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James inserted the keys into the keyhole, resting his forehead on the cold surface of his apartment’s door. He squeezed his eyes shut, blowing out a soft sight.
One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five.
Why couldn’t he open the door? He just had to turn the keys, he just had to move his fucking hand. But his body refused to cooperate.
He was tired.
It had been a not particularly relaxing day, to put it like that.
James had woken up numb. It happened sometimes, he usually just tried to ignore it. He wandered around joking and laughing as usual, plastering on his face a smile that took all the energy out of him. He was tired of pretending, yet he didn’t know what else he could do.
He’d tried to talk to someone, he really did.
He’d tried to hint that he was tired to Peter, just to discover that his friend had hardly slept that night because he had to finish his homework. So he offered to help him revise for the test.
He couldn’t be tired, because Peter was more so.
Then he had tried to talk to Sirius, but he was in the middle of an argument with Remus. They had been fighting a lot lately, he wasn’t really sure why. They loved each other so much, James could see it every time they looked at each other. But they both had a lot of work to do, a lot of talks to have, and of course neither of them was very kin to do so.
So, it was James’ job to talk it out with them and end the argument. It’s not that he didn’t want to help. He loved to, really. He was glad his friends needed him, that they trusted him enough to let him help with such important things.
It’s just that he was tired. And he could pretend that he wasn’t, but that didn’t make it go away.
The problem was, when he was tired, he tended to fuck things up. And he simply couldn’t afford to do that. Because he was the stable friend, the one his friends didn’t need to worry about. He was the one who was supposed to fix others’ problems, not vice versa. That was his role.
He had one thing to do, one job, and he had somehow managed to fail at that, too. But what excuse did he have?
That morning, Sirius had come to him on the verge of tears saying that he and Remus had had a really big fight. He was scared they had broken up and needed him to talk to Remus.
So he did it. Of course he did.
But then, when he had begun to explain his friend the situation, he had felt a sudden surge of anxiety wash all over his body. He couldn’t speak, he stammered on the words, couldn’t seem to find the right ones. He couldn’t think. He knew he had to say something important, something meaningful, but he was struggling too much to regulate his own breathing that he messed up a few words and ended up telling Remus that Sirius thought they had broken up, and what Remus understood was that Sirius had broken up with him.
Great.
His friend had stormed out of the room, leaving him on the couch, replaying the conversation over and over again, trying to understand where he got it wrong.
He could feel the pang of guilt slowly crawling up from his stomach, rising his throat, making him feel sick. He had made everything worse. He was supposed to help, he was supposed to say the right thing. He had to say the right thing, he was the one who always knew what to say.
But his brain wouldn’t work, he was stuck on that couch, trying not to let his tears fall. What right did he have to cry? He had just possibly destroyed his best friends relationship because he wasn’t even able to do something as simple as explaining a simple misunderstanding.
And then Sirius had come in, asking for news, and when he told him what happened, the other boy almost burst into tears. Yelling that it wasn’t what he meant, that he didn’t mean to break up, that it was the furthest from what he wanted. That it was just a stupid argument, a stupid fight.
And James had made everything worse.
So, he stayed there for a while, holding his best friend as he listened to him cry because he was the one who had messed up. He promised Sirius he would talk to Remus the next day, giving him some time to cool down.
And he went home.
During his walk back to his flat, he tried not to feel guilty for dismissing Sirius like that. He really did. He knew, theoretically speaking, that his friends’ relationship wasn’t his responsibility. He knew that they were perfectly capable of handling a fight on their own.
He knew that.
But he couldn’t shake off the feeling that he was just repeating that to himself as an excuse for fucking everything up.
Funny thing, how the mind works sometimes. It tells you that it’s not your fault, that you’re allowed to mess up sometimes, that not everything is your responsibility. And then it kindly reminds you that all that you’re saying is a poor attempt of justifying your being a bad person.
How funny.
James sighed, turning the keys and opening the door.
“I’m home, love,” he announced to the empty living-room, taking off his shoes and throwing his bag on the nearest chair.
To be completely honest, he just wanted Regulus.
They had been together for a couple years now. The best of James’ life. After Remus and Sirius had gotten together, they had moved in the same apartment in the college’s hall of residence, and James had asked Regulus to move in with him since his brother had left him with an empty room.
Now, Sirius was sleeping at Peter’s for the night.
He swallowed, shaking his head as he closed the door behind him.
He needed Regulus. He wanted him to hug him, to hold him, to kiss thim and play with his hair while they watched a movie. Maybe drinking cocoa.
Despite everything, he smiled to himself. Regulus always had the power to bring a smile on his face. He was his little, personal source of energy, the star that lit up the darkest of his nights.
James entered the kitchen, looking around for his boyfriend. He was sure he was home, his coat and his shoes where just next to his. He noticed with sigh that there were no dishes in the sink. Had Regulus been eating while he wasn’t home? He bit his lip, heading for the boy’s bedroom. Maybe he was sleeping. He, too, had seemed pretty tired that morning.
“Reg, you here?” he asked, gently knocking on the door. No answer came from the inside.
He knocked once again, just for good measure, then entered the room.
Regulus was sitting cross-legged on the bed, his laptop on his knees and a few books scattered around. Oh, he did look tired. There were dark bags circling his beautiful grey eyes, was still in his college uniform, tie and everything.
“Hey love,” he smiled at him, coming closer and sitting on the edge of the bed.
Regulus didn’t even look up from the essay he was writing, eyes glued to the screen.
James cleared his throat, nervously drumming his fingers on his knee. “Reg?” he tried again, worry slowly pooling in his stomach. “Have you eaten today? I went to the kitchen, but I didn’t see any dishes in the sink. I mean, you don’t exactly love washing the dishes, so I assume you haven’t eaten?”
Regulus’ fingers stopped for a moment, his eyes quickly glancing at him. “No. Not hungry. I have work to do as you can see,” he replied dryly.
“But you have to eat something love, it’s not good for you,” James objected, already standing up. “What do you want me to make you? Would you like a toast? I think we still have some bacon from yesterday-”
“I told you I’m not hungry,” Regulus interrupted him, his eyes never leaving the screen.
James felt an uncomfortable knot tying up his throat. “Baby, you have to eat something. You’re tired, how about taking a break?”
No answer, just more typing.
“We could watch a movie? Maybe I could help you with your essay?”
Silence. He might as well have been talking to a wall.
James was tired. He was worried. He didn’t like when Regulus didn’t eat, he often forgot to. He didn’t want him to neglect himself. He needed him to take a break. And maybe it was selfish, but he didn’t have the energy to take care of him right now. For once, he needed someone to take care of him without him having to ask.
“You could at least look at me, you know? I’m right here.”
Regulus suddenly closed his laptop, throwing it into his bag and standing up on the opposite side of the bed.
“You know,” he snapped, the annoyance in his voice ringing loud and clear in James’ ears, as he collected his books and shot him a glare. “If you want me to eat that much, I’m going out. Eat a fucking pizza or something, you happy?”
James opened his mouth to answer, but Regulus shut him up raising a hand. “And don’t bother calling, you’re not my fucking mother. I have shit to do, can’t deal with this right now.”
He marched past him, without even looking back.
“I’ll be back for dinner.”
With that, he left the room, slamming the door behind him.
James stood there, without moving an inch. He wasn’t breathing. He could feel the tears pooling in his eyes. He couldn’t cry. He didn’t want to.
Then, he heard the sound of the front door close. And the tears began to fall.
Slowly, he climbed on the bed, laying in the same spot where Regulus had been studying.
He didn’t want to cry. He needed to get up and go after him. Tell him that he wanted him there. That he was tired, too, and didn’t want to fight. That he was sorry for causing another fight.
Because lately, that’s all he was good at, was he? Making people angry. Making things worse. He tried to help, and that was the result.
He just wanted to help. He just wanted to be useful. He couldn’t even do that. What was he good at, then? What was his purpose, his utility? What was the point of having him around if everything he did only worsened the situation? No wonder everybody was mad at him. He would be mad at himself, too.
A sob escaped his throat, tears now streaming down his face, unable to be stopped. He was pathetic, really. What was he even crying for?
Because he was tired? Well, shit, he wasn’t the only one. Because he needed tranquillity? Maybe so did Regulus, and he only managed to stress him out more. He just wanted to help.
He just wanted to help.
He only ever wanted to help.
And yet he could only fuck things up.
He couldn’t do anything right.
He was just a burden.
Nobody would need him if he only went around making things worse for everybody.
Nobody wanted him around.
He didn’t want to be around himself either, yet there he was, stuck with himself.
Maybe that was the real reason why he was crying.
Somewhere, in a remote part of his brain that was still functioning properly, he knew that he was spiralling, that he was driving himself into an anxiety attack with his overthinking.
Well, he couldn’t exactly command his thought to stop, could he?
He curled up on himself, his glasses now fogged and tilted to the side of his face. He tried to slow down his breathing, not to make a sound, but he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t make it stop. His eyes were hurting, burning, his throat was arse from the sobs.
Maybe he wanted to cry, he needed to, but the more he did, the worse he felt.
He had made Regulus angry. He was tired and hadn’t been eating and needed to sleep and James had only managed to make him angry, too.
Maybe Remus was tired, too. Maybe so was Sirius. And while he was supposed to help them to make up, he had only made it worse. Now they weren’t speaking, they were sleeping in separate apartments, they thought they had broken up, and it was all his fault.
It was all his fault.
He wasn’t good at anything.
He wasn’t good enough for his friends.
He wasn’t good enough for his own boyfriend.
He wasn’t good enough.
He wasn’t enough.
And anytime he pretended he was he ended up making things worse.
He had messed up and he was the one crying.
He was pathetic.
Useless.
Worthless.
Not enough.
What could he do to be enough?
Just for once.
Why did he have to be such a disappointment?
He was trying, he really was.
Couldn’t they see it?
Couldn’t they see how tired he was?
He wasn’t allowed to be tired. He couldn’t be. He had no reason to be.
And yet.
“James?” he heard a hesitant voice call from the living-room.
His entire body went completely still.
“James are you still home?” Regulus’ voice. He was home. He had come back.
James wasn’t breathing. His lungs weren’t working right. He couldn’t make any sound, he couldn’t cry in front of Regulus. In a matter of seconds, he would’ve entered the room and found him like that. He couldn’t let that happen. He couldn’t.
He knew he should do something. He should wipe the tears away from his face, he should sit up right, he should-
He couldn’t move.
“James? Are you here?”
A knock.
“James please, I’m sorry.” Regulus sounded sad. He didn’t like when he sounded sad.
He was sad because of him.
He had made him sad.
A sob escaped his lips before he was able to stop it.
“Okay, I’m coming in,” Regulus’ muffled voice sentenced. Then, he opened the door.
James squeezed his eyes shut. He didn’t want to see the disappointment on his face. He didn’t want him to worry. He didn’t want him to be sad. He didn’t want people to be sad because of him. That’s all he could do. Make people sad. Make things worse. Why couldn’t he make one thing right?
Just one.
Just once.
“Jam- JAMES!” Regulus panicked voice made James squeeze his eyes even harder, causing more tears to fall on his cheeks. He wanted it to stop. He couldn’t make it stop. Why wouldn’t it stop?
“Nononono, no James- Jamie, hey, love, please look at me?” The voice was getting closer and closer, until he felt a sudden shift on the mattress, a weight right next to him. He shook his head, turning his face on the opposite side, uselessly trying to hide away, curling himself in a ball.
“Oh, shit shit shit,” Regulus now sounded like he was about to cry. He was making things worse once again. He was making him upset. If only he could stop crying-
He couldn’t breathe.
“Jamie, love please, I need you to breathe, okay? Please love, do it with me. In.”
James felt a hand gently brush his hair off his forehead. He tried to breathe.
“Out. Good, you’re doing great baby,” Regulus murmured, stroking his cheek. “Again, okay? In. okay, keep it, keep it, and now out. Again, you’re doing great.”
James kept breathing, following the sound of his boyfriend’s voice.
In.
Out.
In.
Out.
“Can I hold you?” the voice asked, so uncertain, so fragile. He wanted to hear that voice laugh. Regulus had the most beautiful laugh. He wanted to make him laugh again, but he was making him cry. He didn’t deserve to be held. But he was selfish. He wanted to.
He nodded shakily and immediately felt his boyfriend’s arm wrap around him, pulling him against his chest, head tucked under Regulus’ chin.
“I’m sorry Jamie, I’m so sorry,” he whispered in his hair, one hand circling his shoulders and the other stroking his back. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you, you didn’t have anything to do with that. I’m sorry love, I know you were just trying to help.”
That.
That was the final straw.
“I’m sorry-” he chocked out, clinging to Regulus’ shirt, the sobs he had been desperately trying to hold back finally erupting from his throat. “I’m- I’m sorry I- I didn’t wanna make you a-angry I- I know I made things worse and- and you were already stressed out and I- I was supposed to h-help you but- but I can’t I- I only mess up-”
“James no, no please listen to me-”
“I keep- I keep disappointing you-” he sobbed, gasping for air, coughing and crying at the same time. His throat hurt, his eyes were burning, he just wanted it all to stop. “First with Sirius and Remus and- and now with you and- and I’m so- so sorry because I don’t- I just wanted to help but- but I’m tired.”
He wept even harder, burying his face in Regulus’ chest. He could feel his boyfriend’s arms tighten around him, trying to keep him from shaking too hard. He heard him whisper something, but couldn’t understand what he was saying.
“I’m tired,” he admitted, hating how shaky his voice sounded. “I’m tired, I’m so tired and- and I wanted to be with you because- because you always make it better but- but I upset you, that’s- that’s all I can do- I’m sorry I disappointed you I didn’t- I didn’t wanna- please don’t be mad at me-”
“I’m not,” Regulus interrupted him firmly. “I’m not mad at you James, God how could I? You’re the one who should be mad at me. I’m the one who yelled at you for no reason, this is not your fault. Oh, come here love,” he murmured, kissing the top of his head.
“Jamie, I need you to listen to me, okay? Can you look at me, please? I’m not angry, I promise. Maybe a bit at myself for making you cry, but not at you. Never at you, okay? Can you do it? Look at me?”
James blinked away the tears, slowly lifting his gaze to meet the other boy’s eyes.
Regulus was looking at him with such tenderness, his expression so soft that James felt like crying all over again.
“Hey,” he smiled at him, kissing the tip of his nose and carefully cradling his face in his hands. He liked it, the tickling of his lips on his nose, the feeling of his fingers on his skin.
James tried to smile back, but only managed to force out a poor, wobbly excuse for a smile.
“I love you,” Regulus murmured, softly stroking his cheeks with his thumbs. “I love you so much James. I’m sorry I took it out on you, it wasn’t fair of me, but that was in no way your fault, okay? Please tell me you know it. It wasn’t your fault, love. Not everything bad that happens to people is your fault.”
Did he know that? Well, yes, of course he did. But then why didn’t it feel like it?
“I need you to listen very carefully to what I’m about to say, alright?”
James nodded, biting his lip not to make any noise.
Regulus sighed, a sad look crossing his eyes, as he leaned in to kiss him on the forehead.
“You are a very special person," he murmured softly. “You always try to help everyone, you’re always there to remind people to sleep or eat or drink. You’re always there when someone needs a shoulder to cry on or someone who listens to them. You’re always there for everybody and you do your best. But Jamie, your friends are not your responsibility. No listen, I need you to understand this.”
He swallowed, giving him a reassuring smile. James smiled a bit, too. He loved Regulus’ smile. He was so beautiful, so, so beautiful when he smiled.
“You’re just a boy, okay? Just because you had a good childhood it doesn’t mean that you’re not allowed to have problems, okay? Just because your mental health is better than your friends’ it doesn’t mean that you can’t be sad or can’t have bad days. You’re exhausting yourself love, you’re not in charge of fixing everyone’s problems. And it’s okay to mess up sometimes, because you forget that you’re human, too. You can’t carry it all. You can’t put this kind of pressure on yourself, it’s not healthy. You said you’re tired, right?”
James managed a small nod. He couldn’t cry again. He wouldn’t. He would not.
Regulus’ eyes turned even sadder, if possible, as he pulled him closer to him, tangling their legs together.
“Oh baby, I’m so sorry I didn’t notice it before,” he whispered in his hair, voice cracking a bit. “I don’t know what happened between Sirius and Remus, I talked to Sirius and he only told me that he was on his way to Remus’ apartment to sort things out. They’ll be okay, they always are. But Jamie, fixing their relationship problems is not your job, just like it’s not your job to take care of everyone’s problems. No one expects you to do that, no one.”
He stopped for a moment, cupping his face and forcing him to meet his eyes. “I need you to believe me when I say that you’re loved regardless of what you do, okay? You’re not a failure and you didn’t disappoint me, nor anyone else. You’re one of the best people I know and it- it kills me that you can’t see it.”
He squeezed him tighter, placing a soft, long kiss on the top of his head. “I love you so much you have no idea. Don’t ever think, not even for a second, that you only make things worse for the ones around you. You saved my brother and you saved me, okay? And you keep saving me every day, by just being here and by just being you. You, James Potter, make me a better person. You taught me how to begin to live again, so don’t ever say that you’re a failure or that you’re not worthy of love or shit like that because I swear to God I will punch you in that pretty face of yours, am I understood?”
James teared up, letting out a wet laugh as Regulus leaned in to kiss him.
It was soft, sweet, warm and it felt like home. For the first time since that morning, James was finally able to relax, to release all the tension and the anxiety that had been crawling in his body for hours. He completely abandoned himself in his lover’s arms, letting him hold him, savouring the taste of his lips, the warmth of his hands, the pressure of his body around his own.
Regulus kissed him, and James felt like breathing again.
“I’m sorry,” the other boy said, after he broke the kiss. “There’s no excuse for my behaviour. I’m so, so sorry I made you feel like you were the one who’d done something wrong. I’m sorry I upset you. You could never disappoint me Jamie, never.”
James snuggled closer in his arms, smiling against his neck. “I love you.”
Regulus laughed, the sound of it reverberating in his throat, against James’ ear, warm and cosy. “Love you too.”
He sighed contently, enjoying the feeling of being just held like that, arms wrapped around him like a blanket, cuddled and kissed, like he was important, like he mattered.
Oh, how he loved Regulus Black.
“Do you wanna watch a movie?” Regulus asked him, combing his hair with his fingers.
James hummed, nodding against his chest.
“The Greatest Showman?”
He hummed again.
Regulus chuckled, stretching his arm to reach the laptop in the bag. He opened it, while James changed his position to sit more upright, leaning his back against his boyfriend’s chest.
Regulus switched off the light as the movie started, kissing James once more. Maybe, just maybe, messing up was okay. It was human after all, just like him.
And maybe, he thought as the music started to play, just maybe, it was okay to be sad sometimes. It was okay to be comforted. It was okay to ask for help.
It’s everything you ever want.
Especially if it led right there, in Regulus’ arms.
It’s everything you ever need.
James smiled to himself, watching a young Phineas pirouette on the screen.
And it’s here right in front of you.
He wouldn’t have wanted to be anywhere else in the world.
This is where you wanna be.