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~
'Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I'll give my all to you
You're my end and my beginnin'
Even when I lose, I'm winnin'
All Of Me – John Legend
~
“Yes, I will be home by seven. See you soon baby” says Pat while hanging up his phone and focusing again on his mission. Pat is watching the rings. They are all shining under the light of the shop. They are all beautiful but none of them reminds him of his Pran. It’s the third shop he goes to today, trying to find the perfect ring. He stares at them for a little while, when one ring catches his eye. It’s simple and elegant. It is soft and beautiful. Like his Pran. "Yes, this one will be perfect for him" he whispers with a smile. He waves at the owner of the shop.
"Is this for a marriage proposal?" he asks Pat.
Pat nods with enthusiasm. "Yes, I can’t wait to call him my husband for the rest of my life".
The jeweler smiles softly while putting the ring in a blue box with a golden inscription on the top. Soulmates.
"I wish to both of you a happy and long life", he says while giving the package to Pat.
It will be, thinks Pat already imagining his Pran and him betting about who will have white hair first. It will be definitely Pran. He chuckles at the idea. We will be happy because we will be together. I can’t wait to start this new chapter with my Pran. He can already picture Pran with grey hair and a few wrinkles around his cute dimples. He will love to kiss every wrinkle on Pran’s face. Pran would design their house and he would complain when Pat put the new picture frame in the wrong place. They will adopt a dog, and they will name it Dimples – yes Pat has already chosen the name of their future dog – and they also will have a cat – this Pat will let Pran decide the name. Pat is lost in his head filled with pictures about the life he’s going to have with Pran when the cough of the vendor brings him back to reality.
His hands are about to reach the bag with the precious ring in it, when suddenly everything blurs around him, he can’t distinguish the shapes or the face of the man in front of him anymore. He starts to see white stains obstructing his sight. Then an unbearable pain strikes him in the chest, cutting off his breath. He can’t feel his legs anymore and his knees drop to the floor. All the sounds are attenuated as if he was underwater. Everything seems so far away. The darkness slowly surrounds him until he can see nothing but black everywhere. Pat is disconnected from reality; his mind drifts away until he loses consciousness of the world around him, drowning in a deep abyss.
~ At the same time, somewhere else in Bangkok ~
“And now the new medical procedure which is much contested. Today, hundreds of citizens went down in the streets to manifest against this decision of the Health Instance. This procedure would violate one of the most important ethical principles of medicine. The population doesn’t understand how the government could accept such-“
Pran turns off the TV and sighs. It’s almost 8 pm and Pat isn't home yet. Usually, he would send at least a text to warn he would be late, accompanied by an annoyingly cute selfie. He didn’t even reply to his last text asking him to choose between curry or wonton noodles for tonight. Pran is starting to worry. He is feeling uneasy, and his silence of Pat isn’t reassuring. Something is wrong.
It has been now six years since he came back from Singapore and moved in with Pat, and in six years, it’s only the second time Pat is unreachable. The first time, a teenager asked Pat for his phone to call his parents and Pat gave him without hesitation, only wishing to help the kid, but the said kid hit him and ran away with the phone. Pran smiles at the memory of his Pat returning home, whining, and giving him hurt puppy eyes.
The ringtone of his phone pulls Pran out of his thoughts. Thinking and hoping it’s finally Pat, he doesn’t even bother to check the name on it. He immediately picks up.
"Pat, why aren’t you answering your phone? The curry is already cold." I’m worried silly. Hurry home, please. I miss you.
"Are you Mr. Parakul Siridechawat ?" an unknown voice asks at the other end of the line.
Pran frowns and checks the screen. An unknown number. At this hour. Why are they calling at this hour, don’t they know it’s disrespectful? Even if Pran is annoyed, somehow, he feels a weird panic inside his chest. Something is wrong. I have a bad feeling.
"Yes, you’re talking to him".
"You are the emergency contact of Napat Jindapat. He is at the Bangkok hospital right now. You need to come and-"
"Is he fine ? What happened ? How is he ?” Pran cut her off, feeling the anguish rise inside his bones.
"Sorry I can't tell you this on the phone-".
Pran doesn't wait for the end, and he rushes out as fast as he can heading to the hospital. His head is filled with the worst scenarios. Please, he has to be fine. He has to be fine. He has to be fine. Don’t take him away from me.
~ One month later ~
"There is no treatment. The only solution is heart transplantation. I will put you on the list and hopefully, we will find a compatible donor.” The doctor says emphatically watching the two men in front of him.
Pran is holding Pat’s hand tightly. Pat is laying in his hospital bed. It has been one month since the incident and Pat is still at the hospital. One month that Pran is staying at the hospital with Pat, not wanting to leave him. One month since the beginning of their nightmare.
"How long ?" Pran asks "How long until we find a donor ?"
"Usually it takes 1 year, sometimes more…"
"But you’ve just said he has just a few months to live ! How can he wait one year ? Can't you put him at the top ? It's an emergency !", roars Pran angrily. If it takes that long, why would the doctor even bother to put Pat on the list ? Why was he giving them hope if there was any ?
Why does this happened to Pat ? Why does this happen to us ?
"Sorry. Many patients are in the same case as your boyfriend. We can't do that." Despite Pran’s desperate shouting, the doctor remains calm. He seems used to announcing bad news. He seems used to seeing people crumbling in front of him. He is used to dealing with death. Pat and Pran are no different.
"But, Pat is-"
"Pran, baby, stop," Pat says softly while squeezing his hand harder to calm Pran. "We understand doctor. Thank you for your time. You can go now. " The doctor nods, says goodbye, and leaves the room.
"Pat ! there must be a solution ! I will try to find someone, maybe in the US it would be quicker and-"
"Pran, this is the 6th doctor we are seeing, and they all told us the same thing. My father already tried to call his contacts overseas. All gave the same answer. I need a new heart. "
Pran has tears in his eyes.
"It's unfair, after all, we went through... now we can be together... why ?"
Pat put a reassuring smile on his face.
"Baby, I'm not dead yet, we will overcome this. We will find a donor, don't worry."
Pran is now hugging Pat.
"Please, I can't live without you. Pat please, promise everything will be all right. Promise me you will live."
"Pran, I promise," says Pat not believing his own words. He won’t be able to keep his promise, the pain in his chest reminding him constantly.
His heart is hurting, because of the disease, of course, but mostly because he knows the time he has left is limited. Pran falls asleep in his arms. He is doing so much that he forgets to sleep or to even eat. Seeing him like this is heartbreaking. Pat is looking at Pran, a painful smile on his face and tears threatening to drop from his eyes. The most difficult thing in this situation isn't the fact he is laying here, in this hospital room. It isn't all these machines beeping all day. It isn't the thought of dying. It’s leaving Pran alone and crushing his heart in a million pieces unable to stop the process. The thought of Pran, totally broken and alone in this world is wrecking him. He knows that the most difficult will be for Pran. Pran will have to learn to live without him, to live in a world where he is not here. And Pat knows he wouldn’t be able to do that if the situation was reversed.
"You're the best thing it has ever happened to me. You're the only thing that matters to me. Pran, I love you so much." He whispers in Pran’s ears just before letting the sleep gains him and closing his eyes.
I can't imagine a world with you gone
The joy and the chaos, the demons we're made of
I'd be so lost if you left me alone…
They pull you in to feel your heartbeat...
Can you hear me screaming, "Please don't leave me!"
I don't wanna let go
I know I'm not that strong
I just wanna hear you
Saying, "Baby, let's go home."
"Let's go home"
Yeah, I just wanna take you home
Hold on, I still want you
Come back, I still need you
CHORD OVERSTREET - HOLD ON
~ Weeks later ~
Pran is coming back from getting some drinks for Pat when he sees Ink and Pa leaving the room. He is about to salute them but when the door closed, Pa breaks in tears into Ink’s arms.
“It's ok love”, she says while caressing gently Pa’s head.
“Ink, he won't be here for our wedding. I can't. I can't lose him.”
The words are almost inaudible because of the sobs, but Pran is still able to understand, and his heart crushes a little more. Pran knows he probably shouldn't eavesdrop. He waits for the girls to leave; he couldn’t face them. He couldn’t face that his Pat is dying. He couldn’t accept it. Pran tries to hold back his tears. He already cried so much these past few months. He cried every time the doctor said to them there is nothing else to do more than wait. He cried every time one of the machines makes a weird sound thinking that Pat's heart is about to stop. He cried every time he saw in Pat’s eyes that he accepted the situation, that he will die. He cried every day because the time flies too fast and he is unable to stop it. He cried every time he woke up in panic during the night, checking if Pat's heart was still beating.
He is breathing heavily, his vision becomes darker, and he can’t focus on anything. His heart is noisy and beating hard in his chest, so hard he can feel the beating inside his veins. He needs to do something, anything. He needs to get away from here and breathe some fresh air. He needs to stop feeling trapped but he can’t. He won’t. He would never leave him alone here. Not here. Not like this. Not ever. So he closes his eyes and tries to stabilize his breath. He tries to visualize the face of his love, to remember the happy memories they have together. The beach. Just the two of them. When they were happy and free. Healthy. Far away from this nightmare. The song of the waves breaking down along the shore mixed with Pat’s laugh, the warmth of the sand, and the caress of the sun on their skin.
His breathing is now steadier, almost normal. Since Pat is at the hospital, Pran is having panic attacks more often. He hasn’t told Pat. Why would he ? Pat would be worried and Pran doesn’t want that. Anxiety is an old friend after all. Pat has more important to focus on than his boyfriend and anxiety. Plus, knowing him, Pat would probably feel guilty, thinking it’s his fault and it would make things worse. So he keeps this for himself. Nobody has to know. He must be strong for Pat. He can’t crumble.
Pran tries to breathe slowly, wanting to regain some composure before entering Pat’s room.
He focuses his glance on one of the protestor’s signs against the new medical procedure, glued on the wall “We are doctors not executors”. Pran stays a few minutes looking at it. Then he takes a deep breath and walks toward the room of his Pat. Be strong, Pran.
~ Later in the day ~
Pran lies in bed with Pat. It's a single bed so they are a bit cramped. Not as if, they mind being this close. Even in their bed at home they don't use all the place because they can't sleep if they are not glued together, holding each other tightly. Pat has his head in the crook of Pran's neck, sniffing him, his smell makes him feel safe. Pat continues to rub his nose on Pran’s neck. Pran smells so good. I can’t have enough.
And like a pavlovian reflex, Pat starts to feel horny. He tries to get closer to Pran as possible. He leaves some soft kisses at the junction of his lover’s neck and shoulder. Pran lets more place for Pat to kiss him. Pat leaves a trail of kisses from the shoulder, the neck, the jaw, and the cheek, then he stops and stares at Pran. He closes the distance between them, kisses him, sucking his bottom lips. Their tongues caressing each other, dancing together. Pran lets out a moan. Pat starts to put his hands under Pran’s shirt, caressing his soft skin.
Since he is at the hospital, they hadn’t made out. Not that they didn't want to but the situation wasn't ideal. Pat tried several times to start something, but Pran always stopped him afraid he will hurt Pat if they go further. Pat tries to climb on top of Pran, and Pran breaks the kiss leading to Pat letting out a plea.
“Pat...” he says softly caressing the cheek of his boyfriend. “We can't. Not here. Not with you like this.”
It has been months since they have done nothing. He is only human. He has needs. Especially when his boyfriend is so beautiful. He loves him so much that sometimes he is losing his breath. Hopefully, there are still things they can do.
"No exercise or intense effort for your body," said the doctor.
" What about sex ? " had asked shamelessly Pat while looking at Pran.
"I wouldn't recommend it. It could be too intense and weaken your heart"
"But-"
"You can still do some things with your boyfriend as long as you’re not straining yourself"
Pat sighs and Pran nods.
“Pran I want you. It has been so long, it drives me crazy.”
“I know” answers Pran still his hand on Pat's cheek then he sighs. “We can't go all the way, but that doesn't mean we can't do nothing”, says Pran with a smirk. The kind of smirk that lights up the fire inside Pat. Dangerous.
Pran moves closer to Pat and whispers in his ear, "let me take care of you, my love". Pat can't contain the shiver along his spine.
“Baby... please."
Pat begs. Pat wants more than just a few kisses. He needs to touch his boyfriend, to become one with him, to make love with him. He wants to have wild sex again, like before, like when Pran was cornering him against the wall or the kitchen counter and was aggressively kissing him while removing his clothes. He wants to be fucked hard against the sheets. He wants his body to hurt because of intense sex. Pran is probably missing their sex life as much as him. Pat knows it by feeling the hardness between Pran’s legs after just a few heated kisses.
Pran is kissing his entire body, slowly, meticulously, going down. Pat feels the wet lips of his boyfriend kissing his tights, sucking the skin while going up near his crotch. Pat lets out a moan, his hands in Pran's hair, forgetting everything except Pran.
~
Pat is breathless after his orgasm caused by Pran’s wonderful mouth. Pat is laying on Pran’s chest, playing with one of Pran’s hands. He loves him so much. They stay like this for what feels like hours, but it is still too short for Pat. Then he raises his head and looks at Pran, his beautiful boyfriend. Pran smiles softly, his eyes filled with love.
“Pran, will you marry me ?”
Pat asks softly caressing gently his cheeks. Pran, head up, looks at Pat as if he is missing something. Pat smiles. Of course, Pran doesn’t expect a proposal right now.
“Go look in the bag Pa brought me today”, Pat says instead of answering Pran’s silent question. Pran nods and slowly moves to reach the bag. He opens it and sees a little box. Soulmates.
“Open it baby, it's for you”.
Pran opens it, not saying a word. Too many emotions are threatening to drown him.
“The day this happened,” Pat says showing his chest, “I was in a jewelry store choosing this for you. I was planning to propose during our weekend at the beach. I even asked Uncle Thong to help me settle some lights”.
Pran remains silent while staring at the ring. A lonely tears is falling across his cheek.
“But I guess the Universe had other plans for us”, Pat chuckles sadly. Pran's heart is crying and screaming.
“I thought about this for so long, if I should propose here or wait for a better time”, now it’s Pat who is crying. “I didn't want our engagement here, in this hospital. But I don't want to never call you my husband. Things will be all right, but if... if not, I want to call you my husband at least once. I want to be with you, even after death. I want to know nothing will tear us apart because I love you so much, so so so much Pran. I-“
Pran kisses Pat with everything he got, desperately and crying. After several minutes of kissing, Pran lets his forehead rests on Pat's.
“Yes”, he whispers. “Yes, I will marry you my love. My Pat.”
~ Wedding day ~
They have a small ceremony the week after, with the family and friends in the hospital yard, with nurses and doctors watching from afar. Pat is sitting in a wheelchair and machines are still plugged to him. It’s the only condition they had to agree to.
“I promise you we will have a better ceremony when I will be out of here”, Pat murmurs when Pran leans to kiss.
“I want us to promise to love each other even after death and in all our next lives. Forever my love. I will love you forever. Nothing in the Universe will keep me apart from you, not even death. Pran, it's you and me, against everything, forever” says softly Pat.
Pran uses his voice, his song to tell Pat how much he loves him. He uses their favorite thing. Music.
Empty feeling was around me
Aimless life just had no meaning
And my heart was beating slow,
You came and rescued my soul,
You loved me back to life
You're the morning winter sunrise,
Keep me warm in freezing cold time
You are heaven-sent, you see?
You mean the world for me, you bring me brighter sky
If I describe, this great love of mine,
I would say
You're the air
So I can breathe just fine.
Can't go on if you're gone away, I won't be ok
No way I can survive.
Without you
I can't breathe, I would die
Have I ever told how much I need you in my life?
And I just long for you.
You're my oxygen
You're my oxygen,
You're my oxygen,
You're my oxygen,
You're my oxygen,
You're my oxygen,
Pran can't live without him. Pran wants to offer his heart for Pat to live. Pat is his oxygen.
They both know that their time is limited. They both know death would arrive sooner than they expected.
~ 2 weeks later ~
One night Pat’s heart stops. The alarming sound of the machines wakes up Pran. He calls immediately the doctors and the nurses totally panicked. He is crying and screaming to Pat to stay with him, to not leave him. Pran couldn’t breathe correctly as he watches the doctors and nurses rushing inside the room. He is shouting to everyone to save him. Pran is usually so good at hiding his emotions and staying calm, but every wall is crumbling down to dust, and he is now unable to keep his self-control.
“Please sir, I know it’s difficult but you are disturbing the doctors, you will have to wait outside if you can’t remain calm,” a nurse says to him as gently as possible but it just makes Pran angrier, he couldn’t leave Pat’s side, never. He stands immobile in the middle of the room, crying and trying to hold back the agonizing screams he is feeling in his entire body. He is crying his soul out. He couldn't breathe. He couldn't see anything.
It took 6 minutes before Pat’s heart is beating again. 6 minutes but for Pran, it seemed like it was endless. An eternity.
“We sedate him,” says one of the doctors to Pran, “he will probably be asleep for a day or two, please call us when he is waking up. We need to check that the heart attack didn’t cause any brain damage.” Pran nods without really hearing what he just told him, too crushed to care. When he is alone in the room, he rushes next to the bed and grabs Pat’s hand.
“Pat… I won’t be able to survive. I’m not strong enough. I’m sorry my love”. This night and the next one, Pran is unable to sleep, he just stares at his husband scared he would disappear if he was looking away for just one second.
Pat wakes up after two days, he is still smiling and reassuring Pran. "Everything gonna be all right baby," he says. And if he wasn’t laying in this cursed hospital bed, Pran would punch him for filling him with false hopes and breaking him into pieces. But all he does is kiss tenderly the lips of his husband, holding back the sobs “Pat, I love you”.
A few weeks later, Pat has a heart attack again. This time the nurses have to drag Pran away because he is totally losing his mind. After 12 agonizing minutes, the doctor leaves the room.
“He is stabilized but I don’t think we will be able to revive his heart next time” Pran hears them say as they are passing next to him. He goes back to the room, broken.
Pran watches Pat sleep for hours. He tries to imagine his life without this beautiful boy. The love of his life. His soulmate. He couldn't. Everything is dark. He can’t remember a part of his life when Pat wasn't here. Even when he was sent away to this boarding school, he still hoped to see him during the holidays through the windows or to hear his drums. His head has always been filled with Pat since forever.
Pran feels like he is drowning like he couldn't breathe anymore like he is agonizing, the pain in his heart is never-ending. He can't continue like this. He doesn’t want to live in a world where Pat isn’t alive. While looking at him sleeping, he takes a decision for Pat and for himself.
~ A few hours later in the doctor’s office ~
“ I want to do it”, Pran says with determination to the doctor.
The man is looking at him with a neutral face, waiting for more.
“I heard about this new medical procedure. I know also you’re one of the only hospitals in the country authorized to perform it. I want Pat to receive this surgery.”
“Have you though through ? It’s irreversible. You can’t take this decision lightly”.
“I know” answers Pran. “Pat has to live. People need him.”
“And you ?”
“I won’t be able to live if he dies” he declares calmly. The doctor nods and gives Pran a document.
“Fine. You will have to answer these questions and do these tests to know if you’re eligible for the procedure. If it’s the case, we can do the surgery next month”.
“Thank you, doctor. Please can we keep this between us ? I don’t want Pat to know. Not yet at least.”
“ Of course. Medical privacy. But I would advise you to discuss it with him before. You understand what I mean ?” says the doctor a paper in his hand.
Pran nods knowing he won’t tell a word to Pat. If he does, Pat would stop him. He can’t have that happening.
A Life for A Life. Medical death is now authorized. You can also give away your vital organs while you’re still alive. It’s a way to save the lives of people you love. It’s a way if you don’t want to live anymore, to help others in need, while doctors set you free from your hell. The government accepted the motion but it has to be regulated. Only Bangkok hospital will be authorized to perform it.
Pran finished reading the leaflet handed by the doctor and leaves the room. This time he doesn’t stop when he sees the protest sign “Taking a life to save one is not the solution”.
~ Two week later – 8th of June ~
It has been a week since Pat’s last heart failure. He is still weak but never loses his smile and still joking around. Friends are coming often to see him. Pran hasn’t left his side even when Pat’s parents came. Usually, he was leaving the room to give them some privacy, feeling he was not so welcomed here, but now he doesn’t care. He just wants to be with Pat as long as possible. After the parents have left, Pran sits on the chair next to Pat, with his guitar in his hands. Pat rises an eyebrow and smiles.
“Our song ?” he asks.
Since the first weeks at the hospital, Pran brought his guitar because Pat didn’t stop asking him to play and saying “Hearing you sing will probably heal me faster because you are the only cure I need Pran”. And even if Pran protested saying it will probably bother other people in the hospital, the next day the guitar was in Pat’s room, and never left it. Like Pran.
“Not this time. I wrote a new song”, Pran says with a tiny smile. For you. He doesn’t have to be precise because every single song he has ever written until now is for and about Pat. In the past years he wrote twenty-two songs, every single one of them was inspired by his husband. This one, he was about to sing is the number twenty-three.
Pran doesn’t let time to Pat to answer, he starts playing the first chords, and the melody rise in the silence of the room. Pat is staring at him with all the love in his eyes.
Inside my heart clouds are rising,
The rain in my chest seems endless
The nightmare we are in, are we gonna wake up one day ?
Even if it seems hopeless, your smile never fades away
I wonder how you can be so strong while I'm crumbling
You always tell me everything's gonna be alright
But now it's my turn baby,
Let me take your hand and guide you to the light
Let me save you from the darkness of this life
I will never leave your side until the end of time
Even in the next life, we are meant to be together my love
A lonely tear is rolling down Pat’s cheek. Pran is singing, looking at Pat. Not a single second he turns his gaze away from his husband. He wants to convey all his feelings through his voice, his song, his eyes, and every part of his soul. It’s a message for Pat. It is maybe the more significant song he has ever written.
My heart belongs to you since the day you smiled at me
You are my sun, my universe, my reason to live, my everything
My safe place, my muse, my soulmate
There is nothing in this world I wouldn't do for you baby, so
Let me take your hand and guide you to the light
Let me save you from the darkness of this life
I will never leave your side until the end of time
Even in the next life, we are meant to be together my love
The emotion is intense. Pran starts to feel like he is about to cry. But he can’t, he has to finish singing this song. His goodbye. It has to be perfect. He can’t break now. Even if Pat is now sobbing and all he wants is to hug him tight.
Nothing will tear us apart, even the thunder in your chest,
I promise you baby, just lay on me, and the sun will shine again
You are my miracle, so let me be yours, my love
We are stronger than death, don't let go of my hand
Stay by my side and everything is gonna be all right
You're the strong one but for you my love, I won't shatter so
Let me take your hand and guide you to the light
Let me save you from the darkness of this life
I will never leave your side until the end of time
Even in the next life, we are meant to be together my love
The song is nearly at the end. Pran can’t hold back his tears anymore. Some roll on his face, but nothing is troubling from singing this song to Pat. His voice remains steady, and his look focus on his muse, on his Pat.
I will erase your tears and your pain
I won't let you say goodbye (first)
My love for you is infinite
So let me hold you
Let me kiss you
In every one of our lives
Until the end of the world
I love you
They spend several hours, in silence, holding on to each other, crying. When Pat finally drifts to sleep, Pran kisses his forehead "Pardon me. I love you my Pat. I love you so much" and Pran leaves the room with a last goodbye and tears drowning his face.
~
Pat wakes up alone in his room. Pran isn’t here. It is unusual. He never leaves this room, except when he needs to buy some food or goes to his parents’ place. Pran convinced his office to work from here and he even takes his shower here. No messages. No warnings. Strange. Where did he go ? While he is checking his phone again to contact Pran, the doctor enters in the room, without even knocking, and rushes toward the bed.
“We have a heart for you, Napat.”
What ? WHAT ? Pat can’t believe it. Is it real ? It’s not a dream, right ? He heard right ? Didn’t they say he has to wait for 1 year ? How ? He has to tell Pran.
“I thought…one year…how?... that means I will live ? “ he stumbles with his words.
Pat is crying with relief and joy. Maybe the universe is finally by their sides. Pran and him, together.
“Yes, you will live”, the doctor answers coldly but right now Pat doesn’t care. He will live. That’s the only thing that matters.
“I need to tell Pran. Where is Pran ? Let me call him”.
He calls Pran faster than ever. No answer. He tries several times, but no answer. Silence. He tries again and again. Nothing.
“We can’t wait any longer. We have to start the surgery now”, the doctor informs him with a strange voice.
Pat texts Pran, Baby, they found a heart for me. I will live. We can have our happy ending. I love you. Come back quickly. He sends the message, hoping to see Pran when he will wake up, with his new heart. He can finally live longer with the man he loves. He won’t leave Pran alone. They can love each other longer. They can have their beautiful wedding. They can have everything. Pat is so happy.
“Thank you doctor, thank you”, whispers Pat as he is being brought to the block, tears on his face. “See you soon my Pran.”
~ After the surgery ~
Pran isn’t here. Again. Pat is awake and Pran isn’t in the room. His family is here, but Pran is nowhere to be found. Maybe Pat is too groggy to see him ? He doesn’t even have the force to check his phone. With the meds being strong he gets back to sleep.
During the following days, he wakes up for a few hours before being dragged into sleep again. Pran never showed up. Not once. His parents, Pa and Ink are always here. No Pran. Despite being weak and always asleep, in the few moments of consciousness, Pat is worried sick. He asks everyone around him when the medication allows him to speak, but the usual answer is “rest first, and we will tell you everything later. Don’t worry about Pran”. Pran, where are you ? Something is terribly wrong. He has a new heart, and he will live longer but he can’t possibly celebrate when his Pran isn’t by his side. Pran would never leave him, here, alone and for this long. Pat is missing something that everyone else seems to know. This is not right.
It has been a week. Still no Pran. Where is Pran ? Pat is stable now and in a few days he can leave the hospital and return home. My home is Pran. Where is my Pran ? The doctor is doing the daily check-ups, as usual, but when he finishes he hands a letter to Pat.
“Your husband asked me to wait before giving you this. I think I’ve waited long enough. If you need me, I would be behind the door.”
Pat’s heart drops in his chest. Why Pran would give him a letter instead of being here with him ? What is happening ? Anxiety is making Pat wanting to throw up. He opens the letter and starts reading.
“My beloved Pat, I love you. I’m sorry I’m not here when you wake up. You must have so many questions. I hope this letter will answer them. But you won’t like them. You will hate them. You will probably hate me too. Maybe it’s for the best. If you hate me, it will be easier for you. “
Pat feels sick. He knows something is wrong. Where is his Pran ? And why would he hate Pran ? How could it possible ? He doesn’t understand a single thing but the new heart aches in his chest. He is scared. He continues reading while his hands are trembling.
“First, I made that choice so don’t hate yourself, ok baby ? The decision is only mine. It’s the most selfish decision I made, it will hurt you, and I’m so sorry for that. But in no universe, I will regret this choice. You’re probably asking where I am right now ? I’m here with you. I’m here with you until the end of your life. I love you so much my Pat.”
Pat is crying now. Why is he crying ? Why does this letter sound like a goodbye ? Why does it sound like he would never see Pran again ? What is happening ?
“When you were first diagnosed with this disease, my world crumbled. Everything shattered. Everything felt so wrong. I couldn’t breathe anymore. Just imagining living in a world where you wouldn’t be in it, it was killing me. I really tried to hope. I really tried to be strong. No to be a coward running away from the pain. But when your heart stopped for the third time and the doctors took so much time to reanimate you, I really thought about taking my own life to join you. It scared me. I can’t live without you. I know it’s the same for you. And that’s why I’m sorry. Sorry for being a coward and forcing you to live what I couldn’t face. I did the most selfish thing.”
Pat takes a break from reading because the tears in his eyes obstruct his vision. He breathes harder, hands trembling and sobbing. What is Pran trying to say ?
“Have you heard of this new medical procedure ? The one allowing people to give their vital organs, like a heart, while they are still alive ? The one unofficially called A Life for A Life ?”
No. No. No. NO ! Pat is terrified to understand. The letter is torn in his hands because of his strong grip. The tears were falling without stopping. Pat wants to scream. The pain in his chest is unbearable. Pran couldn’t have done that. Pran would never let him. This letter is a lie. It’s a nightmare.
“It’s true, Pat. It’s not a lie. I did the procedure. Pat, my love, you’ve always been the right owner of my heart. My heart has always been and always will be yours only. It had never been mine in the first place. Take care of it as you did all these years. Live. My Pat, my love, I love you so much. So much. But maybe not enough to let you go before me. Sorry. I’m so sorry Pat.“
The writing starts to crumble and being unsteady. Like if the author was crying while writing it. The paper is wet with Pat’s tears but also with Pran’s. Pat is feeling his world being tear apart. He wants to rip off his new heart out of his chest because everything is agonizing inside him. He can barely see anything because of his wet eyes. He is trying to breathe but he can’t. He is grabbing the letter as a lifeboat.
“I know nothing I will say could ease your pain. I love you Pat and for eternity. I’m sure in our next life we will have our happy ending. My Pat, I love you. I love you. I love you. Your Pran.”
“Where is Pran ? Where is my Pran ? Pran where are you ? Pran ! Pran !”
Pat is now yelling, trying to stand up but all the machines are holding him back. Where is Pran ? He needs to see Pran, to see if Pran is fine and if all this is just a nightmare. It isn’t real. He is still in the block in the middle of surgery, dreaming, and when he will wake up, Pran will be here. Pran couldn’t have done this. His Pran won’t leave him alone here. In this life. He can’t live without his Pran. He can’t live without Pran. He can’t. He can’t. He can’t. He can’t.
“Pran ! Pran come back to me please ! Pran… Pran I can’t… I can’t without you.” Pat is clutching his chest, trying to tear away his gown and the new heart he received. Pran’s heart. “I don’t want his heart ! I want my Pran ! Give me back my Pran !”
Because of the noise, the doctor enters the room. He sedates Pat so that he doesn’t hurt himself. Pat falls slowly asleep, still calling for Pran, the letter against his chest and the face drowned in tears.
~ 6 months later ~
After he read this letter, everything went blank. It’s like it’s not his life anymore. He is watching someone else in his body. He is nothing. Without Pran he is lifeless.
“Pat, please eat something. We are worried,” his mum says.
Pat doesn’t answer. He is staring at a point on the wall. Pat hasn’t cried since that day. He hasn’t talked either. He is barely moving by himself. He is just sitting, staring at the wall. Doctors said it’s probably post-traumatic stress, due to the whole situation, due to the shock. Pran’s death.
“Pat, it’s been 6 months and you haven’t said a thing. Pat please, you know Pran wouldn’t want this. He offers you the most precious thing in the world. You have to live. Please Pat“, almost every day, his mother begs him to come back and be the Pat he was before. He can’t. He never will be this Pat anymore.
Pat still doesn’t answer nor look at her. He wants to erase everything. He wants to be with Pran. He wants to see his Pran. He wants to see his dimples again. He wants to hear his laugh while he is tickling him. He wants to bicker with him about everything. He wants to feel his soft touch and kisses on his skin. He wants to smell his neck and make him chuckle. He wants to intertwine his hand with Pran’s. He wants to see Pran pouting seeing his first white hair. He wants Pran. He needs Pran.
Even after what Pran did, his decision, Pat couldn’t hate him. He isn’t angry, anymore. He knows he would have done the same thing for Pran.
He sees everyone around him worrying, coming and trying to help him, but he can’t. He can’t. Pa comes every day, telling about her day, about the new job of Ink, and about the wedding preparations “We will wait for you to get better hia. I want you do be there. I want you to embarrass me with your speech”. Ink always ends up hugging Pa, drying her tears “Pat, you’re making my fiancé sad. I don’t like that.”
Korn and the gang come regularly. They try to joke around but Pat stays silent “We miss you bro”. They update Pat about Mo’s heartbreaks and football match results. The first time Wai came, he was angry and tried to punch Pat in the face “Hey ! Bastard ! He sacrificed himself for you and you are just here like a fucking ghost ? Are you serious ? Take a hold on yourself ! If not for yourself at least for Pran ! You think he would happy if he knew that ?”. Pat didn’t move. He didn’t care. He even thought Wai was right and that he deserved the punch. Maybe a punch would help him feels something more than the emptiness inside his soul.
I know. I know all this. Everything you say, I know that, but I don't have any energy left. I'm a prisoner in my own mind. I'm suffering so much. I can take the pain. I can take the pain, for him. For Pran. But don't ask me to smile or to be happy. I can't. Not now. Not yet. It’s too soon. Pran is gone and it's my fault. If my heart wasn't weak; if I was stronger everything would have been different.
Pran asked him to take care of his heart. Pat will take care of it. For Pran. However, he can’t do more. He doesn’t have the strength to do more. The whole world turned black and there is no light anymore. There is no Pran anymore. Pran isn’t here anymore. Pat feels like an empty shell. All his life he had Pran. All his life he looked at Pran. Pran was his life. Pran is his life.
Pat just wants to close his eyes and let the pain go away. He wants to cry but nothing goes out. It is like he is stuck in a lifeless body and can't escape his fate. He wishes for something to get him out of this trap.
He is feeling guilty. It's because his heart was weak and sick that Pran is not by his side anymore. It's because Pran loved - loves - him so much that he gave his heart and his life to Pat. They were all right: he is Pran's jinx. He was his bad luck. Pat is the reason why Pran died. Pran’s death is my fault. Pat hates himself. He should have known what Pran was planning to do. He should have known and stopped him. He should be the one in the grave 6-feet under the ground. He will never forgive himself. He will never forgive his body to be this weak.
I know what you're thinking Pat, it was my decision. It’s not your fault. Don't hate yourself. Please, live. For me. Pran’s voice in his head was so far away, unreachable.
In his heart, Pat knows he would have done the same thing for Pran. He would have ripped his heart out of his chest and offer him a silver plate, without him asking. And he would have been so happy to do this. So he understands Pran’s decision. He will live because now Pran's heart was beating in his chest and he was the only thing Pran left, except sadness and heartbreak. So he will live as long as his body allows him to. He won't try to end his life. Never. But he knows he will never be happy as he was with Pran. He knows he will never hold someone in his arms and whisper "I love you" while falling asleep. He knows this pain in his chest won't stop until his last breath. He knows all of that.
People said we can overcome grief with time. They said that it's possible to love again. But not for Pat. He doesn't even want to. He lost the most important part of himself. His soulmate.
Maybe in a few years he could manage to spend a day without crying every time he thinks about Pran. Maybe he will be able to laugh again at Korn’s jokes and mock Wai. Maybe he will have enough strength to go to his grave and apologize to Pran’s parents. But for now, he can just endure the pain his way.
Pat takes his necklace inside his hand and holds it tight. Pran’s ring. He keeps it near his heart, near Pran's heart. At least, Pran is probably somewhere nice, where he is happy. Pran scarified so much, it's impossible the Universe doesn't reward him. Maybe Pran is waiting for him so they can go to their next life together ? I’m delirious. Is reincarnation even a real thing ?
Pat can't stop replaying every single one of his memories with Pran, because he will never be able to create new ones. The past is all he can grab as a lifeboat to not drown and lose completely his mind.
~ 4 Years ago ~
Pran is working, sitting at the desk, focusing, and mumbling something to himself. Pat is sitting on the bed, playing on his phone. Then he raises his head and looks at his beautiful boyfriend. He is so lucky. How on earth it's possible to love someone this much ? and this person loves him back ?
Pran is writing something and doesn't hear his boyfriend moving closer to him. Pat drapes his arms around Pran.
“Baby, it's time to sleep. It's almost 1 a.m. You need some rest.”
“I have to correct this-“
“Pran, come to bed. This project is for next month and you already finished it and it's perfect. Stop and sleep” says Pat, his chin resting on Pran’s shoulder.
“I'm not tired”, answers Pran, trying to contain a yawn.
“You are. And if you don't come by yourself, I will carry you”, Pat whispers in Pran's ear. Pran finally turns his head to look at Pat and sighs giving in.
“Ok, fine. I'm coming”.
Pat smiles and still hugs his boyfriend while the said boyfriend is ordering his stuff for tomorrow.
“You know you are so sexy when you are in full architect mode”, Pat tells him fondly.
Pran blushes feeling shivers along his body and then tries to get composure of himself. Years and Pat’s words have still a strong effect on him. He is so whipped.
“If you want me to sleep you can't say this kind of thing, Pat”.
“Why ?” Pat smirks.
“You know very well why.”
Yes, Pat knows very well. At first, he just wanted to tease his boyfriend but now, having some sleep seems less appealing than pushing his Pran onto the bed and freeing him of his clothes.
---
Pat remembers the day he tried to cook for Pran, and Pran was behind him, watching his every move. Without warning, Pran had put sauce everywhere on Pat’s face. They laughed so much and started fighting-spreading sauce everywhere. The fight ended with Pran kissing Pat and Pat melting under his boyfriend’s lips. Leaving all cooking projects behind.
He also remembers the time Pran came back from Singapore without telling him. Pran surprised him in their apartment, just wearing one of Pat’s favorite shirt, leaving his tights in plain sight.
Pat remembers small things like the cute sticky notes Pran left everywhere, his (crazy) cleaning habits, their hands holding in the mall, Pran’s cooking, Pran’s complaining Pat is so clingy, the bet, the flirting even after years together, the late phone calls, the bickering for everything, the kisses, the touches, waking up by Pran’s side every morning while cuddling… He remembers everything.
I miss you, Pran. I miss you so fucking much.
~ 8th June - 1 year since Pran’s death ~
It has been 1 year since Pat hasn’t talked or hasn’t shown any improvement signs. Doctors said, “we need to wait for him to accept his grief”.
It’s been 1 year since Pran gave his heart to Pat. Pat doesn’t feel anything more than what he has been feeling this past year. Dead inside. Every day is the same. So when the door of Pat’s room is opened on Pran’s mother, he is surprised. He doesn’t show any reaction, but inside Pat’s chest, something is changing.
It’s the first time he sees Dissaya since Pran’s death. She is probably here to shout at him, that it’s his fault if their only child is gone. Pran is gone because he loved Pat. Pran sacrificed himself for someone who doesn’t deserve it. Pat already knows that and he would agree with Dissaya. She has every right to come here and yell at him. He wants to yell at himself.
“Hi Pat”, says Dissaya softly. “Your mom told me you haven’t spoken since Pran’s death ?”
Dissaya sits next to Pat, waiting for an answer. It doesn’t come. She nods and smiles sadly. Then she searches for something in her bag and takes an album out. Dissaya moves closer to Pat.
“This is the first album I made for Pran. I thought you maybe wanted to see it ?”
Pat turns his head, eyes on the album. Dissaya opens the book and starts showing him some Pran’s pictures through the years. Sometimes she tells a story of baby-Pran and how he was back then. Pat doesn’t expect that. He doesn’t expect the gentleness and sweet voice. His eyes don’t leave Pran’s album for hours. He listens to every word of Dissaya. And just for a moment, Pat feels again connected with reality.
“I think you remember when Pran was in his spiderman phase and always carries this mask with him,” she asks looking at Pat. Yes, he remembers. He thought Pran was so cool so he bought the same mask but never wore it. Pat stares at child-Pran with his mask in one hand and a big smile on his face.
She continues to talk about Pran and his childhood, and for the first time, Pat is feeling something. Something else.
“If you don’t mind, I would like to come every Friday”, she says while getting up. “I have a lot of stories about Pran to tell you. I also have some videos”, she smiles. “Maybe, when you will be ready, you can share some with me too ?”
Pat doesn’t answer but he turns his gaze to look at Dissaya. Why is she so nice ? She should hate him. Why is she trying to help him ?
For months, Dissaya comes every Friday to talk about Pran. Always a new album or video for Pat to see. Always a new story. Always so nice, Pat is wondering who is this woman. Why is she here ? Until one day, Pat couldn’t resist asking any longer.
“You’re not angry with me ?” asks Pat. They are the first words he said in more than a year. His voice sounds out weird and rough but he doesn’t care. Then he turns his head to watch Dissaya. He stares at her with intensity and tears in his eyes. She seems shocked.
“I’m the reason why Pran is dead. Why don’t you hate me ? I hate myself. Why don’t you ?” Pat continues. He is now crying, the dam holding everything has broken. He sobs hard. Dissaya hugs him, stroking his hair, trying to comfort him. Now that Pat has opened the door to his emotions, he can’t stop the tears and the cries. He cries everything out. He cries until every part of his body hurts.
“I miss him so much. I miss him so fucking much. It’s killing me. This is all my fault.” He couldn’t stop repeating this. Dissaya doesn’t say a word, she remains silent while hugging him tightly. Pat falls asleep in her arms, still crying.
Dissaya leaves the room after putting Pat in his bed. When she closes the door, a tear rolls down her cheek. She takes a paper out from her bag. Pran’s letter. Pran left her a letter the day he gave his heart away. The day her beautiful child left her side. A letter asking to take care of Pat as her own son.
“Mae,
…
Now I’m a part of Pat, please take care of him like your own son. He will need you and I believe you are the only one who can help him in his grief. You are both the people who love me the most in the world.
…
I love you.
Your beloved son, Pran.”
“Pran… the world misses you”, she whispers before wiping her tears away and leaving.
~
Pat is getting better month after month, step by step: he starts to talk again with people, sometimes he even laughs at one of Korn’s jokes, he goes outside with Ink and Pa to eat sweets, he goes to a football match with his father, he helps his mother cooking and plays rugby with Wai. Even if he is crying every night, Pat is getting better.
A few days ago, he went to Pran’s grave for the first time. Dissaya waited for him in the car, giving him some privacy but she stayed here in case he needed her. He could voice out all his feelings to Pran. Everything.
I love you.
I miss you so much.
I’m mad at you.
Why did you take the decision for both of us ?
I would have done the same.
I forgive you.
I love you so much.
I promise you I will try to live the life we dreamed.
I will try to learn to be happy without you, for you.
I love you.
Pran, I miss you.
I know you will be my only love, the last one. Because my heart is yours.
I want to hold you. I miss everything.
I miss you.
I love you, my Pran.
Pat hoped Pran could somehow hear him. He cried a lot. He left the cemetery at the sunset, exhausted from all the emotions.
~ 3 Years since Pran's death ~
Pran chuckled and climbed on top of him. Instinctively, Pat put his hands on Pran's hips and leaned closer. "You really think you can win against me ?". Pat smirked. Of course not. He lost a long time ago. This night on the rooftop, he lost and this was his sweetest defeat.
Pran still couldn't believe it was real. He still couldn't believe Pat was his. Pat loves him back.This beautiful boy, the man of his dream belongs to him. He belongs to him. And it's real. Pran wanted him to know how happy he was and how much he loves him. "Still thinking about how lucky you are to have a boyfriend this hot ?" . Pat asked while he caught him staring. Pran didn't answer. He just smiled showing his dimples, and caressed Pat's cheek. "I love you so much," Pran said, still looking at Pat.
Pat wakes up, tears in his eyes, pain in his chest. He is sobbing so hard. Years have passed and it hasn't became easier. The wound haven't healed at all and probably would never heal.
~ 10 Years later ~
Pat is sitting in a coffee nearby his office waiting for his date. Korn and Wai insisted "She is your type and she likes you already. Don't you remember her ? She was here at my wedding. She wants to know you. It's been 10 years Pat, you should think about yourself and try to meet someone. You can love again".
No, he can’t and he knows it. It's been years people are saying this. Trying to "help" Pat. But Pat doesn't want this. He just wants Pran and if not he prefers being alone. He feels like these birds able are to love only once and after their partner died, they just wait for their turn. He can't love someone the way he loved Pran. He can't share his life and intimacy with someone else. Impossible.
However his friends were so persistent he accepted, just to have some rest and to turn down the woman, nicely. He isn’t able to fall in love again but he still has respect for others.
He is waiting for her in the coffee when a song catches his attention. Pran’s voice. Pran’s cover of Until Then by Tilly Birds.
From the day you left me onward
Where have you wandered? Have you moved forward?
We never said our goodbyes
Oh how I miss your pretty eyes
A few years ago, when Pat got better, Dissaya gave him a USB device Pran left for him. All of Pran’s songs, originals and covers, were recorded on it. One of Pran’s dreams was to become a musician and bring comfort to people with his songs. So Pat released them in an album called Just Friends? by Pran. However, Pat didn’t reveal Pran’s face or anything about their lives. He just wanted to share his songs for the world to hear them. He didn’t want celebrity. He didn’t want people to think about Pran as “the man who give his life away to save his lover”. Nobody, except family and friends, know who Pran is. That’s better this way.
The mystery around Pran’s identity, made somehow the album even more famous. Now everywhere Pat is going, is hearing Pran's songs, even years after. Like Pran was still here.
Pran’s album was top of the charts for months and Pat used the money to build their dream house, to offer gifts to everyone they love, and to finance research to create artificial hearts so donors won’t be needed anymore. No more sacrifices.
Until then, by Tilly Birds is one of Pran’s favorite songs. Pran told him he was listening to this song in repeat when he had to leave high school - to leave him. Pat could feel the lyrics inside his bones, his chest is compressing while remembering Pran. Even after 10 years, he couldn't listen to this song without crumbling down.
I accept the way things turn out
I never blame you for it, you’re still all I think about
I still miss you just the same
My heart still calls out your name
Until then, the day we meet again
I want to ask if memories of us still remain?
Will you smile for me again?
Until then, the day our destinies redress
I want to ask for one more caress
To remember the way things were
Just the same, never fade away
Just the same, never fade away
Just the same, never fade
Pat starts feeling his tears rolling down his cheeks. He remembers Pran. His smile. His glare. His sleepy face. The look he had when he thought Pat wasn't watching. Filled with love. He misses him so much. How could he possibly love someone else ? His heart belongs to Pran. Literally and figuratively. It has always belonged to him and it always will.
No matter how long, I’ll wait
I still smile at pictures of us
(Pictures of us)
Do you still keep pictures of us?
(Keep pictures of us)
I still have them all
(Have them all)
Pat can't help himself to stare at his phone screen while the tears continue to fill his eyes. On his screen, is a picture he took of Pran on their wedding day. He was smiling, with his dimples out while looking at him with all the love in the universe in his eyes. After this picture was taken, they took one together but Pat didn't like it. He didn't like seeing himself with all these tubes and medical equipment. It reminds him he was at the hospital. It reminds him of how he lost Pran. He wishes they could have removed these nightmare machines at least for a day, for their special day.
Love still lingers in the air
The happiness we used to share
Until then, the day we meet again
I want to ask if memories of us still remain?
Will you smile for me again?
Until then, the day our destinies redress
I want to ask for one more caress
To remember that things are just the same
The sky and the sea have to be apart
The same way we have to play our parts
Though we both have our restarts
But please don’t forget our loving hearts
Until then, the day we meet again
I want to ask if memories of us still remain
Will you smile for me again?
Until then, the day our destinies redress
I want to ask for one more caress
To remember the way things were
Just the same, never fade away
Just the same, never fade away
Just the same, never fade
No matter how long, I’ll wait
Pat is now looking at all his pictures with Pran. He will never be able to have new ones, to have a new memory with the love of his life. How people can say time will heal your wounds ? It has been 10 years and the pain hasn’t changed. He just got used to it. He just learned how to be happy even with this constant pain inside him. In this song, Pran’s voice hits too much; it’s like the ghost of Pran was following him. He can still hear his husband humming this song when he was cleaning their apartment.
Pat is deep inside his memories when a hand on his shoulder brings him back to reality.
“Pat are you ok ?”
The woman. His date. He totally forgot for one moment. What's her name again ? Jin. Pat dries his tears away and smiles weakly, nodding. Jin stares at him and takes place in front of him.
“Do you want to talk about it ?”
Pat shakes his head quickly.
“No, it's fine, I was just thinking about –“
“Pran”, Ying says softly. “It’s him on the radio, right ? ”
Pat looks at her with surprise and even before Pat can say anything, Ying talks again.
“I knew when I was asking you out, I wouldn't stand a chance but… I needed closure. I needed to see you, and try everything even if I knew it was hopeless.” Her smile is sad but understanding. “Pran and you were soulmates. The entire world knows that. I just have to listen to Pran's album to understand that.”
“Ying”, Pat tries to cut her off.
“Thanks for accepting for today. Do you want still have a meal or you prefer being alone ?”
Pat smiles wider than before.
“Thank you Ying, for understanding.” Pat smiles wider than before. “We can still have a meal but-“
“As friends. I know Pat.”
It is the only date Pat went. After that, he turns down everyone. He doesn’t need to be in a romantic relationship to be happy. He isn't alone he has his friends and family. It is enough for him. The void Pran left, only Pran could fill it. His heart indeed belongs to Pran.
Pat’s happiness is in his family. Pa and Ink have three beautiful children, and he always spends time with them, telling stories about Pran, so they can know how wonderful Pran is.
Pat’s happiness is in his friends, they are always here to go with him to watch a rugby match or to have a drink in Wai’s and Korn’s bar. Wai’s wedding is next year and Korn has a little boy. Life is good for everyone.
Pat is thankful to his friends and family. They stayed by his side in his worst moment. And when Pa uses the right detergent for washing Nong Nao, or when Dissaya cooks only his favorites meals, or when Ink brings him to his favorite noodle shop, or when Wai suddenly starts to challenge him in everything, or when Safe knows all his favorites sport’s team, Pat knows there a bit of Pran behind this. He guessed long ago that his husband left letters to everyone and asked all of them to take care of him because Pran couldn’t do it where he is.
He visits Pran’s grave often, telling him about life. It feels like Pran is always with him.
He tries to make the most of his life, for himself and for Pran. To realize their dreams.
Pat built Pran’s (and his) dream house. Pran drew some sketches of the design and thanks to his notes and the help of his friends from Architecture and Engineering, the house was finished pretty quickly. They are all happy to see Pat smile again, even if his smile doesn't reach his eyes like before, at least he isn't a ghost, he has a goal in life again. Even his father and Pran’s helped him with the furniture. The house was built near Thong’s village, on the beach. Their favorite place in the world. Their home. He was seeing Junior and Thong often. Junior even came with his girlfriend for dinner one time.
Pat is almost feeling at home.
"Baby are you seeing this ?" he mutters as he stares at the finished house. "In another universe, you would be my side," he thinks, restraining his tears because he shed enough tears for this life.
Pat works as an engineer, he didn't take over his father's company. He didn't want to. He started his own near the ecovillage, with eco-responsible work. His house is always lively, every weekend he has a visit from friends or family. His life is a happy one. Pran would be proud. He would be happy.
~ Flashback: last year of university ~
“Dimples !” shouts Pat.
Pran lifts his eyes from the book he is reading and looks at Pat laying on his knees.
“What ?”
“ I want to name our dog Dimples”.
Pran stares at his boyfriend, surprised but smirking at his antics.
“Why do you think I would say yes to a dog ?”
“Come on Pran ! We have to have a dog ! It would be amazing to have a cute puppy running around, full of joy, always demanding hugs and playing with all day long ? “
Pran goes back to his book.
“And messing our home, smelling, and noisy ? I already have one at home.”
Pat pouts and takes away Pran's book, to have his attention back on him.
“Please, baby. I know this apartment is not big enough, but when we would built this house by the beach, can we have one ?”
Pat and his puppy eyes are Pran's weakness. How could he possibly say no to his boyfriend ? How could he refuse him anything that makes him so happy ?
“Fine”, Pran sighs getting closer to Pat and kissing his forehead. “We will have a dog.”
Pat kiss Pran’s cheeks in return, with stars in his eyes, like a puppy receiving a treat.
“Can we also have a cat, babe ? I will even let you choose the name !”
Pran chuckles and raises an eyebrow.
“How generous of you !”
“How would you name it ? “
Pram smiles and looks at his boyfriend. His Pat.
“Smiley.”
“Why ?”
“No. It's cheesy.”
Pat raises his head and cups his boyfriend’s cheeks in his hands.
“You know I love cheesy.”
Pran looks away as if he is remembering a distant past and gets back to looking into his boyfriend’s eyes.
“I have always wanted an animal at home, but my parents didn't because "it is dirty". I couldn't stop thinking about it. Having a companion. No being alone” there is a trace of nostalgia in Pran’s voice. “I drew a picture of an orange cat, with long fur and I named him Smiley because it would be the reason for my smile.”
Pat couldn't help but coo at how Pran is adorable. He pokes his dimples and gives a quick smooch on his lips.
“You're so cute. I promise you, we will have Dimples and Smiley. Can't wait for it. Can I see the drawing ?”
Pran just smiles softly, kisses his Pat on the head and gets back to his book.
~ Present ~
Pat also kept this promise. When the house was finished he adopted a dog from a shelter. The dog had a missing leg, nobody wanted him so Pat took him in. He couldn't bare the thought of leaving this poor dog alone and being euthanized because no one wanted him since now everyone wants a beautiful, cute and perfect puppy, without any problems. Pat didn't care about perfection. Of course, he named him Dimples. Despite his missing leg, Dimples is a lively dog, running everywhere, enjoying cuddles, and always messing things around. It feels less alone.
Not long after, a stray cat came to Pat’s house. The cat was exactly like the drawing of child-Pran. When Pat first saw the cat, he ran immediately into the bedroom searching for Pran's drawing but when he came back the cat had disappeared. The next day, he saw the cat again, this time Pat is sure it was exactly the same cat in front of him and in the drawing. He smiled and tried to call the cat. The cat at first was ignoring him, but quickly the animal was behaving as if he owned the house, glaring at the dog and sitting on Pat’s lap as if it was his place all along. Now, when Pat calls "Smiley" the cat immediately comes to him. Every single time. Pat feels the tears in his eyes.
“Pran, look, it's Smiley. Did you send him to see me smile ? … You were the reason for my smile, Pran.” Pat smiles. He is happy, still sad and broken, but he feels some joy inside his heart and maybe he will be able to go through this life without Pran. Maybe.
Sometimes Pat felt like Pran was here. When the wind was blowing. When something was dropping on the floor. When he could still smell Pran’s scent even after years. When he was falling asleep seeing Pran’s dimples. When in his dreams he was hearing Pran’s soft voice telling him he is here, he will wait and even if Pat can't see him, he will never leave him.
It was like Pran was a ghost following him. Sometimes Pat was talking out loud, hoping Pran could hear him, wherever he is. Sometimes Pat was feeling protected by Pran, as if he was his guardian angel. This warm feeling around him. Reassuring. Pran.
~ 7th June: 31 Years after Pran’s Death ~
Tomorrow is the 31st anniversary of Pran’s death. Pran was 31 when he offered Pat his heart. Tomorrow Pat would have lived longer without Pran than with Pran. Pat can’t stop thinking about this while waiting to fall asleep. His heart is still hurting when his thoughts drift toward the man he loved his entire life. Sometimes Pat wished they get together in high school, they would have had more time with each other. Pat is 62 and still irrevocably in love with Pran.
Thirty-one years of Pat feeling empty and desperately lonely. Thirty-one years of grief. Thirty-one years of Pat trying his best to live without his soulmate. Thirty-one years of Pat trying and doing everything Pran and him have ever wanted to do: releasing an album with Pran’s songs, building a house by the ocean, traveling around the world to see all the architecture treasures, reconciling their families for good.
Pat falls asleep, clutching to Nong Nao. Even after all these years, Nong Nao is still here. Nong Nao reminds him about Pran. Almost everything reminds him of Pran. Pat closes his eyes, hoping to see Pran in his dreams, smiling all dimples out, while Pran's heart in his chest slowly beats.
~ 8th June: 31 Years after Pran’s Death ~
Pat is looking at his reflection in the mirror. He is 31 again. A dream ? It feels so real. He hears the soft music from a guitar coming from outside. As soon he passes the door of his house, he sees Pran sitting on the beach playing guitar. It’s a dream. He smiles and doesn’t wait a second before joining Pran. Pran is smiling at him. He misses this smile so much. His heart hurts. He knows this is a dream. Pran isn't really here, he is just in his imagination. Still, he is happy to see him. When he dreams about Pran, it never lasts long. So he has to enjoy these small glimpses. It feels so real. He can’t stop looking at Pran.
“Why are you staring ? “ asks Pran.
Pat doesn't answer and sits near Pran. Pran is still playing with his guitar, a song that Pat doesn't remember hearing. Weird. Pat can't keep his eyes off Pran. This dream feels so real. Pat’s hand reaches for Pran’s cheek. He caresses tenderly the skin under his fingers. So softly as if Pran was the most precious thing in the world. He is. He is the most precious thing in the world.
“I miss you so much,” he says looking at Pran. Pran puts his guitar away and takes Pat’s hand in his.
“I know. I'm sorry. I couldn't –“
“Pran. There is nothing to apologize for.”
The dream seems longer than usual. Pat usually wakes up after just a few words or a few touches. Like just a glimpse, he can't reach but today, he can. Today he can be with Pran. A little longer, please.
“I have a song for you”, Pran says softly.
Pat smiles, eyes filled with love. He wishes this dream never stop. Pran takes his guitar again and starts playing.
There is this boy with fierce eyes
I know him since we are children playing in the sand
People told me "Stay away from him, he will be your bad luck"
They said "He is a cheater, only trouble follows him, be better than him, beat him in everything"
Whatever they say.
I couldn't stop staring at his proud smile
I couldn't stop myself from gravitating toward him like planets around their sun
He makes my heart beat faster and my head spin harder
I'm falling and I don't care
I'm falling and I'm ready for the crash
I'm falling at his knees and there is no other place I wanna be
Our worlds collide
We are meant to be
I can't stop staring
You light up fireworks in my soul
I gave you my heart
And I will do it again a million times
Now I'm on my knees
Singing another love song
For you
for you
Oh baby thousand won't be enough to tell you how I feel
Can you hear me ?
I'm so close but I'm a ghost
Just a memory that will fade
I want to hold you
But I have to wait for our world to collide again
I would wait for you until our next life, my love
At the end of the song, Pat is tearing up. He rushes to Pran and takes him in his arms and hugs him tight.
“I love you Pran, I love you so much.”
“I love you too Pat.”
Pran is smiling, showing his dimples. Pat miss so much these dimples. They stay here for what felt like hours hugging each other, with the sound of the sea as company. Pat couldn’t stop smelling and looking at Pran. He is so beautiful, even more than in his memories.
“It feels so real”, Pat whispered while playing with his hair. I don’t want to wake up. Please let me stay here, with him.
“Actually I have something to show you Pat”, replies Pran standing up and taking Pat's hand. “Come with me.”
Pat intertwines his fingers with Pran's and gives him a surprised look. Pran leads him inside their house; they climb up the stairs until they reach the bedroom. Pat’s bedroom. Their bedroom.
“Is this your way to get me in your bed ? Pran, you know if you want to have sex, we could have just stayed on the beach-“, Pat says teasingly, without even thinking. He misses this. Pran glares at him and shoves his elbow in his hips with a fond smile.
“Don't talk nonsense; I'm not bringing you here for that. Not yet.”
They enter the room still holding hands. At the view, Pat squeezes Pran’s hand tighter. On the bed, Pat saw a man, around 60’s, looking asleep with a smile on his face. Pat approaches closer, followed by Pran. The man is himself. The man is Pat. He could recognize his own white hair, his face wrinkled by the years, his thick eyebrows, and his Nong Nao still in his arms. But something is troubling him, besides the fact he is watching himself laying on his own bed. Old-Pat doesn’t breathe. I’m not breathing. Does that mean-
“It’s me, right ?” asks Pat.
Pran nods silently.
“Am I dead ?”
“Yes”, answers Pran.
“What happened ?” asks Pat.
“Your heart stopped.”
“You mean, your heart” replies Pat.
Pran smiles sadly, “yes, my heart.”
Pat turns back to Pran, looking at him waiting for more explications. He isn’t shocked to learn he is dead but he has a lot of interrogations.
“So all this, this not a dream ?” Pat questions.
Pran nods.
“That's mean you are really there ? Is that really you ? I mean, you're real ?”
Pran nods again. Pat takes Pran closer, hugs him and tears up. I won’t let you go.
“So what are we ? Ghost ?”
“Not really. We are souls.”
“But what are we doing here ? Is that afterlife ?”
Pran smiles again.
“No. The afterlife is not here. We are in between.”
“So what are you doing here ? It's been 31 years, why are you still here ?”
Pran cups Pat’s cheek in his hand, caressing the soft skin with his thumb.
“I've been waiting for you. I couldn't leave you.”
“But-“
Pran put a finger on Pat's mouth.
“Shh let me talk.”
Pat nods.
“After I died, I woke up at the hospital. A woman came to me and explain I was dead and I had to follow her to the afterlife in order to be reincarnated or something like this. But…”
…
~ Pran’s death ~
Pran wakes up at the exact same place doctors put him to sleep. Is he still alive ? Did they not perform the procedure ? No, they did the surgery. He is sure of that. Something inside is telling him: You’re not alive anymore. Somehow, he could feel it. He looks around him, trying to figure things out when his eyes stop on a woman. She wears only black clothes, and a dark shadow lights her face. A reaper. Death reaper.
“Hi Pran. I’m here to guide your soul in the afterlife. Follow me”, her voice doesn’t sound human.
“Wait-“
She doesn’t let Pran finish.
“Yes, you’re dead. Yes, reincarnation is real. No, there aren’t such things as hell and heaven. No, you can’t choose your next life. Yes, I’m a death reaper and no, I don’t have a name. Is that all your questions ? Good now follow me.”
“No. I’m not following you”, answers Pran.
“Oh not again, every time it’s the same thing with you two” she says pleading.
“What ?”
She gets closer to Pran, threatening, “Follow me, Pran”.
“ I’m waiting for Pat. I won’t follow you”, replies Pran with all the determination he can gather.
“Don’t be silly Pran”
“What if I am ? When Pat will be here, we will follow you. I won’t go anywhere until then, because-”
The reaper sighs, “I know because, I quote: I want to be reincarnated at the same time as him, like this we can love each other again in our next life. Your babblers are always the same. It has been centuries and not once, one of you said: Yes reaper, I will follow you. Bloody hell, you two are so annoying with your love !”
Pran looks the reaper with surprise "So it has been centuries since we love each other ?"
"I’m complaining about your disrespectful behavior and that’s all you can say ?” she huffs. “To answer to your question, Yes, you love each other since your first life. You are soulmates. And I guess it will be the same in the next ones, only the Universe knows, but… it seems the Universe is fond of you."
"If the Universe like us, why doing this to us ? Why Pat is sick ? "
"Easy, I don't have the answers. Every life can’t be easy."
Pran nods, a bit shaken by everything. Wow.
“So I can wait for Pat ?”
The reaper seems to be in a deep reflexion, and after few seconds, she sighs.“Yes”.
“Thank you” says Pran, “Can I ask for one more thing ?”
The reaper mumbles to herself “I’m not paid enough for this shit”.
~ end of the flashback ~
Pat chuckles, imagining his stubborn Pran arguing with a death reaper.
“You waited for me all these years ?” asks finally Pat awestruck.
Pran nods.
“It must have been lonely.”
Pran shakes his head.
“It wasn't. I had you. Even if you couldn't see me, feel me, or hear me, I was always there. There was not a single day I wasn't by your side Pat. I was here during the year you didn't speak a word. I was here every time you cried until you fell asleep. I was here when my mom and you became best friends, I was here at Ink’s and Pa’s wedding, I was here when you were telling stories about me to their children, I was here when you released my album and when you built our dream house. I was always here. I wanted so badly to let you know. I tried to reach you in your dream but-“
“But I was always waking up too fast.”
“Yes.”
Pran smiles and Pat cries. They are holding to each other. Nothing can break them apart. Not even death.
“I really hope this is real”, whispers Pat in Pran's ear.
“Do you want to be sure ?” asks playfully Pran.
“How ?”
Pran smiles and comes closer until their breath become one and their lips meet each other. Pat doesn't waste time kissing Pran back and deepens the kiss. It has been so long without testing his lover’s lips, without feeling his tongue against his. Oh god, he has missed this so much. His hands are tight behind Pran’s neck to pull him closer as possible. He is hungry. He wants more. He wants to never stop. But sadly Pran steps away and Pat suddenly is cold. He whines.
“Pran !”
“Don't worry my love, we will have time to do everything you want. I also negotiated with the reaper for a honeymoon week, before leaving this place. Just the two of us. ”
“How did you do it ?”
“I have my ways,” smiles Pran.
“My husband is the best”, Pat kiss Pran’s dimple. I’m so happy. Pat sighs and takes his necklace off. At the end of the necklace, there was a golden ring. Pran’s ring.
“I think it’s time I return this to you”
Pran reaches the ring but Pat stops him.
“Please let me ask again. This time without this cursed hospital around us.”
“Pat...” Pran whispers.
“Pran, will you marry me ? Will you be with me in death, and for all the next lives we have ?”
Pran tears.
“Yes. Of course yes.”
Pat takes Pran's hand in his and pass the ring around his finger. A promise. A promise after death, they will meet again and love each other in their next life. And the next one. And all the ones left.
They are sealing this promise with a kiss.
Their honeymoon week is too short. The time passes too quickly. And when the reaper comes for them, they whine "Please let us have more time".
“No. We gave you enough already. It's time for your next lives”.
Pat and Pran are holding hands, walking towards the light, confident that they will love each other in their new life and all the next ones. They are meant to be. They are soulmates. They are forever.
The End (until the next life)