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Gillion couldn’t breathe. How could he possibly with someone like Caspian holding him so close? His hands just fit so seamlessly around Gillion’s waist, and his breath tingled dangerously close to his lips. Their foreheads were pressed together, and Caspian took a slow step forward, causing Gillion’s back to brush the wall behind him.
“Is this okay?” he asked, his voice very breathy and quiet. Some could even call it desperate.
And Gillion nodded. After all, who was he to deny Caspian of something he so desperately desired?
Caspian leaned in eagerly, arms tightening around his waist. The minimal distance between them was effectively closed as Gillion tilted his head up in invitation. His head and shoulders got pushed back further into the wall by the force of it all. His heart thrummed in his chest, unable to do anything besides grip Caspian’s jaw a bit harder. Caspian was so warm, everything about his touch set Gillion’s nerves on fire.
Fear started to weigh heavy in his gut.
If the people who raised him saw him now, what would they say? That was a rhetorical question, because Gillion already knew the answer. They wouldn’t say anything, just grab him by the shirt collar and lock him into his room again until he learned his lesson, all while he muttered regretful apologies under his breath.
Gillion wanted Caspian to kiss him. All of his life he was told he couldn’t do things for his own selfish needs— that he had to uphold a prophecy and bring his people glory over all. But Gillion wanted, and gods, he wanted badly.
Caspian only broke away for a split second to whisper something unintelligible before kissing him again. It seemed impossible to Gillion, but the second one had even more passion to it. Caspian’s hands slid intoxicatingly slowly up to his shoulders, making him shiver as they brushed the soft parts of his sides and ribs.
And Gillion mourned, because he couldn’t find it in himself to give that passion back. If Caspian kissed him, he could perhaps still pretend his feelings for his friend didn’t run deeper than the ocean he grew up in. But if he kissed back, then he knew he would be wholly giving himself away. The foundation he built his life upon would be washed out to sea by the current crashing its way through his heart.
He could do it, it would be so easy. Just a simple brush of his lips, and he would be bound for the rest of this life. Not by honor, not by oath, but by a feeling so powerful he dare not mention its name. The scariest part was how much he wanted to, and it was so close, driving him to the brink of madness. But he was afraid. Could he truly live with those consequences?
Caspian’s teeth nipped at his bottom lip, causing him to whine softly. Everything about the genasi was utterly thrilling, from the sound of his voice down to the smallest tip of his finger that pinned him further against the wall. Indulgently, Gillion wished this moment could last forever.
Obviously that was unrealistic, though. Gillion couldn’t be with Caspian. He had a destiny, and that was everything he could ever ask for— everything he was ever allowed to ask for. It would be unfair to Caspian. He would never be able to give him the devotion he deserved. Even now, he was too torn up to even try and return the enthusiasm that Caspian kissed him with.
The man in question stepped back, allowing them both a moment to catch their breath. His eyes were fond as he leaned forward and kissed the bridge of his nose.
“You’re perfect, Gillion,” he said, as if it was the easiest thing in the world to say.
Then he leaned down again, this time to Gillion’s neck. He gasped as the taller moved rather quickly, peppering kisses all along his throat and jawline. The burning on his skin and in his chest only grew, and his mind replayed those three simple words over and over again.
Was that truly what Caspian thought of him? Oh, who was he kidding, of course it was. Caspian was just as fervent when it came to the ones he cared about as he was. Gillion could say almost anything and Caspian would listen without question. They were similar in that way, they both wanted so much. Only Caspian did not hide from that feeling, he threw himself into it wholeheartedly.
And he continued kissing Gillion like he was his entire world. The triton was close to melting on the spot.
Caspian’s hands moved upwards, running through Gillion’s hair. His lips moved closer and closer to the sensitive skin around his gills, and it made his knees feel oddly weak. Caspian was light and warm, the exact opposite of what Gillion was used to in his old home. His lip trembled, and it took him a second longer to realize that tears were pricking his eyes.
Caspian was so devoted, and he was also unafraid to show it.
“Gillion?” Caspian hesitated, moving to look him in the eyes. It seemed he had finally caught wind of his internal conflict. His hand trailed down to cup his cheek, a bit of concern lacing his voice as he softly asked, “Is something wrong?”
Everything he was ever taught told him he couldn’t be with Caspian, but he wanted to.
“Nothing.” He grasped at the hand and brought it closer, kissing Caspian’s knuckles. “Absolutely nothing at all.”