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It was a lazy morning, one of many, Zeb noted as he slowly awoke in his and Alex's shared bed. Ever since they traveled to Wild Space Alex and him have had a near endless supply of them.
Not that Zeb was complaining. After all, he asked for this, a break from everything– the core worlds, the mid and outer rims, the Empire. He needed to get away from the fighting and learn how to hone the balance between the light and dark side of the Force without being lured by the dark side.
It was an arduous task. The dark side practically pulled him apart as it fought the light for a smidge of influence over his mind and body. Those days were long and exhausting, leaving him to wonder if it would just be easier to give in to the dark side.
But with Alex's loving support he kept on fighting. His partner fully understood that he needed a peaceful and quiet location to find this new version of him.
There was no rush on either of their parts.
He yawned as the hum of the ship started to lull him back to sleep. He stretched and extended his arm over to Alex's side of the bed to bring him into a hug. But instead of his arm wrapping around Alex's warm body he was only met with his pillow and emptiness. He let out a confused trill as he rubbed his eyes open. Weird. Alex usually remained in bed so they could cuddle together until late morning.
Where could he have wandered off to so early?
That thought was quickly dispelled by a wonderful scent that wafted into the room. A wonderful and familiar scent.
A pressure suddenly pressed against his mind and he hissed at the discomfort. So much for a lazy morning, he bitterly thought.
He took a moment to mourn his now lost relaxing morning before getting up to investigate. Following his nose, it didn't take long to find Alex in their kitchen softly humming a nameless tune. Zeb stayed by the doorway, though he couldn't exactly see what Alex was cooking there was no need to. He smiled as he watched his partner
A sharp beep sounded through the kitchen as the caf machine went off. It pulled Zeb's attention away from Alex to the counter where he spotted a box of space waffle mix.
Zeb frowned.
When did–
His thought was interrupted by another wave of pressure as faded memories prickled at the back of his mind. His breath hitched and and he pressed his head against the cool metal of the doorway to try and relieve the pain.
No , he shouldn't fight them.
He closed his eyes and tried to relax and let the memories slowly pour in.
"Slow down, Garazeb," his master tried to reprimand. It fell short as she couldn't help but softly laugh, "They're not going to be taken from you."
Zeb practically vibrated in place as his purrs could barely be contained in his chest. His fur was sticky with syrup that he knew would be a chore to clean, but at that moment he couldn't bring himself to care. "But Master Billaba, these are so good!"
He stuffed another piece of space waffle into his mouth, his ears flapped happily with every chew, and it didn't take long for him to have another piece on his fork.
Her laughter rang in his ears.
…
"C'mon, Sticks! We'll have a nice breakfast, my treat," he said as he swung his arm around his Commander's shoulder.
"General Orrelios, is this really the best time for–"
"I know a great place that has some of the best space waffles on this side of Coruscant. You'll love it, trust me!"
The clone rolled his eyes, but couldn't help but grin at Zeb's invitation, "If you say so, General."
…
"Hey kid," he said softly as he kneeled down to meet the little girl properly.
It was the aftermath of a battle, the droids had destroyed a village before his squadron got there. Shame and guilt turned themselves into ice in his veins, but he couldn't focus on those feelings now, not when there were people who needed him.
"You must be hungry."
She stared up at him with her tear-streaked cheeks and her watery brown eyes and took a nervous step back, but he still managed to catch her slight nod.
Not wanting to frighten her more than she already was– he cut an intimidating figure, quite the advantage during battle but not so much when he was trying to help the victims of war afterward– Zeb carefully produced a box of space waffles from his supply bag.
He brought out his lightsaber and turned on one of the ends.
She watched him curiously as he cooked two space waffles. He gave her a smile, showing very little of his teeth because he knew that they sometimes scared children. "'S a bit unconventional, but it works in a pinch."
She giggled quietly.
"Look see?" He took a bite of a space waffle and handed her the other one. She smiled and took a bite from the treat.
Zeb shook his head as the memories– and the lingering feelings of comfort– faded away.
Now… Now he barely remembered the taste. Just like his memories, they were lost in the deepest trenches of his mind as thoughts of survival were all he was used to for years. Space waffles were just another food that was buried under the stale taste of rations he ate on the run after Order 66 and as an Inquisitor.
If he was given food.
Hunger would make them irritated– an easy way to access the dark side– and the higher ups made good use of it.
And as a prisoner? Food was a luxury. Especially if it was fresh.
He grimaced and squeezed his eyes shut as his scars flared. One hand covered the scar on his neck while the other gripped the doorway– his claws dug into the metal of the ship. He took a deep unsteady breath, begging for the flashes of pain to fade away quickly.
"Oh, Zeb!" Alex's voice cut through his unpleasant memories. His head snapped up from the doorway and his eyes met with Alex's warm golden eyes.
"I didn't realize that you had woken up."
"Yeah, I could tell," he shakily teased as he let go of the doorway. He quickly brushed the fur on his arm down from its bristled state and did his best to shake off the prickling sensation of his scars demanding his attention. He walked over to Alex and placed his head onto his shoulder, nuzzling into the warmth there as he felt himself relax.
"Smells amazing."
"I wanted it to be a surprise," Alex pouted, clearly annoyed that his idea didn't go according to plan.
"Well, it still is. Wasn't expecting you to go out and buy some when I told you about space waffles," Zeb said.
It was supposed to be an off-hand comment. He had seen a commercial for space waffles on the holonet and it had made a blurry memory of his master making them for him as a kit resurface. When he had snapped out of it, Alex was hovering over him with worry painted on his features.
And not wanting him to worry over what he thought at the time was nothing, he told Alex what he remembered. His master's soft and kind smile, her brown eyes, and– as he pointed to the holo that now displayed another commercial– space waffles.
And Alex had given him his undivided attention, as if enraptured by his limited recollection. Confused, he had asked him why, only to have Alex state that Zeb looked so delighted talking about the memory. He couldn't help but pay attention to it since it mattered so much to him. Zeb had only blushed, deeply touched that Alex would take it as seriously as he did.
He hadn't thought much of it at the time, though in hindsight he probably should have, as from then on Alex had paid closer attention to that space waffle commercial.
And now, here he was making space waffles for him.
He's thoughtful like that , the pleasant thought crossed Zeb's mind.
Like when Zeb had first realized he couldn't look at himself in the mirror. His now yellowish eyes– unfamiliar and cold– were so different from his natural green eyes from not too long ago, seeing them properly had shook him to the core.
It had made him face the reality of how much he'd changed. That the kind and heroic Lasat from all those years ago died, and now a poor replica stood in his place.
All he saw was a stranger staring back at him.
A horrid and nauseous sensation tangled itself into knots in his stomach as he found himself unable to look away at his reflection. The feeling became fear and that frigid fear bled itself into the room– the lights began to flicker and Zeb could start to see his breath condensing in the air as he panted– until it became an explosive rage.
He whipped out his lightsaber and drew back, ready to slash at his reflection in the mirror. He had yelled at some point– most of it was a blur now– and that was when Alex had rushed over to stop him just in time before any damage could be done to the refresher. He had grabbed Zeb's wrist and held it in place as he calmly talked him down.
It wasn't long then for Zeb to collapse onto his knees, his lightsaber redrawn and forgotten, and for Alex to hold him as he wailed.
The next day, he had found Alex drawing up some ideas on his datapad about what to do about the mirror. It felt like it was too much for Alex to go out of his way to figure out a solution for something that didn't affect him personally. And Zeb told him as much.
Alex had given him a sorrowful stare and only said, "It's not too much, it's you."
Zeb nearly started crying.
In the end, Alex had thought up of installing a curtain over the mirror, if it needed to be used all that would need to be done was to draw back the curtains and vice versa.
All of that work, just to make Zeb comfortable.
Zeb blinked as he was brought back to the present by the sound of the stove being turned off.
"Of course I would. You said you loved them growing up," Alex said, grabbing Zeb's hand. "I thought that maybe it would make you happy."
It did. It made him indescribably happy that Alex remembered their conversation. And yet doubt wormed itself into his brain. He glanced away from Alex, but held on tightly to his hands. "It's been years… I don't know if I'll still feel the same about them."
"Well, you'll never know if you don't try, Zeb," Alex gently said. He let go of Zeb's hands and reached for the plates stacked with space waffles.
"Here, let me help," Zeb said as he quickly grabbed the plates instead. "You've already set this all up, and I kinda feel bad that I ruined yer surprise."
Alex smiled and gave Zeb a smooch on the cheek. Zeb went still for a second as his heart skipped a beat and heat rose to his face.
"Thank you, Zeb," Alex said, continuing on his task of setting up breakfast as if he hadn't just made Zeb fall deeper in love with him. As Alex served their caf Zeb noticed that he quickly glanced up to his ears, and though Zeb was sure he was imagining the happy twitch his ears gave, Alex's already present smile seemed to grow ever so slightly.
They settled into their seats across from each other– where Zeb sometimes ended up spending the most time lovingly staring at Alex rather than eating. But now, instead of taking in the breathtaking sight that was his partner, he stared at the plate of space waffles in front of him.
"They aren't going to come to life and kill you, Zeb," Alex said as he poured a controlled amount of syrup on his waffles.
Zeb lifted one of the edges of the waffles with his fork. "They might."
He looked up with a fang peeking out from the half-smile forming on his face, only to be greeted by Alex giving him an unimpressed stare. He faltered under it with a sheepish grin and a nervous giggle.
Alex rolled his eyes good-naturedly and passed the bottle of syrup over to him, as Zeb grabbed it they let their hands linger and Zeb felt his body relax as took in Alex's warmth. He looked up to meet Alex's eyes and smiled softly before pouring a slightly more generous amount of syrup than Alex's.
The motion of which made another memory scratch at his mind.
"Now, now," a soft voice kindly scolded him as they took the bottle of syrup from Zeb's small hands. "That's quite enough sugar for you, young man."
He took a tentative bite and his mouth was filled with a delicious and familiar sweetness.
"Zeb, starlight, are you alright?" Alex gently said as he reached over to lay his hand on top of Zeb's.
Zeb blinked and realized that his vision was blurred by tears. He let go of the fork and wiped his eyes with his palm as he nodded.
"Yeah, yeah. I'm all good," his lips still shook as he said those words and he gasped a bit for air. "Sorry, 'bout that. It's just… some old memories."
"Oh, Zeb," Alex said, "I apologize if I caused you any pain– I shouldn't have–"
Zeb gripped Alex's hand and caressed it with his thumb, "Good memories, love," Zeb smiled as he looked down at their entwined fingers. "Turns out I really do feel the same about space waffles."
"Well, actually," he leaned over to Alex as much as he possibly could, "I might love them even more now."
Alex let out a laugh, "Oh, you sap."
They both chuckled.
"If you want to share…," Alex took a breath, "and if you're comfortable, of course, I would love to hear about them."
Zeb sat stunned for a second before he broke out in a large grin, "Sure, but remember they're still not very clear. Don't got every single detail just yet."
"That doesn't make a difference for me, Zeb. I want to learn about you. I've only known you for a short while, and it's my fault I must admit–"
"Alex, no–" Zeb started.
"I know you don't believe that, but…," Alex interrupted. looked away and shook his head. "It's not fair what happened to you. You saved my life and healed me when there was no reason for you to– when I mistrusted and despised you."
"You went and sacrificed yourself to give the rebels on Ryloth time to escape– and you had your entire life ruined!"
Zeb felt the guilt radiating from Alex, it was a dark and tangled web that he didn't know how to begin to unravel. He frowned. He knew that Alex wished he had stayed with him, and he had already explained that it would have made his captivity and torture worse. And yet, Alex's self-hatred was still there.
He felt his scars ache again, and he shuddered as he felt the phantom sensation of something crawling up his spine. He resisted the urge to scratch at himself, instead looking down to glare at their abandoned space waffles, fruitlessly blaming them for this turn of events.
"I don't blame you," was all he said.
He heard Alex take a deep breath, and he looked up to see a glimpse of tears welling up in Alex's eyes before he wiped them away with his palm.
"I know. But I want to help you through this," Alex said, his tone even and stiff as if he was barely holding himself together. And Zeb knew he had to let the issue go, not everything could be wrapped in a bow– especially not in a single morning.
"You are. You're helping me so much by just being here with me."
Alex swallowed and nodded.
"Now… would you like to hear about how my master tried her best to restrict my sugar intake when I was a kit?"
The tension melted away from Alex's shoulders, and an exhausted and small smile graced his features, "My starlight, you have my undivided attention."
Zeb returned the smile and hummed, "Right. So where do I start?"