Chapter Text
A few weeks later
“She's losing too much blood.”
Thwack. The strike of leather on skin as Chakotay's opponent struck his shoulder. Hard.
“Doctor, there's something unexpected on Janeway's scans.”
“Let me see…”
Smack. A glove to his chin this time, crunching his jaw together.
“We need to remove the embryo.”
Fire. In his lungs. As he gasped for each breath. Chakotay reached for the ropes, sagged against them.
“I'm sorry, there's nothing more we could have done.”
Oof. An unexpected strike to his side.
“We lost the baby, Kathryn.”
Another jab to his side, and he had taken all the beating he could tolerate.
“Computer, delete opponent,” he called out.
The holographic boxer disappeared, and suddenly he was alone. More alone.
Chakotay spat out his gum shield and ripped off the bands around his gloves with teeth. Once his hands were free and unbound he flexed his fingers, eased them back into a normal grip. He sat on the bench with sagged shoulders and clasped hands, head hung as he tried to clear the memories which persisted to invade his mind.
The timer alerting him to the end of his holodeck session caught him unexpectedly.
How long had he been sitting there lost in thought?
-
His quarters were quiet. Too quiet.
Kathryn was finishing a shift, so he made dinner alone. Sat and ate by himself.
Chakotay found himself glancing frequently at the clock on the wall.
Each second ticking by slowly.
One hour. Two went by.
Her dinner was on the side, having long ago grown cold. Knowing that the food would no longer be any good he placed it in the replicator, and exited their quarters.
It had been several weeks since the incident which had lost them a much wanted pregnancy. Kathryn had fallen into an uneasy habit of working long shifts and taking on extra duties as she struggled to deal with the loss.
As expected, he found her by the warp core, tinkering with settings during a quiet Beta shift.
"You missed dinner," he commented as he came alongside her.
She barely glanced up at him. "The phase inhibitors have been causing us trouble all week. This is my first chance to have a look at them."
"We have an entire engineering team to do that," he needlessly reminded her.
She shrugged in response.
"Kathryn…"
Knowing his tone, she glanced over at him. "Don't say it."
Grasping his hands together, he propped his hip against the console she was working at. "I miss you,” he said simply.
Kathryn paused at his confession, drew back from the console and looked at him. Really looked. Whatever she saw, instantly disarmed her. Her expression softened and she reached for his hand. “I'm sorry… I haven't been around much, have I?”
“I know you don't want to talk about it, and we don't need to, not until you're ready. But I want my wife back. I want to spend time with you. Love you. Hold you.”
Kathryn closed the gap between them, resting a palm delicately on his chest. He covered her hand with his own, and leaned forward to meet her lips halfway for a gentle kiss.
She let out a small sigh as they drew apart. “I can do better,” she promised. For a second it looked like there were other promises she wanted to make too, but the moment was interrupted by the chirp of both their combadges.
“ Freeman to Janeway and Chakotay, can you both join me in my ready room please?”
His wife shot him a questioning look, but he shrugged his shoulders, none the wiser as to why they were being summoned.
Kathryn tapped her badge, “On our way.”
-
They walked in relative silence to the ship's command centre. At some point Chakotay's hand found hers, and although it was a simple touch, it felt overwhelmingly comforting. Losing the pregnancy had been devastating, but with this man by her side, she felt like they could face anything together.
She didn't know then, that they were about to be put through another test.
Freeman's face said it all the moment they both stepped through the doors to his ready room. The grim set of his mouth, the downcast eyes. Something terrible had happened, and it was their captain's responsibility to break it to them.
Chakotay detected it too, his grip on her hand tightening as he braced for impact.
“What's happened?” Kathryn asked, wanting it over with quickly. Whatever it was.
Freeman's eyes flickered involuntarily to Chakotay, and her heart stopped. This wasn't her news he was about to break.
“There's no good way to tell you this Chakotay, but your father died last night.”
Chakotay's hand instantly fell away from hers and he staggered back as if he'd been hit. “No,” he breathed.
“I'm so sorry,” Freeman said softly.
“I spoke with him…” Chakotay hesitated, and then he covered his mouth with shock when he realised how many days it had been since they had last spoken. “He can't be dead. He's fit… strong.”
Freeman straightened his posture, and Kathryn realised there was much more to the story. “There was a skirmish with some Cardassian soldiers in town. Your father tried to intervene, and unfortunately got caught in the crossfire. The Cardassians are reporting it as a misunderstanding. The officer responsible for discharging the weapon is being dealt with.”
As the full story unfolded, she watched as Chakotay's fingers balled into fists.
“Like hell that was an accident,” Chakotay snapped, the frustration clear in his tone.
Freeman glanced to his first officer for support. It broke Kathryn from her frozen state. She crossed over to her husband, and placed a comforting hand on his forearm before turning back to their captain. “Chakotay's mother and the rest of his family?”
“I understand they're all safe. The Cardassians have pulled back troops from the area out of consideration for what's happened.”
“Are we able to establish subspace communications?”
“Unfortunately we're too far away from the relay station.” Freeman furrowed his brow before addressing Chakotay directly. “I asked for the Gage to be redirected to Trebus, to help soothe out some of the tensions, but my request was denied. Starfleet doesn't want to do anything which would risk the delicate truce we have with Cardassia.”
Chakotay's chest lifted and then dropped heavily, with the effort it took to take his next breath. “I understand,” he said, but the bitterness was there in his tone.
“You know how I feel about the situation with Cardassia, Chakotay.” Freeman said carefully, each word measured, and Kathryn knew instantly that this wasn't the first time it had been discussed between the two men. “But my hands are tied; I can't take a Galaxy class vessel into an already contentious situation… I can, however, release my tactical officer on compassionate leave.”
Chakotay's eyes snapped up to meet Freeman's, immediately understanding what their captain couldn't say. “You would allow me to return to Trebus?”
“Take some time to consider it,” Freeman cautioned, as his eyes flickered to meet Kathryn's, “I know you recently suffered another loss. This is probably a lot to take in right now. But if you need to go home, I can help you make those arrangements.”
“Thank you, Sir,” Chakotay said solemnly, but Kathryn could tell he was more in shock than anything else.
After Freeman dismissed them, they made their way quietly back to quarters. In the turbo lift Kathryn slipped her hand into his and gave it a supportive squeeze, to which he shot her a sad but grateful smile.
“It doesn't feel real,” Chakotay said as they stepped through the doors to their home.
Kathryn busied herself at the replicator, making them both tea. There was already a tight pull at her chest from the news, she could only imagine Chakotay's would be a thousand fold once it sank in. “I know,” she said quietly, knowing all too well exactly what it felt like.
Chakotay sat himself down on the couch, leaning forward onto his elbows and clasping his hands in front of him. “I knew things were escalating on Trebus; but this…” he let out a long breath, “I feel so powerless.”
Kathryn put the tea on the table before them, and took a seat beside her husband. “Do you need to go back to Trebus? It sounds like the captain would be supportive.”
Chakotay glanced over at her, “I can't leave you,” he said simply, “Not right now.”
“I would come with you,” she offered up easily.
Chakotay gave her his full attention, “Kathryn, the situation on Trebus right now… I'm worried it's too-” She could tell he was about to say ‘dangerous’ but he quickly stopped and checked himself. “...There are too many tensions.”
Kathryn leaned forward, wrapping an arm around his back and resting her chin on his shoulder. “Then it's a good job I'm trained to deal with difficult situations.”
He choked out a sad laugh at her quip, and then turned to her with sorrowful eyes. “You would come with me? For my family?”
“ Our family,” she corrected, incredulous he would doubt her after all this time.
His shoulders sagged and she knew he was about to relent, “If the doctor gives you the go ahead, we'll go to Trebus together.”
Kathryn held him a little tighter, grateful to have a way forward, knowing it would be the start of his healing process. She knew from experience that the path ahead would be long and arduous, but she was confident they could navigate it. They were always at their strongest together.
-
Chakotay didn't get much sleep that night. Not that he expected to. He lay awake on the bed with his exhausted wife curled up beside him.
Dead. His father was gone. It felt like such a remote and unbelievable concept, that someone who meant so much to him could be there one day and gone another.
Kathryn had tried her best to comfort him that evening. Desperate to soothe away the shock from a grief she knew all too well.
“ I love you ,” she whispered repeatedly, until sleep had claimed her already tired form. Shattered from another loss they were still trying to come back from.
Chakotay had spoken with his father, a couple of weeks before, about the loss of the baby. Confided him about the pain and emptiness he felt in the wake. His struggle to remain strong for Kathryn.
Kolopak had been understanding, supportive, and shared a similar experience. In an odd way it had bonded them. Closing some more of the distance which had grown between them over the years. For the first time they hadn't been speaking as father and son, but as two fathers.
Now Chakotay felt untethered. He had belonged to someone, to his father, and now he didn't. He felt desperately alone, despite the woman cuddled beside him. A woman who loved him, and had become his family, his whole and his heart. But for the first time, in that moment, it didn't feel like enough to hold together the other part of his heart which was breaking.
A soft bleep from the communications console had Chakotay up and out of the bed to investigate.
From the Starfleet insignia he knew it was a call from headquarters, so he pulled on a shirt and activated the comm.
It was Sloan.
Chakotay had almost forgotten about Section 31. Almost .
“Commander,” the other man greeted him, with a grim expression. It was obvious he had heard about the incident.
Chakotay's expression hardened. “What do you want?”
“I called to express my condolences,” the other man said with something which looked close to genuine compassion.
“I thought we had an agreement,” Chakotay gritted out, his anger suddenly flaring, “You were to tell me if my family and friends were in danger.”
“It's unfortunate what happened to your father,” Sloan said firmly, “That was unexpected. But I believe it's only the start of a larger movement. Your entire homeworld is at risk.”
Chakotay glanced over his shoulder, to be absolutely sure they were talking privately. “What do you mean?”
“The Cardassians have discovered a rare mineral deep below the ground of the northern continent, where most of the settlements are. They want access to it, and if the colony doesn't relocate, it's likely the Cardassians will take action to clear the land themselves.”
Chakotay knew exactly what a Cardassian ground clearance could look like. He took an unsteady breath. “What are Starfleet planning to do?”
Sloan shot him a reluctant look. “The Federation's hands are tied. They can't afford conflict right now. But there's something you can do. Go home, and convince as many people as you can to leave?”
“And go where, exactly?”
“Ideally, deeper into Federation borders…”
Chakotay scoffed, he'd been trying to talk them into better relations with the Federation for years, but the council were too far set in their ways. But maybe there was a way, now with Dasani in charge, maybe he could appeal to her… convince a more open minded leader to change.
“A warning is as much as I can give you right now,” Sloan spoke again, “But if you're interested, there's a project I'm working on. Something which might make a difference to the border colonies, and the wider Federation.”
“What's the project?”
“I can't say just yet,” said Sloan cryptically, knowing he already had him hooked. “But if you want to be involved, call me on this channel when you're ready.”
Chakotay stared him down hard from the other side of the viewscreen, with a sense that he was being played, but completely powerless to stop it.
“Oh,” Sloan said, almost as an afterthought. “Don't take Janeway with you to Trebus.”
Chakotay paused. “Why not?”
“Daughter of an admiral. Senior Commander. Starfleet hot shot…” he offered up a few reasons. “It wouldn't look good if she were to get too involved, or if anything were to happen to her.”
Something about the way Sloan said it, sounded like a threat, but Chakotay couldn't quite put his finger on why. “Kathryn and I have already agreed to go together,” he said firmly.
Sloan gave him a strange look. “I'd think that through carefully, if I were you.”
Before Chakotay could question exactly what he meant, the channel suddenly cut out, and Sloan's face was again replaced by the Starfleet insignia.
Chakotay sat back and stared at the screen for a long time after the channel he had closed. Sloan hadn't explicitly forbid him from taking Kathryn back to Trebus, but the caution left an uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach.
Something bigger was going on which he didn't understand, something which made the hairs at the back of his neck stand on end, warning of imminent danger.
He'd already lost an unborn child and now his father; he couldn't afford to lose anyone else. The risk was too great, he decided. He would need to do this alone.