Chapter Text
The knot in his stomach is still there when he wakes up. Apparently he managed to fall asleep sometime during the early hours of the morning even if he has no idea how or when it happened. It must have been from pure exhaustion, with puffy eyes, red from the tears and with that heavy weight in his heart, scraping at his chest from the inside.
He knows where he is even if his head feels foggy and he is nowhere close to being fully awake yet. The familiar sensation from the bedsheets that has been washed maybe too many times, all the lumps in the mattress he’s been sleeping on for years, ever since he was a child, the general familiar sensation of being home. Even if waking up in this room, in this bed happens less often nowadays.
He has started to come to the realization that the concept of home is not as much a specific place like he has always thought of it, and that it is more a concept of being in the presence of a person. A special someone. His someone.
Don’t get him wrong. This place, this house, will always be his home in a sense. It will always have his mother, hold memories from his childhood, and he’ll always feel safe and loved here.
And he’s spent a part of his summer break in a place where he should have felt nothing at home, in a room in a palace almost bigger than this entire house, in a bed where he could stretch out to his fullest and still not feel the edge in any direction, with bedsheets almost brand new, with a mattress with no lumps like his own. Everything about it as far from what he has always considered to be home as it possibly could be.
And even though it shouldn’t, that place sometimes felt more at home than the house he’s lived in most of his life. And all because of his someone, who had been by his side all that time in the palace, making him feel at home, making him feel like he was exactly where he should be, making him feel completely right.
His heart aches when he thinks that right now, he is in the right place, but that it still feels so wrong. He’s alone and even though the bed he’s lying in is small, it still feels far too big for him, only him. The pain in his chest is impossible to get rid of without another body pressing against his own.
Not just any body of course, Wilhelm’s body.
Simon has slept alone in his bed several times since they got back together, He still has his own life after all, so does Wilhelm. And even if they want to spend as much of their time and lives together as they can, Simon still tries to be home and hang out with his mum as often as he can.
But this time it’s different. He’s never spent the night alone in his bed after a… fight? Argument? He can’t really figure out in his drowsy head exactly what you should call what happened last night. But it doesn’t feel good, not at all.
A wash of worry flows through him when he turns around in the small bed, from lying on his back to lying on his side and with one arm tucked underneath him. He stares into the dark room, the orange light from the fish tank the only thing making it possible for him to discern the outlines of his bedroom. He has no idea what time it is, but it doesn’t feel like he’s been asleep for very long, so he concludes that it must still be morning. The curtains are closed against his window, as they always are nowadays, which gives him no guidance to whether the autumn sun has risen yet or not. He could just look at his phone, but it’s still in his jeans pocket, too far to reach without getting up, and if he looks at his phone, he will risk looking at a message from Wilhelm.
Or worse, looking at an empty screen and not looking at a message from Wilhelm.
A huge part of him wants Wilhelm here with him. That part of Simon wants to hug and kiss him, hold him close and tell him that everything is fine, they’re fine, that yesterday didn’t mean anything and that they should just go on with their lives.
But he can’t. Because it did.
He doesn’t want to be petty, but it does feel a little bit good, or at least simpler, than being the first one to reach out to apologize and forgive.
He is going to do that, but not right now, it still feels too fresh, he still feels too hurt.
He knows Wilhelm is hurt too, they both said things the other one didn’t want to hear, spending the last part of the night peppering each other with truth-bombs. Knowing that he said things that made Wilhelm sad hurts almost as much as the things Wilhelm said to him too.
He sighs heavily and rubs his palms against his sleep drunk eyes. The hint of a headache just underneath them. All the muscles in his body feels worn down, and his bones must somehow have turned into lead while he was sleeping because they have become too heavy for his arms or legs to lift. It feels impossible to do anything else but to stay in bed all day and do nothing, just lie here and stare into the darkness, let himself wallow in self-pity and stubbornness. At the same time his heart and mind can’t stand another second not doing anything, every fiber of them demanding to set things right with Wilhelm again.
He hears some shuffle from the room next to his bedroom. His mum must be up, or maybe it’s Sara. He can’t really stand facing either of them right now. He knows it would be impossible to hide his emotions from any of them and he is not ready to share anything yet. His mother is still wary of the whole situation. The situation of course referring to his relationship. And Simon understands her, he really does because he’s been having all of the same thoughts too, and she doesn’t have the shimmering filter of love in front of her eyes. At least not in the same way Simon does. There really is no right way to get used to the fact that your son is dating the future king of Sweden, or to handle everything that comes with that exact fact.
And things have been hectical lately to put it mildly.
He was so relieved thinking that they are through the worst but the argument with Wilhelm yesterday really made him question everything again. To be honest, he doesn’t know how much of the craziness he can take. From the royal court, from the school, from everybody in Sweden and even internationally who suddenly got an opinion on everything he does, everything they do. And it is already tough and when it is at its worst, he wonders how long he is going to be able to take it.
Without falling apart, without crumble.
Always, he tells himself. For Wilhelm. If he can have Wilhelm, he can keep it together and take it all always, forever.
But not like this. Not when they’re fighting, not when they wake up in different beds and don’t talk to each other. Not when Wilhelm acts like this, when he has so little faith in them, in him. Not when Simon acts like this. And damn, it feels so, so, so, wrong, and he loves Wilhelm so, so, so much. And yeah, he has to fix this because the guilt and remorse and anxiety will just crush him if he doesn’t.
They just have to talk to each other, sort out their minds and emotions, really listen and understand what the other one is saying. Be honest. It’s what they always do when they argue. They don’t agree on everything, have different opinions on a lot of things, but as long as they understand where the other one is coming from, they can live with that and not make a big deal out of it.
But you’ve never had an argument this big before, an unwelcome malicious voice in his head contributes. It has never been this close before. He decides to ignore it and instead gets up to fetch his phone from the jeans on the floor. He quickly gets back under the nice, warm covers in his bed and lets his head fall back on the pillow before putting the phone in front of him.
There are no notifications, no messages or missed calls on it. A wave of disappointment washed through him. Wilhelm is always the one to reach out first when they’ve had a fall out, Wilhelm had never been slow-witted before, and Simon has always found it endearing that his boyfriend just can’t stand them being on no speaking terms with each other, always craving Simon’s attention, always wanting to be in Simon’s good grace no matter what’s happened between them, no matter who’s fault it really has been. And that has always suited Simon, because he knows he is stubborn, knows he holds on to things for too long. But Wilhelm has always let him, has always apologized, and made it right between them no matter who’s fault it has really been, even when it clearly has been Simon’s.
But apparently not this time, and a worry rooted all the way down to his very core overtakes him.
This is serious.
Luckily for him, there is a reasonable voice in his head as well and it tells him that he shouldn’t worry all too much. With his phone right in front of him he can state the time is not even eight in the morning, and Wilhelm is probably sleeping heavily, still affected from the alcohol from the night before. Simon makes a quick estimate that they parted around 2 or 3 in the night, which means it has only been about five or six hours since they last saw each other. It feels like a lifetime. But no wonder Wilhelm hasn’t reached out to him yet, despite him promising to do so the minute he wakes up.
But it doesn’t help Simon to dispel the clouds of worry hovering over his head. Shouldn’t Wilhelm at least have sent a text good night? A text saying that he got to his room alright?
But at the same time, Simon hadn’t done that either, and he realizes the thin line of showing love and support and being too clingy has just never been anything Simon's had to consider before.
He can’t help but feel guilty. Has he been taken Wilhelm for granted all this time? Has Simon just expected Wilhelm's benevolence and his willingness to forgive and forget? Has he been wrong to always count on his boyfriend to come to him to apologize and make things right between them even the times when it obviously hadn’t been him who was to blame for their arguing? Had Wilhelm really been as unaffected as he had always given the appearance of when Simon was being ridiculous and refused to admit he was being wrong, not even once?
Simon had always seen it as some sort of play or game, where he might have exaggerated and maybe sort of have had the tendency to be a drama queen, just to make Wilhelm doing everything in his power to make it up to him. He had always assumed Wilhelm had been in on it too, because even if he too could act offended from time to time over Simon’s dramatics, Simon had always been sure they had both always been on the same page. They argue, Wilhelm apologizes, they cuddle.
Maybe he’s been wrong. And it feels… wrecking.
He opens the ongoing chat he has with Wilhelm, saved under “Wille” and a bright purple heart and a picture of them he took during the summer, when they were chilling at the royal family’s summer house on Öland. The picture is a selfie of the two of them, where Simon is looking into the camera and Wilhelm is kissing his cheek, his arms holding Simon and his eyes closed.
For some reason, looking at that picture makes it burn behind his eyelids again and his vision gets blurry for a second. The worry that has been floating around freely in his body comes together and gathers in his chest, big and ugly and pierces him down to the mattress, making him immovable.
The picture manifests everything that has been wrong with their relationship the entire time. Wilhelm being the wonderful and giving boyfriend, doing anything for Simon, and Simon in return just assuming he will always be there to do exactly that. Of course Wilhelm would get tired of it at some point. Of course Wilhelm would get tired of him at some point.
You are being ridiculous again, the sane voice in his head tells him. Just because your boyfriend doesn’t text you in 5 hours doesn’t mean he wants to break up with you or that your relationship has been fake all this time.
He quickly types:
Good morning, can we please talk?
To the chat and adds a red heart at the end of the sentence before he presses send. He watches it latch itself onto the dashboard, but the symbol never changes from sent to received. And that is a bit… strange. Wilhelm never turns off his phone, literally having some agreement with his mother that she (and a lot of other people) must be able to reach him at all times. But the battery is probably dead, he remembers Wilhelm mention it being low sometime during the night and he was probably too out of it to put in the charger when he got to his room.
But it is still a bit worrying, and he can’t shake the feeling off that maybe Wilhelm has turned off his phone on purpose, so he doesn’t have to see any messengers from Simon.
Just to be sure, he quickly presses the phone symbol on the screen and then on Wilhelm’s number and lastly “call”. He puts the phone up and his hand is slightly shaking from nerves when he holds it to his ear. To no surprise an impersonal voice tells him that this number can be reached right now and please try again later.
That clench is back around his heart. Wilhelm’s words from the night before ring in his head:
“Are we idiots? Am I an idiot for thinking this will actually work out? Am I an idiot for thinking you can be happy with me?”
And then there is that other thing as well, the thing he tries to push back as far away as possible but that persistently comes back to him. The horrid images of Wilhelm walking away from him, into the dark night, all alone.
Desperation washes over Simon where he lays and before he has the time to regret it, he sends another message:
please call me when you see this.
It doesn’t get through either, just sits on Simon’s phone screen, mocking him. He quickly sends another one.
I just need to know that you’re alright.
and adds an
I love you.
as well, because he desperately needs Wilhelm to know that. And he feels an anger wash over him, pointed at Wilhelm, completely underserved of course, but how can he sleep when Simon is freaking out like this?
Is there someone else he can call? Maybe someone at Forest Ridge? But who? And what could he possibly say? Ask a grumpy hungover classmate if they could please go knocking on Wilhelm’s door just to see if he is okay? Simon could possibly be beheaded for that, and by the way the chance of anybody even picking up their phone at this hour seems very unlikely.
But maybe he could give Malin a call? He really could, but he doesn’t have a number to her or anyone else in Wilhelm’s security team.
Despite the immediate panic Simon can’t help but also feel a little ridiculous at his own reaction. He curses himself, because hasn’t he promised himself a long time ago that no boy would ever get to make him feel like this?
He stares at the messages for a long time, waiting for them to transmit from his screen to Wilhelm’s. They don’t and Simon thinks he will for sure lose his mind if he keeps looking at it. Is he desperate enough to take his bike and ride all the way to Hillerska, so he can knock on his boyfriend’s window, wake him up and yell at him for not responding to his texts minutes after they have been sent just because Simon’s thoughts are spiraling, and he desperately just needs a hug and know that everything is alright?
The truth is yes. But that would also have been extremely ridiculous. Well, he has a tendency to act ridiculous from time to time, and he has no problem with that, especially if it could calm him down and get the situation under control. But it might actually also be a stretch a bit too far and could possibly make things worse between them, also considering Wilhelm’s wish last night.
Wilhelm is sleeping, just sleeping.
It has just never occurred to Simon that his clingy, attention wanting, touch starved, love thirsty boyfriend needs space for himself sometimes. Especially after a night like yesterday.
He lets go of his phone for now, drops it somewhere on his bed close to the wall. He needs to pull himself together. If Wilhelm wants space, that’s what he’ll get, Simon will wait for him and talk when he is ready. It’s the least he can do for him after how accommodating he has always been to Simon, giving him space when he has needed it.
When Wilhelm turns on his phone, he will see Simon’s attempts to reach out and decide if he wants to talk or not. And he will, they will work through this, because there is no other option, they will be okay, they have to be.
Considering the few hours of sleep he’s gotten he probably should seize the opportunity to sleep in. But he is way too anxious to stay in bed no matter how tired he feels and how much his body screams at him to try to get some more rest. So, he gets up, shuffle around in the dark bedroom, searches for some clothes, finds the sweatpants he wore yesterday before he changed to go to the party, and puts his purple hoodie over his t-shirt. A brief moment of panic overtakes him when he realizes he might have his phone on silent, and therefore not being able to know the second Wilhelm replies to him. He throws himself on the bed again and glances at the screen. It is muted, and he puts the sound on, but the messages still haven’t left his phone.
He notices the symbol for the battery level being red and he reluctantly puts the phone on his nightstand and puts in the cord for the charger. The phone vibrates on the wood and Simon would rather have it with him in his pocket but he also can’t risk it running out of battery so he just prays that he will hear the notifications from the kitchen where he plans to have some breakfast. No need to panic on an empty stomach after all.
The bright light from the kitchen lamp blinds him for a moment when he exits his bedroom, it’s a huge contrast to the dimness of his own room. He finds his mother standing by the coffeemaker and she looks up at him when he enters.
“Good morning, Simon. I didn’t think you’d come home last night, is everything alright?”
She sends him a look of concern before turning back to the machine, pushing buttons and shaking it slightly. Simon stops in his track. He doesn’t want to lie to his mother, but he really doesn’t want to talk about it either.
“I… changed my mind”, he decides to say and walks up to her. “I hope I didn’t wake you when I got home, it got a bit late.”
“It’s alright, you didn’t wake me”, she opens her arms for him when he comes close and he quickly falls into them, giving her a hug and a kiss on her cheek.
“I thought you were going to stay with Wilhelm, is he alright?” she continues and lets go of him.
He doesn’t know what to say to that.
“Do you need help with that?” he gestures at the coffeemaker, an attempt to make her think of something else. The machine has been causing some trouble lately, extremely infuriating when all of the residents in this house just want their morning coffee. She seems however see what he is doing and is not in on it.
“Did something happen? How did you get home?”
An exhaustion he didn’t know existed in him suddenly makes itself fully known and he again acknowledges the tears gathering right behind his eyelids.
“Please mum, I don’t want to talk about it.”
Her worried gaze pierces him while he fiddles with the machine, rearranging the cord, putting it off and on again. Nothing happens.
Linda hums her characteristic hum and strokes him over his arm affectionately. He doesn’t want to shut her out, but he can’t talk about it yet either. He doesn’t want to upset or worry her, and besides, everything will be fine, as soon as Wilhelm turns on his phone and calls him back.
He suddenly wants to scream out in frustration, both at the damn coffeemaker, but also at the possibility that he might have screwed up his relationship. His mother seems to sense his tenseness.
“Mi amore, sit down and I will make you some breakfast? Yes?”
He almost lashes out, almost yells at her that he can make his own damn breakfast. But luckily, he stops himself before he does. Instead, he lets out a giant sigh, feels how his shoulder fall back a bit.
“Yes, thank you.” He tries a smile towards her. She gives him one back, a genuine one, unlike his own.
He quickly makes a short visit to his bedroom, takes a look on his phone screen, which is still empty, before returning to the kitchen where he sits down at the table. His mother has made a sandwich for him and poured him a glass of juice. He quickly takes a bite of the bread, but it grows in his mouth, making it impossible to swallow. He hears a door open behind him.
He doesn’t turn around to look at her when she comes out, but their mother utters a cheery “good morning, Sara” and the words are being followed by the sound of a couple of steps before they stop again behind him.
“What are you doing home?”
He swiftly turns his head and gives her a dead glare.
“Nice to see you too.”
He turns back and makes a second attempt with his breakfast. She soon stands beside him by the table.
“No, I…” she stops but he can feel her eyes on him. What is it with everybody today? Why can’t they just leave him alone?
“I thought you would stay at Hillerska. You know after the…”
She doesn’t finish the sentence and they both glance at their mother. They don’t want to say the word “party” in front of her. She would definitely not like that. But she is busy making another attempt with the coffeemaker, and it seems as she’s succeeded, because the familiar sound of coffee being brewed fills the kitchen.
Of course, Sara knows about the party, she goes to the school where it was being held after all. She was probably also the only student not being present at it.
“Well, apparently I’m here instead.” He knows he sounds rude, but he’s having difficulties disguising his emotions this morning. And besides, he hasn’t really been friendly with Sara lately, barley tolerating her presence at all, and only just being able to speak to her again, so she is really pushing it with all her questions.
She looks like she wants to ask him something more, but luckily, she refrains. She sits down on a chair on the opposite side from him, and they eat their breakfast in silence. She keeps sending him weird looks and he does his best to dodge them. Linda joins them as well, but she has become so used to the cold atmosphere between her children that she doesn’t seem too bothered about it anymore.
He knows they are hurting her by way they are acting towards each other. But every time he looks at Sara, he still got the same overwhelming sensation of betrayal, and he just can’t right now. He knows it has been going on for a long time, over half a year, but it still feels too much, he still feels too hurt.
He glances at the big analog clock on the wall and debates with himself how early he can come knocking on Wilhelm’s window. Maybe he can even get his mum to drive him to Hillerska, maybe he can say that he has forgotten something there or having to do last minute homework with Wilhelm.
It’s reaching nine o’clock and breakfast should be at full swing at Hillerska, Wilhelm should get up in any minute now to get some. And if he doesn’t, Malin or one of his other bodyguards would surely wake him up to make sure he doesn’t miss it. Simon decides to ask his mother if she can take him in half an hour.
But before he even has a chance to open his mouth, his phone rings.
He has never sprinted so fast from the kitchen to his bedroom before, both Linda and Sara looking after him with question marks on their faces. When he picks up the phone from the bedside table, he almost rips the chord apart, but he doesn’t care. To both his disappointment and confusion, it’s not Wilhelm’s number on the display, but a hidden one. He quickly presses the green button and puts the phone to his ear with a slight shake on his hand.
“H..hello?”
A female voice answers him, a voice he recognizes.
“Hello, Simon? Is that you? This is Malin.”
“Yes, hi Malin.” The shake is visible in his voice as well, he realizes. Why is Malin calling him? Has something happened to Wilhelm?
“Simon, please, this is very important, is Wilhelm with you?”
The panic he has been pushing down all morning makes itself fully clear again, almost clogging his throat completely.
“No... No, what do you mean? Is he not at Hillerska?”
“Simon, when was the last time you saw him? Please you must be honest with me now.”
Like he could ever be anything but honest in a situation like this. His head feels foggy when he once again tries to remember back to the night before.
“uhm, last night, late, I think it was 2 or 3 in the morning.”
“And where was that?”
He hesitates before he answers, because this is not good, he can feel the panic spreading through every cell in his body.
“Here in Bjärstad.” He manages to get out in a shaky whisper.
Malin lets out a variety of swearwords on the other side. He doesn’t think they are aimed at him because it sounds like she is holding the phone away from her mouth when she says them, but they might as well be. He could really swear at himself right now as well. She says some more things to someone else in the background, Simon can’t make out what or to who or if the person answers her, but she is soon back with him again.
“Okay Simon, stay where you are. We’re coming.”
She ends the call immediately and Simon doesn’t know what to do with himself. What the hell does she mean with Wilhelm not being at Hillerska? Where else could he possibly be? Nothing serious can have happened, right? Right? He isn’t…?
Simon can’t even think the whole sentence, of course Wilhelm is alright, he has to be.
Simon’s brain is trying to come up with a logical explanation. Wilhelm was pretty upset when they parted last night, instead of going to his bedroom maybe he decided to talk with a good friend? He must for sure be in Felice’s room, she must have sneaked him in there in the dead of night and Malin must know about it because she took him back to Hillerska after they…
Oh god oh god oh god, this can’t be happening. If Malin doesn’t know Wilhelm was in Bjärstad in the middle of the night, then Wilhelm can’t have kept his promise to call her after he walked away. But where the fuck could he else be?
He stumbles out to the kitchen with a deaf grip on his phone. Both his mother and Sara can instantly see that something is wrong, they must be able to tell from his face because they are by his side in a second.
“Simon? What is wrong? Who was that?”
Simon opens his mouth by no words come out. He looks at his mother’s worried face, doesn’t know what to say because he doesn’t know what is going on, feels like he is stuck in some kind of dream, some kind of nightmare.
“Was it Wilhelm?”
“N…no, it was Malin... They don’t know… they can’t find him.” He stutters out and the tears are so close now his vision gets blurry.
“Can’t find who? Wilhelm?”
All he can do is nod and he is immediately being retracted into a warm embrace by Linda. He closes his eyes and puts his face into her neck, wanting to be a small child again, wanting to be comforted by his mother and let her solve all his problems for him. He can’t hold back the tears from shock and worry and they now flow freely down his cheeks. He thinks he feels Sara’s hand on one of his shoulders, but he isn’t sure.
“They are coming here” he manages to get out between the sobs because he thinks he needs to give them a heads up. He has no idea who “they” are, or how many of them it will be, but it feels absolutely crucial that his mother has that information.
For a second he thinks she might be mad at him, for causing such inconvenience for them all. But of course she isn’t, she just hugs him tighter.
A buzz from his phone makes him look up and he reads a text from Felice through the tears.
Do you have any idea what’s going on? The school is crowded with polices and everybody had to leave their rooms, and nobody seems to know where Wille is.
He doesn’t even get a chance to replay before another one comes through.
Simon, what the hell is happening? Where is Wille???
He wants to write back to her that Wille is right here with him, that he is safe and that she doesn’t have to worry. But obviously he can’t. He leaves Felice’s messengers on read when a sudden need to do something washes over him.
“I need to go out. I need to find him.”
He makes a try to get away from his mother, but she holds onto him in her grasp.
“Mi amore, I really think we should wait for Malin to get here.”
“I can’t just wait, what if something has happened? What if Wille is hurt? I can’t just wait…”
He tries to get away from her now, pulling and twisting and can’t she see he is panicking? But she doesn’t let go of him.
“Please mum, let me go, I have to get out and find him, I have to…”
With one final tug he finally gets free, but when he does, he turns and gets a glimpse of his mother’s face, and she looks absolutely devastated and it makes him forget all about his plans and just finds himself frozen to the floor instead. An episode of dizziness flashes past him and it momentarily gets all black in front of his eyes.
“Simon, please wait here, Malin should get here soon, you need to tell her everything you know, and then they can search for him. Please.”
He wants to cry. Again. He just wants to fall down to the floor and weep and lay there until all of this is over, until they’ve found him, and Wilhelm is safe in his arms and Simon can yell at him for scaring him like this.
His mother’s hand is on his arm again, and she leads him to sit down on a chair by the kitchen table. But when he looks up at her, it’s not his mother, it’s Sara.
“You look like you’re going to pass out, please sit down.”
He doesn’t have any energy to fight her and doesn’t really want to either. If he was to be reasonable and really think about it, he supposes it would make sense for him to wait for Malin and whatever other people she would bring with her. But he isn’t reasonable, he just wants to find his boyfriend and for him to be alright.
Wilhelm has clearly just passed out somewhere from the alcohol. He is fine, they just need to find him.
Simon doesn’t want to think about how cold it can get on October nights. And if he has spent it all outside...
It feels like both a lifetime and a second has passed when he hears cars pull up outside of the house. It’s definitely more than one. He immediately gets up on his shaky legs before anyone can stop him but his mother beats him to the front door. He sees over her shoulder both the familiar black car Wilhelm’s security team uses, but it’ accompanied but not less than three police cars. It looks so unrealistic in the little neighborhood, where nothing exciting has ever happened. He really wishes that was still true.
Malin and Joakim, Wilhelm’s other bodyguard, are the first ones to reach them at the door, but they are being closely followed by two policemen and all of them take immediate aim at Simon. If it was under any other circumstances, he would have felt extremely uncomfortable and exposed. He still does, but it fades away compared to all the other emotions battling inside of him. He seriously doesn’t know how long he will be able to hold it together.
It's one of the police officers who addresses him first.
“Hi, are you Simon?”
He nods his head, it’s all he manages at the moment, the lump being too big in his throat to speak.
“My name is Peter, and I’m a police officer.”
It is of course a ridiculous thing to say, Simon can obviously see that. The police car and the police unform give him away after all, but Simon just nods again.
“I need you to tell me, where you with the Crown Prince last night?”
Simon nods for a third time but also manages to get out a small “yeah” as well.
“Can you please tell us about the night? What happened and who you met?”
“Ehm…” Simon’s mind feels foggy, like he can’t remember anything that has happened before he got the news that no one knows where Wilhelm is. But he tries to focus, closes his eyes briefly to conjure the memories from yesterday, not even thirteen hours having past yet from when they left Wilhelm’s dorm room together.
“There was this party…” he instinctively looks over at his mum, but she doesn’t even flinch at his confession, just has the same worried look on her face, the concern radiating from her eyes, her hand still on his arm, like a calming weight keeping him down. He doesn’t know if what he will say will give him or anyone else any trouble. Telling them about the secret parties and how Wilhelm regularly sneaks out and away from his bodyguards can’t be good, but it doesn’t matter at all right now. He just puts it all out there for them to know.
He does his best to tell them what he remembers from the night before, but he finds it’s difficult to know what they actually need to know and what is completely irrelevant. He tells them that most of Hillerska was there, having some kind of Halloween party. He tells them Wilhelm had some drinks, but he doesn’t know exactly what or how much. Simon never perceived him as drunk, or at least very drunk, but absolutely intoxicated, at least momentarily. He tells them Wilhelm was happy and seemed to have a good time the whole night.
He doesn’t tell them about how they converged several times to make out in every dark corner throughout the evening. Or about his own groundbreaking realization.
The police officer, Peter, is taking notes while Simon speaks. Rarely interrupts him but when Simon pauses for a second, he wants to know more about their departure from the party.
“And did you leave together? When was that?”
“uhm…” Simon has to think again. It was all a bit blurry. He himself hadn’t been drunk, he’d just sipped on the same beer the whole night. But he had been very tired, he’d just wanted to go back to Wilhelm’s room and go to bed.
“I think it might have been around 1. Or maybe half past?”
He feels even more insecure when he says it out loud.
“And where did you go?”
“Right before we left, we were at different places, and I think he said he needed to do something… Or talk to someone before we could leave… And when he got back and found me, I could immediately tell that he was upset…”
“Do you know who he talked to?”
Simon thinks about it for a second before shaking his head.
“No, sorry, I didn’t ask, I just wanted to get out of there, I was starting to get really tired, just wanted to go to his room to sleep.”
“And did you go to his room?”
Simon throws an apologetic look at Malin. To his relief she doesn’t look angry, just very, very serious.
“No. We left Palatset, that is what they call the old building in the woods… And I thought we would go back to the school, but I quickly realized Wille was going in the other direction... And I asked him where he was going. He told me he was feed up and needed to get away from there...”
He stops himself again and needs to swallow a lump in his throat. It doesn’t help at all, and the mass of anxiety stays. He also has to battle another set of tears threatening to appear.
“I tried to make him turn back… but he refused and then I thought that it would be better if I followed him and when I understood he was going towards Bjärstad I told myself that we could just come here and…”
The instability in his voice makes it impossible for him to continue. He has to take two deep breaths before he can go on.
“…I know he shouldn’t walk around without security, and I tried to get him to go back… I really did…”
Now Malin also reaches out to him and put her hand on his shoulder. That gesture alone almost makes him break down completely.
“…but he didn’t listen”, he squeezes out between sobs. “And I told myself we would be safe when we got home, and he got the chance to calm down and I could convince him to call you… He promised he would…” He looks up again at Malin and also dares a quick glance at Joakim, his stoneface not having moved one millimeter.
“But then… but then…” This is the part Simon really can’t talk about. He feels so ashamed, so incredibly stupid. He throws his hands up and buries his face in them.
“Please Simon, just tells us what happened…”
“We had a fight…” he blurts out because it's the only way he can do it, into his hands more than anything else, but he guesses they can hear him because no one asks him to repeat himself. He puts his hands down again but doesn’t meet anyone’s eyes.
“…we had a stupid fight and when we got here, we were both upset. And I asked him to come in with me, told him we could stay here and then talk about it in the morning, but he didn’t want to. Said he needed to… needed to… think…”
That particular piece of information hurts to share in more ways than one. His heart hurts every time the memory overtakes him. How Wilhelm needed to think. About them.
“It was dark and late and cold, and he wanted to walk back to Hillerska again, but I begged him not to, and he promised he would call you.” He looks at Malin again through tearstained eyes. “He promised, and I saw how he took his phone out when he walked away...”
An overwhelming rush of guilt washes over him.
“I’m so, so stupid” he tells everybody around him and puts his face in his hands again, but of course he doesn’t need to tell them that, they already know.“I’m so stupid, I should never have let him walk away all by himself…”
Once again, he finds himself in his mother’s embrace. It helps little against the raising self-hatred. When she lets him go, Malin is quick to face him.
“Simon, listen to me, this is not your fault, okay? But we really need to find him as quickly as possible. The police have already started the search around your house, but can you please show us where you saw him last? Then we could get a good idea where to search next.”
Simon nods his head and makes a swift motion with his sleeve to his face to get rid of the lingering tears on his cheeks. A sudden sensation of having wasted too much time standing here talking when they really should be out looking overcomes him.
For a moment he wonders if he has time to put on his shoes or if that would be seen as another waste of time. It would obviously be absurd if he walked out on this chilly October day in just his socks and he even takes a few more seconds to put on his puffer jacket. He notices his mum is doing the same and he is grateful she will come out with them; he really needs all the support he can get.
The police cars have evidently pulled a lot of attention to them and to their house, because neighbors are watching them from windows in all the nearby houses, some of them even going out to see what the commotion is all about. Simon can’t help but wonder how long it’s going to take before the press gets here. Polices at both Hillerska and now nearby Simon’s house. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that it might have something to do with Wilhelm. He really hopes the polices will keep them at a distance because he just can’t take reporters asking him stuff or taking photos of him right now.
They walk the short way to where the footpath splits in two and Simon stops.
“It was here. He walked in that direction.” Simon points, with a slightly shake on his hand, to the left where the surroundings are more open and there are less houses and a big field that spreads all the way to the main road. The memory comes back to him, how Simon had lingered on the pathway, torn if he should follow his boyfriend or not while seeing him disappear into the dark night.
What if that had been the last time Simon had seen him?
“Towards the school?” Simon snaps back to reality and thinks about it for a second.
“I just assumed he walked towards the road, so Malin could pick him up there. If his plan was to walk back I think he would have gone that way,” he points in the other direction. “It takes longer but it has lighting almost the entire way.”
Peter the police officer turns around and starts talking in his phone. Simon can’t make out all of what he is saying but thinks he hears something about “The Queen being on her way”, and Simon realizes he hasn’t had a single thought about her or Wilhelm’s dad at all. Something doesn’t sit right with that sentence though, should they really address her as the Queen when her son is missing? Shouldn’t they talk about her as the mother of a missing child? There are so many random thoughts in Simon’s head at the moment he just doesn’t know what to do with them all.
Peter is apparently done with his phone call because he addresses Simon again.
“Before you parted, did you see anyone else out here? Did you hear anyone?”
“No.”
“Are you absolutely sure?”
“Yes.”
“How long did you stay out here before you went inside?”
“Uhm…” He has to think about it again. “I don’t know, a couple of minutes? It was really cold and when I couldn’t see him anymore, I just walked home. I didn’t… I was pretty upset…”
“Okay, thank you”. Peter goes back to talking on his phone again and Simon looks from him, to Malin, to Joakim, to his own mother. What are they supposed to do now? Just stand here and wait? Shouldn’t they get out and help search as well?
He doesn’t get much time with his thoughts because the police cars that just a minute ago was parked outside of his house now pull up all around them and several policemen get out. It feels so fucking surreal. They all gather around Peter and seem to have some kind of briefing and all Simon can do is watch. It’s impossible for him to hear what they are saying from where he stands, his mother’s hand having found its way back to his arm, the grip around it is so tight it almost hurts.
Peter leaves the group of policemen behind and approaches Simon, Linda, Malin, and Joakim again.
“Okay, I have one last question for all of you. Do you think there is any possibility he might keep away by his own choice?”
“No!” Simon says before anybody else’s got the chance to, and he hears the anger and panic in his own voice. Wilhelm would never do this to him on purpose. Not do this to them. He is stupid sometimes, and reckless, but he would never keep away like this when he would with most certainty know what it would cause.
“Are you sure?” Peter tries again and his eyes bores into Simon’s. “If you had an argument and he was upset? You said yourself he told you he wanted to get away.”
“Yes but…” Simon is yet again at loss for words. He knows what he said before and it does sort of make sense what Peter is saying, but still. The Wilhelm he knows would never…
But… the unwelcome malicious voice in his head says, he was on the verge of having a panic attack when he left, you know he doesn’t think straight when he gets like that. But Simon fences those thoughts away, will never say them out loud, not now.
“Wille would never do that…” Simon hears himself say with a weak voice, trying to sound confident but surprises himself instead with how much of a question it sounds like.
“Does he know anyone here in Bjärstad? I mean except you. Has he ever mentioned having friends here? Someone he might have gone home to?”
Simon thinks about it but can’t really think of anyone. Wilhelm has never mentioned anyone around here that isn’t either part of Simon’s family or attending Hillerska. Is there a chance he in desperation went home to one of Simon’s friends? Is Rosh or Ayub housing Wilhelm at the moment? He dismisses the thought as soon as it enters his mind. They would with 100 percent certainty have contacted Simon if his boyfriend, the fucking Crown Prince of Sweden, came to their house in the middle of the night, on the verge of having a panic attack. By they way, Simon is sure Wilhelm has no idea where neither of them lives.
He looks at Peter and shakes his head. “No, he doesn’t know anyone. None that I’m aware of anyway.”
Malin confirms his statement by a shake of her head of her own and a short “no, no one”.
“And I know this sounds tough,” Peter goes on and takes a long breath before asking; “but do you think there is any chance he might have done something to himself?”
For a second Simon’s brain can’t work out what Peter is talking about. Done what? They’ll have to excuse him but there has been a bit much this morning and the synapses in his brain don’t really do their job properly at the moment and he knows he is just staring dumbly at Peter, but he doesn’t know what else to do. But when they finally do connect, and he realizes what Peter is implying, he might as well have poured a bucket of cold water over Simon’s head.
The panic washes over him again with full force and his mum must be able to tell because she puts her arms around his shoulders, holds him tight with his back towards her chest. The thought has never crossed his mind but now he might never get it out of his head instead.
“N... No, he… he wouldn't…” he stutters and keeps up the losing battle against the inevitable tears. He wants to sound certain, wants to erase any doubts but he just doesn’t feel sure about anything anymore.
“He has never implied anything about wanting to harm himself or not wanting to live anymore?”
“No!”
Simon wants to scream at him, yell at him to stop asking stupid questions and go back to search for Wilhelm instead. Even hitting the policeman sounds satisfying if it would make him stop implying things that aren’t true.
“The Crown Prince has been dealing with anxiety,” he hears Malin’s voice beside him, and Simon has never felt so betrayed in his whole life. Because how can she bring that up now? When Simon is one more implication away from having a nervous breakdown? And the fact that Wilhelm has been dealing with anxiety has nothing to do with him being missing right now. It just can’t be.
“But we have never gotten any indications whatsoever that he has ever harmed himself or that he’s ever had any plans to take his own life,” Malin continues, and Simon forgives her a little, because she is right about that and it’s important that Peter knows that. There have never been any indications because there have never been any thoughts about that from Wilhelm’s side at all.
“Depressed people often do everything they can to avoid showing their true intentions. They often put up a front to the world, wanting everyone to think everything is fine. Until they just can’t take it anymore.” Peter says and deliberately doesn’t look at Simon.
“He is not depressed,” Simon almost growls out at him, because this is ridiculous. Wilhelm would never do that to him. But that gnawing feeling in his stomach is back, the one that makes him question everything he’s ever thought he’d known.
“I’m sorry Simon, but I had to ask”, Peter tells him, and he really does look apologetic when he once again gives him a look. “We will start the search around here and if we don’t find anything we will continue to search all the way to Hillerska, since it seems that’s most likely the way he was going to take.”
And if you still don’t find anything? Simon wants to ask but doesn’t. He doesn’t know if he will be able to take it anymore. He won’t waste any more of their time, will just let them start, they have to find Wilhelm, now.
Simon closes his eyes, and he sees Wilhelm’s sad eyes and devastated features in front of him. The way he’d looked at Simon before turning and walking away from him. It's too painful to think, but can it be true? Can the things Peter imply have actually happened? Had that last look Wilhelm had given him meant more than Simon realized at that moment? Had that last look actually been meant as a last look from Wilhelm’s perspective? Had a decision been made sometime during their walk from Hillerska? During their argument? Was the time Wilhelm turned back to look at Simon the moment when he had made the decision? Or had he already made it by then?
The urge to go back and change what has happened has never felt more crucial for Simon. He desperately wants a time machine, wants to go back, to do more, to not let Wilhelm walk away from him. Despite having only having him in his life for a year, he can't even imagine living one day of it without Wilhelm in it.
Simon might have collapsed into the soil beneath him if his mother didn’t ground him in her arms. These thoughts are getting too much for him, they are too painful, he feels so naïve, so guilty, and so scared.
He watches as Peter directs his focus to the group of policemen that are all seemingly waiting for his orders.
“Okay!” Peter yells at them and white smoke emerges from his mouth from the chilly air. “You can start the search!”
Simon watches as if it is all being played out in a film and for the hundredth time just today, he gets the feeling that this isn’t really happening, that this is not real, this is happening to someone else, not him. The polices get to work immediately, like a well-oiled machinery they spread out and methodically start the search around the settings, searching through every millimeter of grass, leaf, vegetation, bushing. One policeman opens the trunk of one of the cars and a German Sheppard hops out, held in a leash, not even a second is wasted before it starts sniffing the ground.
Simon’s body is shaking, from cold and from shock and a buzzing noise is ringing in his ears and he wonders if he would hear if anyone said anything to him right now. He gets the answer to his question immediately, because someone does. Malin looks at him and makes a gesture towards the house. It sounds almost like she is under water, he can just make out what she is saying.
“Come on Simon, let’s go inside.”
He doesn’t even look at her, just keeps his eyes on the working policemen.
“No.”
“Come on Simon, let the police do their job.”
He turns around slightly in his mother’s arms and gives Malin a pleading look.
“Please, just a short while. I will come with you soon, I just have to…”
He never states what he has to, but there is no need, she looks so incredibly tired and there seems to be no fight in her left because she just nods her head and stays by his side. Well, to her defense, she is not having her best day at work.
He has no idea how long they just stand there, watching as the search goes on. People in the neighborhood are being curious and come out to see what is going on. Simon can hear them talk to the polices, but they do their job keep them at bay, telling them to please remain in their houses. The press is probably there somewhere as well but Simon thinks that maybe the polices have gotten some more backup to deal with that too. He doesn’t even know if he, his mother, Malin and Joakim are actually allowed to be out here, to stand here and watch them work, but no one says anything to them, and he braces himself for when there will be another attempt to make him leave and go inside.
What if they don’t find anything? What if they never find him?
The cold October air bites into his ears and cheeks, it breaks into his marrow and nestles itself in his bones. The vision of Wilhelm being hurt somewhere and unable to call for help, of him being kidnapped, or of him being covered in blood, just won’t leave him alone. Of him having done something… Simon feels so stupid, so selfish, and just so, so, so, soul-crushingly scared.
They must be standing out there for hours. Well, no, it’s probably not hours, but he really has no idea how much time has really passed. He knows they will eventually try again, to make him come inside with them, and he doesn’t know how much he will be able to fight them this time. He wants to stay here, to know the second Wilhelm is found, but he knows it might take time, if they even find him at all…
His heart almost stops when one of the policemen, all the way on the other side of the field, all of a sudden, yells out:
“Here! I’ve found something!”
Simon instinctively pulls forward, try to get there to see what they have found, but his mother still got him in a firm grip. He thinks maybe Malin and Joakim help her hold him back because he can’t move forward at all no matter how much he tries.
“Let me go”, he tries to yell at them, but it only comes out as a muffled sound, arms being everywhere around him, his own in his face. When he realizes he isn’t getting anywhere he stops the fencing with his arms, and the pulling of his body, but his heart almost races out of his chest.
He sees how the polices gather around something close to the one who made the discovery, all of them looking down on the ground and it can’t be Wilhelm they have found, right? They wouldn’t just stand there and stare at him if it was?
It seems like hours pass by before one of them starts to walk towards them, towards Simon and the field has never felt this big before and why is he walking so slow and why doesn’t he just run as fast as he can?
It’s Peter. And when he is just a few meters away from Simon and the others he holds up an object for them and at first sight Simon’s blurry mind can’t make out what it is.
“Is this the Crown Prince’s phone?”
Finally, Simon can focus, and his heart goes from racing a million miles an hour to stopping completely. In his gloved hand lays Wilhelm’s broken phone. It’s dirty and has several cracks across the screen and Simon's heart feels the same when he looks at it.
Simon can’t get a word out, just stares at it in shock but he is fairly sure Malin confirms that it is indeed Wilhelm’s phone next to him. Peter takes out his own phone and puts it to his ear when he turns around and starts walking away from them again with firm steps. Simon hears him say something about “Continue the search” and is there a hint of worry in it? But Simon can’t really tell before the policeman’s voice fades away into the wind.
He’s barely got the time to think about what it could mean, except that this is really, really not good at all, and his mind almost goes momentarily blank from panicking, before another police officer yells out. it’s the one with the dog in a leash and Simon has noticed the dog has been sniffing around some shrubbery across the field from them, about a hundred meters from where they have found the phone. At first, he can’t make out her words, being too far away from them, but then she yells a second time, louder.
“Yes, it’s him! He is here, I’ve found him!”
Before anyone can register what he is doing, Simon quickly makes a dive and shrugs of everybody’s hands and arms on him, and he almost stumbles over his own feet at first but manages to stay up. He hears his mother’s surprised cry of his name after him when he starts to sprint across the field.