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His mother kept making comments about him spending more time in his room than usual lately. Every time Scotty would just brush her off while making up an excuse— things were different now that a lot of the guys had girlfriends or it was too hot to play baseball. Neither was technically a lie but they also weren’t the full truth. “Yeah-Yeah and Nunez have that double date tonight and the Timmons are still on vacation. We don’t need a full team to play but it’s not as fun when we’re four down. And I’m not in the mood to listen to Squints talk about Wendy today.”
“Are you seeing anyone?” she asked, not taking her eyes off the dishes she was doing.
“What?” His face turned red and he hoped his mother would assume it was because of his voice cracking on the word. “No, don’t be ridiculous.”
“You’ve grown up to be a handsome young man. Not ridiculous to think you could have caught someone’s eye.” Scotty was sure that his mother never specified gender when talking about him dating— but he was also sure it was just wishful thinking to believe it meant what he wanted it to mean.
He shook his head. “I just have my nerdy stuff that girls think is weird and baseball with the guys.” His mother made a face he couldn't read when the word ‘ girls ’ came out of his mouth. “Oh, and Johnny,” he added when his brother whined at him. “Nerdy stuff, baseball, and Johnny.”
This time, Scotty did understand her look— that look she always gave him to let him know she knew he was lying but didn’t want to call him on it. She stayed silent for a few moments as she watched her elder son entertain the younger. “You know you can tell me anything.”
“Right.” His voice was low. “Yeah, Mom. I- I know.” But truthfully, he didn’t know. He could read into the things she said for hours but would always ultimately come to the conclusion that he couldn't tell her the most important secret he would ever have. Sure, he could tell her he was seeing someone— after all, it wasn't the act he was worried about. It was the who.
Of course he wanted to stay up all night talking to his mother about falling in love. About the way his person made him feel. But he couldn’t get past the thought of telling her who made him feel those things. He knew all about the way gay people were preceived— how bad polititians and religious figures made them out to be. And even though both she and his father had never outright claimed to be against them— how was he to know how they would react about learning their son was one?
“Even if you find it hard-”
“Mom. I get it. Okay?”
She let out a sigh, but left him alone after that. Scotty felt bad— keeping such a big part of himself a secret from her. But the fear of losing her because of that part was stronger. He didn’t like the thought of hurting her— but he didn’t want to learn how much her knowing would hurt her even more. Scotty excused himself to his bedroom after a few minutes of his mother purposely not looking at him.
As he climbed the stairs, he heard her make a comment about him just being a teenager when Johnny started whining again. There were many times when he contemplated making up a fake girlfriend to tell her about. But what the hell would he do when she started asking about meeting her. And it wasn’t like he could simply fake date someone— because how would he even begin to explain his reasoning to a girl in his class? Not to mention there was no way he could lie to and hurt a girlfriend and his mother— then ultimately himself and Benny as well.
Scotty was too deep into his own head when Benny arrived at his window that he didn’t hear the faint knock— because a second louder knock brought him out of it. He hurried to the window to unlock and open it for Benny to climb in. “Sorry,” he said sheepishly as he moved to give him room.
“No worries, Smalls.” Scotty sat onto his bed as his boyfriend climbed in— he hated the sneaking around. But there was no way his parents wouldn’t get suspicious if his supposed best friend was over so much— there were limits. “You okay?” Benny asked, seconds after he was inside with the window closed behind him.
Scotty sighed, turning his face away slightly. “I was really hoping you wouldn’t ask me that.” His voice broke and he honestly hated hearing it. “Because I don’t want to answer it.”
Benny quickly sat down beside him. He reached out to Scotty, who moved himself away. “Hey, tell me what’s wrong?”
“All I do is hurt her with my lies and I can’t stand it. But, Benny, I’m so scared.”
He tried again to touch his boyfriend. “Come here.”
Scotty moved away again. “I can’t keep doing this.”
“Scotty, come here. Please.” Benny tried once again to comfort him— and this time he was allowed to. He pulled him close then ran his fingers through his hair a few times. “I love you.” That pushed Scotty over the edge and he couldn’t keep his composure anymore. He started crying— because he loved him too. “I love you,” Benny repeated. “And I am here for you, always.”
“I can’t tell her.”
“I know why you feel that way, but if keeping secrets from her is hurting you th-”
“Benny,” he interrupted. “I can’t lose her. I love you, I do. But I can’t stand the idea of her thinking of me differently because of it.”
Benny lightly moved Scotty away from him then pressed their foreheads together— one hand was resting on Scotty’s cheek and the other on the back of his neck. He could feel his breath ghost across his face as he spoke. “Your mom loves you.”
Scotty tried to look at him, but he was just a blurry blob so he closed his eyes instead. “What if it’s conditional?”
Benny had stayed with him for most of the night, letting him talk out his feelings and weighing in his opinion about the situation. The next morning, Scotty spent a few extra minutes in the shower— debating with himself about if he should go through with his plan. He still wasn’t sure of the answer as he walked into the kitchen. His body was moving slowly. but his mind was racing.
His father was reading the morning paper while nursing a cup of coffee— his mother was at the stove cooking breakfast, it smelled like pancakes— and he could hear his brother watching cartoons in the living room. “Mom, Dad,” he said finally, awkwardly shuffling his weight from one foot to the other.
“Good morning,” his father said, not looking away from the paper. His mother simply hummed in response. “Everything okay?” Sometimes he hated how well they could read him.
“I was hoping we could talk,” Scotty said quickly. “But if you’re busy it can wait.”
“We always have time for you, Scotty,” his mother said while reaching to turn off the stove. She then moved to place a plate full of pancakes onto the table before taking a seat next to her husband, who placed the paper down. “What’s on your mind?”
Scotty stood in front of his parents, feeling small under their collective gaze. “I’ve been trying to find the correct words to say for a while now. Despite being smart, I still don’t know if I have been very successful.” He chuckled nervously, trying and failing to ease the feeling in his stomach. “Anyway. I- uh- I’m…” He shifted his weight again— the urge to cry coming back in full force. “I’ve been holding onto a secret for a long time but I’m tired of holding it. I’m tired of lying to the two of you.” His mother was giving him a knowing look and he couldn’t read the expression on his father’s face. “I’ve been seeing someone. And maybe it isn’t real because we’re still so young, but I love them.”
“Do we know them?” Scotty’s stomach settled a little at her not jumping to use female pronouns— maybe he wasn’t reading into her never specifying.
He turned his face away from them and took in a deep breath. It was now or never. He released the breath then whispered, “It’s Benny.”
His mother let out a soft laugh that Scotty didn’t even have time to analyze because the sound of his father standing up quickly drowned it out. His head snapped back up to watch him move to stand in front of him. Scotty may have had a recent growth spurt that put them at about the same height— but right then, he felt absolutely tiny. He jumped when his father reached out to place a hand onto his shoulder. “Son, in this house you will never be treated any differently because of who you love.”
Scotty let out the breath he was holding in so hard his chest hurt. “You don’t care that he’s a boy?”
“All I care about is that you’re being safe and respectful, and that you are getting the same treatment in return.” Scotty nodded slowly— too scared about how his voice would sound if he spoke again. “Thank you for telling us, but can you do me a favor?” Scotty nodded again, still not fully trusting his voice. “Tell him to use the front door from now on.”
Scotty was a blushing mess for the rest of breakfast, but none of them mentioned why— not even when Johnny whined about wanting to know why his brother was red. He found himself feeling foolish for being scared to tell them— he had to remind himself that there was no way for him to have known how they would react. Most importantly, he was glad his fear was for naught.
Not long after breakfast, Benny was at Scotty’s window— but he wasn’t being let in, Scotty was blocking the way. “Smalls,” Benny whined. “What gives?”
Scotty leaned out the window slightly, a goofy smile on his face. “Dad wants you to use the front door.”