Chapter Text
Welcome to Air France, nonstop service from Dallas to Paris, France.
Our flight time today is an estimated 9 hours and 2 minutes. Check that your seatbelt is fastened and your chair is in its upright position. We will be taking off shortly.
Stede…?
“Yes?”
Are you prepared for a pleasant flight?
“... Yes.”
What are you thinking about, Stede?
“A boat would have been safer.”
You’re safely in your seat, Stede. What are you thinking about the flight?
“Warm.”
That’s good, Stede.
“Warm like a fireball. Engulfing me. Screaming. I’m screaming. Or someone else is screaming. Maybe we’re both screaming. Everyone is screaming.”
Stede, think of your lake house. Picture it.
“Ok.”
Now think of your mantra. Say it now.
“I love Paris in the springtime. I love Paris in the fall. I don’t though.”
Don’t what, Stede?
“Love Paris. I’ve never been. Maybe it’s a pure delight, but I love places reachable by foot. I’m, at best, ambivalent about Paris. I’m undecided about Paris. I don’t think I want to go. I’m not going to go. I don’t want to go.”
Stede, you can do this.
“It’s unnatural. Flying metal tubes; who thought of this? I hate them. I want to get off. Oh god, I don’t want to die.”
Stede, your lake house...
“My lake house is in TEXAS. Let me off the plane.”
The insistent metallic hum of the plane slowed. Before the door could open, Stede was hammering on it and finally fell through, tumbling down the ramp to the simulator and out into the hangar.
The Straighten Up and Fly Right rep, who was absolutely not afraid of flying, frowned with faux-sympathy.
“I’ll fetch you a refund, Mr Bonnet.”
“So what you’re telling me is-”
Jack cracked open a beer, letting the click-shh of the can fill the space between them. He slurped his first mouthful, not taking his eyes off Stede. “You don’t want to come with me.”
Stede turned his hands out, casting a helpless look at his boyfriend’s sisters and nibling.
“You heard me say it, right? I can’t fly. I really tried.”
Stede followed Jack through to the living room where Jack was reaching for the remote.
Stede sat on the sofa and turned toward Jack, who was shrugging with sulky nonchalance. He reached out, setting a hand on Jack’s knee, rubbing his thumb on the seam of his jeans, willing him to understand.
God, Stede wanted to go. He had lied to the weirdly robotic voice of the flying therapy lady. He had wanted to go to Paris for years and when the opportunity came up to go, just him and Jack, he had loved the idea. While Jack was working, he could wander the streets of Paris, peeping in little bookshops, antique shops and boutiques, stopping for coffee and patisserie. Perhaps he’d take in some art and museums. By evening, he might dress in his favourite suits and eat beautiful cuisine with his love, before strolling back to the hotel. They could make love in the shadow of the Eiffel Tower. He could imagine all of it.
“It’s just a plane. Wash a few ativan down with tequila and you’ll wake up in Paris without a single fuckin’ clue you’ve even been on a flying death tube.” Jack shrugged then raised an eyebrow. “I was going to suggest we join the mile high club though.”
Of course, if it was a plane journey away, there went the idea of picking up a beautiful silver crudite set in a bijou antique shop in Montmartre. Poof went the fantasy of a lamp-lit stroll along the Seine. Au Revoir Notre Dame. Ta-ta Jardin du Luxembourg.
“I just can’t,” Stede sighed.
“Fine. Sure. Just weird that a self-proclaimed fashion nerd doesn’t want to go to gay Paa-ree.”
“Maybe if you stopped calling it gay Paree, dude.” Jack’s nibling Jay looked up from their phone where a tiktok video, that sounded like Alvin and the Chipmunks singing Abba, was repeating. “Maybe Uncle Stede might want to go with you.”
“Thanks Jay but I feel like a broken record here.” Stede was getting frustrated. He could feel a grouchy warm blush at the back of his neck. “ As I said , I actually do want to go with. The point is I can’t .”
“Yeah yeah. No, don’t worry, babe, I hear you loud and clear. You’d rather not go on actual European dream vacation with me.” Jack rolled his eyes and was promptly hit in the back of the head by a satsuma thrown expertly by Anne.
“You’re such a jerk, Jack,” she said. Jack threw a middle finger back at her.
Stede couldn’t help laughing, offering a cursory pat to the back of Jack’s head. He loved Anne. She and her wife Mary were like sisters to him. Their kid Jay was like a cat, soft or vicious depending on the day. They had accepted Stede into their family readily and wholeheartedly.
Often he wondered if, actually, this is what he was trying to get a visa for. A childhood of loneliness with a physically present yet emotionally absent father as his only connection had left him wanting. He’d been hopeful and let down until the age of 18, when he finally saw the old man for the terrible father he was, and struck out by himself, as alone as ever but determined to find joy he’d been denied. And here it was, being healed by the warm embrace of Jack’s family.
Something was missing though. In their little rented apartment, with their regular routine, Stede couldn’t shake the restlessness of a childhood dreamer. What if there was more than this; a more exciting life just out of reach? He wanted to change something . To take their happy life to the next step. A new home that belonged to them. Maybe children? Maybe a new business venture? The answer was out there somewhere. He just needed to grasp it.
But the niggling sensation that their goals were somehow mismatched was driving him to distraction. Jack had a career as a journalist - Stede didn't often tell people it was for Gunz n Dawgs magazine - and seemed perfectly content with his chilled beers and reruns of Two and a Half Men of an evening, his Red Hot Chilli Peppers CD on repeat in a car he called the Passion Wagon . Jack was happy with the perfect amount of limited space in their rental that prevented Stede owning a second wardrobe…
But then they’d been together for five years and you didn’t throw five years away on a niggle. Jack was attractive, funny, confident. He was fantastic in bed. Stede had been instantly smitten by the blue eyed guy with a cheeky smile selling him a Buick. As it happens, it turned out that he’d wound the mileage back and it caught fire halfway to Florida but by that point, they were six months into dating. Perhaps Stede was lonely at the time but Jack had been fun. Unapologetic. Rebellious. Out . Loudly out. The kind of man his father would despise. That carried it's own appeal.
In a curious way, Jack saved Stede at a time when he was absolutely lost in a new country. Now, Jack and his family were familiar and something like home. That was enough.
Wasn’t it?
“Well? What do you think?”
Stede looked expectantly at Jack then at the house. His dream house, in fact. From where Stede had parked, he could just about make out the gentle waves lapping at the pebbled shore beyond the trees. The house stood, toy-like, amongst the redwoods, rendered in charming cobblestone and trimmed in natural wood. From the listing, Stede knew it had a porch that wrapped around two sides, partially on stilts in the water with a jetty further down the shore. A sizeable kitchen in an Italian style, sunset-coloured terracotta and copper fixtures. A large bright master bedroom that looked out over the sparsely populated lake. He could very well picture himself whipping up a batch of oat muffins in that kitchen; waking up luxuriously with a year-round stunning vista; running down the jetty to jump into the cool lake on a hot day; pursued by one or two rosy cheeked children, perhaps, squealing for Daddy to slow down. Maybe. Or he’d just get a rowing boat. It was perfect.
Jack was staring in confusion. “Why are we parked on someone's property?”
Stede perhaps might have left the current occupants out of his dreamy imaginings. They could occasionally be seen as shadows in the kitchen as they pottered around making their dinner. Jack probably wanted dinner. Stede was supposed to be on his way to Taco Bell.
“They’re selling,” Stede said, finding Jack’s hand and squeezing. “So I’m going to buy it. For us. There are four bedrooms for Mary and Anne to stay in if they want to and… little people to live, maybe.”
“Ha.” Jack looked to Stedes face for clarity and found no joke there. His smile dropped. “You can’t be fucking serious. This is all of $800k. You got cut out the Bonnet fortune the day you decided to suck cock openly.”
Stede frowned, disliking Jack’s tone. But he supposed this was a bit of subterfuge and Jack may have been shocked. He owed an explanation.
“Lovely way of wording finally living my truth, Jack. Father cut me off, but I’ve been saving every month since I was 15. We’ve got $344000 to play with. In ten years, the mortgage will be paid off with our wages.”
Stede looked back to the house, sighing dreamily. “What do you think?”
“My whole life is just, whoosh, flashing before my eyes,” Jack said softly. “We were coming out for tacos and now you’ve got me married with kids in a lake house.”
Stede nodded. “I shouldn’t have ambushed you. I’m sorry. Let’s-“ Stede looked helplessly at the house, the soft focus dreaminess gone. “Let’s get tacos.”
Stede turned back to the wheel and started the car with unwelcome tears pricking at his eyes. Jack sighed somewhat apologetically, cupped his face and kissed him gently. “It’s a beautiful house. Let’s view it when I get back from France.”
Stede submerged himself in the bathtub. The bubbles were high and fluffy and floral scented. Underwater, the sound of Satie’s Gnossiennes was distorted pleasantly, going straight to a happy calm place in Stede's mind. Jack hated Stede’s love for classical music and the scent of lavender frilly baths, so Stede took Jack’s bi-monthly business trips as his cue to indulge. He re-emerged, sopping wet, pushing the bubbles out of his eyes. He’d kissed Jack goodbye three days before, apologising again for not being able to travel with him. The bed felt big but the space was nice. Dinner was quiet but full of the food Stede loved to eat.
He’d survive this seperation. He might even enjoy it and then, when Jack came back, he’d be refreshed, ready to start laying down some foundations.
His phone vibrated on the windowsill. Drying his hands off, he reached for it.
Oh my god what an asshole xoxo
Jay. Not unusual for them to be texting him but a weird message. Stede frowned and typed back.
Is everything ok?
He waited, watching the little dots indicating Jay typing back to him. Some little asshole at school treating them badly, maybe, or knowing Jay, another stand up argument with a teacher. Then another message, from Mary this time.
I’m going to kill him.
What was happening? Stede mentally calculated the time difference. 5pm in Texas so midnight in Paris.
Another message from Jay then: he hasn’t called you? Omg
Then his phone began to ring. Jack’s contact picture was him posing in speedos in Cabo, double-fisting vivid orange cocktails.
“Jack? It’s so late there.”
“Yeah. Yeah midnight. I needed to call you though.”
He sounded drunk. Very drunk.
"Aww. Missing me?" Stede chuckled. "I'm in the bath. All sudsy."
"Shit, that's hot."
"Could be if you wanted." Stede moved his legs, letting the sound of water suggest his nakedness.
"Stede, I gotta tell you something." He sighed heavily. "Man, I'm in love."
Stede laughed. "I should hope so after five years. How much have you had?"
"I fucked up.”
Stede almost wanted to check he hadn’t accidentally turned the cold tap on for the ice that ran through him. His smile dropped.
“He's called Mateo. I met him just after I checked in. He’s like… like fucking heaven. I feel like I could do anything.”
Jack’s voice became a buzz in Stede's ear. He had to forcibly shake his head to bring himself back to the moment.
"Sorry, what? "
"I've never felt like this. He's like… like sunshine. Like a supernova. Like looking into the face of God. And then God sucks your soul out through your cock."
"What the fuck are you talking about? You're in love with a man called Mateo? He… he sucked your- who is Mateo ?"
The messages. It clicked then. Jack hadn’t even told him first. He told his sisters. He told Jay. Then deigned to call Stede.
"He's the one, Stede. I’m never coming back."
Stede let that bombshell ring in the silence. Then he clicked the phone off. He stared at it in his hand for a second then, as if burnt, skimmed it away, sending it skittering across the floor where it collided with the sink.
Jack was cheating on him with a man he just met called Mateo. Jack was cheating on him. Jack was cheating on him.
Stede sat in the bath until it went cold and his fingers wrinkled. He didn’t cry. He was simply silent, astonished and alone. Again.
In the corner his phone vibrated over and over, screen lighting up with each new frantic message from his family.
Well. Not his family any more, he supposed. Jack's family. Never his.
"I can't really believe it," Jay said at their mother's side. "You're not going to be my uncle anymore."
Anne tapped Jay's arm sternly. They were at the security gates of Dallas airport and Stede couldn't seem to move towards the check in, such was the overwhelming fear of the flight to come and what he might find if he actually managed to take said flight. Stede set his jaw, reaching out for them and pulling them into a hug.
Last night had been unusual. When he finally emerged from the bath, he had turned Gymnopedie to a volume that served neither Satie nor Stede's eardrums. He pulled his silk hot pink robe around himself, the one Jack hated, and went to the kitchen to make the warm cinnamon milk Jack mocked him for and turned on Pride and Prejudice (2005 obviously) because Jack despised period dramas. And for three hours before reality sunk in again, Stede felt a freeing fuck you in his chest.
"I still think he might have been really really drunk," Anne whispered into Stede's ear, her sisterly good will in action.
For the first time, Stede bristled at Anne's words. The stresses of her brother being a prize douchebag were clearly taking the toll because he'd never felt like she was talking nonsense before. And that's ok, is it? he thought. To make up an affair?
Besides, Stede knew what Anne didn't know, shielded by the boundaries of sibling disclosure as she was – Jack had this in him because Jack could be a total asshole . It felt somehow completely unexpected yet perfectly in character. But five years was a long time. He felt Jack deserved the benefit of the doubt.
"I'm going to find out what the hell is going on," Stede said.