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Eddie was just drying his hands from the after-dinner cleanup when the doorbell rang. He frowned. Who could that be? I’m not expecting anyone.
“I got it!” he heard Chris say.
“Okay!” He could have beaten Chris to the door, but that wasn’t the point, so he just hung back in the kitchen, listening.
He heard the door open. “Hi,” he heard Chris say.
“Um…” he heard an older, female voice reply. “We’re looking for Mr. Diaz?”
“Just a sec. Dad!”
Eddie popped out into the entryway and froze.
Margaret and Philip Buckley were standing on his front porch.
They knew that Buck’s parents were in town. They had come to visit Maddie and Jee-Yun for a week (staying at an AirBNB, Maddie had told them with a relieved look on her face). Buck had made it clear that he didn’t want to have any contact with them, so he and Eddie hadn’t expected a visit, or to see them at all.
And yet, here they were. When Buck wasn’t home. He had a feeling that wasn’t a coincidence.
He schooled his expression and joined Chris in the doorway. He had met the Buckleys one time, very briefly, when they’d come to the firehouse. He doubted they’d remember him as anything more than some random firefighter who showed them up to the loft and then fetched their son. He put his hand on Chris’s shoulder. “Can I help you?” he said, keeping his voice neutral, with effort.
Philip looked like he wished he could vanish into a convenient hole in the ground. Margaret looked somehow simultaneously nervous and defiant. She was clasping her hands tightly together. “We’re Margaret and Philip Buckley.” She watched his face carefully to gauge how that landed.
He nodded. “I know. I’m Eddie, Evan’s husband. And this is our son, Christopher.”
She looked down at Chris, her chin trembling slightly, her eyes full of…something. “Christopher,” she repeated. “It’s nice to meet you.”
“You’re Papa’s parents?” Christopher said.
She visibly reacted at hearing Christopher refer to Buck as ‘Papa.’ “Yes. We’re your…Papa’s parents.”
“Then you’re my grandparents!” Christopher said, sounding excited. Eddie envied his optimism, and hoped it wasn’t about to be crushed.
Philip smiled. “Yes, we are,” he said, putting a steadying hand on Margaret’s arm. She looked like she might be about to pass out.
They were looking at him, somewhat expectantly. “If you’re looking for Buck, he isn’t here,” Eddie said. “He’s filling in on a shift tonight.”
Margaret sagged a little. “Yes, we know. He…he asked us not to contact him again. We’re trying to respect his wishes. But we hoped that maybe…we could talk to you?”
Eddie really, really wanted to tell them to get the fuck off his porch and never darken his doorstep again. He wanted to tell him that they didn’t deserve to utter Christopher’s name. He wanted to reach out and shake them, and demand to know how dare they come here after the damage they’d caused their son, damage Eddie had to live with every day, that he’d tried to undo with limited success. He wanted to tell them that they were not welcome in their home, not after how they’d treated their sweet, innocent son. That it made him sick to think about the boy Buck had once been, wanting only love and approval and attention and going without. He wanted to wrap that boy up in his arms and keep him safe, but he could only do that for the man the boy had become. He wanted to cast them out with righteous fury on behalf of the man he loved, who he would defend until his last breath.
But he couldn’t. He couldn’t burn that bridge, because it wasn’t his to burn. Buck was living in the land of no-contact right now, but Eddie knew him, and he knew that at some point — perhaps soon — he’d want to try again with them, as he had before. And Eddie would be there for him in that as he was in all things, and he couldn’t do that if he’d torpedoed the possibility of having his own relationship with these people.
He stepped back and swung the door open. “Come in,” he said, wondering if this was how hapless characters in horror novels felt when they were tricked into inviting the vampire over their threshold.
The Buckleys entered. He was relieved that he’d done a quick tidy-up sweep before dinner. Anger at them aside, he couldn’t help but feel that urge to impress his fiancé’s parents. He saw them looking around and he wondered if they were taking note of their son’s presence in this home, his home. The photographs of their family. Of Maddie and Chim and Jee. Of their 118 family, of Eddie’s parents and siblings, of their friends and of each other.
Margaret stopped and picked up one of the more recent additions. It was a photo Janet had taken of them at Korokia, their second night there. They were mid-dance under the fairy lights, caught beaming wide smiles at each other, and when he’d first seen it, Eddie had been struck dumb by the look of happiness on his own face. They’d used it as their engagement photo. “Evan,” Margaret said, quietly. She glanced up at Eddie. “He looks so happy.”
That’s right. He’s happy with me, in the family we made together, in a way that he never was in your family. “That was a good night,” he said, as blandly as possible. “Please sit down. Will you excuse Chris and me for a moment?” He urged Chris towards the hall with one hand on his shoulder.
“What?” Christopher said.
“Come with me, ok?” he said, in his best ‘I’ll explain in a minute’ voice. Christopher followed him without comment, into Christopher’s room. Eddie shut the door behind them.
“What’s going on, Dad? You’re being weird.”
“Yeah, um. It’s hard to explain.”
“You don’t like them, do you? Papa said his parents aren’t great.”
“I don’t really know why they’re here. It was a surprise.”
“Yeah, a big one!”
“Listen, I know you’re probably curious, but…I think it’s best if you stay in here, and play some games. With headphones in.”
Chris frowned. “Will there be yelling?”
“I hope not. Even though parts of me want to yell.”
“Why?”
“Because they hurt Buck a lot, and I love him, so that makes me angry.”
Chris nodded. “Can I yell at them, too?”
Eddie smiled. “I appreciate that you want to. But…I think I need to have some grown-up conversations with them before I feel okay having you hang out with them. Maybe that can happen. Or not. Just…stay in here, okay?”
“Okay, Dad. But tell them they better not hurt Papa anymore.”
Eddie nodded. “Oh, I will,” he said, low, as he left the room and shut the door.
The Buckleys were sitting on the couch, right at the edge, backs ramrod straight, looking as uncomfortable on a couch as it was possible to be. Eddie took a seat in a dining room chair that was still sitting by the coffee table after being dragged in here for a game of Ticket to Ride.
“Your home is lovely,” Margaret said, after an almost-awkward length of time passed.
“Thank you. We bought this house almost two years ago.”
“Oh, you own it…together?”
Eddie took a beat. “Yes. We’re legal partners.”
“Of course. Of course.” She was looking at him. “I think…you look familiar.”
“We met once, very briefly, when you came to our firehouse. I took you up to the loft, then went and got Buck.”
“Yes, that’s right. I apologize, we were…distracted. And anxious to speak to him.”
Eddie nodded. “What is it you want from me, Mrs. Buckley?”
Philip reached out and took her hand. She made several attempts to speak, drawing in a breath and opening her mouth, only to shut it again and exhale. She looked over to that engagement photo again, framed and sitting on the side table. She picked it up and stared down at it. “It’s not just Evan who looks happy here,” she said. “You do, too.”
“I was. I am.” He sighed. “I’m happy wherever I am with him.”
Her face pinched in for a moment, then smoothed. She met his eyes. “I ruined him. We ruined him. I’m…learning to acknowledge my part in it.”
Eddie knew therapy-speak when he heard it. “You don’t know him at all, do you?”
“No. I gave up that right. To know him.”
“Is that why you wanted to see me? To know him, through me?”
Margaret touched the glass surface of the framed photo. “He’s told you everything, hasn’t he? About…how he grew up.”
“He’s told me a lot. Maddie has told me some.” Her head popped up at this, as if she hadn’t considered that Eddie would have a relationship with her daughter, as well as her son.
She put the photo down and wrapped her arms around herself. “Losing a child is…well. You have one. I think you can imagine.”
“I don’t want to, but yes.”
“It was all I could see. All I could feel. I…I was weak. I wasn’t a mother. I lost myself in the grief for my son and never looked around enough to see that I had another son who needed me. I was not a mother to him. Maddie was the closest he had. I failed him. I can never take that back.” She put her hands to her face. “I don’t deserve his forgiveness.”
“As recently as last Christmas, you were belittling our relationship and rejecting Christopher as a grandchild, implying that he was worth less to you because of his CP. And you want either of us to forgive you?”
“You hate me, too?”
“I hate what you did to him. I hate what he’s had to overcome because of you. I said before that you don’t know him? Well, I do. I know him better than anyone, except maybe Maddie. To you, he is ruined, but to me, and everyone else who loves him, he is a survivor. Your son is a kind-hearted, giving, selfless man who will do anything for the people he cares about. He came into my life when I was lost and flailing and helped me find myself. But I had to force him to think about what was best for him, we all did, because he won’t do it. He’s so desperate to be of use to others that he will lie down on the train tracks just to cushion the wheels and not give a thought to his own well-being. You did that to him. You made him believe that he was only worth what he could do for others. I love your son more than my own life, Margaret. But I have to constantly stop him from sacrificing himself on the altar of other people’s needs, even mine and Chris’s, and try to get him to believe that he has value just for who he is. I’m still not sure he believes it. I live with the fallout of your failures on a daily basis, and so does everyone else who cares about him, and that’s a lot of people. You want to be his family again? Get in line. He has a family, family who is there for him. He has parents and sisters and brothers and nieces and nephews and he has a husband and son who adore him. He is safe with us, and I don’t think he would ever be safe with you.” Eddie sat back, his pulse racing. He’d kept his cool as best as he could expect to, but he could feel his nerves jangling.
They both just stared at him for a moment. Margaret’s lower lip was trembling. “I…I never knew. How much we…how much I was hurting him. It was like having a haze over everything, a veil I couldn’t see through. I know it’s not an excuse.”
Eddie couldn’t help but feel a little bit of pity for them. He’d tasted, just for a few moments, the horror and trauma of losing his child, and these people had lived with it for years even while Daniel was still alive, let alone after his death. And having gone to such lengths to save him only to have it be for nothing…he couldn’t sympathize, but he could see how it could happen. “There are reasons and then there are excuses,” he said. “A reason is an explanation for behavior. An excuse is an attempt to escape accountability. What you’re giving me…those are reasons. It doesn’t negate the harm. But it’s a start.”
She sniffed, hanging on to Philip’s hand. He cleared his throat. “Buck is very lucky to have you,” he said.
Eddie shook his head. “I’m the lucky one. We are all lucky to know him. I can’t imagine my life without him.”
Margaret spoke slowly. “It’s no small thing to realize that your son is the man he is in spite of you, instead of because of you,” she said. “We’ve been seeing a therapist for over a year. She says that we have to be clear about what we want, and accept that we can’t control whether or not we get it.”
“What is it you want?” Eddie asked.
“I want a relationship with my son,” she said, her voice firm. “I know you have no reason to believe that, given…everything.”
“You spent most of his life trying to avoid that, it seems to me.”
“You’re not wrong. I can’t change that. And I can’t force it now. It has to be on his terms.” She met his eyes. “Will you tell him?”
Eddie’s jaw clenched. “No. I won’t be your go-between. I am on his side, always. Not yours. I won’t make your case for you. If he wants a relationship with you, I will support him in having that. But I won’t advocate for you. Only for him. Understand?”
She nodded. “I understand. But how can I…he’s asked us not to contact him. I don’t want to start by going against that request. I…he needs to know we’ll respect his boundaries.”
“Yep. That is a dilemma.” Eddie said nothing else.
Margaret nodded. “I…it’s not just him. I’d like to…know you, as well. And your son.”
“Knowing our son is a privilege. You’re going to have to earn it.”
“We’ll try,” Philip said. “We’ve been talking with Maddie about coming here for the holidays.”
Eddie’s head spun. His family was coming for the holidays this year; the current plan was to have Christmas Eve at Bobby and Athena’s with the whole gang, then Christmas Day here at Buck and Eddie’s house with the Diazes plus Maddie, Chim and Jee-Yun, Albert and the Lees. He didn’t want to think about how the Buckleys would be incorporated into all this without sending Buck into a tailspin.
“And…I understand you haven’t set a date yet, but…we’d be honored to be present at your wedding.”
“That’s a conversation Buck and I will have…at some point,” he said, adding that to his mental list of the seventy-eight other pre-wedding conversations they had to have.
“Of course,” Philip said, getting to his feet with an air of oh my look at the time about him. Eddie got up too, relieved that he wouldn’t have to be the one instigating their departure. “Eddie, thank you for speaking to us.”
I hope I don’t regret it. “You’re welcome,” he said, still trying to maintain blandness.
Margaret gave Eddie a beseeching look as Philip herded her to the door. “Goodnight,” she managed, her voice a hoarse whisper.
Eddie watched them get into their car, back out and leave. He spotted Margaret wiping tears away with a handkerchief.
Fuck. Now what?
He went to Christopher’s door. “Chris?”
“Yeah, come in,” he said. Christopher was at his computer, but he did not have any headphones on. “Are they gone?”
“They’re gone.”
“I didn’t hear any yelling.”
“No, there wasn’t any. Everything was really…polite.” He took a deep breath. “I need your help with something”
“What?”
“I think…I don’t think Papa should know that they came here.”
Chris frowned. “Why not?”
“He doesn’t want to have any contact with them. I probably shouldn’t have let them in to begin with, but it’s too late now. If I tell him they were here, he’s going to want to know what they said, and…if he’s not ready for that, I don’t want him to feel like he has to hear it.”
“So you want me not to tell him?” Chris looked confused and a little bit upset.
Eddie steeled himself against the self-recriminations he was going to have to subject himself to later. “Not…now. Not for a while.”
“Won’t he be mad when he finds out?”
“Maybe. I’ll deal with it. He won’t be mad at you.”
Chris made a disgruntled noise. “Okay. If you think we shouldn’t tell him.”
“I just…it’s my job to protect him.”
“Does he think that’s your job?” Chris asked, still looking skeptical.
Eddie sighed. “You’re too smart for me, kid.”
It took two days for the shit to hit the fan.
Eddie was unloading the dishwasher when he heard the front door open. Buck had picked up Chris from school on his way back from racquetball.
“Eddie?” he heard Buck say, and he froze.
Shit.
He knew that tone.
“Yeah, I’m in the kitchen,” he said, hoping he sounded calm.
Chris went by the kitchen doorway and shot him a look. “Sorry, Dad,” he murmured, then headed to his room.
“Meet me outside when you’re done.” Buck’s voice was clipped and stony. Eddie heard his footsteps pass on by, then out the patio doors to the backyard.
Fuck.
He abandoned the dishwasher, wiped his hands, and followed him.
Buck was walking back and forth in the yard, his arms folded over his chest. Eddie shut the patio door behind him, went down the deck steps to the grass, and braced himself for his fate. “Okay,” he began. “I can see you’re upset…”
Buck stopped and stared at him. His jaw was clenched, his eyes angry. “Upset? You wanna tell me why you told my son to lie to me? Which we should both be grateful he totally failed at.”
Eddie ran a hand through his hair. “It was the least awful of my options.”
“My parents were here? In our home?”
“Yes. They showed up when they knew you were on shift.”
“So knowing I didn’t want to have any contact with them, they did an end-run around me to worm their way into my house to get to you and Christopher.”
“That’s one way to look at it.”
“And you just…decided I shouldn’t know about that.”
Eddie sighed. “Because I knew you didn’t want any contact. And if I told you they were here, you would want to know what they said…in fact, they asked me to tell you what they said. I refused. I wasn’t going to be their go-between.”
“Oh. So this was about you, then.”
“No! Buck…I was trying to protect you.”
“Shouldn’t I get a say in how much protection I need from my own parents?”
“I know how much they can affect you, even from a distance! I just…”
“Didn’t want to have to deal with me being affected.”
“What? No! That isn’t it! Buck…” He took a step closer. “It tears me up to see you in pain because of your parents. I can’t stand to watch you shrink into yourself around them.”
“This isn’t about me,” Buck said. “It’s about you and your need to control everything. About you deciding for other people what’s best for them. You’re not my father, Eddie. I need you to have my back, not shut me away from anything that might upset me. Or is it that you don’t want to deal with the fallout? With me maybe not being happy fun Buck for five seconds?”
“No!” Eddie exclaimed, appalled. “Evan, I love you whether you’re happy and fun or not! I’m here for you when you’re struggling just as much as when you’re not. Is it so wrong that I don’t want you to suffer? Does that make me a bad partner?”
“Maybe! If you’re taking away my choices about my own relationships! It’s not up to you if I suffer because of whatever bullshit my parents are on this month, it’s up to me. I decide if I’m going to let them affect me or not and you don’t get to make that choice for me!”
“What else was I supposed to do?”
Buck waved his hands in the air like he was plucking options out of it “Oh, I don’t know! You could have just not let them in! Or you could have said to me, hey, your parents were here, we had a conversation, do you want to hear about it or not, and then let me decide!”
Eddie kicked himself, for the tenth time today. “Yeah. That would have been…better. Look, I was just as thrown by them showing up as you would have been. I was not prepared to have that conversation with them at that exact moment, or with you. It’s not like we strategized what to do if your parents decided to dive bomb me when you weren’t home.”
“No, I guess not.” Buck sighed. “Look, I’m…I know you were trying to do the right thing, but it’s hard for me not to think that it was also the easiest thing, for you. And how did you think this was gonna go? Did you really think I wouldn’t find out? Not your finest hour, Eddie.”
“Yeah, no shit,” he muttered, kicking at the grass. “I never said I was always going to make the right choices.”
“That’s what I depend on you for, though. I’m the impulsive, over-emotional fuck-up. You’re the guy who makes the right choices.”
“Like abandoning my wife and son to go to war, then doing it again? Like working out my anger issues in illegal cage fights instead of with a therapist?”
“Now you’re just cherry-picking.”
“You’re not an impulsive fuck-up. You think I’d have trusted my son with someone I didn’t have confidence in?” He smiled; it felt sad on his face. “Best choice I ever made was picking you as a partner.”
“And now you’re sucking up to me.”
“Would sucking resolve this situation?” Eddie said, trying on a flirty smile.
“Ah yes, step three, sexual innuendo.” Buck shook himself all over. “Look, I…I gotta go. I love you. We’re okay. But I need a little space.”
Eddie nodded, disappointed. “Okay. Whatever you need.”
“But I want to know what my parents said. Later.”
“Yeah.”
Buck went past him and up onto the patio. He paused and turned back. “I won’t be back for dinner, or for Chris’s bedtime. Say goodnight to him for me. I will be back before you go to sleep. We’ll talk then.” He disappeared into the house, leaving Eddie to stand in their yard and beat himself up.
Maddie was surprised to see him when he showed up at their house, which told Buck that she didn’t know about their parents’ surprise visit. “Hey!” she said. “Did I know you were coming over?” She cocked her head, her eyes going to the side as she tried to remember if she’d forgotten plans.
“Nope. I just…needed a little space.”
“Oh,” she said, the follow-up question visibly rising to her lips and being squashed. “Sure, come on in. Chim’s teaching his class tonight so it’s just us girls.”
“Perfect.” He went into the living room. The second Jee-Yun spotted him, she jumped up and ran over, arms up.
“Uncle Buck!” she said, giggling as he swept her up into his arms.
“Here’s my lil nugget,” he said, rubbing his nose on hers, which always made her giggle more. He glanced over at Maddie. “Are they coming over tonight?”
“No,” she said, not needing to ask for clarification on who he meant. “They were here earlier. They went up to Ventura tonight to meet up with some college friend of Dad’s.”
He nodded, taking a seat on the couch and settling Jee on his lap. “They, uh…showed up at our house.”
Maddie’s eyes widened, confirming that she’d known nothing of this. “What? When?”
“Two nights ago, when I was covering that shift.”
“Ohhh,” she said, sitting next to him. “That explains it.”
“What?”
“Well…they were here for dinner and they wanted to know how the firehouse schedules work, which led to Chim casually mentioning you were covering a shift that night and they got all fidgety and weird. They left kind of early. I guess that’s why. So they wanted to talk to Eddie?”
“Yeah. They knew I didn’t want to see them or talk to them so they thought they could worm their way in with my husband instead. But…he didn’t tell me. And he asked Chris not to tell me.”
Maddie winced. “Yikes.”
“Yeah, I’m kind of furious, but I’m already halfway to forgiving him. He didn’t do it to hurt me.”
“You can’t stay mad at him.”
“No. Maybe if he’d been cruel or thoughtless or vindictive…but Eddie would never be any of those things.” He sighed, then met her eyes. “Did they say how late they’d be in Ventura?”
“No, but you know they don’t like to be out very late. They’re probably on their way back to their rental.”
He thought for a moment, then decided. “Can you text them and ask them to come here?”
She watched his face. “Sure. Do you want me to say that you’re here?”
“No. They ambushed Eddie, they don’t get a warning.”
Chris was quiet during dinner, which was a rather slapdash affair of tuna fish sandwiches, pita chips and hummus, and baby carrots. “Is Papa coming back?” he said, quietly.
Eddie felt the question like a knife through his heart. “Absolutely. He will be here in the morning. He said so, and he wouldn’t let you down.”
“I’m sorry, Dad. I tried.”
He put down his sandwich. “No, Chris. Do not apologize to me. I need to apologize to you. I should never have asked you to keep a secret from him. It wasn’t fair, and it wasn’t right.”
“Why did you, then?”
Eddie reached out and took one of Chris’s hands. “Sometimes I miss the days when you were little, and thought your parents had all the answers. I hate to tell you, but I’m just a regular guy who doesn’t always make the right decisions.” Chris rolled his eyes, fondly, as if to say no duh. “And I’m afraid I don’t always think the best when I’m trying to protect your Papa, or when I’m worried about him.”
“Because you love him.”
“Yes. And because I do, I want to spare him from anything that might upset him, even if that’s…well, being upset is just part of life, and if I try to hide things away from him, things about his own life and his own family, that’s not really my place. I’m supposed to stand next to him when bad things happen, not try to hide them from him.”
“And his parents coming was a bad thing?”
“I don’t know if it was bad, exactly, but it’s something he’s said he doesn’t want. And it’s something that would probably make him feel bad in ways that he’s worked really hard to overcome.”
Christopher stared at his plate. “I can’t imagine not wanting to see you and Papa.”
Eddie’s throat closed up a little. “Thanks, Chris. I hope you always want to see us, the way we’ll always want to see you.”
“Do you want me to stay?” Maddie said, glancing at her watch. “They should be here in a few minutes. I can take Jee next door to Alfie’s?”
“No, it’s fine. Stay. I could use the moral support.”
“Okay.” She refilled Buck’s iced tea glass and sat on the couch while he played with Jee-Yun on the floor. He watched her baby giggles and listened to her indecipherable babblings and felt the tug again, of wanting another child. He and Eddie had been putting off the conversation they had to have about that, but it would not be put off for much longer.
By the time the door opened and he heard his mother’s voice, Buck felt simultaneously ready to face them and like he wanted to jump up and escape out the back door before they realized he was there — just run to his own house where he was loved and appreciated unconditionally. But in truth, it was that same unconditional love he got from Eddie and Chris, not to mention Maddie and Jee and the rest of his family, that gave him the strength to face these people, again.
Margaret and Philip came into the living room and stopped short upon seeing him on the floor with Jee. “Evan!” Margaret said. Her expression was startled, fearful, and a little hopeful, maybe? Might be wishful thinking on his part, and the fact that he was apparently still capable of wishing for his parents to hope for a relationship with him was telling.
“Mom, Dad,” he said. He got up but made no move to greet them.
“We…didn’t think we’d be seeing you,” Philip said, haltingly.
“I know. Didn’t stop you from going to my house, though, did it?”
They looked at each other. Margaret withered a little. “I know it was…a little sneaky. But you said you didn’t want to see us. I wanted to respect that.”
“I would have thought that it went without saying that me not wanting to see you also included you not ambushing my family.”
“We weren’t sure he’d even let us in,” she said.
“Well, he did. That’s his choice.” Buck sighed, and motioned to the couch. “Sit down. We should…talk.” He sat in the wing chair; Maddie perched on the chair’s arm, a warm presence at his side. “I didn’t think you’d want to see me any more than I wanted to see you. The fact that you went to such lengths…I was surprised.”
“I know. And that…shames me. That you’d be surprised that we’d put any effort into seeing you.”
“What’s changed, Mom? You were brushing me off less than a year ago.”
Philip looked at her, reaching out for her hand. She took a deep breath. “I…I’ve had some…realizations.”
“You mean, the years are creeping onward and you’re starting to feel time slipping away and you’re clawing at everything you think you’re supposed to have and show off to your friends, like a devoted family.”
“Evan, that’s uncalled-for,” Philip said.
“Am I wrong?”
“No, he’s not,” Margaret said, putting her hand on Philip’s knee. “This might surprise you, but I stayed in therapy.”
“You’re right. It surprises me.”
“My old one sent me to someone who specialized in parental trauma and…we both went. It has been difficult.”
“Okay,” Buck said, skeptical.
She met his eyes. “I have come to realize that I tried my hardest not to love you, or to become attached to your presence in my life,” she said.
“Um…wow. Okay. That’s…forthright.” It wasn’t as if Buck hadn’t known that, but he’d never have expected her to admit it.
“Losing Daniel was…well, you have a son. You can imagine.”
“I can’t even think about it.”
“I was so terrified of going through that again that…I would have done anything to just feel nothing. That way, if something happened to you, it would just…happen, and I wouldn’t want to die, myself. So I pushed you away, and the more you acted out to get my attention, the more I was convinced you’d die, too, so the more I pushed you away.” She shook her head. “It was wrong, and it wasn’t fair, and I can’t undo it.”
“This doesn’t excuse anything,” Buck said. “None of this was my fault. I didn’t ask to be manufactured for a job I couldn’t even understand.”
“Your Eddie said something very wise to me. He said, a reason is an explanation for your behavior. An excuse is an attempt to avoid taking responsibility for it.” She looked into his eyes again. “This isn’t an excuse. We both want to take responsibility. But you deserve an explanation. There’s more to it than that, of course there is, but…that’s the deep part, the part I could never face or admit to before.” She was welling up. “And of course when you struggled, which isn’t surprising given how little support you got from us, it was just validation that I was right not to invest too much energy in you.”
“I spent most of my life believing I was inherently unlovable and worth only what others wanted from me,” he said.
“I know. I wish…well. Wishing is pointless now. I’m not going to say I’m sorry. I am sorry, but saying so is empty. Our therapist says the only true apology is changing the harmful behavior. So…that’s what we’re trying to do. And it’s up to you if you accept it or not. If you don’t, we will respect that. That’s the price we will have to pay.”
Buck felt the tug behind his chest and berated himself that after all this time, after all the false hopes and failed attempts, he could still feel that primal yearning for his parents’ love. And really, was that so bad? Even if they weren’t up to keeping the promises they were trying to make now, he’d hardly be worse off than he already was. They couldn’t change everything good about his life, even if they gave up on him again. “All right,” he said, quietly. “I’ll be honest. I don’t think you deserve another chance. But I’ll give you one anyway. Not for you. For me, and my family.”
Margaret exhaled hard, the breath shaky. Philip smiled, although he still looked sad. “Thank you,” she said.
Buck got up. “Okay, hug it out,” he said, going for a joking tone, not sure he was really feeling it.
She popped up and came right into his arms, wrapping hers around his back. Buck hugged her, some primal lizard-brain part of him responding to his mother’s touch, much as he wished he could turn it off.
“Let me make some decaf,” Maddie said, going to the kitchen.
“Do you need to get home?” Margaret said, pulling Buck to sit next to her on the couch.
He glanced at his watch. It was just barely nine o’clock. “I have a little time.”
Philip harrumphed. “We were very impressed with Eddie,” he said.
Buck nodded. “He’s an impressive person.”
“He’s so handsome,” Margaret said, leaning in a little, like they were sharing a secret.
He heard Maddie snort from the kitchen. “Um, yes, he is. I agree.”
“But then, so are you,” she added, then looked a little surprised/embarrassed to have offered him this compliment.
Buck’s traitorous heart sent up a little warm shiver at this sliver of maternal approval. Would there ever be a time he didn’t react to it? It seemed ridiculous for a man in his thirties to still crave it. “Thanks, Mom.”
“Buck, I don’t mean to pry, but…how long have you known you were gay?”
“I’m not. Neither of us are. We’re not comfortable labeling ourselves. We love each other, that’s enough information for anyone.”
“It’s obvious he loves you very much.” Margaret put a hand on his forearm, lightly. “I’m…glad that you have that.”
Buck swallowed hard. “Me, too.” In his mind’s eye, he saw Eddie at home, putting Christopher to bed, doing the after-dinner dishes, maybe a load of laundry, getting himself ready for bed. What am I still doing here? He jumped up. “In fact…I need to go. I should get home to him.”
“Oh, must you?”
“Yeah, I…yes. But let me talk to him, and…maybe we can meet up with you again. Maybe with Christopher.”
“He’s such a charming boy, we’d like to get to know him.”
My housemate’s disabled son, you mean? Yeah, I’ll get back to you on that. “No promises. I might choose to see you, but Eddie’s got his own feelings about that.”
“Yes, he made that clear,” she said, shifting a little and glancing at Philip.
“At the very least, you’ll see me again during your visit,” he said, trying not to make it sound like this was something he was eager for.
“Good. We…hoped.”
Buck went into the kitchen, kissed Maddie’s forehead. “Gotta go,” he murmured to her.
She squeezed his arm, a warm smile on her face. “Go. Go talk to him.”
Buck all but ran out the door.
He got home around 9:45. The house was quiet, the kitchen tidy. Christopher’s room was dark, so he’d turned off his reading light and gone to bed. The door to the master bedroom was cracked open, a wedge of light spilling out. Eddie was still awake, and had no doubt heard him enter.
Buck pushed the door open and came in. Eddie was sitting up in bed with a book. He looked up over the tops of his (adorable) reading glasses. They just looked at each other for a long, drawn-out moment.
Buck said nothing. He went into the closet and undressed, putting on flannel pants but staying bare-chested. He brushed his teeth, turned off the bathroom light, came around to his side of the bed and climbed in. Eddie was watching him with a cautious gaze; he was probably unsure of Buck’s state of mind just now.
Buck immediately curled up against him, slipping his arm around Eddie’s stomach and tucking his head down into his shoulder. He felt Eddie exhale and shudder a bit, then his arms come around him at once. Eddie pressed a kiss to his forehead and pulled him closer. “Thank you,” he whispered.
“For what?”
“Forgiving me.”
“Never any question.” Buck turned his head and kissed Eddie’s chest. For a few peaceful minutes, he just lay in Eddie’s arms and let himself breathe. Eddie’s hand quietly stroked his bicep, his lips resting against Buck’s forehead. “I talked to them.”
“Okay.”
“They’re…trying.”
“Yeah. I got that sense.” He felt Eddie’s caution, his hesitance. “You’re going to let them try, aren’t you?”
“I wish I was strong enough to tell them to just go fuck themselves.”
“I think it takes more strength to try again. Anyway, you have me to tell them to go fuck themselves.”
Buck smiled. “You sound eager to do that.”
“I will never forgive them. Never.” Buck felt Eddie sigh. “You were precious and fragile, and they shattered you. No matter how whole you've been able to make yourself, I can't forgive them for the scars it left.” He slid his hand up to the back of Buck’s head and tipped it back so he could meet Buck’s eyes. “I reserve the right to hate forever anyone who hurts you, mi amor, whether you forgive them or not. I will carry the hate for you if it’s gotten too heavy to hold. But I’ll be polite if you ask me to, I’ll even let them get to know Christopher if you think we can trust them, but I will be silently judging them for what they did to you. It was emotional abuse, do not ever think that it wasn’t, and if I could go back in time and protect that innocent little boy I would do it, but I can’t. I will be with you however you want to deal with them, and if you ask me to, I will be the bad guy and banish them from our lives with no regrets.”
Buck’s chest felt tight. “Hey, what’d you just call me?”
“When?”
“Just now. It sounded a lot like ‘my love.’”
Eddie fidgeted a bit and flushed prettily. “Oh. Yeah, uh…that kinda slipped out. Sorry, I know it’s gooshy.”
Buck brushed his nose against Eddie’s cheek, sliding his hand up the other side of his face. “I liked it,” he whispered, pressing a kiss to the corner of his mouth.
He felt the corner twitch up. “Yeah?”
“Mmm hmmm,” he said, placing kisses across his jaw, then one on his lips. “And I love you, for everything you just said and like a million other reasons.” Eddie nodded, smiling, but Buck could see his relief at the affirmation.
“So, we’re…good?” Eddie said.
“Super good.” Buck kissed him again.
“How about we close out this incident with a nice apology blowjob?”
Buck grinned. “I’m at your disposal.” He went pliant under Eddie’s hands as he maneuvered him all the way onto his back and slid over on top of him. He felt like purring as Eddie trailed soft kisses down the center of his chest. He flicked his tongue over Buck’s nipples, his hands all over Buck’s chest and stomach as he moved down. He pulled Buck’s joggers off and got right to it, sliding his mouth over Buck’s hard cock, one hand circling the base. “Oh god babe, yeah,” Buck groaned, his hand going into Eddie’s soft hair, a bit longer on top these days.
It didn’t take long. Eddie had taken to the refinement of his oral sex technique with dedication and had become really good at it, as he was at most things. He could keep Buck on edge for an hour before letting him come, or he could get him off in thirty seconds when expediency was a priority, as it was tonight. One flick of his tongue in just the right spot and Buck was biting back a shout as he spilled into Eddie’s mouth. “Fuuuuuck,” he breathed out, gasping.
Eddie clambered back up, leaving open kisses along Buck’s belly and chest before settling back into his arms. He kept stroking him with one hand, signing in contentment. “Does it make me shallow if I really, really love your body?” he murmured, fondling Buck’s chest. “You’re built like a god. It’s…really hot.”
Buck rumbled low laughter. “If you’re shallow then so am I, because I love yours, too,” he said, one hand sliding down Eddie’s back to cup his ass. He shifted his head so his lips rested against Eddie’s forehead. He inhaled, like he was about to speak, then just let it go.
Eddie knew that move. “What?”
“Nothing.”
“No, it’s something.”
Buck sighed again, this time in frustration. “Nobody ever tells you that the downside of a long-term relationship is that you lose the ability to ever fool your partner about anything, ever.”
“That is also an upside. Now what were you going to say?”
“Just that…well…I won’t always look like this.”
“I know that.”
“I’ll get older. I’ll probably gain weight. I’ll get…wrinkles.”
“Those things will happen to me, too. Sooner than they will to you, I’m afraid.”
“Okay but…” He blew air out, his lips flapping a little. “You’re gonna tell me I’m dumb, but will you…still love me when I’m old and saggy? Wait, no. I know you’ll love me. Will you still want me when…I’m not like this?”
Eddie lifted his head to meet Buck’s eyes. “Buck, listen to me. You will always be beautiful to me. I will always want you.” He leaned in and kissed the worried frown off Buck’s lips. When he drew back, Buck was smiling, his eyes full of that relieved look he got when Eddie said something reassuring. “The question is, will you want me? I’m going to turn into a viejo before you know it.”
“Good. You’ll be the hottest viejo ever,” Buck said, grinning and rolling him over. “I can’t wait.”
Maddie handed Buck a glass of wine and clinked the rim of her own against it. “Cheers to reclaiming our free time,” she said, low. Their parents were returning to Hershey in the morning. Tonight, there was an all-house barbecue at Bobby and Athena’s, the first fire-fam gathering to which the Buckleys had been invited.
“Amen to that,” Buck said. He was trying to watch Eddie and Chris, who were with his parents at the picnic table in the backyard, without making it look too much like he was watching.
“That’s…going well, I think?” Maddie said, her eyes on them, too.
Chris was showing Margaret and Philip his scrapbook from summer camp the year before, which he had slaved over for months. He was sitting between them, gesturing wildly and telling animated stories with each page turn. Buck’s parents were sitting somewhat stiffly, but were smiling and seemed interested and engaged. He had to remind himself that they’d never interacted with a preteen grandchild before, and a little slack was appropriate. Eddie was sitting on the other side of the table, straddling the bench and turned half away, acting like he was looking out at the party — Buck could tell that he was keeping a keen eye on Chris and the Buckleys.
“I hope so. I have to admit, they’ve made an effort.”
She looked up at him. “You seem…lighter.”
He sighed. “Yeah. I am. But it’s not because of them, it’s because of him,” he said, nodding towards Eddie. “He’s being cordial to them but he’ll never forgive them. And that’s why I don’t have to be angry at them anymore. He’s doing it for me. He knew I needed to be free of that, so he just…took it.” He met her eyes. “You know what he said to me? ‘I will carry the hurt for you, if it’s gotten too heavy.’” She put her hand on his arm, her eyes going soft. “Yeah. That’s…” He let out a slow, shaky breath. “I get to be loved like that, Maddie. Every day. Nothing they say or do can take that away from me.” He handed her the glass. “In fact I think I need to tell him that, right now.” He went out to the backyard. Eddie’s face brightened when he saw him coming; he moved his legs to give Buck room to sit down on the bench by his side.
“Didn’t even bring me a refill?” Eddie teased him, holding up a mostly-empty beer bottle.
Buck leaned in and kissed him, a polite-company but meaningful kiss. “I love you,” he whispered.
Eddie looked surprised, but pleased. “I love you, too,” he said, matching Buck’s pitch.
Christopher made barfing noises. “Ugh, stop being gross,” he said. Philip laughed. Margaret was watching them, her expression an odd mix of touched, surprised, and confused.
“Are they gross a lot?” Philip said, low to Christopher, like they were sharing the joke.
“Super gross. All the time,” he said, giving a theatrical shudder.
“Don’t you think it’s nice that your…dads…love each other?” Margaret said, a little forced.
“I mean, I guess. But does there have to be so much kissing?”
“Christopher, we’re gonna play Mario Kart,” Harry says, running up to the table. “C’mon.”
“Okay!” Christopher jumped up, grabbed his crutches and hauled off after Harry without a word.
Margaret chuckled. “I guess I know where we rate.”
“Nobody rates above video games with his friends,” Eddie said. Buck could feel him controlling everything he’d probably like to say, now that it was just them.
She looked around at the party, the house, the gathering. “You’ve…got a lot of friends,” she said.
“Family,” Buck corrected. Eddie took his hand where it was resting on the table, lacing their fingers together.
Margaret glanced back to where Chris had disappeared into the house. “He’s wonderful.”
Eddie smiled, and while Buck loved hearing her say it, the cynical part of him wondered if it was a calculated comment. There was no quicker way to Eddie’s heart than through Chris. “Yeah, he’s amazing.”
She shifted, uncomfortable. “Can I ask about his…condition?”
Well, there went the ‘calculated’ theory. If she was just trying to get in good with them, she wouldn’t have gone for that topic. “You can say ‘cerebral palsy,’” Eddie said, patiently. It wasn’t the first time he’d had this conversation. “It isn’t a forbidden term, or an offensive one. We don’t pretend it doesn’t exist.”
“I’m afraid I don’t know much about it, besides just having seen people who have it.”
“Never too late to learn.”
“Is it…genetic?”
“Generally, no. CP is usually the result of a problem during pregnancy, birth trauma, or brain trauma in early childhood. Christopher experienced birth trauma.”
“Will it get worse?”
“The initial trauma won’t, but how his body reacts to it might. His physical abilities may change as he grows into an adult. They won’t necessarily get worse, but it’s hard to know.”
“He doesn’t seem to have any…um…”
“Intellectual disabilities? No. Only about a third of people with CP have cognitive or intellectual impairment.”
She wrung her hands together. “Does it hurt him?”
Eddie sighed. “Sometimes. He gets cramps and stiffness that can be painful. Normal painkillers help. He has massage therapy and physical therapy, and there are stretching routines we do with him to help. We do worry about managing whatever pain he has because he’s not good about verbalizing it. Frankly, he’s used to it, and he doesn’t tend to mention it unless it’s unusual.”
“I just hate to think of that sweet child in pain,” she said, her hand going to her mouth.
Buck jumped in. Eddie had difficulty with this subject. “Mom, Christopher manages himself very well. Try not to think of him as suffering, or as a victim. He hates that. He doesn’t think of himself that way, so you shouldn’t. We pay close attention to him, and he tells us when he needs support.”
She nodded. “You’re right, it’s…it shouldn’t be the first thing we think of, should it?”
“No. He’d rather talk about the solar system, or Minecraft.”
“It’s just…this is very…” She trailed off, looking at Philip.
“It makes you think of Daniel,” Buck said, quietly.
She nodded. “And you know how well that’s gone in the past.”
Eddie’s grip on Buck’s hand was becoming borderline uncomfortable. “Christopher is not sick,” Eddie said. “He isn’t an object of pity. He is a regular kid who has a body that requires some extra management, like a lot of people do.”
Margaret nodded. “That’s helpful. I’ll try to think of it like that.”
“Focus on who he is. You’ll be amazed how fast you’ll stop thinking about it.”
Philip was nodding, like he was getting important job-related feedback. “That’s good advice.” He hesitated. “It’s kind of you to help us with this.”
Eddie fixed them both with a steady gaze. “This isn’t me being kind. Nor is this about you. I know that Buck told you I was hesitant to allow you to have a relationship with Christopher.” They both nodded, but said nothing. “If you’re going to be grandparents to my son, then I expect you to make that a positive experience for him. Buck and I are his parents, and we will be there to make sure that happens. If you’re struggling with something, you come to one of us, or Maddie, if you need to. You don’t make it his problem, or expect him to be the one helping you. Understood?”
Margaret swallowed hard. “Buck said you were a good father. He was right.”
Buck walked his parents out to their car after they bid goodbye to Eddie and Chris and the other guests. Their flight was early, so they wanted to get back to their AirBNB and get some sleep.
“Well,” Margaret said, that old awkwardness rearing its ugly head again. “You’ve really built yourself a home and family here, Ev…Buck,” she said, correcting herself.
“I’m lucky to have all of them,” Buck said.
“They’re all so…impressive,” she said. “So smart and capable.”
Buck’s hackles rose. “Hard to believe they’d choose to associate with a bum like me, huh?” he said.
“No, that’s not what I meant!”
“But you’re still surprised that I’m surrounded by such…high quality people. People you can approve of.”
Philip held up a hand. “So now it’s a problem that we like your friends?”
“No. It’s a problem that you didn’t expect to. That you assumed that anyone who’d want me in their life would be just as messed up as I am.” He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “You know what, never mind. We’ve had a…good visit. I’m just working myself up.”
“I just don’t know what to say to you sometimes,” Margaret said, quietly. “Anything I say, you take it in the worst possible way.”
He met her eyes. “Maybe ask yourself how it is that I got used to doing that so much that it became a reflex.”
She nodded. “I know.” She drew herself up and shook off the exchange. “Can we talk soon?”
“Sure.”
“And we’d like to stay in touch with Christopher.”
“Good. He’d like that.” Buck made a quick decision, hoping he wouldn’t regret it. “And I’d like it if you could come to our wedding.”
Margaret smiled. “We’d love to. Just…let us know when it is,” she said, a touch of mischief entering her eyes. The still-unknown date of the mysterious Buckley-Diaz nuptials had been the butt of many jokes all evening.
“Yeah, you and everyone else,” Buck said, chuckling.
She hesitated, then carefully took a step closer and stood on tiptoe to kiss his cheek. Buck felt her hand clasp his for a moment, then she stepped back quickly. He wasn’t sure if she was considering his comfort, or her own, but it didn’t really matter. “I…” She cleared her throat and started again. “I want you in my life. I want to…be better at this. But it’s going to be hard.”
“I know. I’m…it means something that you want to try.”
His father extended a hand and shook Buck’s. “Thank you…son,” he said, his voice breaking a bit on the word.
“You too, Dad. You guys have a safe trip. Text me when you’re home.”
Margaret smiled at him, a sad and regretful smile, as Philip opened the car door for her and then shut it. Philip lifted his hand again in a wave as he went around to the driver’s side and got in.
Buck watched them pull out of Athena and Bobby’s driveway, giving one last wave. He heaved a deep sigh when their car was out of sight and gratefully retreated back into the house, back to the people he trusted, the ones who had always loved and supported him.
He wasn’t surprised to find Eddie waiting for him just inside the house, away from the party. He met Buck’s eyes, then stepped forward and silently opened his arms. Buck folded into them with a grateful exhale, finding his peace in Eddie’s embrace as he always did.
one month later
Buck had assumed that their various parental and family dramas were resolving themselves, with no more surprises on the horizon. He really should have known better than to get comfortable.
He and Eddie were cuddled up on the couch watching “Somebody Feed Phil,” Christopher in his room, when Eddie got a text. He casually picked up his phone to read it…then his entire body went tense. He got to his feet and took a few aimless steps, his face blank with surprise. Buck sat up, going on alert. “Um,” Eddie said, then stopped.
“What is it? Bad news?”
“Well…honestly, I don’t know.” He scrubbed a hand through his hair. “My mom says that…my grandparents want me to call them.”
Buck’s brain spun for a moment. Eddie’s grandfather had been dead for years, and they’d just talked to abuela yesterday. “Is she having a seance?” he said, hoping some levity would take the dumbstruck look off Eddie’s face.
“No, it’s…um. My other grandparents. Mom’s parents.”
And there went his brain on another wild swoop. “I thought they were dead!”
Eddie frowned. “Why did you think that?”
“Because you’ve literally never mentioned them.”
“Yeah, that’s fair. We don’t see them a lot.”
“Or talk about them? Or refer to them? Christ, I’m just now realizing I don’t even know your mom’s maiden name.”
“It’s Janssen.” Eddie flopped back down onto the couch, still staring at his phone. “My grandfather is first-generation. His father came over from Sweden before World War I when he was newly married. He had three sons, Gustav, Oskar, and Nils. Oskar is my grandfather. He married a nice Swedish woman, a fellow immigrant from their church, my grandmother Astrid.” He sighed, then met Buck’s eyes. “My mom grew up pretty wealthy. Oskar made a fortune in real estate in the fifties during the post-war boom. They live in Dallas and they’re…well, they’re WASPy society people, frankly. My mom has two sisters, Ingrid and Annika. They both married rich white Dallas businessmen. Cliff and Bruce, if you can believe it. I have five of the douchiest, whitest, preppiest cousins you can possibly imagine. One of them was a freaking Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader.” He lifted an eyebrow. “Get the picture?”
“I’m guessing that a son-in-law named Ramon Diaz wasn’t part of their master plan. Is your mom the youngest?”
“No, she’s actually the oldest, which made it worse. She was supposed to be the paragon, and usher the next generation of the family into white Dallas society, or whatever. She had other ideas. Instead of going to some upper-crust college and marrying a sports agent or something, she decided to go to UT in El Paso and study anthropology. That’s where she met my dad. The Janssens were…not thrilled. They sorta got over it. They’re cordial to my dad, once they realized the kind of man he was. They’ve been dutiful about being grandparents, I guess. We got cards on birthdays and Christmas with pretty nice checks in them. But we always knew that the brown grandchildren weren’t as favored as my cousins. They’ve never met Chris. I’m actually struggling to remember if they ever even met Shannon.”
“They weren’t at your wedding?”
“No, but It was kind of last minute, to be fair.”
“Nothing about this is fair, Eddie. It’s not like El Paso is on another planet. From Dallas it’s what, a ninety minute flight?”
“Yeah. But to hear them talk, you’d think El Paso was some outlaw border town overrun by cowboys and cartels and taquerias. They clutch their pearls at the very thought of going there.”
Buck rubbed Eddie’s shoulder. “Jeez, I’m sorry. That sucks. I can’t imagine any grandparent not being thrilled to have you as a grandson. Decorated war hero and firefighter and all that.”
“I don’t have a college degree, Buck. That’s an unforgivable sin. They don’t hate me or anything. Me and my sisters are just…outside their field of vision, kind of.”
“Can you please stop apologizing for them?”
Eddie looked like he hadn’t thought of that. “Is that what I’m doing?”
“Yes! They didn’t care enough to be involved in your lives and that’s shitty and it’s okay to be mad about it!”
He smiled down at Buck, that special smile he had that said I can’t believe you’re real and that you’re mine. “I love that you’re mad about it on my behalf. But the truth is that…I just don’t care enough to be mad. It’s hard to miss someone who was never there, you know? If I feel anything about them, it’s sad for my mom, although I think she wrote them off years ago. Notice how she acts like Dad’s family is all the family she has? She cooks abuela’s food and has her own mole sauce recipe. Ever hear of her doing anything remotely Swedish?”
Buck had noticed that, but he’d put it down to her not having a family of her own, which had been an assumption on his part. “So now they want you to call them?”
“I can only assume they’ve gotten wind of our engagement.”
“Well, if marrying a Mexican was out of bounds for your mom, I can’t imagine they’re thrilled you’re marrying a man.”
“I see you getting ready to do battle again but I really, really can’t overstate how much I don’t care what they think.” He glanced at his watch. “Well…it’s 8:30 in Dallas, might as well get it over with. Let me text them to see if now’s okay.” His thumbs flew over his phone.
“You’re going to call them right now?”
“I’d rather not dwell on it for days.”
“Should I…leave the room?”
“No! Why would you, you live here! But wait to get on the video until I say, okay? In case it goes south.”
“Sure.” Buck got up, then looked down at himself. “I’m going to…put on a decent shirt, at least,” he said, plucking at his threadbare LAFD t-shirt. He darted into their room and grabbed the first non-t-shirt shirt he saw, which was a light blue v-neck sweater. He pulled off the t-shirt and yanked the sweater on over his head, pausing to run a hand over his hair. He came back to the living room; Eddie, who’d already been wearing a respectable henley, was setting up his laptop at the dining room table. Buck sat down, out of the webcam’s field of vision. “Hey, let me mack on you for a second first,” he said, smiling. Eddie chuckled, then leaned in and returned Buck’s kisses for a few moments. “Okay, better?”
“Always,” Eddie said, booping the tip of Buck’s nose with his index finger. “I might ask you to slide over at some point, depending on how this goes, so they can see you.”
“Just say when.”
He nodded, took a breath, then initiated the call. Buck leaned in so he could see the screen, without being seen. He felt Eddie’s hand land on his thigh and squeeze gently.
The call was answered by a well turned-out, extremely pale but stunningly beautiful woman in her early 80s with perfect bobbed white hair and blue eyes. “Eddie,” she said, with…something approaching warmth. “Oskar, it’s Eddie,” she said, motioning off camera. A man joined her, wearing a button-up shirt under a v-neck sweater, with a perfect coif of silver CEO hair and equally blue eyes.
“Ed,” Oskar Janssen said. Buck wondered if they ever used his given name, in all its non-Anglo-ness.
“Grandma, Grandpa,” Eddie said, smiling calmly. “It’s good to see you.”
“You too. You look well,” Astrid said.
“Thank you.”
“And how is Christopher?”
“He’s very well, thanks.” Buck glanced at Eddie, wondering if he was hearing how stiff and formal and proper he was being.
“Is he in elementary school now?” Astrid asked.
Buck’s mind stuttered. It was normal to lose track of a kid’s exact age when you didn’t see him a lot, but to be that far off? He was less and less impressed with the Janssens.
Eddie blinked, then answered calmly. “Christopher is twelve. He’ll be in middle school next year.”
Astrid’s eyes widened. “Oh, my goodness! Time flies so quickly! I can’t believe he’s almost a teenager!”
“Neither can I. Mom said that you wanted me to call?”
“Yes. Please thank her for passing that along.” They glanced at each other. “Helena said that you’re engaged to be married again?”
“Yes, I am.” Eddie’s smile grew a little warmer and more genuine, and his fingers tightened on Buck’s thigh.
“Congratulations,” Oskar said. “Is Christopher is excited to have a new mom?”
Eddie blinked. “Um.”
Buck cursed internally. Helena couldn’t have at least fallen on that grenade for her son? And how on earth had she managed to tell her parents that Eddie was engaged without using a) Buck’s name or b) any gendered pronouns?
“What’s her name? How did you meet her?” Astrid asked, looking mildly excited.
Eddie harrumphed. “I see Mom left out a few important details,” he said.
“Oh?” That placid smile didn’t budge.
“My fiancé is a man.”
They both just sat there, blinking, like they were waiting for Eddie to say “Made you look!” or something. “A…man?” Astrid said.
“Yes. His name is Evan Buckley. He’s been my best friend for years, and he’s become another father to Chris. We just kept getting closer and closer until we realized we were in love. We got engaged a few months ago.”
“Eddie, you’re…you’re gay? We didn’t know that,” Astrid said.
Buck could see the debate flicker behind Eddie’s eyes as to whether to bother with the ins and outs of their mutual sexual-orientation ambiguity. “It’s okay, I never really came out or anything. It was a surprise to me too when I met a man I wanted to spend my life with.”
“Well,” Oskar said, his shoulders square and his face resolute. “That’s not what we expect in our family,” he said.
Buck felt Eddie tense up. “It isn’t my job to live up to expectations I never agreed to and had no part in setting,” he said. Buck felt like cheering.
Oskar’s jaw clenched. “We’ve always been respectable.”
“Good. So have I. My family will fit right in, then.”
“Oskar,” Astrid said, low. “Eddie, we’re just…surprised.”
“I expected you’d be surprised. I did not expect that you’d imply that my marriage would be offensive to you.”
“We never said that,” Astrid said, quickly.
“You kinda did.”
Oskar harrumphed. “It’s just…you’ve always been a man’s man, Eddie. With your military service and your career. I always admired that about your father, too.”
Eddie’s eyes narrowed. “I am not less of a man because I’m choosing a man as a spouse, nor am I a different person now. I’m still a veteran and I’m not changing careers.”
“So what’s this…fiancé of yours like?”
Buck watched Eddie’s face. “And what if I told you that he’s a five foot four choreographer who likes to wear eye makeup and is fond of showtunes? Would that change the calculus here?”
Oskar visibly paled. “Is he?”
“No, he’s a six foot two, 220-pound firefighter who flips tractor tires for a light workout.”
The degree to which this was a relief to Oskar was astonishing. “Oh…well, that’s…”
“Better? Is it? I won’t say how much I was tempted to let you keep thinking the choreographer was real. Because he could have been. And he would not have been less respectable nor would I have been if I were engaged to him.” He sighed. “I think you should meet my actual fiancé. He’s right here.”
Astrid’s eyes widened. “Oh, he’s…been there with you? This whole time?”
Buck slid his chair over and into the webcam’s frame. “Yep, this whole time. Hello, I’m Buck. I love showtunes, by the way. So does Eddie. We went to see ‘Wicked’ a few months ago. It was great.”
Astrid and Oskar stared at him. “Well, it’s…nice to meet you…Buck?” she said.
“Everyone calls me Buck. Except Christopher, who calls me Papa.”
Oskar visibly recoiled at this. “He calls you that?”
“I adopted him almost two years ago. I’m his father.”
Oskar and Astrid seemed struck dumb by this. “You…you adopted him?”
“Yes. Eddie and I have been domestic partners for awhile now.”
“What about Shannon?”
Buck’s brain just…froze up. He looked over at Eddie, whose face had gone totally blank. Surely they…no way. They couldn’t…Buck sighed. Holy shit. There’s not being terribly close to your grandson, and then there was…whatever this was.
When Eddie spoke, he said his words very carefully. “Shannon died four years ago, Grandma.”
Buck saw the moment when Astrid realized how badly she’d fucked up — as well as the fact that yes, she had known that, she just hadn’t prioritized the information enough to have retained it. “Of course, yes. I’m sorry. Of course she did.”
“You sent flowers.”
“Yes, yes,” Oskar said, harrumphing again to cover his own embarrassment. “Let’s…move on, shall we?”
“Move on? So we can all pretend that you didn’t just forget that my wife, Christopher’s mother, was hit by a car and killed?”
“It’s not as if we knew her very well,” Astrid said, hurriedly.
Buck was gripping Eddie’s hand; he was gripping back tightly, to the point that his fingers were quivering a little.
“So, Buck, what is it that you do?” Oskar said.
“I just told you, he’s a firefighter,” Eddie cut in. “We work together at the same station.”
“Of course, of course. Well…it’s good of you to, um…step in. To help, with Christopher.”
“I’m not helping. I’m his father. I’m Eddie’s partner. I love them both very much and we’re a family who support and care for each other,” Buck said. He was laying it on a little thick, but they sure as hell had earned it.
“When’s your wedding, then?” Astrid said, clearly hoping for a detour onto more pleasant topics.
“We haven’t decided yet. Should I bother to let you know when we’ve set a date?”
“Yes, of course, we’ll be very, um…pleased to attend,” Oskar said.
“Fine.” Eddie sighed.
“And your cousins, as well.”
“We may run into space concerns. I’ll let you know.” Eddie put on his “let’s wrap this up” facial expression. “Have a good night,” he said, flatly. Oskar and Ingrid got half a good-night out before he disconnected the call. “Motherfuck,” he muttered, dropping his face into his hands.
Buck rubbed a hand across his shoulders. “You okay, baby?”
“Yeah. I don’t know what I expected.”
“Probably not that they would have forgotten your wife died.”
He snorted. “Yeah. That was over the top, even for them.”
“Eddie, look at me.” He did. “Tell me that you know, like really know, that you’re a good and honorable man. Tell me you believe that.”
Eddie’s smile was wan. “I try to be those things.”
“You are. You’re the best man.”
“Oh yeah? I thought I was looking at him.” Buck blushed. Eddie leaned in to kiss him. “I appreciate what you’re doing, but it’s really not necessary. Like I said, I have absolutely nothing invested in their opinion.”
“It doesn’t matter. Hearing those things has to suck.”
Eddie shrugged. “Now the whole gang of them are going to want to come for the wedding.”
“How many people are we talking about here?”
“Well, only my aunt Ingrid - she’s the middle one - has grandkids. Annika’s kids are all in their twenties. My cousin Gus is my age, he has two kids around Chris’s age, then Julia has twins, I think they’re like…eight? I’ve never met most of these kids. I barely know my cousins.” He crossed his arms over his chest and shook his head, sniffing in disbelief. “They forgot. They forgot my wife died. Who does that?”
Buck put his hand back on Eddie’s shoulder. “Some fucked up, self-centered people. And I know you say you don’t care, but…I just need you to hear that whatever you’re feeling about it, even if you don’t think you should, is okay.”
Eddie was looking at him, his eyes soft. He lifted his hands and cupped Buck’s face. “And I need you to hear that you and Chris are the only family I will ever really need.” He leaned in and kissed him, gently but intensely. Buck kissed him back, his hands drifting to Eddie’s forearms.
Eddie got up, pushed Buck and his chair back a little, then settled himself on Buck’s lap, straddling him. “Oh,” Buck said, his hands going to Eddie’s hips. “It’s like this, huh?”
“Damn right,” Eddie said, bending to kiss him with a little more intent. Buck just held on to him and let him do as he wished, sensing that Eddie needed this right now. He’d give him anything, anything he needed in the whole world. Right now, it seemed like what he needed was to ravish Buck until he melted off this chair.
After a few moments of feverish making out, Eddie drew back and looked down at him, a little smile lurking at the corners of his mouth. “God, you’re hot,” he murmured, kissing Buck’s temple.
“Look who’s talking.”
He sat back on Buck’s thighs, his hands drifting down to rest on Buck’s abdomen. “Okay, I…I kinda wanna do something. It’s cheesy.”
“Okay? I can’t resist cheesy.”
“Could we, um…” He sighed, then just plunged ahead. “I want to announce…us. Our engagement. Like, on social media.”
“You mean…go Facebook official?” Buck said, smirking.
“Yes, don’t make me say it.”
“You barely use your Facebook.”
“Couple times a year. Kinda useful for this, though. I’m still friends there with most of my extended family, people I served with, people I know from El Paso.” He ran a hand through Buck’s hair. “I just want…everyone to know. To see you. See us.”
It didn’t take a genius to see what was prompting this. “Sure. Let’s do it.”
They spent longer than was probably necessary combing through Buck’s Google Photos to find good pictures to use. Eventually they settled on two. In the first, taken at the last 118 holiday party, Hen had captured them sitting side by side, both laughing uproariously at something. She’d caught them mid-glance at each other. The second was another Viv photo taken at Korokia their second night there. They were in casual suits for dinner in the courtyard, each with one arm around the other and Eddie’s free hand resting on Buck’s stomach. Viv had captured Buck pressing a kiss to Eddie’s temple; Eddie’s eyes were closed and a serene smile was on his face. It was intimate and loving, as much as the other one was joyful and relaxed.
That night, a post appeared on Eddie’s Facebook with that stupid little engagement ring icon and their two chosen photos:
Eddie Diaz is engaged to Evan Buckley.
Eddie’s text read: Can’t wait to be this guy’s husband. I couldn’t ask for a better partner, or a better father for my son.
A similar post went up on Buck’s at the same time:
Evan Buckley is engaged to Eddie Diaz.
Buck’s text read: How’d I get so lucky to meet this man, let alone get to spend the rest of my life with him?
After posting their announcements (not forgetting Instagram), they both put their phones on do not disturb and retired to their bedroom, where Eddie finished what he’d started in the dining room, laying Buck out and taking him apart as only he’d ever been able to do.
Lying in the quiet room afterwards, tucked together in a loose tangle of limbs, Buck sighed. “Shall we?”
“If we must.”
He picked up his phone and went to Eddie’s post. “Oh my. You have…eighty-four likes and hearts and thirty-two comments.”
“Holy shit. In what, an hour?”
“Not even.”
Eddie sighed, nuzzling his face into Buck’s neck. “Gimme the highlights.”
“First comment is from Sophia, it says ‘Yay, I can’t wait to have another brother.’ Aww, that’s sweet. Oh, but the second one is from Adriana, who says ‘Damn, this means I have another brother.’”
Eddie laughed. “What else?”
“Lena Bosko says ‘Aren’t you two already married?’”
“I think we might get that a lot.”
“I can’t exactly blame anyone for thinking that, I sort of use the terms partner, husband and fiancé interchangeably when I talk about you. Depends who I’m talking to.”
“Yeah, same.”
“Chim has a one-word comment: ‘Dorks.’”
“He says that to our faces.”
“A few pretty generic ‘congratulations, so happy for you, so sweet, etc’ from people. Who’s Norm Rodwell?”
“Guy I served with. He left a comment? Really?”
“Yeah. He says, ‘Didn’t know you played for that team, Diaz. How’d a nerd like you score that guy? He’s out of your league.’ Hmm, I think I like Norm Rodwell. Let’s invite him to the wedding.”
Eddie snorted. “Trust me, you do not want Norm Rodwell anywhere near liquor.” He hesitated. “So…nothing, like…rude? Or hostile?”
“No, not that I can see. But I think anyone who disapproved would just…not say anything?”
“Yeah, because that’s generally how social media works.”
“Okay, point. Aww, this one’s great. ‘Eddie, I’m so so thrilled to see this. You look so happy in these photos. Your fiancé is gorgeous, I can’t wait to meet him. Call me soon.’ Who’s Hazel Rockport?”
Eddie’s head popped up, a grin blooming on his face. “Hazel? Really?”
“Yeah. I don’t know that name.”
“She’s my cousin. On my mom’s side.”
“Didn’t you say they were all awful?”
“I believe my exact words were that I have five of the douchiest, preppiest cousins imaginable, which is true, but I actually have six cousins. Hazel is the black sheep of the Janssen family.”
“Yeah going by her profile photo she doesn’t look…Dallas WASPy, like you said they were.”
“More Dallas Hot Topic.”
“Okay, boomer. Hot Topic is so 2003.”
“How do you know that? All your clothes are from Old Navy.”
“I’m going to my post now. Oooh, I have more likes than you do!”
“It’s not a contest, babe. Also you have like five times as many friends as I do.”
“Don’t ruin my petty victories with logic. Maddie says she loves us both very much but you a little more. Hey!” Eddie snickered. “Oh, Lord. Taylor left a comment.”
“Dare I ask what cleverly passive-aggressive remark she had to offer?”
“She says, ‘Oh, if only I were a betting woman.’ Ugh, the betting thing again. I don’t know why that rubs me the wrong way so much.”
“Because you dislike the idea of people observing us over the years and thinking they knew better than we did what we were to each other.”
Buck thought for a moment. “Yeah. That’s it. The fact that they were mostly right just makes it more annoying.”
Eddie sat up, took Buck’s phone out of his hand and put it on the night table. “Social media torture hour is over. Bedtime.”
“Don’t you want to look at the Instagram posts?”
“Later. Right now I want you to fuck me so hard I walk funny for the next two days.”
“You know, sometimes I miss the shy, hesitant Eddie Diaz of yore.”
Eddie blinked. “When was I ever shy or hesitant in bed with you?”
Buck cocked his head. “Hmm. I guess never. Maybe only in my sexually frustrated fantasies, before I had the real thing.”
“You had fantasies where I was a shy maiden and you had to coax me into bed with your manly wiles?”
“Does such a scenario interest you? I can make that happen,” Buck said, waggling his eyebrows.
Eddie sighed. “Am I the only one noticing that I’m not getting fucked yet?”
“You’re so bossy,” Buck said, rolling them over so Eddie was underneath him.
“I have needs.” He lifted his head and kissed Buck, a slow and lingering kiss. “Hey.”
“What?”
“I love you, Buck. I love you more than I knew I could love anyone.”
Eddie’s soft eyes and sincere tone were like a gut punch. Buck sighed. “I love you, too, Eddie.”