feel like I need those things back for my sanity. 

Chapter 99: Heart Still Hurts

Well, what can I say folks, honestly? I don't know how quick I can get back to feeling creative because...it was all tied to how much love I feel and am giving and receiving. Now that I can only get the bare basics from a friend...my belief in love is crushed. My heart still very much hurts, and it hurts to look upon the face I used to love so much, that now, discarded me and all my efforts like they were nothing. Discarded me in favor of...tradition. Family life. A child. Fucking asinine and ridiculous. The love I had is worth so much more than those things. I am worth more than those things. I feel like both forgiving and forgetting what so many men did to me when I was female, is impossible at this point. I know how they view women, how they treat them, and I was one. I'll set the example they should follow, and I don't care if it gets me called a cuck or a simp. I'm sorry that I'm so comfortable in my masculinity and sexuality, that I don't feel lesser or subordinate to another man who pleases my woman. Life is so shitty for women, and especially when they have reproductive issues that not only modern medicine still doesn't really understand, but then they have to deal with the merciless rule of men, and to be used as a status symbol. Having a woman boosts your status among other men in this little hierarchy game they play with each other. Well, I don't see women as mere tools. They are human beings, with passions and souls and needs. I just notice now more than ever, how love never existed here. How I was groomed into accepting bad behavior and low motivation. How time and time again, I let things slide that I knew I shouldn't have. And I let them slide because I loved you. I fucking loved you, you stupid motherfucker. At first I didn't, but maybe I got stockholm syndrome and started to love my captor. I was simply love bombed, and I can't afford to fall into that kind of shit ever again...cuz once they get comfortable, the mask fully comes off, you start to see the real them after a while but they always just put their best foot forward in the beginning, with no intentions on keeping that energy. Thinking I would ever settle down and want less, is truly a foolish thought indeed. So if you have that energy starting out, you better be able to keep it. Not that I even want men anymore. Maybe the T is working more, and I'm getting less attracted to guys and more attracted to girls. But it could also be all the trauma I have surrounding men. Now when I see rippling muscles and stuff while they are nice to look at, I find I'm not getting so much horny thoughts and happy feelings as I used to, but now I get them when I see women. Now I really notice those curves and softness, and pretty, pretty faces. (Reminder to self to learn how to sing all of Pretty Women that Alan Rickman's character sings in Sweeney Todd) 

I'm sorry on pretty much stopping on creativity. It all kinda just...died. My life is devoid of love and most fun, and that really affects my will to draw and think of stories. I do have the ideas, but I just can't seem to execute them. It's complicated because I really fucking hate him now, but my heart still also has love, somehow, someway, and keeps screaming at me to just try again, try harder, just something. But I can't. I have to remember, he threw me away, he doesn't think about me or the impact of all of this on my life, and doesn't care. He wants that newer, dumber model that will birth his fucking kids. 

And I cant help but think back to all the signs of how he hated anything and everything feminine. Every time I would try to pull him into my worlds to try to connect more, my things would get made fun of. He claims all those were just jokes, but they were very hurtful to me because I was trying to have more of a connection and bond with you over something I love but then you go and mock it, but expect me to be fine with countless seasons of anime...but you can't genuinely enjoy MLP, or any horror stuff I like, and got jealous of the fucking Daycare Attendant. Even was jealous of Snape when I was so into him. I just don't get it...if you want someone to love you, you definitely have to be way more loving and supportive than that. I'd just find time and time again, I couldn't get him into my worlds...softer worlds. And I can't get most dudes into the things I like. My ultra romantic self has always been too good for them, and wasted on them. I'm sure a woman needs it more, and I want to play with vagina now more than ever, but I'm hyper aware of how men can come off as creepy so I'm honestly afraid to come off that way and flirt with girls. I don't care if I creep men out, they fuckin deserve it, but I don't like to scare anyone lower on the totem pole of patriarchy, and was there myself. 

Also since I'm transitioning more and more, I'm getting even more shitty things done to me at work by two employees in particular. So fuck it, I know nothing will ever be done about it, so I'm going to look for something else, which is also going to take up a lot of my time and energy. But I can't tolerate bigotry, doing underhanded shady things to make my job harder, and negligent management who could give a fuck about anything. 

So yeah, I don't get loved at home, I don't get appreciated at work, and I gotta drive an hour out to get those things just so I can continue living and not off myself. My trans group is kind of more a christian group and so I can't really keep vibing with that, and I'm pretty much alone. I feel so alone, it's so scary. And idk what I'm going to do when I am on my own and got all these bills to pay myself. Just goes to show...you can give a man everything, and he'll put you through everything. You can do your absolute best, and they'll resent you for it anyway. You can drum up solutions to try to save the relationship, and they won't take any of them. Men are too confusing, and it's like they really don't value you as a person. Even if you do give them kids, they'll fuckin leave you anyway. I think he'll find the dad life isn't as wonderful as he thinks, and then try to contact me years later boo-hooing about his mistake. Well too fuckin' bad, I don't go backwards. That man needs a therapist more than any kind of relationship with anyone. He let his insecurities really drive this shit into the ground. I really don't think I was a bad lover, but I do think he was one. Real bad. If that's what love is to him, he really needs to go to therapy and figure out that it's not. None of those things are love. And now I can see his love of money, love of status, love of normality would always come before the love of me, and that's pretty damn sad. 

I did want to talk about some sexual changes being 6 months on T. Um, I can't really vaginally cum anymore, nor do I really care that I can only get one out and it pretty much just goes numb. Hard to get multiple's out now. Most of the feeling is directed to the clit now, and it is getting nice and big and thick. Mine is still very small tho, but it is growing and I can tell, it's even easier to jack off right when I wake up. Sadly I keep having dreams of my ex, and I need them to stop. I need him to stop taking residence up in my mind and heart, since I'm not in his, and probably never actually was. He liked the idea of having a girlfriend, and that was it. I do have a little ftm stroker toy on the way though, I hope it gets here soon. I haven't really been able to do much working out, I'm too stressed and too depressed, so I pretty much did lose most of the muscle I gained, but I can do real push ups now so I guess it hasn't all gone away. I hope my friend won't feel discouraged if my inner vag refuses to cum, it's pretty much dying. And I don't really care that it's dying, I love my little tdick. *Future edit upon further information: It's not actually dying (yet?), I think it just prefers other people doing things to it or using their appendages in it. I never really liked masturbating, and there's just something about being touched and loved on by a real human that makes it cum like crazy. Came from it so many times, no problems with the help of my best fuckbuddy. :)

But yeah...heart still hurts, head's still spinning, and my life changed too much too quickly. It's too hard to process and adjust to, and I'm just sorry it's taking me forever to get out any creative things now. Without love, I find it so hard to be comfortable enough to create, so all I've been doing is Ark Fjordur and Dauntless. I also finished The Boys and about to with this season of House of the Dragon. I hope if someone or some girls are into me later, that they find some kind of enjoyment out of the things I love. It seems all the guys I've dated before, just forced me into their stuff without the want to get to know mine. How cool would it be if I could roleplay the DCA and them love it, and be turned on by it? Uuuggghhh I would finally die of happiness. I just wish I wasn't so lonely and actually had good friends around me. I can't call these people friends, hell, they haven't even gotten me out of this situation or really helped...I can't call that a friend who is near me, knows what I'm going through, and doesn't offer to help in any kind of way. I'm just sadly, very miserable, and it's hard to dump 12 years of trying to love someone, when they so easily and carelessly did it to you. I hope you guys can understand if it takes me a very long time to get back into story writing and most art. I'm just sorry, my heart's so heavy that its over encumbered and can't move. 

Chapter 100: Going Goth (Again)

Yeaaaah so for once not ranting on a broken ass heart but maybe it all helps give me more fuel to go dark mode. I've decided the darkness calls to me too much, and now I understand it now more than ever, and feel these lyrics more than ever...guess I'm tired of the fairy boy aesthetic already. Once you go goth, you never truly go back. Lol You can hide it away all you want, but the black and dark hues and hardcore clothing and piercings and tattoos will always call to you. I'm an angsty teen all over again anyway, why shouldn't I go goth? And my life fucking sucks. Almost everything about it fucking sucks anymore, so who cares if I find comfort in black and chains? I would love to express my deep sadness much better instead of having to hide it. Yeah I'm a sad sack of shit, so what? I weep for this world and what it's become. And you know, since I am still very down with the clown, tragic clowns exist too and I just better face it. That's what I am. So will try to do that aesthetic sometimes when I'm off work. Goth+tragedy clown is probably just my soul by now. I am possibly the biggest fool on the planet for believing in love for so long, my whole life. It truly made me do the most stupid things, act so out of character. Plus I just have a fondness for those things, those dark gothic-y things. Always did. When I was a child I'd look at goth people and my eyes would sparkle while my mom would make fun of them. If she hates it, good. And if most people hate it, fucking good, leave me alone. Oh how the electric guitars fucking shred and scream, oh how the drums hype me up so! Oh how the lyrics just grab my heart so tightly by my invisible balls and really speak to me. I love metal, and symphonic metal, and opera, and orchestra, aaaaaaaaaaaa it's all too great! I can't deny my goth ass!!!! Daddy Satan's little minion is back home >:) Haaaaaahhh!!! \m/ *sticking tongue out all crazy* >:P 

And honestly, I wish I could say I had the energy to look for another job. And we all had a work meeting so...we'll see if their attitude improves about me, and even the boss corrected them. You will always refer to me as a fucking he. In and out of my presence, I don't care if you don't believe in my fucking existence but I am here and I am working and you are going to respect that I am a human being, and am transitioning to male. I'm a fuckin sir and that's all you need to know about it. You keep your god damn God shit at home, and I keep my life at home but sorry that I was just trying to make some friends and share my pain, sorry for that dickwads, I'll know never to do that again and still take my distance away from y'all assholes. And I will be goth at work too idgaf. I scrub shit, piss, blood, puke, lift heavy trash, walk miles in a mall in a day, and have to watch all my peers fall into so blindly into the systems and rigged game at play. I should be able to be a goth trans janitor. Lol I have to be in the very bowels of capitalism, expunging the filth my fellow humans leave behind. At least, so far. At least I have freedom in this job and I don't have to answer to customers soooo I kinda need that, I need to be alone. Me and other people just tends not to work out for some reason, so maybe if I look goth too others will leave me alone besides other goths. I think that would be great. I need those who know the pain of this life and wear it proudly. But if I get a new job, it needs to be something I actually want. Something to do with the environment would be nice. I wouldn't mind cleaning up trash outdoors more than doing this...after stupid ass, disgusting ass people. Oh yeah and some people do this shit on purpose too. We janitors get no love and no respect, it is a very thankless job I gotta say. I hate cleaning up after humans but would much rather do it for nature and for the animals. I hate us. There was a reason I made Calypso a human killer at the very end (in those side things I believe). Fuck most humans, we suck. 

So I wanna resend something I said a while ago. Fuck what these people think, look how you want to booboo cuz I'll let you in on a little secret. If you are trans or non-binary, they will ALWAYS hate you, no matter what you look like, the things you do, the people you love, your passions, none of that shit matters because they are obsessed with upholding gender norms, their religion, and the patriarchy at all fucking costs. So do what you want. Look how you truly want. Fuck them and their standards, for you to be able to reach their bar which is actually very fucking low, would destroy the wonderful, crazy, different soul you are. Maybe all this goth stuff just always spoke to me and has meaning to me. Maybe also cuz most Scorpios tend to gravitate towards that stuff, they are the sign of life(sex) and death after all. Fuck the haters, be as weird as you want. 

So I think a change in hair dye is in order, wearing some good eye liner, get me some black dip powders for my nails like I used to do, since I do have a very weak fucked up one that never healed and that will protect it too. I'm in my villain era anyway, I just don't think the bright colors suit me anymore. I'll go with a darker blue and darkish purple, I think those would be nice and reminisent of the night sky. Hopefully one day I can get this tattoo idea (Lilith and Kali-Ma about to fuck, making out, and holding severed dicks, standing on top of dead men's bodies, I'd probably have it on my back) Idk who would do that though and make it really good and high quality but also I don't know if I could stand the pain of one. They say it's like repeatedly being stung by bees and that shit is pretty painful. Or ever really get the cost when I need to save for not only my name change but top surgery. Maybe one day if I still wanna scare cis men away and let them know I'm not for them Lol I got a belly button piercing in my youth and hated that, but I wouldn't mind trying an eyebrow one or something like that. 

Anyway yeah fuck it, I'm going goth again baby, and no one will stop me! 

Chapter 101: Last Apology

So this is probably be the last post for a nice long time, at least until anything major happens. In a way, my pain is still too much to even speak. I see now where my cis past self was probably only the perfect fetish material for black men, and that makes me sad. They all always want a white girl with a "black ass" as they say. I can see now where all I was, was ass. And I was the one accused of using someone for a body part, when the same has happened to me time and time again. I wonder how much of the real me got overlooked, all for my appearance back then? I noticed when the ass started shrinking and I started coming more into my masculinity, the treatment for me changed. I started getting a lot less of the things I wanted and needed, and generally disregarded. I see now, that the person under the shell was not loved, and that's why it didn't last, and in a way, I'm glad to be cut loose of love that was never real. May I figure out what true love really feels like to me, and that I never have to doubt or mistrust them in any sense of the word. I can also see now, that there was always another woman...probably for a lot longer than I knew about. My mother doesn't care about the insult to me that he'd project and accuse me of cheating when at the time, I wasn't. Every projection is a confession, listen closely. I know who it is too, and they'd always have a much more womanly figure than me, that's for sure. Or probably someone I don't even know either, I wouldn't doubt that...these narcissistic men and their flying monkies are experts in what they do, but I've now become untouchable for them; not giving any of my emotions or too much energy to them anymore. My mother too, she's earned that by never being the parent I could rely on when she was the only one I had left. Hard to love someone when you've always had to be alone in your worst times, even now. 

Ummm the stroker toy is amazing :3 So if that's what it's kinda like to fuck pussy, I don't know how I was ever really rejected so much. Now I know you gotta be antisocial or borderline psychotic to not like that. God it feels so good, loving that new toy and I can even stick the vibe in the other end and it causes suction that way too. It's kind of alien like too, so I been having a lot of alien kink lately with my oviposition kink. Can even stick it in you too, very versatile and I like it. Lol Just been thinkin about being abducted and used by aliens a lot lately. I hope I can get the will to draw more porn or just, continue those stories or something...it's just sadly not lookin very likely folks, and that's really why this post. 

I know it's ridiculous to let a broken heart just kill the creativity in you, but some people simply don't bounce back. Some stay broken, and start to find enjoyment in older things than before their heart getting shattered into pieces even happened. I've truthfully always loved dinosaurs, and certain video games. Now I have nothing else to do but the things that bring me joy. And obscure dinosaurs too, not just the most popular, and know a lot about them especially new information. So if I ever get the funds someday, maybe paleontology instead of helping the environment cuz I'm going to be honest, we're fucking screwed. As a species we're doomed, and I find more delight in studying the species of old that aren't even here anymore. We can only ever speculate about what they really looked like and lived like, but it's all so great to me and I always was very fascinated with them ever since a little kid. 

That all being said...I find I'm just...enjoying being a nerd again, without the constraints of all this relationship stuff. It's nice not having to anticipate a man's moods for your own needs, run yourself ragged trying to stay attractive to them so you can continue to live comfortably...fuck all that noise. I'm glad I can just, be my dorky and horny self again without having to run to someone who never truly wanted to be there for the real me. I'm enjoying my purchasing power as a man. Sure, I don't have too much of it with a job like this, but eventually I will go for something better. I just want to be living alone first, that way I can stop smoking weed again and don't have to melt my brain just to tolerate being around some people. I need to stop it for top surgery mostly, and can actually get most of the surgery covered with the insurance I have, it's just good to be on T for at least a year. I'll probably have to resign myself to the fact I'll probably never get fit, but with my genetics, I'll probably never get fat either, I really don't need to worry about too much health wise especially being on the T now. I do still try to work out at home though when I can. It's okay to be a nerdy, dorky, goth trans guy I'm sure. Nerds can still fuck, that's for damn sure, if anything, maybe even fuck better because they are so knowledgeable in subjects they like. And I really, really love sex. However when it comes to you men...my friend is the last cis guy I'm going to accept that won't let me fuck them in the ass. From now on, if you're a cis guy and you won't let me fuck you like a guy, it's not going to happen. I find this stroker and stuff is very affirming and I really like it. If I can't fuck a man like a man...I don't wanna deal with it anymore. Come on what are you so scared of? You have a pleasurable organ in there, why are so many afraid to even attempt it just once? I think it's manly to be pounded in the ass. 

I just find generally even though I'm still pretty depressed and enraged sometimes, I'm mostly just...too empty headed or get spikes of random horny, my junk starts acting up and wanting attention and so I give it to it. I'm mostly just...starting to be okay with chilling and the dumb childish things that bring me joy. I bought some new jewelry recently, some goth-ish type stuff, and one that represents the moon and stars at night, for a certain couple of reasons ;3 one of them of course being to remind me of the times with Moony. It actually has a Sun counterpart as they are best friends necklaces, and I will be giving the sun one to someone who is always there for me in my darkest times and has saved my life more than they really know. You are the sun to my moon, and we deserve some little reminders of our bond together and over the DCA as well. So yeah I'm generally too empty headed to create anymore, and find I'm just bored of it all for now and would rather play with dinos or fight monsters and dragons. I keep trying to create, I do keep trying, but then I just lose all willpower within like 5 minutes. So it's still not time for me to come back, and I know it's been months already, and I'm very sorry. I'm sorry that if I do come back to art and writing, I might not continue the things I started and just do other things. I'm always getting some really cool or funny or dumb ideas, but just lack the energy and motivation still. I just want to apologize to anyone waiting on me...just know, you could be waiting a long time, and who knows if anything will actually be continued or not, or if I just start making some new things. Either way, I do apologize and for the last time. I'm tired and it's late so I need to go to bed. Goodnight, and I thank you, anyone left, for your patience and understanding. And if you do just happen to forget my existence completely, it is what it is. Not everyone can live on in the memories of others forever, but love you even if you do forget about little old me and move on. It was nice having your eyes and attention, even for a little while. 

Chapter 102: Almost got in a fight :)

With a coworker. A "supervisor" who complains about his job constantly and having to cover the weaknesses of everybody else. The argument happened because I was on my period and feeling terrible and he thought I could do both upper and lower level like I'm fucking superman or something. So we argued in the food court in front of everyone, he started being a real ass and I was rightfully so back. I got so heated I broke a damn broom across a table and ended up throwing it and the dustpan across the damn food court. He's very lucky that wasn't his face because he was about 2 seconds from that. And during the arguing this dumb bitch of a mother tries to get in between and involved saying mY kIdS aRe HeRe and I said I don't give a fuck, fuck you and your kids. Please don't think everyone else's life has to revolve around you and your kids please, fuck off, no one asked you to have them in the first place. Cover their precious little ears if you don't want them to hear swearing and maybe explain adults get really mad sometimes. Also very stupid of you being a woman and trying to get in between two men about to fight. Very dumb. 

So it's funny that I say I won't text again until something major happens AND THEN SOMETHING MAJOR HAPPENS. Ughhhhh!!!! Fuck cis men entirely, I don't want any of them to even speak to me anymore on anything. I just asked what I was doing today, it can't be fucking both. But you men just like to throw around your power and authority, with no thought to anyone else. Always me me me with your selfish, lazy asses. This is why people with dick and balls that identify with it, should never be made into leaders. They have a domination fetish, and don't understand selflessness and mercy. I'll be glad to never fuck you motherfuckers again, and in fact, I hope I can get strong enough to rape you in the ass you wanna speak out of turn to me. I may be a baby trans now but let me get years of T under me, then I will make you motherfuckers fear me like nothing ever before. 

Didn't think my life and LITERALLY ALL THE MEN IN IT would cause me to become a raging misandrist but here we are. Fuck you cis men, step to me and fuckin find out. I've fought you motherfuckers before, without T in me. I can do it again, and now, with even more power to my punches. Try it now. Try pushing your dominating shit ways on me now and see what happens. 

Chapter 103: Fired (Unjustly)

Yeaaah so rather than type, I made a video about this. Please watch it. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ThmbLApiarI

Chapter 104: The Aftermath/The Plan

I'm gunna be real with you all...there is no plan. I didn't even have a back-up plan because I honestly thought they wouldn't take his side. But I should have known, the laziest and shittiest supervisors get to keep their jobs while the little worker drone gets put out the moment they can't just do it all. I don't know why I expected mercy out of a cis male, any cis male. I guess I have to pretend that I'm not mentally and physically fucked up, and have to hide it to the best of my ability even when I can't hide it. But they'll know, eventually. I can't walk this working world with such cruel cisgender guys in it and the pick Meishas who vouch for them. My ex boss was a woman too, with kids, from an abusive man. You should have known better than to take the side of another evil cisguy in your work place. I should have been more protected and fought for. Most of her staff actually hated me for being trans and were bullying me behind my back, always too afraid to say shit to my face because they knew that would happen. They knew I'm not the kind of guy that takes anyone's shit, man or woman. I also think it was just another breeder thing. They both have kids, so they have no problem throwing someone under the bus that doesn't have them. They have no problem with my continued abuse and exploitation at home, and they just ensured that it lasts even longer. You aren't for women, you aren't for trans people. And stop pretending you are, please. Just hire other breeders and patriarchy victims like you so love to be, and please keep my people out of your toxic and crappy work places. We deserve better anyway. 

Apparently, there isn't good unemployment help in my state, and where I'm at specifically it all got sold to a third party, and ALSO apparently, businesses can get away with paying such low wages that they don't have to pay into employment security. So more than likely, there is no unemployment for my job anyway, because that's how cheap they were and were allowed to get away with being as cheap as possible. It all shows too in how you run the workplace and let harassment (and even misogyny) just fly off the rails. All too many times I had to do the jobs of two people, and there's just days still that I'm not able to. I'm not physically able to. You were asking someone with a life-long condition and many other psychological issues, to do too fucking much, all BECAUSE I was getting T in my system. Testosterone takes a long time to work, I'm definitely not superman just being 7 months on T. I even still get my fucking period, and I really shouldn't be apparently. Now unlike all the other guys there, I didn't mind pulling some extra weight for the girls, I didn't mind it, because I am getting more physical strength it's just slow. I know what it's like pulling that heavy trash without T in my system, it was much too hard. I never minded doing extra for the girls, but when it comes to the cis guys there they would always complain, always call them and the customers lazy bitches or nasty bitches, somehow thinking the women's restrooms are worse no they aren't. They just have more trash, at least they aren't fucking destroyed physically or with their own shit and piss everywhere at least the women TRY to be more clean and respectful of the place, you wanna call someone a nasty bitch look at yourselves men. I DREADED doing the men's restrooms at night cuz I knew it would be absolutely destroyed and fucking filthy. And lots of you walk out without even bothering to wash your hands...filthy fuckin' savages. That's a lot worse than period blood and the odd case of diarrhea in their restroom when men would do it all on purpose, and then not even wash their hands. Oiy, the job was really getting to me anyway and making me kinda hate everyone more. Toxic place, breeders and cishet are gunna have priority, and I don't like all the favoritism and protecting some shit-sucking cisguy. 

So I don't even know what options I have left cuz everything is looking very bleak. Section 8 is gunna take a whole year to get me somewhere, I re-applied for disability and might have to navigate the world of a damn disability lawyer to get them off their ass. I really don't think I can work. I really don't think I'm well enough mood wise and mentally. It's very easy to get my traumatized ass riled up, especially if you're a cisguy and you aren't listening to a fucking word I'm saying. Just because I have a vagina doesn't mean you can just ignore what someone is saying to you or selectively hear what they are saying to you. Learn how to fucking communicate cismen because this is ridiculous at this point, and learn that a woman's or trans person's words should be fucking heard completely and listened to. Just, don't be an asshole, and I don't know why that's so hard for them to accomplish???

Think about just killing myself tbh. I really don't have many other options. I spiral into depression without weed and I'm just not sure what other meds are actually going to help me instead of just make me feel even worse. I'd have to hopefully rely on my neighbors to cheat drug tests. While they are thinking about legalizing it here, they are taking their sweet time, and most companies just do not have mercy for stoners here. I don't know why how I keep fucking calm really matters to people and what I do with my body on my own time really shouldn't matter to anyone. I'm not being some doctor or surgeon, no one's life is in my hands, I should be fine to get fuckin high so I don't absolutely hate every second of existing. Some people are starting to overlook it but not many, and I really don't want to have to suffer withdrawal around people who could give two fucks about me and all what I struggle with. So hm, all I have left is....death, disability, doing crime maybe, or working another job until I crack AGAIN because it will happen. I don't know what to do anymore, folks. I feel trapped here in the dirty south. As much thug shit as I listen to and as many fist fights as I've been in, too bad I couldn't just be a gangster huh? Too bad you don't see white trans guy Gs anywhere Lol Speakin of that, because of this, now it's not wise for me to look goth. Might just bleach out this color and have them just be blonde for a while until I know wtf I'm doing income wise. I gotta admit I already kind of look like a fuckboy anyway, but that's gunna make me look even more like a fuckboy and idk maybe some people like that shit and I'll get some kinda income. Really it was a compilation of a few things that kinda made me snap at work. I now believe you are always one really, really bad day away from going to fucking jail. My Ark game kept fucking up the whole time on the PS5, so whatever you do don't play old Ark on PS5. Um, it kept corrupting over and over and then eventually corrupted the entire external hard drive and it was something I didn't even think was fucking possible with this game. I was very close to fighting mini bosses on that map, so yeah, pretty pissed that I can't even play it anymore and it kept having crashing issues and I kept having to re-download it just to play it for a day. So sims game is fucked, Ark game got fucked, I'm bored as fuck of just about everything else, love life is fucked, home life is fucked, and then having a motherfucker being demanding and assholey at work just completely set me off and I was on my period and very hormonal at the time too. And yet I'm the one just blamed for everything when people wanna poke and prod at the worst possible times. Always people want to push me harder, when I need help, coddling, and rest. So idk what I'm doing anymore. I can't even sell art and stuff again because I'm low on products and my tablet is broken, and I honestly kinda miss digital art. Digital at least takes a lot less resources. But now I have no idea of my fate now. I'm also trying to reach out to some trans relocation programs, and maybe they can hopefully help me get out of here and turn my life around. There is no love for disabled trans people in the eastern southern United States...I promise you that. 

Chapter 105: Sleipnir (Alien Ponies)

Summary:

So it might not be what everyone expected out of me, but I managed to finish something before I gotta bust my ass. It's something anyway and just some naughty shit I been thinkin' about. Return of an old kink too that gets me in trouble but ah well. :3 Doesn't matter when it just applies to fictional stuff, and I need something right now to help me keep my sanity.

Furaffinity: Sleipnir (Alien Ponies) by xOutoftheShadows13x -- Fur Affinity [dot] net
Inkbunny: Sleipnir (Alien Ponies) by xOutoftheShadows13x < Submission | Inkbunny, the Furry Art Community
DA: Sleipnir (Alien Ponies) [Censored] by xOutoftheShadows13x on DeviantArt
Discord: https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/931610284488032346/1276619619465171068/sleipnir.png?ex=66ca302b&is=66c8deab&hm=2ac0cb1fba70f01aebc6c8dd0aaa8f7b1bef5dcd396a9bd8331ca1bdb5569261&

Description (It's VERY long): 

Decided to finish this before I really focus on job applications and cleaning up. So I had the idea that in the pony world, the many-limbed ponies of fables actually do exist, just in a way they never thought...they are aliens, from a whole nother far away galaxy. However, their culture is highly sexual and they overpopulated their entire galaxy, so had to become space faring. They love capturing species of new habitable planets, and testing anyone with wombs. They also will sometimes capture males of a species and force them to breed to make more slaves to sell off to families. So, the aliens are OP. They can control every aspect of your body via your brain. They have mind control, can read your thoughts, even subconscious ones and desires. They are highly advanced tech wise, and have actually visited this planet once before, when ponies were a very early species and one time were smaller with many toes. The sleipnir have interest in many creatures genitals and homeostasis, so if you are captured by them, you will be spoiled in many ways, they try to make you as comfortable as possible and please you as much as possible. But it is all a tactic to get you to agree to help them take over your planet.

Their control over your brain goes so far they can even alter the rods and cones in your eyes and make you see things that aren't there, thus they can disguise themselves better than a changeling, and you won't see their real selves unless they want you to. They can even see into your dreams while you are asleep and watch them. They can read your memories, know what in your body is ailing. Can make you just feel pleasure or feel pain. Could stop your heart if they so wanted to. Make you piss or shit yourself. They can do anything with your body and know what you're thinking and feeling. Once they start their invasion of Equestria, there is virtually no stopping them without outright murder, in which their skin is pretty soft besides their horns(males only) and hooves. They can control minds through their antennas on their heads. Even removing any limb, they have the ability to regenerate it as if it were new, but it takes some time. They have a particular weakness to ice and fire, or any extreme temperatures, which is why they'll only populate habitable places.

They don't have an anus, instead food and water is combined and converted together and expelled out of them. The sleipnir have many different colors, different numbers of eyes often, and some sexual dimorphism. The adult males are much more muscular, just not drawn here, having a chemical similar to testosterone in their bodies to make them strong. Males fertilize the females eggs, she either puts them back in him or finds another with a womb, the male then incubates and births the young. The females have to insert the eggs within 3 days or they will themselves die, they don't have the type of womb to birth like the males do in their species. The males have 2 sets of testicles and cum a lot out to ensure all the eggs are coated. The females do have ovary-like organs I just didn't show them, and they start pushing in new eggs within two weeks once the fertilized ones are dumped, and take about one more week for the uterus-like organ to be filled with them.

Babies will emerge shortly, luckily the entire process including the birth feels extraordinarily great to them, and the male's penis actually does go through the females cervix-like organ. The female's ovipositor has a smaller organ inside that pushes through the tight opening of the male's, though for them this all feels fantastic. The babies are much more intelligent than Equestrian babies, and already self sufficient. They are eating machines though, and can eat pretty much anything. When they are ready to come out, they'll excrete a chemical lubricant that loosens up and opens up cervix-like organs, and they themselves are very squishy. They'll start to get very wiggly when it's about time. They'll grow somewhat harder skin over time and start to shape into an ordinary grown sleipnir eventually. Wings and horn grows around childhood, and aren't usable until teenage years. They have a cutie mark system too but it works differently, it only appears when they discover what they truly love to do rather than a talent (they could be bad at what they truly desire!). The marks, the patterns on their wings, the antenna and tail all have a sort of bioluminescence, their original planet being rather dark with a strange sun. So they glow in the dark in parts, the antennas and tails (and dicks) being the brightest. When expelling the eggs into something, they do have to move the ovipositor a bit at first and the eggs will move up that tail to be cummed out. Babies have a special acidic saliva to dissolve and slurp up anything before their teeth grow in childhood. They are later omnivorous, not able to consume materials like metal and plastic anymore and must move on to meat and veggies. They also have a very strange tongue.

What's considered sexiest in males: Big muscles, cool and strong horn (these will grow back later if broken off but signifies a loss), big penis, big balls, able to carry tons of babies.
Sexiest in females: Big bulbus ovipositor end, large eyes, petite frame

They fly with the wing things undulating, like how a certain ancient sea scorpion cousin used to swim. Though they aren't very fast when they do it so, it's speculated that their wings can manipulate gravity for them as their flying is never too fast and more like an odd floating. When cut, their blood is dark indigo blue, almost black. Sleipnir are somewhat larger than your average pony, even the females.

(Clown Town has gotten a tragic goth-clown make over. Maybe more on that later, I do have a very short alien smut story in mind with my OC I'm not gunna lie...let's just say, his life went in the toilet so he's honestly glad to be used as an incubator and help bring the downfall of Equestria)

I know very long description but thanks for reading this far! Yes this is just...a porn species. Lol They are also pretty much rapists, so watch out Equestria :P But is it rape if they can MAKE you willing?

Chapter 106: I make porn story :3

Check out "All Hail the Brood King" in the Side Quests I have. The creative itch was finally itching, and I just couldn't ignore it. I'm sorry guys, horny brain go brrrrrr :P 

But now hopefully I can focus...

I also have links here. 

Side Quests - Chapter 17 - DragonGamerGirl13 - Five Nights at Freddy's [Archive of Our Own]
All Hail the Brood King by xOutoftheShadows13x on DeviantArt

Chapter 107: The Pick Me Epidemic

Summary:

Yeaaaaaah so while I've been struggling and only OF COURSE my two best friends really helping me or relieving any of my god damn stress, me ranting about pick mes fucking outed some. They don't like their shit being called out on, and normally I don't treat women in this way but when you're a fuckin pick me, you're not actually for other women or trans or queer people. You're just out for yourself in the dumbest fucking way possible, and it's going to lead you no where booboo! Possibly even a fuckin early grave, but what do I know RIGHT!?!?

This one is also in video format. I sadly couldn't make it public because uh, there's something in the background that is an oopsy lmao but yeah fuck the patriarchy, and fuck you pick meisha's you're the worst, and sometimes I'm starting to believe some of you deserve all this abuse because you just will not open your eyes and keep doing the same. Exact. Shit. and expecting a different result! Isn't that the definition of insanity!?!? Please, listen to trans people, listen to queer people, listen to other women's experiences and hold in high regard their fucking traumas instead of dismissing it! Listen to THEIR life and love stories before you sit there and fucking judge on shit you know nothing about because you're out here still chasing the approval of cishet, lame ass men. That's your problem, it ain't mine, I've divorced myself from that life for a fuckin reason, and every day now I'm getting better than going back to old habits and trying to appeal to men and get them to give a fuck about me. They don't give a FUCK about you sweetheart, especially if you were left single with a child already, YOU SHOULD KNOW THIS. Why would you trust a species that most of them walk out on fatherhood duties? Why would you keep trusting them? Why don't you try trans or queer people? Almost anything, ANYTHING, is better than climbing the ladder of patriarchy and pushing the others down with your fucking foot. Wake the fuck up, and also grow the fuck up. Who's the immature child here still having faith in fucking men, when they do everything to keep you right under their fucking thumbs. Time to wake up, big dummies. 

Normally I don't get this fucking mad at a woman, like, ever. But there's so many pick mes out there and they make everything so much worse. We could actually squash the patriarchy and do so much better for the minorities out there IF THERE WAS NEVER ONE SINGULAR WOMAN WHO SUPPORTED THE PATRIARCHY AND CISHET MALE GAMES. I'm not the problem here. It's the pick me epidemic and the cishet men everywhere. Yes, there's always exceptions to the rules but do you know how fucking rare that is anymore? It's a crying damn shame, so you might as well better yourself and not even fucking try, FOR YOURSELF, no one else! And definitely not a fucking MAN! 

Scatter from the light, cockroaches. It's what you do best. 

The Pick Me Epidemic (youtube.com)

Chapter 108: Daycare Attendant Outfits/Genitals

Summary:

Hopefully I can keep up my creative streak while job hunting and trying to get disability to give a damn. I really really wanna draw some porn and get back to that story.

DA: Daycare Attendant Outfits by xOutoftheShadows13x on DeviantArt
Inkbunny: Daycare Attendant Outfits/Genitals by xOutoftheShadows13x < Submission | Inkbunny, the Furry Art Community
Furaffinity: Daycare Attendant Outfits/Genitals by xOutoftheShadows13x -- Fur Affinity [dot] net




Descript: Okay so...I started this months ago, and sadly did it with those watercolor pens, and it's finally done. I should have just used the markers but idk, they still came out alright I suppose, even with several mistakes. So in my universes they all have some holiday themes. The glamrocks have to get parts of their exoskeletons switched out for them. But the Daycare Attendant since he wears clothes, just gets different clothes and Moony different claw colors. Under their design is their face, signifying how they feel about the outfit. So I only put some kinda major holiday stuff and included gay pride. New Years, Valentine's Day, Pride Month, Halloween, and Christmas. Could I have done more? Yes, but also no, I simply don't want to. So it lasts the entire month that the robots are dressed/colored slightly differently. The Pizzaplex gets a holiday make-over as well with them, so everything fits. Of course my creative spark would come back when I don't have a job Lol Yeah so, now his dick is see-through and has some more simpler mechanics. They all, including the glamrocks, get the cum tanks filled weekly but also can get some a bit sooner if they run out. They have maintenance checks on the genitals regularly, and they tend to enjoy the checks ups :P Lol But yay see-through mechanical scrunkly dick and puffy soft vag :3 How fun! Gunna probably be a bitch to draw in more porns, but I don't really care. I wanted the return of tentacle dick DCA, so I made it happen and you know I have to put my own spin on things. If I do make more art it will more than likely be porn, I really miss drawing porn. But I also like to draw out my plans first before making porn and there's my problem and why all the technical drawings. I do plan on returning to my dark infection MLP story very shortly, but I will more than likely stop making the art for it. I bit off more than I could chew doing that, but would like to get it out since it does have some invested readers. So yeah just a fun little thing that took absolutely forever because my will to create was being stifled a lot. It still is in some ways, but I finally managed to get this out.

In case it can't be really understood or seen: The New Year's golden part is glittery (anywhere with the white dots). The stars on Moon's Pride outfit are green and the other kinds of stars are every other color, was supposed to be brighter than that but hard to accomplish in watercolor.

Chapter 109: Update and 8 Months T/Commissions

I know I haven't said anything in a while. I'm still alive, just barely. So the western half of my state is under water right now, and if that gives away where I am, I don't care. Maybe you'll come fuck this lonely bussy, or put an end to my misery, either one is welcomed. Maybe even both at the same time. But yeah the hurricane really fucked this state up, little mountain towns who you never expected to be wiped out and drowned, got wiped out and drowned. So many people lost their lives, and many more changed forever, and another hurricane is on it's way. But everyone doesn't want to believe in overpop and climate change, got it. Stay blind, deaf and dumb people. I'm sure it'll still continue to work down the line. 

Anyway, I wanted to talk about the T some more and give an update to myself and the shit I'm going to do now. Or more so, have to do now. Let's start with the T first. So just about all my changes have been even more slow lately, and since my periods are still coming, it means I need to either up the dosage or add progesterone. Apparently, I could be one of the rare transguys where the period may not go away on it's own. So even with increased T and it doesn't go away, then progesterone. If we can't increase the T safely without it converting back to E, then we're going with progesterone. Either way, the progesterone will force it to stop and because it doesn't have E with it, won't feminize me in the slightest and should make my moods more stable. Either way, I can only hope for this or the next one to be my last periods. I haven't really noticed much in the way of changes I guess besides my voice getting slightly deeper even, my body is much hairier, my arms are kinda even bigger but to me not really big enough still. My bottom growth hasn't really been growing much more lately, and that makes me kinda sad but also why should I really care if I have no desire for bottom surgery? I really don't care so much, and the pumping and shit takes too much time and is rather tedious and boring sometimes, especially without someone else wanting to play with it. Besides...my next partners, I want them to love me as I am in whatever stage of life I am in, and love me for the real me, body and genitals and dirtiness and all. I want it to not matter to them that I have a damn boy pussy. If you can't love the bussy, you can't love me. I'm not willing to put my privates under the knife. The tits can go and need to, but I don't want any surgical equipment touching the downstairs and people will just have to deal with that. Some of y'all are just too dick crazy for me. I've spent my life pleasing many dicks, often what they are attached to isn't worthy of all of that attention, sorry to say. Also my attraction to men is just starting to really go to the wayside. It's like, when I look at them, even the ones I used to consider hot...I'm just not really feeling it anymore, ya know? Now when I look at women I can really notice the curvature of their bodies and how soft and subtle it all looks and for some reason it's really fucking turning me on. Before it didn't so much but now, oh my God, I've never wanted to dive into pussy more than I do now. But I realize I still look and act pretty damn gay, it's just what I'm used to. I'm not the manliest of men and that's okay, but I really want pussy more than ever. I just know I'm not in a good head space for any kind of relationship right now. My friends with benefits thing is all I have to really relieve myself now, my trust issues when it comes to men are through the roof and most women are just not attracted to me...and usually when they find out I'm a pretty thirsty pervert that tends to scare most of them away. But I'm also still just too shy, I can't talk to chicks. I just kinda clam up since I am just a very dirty nerdy boy, and kinda do feel a little shame but can't stop it so I don't know what to do about it other than go jack off on my lonesome later. T makes the pussy so thirsty guys, so thirsty, I wish there was more love for the transman and what we have. My vagina is even stronger you know. I can grip it like a fucking gorilla now. The clit is bigger and more sensitive. I wish we were more loved and lusted after as transmen. Can you believe there are gay males that don't view a transman as a man? They'll turn you down all because you don't have a huge big swinging pecker and your tdick can only really get to 4 inches in size. Like I said, too dick crazy for me and not wanting to please a man that just has something you aren't used to. Doesn't mean it's bad. You're technically SUPPOSED to stick dick in pussy. It was made for that. The ass is technically just a waste shoot. It's an exit, you just happen to have an organ in there that would make you cum like crazy when it's hit right. I guess maybe when you guys are formed in the womb, maybe your g-spot migrates to that position in your fuckin ass on the prostate who knows. But you all start out as women in the womb so I really don't understand the misogyny or transphobia towards transmen. I find the gay community really isn't kind to you if you are a transguy, and they only really go for the hottest anyway and not everyone can even achieve those things. 

Sorry about the tangent, anyway I'm struggling to get a new job, and so I'm opening up commissions. Sadly I can only do traditional right now, so my prices might have to be a little higher since a lot of my supplies are running out, and I need to help pay bills because we are falling behind since both of them had to rely on me pushing myself to the brink just so we have a roof over our head and the lights on. I'm going to do some YCH things too, and because they are trad, can only be done once so they are 1 slot only. First come first serve when it comes to those. Lots of the YCH things will be pornographic, and I encourage people to commission nsfw works from me mostly, or making people's OCs which I don't mind. These things I am most comfortable with. Lots of people have bashed me for being a porn artist before and think I have "ruined" my craft. I've been about sex since I was 16, my love for it is going to reflect in my art. I don't have this shame about being a sexual being like most do. I'm proud to be a kinky pervert, and know I will find my tribe eventually, and they will enjoy my damn porn and all that about me. I won't have it any other way. If you can't appreciate my stupid porns, we can't be together, fuckin period. Infact, if you don't appreciate the fact I draw a lot of porn, you can get the fuck out right now. I'm about tired of being shamed for my sexuality, especially because I was born with a vagina. For some reason everyone can't stand you when you're slutty and love using your pussy, and I just think it's because they are jealous, lonely dudes who can't even please a vagina to start with. They wish they could take dick in their pussy, maybe that's their problem. Go become trans and get a fucking pussy then, idk what to else to tell you. 

Anyway, here's my new prices and they could be adjusted based on difficulty and complexity or simplicity. 

Colored Pencil - $50-60
Marker - $60-70
Watercolor - $80
Mixed Mediums - $60-80

Remember, what I will not draw under any circumstances: Pregnancy (besides oviposition), blood, gore, vore, inflation, diapers/cub, feces porn (piss may or may not be okay).


I know what you're thinking. I've heard it all before, pal. If you don't think my skill is "good enough" for these prices, then just don't buy a commission. Fact is, I'm a real human being, with food I need to put in my stomach, bills I need to pay, and also, fucking feelings. You think it feels good that I've spent about 30 years drawing, and had to take years breaks in between because of poverty and narcissists? You think it feels good to have other people run your life and run it right into the ground, killing your creativity on the way? My skills are where they are at at no fault of my own. Of course I could get better, but I kinda have to survive long enough to even get better to start with. At least with me, you wouldn't be feeding a thieving, emotionless algorithm, and helping out a real human being with real human problems in this crumbling capitalist society. Please, even if you don't think they deserve 60 dollars for a few days to weeks of working on your artwork, then just don't do it, but I need people to show me they love me right now with their money. Show me you do with your money, and I'll work for you in the ways I can. Which is either art or sex, and I don't see anyone flying out here to fuck me and pay me for it, so art it is. Those are my prices, for survival reasons, everything is more expensive now so has to be my labor as well. Even the next real job I get, has to be for more than 10 an hour. These supplies are finite, my belly is hungry, my mind and heart is even hungrier. Now is not the time to mock me for my lack of skill when it was mostly lack of privilege. You can help me get better through commissioning me as well but people got bills to pay and hungry stomachs to feed. I think that's better than feeding a plagiarism machine. 

Chapter 110: Been sick

Yeaaaah, so the last time I saw my fuck buddy he got me sick. And it also got my mom sick. So we've been sick and miserable, with some kind of upper respiratory infection. It's been over a week and still not getting better, so I'm probably going to have to get on antibiotics now. Yes I love the dick but damn, didya have to get me sick bro??? 

So I wanted to say sorry if things have been slow again when I promised to pick it back up, this illness threw me for a loop. I'm hardly getting any sleep because of the coughing. I'm still wanting to do commissions though and am working on one right now. I also think I'm going to try this senior care job, and hopefully that'll really help me out, and maybe even teach me how to deal with my own mom better. But before any working, I really need antibiotics more than likely, and as soon as I recover I'm getting my shots, I don't want to get even more fucked up this year after all this. 

At least my ass is finally shrinking, I suppose. It always did get me in trouble, and too much attention from the wrong people. Other than that idk, just been kinda hopeless and lonely, and now sick. 

Chapter 111: Given My All, Ended With Nothing

So I'm back with possibly the worst news imaginable. All my hard work, all my sacrifices, all my duties to keep her ass alive, in vain. The passed few days have been hell on earth for me, and really revealed my mother's true character and dark heart. She let me know she never truly loved me, and viewed me as weak and pathetic...when really who's the weak and pathetic one, having to birth your only friend because you're such an abysmal, shitty personality that no one can fucking stand your ass mother. So today she let me know that I DESERVED all the physical bullying I got, because I should have just "learned how to fight like us". I did learn how to fight but not from any of your help what so ever, and I actually won most of those fights, fights I shouldn't have been in in the first place had you been proper parents that actually loved your child. You were supposed to protect me, you were supposed to be safe and reliable to go to. I could never rely on you, and now, I know I should have called CPS on you both when I was a kid. I knew none of this was normal. None of it, and I should have bounced as soon as I turned 18. I was truly so stupid, for thinking I could and should save my mother. I even stayed in a shitty relationship that wasn't right for me just to save her ass, because she doesn't know wtf she's doing with this life. The passed few days she's been talking about how she wants to die and see her family in heaven. Bitch, aint none of this family in heaven and what makes you think you gunna go there too!?!? You gunna roast in burning hell with the rest of them you fucking idiot! They were nothing but murderers, rapists, and drug addicts, and honestly you were no better being a fucking narcissistic sociopath. 

Also another huge abuser red flag that you now bar me from using this car. Well you can't drive it any better, and honestly, hope you do get in a wreck you dumb bitch. You were more concerned about the car than my health the last time I got in a wreck and fucking totaled it and fucked my left knee up. It was always material goods being more important than me. You always wanted that life of luxury undeserved, and not worked for it. Just thought having a kid would fix everything. Fix your fucked up ass marriage, your fucked up ass life, fucked up ass personality, thought I'd just looooove to serve you in my adulthood and waste more of my motherfuckin' time on this earth. Well I'm not sorry that I didn't end up a loser ass pick meisha who thought men were the ticket to life like you mother. You almost made me fall into the same bullshit, almost, but I'm wicked smarter than you'll ever be. You lost the last good thing in your life, and honestly, you deserve it. You were a horrible parent, and you both deserved each other. You deserved him raping you all the time. You deserved his punches to your face and him sleeping around on you. You both deserved each other, and you can be re-united in Hell. When they send me your ashes, I'm going to flush them down the toilet. A dark soul such as yours never deserves to touch a white beach. 

It's funny too. I put the last of my money in that gas tank, that I've been earning with my art, just to take her ass to the doc and get antibiotics in her. I spent the last of my money trying to save someone who never loved me, and doesn't know the meaning of the fucking word. Honestly my ex doesn't either know what love means, but I really didn't expect to be betrayed and abandoned by my mother. I thought she'd repent and actually try to save this shit, but honestly, it's not worth saving and never was, and I should have never tried to fix this...it wasn't mine to fix as I didn't break it. I will never visit her once she goes into a nursing home. In fact, even when she comes back here, I'm never talking to her again. No amount of crying, begging, pleading, anything, is ever going to get me back now. Not after what you said to me. That I DESERVED all the fucking fights I been in for my life, unable to turn to my parents for help. You will die alone, Leslie. I never had a mother. Someone else can throw you your funeral, I'm not doing it, and I'm putting your shit right in the toilet where it belongs. 

So that being said, I need a job like asap, and I need to get out fucking asap. Even if I have to rely on some friends for a ride and then have to use this shitty bus system, that's still better than being under this abuse. Under someone who holds everything over my head, and bites the hand that feeds, repeatedly. There's a special place in Hell for parents like you and my dad, Leslie....if Hell is even real. I'm convinced this life already is Hell. And you're failing, and will go to SUPER Hell. You had one last fucking chance with me. One last one. Way to muck it up fantastically. And here I been doing all this shit, being sleep deprived from coughing my lungs up, and you're really that ungrateful. You've never deserved children, and now I'm convinced, most people on this planet don't either. You should really have to get a license to fucking breed, I'm serious. It would have prevented from me existing and having so much trauma. 

I will be placing down a new Go Fund Me because honestly, I'm super boned. I don't have any real support besides like, my trans group, and one or two online friends. And now, I can't even go see my fuck buddy, someone who actually loves me, because my mother is evil and spiteful. So also now commissions are going to take me even longer cuz not only am I recovering from an illness or TRYING TO anyway, but I also need a job asap and have to get the fuck out of here. That was truly the last straw, and now I know I was created just to have mommy status and to never be criticized because you can't criticize a MOTHER!!!! So done with this breeder ass, cishet, mono, low sex drive, bullshit asshole world. Please help prove to me there is some fucking human decency left on this planet, please, please fucking help me! I will post this new Go Fund Me soon it's just....been one hell of a few days. 

I am SO SORRY to have to crowd fund, again. I hope this will be for the very last time. :( 

https://gofund.me/61f4c3a4

Chapter 112: Time Reveals All

So at least my mother came to her senses and gave me back the car, so at least I have that. And I get to increase my T, which is real nice. I still don't forgive her though, and I probably won't be able to. She didn't actually give me a verbal apology either...but I guess having the car back is as good as that is going to get. I'm still trying to avoid talking to her or being around her. I'm still making food for her but that's only because she gave me the car. I still can't really forgive not being coddled as a kid, teen, or adult though. I was spanked as a kid, and not hugged enough, and no, I did not turn out fine. 

Anyway, me and my ex had some kind of conversation because I guess he thought I was dating my best friend. No, I'm not dating anyone right now and don't fucking want to. Just because he's my best friend and we fuck, doesn't mean we wanna be together. Now if both of our plans in life fall through, then we'll try to spend old age together, so at least I'll have someone really awesome to age with. Now this brought up the fact he's actually been talking to some married woman, even while in a relationship with me. He "claims" they haven't spoken in years, but I don't buy that. The effort really started going away from you dude, and if I know men, it's because they found something they want and like more. So this chick is being abused physically, and he tried to say "At least I never hit you" and I said, "You don't have to hit someone to kill them. Look at my fucking life. You took everything from me. I don't have a job, I don't have a car, I don't have family that loves me, I don't have but one fucking real friend in real life. You didn't take my mind seriously, my passions seriously, nor my body's needs seriously, and that caused irreversible damage. So no, you don't gotta hit someone to destroy them." and he didn't know what to say. That's because I'm right and you know it. Even if you do marry her and "rescue" her, who's gunna save her from you? She'll go from one abuser's hands to the next. Poor little fucking male centered pick me. Of course you gotta run to someone who didn't build you up and made it so you have everything you have today. Of course you gotta run to some chick who isn't hip to the bullshit. Of course you gotta run to some bitch who will fucking breed for you, she'd looooooooove your bare minimum because at least it's not being beat on, RIGHT?!? That bitch gunna have two divorces under her belt, yeesh! 

And this goes to show...mono people want the poly lifestyle so badly, and are too cowardly and chicken shit to do it the right way. Want to have it all, and to never give up power whatsoever, and have to be so self righteous and right all the time that monogamy is the only way. So they lie and they cheat. So they do so badly in a relationship just hoping for you to get fed up and tired, so they can move on to the next chick like you never fucking existed. And if she can't save herself from being fucking beat on by a man, what makes her think another man is going to be safe??? All of y'all need to fucking sit with yourselves for fucking once. Sit with yourself, my ex, and really ruminate on how you affected my life, took all my love and effort for fucking granted, and drove me bat shit insane. 

It's so funny, you know? All of this also proves that sex, affection, and attention actually ARE important to you then! You just didn't want those things from me! You just waited around hoping I'd change my mind on children and be your personal incubator, nanny, therapist, and kitchen slave. It's hilarious because you thought I was the weak and desperate one. You thought I'd be the first one to fold and try to get into some dumb ass relationship lmaooooo oh man you funny. All of this makes me feel so fucking superior though. Here, I'm a hypersexual, and I have more patience and discipline than you. You gotta try to bust into someone's busted ass home. Well don't come running to me when that husband goes to kill you. And you should know better. You just should know better. And now you can't be mad at William, here you were probably cheating on me the whole time anyway. I count never being able to look into your phone or be part of your social life as trying to conceal your cheating. And you had a poly partner. You know how low and terrible you have to be, to cheat on a poly partner that wanted someone else to come in? That's so garbage. So we are better than you, automatically. We automatically have more morals and can understand emotions better like jealousy. 

Also some people I tried to rely on from group turned out not to be reliable at all. They gave a living space promised to me, to someone else. Soooo that's it, not fucking with them anymore, they made their choice to fuck me over and not be reliable. I've also decided, I have to try to quit weed again. I hate how dependent my brain is on it, and my tolerance is so high I can hardly feel it anyway. I'm also just too broke to keep affording it, and definitely too broke to keep doing it as a habit just for maintenance. I want it to be a fun thing again that I'm not constantly worried about running out because it wouldn't matter. And also, this state just won't legalize it quickly or anything, and I doubt even that would take it off of these greedy company's drug tests. While weed is not a dangerous drug by any means, it's still something I need to get my brain and body to stop craving so much. My sex addiction got kinda broken by the break up, but my weed addiction got worse because of that. Now that I'm really not so brokenhearted anymore, and just really disappointed in him, I do believe I could actually quit now. And I need to for top surgery anyway and/or getting the ovaries and uterus removed. 

Anyway I still really need help, please still donate if you can. I just thought all that was really fucked up that you can put all this fucking effort into fucking with a married woman, when it would have been easier to just GIVE ME THE EFFORT I DESIRED. GAAAAAAHHHH!!!!! It would have been easier just doing wtf I wanted! Ya damn dumbass! But I'm the weak and unstable and desperate one! Right. Please donate, I'm still pretty fucked even with the car back. 

Chapter 113: My 2nd Time in Grippy Sock Jail/Please donate

Soooooooo my "loving" parent forced me into grippy sock jail, because she was talking all crazy like she was going to kick me out right now, and so I said something as equally crazy and she really got the popo on me. Are you serious, bitch? So she put me in fucking danger because there were ACTUAL crazy people in there, and I really felt like I didn't belong there. There was this super scary and unpredictable black lady who was ugly as dog shit, she'd cuss out people and the staff all the time and drink tons and tons of soda and coffee. We had this other older black guy who kept repeating himself constantly, that was annoying. And then they put us suicidal people with drug addicts and convicts, yeah man we can really heal and not be so depressed around withdrawing people and people that are LIFE IN PRISON. Yeah we feel totally safe and secure and can totally sleep in that kind of environment :/ I did make some friends, but I have a feeling they probably wont be alive enough or clean enough to be around. One was a fent addict, and even had sex in the psyche ward with someone....unprotected. ._.; Even worse, a mexican dude wanted a piece of my ass and this other black guy too but I said look I'm not here for that. Of course they got disrespectful of my gender whenever I wouldn't give them the pussy. Nowwww the purposeful misgendering starts just because I won't give the bussy to just anyone now. Keep misgendering me boys, and I can show you how much of a man I really am. You can and will get your ass whooped by a man without a dick, I promise you that. Why do they think being mean is going to get them the pussy? I don't fuck bullies or bigots, nor do unprotected quickie sex in the fucking mental hospital, what the hell is wrong with you guys? 

So my moms trying to say the nurse saw those texts and she's the one that did it but bullshit, you had to give the address, there was no way she could have acted that fast. They tricked me, said I could go home as soon as I talk to a doctor, so then I was held for 6 fucking days. Also the police were very rough on me, wouldn't let me just go back inside and recant my statement. They wouldn't let me revoke consent to being taken, and were just gunna manhandle me more or inject me with some sedative if I didn't agree to go. So I'm probably going to have to get a lawyer and find out who send the fucking police to come ruin my life further. I would have actually gotten this job if she didn't do that and sent me to the hospital. Only one good thing came out of this and it was this new psyche drug I'm on called Zyprexa. I honestly thought nothing would work on me, since nothing else has before but this stuff seems to work. My head is blissfully empty most times now, never feeling all these crazy feelings and having like 50 trains of thoughts at once. Now, its only one train of thought and I feel pretty content most of the time. Where has this shit been my whole life? The only downside is....my man titties might start leaking cuz of this stuff. No I'm not even kidding. This stuff increases prolactin in the body, and since I do have female breasts, they do hurt, feel fuller, and might start leaking on me. Sedative transman breast milk anyone? xD Well hopefully the T can off-set this and keep them small. I'll just...have calming tit milk I guess lmao Since this is another anti-psychotic, and it's mostly used for schizophrenia and bipolar...am I a psycho? Or am I bipolar??? I don't even know, otherwise why would this drug actually work on me? I always just thought it was the PCOS that always made me so moody but maybe I've inherited my mother's bipolarism or something.  I can't be a psycho though, I have massive amounts of empathy for others and it often gets me taken advantage of. Also the thought of killing kinda makes me sick. Cept when I am super mad then yeah I probably could be driven to kill, I do have one hell of a temper that hasn't been ignited since. I have a very short fuse, and now it seems the fuse is just...not really there anymore??? It feels nice to be so blank headed and calmer now but I also fear this drug changing my personality. I hope it won't do that. There are times where deep emotion is needed and appreciated, and now I fear they will never be so deep again. 

Either way I'm going to still try to get a job and move out. Just had my 32nd birthday and while it wasn't too special, I'mma get my haircut again soon. I honestly don't really wanna fuck with the dye and shit anymore. I kinda want very little hair, I kind of hate having hair on my head and would actually rather start wearing hats :3 I always did have a soft spot for hats but never really got to wear them so much. Plus they'll help me look manlier, even shorter hair and wearin' hats. 

I do think my mother feels guilty AS SHE FUCKING SHOULD. Only one good thing came out of this hospital trip and it was a sedating, mood tranquilizing drug. Perhaps I needed it to gain control over my emotions rather than them controlling me. For some reason, I couldn't do that without this drug. They ran me over like a train before, and now it's like. Well I don't really feel anything, too happy or too sad, it just feels, just right. It apparently balances the dopamine and serotonin in the brain so, it's always at a balance now and honestly it's really great. At least I still have this shitty car, which really needs repair. I can't see my friend more than likely until it is fixed. Yall want me to get some much needed dick and relaxation, don't you? :( I still need help. This job coach and other stuff isn't moving fast enough because I had to spend a damn week in the loony bin, against my will. At the very least I'm fuckin sedated now for the most part so coming off weed should be easy. I just had to get some for my birthday though. I'll be posting my dumb little crayon art I did because I made yet another MLP character. I'll post the Go Fund Me link again soon, but it is important that I get some help for moving out because I definitely can't on my own. And have to find a place myself because those two youngins done fucked up their lives with a baby, and I don't want to be around child rearing thank you very much. I probably need to go back to school so I need a peaceful and more quiet environment, plus I want my polycule and I can't have it be how I need it to be with kids around. I need a more perminant solution, not something temporary I've had enough of that. 

So I'm sorry for yet another hiatus on like...story making especially, and I'm having a hard time finishing this commission with all I have to take care of. Please be patient with me, folks. I'm very busy now, and kinda frightened for my own life, safety, and transition with who just got into office. And I wonder if I can ever get out of here. 

https://gofund.me/61f4c3a4

Chapter 114: Everyone just plays me LIKE A FIDDLE!!!!

Soooooooo not only is my ex trying to fuck around with a married woman, my ex-best friend who I trusted for YEARS sent him NUDY PICS!?!? ARE YOU FOR REAL???? Are you guys really for real about this? Yall just play in my face like I'm just so fucking harmless. I can assure you me not assaulting my ex right now, is my fucking strength. Me not beating you over the head with whatever I can find, IS MY STRENGTH NOT MY WEAKNESS!!! But you know what? Yall can keep playing, because I've left the game. I left the game and I'll gladly never come back if this is the only caliber of person that can be around me, I'll gladly stay single. Yall are players, yall are liars, cheaters, hypocrites, always do as I say do not as I do. Here I tried to do everything legitmate. I tried to tell you of my needs for the relationship to be open, and here you denied me, and fucked around behind my back anyway. So great, now I have to go get tested for every STD out there because I can't trust a single thing you say now. Just because I'm poly and hypersexual, DOES NOT MEAN IT'S OKAY TO CHEAT ON ME IN A FUCKING RELATIONSHIP. Even emotional affairs count, cuz I never really had your heart. 

Imagine playing games with a poly, hypersexual transman. Imagine. Just imagine. Wow, I truly am around and attract the worst kind of people. And I just expected better out of someone I trusted for so long. Over here probably lusting after my ex the entire time. Who knows when those pics were taken, and how long you've been flirting with each other. No wonder I wasn't getting any attention, it was always going to other women. 

My trust and all my love is effectively destroyed. I don't know how I will ever be able to trust again. Well the only way to win the game is to not fuckin play. I don't entertain brokies, losers, liars, cheaters, assholes, betrayers. I no longer do the unloyal, the uncouth, the idiocy. You motherfuckers that play around behind my back when I gave all my love and trust? You only played yourselves. Because I'm going to get out of poverty if it's the last motherfucking thing I do. And then I won't be attracting these kinds of people anymore. 

So what's the lesson here? Fuck men, and fuck bitches, get money. Get you money cuz then at least you can buy your own sex toys, and you never have to beg anyone for their bare minimum again. 

Chapter 115: Double YCH and Comms are still open!

I have made a good ass double YCH thing with the new mlp dragon I made. If you have a pony OC you'd like to be featured in it, please inquire on furaffinity, inkbunny, or DA. 

The male needs to be either a unicorn or alicorn, or even a transmare with the dick still that can do magic. 
The female can be any species (Has to be pony, no changelings and hippogriffs and the like) or can be a transtallion with a vag. If no one picks a slot for the female I'll replace with villain mode Clown Town, and the other will just have to be some random pony as I'd definitely like to start coloring it asap. 

I still can't really think of a name for this dragon character. It's a hermaphrodite dragon and pronouns are he/they/it. Yes it's fine with being called an it. 

I really feel in my element drawing porns again. There's also another porn I could work on as well, or even continue that Nightmare Moon comic. There's plenty of porn things I can do really but I especially want this one to be done, so please, I'm sure someone has an OC that fits the descript and wants to join. For 15 bucks you can take one slot, if you have characters for both it'll be 25 rather than 30 (all USD). I wish I could think of a name for the dragon, but I really am stumped. 


People have informed me of it being a discord problem when it comes to these embedded pics, and as I don't really have the time to put hundreds of images on another art website, I'll just have to post the links. I have also tried out and loved a new pony style, so even the dragon is more stylized to fit that as well. 

I am still doing commissions, and am still accepting donations. I'm now free to work on another commission having just finished one, and would really like to get started on this porn but need someone's OCs in it, which I would just love to do. I have to take markers off of the commission list though, they are all dried out and unusable. I know I've let all my drama and shit affect how my audience sees me and I know I haven't been very professional, but this is probably the best I can do given the circumstances. Sucks I still have to beg so much for help, but that's just how it is right now and everyone needs help sometime in life. Here's the links to my double YCH porn. I have a few other works behind that such as practice for a new pony style, but I'll also practice a coloring technique on those so you'll probably see the better version soon. 

Please feel free to inquire, it'll be first come first serve when it comes to this. The title is kind of an inside joke. 

Fantasy Fuck Time (DOUBLE YCH!) by xOutoftheShadows13x -- Fur Affinity [dot] net
Fantasy Fuck Time (DOUBLE YCH!) by xOutoftheShadows13x < Submission | Inkbunny, the Furry Art Community
Fantasy Fuck Time (DOUBLE YCH!) by xOutoftheShadows13x on DeviantArt

I have thought about the magical properties my dragon's fire has though. It's a healing fire, but it only works on living things, including plants. It will however burn inanimate objects and things not living and turn those into ash. Since it seems dragon fire in their universe has unique magical properties to each individual dragon, this blue fire heals anything wrong with something living and puts it in it's prime, but will char and burn through things not living like clothes, housing, etc. This dragon likes to lie and bluff and say it will destroy them as intimidation, but eventually becomes revealed that it's a healing fire. When asked why not show off this ability, it says it "Doesn't want to put all of your pony doctors out of business...maybe you can use me as a very last resort." And so it was agreed upon that, as this dragon loves pony kind and wouldn't want to disappoint. 

I feel so alive when I draw porn...I don't know why. Anyway I'd love someone to join in, even if one person. Show me you love me with your wallet and I'll put in my best efforts to make it pretty. Ha, if I'm such a bad artist then why do I get commissions sometimes? Take that haters. 

Chapter 116: Still in need of help!

Summary:

Hope everyone had a happy holiday as well.

I know it's probably very easy to forget about me and that I exist, but I'm still in very much of need financial assistance. If you couldn't tell by the adoptables and YCH stuff, and commissions being open, I'm still very much broke and it's a problem. Me and my mom have decided to try to find a cheaper place together and get on some waiting lists if we can, but sadly I'll still probably need her help as well. I just need so much help right now and it really sucks and wish I had it all together already. The joblessness wasn't supposed to last this long, and no matter how personable I try to be at interviews, I still get nothing. I don't understand what I'm doing or saying that's wrong. It seems no matter how hard I try to human, it just doesn't work. Please help me. Please? I don't know what to do other than application after application. Just please someone help me. I've even been trying to sell stuff I no longer use just to get by. I never liked begging for help but I just have to, idk where else to turn honestly. Hopefully with the holidays being over something actually works out for me.

Please donate below, I appreciate any little bit.

https://gofund.me/57bcd4d8

Chapter 117: Tomfoolery

So what's been going on with me lately? A whole lot, honestly. I'm still trying to get a job and actually have a really good chance of one now. I've been being hit on by many guys at once on fetlife, and my ex tried to get sexual favors out of me. I'm actually...very turned off of men anymore. I'm just not feeling them anymore. I don't even find it that worth it to go out and meet these guys just for the possibility of some sex. It's just no longer worth it to me, and my soul craves for more. A true connection, and craves something new like women, or another transguy, or transwomen. I don't want to keep doing this sort of thing for and with men. I'd rather be stable and not living with my ex in order to really feel okay about going out and possibly fucking. I just don't trust guys anymore honestly. They could always take the condom off and keep going. They could always rape me in the ass again. They could always carry some terrible, life-long disease and not tell me about it. Guys are just...too untrustworthy, and my gut and my soul knows what I need, and it isn't them. As for my ex...I will never touch you again. That last time I begged and cried and pleaded, was the very last time I ever beg anyone for my bare minimum. If I know they can't provide that, I'm gone, and most men just can't provide that for me. I want something money can't buy, I want something true, something deeper, something more meaningful, something that I know for sure has my back when I'm down. It's so funny that now that I'm getting all this attention...now I don't want it. I'm not the same person I used to be so long ago. So much has happened, so much has changed me. I may be a hypersexual but now I've gained so much control that now, I don't want it out of control again. Ever again. Also my porn that I make kinda does it for me, ya know? Why have to answer to some man to get off? Why have to do all this running around in the dead of winter, to get my rocks off, when I can do it in 10-20 minutes and be done? It's just not worth pleasing them anymore. I got so much going on in my life, and now isn't the time for me to fuck it up with men. I'm sure you are all very nice gentlemen, but I'm not the one who's ready to play right now...I'm very sorry. I may be a hypersexual and all but my standards of access has been raised a lot, I've got a lot I have to do and worry about moving out too, and just too much on my fuckin plate right now to risk anything. I'm not that person anymore, I wish I could just flip the switch and go back to that but I can't now. I've grown too much, I've witnessed and felt way too much. My journey through this darkness is not over yet, but I am almost to the light, I can feel it. 

(Thank you to anyone who has donated so far, you mean the world to me whoever has.) 

Chapter 118: Anti-Dating Men Poem

Summary:

Heheheee I did it again. I made a poem about my feelings. Try not to take offense but if you do oh well. It should be known how I feel about men and the patriarchy by now. Very much don't like it, don't want a part of anything of it, and my dating life has been pretty abysmal lately. I either get ghosted, or they come up with some kind of excuse not to see me, or they are a mental fucking wreck already and I can't deal with that when I'm not all the way put together either especially right now. Idk these guys have just been very lacking lately. I also know I'll probably never get the emotional connection I need from a man, that's probably going to come from women more than likely. They are just raised in different ways. Do I wish more guys would be raised with empathy? Yes, it would change the world honestly, but I'm not really running into that kind of guy. Yes I want kinky and sex but I also need to know you're a good person who listens and is genuinely kind. Which I'm just not really finding in men.

There’s piss in the dating pool
So many of them are actually uncool
I see the red flags I used to not see of the past
Each one has a more troublesome story than the last!

I don’t think I want relationships anymore
All the rules and appealing to them, a bore
I’m honestly fine with masturbation
And would rather stay in my station

At least I won’t be getting pregnant
By a guy who's at best, negligent
I think I’m finally done with men
And I think at least I’ve stayed below ten

They are gross, dumb, and awfully mundane
Their incessant fucking babble drives me insane!
The patriarchy they uphold is always bad
Most of them can’t even be bothered to be a dad!

Call me a misandryst, if you will
At least I’m no longer their shill!
Loving and supporting women is the way
I’ll sing about it all fucking day!

I may be trans, but I hate your world
It all honestly makes me want to hurl
I’m a man of a different breed
And I no longer care of your needs

I got my own destiny to unfold
I rely on myself to be so bold!
I don’t need some smelly guy
besides me, myself, and good ol’ I

Chapter 119: The Biggest Fool

I still really feel a type of way. I really did all that wifey shit, really abandoned myself for 12 fucking years, just to be discarded when things got too hard and I started becoming my own thing. I can't help but rant a little bit because this man has been behaving like a little teenage boy, like a fuckboy, when I'm the one that's technically a teenage boy and should be a fuckboy but now I can't. I can't bring myself to try to date right now, even if people are interested because I'm still so fucking broken. You BROKE me. I'll probably never be the same and you stupid bitches are really falling for all the shit I used to fall for. If he treated me, the "love of his life" so badly, wtf makes you think he's going to do better with you? Even his fucking bare minimum was usually too hard to get out of him. He only likes you because you're pretty, and he's just trying to see how quickly he can get into your pants. Don't give him the satisfaction, cuz he even went crawling back to me for sexual favors, and I guess that's all I'm ever good for out of him. Doesn't matter that I'm normally the one doing cooking and cleaning, none of that matters. No rewards for me toiling away day in and day out, giving up college for you, giving up a real career for you, just to get your whole ass to kiss. Well you can kiss my whole ass now. I hope you get them pregnant and they take child support out on you. I hope that husband catches you in the act and kills you both. I hope you get some life long std for taking all my attention for fucking granted and having to sleep with the roaches. Those roaches can have you. I just wish I could fucking move on in peace and not have to see you anymore. I hate you with all my heart, and it's going to take much more than getting me a new phone to get my respect back, which probably isn't even fucking possible at this point. 

I'm just so done with him and his bullshit. They both are kinda just...annoying to me. So you guys treat me badly, and then blame me when I confide in my best friend everything and we understand each other and have an actual emotional connection like I need anymore, but y'all get mad that I fuck him? Then die mad. He's the only one that deserves me, my ex doesn't. He's the only one that's fucking earned it, you guys haven't earned fucking shit but the back of my heel to your faces honestly. My life is ruined because of you two. My body is ruined by that first puberty, my mind is completely destroyed, and my heart has been in fucking shambles for years now, always tossed away so carelessly. Just paying bills is not enough. You have to actually be a team player, you have to actually lift a finger to help. But you'll help others. You'll help them so fast but leave behind all the destruction you caused. And it's such a bad path of destruction, no one's going to want to have to clean up your mess. And so far they haven't wanted to. So thanks for leaving me all fucked up and practically penniless. Thanks for abandoning me for married people. Thanks for fucking my head all up and heart up even worse, now I don't want anything to do with relationships and for who knows how long. You just got me fucked up being such a play boy now, when that's what I was supposed to be. Now I'm just lonesome, handsome, and heartbroken. No one's going to want to rescue this prince. You made damn sure of that. I'll never be able to trust men again after everything I've been through, and I almost want to tell them there is no point in trying. I'm a lost cause, I'm very heavily damaged goods. I'm not what anyone wants or needs...and while it is sad, it is still very freeing. I'm able to just be me and exist now, without having to worry about appeasing anyone, and I'm not so ready to give that up like you are. Onto the next serious relationships for you, and I'm just here, enjoying my own company for once. 

At least this Valentine's, I'll be with my bestest fuckbuddy friend. I really miss him, it's been months. Just imagine, if you just treated me how I asked and needed, given me proper praise and rewards of love, just to think you'd still have me. But you lost me. You lost me to someone who's a much more decent man that most. It's honestly pretty sad that my skinny little bestie has more heart in his little body than you do in all of yours. It's just sad that someone that never got to live with me actually became my home, while you were there wrecking every sense of a home I could actually have at home. Home is where you can be vulnerable and sad and coddled, the problems and loneliness actually fixed...he doesn't make me feel lonely, so he wins. I just needed to rant for a while because I just wish I could turn my heart off completely and not care, because he doesn't anymore and that's for sure. I hate how much of a fool I was to waste so much time on loving someone else, when all my love needed to go directly to myself. 

Chapter 120: Life Update

So what's been going on with me lately? A whole lot. I finally got a job, it's just a dishwashing gig but at least it's something. It's proving to be murder on my body though, but I feel like we'll adjust in time. I also cancelled with this VR program after getting it, they started getting on my nerves after a while. It took them 6 months to even get me something, and even then we were just doing what I was doing anyway in my free time (going on god damn indeed). I will probably never go through them again, as the jobs they've given me are typically pretty bad. That fucking mall nearly drove me insane with all the bullying. Now people know I'm too afraid to communicate and really put myself out there because I'd rather just remain anonymous. I don't want to make friends and make enemies again, I'd rather be left alone. My coworkers seem to be a better and more diverse crew here though, so hopefully I don't gain any hatred. I'm honestly doing my best but boy am I tired. So I'm sorry if creative things now go to the wayside or take even longer to complete. 

I'm getting hairier and my voice is still changing, I'm probably going to have a beard eventually. Still not lucky in the dating department, but it is what it is. I have so much more to focus on other than finding love. Hopefully I can really start adjusting to all of this and be able to really create again. I will still try to work on this story when I can, and am still making that nightmare moon porn comic. Things are just at a snail's pace now. So bare with me, I'm still around, but now I have work so I don't have to keep ebegging and all that. I do thank deeply all those who have donated to me and have just given me some money to get by. It was a really rough half a year for me, and I was doing door dash just to get by. Now I can actually help my mother with all these bills and this car whose running on it's last legs. 

It's hard to find my voice again. Hard to want to pursue anyone. Hard to want to participate in most things with humanity. I'm on a better medicine and all now but surely life gets better than this? Just paying bills til we die? 

Chapter 121: Long time no talk - Moving out

So I know it's been months since I've said anything. Haven't been giving updates on the T or anything and I've just been busy working mostly. But its come to my attention that now is the time where I need to move me and my mother out from under my ex, we don't really have a choice and have to find something fast...they didn't want to renew our lease and wouldn't give us a reason. We only have one or two months to do this. And also soon, I will be trying acid for the first time ever. I'm super excited about that but super worried when it comes to this move. I don't want to be homeless again, please, anything but that. Things were starting to go well for me too, and now most of my money will have to go to the new rent. They certainly don't make anything cheap or easy anymore, do they? It's been about time we finally split from my ex anyway, he wants to go live his life with this fucking married woman and I want to live my life being single and just caring for me and my mom. I'm still rather pissed at my mom for sending me to the mental hospital, I am pretty mad about that still. Something like that can't easily be forgiven. 

Anyway, i guess I'll keep this short. I have been finally getting my facial hair and though it's still patchy right now I'm rather proud of it. The rest of my body is getting even hairier too especially my stomach. My voice is still slowly getting deeper and still cracks sometimes. I haven't really had any changes in my tdick and I think it's because of all my smoking. It's still just a baby carrot. Lol But all this stress I'm under there's no way for me to quit right now. Anyway, with that out of the way, I have to resort to e-begging once again just for this move. There's application fees I need to pay, among many other fees I'll have to pay too, especially if she wants to keep this fucking stupid dog. Now normally I like dogs but not one this dumb, she doesn't listen to nobody. Either way I'm stuck with her and the majority of her care since my mom hardly gets out of the bed, even if doctors have instructed it. I will need lots of help with this, and it's the first time I'm really being on my own without a man in the picture. Me being the only man in the picture. 

Please help. Anything helps. I haven't had such pressure put on me for the longest time now. Please help alleviate some of that pressure? 

https://gofund.me/3f9e7fbe

And because of this, I will not be able to create art or make stories while having to worry about where I'm going to live next. So please help me. This should HOPEFULLY be the last time I beg for money over the internet, but it's real important or I could be living in the car again. Please help. Anything helps. 

Chapter 122: I've been homeless

I'm technically homeless even though I have no choice but to stay with my ex. My mom went to the hospital because the dog broke her hip, but even from a hospital bed she's trying to get us in a place where she can be taken care of too. I had this nice hotel man take this dog and give her a new family, she's finally happy with dog lovers who can take care of her and just in time too. Either way I'm pretty boned right now even still, my job hasn't been working me much because I've been so stressed and sleep deprived. The cat keeps jumping on me when I'm trying to sleep and the turtle also makes so much noise, I'm hoping I won't have to be with my ex for too long as he's already moved on and has a girlfriend already and I just need to get my life together. Either way, I still am in need of financial assistance. Please, anything works, and I can't even draw now or anything. Please help me in my dire time of need. My GoFundMe should be in the last post still in order for people to donate. Please help, I'm so lost and don't know what to do other than stay with my ex. I guess he isn't too bad for giving me a place to stay for a while to avoid even more hotel fees. (Though I can finally really sleep when given a hotel room by myself). Please help me out gang, I've got nothing but the clothes on my back and my medicines. If you reach out to me through my other websites, I can give my cash app info to you too.

Chapter 123: Still Homeless

Yeah I'm still technically homeless even if I'm living with my ex in a small studio apartment. I need so much help, my job just doesn't pay enough even if I work many hours it still wouldn't be enough. I already got denied an apartment cuz I can't make enough money. Keep in mind, I am trans and in the southern part of the US, and I'm disabled but the gov won't recognize it. I'm probably never going to make enough cash for shit. So I'm in some cramped living quarters, hardly getting enough sleep because of his cat, and hardly getting food too. And you know I miss when I was this unhinged horny pervert, and I wish I could get back to that stuff but life keeps lifing and getting in my way. I wish I could go back to making porn, but I just can't right now as I've lost everything. I mean, everything is still in storage but I can't even get it out and have a place to live already. I am supposed to be seeing my bestie on Monday though and at least that's a little break from all this stress. So I'm again asking for help. I really don't know what to do and I'm afraid of being homeless for the rest of time, staying with my ex who clearly wants to move on from me and my mothers care. I just wish I could have an affordable place to live and it's just not looking that way, Section 8s funding has been frozen. Idk what to do and I'm completely lost and very depressed. I often wonder now if I should just do myself in and stop all this pain and hardship for me once and for all but I just don't have the gall to do it. My mom is still in the hospital cuz the dog ended up breaking her hip but at least I've found the dog a much better home. I just still need so much help, please...just please. I see no light at the end of this tunnel.

Chapter 124: Tablet back

So everyone I finally have a new digital drawing tablet so I can finally do digital art again after so long. I have commissions open, you know my pages by now, feel free to request one out of me and I'll gladly get it done. Also I'm still technically homeless and living with my ex. I just been having to work a lot so I've been pretty busy. My mother is also still in rehabilitation and now sick with something else. I don't have much to report on, just getting hairier by the day really. Oh and I started a new anti-depressant lately as well so were hoping that goes well. It should also reduce my cravings to smoke eventually as well. Also because of my medicine, I couldn't trip when I tried LSD for the first time...didn't get a trip at all. My stabilizer medicine Olanzapine is a trip killer...so no trip for me, not until I'm off that and I don't think I can afford to be off that. Anyway I'm just surviving over here and could use the art to work on. Please commission me, don't be shy.