Work Text:
“What do you think?” asked Vision, watching Tony with clear anxiety in his eyes.
Tony slowly chewed the pieces of grass Vision must have gathered together and tried to pass as a salad, and prayed that, after years of Iron Manning and generally being himself, this wasn’t what ended up killing him.
“Amazing,” he lied, grinning. “You have really improved, Viz. Good job.”
The synthezoid’s face lit up and really, what was a mild case of food poisoning if it meant his baby was happy?
After everything he had gone through since his abusive and predatory ex (and thank Tesla and everyone who heard his prayers for her being an ex) had decided to send him to superhell, he deserved to be happy, and Tony would do anything to make sure he was.
“I have also attempted to make some home made pie,” continued Vision, turning towards the oven. “I have followed the recipe you used last time.”
The only recipe Vision could have followed was recipe for disaster, but Tony did not say that.
Because he was not Howard, and he would support his bot, AI and whatever-Vision-was children, no matter what.
Though, Just watching him struggle with cutting out a piece of the alleged pie made him dread his next trip to the dentist. If he even had teeth, by the time he was done chewing that thing.
Before that could happen - or Vision could actually manage to cut the thing that looked like pie but was not behaving like pie - Tony was saved by the ringing of his phone.
“Oh,” he said, shooting to his feet. “Pepper is calling. Must be important, cannot afford to miss a call from her.”
“You always miss calls from her,” pointed out Vision, the broken knife (what the fuck had he put in that pie) in one hand as he watched Tony power walk from the room curiously.
“That is not true, Pepper is a goddess and I love her very, very much,” said Tony, rounding the corner.
It wasn’t even a lie. Pepper was a goddess, and Tony did love her very, very much.
But Tony also always missed her calls, because Pepper was very evil, and wanted Tony to do work all the time.
She already had his job and his company, what more could she want from him? Tony did not know.
But when in between a rock and a hard place, Tony always chose the hard place. Because you never knew what that hard place was, and Tony had been met by plenty of hard things that he did not mind being stuck by.
“Pepper, light of my life-”
“Did you see what your child did?” asked the woman, not even bothering with a hello.
It was incredibly rude of her, but whenever one of his official unofficial children was involved, Tony was prone to allowing the disrespect - if only because he usually needed help to stop whatever apocalypse they had started.
He still shuddered about the Peter Parker Fudge Fiasco. To this day, Tony could not look at a piece of fudge cake and not have Vietnam war style flashbacks.
“Vision has been with me all day - and the only wrong thing he did in that time frame was try to cook - and May has not called to scream at me,” he started, mentally counting, “So either I have just enough time to leave the country and change my identity before she does, or Harley has been up to something. Wait, FRI has been really quiet, lately...”
“Really, Boss?” complained the AI, sounding quite offended.
Tony gave the nearest camera one of his patented Dad looks (copyright ownership was going to Rhodey soon). “Are you telling me that if I were to suddenly go to the workshop right now, I would not find you and the bots up to some shenanigans?”
“... I would like a lawyer,” she said.
“I’m onto you,” said Tony, focusing back on his call with Pepper. “This is strange. You sound strangely calm despite the call regarding my children committing crimes.”
“Not a crime, this time,” said Pepper. “Just... something interesting.”
“The fact that you do not sound worried sort of worries me,” he said. “Who and what?”
“Harley,” said Pepper, and Tony could not even pretend to be surprised. Harley was number two on his list of ‘Tony Stark official and unofficially official children most likely to go to jail’ (number one was, of course, BUTTERFINGERS). “And I think it’s better if you just check your twitter.”
“That does not sound ominous at all,” said Tony, moving towards his room. If he tried to look things up in the corridor or in the living room, Vision was going to ambush him with ‘food’, and Tony loved his baby too much to tell him how shitty it was.
There was accepting food poisoning out of love, and then there was accepting murder/committing suicide by eating awful, bad, no good food.
Tony was no fan of the second.
He had managed to train him out of phasing into his bedroom, thankfully, so while in there he was safe. And Vision did not know about the escape routes Tony had made sure to include when he had built his place.
Wait, JARVIS knew about them. Shit, Vision probably knew about them too.
Tony shook off the metal image of trying to escape and finding Vision and his ‘food’ waiting jovially on the other side, and shuddered.
Instead, he focused on the holographic screen that FRIDAY had powered for him.
The first thing he noticed was that he was trending.
This was not unusual. People always had his name in their mouths for whatever reason, and he was always trending underneath some guy by the name of Park Jimin (he had no idea of who this Jimin guy was, but according to FRIDAY he was so popular that a nuclear fallout or an invasion part two could happen, and ‘Park Jimin’ would still be trending at number one).
What was weird was that 'Viz' was trending right under his name.
He clicked on his trending page, and frowned when the first thing he noticed was a video with a very high number of likes.
“Did one of my sextapes leak?” he wondered, confused. “And how would that have to do with Harley?”
Harley and Peter always ran away the second the words ‘sex’, ‘penis’, ‘dick’, ‘moist’, ‘vagina’, ‘pussy’ or ‘phlegm’ left his lips.
They found them upsetting, the word ‘moist’ especially so.
“It is not a sextape,” said FRIDAY, sounding very amused. “I feel like you would probably be far less offended if it was a sextape.”
Oh boy.
“I know you had a hand in this, FRIDAY,” he said, because she did not sound surprised enough for his liking.
“Just start the video, Tony,” instructed Pepper, and she sounded too lax too.
Tony did not have a good feeling about this.
Still, he clicked play.
The first thing he saw was himself power walking with a number of objects in his arms.
He remembered the day, and frowned as he watched himself walking towards Vision, who was sitting in the garden in front of the Compound, looking all sorts of pathetic and sorry for himself.
The Tony in the video looked at Vision with a lot of judgement, and then he sighed.
“All right,” he said, in the video. Vision glanced up at him, and Tony sighed again. “This has gone on long enough, and I can't take it anymore. Viz, I have allowed you to mope and be sad, but this ends now. I won’t allow - actually, I forbid them from taking any more energy or happiness from us. They are toxic, and all toxic shit needs to get purged out of our lives and system."
In the video, Tony threw all of the items in his arms to the ground.
Vision let out a small hurt noise and reached for a small plushy, and Tony batted his hand away.
“No. Maximoff gave that to you, and it’s toxic. Why is it toxic you ask?”
Vision shook his head.
Tony answered anyway. “I am glad you asked. Remember what Maximoff did to you? I do. That witch threw you in a hole. A hole! She threw you in a non metaphorical hole you could not get out of, and then walked away. Who the fuck does that?!”
“She-”
“That is not a healthy relationship, Viz. That’s terribly toxic, and the fact that she blamed you after was incredibly manipulative. I’m sorry to tell you this but someone who throws you in a hole does not love or care for you. She had no idea if you would have been hurt, she did not even stop to check!”
“I know,” said Vision, still looking oh so sad. His puppy eyes were devastating even on camera. “Logically, I understand. But-”
“See what they did? They stole our logic and objectivity. They have taken enough of our hearts and destroyed it in front of us, we cannot let them take our brains too. No way. We need to exorcise ourselves.
“This is just the beginning,” Tony continued, pushing all of the stuff together. “Part one of several. We are going to take away everything those evil backstabbers left behind and burn it, donate it, or resell it. Then we are going to wash the Compound until it is sparkly clean and void of their dark and awful vibes and then we will burn sage to complete the cleansing process. ”
An instrumental that Tony did not recognise started playing, lowly and steadily growing in the background.
“... Okay,” said Vision, sounding still a little sad.
“You deserve better, babyboy,” continued Tony, putting his hands on both of his cheeks and looking him in the eyes. His eyes were kinder than before. “You did not deserve to be fucked over by that witch, or anything she did to you. It’s all on her.”
“Why do I still miss her, then?” asked Vision, looking for an actual answer.
“Because they were part of our lives for so long, our hearts are panicking about the idea of severing from them. Because our hearts are stupid, too stupid to understand we are better off without them. Which is why we need this cleansing. We need to cut the snakes out of our lives.” He pulled out two matches from his pocket, and pulled Vision to stand on his feet beside him. Then, he handed him one of the matches. “Fuck Maximoff, fuck Rogers, fuck Romanoff, fuck Wilson, fuck Barton, and fuck that little dude who was with them too. We deserve better.”
He lit up his match.
Vision, hesitated for a second. He looked at the plushie, conflicted, and then at Tony scowling at the pile of stuff - which included some of the paintings Rogers had given him, pictures of himself with the Rogues and other little things the Rogues had gifted him or left behind.
He glared hardest at the picture of himself standing with the original Avengers line up, between Rogers and Romanoff.
Vision eyed him and his expression for a few seconds more. Then, he also lit up his match.
“We deserve better,” he echoed.
They both threw their matches at the items on the ground, just as the instrumental cut off and a voice suddenly said, “This is a shout out to my ex.”
Then, a song Tony did not recognise started, along with a compilation of small videos stitched and put together.
Videos of Tony and Vision throwing the Rogues’ shit in the flames. Videos of Tony cleaning the Compound aggressively in a pair of well worn pink cleaning gloves. Videos of Vision and Tony vibing and laughing as they put the Rogues’ shit in bags. Videos of Tony standing by as Vision slowly stood somberly over a burning picture of Wanda. The two of them watching romcoms and crying. Even a few videos of Tony and the bots and Rhodey playing darts with Rogers’ photograph.
Then the song changed to a country tune, and as the lyrics “And I wonder, does it blow your mind, that I’m leaving you far behind,” started, the videos turned less petty and more happy. There were videos of Tony and Vision cooking side by side. Videos of Vision smiling and playing around with the bots or Spider Man. Videos of Tony being tackled by a hidden from the camera Harley and Peter. Tony dancing in pijamas with an equally cozy Pepper Potts, with no shoes on and looking ridiculous. Vision looking elated as he scored a goal against Rhodey, and Tony jumping from the benches in a ‘go Viz’ shirt.
As the song reached the final chorus, the video came to an end with now audible footage of Tony giggling as he tried to feed Rhodey, Pepper with her hair down covering her mouth and laughing at Rhodey’s struggle against this, and Vision looking super excited as he explained to an amused Happy something about the food (it was the origins of yoghurt, if Tony remembered correctly).
Then the screen went blank.
“You reached the end, yet?” asked Pepper, now sounding definitely amused on the other side.
“What... what the hell was that?”
“Harley and FRIDAY, most likely, working together to make you into the number one most beloved person in the US, clearly.”
“What?” asked Tony, feeling a bit mortified. Oh god, he had looked so ridiculous. “What- how. How long has it been out?”
“It was online for roughly three hours before I was made aware of it-”
“Tell everyone in PR they are fired. FRIDAY, you are fired too.”
"You don't even pay me," complained FRIDAY.
“-And five hours before I told you about it,” continued Pepper.
“You are fired too,” said Tony, glowering at the phone. “What the hell, Pep? This is... this is a disaster!”
“If I had thought so, I would have called you way earlier than that,” she said, unperturbed. “I know you have your whole thing about your asshole image for the outside world, but I would take a look at the comments before you fire everyone at SI and have to run the entire thing yourself.”
That sounded like a splendid idea to Tony. Firing the whole of SI, that was. If he fired the whole of SI, he could then fake his death much more easily and probably start a new life on Asgard if he gave Thor a pitiful enough expression.
Reading the comments did not sound like a good idea.
Not that Tony did not have thick skin. He had the thickest skin, and what people said about him on the internet did not matter to him.
But that did not mean he liked hearing how shitty people thought he was.
However FRIDAY, ignoring that she had just been fired, pulled up the replies before he could argue against it, and Tony’s eyes were immediately drawn to the top one.
@dopechubbybabe: when he’s a *checks notes* genius, billionaire, philanthropist, (ex) playboy, superhero, inventor, father and a HOUSEWIFE
@catalogueme: you mean househusband right? lol
@dopechubbybabe: bitch did i stutter
@theReal_JRMichaels: SLAY, IRONDADDY, SLAY
@bellaxedward91: SPEAK ON IT! GET THE TOXIC OUT OF YOUR LIVES
@alissaysay: and NOTHING FOR CAPTAIN AMERICA
@coconutcock: PERIOD!
@ironmanswife: tony stark in his white woman era, i prayed for times like these
@spenceeeeh: he even cries pretty, i’m sick to my stomach. @steverogers i HATE you
@rollinginadele: look at how well he takes care of his baby vision, im melting
@mart_spec23: is vision really his child????
@arialeonards11: he is a FATHER.
@serving_cunt: a DADDY if you will ;-}
@forbants: i hope whoever buys the old rogues shit burns it for our king
@jackqueline0001: this what a REAL man looks like @steverogers, fuck you
@stephenabe: yeah @steverogers FUCK YOU
@mara1990: FUCK YOU
@pooh98jean: FUCK YOU @sTEVEROGERS
@matildaadu: FUCK YOU ROGERS
@andrea-malik: I am so jealous of his silverware?
@lillianbert: I bet he even bought it himself
@jasonspecial: oh my god, #TonyStark done rallied up the housewives of New York behind him
@lillianbert: LMAO CAN WE TREND THIS? #NYHouseWivesAreTeamIronMan
@edgarallenhoe: omg yes #NYHouseWivesAreTeamIronMan
@meganwithanh: i meaaaan as a mother who has always got to keep the house while running after her children who are decided on breaking EVERYTHING, i can see the similarities between myself us and him having to deal with the rogues #NYHouseWivesAreTeamIronMan
@elenas79: never thought of it like that, holy shit? tony stark was a single mother this entire time and we never noticed? #NYHouseWivesAreTeamIronMan
@titaniumj: you DEADBEAT @steverogers #NYHouseWivesAreTeamIronMan
@fedezperez: I mean are we sure he’s single? i bet #WarMachine and @CEOpotts wifed him a long time ago
@harrymerry: look at how he folds the napkins? smh tony stark setting more unrealistic standards for men
@narryzbitch: say you a BUM and go
@harrymerry: damn! It really is #NYHouseWivesAreTeamIronMan
@imaginemaroondragons: I bet Pepper Potts comes home and Tony Stark has dinner ready for her and the house cleaned to perfection, needs ME a man like that #NYHouseWivesAreTeamIronMan
@slaycunthouse: Can we talk about how he washed the sink after doing the washing up? i am pregnant #NYHouseWivesAreTeamIronMan
“Oh wow,” said Tony, some of his embarrassment going down and being replaced by surprise. “Wow. Are these like... real people?”
“Yup,” said Pepper, still smiling. “You have become every bored and not so bored housewives’ number one Avenger, beating out Thor. Congratulations.”
Tony was not even sure of how he felt.
+++
Tony had spent a lifetime curating his image. The media had wanted him to be a certain way, and the death of his parents and Obadiah’s subtle - back then - manipulations had sort of pushed him into that mold.
They wanted Howard Stark - ‘the early years’, but version 2.0 - and Tony had given them that. Whilst, of course, making sure that he was the superior version.
And it wasn’t like Tony wasn’t that man. He was absolutely that man.
But Tony was also the kind of man that burned sage and burned clothes after a break up, and consoled himself by watching terrible rom coms and eating chocolate, and dispelled evil spirits by stress cleaning everything he came across.
And the Avengers were the exes that had filled his house with bad vibes.
He had to admit, there was something to be said about the incredibly positive reaction Harley’s video had managed to create. His approval rating was at an all time high and, surprisingly, so were SI stocks.
Tony had tapped into a demographic he had never previously considered (he had not even known Thor had been the number one there, before), and he had managed to become more loved than he had been in recent years, because the # had gone completely viral.
It was so insane that not even the Park Jimin dude had managed to dethrone him. Someone called #btsarmy was torn between amusement and anger at this.
His PR team were literally crying tears of joy, and if Tony hadn’t been so shocked, he’d have been offended.
They had also told him that he needed to capitalise on this, something that Tony did not know exactly how he was meant to do.
“Just reply to a few comments,” said Harley, from one of the screens in front of him. “Maybe record a video or two.”
“But not too much,” added Peter, from a second screen. “You do not want to appear desperate. Do things that appeal to housewives.”
“How am I supposed to know what appeals to housewives? You guys need to help me. And you, Harley, owe me.”
“What?” said the little gremlin. “I helped you! You owe me royalties.”
“I’ll tell your mom.”
“You are such a bitch, Tony Stark,” complained the boy, the threat working like a charm as always. “You just need to be you. You are practically already a housewife.”
“I am not a housewife,” protested Tony.
“You have seven different types of bathroom towels,” said Peter.
“You have ‘good people silverware’, ‘actually good silverware’, ‘bad people silverware’, ‘rich bad people silverware’, ‘important bad people silverware’, and ‘Avenger silverware because Hawkass will be there’ and like ten other kinds.”
“You tried to teach me forks.”
“You stress clean.”
“You used to take spa days on the days you did not have to deal with the Avengers because ‘mama needs it’.”
“You-”
“We get it,” interrupted Tony, a little offended. “I am sorry being raised properly somehow made me into a housewife.”
“Apology accepted,” said Harley, nodding. “When the class war comes, we will eat you with the proper cutlery.”
“Thank you,” sniffed Tony. “That is all I ask.”
@anabanana: omg did you all see that picture of Tony Stark and Colonel Rhodes? Am I the only one who thinks they are totally together?
@luisacamp: im thinking too like… they have been together since MIT and never locked lips? it’s just not realistic…
@etheralthell: @ironman let me be your woman
@hernameisjoelle: okay but the smile on colonel rhodes’ face? need me a man like that
@viennettaslut: @ironman you need to post more pictures with vision
@ironman: I would, but he’s camera shy
@viennettaslut: HIYDBWHONJDHD2 OH MY GOD
@camrenpapi: HIIII
@serenavandersomething: HE REPLIED
@bonitademas: @ironman: can you teach us how to make that creamy pasta you were eating in the video? It looks so yummy!
@ironman: I have it on video since I tried to teach Vision link
@bonitademas: OH MY GOD HE REPLIED
@marinatheestallion: LOOK AT HOW CUTE HE IS WITH THE APRON?!
@wearethewitches: okay but the PEOPLE need the link to that apron?!?!?
“Everyone sounds like they are screaming at me,” said Tony, frowning at the screen. “Is that a good thing?”
“Yep,” said FRIDAY. “It means that they love you."
"Why can't they say it normally?"
"For the bit."
Tony sighed. "I don't understand your generation."
@ironman: trying to cook with my boy Viz <3 recipe link
@ironman: recipe
@anafandom: king of not gatekeeping recipes
@lestradefam: my mom wants to give you the family recipe because ‘you look like a handsome and polite young man’
@ironman: tell your mom thank you <3
@talkshitgetshat: HE REPLIED
@lestradefam: AAAAH SHE SAYS SHE WAS ACTUALLY TALKING TO VISION, BUT YOU TOO
@ironmanstans: OOOOH SAVAGE MOM
@talkshitgetshat: from what I know of him, he’s probably proud of this anyway
@izumi2: can you please go on insta live with vision cooking? We need the content, king
@FofoAmr: you two are too adorable?
@GreenPowerBank: THEY HAVE MATCHING APRONS!! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS IM DYING
@Rodsan: can tony stark be my dad? Please can he be my bad
@Rodsan: omg I have the same apron as tony stark? Omg
@tmarauder101: bestie link
@Rodsan: sorry, it was a gift 🙁
@ironman: I got you link.
@tmarauder101: OMHFBIN E3HQBDIN
@blindedbythelight: THANK YOU MR STARK, WE LOVE YOU!
@harleivys: does vision need another parent? Does he need a mother?
@noirmagiks: mr stark, can miss potts and colonel rhodes fight?
@afterlike: aojhfebi are you asking if WAR MACHINE can fight?
@noirmagiks: no armour and tony stark’s hand on the line, you have no idea what i can turn into!!
“Pepper!”
The woman glanced up from where they had all been eating, giving him the most innocent of looks.
Tony would not have been fooled by that even if he hadn’t had his phone in his hands.
“What is this, Miss Potts?” he asked, showing her his phone, open to her Twitter page, where a short video of Tony shouting gently asking for Happy and Peter to get their ass in the kitchen could be seen (“Happy! You and underoos have six seconds to get here, I did not bother making your favourite just for you to leave it out to get cold! I will give Rhodey your servings, don’t try me!”), one threatening spatula on one hand while the other was on his waist, in the most ‘mom’ stance Tony had ever sported before.
He hadn't even noticed himself doing it.
Dear god, he had become Ana Jarvis.
“The internet is loving it,” said Pepper, taking another bite of her food, unconcerned.
They were, of course.
@berryblu: Tony Stark is my spirit animal
@Vingadores_taca_o_pau_bicho: I swear i closed my eyes and thought that was my mom??
@anonehouse: spiderman getting fed by tony stark, this is not the content I thought I’d receive, but I’m so glad
@graveltotempo: and nothing for steve rogers!
@ebonydarkness: he wasn’t even mentioned
@graveltotempo: I’m still a hater
@soufflegirl91: @ceopotts @ironman please show us what you are having, I bet it’s super yummy
@curryncoffee: Tony Stark cooking youtube when?
@kahunaburgers: collab with vision and spiderman and they make superhero themed cookies
@curryncoffee: with 0 cookies for the rogues
@martinilaced: exactly!
@cathelin: I bet the food tastes so good… I am so jealous! @ceopotts
Tony’s eyes were narrowed.
“I still think you’re having way too much fun with this.”
She only smiled in answer.
+++
@ironman: And ask you shall receive. Superhero themed cookies videos with Viz and Spider Man
@augustdbutt: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD
@silentoor: Vision is the CUTEST oh my god!
@dirtkid123: right? Maximoff did not deserve him
@sighing_selkie: what do we expect, from a ‘former’ terrorist
@tabala: THIS PART
@kymera219: I can’t believe anyone would willingly hurt him. If she didn’t scare me so much, I would have had to deal with her
@foreverironmanstan: right? She’s so scary
@renlysroses404: the songs playing in the background… oh the SHADE
@ems_specter: like new rules, part of me, how to be a heartbreaker, don’t call me up… he knows what he’s doing and I’m LIVING for it!
@lavenderlotion: the little dance they all did when they put the cookies in the oven.. So CUTE!
@starkravingmad: Stark’s reaction when Spider Man just started slapping the batter iwendhebi
@starkravingmad: and when Vision started to whisk with his fingers super fast, lool he was so shooketh
@name_me_regret: Tony Stark should sell the cookies AND the recipe, like I’d buy it
@varis: How about a whole cookbook?
@adelelei: Tony Stark is the cutest, I just wanna eat him up!
@captainamerica: @ironman Tony, this petty attempt of turning the media against me is not going to work. I sent you an apology, and you ignored it and are now acting like the hurt party. But forgiveness is key, and know that when you need me, I will be here. We still love you.
@graveltotempo: GET AWAY FROM HIM! GET A JOB! LEAVE HIM ALONE #NYHouseWivesAreTeamIronMan
@wakanda_bullshit_is_this: fuck you #NYHouseWivesAreTeamIronMan
@meryuko: #NYHouseWivesAreTeamIronMan
@unfriendlybackhottie: purr #NYHouseWivesAreTeamIronMan
@hallowtide: exactly #NYHouseWivesAreTeamIronMan
@jeeun: Consider this: we don’t like you #NYHouseWivesAreTeamIronMan
@oliviaj: I’m burning sage for you @ironman #NYHouseWivesAreTeamIronMan
@druswriting: getcho ass OUTTA HERE.
@buhfly: deadbeat #NYHouseWivesAreTeamIronMan
@kylen_stracci: LMAOOOOOO #NYHouseWivesAreTeamIronMan
@anticapunited: I wish your mama smacked you more often
@stanloona: entitled pos #NYHouseWivesAreTeamIronMan
@citizen001: we stand with you #TeamCaptainAmerica
@madinalewis: no tf we don’t #NYHouseWivesAreTeamIronMan
@idaero: hey @hayleystarr isn’t this ur husband
@hayleystarr: son of a bitch #NYHouseWivesAreTeamIronMan
@hayleystarr: well then, I hope captain america will be cooking dinner for you tonight, cause i’m not feeding one of his sycophants
@citizen001: hayley???
@wannabestark: SLAY
@little_miss_anime: TELL HIM!
@millicent100: WE LOVE YOU
@huntressfreya: me - mom, can I have a superhero? Mom: we have a superhero at home. The superhero at home:
@snapanda: HAHAHAHAHHA #NYHouseWivesAreTeamIronMan
@drakesdirtydurag: you made the housewives mad… if I were you, I would apologise and FAST.
@dcjokerhs: nah. It’s too late now. #NYHouseWivesAreTeamIronMan
@ahalf_emptygirl: the revolution has started! #NYHouseWivesAreTeamIronMan
@drakesdirtydurag: wow… rip mr america... I'm with yall tho #NYHouseWivesAreTeamIronMan
@thevision: Hello! Nice to meet you, my name is Vision.
@krath: I would die for you
@thevision: I would prefer that you didn’t
@krath: HIDBYUDN YOU’RE SO PRECIOUS, I DIDN’T MEAN LITERALLY
@thevision: Oh, I see! Sometimes I do not get humour very well
@dorkydiana: @krathAPOLOGISE IMMEDIATELY WITH TEARS
@thevision: There is no need!
@karinasharp: I would die for you too
@wadadada: DO NOT UPSET THE BABY!
@emusam: you are the cutest, omg, I think she was joking
@thevision: I see! That makes sense
@rowenaslytherin: you shall be my squishy and I shall be yours
@thevision: I do not know how to be a ‘squishy’ but as you wish!
@rowenaslytherin: oh my goodness, what a sweet boy you are! Tony must be so proud!
@thevision: Thank you! He is :)
@rowenaslytherin: as he should be!
@wikihowvsreddit: vision, why are you so adorable? I want to pinch your cheeks.
@thevision: I don’t think you will be able to, my cheeks are made of nearly indestructible metal.
@wikihowvsreddit: you cannot stop me!
@mvsk: marry me.
@thevision: I don’t believe I am ready for a relationship at this point. Perhaps we can be friends?
@mvsk: HE!
@zenithwithaz: oh my god
@fairy_frog: are you a Stark?
@ironman: Yes.
@fairy_frog: omg!!!
@thevisionstark: Tony said yes.
@igobynelisse: What is your best dish to make?
@thevisionstark: I think my peach cobbler. Colonel Rhodes liked it so much he took all of it away with him to eat alone when I made it!
@yoongisbutthole: That is amazing, I hope you share the recipe with us one day.
@thevisionstark: Pinky promise.
@diorjimin: you are ADORABLE
@hellno: im gonna cry he’s too cute
@yslkth: omg armys everywhere
@Mi_ch0w066: Settle this for us: who is Tony dating, Colonel Rhodes or Miss Potts?!
@thevisionstark: I am uncertain. @ceopotts @warmachine?
@ceopotts: it’s @warmachine
@warmachine: it’s @ceopotts
@kireiflora: omg yall… POLY KINGS AND QUEEN?
@onefour_one: If I were Tony Stark, I’d say don’t mind if I do!
@nobody123: I see the vision. AH! @thevisionstark
@thevisionstark: I apologise, I don’t think I can answer to all of you, there is so many!
@gravellingtothistempo: it’s okay sweetie, you don’t have to reply to all of us
@mykkila09: don’t worry about it!
@ayanablack: I’d die for you Vision, don’t worry!
@slashingmoon: don’t upset him, that is Baby
@tchouli: Officially the Internet’s baby… Gavin, you’re OVER.
@thevisionstark: I hope everyone that was involved in the Earthquake in Japan today gets checked out. @ironman, @warmachine and I will be returning soon to help with the relief, as will the Maria Stark Foundation. Stay strong!
@notwandamaximoffofficial: I am proud of you, Vision. And I miss you so much.
@thevisionstark: … Wanda?
@mykkila09: Oh hell no, who gave this bitch a computer?!
@noirmagiks: STAY AWAY FROM HIM @FBI @CIA @NSA @HOMELANDSECURITY @WHITEHOUSE @POTUS
@teedub: WHAT IS THE PRESIDENT’S PLAN TO GET RID OF WANDA MAXIMOFF?!
@ishtar205: @ironman GET RID OF HER! #ProtectVision #HousewivesofNYAgainstTheRogues
@wearethewitches: Anyone knows any dark magic spell? We need to put a curse or a hex on her #ProtectVision #HousewivesofNYAgainstTheRogues
@notloki: I’m in
@beyoncesnumberonestan: I’m in
@theeharkness: I’m in
@theeharkness: 
@doctorstephenstrange: …
@oliviaj:: any hacker around that can get her IP address? #ProtectVision #HousewivesofNYAgainstTheRogues
@atshuuri: working on it
@harleykeener: 
@atshuuri: 
@unhingedjennie: @wandamaximoffofficial you will die in seven days #ProtectVision #HousewivesofNYAgainstTheRogues
@mykkila09: You will not lay a hand against this sweetheart again #ProtectVision #HousewivesofNYAgainstTheRogues
@renlysroses404: Oh hell no, someone get their terrorist before I get my spatula out #ProtectVision #HousewivesofNYAgainstTheRogues
@captainamerica1: the internet has made some of you people entirely too comfortable disrespecting others. You have made Wanda cry with your relentless bullying! She is just a kid who misses her boyfriend! There is no need for all of this @ironman
@FofoAmr: GET TONY’S NAME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH, BITCH
@captainamerica1: language. And this is between me and Tony.
@annamariejames: This is between you and the Housewives of NY, actually. #ProtectVision #HousewivesofNYAgainstTheRogues
@margesimpson: Shut up, don’t ever mention him again #ProtectVision #HousewivesofNYAgainstTheRogues
@1_a11iy: Keep his name out of your mouth, are you CRAZY. #ProtectVision #HousewivesofNYAgainstTheRogues
@meredith_grey: You can’t even afford to @ him #ProtectVision #HousewivesofNYAgainstTheRogues
@mariahcarrey: Fuck you #ProtectVision #HousewivesofNYAgainstTheRogues
@veryimportantbusiness: #ProtectVision #HousewivesofNYAgainstTheRogues
@sunmiismother: nothing to say to you. #ProtectVision #HousewivesofNYAgainstTheRogues
@chungtastic: You lost our trust #ProtectVision #HousewivesofNYAgainstTheRogues
@captainamerica1: The hatred of people who are too scared to even show their face on the internet does not worry me. I will return when the Accords are overturned, and will continue to protect the little people, as I have always done.
@fairy_frog: Like when you killed those people in Nigeria with the help of your witch? #ProtectVision #HousewivesofNYAgainstTheRogues
@ayanablack: Nah, he’s talking about the tunnel he collapsed in Bucharest #ProtectVision #HousewivesofNYAgainstTheRogues
@wannabestark: Nah, he’s talking about all of the soldiers he killed #ProtectVision #HousewivesofNYAgainstTheRogues
@eddiediaz: No, he’s talking about my husband, who was mindcontrolled in New York, and who he threw out of the helicarrier. #ProtectVision #HousewivesofNYAgainstTheRogues
@teamironman: I’m so sorry
@martinezxoxo: RIP. He deserved better
@anafandom: @captainamerica1 fuck you, and fuck your insensitive ‘we cannot save everyone’ speech. #ProtectVision #HousewivesofNYAgainstTheRogues
@jeeun: As if I’d ever trust YOU to have my best sentiment at heart #ProtectVision #HousewivesofNYAgainstTheRogues
@Rodsan: I hope they never take away the Accords and not only because they are necessary #ProtectVision #HousewivesofNYAgainstTheRogues
@fencingqueen: some of the stuff in it is pretty unconstitutional, though #ProtectVision #HousewivesofNYAgainstTheRogues
@Rodsan: You should read the revisions they uploaded yesterday! Tony Stark is working hard to fix the worst of it, from what I can see and hear #ProtectVision #HousewivesofNYAgainstTheRogues
@fencingqueen: Of course Stark is. And the captain wants us to trust HIM? Please. #ProtectVision #HousewivesofNYAgainstTheRogues
@iamgoku: There have been revisions! #ProtectVision #HousewivesofNYAgainstTheRogues
@arcticvulpix: I would rather let the aliens take me. At least they won’t go on TV saying the mission was a success while people are still crying over their loved one on the streets #ProtectVision #HousewivesofNYAgainstTheRogues
@warmachineswife: You are a horrible person, and I swear I will go on strike if you come back #ProtectVision #HousewivesofNYAgainstTheRogues
@emusam: Don’t you EVER speak on Tony Stark or Vision again. #ProtectVision #HousewivesofNYAgainstTheRogues
@sarajparker: Something drastic must be done. Can we get his citizenship revoked or something? #ProtectVision #HousewivesofNYAgainstTheRogues
@tabala: Doubt that. He’s Captain ‘America’. #ProtectVision #HousewivesofNYAgainstTheRogues
@sarajparker: But there are some other things we could do. Okay, I’m making a groupchat, everyone who’s interested, retweet this. For Tony Stark! #ProtectVision #HousewivesofNYAgainstTheRogues
@yoongimarryme: YAS #ProtectVision #HousewivesofNYAgainstTheRogues
@usernametaken: viva la revolution #ProtectVision #HousewivesofNYAgainstTheRogues
@tonystarkfansuk: I am very pumped #ProtectVision #HousewivesofNYAgainstTheRogues
@onefour_one: and FUCK steve rogers #ProtectVision #HousewivesofNYAgainstTheRogues
+++
“Tones, holy shit,” said Rhodey, slamming the door of Tony’s bedroom open. Tony just managed to open his eyes blearily before Rhodey was all but jumping at him on the bed, nearly elbowing him in the gut by doing that. “Tones, look!”
“You know, maybe it is annoying when people do that,” groaned Tony, trying to push his friend off him. “Ugh, what do you want?”
“FRI,” said Rhodey, ignoring Tony’s complaints like the terrible friend he was. “Show him the news.”
Tony wanted to complain that he had no interest in the news and just wanted to sleep, but his traitorous daughter decided to obey Rhodey instead.
Immediately a holographic screen appeared in front of him, and Tony tried to make sense of what he was seeing and what he was hearing.
Partly, because he was half asleep.
But also, because it made no sense.
“Is that... what the hell is that?”
“The housewives of New York and DC,” said Rhodey, looking like he was failing his battle against laughter. “Coming out en masse to make sure their disapproval of Steve Rogers and Wanda Maximoff is very well noted.”
“What.”
“Yesterday, Wanda tweeted Vision,” said Rhodey, which had Tony immediately much more alert and awake. “It did not go well for her. Rogers tried to defend her as usual, and then said that they’d be needed again, and once the Accords are gone, he’d come back.”
“Is Vision okay?” asked Tony, rubbing his face. “And seriously? He still thinks the Accords might be overturned?”
“Yep,” said Rhodey, showing him his phone. “The hashtags #ProtectVision, #ProtecttheStarks, #HousewivesofNYAgainstTheRogues and #AccordsYesRoguesNotReccomended are trending.” Tony’s eyes widened, and Rhodey shrugged. “What? I was feeling petty and wanted to help out the cause.”
It was everywhere.
“The Housewives have brought New York to an actual standstill. It’s insane. Even President Ellis’ wife tweeted against Steve, and Ellis has been trying to call me and you for hours.” Rhodey smirked. “I’ve been letting him go to voicemail.”
“Holy fuck,” said Tony, watching in awe all that was before him. A small part of him wondered what would have happened if the Siberia videos had also come out. Then he decided he did not want to see so many sweet ladies - and other non ladies with them - risk jail time for him.
However.
Tony pulled up his phone and opened the Twitter app, ignoring the thousands of mentions he had. He did not open any tweet or check out the trending page, instead only tweeting a couple of words.
@ironman: Thank you. #ProtectVision
He did not check the replies that appeared as soon as he clicked send. He barely even checked to see what was going on on the television, or what President Ellis was going to do.
Instead he went off to find Vision.
The synthezoid was in the kitchen, working on a peach cobbler.
He was quiet, despite having clearly seen Tony come in.
Tony did not say anything, just came stand by him and helped him make it.
The next day, the Rogues were somehow found in Kenya. Many Kenyan women had participated in the hashtag, changing New York with Kenya, and were equally as unimpressed by the Rogues.
As soon as they saw them, they chased them around with pans and other kitchen utensils used as weapons. Maximoff tried to use her powers on them, but she never saw the frying pan aimed at the back of her head coming.
Rogers and Romanoff had nearly escaped, but they were taken down by some women with matching red uniforms who claimed they were Kenyan even though they spoke a different language between each other.
Lang, Wilson and Barton all went down laughably easy.
Rhodey picked them up a few hours later, and Twitter celebrated when he posted a picture of himself eating Tony and Vision’s peach cobbler, with the tied Rogues accidentally photobombing in the background.
The US - and the world, really - learnt an important lesson: never mess with the housewives.
