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“What’s going on with you and the newbie?”
You froze just outside the door of the kitchen when you heard Natasha Romanoff’s question, knowing she was referring to you. After all, you were the newest member of your SHIELD team, and you’d all been stationed with Natasha, Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes for a month-long mission in the Sokovian mountains. Even though you were almost three weeks into it, almost everyone still called you newbie.
“What’re you talking about, Nat?” Bucky’s gruff answer drew your attention back to the kitchen where he and Nat were cooking dinner for the team.
Natasha tutted loudly at the Winter Soldier, the sound patronizing. “Don’t play dumb with me, Barnes—I know you sleep in her room every night.”
You had to cover your mouth to stop your gasp from giving you away. You weren’t sure if Bucky could hear your frantically beating heart over the noise of the kitchen—pots and pans and chopping knives—but the sound you’d been about to make would’ve been heard by even your SHIELD teammates on the second floor, so the super solider definitely would’ve caught it. You craned your neck, trying to listen more closely, hoping Bucky was too distracted by what he was doing to use his super hearing.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Bucky said in an even tone.
A thorn of hurt pierced your heart. Sure, there was an unspoken rule between you and Bucky that neither of you talked about the nights you spent together, curled up in each other’s arms. It wasn’t exactly against any SHIELD rules, but you thought you and Bucky were simply in agreement that it would make things easier if the others didn’t know. Besides, it’s not like anything other than sleeping happened when he joined you in your bed each night.
It had started the first week of the mission. You were prone to nightmares, especially if you were stressed or in a new, unfamiliar location. You’d had them since you were a kid and informed SHIELD when you’d joined the organization. They’d conducted a psych eval but ultimately cleared you to proceed to field training. Your worst fear was that you’d wake up screaming on your first mission and reveal your weakness to your team. That fear had been realized—sort of.
On the second night in the Sokovian safe house, you’d woken up from a nightmare, sitting up in bed and looking around wildly until you remembered where you were. You hadn’t screamed, thankfully, but a moment later Bucky burst through your door. He told you he’d been awake and heard your distress and came to check on you. Curling in on yourself, you’d told him about your nightmares, but tried to assure him they didn’t make you weak.
You didn’t know what to expect from the Winter Soldier, but it hadn’t been the endless amount of kindness he’d shown you that night. He listened to you without judgement and shared his own experiences with nightmares, stemming from his time as a Hydra assassin. He’d offered to stay with you and laid down on top of the blankets covering your bed. You’d fallen asleep facing each other on opposite ends of the bed, but you’d woken up feeling fully rested and snuggled deep into Bucky’s chest, his arms wrapped tightly around you, the blankets twisted between your bodies.
The next night, Bucky knocked softly on your door after everyone had gone to bed and you’d let him in. Again, you’d both fallen asleep on opposite sides of the bed and ended up curling around each other in the night. After a few nights of that, you both gave up the pretense of keeping a respectful distance while you fell asleep. Instead, Bucky would slip beneath your blankets and pull you into his chest, where you’d settle happily, your legs twining with his.
For all your nights spent together, you’d done nothing more than cuddle with Bucky. Still, it hurt to hear him deny even that to Natasha, even if it meant he was trying to respect the decision you’d seemingly made to keep your friendship with him a secret. Especially since she clearly didn’t believe him.
“Barnes,” Nat said and even though you couldn’t see the super spy, you could hear from her tone she was rolling her eyes. “Fine, don’t admit to your second-oldest friend that you like her,” she teased in a way that spoke to her and Bucky’s long-standing friendship.
“Drop it, Nat,” Bucky said gruffly, the sound of a chopping knife getting faster, like he was the one doing the dicing and he was getting irritated.
But the Winter Solder with a knife didn’t scare someone like the Black Widow. “I mean, you’re right, you are a little old for her, don’t you think?” Nat said, needling her friend. From the hallway, you could hear the sneaky grin on the spy’s face. You knew what she was doing—trying to get a rise out of Bucky—and you pressed closer, wanting to hear what Bucky would say.
“I told you to drop it, Nat,” Bucky bit out, slamming the knife on the counter. “There’s nothing between me and her.”
The thorn of hurt in your chest grew into vines that wrapped around your heart until it felt like you couldn’t breathe. Tears pricked at the corners of your eyes, but you blinked them away. Careful not to make a sound, you retreated from the hallway outside the kitchen then fled to your room. You threw yourself onto your bed, burying your face in your pillow and trying not to cry.
You’d thought there was something special between you and Bucky. You’d considered him a friend, at the very least. And if you were honest with yourself, you’d developed much stronger feelings for the Winter Soldier. He was so kind and soft with you, keeping you safe from your nightmares, it was impossible for you not to get attached. But clearly your feelings were one-sided.
For five minutes, you let yourself wallow. You let yourself feel sad about Bucky not reciprocating your feelings—you even let yourself cry a little. But when those five minutes were up, you heaved yourself out of bed and stood up straight, pushing your shoulders back to make yourself look confident, even if you didn’t feel it. You checked the mirror to make sure there were no signs on your face of the tears you’d shed and then plastered a smile on before heading back down to the kitchen for dinner.
All through the meal, your heart ached and you just wanted to be left alone, but you soldiered on. If anyone noticed you were quieter than usual or your smile wasn’t as bright as it had been just the day before, they didn’t say anything. That was one thing about living and working in the same space as super spies—even if they did notice something was off, they knew better than to say anything.
Like how, unbeknownst to you, it took Nat all of 10 seconds to clock that something was wrong with you, though it took her another two minutes to figure out you were studiously avoiding looking at Bucky. It was only another few seconds before she’d deduced the only thing that could’ve upset you was overhearing her conversation with Bucky while they were prepping dinner. Nat also clocked that Bucky had no idea you were avoiding him or that you were upset; he was too busy laughing with Steve and telling the other agents about their rebellious teenage years—though the brunet would glance at you regularly, like he was checking on you. Nat smiled secretively to herself, leaning back and watching as everyone was still settling in to the table, content to say nothing and watch how things would play out.
After dinner, you excused yourself as soon as you could, claiming you were tired and went to bed. For the first time since you’d arrived at the SHIELD safe house, you locked the door to your room. Though you were resolved to try to make it through the night without Bucky, you fell into a fitful sleep.
When you woke to the pitch black of your room some time later, you weren’t sure what exactly had roused you from sleep. You didn’t know how late it was, but your body felt confused and restless. Rolling over, you turned on the bedside light and checked the time. It wasn’t that late, but everyone would be in bed. Still, you didn’t know what had woken you. Before you could puzzle over it for long, the doorknob rattled, the sound of the lock doing its job loud in your quiet room.
There was a moment’s pause and you froze, holding your breath. You knew it was Bucky on the other side of the door and you hoped he would take the hint and leave.
He didn’t.
There was a soft sound of crunching, rending metal and then your door was swinging in. Bucky slipped inside your room as he had so many times before and closed the door behind him, wedging it shut after breaking the lock.
When he turned to you, he wore a confused look on his face. “Your door was locked,” he said in a bewildered tone, his head tilted like he found it to be weird as he stepped toward your bed like he planned to join you.
Your heart squeezed painfully in your chest—not because you remembered what he’d said about you in the kitchen. You did, of course, his words and the vehemence with which he’d said them were unfortunately imprinted in your mind. No, your heart reacted like it did because you wished you could pretend you hadn’t heard him. You wished so badly that you could just let him slip into your bed wearing his gray t-shirt and athletic shorts and let him wrap you up in his arms, where you felt the safest.
Instead, you said, “I locked it on purpose.” Your voice was raspy with sleep but clear and when you looked Bucky in the eye, you knew he heard you.
“What?” he asked, stumbling to a stop a few feet away from the bed.
You’d already sat up, but you straightened your shoulders before you spoke to project the strength, determination and confidence you didn’t feel. “I wanted to sleep alone tonight.”
Bucky’s face went slack with surprise. Something like hurt swirled in those brilliant blue eyes of his. But he wiped his expression blank, his jaw clenching hard as he nodded. “Right, okay,” he said, his voice rough like he was chewing on gravel. He turned and staggered a little. You’d never seen the Winter Solder so unsteady on his feet, but you pushed your confusion and concern aside as you watched him walk back to your door.
His hand hovered above the doorknob, but before he grabbed it, he spun around, looking at you with hard eyes. “Did I do something wrong?” he asked, his voice somehow harsh and soft at the same time. “Did I make you uncomfortable?”
Somehow your heart broke more for Bucky than it had for yourself and you couldn’t meet his eye. You were more and more sure that it was hurt you saw in his gaze and you didn’t know how to reconcile it with what he’d told Nat in the kitchen. Your fingers twisted in the blankets in your lap, unsure what to say.
“Please, bunny,” Bucky murmured, his voice much closer than it had been. He’d padded quietly to the side of your bed and kneeled beside it. His big hands scooped up yours, gently tugging them away from your lap, holding them against his chest. You could feel his steady heartbeat beneath his skin and you ached so badly from wanting to curl up into him. “Tell me what I did—I never want to hurt you.” Bucky gazed at you with those bright blue eyes of his and you could feel the walls you’d started constructing before dinner crumbling to dust.
“I heard you talking to Nat,” you confessed, trailing off and ducking your head so you didn’t have to see his reaction to your words.
“Oh bunny,” Bucky rumbled, dropping his head to kiss your fingers. “No wonder you’re pushing me away.” He stood, and with quick, graceful movements, Bucky scooped you up out of bed and slid beneath the blankets, settling you on his lap with your head tucked against his shoulder.
As soon as you were safe in the circle of his arms, you burst into tears. “I thought you didn’t care about me,” you said in a ragged whisper, your words half muffled by your face being smushed into Bucky’s neck.
His big hands ran soothingly over your body, the warmth of them seeping through your pajamas. He shushed you softly, stroking your back and arms and legs gently until you settled enough to hear him. “I care about you, bunny—so much,” Bucky admitted. “But I didn’t know how you felt and Nat can be…she can be a little pushy.” Bucky sighed, relaxing deeper into your pillows, adjusting you on his lap so you were cradled in his arms just right. “I didn’t want her to push you into doing or saying anything you’re not ready for.”
You lay there for a moment, processing what he’d said. “So you were trying to protect me, from your friend,” you said slowly, testing out the words to see if you believed what he was saying.
“My pushy, meddling friend,” Bucky clarified, a hint of a smile in his tone.
Shifting to sit up enough that you could look in Bucky’s face, his expression turned serious, his eyes darkening at the sight of your blotchy, tear-stained cheeks. One of his hands reached up and swiped his thumb over the apples of your cheeks, brushing away the remaining tears. He smiled softly, like he was satisfied to see you tear-free.
When he met your eyes, you realized you believed him. There was nothing but caring and affection in Bucky’s gaze when he looked at you. Your heart fluttered happily, feeling whole again at the knowledge that your feelings weren’t one-sided at all. Bucky cared about you just as much as you cared for him. “Okay, Bucky,” you whispered, returning his smile with a tentative one of your own. Your words were an acceptance of his explanation and a plea not to hurt you again.
Bucky’s expression transformed into the happiest grin you’d ever seen on his face, but you didn’t have time to appreciate it because he was tackling you back onto the bed, tickling you. You squealed and laughed, the sounds breathless from your own happiness.
Bucky stopped after a moment, seeming to remember it was the middle of the night and everyone else was asleep. He hovered over you, that grin still on his face. Your eyes focused on it, one hand reaching up so you could trace a finger along his lower lip. Bucky’s eyes darkened as he stared down at you. “Bunny,” he rumbled, his voice deeper and more gravelly. “I gotta kiss you—please.”
How could you resist when he asked so nicely? Before you could even fully nod your head, he was ducking down and capturing your lips in the sweetest first kiss you’d ever had. His mouth was warm and soft and gentle as he kissed you, moving against yours with the same kind of tenderness he showed you when he was holding you at night. You felt like you were flying high amongst the clouds, dancing through daydreams with Bucky guiding you the whole way.
Bucky didn’t pull away until your lungs were begging for air and when he did, he didn’t move far, pressing his forehead to yours while you both caught your breath.
“Wow,” you whispered.
A chuckle rumbled in Bucky’s chest. “Wow, yourself,” he murmured, pressing one last kiss to your lips. He rolled onto his back, tugging you with him and tucking you into the bed by his side. “Get some sleep, bunny,” he said, turning off your bedside light and plunging you both back into darkness.
Feeling safe and happy in Bucky’s arms, it wasn’t long before you fell into a deep, restful sleep, all worries of Nat and what Bucky had told her drifting away.
Bucky woke you the next morning with soft, sweet kisses against your cheeks, his lips finding yours just as your eyelashes were fluttering open. You could hear the sounds of the house waking up, but you were lost in your world with Bucky, making out with slow drugging kisses as you both gradually woke up.
Eventually, though, you had to drag yourselves from bed. However, you soon discovered a new problem. The door to your room that Bucky had broken in the middle of the night was stuck closed. Bucky could’ve broken the door down, but you begged him not to, since you weren’t sure when it would get fixed. He ended up having to bang on the door until someone heard him.
From the other side, someone managed to get the door unstuck and when it swung open you and Bucky were greeted by the smug smile of Natasha Romanoff. “Nothing between you too, huh?” she snarked to Bucky, flicking a pointed look at you.
Bucky just rolled his eyes, rubbing at the back of his neck a little abashedly. “Yeah, yeah,” he muttered before he turned and dropped one more kiss on your lips like he couldn’t help himself. “See you downstairs,” he murmured just for you before he moved past Nat and down the hall to the room he was sharing with Steve.
When you were left alone with Nat, you asked, “You knew, didn’t you?” Not just referring to Bucky sleeping in your room, but his feelings for you.
The Black Widow tossed her head back and laughed. “Of course I knew what was going on with the Winter Soldier and the newbie.” She gave you an enigmatic smirk. “You’re welcome.”
With that, Nat sauntered down the hall and you were left wondering if Bucky had actually protected you from his friend’s pushy meddling or if you’d both fallen into her trap. After a moment, though, you decided you didn’t care. All that mattered was you and Bucky were good, you both knew where you stood and you’d finally kissed. As you got ready for the day, you couldn’t help but daydream about Bucky’s lips and your first kiss—the last first kiss you hoped to ever have.