Tidbits

by WinryWeiss

Summary:

A collection of short stories of various ratings and themes, mostly backstories for my headcanon.

I’ve decided to challenge myself to finish a drabble (not always a traditional drabble of 100 words, apparently) per month, just to see how long I can carry on. But mainly to actually write regularly…

There will be a mixture of canon, human AU, as well as various AU’s (canonical or not), eventually. No rhyme nor reason to this, unless I decide to aim for some thematic sets or sequences.

Chapter 1: Dressed to Kill (Human AU, pre-canon, gen)

“Who are you and what have you done with my little brother?”

Perry glanced up from the mess of a tie around his neck. His eyes met Lawrence’s in the mirror. He snorted and very maturely stuck out his tongue.

Lawrence grinned. “Allow me,” he walked to Perry, slipped the necktie down and proceeded to untangle it. “Aiming for a good first impression?” he commented on Perry’s attire.

Perry bent his left hand in front of his torso, palm down and tapped it with his right middle finger. Then he frowned, turned the left palm vertically, palm towards himself and thumb hidden in it, and swiftly trailed the right middle finger alongside the line of the left index finger.

Switching from British Sign Language to ASL proved to be a bit more of a challenge than he initially expected.

“Professional indeed,” agreed his brother. “But it doesn’t explain the contact lenses.”

Perry touched the empty air normally occupied by the rim of his glasses and hesitated. O.W.C.A.’s cover story was that he’s going to be a safety inspector, which might explain the irregular hours and prolonged absences. But he’d rather not admit that he switched to contact lenses because he expected an unhealthy amount of physical confrontations. He made a show of rubbing his chin as in deep rumination and then he just shrugged his shoulders in his particular way to express whyever not.

“If you say so. Like this.” Lawrence slowly tied the Windsor knot around his own neck. “Use a finger to hold it in place and you should have no problem.” He unwound the tie and handed it back to Perry.

His brother hummed and mirrored the motions. A little crooked knot rewarded his effort. Perry smacked his lips, untied the knot and carefully re-tied it again. Satisfied with this outcome, he spread his hands and spun around to show off.

“I like the colour scheme,” agreed Lawrence. "The combination of teal and chocolate brown is very pleasing to the eye." He managed to maintain a straight face when he added: "And the bright orange detail really brings out the worst in people."

Perry huffed in amusement. He bounced on the balls of his feet, rolling up his trousers a bit to draw attention to sneakers of almost the same shade as his necktie.

Lawrence whistled, merriment sparkling in his eyes. "Must have been quite a feat to find those in the same colour as a safety vest. You're going to be unmissable."

Perry nodded solemnly, satisfied with himself. With his complexion, teal-haired and tanned, he simply could not pass inconspicuously. So he dressed to kill - and perhaps to annoy some sartorially sensitive individuals.

Chapter 2: Misstep (Human AU, canon timeline, gen)

Perry practically crash-landed into the pile of debris from the Inator of the day.

His attempts to avoid the inevitable must have been quite a spectacle, judging by the gleeful sound of the hysterical laughter of his nemesis.

Perry huffed.

Danville saved at the cost of his dignity, how typical. He crawled his way from the wreckage and send a glare Heinz’ way.

Doctor Doofenshmirtz was sitting on the floor, tears of mirth drying on his cheeks. “Oooh,” he crooned, still a little breathless from all the laughter, “my poor little platypus.”

Perry’s heart might have skipped a beat, but that was surely just a symptom of the descending adrenaline rush.

“You should have seen your face when you tripped.” Heinz almost started laughing again. “Oh, I so hope you were in the right angle for those OWCA cameras to capture it. I mean, there are several of them, at least one must have had a good angle. Do you think I can request the footage or do I need to steal it myself? Right, I probably need to steal it...”

Perry rolled his eyes and tuned out the impromptu monologue. There’s no stopping his nemesis now, Heinz will say what is on his mind. Perry might take this as his cue to leave.

Except he could not.

When he attempted to stand up, something in his left knee protested the notion. He ended up sprawled back on the floor.

Heinz stopped talking and looked at him questioningly.

Perry sat up, carefully stretching his legs. He gingerly prodded the uncooperative knee, hissing in a sharp breath when he felt the pain.

Could it be considered a work-related injury when it technically happened after a successful thwarting? O.W.C.A.’s paperwork for injuries was a nightmare personified, and Perry felt suddenly rather queasy. He very vividly remembered agent Snail’s frustration when he had to rework certain forms over and over to have them approved. Eventually, Sergei ended up so desperate that he ambushed other agents for help, Perry himself falling victim to this twice.

His fingers were suddenly covered by Heinz’, long, skilful, and gentle.

Perry’s brain short-circuited, forgetting not only each and every self-defence technique for when the enemy is too close, but very likely even how to breathe.

“Hm,” concluded Doofenshmirtz, “cold compress for now, and if it starts to swell, I’m taking you to the ER. No protests,” he raised a finger admonishingly against Perry’s intake of a breath.

Perry knew he would end up being mercilessly teased by other agents if he would allow himself to be driven to the ER by his nemesis, but somehow he couldn’t care less.

Chapter 3: Sleeping Arrangements (Human AU, post-canon, teen and up)

Sharing a bed came not without difficulties.

At first, when Perry happened to stay the night at D.E.I., he simply crashed on the couch. It was not the most comfortable piece of furniture to sleep on, according to his stiff neck and sore back on the following mornings, but he was a secret agent, he had had way worse.

But then he unwittingly and quite terribly scared Vanessa, and subsequently Heinz.

Injured on a co-op mission of hounding down some smugglers that bothered the San Francisco division, he had been ordered bed rest. Unfortunately, the Danville HQ infirmary was closed down for repair. Wrapped in what seemed like literal miles of bandages he resembled a runaway mummy, so there was no way his sorry state would pass undetected at home. Linda might be a bit oblivious to her surrounding, but Lawrence and the kids never were.

Looking back, he could have rented a hotel room for a few days, but it did not occur to him back then. He automatically headed to Doofenshmirtz’ place. Too tired to announce his presence, he dragged himself to the couch, not bothering with a blanket. During the night one of the stab wounds reopened and blood soaked through the bandages. Not a life-threatening amount of blood, but enough to ruin the fluffy throw rug that miraculously appeared around him, and even the cushions beneath.

Vanessa found him like that in the morning and freaked out.

Still, her alarmed reaction was mild compared to Heinz’ full-blown, self-deprecating panic attack.

Not a pleasant way to start a day.

In the wake of that, Heinz got a new couch and converted one of the spare rooms into a guest bedroom. Bit of a queer arrangement, but it worked.

For a while.

Because, as the line between their professional and personal relationship gradually eroded, Perry then ended up sleeping in the main bedroom. Not that he got a lot of sleep in there...

The thing was, Perry was not exactly a light sleeper. Sure, he was definitely not a morning bird – if he could have any say about his rousing time, he wasn’t even the second worm that gets to live – and when he was really, really tired nothing short of a mariachi band next to his bed could wake him up. Heinz could attest to that, he once dragged his so-deeply-sleeping-he’s-practically-unconsious nemesis around the town for his evil plan, and Perry barely woke up in time to thwart it.

Moreover, Perry acquired some weird reflexes, courtesy of his career. Sleepwalking defence system, Heinz nicknamed it once, laughing despite his freshly broken nose and quickly blackening eye.

Sleeping next to another person proved to be surprisingly challenging to the formidable agent Platypus.

Heinz, on the other hand, had problems falling asleep. His regime was always irregular, he tend to be a borderline insomniac and used to spend whole nights tinkering away.

But as their career paths fell apart and then intertwined again, as the E from D.E.I. no longer stood for Evil, as more and more of Perry’s clothes found their way to Heinz’ closet, as their private lives become one conjoined life, Heinz attempted to maintain more socially acceptable hours.

He was not always successful, but Perry didn’t mind. When it concerned Heinz, the usually no-nonsense agent could tolerate a lot of things.

More often than not, Perry, barefoot, in his colourful boxers and worn sleeping shirts adorned by logos of obscure rock bands, would sneak upon Heinz to either drag him to bed or to sigh fondly and kiss him goodnight, leaving Heinz to his own devices.

Sometimes he hauled Heinz in fireman’s carry, sometimes he carried him princess style, sometimes he just tugged at his hand and headed to the bed, certain that Heinz would join him soon.

And Heinz was a clingy sleeper.

No surprise there. He was like a cat, curling around the source of heat, wrapping his long and lean limbs all around Perry like a hungry octopus. They shuffled around, Perry inevitably being elbowed and/or kneed, but he just huffed or exhaled that peculiar silent laugh of his or simply rearranged Heinz’ hands to a different position. It was always a lot of manoeuvring for the both of them to get comfortable.

Perry usually drifted to sleep quickly, with Heinz simply laying tangled in that strong, warm embrace of his partner.

Sometimes Heinz fell asleep as well.

Sometimes he did not.

But nevertheless, he stayed exactly where he was, all night long, listening to the sound of Perry’s heartbeat.