Chapter Text
Jane chewed on the corner of her thumbnail as the elevator descended, her head hurting from thinking so damn much. When the doors parted on the bottom floor, she released a sigh that would have made a condemned man proud.
Reluctantly pushing off the back wall, Jane stepped off the elevator, managing meager smiles for Maura’s friendly but focused staff as they passed. She could smell the chemicals used to preserve and study the dead along with the slightly floral scent of air fresheners used to mask them. Over the years, the odd mix had become familiar and almost welcome, symbolic in some strange way of Maura, but today they made Jane slightly nauseous.
Maura was in autopsy, her head down as she carefully sewed up what she had cut open. Jane smiled sadly as she thought about the many contradictions that made up her best friend. She knew of no one more methodical than Maura Isles. That’s why the medical examiner’s devilish humor and occasional fits of spontaneity always caught her off guard and charmed her to her toes.
Jane swallowed at the thought, realizing it for the truth. For someone who detested most casual physical contact, she could never seem to keep her hands off Maura. Everyone else in her life had seen it, but she’d been oblivious to what was right in front of her.
“And you call yourself a detective,” she said under her breath.
As if she’d heard the rebuke, Maura straightened and turned, going still when she saw Jane hesitating behind the glass. Jane held her breath, waiting to see if she’d be turned away or welcomed back. Maura’s gaze searched Jane’s features but her own revealed nothing.
After a long moment of uncertainty, the doctor snapped off her latex gloves and dipped her head in the direction of her office. Jane let out the breath she’d been holding, watching it fog the glass as she swayed in place with relief.
Maura kept her waiting for another ten minutes before appearing, shrugging out of her lab coat as she entered. The ridiculous heels she liked to wear set off the firm lines of her legs, and Jane’s gaze followed the path up to the hem of her skirt before skittering higher, taking in her best friend in a way she never had before. When she felt heat settle low in her stomach, Jane knew Friday night hadn’t been a fluke.
“Hi.” Jane retreated toward the door, leaning as casually as she could against the frame as Maura sat at her desk.
“I didn’t think I’d see you again until it was over a dead body.” Maura leaned back and watched her, her features still betraying nothing about what she was thinking.
Jane grimaced. “Look… I know things are… awkward…”
“They don’t have to be,” Maura cut her off briskly but Jane heard the first quiver in her best friend’s voice. “We’ll just forget Friday night ever happened.”
Maura wouldn’t meet her gaze now, and Jane felt something freefall in her stomach. “Is that what you want?”
“Isn’t that what you want?”
Jane opened her mouth to reply only to close it a moment later. She’d thought she’d finally come to a decision, but now that she was faced with going through with it, she was no longer sure. “I’m… I don’t know.”
Maura looked at her in surprise. “You don’t know?”
Shrugging, Jane came a little closer. “I… “ She paused, pinching the bridge of her nose and willing her brain to come up with the right words. “This whole thing… blindsided me, Maura.”
Releasing a sigh of her own, Maura sank back in her chair. “I shouldn’t have… pushed things. I don’t always consider the consequences.” She gave Jane an apologetic half smile that made the detective’s heart feel like it was fracturing in two.
“You don’t have to apologize.”
“Then why does it feel like I do?” Maura laced her fingers and set them on her desk, staring at her hands intently.
Jane swallowed. “Maura… really… you don’t owe me an apology.”
“I tried to seduce you.”
The air went out of the room. Jane realized she’d drifted even closer to Maura when she reached out and caught the edge of Maura’s desk, going lightheaded at the declaration. “You planned for things to end the way they did?”
Maura shook her head, her gold hair shimmering to Jane’s eyes as it swayed. “Not… not exactly.” Pursuing her lips, Maura slowly met Jane’s gaze again. “But I considered the possibility when I suggested the idea of a date.”
“You told me once that you didn’t want to sleep with me.” Jane wasn’t sure if she should be confused, angry, or thrilled.
Looking away, Maura shrugged uncomfortably. “Feelings change, Jane. They evolve. Sometimes morphing into something we least expect.”
Jane couldn’t argue with that. “I know that you’re… more… casual,” Jane winced, hoping the word wasn’t insulting, “about sex, Maura.” Her best friend looked at her again, her features once more unreadable. “It’s just… I’m not.” Jane waved a hand at herself. “I don’t do one-night stands as a general rule. When I go to bed with someone it’s about more than… the physical act.”
“I know that.” Maura’s voice was tight but determined. “I just lost sight of that particular truth about you for a moment. It won’t happen again.”
If there were any lingering doubts about whether Jane had romantic feelings for her best friend, they evaporated when Jane watched Maura try to inconspicuously wipe away an errant tear. “Maura…”
“It’s fine, Jane. Things will be uncomfortable between us for a short while, but I’m confident that we’ll work past it eventually.” Maura’s tone had turned professional once more.
“Maura,” Jane said again. “Will you stop? I came here to talk this out with you.”
“You came here to let me down easy. I’m not a fool, Jane.”
Maura wasn’t looking at her again. Jane knew her friend had to be incredibly upset to avoid eye contact this much. Maura was nothing if not direct. It was that trait that had gotten them into this mess. Still, Jane couldn’t help but bristle. It drove her crazy when Maura assumed the worst of her. “You don’t know everything, Doctor.”
Clearly picking up on Jane’s tone, Maura let a little of her frustration and hurt emerge in her voice. “You ran off into the middle of the night.”
“I didn’t run off,” Jane huffed with exaggeration, trying to keep the growing tension between them at a manageable level. “I… drove. On a motorcycle no less.”
Maura tilted her head, less than amused with Jane’s attempt at humor.
“Fine. I ran off into the night.”
“Like a coward.”
Jane’s jaw tightened and clenched. Her first response was an angry one, and she knew that would only make things worse. “That’s not why I left.”
Maura crossed her arms. “I can understand that you didn’t want to have sex with me, but I would have thought you’d at least have the courtesy to come inside and tell me you were leaving. I thought I deserved that much.”
“I should have,” Jane said. “But I didn’t run because I was afraid.”
“Jane…”
“Maura.” Jane swallowed her frustration, knowing that if the roles were reversed she’d be pissed too. She bit the proverbial bullet, finally coming to say what she’d wanted to say all weekend. “I left because… because it may have just been sex to you… but it would have meant more than that to me.”
Maura blinked. “Jane…” she said again, the anger in her voice replaced by a breathlessness that did funny things to Jane’s insides.
“You’re my best friend… I love you.” Jane swallowed again, annoyed to feel the burn of tears. “I was just… overwhelmed and confused… and as much as I wanted…” She paused, drawing in a breath that almost hurt as Maura looked up at her in surprise. “I wasn’t ready to risk this…” she motioned between them, “until I knew where my head was… where was heart was.”
Feeling exposed and vulnerable at the admission, Jane backed toward the door. “It may have just been sex to you,” she repeated, “but I could never go to bed with you without it meaning… everything.” The last word came out in a hoarse whisper.
“Jane, wait…” Maura started to rise.
“I gotta go.” Jane couldn’t stand the disbelief she could see in Maura’s eyes. Without another word, she turned on her heel and left, trying her best not to run for the elevator. At least she’d said what she wanted to. Almost.
She hadn’t had the courage to ask Maura for a second date.
TBC