Chapter Text
This wasn’t how things were supposed to go. When he’d been thrown over that cliff and into the pit, Kylo hadn’t expected to survive, but his old instincts had kicked in at the last moment, like they had so long ago when Snoke had dropped him off a cliff for “training purposes”. The hit he’d taken at the edge, though, had nearly did him in. Climbing back up had been more than he’d thought himself capable of. Yet, again, he’d managed the impossible.
Upon finding Rey seemingly dead, he knew he had to fix it, no matter how little strength remained in his body. She was the Light the galaxy needed and perhaps in using his life to save hers, he could at least make one final act of atonement. But, as the galaxy had always seemed to have a particularly cruel sense of humour, that wasn’t what happened.
He’d collapsed, unconscious, but not dead. When he’d awoken later, much later, he was inside a medical bay on a Resistance ship, shackled to the bed. Before stirring and alerting however many guards were watching him, he’d instinctively reached out with the Force to get a better sense of his situation.
Kylo’s eyes flew open. The Force, the power that had defined his entire life under more than one name, wasn’t there. He’d never felt this way before in his life, so bereft and empty. Panic set in before he could assess any further, only increasing when none of the objects around him started rattling as they always had when his emotions overpowered him.
In the end, he’d needed to be sedated. His body was still battered and healing, and that much stress on it would’ve had dire consequences. Looking back, Kylo understood, but there was still a little part of him that wished he’d died there. Or before, when he’d been sure he was going to. It would’ve been easier.
But here he was, still alive, but not in a way he ever had been before. The Force had been with him since even before he was born, though it’d taken longer for his control over it to manifest. Kylo didn’t know what life without the Force was, never had, and there were still times he woke, either in the morning or in a cold sweat mid-sleep cycle, from a nightmare, desperately reaching out for something he would never grasp again.
“Ben?” Rey asked, as she poked her head around the corner, finding Kylo during breakfast.
Kylo grimaced; he tried not to, but the name still chafed at him. He’d been Ben once but… that wasn’t him. He couldn’t go back to that, to being the good boy who’d never done anything wrong and was a vessel for everyone else’s hopes and dreams with no room for his own. He wasn’t a Ren anymore either, though. He didn’t know who he was, but Kylo had been the only name he’d ever gotten to choose, so that was the one he was keeping.
Still, he hadn’t corrected Rey or any of the other Resistance members. He still didn’t feel comfortable around them, didn’t trust them any more than they trusted him. It was a safer bet not to ask them to call them by the name of the former Supreme Leader of the First Order.
“Yes?” he asked, voice flat.
“Are you ready to start? Finn’s coming along this time,” she said, seeming not to have noticed his reaction to his former name.
That was a surprise; Finn was probably the most distrusting towards him out of all of them, for very good reason. “Give me a few minutes. I’ll meet you there.”
Rey nodded and headed out while Kylo mechanically finished the bland gruel the Resistance called rations. The First Order’s hadn’t been much better, had actually somehow had even less flavour, but they’d at least been more filling. He sighed as he returned his bowl, leaving the empty cafeteria. He tried to get here when everyone else was already done; the staring got to be too much some days.
He made his way out to the forest and the particular tree they used for this. Though Kylo couldn’t feel the Force anymore, Rey had assigned him the task of assisting with interpreting the Jedi texts she’d obtained from Luke. She’d done well on her own, better than he ever would’ve had the patience to without a teacher to hold him accountable, but he’d spent years learning these under Luke’s direction.
Kylo chose to see it as part of his atonement. In the early days, he’d tried to do more for the galaxy at large, but as much as many here saw Ben Solo, the rest of the galaxy knew only Supreme Leader Ren. While he was truly neither of them now, that didn’t matter to anyone else. His face was not a friendly one in most parts of the galaxy, so he’d quickly been relegated to only providing aid to systems and planets that knew very little of the First Order. Other than that, he helped Rey and Finn learn the ways of the Force he’d lost.
The routine each day was similar and Kylo went through it listlessly. Rey had found some more texts about another lost way, one that emphasized balance in the Force rather than the Light or the Dark. It was a delicate balance, but she insisted it was the way and Kylo was too numb to argue. He did what was asked of him, hoping one day it might make him feel whole again.
When he arrived, Finn gave him the same look he always did: distrust, softened by something else, like Kylo was some sort of puzzle he wasn’t sure whether or not he wanted to figure out. Kylo knew the distrust, at least, was warranted. He was used to it by now. Finn had been victimized by the Stormtrooper program and the First Order even more than anyone else here, not to mention when Kylo had nearly severed his spine on Starkiller base, and Kylo supposed he was the only person from the First Order around for Finn to direct any lingering hate at. Kylo had no doubt he deserved to be hated.
The session began with meditation, something Kylo had never been particularly skilled at even when he’d had the Force, so he watched as both Rey and Finn closed their eyes, connecting with everything around them. A flare of jealousy he knew he had no right to rose within him; he’d never feel the Force again, meanwhile he had to watch others use it every day. Kylo took a deep, steadying breath. Penance. That’s what it was and he had to accept it.
These sessions were always awkward, but they’d been worse at first. Much as the tension still existed, especially between himself and Finn, some of it with Rey had been cleared up. Such as the kiss: Kylo had been relieved to find out that neither of them had meant to do it, both of them simply caught up in the moment and the relief of being alive. Rey, too, had seemed to relax when Kylo confirmed he wasn’t interested in anything like that with her. She had someone already and though Kylo didn’t, Rey wasn’t someone he’d seek that in. He’d never been attracted to women to begin with and he didn’t tell her he still sometimes dreamt of red hair and a smirking mouth.
Still, Rey trusted him more than Kylo deserved. Considering their history, he couldn’t help but feel grateful for, if perplexed by, it. There were precious few on the base who didn’t treat him like some sort of chained rancor, something tame for the moment, but who knew when it would break free? The thought almost made him snort. As if Kylo could break free of anything anymore.
“Are you centered?” Kylo asked, not wanting to be left alone with his thoughts any longer.
Rey exhaled slowly, controlled. “Yes. Finn?”
Finn’s breath was nearly as steady. “I think so.”
“Good,” Kylo said; Finn was the less experienced of the two, but he was learning quickly despite his later start, which impressed Kylo. “Let’s begin the next section.”
The lesson itself came from one of the Jedi texts, but they were trying to modify it to incorporate the concept of balance. While the Ren philosophy hadn’t been entirely focused on the Dark either, this was different. A more pure way of viewing the Force. Kylo wished he’d encountered it before, wondered if it might have changed anything in his life. The code itself was enough to make him uncomfortably wistful:
Flowing through all, there is balance.
There is no peace without a passion to create.
There is no passion without peace to guide.
Knowledge fades without the strength to act.
Power blinds without the serenity to see.
There is freedom in life.
There is purpose in death.
The Force is all things and I am the Force.
Peace and passion co-existing… it was an enticing concept, if it was indeed possible.
It was too late for that now, though, at least for him, so he focused on the section of the text, the three of them working through it. Rey picked things up exceptionally quickly; almost like he had, back at Luke’s temple. Finn had power in him too, though there was still some hesitation there, but Kylo wondered if that was because of him rather than the Force or the lesson itself. If he still had the Force, he could figure it out, sense what Finn was feeling, help find and break down that emotional block, but that was no longer an option. Still, Rey wanted him to help, so Kylo did, because there was nothing else for him to do.
They worked through the exercises and soon enough, hours had passed and Rey called for them to stop. Kylo leaned back and stretched, wondering if his body would ever get used to sitting in one spot for hours on end again. It’d been so easy before. Rey and Finn were chattering excitedly about something Finn had figured out, but Kylo didn’t pay much attention. They were using his knowledge; it didn’t take Force-sensitivity to know they didn’t actually want him for anything beyond that.
He followed them back to the base; they’d just missed lunch, which meant Kylo would hopefully be able to eat with minimal company again. They walked through the sea of X-wings, sitting outside because this base didn’t even have a hangar, and Kylo tried not to think about how he may never fly again. Without the Force, he was sure he wouldn’t be nearly as good at it anyway, but still. He’d always been good at flying, even if he’d never loved it like–
“Kriff!” A sudden shock of pain to the top of Kylo’s head forced the expletive out of him.
He rubbed his head where the pain was focused, glaring at the offending wing that had been just a bit lower than he’d thought. Kylo had always been tall, hit his growth spurt young, but the Force had helped him even there. He’d always used it to orient himself, to know where things were. Even during puberty, he’d been able to avoid tripping over his own, oversized feet while he grew into them. Now, without it, well, Kylo had a lot more bruises than he did before – though he preferred it when no one saw him bumping into things.
Rey and Finn turned, Rey looking mildly concerned and Finn looking confused, but a peal of laughter from the side caught Kylo’s attention. Of course, it just had to be Poe fucking Dameron. Most were polite (or just scared) enough not to laugh, but not Poe, of course not. Poe found Kylo’s recent lack of awareness of his surroundings just fucking hilarious.
“Is that why you used to wear that helmet?” Poe called, still laughing.
“Oh, shut up,” Kylo growled, with half the ferocity he once would have.
Poe stopped laughing, but waved a hand dismissively at him. “Relax, I’m just teasing. You really should watch where you’re going, though.”
Kylo was pretty sure it wasn’t just teasing, but he didn’t exactly have the right to get snippy. In truth, he knew that Poe laughing at him was a weak revenge for what Kylo had done to him back on the Finalizer. It still irked him though. Kylo would’ve much rather Poe just hit him a few times or something, but he supposed he wasn’t that lucky. He hated that his face was already red from the humiliation.
He ignored Poe, walking faster so he passed Rey and Finn. Whatever they thought about him, whatever they were going to say, he didn’t care. His mind flashed with a memory, his finger pointed at Hux, sealing his lips with the Force, though wishing he could shut him up in another, still gentle way. Kylo pushed it aside; he needed to stop thinking about ghosts.
Lunch was a quick affair, though Rey and Finn joined him again as he sat down with his bowl. No one mentioned the incident outside and Kylo stayed quiet while the two talked among themselves, nodding along when prompted once the subject changed to their training. In all honesty, Kylo didn’t know why they needed him. They were both progressing fine and Rey seemed to have no trouble with interpreting the texts. Perhaps it was just to keep him busy.
The rest of the day went by slowly. Kylo went for a run around the base, careful to avoid people as much as he could. He still got a few dirty looks, though they didn’t hurt as much as they’d used to. He still felt the guilt, knew he was responsible for terrible things he had no excuse for, but that’s why he was here, wasn’t it? That was why he was still alive: to make amends. To atone.
Or perhaps it wasn’t. Perhaps it was just that Rey was an infinitely better person than not just him, but the vast majority of the galaxy and had let him live out of some misplaced kindness. She could have left him there, on Exegol, unconscious in Palpatine’s sanctum. But no, she’d dragged him out, got him medical attention, and defended his change of heart. Kylo knew he didn’t deserve that.
He wondered, too, in the safety of the dark that night, how much of a role Snoke – or had it been Palpatine all along? – had played in his downfall. At the time, it’d felt like both a choice and an inevitability. After everything with Luke, where else could he have gone but to Snoke? It wasn’t the first time in his life he’d wondered if Snoke might have had a hand in the events of the temple, but it wasn’t something he’d thought deeply about until very recently. What if he’d been set up to fail from the beginning? What if there had been dark hands, always in the shadows, pulling strings he hadn’t known were there?
Or was that simply an excuse, just him trying to pass the blame for his own crimes onto others because he didn’t want to be the monster he was?
I have been every voice you have ever heard inside your head, Palpatine had told him, in his, Snoke’s, and even Vader’s voices.
The voices that had driven him, had promised him he was doing the right thing, that he’d had no choice, but also that his choices were correct… They’d never been real, had they? All part of Palpatine’s game. But then… Kylo had still made those choices. No one had put a lightsaber to his neck and forced him to kill. He’d done that all on his own. Finn was living proof that one didn’t have to kill when asked.
Kylo buried his hands in his hair, tugging hard and letting out a whimper. He hated these thoughts, hated them in a way that would’ve made the Dark sing within his body, fed so full from it. But without the Force, it just felt empty, like the hate was gnawing at him, eating him from within.
He didn’t want to think about this. He wanted to break something, hurt himself, do anything that would free him from such thoughts and feelings. But he couldn’t, not without arousing suspicion and not with ease without the Force. So Kylo did the only thing he could: he buried his face in his pillow and screamed until his throat burned.
The next few days passed the same. Kylo woke, ate, helped Rey and Finn learn the Force, went for runs, tried to ignore the way people looked at him, and fought with his own mind as soon as he was left alone with it. It was better when he was out in the galaxy, working with the Restored Republic’s outreach and aid program. It had kept him busy, made him feel like he was actually doing something good to make up for the rest, but it just wasn’t an option anywhere that had felt the Order’s influence. Him being recognized blew the whole operation every time.
He was just about to go for his afternoon run when Poe came up to him. Kylo immediately stiffened, trying not to look as defensive as he felt. Poe didn’t seem angry or anything, just his usual level of uncomfortable around Kylo, but Kylo could never be sure without the Force.
“Hey, we’ve got a mission,” Poe said, getting straight to the point.
Kylo perked up. “Where?”
“Tanix. It’s a backwater planet in the Outer Rim, somewhere that never caught the attention of the Order or the Republic,” Poe said, pulling out a datapad. “No significant natural resources to speak of, mostly simple villages and some farming. The residents are capable of space flight, though they’re not a significant presence. Apparently, they don’t care much for it. There’s a port, largely used by passing travellers.”
Kylo glanced at the datapad and nodded; he wasn’t familiar with the planet, which was a rarity. “I’ve never heard of it.”
“And that’s why you’re coming,” Poe said, putting away the datapad. “There was a pirate attack on one of the villages; we’re going to reach out and offer our help fixing things up, show them the kindness of the Republic, you know the drill.”
A little thrill went through Kylo and he hoped Poe couldn’t tell how eager he truly was. “When do we leave?”
“Tomorrow morning, so get packed up, a good rest, all that. The pirates seem to have backed off for now, they made their point, but the damage is pretty bad, so we might be there a while,” Poe said, starting to walk away but then pausing and turning back. “Oh and Ben? Seriously, watch where you’re going. I saw you walk into that doorframe this morning.”
Kylo scowled as Poe chuckled and walked away. The coming mission made it easier to forget the shot, though. It’d been so long since Kylo had been away from the Resistance base, somewhere where no one knew him, just thought he was there to help. It helped, both with keeping his mind busy and fighting the guilt. The more good he did, the more he made up for the bad. Even if it never evened out, he would try. He had to try.
After his run, which might have been a bit more exuberant than usual, Kylo grabbed dinner and brought it to his quarters while he packed. He didn’t have much, just clothes and toiletries, but he was too excited at the prospect of leaving to care. They didn’t even let him have a blaster, but what did that matter?
He slept better that night than usual, not waking even once, and rose early enough to get breakfast before most others were up. Once done, he went back and grabbed his bag, making his way out to where the ships were kept. He spotted the Falcon and frowned. Seeing the ship still made something ache between his ribs.
It was being loaded with supplies, though, which meant that would be the ship he was taking to Tanix. Among the figures loading crates, Kylo spotted one standing above them all, shaggy fur immediately marking who it was. The ache intensified and Kylo turned away, finding a tree to sit beneath while he waited. They probably wanted him to help, but the thought of facing his surrogate uncle that he’d miraculously managed to avoid so far, particularly right before boarding the ship he’d shared with the father Kylo had killed, was too much to face at the moment. He could only hope Chewie wasn’t coming with them.
Kylo leaned back against the tree and closed his eyes, exhaling consciously slow. He’d been here for months and still, he couldn’t face his past. There was so much of it, his parents etched into every inch of the base, and Kylo’s own history marring it with deep scars in each and every person here, whether physical or psychological. Much as he wanted to make amends, wanted to change, could he ever truly do it? Was there any point to him trying? Sure, he’d helped some, and he intended to help more people, but was that worth it? Would it heal the galaxy more if he offered them his neck for a public execution instead?
That would be too easy, some part of his mind said, though Kylo couldn’t tell if it was his own thought or a fuzzy memory he couldn’t place. Death would be an escape. You know you don’t deserve that.
Kylo clenched his eyes shut tighter, trying in vain to will away the emotions building within him. Anger, sadness, pain, some combination of the three. He remembered so vividly how he’d been instructed to use those feelings, to hurt and hurt and hurt, both himself and others, to fuel his power, to feed the Dark within him until he couldn’t remember what it was like not to hurt. It was the only way to become what he was meant to, he’d been told.
But wasn’t the voice in him now correct? Was it not true that he didn’t deserve to be free of pain? Death would be easy; even if they wouldn’t give him a blaster to make it quick, Kylo Ren had been well-versed in death. Even Ben Solo had known plenty. This Kylo could surely figure it out, if he needed to. But he couldn’t; it would be too easy.
He wanted to scream again, but there was nothing he could muffle his voice in, so Kylo tried to breathe deeply instead, to mirror what Rey and Finn did when they meditated. He needed to get himself under control. There were people waiting for them, for him, people who needed help. Good to be done to continue cleaning his ledger, even if it was stained far beyond repair. It was the only thing he could offer anymore. He had to try.
Breathing calmer now, Kylo opened his eyes to find Rey, Finn, and Poe approaching him. Shit. He sincerely hoped they hadn’t witnessed his meltdown. Much as it wouldn’t surprise any single one of them, he had to keep them convinced he had himself under control. He was already neutered; the last thing he needed was to be locked away for his own safety. Kylo was sure that would drive him mad.
“Ben, are you okay?” Rey asked and Kylo cursed inwardly again.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” Kylo said quickly, forcing himself to relax. “I was just… thinking a little too deeply.”
Finn frowned, but it was Poe who spoke next, “You sure? We’re leaving soon and we don’t need to take you if you’re not ready.”
“No, no, I swear, I’m fine,” Kylo insisted.
Poe looked skeptical, but Rey regarded him for a moment. It was harder to tell now, without his own use of the Force, if she was probing him or not, but Kylo allowed it. He wanted to go. He needed to be away from here. He needed to do something useful, not just be an interpreter for books Rey had no trouble understanding herself.
“I believe him,” she finally said. “He wants to help.”
Kylo relaxed a little at that. Finn continued to frown but he nodded; Kylo wondered if he’d read him too, seen what Kylo had been thinking. Poe shrugged, apparently satisfied.
“All right, let’s go, Ben,” Poe said and Kylo followed gratefully. “Just watch your head when you get on the Falcon, okay? I don’t want to deal with a concussion on the way.”
Kylo groaned, the urge to swat at Poe rising but tempered by the fact he was actually getting to leave. A few ships took off as they approached and Kylo watched them go, a little nostalgic, in a strange way. Every phase of his life had included ships and travelling through space.
“Are they coming too?” The number seemed a little large for such an undeveloped planet.
Poe shook his head. “No, they’re going to other planets. Now that the war is over, the Resistance is pretty much entirely dedicated to outreach. It’s just that we can’t bring you most places.”
Kylo grimaced, but nodded. “I know.”
“This one might be long, though,” Poe said as they climbed into the Falcon (and Kylo did watch his head). “Apparently the damage was pretty bad, given the attack. If they’re okay with it, we might have to help rebuild the entire settlement.”
“That’s fine,” Kylo said, and he meant it. “What happened again?”
“They were attacked by pirates. Shot up the town, burned the crops, did a lot of damage,” Poe said as he directed some of the last few crates of supplies inside the Falcon. “There has been reported pirate activity recently from that area, but we don’t know the full scope of the situation yet.”
Kylo pressed his lips together. It wasn’t the first time he’d heard of pirates attacking settlements or using other sorts of intimidation tactics to get what they wanted. The Order had exploited such weaknesses as well; they’d swoop in, slaughter the pirates, and then offer the citizens work and food in exchange for their children, resources, and servitude. That had been one of Hux’s modus operandi.
The Restored Republic was using similar tactics: show up, fix problems, then extend an offer to join the Republic. Less exploitative results, of course, but it amounted to the same method. Kylo knew firsthand that it worked. The Republic was ensuring it would rise again, though whether it would be as broken as the previous two incarnations remained to be seen.
Loading didn’t take long and soon the Falcon was taking off with Poe at the helm. He had a new co-pilot, too, someone he was training. Kylo didn’t know their name, had never bothered to ask. He was just glad it wasn’t Chewie; he still wasn’t ready for that conversation. However, that Poe was trusted to take the Falcon without either Chewie or Rey on board was impressive.
It would take a day or so to arrive, so Kylo wandered the ship aimlessly for a while, trying to shut out memories that rose unbidden. A large portion of his childhood had been spent on this ship, as soon as he was old enough for Han to bring along without Leia not allowing it. His chest ached again at the thought. Kylo shook his head, as if to shake the memories loose.
There wasn’t much to do en route, especially when Kylo took care to avoid the other crew members in the common area, knowing they were just as uncomfortable with him as he was with them. The party was relatively small, overall, and Kylo wondered why they hadn’t brought more. Was the Resistance stretched that thin with their aid missions? Or did Poe really think this would be enough?
Or, worse yet, was it because of him? Were these the only people willing to go if he was going to be there, the rest too full of hate or fear? Maybe he’d already ruined the mission, even if they hadn’t even arrived yet, just by existing. The citizens of Tanix may not have known the First Order, but everyone on this ship did. Everyone knew of Kylo.
The bunks on the Falcon were smaller than he remembered, for he had been much smaller the last time he’d used one, but there was one set apart from the others that afforded at least some privacy, so that’s where Kylo went. He told himself he wasn’t hiding, but it felt like a lie even in his mind. He wasn’t particularly tired, as it was barely evening by the base’s schedule, but sleep was the best way he had to pass the time since the holotable was already occupied by others.
Of course, sleep wouldn’t come but Kylo had always been stubborn, so he stayed where he was, trying not to remember. One memory in particular dogged at him, refusing to be ignored. It was the last time he’d been on the Falcon under the name Ben Solo, when his parents had taken him to Luke after realizing his power in the Force.
Like the current journey, the trip had been long, even in hyperspace. Two days and a night of flying, though that part wasn’t what had bothered Ben. He hadn’t wanted to go to Uncle Luke’s; he’d wanted to stay, with his parents and everyone else, learn to be a pilot just like his dad. His parents had told him this was what was best for him, though, and that was that.
Ben had known that his power scared them sometimes. He could feel it from their thoughts, the clench of fear when he got upset and something shattered without him realizing what he was doing. As an adult, Kylo could see why, even if it still stung from how it’d felt at the time. As a child, though, the knowledge that his parents were afraid of him… it hurt. Sometimes he’d wondered if they didn’t love him anymore, if that’s why he was being sent away…
His parents had always reassured him, though, always told him they loved him, that was why they did what was best for him, even if he sometimes didn’t like it. Right now, though, with knowing where they were going, it wasn’t enough and Ben had run off to hide. The Falcon was full of hiding places and Ben had found plenty of them over the years.
What’s wrong, Ben?
The voice in his mind hadn’t startled him; it was familiar and Ben found it calming. He’d once thought Snoke was simply an imaginary friend of his, like some of the other kids had. It was only shortly before this trip that he’d realized Snoke was indeed very real.
I can’t believe they’re sending me away, Ben had thought back, biting his lip to keep from crying. I don’t want to go. I want to stay with them and my friends.
I know, child, Snoke had replied, his mind-voice pitched soft. Try to think of this as simply one step. Just because you train as a Jedi doesn’t mean you have to remain one forever. One day, you’ll be able to choose your future yourself.
Ben had shifted a little in his hiding spot. I hope you’re right. But even if it’s not forever, I don’t want to go.
You’re still young, your parents are doing what they think is best for you. That’s what they’re supposed to do. That made sense, even if Ben hadn’t liked it. And don’t worry, Ben, you’ll be able to make your own choices one day. There are always other paths than the Jedi. Once you’re old enough, your life will be your own.
But I want to now, Ben had thought back. I wish I could be Kylo, not Ben.
Kylo was the alter ego Ben had created for the adventures he made up. Sometimes he was a dashing hero, like what most of the other kids played as, but more often Kylo was someone off the radar. A smuggler or bounty hunter, someone who didn’t have the weight of the galaxy on his shoulders but was still really cool. Ben didn’t need to imagine saving the galaxy; his family had done it firsthand. Yet people still seemed to expect Ben would do the same.
In the present, a hollow laugh stuck in Kylo’s throat. What he’d had in mind then, as a child, was certainly not what he’d ended up becoming. But of course, Snoke had encouraged it.
Yes, Snoke had said, all those years ago. You could even be Kylo, if you want to. In time, my friend, you will write your own destiny.
Shortly after, his father had found him and asked if he was doing okay in his softest, kindest tone, ready to provide comfort without knowing it’d already been given by another. Ben had said he was feeling better now, had thought about some things, and was ready to come out. His father, of course, hadn’t questioned it, just looked surprised but pleased, and then they’d gone and played a game on the holotable.
Kylo’s throat felt dry and his eyes stung at the memory. He didn’t want to think about this right now, hated how much he was reminded of his parents in every inch of both this ship and the base they’d just left. He’d thought they’d hated him after what he’d done – and they should have hated him, should have considered him long past the point of no return – yet Han’s last act had been to forgive him and Leia had given her life to reach out to him one last time. Kylo hadn’t deserved either of those gestures.
Burrowing deeper into the cot, Kylo screwed his eyes shut against it all, willing it away. Soon, he’d be on another planet, one that didn’t know him or his parents and thus would be free of their influence. He’d be helping people, making up for all his sins. He just had to hang on a little longer and hope no one saw him like this.