Chapter 1: One
Chapter Text
Ali: SIIIIIIIIIMMMM
De Gea: What is it?
Ali: We got a clean sheet 🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳💜💜💜💜💜💜
Kepa: MALDITO SI
SweeperKeeper: 🙎
Ali: What’s wrong, Manu?
Ederson: Yann Sommer conceded a pretty dumb goal yesterday
SweeperKeeper: 😡😡😡😡Don’t remind me, Ederson!!!
Ederson: TAKE THAT, Bayern
Ali: Ederson?
Ederson: yeah?
Ali: You have to play the team that drew vs. Bayern in the RO16
Ederson: WHYYYYYYYYYY😫
Kepa: I feel you bro, we play BVB 😫😫😫😫😫
De Gea: You guys are going to win anyways, BVB’s been terrible this season
SweeperKeeper: I guess their fortunes mirror Liverpool’s
Ali: WHYYYYYYYYYY😫
Ederson: I’ll go beat up Thibaut for you if it makes you feel better
Ali: No, we don’t need violence
Ali: But you can send him on vacation
Marc-Andre: DAVID DE GOL, BEWARE
SweeperKeeper: Of what? You can’t choose a first name, how the heck will you choose whether to advance or mess everything up?
Marc-Andre: YOU TAKE THAT BACK, STONE SKIER
SweeperKeeper: There’s a good reason I’m the No.1 keeper whether Germany plays
Marc-Andre: Where did that get us in the World Cup?
SweeperKeeper: I still think you put banana peels on my shoes
Marc-Andre: And I still think you can’t admit a mistake
Ederson: yikes Ali, we don’t fight like this and we’re even closer rivals than them
Ali: I know 😳
Hugo: Hey, settle down
SweeperKeeper: You couldn’t settle down during the finals, Hu-Goal
Hugo: SACREBLEU GET BACK HERE GERMAN
De Gea: What about me?
Marc-Andre: You couldn’t win s**t with your national team
De Gea: Neither could any of you
Hugo: I WON THE WORLD CUP!!!!
Sweeper-Keeper: Who even thinks of that when you’re swallowing goals for Spurs?
De Gea: By that virtue, I won the World Cup too
Hugo: YOU WERE NOWHERE NEAR THE SQUAD CABRONE
De Gea: Neither was Kepa when we won the World Cup
Kepa: 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬 Neither were you
Hugo: Btw I’m the latest to win in the modern era
Sweeper-Keeper: The modern era of five years ago?! Get your head out of your goalnet Hugo
Hugo: Get your head out of your ski wax
Ali: 😶 I personally know more peaceful Marcs
De Gea: Like who? Marc Brown? Or ARTHUR?
Ederson: Keep out of this, Ali
Ali: I’ll do one better and get out of this chatroom
Ederson: I’ll join you
(ALI and EDER have left the chat.)
Hugo: hey, where did the Brazlians go?
De Gea: They didn’t want to see us fight
Sweeper-Keeper: Eff them, we’ll take this fight to a different chatroom
Marc-Andre: At least we agree on one thing
Kepa: Maldito si
Hugo: On that note, I’ll leave before things get too—
Kepa: Get too what? Spursy?
(The chat has been vacated.)
Chapter 2: two
Summary:
Illan Meslier joins. He instantly sees why Hugo's been telling him not to join the chat.
Chapter Text
GoalKepa: We are BACK, chicos 😎😎
Ali: You’re not the one who has to play Everton on Monday
Ederson: You think that’s bad? We have to play Aston Villa
Ali: Ederson, you’re winning 3-0 as we speak
SweeperKeeper: 😥😥
KingofBarca#1: You won, didn’t you?
SweeperKeeper: I’m so bored 🥱😐
SweeperKeeper: Thomas keeps telling me jokes but they’re all terrible
GoalKepa: @Ali @Ederson do you guys ever change your name?
Ali: No 🤷 why
SweeperKeeper: Who uses their real name as a chat name?
Ali: My real name is Alisson
GoalKepa: We know that already
Ederson: So what if we want to use our real names? It’s noyb
GoalKepa: I just need a bone to pick with someone
GoalKepa: My defense provides net zero protection
Ali: I feel you 😣
WeWonIt14Times: Hello guys
Ali: Hey Keylor 🤗 When did you get online?
WeWonIt14Times: Dunno, all I know is that I won the Champions’ League 3 times in a row
SweeperKeeper: And then you conceded 7 goals in one game
SweeperKeeper: And THEN you got loaned to Nottingham Forest
GoalKepa: 😂😂😂 legendary
Ederson: That Aston Villa Watkins dude just scored past me
SweeperKeeper: No wonder, you’re on your phone
Ederson: I barely had anything to do before this
SweeperKeeper: Well now you do
Ali: That’s terrible Manu
SweeperKeeper: Let my evil spite manifest into this chatroom
GoalKepa: Where’s Hugo?
SweeperKeeper: All of Spurs’ opponents have been asking that for the past weeks
Ederson: OOH that’s bad
Hugo: Right here
Illan: Right here too
Hugo: He’s my little buddy from the French team
Ali: GIVE ME A HUG 🤗🤗🤗🤗
Illan: Is he emotionally stable?
SweeperKeeper: Good question
SweeperKeeper: Btw, where’s Marc Andre?
SweeperKeeper: Oh right, rotting in the Europa League
KingofBarca#1: I hate you 😡😡😡
SweeperKeeper: 😡😡😡 It’s mutual
Ali: I don’t get it, why are you guys feuding?
Ederson: Yeah, Ali and I are closer in quality than you two and we don’t fight like that
KingofBarca#1: You’re Brazilian, it’s different
SweeperKeeper: Those guys can never hold a grudge within each other
Ali: 🤔 I don’t think so…
Ederson: They’ve never seen Ney v Marquinhos before
Ali: That actually explains a lot
Illan: I don’t know what you’re talking about
Ali: Lucky you
(GOALKEEPINGIRISHLAD and DE GOL have joined the chat.)
Ali: Caoimhin
GoalkeepingIrishLad: BRO!!! 😄😄😄
De Gea: BRO!!!
GoalkeepingIrishLad: What the hell you’re no bro to me
De Gea: I was talking to Kepa
GoalKepa: Buenos días, David, ¿cómo estás?
De Gea: Tengo un hoja limpia hoy
Ederson: Of ALL the people in this chat
KingofBarca#1: I have a clean sheet too
SweeperKeeper: Only because your match hasn’t even started yet
Ederson: I just had to save from Philippe
Ali: Tell Philippe I said hi 👋👋🤗
Ederson: Gtg now, the Villa pressure’s increasing
SweeperKeeper: Serge’s coming over to our house now and I have to help clean up
Ali: Byeeeeee
De Gea: Bye
Chapter 3: three
Summary:
Ali finally gets some clean sheets, while Manu and Marc-Andre continue fighting
Chapter Text
Ederson: well done Ali
Ederson: seems like luck’s finally on your side again?
Ali: Luck?! Ederson, keeping a clean sheet with this defense is no walk in the park
Ali: It takes hard work
SweeperKeeper: I can imagine, with your invisible full backs
Ali: Hey leave our fullbacks out of this
WeWonIt14Times: Hello Ederson 😏
Ederson: I HATE NOTTINGHAM FOREST
Ali: Now you know how I feel
Ederson: At least we drew there
Ali: I would’ve scored if those defenders hadn’t been hustling me to the ground during the corner
SweeperKeeper: I’m still in this darn cast 🤕 and even worse, we lost AGAIN
KingofBarca#1: Now you know how it feels not to win every single game in history
SweeperKeeper: MARC ANDRE THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT
KingofBarca#1: How the hell is it my fault?!
SweeperKeeper: You probably put those rocks on the ski slope and did some voodoo on our squad
KingofBarca#1: JUST because I played with the little magician does NOT mean I do sorcery
Ali: Philippe’s a nice guy
Ali: Except what he did to Bobby
Aaron: And he said the F-word to one of my teammates
Ali: Philippe can swear?
Ederson: I guess so
SweeperKeeper: WE LOST
Ederson: I know, we all check to see if Bayern lost because there’s a higher chance they do
SweeperKeeper: Ali BACK ME UP
Ali: I admire you and all but why me???
SweeperKeeper: because in case you didn’t notice, I have a hellbound rivalry with Marc Andre and you’re the only one nice enough to back me up
Ali: 😶🌫️
Ali: That is the “suddenly shy because THE sweeper keeper sent me a compliment” emoji, right?
SweeperKeeper: I TOLD YOU SO MARC ANDRE 😆😆😆😝😝😝😎😎😎😎
KingofBarca#1: I’m coming for you 🧐
Chapter 4: four
Summary:
Firmino decides to leave and Ali is nowhere to be seen. The other keepers worry and call Caoimhin in.
Chapter Text
SweeperKeeper: We are back for another episode of this show, ya filthy menaces
Eder: Where’s Ali? I can’t find him online or on the Brazil national team callup
KingofBarca#1: Hey y’all did you hear the news about Bobby?
GoalKepa: Oh RIGHT no wonder Ali’s not here
SweeperKeeper: OK, I’ll mark him absent 🖋️
Eder: Seriously are we in grade school?!
WeWonIt14Times: Right Manu, come ON
Eder: Keylor, you’re seriously going to keep that chat name after getting whipped 4-0 by the Hammers?
(WEWONIT14TIMES has changed his name to Keylor🫅)
Keylor🫅: So what do you think?
SweeperKeeper: ENOUGH let’s start talking football
KingofBarca#1: Right, like the fact BVB could overtake you in the table this evening
SweeperKeeper: This wouldn’t have happened if they brought a GOOD goalkeeper in
GoalKepana: Like me?
Irishman: Nope
Eder: hey Caoimh 😁 where’d your usual chatname go?
Irishman: I needed something shorter and easier to remember me by
SweeperKeeper: You and the 35.429 million Irishmen in the world
Keylor🫅: OUCH
Eder: Anyway have you seen Ali
Irishman: He’s locked in a broom closet and I decided to leave him alone. Nobody can get him out.
Eder: Damn 🙁
Chapter 5: Goalkeepers’ Union Group Chat 5
Summary:
The goalkeepers are bored during international break. So they decide to chat
Chapter Text
Keylor🫅: Calling all goalkeepers! Put a 🥺 in the chat if you need a hug and tell us why
StoneSkier: I don’t need a hug, but I’ll put 😒 in the chat because Marc Andre changed my name to StoneSkier
Ederson: 🥺 Ali just sent me his new soul music collection
Ali: 🥺 😢 I’m listening to that soul collection
Keylor🫅: Aww 🥺
GoalKepa: It can’t be that bad if it’s Ray Charles. What is it?
Ali: “Seven Spanish Angels”
Ederson: By Willie Nelson and RAY CHARLES
Ederson: I don’t cry over music as much as Ali but DAMN
Ali: It’s heartbreaking
StoneSkier: Then WHY are you listening to it
Ali: Music and hugs are my therapy
GoalKepa: Enough of that! Mykhaylo’s getting on my nerves
GoalKepa: He has as much energy as Ben and Mase
Ali: What are you guys listening to now?
Ederson: “Sir Duke” by Stevie Wonder
Ali: I know that Edi, I put that after “Seven Spanish Angels” on purpose 😉
StoneSkier: “The Rock” by Etta James
KingofGermany#1: YOU listen to Etta James?
StoneSkier: It’s not a whole bunch of sentimental mush at least
Keylor🫅: Billie Jean by MJ
Hugo: OMG YOU TOO?! I’m listening to this and it’s driving the medics insane
De Gea: Hey guys
Ali: Hello David 🙂 What are you listening to?
De Gea: “Macarena” by Los Del Rios
StoneSkier: Ah yes, Macarena. Which is exactly while you’re doing when you SHOULD be keeping the ball out of the net
Keylor🫅: THE BILLIE JEAN IS NOT MY LOVER
Ali: ...
Ederson: WHY did you do that
StoneSkier: Marc-Andre, if we weren’t in different countries I would beat you up
StoneSkier: WHY did you change our chat names?!
KingofGermany#1: Because you DO ski on stones and right now, I AM the king of Germany!!!! Finally they have crowned the king
De Gea: ALL HAIL THE KING
StoneSkier: Rich coming from such an inept keeper
De Gea: What the hell are you talking about, Germany got eliminated from two consecutive World Cup Group Stages with you starting every game
De Gea: See you in the round of sixteen, perdedor
StoneSkier: WELL THEN see you in the Champion’s League everyone
Ali: That hurts Manu, that really hurts
Keylor🫅: Indeed
Ederson: You’re lucky you’re injured Manu, otherwise I’d really beat you up when we face each other
Yann: What about me?
De Gea: 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
GoalKepa: Come on Yann, we can have the “underappreciated keepers” chat together
Ali: I’ll join
Keylor🫅: So will I! It’s not like Nottingham has anything better to do than get relegated
Ali: OUCH
Ederson: Me too
StoneSkier: Me too
KingofGermany#1: You’re OVERappreciated, Manu
KingofGermany#1: Everybody say all hail the king
StoneSkier: All hail King Julien
KingofGermany#1: That’s it I’m dying today
StoneSkier: If you die Marc Andre, I’ll bury you happily
Ali: Please let’s not discuss hypothetical funerals
Keylor🫅: Yeah some of us have enough funerals to attend
Ali: Coitadinho 🥺 🤗
Keylor🫅: Talk about it! I’ve already went to the funeral of my pride, my dignity, my clean sheet record, my first-place position in Real and PSG, and soon I’ll go to the funeral of Costa Rica in the CONCACAF
Ali: On that subject…I just went to the funeral of my seven year record of getting called up for Brazil
Ederson: Y’all can attend Menezes’ funeral when I get my hands on him
Ali: 💔
Ederson: Eu sinto Ali, eu esqueci
Ali: Esta bem 😊
StoneSkier: Mind translating that so we know what you’re talking about?
Ederson: Yes, I very much mind that. Because it’s PRIVATE
Ali: Easy on him Edi, he’s suffering denial issues
Ederson: ROAST
Chapter 6: Goalkeepers’ Union Group Chat 6
Summary:
Short but better short than never
Chapter Text
Ederson: THAT’S MY MANO
Ederson: TWO CLEAN SHEETS
Ali: You didn’t do too badly either Edi 😊
Keylor🫅: Can’t wait to see who wins the Golden Glove this year
StoneSkier: I’m still mad at Yann for stealing my yodeling book
Ali: You have a YODELING book?!
StoneSkier: I don’t give a damn about what you think Becker, I’m keeping my yodeling book end of story
Ali: 😶🌫️ Ouch, that’s a little harsh Manu
GoalKepa: WE FINALLY ONE A GAME OF FOOTBALL
Ederson: If you’re going to disappoint us and not get relegated, at least spell “won” correctly
Ali: Okay now that’s Ederson with the barbs
Ali: What is wrong with you guys? You guys won and you played well Edi, relax. Google pictures of adorable baby animals and be happy 🐤
GoalKepa: He’s right, why are you fighting?
KingofGermany#1: Nothing unnatural for Manu, though 😈
StoneSkier: I CAN HEAR YOU
Ali: You don’t like fighting Edi, what’s wrong?
Ederson: idk, honestly
GoalKepa: You sound lonely Ederson, I was away from Cesar for a while and I was lonely as I could ever be
Ederson: I’m NOT LONELY that’s for wimps
Ali: Says who? Haters? Because just in case you noticed Ederson, they’re irrelevant
StoneSkier: gotta say it Ederson, you’re not one to say that stuff
Ederson: okay, maybe I’m a bit lonely
Ederson: I don’t really have many people to talk to now that Joao’s in Munich and it’s KILLING me
Ali: Ay Deus I’ve been so busy lately that we haven’t chatted as much as usual 😕 Here’s a virtual hug 🤗
Ederson: 🤗 I could feel that through the screen
StoneSkier: ugh mush
Ali: You wanted Ederson to say what’s wrong
Ederson: Now I’ve said it and I am NOT turning back
Keylor🫅: Can I get one of those virtual hugs too? It’s lonely in Nottingham 🥺🥺🥺🥺
Ali: 🤗
Ederson: 🤗
(ILLAN, HUGO and DE GOL have joined the chat.)
De Gea: 🎶 Who is England's number one? More clean sheets than Ederson? More clean sheets than Alisson?🎶
De Gea: 🎶 De Gea! De Gea! De Gea!
GoalKepa: 😑 Bro did you seriously make your own song
Ali: Yeah, it sounds kind of unhinged to me
De Gea: You’re one to talk, your teammate wants to play MC Hammer in the stadium
De Gea: Ederson told me
Ali: EDER you weren’t supposed to tell anyone else 🙄
Ederson: Sorry Ali, I don’t keep secrets well when I’m lonely
Illan: I can’t believe that old piece of rag replaced me!
Illan: He took away my future and my fate
Hugo: BUT NOW THAT’LL CHANGE
Illan: OMG YOU know that BATIM song?
Hugo : Of course I do it’s pure gold
De Gea: What are you guys talking about
KingofGermany#1: That’s what I’d like to know
Illan: We’re OBVIOUSLY talking about Bendy and the Ink Machine’s awesome fan songs. Have you ever heard of BATIM?
De Gea: no, not really into video games
Ali: No, the boss won’t let us. He says that a game about twisted evil cartoon characters hunting down their creator and getting dangerously close to killing him several times can’t be good for us
StoneSkier: And so? Do you guys eat dinner together or something?
Ali: Most of the time we do, actually
StoneSkier: Don’t you think you’re losing valuable moments of your adulthood?
Ali: Look Manu, I went to Internacional with my brother as a teenager. I don’t mind being taken care of as long as I’m not being a burden dragged around the place
Hugo: are you all right?
Ali: yeah
Hugo: You don’t sound like it
Hugo: Go hug somebody, okay?
GoalKepa: Cesar challenged me to play it with him, I screamed loudly fifteen times on level 1 and got nightmares of cartoon ink demons chasing me for two weeks
Ederson: 🤯 Cesar Azpilicueta plays video games?
De Gea: Now I’m not so scared of him
Ali: The boss knows what’s up, that’s terrifying
Ederson: What do you know Ali, Ney literally managed to scare you with marshmallows, candy canes and a flashlight
Ali: In my defense, it looked like there was a monster under my bed
De Gea: Seriously bro 🤣 🤣 I don’t know why your opponents are afraid of you
Ali: Well, Ney didn’t last long after that
Ali: When I told Muriel what happened he nearly tied Ney to the top of Sugarloaf Mountain single handedly and shoved a pineapple where the sun never shines twice
Ederson: Poor Ney nearly died on the spot when Muriel brought a baseball bat to Maracana
GoalKepa: Okay, now I’m glad I’m not Brazilian
Ederson: Would you rather play with Ramos?
GoalKepa: You know what I’ll take that free Brazilian citizenship after all
Chapter 7: Goalkeepers’ Union Group Chat 7
Summary:
Our keepers meet up again, and a new member is added.
Chapter Text
GoalKepa: have any of you seen Ali lately?
Eder: Somehow, he dislocated his finger
SweeperKeeper: okay, that’s crazier than me skiing and breaking my leg
SweeperKeeper: I mean like, WHAT could he be doing that makes him dislocate his finger?
Yassine: dunno, once I got an injury from mowing the lawn
DeGea: HOW can you get an injury from mowing the lawn?!
Yassine: idk, thankfully it was summer
GoalKepa: okay, I have a new friend that I thought we should bring inside the chat
GoalKepa: Friends, meet Dominik. Please don’t go feral on him
Dominik: hello
Ali: Sorry I’m late guys, I was busy
Eder: By “busy”, he means “with Virgil” 😏
Ali: Cale-se
Eder: Jamais
SweeperKeeper: Hello, I am Manuel
NotAStoneSkier: And I am Marc Andre
SweeperKeeper: WE ARE RIVALS!!!
Dominik: Okay K, who’s not slightly questionable in craziness around here?
SweeperKeeper : I'm not questionable, I'm just passionate!
Dominik : Alright, passionate about being crazy then
Keylor🫅: Marc Andre and Manuel are always arguing, David and Kepa do but less
Keylor🫅: There’s Hugo and Illan, they’ve recently stopped arguing as much but now they keep it up
Dominik: seems like international rivals always argue
Keylor🫅: But for some odd reason, Ali and Edi don’t argue as much as the others
Dominik: Oh boy I am in for it
Dominik: I couldn’t save a single penalty and we had SIX of them
Ali: Trust me, I know the feeling
Ali: The key is to ignore all the voices calling you a loser after the shootout
Keylor🫅: Right
Keylor🫅: I’ve got to get on the road, talk to you later
Ali: Okay, talk to you later Keylor!
SweeperKeeper: Drive safely
NotAStoneSkier: Don’t ski on stones
SweeperKeeper: okay, that’s just getting old
(KEYLOR has left the chat.)
Yassine : Now that Keylor’s gone, I have to confess something to you guys
GoalKepa: Confess away
Ali: We’re listening
Yassine: Never mind
Eder: It’s Keylor, isn’t it
NotAStoneSkier: You LOOOOVE HIM
Yassine: NO
Dominik: Well, anybody could love those eyes
SweeperKeeper: Love is for losers
NotAStoneSkier: What about you and Thomas?
SweeperKeeper: GET YOUR SECOND-BEST HANDS OFF HIM
Eder: @Ali this is why I’m glad we’re not Germans
Ali: Eder they literally called me “the German” back in Internacional
Eder: oh, then I’m glad we don’t bicker like Manu and Marc-Andre
Ali: Right, because the Selecao fans do all the fighting for us
Dominik: What do you mean?
Ali: It’s like this
Ali: If I make an important save, they’re all “put Alisson as #1”
Eder: But then I make an important save and they’re all “put Ederson as #1”
Ali: They go on and on, putting one down to boost the other
Eder: Not only does it drive us insane, but it’s stupid
Eder: I mean, we’re so close in quality! If you’re going to pick us, do so because one of us is doing better than the other by tactics
Ali: And not because one’s fanbase is calling the other “lettuce hands” for not being able to save a shot that was accidentally deflected off the defender’s knee
Dominik: I forgot to say it at the time, but you guys did pretty well that game
Eder: Should’ve converted our chances when we got them 🙁 But you did pretty good, too
DeGea: But we got the TROPHY
GoalKepa: I told you not to go feral on Domi, David
SweeperKeeper: Only because Croatia were hellbent on dragging the game to penalties
Eder: “Domi”? Is that the best you can do?
Ali: Take a look at my chat name, Ederson
Eder: Try something like “Domino”
Dominik: DOMINOOOOOOOOO
DeGea: ALINOOO
Ali: NOOOOOOOO
Ali: This is like the y**t incident
Yassine: It’s not a swear Ali, just say it
NotAStoneSkier: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEt
Eder: What is the “yeet incident”?
Ali: Be glad you are not part of our team group chat Eder
NotAStoneSkier: sooooo Ali, what are you doing with Virgil?
Ali: He just came after they lost the Nations League, that’s all
NotAStoneSkier: Are you sure that’s all 😏
Eder: Cale-se
NotAStoneSkier: Can’t touch me, ‘cause I don’t know what that means
Dominik: (can’ttouchthis.giphy)
DeGea: OH I LOVE THIS SONG
SweeperKeeper: And you wonder why you can’t touch the ball
Hugo: BURB
Hugo: autocorrect
Yassine: “burb” is not in the English or French dictionary
DeGea: It means “suburb” in slang
Dominik: Kepa, WHY did you take me to this chat
GoalKepa: I thought it would help you recover from the finals
Dominik: It sure took my minds off of the finals, and ONTO why I should never learn English
Hugo: YEET
Illan: YEET
Eder: SHOOT DA HEEL APP
Ali: Eder, should you go get your temperature checked?
SweeperKeeper: Or your IQ scanned
SweeperKeeper: If there’s any IQ left in your mind to detect
Eder: You know what Manu, you’re a yeet
SweeperKeeper: EXCUSE ME
DeGea: NO FIGHTING WITHOUT ME
Dominik: SAME
Dominik: YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAT
(KEYLOR🫅 has joined the chat.)
Keylor🫅: I parked the car, heard my notifications blowing up, and I open WhatsApp and see THIS
SweeperKeeper: YEEETER
Eder: There is only NINE Es in that word
Illan: GET A DICTIONARY YEETERS
Hugo: YEETING IDIOTS
Dominik: YODELING YEETEDY YEETING YEETERS
DeGea: DESPAYEETO
Hugo: CHYEETOS
Illan: FRYEETOS
NotAStoneSkier: DORYEETOS
Yassine: please don’t tell our mothers 🥺
Ali: Oh hi Keylor, when did you get back?
Keylor🫅: I can’t talk long, i’m on a new quest for eye bleach. I don’t even want to know what you guys have been up to this time
Ali: I’m joining you
Yassine: Very quickly
GoalKepa: Let’s go NOW
(KEYLOR🫅, RAMI, YASSINE & GOALKEPA have left the chat.)
Chapter 8: eight
Summary:
Flaco leaves and there are new members in the chat
Chapter Text
Goalkeepers’ Union Group Chat 8
DeGea: We have a surprise today! I contacted some friends of mine and thought “why not add some of the women’s team keepers to the chat?”
DeGea: So here we are!
DeGea: I thought I’d start with the keepers for France, USA, Brazil and England and go on from there
SweeperKeeper: Nice to meet you all
NotAStoneSkier: MORNING!
Eder: NEW FRIENDS!!!!
Ali: I’m not in the mood for new friends
BigAlyssa: Wow, a greeting would be really nice 😒
SafeHands: I agree
Ali: sorry, just some issues
DeGea: ANYWAY I thought we could introduce ourselves
Sarah: Alright, I’m Sarah Bouhaddi. I used to play for France 🇫🇷, but I stopped for a while. I’m 36, and I play for PSG
PPM: Pauline Peyraud-Maginin, France keeper. 31, and Lyon
SafeHands: Mary Earps from England. I’m 30 and I play for Man United
GoalkeepingIrishLad: THE ENEMY APPEARS!!!
Eder: chill out Caoimh
Marcinho: I FINALLY dropped the “baby” part from my chatname
Ali: Please don’t leave on loan Marcinho, it’s only you and I now
Eder: The Three Brazilians are no more
SweeperKeeper: WAIT Flaco’s leaving too
Ali: Yeah, and Marcinho is my coping mechanism
NotAStoneSkier: Wouldn’t it make sense to have a coping mechanism that can’t move to another country?
Keylor🫅: I guess so, since your main problem is that your friends are moving away
Barbara: I'm Barbara, and my teammates call me Aguia because I watch them like an eagle
Ali: Hi Barbara
Ali: Marcinho, this is Barbara, the Brazil keeper
Marcinho: hi
Yassine: Lots of questions but let me start here: why is Alyssa called Big Alyssa?
BigAlyssa: We have another Alyssa on the team, and she’s 17 years younger than me
Marcinho: I’m ten years younger than Ali
PPM: Isn’t there a teammate of yours who share the same birthday
Ali: por favor, don’t remind me
NotAStoneSkier: Any luck finding a new club, David?
DeGea: not really, they’re all throwing me around like a hot potato
Sarah: When I left Lyon, it was sort of like that until PSG got me
Keylor: I heard that Kadi is going to Lyon
Sarah: yes, I told her everything
Sarah: She’s already on good terms with most of the French players, so I think it’ll go smoothly
Ali: If Flaco’s going to leave too, then I hope he ends up with Bobby so the two can have each other
Ali: They love each other so much
Marcinho: What about you and Virgil? Why don’t you talk to him
Yassine: yeah, aren’t you two close or something?
Ali: He’s already stressed out over the fact that H*ndo’s leaving and if he does, he’ll be the captain of the team
SweeperKeeper: And if I know Virgil, he’d rather throw away his hair gel than let it show
Barbara: Same with Marta, too
Barbara: I can tell that she’s stressed out, but she won’t admit it
Ali: We’re about to leave for Germany, so I have to turn my phone off
Eder: safe flight, you two
Marcinho: gracas
Ali: sim, gracas
Barbara: Yeah, I have to go back to sleep, this time zone is messing with our circadian rhythm
PPM: HECK YES IT’S SO ANNOYING!
BigAlyssa: You know, we should chat sometime
SafeHands: Yeah, just us girls
BigAlyssa: In the morning?
PPM: Yes, in the morning
Sarah: Glad it isn’t meF
Chapter 9: Nine
Summary:
The keepers are back, with some new members
Notes:
Sorry it's been so long :/ here's an extra-long chapter to make up for it
Chapter Text
SweeperKeeper: THE SWEEPER KEEPER IS BACK!!
NotAStoneSkier: Until you ski on stones again
Edi: damn we haven’t chatted in AGES
Ali: I don’t think we’ve chatted since the summer
DeGea: I just checked our chat log, we haven’t
Yassine: DAVID!!!!
SweeperKeeper: Hey Yassine 👋
Dominik: Hey guys WE ARE CHATTING AGAIN
Keylor🫅: I’ve got an idea, let’s invite some new keepers into the chat
Ali: oh IT’S ON
Ali: Everybody invite one new keeper into the group chat!
Edi: It is ON
GoalKepa: SIIIIIII
(9 new people have been added to the chat.)
Marcinho: I AM BACK FREAKAS
MathNerd: where are we?
Aaron: I don’t think we’re in Colney anymore, Bernd
HavanaOnana: WHAT KIND OF A JOKE IS THIS
Edi: let me guess, Andre?
HavanaOnana: It’s me
DeGea: I invited him 😎
Marcinho: HAVANA HAVANA
SweeperKeeper: Welcome to the GKU Group Chat! It’s all good, I kicked the Sp*rs player out of here
MathNerd: Hey guys, I’m Bernd! I play for Fulham, and I WOULD play for the Germany national team if MANUEL and MARC-ANDRE didn’t HOG THE GOALNET
Aaron: I’m Aaron, Arsenal’s new No. 2 😔
Ali: 🤗 Arteta wouldn’t know a good goalkeeper if they punched him in the face
Edi: and that’s exactly what I’ll do
T-Bone: this is ridiculous
Ali: THIBAUT?!
T-Bone: C’est moi 🎆
Ali: 🙄 WHO invited him?!
GoalKepa: I did
Ali: WHY
GoalKepa: The poor guy needed something to do during his ACL rehab
Ali: fine, but you don’t get a hug from me yet
T-Bone: I don’t want your lame-onager chathugs
Ali: GOOD I’ll save them for somebody more worthy
Ali: Want a hug, Marcinho?
Marcinho: Please do
Ali: 🤗
Aaron: Jeez, and here I was thinking that fighting with David was bad enough
DeGea: what have you got against me man?
Aaron: sorry, wrong David
Keylor🫅: Well, we all can’t be here all the time
SweeperKeeper: I didn’t invite a soul, so THERE
Ali: Who did you invite, Edi?
Edi: You’ll see (come on buddy)
GrandfatherScott: I am OFFENDED YOU WHIMSICAL PIECE OF-
T-Bone: Who the hell is he? He sounds like some average keeper who only wins stuff because of his height
HavanaOnana: Who the hell are YOU to talk?
Edi: He’s the back-up keeper for us
Ali: I thought that was Stefan
Edi: Yeah, but I thought Scottie could get some time here since he doesn’t get any on the pitch
GrandfatherScott: fork you Edi
Edi: love ya too 😜
Aaron: What an annoying piece of crap
NotAStoneSkier: Edi or Scott?
Aaron: both
Marcinho: WOULD YOU RATHER FOR EVERYONE!
Marcinho: Would you rather do heat ☀️ or cold 🌨️
Aaron: HEAT
MathNerd: I thought you liked the cold Aaron
Aaron: yeah but ever since DAVID came here the freezing weather makes his stupid little nose look even stupider
Dominik: I didn’t even know that was possible tbh
Edi: SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW!
Ali: SNOW! SNOW! SNOW!
GrandfatherScott: yeah, and I’ll freeze my butt off
SweeperKeeper: Heat, but ONLY because Thomas doesn’t like riding Dave in the snow
T-Bone: Heat
Ali: Yep, you probably like summer better after Belgium’s performance LAST WINTER
Yassine: here we go again
Dominik: MARCI NEXT QUESTION I’M BEGGING YOU!!!
Marcinho: Okay, have any of you guys ever used a dating app? ✅ for yes, ❌ for no and if you say yes, say something about it!
Yassine: ❌ what are you people THINKING?!
GrandfatherScott: ✅ yeah, I met my girlfriend a few years ago on it and we’re still going strong
Aaron: congrats man!!!
Ali : yeah, sometimes we forget that any relationship of any kind can be hard to find, let alone keep
T-Bone: ❌
HavanaOnana: ✅ those things are circuses
Edi: ✅ IT NEVER WORKED FOR ME
Dominik: ❌ i’m still looking in the real world
Ali: ✅ i don’t know why i bothered, I’ve never even dated in my life
SweeperKeeper: ❌ I don’t need a special other, I’m already living with Thomas
Marcinho: wait bro you NEVER DATED IN YOUR LIFE?!
HavanaOnana: Not even in HIGH SCHOOL?!
Ali: no
Marcinho: but you’re thirty-one!
Yassine: if you don’t mind me asking, when was your first crush?
Marcinho: GIMME NAMES BUDDY
Ali: I remember it well 💓 The boy’s name was Felix, he played with my brother and I at Internacional when I was sixteen
Dominik: AWWWWWWWW
Edi: THAT’S SO CUTE
GrandfatherScott: What happened with Felix?
Ali: Well, after much stammering and blushing and doodling hearts in my notebooks, Muri eventually convinced me to make a move
Ali: I bought Felix a dozen yellow roses, because he loved yellow, but then when I gave them to him he revealed that he was ALLERGIC to roses
Marcinho: WHAT THE HELL 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
NotAStoneSkier: This is funnier than Manu’s boring teenager stories
HavanaOnana: LOL
Ali: I apologized about a hundred times, but Felix said it was okay before he asked me to go to the beach with him
Marcinho: 🍿
Ali: That afternoon I bought Felix some arequipe (his fave) and got dressed in my only tuxedo, and Muri laughed and pointed out that nobody wears a tuxedo to the beach
Edi: some people barely wear anything to the beach
Dominik: What do you guys SMOKE in Brazil
GoalKepa: WHAT 🤣 I can barely keep up with this chat
Keylor🫅: 😂😂😂😂😂😂
SweeperKeeper: thomas’s jokes are better, and deal with it k
Aaron: what happened NEXT?!
Ali: I finally took off the jacket, but I kept the jacket since it was still kind of cold and set out to the beach. I even brought yellow peonies for him since I’d seen them growing in his house’s yard
Ali: And THEN there’s Felix, standing by the water in swimming trunks and a thin as heck tank top, holding a surfboard
SweeperKeeper: 🥱
T-Bone: give me a break
Marcinho: But you still sucked at surfboarding, right?
Ali: right, and so I had to race home and change into my swim things faster than I’d ever changed my clothes in my LIFE, all while Muri laughed his butt of
MathNerd: brothers, man
DeGea: you’re telling me
Marcinho: Do you have any brothers
Ali: and if that wasn’t bad enough, I came back to the beach and TRIED to surf to impress Felix, only to repeatedly get washed onto the shore like a piece of kelp while Felix floated on the waves like an angel
Ali: After fifteen rounds of that, Felix asked me if he wanted to get dinner. I nodded and ran home again to change into the tuxedo, and this time my brother stared at me like I was crazy
Yassine: Alexa, play “Lovesick Fool”
HavanaOnana: Hey Siri, play “Crazy In Love” by Beyonce
MathNerd: You still didn’t quit with the tuxedo, did you?
Ali: We ended up at a salty beach sports bar, watching a football match while eating nachos. That’s when I decided to try again to make a move
Marcinho: Did you give him the flowers?
Ali: I did, and then I confessed that I’d been crushing on him ever since he joined the academy
Ali: but that’s when he said that he’d never heard of a boy who was interested in dating other boys
Yassine: awww that’s too bad
Edi: poor kid, I’m guessing you were crushed after that
Ali: yeah, I didn’t leave the house for two days until Muri dragged me out of the house for a street football match
Ali: Felix left the academy soon after anyways, so I didn’t have much time to mope
Keylor🫅: did you ever try asking somebody after that?
Ali: no, every guy I ever crushed on either had someone or wasn’t interested in boys at all
T-Bone: that’s even tougher than being straight in the football world
NotAStoneSkier: DAMN YOU HIT HARD THERE
Marcinho: 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃
Ali: Are you okay, Marci?
Marcinho: WHY DID THAT HAVE TO BE SO SAD
Marcinho: if only you could find love, you’d be a great boyfriend
Ali: MARCINHO!!
Aaron: But what are you going to do about it?
Marcinho: wait and see, forkers, wait and see
Chapter 10: January 13th, 2023
Summary:
Ali worries about Edi, Marc-Andre and Domi are little sh*ts and Marcelo has a new friend
Chapter Text
Ali : EDI
Keylor : oh no
DeGea : again with this whole ‘Edi and I are friends’ thing
Ederson: YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH IT? 😠
HavanaHavana: no
Ederson: SO FORK OFF
Ali: Edi you’re injured, no need to go all Roy Kent
GoalKepana: OMG I LOVE THAT SHOW
SweeperKeeper: That show is only fit for inferior German keepers
MarcAndre: u suq manu
SweeperKeeper: u can’t spell
Ederson: I’m okay Ali
Ali: You came off in the EIGHTH minute while shaking, you’re not okay
Ali: You were in pain
Ederson: Ali, can we save this for later? I’ve got a reputation as “tough macho Brazil keeper” to keep up you know
Ali: and so what am I?
MarcAndre: 😃
SweeperKeeper: FINALLY THE BRAZILIANS ARE FIGHTING!!!!!!!!
Yassine: WHAT THE HELL
DeGea: FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT
Yassine: where’s Hugo?
MarcAndre: In the retirement league
Yassine: the MLS 😔
MarcAndre: Let’s have a moment of silence for Hugo Lloris and the death of the dignified part of his career
Aaron: If there’s any dignity at Spurs 🤣
Aaron: oh no it’s me and David again
Ederson: There’s a reason we met, you know
Ederson: Ali and I’s skills contrast each other, as well as our weaknesses, and we’re both good keepers in our own right
Ederson: So the media loves to compare us
HavanaHavana: just like they like comparing me with ddg here?
DeGea: no, it’s just because I won the golden glove with man u
HavanaHavana: and you still sucked at your job
DeGea: true 😔
Ederson: Ali is the “oversensitive hugger who has questionable mustache decisions”, while I am the “tough, manly counterpart who has too many tattoos”
Aaron: The brazilian media are right
Yassine: shut up aaron, Ali can be tough and Ederson can be sensitive, it’s called being a COMPLEX HUMAN BEING instead of a 2D CARDBOARD CUTOUT
DeGea: like the time that Ali nearly punched Bruno when he fould Trent and insulted him
Keylor: I remember when Nottingham played City, and I saw Edi in the locker room hugging a toy bird for good luck
Ederson: it’s not a BIRD, it’s a GREY-HEADED LOVEBIRD and it’s NOT A TOY, IT’S AN EMOTIONAL SUPPORT OBJECT FOR THE TOUGHEST GUYS
Ali: You’ve got to show me that, Edi 🥰
Keylor: yeah, her name is Fofinha 😉
MarcAndre: AHAHAHAHAHA you named a stuffed animal “little cutie”?? 🤣
SweeperKeeper: HOW DO YOU KNOW PORTUGUESE?!
MarcAndre: Hidden depths 😎
Ali: on a serious note, Edi, take care of yourself
Ali: did you disinfect the wound and wrap it in sterile gauze?
Yassine: Parent mode 😏
Ederson: yeah, the medics did
Ali: That was FOUR HOURS AGO!!!!!! CHANGE THOSE BANDAGES EDI
Ederson: It’s not that bad
Ali: EDERSON SANTANA DE MORAES
MarcAndre: 🤣 your middle name is santana
Ederson: and you play on Barcelona
MarcAndre: true 😔
Ali: Ederson—
Ederson: fine, I’ll go change them
Ali: Be careful, I’ll be over in half an hour
Ederson: wait WHAT?!
Ali: I hopped into the car as soon as the final whistle blew
Ali: I’m bringing barbecue
Ederson: Okay 😀
SweeperKeeper: and they’re back to being mushy 😒 FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT
(MARCINHO, KWEEV, +3 others have joined the chat.)
Marcinho: GREETINGS HUMANS
Ali: MARCINHO!!!!!!
DeGea: your chiiiiiiilld 😒
GoalKepana: uuuuuuu suqqqqqqqq 😒
DeGea: so does your speeeeeelllliiiiiiing 😒
Ali: How’d your friendlies go?
Marcinho: we won, but Danny played
Marcinho: Anyways, this is Danny Rogers, the first-choice keeper and my best friend in the team
Danny: nice to meet you all
Marcinho: CAPITALIZE! You are in the elite company of the SWEEPER KEEPER!
SweeperKeeper: hey Danny, tell us about yourself
Danny: okay, my name is Danny Rogers and I’m twenty-nine (29) years old. I’m Irish-American, and I won my first ever trophy last season
Danny: I ran into Marcelo and felt sorry for him since he looked lonely, so we started talking
Marcinho: and now we’re BESTIES 😀
Keylor: Shocked Caoimh didn’t try to steal your bestie Marcelo 😂
Kweev: I didn’t, because I already have a bestie right here
Marcinho: awww thanks kweev
Kweev: i was TALKING about Ali
Marcinho: HEY HE’S MINE
SweeperKeeper: ANYWAYS, guess who’s injured now while the other is in a title race?
MarcAndre: woe is me
Yassine: will BOTH OF YOU get along for once?!
Keylor: yeah, this whole “the German keepers squabbling” thing is getting really old
DomiLiva: I’ll bet you two can’t get along for a whole month
SweeperKeeper: and if we do, what will you pay us?
DomiLiva: I’ll bake both of you a whole casserole dish full of käsespätzle
MarcAndre: ohhhhh yeah
SweeperKeeper: IT IS ON!
MarcAndre: Hello my lovely friend Manuel
SweeperKeeper: Hello my dearest friend Marc-Andre!
DeGea: 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Marcinho: 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Ederson: DOMI YOU HAVE PROVIDED US WITH GOLDEN CONTENT
DomiLiva: the käsespätzle????
Ali: No, Manu and Marc-Andre acting civil towards each other
HavanaHavana: this is funnier than when we dared Jadon to get along with Ten Hag
GoalKepana: AHAHAHA
MarcAndre: I want to see that for myself
SweeperKeeper: You nosy little—
SweeperKeeper: I meant, your noisy little kazoo sounds wonderful
MarcAndre: I’ve never even seen a kazoo in my life
Aaron: that can’t be a real instrument
DomiLiva: apparently it is
Marcinho: I play a one-man band
Danny: OMG SHOW ME!!!
Ali: Advice Danny—wear earplugs
Marcinho: Play loud or don’t play at all, as I always say 😎
Chapter 11: Goalkeepers’ Union Group Chat 11
Summary:
The goalkeepers FINALLY catch up again!
Notes:
this is partially inspired by me taking so long to finish this (taps fingers together sheepishly) hehe
Chapter Text
NotAStoneSkier: well it’s been a while
NotAStoneSkier: anybody have advice on how to not get absolutely steamrolled by Ilkay after this disaster?
Ali: OH WHAT A GAME 👏👏
Kells: DRAWING 1-1 THEN WE WON 1-3
Adrian: BANGER GOALS, THEN DIOGO SLOTS IT CLEAN
Marcinho: WE SURVIVED IT, WHAT A GAME
NotAStoneSkier: not HELPING, guys
Ali: oh, sorry Marc Andre 🙁
Ali: if it makes you feel better, we got beaten worse by Atalanta
Kells: ALI, LANGUAGE!!!!
NotAStoneSkier: actually, it kinda did
Ali: Great, because it absolutely killed my mood
SweeperKeeper: oh no NOW IT’S ALL OF THEM
Keylor: this is a GOALKEEPERS’ UNION CHAT, Manu
Aaron: yeah, every goalkeeper who wants to can join
SweeperKeeper: yeah, but the Liverpool guys are so mushy with each other that they should be in their own GKU
Adrian: oh, I’m not staying today! That game was exhausting, I’m going to catch some sleep
Kells: and I have a gaming appointment with Trent, Domi, Diogo and Andy
Ali: I didn’t know you liked gaming, Caoimh
Kells: i don’t, but SOMEBODY dared me that if he and Diogo scored on the same day that I’d have to do a forfeit of playing 20 rounds of EA Sports 24 and seeing who wins
Marcinho: and i’m going sightseeing with Danny!
Ali: No bar hopping like last time, I don’t want to have to take a three-hour flight to Dublin to nurse your hangover
Marcinho: guess i’ll have to tell Danny to change the plans then
(ADRIAN, MARCINHO, and KELLS have left the chat.)
Matt: hi aaron!
Aaron: oh guys! I forgot to introduce you to Matt, my friend from Arsenal
Ali: Hi Matt 👋 🥰
DomiLiva: Welcome to the chat, Matt
Benno: position stealer 😠
Aaron: I can and will say the same thing about David Jordi Aaba pig-nosed Raya
Marc-Andre: BURNNNNN
SweeperKeeper: I LOVE IT
HavanaHavana: FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT
Yassine: FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT
GoalKepa: I’LL GET THE CAMERA
Ali: EVERYBODY STOP! What happened to peace and harmony in the chat?
SweeperKeeper: face it Ali, you and Ederson are the only two compatriots that don’t fight constantly in this chat
DeGea: yep, we’re a goalkeeper’s chat and fight club
Keylor: and I get that this is a safe place to express all of our opinions and conduct our keeper talk, but please can we try not to kill each other every three second?
DeGea : fiiiiine
GoalKepa : okay
Yassine: fair
Ali: great!
Ali: Now, Edi, I have a special song for you
Ederson: awwwwww you’re too sweet Ali! 🥰
Ali: (specialsongforedi.mp4)
Ederson: OH YOU DID NOT
Ederson: HEY JUDE?! ARE YOU SERIOUS
Ederson: and you used those PHOTOSHOPPED IMAGES?! OHHHHHH GODDAMN YOU
GoalKepa : pfttttttt
DomiLiva: 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 TROLL MODE ACTIVATED
HavanaHavana: YOU DID NOT
Yassine: the Saudi league has eradicated all the potentially gay content on the pitch
Ali: congrats on your honeymoon with jude! 😀
Ederson: ALISSON BECKER I SWEAR I WILL TATTOO A GRÊMIO BADGE ONTO YOUR NECK IF YOU DON’T DELETE THAT VIDEO
Ali: OH FORK NO YOU DON’T
(ALI has deleted the following message: (specialsongforedi.mp4).)
SweeperKeeper: I need eye bleach after this
NotAStoneSkier: but what about you seeing what Thomas and Robert got up to?
SweeperKeeper: that is strictly a German goalkeeper thing
Ali: does 25% count?
SweeperKeeper: it does, but I’m not letting you in
SweeperKeeper: you’re going to tell Edi anyways, and then Edi will tell his whole team because Edi and his team are all the best of friends anyway
SweeperKeeper: and i don’t even know why! I mean, Edi’s almost impossible to get along with
(EDERSON has left the chat.)
Ali: 😡. MANUEL PETER NEUER.
Keylor: oh no…
Aaron: what the—
Matt: i thought he was the sunshine!
GoalKepa : Clearly you have not seen him when anybody gets hurt
SweeperKeeper: Was it something I said?
Ali: it WAS something you said, dummkopf! Edi and his teammates don’t get along well
SweeperKeeper: gosh, i didn’t know that
Ali: Even if you didn’t, WAS THE LAST PART EVEN NECESSARY?! That wasn’t not knowing, that was you being a jerk
Ali: EDI WAIT!!!
(ALI has left the chat.)
NotAStoneSkier: What the hell Manu?!
DeGea : not only did you manage to break Ederson AND get Alisson mad, you did it at the SAME TIME?!
Yassine: bro…
Benno: I think you need to apologize Bruder
SweeperKeeper: I genuinely thought Ederson and the other City players got along well
Aaron: me too! You wouldn’t think otherwise unless you knew
NotAStoneSkier: True
NotAStoneSkier: But Ederson isn’t hard to get along with
Benno: Ali gets along with him
SweeperKeeper: Ali gets along with almost everyone
DomiLiva: True
NotAStoneSkier: But even if Ederson was impossible to get along with, you would be in no position to talk
SweeperKeeper: excuse YOU?!
NotAStoneSkier: Part of the reason you and I argue so much is because you can’t swallow your pride and accept that I’m just as good as you
SweeperKeeper: are you kidding me?! We fight because YOU keep trolling me at the most insensitive times
NotAStoneSkier: my name says it all. I’m not a stone skier, and i’m not the reason you can’t take a joke
SweeperKeeper: and I’M not the reason that you had to get a hair transplant before you turned THIRTY
Benno: should we stop them?
Keylor: nope
(ALI and EDERSON have rejoined the chat.)
Ederson: Hey guys
DomiLiva: EDERSON are you okay?!
Ederson: No
Ali: Manuel, if you do not apologize to Edi I will shave your head, pack you up in a splinter-filled crate, and send you to Barcelona to play with Marc Andre
NotAStoneSkier: WHAT THE FORK
SweeperKeeper: Not so much of a problem if I just go skiing
Ali: And I’m cutting off your contact from Thomas
SweeperKeeper: OH NO YOU DON’T
SweeperKeeper: sorry, Edi 💐
SweeperKeeper: accept this virtual bouquet
Ederson: it’s fine
Keylor: you wanna talk about it?
Ederson: I said I’m fine
HavanaHavana: Don’t worry, Ederson, I don’t always get along with my teammates, either
Ederson: still don’t want to talk about it, but thanks
Ali: don’t worry, I’m driving over to your hotel right now with some sweets
Ederson: I knew I could count on you 👍
Ali: 🤗
Ederson: 🤗
SweeperKeeper: ugh, mush
SweeperKeeper: but i guess it’s better than Ali packing me off to Barcelona
Ali: so…wanna talk about your issues, Andre?
HavanaHavana: DO I EVER
HavanaHavana: FIRST OF ALL, BRUNO FERNANDES IS A WHINY, INSUFFERABLE LITTLE BAST—
Chapter 12: Twelve
Summary:
The keepers gather after the latest Premier League matchround, and hell breaks loose as usual
Chapter Text
GoalKepa: chat question! How would you advertise yourself to a future employer?
Ali: If I ever advertise myself to a future employer, it would be like this
Ali: HEY, I’m Ali! 🥰 I’ve had experience in many things, including being a striker, defender, midfielder, mediator, hugger, therapist, brother, best friend, troller, bullcrap sorter, quasi-leader, choir leader, and dance troupe instructor! Sometimes, I even GOALKEEP
Ederson: so how badly did the others drive you crazy yesterday?
Ali: I don’t even want to talk about it
SweeperKeeper: You wish you had my defense
Ali: And you wish you didn’t have Dayot
SweeperKeeper: And you wish you had a striker that could score goals
Ali: And you wish you could still mathematically win the title
DeGea: bro, accept it. It’s over
Aaron: i know, who loses to EVERTON?!
Ali: YOU did
Aaron: That was DODGY
Ali: and one third of their players could’ve gotten sent off on Wednesday, but let’s ignore that like FIFA ignores the 115 FFP charges
Ali: No offense Edi 🤗
Ederson: None taken 🤗 just like Darwin and Mo’s big chances against Everton
Ali: oh, you mean like Erling’s chances against Chelsea 🤗
Ederson: fair
Ali: At least it’s still mathematically, if not realistically, possible for us
Ali: Even if the Leverkusen squad blew up at this moment, Bayern still couldn’t win this year’s title
Ederson: BURN!!!!
Benno: MATH!!!!!
Ederson: NERD!!!
Benno: GOAT!!!!
Ederson: why thank you
Benno: I didn’t mean the acronym
Ederson: ALI HE’S BULLYING ME
Ali: Can you both get along, PLEASE?!
Ederson: Says the person who sent me a fake link to a tattoo artist that was ACTUALLY a recording of “Hey Jude”
NotAStoneSkier: Asking for a friend, how do you restore your team’s dignity in Europe?
SweeperKeeper: I didn’t realize you were friends with yourself
NotAStoneSkier: at least Barcelona can still mathematically win the title
SweeperKeeper: WHAT IS IT WITH ALL OF YOU GUYS AND MATH TODAY?!
NotAStoneSkier: quick, what’s zero plus one?
SweeperKeeper: 🙄 I 🙄 don’t 🙄 know 🙄
NotAStoneSkier: One Bundesliga title that you will NOT be winning today
SweeperKeeper: What’s 3-2?
NotAStoneSkier: dunno
SweeperKeeper: The score that Real beat you by, AND if you take the difference between the two numbers that is 1, AKA ONE LEAGUE TITLE YOU WILL NOT WIN
Benno: what’s 1+1?
GoalKepa: The amount of first names Marc has?
Benno: The amount of idiot goalkeepers on the German national team
NotAStoneSkier: Thank you for being honest with yourself, Benno and Manu
SweeperKeeper: NO, I’m the smart one
Benno: I knew I should’ve played for Lithuania
Benno: XABI MADE US DREAM/ THERE’S A TITLE FOR OUR TEAM/ NOT FOR BAYERN MUNICH/ WE WON THE GODDAMN LEAGUE
HuGoal: I WON THE WORLD CUP-
(HUGOAL has been yeeted from the chat.)
Aaron: stupid Spurs player
Keylor: Sometimes I think he forgets that he plays “mAjUr LEEGE SAWkhur”
Matt(SimplyTheBest): I can hear every America joke you make
Aaron: Fahrenheit-user
Matt(SimplyTheBest): Tea-drinker
Aaron: U-forgetter
Matt(SimplyTheBest): Parliament-worshiper
Ali: Not me #SCOUSER
Aaron: UNION JACK PLAGIARIZER
Matt(SimplyTheBest): bro WHAT have we plagiarized from yo flag?
Aaron: oh idk, just the ENTIRE COLOR SCHEME
Ederson: Not us #BRAZIL
Ali: 🙌
DeGea: Even I won more trophies than him, and I played for Man United post-Ferguson
Benno: okay, what absolutely irrelevant participation trophies have you “won”, David?
DeGea: well last year, I won this little trophy called THE GOLDEN GLOVE
DeGea: Above the two Brazilians in here
Ali: Who happened to be sharing the Golden Glove ever since 2018
Ederson: SIUUUUUU
DeGea: Remind me who won it before 2018
Keylor: Petr Cech
Ali: Wojciech Szczęsny
Ali: my hand hurts from typing that
Ederson: Joe Hart
DeGea: ME! Have you all forgotten about me?!
HavanaHavana: yes
DeGea: (flips you the bird)
HavanaHavana: (holds up mirror as you do so)
Yassine: alright, quick question before a Spurs player comes back and ruins it
Yassine: HOW DO YOU ESCAPE THE SAUDI PRO LEAGUE?!
Yassine: asking for myself because hEEEEEELP ME
Matt(SimplyTheBest): Well, I would recommend doing it the same way that America escaped Britain
Matt(SimplyTheBest): START A REVOLUTIONARY WAR
SweeperKeeper: and this, my friends, is why America is the way it is today
Edouard: great idea! We can include all our friends and teammates who used to play in Europe or want to go to Europe
Ali: if ANY of you involve Bobby and Flaco in a WAR, I will throw you to wherever Spurs’ dignity was thrown during the formation of the club
DeGea: Or wherever your dignity got thrown since mid-March
Ali: Or wherever your dignity got thrown since 2013
Ederson: Or wherever Brazil’s dignity has been since 2002
Ali: excuse YOU?! We won the Copa America together
Ederson: oh yeah! Sorry, David, you still lost your dignity earlier
DeGea: I knew I should’ve signed for Sheffield United
NotAStoneSkier: and that is the only possible way he could’ve made things worse
HavanaHavana: btw, where’s Thibaut?
NotAStoneSkier: I banned him from the chat #MésQueUnClub
Ederson: Real sucks #ViscaBarca
Ali: Agreed #ViscaBarca
GoalKepa: #ViscaBarca
GoalKepa: wait a minute WHAT AM I SAYING?! I PLAY FOR REAL MADRID
SweeperKeeper: Then it was nice having you
(NOTASTONESKIER has removed GOALKEPA from the chat.)
Ali: oh COME ON
Keylor: YEAH COME ON!
NotAStoneSkier: But he played for Real
NotAStoneSkier: and come to think of it, Keylor, so did you
HavanaHavana: But Thibaut’s a jerk, while Keylor and Kepa are nice
Ederson: 👍
DeGea: yeah
Benno: #kickoutmanu
SweeperKeeper: YEAH TAKE THAT DAVID AND ANDRE!
HavanaHavana: he meant you
SweeperKeeper: HOLD UP-
(NOTASTONESKIER has removed SWEEPERKEEPER from the chat.)
NotAStoneSkier: Just like I’ll remove him from the #1 spot at the Euros this year
Keylor: The only reason Germany made it into the Euros is because you’re hosting it
NotAStoneSkier: The only reason Costa Rica made it to the World Cup in 2022 was out of pity
Keylor: And yet we still almost beat you
Ali: Can we bring Manu back please?
Ederson: But he and Marc Andre will argue all the time
Ali: And that’s how we know that they’re expressing themselves in a healthy manner
HavanaHavana: True, when Domi tried to make them get along it was so peaceful that it was scary
Aaron: It was for the first 24 hours
Aaron: Then they blew up at each other
NotAStoneSkier: 😮💨 I know I’ll regret this
(NOTASTONESKIER has brought SWEEPERKEEPER back to the chat.)
(SWEEPERKEEPER has brought GOALKEPA back to the chat.)
SweeperKeeper: I AM BACK IN ALL MY GLORY
NotAStoneSkier: wow
SweeperKeeper: what is it?
NotAStoneSkier: I…I kinda missed you for a second there
SweeperKeeper: 😦 me too!
NotAStoneSkier: I’m sorry for kicking you out of the chat
SweeperKeeper: and I’m sorry for kicking Kepa out
Keylor: HOLD UP
DeGea: WHAT?!
Ali: I think the depression and guilt of letting the boss down is getting to me, now I’m hallucinating that Marc-Andre and Manu missed each other
Ederson: It’s not just you
Ali: ohhhh they’re friends now!! 🥰
Aaron: how sweet
GoalKepa: AWWWWW
Yassine: I feel all warm and fuzzy inside
Edouard: because the AC’s broken again, you idiot
Edouard: and awwww that is so cute
HavanaHavana: Adorable
Benno: Enjoy it while it lasts
NotAStoneSkier: btw Manu, it really helps my ego to prove the various reasons why I am superior to you
SweeperKeeper: Same, and it really helps my ego to send you the daily statistics of my hair thickness
Ali: gtg, the boss has an important announcement for us!
Ederson: bye Ali 👋
Keylor: I’m practicing my cumbia lessons
GoalKepa: can I join you?
Keylor: sure, let’s set up a Zoom thread
SweeperKeeper: Fork you, Marc-Andre
NotAStoneSkier: Fork you too
Chapter 13: Cooking, Roasting, and Burning
Summary:
the goalies are back, and they've got some *opinions* on things...
Notes:
GAHHHHH it's been so long since I updated! but i finaly got around to it 😅
Chapter Text
Kepa: GLORY GLORY TO THE BOURNEMOUTH!
Andre: GLORY GLORY MAN. UNITED
Edi: 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
NutellaNerd: 🤣
🍣🍥Sushi: 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Aaron: 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
MarcAndreDaGoat: 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Muri: 🤣🤣🤣🤣 wind your neck in, Andre, you and your team just lost 0-3 to Spurs AT HOME
Andre: chill out Marc-Andre, you guys got whopped by Who-The-Frick-Are-They-Sasuna
DeGea: We didn’t lose that badly at home when I was there
Andre: uh, yes you did
Marcinho: SAY IT AGAIN
Marcinho: 0 FOR YOU, 5 FOR US
Ali: Hi Marcinho 🤗 how’s Scotland?
Marcinho: well, we’re third in the league
Benno : Not bad! Fulham are sixth
Edi: Guardiola is going to kill me for conceding that pen
Ali: that’s not fair 😕 you're a great keeper and a good guy, Edi
Edi: And because Manuel saved me from getting red-carded and subjected to a long rant in Catalan about goalkeeping and how terrible I am, I’m indebted to cook him authentic Brazilian barbeque for a week
Aaron: When do we play Man. City? I want to save you and get some of that food 🤤
Edi: you greedy little mustard-seed
Marcinho: FOOD
Marcinho: they can’t cook here in Scotland
Marcinho: and even WORSE, I’ve been living with Slim Rogers, since I won’t be living here long enough to buy a house
Ali: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
Kweev: 😱😱😱😱😱😱😱 WE’RE COMING FOR YOU MARCINHO
Marcinho: at least Kasper Schmeichel is a decent cook
🍀Kasper: DECENT?!
🍀Kasper: I’ve been keeping you and our coach in one piece with my smørrebrød, wienerbrød, and frikadeller, and this is the thanks I get?
Marcinho: and am i grateful 👍
Benno: so are we here to talk about food, or are we gonna talk actual news?
Benno: like ME STARTING FOR GERMANY NEXT INTERNATIONAL BREAK!!!!
Ali: ohhhh congrats Benno! 🥰
MarcAndreDaGoat: wait a minute
MarcAndreDaGoat: just because I'm injured and Manu's old doesn't mean that you're gonna be the No. 1 for now
NutellaNerd: NO WAY OH NO WAY JOSE MOURINHO!
Benno: well, who would Germany put on instead?
Edi : Oliver
Marcinho: Alexander
NutellaNerd: Kevin
Andre: Janis
MarcAndreDaGoat: right, I forgot that right now we have as many good goalkeepers as the Brazil NT
Hugoalie: it's like the French NT now
Hugoalie: W e have Mike, Alphonse, Brice, and Illan in the academy!
Hugoalie: and, of course, we had the GOATs of French keeping, Steve and I
Aaron: wind yer neck in, Spurs player 😝
Hugoalie: Wind your neck in, Southampton player
Aaron: That's only 'cause Arteta kicked me out like a used crisp bag
NutellaNerd: not this again 😒
Marcinho: YES THIS AGAIN I LOVE THE DRAMAAAAAA
Kweev: wind yer neck in TNT, you play in Scotland
Marcinho: And you play for Ireland
Kweev: sadly so
Marcinho: at least my National Team has chances of winning trophies
Andre: 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Domi: 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
NutellaNerd: 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Hugoalie: 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Aaron: wind yer neck in fam , you won NOTHING and you're basically eighty
Hugoalie: I won the WORLD CUP
Keylor: not this again...
Hugoalie: you we goalkeeper for Costa Rica, pipe down buddy
Ali: Hate to break it to you, Marcinho, but we're not winning anything until we actually get a coach who knows what he's doing
Marcinho: then we should bring Kloppo in!
Ali: 😍😍😍😍 I ALWAYS KNEW YOU WERE SMART MARCINHO
Marcinho: last night you sent me a long, detailed email titled "Every Stupid Thing You've Done"
Ali: that was a POEM
Marcinho: a poem the length of the Old Testament
Ali: it was a POEM, and I should get a little appreciation for sprinkling some compliments in there, considering you almost married me off to my CAPTAIN
Benno: 🤩😏 TELL ME ALL ABOUT IT
🍣🍥Sushi: SPILL THE BEANS FAM
Benno: WHAT THE--OBJECTION BLUD!
Aaron: 😡 YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO USE NORTH LONDON, CUZ 😡
Kepa: not THIS again
Edi : 😴🙄 here we go
Marcinho: what's he talking about?!
🍀Kasper: "North London" is a dialect of English spoken in...you guessed it, North London 😒
Benno: It comprises of the utilisation of "fam", "blud", "cuz", "you get me", "blammed", and " horty -hor", in a cyclic sequence that establishes emphasis and familiarity
Aaron: the founder of this SACRED language is our esteemed Arsene Wenger, who picked up on slang within the club in 1996 and transformed it into a language
NutellaNerd: 🙄👏🙄👏 A language with only THREE words and THREE phrases, yep very comprehensive
Ali: and isn't this the same Arsene Wenger who's added EXTRA MATCHES to the calendar as if we don't have enough to play the whole year round?!
Edi : AND he found a novel way to frick up the Champions' League
MarcAndreDaGoat: WITHOUT OUR PERMISSION
NutellaNerd: bold of you to talk about fricking up in the Champions' League
NutellaNerd: I would start listing examples, but I'd 8-2 waste my time
MarcAndreDaGoat: 👆 you
MarcAndreDaGoat: and the only reason that I gave you an index finger instead of a middle one is because I'm on my Microsoft now
Keylor: What kind of "esteem" does Wenger have?!
Aaron: the ORIGINAL INVINCIBLES!
Hugoalie: oh pull your head out of the past
Andre: WIND YOUR NECK IN
Ali: WIN A TROPHY FIRST
Edi: even MAN. U won a trophy before you guys, and THEY'RE
Aaron: FLIPPING BULL, FAM!
MarcAndreDaGoat: Barcelona won the league before you guys won a trophy, and we're funded by Spotify
Marcinho: wind yer neck in
Hugoalie: what did you win, BLUD?!
Aaron: EXTREME VIOLATION!
Benno: KICK HIM OUT!
DeGea: KICK HIM OUT!
Kweev: KICK HIM OUT!
Ali: KICK HIM OUT!
Domi: KICK HIM OUT!
(HUGOALIE has been expelled from the chat.)
Muri: 😅 so much better
Keylor: GAHHHH I forgot you're in the chat
Muri: I was here the whole time, watching the chat while eating Pop Tarts 😋👍
Marcinho: we are brothers from another mother, Muriel
Muri: I thought that was established when you drank five shot glasses of cachaça and drunkenly told me all your life secrets
Marcinho: 😑 THAT was supposed to be a secret, idiot
Muri: oops 🤭 sorry Celo
Marcinho: it's fine, abelha
🍀Kasper: 😂 Abelha?!
Muri: 🤣 yeah, I used to call Ali "borboletinha" when he was little, and Ali, with the five-year-old argument of "🥺🥺🥺you need a nickname too, or else you won't know how much I LOVE you🥺🥺🥺", started calling me " abelha"
Edi : 🤣🤣🤣 at least it's a good one
Kepa: 🥺 that is so cute
DeGea: awwwwww 🤣🤣🤣🤣
NutellaNerd: I knew you were soft, Ali, but THIS 😒
Aaron: come ON Manu, it's adorable!
Ali: 🤦♂️ WHY did you tell Marcinho that, Muri?!
Muri: Because Marcinho wasn't the only one drunk that night 😳😂
Ali: That's it, you're banned from the GKU chat Muri
Muri: OH COME ON IT WAS ONE TIME!
Ali: Just kidding mano 😁
Muri: thank goodness, without you guys there's almost no entertainment here in Vitoria
Chapter 14: Slip, Slide, Support
Summary:
Prompt #6: Snowflakes
OR
the Goalkeepers' Union try to help Kweev by recounting some of their greatest mistakes. If only it were that simple.
Chapter Text
Ali: calling all goalkeepers!
Edi: Present
Ali: I wasn't worried about that, Edi, you're always present 😊
Bernd: Here I am!!!
🍀Kasper: Present
Hugoalie: Here I am
Keylor: Greetings!!!
Matt: hey everybody!
Hugoalie: 🚨WARNING! AMERICAN
Matt: bro, you play in the USA
Hugoalie: I wish I didn't
Aaron: I HATE PLAYING FOR SOUTHAMPTON
Aaron: WE'RE ALWAYS WHIPPED
Andre: you try playing for United, it's worse than Southampton
DeGea: which is why I left 😌
MarcAndreDaGoat: 😂😂😂😂 @Manu
NutellaNerd: oh shut up Marc-Andre
MarcAndreDaGoat: that was the dumbest red card I'd ever seen
MarcAndreDaGoat: It made Ali's red against Brighton look smart
Muri: OI leave my brother alone 😑
Ali: It's okay, Muri
Ali: I actually called us here so we could talk about our dumbest mistakes
NutellaNerd: what the hell...
Ali: I know it sounds weird, but it's for Kweev
Ali: He made a pretty big mistake on Wednesday which cost us two points, and he's still beating himself up over it
Ali: HOWEVER, we have the Everton game on Saturday, and since I'm still out injured, we need to get Kweev's confidence back before the match
Edi: I AM IN
Muri: you hate Everton too?! 😃
Edi: not just Everton, PICKFORD
Edi: you've got my back, Ali
🍀Kasper: same, it's about time the Bitter Blues went down
NutellaNerd: I don't see anything in it for me
MarcAndreDaGoat: do you remember after the South Korea game, when our whole national team (minus me) tried to reassure you?
NutellaNerd: yeah, I do
MarcAndreDaGoat: Then get off your high horse and help out a friend
Ali: Marc-Andre's right, we're the Goalkeepers' Union
Ali: We're made for things like this
Yassine: Last time I checked, we made this whole chat to complain about our defences being as solid as snowflakes on an iron
Ali: yes, but we're also made to support each other
Ali: Who better to help us goalkeepers than other goalkeepers?
Edi: obviously
Muri: LET'S GOOOO
Keylor: you have my support
Kepa: definitely
Aaron: same
Ali: okay, I'm bringing Kweev into the chat
( ALI has brought KWEEV into the chat.)
Kweev: hi guys 🙃
Ali: Aqui esta o nosso trevinho!!!
Kweev: If I was your lucky clover, how come I ruined the game
Edi: Because Sunderland and the Tyne suck
Edi: don't blame the messenger, it's facts
Keylor: AGREED
Kepa: Same
Ali: Kweev, I brought you here today so we could cheer you up
Ali: We're going to tell you about some of our worst games, so you won't feel so alone 🤗
Kweev: thanks, but I don't need your pity party
Edi: It's not a pity party 😕 we're doing it because we care about you
Kweev: but you're Ali's friend, not mine
Edi: and friends of Ali are friends of mine, so shut up
Edi: Plus, you and your teammates are so nice to me whenever I drop by Kirkby
Ali: see, Kweev? Kindness pays!!!
Kweev: I guess if it's not out of pity...fine
MarcAndreDaGoat: OKAY LET'S GOOOOOO
MarcAndreDaGoat: Geriatric German greybeards first 😏
NutellaNerd: Damn you and your thrift-store-grade toupee, Marc-Andre
NutellaNerd: and in case you were wondering, Kweev, I have no slip-ups 😌
MarcAndreDaGoat: SOUTH KOREA, SOUTH KOREA, OLE OLE OLE
NutellaNerd: SHUT UP
Yassine: 🤣🤣🤣🤣 I remember watching that on TV, it was flipping hilarious
MarcAndreDaGoat: and heeeeere is the video I took of that moment from the bench
MarcAndreDaGoat: (manuf***situp.mp4)
Hugoalie: HEY RESPECT SPURS, WILL YA?!
Andre: dude, Spurs have about as much self-respect as United
Andre: which is none
Kweev: You know it's bad when even the United goalkeeper is admitting his team is bad😂
Bernd: plus, Manu, WHAT THE HECK?!
Bernd: it looked like you were playing for the Faroe Islands instead of Germany
Muri: Or for Bragantino 😏
Kweev: but you're still the Sweeper Keeper, Manu
Kweev: People still think you're great because you won a whole bunch of trebles
NutellaNerd: Precisely! Which means Marc-Andre is worse than me!!!
Edi: I don't think that's the point, Manu...
NutellaNerd: can we talk about Marc-Andre next? Because I have a whole FILE of the mistakes he's made
Yassine: We're going in order of age, Manu, so the next one is...Kasper
🍀Kasper: oh boy, here goes
🍀Kasper : I was in a penalty shootout in the 2018 World Cup and I didn't do enough to get Denmark through
🍀Kasper: I was in goal when Celtic lost 7-1 to BVB
🍀Kasper: And I'm not as good of a goalkeeper as my father was
Kweev: says who?!
Keylor: yeah, you won the Premier League with Leicester City
Edi: Personally, I think that's cooler than winning it with United
Ali: And you won a whole bunch of other things, too
🍀Kasper: I still couldn't get anything for Denmark
Kweev: but that doesn't make you a bad goalkeeper! it just makes you a good goalkeeper on a terrible national team
Keylor: You think your national team's bad?! I play for COSTA RICA, mi gente
Keylor: they're the international equivalent of Leyton Orient
NutellaNerd: who?
Keylor: exactly 😑
Keylor: so, Kweev, here are the facts
Keylor: It's 2021, and PSG are playing Man. City in the UCL semifinals
Keylor: We'd lost 1-2 at the Etihad in the first leg, and we only needed a 1-0 win to qualify on away goals
Keylor: All I needed to do was keep a clean sheet, and I didn't
Keylor: I swallowed 2 goals, my teammates up front couldn't attack, and we lost the chance to go to the finals
Edi: thank you very much, Keylor 😎
Keylor: SHUT UP
Keylor: and the next summer, I was replaced and shipped to England, which is its own punishment
Kweev: I think your problem was that you had Marqui in your defence
Edi: HALLELUJAH
Kweev: Marqui's defending is so bad nowadays, he can make any good keeper look poor
Ali: Plus, Keylor, any keeper can lose 2-0 against one of the best teams in Europe
NutellaNerd: And I don't think a 2-0 loss against Man. City is enough cause to immediately replace you, who won three UCLs in a ROW, with some guy with only one trophy to his name 😕
Hugoalie: I think that's a case of PSG being, as the French say it, souffrances royales
Andre: 😂
🍀 Kasper: 🤣🤣
Hugoalie: As for my slip-ups, let's just say I played for Spurs and that should tell you everything you need to know
Hugoalie: now can the next one go? if we list all the problems with Spurs, Kweev will be as old as me when I'm done 😒
Yassine: but next on the list is Muri 😂
Edi: who's barely played in a relevant game in his whole career
Muri: YES I HAVE 🤬
NutellaNerd: 😑 Bro, you played in CYPRUS
Muri: and Hugo plays in America, yet I didn't see anybody complaining about his relevance
Hugoalie: Because I played in a UCL final
Muri: Your only purpose in that UCL final was to give Liverpool the trophy
Muri: ANYWAYS, i think all my clubs since Inter have been a mistake 😫 specifically Cyprus
Muri: and one time Marcinho tried to use my bald spot to "blind the opposition"
Ali: why am I not surprised 🙄
NutellaNerd: hey, Muriel, need a toupee? Marc-Andre can help you 🤣🤣🤣
MarcAndreDaGoat: flip off, you haven't won anything in the past 18 months
NutellaNerd: because we're cursed
Edi: SHUT THE FORK UP!!!!
Edi: okay, now that I have practiced diplomacy, your mediator calls David de Gea to speak up
Kepa: 🤣🤣🤣 this will be fun for me
Edi: I know, right? me too!!!
DeGea: oh crawl into a sewer and turn into a rat
DeGea: I won the Golden Glove
Edi: So did I
Ali: So did I
Edi: So did JOE FLIPPING HART
Edi: go on
DeGea: I--
Edi: Missed a penalty in an important UEL final, thus denying United a trophy
Kweev: David, we are forever grateful for you 🙏😌
DeGea: so THAT explains the "Best United Penalty-Taker Ever" medal I got back in 2021 😒
DeGea: I made a mistake in the World Cup in 2018
NutellaNerd: Shock 🙄
DeGea: Spain got further than Germany 😜
MarcAndreDaGoat: AND IT WAS MANU'S FAULT
Kweev: can I speak to a goalkeeper who actually got to at least a third-place match in the World Cup, please?
Keylor: I am costaricense, mi gente
Keylor: We ain't even getting to the round of 16 😑
Yassine: Present, Kweev ✨❄❄❄
NutellaNerd: there he goes, appearing with sparkles like a flipping Barbie fairy princess or Elsa or something
Ali: ...I will not comment on that
Muri: but I will
Muri: WHAT THE F--
Yassine: And my worst mistake was moving to Saudi
Ali: EXCELLENT, now TELL BOBBY THAT
Yassine: eighteen months and you're still trying to get him back 😶 you're hopeless, aren't you?
Ali: I just miss him and Flaco
Ali: but ANYWAYS, enough of my problems
Ali: on to Bernd!
Bernd: I played for Arsenal under Count Dracula
Kweev: WHAT?!
Bernd: oh, I meant Unai Emery
Kweev: no fair, you played with the worst Arsenal defence since the 1980s
Bernd: true, very true
Kweev: and you were haunted by an emaciated French lunatic who made a language out of less than a dozen words
Bernd: FOR THE LAST TIME, FAM, IT'S A DIALECT
Bernd: oh, and I made a lot of mistakes for Fulham too
Kweev: but people don't criticise you because Fulham has no expectations
MarcAndreDaGoat: and THIS is why you don't play for Germany 😌
NutellaNerd: so true 😌 and same for you, Marc-Andre
NutellaNerd: btw, Marc-Andre, YOU'RE NEXT
MarcAndreDaGoat: come on, give me some sympathy
MarcAndreDaGoat: I play for a Barcelona team sponsored by Spotify, represented by high school kids and a 65+ community resident, and operating on the funds of a child's lemonade stand
MarcAndreDaGoat: in Germany I'm continuously benched or excluded, I swallowed eight goals against Bayern, and I can't even get a good toupee
MarcAndreDaGoat: Our defence is as useful as a Cheeto (and NOT the puffy kind), our midfield is...actually quite good, and our attack is only made of three people
Ali: It's better than Brazil's 😫
MarcAndreDaGoat: (slotposing.jpg) Supremacy achieved
Ali: y'know what, I agree with Manu
Ali: you ARE annoying
NutellaNerd: YES ALI LAD!
Muri: LAD?!
Ali: I was saying that Marc-Andre is annoying WHEN he's fighting with Manu
Ali: He's pleasant on his own
Edi: our mission to get Ali to hate someone worth hating continues 😒
Keylor: he doesn't even hate Marqui, and he's the Brazilian Shkodran
MarcAndreDaGoat: well, Ali, you're next
Ali: where do I even begin?
Ali: There's the Real 2-5 game, the Man. City 1-4 game, the Leicester 1-3 game, pretty much every game I played between February and April 2021, the Leicester game in 2018, the first leg against Barcelona, the 2-2 draw with Wolves in 2022-23, the World Cup penalty shootout against Croatia--
Andre: that many mistakes?!
NutellaNerd: come on, Ali, now you're just making yourself sound as bad as Marc-Andre
MarcAndreDaGoat: SHUT THE F--
Ali: but they all happened
Kweev: and yet you won 2 Golden Gloves, a Lev Yashin, a Champions’ League...the list goes on and on
Ali: We had a great defence when we won the UCL, Kweev
Edi: what about 2022-23 when most of your outfield defence defended like a bunch of cockatiels?!
Kweev: Ali, the difference between you and I is that you have enough trophies that people leave you alone
Ali: Leaving me alone is the last thing people do, Kweev
Ali: don't you remember after the Arsenal game last year? The 3-1?
Kweev: oh yeah 🙁 now I do
Edi: I had a lot of bad results too
Edi: We lost 2-5 to Leicester, 0-4 to Spurs, 1-0 to Southampton...the list goes on and on
Matt: I'm no stranger to embarrassing moments, I play for the United States
Kepa: I lost 6-0 to Man. City, missed a penalty in a shootout, and I couldn't even get called up for the Euros
Andre: I went to play another game for United instead of going to Cameroon for AFCON that day, lost that game I stayed for, went to Cameroon, got benched because I purposefully arrived late, and got eliminated from AFCON anyway 🙃
Aaron: I got benched for David Raya, played terribly in the few games I got, and was sold to Southampton
Ali: That's not a mistake from you, that's just Arteta being an idiot
Edi: I'd take you over Stefan
SweeperKeeper: I'd take you over Marc-Andre
MarcAndreDaGoat: 😡 It's mutual
Kweev: Wow, you guys have been through a lot of nasty stuff
Kweev: And you're all still some of the best goalkeepers in this generation 🤩
Kweev: well, except Bernd, Muri, and Matt
Bernd: EXCUSE ME?! 😠😲
Matt: Fork you, Kweev 😤
Muri: fair enough
Ali: not true
Kweev: and if all you blokes can put up with conceding eight goals, being unjustly replaced, missing penalties, death threats, and the MLS and Saudi Pro League, I can face the music again, play against Everton, and do way better than last time
Ali: THAT'S THE SPIRIT, KWEEV! 🥳
Ali: You're going to do great, I promise
Matt: I hate you, but I hate Everton more, so PLEASE DO WELL
Muri: I'm cheering for you, Irish bro, even if you laughed at my bald spot earlier
Kweev: you aren't going to be mad at me?
Muri: Definitely, if I was mad for every time Ali pointed out my bald spot I'd have disowned him by now
Muri: He still forgets that for most of his life, he was shorter than I am
Ali: NOW SEE HERE YOU PARTIALLY-SHINY LITTLE MAN--
(NUTELLANERD has ended the chat.)
( NUTELLANERD has rejoined the chat.)
NutellaNerd: VIVA BAYERN, FORK BARCELONA
NutellaNerd: VIVA BAYERN, FORK BARCELONA
NutellaNerd: VIVA BAYERN, FORK BARCELONA
NutellaNerd: VIVA BAYERN, FORK BARCELONA
NutellaNerd: VIVA BAYERN, FORK BARCELONA
NutellaNerd: VIVA BAYERN, FORK BARCELONA
NutellaNerd: VIVA BAYERN, FORK BARCELONA
NutellaNerd: VIVA BAYERN, FORK BARCELONA
NutellaNerd: VIVA BAYERN, FORK BARCELONA
NutellaNerd: VIVA BAYERN, FORK BARCELONA
NutellaNerd: VIVA BAYERN, FORK BARCELONA
NutellaNerd: VIVA BAYERN, FORK BARCELONA
NutellaNerd: VIVA BAYERN, FORK BARCELONA
NutellaNerd: VIVA BAYERN, FORK BARCELONA
(MARCANDREDAGOAT has entered the chat.)
MarcAndreDaGoat: STONE SKIER STONE SKIER STONE SKIER STONE SKIER STONE SKIER STONE SKIER STONE SKIER STONE SKIER STONE SKIER STONE SKIER STONE SKIER STONE SKIER STONE SKIER STONE SKIER STONE SKIER STONE SKIER STONE SKIER STONE SKIER STONE SKIER STONE SKIER STONE SKIER STONE SKIER STONE SKIER STONE SKIER--
(MURI has ended the chat.)
Muri: Marcinho has more maturity than you two 😒
(MURI has blocked NUTELLANERD and MARCANDREDAGOAT.)
(GUEST#1 and GUEST#2 have joined the chat.)
Guest#1: you will not hold me down for long
Guest#1: I WILL CONTINUE TO DOMINATE MARC ANDRE EVEN IN RETIREMENT!
Guest#2: SHUT UP, SANTA CLAUS SKIS BETTER THAN YOU
Muri: SHUT THE HELL UP YOU TWO!!!!
(MURI has closed the chat to guests.)
(MURI has kicked GUEST#1 and GUEST#2 out of the chat.)
Muri: finally, peace and quiet
(OLDMANADRIAN has joined the chat.)
OldManAdrian: where is everybody?! We were supposed to help Kweev today!
Muri: bro...THAT WAS 2,520 WORDS AGO
Chapter 15
Summary:
in which one keeper has a trophy, Andre's gained confidence, and Ali's on a mission to save the trees
Chapter Text
Ali: Do any of you know where I can find Greta Thunberg?
Edi: you only said one thing, and I can already tell this is a crazier idea then you trying to recruit me so I won’t be lonely 😜
Ali: this is serious, edi!
Ali: Slot is threatening deforestation of the entire Nottingham area
SweeperKeeper: 🤣 you’re so damn gullible, Becker
SweeperKeeper: your manager’s JOKING
Ali: oh
Ali: he seemed angry enough to threaten it
IWonATrophyIn2025: 🎶 If you’ve won a trophy in 2025, CLAP YOUR HANDS 🎶
SweeperKeeper: fork you marc andre
IWonATrophyIn2025: even the POPG won a trophy before you this year
Benno: POPG???
IWonATrophyIn2025: Pair Of Polish Grandpas
Ali: Wojciech is only two years older than me…
Edi: OMG YOU’RE SOOOOOO OLD 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Ali: you’re only ten months younger than me, Edi
Edi: oh 💀
IWonATrophyIn2025: 🎶IF YOU BEAT REAL THIS SEASON, CLAP YOUR HANDS 🎶
Kweev: 👏 👏
Kweev: 🎶 WAKE UP OUT OF BED AND STUMBLE IN THE KITCHEN, SCREAM ABOUT BAD REFEREE DECISIONS, AND HOPE AND PRAY YOUR FORWARDS COME ALIVE 🎶
Ali: WHAT A MASTERPIECE, KWEEV!
Ali: now could you please play it to mo
Ali: i love Mo (Roma buddies forever!!!) but I swear if he continues shooting like he did yesterday, i’ll have to go play striker
Andre: you didn’t exactly cover yourself in glory either Ali
Ali: no I didn’t 🙃
Andre: Diogo had to rescue y’all
Benno: oh, LOOK AT HIM
Benno: one penalty shootout win against Arsenal and they’re giving it the biggun
Benno: it’s not even important
Andre: THE FA CUP IS IMPORTANT, FLIP YOU 😡
Benno: not at this stage
Benno: even Fulham got through 😂😂😂😂😂
SweeperKeeper: 😑 you play for Fulham, Benno
Benno: oh
Fraser: @Ali 🎶 YOU HAVEN’T KEPT A CLEAN SHEET/ SINCE 2024 🎶
DavidR: NEITHER HAVE YOU
Kweev: plus, 2024 was only 15 days ago
Andre: wth????????
IWonATrophyIn2025: and I still won a trophy 😌
SweeperKeeper: you’re the only one who’s played in a FINAL in 2025
( IWONATROPHYIN2025 has changed their chat name to STILLBETTERTHANMANU.)
StillBetterThanManu: you're such a loser
SweeperKeeper: say that to the one who's top of his league 🤣
SweeperKeeper: IF YOU LOST TO LAS PALMAS, CLAP YOUR HANDS
StillBetterThanManu: that's it, I'm sending you to play in the Korean Pro League
SweeperKeeper: THAT'S EVEN WORSE THAN SAUDI
Andre: don't worry! relevant players play there!
SweeperKeeper: WHO?!
Andre: Jesse Lingard
Ali: 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Edi: 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 NAHHNAHHH NO CHANCE
DavidR: even Kai's better than him, and he blew the penalty worse than Barca blew the Champions’ League semi in 2019
StillBetterThanManu: OH COME ON 😫😫😫
Kweev: 😏 I'm taking Manu's side, he's better than you
StillBetterThanManu: 😑 HE LOST THE LEAGUE TO COLOGNE
StillBetterThanManu: HOW IS HE BETTER?!
(LUKAS & YASSINE have entered the chat.)
Lukas: because we went unbeaten, scored goals to get us points, and our defenders could defend
Fraser: could???
Lukas: until Edmond Tapsoba went full-Spurs on us
Fraser: my whole team goes full-Spurs on me
Edi: including you 😌😎
Fraser: and we've still played better than Man. City this season
Edi: 😑 bro you're in the bottom half
Fraser: ughhhhhh WHY DID I SIGN FOR SPURS?!
Yassine: because your style of play (read: nailing it up) makes you a perfect fit
SweeperKeeper: You could've joined Barca instead
SweeperKeeper: You'd get ahead of Marc-Andre-Toupee
Andre: 😂😂😂😂 I'M DEAD
Ali: please don't be
Ali: United need you
Edi: no they don't, they've got that Turkish guy
Edi: he's better than nine Andres
Andre: do you KNOW how hard my job is?!
Andre: I have to play with the most dysfunctional defence since the Indonesian women's national team
Ali: I still think you're cool, Andre
Andre: awwwww thanks!!!!
Kweev: you'd be cooler if you were good
Andre: and you'd be cooler if you could win a game against Newcastle United
Kweev: NOT MY KRYPTONITE
Ali: That was uncalled for 😠
Andre: and what would you do about it? send a bunny to attack me?
Andre: Throw a guitar at me?
Andre: Run after me with that hamstring of yours?
Ali: Support a man through his time at Man. U, and this is what you get
DavidR: he's got a point, though
DavidR: did Thiago give you a hamstring donation as a parting gift last year?!
Kweev: did a pig give you that nose job?
DavidR: did a termite give you those ankles?
Kweev: did the devil give you Jurrien?
DavidR: did the devil give you Jarell?
Ali: BOTH OF YOU STOP! And be nice 😠
Kweev: okay...
DavidR: but Aaron and I did this all the time!!!
Kweev: sorry David R, your nose doesn't look like a pig
DavidR: and your ankles don't look like termites
Yassine: thank goodness for that
Yassine: who would like to hear about my latest escapedes in the 🎶🐪🌵SAUDI PRO LEAGUE 🎶🐪🌵
SweeperKeeper: none of us, because WE DON'T CARE
Ali: Don't say that, Manu, I watch it sometimes!
SweeperKeeper: only because your friends are there
Ali: true...
Yassine: it's okay, I don't really care, either
Yassine: i'm just waiting to get back on a relevant team
Andre: you can come join United
Fraser: you can come join Spurs
Lukas: you know that won't work 😂
Fraser: true
Chapter 16: The Old And The New
Summary:
New faces show up, old faces disappear, and Manu and Marc-Andre have found something new to beef about, because they're Manu and Marc-Andre 🙄🤣
Chapter Text
OliTheNew#1: so, for all of you who don't know me, my name's Oliver, but you can call me Oli 👋 i'm the new no. 1 for Germany!
MarcAndreDaGoat: NO WAY YOU AREN'T
MarcAndreDaGoat: wait until i come back from injury, then you'll see 😒
Mike: FRANCE IS ON FIRE, NATIONS' LEAGUE IS PURIFIED
Mike: FRANCE IS ON FIRE, AH-HA!
Unai: where is everyone???
Mike: who the hell are you?
Unai: I'm the starting keeper for Spain, THANK YOU 🙄
Bart: and I'm starting keeper for THE NETHERLANDS
OliTheNew#1: and Brighton 😂😂😂 pipe down seagull
Bart: at least it's a team that plays in Europe once in a while
Edi: MERCI MIKE
Edi: 🤣🤣🤣 CROATIA IS OUT RAPAZES
Ali: wait WHAT?!
Bento: YOU HEARD HIM
Ali: Mike, whatever you want, I'll send it to you as a thank-you gift
Mike: okay, the best thank-you would be for Brazil to beat up Argentina, since they denied us the World Cup last time
Ali: I wish i could help on that 😔 i got a concussion during the Colombia game and they sent me home based on protocol
Kweev: are you okay lad?! I saw it, that was an awful collision
Ali: I was dizzy before, and my head hurt when I woke up
Ali: but I'm okay now, and Lucho told me that the other guy's okay too
Kasper🍀: thank goodness for that
(MANU has joined the chat.)
Manu: okay WHY was I kicked out of the chat?!?!?!
Edi: well...we decided to change it a little
Ali: you mean YOU decided
Edi: somebody had to take control of the union 😏
MarcAndreDaGoat: BRO you're my vice-president, I'M the president
Andre: now it's only goalkeepers who play regularly for their national teams
Kweev: that's why Keylor, Hugo, Muriel, Bernd, Kepa, and Aaron are all gone
Manu: WHAT?! ABOMINATION 😤😤😤
MarcAndreDaGoat: this leaves me as the chat president 😌 you're welcome
Manu: okay, SERIOUSLY?!
Manu: I'm still the starting goalkeeper for Bayern
MarcAndreDaGoat: who cares? people look forward to seeing GERMANY play, and whoever plays for Germany is supreme
Kweev: I'm with Marc-Andre
Kweev: if it weren't for the Ireland team, there would be people who never saw how good I am because I don't play every game for Liverwool
Kweev: and starting keepers can be real jerks to their back-ups
Kweev: namely, Manu to Marc-Andre
Kweev: it's about time he got some spotlight for ONCE without just being here as your counterpart ✊
Manu: 🤣🤣🤣 okay Kweev, I've got three things to say about that
Manu: first of all, Marc-Andre is as much of a jerk to me as I am to him, so it cancels out and it's mutual
MarcAndreDaGoat: Noted 😌😌😌
Manu: second of all, if this is all keepers who start for their national teams, Ederson hasn't started for Brazil since summer 2023
Manu: for all his hot-air talk, Marc-Andre hasn't even started for Germany since I retired
Ederson: and part of that is because I was injured during the Copa, and Marc-Andre's been injured for months!!!
OliTheNew#1: didn't Bento get second place ahead of you last time?
Ederson: that's still arbitrary
Ederson: but I know what isn't arbitrary
Ederson: you aren't just a jerk to Marc-Andre, Manu, you're a jerk to EVERYBODY in this chat
Ederson: just like all starting keepers
Manu: WELL THEN, I'm sorry your perception of starting keepers comes from looking at yourself in the mirror
Manu: not all starting goalkeepers are jerks
Manu: I only have beef with the other German keepers because ever since Russia, they all want to usurp MY SPOT
Manu: have you not NOTICED?! I'm NICE to the other guys!
Manu: at the very least I'm not horrible to them!
Manu: i'm even nice to those who played in rubbish leagues, like Hugo in the USA and Muriel in the Cypriot league
Mike: I'm with Manu on this one
Mike: I'm starting keeper for France, and I get along with Alphonse and Brice
Mike: at least most of the time
Andre: I get along with that other guy who plays in goal for United sometimes
Ali: you mean Altay?
Andre: i think that's his name
MarcAndreDaGoat: how can you get along with somebody and you don't know his name?
Andre: we don't speak, so we can't fight 😌 see no evil, hear no evil, say no evil 🙈🙉🙊
Bento: Edi, Ali, and I get along, and we're all fighting for the No. 1 spot
Bento: it's mainly the media who exaggerates it into a rivalry
Bart: well, Jan from the Dutch team and I have a rivalry
Bart: but we don't fight like the German keepers do
Kasper🍀: can we bring the others back?
Kasper🍀: the chat's dull without the others
Unai: yeah, I don't think I gel with this chat
Unai: I'll stick to GKU Spain
Ali: don't worry, you'll find your niche here eventually! It took me some time, too 😊
Unai: thanks, but I prefer chatting with the other La Liga keepers
Bart: Well, I'm staying
Mike: me too
Mike: now that Hugo's retired, somebody needs to represent France
OliTheNew#1: well I'll stay too
OliTheNew#1: I'd like to sink my teeth into this rivalry of old German men
Manu: WHAT?!
MarcAndreDaGoat: okay Manu, look
MarcAndreDaGoat: I need a compatriot to beef with, but the others don't cut it
MarcAndreDaGoat: so what I'm saying is...I need you here
Manu: I can't believe I'm saying this, but I need you here too
Manu: I need somebody to trash-talk every time I come here
Manu: Edi's all bark and little bite like a chihuahua, Ali's a cinnamon roll who only trash-talks when he's mad, the Spaniards are wrapped up in their own rivalry, and, quite frankly, Bernd, Oli, and Alex are all lame
MarcAndreDaGoat: agreed
Bento: I KNEW ITTTTTTT
Bento: GIMME TWENTY EUROS EDI!!!
Manu: WE'RE NOT LIKE THAT
MarcAndreDaGoat: we're frenemies
Bart: but what if you were...
Kasper🍀: boyfrenemies?
Manu: you know what? i actually hate you
MarcAndreDaGoat: me too
MarcAndreDaGoat: SO I'm going off to that bar next to Signal Iduna to celebrate us FINALLY agreeing on something!
MarcAndreDaGoat: and you're coming with me
Manu: 😳
MarcAndreDaGoat: what?
Manu: 🤦♂️ you just made it sound like we're going on a date
Bento: thank you very much, I can't wait to tell Bobby and Flaco about this 😏😏😏😏
Ali: EXCUSE YOU?!
Ali: it's MY job to tell Bobby and Flaco everything!!! i'm their best friend!
Bento: race you to Bobby's WhatsApp, then 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Ali: it is SO. ON!
(BENTO, ALI, and UNAI have left the chat.)
Manu: so...I get to stay?
MarcAndreDaGoat: everybody who wants to gets to stay
MarcAndreDaGoat: we need the drama 😏
Manu: 😏
Kasper🍀: so...boyfrenemies?
Manu: SHUT UP
MarcAndreDaGoat: SHUT UP
Chapter 17: Barcapool
Summary:
In which there's Barca drama, Liverpool wins the league, and Bento loves jumping to conclusions
Chapter Text
MarcAndreDaGoat: PLAYERS GONNA PLAY PLAY PLAY PLAY PLAY
Robert'sDude: AND THE HATERS GONNA HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE
SweeperKeeper: you are so annoying Marc-Andre 😒
MarcAndreDaGoat: sorry I'm celebrating another trophy 🏆😎
MarcAndreDaGoat: IF YOU WON A TROPHY THIS YEAR CLAP YOUR HANDS!
GoalkeepingIrishLad: 👏👏👏
Ali: 👏👏👏
MarcAndreDaGoat: see Manu? even the stingiest club in England won a trophy ahead of you 😌😌
Robert'sDude: HOLD UP HOLD UP!!!
Robert'sDude: @Ali is that you?
Ali: yeah...
Robert'sDude: 😲😲😲 IT'S ME! Wojciech!
Ali: ...
Ali: you have got to be kidding me
MarcAndreDaGoat: *scooches closer with a bowl of popcorn*
MarcAndreDaGoat: SPILL THE TEA
Edi: we could still win a trophy 😉
Benno: literally no one cares
MarcAndreDaGoat: EXACTLY
MarcAndreDaGoat: Man. City have been so crap recently that the only time we read your headlines is if they have the words "embarrassing", "new low", or "FFP" in them
GoalkeepingIrishLad: 😂😂😂 SO TRUE
Bart: FACT
Mike: even AC Milan's more relevant than Man. City now
Edi: 🤣🤣🤣🤣 AS IF
Edi: nobody cares about AC Milan now except the American media, and that's just because they have their token American superstar in Italy
Robert'sDude: what about Weston at Juventus? y'all are vile 😒
SweeperKeeper: watch out, the old man's using SLANG
Robert'sDude: I'm younger than YOU
SweeperKeeper: anywaysssss
SweeperKeeper: what's everybody been up to as of this fine Wednesday?
MarcAndreDaGoat: i'm preparing for a UCL match 🥱 being the best German keeper is so exhausting
SweeperKeeper: no wonder, you spend 95% of your energy being a diva
Robert'sDude: WHOA WHOA WHOA
Robert'sDude: I'M the one prepping for a UCL match
Robert'sDude: you're the one lazing on the bench and roasting my performances
MarcAndreDaGoat: maybe because I'm better than you
Robert'sDude: 😑
Robert'sDude: you're gonna say that after I came out of retirement, saved Barca's season, won two trophies, and could still win two more trophies?!
MarcAndreDaGoat: you didn't retire, you quit because Poland is worse than San Marino
Robert'sDude: wind your hair transplant in, dude
Robert'sDude: it's not like Germany's done any better recently
SweeperKeeper: BACK OFF 😡😡😡 roasting Marc-Andre is my job
Bento: sounds a bit gay
SweeperKeeper: HOW DOES THAT SOUND A BIT gay?!
Bento: boyfrenemy theory
SweeperKeeper: i'm glad you're nowhere near munich, you’re so annoying
(Several others have joined the chat.)
Andre: I could watch the Barca keepers fighting all day 😌😌
MarcAndreDaGoat: because your life in Manchester is miserable?!
Edi: 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Andre: STOP LAUGHING EDI
Andre: I'll have you know that we BEAT Man. City this season ⭐⭐⭐
Bart: that's not so huge, even Spurs did that
Bart: although we are above you in the table, so I won't lower myself to be compared to the trash 😌😌
Benno: ditto
SweeperKeeper: what position is Man. U in, Andre?
Mike: i'm curious, too
MarcAndreDaGoat: *scooches closer with a bowl of popcorn* TELL ME
Andre: not talking about it 😑
MarcAndreDaGoat: what a selfish man, keeping all the tea to himself 😒😒😒 like RUDE
Bento: i knowwwww, there's nothing to do in Saudi Arabia
Bento: Bobby and Flaco are giggling about Liverpool's title win over a bottle of wine like old men 🙄🙄🙄
Bart: congrats to Liverpool btw 🥳 if those arrogant fleas up in London won it they would be insufferable
MarcAndreDaGoat: yeah, Arsenal are like the Real Madrid of England
MarcAndreDaGoat: minus the money-laundering
GoalkeepingIrishLad: don't worry, they'll get started veeeeery soon 🙄
GoalkeepingIrishLad: where do you think they got the money to buy Rice AND the PGMOL in one season?
MarcAndreDaGoat: FACTOS
Benno: 😲 YOU'RE RIGHT
Aaron: i'm with you because i'm still salty about Arteta sending me to get relegated
SweeperKeeper: 😂😂😂 love your saltiness, Aaron
Andre: i'm tireeeeeeed 😫 if it wasn't for me, we would be relegated
GoalkeepingIrishLad: we could deal with that 🤪🤪🤪🤪
Aaron: can we swap places Andre? I stay in the league and you get to escape Man. U?
Andre: I'd appreciate that to no end, but for your own sake I have to warn you not to do it
Andre: you'd rather play in the third division of Turkiye than in Man. U
Edi: i'm still mad that we didn't win the league, but WOOT WOOT 🥳
Robert'sDude: now you sound as old as Manu
SweeperKeeper: oh go play at Man. U, relic
Robert'sDude: I'll have you know that I've been the undisputed No. 1 of every team I've been at
Robert'sDude: Ali could tell you all about it
Edi: speaking of which, I highly remember you and Ali having ✨history✨
Ali: please, let's not
Robert'sDude: don't you fondly remember playing with the current best Barca keeper?!
Ali: you barely talked to me
Robert'sDude: okay, maybe we weren't THAT close
Robert'sDude: in all fairness, i wanted to be closer to you
Robert'sDude: but then i caught you helping baby chipmunks into a tree
GoalkeepingIrishLad: that sounds like such an Ali thing to do 🤣
Edi: i know right???
Andre: and that was a dealbreaker because?
Robert'sDude: Because one of the chipmunks was sick and died
Robert'sDude: Ali was really upset about it, but I couldn't relate even when I tried
Robert'sDude: plus, I figured I wouldn't be staying at Roma long
Robert'sDude: so I spared us the trouble of trying to connect when we were so different
Ali: I thought you were ignoring me all this time...
Robert'sDude: I never was
Robert'sDude: I thought if I couldn't relate with you on that little moment, I couldn't relate with you at all
Robert'sDude: and you thought I was ignoring you
Robert'sDude: but since we're both older and smarter than we were before...
Robert'sDude: peace?
Ali: peace 🤗
Robert'sDude: mutual madrid haters?
Ali: you can say that again 😌
GoalkeepingIrishLad: HELL YES
MarcAndreDaGoat: 👍👍👍 hate those little fleas
Benno: next year Fulham's gonna steal allll their players
MarcAndreDaGoat: wind your neck in, mid-table dweller
Benno: wind your hair transplant in, old man
SweeperKeeper: yes Marc-Andre, wind your hair transplant in 😂😂😂
MarcAndreDaGoat: wind your skis in before you break your other leg
SweeperKeeper: NO FAIR I'M ALREADY INJURED
Andre: I don't know what's less durable, Manu's skeletal system or Ali's hamstrings
Ali: YOU HAD TO GO THERE?!
Andre: just saying that you missed 10 Premier League games because of them
Ali: two of those games were because I somehow ended up getting a tall, built, ripped Colombian six-foot guy flying into my head like a Soviet space shuttle during the international break
GoalkeepingIrishLad: damn you could've just said concussion
Bento: your description of Davidson Sanchez sounds a bit gay
SweeperKeeper: shut up.
Bento: no.
SweeperKeeper: go win a trophy before arguing with the big boys
Bento: we could say that about you last year
MarcAndreDaGoat: 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
MarcAndreDaGoat: you roasted Manu, so consider yourself an honorary German, Bento!
MarcAndreDaGoat: sidenote tho, you'll have to be behind me in the pecking order until I choose to retire 😁
SweeperKeeper: what a joyous day that will be 😌😌😌
MarcAndreDaGoat: i get to enjoy your retirement first 😏😌
Bento: nah i don't wanna join german football
Bento: at least Brazil gets out of the group stages in the WORLD CUP
Edi: HE DID NOT
Robert'sDude: BURNNNNNNN
GoalkeepingIrishLad: GHOOOOOSTBUSTERS 👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻
GoalkeepingIrishLad: oh wait we're not doing that today?
Benno: in German, they would be the Poltergeistbusters
SweeperKeeper: hardy har har
SweeperKeeper: we basically have the domestic league in the bag!!!
Bento: watch Leverkusen win all their games and Bayern lose all of theirs now 😏😏😏
SweeperKeeper: are you serious? I am THE sweeper keeper!
MarcAndreDaGoat: these days you're not even the Swiffer keeper
MarcAndreDaGoat: you're hardly even the cleaning rag
SweeperKeeper: why don't you enjoy getting benched next season and Barca loaning you out to Getafe?
MarcAndreDaGoat: strange, I looked into my crystal ball today 🔮🔮🔮 and saw you getting loaned to Bochum
SweeperKeeper: WIND YOUR HAIR TRANSPLANT IN BEFORE YOU BALD LIKE ARNE SLOT
Chapter 18: Milan
Summary:
In which Manu and Marc-Andre go to brunch together.
Chapter Text
Marc-AndreDaGoat: AND I'M NEVER GONNA DANCE AGAIN
Marc-AndreDaGoat: GUILTY FEET HAVE GOT NO RHYTHM
SweeperKeeper: ' 80s songs on a Wednesday? cringeeeeee
Marc-AndreDaGoat: sometimes, after a crushing trip to Italy, capital letters are the only thing a man has got
SweeperKeeper: diva, the 210 minutes played literally had nothing to do with you
Benno: both german keepers knocked out of europe? i think we all know who's boss 😌😌
SweeperKeeper: you were never IN EUROPE loser!!!
Marc-AndreDaGoat: i made it the furthest, so I'm the best
SweeperKeeper: I already won my domestic league
Benno: And I've been uninjured THE WHOLE SEASON
SweeperKeeper: well there's only one way to solve this
Marc-AndreDaGoat: A RAP BATTLE!
Benno: THREE MEN ENTER
SweeperKeeper: TWO MEN LEAVE
(EDI, ALI, MATT, ROBERT'SDUDE, BART, ANDRE, EDOUARD and YASSINE have joined the chat.)
Edouard: IF YOU WON A TROPHY THIS SPRING PUT YOUR HANDS UP ✋🤚
Edi: you are a vile person, Edouard
Edi: let's watch the Germans BATTLE IT OUT
Ali: WAIT WHAT?!
Ali: no violence please 😊
Bart: 😑 it's a rap battle, idiot
Ali: oh
Edi: and don't call Ali an idiot, Bart 😠
SweeperKeeper: First Harry Kane wins a trophy, then Edi's making peace? the world is upside down
Edi: only i'm allowed to call him an idiot 😌
SweeperKeeper: phew, I was worried that Ederson was experiencing character growth 😂
Edi: fork you manu
Edi: you're going to lose the rap battle to Marc-Andre, anyways
Edi: he has, like, 24 teenagers helping him
Andre: where the hell did he get all those teens from?!
Edi: they're his teammates
Edi: no wonder you got knocked out of the UCL, you're babysitting kids in between playing football
Marc-AndreDaGoat: at least we got to the semis, unlike Man. City who couldn't even get to the round of 16
Edi: hey we faced REAL MADRID!
Marc-AndreDaGoat: that same Real Madrid were broiled in butter and eaten for breakfast by Cannonballs, who just got pressure-cooked by PSG
Ali: i can't believe i'm actually cheering for PSG to go through after what they did to us 😑
Ali: i swear if Donnaruma prank-calls me while singing "Bye Bye Bye” in Italian again, I'm going to block him
Marc-AndreDaGoat: all them italians are vileeeee
Ali: not true, Fede's the sweetest guy you'll ever meet
Andre: 🤨😏
Ali: HE HAS A BOYFRIEND ALREADY!
Benno: what about our rap battle 🥺🥺🥺
SweeperKeeper: forget it, Marc-Andre has all of Generation Alpha helping him out
Marc-AndreDaGoat: hey, Manu
SweeperKeeper: what?
Marc-AndreDaGoat: it felt amazing to play in the semis against the team that beat you 😛😛😛
Edi: .
Edi: WE WERE DENIED A DIRECT BATTLE BETWEEN MANU AND MARC-ANDRE?!? 😫😫😫😫😫😫😫😫
Bart: NOOOOOOO it would've been so FUN
Yassine: fun?! there would be casualties!!!
Yassine: and by casualties, i mean marc-andre's hair transplant and manu's skis
SweeperKeeper: oh go win a trophy first
Yassine: (yassinewitheuropaleaguetrophy.png)
Yassine: sounds good 😁😁😁
Edouard: oh btw
Edouard: Bobby says hi, Ali
Ali: the best thing said in today's chat 😌
Edouard: he also says that he's colouring his hair green
Ali: WHAT
Edi: he'd pull it off to be honest 😏😏😏🔥
Ali: edi...
Ali: ARE YOU CRUSHING ON MY BIRTHDAY TWIN?!
Edi: idk, am I?
Ali: he's taken, thank you
Edi: fiiiiine, i gave up on that Norwegian guy anyways
SweeperKeeper: speaking of which...
SweeperKeeper: Thomas moved out of our house yesterday...
Andre: wait
Andre: you two live together?
Matt: AND YOU HAVE A HOUSE TOGETHER?!
Matt: sounds a bit 🏳🌈
SweeperKeeper: something about how he's leaving and needs to start exploring his options of housing
Robert'sDude: at this rate, I wouldn't be surprised if Thomas got together with Robert, leaving Marc-Andre free to date Manu
Edi: that would be wild 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Benno: and it would never work
Benno: they hate each other too much to love
Andre: have you forgotten all the times Manu and Marc-Andre said they need each other, RIGHT IN FRONT OF US?!
Andre: maybe being together will be enough to stop them fighting over petty things
SweeperKeeper: ABSOLUTELY NOT we will fight more
Marc-AndreDaGoat: then why don't we test that?
Marc-AndreDaGoat: where are you?
SweeperKeeper: in Milan, watching you
Matt: sounds a bit 🏳🌈
SweeperKeeper: watching his DOWNFALL last night
Marc-AndreDaGoat: then meet me in that pasta place a couple miles north from the stadium
Marc-AndreDaGoat: we're going to brunch together
Andre: can I come?
SweeperKeeper: fork off, this is only for people who've won trophies with their club
Andre: but I DID win trophies with undivided!
SweeperKeeper: undivided can do that?!
Edouard: is it a trophy for possession of most rats?
Marc-AndreDaGoat: you learn something new every day 😂
Andre: NO
Andre: they're dignified trophies, like the FA Cup and EFL Cup
SweeperKeeper: 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Andre: hey, if Ali and the rest of his team thought it was enough to have a trophy parade over, then they're dignified trophies
Ali: that was only because we won both of them in the same season
Ali: we won the EFL cup last year and we didn't have a trophy parade
Andre: but we did...
Yassine: what a loser 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Bart: sorry, Andre, let me explain it to you
Bart: ✨BIG clubs✨ only parade single trophies if it's an important trophy (like winning the league) or if it's their first trophy of that kind
Andre: what are you talking about?! Brighton never touched a trophy in their whole damn history 😂😂😂
Andre: except if they consider seagulls in a stadium to be trophies
Bart: shut UP Andre, if it wasn't for Bruno Fernandes, you guys would be playing in the Championship next year
Edi: we could live with that 😎😎😎😎 ADIOS LOSERS
Edi: btw I'm considering Saudi Arabia
Ali: WHAT.
Ali: NO WAY
Ali: no WAY am I losing another friend to Saudi Arabia
Edouard: mamma mia
Marc-AndreDaGoat: HERE I GO AGAIN
Marc-AndreDaGoat: (brunchwithmanu1.png)
Marc-AndreDaGoat: which polo do I wear?! The green one with argyle, or the black and white one?
Marc-AndreDaGoat: @Ali this question is especially for you 🤪🤪🤪
Ali: 😑 none
Marc-AndreDaGoat: right, topless it is!!!
Edi: what have you DONE?!
Robert'sDude: I already see his printer-paper chest in the locker room every day
Edouard: dude NOBODY NEEDED TO KNOW THAT
Edouard: the whole reason goalkeepers don't score often is so they don't take off their shirts
Bart: maybe it's because we're ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE PITCH, too busy bailing out our "dEfENdErS" who think they're sooooo much better than us because they can score goals once in a while 😒😒😒😒😒
Bart: BRO YOU TRY GETTING ASSAULTED BY TWENTY-NINE SHOTS ON YOUR GOAL PER GAME
Marc-AndreDaGoat: (brunchwithmanu2.png) Yellow polo or blue polo?
Edi: the blue one, 'cause yellow looks horrid on you 😊
Marc-AndreDaGoat: 🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩 awww thAnK yOU!!!!!
Marc-AndreDaGoat: 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬😤😤😤😤🤬🤬🤬✊✊✊✊✊👊👊👊 HEADS WILL ROLL
Benno: btw Manu just called me in a private chat to ask which tuxedo he should wear
Marc-AndreDaGoat: so I shouldn't go shirtless then...
Yassine: that was the IMPLICATION 🙄🙄🙄🙄
Matt: sounds a bit 🏳🌈
Marc-AndreDaGoat: SHUT UP AMERICAN
Matt: didn't you guys literally put up a 96-mile wall around one city to separate the whole country?
Marc-AndreDaGoat: MILES?! HOW CRUDE
* 2 hours later *
SweeperKeeper: this is why I'm glad I never met up with the rest of you idiots in person
Ali: what happened?
Edouard: disclaimer, I'm snitching this whole story to Bobby as we speak
Marc-AndreDaGoat: gracias ✨✨✨ now the WHOLE WORLD WILL KNOW
Edi: SPILL THE TEA
Marc-AndreDaGoat: it started well
Marc-AndreDaGoat: we met up, got a table for two, and ordered a Caesar salad to split
Marc-AndreDaGoat: but then Manu opened up his big mouth with great teeth and started spouting nonsense about how Caesar salad wasn't invented by Julius Caesar
SweeperKeeper: IT WAS NOT INVENTED BY JUILIUS CAESAR!
SweeperKeeper: it was invented by an Italian man named Caesar Cardini who worked at a restaurant in Tijuana, Mexico, on July 4th 1924
Benno: BOOOOOOOO
Yassine: BORING
Andre: no wonder you're single
Marc-AndreDaGoat: but when Manu backed up his argument, I actually forgave him, because I find people who back up their arguments with evidence very pleasant!
Matt: sounds a bit 🏳🌈
SweeperKeeper: then we ordered antipasti
Bart: hold up, if you went to a pasta place then why would you be anti-pasta?
Andre: uncultured mollusc
Andre: antiPASTI are Italian appetizers
Bart: oh
SweeperKeeper: I asked for arancini, while Marc-Andre ordered the breaded eggplants
Marc-AndreDaGoat: it's a comfort food, OKAY?! i don't like trying new food
SweeperKeeper: they brought me the arancini, but the people mixed up Marc-Andre's order and brought him pickled eggplant
Marc-AndreDaGoat: and I do NOT do pickled things 😣😣😣😣
SweeperKeeper: so I let him try my arancini
Marc-AndreDaGoat: i liked it even better than the breaded eggplants
Ali: awwwwww
Edi: slow down guys, I don't think we can plan the wedding before this summer 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Matt: sounds a bit 🏳🌈
SweeperKeeper: SHUT UP BEFORE I SEND YOU ALL TO HOFFENHEIM
Edouard: bobby says fork you, manu, and viva la hoffenheim
Marc-AndreDaGoat: we stowed away the pickled eggplant to give to the Barca youngsters
Marc-AndreDaGoat: then we ordered pasta
Benno: hold up, all of this at BRUNCH?!
SweeperKeeper : sorry, Bernd, let me explain it to you
SweeperKeeper: when you're at a ✨BIG✨ club, you win trophies
SweeperKeeper: for most (like Marc-Andre) it is extremely hard work
Marc-AndreDaGoat: fork off 🙄
Marc-AndreDaGoat: we ordered risotto alla milanese
SweeperKeeper: (brunchwithmarc-andre.png)
SweeperKeeper: but it had NO MEAT 😒😒😒😒
Bart: 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Marc-AndreDaGoat: so then we ordered veal
Andre: damn, I miss Italian food
Andre: the British can't cook to save their crown jewels
Edi: felt
Edi: this is why I come over whenever Ali's lit the barbeque
Ali: you mean to say you come to Kirkby at random, unplanned times TO LEECH OFF MY BARBEQUE?!
Edi: yup 😋😋😋🤤🤤🤤😁😁😁
Ali: you have gone too far, Moraes
Marc-AndreDaGoat: do you want to hear our brunch date story or not?!
SweeperKeeper: you're making it sound like it's a hallmark movie 😒😒😒😒
Edouard: SPILL IT
Edouard: Bobby's having the time of his life
Edouard: he also says Edi's right to leech off Ali's barbeque
Ali: Bobby's allowed to leech off my barbeque because of twin privileges
Edi: what about goalkeepers' privileges? 🥺🥺🥺
Ali: last time you cited "goalkeepers' privileges" you walked off with a pound of succulently slow-cooked, juicy, peppercorn-anointed flank steak
Matt: I WANT IN 🍽🍽🍽🍽🍽 when I come over to Anfield at the end of the season, I'm sticking around for the barbeque
Ali: WHAT
SweeperKeeper: anyways, Marc-Andre dropped his knife and fork halfway through and felt too full to get up and get another
Marc-AndreDaGoat: so Manu shared his!
Matt: sounds a bit 🏳🌈
SweeperKeeper: when all was said and done, we went out for gelato
SweeperKeeper: Marc-Andre poked fun of my skis, but I have to admit I had a decent time
Marc-AndreDaGoat: well I had a GREAT time!
Bart: you had a GAY old time
Yassine: y'know what?? we should meet up
Yassine: what if we did it this summer?
Benno: what about preseason?
Yassine: we'll do it a couple days after the UCL final, so everybody will be available
Robert'sDude: I'll bring an authentic treble to show y'all!
Edi: will you be bringing your single trophy @Manu?
SweeperKeeper: nope, Harry will probably want to keep it to show the other England guys
Edouard: just think! it's the first time some of them will touch a trophy in their whole lives!
Ali: can we do it before June 12th?
Matt: sure, how does June 2nd sound?
Andre: I'm free
Yassine: i'll clear my calendar
Edouard: Bobby wants to know if he can come
Edi: uhhh, NO
Ali : i'm with Edi on this one
Ali: tell Bobby that this is a goalkeepers' thing, but I'll see him later at the wedding!
Bart: YO WHAT WEDDING-
(SWEEPERKEEPER has ended the chat.)
Chapter 19: The Transfer Window
Summary:
Everybody wants to hear the Barca Gossip™, plus new dynamics in the union.
Chapter Text
Deano🦅: 🎶I’M FEELIN’ (clap clap) GLAD ALL OVER 🎶
SweeperKeeper: Did you forget your caps lock or what 😒
Yassine: ignore him
Yassine: he’s mad that Marc-Andre’s still captain of Barcelona
Deano🦅: Wow, that is petty
Yassine: PRECISELY
Edi: btw, Yassine, Ali told me to tell you to take care of Darwin or else
Yassine: Don’t worry, he’s only gone and moved in with me 🙄
Yassine: he’s a sweetheart, but he’s already knocked over 2 of my vases
Keylor: oof
Marc-AndreDaGoat: 🤣🤣
SweeperKeeper: You are so pathetically petty and stubborn that I can’t believe it, even from you
SweeperKeeper: That is why I will be coming out of retirement for the next World Cup
SweeperKeeper: Germany needs a good goalie
Bernd: Eh, eh, eh, what about MEEEE?!
SweeperKeeper: sorry, I can’t respect a guy who’s playing at Fulham
Ali: Be glad Harvey’s not a goalkeeper, or he’d be at your location right now
Edi: ALI!!!
Keylor: We missed you 😁 How are you doing?
Ali: …
Ali: I’m working on it
Edouard: We’re happy to see you again, Ali, but please know that nobody’s pressuring you to rejoin 🙏 Feel free to take all the time you need
Matt: Yeah, bro ☹️ I can’t imagine going through what you and your teammates are dealing with right now
Ali: Thank you both, but I think I’m ready to try to join again
Deano🦅: If it makes you feel any better, Ali, I live not too far from where Kweev is now, and I’ve been visiting him every now and then
Ali: You don’t know how much that means to me, Dean 🙂 thank you for doing that
Deano🦅: Of course 👍 the goalkeepers’ union looks out for each other!
Yassine: I second that 🫡 (btw the emoji was Darwin’s idea)
Edi: indeed!!!
Keylor: Of course we do!
SweeperKeeper: same, even if it’s Marc-Andre (but only in serious cases)
Yassine: on the SUBJECT of which, spill the Barca tea!
SweeperKeeper: You weren’t even in the last session, how do you know there’s Barcelona tea?!
Robert’sDude: because it’s ALWAYS us 😑
Marc-AndreDaGoat: WELL, it was a valiant and desperate struggle, but I, Marc-Andre, have gotten his rights and his armband back!
Edi: IDIOT, do I have to spell it out to you??? THEY. DON’T. WANT YOU ANYMORE!!!
Marc-AndreDaGoat: says the guy who’s still hanging around Man. City like an old sock
Edi: EXCUSE YOU, I am much hotter than an old sock
Bart: You should move somewhere where you’re wanted, like Brighton 😉
Deano🦅: or Bournemouth, they’re selling so many players they barely have a team anymore 😂
(MIKE, BENTO, ANDRE, AARON, and GOALKEPA have joined the chat.)
GoalKepa: BARCA GOSSIP!!! SIGN ME UPPP!!!!!
Aaron: FREEEEEEEEDOM IS MIIIIIIIINE, YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL
Mike: We’re doomed
SweeperKeeper: 👆three kinds of people, everyone
Mike: We got humbled by Chelsea, we drew versus a newly promoted team, and our breakfast bar is out of bagels 😱😱😱😱😱
Marc-AndreDaGoat: sucks to be you 😏😏😏
Mike: shut up and be humble, bench dweller
Marc-AndreDaGoat: wait until one of our keepers gets injured and they HAVE to play me
Robert’sDude: I’m right here, you know 😒
Andre: If it makes you feel better, Mike, we’re even more doomed
Mike: why?
Andre: We’re Manchester United
Andre: That inevitably dooms us
Edi: Thank you for your honesty 😌
Edouard: That is why I didn’t go
Mike: No way, Andre, we’re more doomed than you
Mike: We’re about to sign Rasmus from your team on loan 😫
Andre: 🥳🤩🥳🤩🥳🤩🥳🤩🥳🤩🥳🤩🥳🤩 WAHOOOOOOOOOOO
Andre: You can have him FOREVER.. I will NOT miss him
Bernd: 😆😆😆😆😆
Yassine: Well, I’m doomed. I just hurt my finger
Bernd: Oh no 😥 what happened?
Yassine: Let’s just say I was helping Darwin cook (read: ensuring he didn’t burn anything) and I rammed my hand into a hot pan
Edouard: Oof, that must hurt
Yassine: Darwin’s bringing ice packs, so I’ll be okay 🫰
Ali: That’s our Darwin ☺️ so sweet and kind to others
Yassine: never mind, he just tripped over an icepack and fell into a pile of laundry 😬 he’s okay though
Ali: and that’s our Darwin, too 🙄 I miss him 🥺
Aaron: nobody’s interested in hearing my gossip 🙎so rudeeeee
Keylor: Nobody’s interested in hearing ex-Arsenal players
Edi: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! SPILLLL
Aaron: So I went to Newcastle on loan
Marc-AndreDaGoat: Ah yes, Newcastle 😂😂 the one team that’s messier than Barcelona
SweeperKeeper: so glad it isn’t us 😎
SweeperKeeper: btw, Lucho says hi
Ali: Tell him I say hi back, and I miss him
Bento: whyyyyyy does everybody ignore my bento gossip
Bernd: Because the only reason you’re in this chat is that you’re Brazilian and a goalkeeper
Bento: I could say the same about you 😜
Bernd: EXCUSE YOU. I play for a very relevant team
Edouard: don’t go making me laugh 😆 win a Champion’s League first!
Bento: at least I’m not in Saudi Arabia
Edouard: YES YOU ARE
Bento: Oh, right, I am 😑
Yassine: holaaaaaaaa!!!!! 😃😃😃😃😃
Ali: I didn’t know you were learning Spanish, Yassine
Edi: HE PLAYED IN SPAIN, IDIOTA!!!! OF COURSE HE KNOWS SPANISH!
Andre: Actually, I think that’s Darwin
Ali: Hi Darwin!!!! 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗 I miss you so much
Ali: Wait a minute...why are you answering from Yassine’s phone?!
Yassine: Because you already banned me from the GKU 😎, consider this espionage.
Ali: Fede did too good a job teaching you English
Marc-AndreDaGoat: I never thought he’d learn tbh
Yassine: STAY HUMBLE WIG BEARER 😡
Edi: OWWWWWWWWWWW
Armin: LIFE LIHBATEEE AND DA PURSOOT OF APPLINESS
Mama: ignore him
SweeperKeeper: What is this bohemian crap?!
Armin: THAT’S HAMILTON STONE SKIER!!!!!
Marc-AndreDaGoat: look! Another loyal devotee to my cause of despising you, Manu!!!
Mama: look, I'm Giorgi Marmadashvili, and I just came for some socialising with other goalkeepers
Bart: You’re in the right place, then 😄 btw, I love your beard
Mama: Thank you
Bento: OMIGAWWWWWWWD
Mike: 🏳️🌈 gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay
Bart: hey, let's not jump to conclusions now
Mike: okay then
Mike: BI BI BI BI BI BI
Mike: PAN PAN PAN PAN PAN
Mike: STRAIGHT STRAIGHT STRAIGHT (if you're a trans woman)
Mama: WHAT
Bento: XDXDXD I LOVE THIS CHATTTTTT
Mama: I feel like something is happening that I don’t understand
Deano🦅: CLEARLYYYYYY
Bart: I didn’t mean that, I was just saying you have a nice beard
Mike: and I was being open-minded and accepting as possible!
Mama: and I appreciate both things, really :) i'm just saying i wanted a peaceful connection with other keepers
Keylor: Let’s switch the topic
Keylor: So the other day, I hosted Taco Thursday with Eugénie and James
Bernd: Wait, Eugénie le Sommer? As in the ex-Lyon striker?
Keylor: yep! She’s in Mexico now! so is James Rodriguez, btw
Marc-AndreDaGoat: I knew that 😏
SweeperKeeper: No, you didn’t
Bento: Taco Thursday 😋 so jealousssss
Mike: This is exactly what I need to combat the fact that we’re about to buy one of the worst strikers in Europe
Mike: Rasmus makes Darwin look like R9
Yassine: I’m still here, you know 😾
Edi: Where’d Yassine go anyway?
Yassine: I’m in the basement 😏 he’ll NEVER FIND ME
Keylor: ANYWAYS, I’ve got the ground beef in the pan and the avocados chopped for guacamole, and then SERGIO FRICKING RAMOS shows up on my doorstep 🙄
SweeperKeeper: I thought you two used to play together and liked each other???
Keylor: We’ve had our differences over the years 😒
Keylor: Anyway, he said he was just there for the tacos and had driven quite a distance to see me, and then my dumb empathy took over, and I let him come in for tacos
Edouard: I don’t think that’s dumb, just nice
Ali: Yeah, even if I don’t like Sergio because he hurt Mo 😠
Keylor: It’s Sergio Ramos 🙄
Keylor: This guy is on every wanted list on the red side of Madrid
Keylor: things WOULD’VE gone well if Eugénie and Sergio hadn’t kept fighting
Keylor: At one point, they squared up for a fight, and James was just watching and eating tacos like a little imp
Keylor: They WEAPONISED MY GARDEN GNOMES, and Sergio took off his shirt, and eventually Eugénie flipped him off and drove away in her Jeep
Keylor: and then SERGIO
Yassine: NOOOOOOOO
Yassine: I HAVE BEEN LOCATED
Yassine: tIL WE MEET AGA
Mike: 🤦 “he’ll NEVER FIND ME”
Marc-AndreDaGoat: serves him right for hijacking our sacred space
DavidR: The things that go on in here are anything but sacred
Yassine: Finally, I’m back, guys 🙄 I went to put some laundry in the wash, and next thing you know, my phone’s missing and so is Darwin
Ali: That’s our chaos king 😂
Ali: Take care of him, please
Yassine: I will, promise 🤝
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Quackin_Queen on Chapter 13 Tue 01 Oct 2024 04:23AM UTC
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LFCAndalusia23 on Chapter 13 Tue 01 Oct 2024 01:12PM UTC
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magnethelepathy on Chapter 14 Fri 06 Dec 2024 07:34PM UTC
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LFCAndalusia23 on Chapter 14 Sat 07 Dec 2024 09:38PM UTC
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Quackin_Queen on Chapter 14 Sat 07 Dec 2024 05:21AM UTC
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LFCAndalusia23 on Chapter 14 Sat 07 Dec 2024 09:39PM UTC
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chelseayaoi on Chapter 15 Sun 19 Jan 2025 04:36PM UTC
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LFCAndalusia23 on Chapter 15 Sun 19 Jan 2025 09:35PM UTC
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