Chapter Text
1.
When Izuku woke up that day, he felt giddy with excitement. For the first time in a long time, he was looking forward to going to school. It wasn’t a day like any other. On any other day, everyone in his middle school class would ignore him just as usual – stupid useless Deku that he was. On any other day, nobody even payed him a single look. It would be a waste to invest any time in him specifically – he was worthless without a quirk; his homeroom teacher had told him many times. He wouldn’t even be able to defend himself anyways, let alone be a contributing member of today’s society. Those were the words of the quirk counselor when Izuku was four. But as he opened his eyes this morning and saw the dust particles dancing in the gentle rays of sunlight that shone through his bedroom window, he knew today was going to be different. Today was his birthday.
He got up from his bed with a bit less of a heavy weight on his chest than usual and put on his school uniform while listening to a new song he discovered recently. It made him feel a newfound sort of comfort as he went over the subjects he was going to have today in his mind. Gym class was … well, certainly something. But history and Japanese weren’t that bad, he could handle that. He was even (kind of) looking forward to biology! Learning about the nature around him ignited a certain spark in him that other subjects usually snuffed out. Maybe, he thought, today was going to be alright. He wasn’t sure if it’d be good, but alright felt like a nice place to start with.
“Have a good day at school, sweetie! Happy birthday!” His mother called from the kitchen as he was just about to leave. “Thanks mom!” He replied, a slight note of a smile in his voice. When he turned around one last time, he noticed a bit of relief in her expression. Seeing that made him happy, too. He knew how easily she worried about him when he came back from school all teary-eyed and went up to his room without saying a word. He really didn’t want her to worry about his feelings. It really was nothing – he knew that he was a bit of a crybaby and that he always took things too seriously. That’s what Kacchan usually told him whenever Izuku got anxious again at the very loud, jarring noise of his explosion quirk, anyways. Izuku made a mental note to hide his crying better in the future, so that his mother wouldn’t need to worry so much. She was such a good mother and he really loved her – she didn’t deserve a child that only caused her headaches.
The sound of birds singing and wind rustling through treetops kept him company as he made his way to Aldera middle school. He soon found himself to have a spring in his step as he thought about the upcoming school day. A lot of nice things could possibly happen. Maybe a teacher would see his birthday as an opportunity to go a little easier on him today or pay extra attention to him during an assignment. Perhaps, some of his classmates would greet him when they saw him arrive through the school gate. There was also the chance that Kacchan might make some kind of remark about his birthday. It would make Izuku really happy if his former best friend remembered that it was today, even though he also told himself to not get his hopes up because Kacchan already had so much to think about with his deep commitment to become a great hero in the future, so there probably wasn’t that much time to think about something as insignificant as other people’s birthdays.
Finally, the school building was in sight. He shook off his scattered thoughts as he became part of the steady stream of students seamlessly. He couldn’t make out anyone from his class just yet, but he would met them soon enough. Finding his way through the winding hallways of the complex, Izuku felt the usual uneasy feeling creep up his stomach as he approached his classroom. Memories from his last birthday welled up, but he pushed them aside. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath and opened the classroom door. This was not going to be like last time.
The atmosphere felt like it plummeted when he entered the room. As he made his way through the crowd of classmates, he took note of a few groups of people pausing their conversations temporarily and glancing at him in a vague sort of manner that he couldn’t quite interpret. With those cold eyes on him and the sudden silence, he quickly grew twitchy and hurried to his desk in the back with a ducked head. Slowly, the murmur started again and Izuku let out a shivery breath while he bit down on his lower lip. That calmed him somewhat. He really needed to get his nervousness under control if he ever wanted to make any friends.
His breath hitched when Kacchan burst through the door, the ringing of the school bell an indicator that the quick-tempered boy had arrived just in time for the beginning of the first lesson. He shot a quick glare at Izuku before settling down at his own desk, whispering something to the person sitting next to him that made them both suppress a laugh. The History teacher arrived soon after and prompted everyone to open their books where they left off last time.
History and Japanese went by painfully slow. Izuku found himself doodling hero fanart on the side of his page instead of writing the analysis of the poem that they were asked to do. The room was full of soft murmur and it was hard for him to concentrate. It was often like this. Everyone was chatting contentedly about something trivial, exchanging news, sharing stories about last weekend, while Izuku could do nothing but sit there in the corner, not a soul interested in catching up with him.
A pang of sadness made itself felt in his chest. No one had mentioned his birthday in the slightest up until now. He shook his head to get rid of the feeling. It was selfish of him to expect that today would revolve around him all the time. He was only sad because he always took things too seriously. He pressed his lips together in a thin line to keep his composure. Should he mention that it was is birthday to anyone? Maybe they just forgot- … No, the only thing that that would accomplish was making him look really childish. Only a preschooler would announce their birthday to the whole class like it was the most important day of the year. Better to not tell anyone. If someone remembered, they would come to him for sure.
The bell rang once more, signaling the beginning of a new lesson. Biology! He recalled with a quiet sort of joy. Last week, they had learned about the biology of quirks – a topic that peaked his interest greatly. He fidgeted with his pencil as the teacher went up to the board to announce today’s topic. “Please get together in pairs of two! You’ll be doing a group project.”
Izuku’s heart sank when he heard the dreaded words. Group projects were never easy for him. As he sat there alone at his desk in the corner of the classroom, he felt completely and utterly powerless when he watched everyone turn to their best friend, laughing and smiling and chattering, visibly excited about the news. Izuku felt frozen in place, a dark, draining emotion clinging to him from under his ribcage. He just couldn’t move, even if he wanted to, as he saw all the different pairs form in a matter of seconds. It was a feeling like sand falling through his fingers, opportunities fleeting away, and then he realized the worst part. His class had an uneven number of people.
“Choose your partner well – you’ll be working together for the rest of the semester” The teacher spoke up once more. Just stop it, shut up, I don’t know what to do, I want to disappear-- Gathering all his willpower, Izuku managed to get up from his chair, searching the room for anyone else who hadn’t found a partner yet.
There, when he was just about to give up, he saw a girl sitting across the room, looking around in a shy, questioning manner similar to his. Hopeful, he turned to walk towards her, but right as he was about to open his mouth, another girl bounced to her side, joyful expression and hasty breath. “I collected the material! Thanks for waiting here for me.”
He felt so dumb, so incredibly dumb for even trying – of course she already had a partner. Only a total loser would still be without a partner by this point. With shaky hands and cold sweat, he stumbled back to his own desk. The teacher walked over to him after a few minutes. “Do you still not have a partner?” Izuku blinked away the tears that had started to form in his eyes and nodded slowly, not speaking a word in fear of his voice sounding weird. “Well okay, you’ll do this project by yourself, then.”
The teacher went over to someone else, her expression speaking for itself. Izuku knew how tired she was of putting up with his nervous nonsense. No one wanted to have an anxious, awkward student like him, he was sure. He was such a bother to deal with. That’s what Kacchan had said to him, anyways.
The rest of the biology lesson was a blur. He couldn’t remember it quite that clearly. It was most likely that he had just sat there the whole time, retreated to some place inside his head, wishing to be as far away from everything as possible. Probably, he had buried his face in his hands, trying to hide away from the outside world, or staring out the window, imagining what it would be like to live as someone else. If he had the choice, he’d like to be a small bird on a treetop, able to fly anywhere and everywhere he wanted, without having to deal with any of his dumb human thoughts. But he couldn’t be a bird, and so he packed his school stuff with a heavy heart and followed his classmates to gym class when the bell rang.
Gym class had always been his least favorite. He wasn’t as strong as the others. When they had to jog in circles across the sports hall to warm up, he was the one to run behind the group alone. He couldn’t keep up and he hated himself for it. Surely All Might would never struggle with keeping up. He pressed his eyes shut for a short moment to drown out the noise. He knew he needed to work harder, exercise more often, be better, but where did one take the energy to do all those things? Izuku didn’t know, and frankly, he was exhausted. Not necessarily from the running, but from something deeper within, something that gnawed away at his bones and consumed his inner organs and didn’t let him sleep. He felt horribly weak.
“Come here, children, we’re playing basketball!” The shrill shouting of the gym teacher made Izuku flinch, and he took a deep breath to try and calm his rapidly pounding heart. Everyone gathered in the middle of the hall, and then the worst part of gym class began: forming teams.
Of course, the gym teacher chose Kacchan to be one of the team leaders. He deserved it. He was really strong for his age. Together with a wiry but fit boy, he was tasked to pick out members for his team. So, everyone lined up neatly, waiting to be examined for their usefulness.
“I want Tsubasa!” The round-faced boy with the draconic wings stepped to Kacchan’s side with a smug grin as his name was called. The other team leader let his eyes wander across the group, searching for someone suitable with the utmost sense of importance.
Awkwardly, Izuku shifted the balance of his legs. Being scrutinized like this did nothing to ease his already tense demeanor. He knew he wasn’t going to be chosen as a member of anyone’s team just now. He was used to it. Being quirkless came with a lot of by-effects. This was one of the more unpleasant ones. When everyone played to win, they wanted only the best by their side. It was no good getting his hopes up. The more he thought about it, he was getting kind of self-conscious, being out in the open like that.
Oh no, he must have zoned out again! He noticed with shock as everyone seemed to be staring at him all of the sudden. He pressed his fingernails into the inside of his palm to uphold his focus. It looked like a few students were having a dispute with the teacher about a topic unknown to Izuku, and someone was pointing at him.
“But I don’t want to take him into my team! He’ll only slow us down!”
Like through a wall of cotton, he recognized Kacchan’s angry voice. Were they … arguing about him? It all felt kind of far away.
“That’s not fair! It’s your turn to pick! Why should I have to take him?”
Abruptly, Izuku became uncomfortably aware of his surroundings again. He was still standing at the same place as before, the striking difference being that he was now the only one. All the others were situated a bit farther away, nicely separated into two different groups. Apparently, all his classmates had already been chosen. Useless useless useless-- He felt as if his head had been dunked in cold water – realization rushing through him like a mountain creek, stirring to activate his survival reflexes while numbing him at the same time.
“That’s enough! Katsuki, you take him now!” The teacher exercised their authority, grabbing Izuku by the arm and pulling him to one of the groups with force. “Get onto your assigned sides of the playing field!” The shrill blow of a whistle signaled the beginning of the game.
Being in Kacchan’s team should have made Izuku happy – he had been his best friend a couple of years ago, after all. But in that moment, it made him feel like his limbs were made of lead, dragging him down. His lungs might as well be filled with molten metal, because he felt like he couldn’t breathe at all when Kacchan glared at him with a furious kind of anger as he walked by. Like through sticky fog, Izuku moved across the field and assumed a position near the back.
He didn’t know how basketball even worked. The teacher hadn’t explained the rules, sort of just expecting the class to already know. The gym was a wild blur of different shapes and colors, teenagers running and jumping about, shoving against each other wherever the ball came down with aggressive vigor. Haphazardly, Izuku stumbled into the same general direction as the crowd to give off the impression that he was participating just as enthusiastically.
The game went on like that for quite some time. Back and forth, the two teams exchanged points. They seemed to be almost equal in strength. Whoever managed to score the next point would determine it all. That was when the ball flew – for the first time – straight to where Izuku was standing.
It felt like electricity rushing through his veins, exhilarating and terrifying at the same time. He wanted to prove that he was good enough, that he could, in fact, help his team to snag the victory. The moment seemed to happen in slow-motion. Fog cleared from his mind somewhat, Izuku felt suddenly very hyper-aware of his own movements. He jumped up into the air, reaching for the quickly approaching ball, and then … a loud blast robbed him of his senses.
“Get out of my way, Deku!”
Within a split-second, everything was painfully bright … until it wasn’t anymore, and the pain erupted elsewhere. Izuku screamed. He couldn’t even remember when he had started screaming, but he hurt, he hurt everywhere, and the worst part was that he couldn’t see. He felt the familiar relentlessness of Kacchan’s fist against his sternum. The second explosion made his ears ring, leaving him dull and empty like a toy as he collapsed onto the ground. Barely conscious, he curled in on himself. The last of his composure crumbled to dust. All he could register at the moment was his own violent shaking.
He regained his senses agonizingly slow. His head was pounding and his mouth felt dry. When he opened his eyes again, he was looking through a wet veil of tears. Numbly, he tried to make sense of his surroundings. His classmates were still chasing the ball around the hall. His gym teacher was still watching them eagerly from a safe distance. Why were they not-- He blinked frantically to hide his tears.
His fault, it was his fault, he shouldn’t expect-- A choked sob found its way through his throat. It sounded pathetic. They couldn’t see him like this.
A few more minutes passed until he was able to get up. With weak knees, he staggered towards the locker room, barely managing to hold his balance. He fled inside the toilet stall and locked the door. When he sank down against the wall, it all came crashing down on him. Pulling his knees up to his chest, he let himself cry freely for the first time on that day.
What had he done wrong? The thought ghosted through his mind. He knew that for everything that happened, there was a reason. Every action had a consequence and Izuku’s actions had somehow brought him here. There must have been something that he could have done differently.
Do you still not have a partner?
He’ll only slow us down!
Why should I have to take him?
Get out of my way, Deku!
The memories haunted him and it stung. It hurt almost worse than the physical pain. It felt like his skin was so tight that it was in the process of suffocating him. The itchy, tingly sensation was everywhere. He wanted to forget how gross that felt. He hated it – hated it – and he needed it to go away. He couldn’t feel like that for just a moment longer or his body would burst into pieces.
He had read about the concept of self-harm before, somewhere on the internet in a forum post. People did it to feel better when they were in a dark place, right? He thought as he leaned against the wall of the toilet stall. It already felt pretty dark inside his mind, so how much worse could it really get? Maybe, maybe if he hurt himself, he thought, maybe then someone would look at him?
Izuku buried his head in his hands. It hurt from all the crying. It was pathetic. He was pathetic. He desperately wanted someone, anyone, to see him for who he was. Someone who wouldn’t react with ignorance. God, would anyone even care if something happened to him? Out of reflex, he pressed a hand on his mouth to stifle the sobs that bubbled up in response to that thought.
When he dug his fingernails into the flesh of his arm for the first time, it felt like the gross feeling underneath his skin could finally ease. Red lines followed his touch. His nails were uneven and ragged from frequent biting. He scraped them up and down his body in a frenzy, wildly and frantically.
He felt guilty, but the shameful feeling was soon overpowered by something that he couldn’t quite describe yet. Clear-headedness, vivid exhilaration – a feeling like taking a breath of fresh air when before, he felt like drowning.
He concentrated his scratching onto a spot on his left wrist, speeding up until he found that he had drawn blood. He didn’t stop. This was what he had needed to do. Heat flared up where his nails had been, and sweet, sweet pain trickled down his body, enveloping him in a warm cocoon. A place where he was safe. No one could take that away from him. He made another wound. And another.
Examining his messy work made him feel a newfound calmness. As he saw the red leaking out of him, he knew that he was alive. At least there was one thing about his birthday that he could control.
When Izuku came back home a few hours later, he smiled so brightly that it hurt.
“I had a pretty good day, mom!”