Chapter Text
It was a typical stormy early winter evening at Hogwarts, the kind of night that sent drafts rattling through the corridors of the old castle, cold air that no spell seemed able to contain. It made most of the school chilly, even in well traveled places like the library, where Lily Evans was currently ensconced, trying to finish a difficult Transfiguration essay away from the usual chaos of the Gryffindor Common Room, the only noise the persistent plinking of the sleet battering the roof and windows of the castle.
Lily had always heard that NEWT classes would be difficult, but now that she was actually IN them at the start of her sixth year, she understood completely why previous upper years always looked so stressed. Still, she’d push through, like she always did, like she had since first year, when she was dumped into a world she didn’t understand and had to catch up with students who’d grown up immersed in it.
“Excuse me, Evans?”
It took her a second to realize that someone was addressing her, and she looked up, blinking to bring her eyes into focus, until the face of Regulus Black came into view. She sighed heavily.
“If you’ve come here bringing a message from Severus, Black, you may tell him I’m not interested in anything he has to say.”
Black’s impassive face twisted into confusion for a moment. “What? Why would I be bringing you a message from Snape? We’re not friends.”
Lily sighed again. Since the school year started, she’d been accosted by three different Slytherins trying to pass on a note from Severus, who it seemed was desperately trying to get her to talk to him again after his little “slip-up” at the end of OWLs last term. Still, even if that wasn’t what he was here for, Lily was tired and frustrated and had no time for whatever Slytherin tomfoolery Black was here for.
“Alright fine, then what do you want? If you’d like to make some comment about my blood status or whatever, I’d prefer you submit it in writing so I can burn it.”
“And what reason have I given you for assuming that?” Black retorted, raising an eyebrow. Lily wracked her brain for a few seconds, trying to remember a time when Regulus Black had ever been cruel to Muggleborns, or really anybody else that hadn’t started something with him first. Her cheeks colored as she realized that she couldn’t. Black didn’t hang around Severus’ new “friends,” the ones that talked about Voldemort all day long and how he was going to purge the Wizarding World of Muggle “filth.” He didn’t pick on younger years, or start fights with Gryffindors over Quidditch, in fact, the only time she could remember him EVER getting in trouble was when he ended up dueling his brother and his friends in the corridors after an argument. Which, if Lily is being fair, happens to a lot of people.
“I’m sorry,” she finally said, rubbing her eyes with her hand. “I shouldn’t have assumed.”
Black nodded once, a succinct movement: up, down, back to center.
“It can be difficult when people think the worst of you because of something that you can’t control,” he said, which struck her as profoundly empathetic, coming as it did from a member of one of the “darkest magical families in the country,” according to many of her housemates.
“Yes, it can,” she said. “What do you need from me then, if you don’t mind me asking?”
“Advice,” he replied, sliding in a chair opposite her.
Lily was taken aback. “Advice?”
He nodded again in that strange way of his: up, down, back to center. “Yes, advice. From a neutral observer with relevant experience, one who isn’t likely to judge me or, more importantly, gossip about me to other people, which unfortunately rules out my housemates,” Black said with a sigh.
“How do you know I’m not going to gossip about you? I’m in the same house as your brother.”
“True, but you don’t like him or his friends very much, do you?”
Well, Lily supposed THAT wasn’t much of a secret. Her animus primarily rested with James Potter, but Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew, Potter’s little gang, weren’t ranked very highly on her list of favorite people either.
“No,” she said, shrugging. “Go on then, what is it?”
Regulus sighed again, studying his hands for a few moments, then looked her straight in the eye.
“Why don’t people like me?”
Of all the things he could have said, THAT was probably the most unexpected. Lily couldn’t keep herself from puffing out a little incredulous chuckle, which was apparently the wrong thing to do: Black’s face soured immediately.
“If you’re just going to laugh at me…” he said defensively, beginning to stand up.
“No no no, hold on!” she said, waving him back into his chair. “I don’t mean to laugh, it was just such a surprising question, that’s all!”
Regulus regarded her critically for a moment, then carefully lowered himself back down again.
“Perhaps I should explain,” he said, folding his hands together on the table in front of him. “I’m not the most…popular person at Hogwarts. It didn't bother me before, but this summer…I’m sure you heard Sirius left home?”
Lily nodded. It had been all the rage in Gryffindor the first two weeks of term, the tale of Sirius Black’s escape from his family home, how he was living with the Potters now.
“Well, it occurred to me after he left that I couldn’t do the same thing he did, run away from home that is. Because he’s got Potter. And if for some reason Potter couldn’t put him up, then Lupin would, or Pettigrew. Or any of a dozen other people in your house could, whereas I….I don’t have anyone to do that. I’m on my own.”
“You don’t have any friends in Slytherin?” Lily asked.
Black scoffed. “Slytherins don’t usually have FRIENDS. I’m like everyone else, I have acquaintances. Friendship requires trust, and you can’t trust anyone in Slytherin not to use your secrets for their own advantage.”
“That doesn’t sound healthy.”
Regulus shrugged. “It’s what happens when you put all the most ruthlessly ambitious magical children in Britain in the same room together.”
“I’m sorry, Regulus.”
His face twisted. “Don’t pity me, please. That’s not what I want. I want you to tell me how I’m supposed to fix it.”
“You want me to tell you how to make new friends?” Lily asked, confused.
“No, I want you to tell me what I’m doing wrong to make it that people avoid me in the hallways. If nobody wants to bloody talk to me, making friends is out of the question isn’t it?”
He made a fair point there. So Lily leaned on one of her hands, studying Black’s face like it was a particularly intriguing math problem.
“Hmm. Well I suppose part of it, a big part of it, is your reputation.”
“What bloody reputation?”
“Well not YOUR reputation per say, but your family’s. You know, the scary Black family that will curse you just for looking at them wrong?”
Black waved his hands around dismissively. “My brother has the same last name as me and he doesn’t have that problem!”
“He did at first. You weren’t here his first year, lots of Gryffindors weren’t happy he got sorted in with us. Didn’t trust him. The thing was, he went out of his way to prove to everyone how UNLIKE his family he was.”
Black scoffed. “No he didn’t. He just found a more socially acceptable outlet for his cruel streak, Slytherins instead of Muggleborns.”
Lily privately agreed, but let it pass. “Have you considered talking to Sirius about this?”
His face hardened. “I’m pretty sure I hate him right now, Evans.”
“Because of this summer?”
He didn’t answer her directly. “You have a sister, right?”
Lily nodded. “Petunia. We…don’t get on very well either.”
“Right. Well, imagine the two of you lived in hell together. Parents are a nightmare, hurt you for fun or because they don’t know any other way to raise you because that’s the way they were taught. Imagine your sister got up the courage to leave in the middle of the night, and didn’t even ASK you to come along too. Didn’t even so much as drop you a bloody note saying that she was alright and safe. Just cut you out of her life as easily as you’d cut out a newspaper clipping.”
Black’s mask was slipping, Lily could make out strains of profound hurt and anger under the unaffected front he was putting up, and felt a pang of sympathy for him.
“Yes, I imagine I wouldn’t be too keen to go to her for advice after that.”
“No, I imagine not,” he replied. Both of them were silent for a few moments before Lily broke it.
“Well, regardless of what you think about him, your brother got that part right. He made himself approachable to people. And to be honest, you just don’t give off that….approachable aura.”
“I don’t understand what that means!” Black said, a note of frustration in his voice.
“You know! The thing you do with your face!”
“The thing I do with my face,” Black replied in a monotone. “What is wrong with my face?”
Lily felt she wasn’t doing a very good job explaining this.
“Black, you walk around all the time with the same disinterested expression on your face, like you don’t care about anything that ever goes on around you. Like you constantly have to keep your guard up.”
He blinked at her. “Oh. That. I suppose you’re going to tell me that isn’t normal behavior.”
Lily shrugged. “People don’t want to be friends with statues, Black. Also, it makes it hard to get a read on you. On whose side you’re on.”
Regulus raised an eyebrow. “Whose side I’m on?”
“Come on, you have to know we’re getting ready to have a war here. Nobody is gonna want to be your friend if they aren’t sure you won’t turn on them once it starts.”
“I have to hand someone my political manifesto before I can be their friend now?” he asked incredulously.
“Not that level of detail, no. But like, remember what I said about your reputation? Sure, you haven’t done anything to confirm that you’re like the rest of your family, but you haven’t done anything to disprove that you are, either. You haven’t made your position known to anybody, and so people avoid you because you could potentially be dangerous.”
“And what if I don’t have a position one way or the other?”
“I don’t think that’s true. Everyone has to believe in something, otherwise you’re just going through the motions and not really living,” Lily said. “The thing is, if you want friends, friends that you trust and that trust you, it's not enough just to believe in something. You have to show them too.”
“Tipping your hand is dangerous, you know. Especially for me, you know where I sleep, how they feel about people whose opinions differ from theirs.”
“I’m not saying you have to write up an opinion piece in the Daily Prophet, Regulus. But you can’t keep yourself to yourself forever, or else you’re going to end up alone. And the simple fact that you asked in the first place tells me that isn’t what you want.”
Regulus looked at her contemplatively for a few moments.
“Well, you’ve given me a lot to think about, Evans. Thank you. I have to finish my prefect rounds.”
“Of course.” Lily watched Regulus head towards the library’s exit. “Hey, Black?”
He turned back towards her.
“If you need more advice, or just want to talk, you can, you know…” she vaguely waved between the two of them.
The ghost of a smile appeared on his face. “Perhaps I’ll take you up on that.”
Then he was gone. Lily took one look at her essay, sighed, and figured it would have to wait for another night. She started putting her books away and bundling herself up for the long, chilly walk back to Gryffindor Tower, the whole time marveling at how strange that conversation was.