Work Text:
The Diary of Stede Bonnet
I’ve known him for 29 years. 30 in September. For more than half of my life, and then some.
On the very first day of high school, the 13 year old boy who sat in front of me in English class, the one with the dark, curled hair cascading down his neck, stopping at his shoulders, turned around to me and said:
“Wanna hang out behind the greenhouse at break-time?”
And that was that, really.
☼
Stede opened the door to a grinning Edward. Neither of them could remember a time where they didn’t spend the evening together. It started out as one night a week (Friday) due to their respective busy schedules, with Ed being a relatively famous artist and Stede working on getting his doctorate in Classical studies. However, that quickly turned into every Saturday night, too. And then every Sunday night. And then every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and so on and so forth.
“Really, at this point you might as well just move in together.” Mary had joked when she was over sharing a glass of Sauvignon Blanc during their film night.
“Hey stranger.” Ed greeted, as he always did. Stede moved to the side to let him waltz through the door, and he couldn’t help but think that he really was wonderfully comfortable in Stede’s home. Not that that was bugging Stede in any way, oh no, quite the opposite. The more Ed was over, the better, really.
“I bought takeaway. You gotta guess what it is, though.”
“Ooh, Chinese?” Stede replied, eagerly following Ed into the kitchen. The food was placed on the kitchen island and Ed turned to face Stede.
“Nope, had that last time. Two more guesses.”
“…Indian, maybe?”
“Nope. Three strikes and you’re out, Bonnet.”
Stede had no idea. “Fish and chips?”
“Wrong!” Ed cheered, turning his back to his best friend to unwrap the mystery takeaway. “Mexican! Fancied a change, and I know you like it, so…”
“That’s very thoughtful of you, Ed, thank you. You dish up and I’ll get the living room set up.” Stede placed his palm on Ed’s forearm as he walked past, and if Ed shivered when it happened, neither of them said a word.
☼
29th April 2023
Tonight, Ed came over for dinner, again. He bought us Mexican because ‘he knew I liked it’. Such a simple, little thing, but he knows me better than I know myself. It reminds me of the time when he bought me two dozen tulips after a terrible break-up and I never even told him that they were my favourite flowers.
Oh gosh, when you gave me those gorgeous tulips, Ed… you walked around the room and I simply watched the back of your head, suddenly overcome and overwhelmed by the feeling of knowing I was way beyond what could be recovered from.
☼
The next day, Ed comes and knocks on Stede’s door, but instead of dinner in his hands, he is carrying a plant pot.
“You remember Charlotte?” He asks, Charlotte being the succulent in his grasp.
“I don’t recall her, but it’s lovely to meet you Charlotte.”
Ed’s face lights up and follows Stede inside.
“What’s for dinner, angel?” Ed calls from the next room, where he is placing Charlotte on Stede’s mantelpiece.
The nickname catches Stede off guard, making him blush something dreadful. Pulling up his sleeves, he decided he was going to cook something himself. “How do you feel about me cooking us some spaghetti, hm?”
“Spag bol sounds orgasmic, fuck yeah.” Ed has always been crude, and Stede has always loved it.
Stede overheard Ed turning the TV on in the lounge, and he smiled to himself. He could just picture his best friend taking his shoes off and kicking his feet up on the sofa, like it was his as much as it was Stede’s. A normal person may be a little irritated with their friends being as comfortable as Ed was in his home, but Stede absolutely relished in it. So much so that if he tried hard enough, he could pretend that they actually lived together and had been for numerous years. Hopelessly in love.
Stede couldn’t remember a time where he wasn’t in love with Ed. He firmly believed that he fell head over heels the moment Ed spoke to him all those years ago and whilst some might turn their nose up at the thought of a thirteen year old falling in love, Stede knew it was true. Edward Teach had been the object of his affections for nearly three decades and unfortunately it didn’t seem like it was changing anytime soon.
After ten minutes, Ed walked back into the kitchen and poked Stede in the ribs as he was stirring the pasta sauce.
Stede turned towards his best friend and grinned. “Hey, you. How come you’re not watching TV?”
Ed placed his chin on Stede’s shoulder overlooking the stove, and Stede tried not to blush furiously. “Got bored. How long till dinner?” He questioned, pressing his chin harder into the blonde’s shoulder.
“Not long now, dear. Is the table set up?” A wordless nod.
“Hmm, okay. Help me dish up?”
Ed, of course, agreed, and proceeded to absolutely load his plate with spaghetti and bolognese sauce, to the point where he had to insist that he was going to eat it all and none would go to waste.
A majority of it did go to waste, but Stede didn’t mind.
☼
Despite having two very different career paths, Ed and Stede both worked at the same University. Of course, they hardly saw each other during their working days, with Ed being based in the arts side of campus and Stede being situated in the Ancient History department which were, unfortunately, on completely different sides of campus. Despite this, though, they still tried to share as many lunches together as possible.
Today was one of the days where they managed to share the hour together, with Ed lounging on Stede’s office sofa. It wasn’t really Stede’s office, it was his lecturers, but Charles never ate lunch on campus and had granted Stede access when he wasn’t there.
“And Izzy puked everywhere! It was fucking hilarious, man, I’ve never seen him turn so red. It was nice to see him get a taste of his own medicine, to be honest.” Ed was enlightening Stede on the time he and Izzy went on a rollercoaster and when they got off, Izzy spewed all over the platform, and all of this happened spectacularly after Izzy had taken the piss out of the girl in front of them chickening out on the ride when they were boarding. Stede never liked Izzy either, to be honest, and hearing about his new nickname, ‘Izzy the Spewer’, filled him with far too much joy.
“Izzy the Spewer… it suits him,” Stede giggled, taking another bite of the sushi Ed had bought for him.
“Mhm,” Ed agreed, looking over at his best friend. “Hey, you on for dinner tonight?”
Stede nodded enthusiastically. “Of course, I was planning on cooking a roast dinner if you’re up for it?” Stede was the best at roast dinners.
“Of fucking course, I’ll bring some wine.” Ed replied, his mouth full of monster munch.
Stede raised his eyebrow in surprise. “Oh? What’re we celebrating tonight, then?”
Ed responded with a shrug. “I dunno. You cooking a roast, I suppose. You know I love ‘em.”
Stede did know.
☼
Ed is coming over for dinner tonight, again. I know he adores my roasts so I have to make it perfect.
I hope he stays over again tonight. Waking up either in the same bed or even the same building as him makes my heart warm. I love it. I love him.
☼
Later on in the day, Ed was strolling over to Stede’s side of campus, purely because his department had the best colour printer for some odd reason. Ed wasn’t complaining, though. It just meant he could also fit in an impromptu visit to Stede whilst he was there.
Stede must be the most oblivious man on Earth. He had lost track of how many times he had flirted with his best friend or hinted at something more. Had Stede just purposely not noticed that Ed had practically moved in with him at this point? He spent more time at Stede’s than he did his own home, so much so that he had his own bedroom drawer in Stede’s bedroom and his own corner in the living room where he could work on his art. Ed bringing Charlotte over was pretty much a nudge to say ‘ just ask me to move in already! What’s the point in me paying rent if I don’t live there?!’
Whilst being in love with your best friend certainly had its perks, it made Ed hopelessly miserable. Stede didn’t know it but every time he made Ed’s tea exactly how he liked it (splash of milk and seven sugars, please) or every time Stede just assumed Ed was crashing at his place overnight, Ed fell in love with him a little bit more. Ed would never get tired of gazing at his beautiful best friend, admiring how his perfect golden locks curled perfectly on his little perfect head. Yeah, he was done for.
When the printer had finished, Ed gathered the pieces of paper in his arm and made his way to the classroom he knew Stede’d be in. Just for a quick little chat, he supposed. There was no reason why he was paying him a little visit, but there way no way in hell Ed would turn down seeing Stede, even if it was just for a couple seconds.
As he approached the classroom, though, he heard two voices coming from inside, one of them being undoubtedly Stede’s.
“All I’m saying is that you and Ed definitely have the hots for each other, and I don’t see the harm pursuing it!” Ed had no clue who that voice belonged to, but it made him blush furiously nonetheless. This guy has the right idea!
“Lucius, I have no idea what you’re talking about. Me and Ed are friends, that’s it.” Stede replied. Not exactly what Ed was hoping to hear but beggars can’t be choosers.
“Oh I’m not a bloody idiot, I can smell your attraction to him from ten miles away! Stop being so stubborn!” Ed would have to smooch this guy in appreciation.
Stede was dead silent, which Ed couldn’t decide was a good sign or not. He was holding his breath in anticipation when his whole world practically came crumbling down.
“I don’t like Ed that way at all. He’s not my type whatsoever, I couldn’t ever imagine being with him like that. Now please, Lucius, I’m trying to get this done. Leave me alone.”
And that was that, really. Ed turned his back and walked away in silence. He definitely wasn’t crying.
☼
It had been three days of radio silence, and Stede’s heart was breaking by the minute. Ed hadn’t turned up for dinner the other night and he had done so without a word, leaving Stede sat at the dinner table, everything set up, candles lit and an empty chair opposite him. He had completely lost his appetite when he realised Ed wasn’t actually coming and so a lot of food went to waste. He was sobbing as he was chucking it all in the bin.
Ed wasn’t answering his messages or phone calls either. It had been so serious that Stede needed to message Izzy to make sure that Ed was actually still alive, all to be told that Ed ‘didn’t want to speak to him’ and wanted ‘nothing to do with him right now’.
Stede was hopelessly clinging on to that ‘right now’ because it was the only thing telling him that this silent treatment wouldn’t last forever.
He was racking through his brain trying to find something he had said or done that would have upset Ed in such a way, but he could think of nothing. The last time they had been together, they were closer than ever, smiling at each other over the promise of dinner later on in the day. He was making himself sick with worry and the thought of Ed leaving him forever made him throw up in the toilet. This was doing wonders for his abandonment issues.
To make matters worse, he went through his diary, re-reading all of the entries he had made about Ed in his lovesick haze.
December 24th 1998
It’s Christmas Eve! And who am I spending it with, you ask? Oh don’t be silly, of course I’m spending it with Ed!
Sadly tomorrow I will have to spend the day with my mother and father. Ed knows how much I am not looking forward to it and he is just as heartbroken that he cannot spend Christmas day with me. I think we are each other’s favourite person. There is no other explanation for us being sad whenever we can’t spend time together.
We are spending the night baking Christmas treats like peppermint cookies and building gingerbread houses and I can’t wait. I think I want to do something special for him. This is the first Christmas eve we have spent together (for some reason!).
(Update! Ed bought mistletoe and we kissed each other on the cheeks. I was blushing so hard I felt faint. He’s so silly)
November 24th 2002
Ed’s 21st birthday! I have to make this day extra extra special for him. I was thinking a mixtape? I don’t have too much money which I feel awful about, I want to gift Ed something extravagant and beautiful, much like himself. But getting hours at work is difficult and I’m struggling to keep up with school as it is. I really hope he doesn’t mind.
(Update! He didn’t mind at all. Infact, he told me that it’s the little things that mean the most. I’m writing this as he is sound asleep on the left side of my tiny bed after spending the last hour listening to the mixtape I made for him. I’m sure I saw a tear fall down his soft cheek, but I didn’t say anything.)
Looking back at their love story, Stede couldn’t help but let the tears fall. When had it gone so wrong? He picked up his newer diary, the one he was using nowadays. He knew this was the diary which contained all the entries of him finding out he was in love with his best friend. Why was he torturing himself?
He was looking for one specific entry. August 2nd 2017, where are you…
August 2nd 2017
I’m falling in love with him. There is nothing I can do to stop it, but I don’t know if I want to, anyway.
On further reflection, I think I have always been in love with him. Ever since we locked eyes in Miss Jordan’s English class, we have become inseparable. Like an illness I hope they never find a cure for.
Sometimes I just sit and gaze at him when he’s not looking. His hair, so sublime and silky, cascading down his broad, tattooed shoulders. I want to thread my fingers through it (I have many times but I want to do it again and again and again). I want to press my lips softly to his temple and tell him I think he’s beautiful, because God he has not been told enough.
Call me cliche but if somebody were to ask me to define beauty in the world, I would say Him. There is nothing more breathtaking than him. I don’t know if there was a creator of this world, but His existence is more than enough proof for there being one. Such wonder and beauty in a human being surely cannot be a coincidence; it had to have been crafted by the hands of a God.
Gosh, I overwhelm myself sometimes.
Ed is coming over for dinner tonight, again. I can’t wait. I hope I don’t make a fool out of myself.
☼
The thunder outside is roaring, and there is a ball of anxiety rolling around in Stede’s stomach. Something feels wrong, something isn’t right.
The rain was relentless, splattering down on the ground with no mercy. He just hopes Ed is home by now… the thought of him driving back from work in this weather makes him nauseous.
He was nervously picking at his fingers, a habit he had had since he was a child.
When the anxiety got bad, Ed would take his hands and run his thumb over his knuckles, stopping him from making his fingers bleed. Ed always knew what to do. Ed knew him so well. Nobody knew him like Ed knew him.
A knock on the door.
“Who on Earth?” Stede muttered as he got up from in front of his fireplace. Who in their right minds would venture out in this abhorrent weather?
He opened the door, and a soaking, shivering Ed was standing right in front of him. He was biting his lips, which Stede then noticed were bordering on blue.
“Ed?! What are you doing in this weather, you’ll catch your death!” Stede panicked. “Why aren’t you at work? Or home?” He stressed, trying to instantly rush Ed into the warmth of his house.
“Please can I stay here tonight?” He mumbled, looking down at his feet. Was he crying? Stede’s heart broke.
Everything that had happened over the past few days had been forgotten. “Of course you can, my darling, come on.” Ed flinched at the pet name. “I’ll make you some soup.”
Words between the two went unspoken. Ed slowly sipped the chicken soup Stede had whipped up for him. He was obviously still hurting, and Stede desperately wanted to know what was wrong with his best friend. A part of him was missing these past three days, and he knew Ed felt the same. The longest they’d spent apart was five days and that was six years ago, and when they reunited they didn’t let go of one another until they both fell asleep in front of the TV.
However, the pain this time was unbearable. They’d never gone no contact. What happened? Stede was screaming at the top of his lungs.
Stede didn’t want to press, but he had to know. There was no way Ed was rocking up to his house at such a late hour, a shivering blue mess, and not telling him what was wrong.
“Ed, please talk to me. What happened ?” the blonde pleaded, his eyebrows furrowing in desperation.
Ed, wrapped in two of Stede’s softest woollen blankets, looked down at his lap, his eyes welling up with tears once again. He sniffed and Stede couldn’t help but think it was the most adorable thing he’d ever heard. All of a sudden, Ed took his hands in his, separating them.
“Hey, don’t do that, you’ll hurt yourself.” He whispered, brows knitted together. Stede hadn’t even noticed he’d begun picking at the skin on his fingers, overflowing with anxiety. When he realised that despite all that happened between them the past three days, Ed still couldn’t stand to see him in pain, he broke down.
“Please tell me what happened between us Ed, it’s been killing me. I don’t know how to live or breathe without you. Please.”
This, though, made Ed back off, and instead of sadness in his eyes, Stede spotted fury. “Oh? I thought you could manage just fine without me since I don’t mean that much to you.” He hissed.
Stede was taken aback. “What? What on Earth made you think that?” he questioned. He had never been more confused in his life. Ed didn’t mean that much to him? Ed was everything to him. And that was putting it lightly.
“You have pretty selective memory, huh?” He unwrapped himself from the blankets and stood up, taking his empty bowl over to the kitchen to wash it up. He wouldn’t allow Stede to say these things to him, leading him on, making him feel like he meant something to him. He knew better.
“Ed, please, I have no idea what you’re talking about.” The blonde followed his best friend into the kitchen, not taking his eyes off him. “Ed,” He whispered, bringing a hand up to the other man’s cheek attempting to brush away the lock of hair that was covering the other half of his face. However, in the flash of light, Ed grabbed his wrist and flung his hand away.
“ Don’t use that voice on me and don’t touch me,” He begged. “I can’t take it, Stede. Stop being so cruel.” He choked back a sob and clenched his eyes shut, gripping the sides of the kitchen counter and hanging his head down. Stede could see he was shaking. Whether that was with sadness or rage, he couldn’t tell. He didn’t like that Ed had put up this wall between them so it was so much more difficult to read him. They had broken down each other’s barriers years ago and Stede hated that they were back up.
“All my life, all I have wanted to be is loved,” Ed started. “I have never felt love, Stede. My dad was a deadbeat who beat me black and blue , my mum died before she knew me long enough to love me. You were all I had. You were, are, it for me, Stede. And it’s so fucking hard to come to terms with the fact that not even you love me, so please, don’t use that voice on me. Don’t touch me like that, I can’t take it. I need to heal.” The heartbreak in his voice make Stede want to fall to his knees and pray to whatever God resided above them to make Ed’s pain be vanished in a second.
But what was he talking about?
‘You were, are, it for me, Stede’.
‘To come to terms with the fact that not even you love me.’
‘I need to heal’.
What was he saying?
Was it possible…no. Even so, Stede needed to put a stop to his suffering.
“What are you saying, Ed? You mean everything to me, what in God’s name has got you thinking any different?”
Ed hesitated for a second, like the words that were about to come out of his mouth made him want to physically throw up. “I heard you and Lucius talking. About how you couldn’t imagine anything worse than being with me.”
And then it all made sense. It all came crashing down onto Stede like a tsunami.
“I don’t like Ed that way at all. He’s not my type whatsoever, I couldn’t ever imagine being with him like that. Now please, Lucius, I’m trying to get this done. Leave me alone.”
Oh fuck. He was a fucking idiot.
Ed knew he had realised because he turned away from him, unable to bear hearing the words fall from his lips a second time.
“Ed, oh, my darling Ed, I am so sorry.” Stede tried to place his hand on his shoulder, only to be shrugged off.
“Stede, stop it. ”
Stede shook his head. “No, Ed. I won’t. I won’t because I love you, I love you so much and I refuse to let you go on believing for another second that I don’t.”
Ed turned around slowly, and Stede’s heart broke at the sight of his face; the remnants of tears were present on his delicate cheeks, and Stede lifted his hands to his face, wiping them away with his thumbs.
“What you heard me say to Lucius the other day was me trying my very best to get him to back off. All he does is pester me about my feelings for you, and granted I went about it in the absolute worst way possible but, God, Ed. In the past 29 years, not a day has passed where I haven’t wanted to melt into you and be so close to you that my own self disappears.” He takes a breath. “I adore you.”
He smiles softly and everything inside me moves. Oh, love, love.
“And if you don’t believe me, my darling, which I wouldn’t blame you for,” Stede steps away from him and scurries to his bedroom, retrieving three books kept inside his bedside drawer. He presents them to Ed, one battered and bruised and the other two looking somewhat pristine. “If you don’t believe me, you can read through these.”
Ed took the books in hand, flicking through the pages. When he realised these were Stede’s diaries, dating all the way back to 1993, the year they met, his eyes filled with tears yet again. Whilst Stede was a little upset he’d made Ed cry again, at least this time it was for the right reason.
“The day you spoke to me in English, I started up a diary. And I have kept one ever since. Almost every entry is about you and how much I love and appreciate you.”
Ed was sniffling, wiping his tears on his shoulder as he was flicking through. And when he got to the entry made on August 2nd, 2017, he read it through three times and closed the book. He placed it on the counter and looked Stede straight in the eyes. Stede hated when he managed to look straight into his soul like this, he could hide nothing.
But maybe he didn’t have to hide anything anymore?
“I’m sorry, I can’t put into words how sorry I am, Ed. If I have ruined this, I understand. Just know that I do love you, more than life itself. And if-”
Stede didn’t even manage to finish his sentence before warm palms were placed on the sides of his face and a pair of soft lips were colliding with his. It was like they both let out two huge sighs of relief as they fell into it, walls broken down for a second time yet this time felt wholly different. Wholly good.
Lips were moving together in unison, and it was like they were born for this moment. 29 years of longing for each other's affections were being poured into their mouths. It was suffocating, but if they were to be suffocated to death, let them die like this.
Ed opened his mouth and softly licked Stede’s upper lip, inviting him in. It would be false to say that they were kissing softly, though, but 29 years of pent up longing and sexual tension meant that neither of them wanted to go slow. Stede allowed himself to indulge in running his fingers through Ed’s damp hair, pulling slightly which, to Stede’s surprise and delight, resulted in a quiet moan leaving Ed’s mouth.
There was no point in waiting anymore. Ed backed Stede up against the kitchen counter, trailing wet kisses down his face, down to his neck and collarbone. Fingers dug into Ed’s head of hair, clinging on for dear life, and Stede nuzzled his face down into the locks, eyes squinted shut in pleasure.
“Ed, please.” He groaned, wanting nothing more than to be absolutely surrounded by his lover. Two hands made their way down the blonde’s trembling body, placing themselves subtly over his ass, squeezing. Ed was smiling mischeviously.
“What do you want from me, angel?” Ed whispered seductively into Stede’s ear, trailing his tongue over the lobe. “I’ll give you anything and everything.”
They met each other’s gazes.
“Tell me you love me.” Stede pleaded. Ed’s eyes searched his face and dove in for his lips once again, like he couldn’t get enough. When they parted, a trail of saliva followed their mouths as Ed laid his forehead against Stede’s.
“I love you, and I will love you until I die,” Ed murmured, placing stolen kisses on his eyelids. “And if I die, and if there is life after that, I will love you then.”
☼
May 4th 2023
Last night I saw stars. Ed made me see stars. God, he was perfect. He has always been perfect and he always will be. He is perfect as I am gazing at him whilst I am writing this. He is sleeping peacefully, shirtless, in my bed, his soft snores filling the room and filling my heart.
I felt such desire for him, such intense and fierce desire, that I was trembling.
He was so soft, so careful, but so passionate. As he parted my legs and whispered ‘I love you’s’ in my hair, I realised I had never been happier than I have been in that moment. He entered me and at that moment, I believed in Heaven. He was my Heaven.
I am drunk on Edward Teach and I never want to get sober.
God I love him.
And he loves me too.