I Feel Like a Person for a Moment of my Life

by HollowWind80

Summary:

When Komaeda wakes Souda up in the middle of the night with news about Hinata, he only expects the worst. But after finding Hinata alone in his cabin, Souda is shocked to meet an entirely different person as well:

Izuru Kamukura.

Notes:

Hey, I'm back :)

Took a while because I was editing my novel hehe.

I hope you guys like this one, I wanted to explore the idea of Hinata having DID when him and Kamukura fuse. Your choice whether this version of Kamukura is exclusively an alter or like, actually Kamukura after they fused (which would make this more of a DID allegory?) Either way, I tried to treat this with as much respect as possible since I don't have DID.

If you have it and have any tips for part two let me know!

Enjoy :)

Chapter 1: Part One

Souda was no stranger to the occasional nightmare.

 

When you grow up in such an unstable environment it’s bound to happen. You never really feel safe, not even in sleep, and that manifests into nightmares of being kidnapped by aliens and the world endi--

 

…The latter was more of a premonition, really.  

 

But that was all in the past. Souda was safe on Jabberwock, a place Kuzuryu often called their ‘tropical prison.’ But Souda didn't mind that fact. If they couldn’t leave, and by extension, no one could enter, it gave him a consistent place to heal among people he knew were safe. It gave him a home. 

 

All of that to say, when Souda was woken one night by a thud thud thud on his window, he wasn’t sure if the nightmares had started up again or his illusion of a peaceful home had been shattered. 

 

For a few moments, Souda stayed stock-still under his blanket. With his heart hammering, he tried to piece things together in his hazy mind. 

 

‘This can’t be a nightmare, if it was I wouldn’t be smelling my own sweat. You can’t smell in dreams, right? You also can’t feel your own heartbeat. But who’d be throwing rocks at my window? Is my door broken, no that’s stupid, maybe it’s an emergency. Just grow a pair and look outside, Kaz, come on. Be a man.’ 

 

Souda took a deep breath. He reached blindly for his glasses, shimmied off the blanket, and turned. As his eyes adjusted to the darkness outside he was met with a shadowy figure. A halo of long, fluffy hair surrounded them. 

 

“Komaeda?!” 

 

Despite how thin the glass was, Souda was pretty sure the other man couldn’t hear him through the window. He hopped from the bed to hike it upwards. “Komaeda what the hell are you doing?! It’s-- …I don’t know the time, but it’s too early!”

 

“Three AM,” Komaeda replied perkily. “…Ah…my apologies Souda, I know you often sleep your entire day away but this is important. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be here.”

 

“Why didn’t you use the door?!” 

 

“Oh, I tried that. You refused to open it so I had to try the window. If that hadn't worked, ha ,well I would have had to resort to other means...”

 

Souda prickled with annoyance, not interested in knowing Komaeda’s ‘other means.’ In fact, he wasn’t interested in anything Komaeda-related. The guy freaked him out frankly, and even if he had helped build his prosthetic (on Hinata’s encouragement.) he didn’t consider the two of them friends. Acquaintances, sure, but not friends. 

 

“There was a reason you came here right?” Souda asked. 

 

“Of course. I never would have bothered you with my presence otherwise!” Komaeda rubbed the back of his neck. “You see, this is about Hinata-kun. The two of us are neighbors, we share a cabin wall.”

 

The cold night air was making Souda shiver. He knew this wouldn’t be quick, so he reached for the jacket on the back of his desk chair. “Uh-huh.” 

 

“Well, I’d just returned from taking Clover for her walk. If I walk her during the day she gets too hot, she has a lot of fur after all and I don’t want to ove—“

 

Komaeda often went on tangents about his service dog but now wasn’t the time. “Hinata. Remember ?” Souda asked. 

 

“Ah yes! Count on filth like me to waste your time.” Komaeda smiled. “As I got inside I could hear noise in Hinata’s cabin. I thought it was odd considering the time of night, so I decided to check on him. He does keep his door unlocked in case of emergencies and considering the situation I let myself in.“

 

“What situation?! Is Hinata alright?” Souda asked. 

 

“He did seem to be in distress. Of course I offered my assistance, and Clover’s, but he wasn’t interested. I asked if he’d had a panic attack and he told me no. Even though I’d heard him through the wall I accepted his answer and left.”

 

Panic rose in Souda’s chest, “How long ago was that?!” 

 

“A few minutes. Of course, I’d understand if he didn’t want me there but I know he’s pretty fond of you. So I thought you would like to kno—“

 

“Thanks, Komaeda!” Souda slammed the window shut. The room fell silent as Komaeda’s mouth kept moving behind the glass. He blinked in realization before laughing, but Souda didn’t stick around to see the rest, he’d already left through the front door of his cabin.

 

Horrible scenarios were running through his mind; Hinata hyperventilating on the edge of his bed, banging his fists into the wall, unconscious on the floor all alone. 

 

Alone. That was the thought that kept repeating in Souda’s mind. 

 

Now that the two of them were so close there was no reason for Hinata to ever be suffering alone. But if Komaeda hadn’t gotten him, he never would have known about it. Hinata had been so open with him the past few months. He’d made such improvements, and relapses were bound to happen, but why hadn’t he called Souda? Showed up at his cabin? What was so bad that they couldn’t talk about it? 

 

‘You’ve hidden things from him ,’ Souda rushed across the grass and the dew soaked his bare feet. ‘Don’t take it personally. Just try to help him, let him know you’re there.’

 

He took a breath. 

 

‘Yeah…let him know he’s not alone.’ 

 

As Souda ran up the cabin steps he noticed the door was slightly cracked. In his haste, he slammed it into the adjacent wall. After taking a moment to survey the cabin he didn’t notice anything off, no obvious red flags; objects scattered or holes in the wall. Then he saw light pouring out from the bathroom’s entrance. 

 

He approached hesitantly. “…Hinata?” His voice came out strained, “It’s me.” 

 

Hinata stared wide-eyed into the mirror. Under the fluorescent lights, his tanned skin looked sickly; much too cool-toned. Sweat dripped down his face. 

 

Souda was unsure what to do. Touching him might be too much of a shock and he had no idea how to begin a conversation. After another few moments, he took a step behind Hinata to stare into the mirror. Souda’s face was visible over his shoulder, his pink hair knotted from sleep.  

 

“I’m here,” he croaked. “It’s okay.” 

 

Hinata’s eyes shifted to look at him. 

 

“I’ll help you… if you want that, anything you want. I’m here for you.” 

 

The buzz of the fluorescents filled the room. Seconds ticked by, then a minute, and Hinata remained unflinching. His knuckles had gone white where they gripped the sink. “Nightmare.” He finally croaked out, “I don’t—it was them. I…c-can’t…”

 

Souda understood immediately. It wasn’t the first time Hinata had been tormented by the memory of those Hopes Peak bastards, haunted by all of the inhumane experiments they’d done to him. It was hard to comprehend, even for Souda, so he couldn’t imagine the agony Hinata felt…the constant lingering memory of that trauma. 

 

Souda placed a gentle hand on Hinata’s bicep. When he got no reaction from him, he began to move his hand in soothing circles. 

 

“You’re safe here, we wouldn’t let anyone get ya’...” he debated trying to lighten the mood. That was always his go-to in these situations. “Owari would probably kick their heads off, unless Kuzuryu got to ‘em first; can’t even imagine what that little guy would do.  We…all gotta look out for each other, right? That’s what you always tell us, Hinata.” 

 

Hinata’s eyes widened at the sound of his name. ‘Dissociation.’ Souda guessed. It was something he had struggled with ever since the aftermath of the killing game. 

 

"You’re Hinata. Hajime Hinata.” He continued, fingers sinking into the muscle of the other man’s arm. “You’ve done more than enough to prove that. You don’t need to worry about convincing any of us of—…”

 

Souda trailed off. 

 

Something in Hinata had changed. As if a switch had been flipped, the tension flooded from his back. The strain of his muscle loosened under Souda’s fingers as he pulled back from the sink and turned around. Any semblance of emotion was wiped from Hinata’s face; eyebrows melting into a straight line, jaw settling. 

 

His eyes met Souda’s and lingered there for a long while.

 

“Kazuichi Souda.” The voice wasn’t Hinata’s. It was monotone, lacking the gentle edge it always carried. “We’ve never formally met…” 

 

Souda made a small squeak in the back of his throat. 

 

‘What the hell?! ’ He thought. ‘Hinata wouldn’t be joking at a time like this. Was someone controlling him? That was impossible. But there was no other explanation, he’d never acted like this before!’

 

He racked his brains for an answer. It was possible that Hinata could be having a flashback, he’d been having dreams about the Kamukura project after all—

 

The realization hit Souda suddenly.

 

He turned back to his friend. Hinata was still staring as if waiting for a reply. The silence stretched on for another few moments until Souda managed to speak. Halfway through the word, he laughed nervously. 

 

“…Ka-…Kamukura?” 

 

Hinata nodded and Souda didn’t know what to do. 

 

‘Kamukura is inside of Hinata?! They were supposed to merge. It couldn’t actually be him, could it? If it is him could he be dangerous? Life has been so good, the last thing we needed was a new threat. It’s supposed to be over!’ 

 

Souda gripped the half wall separating the shower from the toilet. Suddenly he felt faint. Kamukura looked characteristically unfazed, however, just scanning the bathroom. His green eye passed over Souda. Souda stared back. 

 

Thin, white scars still criss-crossed Kamukura’s arms. Freckles dotted his bronzed skin. Laugh lines shown faintly on the corners of his mouth. 

 

‘It’s still Hinata,’ The thought interrupted his spiral. ‘ It’s still his body, it’s still him.’

 

“Kamukura .” Souda said again, voice shaking. “Where’s…Hinata?” 

 

“I cannot hear him, he must have fully retreated. It’s not a common occurrence but it is known to happen.” 

 

“What do you mean by common? Is this something that happens a lot?!” 

 

“My presence?” Kamukura had leaned against the sink, his legs shaking so hard his knees audibly knocked. “Hinata would prefer if I didn’t have a presence at all, but yes, I am usually around. As I said we have met before, Kazuichi Souda.” 

 

Souda nodded without fully understanding. It was a lot to take in, but more importantly, he’d started to grow concerned about the other man. Whatever mental distress had caused this, well, it was starting to take its toll. Kamukura looked scarily close to face planting into the linoleum. 

 

"You don't look so good, Ma— uh, Kamukura. You should sit down.” 

 

“There isn’t a need for that. I don’t feel the same emotion as Hinata, these side effects will pass. I only need a moment.” 

 

Between the knee-knocking and the pant on his breath, Souda thought otherwise. He took careful steps toward his friend and guided him to the edge of the bathtub. Kamukura only blinked, unfazed, as he sat on the edge. “The other outcome would have been far more interesting.” He continued. 

 

“Yeah, well, I didn’t want to deal with you cracking your head open.” Souda sat at the other edge, the enamel cold on his legs. He had a million questions swirling in his mind, his only distraction being the even more confusing emotions in his chest. 

 

He took a breath. “Damn it, okay so, Hinata hasn’t told anyone about you then?” 

 

Kamukura shook his head. “He does not think highly of me. My purpose is utilitarian. I hold the memories Hinata cannot process. Other than that I am only a background presence, except for these situations.” 

 

“I knew Hinata and you fused, but I didn’t know you were still... you.”

 

“In a sense I suppose I am Izuru Kamukura. But I also exist exclusively in Hinata’s mind, so I would not call that living.” He yawned, eyes swollen and lidded. “Seeing through his eyes is its own form of hell. What a painfully boring existence he lives...” 

 

“It is not! After everything he’s been through he deserves to enjoy a simple life.” Souda spat back, “Are you sure you’re not the one causing him all this pain?! I wouldn’t be surprised after all of the shit you’ve done!” 

 

“And what would I gain from that?” 

 

“I don’t know, you’re the one who’s always trying to entertain yourself! Maybe watching him suffer gives you some masochistic pleasure, which is fucked up by the way! Hinata doesn’t deserve any of it, he’s done nothing but try to fix all the mistakes he’s made and he’s more than made up for it—“

 

“I know.” Kamukura interrupted. “But I have no control over Hinata, I am more of an observer.” He rubbed his thumbs over his temples, his eyes closed. “Fully inhabiting the body is a new experience for me. I’m not used to feeling headaches.”  

 

Souda snorted before heading to the medicine cabinet. He poured an ibuprofen from its bottle, sending a glance at the other man. “Okay? So is this supposed to help Hinata? You being around?”

 

“I am more of a product of his situation, but in a sense, yes.” Kamukura stuck his hand out so Souda could pass him the pill. His movements were slow and calculated, he never broke eye contact as he swallowed it dry. “The two of us speak fairly often about things. Since he is the main inhabitant of the body it is mostly about his feelings, his desires.” 

 

Souda returned to his spot beside Kamukura. He understood why Hinata never told him about his other personality, but hearing just how prevalent Kamukura was in his life, well, it did hurt Souda a bit. Why would Hinata think he’d react badly to this news? Well…I guess he had some valid reasons. It was Izuru Kamukura afterall. 

 

“So you’re not, like, against Hinata or anything?” He continued. 

 

“No, I don’t see the point in that. We’re very much entwined now. I often appear co-consciously with him when he is around others. Which is why I know so much about you.” 

 

“Yeah?” Souda challenged, “Like what?” 

 

“Your favorite dish is Gyoza with shrimp, you refuse to go in the ocean, you have a superstition about stepping on sidewalk cracks, and you often stare at Hinata when you think he is not looking, but I usually notice.” 

 

As a flush climbed Souda’s cheeks he looked away.

 

‘Damn it,’ he thought. ‘This guy really has been hanging around all this time.’ 

 

Souda’s annoyance took a back seat. Maybe this was affecting him more than he thought it was. It was overwhelming, yes, and pretty sudden. Technically he was meeting a whole new person and Souda had a pretty bad track record with meeting new people. Plus this wasn’t just any person. He knew what Izuru Kamukura had done, the history of his existence, and he wasn’t a big fan of the guy's demeanor either. 

 

Yet, Souda still felt an ounce of sympathy for Kamukura. 

 

He wondered if every time Hinata’s tone would flatten, every time his dry sarcasm would peak through, if that was Kamukura showing up. Maybe in some ways Souda was already familiar with this man, maybe in some ways, he cared for him just as much as he cared for Hinata…

 

Souda didn’t reply for another minute. “Yeah,” when he finally spoke, it held more emotion than he planned. “Maybe you and me will never be as close as me and Hinata are, but you are part of him, so I can’t just tell you to fuck off. That’s not fair...”

 

“Either way I don’t care.” 

 

“Well, you could be worse. I mean no offense to Komaeda, but at least you're not like him. I never know what to say around that guy. It’s like he hates me but he won’t leave me alone! If he really liked me, why would he wake me up by tapping on my window like a serial killer? That’s ju—“

 

Kamukura laughed. 

 

Souda stopped talking mid-word, staring at the other man as his shoulders shook with it. It was the most emotion he’d seen from Kamukura since meeting him. This must have been what he meant by the two of them being entwined, maybe Hinata was having some influence on Kamukura? 

 

In a way, that reassured Souda. 

 

He stood again, bare feet cold on the linoleum. “Hinata and I are soul friends and that means I stick by him no matter what.” Souda announced, making a triumphant fist, “So I guess you and I are acquaintances now. You do freak me out though, just a little, but I’ll get used to it. For his sake!” 

 

“That’s reassuring.” Kamukura leaned his arms on his knees, breathing deeply. “I know I lack Hinata’s warmth...” 

 

“Well Hinata’s a special kind of person, he’s pretty hard to live up to.”

 

Kamukura didn’t respond. Instead, he hid his face behind his hand and yawned. Souda guessed the conversation was over. It had been a helluva night after all, or was it morning? Either way, sleep definitely wouldn't hurt. 

 

“You should get some rest,” Souda offered him a hand. “I can sleep on the floor if you want. I don’t think it's good for you to be alone after all this, just as a safety precaution.”

 

“Sleep in the bed, I don’t care. I already know how you feel about Hinata.”

 

Kamukura had already left the bathroom but Souda remained in the bathroom, trying to process what the hell the other man said. ‘

 

'That didn't mean he knew that I…no, he couldn't.’

 

Souda chose to believe that, for his own sanity.

 

When he finally got his feet to move again, he found Kamukura was already sprawled against the bed. He slept atop the covers and wasn't using a pillow but seemed peaceful nonetheless. 

 

Souda was hesitant to crawl in beside him as if he would suddenly change his mind and push him away. But that didn’t happen. Instead, Kamukura continued to rest, breathing deeply. 

 

Just like any other person. 

 

So Souda closed his eyes, listening to Kamukura’s breathing, and at that moment he felt strangely content. 

 

End of Part One  

Chapter 2: Part Two

Notes:

I am back! Please enjoy part two, I tried my very best on it :) It’s not as lovely dovey as I hoped but you know…sometimes a piece takes you in different directions lol.

By the way there’s a brief misgendering instance in this one! Souda is trans, and this fic references my fic Strange, You Never Knew where he comes out if you’re confused about that!

Part Two 

 

Hinata knew he was asleep, despite the fact he was in his childhood bedroom. 

 

He spent a few moments staring at the ceiling. He was surprised at how vivid the scene was, how he could still read the text on the poster above him. Even the smell was the same; fresh linens and city air ...exactly how he remembered it. 

 

Well, almost. During his childhood, he was always alone in his room. He had no siblings and his parents were too distant to ever step a foot inside. But right now Hinata wasn’t alone. 

 

He wished he was. 

 

“He knows,” Kamukura said suddenly. 

 

Hinata didn’t bother turning to face him, instead, he turned to face the wall. A Hope's Peak pendant stared back at him and his stomach turned. 

 

“What are you talking about?” He managed. “Komaeda only talked to me for a minute. I told him I was fine and he left. I might not have the intuition you do, but that seems like a pretty big assumption to make doesn’t it?” Venom laced the last two words. 

 

“I’m not talking about Komaeda.” 

 

“Then who are you talking about?! Can’t you just leave me alo—“ 

 

“Souda. Kazuichi Souda...or Momoko, alternatively.” 

 

Hinata sat up suddenly, as if puppet strings were attached to him. The room was filled with a faint fog but Kamukura was still visible, sitting at Hinata’s old desk and fiddling with a pen. “His name is Kazuichi!” He snapped, “Never call him that again.” 

 

“I wasn’t aware of the context. The files I read sa—“

 

“You were too, you liar! Aren’t you always lingering around?! You should have been there when Kazuichi told me his secret!”

 

“I am not always present, Hinata. I have gaps in my memory the same way you do. I wouldn’t be surprised if that event happened before you discovered me.”

 

“Yeah and I wished you stayed undiscovered,” Hinata muttered darkly. “You don’t have an excuse for not knowing his name. What did you say to him anyway?!” 

 

“I spent most of our conversation explaining our situation.” Kamukura said calmly, “You had fully retreated by that point, during your panic attack.” 

 

Foggy memories returned to Hinata. Souda had been there, he remembered his concerned expression in the bathroom mirror. “I…” a weight settled in Hinata’s chest, crushing his lungs. “I t-told you not to tell anyone! I wasn’t ready!” 

 

“I didn’t have much of a choice, it happened right in front of him. In fact, he didn’t seem to mind after the initial shock wore off.” 

 

Hinata shook his head, placing it in his hands. Souda knew plenty about his mental struggles, much more than most of his friends… but this. Hinata barely understood it, he’d only found out about Izuru’s presence a few months ago, and he wasn’t exactly thrilled about it. 

 

Facing Kamukura every day meant Hinata had to face the greatest mistake he’d ever made. After all the progress he’d made in moving on, in healing, now he had to share his mind and body with his greatest trauma. How could he ever come to terms with that? How could anyone else, either? 

 

“How…could he not mind?” Hinata choked out, “You’re Kamukura .” 

 

Kamukura cleared his throat, and when he spoke, Souda’s voice echoed back at him. 

 

“Hinata and I are soul friends and that means I stick by him no matter what! So I guess you and I are acquaintances now. You do freak me out though, just a little, but I’ll get used to it. For his sake!” 

 

Hinata looked up, had he really said that? 

 

“Don’t do that!” He snapped, “I don’t want you talking to Souda, he— I’m not ready for this right now! Please, just stop!” 

 

“If that’s what you want, Hinata. But I had no intention of sharing your feelings towards him. That's none of my concern if that’s what you’re worried about..” 

 

“STOP! Get me out of here!” Hinata kicked the frame of his bed, watching as the fog grew heavier. As his heart rate rose higher the scene around him began to crumble. The sights and sounds of his childhood bedroom began to fade into his current bedroom. He smelt salt water and wood paneling. Humidity stuck to his skin.

 

Then familiarity slowly returned to him. 

 

Hinata opened his eyes. He was lying facing the window, palm leaves blowing into view as the rain hit them. Compared to other storms Jabberwock had experienced, this one was mild. The waves of the ocean seemed to be swirling lazily and the air carried a coolness. 

 

Hinata pulled up the edge of the blanket to cover his face. Everything was still foggy, distant, and he felt the urge to fall back into sleep. Not that it mattered. Whether he was awake or asleep Kamukura would still be there, nothing could change that. 

 

And now Souda knew. Even if he’d taken the news well there was no doubt things would change between them. Hinata let his mind wander to the worst scenario; Kamukura pushing Souda away from him. What if Kamukura had lied about his reaction, what if he’d said awful things to Souda, what if he’d told him how Hinata really felt? What then? 

 

Colored dots danced on Hinata’s eyelids but he only closed them tighter. He felt so out of control. He wished Souda wasn’t tied up in all of this and that he could just talk to him. Of all of his friends, why had Souda had to find out his secret first? What kind of cruel outcome was that? 

 

Lost in all of the what-ifs, Hinata didn’t even notice the arm snaking his waist. 

 

His mind kept spinning until suddenly everything snapped into focus. The hand loosely brushing his bare stomach, the tickle of flyaway hair, warm breath fanning his back. 

 

Hinata’s own breath caught in his throat, Souda had been here the whole time. 

 

He sat up in an instant, and sure enough, his best friend was curled into him. Souda’s arm fell lamely back to the sheets when it no longer had Hinata to rest on. The rest of his body resembled an incredibly content cat; stretched and curled in on itself. 

 

Hinata watched as Souda rolled over. A chunk of pink hair wrapped around his face but he didn’t seem to mind, he just smacked his lips momentarily before settling back in. A moment later he seemed to fall back asleep. 

 

And Hinata couldn’t handle it. 

 

He dropped his body back on the mattress. To his surprise, that was enough to wake Souda from his sleep. His eyes shot open instantly but before he could comment on the situation Hinata grabbed him in a bone-crushing hug. 

 

Hinata kept his eyes shut tightly. He held the back of Souda’s shirt, bunching it up, and let himself cry. 

 

It was all he could think to do. What could he have possibly said? Words felt unattainable; everything felt unattainable…except this. Even if his friend ended up leaving him at least Hinata could enjoy this one last time. That’s what he told himself. 

 

“Hi— …” Souda’s words were choked off as Hinata squeezed him tighter. “S-shit man, I don’t mind the hug, but can you loosen up a little!? My ribs can’t take it.” 

 

Hinata let his grip slacken, compensating by yanking Souda’s shirt harder. 

 

“…Thanks. What’s wr—.“ Souda cut himself off this time. The memory of last night seemed to return to him, and the lighter edge of his tone disappeared. “You’re Hinata, right?” 

 

Hinata nodded. He took a shaky breath as Souda ran a hand up and down his back. The act was soothing and helped to calm his racing heart. So far, things weren’t going horribly. 

 

So far. 

 

“O-one day I started hearing him in my head. I thought I was losing my mind,” Hinata took a breath, struggling to speak through his tears. It was all pouring out now. “I thought it was some kind of flashback, but— …but I could talk to him, he was really there, and…and fuck, fuck I was so scared!” 

 

“Hey, take a breath…it’s okay.”

 

“I don’t even know how to handle it yet! I can’t control when he comes out, a-and I didn’t know how to tell you—“ 

 

“Hinata, it’s okay, really!” 

 

“I still don’t know his intentions or i-if he’s trying to ruin my life or something! I feel so out of control, and I was so scared he’d-he’d try to push you away and ruin eve—

 

“Hinata! Listen to me, look at me.” 

 

Hinata felt stripped completely raw. A part of him didn’t want to look his friend in the eyes, scared of what he’d see, but somehow he found the strength. His face was drenched and his eyes were puffy but Souda didn’t seem to notice or care. 

 

He was staring directly into Hinata’s eyes like they were the only things that mattered.

 

“I promise it’s okay. I already talked to Kamukura.” Souda placed a soothing hand on the back of his head, inviting Hinata to press his face closer into the other man’s shoulder. “He didn’t seem like an asshole to me. Well, he’s still him, but I don’t think he’s a threat.” 

 

“It’s— I never know what he wants! I can’t tell, it s-scares the shit out of me.” 

 

“Yeah, I can’t imagine it’s easy sharing your mind with someone. But I don’t think it’s easy for him either.” Hinata lifted his head, slightly stunned as Souda continued. “I mean, he’s a person too. He’s part of you. I’m not gonna brush over the fact it’s hard as hell to face that part of yourself but…you can’t just push him away.” 

 

“I’m not! I’m just, shit, I don’t think I can do it, Souda!” 

 

Hinata pulled away to wrap his arms around himself. He instantly grew colder, but he ignored the unpleasant sensation as he faced the window.

 

“It’s not like he’s just a person who walked into my life, I can’t escape him . He’s always hanging around hearing all of my private thoughts and feeling my…my feelings. Now he’s taking over my body, too.” He watched a pair of birds outside, struggling to fly against the wind. “I already struggled so much to feel like a person again after— after…” 

 

‘The Kamukura project.’ Hinata heard Kamukura’s voice mixing into his thoughts. ‘ I struggled to find myself, to find my purpose, and others already saw me differently. I can’t imagine how they would see me now...’ 

 

“Are you okay?” Souda crawled closer over tangled blankets. “Take a second. Breathe, Man, you’re safe here…” 

 

“You’re…not me. I-I’m my own person.” 

 

‘I want to be my own person, I don’t want to be tied to you.’ 

 

"Neither do I!” The words came out louder than Hinata intended, “you’re the one who keeps interfering, you’re doing it right now,  j-just go away!” 

 

‘I am only here because you need me to be. You need my help, you don’t need—‘ 

 

“I don’t need your help!” 

 

“Hinata. Hey, hey, it’s okay…don’t push him away…” Souda placed his hand on his leg, and that became something else for Hinata to focus on. He squeezed his eyes shut. “He’s not trying to replace you . Kamukura told me himself, he’s here to feel all of the shit you can’t…he is trying to help.” 

 

“I don’t want it to be him,” The words came out of Hinata’s mouth strangled. 

 

“…I know, I know. But he’s there for a reason, and I don’t think fighting him is making it any easier. It’s a complicated situation and…I don’t understand what it feels like, but you’re one of the most understanding people I’ve ever met, you show everyone kindness, and I don’t think Kamukura should be an exception to that. I still mean what I said about him being a part of you, but…that doesn’t mean he is you.”

 

Hinata had never considered that. Kamukura was a person…wasn’t he? They might share a body, but in the eyes of everyone else, Kamukura was a separate being. If his friends would be able to separate the two, maybe Hinata could separate them as well. 

 

And for the first time Hinata considered the fact that…eventually, this could work. 

 

Hinata placed his hand over Souda’s. He squeezed it until Souda flipped his hand around and wrapped their fingers together. 

 

“Do you need a second?” Souda asked. 

 

Hinata nodded.  

 

“That’s okay, I’ll still be here.” 

 

‘He will,’ Kamukura thought, ‘he did the same for me.’ 

 

‘…You weren’t lying about what happened, then?’ 

 

‘No. He accepts the situation. It seems you’re on the road to accepting it as well, Hinata.” 

 

‘Maybe, no— I don’t know.’ 

 

‘It’s a start. ’ 

 

‘Sure. But can you at least try to…take a backseat for a while? I want some privacy with Souda.’ 

 

‘ I can try. Though, I don’t see what there is to hide.’ 

 

‘I just want a little privacy…I feel like I haven’t had that lately. We might have to share this body, but I still need a few moments to myself.’ 

 

‘Mmm. I see. Like I said, all I can do is try.” 

 

‘Okay. Uh, thanks…I guess.’ 

 

‘You’re welcome, Hinata.’ 

 

Hinata wasn’t fully sure if Kamukura was gone. He could hear something faint, similar to feedback on a radio, but it wasn’t enough to be distracting. He took a long, deep breath. 

 

Then Hinata opened his eyes. 

 

Everything looked the same. The storm outside, the cool air, the dark room; but the heavy weight of dread was gone. Hinata could enjoy the view now. He could enjoy— 

 

Souda. Where was Souda? 

 

A moment later the cabin door creaked open and a blur of pink shot inside. Souda was holding two cans and a brightly colored bag of junk food. There was a pant to his breath, like he’d been running, and when his eyes landed on Hinata they widened. 

 

“Fuck. I tried to be quick, Man! I thought you could use something to drink! Shit fucking — you didn’t think I left, did you?!” 

 

Hinata just stared. He stared and stared like it was the first time he’d ever seen Souda before. Something deep in his chest was twisting and turning. 

 

Souda had stuck by him through all of this. He’d helped Hinata in his darkest moments and accepted him without question. They knew things about each other no one else did and trusted each other enough to keep those things secret. They shared a bond Hinata had never dreamed he’d share with anyone. 

 

All of that contributed to Hinata’s feelings, but there was something much more simple he noticed at that moment. Souda just looked…beautiful. 

 

He was in a stained tank top and oversized pajama pants. His hair was half in a knot, his eyes were puffy from sleep, and smudges were visible on his glasses. But his eyes were tender…and his soft features stood out in the dark. 

 

Souda's panic seemed to dissipate the longer they stared at each other. He slowly came over, sitting back beside the other man and saying softly. “…orange is okay, isn’t it? I also grabbed melon. I didn’t know what Kamukura would like.” 

 

And that was the first time anything related to Kamukura made Hinata’s heart nearly jump out of his chest. ‘Damn it,’ Hinata thought, ‘I don’t deserve Souda. How could anyone be this considerate? Especially to me. It’s impossible.” 

 

Hinata reached for the orange flavor, smiling softly at Souda. The other man smiled back. 

 

They stayed quiet for a long while. As they shared the bag of chips, their hands kept bumping. But neither of them stopped. Hinata thought Souda might have been doing it on purpose, just for the smallest hint of contact, and once the bag was empty he got his answer. 

 

They’d discarded their trash, cleaned their hands, and sat back down before Souda connected their fingers again. His skin was cold after running them under the water and Hinata found it oddly comforting. 

 

“I know it’s hard,” Souda spoke softly. “But you’ll get through it. I’ll help you…both of you. You’ll both be happy one day.” 

 

“I…think for the first time I can agree.” Hinata replied, “I couldn’t have faced this without you, Souda.” 

 

“Yeah. Anything for you, Man.” 

 

There was a brief silence. Hinata debated his next move. The morning had already been so exhausting, should he really be committing to this? Maybe he should wait— but no, he was feeling such strong emotions for Souda after everything he’d done for him. Now was the right time…or—

 

“You’re such a strong person.” 

 

That caught Hinata off guard. He’d already been leaning towards the other man but he pulled back before Souda could notice. “I— …thank you.” 

 

“You’ve been through so much and you still chose to be kind. I could even see that kindness in Kamukura…it’s insane, really. But it proves how special you are.” Souda squeezed Hinata’s hand tighter, looking up at him. His pink eyes sparkled. “But next time either of you need help come to me, okay? You know I’d drop fucking anything to help you. Anytime anyplace. Just come get me, Dude. I’ll be there.” 

 

Hinata swallowed the lump in his throat, and completely overwhelmed, he grabbed Souda in another hug. Except it was different from last time. This time, he snaked one of his arms free, slicked Souda’s hair back, and kissed his forehead tenderly. 

 

Souda stiffened in his arms for a moment. Then he melted, grabbing Hinata tightly and hiding his face in his bare chest. 

 

Neither of them said anything after that, but they didn’t really need to. 

 

They loved each other and that was clear enough. 

Notes:

I hope you all enjoyed this fic. It was monthssssss in the making guys I’m so tired. Next time I write it’s gonna be shorter and gayer I think. I’m itching to write them actually dating now lol.

See you all soon <3