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Charlie wasn't sure precisely how he had ended up in an Ikea with Nick, being trailed by Darcy and Tara giving David Attenborough style commentary as they tried to pick furniture for their new flat. Being here with Nick made sense. After all, they were finally moving into their own place after graduation, and they needed cheap, sensible furnishings. But when they had mentioned their plans at movie night, Darcy had started squealing about how they need a Blah? Barge? Blerg? Barrage? Charlie didn't know, but whatever it was had led to Darcy inviting themselves and Tara along on the trip.
Charlie had a list of what they needed and the critical dimensions of their new space. Nick was along to provide opinions on colors and whether or not things could comfortably accommodate his 6'3" frame. Going up the escalator, Darcy and Nick were immediately distracted by the display of throw cushions. Charlie sighed, wondering just how late the store stayed open. At least there was a cafe in the middle.
Tara clearly had developed her own coping strategies for shopping with her partner. "Here we see the wild Darcimus Olssonus examining an array of colorful items to decorate their nest. While they already have a mate, these cushions are a sign of stability and continued interest, hoping to keep their partner as long as possible. With them is a new specimen, Nicholas Nelsonius. He is establishing his first nest with his partner. Observe how he glances back at his partner, seeking confirmation. But Charlemagne Primavera is shaking his head. Their nest is not ready for additional items, still needing critical components, such as a sofa." Tara ended her monologue with a giggle as Nick put down his cushion and Darcy tucked a wild colored one under her arm.
Charlie blinked in confusion. "What… what was that?"
"The only way I can survive Ikea without going insane," said Tara. "We lived nearby in uni, and the meatballs were our cheap date night, and we would sit and people watch and comment."
Darcy came up behind Tara, resting their chin on her shoulder. "Are we doing IKEA nature documentaries?"
"Of course!"
"Excellent! You two, go do your shopping. We'll follow along as your commentators," said Darcy. Nick just shrugged, as if this was a perfectly reasonable thing for their friends to be doing.
So now here he was, comparing the two different pull out couch options, with Tara and Darcy sitting in Poäng chairs, narrating his every move.
"Our two partners clearly have different priorities in constructing their nest together," said Darcy. "The larger of the pair is focused on comfort, testing nest building materials mostly with his posterior."
"Meanwhile," added Tara, "Charlemagne Primavera is seen evaluating secondary functions of the sofa, such as accommodations for guests and ability to clean the sofa. Watch as he methodically pulls the stow away bed in and out, testing the ease of operation of the mechanisms."
"The Nicholas Nelsonius seems to have fallen asleep while his partner diligently considers their nesting materials," said Darcy. "Clearly, the most comfortable option has been identified."
Charlie tried not to roll his eyes. Nick had been up late the night before packing up the last of his belongings at the flat he shared with Otis and Christian. Of course he was tired. But they were barely ⅓ of the way through the top.floor, and they had a lot more decisions to make before their lunch break. But with all other things being equal, a sofa comfortable enough to sleep on in a brightly lit, noisy space was the clear winner. Charlie snapped a photo of the tag so they could find the appropriate aisle and bin once they made it downstairs. He gently kissed Nick's cheek. "Time to keep moving, babe. We need a coffee table and something for the TV to sit on still."
Nick hummed groggily. "But I'm comfy," he grumbled.
"I know. And we're getting this one, so you'll have plenty of chances to nap on it again," said Charlie.
"Ok, ok, I'll get up. So tables next?" said Nick.
"Yep. According to the map, they should be past the shelving units," said Charlie.
"We see the smaller of the pair taking a leadership role on their nest making expedition," said Tara. "While casual observers might assume the larger of the pair would take charge, the intricacies of the nest making process are far more complex."
"Indeed," said Darcy, "the larger of the pair is mostly here to lift heavy objects as demanded by his partner."
"Oi!" interjected Nick. "I'm not just a set of arms."
"But I like your arms," murmured Charlie, chuckling as Nick blushed bright red. He loved how easy it was to get that reaction out of Nick after so many years together.
"This teamwork and continued courting is what will make this partnership successful long term," said Tara. Charlie squeezed Nick's hand as they wound through the labyrinthine display floor. Following the arrows on the floor, the group found their way to the small tables. Tara and Darcy leaned against a taller entertainment counter as Nick and Charlie threaded through the tables.
"What do you think of Lack?" asked Charlie.
"It's kind of boring. And I thought we were looking for solid pine?" said Nick.
"It's more expensive, though," said Charlie.
"You know Dad sent a check to cover this, right? We might as well get pieces that are more likely to survive a couple moves. It may cost more now, but it'll be cheaper later," said Nick.
"The Nicholas Nelsonius shows an unexpected insight for the long term plans of the pair," said Darcy. "While Charlemagne Primavera is typically the organizer, he is clearly considering the feedback. The durability of materials is often not the primary consideration of a first nest, but the Nelsonius paternalus has provided additional financial resources in lieu of actual paternal support." Nick snorted at Darcy's commentary.
"Ok, that's a fair point," said Charlie. "So this one?" he said pointing. "Do we just want two, or do we want something taller for the TV?"
"Something taller," said Nick. "Or I'll get a crick in my neck."
The pair kept walking through until they found a Besta combination that they liked, Tara and Darcy continuing to comment the whole way. Nick and Darcy got thoroughly distracted in the children's section by the stuffed toys and brightly colored fake food. Nick made cooing noises over a particularly adorable kid's night light shaped like a kitten.
"The Nicholas Nelsonius is clearly thinking about the potential outcomes of nesting, namely, offspring," said Tara. "The nesting process often makes one member of the pair broody. Watch as he examines tiny colorful objects, imagining having a child of his own playing with them."
Charlie smiled softly. He didn't think about having kids very often, but he knew it was something that Nick wanted badly. They weren't ready yet, but someday… someday they could talk about it more seriously. Nick's stomach audibly grumbled, making all of them laugh.
"Right, time for meatballs," declared Darcy, setting down a stuffed polar bear named Snuttig and grabbing Tara's hand before running towards the cafe. While Darcy and Nick opted for the traditional meatballs, Tara picked the salmon salad, and Charlie went with vegetable soup and a side salad. They found a table near the window, slightly out of the shrapnel range of the high chairs nearby with children who were dropping as much food as they managed to eat. Nick's face went all soft and gooey when one of the orange smeared babies waved at him and grinned.
Noticing everyone looking at him, Nick said "What? Babies are cute!"
"You really do love kids, don't you?" said Tara.
"I did major in primary education," shrugged Nick. "And I'd like to be a better dad than mine was."
Darcy snorted. "Mate, that is a low bar. And I should know about bad parenting."
"But I'm pretty sure our first flat and first jobs are a bit early for kids," said Charlie. "Since we're not exactly going to have one by surprise."
Tara nodded. "Both a blessing and a curse."
Food finished, they gathered their trays and prepared to enter the lower level of Ikea. Charlie pulled out his list. They had found the big items, but now they were entering Nick's domain: cookware. He grabbed a cart, and immediately added a set of storage containers.
"Fortified by their stop for provisions, our intrepid pair continues onward into the kitchen goods section," said Tara. "Now we can see Nicholas Nelsonius has taken the lead, swiftly and efficiently selecting the items needed for meal preparation. Meanwhile, Charlemagne Primavera is selecting dishes. It is a beautiful dance of unspoken communication, truly proof of the quality of this pairing. But wait! Could it be a… disagreement?"
Nick held up an adorable baking mold shaped like a flower. Charlie raised an eyebrow. Nick had a terrible weakness for adorable cake pans, and while their new flat wasn't tiny, the cupboard space was not particularly generous. As it was, there were a lot of pans staying with Sarah. Their eyes locked, Charlie's steely blue glare meeting Nick's hopefully honey gaze. Defeated, Nick put the pan down on the shelf.
"After a tense standoff," commented Darcy, "the pan has been returned to the shelf, not to be acquired with the other materials for the new shared space. A silent compromise has been reached."
Charlie smiled at Nick. "Sorry, love, but you know we won't have the space. I wish we did."
"I know," said Nick, "but it's just so cute!"
"We can pick a really cute tablecloth instead," said Charlie.
"Ok!" said Nick brightly. "I've got the essentials covered. What's next?"
"We're all set on bed linens and there are already curtains, so I wanted to get a lamp for the main space, a rug for the front entrance, some plants, and candles, and then it will be time to get the big boxes," said Charlie. "Also, I know it's ridiculous, but I think I'm getting used to the narration?"
Nick nodded in agreement. "It was kind of weird at first, but IKEA is kind of a weird place when you think about it. It's like a different planet. Or at least another country."
Walking through the bedding section, Nick brushed his hand along the throw blanket displays before suddenly stopping. "Oh my God, it's so soft!"
"While the item was not not on the pairs' list, Nicholas Nelsonius seems to have found a particularly intriguing item," said Tara. "How will Charlemagne Primavera react?"
"We have a lot of blankets already," said Charlie, thinking about the small mountain that lived in a basket in Nick's flat.
"But the couch has storage under the chaise section!" said Nick. "And its super soft and machine washable! We can always another washable blanket." He waggled his eyebrows suggestively.
"An interesting strategy by the Nelsonius," said Darcy. "He has made an overture to the horny side of his partner. Will this strategy pay off?"
Nick held the blanket up against his chest. "Come feel how soft it is." Charlie reached over, stroking the soft textile over Nick's firm chest. It really was very nice, and machine washable made it much more appealing. And well, Nick was also quite nice to touch. They were finally going to have their own space, with no parents or flatmates…
"Ok, we can get the blanket," conceded Charlie, flushing slightly.
"The gambit seems to have worked," said Tara. "The baser instincts of Charlemagne Primavera have taken hold. Underneath all the rituals, the ultimate purpose remains the same: mating."
"Tara!" exclaimed Nick, scandalized.
"What? You were the one talking about how machine washable the throw is!" she replied.
"Yes, because I spill things." Darcy snort-laughed in the background. "Food things!" Nick was turning bright red. "It… I… you!"
Charlie squeezed Nick's arm reassuringly. "I know, love. They're just being silly. Attenborough does talk about sex regularly."
"Exactly!" said Darcy. "I mean, nesting and mating rituals? The animal kingdom is very focused on getting it on."
"Well, continuing the species and whatnot," said Charlie.
"Do we need to have a talk about the birds and the bees and how that all works, Mr. Spring?" asked Darcy.
"No! I really don't need to hear your version of The Talk," said Nick. "Let's just keep moving," he said, grabbing the cart and walking away.
"Wrong way," called Charlie. Nick swiftly turned around, taking advantage of the four pivoting wheels to avoid running over a toddler.
The lighting section proved largely uneventful, with Charlie picking a basic floor lamp, and Nick grabbing a small desk lamp for marking papers while Charlie watched telly. Darcy and Tara got distracted from commentating by playing with the lamps that changed shape with a pull of the string.
As they walked into the rug section, Darcy opened her mouth only to have Tara immediately slap a hand over it. "I know exactly what joke you want to make," said Tara, "and I will remind you that one, there are small children around, two, it's not actually funny, and three, it's not relevant to Nick and Charlie. Nod if you understand."
Darcy nodded, and Tara slowly removed her hand. "Fine, but it's still funny," they grumbled.
"Not really, but I love you anyway," said Tara.
Nick walked over to a long oriental style hallway rug. "Can we get this one? Then we could roll out the red carpet for visitors!"
Charlie groaned. "For someone with no kids, you certainly make a lot of dad jokes."
"When do you know a joke is a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!" said Nick with a grin.
"Observe as Nicholas tries to demonstrate his qualifications for parenting to his mate," said Darcy in narrator mode. "By showing key skills, he hopes to convince his partner to pursue starting a family together."
"But first they must complete their current mission," said Tara. "It is a dance as old as time, couples navigating the merging of their lives together, sacrificing the freedom of individual spaces for the benefit of time together and uninterrupted space."
"I don't think that one will stand up to very much water and mud. Can we find something a bit sturdier?" asked Charlie. Nick nodded, and after rejecting a cow hide, a black and white lattice design and a scratchy beige runner, they eventually settled on a striped cotton rug for the front hallway. Tara held her ground as Darcy desperately tried to convince her that they needed a sheepskin rug for taking thirsty selfies.
The last part of the marketplace, however, was the most dangerous area for young queers: houseplants and candles. Tara and Darcy gave up their pretense of narrating Nick and Charlie as they dove nose-first into the candle section.
"We can finally have candles without breaking any housing rules!" exclaimed Nick. "Oh my gosh, these little lanterns are so cute! Can we get two of those to put next to the TV and a couple of pillar? Oh, smell this one!" He put a dark purple candle under Charlie's nose.
"Not bad, but I think I like this one better," said Charlie, holding out a dark green candle.
"Two of each and we can swap them out?" suggested Nick. Charlie nodded, adding them to the rather full cart. Thank goodness they had Tara's mum's minivan for this venture. They escaped with only two potted plants, Charlie successfully arguing that they didn't really know how much natural light the new space had, and it would be better to get more plants later than doom them to a dark and dismal death. Of course, oneo f the two was a rather enormous monstera, with a large decorative pot to go with it, so it wasn't exactly a small amount of greenery in the end.
The regular trolley now full, the group moved onward to the imposing aisles of the warehouse section. Charlie opened his notes, having organized the list to minimize back tracking. Nick grabbed a flat bed trolley, which Darcy immediately sat on.
"You know you'll have to move when I need to put giant boxes there, right?" said Nick.
"Onward, my brilliant steed! Tally ho!" said Darcy, pointing towards the center aisle. Charlie shook his head, leading the group towards the first bins.
"We watch as the Charlemagne Primavera navigates treacherous territory to lead the pair to their needed resources," said Tara.
He rolled his eyes as they stopped in front of the first set of boxes. He held the flat bed still, appreciating how Nick's arms flexed as he maneuvered the bulky package into position. "As expected, Nicholas Nelsonius is taking advantage of this opportunity to show off his strength to his partner," said Darcy. "He clearly knows what will capture the interest of the usually pragmatic partner."
"Instead of asking for help," added Tara, "the focus is on impressing his mate. Judging by the flushed complexion, it's clearly working."
Charlie rolled his eyes, but made no attempt to deny his love of Nick's strong rugby arms. Nick also blushed bright red, making Tara and Darcy burst into giggles. Nick let Tara help him get the next box onto the cart, the largest component of their new couch. With all the boxes stably stacked, bar codes pointed in the right direction, he steered carefully, trying to avoid toppling a display of toddler chairs. Navigating through the outdoor section, Nick grabbed a set of blue and yellow string lights for the garden, balancing them on top of the mountain of boxes that would eventually, after a lot of sweat and swearing, become their couch and tables. Charlie smiled and shook his head. Nick and his fairy lights.
Darcy squealed as they finally approached the check out and a wire bin full of soft toy sharks came into view. "Bålhaj!!" they yelled excitedly, running towards the bin.
"Don't run over any small children or old people!" called Tara.
Darcy planted their face into a plushie shark. "It's so friend shaped! It's not food! Blergy blargy Bålhajy boo!" They hugged a shark in each arm, twirling around happily.
Charlie looked confused. As ridiculous as the day had been, this was somehow the most nonsensical thing out of Darcy's mouth all day. "Is that a Finding Nemo reference or something?"
Tara shook her head. "Who knows, but whatever makes them happy."
He looked over at Nick petting the soft blue throw blanket he had grabbed earlier. "Yeah. As long as they're happy."