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It's been days since Buck finally could open his eyes for more than 15 minutes at a time. Exactly 5 days since they could breathe with some sort of relief and go home with the thought that the worst was over. Having cheated death yet again and not having a loved one on death's door was as good as it could get and things could get back to normal.
Or so everybody thought.
The first to point it out, of course, was Eddie but the one who decided to tackle the issue was Bobby.
The doctors warned them all about potential aftereffects, like mood swings and memory issues. Every patient is different and the hospital offered them counseling, and even inpatient psychiatric treatment wasn't out of the question, but first, they have to give Buck's brain a chance to come back online.
The first days were full of Buck looking extremely pale and tired, waking up several times a day, and repeating the same questions over and over again. They decided to keep the visit rotation to a minimum, understanding how upset he looked at times. Sometimes he would open his eyes, not fully grasping where he was or how he got there and he would just cry out of confusion. Bobby would put his hand on Buck's forehead and whisper he was okay, he was safe, to rest. The captain's eyes would find blue ones and would spot the exact moment when Buck would focus on him and truly believe there was nothing to be afraid of. Once reassured, Buck would give him a loopy smile and then would close his eyes again and sleep.
The rotation was in charge of Maddie, Eddie, and Bobby. But after days of just waiting for him to wake up and not leaving him alone fearing he could open his eyes with no one around, they needed to get back to work and their families.
With Eddie and Maddie with kids at home, Bobby took it upon himself to be a constant presence around Buck. He owes Buck that much, especially after the screaming match he had with one Philip Buckley.
Everything was chaos and tears at the real chance they could lose Buck for good. By the time they managed to lower Buck to the ground the kid wasn't breathing and he coded twice before they got to the hospital.
Bobby could feel himself starting to grieve and felt like he was back to the night when he lost his family, to the night he had to listen through the radio as Athena was being attacked by a lowlife scumbag.
Once in the hospital, he took the team offline. Everyone was calling someone and making arrangements. Not an hour later Maddie walked through the ER doors, alone, with only Jee-Yun in her arms, and by the look, everybody shared, they were all wondering where the hell the Buckleys were.
After telling her what happened and when they all got over the shock that she wasn't Buck's emergency contact and power of attorney as the doctor inform them when he came looking for an "Edmundo Diaz", Bobby finally asked. "Maddie, where are your parents? I thought they were staying with you."
"They are, but – she hesitated- they don't do hospitals." Bobby saw red.
"They don't do hospitals? Their son could die in here and they don't even bother to show up for him? After everything they've done to him, they won't come?" Bobby knew he was raising his voice and that his anger was misplaced, but here was Maddie, making excuses for them and looking ashamed because of it.
Where is her anger? Why she's not mad on behalf of her brother? He understands that she's in a tough spot, but after everything, one would think that enough is enough. "They don't deserve him. Every time he woke in a hospital bed I was there because there was nobody else. I called every time to let them know their son was hurt, but not once they came o called me back to know how he was. I always thought it was because they were on the other side of the country, and I tried to not think too much about it because it wasn't really my place. But I can assure you, if someone tells me my boy is in a hospital bed, I would take the first flight available to be with him, that's what good parents do. And now they are here, in LA, but won't come because they don't do hospitals. That's bullshit."
"Bobby." Hen tried to calm him down because Maddie was looking ready to fall over and Chim wouldn't have it.
Bobby’s face hardened and continued, "No, Hen. Enough is enough. He doesn't deserve this. They don't deserve him. The fact is that they don't love him, and even after he asked, he screamed for them to love him they didn't even try, not really. But you know what, it doesn't matter. They may not want him but I do. He deserves better and I'll make sure he gets it."
He didn't wait for Maddie to react to his rant and just left. He just needed to get out of there. Once outside he tried hard not to cry and fought even harder the rising need for a drink. Is not like him to explode like that but after everything, he just couldn't believe they wouldn’t show up for Buck.
"You were right, you know. About everything you said. Whatever happens, he's yours. Have been for a long time, just make sure he knows it once he gets through this." Of course, Eddie was be the one who followed him outside. If there's someone who hates the Buckleys more than him, that was Eddie.
After that everything they had left was waiting. The doctors talked about a coma and worried about his brain and how long it went without oxygen. They were lucky he even made it alive to the hospital. Visits were only two at a time they said and everyone had their turn in the first hours. As days passed they made a schedule so he was never alone. Hushed conversations in waiting rooms and hallways. The days blurred together until one day, after Buck being kept under became routine, Margaret and Philip Buckley made their way to that small hospital room.
Maddie looked at him begging him to understand and Bobby didn't but still took a step back and let the couple have a moment with their son. He should have left but couldn't, so he stood outside the door, far enough to give them the illusion of privacy, but close enough to protect Buck from these awful, awful people.
He closed his eyes and tried to convince himself that maybe this is what Buck needs. They may not deserve him but Buck had spent his entire life trying to get the attention of these people, and maybe they are what he needs to wake up.
They weren't.
"How can he keep doing this to us?" Margaret asked, clearly frustrated.
"Mom." Maddie sounded truly surprised, and there was an edge in her voice, the one Bobby missed since the first night.
"He keeps putting us in this position. Getting hurt and making us worry about him. And now the doctors don't even know if he's going to wake up. What if it doesn't? Do you know how expensive that's gonna be, who's gonna pay for it?"
"Mom, shut up". How can she be serious? How can she be worried about money when Evan's life was hanging in the balance?
"Your mother is right”, said Phillip. “He keeps making mistake after mistake. We should be doing arrangements but we can't even make decisions because he gave that power to a complete stranger. He doesn't care about us. As always, he's making reckless and selfish choices and we're left with the fallout"
"Dad, don't say that, and Eddie is not a stranger. He is family."
"Don't be ridiculous Maddie." Phillip huffed. "Eventually he'll get tired of your brother and will realize it's best to keep that kid of his away from Evan."
"Dad, please," Maddie begged. They can't be doing this in front of his brother, unconscious or not. And while Phillip got the hint, Margaret didn't.
"I can't see him like this,” she pointed to her son. “Maddie look at him, how many times we can keep doing this?" Margaret sounded so hurt as if she was the sole victim of this entire situation, which didn't sit well with Maddie. "Doing what? You haven't done anything. It's been me, Bobby, and the rest of the 118 who have been with Evan every time something happened. Bobby called you every time before I moved to LA and you never came, never even called. You know, I'm starting to think that he is right."
"About what? What has that man said? Because for being just his boss he is awfully involved in his team lives, especially Evan's." Bobby stiffed as he listened, but oddly enough he felt a little bit of satisfaction as he heard the bleeding jealousy in Phillip's words.
"He is involved because he cares. And he is more than just Evan's boss. He is his friend, someone Evan knows he can go to, no matter what happens". Unlike you, Maddie left unsaid but everybody got the message.
"Isn't he the same captain he sued after his accident?” Phillip asked ironically.
"Bobby was trying to protect him. He and Evan talked things out and everything is okay now," answered Maddie.
"Protecting him, from what? Himself? Because that I can believe," he mocked.
"That's not fair. Whatever misguided conception you have of Buck I can assure you it's not true. And if you think he needs to be protected from himself, then whose fault is that? How could he know how to protect himself if he doesn't know what that means? You were never there for him. You taught him nothing. Actually no. The only thing he learned from you guys is that he needs to earn people's love because he was never enough."
"Life is tough Maddie. That is a good lesson he needed to learn."
"No! That's not true. He shouldn't have to work for people to love him. Evan being Evan should be enough. Thank god he now has people who love him without conditions."
"Like that captain of his?" Philip left no space for arguments. He didn't like Bobby and had no intention to hide it.
"Yes, like Bobby. People always say how he is like a father to Evan. Hell, even Evan has said how important Bobby is in his life. And they are right. In the last few years, Bobby has done more for Evan than you did his entire life. Gosh! I've been so blind,” Maddie said as she took her hands to her face. “You never got passed Daniel and, how was it that you said, mom? You were stuck with the reminder? Bobby is right. You never loved him, not really." Maddie whispered the last words, with a clear sense of finality in them. An ugly truth either Buckley couldn’t deny, so all there was left was the sound of the machines keeping Buck alive.
And now that the ugly was out in the open, there was no need to pretend for the sake of the status quo.
"This is what always happens. Your brother does something selfish and we all pay the price. Look at us, fighting in a hospital room where anyone can hear us. Things don't get easier with him, they never will Maddie and you know it." Margaret took a deep breath and finish her little speech looking down at Buck. "Maybe it's best for everyone if he just doesn't wake up."
All hell broke loose.
Bobby got into the room demanding for them to leave. Maddie was screaming at them about how can they be so cruel, and Margaret finally loses her temper and keep repeating that she was right, that it was best for everybody if Buck just die. One of the nurses, the same one who asked Bobby why he was outside his son's room and who were the new unknown visitors, came and kicked everybody out.
The discussion continued in the waiting room. Bobby was ready to punch Phillip in the face after the older Buckley asked him if he enjoyed playing dad with his son, followed by a "you are not his father and never will be" full of venom. "Are you sure about that? Because I'm not the one wishing my son just die already", was Bobby's answer, which was enough to give a full picture of the situation to the doctor and nurses.
After that, the Buckleys were no longer welcome at the hospital, and in Maddie's life.
That day Bobby promised Maddie that Buck will never be alone. Their parents may not want him, but he does and he will be the father Buck desperately needs, and the one Bobby wanted to be and denied himself all these years because he tried to convince himself that Buck wasn't his.
So from then on it was mostly he by Buck's bed, reading to him, praying, and updating a guilty and distressed Eddie, who has a kid at home but wishes to be holding his partner's hand.
He waited until finally Buck opened his eyes.
Out of all the things the doctors had warned them, Bobby wasn't ready for the silence. Now that life was back to some of its normal rhythm, you could see Buck alone in his hospital room more often. More than once Bobby had found him just staring out the window, without really looking. Eyes lost and a blank face. It made the captain nervous and it broke his heart at the same time. It scared him because what if this is the thing that finally breaks Evan Buckley?
"Hey, kid." Buck's reaction is concerning at most. His face did a complete 180, from feeling empty to fake any kind of emotion. He tried to look like the Buck before he was struck by a lightning and left dangling several feet from the ground. He really tried but there was this sadness surrounding him that was impossible to ignore.
Bobby knows Maddie tried to talk to him, and Eddie too but Buck kept saying he just feels weird and that the doctors warned them about it. But there was something about this that was nagging at Bobby's mind. Whether are his fatherly instincts regarding this boy who isn't really his, or just plain intuition, he just knows the problem goes beyond the "post coma fog" as Buck refers to it. It's something deeper and potentially devastating.
"How are you feeling? Had the doctors said anything about you going home?" asked Bobby.
"Not really. They still want to monitor my head and my heart. They say everything looks good but why rush things, right? They keep saying I was really lucky and want to keep it that way". The lack of protest at the prospect of staying longer at the hospital was concerning.
Not once Buck had asked when he can go home and nobody knew what to do with that.
"I'm not gonna lie. It looked really bad out there, and it was scary having to just wait for you to wake up. They are right, you are lucky and I'm glad you are as okay as you can be after everything it happened." Buck gave him a puzzled look, and tilted his head to the side, not fully understanding Bobby's words. "I know you are not okay Buck. But you will be, and for now, I'll take what I can get, and I promise I'll be with you every step of the way."
"Bobby." He said his name as if he had just realized who he was talking to. It was barely a whisper but it was enough for Buck to drop the façade.
He just broke.
First a sob and then he was full-on crying. Almost hysterical.
Bobby held him tight and let him ride it out as he kept telling him "I got you. I'm here, I'm not going anywhere." With each word, it seemed Buck wanted to hold him tighter and was crying harder too. At some point, one of the nurses asked what was wrong and suggested giving him something to calm down. To which Buck answered, a little desperate, that please give him something to sleep.
That set off all the alarms in Bobby's head. There is something undoubtedly wrong with Buck and it scares him how he can see the young man losing himself in his own head. So he decided to stay, letting Maddie know so she could spend more time with her daughter. It was still early and the nurse said she gave him only something mild, so he should be awake in a few hours.
He called Eddie as he waited. "You were right, there's something wrong with him." Bobby wasted no time with pleasantries.
"What happened?"
"Honestly, I don't know. I told him that I knew he wasn't okay yet, but I would be there for him every step of the way, and he started to cry. They had to give him something to calm him, and he begged for it," Bobby explained.
"He did? He hates that kind of medication because it leaves him groggy in a bad way."
"Is there a right way". Bobby couldn't help himself. It was such a Buck thing to say.
"That, you need to ask Buck." You could hear the smile on Eddie's voice, even if it was short-lived. "I'm really worried about him Bobby. I know the doctor said it was a possibility but I hate to think that on top of all his injuries he now has to deal with depression."
Bobby sighed loudly. "Whatever it is we’ll deal with it. He's not gonna be alone."
"I know, but I'm scared. He was supposed to wake up and everything was gonna be okay."
"You know better than anyone that's not how it works. And it may take time, but I don't care. He has us and we're here for the long run," the captain said as he stroked Buck's forehead with his thumb.
With Eddie on the other side of the line, Bobby took his chance and started to make arrangements for when Buck was released from the hospital. True, it was hard to convince Eddie, and Buck will have the final word, but the primary plan is to take Buck to the Grant-Nash residence. A part of him feels like he's blindsiding Maddie for not talking to her about it, but in his head, her house was never an option. Buck is recovering from a brain injury and a little kid at home is not an ideal scenario. Now he just needs to make the offer to Buck and hopefully give him the space so he can open up to him and talk.
He had to wait until the next day. Buck ended up sleeping until after visiting hours were over, so Bobby was back the next morning bright and early. Buck was once again sleeping but he looked better. The nurse told him everything was fine, he had dinner last night and then went back to sleep.
So, he sat by his bed and as soon as he noticed Buck was waking up Bobby wasted no time running his fingers through Buck's hair. The motion encouraged him to slowly open his eyes.
"Hey, kiddo. How do you feel?" Bobby whispered, trying not to startle him.
"Like if you keep doing that I'm gonna fall back to sleep." By the look on his face he was perfectly fine with Bobby playing with his hair and the captain could see that.
He'd noticed over the years that Buck crave physical touch, and after meeting his parents and knowing about how he grew up he wasn't surprised at all by the young man wanting to be touched.
"Well if you want you can go back to sleep. You need all the rest you can get so they can clear you and I can take you home." Bobby tried to go for casual instead of making a big deal out of it. "Of course the decision is yours, I'm not gonna force you to do something you don't want, but I thought it would be nice if you go home with me and Athena until you get back to your feet. It'll be nice to have you around the house kid."
Buck just closed his eyes and asked if he actually wanted him there.
"Of course I do kiddo,” Bobby answered. “I had to fight Eddie for it, and if you accept I fully expect him and Christopher to be regulars at the house" he tried to joke, but the sadness in Buck's face erased his smile. "Buck, I love you kid. I know I don't say it often, but I do care about you. You have no idea how important you are to me, and I know you are not mine, but you have to know that you don't have to have my blood for me to love you like my own."
Buck started to silently cry.
"Kid talk to me,” Bobby begged. “I know all this is a lot, but please tell me what's going on in that head of yours. I don't care if it doesn't make sense, I just wanna help you. Please let me help you."
Buck took a deep breath and opened his eyes, and for the first time since he woke up from the coma let himself be honest. "I dreamed of you. I had a lot of dreams, and you were in one of them." He tried to fix his gaze on the ceiling, as the tears kept falling. "The doctor said it was normal, and also said that many coma patients feel those dreams as real and sometimes have a hard time separating them from reality, and I'm just so confused Bobby."
"It's okay Buck, it's okay to be confused. Whatever you're feeling, just know you are safe with me, I promise." He talked to Buck the same way he used to do it with Brooke and Robbie when they were scared after a nightmare, with his hand never leaving Buck's hair.
"I dreamed about my life. More like memories I guess. I could feel the anger and the sadness all over again. I could hear them yelling, and fighting with Maddie. It felt so real. Bobby, I was 13 again feeling like I just wasn't worth their time. I don't remember all, just flashes and how it made me feel. And I can't shake this feeling of sadness because they never really wanted me. I thought I was past this," Buck said, frustrated.
"Buck." Bobby was honest to god horrified because probably what Buck thought was a memory was in fact the fight his parents and Maddie had in this very same room. And he may not remember the words, but he still carries with him the devastation of hearing his own mother wishing he died.
He tried to explain it to him, even when he couldn’t find the right words, but Buck didn't let him speak.
"No Bobby, please, let me finish. If I don't tell you now, I don't think I'll ever will." As confused as he was, Buck knew his defenses were down and had to take his shot. He won't have the courage again to look Bobby in the eyes and bare his soul like this.
"Okay, kid. I'm listening."
"I had another dream. It was me and my family and Daniel was alive and everything was still horrible. I know it was a dream because he is dead but it felt so real. Daniel was alive and they still couldn't love me. Apparently, not even in my dreams I can make them love me. What is wrong with me? I mean, it hurts that they don't love me, but it hurts even more that I still care this much. Why do I care?" Buck hissed that last question.
"Because you love too much kiddo. Even those who don't deserve it," Bobby answered carefully.
"They truly don't deserve it, don't they?" Buck asked as he sounded a lot younger than he was.
Bobby replied firmly, "No kid. They don't and never will."
Buck closed his eyes again. "All that pain I felt is still so raw and real that I don't know what to do with it. But not all my dreams were bad and I feel so guilty.” He waited a few seconds, thinking hard of what he was about to say. “After all the pain, in the end, I had a good dream and I was happy. I was so happy Bobby,” Buck said hopelessly. “I didn't have the whole picture but I knew it was what I wanted. I could feel hugs and all the love in the world. I had a loving family."
The tears were back making it hard to talk, so he had to take a moment to get the next words out. "I had you." Buck decided to ignore Bobby's loud gasp. "I understand that probably I saw you because you are the closest thing I have to a father and my brain decided to give to this perfectly fatherly person your face, but it was you and I was happy… and I wanted to stay there so badly. I didn't want to wake up, Bobby, I wanted to stay there. But I did, I woke up and everybody was so happy and all I wanted was to go back to this perfect and warm place my mind created. And now I’m here, and I'm sad and angry because I'm stuck in this life where my parents don't love me and everything is just so damn hard all the time." He looked up to see the captain in the eyes. "I don't want to be here Bobby, I really don't want to be here."
The revelation took Bobby’s breath away but he couldn’t dwell on it because now Buck was full-on sobbing again and he had to do his best to calm him down. "It’s okay Buck, I need you to breathe for me, okay? I know you think your brain was just putting my face for show but I promise you you're not that far off. I can't erase your past, and I can't take away what they did to you, but what I can do is love you as you deserve. And you have so many people who care about you and I can guarantee you that we all gonna be better at showing it to you."
Buck seem as if Bobby was not understanding what he was trying to say. "I just wanted to be happy. All I've ever wanted is to be happy and to have someone who will love me unconditionally."
"And you have that. I promise you, you have that." Buck nodded, not knowing how else to answer, as one of his hands grabbed Bobby's shirt, trying to bring him impossibly closer. And the captain did what he wishes he'd done a long time ago, he took his boy in his arms, making him feel safe and protected from the world.
As he was whispering reassuring words to Buck, Athena's voice came to his mind. She once said how he was helping heal Buck's inner child. That's why the kid loved to do things with him because he got to experience now all that was denied to him growing up. Bobby wondered if Philip ever told him he was proud, or if he taught him things like riding a bike or calmed him down after a nightmare. He look down at the kid in his arms and he just knew Phillip never did and what little affection Buck had growing up came from Maddie.
"You're gonna come home with me. Athena and I will spoil you rotten, and when you're better I'm gonna take you camping and fishing. I'll show you all the things I loved to do back in Minnesota. I'm gonna love you so much you'll get sick of me," Bobby promised.
"I could never get tired of you," Buck said as he was holding Bobby for dear life. And while trying to make himself heard through the tears, added, "Gosh, you sound just like my dream. What if I wake up again?"
Now it was time for Bobby to cry. "Jesus, kid. You are breaking my heart".
Buck looked up and tried to let go and put some distance between himself and Bobby. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry you have to deal with this, with me. I know is not fair to you". "Hey, hey, none of that. This is not something I have to deal with. This is me taking care of someone I love. Look at me Evan – he said grabbing his face in his hands, forcing Buck to make eye contact with him- this is me choosing to be here, to take care of you, to love you. Because I love you kid, and I'm going to take care of you if you let me. So, are you? Are you gonna let me love you, son?"
He didn't get a verbal answer. What he got was a nod and then his arms were full of Buck after he threw himself at him, hugging him so tight Bobby was worried he was gonna hurt himself and had to extend his hospital stay.
"I got you, kid," he said kissing the top of his head. "And I'll remind you every day until you believe me."
Bobby knew this was not the end of it. This was just the beginning of a long road of healing all the bleeding wounds Buck had carried with him throughout his life. But he was ready to have this same conversation a thousand times if necessary. He was ready for more heartbreaking confessions. No matter the baggage Buck brought to their lives, he will willingly bear the weight for the both of them, because that is what parents do.
They stay like that, with Buck in Bobby’s arms, until Buck closed his eyes, exhausted, feeling safe in a way he never has before. He was about to fall asleep when he muttered, "Are you sure you want to take me home with you?"
"Yes, son. I'm gonna bring you home."
“And you will love me even when I eventually screw up again, even if I never make it easy for you?” he asked with a hint of humor in his voice, but Bobby understood perfectly the weight behind those words.
“Yes, Evan,” he said smiling. “I will love you anyway”.
And at last, Buck took a sigh of relief and fell asleep in his Dad's arms.