Chapter Text
His eyes were glued to the bright screen of his phone, comment after comment flooding his mentions, insults being flung around, uncaring of whether it hit its target or not, but intending to do as much damage as possible. Each word was sharper than the last. Each derogatory slur cutting deeper than the one before.
It wasn’t all hurtful - some comments were supportive, filled with hearts that were bright red, but all they did was blend in with the blood that oozed out of his bruised and battered body.
“I told you not to go on social media, hyung!” Namjoon chastised, snatching the phone away from Jin’s grip. “As your friend, this is the last thing you should be doing.”
“And as my manager?” Jin mumbled. He might not be able to see the screen anymore, but that didn’t mean that the after effects of the comments didn’t linger.
Namjoon sighed, sitting down on the couch next to Jin, placing a supportive hand on his knee, “Just lie low for a bit.”
Jin wrung his hands together, hanging his head low. His entire life just flipped on its back and sent him spinning on his axis, unable to find the force to pull him back.
“It’s all gone, isn’t it, Joon? The brands. The offers for dramas. The sponsorships….The fans….They just - They’re gone.” Jin muttered, his heart sinking down into his chest, not even having the strength to break. It just deflated. Laid in the rubble that was the destruction from the comments.
Namjoon said nothing. He just sat with Jin and hoped that his warmth would help weld the broken pieces back together.
“I should have checked that no one was recording. I should have looked around and -” Jin said, voice heavy and wet.
“This isn’t your fault, hyung. You did nothing wrong.”
Jin couldn’t stop staring at the spot on his carpet. When did he get that stain? Was it from that burrito that he dropped on the morning after months ago with one of the extras on set? Or maybe it was from that one takeaway he had from that horrible date with his co-star from that guest appearance on the drama where his shirtless scene went viral. No, that couldn’t be it. Maybe it was from that one time -
“Hyung. You’re listening to me, right? You know this wasn’t your fault, don’t you, hyung?” Namjoon urged, needing him to understand; to listen.
Jin said nothing.
“You didn’t know that someone was filming-”
“If I were kissing a girl, this wouldn’t have happened, Namjoon-ah,” Jin deadpanned, finally tearing his eyes away from the stain to look at Namjoon.
“Being gay isn’t a bad thing. It’s not something to be ashamed of.” Namjoon said, scooting closer, tightening his grip on Jin’s knee.
“I’m not ashamed of being gay-” Jin said but cut himself off. “Namjoon-ah….I know - Logically, in my head, I know that being gay isn’t wrong but in the industry that I’m in and the work that I do…the society that we live in….Joon-ah, this decision may have just costed me my entire career, and put hundreds of people that I work in out of a job….Including you.”
“This isn’t going to make you lose your career, hyung.” Namjoon said, not knowing if what he was saying was true or not.
“You don’t have to lie to me.” Jin muttered.
Namjoon didn’t know what to do, or say, to make Jin feel better. He was desperate, trying to grasp at anything, even the smallest bit of hope to try and give Jin a reason to believe that this wasn’t his fault.
Like a miracle, his phone started to ring.
“Take it.” Jin told him, “It’s not like I’m going anywhere.”
Namjoon took his phone out and slid the icon to accept the call.
“Hello?” He started off, scared that this would be another sponsor wanting to talk about dropping Jin, “Yes this is Kim Namjoon, manager of Kim Seokjin…..Yes? Okay. Wait, what?”
Namjoon’s head snapped up to look at Jin, jaw dropping at what he was hearing.
“What? What is it?”
A flicker of hope ignited in his burnt out chest, flying just a little higher than the rubble of his career, and the remains of his hopes and dreams.
“He’ll do it! Yeah, he’ll definitely do it.” Namjoon said with the brightest grin, his eyes sparkling once again as he thanked the people on the other side of the phone before hanging up.
“This seems like good news. Is it good news? Please, Joonie, tell me it’s good news.” Jin rambled, words tumbling out faster than he could think them.
“It’s good news.” Namjoon confirmed, “That was the producer of We Got Married. They saw the discourse online and they decided that they were going to do a Gay Special to show everyone that being gay was okay. They want you.”
“Who - Who is the other gay person?” Jin asked, still processing the information.
“Min Yoongi, or better known as the rapper Agust D.”
“No.”
“Yoongi hyung you haven’t even heard-” Hoseok tried to say, already pouting as he clutched his phone closer to his chest.
“I don’t care. My answer is no.” Yoongi said, turning his chair back around to face his multiple monitors on his studio table.
Hoseok huffed, “Hyung, don’t make me pull out the big guns.”
“Is that what you’re calling your dick these days?” Yoongi said, not taking his eyes off of the screen as the sounds of his mouse filled up the studio.
“You leave me with no choice.” Hoseok warned him, giving him one final chance to change his mind.
“If you’re going to jerk off, at least have the decency to do it in the bathroom, Hoba.” Yoongi muttered.
Hoseok walked forward and spun Yoongi’s chair around, caging him in with his arms as he leaned down and got close to his face, “You’re Agust D, one of the only openly queer people in this entire industry. You have seen with your own two eyes how many queer people suffer because of internalised homophobia and because of how cruel society can be. You keep saying that you want to change the world but if all you’re doing is putting out music and not walking the talk, then what’s the point, hyung? There’s an actor right now that’s being torn to shreds because a picture of him kissing another man is making its rounds around social media. You’re being offered a chance to help him, to help the world see that being gay is normal and instead of doing that, you’re sitting here making another track about how the world sucks and all you can do is live your best life?”
Hoseok’s chest heaved up and down as he spat out nothing but the truth at Yoongi, taking a breath before he continued - “Are you really going to allow yourself to be a hypocrite, Yoongi hyung? Are you really going to be able to go to sleep at night knowing that you had a chance to make life a little bit better for gay people all over the world but actively chose not to do anything about it?”
Hoseok stood straighter now, taking a step backwards as he leaned against the wall, crossing his arms over his chest, letting his words sink down onto Yoongi, trying to hide his smirk when he saw Yoongi blink blankly as he processed that rant.
Yoongi finally looked up and in a small voice he just said, “…you could have said please.”
Hoseok cocked an eyebrow, “Would you have done it if I did?”
“No.”
“Then I did what was necessary,” Hoseok shrugged.
Yoongi kept silent.
“So, what am I telling the producers?” Hoseok asked him.
“I’m not sharing a bed with him.” Yoongi said.
“You have to,” Hoseok told him.
“Okay fine but I want the left side.” Yoongi grumbled, turning back to his monitors.
The cameras were jarring and Yoongi could barely concentrate on anything else other than how hot the lights were making the room. He could feel a bead of sweat roll down his back as he sat, alone, in front of a stool in an unknown studio.
He looked around trying to find a familiar face but couldn’t even locate Hoseok in the middle of all the chaos.
“Are you sure blue is the right choice?” One of the stylists said as they glanced to the side, brush hanging off their hand as they fixed the collar of his shirt, “It doesn’t really scream Agust D does it?”
“Should we change him?” The other stylist said back, louder than the hustle and bustle of the studio.
“Agust D-ssi,” She said but Yoongi corrected her.
“It’s just Yoongi.”
“Yoongi-ssi, would you mind following my colleague so that we can get you into another wardrobe, please?” She asked with a sickly sweet smile on her face.
Yoongi did as he was told. He was good at that - following instructions (despite what his music would have you believe.)
When he walked out of the dressing room, changed into a simple plain black t-shirt that was tucked into a pair of distressed blue jeans, there was a new face on set. If Yoongi blinked hard enough, he could swear that there was a faint halo behind his head and slicked back hair. Yoongi had no idea who he was, but if he had to guess, he would probably say Royalty; or at least someone close to it.
He swallowed harshly and walked towards the set.
“Where do you want me?” He asked in a gruff voice.
The director walked forward with the Prince walking close by.
“So here’s what I’m thinking,” The director told them, “Yoongi walks up first, introduces himself, answers some questions and then we bring Seokjin up where he would be doing the same thing. Basically this is for the trailer and the pilot episode where we would be a look into your lives individually and little fun facts here and there and then we’ll move on to getting you two married.”
The prince, or Seokjin as the Director called him, nodded, listening intently, looking like he had questions but decided to bite his tongue instead.
“You two know each other, right?” The director asked.
They shook their heads, neither one verbally answering.
“Well, we’re behind schedule, so I guess you can meet after we shoot. But for now all you have to know is that this is Min Yoongi, better known as Agust D and this is Kim Seokjin the actor.” The director said, not giving them any time to shake hands or even look at each other before they were escorted to where they needed to be.
“Yoongi, you’re going to walk slowly into the set, sit on the chair and then I want you to move a little as you settle down. Once you’re ready, look into the camera and we’ll start asking you the questions, okay?” The director said.
Yoongi nodded.
“And Jin, I want you to watch because this is exactly how you’re going to do it. You can make it your own if you want but this is the formula,” The director told him, “When you walk in, we’re going to make it look like you’re at your own set so try not to walk too close to Yoongi’s side of the set. Your mark is by the green tape on the floor.”
“Yes sir,” Jin said.
Yoongi cocked an eyebrow. Jin’s voice was low; nervous almost, like he’s never been on a set before. Wasn’t he supposed to be an actor? Was he a rookie? No, that couldn’t be right. Yoongi was sure that he’d seen Jin in a few movies, but for the life of him, he couldn’t recall in this moment right now.
“Ready?” The director called out, pulling Yoongi back into reality and away from his mind.
He nodded again. He really should start using his voice or else it’s going to come out gruff and gravelly during the shoot.
“Action!” The director screamed, his voice echoing around the studio.
Yoongi walked slowly towards the set, his black boots stepping onto the pristine white carpet that was laid out. He sat down on the brown stool that was surprisingly comfortable and exaggerated his movements as he tried to sit properly onto the stool, crossing his legs. He looked up at the camera slowly and waited for his next instructions.
“Hi.” The producer read out from the script.
“Hello.”Yoongi greeted, bowing his head ever so slightly.
“Can you tell us your name and what you do?” She asked.
“My name is Min Yoongi and I’m a rapper. I rap under the name Agust D.” He said.
“What kind of qualities do you look for in a man?” She asked.
“I don’t really limit myself to gender,” Was the first thing that Yoongi said, nails digging themselves into his jeans, hiding it away from the camera as he spoke, playing with the threads of the ripped jeans, “I honestly just look at the personality of the person. I gauge the person that they are based on the conversations that we have and the way that they carry themselves. I don’t care about what’s in between the person's legs. Frankly, all I care about is the kind of person that they are and if we match well together.”
“What would you say is your best quality as a boyfriend?”
“I think my best quality is that I’m a good listener.” Yoongi said, uncrossing his legs to hook his ankles over one another, “I can also make a really good meal. I love to cook and my mom always teased me that it would make my future partner really happy.”
For the first time since that morning, Yoongi let out a genuine smile.
“Are you close with your parents?” She asked, leaning in, more interested now, veering off script.
From the corner of his eye, Yoongi caught Jin biting at his nail, shifting his weight from one foot to the other.
Yoongi nodded, “We’re very close. My parents are the ones who believed in me enough to let me make mistakes, to fall, to get back up and try again.”
“Do they know about your sexuality?”
He nodded again, “They do. I won’t lie and say that my parents totally accepted, or even understood it at first. People of their generation tend to only think that there are two types of sexuality - gay and straight. They didn’t understand what it meant to be queer. To be honest, when I started to discover myself, I didn’t know what it meant either. I thought that I had to use a label. I too thought that I could only be gay or straight. But I liked both boys and girls. Then I realised that there was something called bisexuality. But more than that, I realised that there weren’t just two genders. There was this entire spectrum, an entire worldview with both sexuality and gender that I was learning about day by day. It took me a long time and a lot of research to finally decide that I wasn’t going to label myself. I’m queer and that’s enough for me.”
“How did your parents understand it? Did they finally come to terms with it like you did?”
“It took a while. They had a lot of questions and I was still learning about the answers.” Yoongi said, eyebrows furrowing at the memories of long silences and heated arguments, “It wasn’t an easy road. There were….There were days where we wouldn’t talk to each other. Other days where all we did was scream and shout and bang doors and tables. But at the end of the day I think that we realised that rather than losing and breaking up family over something like sexuality, we could learn something new. We could embrace the change and help other families understand that love is love; and just because it’s a different love than we’re used to, it doesn’t make it wrong.”
Yoongi glanced over at Jin, eyes glossy, sheen of tears over his brown eyes making it look like a muddy puddle as he looked up at the ceiling to stop the tears from ruining his make up.
Yoongi knew the struggle. He understood what it was like to be at odds with yourself; with the people around you. Maybe he judged Jin too soon. Maybe, he was someone that Yoongi could help too.
“Do you know what you’re here for today?” She asked, putting her cue cards down, knowing that she would never be on camera.
Yoongi nodded, “I’m here for the newest season of We Got Married.”
“Would you say that you’re marriage material?” She asked, moving ever so slightly so the camera could readjust and focus on a close up shot of Yoongi.
“I would like to think so?” Yoongi said as a question more than an actual answer, “I can’t really answer that. Maybe I’ll ask my husband that by the end of the season.”
“Speaking of husband-” She said as he glanced off to the side where Jin was trying to school his face from one of nervousness to something more stoic, “Have you heard about yours yet?”
“No,” Yoongi lied, “I was told it would be a surprise for when I come on set.”
“Have you heard about Kim Seokjin?”
“Wow! Really? Of course I have! My mother is obsessed with him.” Yoongi said. This time it wasn’t a lie, but he could see Jin deflate ever so slightly from relief. Yoongi really wanted to see what a smile, a real genuine smile, looked on his face, “She calls him her son in law whenever she talks to me; so really she would be the happiest out of this whole arrangement.”
“I look forward to filming the family episode with her then,” She laughed.
Jin stiffened up again.
“So, Min Yoongi, are you ready to be married?”
He smiled, “I am.”
“CUT!” The director yelled and a sound of the bell rang in the background.
“Kim Seokjin-ssi, we are ready for you now,” The same producer said as she walked over to him, “Are you all mic’d up?”
“Yes,” He answered with the same plastic smile he’d been carrying around all day.
Yoongi couldn’t help but wonder exactly how heavy that smile was, and how fast and far it dropped when he was alone.
“Actually, PD-nim, can I have a second with Seokjin-ssi?” Yoongi found himself saying, getting off the stool and walking towards them.
“Oh. You two haven’t met yet?” She asked.
“No. Not formally.” Yoongi said.
“We have 5 minutes before Seokjin-ssi has to be interviewed,” She warned.
“Thank you.” Yoongi smiled politely.
Yoongi looked around at everyone who was crowding them and shot them a polite smile that he hoped relayed the message about him wanting to talk to Jin alone.
“Uhh, why don’t we go over there by the snack bar? I have some questions about the schedules,” Hoseok said, shooting Yoongi a look.
Namjoon hung back, hovering around Jin.
“Why don’t you go with them?” Jin said politely.
“Hyung-”
Jin nodded slightly and cleared his throat as he stuffed his jeans with his hands. A heavy weight settled on his chest; actually, if he was being honest with himself, this weight has always been on his chest. He’d only recently become aware of how soul crushing the weight was; how it lingered on his chest making it hard for him to breathe.
“Seokjin-ssi,” Yoongi started.
“Ah, we’re going to be married, Yoongi. We should be more casual with each other, don’t you think?” Jin smiled.
“Jin hyung?” Yoongi tried.
“That’s better.”
“Jin hyung,” Yoongi said again, like the start of a sentence he didn’t have an end to, but somehow still felt right.
“Yoongi.” Jin replied, hands almost balled up in his jeans, still uncomfortable but hiding it well.
“Are you excited to be a husband?” Yoongi asked, making small talk.
He didn’t know how to breach the actual topic. He wanted Jin to be comfortable with him. He wanted to shield him from the world, yet, he didn’t know how to shield him from the fear that he held within himself. How could he push the innermost demons that Jin had? How could he tell him that everything would be okay; that there was nothing to fix because he was never broken. Just different. But his different, was the same as Yoongi’s, and that no matter what happened, Jin wasn’t alone.
“Ah, Yoongi, don’t you know,” Jin said with that same fake plastered and manicured smile, that somehow had some bit of venom in it, “I was born for this job. I am the Nations Son In Law….or…I was, at least.”
“You still are.” Yoongi reassured him gently.
Jin shook his head and redirected the conversation, “I heard you might just beat me for the title though! A good listener and a man who can cook? You sound like every person’s dream.”
“Right now, I just care that I’m your dream,” Yoongi told him.
“Careful, Yoongi-ssi, someone may think you’re falling in love with me.” Jin tried to joke off, but Yoongi could see the blush rising on his neck, going all the way to his already reddened tips of his ears.
“Isn’t that the plan?” Yoongi dropped his eye into a wink, hoping that he eased just a little bit of Jin’s burden.
“Excuse me, Jin-ssi? We’re ready for you on set,” The producer said, bowing in apology.
“Good luck out there, Jin hyung. I’ll be watching from right here; like a good husband would,” Yoongi said with an extra bright smile.
“We’re not married yet, Yoongi,” Jin laughed, his eyes crinkling by its side, less plastic than it was.
Yoongi couldn’t wait to see what his real smile looked like.
“Call it practice then.”
Just as Jin was leaving, he turned around, swallowing nervously. He hesitated, thinking twice about what he was going to say but deciding to take the plunge anyway, “Yoongi, does….does your mom- does she still like me?”
“She doesn’t have a reason not to, hyung. You haven’t done anything wrong,” Yoongi said smoothly. He knew where the insecurity stemmed for and he couldn’t blame Jin for thinking otherwise. He’d read the comments thrown at him. He saw the bad mixed with the good and knew that as an entertainer, which ones Jin would focus on more. “Hyung, you’re not a different person just because that picture leaked. You’re the same person that you’ve always been. The person that you are doesn’t change because you like a certain gender.”
Jin nodded and tried his best to smile but Yoongi knew that he didn’t believe a thing that was said to him.
“I’ll see you after filming.” Jin said, waving at Yoongi before following the producer to set.
“So, you’re going to walk from that side, right from the blue mark to the stool, just the way Yoongi-ssi did. The questions will be asked the same way.” She said, pausing before she asked, “Any questions?”
Jin shook his head and got ready for the shot, getting into a completely different mindset than what he was before. He wasn’t Jin, the boy who got outed against his will, but he was Kim Seokjin, the actor. This was merely another part that he had to play.
“Quiet on set!” The Director yelled, checking the viewfinder that had multiple views of the camera, “Shen, make sure Camera C is focused on the floor, it looks blurry.”
The cameraman took a couple of seconds to focus the shot and nodded as he put his thumb out.
“Ready….aaaaand ACTION!”
Jin started to walk slowly, making sure that the heels of his branded boots clicked against the white tiled floor. He strode to the stool and sat on it, crossing his ankles and placing his hands on his knees. He looked up at the camera and shot it an award winning smile.
“Hello.” The producer greeted, the same way that she did for Yoongi.
“Hi.” Jin smiled.
“Can you introduce yourself and tell us what you do?” She asked.
“My name is Kim Seokjin and I’m an actor,” He said, a little guarded, but still trying to put on his best front.
“Seokjin-ssi, you’ve had an eventful few weeks,” She said, reading off her script.
Jin moved his eyes away to look at Namjoon but couldn’t find him anywhere. His eyes landed to Yoongi who wouldn’t look away. Jin swallowed nervously, reminding himself to breathe when he felt his chest weighed down. Yoongi held eye contact, maintained it, and wouldn’t let Jin look away. He nodded slowly, letting Jin know that it was okay.
“Yes.” Jin said finally, not looking away from Yoongi who smiled at him now.
‘You can do this.” Yoongi mouthed at Jin, stepping away from the wall, positioning himself behind a camera so it looked like Jin was looking directly at the camera and not away from it.
“These past few weeks have been…intense. There was a picture of me that got leaked and I was outed without my knowledge or consent. My sexuality…” Jin cleared his throat. He could feel tears pricking the back of his eyes thinking about how he needed to turn his phone off to avoid the calls, to avoid seeking out the comments, to avoid his family who didn’t know about his preferences when it came to love; to avoid the world by and large.
“Do you need a minute?” The producer asked quietly.
Jin shook his head. He looked up again and found Yoongi still in the same position. He saw Yoongi’s hand twitch like he was reaching for Jin but quickly retracted himself.
“My sexuality was never anyone’s business but mine. I know the line of work that I am makes me a public figure and I know that I do share a lot of myself with the world, but this was something that I didn’t want to make public yet; or at all maybe. I was always in the closet; very, very deep into it, not even ready to face it myself if I’m honest but this person….they just spread that picture around and it’s really….it just….It wasn’t right to be outed against my will. I wouldn’t wish this upon anyone, let alone my worst enemies.”
“What was the hardest part about this?” She asked.
“Some people would say that it’s the fans that I’ve lost, or even the brands that dropped me, but really it’s the fact that my family had to find out this way.” Jin looked down and forced himself to clench his eyes shut so that the tears didn’t have an avenue to leave.
The producer looked at the director, silently asking if they should cut, but the director shook his head.
Yoongi took a step forward, wanting nothing more than to shield Jin from the world. Coming out on your own terms was hard enough as it was for Yoongi and he didn’t have the worlds eyes on him, all he had were his family and that was a struggle in itself.
He wanted to shield Jin. Wanted to hold him in his arms and tell him that it was okay. He knew how hard this battle of knowing you’re gay, knowing that there are prejudiced people out there ready to fight you just because they are not willing to accept or learn about the differences that humanity has, was. He knew that this battle was never ending and it always starts and end with yourself first, rather than with the world.
He knew that most of all, the battle can only be won when you were willing to accept yourself first, before you showed the world your colours and asked to be accepted by them too.
“Outing someone takes away their autonomy and their choice.” Jin said finally, sniffling as he looked up to the camera, eyes red rimmed, tears brimming the edges of it, “And that choice to tell my family was taken away from me too. That choice to tell them who I really am was taken away from me and I don’t think I will ever get that back.”
“Have you spoken to your family since that day?”
“I would rather not answer that question.” Jin said shakily, trying his best to smile, but it never reached the edges, “Next question, please.”
“Let’s move on to something lighter now,” She said, “What kind of qualities do you look for in a boyfriend?”
Jin smiled, shoulders sagging from relief, “Hmm, I look for someone I can rely on. Someone who I know will cheer me on, support me when I need it. I look for someone who celebrates my highs and cries with me at my lows. Someone who knows me for me and accepts me for who I am, who loves me for me, Jin, rather than Kim Seokjin. I look for someone who’s loyal and honest and who’ll never give up on me, no matter how hard things get.”
Jin wiped his hands on his jeans as he spoke, baring his heart out for people to see - seemingly saying, Look! Look at how I am just the same as you. All I want is a life partner. Is it so bad that the only difference between us is the fact that when I love, I love someone of the same gender as me? Is that my crime? Love? Is that why you hate me? Does it make sense to hate the purest thing in the world?
Underneath the pleading was a small - Am I really that irredeemable just because I’m gay?
Jin turned to the producer for the next question, feeling more raw and vulnerable at the fact that the person he was in front of the camera wasn’t a character; wasn’t scripted the way it usually was. This was him; and he was showing the deepest parts of himself.
“That’s really romantic, Jin-ssi.” She said, continuing the questions, “Now let’s look at you. What do you think makes you a good boyfriend?”
Jin laughed, “I mean I am called the Nation’s Son In Law for a reason.” He dropped his eye into a wink, “I think that I’d make a good boyfriend. I can cook and I’m told by my best friend that I give really good advice and that I’m funny!”
“I’ve seen your cooking on your Instagram stories. The steak was my favourite.” The producer said with a kind smile.
Yoongi hung back, noticing how Jin seemed more at ease now. Not fully, but at least it looked like a little bit of weight was lifted off his shoulders.
“I do love cooking steak! My favourite is pairing it with some roast vegetables and a glass of red wine,” Jin said.
“Sounds like date food,” The producer teased.
This time Jin looked up at Yoongi and shot him a smile, “Maybe I’ll ask my future husband what he thinks about it.”
“Speaking of husband,” The producer ran with the segue, “What do you know about your future husband.”
“I took a little sneak peek and decided to cheat a little bit. I know that he’s a really good rapper and producer,” Jin said. He didn’t take his eyes off of Yoongi and somehow that made him more at ease; more comfortable with being open. “Min Yoongi.”
“Have you heard about him before today?”
“The no-nonsense, always-sticking-up-for-people rapper?” Jin said, tilting his head ever so slightly, “Yeah, I’ve seen him in the news once or twice.”
“We asked Min Yoongi about you and he said that his mother loves you! She calls you her son in law,” The producer told him as though it was the first time.
Jin chuckled, looking into the camera now as he addressed Yoongi’s mother, “Eommeo-nim, I’ll take good care of Yoongi. Don’t worry, your son in law won’t fail you.”
Jin’s smile fell for a fraction of a second but he quickly picked it back up. He always thought that he would never fail the people who loved him and yet….
He was headed on a self destructive downward spiral of his own thoughts but he caught Yoongi’s eye who was smiling so brightly at him. He shot Jin a thumbs up and nodded, mouthing a quiet, ‘You did well’ and somehow that was all Jin needed to quiet down the darkness in his mind.
“So, Kim Seokjin, are you ready to be married?”
“I am.” He said, a new resolution perking him up.
He was going to get his career back. He was going to get people to love him again.
He could do it.
He couldn’t do it.
“They want me to what?” Jin all but yelled.
Namjoon winced, “It really isn’t that bad, hyung.”
“Not that bad?” Jin all but screamed as he read over the notes from the producer and the schedule of what was going to happen over the next few weeks.
“What exactly did you expect from a show about two celebrities pretending that they’re married?” Namjoon asked as he cocked his eyebrow.
“I don’t know!” Jin groaned and flopped over on his couch, wanting to scream into his pillow, “Joon-ah, was this a mistake?”
“I thought you liked Yoongi-ssi,” Namjoon said.
“I do,” Jin whispered, “He’s really nice.”
“Then, what’s the problem, hyung?” Namjoon asked.
“I liked him for a two second conversation, Namjoon! Not enough to share a bed for a month!” Jin told him pointedly, “What if I told you to share a bed with Yoongi’s manager for a month, huh? What then, Kim Namjoon.”
“Share a bed with Hoseok?” Namjoon said with a grin, “I would not mind that at all. Have you seen Hoseok?”
“Stop flirting with the enemy’s manager!”
“When did he become your enemy? You literally just said you liked him,” Namjoon said.
“Stop making sense when I’m trying to spiral!” Jin whined, slamming his face back into the pillow with a soft, “Ow.”
“Hyung, really, what’s going on? What’s the problem here? What’s really bringing this on because you know as well as I do that it’s not the bed sharing. You’ve slept on the ground with a torn sleeping bag in the middle of a desert surrounded by mosquitoes for weeks on end and didn’t complain once. So, tell me the truth. What’s happening in your pretty little head?”
Jin pouted, “You think my head is pretty?”
“Hyung.” Namjoon said more pointedly now.
Jin sat up now, taking the pillow that was on his face and placing it close to his chest as he hugged it and leaned back on the couch. He sighed, playing with the tassels on the end of cover, fiddling with it in his hands, “Joon-ah…this might just be my last shot ever at redeeming myself in this industry.”
Namjoon opened his mouth to say something but was quickly cut off by Jin.
“And before you say something like ‘oh there’s nothing to redeem’ just…don’t. You and I have both seen the backlash that came with the photo that leaked. You saw how people were dropping me back and forth. This show might just be my saving grace, Joon, and it’s up to me not to screw it up.” Jin said, his shoulders being weighed down with the pressure that he was placing on himself. If he wasn’t already too in his head, he would have noticed how his heart was being weighed down too, being plunged inch by inch into a well of black tar, each inch covered with another negative comment that he read about himself, tainting what was once a pure love that Jin held for himself. “This show, Joon…I said yes because it was all I had; all that was being offered to me. I didn’t stop for a second to think about what it actually entailed.”
“And now?”
“Now that it’s sinking in, I don’t know if I’ll be able to perform.” Jin said seriously, eyebrows furrowed as he thought about every single possible outcome that could happen.
“What kind of a performance are you trying to put on, hyung? Because as far as I can tell, all you have to do is be yourself.” Namjoon said, “There isn’t a character to play here.”
“That’s the hardest part.” Jin admitted, finally looking up at Namjoon, “Joon, I’ve delved into so many characters over the past few years that I’ve been in this industry that I don’t know who I am anymore. What parts of me are Kim Seokjin and what parts of me are borrowed from the characters that I’ve played? Which parts of me are real, Joon? Who do I bring with me on set tomorrow? Who’s good enough to pass off as a likeable character?”
Jin quietened down, “Who’s good enough to be loved?”
“You look happy,” Hoseok said, narrowing his eyes at Yoongi, “I don’t like it.”
“You’re the one who said that I should be happier," Yoongi said, folding a pair of jeans as he packed it away in his suitcase, “And now that I am, you have a problem with it? Really, ‘Seok-ah, are you sure you aren’t the star here? You’re acting like a diva.”
“First you’re happy and now you’re listening to me? Are you sure you weren’t kidnapped and that you’re not a clone?”
“Would a clone do this?” Yoongi said and then proceeded to do nothing.
“Yeah you’re right, you’re my Yoongi hyung,” Hoseok said, pinching his cheeks.
“I will cut your hand off,” Yoongi threatened, glaring at Hoseok.
“Of course you will,” Hoseok cooed.
“Why do I put up with you?” Yoongi said, rolling his eyes, going back to packing.
“Because I’m your best friend.” Hoseok said with a large grin as he sat down on Yoongi’s bed, helping him fold his clothes, “You’re quite hyped up about this show.”
“Are you speaking as my manager or my best friend?” Yoongi asked, busying himself with folding clothes so he wouldn’t have to make eye contact.
“Can’t I be both?”
“No.”
“Fine, your best friend then.” Hoseok sighed dramatically.
“I’m….hyped.” Yoongi said, putting his folded shirt carefully into the suitcase.
“Is it because of a certain actor?” Hoseok wagged his eyebrow.
Yoongi glared at him wordlessly.
“Oh come on, hyung! Tell me!” Hoseok whined.
“There’s nothing to tell,” Yoongi mumbled as he continued packing his bag.
Hoseok shot him a look - eyebrows cocked, head tilted as his eyes said everything that needed to be said.
Yoongi sighed and dropped a shirt into his suitcase, “He reminds me of a younger version of myself when I was still in the closet. I know he’s older and all, but really, Hoba, the fear in his eyes…He’s scared and afraid that he’s alone. I know what that feels like, albeit in a smaller, more secluded version, but still ‘Seok. He was outed against his will and I’m pretty sure that he hasn’t spoken to any of his family since the picture leaked. Hobi, he was just like me. He’s lost and he’s holding the weight of the world on his shoulders, and I can tell that he’s crumbling… I would do anything if it meant that I could help lift even a gram off of him.”
Yoongi moved across the room. He slid the door of the closet open and started to take hangers of clothes out.
“You’re invested in this, aren’t you?” Hoseok said, still unmoving from his spot on the bed.
“It’s more than that,” Yoongi told him, bending down to look at his jeans.
“What is it?”
Yoongi turned to face Hoseok, “I haven’t seen him smile yet, his proper smile, not the fake interview one that we all get trained on. The crinkle-in-your-eye, scrunch-of-your-nose, big smile. That one. I haven’t seen that yet.”
“Maybe he just needs time to warm up to you before he lets his guard drop.” Hoseok said.
Yoongi shook his head, walking over to the bed, throwing his clothes haphazardly onto the pillow as he sat next to Hoseok.
“I think it’s more than that,” Yoongi admitted, “I think that so much bad has happened in such a short span of time that it’s made him forget how to smile.”
“And you’re going to help him remember?” Hoseok said, nudging Yoongi’s shoulder, “Are you going to be his Gay Yoda?”
Yoongi chuckled, “I just want to help him as much as I can. I know how much I went through when everyone found out I was gay. I don’t want him to struggle as much as I did.”
“The show should be called We Got A Gay Teacher,” Hoseok said.
Yoongi sighed and leaned back against the already ironed shirts, crinkling it as he did.
“What are you thinking about?” Hoseok asked.
“‘Seok-ah, I think that when I see his smile, I might be in trouble….” Yoongi admitted, “It’s going to floor me.”
“How do you know that?”
“That dude looks like he was carved out to rival Adonis.” Yoongi said, “If Adonis got jealous and kicked him out of heaven, then what hope does a mere mortal like me have?”
Hoseok picked one of his shirts up and started sniffing, “Did you wash this with weed and not detergent? What’s wrong with you?”
“I’m gay panicking okay! Leave me alone!” Yoongi whined, “How am I supposed to share a bed with this carved out greek statue and not get hard for a month!”
The apartment felt claustrophobic and suffocating.
There were too many people hustling and bustling inside the two bedroom apartment. Too many things happening all at once - from the camera crew fixing cameras on the ceiling, tripods in different spots of the house. Other crew members were decorating the interior, making sure everything was picture perfect and didn’t look it was specifically picked out. More crew members were in what he assumed was going to be their bedroom that they would share. A couple of crew were fixing the wifi and the television.
And the director was talking to them in the kitchen. Their luggage was in direct view of them as they stood uncomfortably next to each other with their managers listening in on the conversation and taking notes where it was important.
“You’ll be staying here for a month and for the first few days we’re not going to give you any challenges or be in direct contact too much. We want you two to be as comfortable with each other as possible.” He said as he started to explain the setting, “The challenges we give you won’t be hard at all. It’s mostly domestic things anyway.”
“What about the cameras?” Jin asked quietly.
“They won’t be filming you 24/7. They have an automatic shut off at midnight and won’t turn back on until 6.30 in the morning.” He explained, “There are cameras fitted everywhere except the bathroom for obvious reasons.”
“And umm….and the bedroom?” Yoongi asked.
“Ah yes!” The director grinned, “Well, there are 2 bedrooms here but the second room doesn’t have a bed at all. We want you two to sleep in one bed because well, you’re married and also it makes for great tv. The second room has a very specific purpose and will be revealed for one of the challenges. But for now, it’s going to be used as a storage unit for things that the crew needs like clothes, extra batteries and cameras and all that stuff. It will also act as the interview room for when we need those little speak overs here and there but that’s also a future problem. Basically, don’t open that door.”
“Got it.” They said in unison.
“Some other rules - no social media, no posting anything related to filming because we want this to be as authentic as possible. That doesn’t mean you can’t use your phones, but please, just don’t go on social media it would ruin the entire purpose of this.”
“Not going to be a problem here.” Jin muttered.
“Any other questions?” The director asked.
“When’s the first challenge?” Yoongi asked.
“We thought either Thursday or Friday?” The director said, “Depending on how we feel things are going.”
“What about if they want to go out of the house?” Hoseok asked.
“They wouldn’t need to; not until the challenge anyway. The fridge is stocked up with fresh ingredients and the pantry is fully stocked up too. There’s bottled water and a filter installed and if you’re feeling lazy to cook, order delivery. I also specifically requested your managers not to schedule anything around this time.” The director told them. “These first few days are for you two to familiarise yourself with each other and start to build a bond. This show only works when it’s fully authentic. Trust me, everyone can tell when a relationship is fake.”
“We’ll do our best.” Jin promised.
“Great! Let me show you around the apartment and check the cameras and we’ll be out of your hair.”
The last of the crew left with a polite smile and a gentle, “Good luck!” before closing the door behind her.
They stood awkwardly in the foyer with Yoongi locking the door behind the crew member.
“So,” Yoongi said as he cleared his throat, walking down the hallway with pictures hanging on the wall that he had never even seen before. How did they even get a picture of him as a child? Did they call his mother?
Why wasn’t there a picture of Jin as a child on the wall?
“Yoongi-ssi,” Jin started but Yoongi shook his head.
“What happened to being more casual with each other? We’re married aren’t we, hyung?” Yoongi smiled.
Jin nodded, still polite, guarded, scared.
“Yoongi,” He started again, “Do you want some coffee?”
“I’d love a cup,” Yoongi said, “I could help you make it and we could sit outside and watch the sun set?”
“Iced americano or a latte?” Jin asked as they walked to the kitchen together.
A Nespresso machine was sitting on the counter, perfectly placed next to the ornately displayed coffee capsules and a set of cups with the logo on it. Yoongi was impressed that they could grab Nespresso to be a sponsor. But really, it was free coffee, he didn’t care who was sponsoring it.
“Oh there’s a button that does cappuccino too!” Jin gasped, impressed, “Back in my day we had to do this ourselves.”
Yoongi snorted, “What, hyung? Did you walk up a mountain, pick out some coffee beans and grind it into powder and then walk over to a cow, milk it, and then make a cup of coffee.”
“Ah, you don’t know the struggles hyung had to go through to get a simple cup of coffee!” Jin played along, eyes scrunching by its sides, “Back in my day, I had to get up at 4 in the morning if I wanted coffee by 7. I had a single candle and one match to light it before making my hour long trek into the cold and dark forest. And now you kids are so spoilt, all you have to do is press a button and you get coffee.”
“We’re 3 months apart, hyung.” Yoongi told him, the smell of freshly brewed coffee wafting in his nose.
“3 months is over a million hours of trekking that you haven’t done.” Jin said.
“I know I’m an art student, but somehow the math feels wrong,” Yoongi said, sipping carefully from the hot mug.
“You only think it’s wrong because you’re an art student.” Jin said.
“What stream did you do, Jin hyung?” Yoongi asked.
Jin paused, “Art.”
Silence descended the kitchen before both of them burst out laughing - real, genuine laughs, something that Jin thought he would never get back in his life. Yet here he was, in a shoot that he never thought would be offered to him, standing in the middle of a room with a man he was sure he would have never met. And it was all because of a scandal that tore his life apart.
Was this the silver lining of it all?
He didn’t know yet. It was too soon to tell.
Yet somehow, it felt like it was.
“Do you want to go on the balcony?” Yoongi asked.
Jin smiled and picked his cup up.
They slid open the french windows and leaned against the metal railing, looking out at the rat race that was below them.
“Did you ever think about what your life would be if you didn’t start producing?” Jin asked him.
“All the time.” Yoongi admitted.
“Really?” Jin asked, surprised, “Even with all the success and awards?”
Yoongi nodded. He turned to look at Jin, “Did you ever think about what life would look like if you weren’t an actor?”
“Not till recently. No.” Jin said softly.
Yoongi scooted closer, ever so slightly, “It’s not a bad thing to do, you know?”
“Isn’t it?” Jin sighed, “I didn’t really think about how life would be different when I was at the top of my game, constantly winning awards here and there. But now that….now that - things are just - i mean - “
“Do you regret it?” Was all that Yoongi asked.
“Which part?”
“Any of it.” He said, bringing the lip of the cup to his mouth as he sipped, “Do you regret how your career turned out? Do you regret the choices that you’ve made up till now? Do you regret the dramas that you did? The movies? The acceptance speeches? Awards that you didn’t get?”
Jin listened, thinking back on the very first moment he decided that he wanted to be an actor - a teenager who skipped class to line up for hours at end underneath the hot sun with nothing else other than his school uniform, a half drunk water bottle, and a script that he had memorised since the night before.
He thought about the first red carpet that he walked - How he had his mom on one arm and his dad on the other, proudly walking with them as he pointed out posters with his name on it, pointed out fans that he didn’t even know that he had, as he answered interview questions that he had thoroughly prepared answers for in advance. He thought about how even though he didn’t win any awards that night, he had never felt prouder than he did in his life.
He thought about the first time he won an award - Tears streaming down his cheeks as he accepted an award from someone he used to watch on screen growing up. He looked out into the crowd and saw his parents standing up for him, eyes glistening with unshed tears as they sniffled and cheered even when all the other cheers stopped. He thought about how he didn’t say a word, but instead got on his knees and gave them a full bow, sobbing on stage as he did. He stood up, held the award to their direction and sniffled again.
He thought about how the scandal broke - the picture of him kissing another guy spread like wildfire through every single news channel, every social media post, every newspaper and text message chain forward. He thought about how his parents were unreachable. None of the calls or text messages being answered.
“Do you regret it?” Yoongi asked again.
“Choices I’ve made in my career? No. Successes? No. Failures? No.” Jin said, “Do I regret the scandal? I don’t know.”
Yoongi nodded, “Regret is a powerful emotion. There’s a thin line that’s drawn between regret and devastation; more often than not, I find that too much regret pushes you over that line. But exercised correctly, regret doesn’t have to be a negative emotion. For me, dreaming about a life where I’m not a producer, but just an ordinary person helps me appreciate what I do have. On days where it feels like I’m drowning, regret becomes my lifeboat.”
“So, I shouldn’t regret the scandal?” Jin asked, almost bitterly, the coffee leaving a bad taste in his mouth all of a sudden.
“I can’t choose what you feel about the scandal, hyung. I’m not the one going through it. All I can do is hold your hand and help you through it,” Yoongi told him, “What I am saying is that, there’s a certain beauty in disaster; something that you don’t really see until you’re not in the thick of it anymore. It’s the way the rubble is picked up, one by one, each piece examined while your mind is trying to put in place where the rubble came from and what memory it can associate with it until the piece is put down, a part of a bigger puzzle that will show itself in time.”
Yoongi looked at Jin, hair being blown by the wind as it stuck to his forehead. He reached over and placed his hand on top of Jin’s, squeezing ever so slightly as he said,
“Let me help with the rubble, hyung.”
They were extra cautious now, the red light of the camera blinking in the bedroom.
They stared at the bed as though it was an extraterrestrial , Yoongi on the left and Jin on the right.
“Hyung is this scarier than your mountain at 4 in the morning?” Yoongi joked, trying to lighten the mood.
“My coffee adventures usually weren’t broadcasted to the entire world,” Jin muttered back hoping that the microphones on the cameras wouldn’t pick it up.
Yoongi reached into his pocket and unlocked his phone. He opened spotify and played a random song so that the microphones would not pick up anything and they could talk in private.
“Hyung, if you’re uncomfortable, we can lay here until the cameras go off at midnight and I could sleep on the couch outside. I can set an alarm for 5 minutes before the cameras turn on and come back here so that they don’t get suspicious,” Yoongi said, “I sleep on the couch of my house and studio all the time so really it won’t be a problem for me.”
“Yoongi-yah, I can’t ask you to do that,” Jin looked at him with softened eyes.
“No, really, it’s not a problem-” Yoongi started to say, but Jin shook his head.
“Hey, we’re going to be doing this for a month. We’re in it together, right?” Jin said, “We can totally sleep on the same bed! It’s fine!”
Yoongi searched his eyes, looking for any sign of a second thought or even discomfort.
Jin looked from the bed to Yoongi resolutely, “It can be like a sleepover!”
“Hyung, when’s the last time you had a sleepover?” Yoongi asked with a cocked eyebrow.
“Umm, never actually.” Jin admitted.
“Never?!” Yoongi said, eyes widening at the admission.
Jin scratched the back of his neck, “I guess I just never had time to. When all of my friends were having sleepovers, I was working. I was either at rehearsals, or on set, or in dance practice, or in table reads and shoots. I just missed out on that part of my childhood I guess.”
“You may be missing out on that little bit of your childhood, but hyung, they’ll never be able to experience the things that you did,” Yoongi said, “I promise, we’ll make this the best sleepover ever.”
“What sleepover lasts for a month, Yoongi?”
“Only the best ones.” Yoongi grinned.
Jin looked from Yoongi to the bed, “So, right or left?”
“I’m not picky,” He said with a shrug, “You can choose.”
Jin walked over to the right side, near the window while Yoongi walked on the opposite end, nearer to the door. They started setting up their side tables with their charges, water, and Jin even set a book down.
“Do you usually read before bed?” Yoongi asked.
“Sometimes when I’m not too tired,” Jin said.
“So, you basically didn’t read back in the old days much, did you? What with all that coffee bean picking and udder milking that you had to do for the freshest cup of coffee in the world,” Yoongi teased.
“I read while climbing the mountain,” Jin played along, “Kids like you will never understand what it means to hustle and grind.”
Yoongi chuckled as he got under the covers with his phone, glancing at the time - 15 minutes till midnight. 15 more minutes of keeping up this charade for the first day before they got the chance to breathe. He wondered if the producers would keep this rule of an auto shut off for the cameras throughout the month, or if it was only to let them acclimate to being close to each other.
Between the occasional tap of Yoongi’s fingernail against the tempered glass and the flipping of pages from Jin’s book, the room descended into a peaceful silence; a comfortable one where sleep was allowed to roam the floor before finally settling in between both of them.
The red light from the camera finally stopped blinking and both Jin and Yoongi felt like they could breathe properly again. Their eyes met, and they finally laughed freely, able to be themselves.
“Is it going to be like this every night?” Yoongi wondered out loud, “Where we’re just counting down the seconds until it’s midnight so we get a few minutes to finally just….just…”
“Be?” Jin finished his sentence.
Yoongi nodded with a smile, setting his phone down on his chest and resting his head on his arm.
Jin slid his bookmark in between the pages and set the book down by his side. He turned his light off and settled down on the pillow. Yoongi followed his lead - plugging in his phone to the charger and turning off his light.
“Oh, you don’t have to-”
“We both deserve to sleep well, don’t you think, hyung?” Yoongi smiled as he turned to face Jin on the bed.
The room was dark, almost pitch black if not for the sliver of the moonlight shining through the slightly opened curtain. They studied each other in the dark, wondering if their features would still be the same here as it was in the light. Were their smiles the same? What about their eyes?
Now that the world wasn’t watching through a camera, could they finally be themselves? Did that look different in the dark? Or was it the same because the flashes of cameras were now in the twinkle of the stars and the red carpet was the sky.
“Yoongi-yah,” Jin breathed out in the gentlest of voices, like his whisper would shatter the illusion of finally being comfortable with each other.
“Hyung.” Yoongi answered in a soft whisper, the word laid out so gently, placed in the bed as Yoongi tucked it underneath the blanket that was his name.
“Why are you being so nice to me?” Jin finally asked, his vulnerability still hidden in the shroud of the night, the stars hidden behind a cloud so he had that little bit of privacy that wasn’t awarded to him before.
Yoongi smiled, even in the darkness it was still ever so bright, “Because you’re deserving of kindness and of love.”
“And you’re going to give that to me?”
“If you let me,” Yoongi said.
Jin opened his mouth to say something but ultimately thought against it. He shook his head and smiled ever so slightly before he turned away from Yoongi, facing the moon now.
Yoongi didn’t push it. He understood perfectly what it felt like to have the whole world throw insults at you. He knew the confusion that came initially, wondering if you really were worthy of that much profanity being javelined at you., The confusion would turn to anger, lashing out at everyone and anyone that attempted to console you because no one understood what it was like to open any social media and only see hate directed against you. The anger would fade away, morphing into self loathing. You start seeking the hate out, tattooing the same words they flung at you onto your skin, believing every single negative thought, word, meme that they would hurl.
Soon enough, the haters hiding behind the screen couldn’t hurt you as much as the person staring in the mirror could.
Yoongi understood how hard it was to believe that someone could be kind and loving to you when you didn’t remember what it felt like anymore.
“Goodnight hyung,” Yoongi greeted.
Yoongi woke up to the sound of soft snores. He didn’t realise he was smiling until he reached up to rub the sleep out of his eyes while stretching his legs. He yawned as he sat up, turning to the side table and groaning inwardly when he realised he forgot to charge his phone overnight. He reached over and plugged his phone in, the red battery sign screaming at him for his betrayal.
He got out of bed quietly, trying his hardest not to stir Jin awake. He tucked the blanket back onto the bed and looked up at the camera that was blinking red showing that it was recording. He ran his fingers through his hair automatically, hoping that he at least looked presentable enough as he walked out of the dark room and into the darker living room.
He turned all the lights on as he walked to the kitchen, grabbing utensils and ingredients that he would need for breakfast. He moved on auto pilot, having had enough experience in the kitchen to know what he was doing without having to actually think about it.
By the time the fifth pancake was hot out of the pan and put onto the plate, Jin walked out of the bedroom with messy hair and slightly puffy cheeks. It took all of Yoongi’s strength to not gasp at how gorgeous he looked, even just rousing from sleep.
“Mo’nin,” Jin greeted as he sat on the chair by the breakfast bar, yawning slightly as he ran his fingers through his hair.
“I made you breakfast,” Yoongi said, pushing the plate of pancakes towards him.
“I love pancakes!” Jin said, lighting up immediately.
“It’s a mountain of pancakes,” Yoongi said, giggling to himself, “To remind you of your roots and your journey to get coffee.”
“Did…Did you make all these pancakes for that one joke?” Jin said, amused.
“I am very dedicated to my craft,” Yoongi responded as he flipped the pancake in the pan.
Jin took a pancake onto his own plate, “I can see that.”
“I was also going to put coffee beans on the top shelf-”
“You couldn’t reach it, could you?” Jin said as he poured syrup on top of the pancake, trying to mask his laugh but failing to do so.
“I will pour the batter on your head,” Yoongi threatened emptily.
“Can you reach the top of my head?” Jin teased as he cut up a piece of pancake.
“Shut up and eat your breakfast,” Yoongi said, rolling his eyes playfully.
“That’s hyung to you,” Jin said mid bite as he chewed the pancakes.
“Shut up and eat your breakfast, hyung,” Yoongi corrected.
Jin nodded in satisfaction as he cut up another piece, reaching over for the syrup and drizzling more on top of the smaller piece.
“Good?” Yoongi asked, turning the stove off when he saw the number of already cooked pancakes on the plate.
“Amazing!” Jin complimented.
Yoongi looked straight into the camera that was already recording and smiled proudly, “Min Yoongi, suitable husband.”
“I can cook too!” Jin insisted.
“Sure, hyung.” Yoongi said as he sat down next to Jin.
“I can!” Jin whined slightly.
“I’m agreeing with you.”
“Sarcastic agreement is not agreement.”
Yoongi simply stuffed a cut up piece of pancake into his mouth.
“Are you planning to steal my title as nation's son in law?” Jin said as he cocked an eyebrow.
“I will graciously accept any and every title,” Yoongi said.
“But what title do you want?”
“Kim Seokjin’s husband would be my number one choice.”
Jin cleared his throat, tinge of pink tinting his cheeks as he paid attention to his pancakes. He spread the syrup around the top, cutting up a piece and dipping it into some leftover syrup on the plate.
Yoongi did mentally pat himself on the back for that, giggling to himself when he saw how flustered Jin was, and how easy it was to get his ears red. It was a habit that he was beginning to notice with him - the way his ears were his most expressive feature and how it would betray the stoic expressions he was trying so hard to use.
“I know what your plan is,” Jin said.
“I have a plan now?” Yoongi asked.
“I’m currently the nation’s son in law, so by being my husband, you’re by default also going to be the nation’s son in law.” Jin told him, trying to will away his red cheeks and redder ears, but failing.
“How did you find out?” Yoongi played along.
“Simple maths.”
“Maybe if I wasn’t an art student, I could have hidden it better,” Yoongi clicked his tongue and leaned back in his chair, reaching over for the mug of half drunk coffee.
Jin smiled, putting another piece of pancake in his mouth. He stabbed his fork into a fresh pancake on the plate in front of him and transferred it onto his plate.
“What do you want to do today?” Jin asked.
“I actually had a thought,” Yoongi said.
“Sounds dangerous.”
“It’s a way to get to know each other better,” Yoongi said.
“Trustfall but on the balcony,” Jin suggested.
“I said get to know, not kill.”
“Fear is the most powerful truth teller.” Jin said nonchalantly.
“Speaking from experience?” Yoongi asked, cocking an eyebrow as he leaned forward in his chair to continue eating.
Jin smirked, “Do you really want to find out?”
Yoongi stuffed the pancake in his mouth and made a show of chewing to which Jin chuckled but kept eating as well.
It was minutes like this where Jin forgot where he was for a second. Minutes like these where Jin believed in a domestic fantasy that could come true rather than the make believe fairytale that the television was trying to sell. It was minutes like these where Jin didn’t think about the constant blinking red dot, almost forgetting that there were hidden cameras littering this place that he was supposed to call home.
…it was moments like these where Jin could actually envision building a home.
The scary thought was that the person in his vision might just turn from faceless into Yoongi.
Jin had to look around to find a camera and remind himself that he was still an actor, and this right here, this domesticity, these pancakes, this cup of cooling coffee on the table, all of this; it was supposed to be a job. Nothing more. Nothing less.
Jin was supposed to leave here, return the ring and Yoongi was to be nothing more than a coworker and a contact in his phone.
“So, what was your idea?” Jin asked, plastering on a smile as he looked away from Yoongi.
“I was thinking that we could each pick out an activity to do together.” Yoongi said, not taking his eyes off of Jin, “You know, something that you would usually do at home. It doesn’t have to be exciting like trustfall on the balcony, it can also be something that you do to relax, or even just to laze around.”
“Just something to do together?” Jin asked with a smile on his face. A genuine one. He could tell that this was something that Yoongi really thought about; something that would give both of them an insight into each other that even though the nation might be watching, they wouldn’t be able to see and feel the way that both of them would.
Yoongi nodded, looking away from him, somehow feeling more exposed now than he ever thought he would.
“I like it.” Jin whispered.
“Do you want to go first?”
“It’s only fair since you came up with the idea.”
"Are you sure staying out in the balcony is absolutely essential to the reveal?” Yoongi asked, shivering ever so slightly.
“Yes.” Jin insisted as he moved around inside, setting up the pillows, fluffing them up and angling them on the floor.
“It’s cold,” Yoongi whined.
Jin opened the french windows and threw out a blanket, only to close it back up less than a second after.
“Why can’t I just wait in the room?” Yoongi whined higher, wrapping himself in the blanket and huddling up on one side of the balcony, sniffling.
“Men used to fight in wars.” Jin deadpanned.
Yoongi groaned, pulling the blanket taut against his skin, “How much longer?”
“This was your idea!” Jin shouted back.
“My idea was cute! This is torture,” Yoongi grumbled.
“You know what real torture is-” Jin started.
“Climbing up the mountain at 4am for a single shot of espresso?” Yoongi interjected.
“And I did that come rain, shine, or a little bit of wind.” Jin said.
“So you understand my plight then.” Yoongi said, “You would think you would be a little more empathetic to my situation-”
The french windows opened and Jin stuck his head out, “Are you done whining?”
“Depends.”
“On?”
“Are you done prepping?” Yoongi asked, sniffling, nose pink from the wind.
“Oh I was done ages ago.” Jin said with a grin, “Just wanted you to suffer a bit.”
“And to think I made you pancakes!” Yoongi grumbled, waddling into the living room with the blanket.
Yoongi looked around the living room that was changed completely. The couch was pushed all the way back, making way for the fort of pillows and blankets that littered the floor. There were bowls of snacks on the floor - chips, cookies, water bottles and cola.
"The pizza’s on the way,” Jin said, tips of his ears reddening the more that time went on, “I mean I can change things around if you don’t-”
“It’s perfect.” Yoongi said with the biggest gummy smile he could muster, “Really, hyung. This is….thank you for doing this.”
Jin cleared his throat and scratched the back of his neck, “It’s umm…I like to play video games. It helps me unplug from the world and connect with my friends, or well, people on the internet who like the same things that I do. I don’t really have many friends per se. But people I like well - I guess what I’m trying to say is that, I hope this shows you a part of me that I’ve kept hidden from everyone else.”
Yoongi shrugged the blanket off and sat down on the floor, picking up the controller in front of him. He looked up at Jin and patted the space beside him.
Jin smiled and sat beside him.
“Was that speech just a way to tell me that the side you’ve kept hidden is actually a super competitive side?” Yoongi joked as Jin started up the Nintendo Switch.
“Damn, you got me.” He said.
“What are we playing first?”
“Mario kart.” Jin started the game up and waited for the loading screen to change, “You know, the character you pick will tell me everything I need to know about you.”
“Just know that I will judge you severely if you pick either Mario or Luigi.” Yoongi said.
The screen changed and Jin loaded up the tournament game. The soundtrack died down and was replaced by a screen full of characters.
Yoongi scrolled through the carousel of characters before landing on his perfect one.
“Boo? You really picked Boo?” Jin scoffed.
“Boo is my spirit animal-”
“Boo’s a ghost.” Jin deadpanned.
“Did I stutter?” Yoongi said, “Look at him! He’s perfect! He’s all small and tiny-”
“No wonder you picked him.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Yoongi said, affronted.
“You’re literally him.” Jin said as he scrolled through the characters looking for his, “Small and tiny and all prickly till you get to know him.”
“I am not prickly.”
“Okay, grandpa,” Jin rolled his eyes playfully.
“You’re older than me,” Yoongi reminded him.
“By 3 months. It’s hardly anything.”
“That means you’re 3 months closer to death. You’re withering away in front of me,” Yoongi said.
“Prickly.” Jin whispered.
Jin finally chose his character and pressed the button to continue to the next screen.
Yoongi laughed when he saw Jin’s screen and the character that he picked.
“What?” Jin said, bordering on a whine, turning to look from the customisation screen of the karts to Yoongi.
“You taunt me about choosing Boo, yet you are literally the exact replica of your character,” Yoongi said.
“I am not Shy Guy.”
“You’re the definition of Shy Guy.”
“I resent that!” Jin protested as he chose a pastel colour for his kart.
“Aww, look at how your kart matches your blush,” Yoongi teased.
“I will punch you in the throat.” Jin threatened emptily.
“On national television?”
Jin nearly jolted, forgetting completely that there were cameras in the room with him. He was so focused on Yoongi, on the game, that it had slipped his mind. He looked around and saw the bright blinking red dot on every single camera. How much of that did they capture? How much of this comfort did they steal from him?
“Hyung?” Yoongi whispered, so low that the microphones probably couldn’t pick it up.
Jin plastered a smile, but both of them knew it wasn’t genuine anymore. He was too hyperaware of the attention on him again. He retreated back into his shell and tried to pick up where he left off.
“You have a tell you know.” Yoongi said softly.
“Tell? About what?” Jin asked.
“How you really feel.”
“And what’s that?” He asked.
Yoongi smiled slyly, “I’ll tell you when the show is over.”
“I’ll figure out what it is before then,” Jin threatened.
Yoongi reached over for a chip, popping into his mouth with a loud crunch, “I’m sure you will Shy Guy.”
The characters on the screen were set up by the starting line as the game counted down the seconds.
“I’m going to crush you.” Jin told him.
“I’m already a ghost. Do your worst.”
“How’s life like as a ghost, Yoongi,” Jin teased for the umpteenth time.
“I let you win.” Yoongi grumbled, crossing his arms as he leaned back, pulling the blanket up to his chest.
“That’s what all losers say.” Jin said, jumping about, “I love winning!”
“I can see that.”
“And what do you love doing, Yoongi Boongi-”
“Boongi?”
“Shh, go with it,” Jin said, celebrating his win further, “Yoongles Boongles-”
“We have to talk about these names.” Yoongi told him.
“I only talk to winners.” Jin insisted, turning away from him and back to the screen where Shy Guy was celebrating in the kart and doing lap after lap around the final tournament circuit.
Yoongi smiled, fond as he watched Jin clap and look at the television screen, wiggling as he watched his character celebrating. He would lose over and over again if it meant that Jin was this happy.
“Rematch?” Yoongi suggested.
“You really want to humiliate yourself like that, Boongi?” Jin cocked his eyebrow.
“I’m humiliated enough with those god awful nicknames you’re giving me.” He mumbled.
“Good. I’m doing my job well then.” Jin said as he sat back down next to Yoongi.
“Was that in your contract?”
“I had them put it in specifically, actually. Had a talk with both of our lawyers. You weren’t invited to the meeting,” Jin said as he navigated back to the home page.
“And why was that?”
Jin turned to him, leaned in close and whispered, “I don’t talk to losers.”
“What was it that you said again, hyung?” Yoongi grinned, taunting him as he leaned further into Jin’s space.
“Shut up.” Jin pouted, throwing the controller on the floor, leaning back as he grabbed a pillow and held it to his chest.
“You don’t talk to losers, is that it?”
“You cheated.”
“You’re a sore loser,” Yoongi chuckled.
“You literally pushed me!” Jin scoffed.
“I gently nudged you,” Yoongi corrected.
“I fell!”
“You need to start working out more,” Yoongi said, “
“You attacked me!” Jin said, flailing his arms.
“Maybe for one of our dates I should enrol us into self defence classes,” Yoongi mused out loud.
Jin’s eyes softened ever so slightly, mouth turned up into a smile, “You’ve planned out dates for us?”
Yoongi looked away, trying to focus on anything else and hoped that the heat he felt in his cheeks didn’t show up as a blush.
Jin smiled, “You planned our dates.”
“I didn’t plan it so much as I…thought….about what to do.” Yoongi whispered, “In multiple scenarios.”
“Do I get a say in them?”
“Do you want to?”
“How about this,” Jin proposed, “You plan one and I plan the other.”
Yoongi looked down at his shorts, playing with the hem of it, “I’d like that.”
“Yoongi-yah,” Jin called out, trying to get his attention.
“Hyung.” He said as he looked up.
“I’m going to win on those dates too.”
“I literally just beat you!” Yoongi countered.
“You cheated!”
“Can I open my eyes now?” Jin asked, eyes closed as he faced the wall in the corner.
“Ask me that one more time and I’ll make you wait out on the balcony.” Yoongi threatened emptily.
“It’s raining!”
Yoongi smirked, repeating the same line back to him, “Men used to go to war.”
“Except I’m not at war. I’m with my husband in an apartment while he threatens to torture me by making me stand outside in the cold and the rain while he tries to surprise me with date night.” Jin ranted, leaning his forehead against the cold wall, all while keeping his eyes shut dutifully.
Yoongi tried not to show how affected he was just by Jin calling him his husband. He hoped that his ecstacy wasn’t as obvious as it felt with the way his heart was racing and his smile wouldn’t fall off his face.
“I could still put you out there.” Yoongi continued to threaten.
All the setups were done, but Yoongi just wanted to see how much patience Jin had and how far he was willing to listen to Yoongi.
“I would like to see you try, pancake boy.”
“What part of working on the nicknames conversation do we need to have again?” Yoongi said, shaking his head, all too endeared.
“Whatever you say Nyoomnie,” Jin said, leaning against the wall, growing impatient again, “How much longer?”
“Oh I was done a long time ago,” Yoongi grinned, “I just wanted to see how long you could go before whining.”
Jin turned around and narrowed his eyes at Yoongi, “This is payback for just now, isn’t it?”
“Yes it is, Balcony Boy.”
“Technically, you’re balcony boy since you were outside and I was warm and cosy indoors.”
Jin walked over to where Yoongi was standing.There were ingredients all over the counter coupled with cutting boards, two knives, multiple pots on standby on the stove and plates all laid out on the dining table that was decorated with candles, torn up pieces of paper that looked like confetti.
“A cooking date,” Jin said.
Yoongi looked away from Jin, straightening out the ingredients, hoping that Jin liked the idea.
“I uhh, I love cooking,” Yoongi started to explain, “It’s an escape of sorts. With cooking, I don’t have to think so much. I just - I just go with my instinct, my gut, I don’t have to worry about anyone else or their opinions. It’s the complete opposite with producing. With songs, it’s not just about the lyrics or the melody or even the artists and their talent, it’s about whether the higher ups would approve of it, and then, if the public would like it or not. But with food, with cooking, it’s all about me.”
Jin smiled. He listened intently, nodding along, empathising more than sympathising, knowing how much pressure goes into being in the entertainment industry and how more than anything else, the public is the judge, the jury and the executioner.
“What are we making today, Min Chef?” Jin asked, scooting closer to him.
“How do you feel about steak?”
“The same thing I feel about sex.”
Yoongi sputtered, "Hyung!”
“What? It’s great! Makes me moan when done right and hits all of my sweet spots when it goes down my throat,” Jin said, completely forgetting that they weren’t alone. He had such a natural amount of comfort with Yoongi that he had to continue to remind himself that all of this was being aired out, and they weren’t home; they were just in a house.
Unfortunately, this was one of the times that he forgot to remind himself and comfort got the better of him.
Yoongi had to physically close his own mouth, “Maybe I should change my menu.”
“Hey if you can’t hit it on the first date then at least let the steak get some action,” Jin said, grabbing one of the steaks and placing it on his chopping board.
Surprisingly, or unsurprisingly, Yoongi wasn’t sure, but somehow, they moved in sync. They were symbiotic in the way that they worked in the kitchen; they never got in each other’s way. Rather, they helped each other, passing spices and oil and whatever utensils the other needed.
Jin didn’t want to say that it felt domestic, but he knew that it did. In between marinating, chopping and prepping, there were jokes that were becoming inside jokes, and a comforting familiarity that was building quickly between them. The outside world seemed to fade away and along with it, Jin’s pain that he had been holding close to his heart. Throughout the entire day, he didn’t think once about the reason that he was on the show and the circumstances that led him to where he was right now. The entire day, all he felt was joy, happiness, a sense of freedom that he wanted to hold onto and grip so tightly that it was suffocating.
…and it was all because of Yoongi.
When the pan sizzled simultaneously, loudly, Yoongi leaned into Jin’s space.
“Hyung,” He whispered.
Jin looked at him, cocking an eyebrow.
“This isn’t the real thing I wanted to show you.” Yoongi said, careful that there was enough noise to mask his words and make them inaudible, “Can you stay up till midnight today?”
“Are you going to murder me?” Jin stage whispered.
“In private? Are you kidding?” Yoongi scoffed, “If I wanted to murder you, I would do it in front of the camera. Imagine the amount of hits we would get. It’d be the top rated show in all of history with the largest viewings.”
“Ever the businessman,” Jin chuckled, “Okay. I’ll meet you at midnight then.”
“See you on your side of the bed,” Yoongi said, flipping the steak over to the other side, the pan sizzling loudly again.
It was 11.58pm and Yoongi and Jin were scrolling through their phones, both of them aware of the blinking bright red dot from the camera overhead, right near the corner of the room.
The minute hand moved and it was now 11.59pm. Excitement and nervousness was building up in the room despite the obvious poker face that they were trying hard to maintain. Yoongi was pretending to scroll through his phone when in reality he kept glancing up to the time every couple of seconds hoping that the time on his phone had changed, and that when he looked back up at the camera, the red light would have disappeared.
The red light finally dimmed down and Yoongi and Jin turned to each other, smiles gracing their faces when they realised that they were just as excited as the other.
Somehow, this didn’t feel like their second night together. There was such a sense of comfort and calm between them that it felt like their souls were old friends and they were reunited in this life. It was safe here. They knew that.
“Ready?” Yoongi asked.
“What’s the dress code?” Jin asked, looking down at his mismatched shirt and sleeping shorts.
“It’s just us,” Yoongi reminded him, “Wear whatever you feel comfortable in.”
“I’m barefaced and I look like a hobo,” Jin said.
“You’re beautiful,” Yoongi told him wholeheartedly, whispering the words to him and him alone lest the moon and stars would hear him and light up the sky with the words for the world to see. This was meant for Jin’s ears and no one else’s.
Jin turned away, cheeks heating up as he got off the bed and slipped his feet into fuzzy bedroom slippers. Yoongi slipped into a coat and brought another one along just in case Jin got cold.
“Lead the way,” Jin said, trailing behind Yoongi, closing the front door behind them, feeling ever so slightly rebellious knowing that they were breaking a rule set by the Director and the Producers of the show. He would be lying if he said that there wasn’t a little bit of adrenaline flowing through his body and coursing through his veins right now.
Yoongi walked to the elevator and pressed the up button, leaning against the wall as he hummed a tune that had been stuck in his head for a couple of days, reminding himself to record it on his phone when he got the chance to.
“What song is that? I don’t think I’ve heard it,” Jin commented.
“That’s because I haven’t written it yet,” Yoongi said, “I’ve had this melody stuck in my head and I think I can make it into a song later.”
“So, melody first then lyrics? Is that how you usually work?” Jin asked, genuinely curious, wanting to know everything that he could about Yoongi.
The lift arrived at their floor with a ding, doors opening as they walked through it. Yoongi pressed the top most floor and then the button to close the door.
“I think most of the time I do that. But sometimes I write lyrics first and store them until the right song comes along,” Yoongi said.
“How do you know when it’s the right song?” Jin asked.
Yoongi smiled, “How do you choose which scripts to work on? Out of the hundreds of scripts you get a day, how do you decide which is the one for you?”
“I guess I sort of skim through each one and then narrow down whichever is interesting enough,” Jin said, pausing for a second, “And then I just choose.”
“But how do you choose?”
The doors opened up and Yoongi held the lift open for Jin to walk through first before following along behind him.
Jin waited for Yoongi, thinking for a second for an answer that he didn’t have.
“I just do. I take a chance, believe in the script and…jump.”
“That’s how I choose which lyrics go on the track,” Yoongi said, leading them down a poorly lit hallway.
“Should I ask if you’re going to murder me again?” Jin said, voice slightly shaky as he followed Yoongi blindly, gulping due to the sudden plunge in darkness.
“How many times do I have to tell you that I’m not going to murder you for free,” Yoongi joked, “I need an audience! An incentive! A paycheck!”
They stopped outside a door and Yoongi waited for Jin to catch up.
“Is this it?” Jin asked
Yoongi pulled the door open and let Jin walk through first.
They were on a rooftop, higher than the building, on a small space that held nothing but a boiler, a water tank and some broken pots by the other end. There was a metal railing all over the tiny balcony space and a view of most of the city and the rat race that was life right at the bottom.
Jin immediately looked up as he walked onto the cement, gasping at how close the Moon seemed to be, right in the middle of a littering of stars, brighter than they would ever be from the balcony in their apartment downstairs.
“Wow,” Was all Jin could say as he took the sights in.
“If I had to show you one thing that represented me, it would be this space, or well, any space like this - quiet, high up, and all to myself,” Yoongi said as he leaned against the metal railing.
“How did you find this?” Jin asked, joining him.
They sat on the cemented floor, legs dangling over the edge, safely secured with the metal railing on their chests.
“The day that we were supposed to meet, I asked Hoseok for a couple of minutes to myself. I didn’t know what I was doing, if I’m being honest. I don’t do things like this. Variety shows, acting, game shows…all of this was never me. So, I came up here, spent a couple of minutes and gathered my thoughts, and when I came back down, I saw you,” Yoongi said, looking away from Jin, not knowing if he could meet his eyes, “That’s when I knew I made the right decision.”
Jin smiled, “Thank you.”
“I should be thanking you. If it weren’t for you, I would probably be in my studio doing the same thing that I do day in and day out,” Yoongi said, “This is an adventure for me.”
“Me too,” Jin whispered into the night sky.
He leaned back against the palms of his hands and looked up at the stars. He closed his eyes for a moment, opening it back up to see the same stars twinkling at him, as though they were saying hi. He smiled up at them and turned to the Moon - bright yellow and big as it sat right in the middle of the sky, demanding attention that Jin was happy to provide. He dusted his hands off and looked down at the road where there were still cars whizzing by, where the people looked tiny as they walked along the sidewalk - some with friends, some alone with headphones on, and others texting as they walked.
“I understand why you like it here,” Jin said, “You’re in the middle of the sky and the ground. You’re nowhere, but you’re everywhere all at once. You’re both insignificant and large. You’re in the middle. You’re you.”
Yoongi smiled, “And it’s quiet enough where you can hear your own thoughts.”
“But loud enough that it doesn’t plague you,” Jin finished.
They looked at each other with softened eyes and a clearer mind. There was an understanding here, one that didn’t have to be spoken; one that ran so much deeper than they originally thought.
Their souls might have been old friends, but their hearts were just getting acquainted.
Yoongi got off the ground, dusting his hands off, “Shall we?”
Jin reached out and grabbed Yoongi’s hand, softly squeezing it as he whispered a small, “Stay.”
Who was Yoongi to refuse? He sat back down and pushed his legs out so that they were dangling next to Jin’s.
And if they kept holding hands until they walked back into the apartment and got in bed, then no one had to know but them.