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Yuuji interlaced his fingers with Nobara’s. He pulled her to his side and nuzzled her cheek, a big and bright grin on his face. Tone dripping with sweetness and joy, he declared, “Yuko and I have been married for a year! She is my wife, and I love her very much!”
“Oh, honeybunch, stop it, you!” Nobara simpered.
“But babycakes, how can I stop myself from boasting about you~!”
“So embarrassing! But–”
Nobara leaned closer and planted a loud, wet smooch on Yuuji’s cheek, inciting a giggle from the endeared man.
“--that’s what I looovee about you, honeybunch!”
The married couple smiled at each other blissfully, ignoring the coos and whistles from the people around them.
They were so wrapped up in each other that they also missed the murderous, glowering glares directed at them from two figures standing by the balcony of the upper floor of the party.
“Fucking finally,” Nobara hissed under her breath as Yuuji led her outside to the garden.
“Tell me about it. People can’t mind their own fucking business,” Yuuji groaned, as quietly as he could.
After making sure that they were alone and not within earshot from the other guests, the two heaved huge sighs and collapsed on the bench fronting the fountain.
“This garden is so pretty,” Yuuji commented, leaning forward on his elbows and resting his face on his hands.
He took in his surroundings: well-maintained hedges of roses, trimmed green grass, marble statues aesthetically positioned at intervals, and the ornately carved fountain depicting angels pouring water standing at the center of the garden. For the party, the garden was lit up with soft, warm lights that seemed to make the roses look ethereal; red petals glistening under the moonlight and wafting their scent as a breeze blew.
In the distance, Yuuji noticed a big gazebo that seemed to be the entrance point of a hedge maze. The sight of it piqued his interest. He nudged Nobara with his shoulder.
“Wanna try the maze? We get to pretend we made out and we get to brag about making it out.”
Nobara snorted. “That was awful.”
Yuuji let out a short laugh. But then he said, gravely, “No, really. I freaking love mazes, Nobara. There’s not one maze I haven’t escaped,”
“Bullshit. You’re probably the type who uses up all of your hints at escape rooms.”
“Bitch, try me.”
Nobara scrunched her nose, annoyed at her best friend’s sassy tone. “I’ll take you up on that some other time. This garden has a lot of mosquitoes, and it’s getting humid. I don’t want to make my gorgeous self all sweaty.”
Yuuji pouted. “Come on, babycakes, pleeeasseee–”
“Shut the fuck up, honeybunch. Don’t forget why we’re here. Stay focused!”
Nobara punctuated her reminder by flicking Yuuji’s nose. Yuuji squawked in indignance.
“I’ll make it quick! Five minutes, in and out!” Yuuji insisted.
“What are you, a monkey?! You can’t resist going in–”
“But it’s so pretty and bushy, I wanna get in it–!”
“Wait until later! We still have to meet other guests!”
“Ugh, fine. But later, I’m going all in!”
“Whatever!”
From behind the hedge, Uraume closed their eyes in horror at the snippet of conversation they just heard and recorded. Their boss and their boss’ friend would not be pleased.
The plan was simple: attend the party as a married couple, take note of the guests, get out.
They didn’t even have to do anything aside from act as disgustingly in love as possible and make nice with the other people in the party. It was a simple intel-gathering mission.
“Literally in and out, no biggie,” Gojo told them. “Hell, stay an hour or two, eat all the fancy food, then you can leave!”
The only catch was they had to pretend to be married because the guests they were replacing were a married couple. Yuuji and Nobara immediately exchanged knowing looks and declared, “We’ll do it.”
“We were each other’s beards way back high school,” Yuuji bragged(?).
“As long as we don’t have to do anything involving tongue or genitals, we’ll do it,” Nobara promised.
Gojo flashed them a grateful grin and promised everything would be provided for them: clothes, a driver, even a stylist team to help them get ready. Yuuji and Nobara had the time of their lives pretending they were living a makeover montage straight out of those romcom movies.
The two of them didn’t even have to waste time thinking of their ‘backstory’. They had it down pat and had memorized versions A to Z with allowances for a variety of situations. It was their thing .
“If we really applied ourselves, we could commit marriage fraud, easy,” Nobara boasted.
“We’re the best fake married couple ever,” Yuuji added.
Megumi only gave them a long, suffering look. Upon seeing that his two, stupid best friends were arrogantly confident about their ability to pull off a fake relationship, he could only turn back to his book as he warned, “It’s your funeral.”
The other two laughed him off and proceeded to yank his book out of his hands. They then launched it across the room and scurried off, making Megumi chase after them. All the while, the menaces cackled in glee.
Megumi was about to warn them why exactly they should be worried, but you know what?
The assholes could go fuck themselves.
(Megumi grit his teeth as he glared at the bent and crumpled book in his hands. It was a limited edition signed copy he had painstakingly saved for over the course of half a year.)
Yep, they deserve to get fucked over.
Yuuji and Nobara stopped midway through devouring their shared giant crab as a pretty, white-haired person garbed in a simple, but elegant black suit cleared their throat.
Mouths open and ready to bite on either end of one crab claw, the two paused. Reluctantly, they laid the crab back down on the plate. Nobara pinched Yuuji’s thigh under the table when he wouldn’t let go of it.
“Yes?” Nobara gave them her best smile, irked as she was from being interrupted while eating.
The person only bowed and told them, “The hosts would like to formally greet you, in private.”
Yuuji took a bite out of the crab claw. Nobara pinched him harder, making him wince and choke on the crab meat.
Sweetly, Nobara turned to Yuuji and exclaimed, “Oh, honeybunch! This is so wonderful! To think that the head of the Getou clan would personally welcome us!”
“Yes, ba-babycakes,” Yuuji coughed.
Nobara stood up and clasped her hands in a display of eagerness. “Please, lead the way!”
“Wait, can we wash our ha–!”
Nobara stomped Yuuji’s foot, making him grimace. “I’m so excited!” he wheezed.
The two followed after the quiet attendant.
This night is going way better than we could have imagined, Yuuji commented through the telepathic seal.
We should get Lord Gojo to give us a bonus! Nobara squealed.
Right, right?! We so deserve it. We’re killing it! Yuuji agreed, enthusiatically.
Discreetly, they separated their interlaced hands to give each other a lowfive. They quickly held hands again when the attendant glanced back.
“Are there any protocols we should observe?” Yuuji asked.
The attendant only gave them a small, cryptic smile. The three of them stood before a large, wooden set of double-doors. Yuuji and Nobara held each other’s hands tighter, sensing the cursed energy spike in the air. The attendant pointedly looked at their joined hands before looking at them in the eyes. With an almost mischievous tone, they replied, “I think you’ll find that there won’t be much need for formalities.”
Then they opened the door.
Telepathically, both Nobara and Yuuji cursed.
Oh, fuck me.
“You two seem so sweet! How long have you been married?” Getou Suguru asked amicably, seeming genuinely interested.
“...A year,” Yuuji croaked.
“But we’ve been together for five years before that,” Nobara added, voice high pitched and a little desperate.
Fuck Gojo Satoru.
“Hm. What a happy, loving couple you two are. Others should be so lucky,” the smooth, deep voice sneered.
“I wish the two of you years of happiness,” another quiet, threatening voice snarked.
Yuuji and Nobara felt their hands get clammier with sweat. They couldn’t let go of each other even if they wanted to; childishly fearing that one of them would get torn apart if they stopped holding hands.
The monsters who would tear them apart sat before them, one on either side of the seemingly blissfully unaware Getou Suguru, esteemed head of the Getou clan and the benevolent host of the party they infiltrated.
By his sides, Yuuji and Nobara’s nightmares lounged on the velvet, plush chairs; one sipping from a glass of scotch and the other outright doing nothing but glare at the two of them. If looks could kill, really.
“I’m–uh– havewemetbefore ?” Yuuji word vomited.
Nobara dug her nails into Yuuji’s palm because what the fuck, was he really fucking–
“I am Ryoumen Sukuna,” he purred, leaning forward in his chair and fixing Yuuji with a sharp, leering stare.
“...Zenin Maki,” she bit out. Her eyes flicked from their interlocked hands to Nobara’s eyes.
The fake couple swallowed nervously and unconsciously pressed themselves closer together, further stoking the tension as the increased proximity didn’t escape Sukuna and Maki’s notice.
Suguru was having the time of his life. He owed Satoru a vintage bottle for delivering on his promise to make this evening way more fucking entertaining than it ought to be.
But also. This could be more fun.
“The two of you are adorable! How about a little kiss from the lovebirds, hm?” Getou goaded.
The cursed energy in the air flared.
In 0.5 seconds, Yuuji and Nobara had the following mental barrage of back-and-forths:
Getou’s onto us! Nobara yelled.
He isn’t! He’s just teasing! Yuuji desperately lied to himself.
Just one peck. We can explain ourselves later . Nobara decided.
Zenin-san’s killing intent has been steadily increasing this whole time! I’ll be dead before I even touch your lips! Yuuji argued.
No, we can do this! C’mon, are you a coward, honeybunch? Are you the man I married?! Nobara questioned.
…Fuck it, babycakes. We ball. Yuuji resolved.
With the solemnity of two soldiers going into war rather than a young, married couple in love, the two cupped each other’s faces and tilted their heads, ready to kiss.
That was, until they felt a condensed slash of cursed energy slice through the air, sawing the narrow space between them and by extension, splitting the couch they were sitting on into two, jagged halves. Yuuji and Nobara crashed to the floor. They exchanged panicked looks and scrambled to reach for each other, only for both of them to get yanked away.
“You were really going to kiss that wench in front of me, brat?” Sukuna asked threateningly, holding Yuuji up by the scruff of his neck.
“Nobara, darling, if you wanted to experiment with a human dildo, you could’ve informed me,” Maki cooed, her rough, calloused hand tightly gripping Nobara’s cheeks.
Getou snorted, phone in hand, happily recording the whole affair.
“Aniki, it’s not–it’s not what you–!” Yuuji sputtered.
“Maki-san, I would never–!” Nobara stammered.
A terse moment of silence.
“Guest bedrooms are in the east wing,” Getou chirped.
“How was the party?” Gojo asked as he leaned back on his chair, feet up on his desk.
Yuuji and Nobara were pretty sure their stupid boss’ Six Eyes could see every single bruise and bite mark on their bodies. Nobara gave him a withering glare. Yuuji frowned, unimpressed.
“Lots of fun, huh?” Gojo bit his lip and barely held back his grin before bursting out in laughter.
Fuck Gojo Satoru .
Behind them, Megumi smirked. Served the idiots right.