Chapter Text
Cal pushed through the thick brush of the forest he’d found himself in with a bit of a chip on his shoulder—beyond the droid who already stood there.
‘I’m taking the opportunity to explore these new planets we keep hopping to and from’ was what he told Cere, and he while he absolutely was fascinated with all the new planets and wildlife he got to see as the Mantis jumped from planet to planet, he was definitely using this opportunity to escape the tension that festered within the ship.
The vibe in the Mantis had clearly shifted after he destroyed the holocron. Cere, though she didn’t say it out loud, was upset with him. He expected that and respected it just as well.
What he didn’t realize by destroying the holocron, was that he had opened Kujet’s Box. Tensions were high between Cal and Cere, though neither wanted them to be. Greez ended up matching their energy at some point, likely from trying to diffuse the situation so many times before giving into frustration himself, and Merrin, being the newest member, felt she had the least to contribute and probably did not want to be involved, opting instead to retreat to her room when things got stressful.
It didn’t help that Cal enjoyed Merrin’s company very much, and felt a sting of personal rejection every time she started to enter the common room and quickly left when she realized everyone was there.
Ergo, forest.
This disagreement was between him and Cere, and he felt bad that he had unintentionally involved the whole crew.
BD-1 chirped, informing Cal there was something nearby to scan.
“Ooh, good catch bud”.
Cal and BD shared an interest in the worlds they explored. When Cal would find a calm place where he knew no flora, fauna, or imperial forces could reach and potentially hurt him, he would meditate and read through BD-1’s many databanks and tactical guides. Even on the Mantis, when he wasn’t fidgeting with his lightsaber or desperately trying to lighten the mood, he was reading through BD’s logs. Back in the temple he had the same obsession with learning about the biodiversity of different planets. When he was a youngling, the masters would joke that he would be running the agricultural corps or zoological society within the week if becoming a Padawan was not part of his path.
Master Yoda, despite his endless patience, often seemed frustrated with Cal as a youngling, or at least Cal thought he was. If nothing else, he took on a firmer tone with Cal than he did the other younglings, and he knew it had something to do with his inability to focus on a single task for more than a few minutes. He had no trouble focusing on the countless texts regarding the former ecosystems of Coruscant, the billions of microorganisms living in the puddles of the Nabooan swamps, or the way the Dune Sea of Tatooine harbors an entirely different form of life than the actual sea that once lay there, but when it came time to study Jedi history, or different lightsaber forms, or any of the things he was expected to study, he found it difficult to channel the same level of care or excitement.
Master Tapal held patience, as any Jedi did, but Cal could tell he was also frustrated with his padawan’s inability to remain focused.
‘Padawan, your LIGHTSABER’
Cal shook his head as the lecture rang through his mind. He still remembers the fleeting shame he felt the day everything went wrong, as if the consequence of losing his lightsaber was far greater than whatever else was going to happen to them in the coming moments. He planned to apologize in greater detail to his master once they were both safe in an escape pod. That moment never came.
BD-1 again, interrupted his brooding with a few chirps that indicated it would be getting dark soon, and that he should likely head back.
“Do we have to?”
BD-1 let out another chirp, this one more demanding, and Cal turned around to begin the hike back to the Mantis.
He made his way again through the dense forest, jumping and climbing as he did, but glad he’d made a path for himself already. In the midst of his flips and climbs, he took a moment to appreciate his surroundings. This place really was beautiful; the green and orange moss that covered the bottoms of the trees and the forest floor, the treetops that were so dense only a few specks of light could poke through, the cliffsides with moss patterns that made it easy to climb, it really was beautiful, and he swore he could make out the faint sound of a nearby waterfall. Cal’s fascination with nature and his shorter-than-average attention span meant he did find quite a bit of enjoyment in the planet-to-planet nature he and his crew adopted for the time being.
Often when he went on these solo runs, he found himself thinking about Merrin. All she knew for the first nineteen years of her life was Dathomir. She didn’t talk about it much, but he got the feeling she didn’t venture too far outside the strangled cliffs and swamps he’d also explored when on Dathomir, and he did want her to see the rest of the galaxy. He could tell she’d wanted to see it too.
Merrin had been creeping into the forefront of Cal’s mind more often than not, lately. Eating breakfast? ‘Oh I need to have Merrin try this when she wakes up’. On a mission? ‘That conversation with Merrin earlier was really funny’. Trying his darnedest to not give his new-but-only-kinda master attitude but sometimes she makes it so hard and he just can’t hold back? ‘Merrin would probably have a fun little quip to lighten the mood’
It was getting exhausting. He knew she was pretty. Very few people would disagree with that. He’d found loads of people attractive before. There was a boy roughly his age at the temple he had a bit of a thing for, but they didn’t cross paths often after they both became padawans, so it fizzled out pretty easily. There were some people on Bracca– a twi’lek girl, a mirialan boy, and a few others he couldn’t quite place, but they all came and went so quickly he never felt anything develop past the thought “that person is pretty and I’d probably like to kiss them”.
He didn’t want this with Merrin though. At least not now. He’d known her for about two months at this point, and found her so fascinating. He wanted to be her friend. Someone so interesting is owed more than some random guy they barely know trying to make advances on them because he can’t control himself. He respected her too much to be that guy.
As he approached the Mantis, Cal could make out the faint smell of meat and unfamiliar, but not unwelcome seasonings. No doubt an attempt by Greez to get everyone out of their quarters and into the same place for more than five minutes. The beauty of the forest left Cal in a relatively good mood, thoughts of dead masters notwithstanding, so he decided not to protest the idea.
Cal entered the Mantis to a much more cheerful tone than when he’d left. There was music playing over the intercom; a song he’d never heard but in a genre he could get behind. Cere and Greez had taken the couch as Cere held her hallikset and played a few notes, attempting to match pitch and harmonize with the song playing. Greez had a drink in hand, and a few empty cups on the table in front of him, and was smiling and laughing as he (badly) attempted to sing along. Merrin was in the galley, swaying to the rhythm and mouthing the words while she focused on what looked like a sauce to go along with dinner.
“Kid! So glad to see you back in one piece!”, the Latero half-shouted, lightly startling Cere as he raised a glass to the Jedi in the doorway.
“Thanks?” Cal laughed. “I wouldn’t exactly consider this planet dangerous, but I appreciate the concern”
“Well, y’know, fall risks and all that… I don’t know” Greez waved three of his open arms, the other still holding his drink. “There’s always something to be worried about in uncharted worlds” He pointed as he took a sip.
“What’s for dinner?”
“Scazz steaks and, in your basic I believe it would be called a salad of sorts. I made a dressing out of some of the hwotha berries I had remaining in my bag from Dathomir.”, Merrin replied from the galley.
“Smells good. Need any help?” Cal had already made his way into the galley with the intention of doing just that.
“Clean off the table and start setting it for dinner” Merrin was always very blunt in manner of speaking. No one quite knew if it was from being on her own for so long with only the nightbrothers, who saw her as a superior rather than an equal or a child, for company, or if this was just how she was, but they’d learned to stop taking it personally pretty early on.
Cal set the table, making sure to put the salt within reach of one of Greez’s arms. Cere carefully put her hallikset down and sat at the table, shortly followed by Greez and his drink, while Merrin plated everyone’s food and Cal placed them on the table, making sure to place Merrin’s rare steak in the spot between him and Cere, partly as a buffer, and partly as an excuse to be close to her.
They ate in relative silence, occasionally remarking on Merrin’s seasoning choice and the salad. Cal worried he may have killed the vibe. The music had stopped, and the energy had seemingly died. Greez still had his drink, though there was an unspoken consensus in the room that he likely should not have another after this.
“How was exploring?” Cere cut through the silence, looking at Cal
“‘S fun” Cal said, trying to cover his mouth while he finished his bite. “Really pretty forest out there. Haven’t seen that much green in a while”.
“I’m glad you’ve found a way to keep busy during this period of transition. You don’t do well without a task” Cere responded objectively, but thoughtfully.
Cal was taken slightly aback. He and Cere weren’t necessarily not speaking–that time had come and gone with their holocron mission–but they weren’t talking. This conversation was the most they’d really said to each other since Cal destroyed the holocron. He still wasn’t sure if that was the right move, and he wasn’t certain he’d ever be sure, but Cere had every right to be upset with him for it. This was her mission for years, and she’d have taken it on herself had she not cut herself off from the force. The journey Cal went on was likely the last remnant of her former master, the holocron being his as well. Jedi weren’t expected to be sentimental, but it was sometimes hard not to be, especially in times like these. Cal understood and sympathized, but took comfort in the knowledge that he and Cere would not be the reason the children on that list were found by the Empire.
He hoped this wouldn’t blow over without discussion. Of course he’d wanted things to blow over, but he felt he owed it to Cere to meet at her level, and he felt he was owed the same respect. Cal was certain Cere had her own dialogue in her head, very similar to the one in his.
“Well whaddaya know, these two are talkin’ again?? Wish I’d bet on it huh?” Greez remarks, looking around the table and smiling. Cere gives him a pained, yet exhausted look, and Cal tries to hold back a laugh. The comment was annoying, yes. But something about the four armed pilot of the Mantis not knowing when to shove it would always be humorous.
They returned to eating in silence, until one by one they finished, cleaned their plates off, and retreated to wherever they felt after dinner. For Cere and Greez, that meant their respective rooms. For Merrin, it meant the couch with a datapad, and for Cal, it meant remaining at the galley table and tinkering with BD-1.
“How green?” Merrin said after several minutes of silence.
“Huh?”
“How green was the forest?”
“Oh” Cal thought for a moment. “I guess it’s tricky to describe without a frame of reference” Cal looked around the room for something green to use as an example, making his way toward the couch as he did.
“Like my magick?” Merrin asked.
“Kind of… some of the moss covering the forest floor was similar in color, but it was more like…” Cal turned around to look in the terrarium “Aah! Like the color of the leaves on the bonshyyyr tree, but all over. The ground, the treetops, the trees themselves, everywhere. And little specks of orange poking through bits of the moss. They looked similar to the fire lichen on Dathomir, but softer.”
“Interesting. I’d like to see it. Are you going out tomorrow?”
“I plan on it, yeah”
“Good. I will join you.”
BD-1 trilled excitedly. Despite her not understanding him most of the time, the little droid really appreciated her company.
Cal did too.
“Oh, cool!” Cal tried, and failed, to not sound too excited. He’d always meant to invite her along, but she was in her room often enough. When she wasn’t, he either wasn’t thinking about it, or was worried she’d say no, so he opted to not bother to begin with.
“Dathomir was a very red planet” She began.
“I’m aware” Cal quipped, as he sat next to her. Merrin shot him a look.
“My only exposure to colors like green was through the magick of myself and my sisters.” She paused, reaching for her necklace. “I always thought it was a rare color, meant only for nightsisters. I never realized just how much of it was in the galaxy. It is a beautiful color” She turned toward Cal, meeting his gaze, and looking intently. He was suddenly very aware of his own eye color, and did his absolute best to stop the blush creeping from his neck.
“When I was a youngling, I’d always hoped that when it was time for me to find my crystal, I’d find a green one.” Cal added shakily, saying the first thing that came to mind to dodge her subtle comment about his eyes. Try as he might to stop it, he’d be thinking about that one for weeks to come.
Merrin laughed. “Did you?”
“No. Mine was blue, like most other younglings. I have a green one, I just didn’t find it myself.”
A quizzical look crossed Merrin’s face. “How did you end up with it if you did not find it?”
“Well, technically yes, I did find it, but it wasn’t mine to find. When it’s time to find a crystal, it’s almost like you can hear it singing for you. Most of them are found on the planet Ilum, but I’ve heard of some Jedi finding their crystals in other locations, usually in temples on planets with a strong connection to the force.”
“But this is not how you found your green crystal?”
“No. In some of the places I’ve been, I’ve found a couple in areas where Jedi…” he trailed off, suddenly aware of the heavier content this conversation was holding. Merrin gave a look of understanding. “Anyways, while I’m not the biggest fan of taking them, they’re safer in my hands than in a smuggler’s, or worse, the Empire.”
Merrin nodded. “Do you ever use these crystals?”
Cal hesitated. “Sometimes, yeah. I feel weird doing it though, so I usually opt for my own.”
Merrin was well aware of the blueish crystal he used. It was different from the blue in the lightsaber he had when they’d first met. This one had a hint of purple also burning in the blade. She thought it was also a very pretty color.
After a moment of silence, Cal yawned, and Merrin followed quickly after. There was a light giggle between the two of them.
“I think that’s my cue to turn in for the night”, Cal quipped.
“I agree”, Merrin responded. They both stood up, and she stood far closer to him than he expected. His breath hitched and he felt that traitorous blush creep back up his neck and through his cheeks.
“Until tomorrow, Jedi”, Merrin said, and disappeared from the room with a flash, teleporting into her own.
Cal was momentarily stunned. After regaining his composure, he headed to the engine room and collapsed into his bed, reflecting on the past few hours.
This morning was the standard: quiet, festering, and dull. He leaves for a few hours, comes back, and suddenly all is lively until his return. He couldn’t help but take it personally. He took no joy in being the one to kill the vibe, especially since that exact vibe was one he felt he’d been missing. The general lighthearted fun was something he rarely experienced with others, even before the purge. He had a few moments with the clones, playing pranks on the masters present on his venator, or eating with them in the mess hall when they’d start cracking jokes. They were some of his fondest memories. He didn’t enjoy this tension with Cere but had no idea how to address it, and now suddenly Merrin was being very forward after barely speaking to anyone, and it was all so much at once that he had no idea how to process it. He sat in his bed, replaying the events of this evening over and over, spending extra time in the hour he and Merrin were alone, and especially her remark about his eyes, or at least, what he thinks was a remark about his eyes.
Even in his attempts to sleep, his mind raced endlessly, trying to comprehend just what the hell she meant.
Notes:
If u recognize the song from the title you qualify for a veteran's discount congratulations how does it feel to be SAD all the time???
Chapter 2
Notes:
Changed the title because APPARENTLY I've been getting the lyrics wrong the whole time and it was driving me crazy. Took the title from the same album tho these guys are Danger Days coded for SURE
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Cal wakes the next morning surprisingly well rested. His mind was racing for what felt like hours, but the gentle hum of the engines, even when stationary, proved an excellent source of white noise to draw focus at night. At one point Greez offered him an actual room with an actual bed, but he never was one for traditional comfort. Growing up in a temple where comfort was low on the priority list and spending the rest of his time on a planet where comfort was a luxury few could afford, he learned to live without it. The cot in the engine room was perfect for him, and made it so Merrin could have a room to herself once she joined.
Merrin
As his thoughts crossed the nightsister, he was reminded of their plans to explore this new planet together. Until now, all his exploring has just been him and BD, and while BD makes excellent company, Cal never felt the need to make conversation with the droid. A remark here and there, but silences weren’t awkward or uncommon between them.
Since they left Nur almost two months ago, Cal and Merrin had shared a few conversations here and there, but the one last night was one of their longer ones. It seemed to flow more naturally than the standard ‘Good morning-what’s up-nothing much-silence’ they’d been sharing since she joined the crew.
That order of speaking was how he got through most conversations before he joined the Mantis. When he was younger, conversation came naturally to him, but as he got older, things became more difficult. He tried his best for a bit, but ultimately found the aforementioned formula was the easiest way in and out of a conversation.
Living that way was exhausting though, and Cal was happy he and Merrin seemed to be past that, and more than glad she invited herself along. Aside from Nur, she never really ventured out into new planets with him. He was excited to show her around, and maybe explore some new areas with her.
He was happy to have a friend again.
He sat in his cot a bit longer, still recovering from sleep. He sat up and rubbed his eyes to keep himself from falling back asleep. There was a knock at the door
“Just a minute!”
“Do you always lie in bed this late when you plan to explore?” Merrin asked dryly.
“Only when I have company. I enjoy inconveniencing others very much” He replied, attempting to match her dryness, but failing to suppress a laugh towards the end.
“I am not a morning person, Jedi. The word ‘night’ is part of my title, yet I woke before you. I am beginning to think one of us is more serious about this than the other.”
Cal laughed. “Give me five minutes. I just need to get dressed and hit the ‘fresher before we leave”
“It might also be helpful if you grab some breakfast!” Greez interjected, clearly appalled at the idea of skipping a meal.
“That too,” Cal added.
“Always with the delays, this crew,” Merrin said, walking away from the door.
Cal selected a lighter poncho, one made of a softer fabric than the heavy duty ones he usually chose. He headed towards the refresher and splashed some water on his face, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. He messed with his hair for a moment, debating trying something new, before giving up and running his hands through it to push it back like he always does.
Out in the galley, Greez set up his standard breakfast spread with the typical breads and fruits. Cal made sure to grab a bag and bring some extra supplies in case he or Merrin got hungry, wrapping up some bread to bring with them. Greez started to protest, but Cere held him back, and Cal, BD-1, and Merrin were out the door.
“Finally” Merrin said once the hatch was closed. “For the longest time it was just Greez out there and while I love his stories I can only handle so many in a day”
“He loves his stories. Did he ever tell you the gambling stories from Takodana?”
“We were ten minutes into one when I finally decided I had heard enough and went to go bother you”, she said, pinching the bridge of her nose.
Cal laughed as he scouted the trees, looking for the opening in the brush he’d left the day before.
“There. Follow me”, Cal pointed to the opening and Merrin followed him into the brush.
Cal watched as she took it all in.
“It is fascinating how much green there is on this planet. On Dathomir, everything was red, or stained by it”, she said, as she looked into the treetops that formed a canopy over the forest floor.
“Not many planets exist the way Dathomir does. Red stars don’t really burn hot enough to provide life the way Domir does for Dathomir. It’s almost lucky how life was able to prosper to begin with”, Cal explains.
“Red stars are not common then?”
“Oh they’re definitely common. I’d say Dathomir is the more unusual one here. Not many planets orbiting red stars like Domir land in habitable zones. You’d have to be close enough for the warmth and light to hit the planet enough, but not so close that the planet gets pulled in all together. The fact that life can prosper at all in a system like that is honestly incredible.”
Merrin let out a hum of understanding, but said nothing more.
They walked in silence for a bit, both taking in the scenery, Merrin more so than Cal. He saw it all yesterday, and was more than happy watching Merrin take it all in. The way the golden light of the still-rising sun shone through the trees, seemingly taking great care to form a golden halo around the nightsister, contrasting her natural silver and grey hues.
Cal found himself lost in thought, thinking about several things at once. Merrin and her unfair levels of pretty , Cere and her frustrating silence, the wildlife in the forest, the path he took the previous day. There was probably more, but it wasn’t clamoring its way to the front of his mind like the rest of them.
“You are brooding” Merrin cut the silence.
“Is it that obvious?” Cal responded, turning red from the callout.
“It always is. How are you still finding ways to be troubled in environments this beautiful?”
“It’s just…” He trails off, not wanting to reveal too much about his coinciding thoughts. “Cere.” He’s half-right.
“You two still have not resolved your differences? It’s been months.”
“It’s… hard. I feel awful for destroying the only thing that gave her purpose. Five years, Merrin. She had a purpose, and I didn’t. And then I came and I went on the quest meant for her, on behalf of her, and I completed it, and she didn’t even reap the benefits. I feel bad , and I don’t know how to not right now”.
“I find it difficult to believe finding that holocron was the only thing that gave her purpose,” Merrin replied.
“You know what I mean,” Cal said, slightly annoyed at the technicality.
“I do not think I do, Cal,” Merrin said, dropping the playful way she normally includes his last name. “You are frustrated with an issue that can very easily be solved by talking to Cere. She does not hate you, Cal. And she is only kind of intimidating. You are capable of taking down imperial walkers. How is this harder than that?”
Cal knew she was right. Though he didn’t want to admit the solution was as simple as she laid it out to be, there was no denying it.
“Yeah, you’re right”, he said after a heavy sigh.
“Of course I am. I know what I am talking about.”
They resumed walking. As the brush fell back, terrain became steeper.
“Okay, this part of the hike gets a bit tricky. There’s some light climbing involved, do you think you can handle that?”
With a flash, Merrin disappeared.
“I am more than capable of handling myself” Her voice sounded from the treetops. “Rough terrain is not a concern of mine.”
Cal laughed to himself. “Right, forgot that”. He looked up, towards the vague direction of her voice. “Since you’re such an expert on rough terrain, I’m switching to my own pace. You can meet me at the top of this cliff.” He took a step forward, but was stopped by Merrin flashing directly in front of him.
“You were holding back!” She accused, feigning offense and scoffing.
“No!” Cal defended. “I just figured it wouldn’t be all that fun watching me run far ahead while you got stuck in the brush”.
“You have forgotten I can teleport”, Merrin stated matter-of-factly.
“...Maybe a little”.
Merrin laughed as she turned around, looking at the cliff in front of them.
“For the record,” she said, turning back to Cal, “I have no issue watching you scale the terrain yourself”. She gave him a smirk, and flashed away, back into the trees.
Cal laughed, shaking his head. “Should we give her a show?” He looked to BD, who beeped happily in response. Cal had come to learn the droid was a bit of an adrenaline junkie, often acting without thinking because something cool is gonna happen if he does. They had that in common.
Cal observed the small cliffside, looking for the handholds he found the day before. He began his climb, attempting to make a show of it, though he wasn’t quite sure how to. He planned to finish his climb with a flip as he jumped upwards, but made do with some risky reaches before getting there.
He planned his jump as he approached the top. Propelling himself upwards from his handholds, he flipped and stuck the landing on his feet, followed by light applause from Merrin, and a cheering series of beeps from BD-1.
“Excellent work Jedi. You are almost as capable of traversing rough terrain as I am.”
Cal smiled, only slightly offended. Merrin flashed back to the top of the cliff next to him.
“You describe to me the beauty of this forest, using colors I’ve only seen in moderation. This stretch is beautiful, but I feel there is more to be seen. We should keep going.”
“This next stretch involves a bit of a tight squeeze but it’s worth it” He said, feeling the rock formations and cliffsides around him as he searched for the opening. “But!” Cal exclaimed, startling her only slightly, “There’s terms and conditions to this stretch of the journey”, he said, turning to Merrin.
“And what would those be?” Merrin asked, crossing her arms.
“No teleporting from this point forward. I want to see your reaction.”
Merrin laughed. “I agree to your terms, Jedi. Lead the way.”
Cal found his opening, and shimmied into it. Small gaps in walls were nothing he wasn’t used to. He heard Merrin join behind him, and the two made their way through the opening in the cliff sides. It wasn’t the longest stretch between walls he’s had to endure, but he could understand that someone who takes issue with tight spaces might feel uncomfortable after a minute or two inside.
He made it out to the clearing he saw the day before. The plateau at the end of the crevice remained a spot with a perfect view of the rest of the forest. The colors remained just as beautiful, the light still poking through the treetops, as if the light itself discovered a way to rain down into the forest.
He turned to the opening to watch Merrin emerge, and saw the light of the forest hit her eyes and the awe flood in with it. The pure wonder and bewilderment she held on her face was one of the most inspiring and beautiful sights he’d seen. As she looked all around, taking in the color of the forest, the beams of light dancing on the forest floor, bathing the green and orange moss in its light. He saw this forest yesterday. He knew its beauty, and he no longer cared. There were areas he planned to explore further, but it didn’t matter anymore. He didn’t care to see the beauty of it for himself anymore. He wanted to see everything in the galaxy through Merrin’s eyes. The stoic manner with which she usually held herself melted away almost entirely. She was tearing up now, hands held to her face.
“This… this is nothing like anything I have ever seen before.”
Cal smiled. As a youngling, and often as an adult, he’d wondered if anyone could ever create or discover a new color, and what effect that might have on a person. Here and now, he was witnessing it firsthand. It was an incredible sight. He sensed her emotion, her bewilderment, as he watched her take in her surroundings. It was overwhelming. She sat down on the edge of the plateau and stared. He sat with her.
“This galaxy is so vast and I have seen so little of it. My life on Dathomir feels so small in comparison to what I have seen in the weeks since I have left.”
The air hung between them. Merrin stared into the distance as she chose her next words. She let out a deep sigh.
“I am glad I decided to join you, Cal Kestis”.
Cal smiled, taking a breath. “I’m glad to have the company. The forest is pretty but it’s nice to see it with someone else.”
“No. I am glad to have joined you. Dathomir is my home and I will miss it dearly, but it was holding me back.” The tears in her eyes began to fall. “I miss my sisters.” She paused, reaching for her necklace. “But they are not coming back. Standing in the shadow of their graves for the rest of my days is not going to fix that. You and your crew came into my life and showed me that even the deepest scars can heal; that we can one day forgive ourselves for our transgressions, and for that I will always be grateful. The darkness is all encompassing, and though I do not fear the dark, it is difficult to regain yourself once lost to it. Thank you for showing me the light.”
Merrin leaned her head onto Cal’s shoulder, and the two of them looked out into the forest, lost in their individual thoughts.
They sat there in silence for several minutes, enjoying each other’s company. Cal felt incredibly grateful to have someone like Merrin in his life. He loved Greez and he loved Cere, despite their disagreements, but Merrin was something different. Cere understood what it was like to lose everything, but just like Cal, Merrin grew up with it. The two of them had to learn how to function without guidance in a world where it was so necessary. In a world full of such darkness, where one would usually have someone to guide them through it, they had no one.
There was a lot to appreciate about Merrin. Cal came to this revelation shortly after she joined the crew. He liked her sense of humor; how sometimes you couldn’t quite tell if she was joking or not. He wondered if that was a nightsister thing, or just a Merrin thing. He admired her curiosity, and how she managed to always be slightly more careful when addressing it than he was. He appreciated her input in conversations, though she didn’t join in often.
He didn’t appreciate that his grievances with Cere kept her from joining more.
His thoughts were interrupted by a light snore. He looked to his right and found the nightsister, eyes closed, comfortably sleeping on his shoulder.
Cal wasn’t quite sure why, but the sight made him very happy.
He debated for a minute whether waking her would result in his untimely demise, but his shoulder was starting to ache and he wasn’t sure how much longer he could sit still without fidgeting at least a little. He tapped her lightly on the shoulder.
Nothing.
“Merrin. Hey, Mer.” He shook her lightly.
Still nothing.
“Nightsister of Dathomir, expert terrain traverser, destroyer of scazz steaks, hear my call.”
Merrin shifted slightly, but did not wake up. Or, didn’t open her eyes. Cal noticed a slight smile poke its way through her lips, and decided it was time to resort to more drastic measures.
“Man. I guess she’s really asleep. Or dead. That’s a bummer that she died. I was really starting to enjoy her company. Oh well. I guess if she’s dead she wouldn’t mind if I do… this!” Cal poked her in the side, startling her as she jolted off his shoulder. She quickly teleported away, and Cal felt her smack the back of his head.
“I thought I said no teleporting!” Cal exclaimed
“If you know what is good for you Cal Kestis, you will never do that again”. She spoke with a shaken venom Cal was mostly sure was playful.
“And if I do?” Cal stood up and turned around, meeting her gaze.
“You will not live to tell the tale.”
“Hold on, are you, Merrin, Nightsister of Dathomir, expert terrain traverser, destroyer of scazz steaks, ticklish ?” Cal asked, a playful yet mischievous look in his eye.
“I can… neither confirm nor deny this information” She replies, her skin turning the slightest shade of green at the accusation
“Well I guess I’ll just have to find out”, he went for the side again, panic striking her face as he continually pokes her.
“Cal… I… will destroy… everything you… hold dear”, she managed between bouts of laughter. She decided enough was enough, and that it was time to fight fire with fire. She went for his sides.
“Hey wait, hold on, maybe we can reach some form of ag reement !” Before the words exit his mouth she’s already started jabbing back. He’s laughing now, from a mixture of natural response and tragic irony. He tries to step backwards to escape, but loses his footing at the edge of the plateau. He started to fall backwards as she grabbed his arm and pulled him back up, placing a hand on the small of his back as she pulled him towards her.
Her.
Soft and warm, her hands were small and smooth, despite the callouses that lay on her palms and inner knuckles. She pulled him very close and he was very aware of just how close that was. His face was centimeters from hers, her torso inches from far more intimate locations that he desperately tried not to think about. He studied every aspect of her face: the beautiful intricacies in each feature, her tattoos and their light contrast with the rest of her skin. She hadn’t moved the hand from the small of his back, nor had she moved the other from his shoulder, keeping him in place. He could feel the rhythmic pounding of his heart in his chest, and he could feel his face growing far more red than the heat of the forest could ever hope to make it. There were no words for several moments, just a nagging in the back of his mind he hadn’t given a proper name until now.
Cal momentarily left his stunned state to regain his footing, and Merrin pulled away. He felt a pull in his chest, missing the closeness deeply. He felt something pooling in his lower abdomen, something he hadn’t felt since his friend at the temple. Feelings were never his strong suit, but it seemed he’d have to figure out what to do about it soon.
He didn’t know what to say. He was more or less, frozen in thought. Replaying the events that just happened again and again, slowly becoming convinced they never actually happened. He wanted to have something funny to say, or for Merrin to chime in with something, but she seemed to have run out of her normal sardonic quips at genuinely the least convenient moment. He felt his face grow hot. It was becoming clear that he was less than well about what just happened, but he wasn’t even entirely sure how feelings worked , and was not about to admit to something he had very little experience in.
BD-1 finally chirped up, informing the two of some new plants in the area.
‘Thank the fucking maker’, Cal thought.
Cal scouted the plateau for some way to get back down to the forest floor. He checked his holomap, noting the vines that hung from the trees as a possible way off. He turned again to Merrin, looking in the general area of her face, but not making eye contact.
“There should be a way if we find a vine hanging low enough to the ground”, he said, pointing to the hanging vines 20 or so feet off the edge of the plateau.
“Again with this we nonsense” She said, and flashed to the forest floor, finding his gaze and waving. “I wish you luck, Jedi!”
Cal smiled. Even in uncharted waters, he was comforted by her mannerisms. Regardless of how he felt on matters, she was his friend. And that was enough for him.
He used the force to pull the vine towards him. Once he grasped it, he gently walked off the edge of the plateau, gauging his distance from the ground (A good 20-30 feet. Survivable, but not comfortably). He looked around for another vine, but found no such thing.
Shit.
Cal looked for a way down, noticing a vine in the distance he figured he could reach if he tried hard enough. He began swinging back and forth to gain the momentum. He jumped, quickly realizing his visual assumption was wrong, even when he pulled the vine toward him with the force. BD-1 hopped off, using his thrusters to lower himself to the ground as he beeped loudly at Cal. As he fell, looking for some way to roll, or otherwise break his fall, he suddenly stopped. Green flame surrounded him, and all he felt was Merrin as he remained in a sort of stasis.
“Incredibly reckless. You are lucky I am here to break your falls” She began to lower him gently to the forest floor, shadows of worry flooding through her face and voice.
Once Cal was safely on the ground, her face shifted to that of a fond irritation. He took a moment to reassess his surroundings.
“Thank you–sorry I–” he stammered, a bit thrown off. He breathes, and centers himself. “That doesn’t normally happen.”
“Clearly”, Merrin said, as she took a step to keep moving forward. “But please, don’t try that again.”
Cal nodded, and on they went.
Notes:
When I saw The Force Awakens in theaters, the line where Rey said she didn't know there was this much green in the whole galaxy made me tear up a bit and after reading Battle Scars I literally could not stop thinking about Merrin and her Green Moment™️
Also I think it's so important to remember that while Cal and Merrin are having their silly little not-a-date in the woods, BD-1 is just there the whole time chilling. This guy does not know what a flirting is. He's just having the time of his life with his two best friends and he's so real for that.
Chapter 3
Notes:
Sorry this one was late!! I'm trying to at least update monthly but I hit some INSANE writers block and had a hard time with the chapter after this. Ty for ur patience :) !!
SONG OF THE CHAPTER (new thing im doing >:) )---Safe If We Don't Look Down, Mutemath.
Chapter Text
Cal sat across from Merrin at a small table in a small galley on a relatively crowded ship. He blinked, momentarily forgetting why they were there. Thoughts were coming and going; something about a mission, protecting a senator, he wasn’t sure. Merrin was wearing an ornate but dated bronze headdress covered by a shawl. He noted the similarity to her nightsister robes, covering her hair and neck but not her face. Cal had a poncho somewhere, but he wasn’t wearing it, which was strange.
BD-1 came from the galley line with a bowl of soup, and placed it in front of Merrin.
“Thank you, BD”, she said, her accent notably missing.
“Must be difficult, having sworn your life to the Jedi.” She remarked to Cal. “Not being able to visit the places you like, or do the things you like–”
“Or be with the people I love.” Cal finished, though his words weren’t his. He wasn’t sure where they came from.
“Are you allowed to love?” Merrin looked up to meet his gaze. “I thought that was forbidden for a Jedi.”
Cal gave a half smile. “Attachment is forbidden. Possession is forbidden. Compassion, which I would define as unconditional love, is central to a Jedi’s life.” He smiled again as he looked down and thought of his next sentence. “So you might say that we are encouraged to love”.
He looked up again, and Merrin was no longer Merrin. She was a human woman. She looked incredibly familiar, though Cal couldn’t quite place where he knew her from. In a moment, she, and everything around her, started to fade.
Cal’s eyes fluttered open, the familiar hum of starship engines bringing him back to reality. Back to the Mantis . Back to him, and only him.
Dreams about Merrin had become more common since his adventure with her in the forest about a week ago. Recurring thoughts of being held by her arms and by her magick, her silver features in the golden light, the green of her magick against the green of the forest. A glimpse into someone else’s conversation about a similar dilemma was new, but it did help provide some comfort in knowing that Cal was not the only Jedi to struggle with attachment. Even if he, or rather, the Jedi he was playing, begged to differ.
Regardless, he was a mess.
It wasn’t just the dreams, either. It was bleeding into his actual life. He felt his stomach flip, as if he was being dropped from another escape pod every time he so much as thought about Merrin. Any time he saw her, he could feel it spread from his stomach to his face; a tightness in his cheeks that he could only imagine made him look half as red as his hair, a fire in his stomach creeping its way down to places more obvious.
She was taking over his life, and he didn’t know what to do about it.
He didn’t exactly want it to stop either.
He felt so many feelings , all at once, all the time. Feelings he was taught to suppress. Feelings he didn’t know how to process. Feelings he wasn’t entirely sure he was capable of until recently. He was all too quickly becoming attached to her, and felt himself slipping through the cracks of his education in the process.
He needed to talk about it with someone . Greez may have been a self proclaimed “ladies man”; Cal had heard one too many incredibly detailed stories of his exploits, but hel really felt his insight was more worthy in any situation that wasn’t this one. Talking to Merrin about it was entirely out of the question, and BD-1, though his companionship meant everything to Cal, was ill-equipped to handle the complexities and general organic nature of his problems.
He needed to talk to Cere.
He sat for a moment, allowing himself to come to this realization, and mulling over his means of discussion. He wanted to approach this conversation with tact; the tension regarding him and Cere still went unresolved, and he didn’t want to use her for insight without addressing their problems first. He owed it to her to approach her about other matters first. It was long overdue.
His thoughts were interrupted by a knock on his door.
“Yeah?” He answered.
“Cal!” Merrin exclaimed, more chipper than usual for this early in the morning, though still maintaining her dry demeanor. She cleared her throat. “How are you doing?”
“I’m alright”, he half questioned, not expecting her to be nearly as energetic as she was, or even for her to be at his door. They hadn’t discussed going out today, and he was hoping for just a quiet day on the Mantis . He wasn’t sure how capable he was of turning down an invitation, though.
“Good. I was wondering, would it be alright if I borrowed BD-1 for the day? I think there may be some plant life on this planet that is compatible with magick. I think his databanks could prove useful for finding ingredient replacements.”
“Oh, yeah that’s probably fine. I’ll check with him, give me a minute.” Cal was only a little disappointed he wasn’t invited along. In the fight between ‘difficult and heavy conversation’ and ‘cool adventure with a pretty girl’, most would like to pick the latter. It was probably for the best that he wasn't invited along. This conversation needed to happen.
BD-1 was happy to join Merrin on her mission for the day, and quite frankly, it was going to be easier to talk to Cere with less bodies on the ship, so Cal swallowed his dejection and began working himself up to confronting Cere.
He went through his standard routine: going to the refresher, washing his face, fixing his hair, though he opted to stay in his more comfortable sleeping clothes than put on his scrapping vest and poncho like normal. He needed some form of comfort for this conversation.
Cere was in the cockpit, maintaining her station and working. Cal wondered if she was monitoring comms, or at least trying to. It’s not like there was much going on in this system to pay any mind.
He sighed, reminding himself why he was here. He sat in his cockpit chair and flipped it around, facing Cere, who looked up and removed her headset.
“Cal”, she acknowledged. “What can I–”
“We need to talk”, he interjected.
“Okay”, she placed her headset on the console. She looked to him, gesturing for him to start first.
Cal went to speak, but froze. He knew there were things to talk about. Pressing matters, potential resentment, banthas-in-rooms, but he couldn’t conjure the words in his mind. He reset himself, took a breath, and decided to just let words come out of his mouth.
“I don’t like how we’ve been these past few weeks”, he finally said.
Cere nodded, allowing him to continue. It was unclear whether the look on her face was washed by several emotions happening at once, or if none of them were happening at all.
“When I was a youngling, I was friends with everyone. It came naturally to me. As a padawan, maintaining friendships with people my age became a bit tricky, since we were all out on our own missions, but I was able to talk to my master, and the clones, and my padawan friends that I did get to see more often, and that still came naturally to me.” Cal took a deep breath, choosing his next words. “Bracca broke that, I think. For the first year I was in so much shock. I was a shell. I kept to myself. Prauf took me under his wing, and I was making friends again. I never was able to get too close to anyone my age because they transferred us around all the time, but if I got transferred, Prauf would put in transfer requests to follow me. He was well respected in the guild, so they let him. For those five years, I had someone watching my back.”
Cal felt his eyes start to sting. He didn’t want to cry, but he couldn’t help whatever was happening. His words were starting to become shaky.
“So when you found me, you and Greez. Right after…” he breathed, “right after he was killed, part of me was worried that I’d have to work to build a relationship as strong as that one. This galaxy is harsh and cold, and I can’t handle being part of the cold. Our little crew was the first bit of community I’ve felt in a long time, and I know you feel the same.”
Cere nodded, a somber look across her face.
“So why are we being so cold to each other?” He asked, barely meeting her eyes.
Cere sighed, as if waiting for that question from the moment he sat in front of her. She put her head in her hands and rubbed them across her face.
“I– don’t know. Part of me knows you did what needed to be done. Those children are safer not knowing their capabilities, and safer spread amongst the galaxy. I understand that. I respect your decision.” She tried to meet his gaze, but couldn’t fully. “There’s something in me that’s hurt by the action, though.” She looked up. “This is my burden to carry though, Cal. Not yours.”
“Then why does it feel like mine?” Tears were falling now, though his voice did not break.
They sat in silence, Cere thinking of what to say in response, Cal trying to keep himself from crying more.
“I feel like I can’t have fun with everyone at once. Like when I try to join in, the mood dies. It’s hard not to internalize that”, Cal says.
“How so?”
“Just the other day, when I came back from exploring. You three were having fun, playing music, making food, and I came in and suddenly no one felt like having fun anymore. You put your hallikset away and Merrin turned off the music.” There was a slight hint of frustration to his voice. “You talk to Merrin more than you talk to me. And that’s fine. You’re allowed to. But you didn’t trust her at all a few weeks ago and you guys have full conversations while I barely get a nod of approval from you when addressing the entire group. Cere, you’re really important to me. You’ve been there for me in ways no one else could.” Cal sat with his words for a moment, allowing himself to choose the next ones carefully. “I’m sorry about the holocron. That was your only purpose for years, and I sliced it in half. I should’ve consulted, or at the very least warned you first. I’m sorry.”
Cere took his words with careful consideration. She let out a deep sigh and looked to the ground, a light smirk ghosting across her face. “That really was my only purpose, wasn’t it?” She laughed a bit, as if only now realizing.
“Cal, I’m sorry. I was blinded by my ‘purpose’, or… lack thereof, and I took it out on you. It was an immature action that I hadn’t even realized I was doing, and I’m not going to do it anymore. That holocron was a test. A test I would have failed. You made the right choice, or rather, the best choice to be made in a time like this.” She smiled, placing her hand on his knee reassuringly. “I am endlessly proud of the progress you were able to make in such a short time, and the speed with which you’ve fallen back into action.” Cere smiled, and Cal smiled back.
Good.
“As for Merrin, I’ve grown to appreciate her. She has an interesting perspective and I enjoy hearing more about it”, Cere said.
“Is it because she seasons her food with more than just salt?”
“That’s neither here nor there, though I’d definitely call it an added bonus”, she laughed. While they loved their Latero captain, his cooking left something to be desired.
“I see you two have been talking more lately”, Cere remarked.
“Me and Greez? I mean I guess, but–”
“You and Merrin .” Cere saw through his attempt at deflection. A slight blush poked through Cal’s cheeks. His face was already red from crying, so it wasn’t obvious, but Cere knew him, and could sense his unease in the force.
“That was… part of why I wanted to talk to you. Not that I didn’t want to resolve our issues, I just– I need– I– ugh.” Cal fought through words his brain was struggling to create, and Cere held up a hand to signal him to stop. He gave a thankful look in response.
“You like her?”
“I mean, of course I like her. She’s an important asset–”
“Cal, you need to stop deflecting. You like her, don’t you?”
Cal’s heart dropped at the callout. He knew his feelings were starting to become a problem, but he hadn’t admitted to himself that there was any rhyme or reason for it. Were it up to him, he’d turn it off; keep his feelings at bay, like the masters would. He’d have no romantic feeling of any kind, especially not towards the one person his age who seems to actually understand what it might be like to be him . The one person he could see as a friend, rather than a master or an uncle.
But he wasn’t the masters. And these feelings weren’t going anywhere anytime soon.
“I– think I do”, his face grew redder, though he did feel lighter at the admission.
“I thought you might. You two have been getting closer lately. How are you feeling about this?”
“Not great, if I’m being honest. I wanted a friend. I want a friend. Every other time I’ve had… feelings for people they’ve fizzled out just as quickly as they came, and they never felt like this . It’s nice to have someone around who gets it, and I’m not saying you and Greez don’t, I just think she and I have experienced similar things at similar times and it’s comforting to have that connection. I don’t want to ruin that connection, Cere. I really, really don’t.”
“Believe it or not, you are not the only Jedi to experience feelings like this”, Cere sighed. “There were plenty of Jedi who experienced the same problems. Most humanoids do; it’s just part of the experience. Though I have no official confirmation, I know there was a woman in Master Kenobi’s life that he cared for. I heard them talking over the holos one night while walking through the halls and their conversations was… less than safe for younglings, to be frank.” Cere stopped for a moment, thinking of more examples. “Master Mundi had a few wives, as was customary in his culture, though I’m not sure how much he actually cared for them. I know there are more. Even I had an experience similar to yours in my padawan days, though like you said, it fizzled out. There were thousands of us. Few experiences are exclusive to only one Jedi.”
Cal understood that he was likely not the only Jedi to experience infatuation, though knowing that even the Masters themselves were not exempt from it did provide some comfort.
“So the code–”
“Speaks of attachment. Jedi are supposed to feel their feelings. It’s where our power comes from. We feel the force, the will of others, the emotion. It’s just important that we are mindful of those feelings. We cannot let them become all consuming. Even positive emotions; happiness, comfort, excitement, can become dangerous if we crave it deeply enough. This journey is yours, Cal. You unfortunately will have to come to most conclusions alone, but the people who care for you are here to guide you on that journey.”
Cal smiled, comforted, though still at conflict with himself. “Thank you. I like being able to talk to you again.”
“So do I.”
Their moment of reconciliation was interrupted by the comms on Cere’s station beeping wildly.
“What’s going on?” Cal asks, a hint of panic poking through his voice
“We’re getting a comm. It’s urgent by the sounds of things”
Cere unplugged her headphones, allowing Cal to hear the comm. After a moment of fidgeting with the machine, the familiar voice of Mari Kosan rang through the speakers.
“ Stinger One , I come to you with a mission, if you’re up for the task.”
“Mari! It’s good to hear y-”
Cal was cut off by the prerecorded message that clearly had no desire for small talk.
“With this message I’ve included coordinates to my contact and a baseline runthrough of your mission. Should you choose to accept, return my comm with three beeps. If not, I’ll alert my contact and inform them they’re on their own. I respect any choice you may make, though you should know this mission could help the cause greatly. Regardless, I await your response, or lack thereof. Over and out.”
Cal and Cere looked at each other, and back at the comm.
“Well”, Cere said after a moment, “I guess we have a mission.”
Chapter 4
Notes:
One must imagine Cal Kestis screaming like Finn from adventure time when he is startled.
SONG OF THE CHAPTER--- Caught in the Middle, Paramore.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
“Serenno? What in the Galaxy could possibly be worth going to Serenno for? ”
“That’s the thing, we aren’t entirely sure yet.” Cal replied to the Latero, expecting resistance.
“So let me get this straight, you want me to risk my safety— our safety, for a wild bloggin chase from a person we worked with once who wouldn’t even show her face? Am I getting all that right?”
“Pretty much.” Cal replied
“Yeah alright I’m game”, Greez replied, dropping his arms from their state of protest.
“Ha! Greezy money, you won’t regret this!” Cal smacked Greez on the back, a gesture the Latero appreciated, though he tried to hide it.
“I’ll get to replying to Mari now then. Captain, prepare the ship for takeoff. We’re leaving as soon as we get those coordinates” Cere said. Greez quickly got to work prepping the ship for hyperspace travel.
“I’ll go let Merrin and BD know,” Cal said, leaving the cockpit.
Though she was often quiet while stowing through the halls and common areas of the Mantis, he knew the droid was incapable of entering a room of friends without announcing his arrival, so he figured they were still out on their mini adventure.
Cal hoped they were getting along. Though Merrin wasn’t versed in binary, BD was an excellent listener, and he had tone to indicate purpose, if nothing else.
Cal stepped outside. It was midday; the sun was directly on top of him in the clearing they’d parked the Mantis in almost two weeks prior. The beauty of the forest was still insurmountable, and though he’d miss it dearly, he would decidedly miss neither the intensity of the sun, nor the sheer level of humidity that came with it. He was certain humans weren’t built for environments like these, though Cere never seemed to complain.
He scouted the area for any new paths Merrin may have made, though he quickly realized his “no teleportation” rule held no authority in his absence. He began to follow his original path from a few days ago when he heard a series of beeps that sounded like laughter coming from the distance.
“And when it returned, I disintegrated it.”
The robotic laughter continued as Cal could begin to see his friends’ figures in the distance. Merrin carried one of the bags she’d brought from Dathomir, now filled with what Cal assumed were various ingredients.
“I do not know why you are laughing. That creature had disturbed me for too long and I finally had the courage to destroy it. It is a story of persistence, not humor”, Merrin said, though Cal could see her smile even from his distance. Clearly she’d also found the humor in her story.
Cal waved, getting their attention.
“Cal Kestis”, Merrin said, becoming worse at hiding her excitement towards friends with every greeting, “We missed you on our adventure. I was telling BD-1 stories of my time on Dathomir. I assume he was telling me stories of his time with Cordova in return”, she turned her head to the droid as she trailed off, looking for nonverbal confirmation. BD-1 nodded in response. “I unfortunately could not understand them, but I am sure they were just as interesting.”
Cal looked to BD for confirmation, to which the droid quickly shook his head.
“That’s great! I’m glad you guys got to spend some time together, even if the conversation was a bit one-sided” Cal smiled. He knew they’d get along.
BD-1 hopped off of Merrin’s shoulder and onto Cal’s, a move that only slightly offended the nightsister. Cal gave Merrin an apologetic look and BD-1 a pat on the head.
“What are you doing out here?” Merrin asked, her usual blunt tone finding its way back into her voice.
“I actually came out here to find you guys. We have a mission. We’re leaving as soon as we retrieve the coordinates.”
BD-1 beeped happily. Though he and Cal both enjoyed the details of this planet, Cal could tell the droid missed the action. Truth be told, he did too.
“Where are we going?”
“The planet Serenno. We don’t know the details of the mission yet, but I do know the planet was home to the Separatist leader Count Dooku. It’s where he lived after leaving the Order, I think.”
“And we support…?”
“The Republic. Not the Separatists. Though I guess it doesn’t really matter anymore. It’s all the Empire now anyway.”
“Cal, I have been trying for weeks to understand your galactic politics, do not go changing the rules on me now.”
“I mean, these politics are at least five years out of date at this point, Mer. You might want to verse yourself with what’s important now.” Cal said plainly, a hint of sarcasm poking through his voice. Merrin had clearly been rubbing off on him.
“The empire is bad.”
“Fair enough.” He laughed.
As they stepped inside the Mantis , they found Cere and Greez at their stations. Cere awaiting Mari’s response, and Greez working the pre-flight checklist. Merrin muttered something about taking inventory of her findings, and Cal watched as she headed to her room.
“Cal, can you help with flight prep real quick?” Greez semi-shouted from the cockpit.
Cal turned his head from the hallway and began to walk towards Greez. He entered the cockpit, finding Greez kneeling under the console, working the electronics.
“Okay”, Greez acknowledged and initiated with the same word. “The ship keeps telling me there’s a problem with the gyroscope, but I have other stuff to monitor and while I have the four arms, I ain’t omnipresent. I need you to head to the lower level of the engine room and see if everything is running like normal.”
Cal nodded and headed to the engine room, knowing exactly what he was looking for. On a ship like the Mantis , one longer than tall, with its steering system on display, it was likely going to be housed in a large metal cylinder with an access panel to manually operate it for testing. He entered his room and grabbed a pair of scrapping gloves from his workbench before heading down the ladder behind his cot, into the lower levels of the ship. BD-1 turned on his light to help Cal see what he was looking for.
Cal held his comm to his face. “Alright Greez I’m looking for the access panel. Any hints as to where it might be?”
“Port side, you’ll have to crawl under the cylinder to access it though.” Greez replied.
“Yeah that sounds about right,” Cal said to himself, noting the incredibly small amount of space between the large metal cylinder and the floor. He could squeeze through, but not easily, and the heat radiating from the cylinder was already proving difficult for Cal to handle. Nevertheless, he had to suck it up and go.
He took a moment to assess his surroundings, trying to find some other way to the port side of the gyroscope, to which he found none. It was under or nothing.
“I guess the ship was made for Latero, huh.” He looked to BD, who beeped apologetically, yet encouragingly, in response.
Cal took a breath, and began to crawl very carefully under the cylinder, trying his absolute best to not touch anything , and cursing himself for not getting dressed like he should have. The comfort was well appreciated for difficult conversation, not difficult machinery.
Making it through unscathed, Cal stood up, and found the access panel on the port side of the cylinder, just as Greez said. He opened it, and among the several wires, noticed one was disconnected.
“I think I found the problem, Greez. There’s a wire here that’s disconnected, and I’m willing to bet it’s one of the wires that pairs it with the accelerometer. I’ll reconnect them and you let me know if it does anything on your end.”
“You got it, just say the word.”
Cal carefully held the disconnected wire, thankful he’d grabbed his gloves for electrical work, and plugged it back into the port it had presumably disconnected itself from. The Mantis whirred in response, informing Cal his assumptions were correct. Cal soon heard cheering from the other side of the ship, confirming the validity of his assumptions.
“Fantastic job, Kid!” Greez said over the comm. “Now head forward through the lower level and you’ll find some lights lining the ceiling of your level. Tell me which ones are on when you get there.”
Cal made his way back under the cylinder, maintaining the same level of care as he did the first time, but tapping his arm on the metal on his way up. He let out a pained groan, covering his forearm with his hand in an attempt to soothe it. It worked well enough for the time being, and he continued on, trying his best to ignore the pain as he removed his hand. BD-1 moved forward to scan his arm, asking if he was in pain.
“I’m fine, buddy.”
BD-1 let out a series of chastising beeps in response.
“I’ll take care of it when we get out of here bud, I promise.”
That answer seemed to satisfy BD-1, who settled back onto Cal’s shoulder.
The walk from the stern to the bow of the Mantis , though not long on the upper level, felt like an eternity in the heat of the lower level. Cal found himself wondering if he was simply the only person on the ship who just had no aptitude for handling the heat. His burn wasn’t helping matters.
Cal approached the front of the Mantis and looked up. The floor was grated, so he could see into the back of the cockpit.
“ Hey, Greez ”, Cal shouted with a volume rarely used indoors upwards.
“Cal!” Greez jumped. Cal laughed in response. “Y’know, the volume was a little much. I can hear you just fine with your regular inside voice. Make yourself useful instead of laughing at the misfortune of your superiors, why don’t you?”
“Hey, I’ll have you know I was once a commander of the Grand Army of the Republic , thank you very much. That would technically make me your superior.”
“And I’ll have you know, this is my ship, deal with your life.”
“And I’ll have you both know this conversation is getting you nowhere, and I am trying to focus,” Cere inserted herself. “If we’re pulling rank from a time where it no longer matters, I outrank both of you. Cal, what lights are on down there?”
Cal was still smiling, despite the teasing nature of the conversation. He was glad their dynamic was headed back to normal.
“The first three are lit, the fourth one is out.”
“Perfect. Thank you Cal. You are hereby dismissed. Prepare to jump to hyperspace within the next five minutes,” Cere said, looking at Greez as she did, who threw all four arms up in response.
Cal gave a small two fingered salute to them both, and made the perilous journey back to the stern of the Mantis. The walk felt shorter this time, whether it was because it was familiar, or because he knew it meant escaping the heat, he didn’t really care. The ladder back up to his room was like a beacon in the night, lighting him back to the land of the moderate temperatures. He was probably going to need a shower after this.
As Cal climbed the ladder back into his room, his hair found itself sticking to his forehead, losing its general windswept nature—he was definitely going to need a shower now. He let BD-1 off his shoulder to charge, took off his sleep shirt, grazing the burn on his arm as he did— he was gonna need to take care of that soon too —and threw it into the laundry pile that he was definitely also going to get to soon.
Stepping out of the lower level was a breath of fresh air, into the climate controlled environment of the rest of the ship. The air felt nice on his chest, now that it had been freed from the shirt that had clung to him with sweat just moments earlier. Cal figured there was no point in a full on scrapping outfit this late in the day, but needed something clean , and elected to grab some sleep shorts and an old training shirt that somehow still fit him after all these years.
He headed out the door of his room to the refresher, keeping a relatively steady pace as he walked. Though he didn’t necessarily mind anyone seeing him without a shirt on, he tried not to make a habit of walking around the ship half naked.
As if on cue, he practically smacked into the one person on the ship who made him mind his lack of shirt very quickly . Cal let out a small noise that sounded like a mix between a squeak and a scream.
Everything froze for a moment. Cal was stunned and embarrassed at his appearance and vocalizations, Merrin was stunned and probably also embarrassed for the same reason, or for the fact that she was knocked off her course, Cal couldn’t tell, nor did he care. He just wanted an out, and there was none.
Matters only became worse for him when the Mantis began to take off, the gentle force from the jump to hyperspace pushing Cal backwards and Merrin forwards. She stabilized herself on the nearest wall, effectively and unintentionally pinning him to it.
If his face wasn’t red before, it absolutely was now. He desperately tried, and failed, to not pay attention to the intricacies of her face, to not look at her lips and imagine what it might be like to kiss them , to not imagine himself tracing the lines of her tattoos with his fingers. His usual avoid-all-eye-contact manner of looking at her was off the table; all he could do was stare into the beautiful brown eyes before him. He felt as though he was staring into the abyss in the most pleasant and poetic way possible. Why did he ever avoid looking into her eyes?
They remained in that position for what felt like several minutes, before Merrin noticed Cal’s arm.
“Your arm, are you hurt?” She asked, grabbing it to inspect. Cal felt his body relax as they separated. He hadn’t paid much mind to the burn, but looked down to notice it was beginning to blister and peel.
“Wha– oh, no. I mean, yes? I burnt my arm in the lower level. I’m worrying about it later”, Cal replied, his opportunity to just leave completely gone and out the door.
“That probably is not the kind of thing you should simply ‘worry about later’. Come with me, I can help with that.” She pulled on his arm and began to lead him to her room, but he held back.
“Can I— I just—ugh.” Cal stopped, breathing again like he did earlier with Cere, though he still couldn’t find the words to verbalize his thoughts. Merrin looked back at him, a bit confused until he gestured to his clothes and towel in his arm and then the refresher door.
“Oh. Yes I suppose you could take care of that first. Come…” Merrin broke eye contact, looking down at him and back up. “...meet me when you’re done. And do not use hot water.”
Cal swore he saw a hint of green hiding behind her cheeks as she turned back into her room.
As he entered the refresher, he carefully shut the door behind him and threw his head back against it as he sank to the floor. Until now, he’d tried to push his feelings down. His stupid immature crush on the only person left in the Galaxy who could possibly understand what he experiences on a daily basis had driven him absolutely insane. He felt like he was losing his mind as he began to think that he might actually like feeling this way.
Save for the constant embarrassment, and the struggling to think of things to say, and the constant second guessing, when they were together, he felt good. He enjoyed being around her. And the giddiness he felt immediately following their hangouts was a high he enjoyed riding.
His thoughts continued to swirl in his mind as he stepped into the shower, turning the water colder than normal as a means to both cool and calm himself down.
She was checking you out, too.
Cal shook his head at the thought.
She was just as green as you were red.
Physically impossible. Cal ran pink on a normal day.
She might like you too.
He stopped for a minute at that thought.
Could she?
The thought hadn’t really crossed his mind. Sure there was a chance , but Cal assumed Merrin was just better at being professional than he was.
So the Jedi who was taught discipline and diplomacy from day one is suddenly less professional than the nightsister?
Incredibly presumptuous that the nightsisters were inherently unprofessional.
You might have a chance.
He tried to think of anything else. But it was Merrin, and she was just as pretty and nice and Merrin as she always was, and so his thoughts she would continue to occupy.
After his shower, Cal ran the towel through his hair to dry it, and then fixed it with his hands, pushing it back the way he always did. He dried the rest of himself and got dressed. The same voice that insisted she was stealing looks was also garnering excitement that the two of them were going to be in her room together .
Cal couldn’t help but smile to himself. He was excited to spend some one-on-one time with Merrin, even if it was purely platonic because she definitely probably didn’t also like him too.
Definitely.
Cal took a breath, fixed his hair one last time, and made his way to Merrin’s bunk. He knocked on the door, and almost immediately it was opened.
“Welcome, Jedi.” She greeted.
“I thought we moved past the title when addressing me. You even started calling me by my first name instead of ‘ Cal Kestis’.” He used her accent when saying his own name.
“Well you lost some points when you bonked into me with your… day mne sily, boobs.”
“Excuse me? My what? ” Cal asked, trying his best to contain his laughter but utterly dumbfounded and incapable of doing so.
“You heard me. Boobs. Full force. In my face. Boobs.” Merrin started laughing as well.
“I don’t think I have those, Mer, gonna level with you here.” Cal was still laughing.
“Well I am not sure what you would call them, but you still bonked me with them. I feel I am owed an apology of sorts.” She had a smile on her face Cal didn’t see often. A genuine, open mouthed smile that nestled its way deep into his mind never to escape. Everything he did now was to receive that smile again. He never wanted her to stop.
“Merrin, Nightsister of Dathomir, Destroyer of Scazz Steaks and Expert Traverser of Terrain and Unfamiliar Forests, I am truly sorry to have bonked you with my chest . It was a lapse of judgment, it will never happen again.” He hung his head, referencing a former senator of the Republic’s apology when it came out he said some not great things to a fellow senator. A joke that was funny to only him, as she was not aware of the republic’s existence until fairly recently. The comedic nature of the message seemed to have found its way to her regardless, because she laughed through the entire thing.
“I may consider forgiving you. Though I might be too attached to the title you have given me to give it up now.”
The laughter subsided, both standing closer than necessary for normal conversation. Cal hadn’t noticed until now how small the standard bunks of the Mantis were. Merrin had made a makeshift workstation atop a dresser, which was covered in bowls and ingredients. Cal noted the bag from her adventure with BD-1 on the floor next to the dresser.
Merrin turned to see what he was looking at, and immediately sprang to action, as if suddenly remembering why he was there. She grabbed the bag on the floor, pulled out some plants, and placed them into one of the bowls.
“Oh, I thought you were just going to use a bacta solution.”
“If we are simplifying things, yes. Though it will work faster, and probably smell nicer.” She opened one of the drawers of the dresser and pulled out a pestle before mashing the ingredients in the bowl together. Cal noted that it did , in fact, smell nicer than the overtly sterile scent of bacta, with a warm, floral undertone that was far more welcoming.
Merrin held the bowl in her hand as a green flame formed in her palm. She used the pestle as a makeshift mixer before retracting the flame and bringing the bowl to Cal. She motioned to the bed, where he sat and she followed. She moved herself closer to him and grabbed his arm, looking carefully at the burn.
“I will warn you, Cal Kestis, this will hurt for a moment.”
Cal barely registered the words she said before she spread a thick layer of the paste over his arm. A searing, almost unbearable pain shot through his entire body as he let out a short scream. He tried to pull his arm away, but Merrin held it tightly.
“You will need to remember to breathe steadily. I will guide you if necessary.” She looked to Cal, who squeezed his eyes shut from the pain, but nodded, accepting the help.
“Okay, breathe in… and out…” He followed the instructions, steadying his breathing. The pain subsided as he did, leaving him almost in a state of bliss. His eyes fluttered open as he looked down at his arm. The paste, and the burn, were both gone. She turned to grab a length of fabric and wrapped it around his arm.
“Leave this on for the rest of the night. Sleep with it as well. It should be fine by morning.”
“How did you learn to do this?” Cal asked, rubbing his arm.
“My sisters,” Merrin answered plainly, making him feel a bit dumb for asking. “There were different classes within my coven. I was on track to become a healer.”
“Did you choose that?”
“I did. There were four options for young nightsisters: hunter, gatherer, healer, and defender. We learned enough to keep ourselves safe in our elementary years, and the rest would be spent in our specialization until Mother Talzin deemed us ready. I worked closely with the other healers for roughly two years, until they met their end.”
“Seems restrictive,” Cal remarked.
“More so than your upbringing? I had four options to choose from. Were you somehow provided more? ”
Cal sat with that for a moment. “No. Though I think I technically could have left at any time, I think the choice was presented to my parents whether or not I became a Jedi. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy it, but I guess I’ve never thought of it that way.”
“What was it like?” Merrin asked. “The temple, I mean.”
“It was huge and beautiful. There were wide, open common areas and halls, but individual rooms felt small and quaint. We had an archive room, which was my favorite. All the information in the galaxy at your disposal.”
“What did you use it for?”
“Fun facts about swamps, mostly. I always felt like a bad Jedi for pursuing knowledge about planets and biomes to lightsaber technique or how the force works, but I remember once, when I was a youngling, I was in the archives far past youngling curfew, and Jocasta Nu, the Chief Librarian, came and sat with me. She knew she was supposed to tell me to get to bed, but she pointed to the datapad I was holding and told me that one was her favorite. We talked about it all night, and I told her exactly what I just told you; that I felt bad about liking biomes more than ‘normal jedi stuff’. She told me the desire to use a weapon is not what makes a Jedi. The pursuit of knowledge, however, is integral to a Jedi’s being. Being in tune with the world around us is what makes a Jedi.”
“I like that”, Merrin said with a smile.
“What about you?” Cal asked. “I know Dathomir as the planet that almost killed me multiple times. What was it like growing up there?”
“Still deadly, though it is made easier to manage when local tribes and fauna are not trying to kill you.” Cal raised his hands in defeat. “There was more to being a nightsister than just hunting, gathering, healing, and defense. We had arts and stories. We often used the arts to tell stories. Mother Talzin rarely got involved, though I do remember one day when I was very young, she brought her cauldron and through the fumes, illustrated a story of a young sister who made false calls of nydaks every day, until one day there actually was a nydak and no one believed her, ending in her and her sisters’ demise. I think it was meant to scare us, but the younger sisters and I all thought it was the most fascinating thing we had ever seen. We begged the elder sisters to ask Mother Talzin to do it again, but they never did.”
“We had a story like that too! The youngling who cried lothwolf!”
“That is so interesting, that our cultures had never crossed, and yet there was intersection.”
“I think the true nature of any culture is to find different ways to scare their children into obedience,” Cal stated. They both laughed, though Merrin’s laughter could not hide the small sadness in her eyes— a sadness Cal understood entirely.
Merrin rest her head on Cal’s shoulder. He rested on her head, no longer ignoring the feeling that would pool within his abdomen. He wasn’t sure if it was anticipation or nerves, or some undiscovered third thing, but he was learning to accept it.
“What would they think of us now?” She asked.
Cal wasn’t sure how to answer that. He wanted to believe his former master would be proud of him, but he wasn’t entirely sure of anything anymore.
“Did I ever tell you about Ilyana?”
“You mentioned her once. I could tell she was important to you.”
“She was. She still is. I loved all my sisters but Ilyana was… the most I had ever cared for a person. She made me feel things I was incapable of feeling for anyone or anything else. She and I would dance together when music was playing. I learned to play the erhu because the way she danced was something I wanted to experience daily. Part of me is convinced I became a healer just so I could continue to be closer to her, though she would never let me admit that. She insisted I chose correctly, because she knew I enjoyed potions and their elements, and to an extent, she was correct, but I guess I will never be certain.”
Cal remained silent, taking in the information as she laid it out.
“After…” Merrin sounded like she was getting choked up. Cal felt a tear fall onto his shoulder. “After she died, I promised to myself I would not play again. I threw my instrument off the strangled cliffs the day it all happened. I did not want to hear music again, and luckily for me, the nightbrothers didn’t enjoy it either.” Cal put his hand on top of hers as a sign of comfort. His stomach did another flip, something he tried to ignore this time, because now was neither the time nor the place.
“The other day, when you left to explore the forest was the first time I had been able to listen to music again. Greez showed me his selection, and I found a disc from a band of nightsisters that left to pursue music in the core worlds. The first song played and I started crying. It took me a while to compose myself, but I never wanted to stop listening. And I have you and your crew to thank for that, Cal.” Merrin smiled, raising her head to meet his gaze.
Cal smiled in response, his stomach still doing the flippy thing. “I’m glad we could help. You deserve it.” He fought every instinct in his body to keep from deflecting. This moment wasn’t about him, or his stupid, awkward need to keep a low profile. This was a tender and vulnerable moment that Merrin decided to share with Cal, and he was incredibly grateful for it.
They spent the rest of the night talking about their childhoods, sharing funny stories, until they fell asleep.
Notes:
day mne sily, (INCREDIBLY ROUGH and not Cyrillic) Russian translation for 'give me strength'. I do not speak Russian, but I hc that the Nightsisters have a similar language and dialect to some slavic languages. Tina Ivlev, who plays Merrin, is Russian so I went with that. If I am not accurate, PLEASE correct me in the comments and it will be fixed.
Erhu, Chinese string instrument. Played similarly to a Cello.
If there's one takeaway from this chapter, I NEED it to be the accuracy of my gyroscope section. My partner (and beta reader) is a certified spaceman and checked my information to make sure it was accurate. Nothing but the finest science fiction for the readers of my self indulgent nonsense fic.
Chapter 5
Notes:
Sorry this one took so long the holidays came and work got absolutely insane so I would just come home and disassociate for several minutes before passing out entirely. Don't work in tourism, folks. It'll do things to you.
Song of the chapter--- Fast in my Car, Paramore
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Cal was stuck. Not in any life or death circumstances where he had to make a quick decision, and not in the literal sense of being stuck to the floor, but he was stuck nonetheless.
The previous night in Merrin’s room was replaying over and over in his head. The comfort she felt with sharing her trauma, her childhood, the way they’d shared stories of their upbringings and the strange rules about their respective orders they never understood played on repeat as he continued to feel his stomach flip in the way he’d gotten used to when topics came to Merrin.
He could handle that. He did it every day. A new challenge had arisen this morning, however.
He was in Merrin’s bed.
Merrin was in Merrin’s bed too.
And her head was on his chest and she was sleeping so soundly and she looked so pretty and peaceful and Cal had to do everything in his power to keep entirely still because his mind kept repeating the phrase do NOT fuck this up, Kestis ad infinitum on top of the replay of the night prior.
The acceptance he came to the night before was short lived. He absolutely was terrified of the circumstances he found himself in.
She was going to wake up soon. She had to wake up soon. And when she woke up she was going to lose her mind that Cal Kestis of all people was taking up precious space in her bed. Merrin took her sleep and her privacy very seriously, and Cal was currently invading both.
He lay in a perfectly stiff position. He didn’t dare move his arm, though he could feel it falling asleep under her weight.
His thoughts froze and his blood ran cold as he felt her shift in her sleep. He froze, not trying to be the reason she woke up. She raised her arm to his chest, hugging into him in her sleep. She was going to be the death of him.
Merrin fidgeted again, and Cal could tell she was waking up. Panic started to set in as she opened her eyes. He was preparing for an onslaught of verbal lashings once she properly came to, but to his surprise, and relief, no such lashings came.
“Morning, Jedi.” She said in a tired, raspy voice he found incredibly attractive, closing her eyes again as she rest her head back on his chest, likely still delirious from sleep.
“M–morning”, Cal barely muttered. There was no way in hell she was okay with this.
“How’d you sleep?” She asked, slurring her words. Cal was sure she was actively falling back asleep as she spoke. Very rarely did she contract her words. If it wasn’t for the half-step-from-mortal-terror he was currently experiencing, he would find it more than a little cute.
“Good, I think”, which was true. That night was the best sleep he’d gotten in a very long time. “How was your sleeping?” He cringed, cursing his verbiage, or lack thereof.
“S’all good. You are comfortable”
“Thanks.”
He could feel her falling back asleep, and himself falling back into the galaxy’s most oxymoronic prison. He cursed himself again, for having the thought. One could hardly call cuddling with a pretty girl a prison. Have some compassion, Kestis.
Merrin continued to shuffle around, trying to make herself comfortable. She propped herself up, barely opening her eyes, and moved Cal’s arm out of her way, leaving him nowhere to place it but around her, trapping him further. The soft curve of her waist and hips began to worm their way into a deep corner of his brain and never leave.
His thoughts were interrupted by a chime that indicated they were about an hour from exiting hyperspace. His ticket out .
“Merrin”, Cal tried to get her attention to no avail. Did she really fall back asleep that quickly?
“Merrin.” He began tapping her back while calling her name.
“Merrin. Mer. Nightsister. Of Dathomir.”
No response.
“Okay, you leave me no choice” She was going to kill him for this.
“Wake up!” He poked her in the side, and she shot straight up, clearly agitated.
“Why?” Was all she managed to say through exasperation. She genuinely was terrifying this early in the morning.
“You weren’t moving, and I needed you to..?” He didn’t mean to sound so curt, but there really was no other way to phrase it. She wasn’t moving, and he had to get up at some point, much to his dismay, and somehow relief.
Oxymoronic .
“There was no better way to do that?” She asked, pinching the bridge of her nose.
“None that I could think of. I’m sorry it was so abrupt.” He was.
She sighed. “You get a pass this time, Kestis. But only because you are comfortable.
This time?
“Right. I’ll… be more careful… next time.”
“Mhm” Was all Merrin got out before he left the room.
This time?
Was there going to be a next time ? Was she asking for there to be a next time? His mind raced with questions as it was still replaying events from the night prior, only now interlaced with events from this morning. He entered the engine room, thoughts occurring so quickly he could barely keep up. As he grabbed his outfit for the day, a black scrapping outfit and a red woven poncho with a yellow and grey stripe going down either side, his mind refused to quiet, bombarded by thoughts of yesterday and three days prior and the night before that and just about every instance of Merrin’s existence in his life occupied the space his mind desperately needed to think . Scrambling for does she like me and do I have a shot and don’t forget your training you fool and his hair was downright refusing to cooperate and—
“Breeep!”
Cal’s mind finally stopped, quieted by the droid who was expressing confusion as to why he never came to his room last night.
“Hey bud. Sorry, didn’t mean to abandon you there. I— uh, had a late night.” Cal tried to think of an excuse, but his brain was refusing to work properly. He was going to be useless on this mission if he didn’t figure out how to shut it up.
Cal looked to the corner of his room; his usual meditation spot. The Mantis hadn’t let out a secondary chime, so he had at least forty five minutes to meditate and clear his mind. He knelt down, closed his eyes, and let the sound of the engines take him to clarity…
Cal opened his eyes, turning to see Merrin speaking with a high ranking official in the cold, cave-like briefing room they, and several others were in. He was wearing all white (including a vest he’d like to have replaced with a poncho), likely to blend in with their icy surroundings, while Merrin donned a blue jacket, white collared shirt, and black pants. She looked good, not that her standard red and grey robes didn’t , it was just interesting to see her in something different.
“General, I gotta leave. I can’t stay anymore”. Her blase manner of speaking was different from her normal blase, and her accent was once again, missing. This tone was much quicker, much less interested, and almost more masculine.
“I’m sorry to hear that.” The general replied. Cal watched their conversation intently.
“Well, there’s a price on my head; if I don’t pay off Jabba the Hutt I’m a dead man.”
“A death mark’s not an easy thing to live with.” The general replied matter-of-factly, turning to look Merrin in the eyes. “You’re a good fighter, Merrin. I hate to lose you.”
“Thank you, General.”
Merrin turned to walk towards Cal, who looked away to not seem like he was eavesdropping. He not-so-reluctantly met her gaze.
“Well, your highness, I guess this is it.”
“That’s right,” was all he could reply, fighting the lump in his throat. He could barely maintain eye contact, feeling incredibly betrayed, but not trying to let on. Merrin looked hurt.
“Well don’t get all mushy on me. So long, princess,” She said quickly, as she left the room. The door closed behind her with a hiss. Cal followed quickly into a close quarters (and damn cold) corridor.
“Merrin!” He spat, furious that she’d walk out like that after everything they’d been through.
“Yes, your highnessness?” She spat back.
“I thought you had decided to stay?” He asked, genuinely.
“Well, the bounty hunter we ran into on Ord Mantell changed my mind.”
“Merrin, we need you.” Cal stated urgently.
“We need?” Her eyes widened with cocky disbelief.
“Yes.” Cal could still barely maintain eye contact, though she did seem taller than normal and that was also making things difficult.
“Well what about you need?” She pointed to him as she spoke.
“I need?” He questioned. She nodded, expecting an answer. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He lied.
Merrin smacked her teeth. “You probably don’t,” she said with a smirk as she closed her hand to a fist and walked away, indicating she wasn’t happy with that answer.
“And what precisely am I supposed to know?” He asked, earnest in tone and nothing else, as he followed her further into the corridor.
“Come on! You want me to stay because of the way you feel about me.” She maintained a few steps of distance between them, though Cal desperately tried to keep pace with her.
“Yes! He exclaimed. “You’re a great help to us; you’re a natural leader!”
“No!” She stopped, turning to Cal with her pointer finger in his face, telling him it was her turn to talk and his turn to be quiet. “That’s not it.”
There was a pause. Cal couldn’t tell if her statement was rhetorical or not.
“Come on,” she said, inciting a response. Someone walked between them. They were blocking the path, but they were both too irritated with each other to do anything about it. Cal looked offended as he finally let realization wash over his face for a split second, before returning to his irritated and half-cold expression.
“Aha, come on!” She said again, thinking she had him this time.
“You’re imagining things.” He was far better at maintaining his composure now than he had ever been with Merrin prior, but even the cold of the corridor they were in couldn’t excuse the redness that was forming in his cheeks, and she knew it.
“Am I? Then why are you following me? Afraid I was gonna leave without giving you a goodbye kiss?”
Cal’s stomach dropped at the accusation. “I’d just as soon kiss a wookie,” he lied again.
“I can arrange that,” Merrin said, walking away. “He could use a good kiss!”
Cal’s eyes fluttered open, utterly confused at the events he just witnessed. The technology seemed rudimentary, but slightly advanced at the same time. These moments, this one and the previous one on the ship with the conversation about love were too specific to be created solely by his subconscious; the locations too precise and unfamiliar for him to be dreaming. The only planet he’d been on remotely resembling his most recent dream was Ilum, and it looked nothing like the corridors he and Merrin were in.
Why was he having these dreams?
Cal wasn’t sure if the force was trying to send him a message, or if it genuinely was his subconscious, but these events were coming at far too coincidental of a time for it to be neither. He didn’t have much agency in either dream; both characters he was playing were merely using his body as a puppet, but he could feel their feelings. Both felt very strongly for the person opposite them, but Cal related far more to the latter; her need to keep her feelings hidden, her need to chase him away. Cal could relate very easily.
He got the sense she wasn’t the one in the right, though. Even if her partner was being a bit of a pompous ass about it.
The Mantis chimed again, indicating there were fifteen minutes until landing.
“Alright everyone, common area in five. We’re approaching the far side of Serenno,” Greez announced from the comm system.
Cal got up from his knees, allowing BD-1 to climb onto his shoulder. The droid beeped happily as he grabbed his lightsaber from the workbench and made his way to the common area. Cere and Greez were manning their stations, and Merrin was likely just now waking up and getting ready.
Cal went to the galley to grab a meiloorun for a makeshift breakfast. If Greez was focusing on anything other than landing right now, he would absolutely be chastised for it, which is why he was relishing the opportunity. They had ration bars, and he never did well with a full breakfast anyway.
Merrin came out much quicker than Cal expected. She was wearing a set of robes that ended in shorts, rather than her usual wrap-around and full pants ensemble. This part of Serenno was usually warm at this point in its cycle; he didn’t blame her. The voice in the back of his mind was screaming that she looked really good in those shorts, but Cal did his best to keep it as far away from his normal thoughts as possible. His mind was clouded enough as is. Entertaining that thought would only make things worse.
“Morning, Nightsister” he said, unintentionally referring to her greeting to him about an hour prior. He cringed internally, hoping she wouldn’t continue the bit, or ask to talk about their night, or morning, or anything in between.
Merrin only smirked in response, saying nothing as she playfully pushed through him to grab a fruit of her own.
Okay, cool.
“You know, for someone supposedly strong in the force, you are often in the way. Do you not have a, how you say, sixth sense for… ya ne znayu, not doing that?"
Cal feigned offense. “Excuse you, I was here first.”
“And yet you waste time selecting fruit when you and I both know you will select the same one you choose every morning.”
“It’s not every morning…”
“Prove it.”
Cal looked among the selection of what they had left. He had his preferences, as much as he would like to protest. Was it really his fault if meilooruns were that good?
“Fine. You pick my breakfast today. You get to have the meiloorun.”
Merrin laughed a bit as she opened the refrigerated hatch above the counter they stored the appliances on, grabbing some of the Dathomirian fruits she kept in there.
Cal stirred for a moment. He wasn’t the pickiest eater or anything like that, he just knew what he liked and preferred to keep things simple. He watched as she mashed the fruits together into a purple mixture, added some nuts from a bowl on the counter, and cut up some of the meiloorun to add on top. Cal gave her mental points for presentation.
“Here.” She handed him the bowl with a spoon.
“What is it?”
“Did you not just watch me make it? Try it.”
Cal grabbed one of the meiloorun pieces on the top before dipping it into the berry mixture and taking a bite.
He instantly regretted every morning lost to simply a meiloorun.
“Shit, Merrin, this is really good.”
“How many times must I remind you that I know what I am talking about?”
Cal gave her a look; something along the lines of ‘I’m very very sorry for the way I am. It will happen again.’ She smiled victoriously in return.
“Alright everyone, quick briefing session before you head out.” Cere removed her headset and made her way to the holotable as she spoke. “We really don’t know much about this mission beyond location and speculation, so we need to be extraordinarily careful. Cal and Merrin, you two are on the ground. If things get ugly, you need to have each other’s backs.” She gave Cal a look, though he couldn’t read her face quickly enough to understand it.
“We’re landing in the upper forest region of the planet, just north of Castle Serenno. Greez and I are staying with the ship, as usual. If anything goes wrong, you know to call us.”
“And don’t bring any stowaways!” Greez yelled from the cockpit. “No offense to Merrin. We love you, Merrin.” She looked offended, but it didn’t last long.
Cal placed his bowl in the dishwasher and prepared himself mentally for the mission, which was difficult, since he wasn’t sure what he was preparing himself for, but he trusted Mari, and Cere did too, so how bad could it possibly be?
The landing gear of the Mantis ejected as they slowly approached the planet floor. As gently as the ship could land, he really should have been sitting down for it. Cal grabbed the galley table for stability as the ship bounced slightly while stabilizing itself.
“See, this is why we do this near the holotable: so you can sit down ,” Greez remarked.
“We’ll get ‘em next time, Greezy Money,” Cal quipped back. Greez tossed his arms with a huff in response.
Cal and Merrin approached the door, which hissed open.
“I’m transmitting the coordinates to BD-1 now. The contact should be about a click or so north. Good luck.” They nodded to Cere, and stepped into the Serennian sun.
It took a moment for their eyes to adjust, but the forest was remarkable. Trees lined the clearing, with leaves colored mostly green with just the slightest hint of blue. The sky was incredibly blue, peppered with a few clouds here and there. This part of the mission was always his favorite. It had been a minute since he’d been able to sit with BD and learn about the planets they’ve visited, and while the mission took priority, he was excited to learn about the intricacies of the Serennian ecosystem. Or at least the ecosystem of the upper forest region.
Cal looked around the clearing, seeing nothing but trees blocking the horizon, though he noted some spires sticking up directly behind the Mantis. Probably Castle Serenno, he thought. He made a 180 and headed in the opposite direction of the castle. Merrin followed.
“So we do not know who we are meeting?” She inquired.
“No, but there’s a code phrase: By the light of Lothal’s moons.
“Specific as that may be, we are just putting our trust into a stranger? I am not entirely sure how I feel about this.”
“I know you didn’t meet them, but the partisans are working hard to exploit the weaknesses within the Empire. That’s a tough fight to fight, and a tougher fight to win. I wouldn’t have reached the end of my mission were it not for them. If it weren’t for the partisans helping me find Choyyssyk, I wouldn’t have gone back to Dathomir. I wouldn’t have been able to know you. ”
“I am sure you would have found another way into my life,” Merrin responded. “You have a knack for being in my way.” She shoved him playfully.
Cal snorted. ”Regardless, I owe a lot to them. Some blind trust is nothing.”
“Then I trust them as well.”
The rest of their walk was spent in comfortable silence, with BD-1 interrupting every so often to scan a new plant or animal. Cal was taking it all in. He really did love a good forest.
And the company really couldn’t be beat.
BD-1 beeped to indicate they were approaching their coordinates. The forest was beginning to become more dense. Both Cal and Merrin looked around for someone, anyone, but found nothing. After several beats of silence, they could hear rustling in the trees.
“How can one reach Garel,” rang from the treetops.
Cal looked around, still seeing no one. “Uh, by the light of Lothal’s moons.”
There was more shuffling in the trees. The one directly above them, then the one in front of that, then the one next to that, until the silhouette of a twi’lek emerged from the leaves of a tree slightly closer than the ones rustling.
The twi’lek jumped down from the tree they were in, landing directly in front of Cal, who was becoming increasingly desensitized to people appearing suddenly in front of him in forested areas.
“Uh, hi. I’m Cal and this is Merrin. We came at the request of—”
“Yes, I know who you are.” The green twi’lek had about as much regard for pleasantries as the recording sent by Mari. “Careful, you don’t know who’s listening.” They pointed to a sight tower just visible from over the treetops, and put a finger to their lips, telling them to shush. Cal and Merrin nodded in understanding, and followed the twi’lek further into the woods, eventually coming to a stop. The twi’lek looked around to ensure safety, and knelt down on the ground, opening a hatch, leading underground. They gestured to the ladder as they ushered Cal and Merrin in.
The climb down wasn’t too long, just a few steps before they found themselves in a medium sized bunker. There were beds lining two of the parallel walls, shelves with supplies lining the back wall, and a holotable in the center of the room, at which two Humans and a Chiss were seated. Cal could see between one of the bunked beds and the supply shelves, there was an archway leading into a cave.
The hatch closed with a hiss as the twi’lek made their way down the ladder and faced Cal and Merrin.
“Well, now that we’re secure, name’s Kendo. Kendo Stogan.
“Brando,” the human said, raising his hand. He had long black hair reaching his shoulders, dark skin, and a scar spanning diagonally across his face.
“Seraf’lin’kudo,” said the chiss, “Flink, if you will.” Even when seated, Cal could tell she was easily the tallest of the group. She had long black hair, piercing red eyes, and wore a tank top that showed off her muscular frame.
“Freepo,” finished the other human. He also had dark hair, but it was cut much shorter than Brando's. He reminded Cal of a youngling back at the temple.
“And you’re all partisans?” Cal asked.
“Freedom fighters,” Kendo corrected. “We’ve worked with the partisans in the past. They joined our fight for a bit, but couldn’t stay long. Said it was best to keep the cause in separate, smaller groups for now. The Empire can’t catch all of us, y’know?”
“Would unity not help that sentiment?” Merrin chimed in.
“No. If there’s one thing the Empire has, it’s numbers. And that’s one of the many things we don’t, ” Brando replied coldly.
Cal watched as Merrin considered his words. He could tell she didn’t entirely appreciate them..
“So, I hear you have a mission for us,” Cal interjected, not wanting to have to separate an infight.
“Yes,” Freepo said. “We have an astromech: MR-305. We sent him on a scouting mission a few rotations back and he hasn’t reported in yet.”
“So we have come all the way out here for your droid?” Merrin asked, and while Cal knew not to take offense to her tone by now, the others took it more personally.
“Yes. Our droid, which contains information regarding partisan and freedom fighting activity. Potentially in the hands of the Empire.” Flink stood, towering over both Cal and Merrin. “We can’t let the Empire know our numbers just yet. I know we said we are few, but we are growing. And that’s not something I’m willing to lose. They know us. We don’t exactly blend in . But when Mari told us about you,” she turned to Cal, “and how you infiltrated and disrupted imperial bases on Kashyyyk and Zeffo, we knew we needed someone like that. We’ll pay.”
“That won’t be necessary,” Cal said. “We’re going to help because it’s the right thing to do. ” He looked to Merrin, who carried a look of reluctant understanding.
The tension in the room dissipated as relief washed over the freedom fighters.
Notes:
Ya ne znayu— (Again, incredibly rough translation. I am using google translate) Russian for ‘I don’t know’
Not that literally anyone asked, but I got the oc names from this video my friends made like a year ago and if u ever need an OC name that sounds a lil stupid this is your new source xoxo
Chapter 6
Notes:
I am SO sorry this took so long. Shit has absolutely hit the fan in my life and writers block is a BITCH and sometimes everything is exhausting. Thank you all for your patience, I love u so much :* xoxoxoxox~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I made a playlist that makes me think of Merrin and Cal. I put it on YouTube bc Spotify doesn't have the song I initially named the fic after and Apple Music contains my full government name and I am not doxxing myself on this website thank u very much. It's mostly Danger Days by My Chemical Romance click ahead if u have TASTE.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
“I am still not sure I understand.” A collective groan came from the group. Merrin had asked the team to repeat the plan a few times now. Flink was starting to get antsy.
“We distract the guards, you two infiltrate from a more secure location.”
“Surely there will be more than–”
“More than four guards, yes. That’s unfortunately something you’ll have to figure out inside. We’re doing the best we can here.” Freepo pinched the bridge of his nose.
Cal noted after initially speaking with the group that they all seemed fairly young. Maybe not younger than him or Merrin, but definitely not much older. Cal had the benefit of years of training and a strong desire to wing it most of the time. For all he and Merrin knew, these guys were regular civilians before joining the cause.
“It’s alright. We’re at our best when we wing it,” Cal stated, in a desperate attempt to end the conversation. As restless as Flink may have been getting, the repetition was driving him insane .
“ You are at your best when you wing it, ” Merrin said, making an effort to imitate his blase tone. “ I, on the other hand, am new to this, and would like to know what I am getting into.”
“From what we do know, the castle is heavily fortified. Has been since before the separatist cause started. Security has only gotten tighter, but that’s more in a quantity sense,” Kendo said.
“Damn bucketheads really are something else,” Flink laughed.
“They’re easily distracted. Some of them try to rise above their station, most of them don’t bother. Pay attention to who does what when you get in, and use it to your advantage,” Freepo said.
Brando turned on the holotable. A map of the castle exterior flashed above, with x’s dotting the outside. BD-1 jumped from Cal’s shoulder to stand on the table and looked at Brando.
“The area with the heaviest security is the entrance to the castle. “Avoid that,” Brando said. Cal and Merrin shared a look, something along the lines of “is this guy serious” and “yeah, no shit”.
“The only way to enter with minimal detection is through the back entrance, though that involves climbing the cliffside the castle sits on, and even then there are troopers monitoring the towers.” Kendo gestured to the two red marks on the towers on both ends of the cliff.
“This will not be a problem,” Merrin stated matter-of-factly.
“And why is that?” Flink asked.
“Because,” Merrin stated before flashing out of view. Flink and the others looked around the room, trying to see if they could find her. Cal smiled. He knew better than to try, and he liked being in on the joke.
Merrin reappeared with a sheathed dagger to Flink’s throat. “I am very good at stealth,” she whispered into Flink’s ear matter-of-factly. Cal could see Flink blush a little and something in him stirred in response.
“I guess we’re climbing then.” Cal cleared his throat and looked at Merrin, who smirked.
“Right then, if everyone’s caught up, let’s get going.” Kendo stood, letting BD-1 download the map before turning it off. “You two go south towards the cliffside. We’re going southwest to the entrance of the council. On our signal, you ,” they pointed at Merrin, “take out the guards. And you ,” they pointed at Cal, “start climbing. Understood?”
“Understood,” they replied in unison.
They all left through the hatch with Cal and Merrin heading south, and the freedom fighters southwest. The light of the Serennese moons poked through individual cracks in the forest the leaves couldn’t cover.
“You are not expecting me to climb this one with you, are you?”
“No, I can meet you at the top this time. I’m not sure I’d want to surprise you with whatever may be hiding in there.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Usually when I find some ancient location the Empire’s taken hold of, there’s something terrible inside. Sometimes it’s just the Empire. Sometimes it’s worse. It’s usually just the Empire though.”
“I appreciate you not trying to surprise me with the Empire.” Merrin gave a small smile.
Cal smiled back. It wasn’t the stormtroopers he was concerned about. He had no problems taking them down, and Merrin could certainly fend for herself. The worst part of finding anything Imperial that predated the Empire, like Kashyyyk or Zeffo, was the cultural echo left behind. Each place Cal visited prospered on their own, and the Empire came in for their resources and snuffed their light.
Cal of course, understood where they were going. Castle Serenno, home of the former Separatist leader Count Dooku, could hardly have been considered a beacon of hope at any point in the Galaxy’s history, and it certainly wasn't filling him with it now. He was far from excited to find echoes and remnants of the man he grew up detesting. Jedi were not meant to hate, and from what Cal could tell, the negative feelings the older Jedi harbored towards Dooku were reluctant, but younglings like him saw things in black and white. Many of them had delusions of grandeur; being the Jedi that destroyed the Sith was always appealing, but knew at a point they needed to reel themselves in.
The Jedi were complicated like that. And Cal still wasn’t thrilled to be entering the home of a man with that much baggage.
The density of the forest started to lessen, meaning they were getting close. Cal could sense something, a slight pull, in the direction they were headed.
As he and Merrin approached the cliff, Cal could practically feel the darkness of the castle pulling him further. He looked to Merrin, who also seemed uneasy, which Cal thought was strange. Merrin usually didn’t shy away from the darkness, in fact he was certain that’s where she got her power, so to see her struggle regarding the pull made him wonder what the hell they were getting themselves into.
Castle Serenno stood tall atop the cliff they stood at the base of. Trees lined the area, giving the duo coverage from the scouts on the towers.
“I guess we just wait for Kendo’s signal now.” Cal shrugged.
“Something about this, it does not feel right.”
“What do you mean?”
“There is something in me, my gut, telling me this is a place where bad things happen. I have a bad feeling.”
“I think… that might be the force.” Cal said. Merrin looked at him with an expression he’d never seen on her before. It was incredibly out of character for her to be this anxious about anything , let alone a castle on a planet with seemingly nothing to do with either of them. He didn’t like it.
“Why does it feel like this?”
“It doesn’t, not usually at least. But those of us who use the force have a strong sense of ‘ something is wrong and I need to be alert right now ’. It’s a blessing and a curse.”
Merrin’s pained expression continued.
“We don’t have to go,” Cal took her hand. “We can tell them they’re on their own if we need to.”
Merrin shook her head as she squeezed his hand and took a deep breath. “No. We need to complete this mission. If there is something in there that I will not like, it will not be the first and it will not be the last. If I am going to continue joining you on these missions, I have to be able to overcome that.” She laced her fingers with his.
Cal could feel himself turning red. He really did mean to take her hand as a comfort, and not to sate his own stupid crush, but she took it a step further, and she didn’t seem irritated with him about it.
And she wanted to continue going on missions with him.
And there was this morning.
And the night before.
And a few days before that.
And the night before that.
And it was at that moment, under the cliff that held up the northern wing of Castle Serenno that Cal decided to finally do something about this stupid crush. Whether that meant telling her how he felt, forcing himself into an uncomfortable conversation, possibly even kissing her outright, if the moment felt right.
Less so that last one. Stars forbid she didn’t feel the same way, forcing himself onto her like that would be a serious problem in more ways than one.
But he was going to do something , he decided. Not then and there, of course. After the mission. When things were normal, and he could talk to her when she wasn’t uncharacteristically terrified. That, he decided, would also be a dick move.
It wasn’t about him right now. They had a mission, and she had anxieties, and he didn’t want to make it about him. Neither the time, nor the place.
There was a sudden loud bang coming from the entrance to the castle, followed by blaster shots and comm chatter.
“I guess that’s our signal,” Cal said, with a vague laugh from the shock. With a flash, Merrin was gone. He couldn’t see her but he could hear the clack of plastoid against permacrete twice, once from the left and once from the right, before she reappeared in front of him.
“That really does come in handy. Maybe I will let you join me on more missions,” Cal said facetiously. There was never a question about whether he would let her join. She was always allowed, and even if he protested, he would be powerless to stop her.
They both knew this. And he loved it.
“I will meet you at the top,” she said, and again, flashed away.
Cal began to climb, using the claws he’d gotten on Dathomir. His thoughts were always on Merrin, but at this point his mind had reached a clarity he’d not thought possible. He couldn’t wait for this mission to be over.
His climb to the platform at the top was quick; he’d gotten used to long climbs at this point. He found Merrin ducked under a window, listening in.
“It does not sound like anyone is there,” She whispered.
“That’s probably a good sign, but we can’t let our guard down. We need to get in, get the droid, and get out as quickly as possible.” As much as Cal wanted this mission to go quickly for his own benefit, he also really didn’t want to deal with troopers, storm or otherwise.
Cal concentrated on the window, searching for a lock through the force. When he found it, it unlocked with a satisfying click .
He pushed the window open and crawled inside. The room was vast, with tables and chairs set up throughout, save for the center. The hardwood floors, though dusty and dated, were a beautiful dark red, and on the ceiling there was an intricate and ornate chandelier. The light of the moons danced its way through each individual crystal, and there were easily thousands of them attached to the centerpiece. Cal almost felt a longing for a life he never could’ve had; the life of some thoughtless aristocrat that got to enjoy the unnatural beauty of such a chandelier. Instead, he felt vague disgust. His stomach felt heavy, seeing this one room larger than the ship he calls home, knowing its purpose is only to hold other people with equally large houses and their oh so important conversations.
He could sense Merrin’s discomfort with the room as well.
He approached the exit for the room, scouting the hallway outside. It was also clear.
“This castle is huge. How is it this empty?”
“Important people off doing their important things. Do you want them here? I can arrange that.” Merrin made no effort to hide the exasperation in her voice. Cal didn’t take it personally.
They walked into the hallway, guard up, but still found no one to oppose their presence. Cal wanted to feel relieved, but this somehow made him feel worse, as if he was entering a haunted house.
Maybe that’s what this is.
Cal couldn’t shake the thought. The troopers outside very well could have just been guarding for the sake of keeping out undesirables. Cal wasn’t sure if the Empire even let Serenno have a Count anymore. Even still, surely the Governor would live here, in this giant, empty castle.
The notion that the castle was haunted was utterly ridiculous. Though stranger things had happened in his travels.
Convincing himself as a child that witches weren’t real turned out to be pointless anyway, who’s to say ghosts weren’t real either?
His thoughts were interrupted by a hand taking his, lacing her fingers through.
The fabled witch herself.
He liked this new thing they were doing. Even if the circumstances were vaguely terrifying.
BD-1 projected the map of the castle. Cal had him pan around to get a view of the castle layout. Among the many rooms and hallways, there was a Great Hall several floors up. Cal felt Merrin tense through the force.
“What are you thinking?” He asked, turning to look at her.
“Something important is in that room,” she said plainly, not moving her gaze from the map.
“Do you think that’s where their droid could be?"
“Possibly. That answer does not feel right, but these feelings are new for me, so I do not know what to expect. But something is pulling me in that direction.”
“Then that’s where we’ll go. Beats checking each individual room and finding a garrison. Or worse.” Cal wasn’t sure what exactly he meant by worse , and he certainly didn’t want to figure out.
They walked quietly up several flights of stairs. Cal wasn’t sure why Merrin wasn’t teleporting like she normally did. It wasn’t like her to be phased by anything, let alone the Empire, so he worried about what the force was trying to tell her. He truly had no idea what it could be, and didn’t have it in him to tell her whether it was a bad idea.
Truth be told, he wasn’t sure either. He’d sensed a disturbance in the force since approaching the castle, but he figured that had more to do with Dooku and the sith against his own alignment with the Light. Merrin strayed towards the dark, as was necessary for her magick, so he wondered what could possibly be throwing her off her rhythm this badly.
As they approached the door to the Great Hall, Merrin let go of Cal’s hand. He admittedly missed the contact, but like many things with Merrin, he knew not to take it to heart. With the amount of tension he could feel emanating from her in the force, he knew he needed to let her do her own thing.
“Do you need a moment?”
“No. I do not know what is causing this feeling, but if I do not take this opportunity now, I never will,” she said, but made no effort to move forward. Cal didn’t want to barge ahead of her. Though his guard was still up, the Empire was clearly unaware of their presence (thank you Freepo), and it seemed like Merrin really needed this, whatever this may have been.
Finally, she moved her hand to open the door. A dark, ominous hallway lay in front of them; practically a warning in and of itself. The room on the other side was huge, steps surrounding the central lower level, as if forcing whoever may have met with the Counts of old to cower under their superiors, with further steps leading up to a desk—the Count’s desk—which sat in front of a large, green window. The design was ornate, like the chandelier, consisting of a large central circle with ornate interior framework making a smaller circle inside, two triangles at the base, also with similar framework, and two smaller circles on either side of the central circle. Cal noted the craftsmanship, though he didn’t find himself fawning over it. It was beautiful work, but he didn’t need the force to sense it was crafted through less than ethical means.
Merrin walked cautiously through the room. She looked throughout, taking in every detail. Cal followed suit, looking around for buttons to secret rooms or anything with an echo.
Walking through the center of the room filled him with a vague distaste, a feeling that only became stronger the further he walked into it. Something pulled him towards the desk, something dark, but certain. It continued to pull, until he found himself in front of the desk. He knelt down to touch the ground beneath him.
Cal opened his eyes and Merrin was nowhere to be found. He looked around to find several Magna guards and B1 battle droids surrounding the perimeter of the room. Though he’d only been in the room for a few minutes, he felt much taller, even at the top of the steps.
Metallic clanking could be heard from the hallway. Each clank making its way closer and closer to him, until he saw the unmistakable face, and heard the unmistakable cough, of the notorious General Grievous.
“You summoned me, my Lord?” Grievous asked. Cal could feel the same fear his thirteen-year-old self felt when Grievous came to mind. Though Cal never encountered him in his padawan days, he absolutely lived up to his name.
Cal spoke, and his voice was once again, not his. “The time has come at last, to take revenge on Asajj Ventress and the witch, Mother Talzin. I have learned Ventress has returned to Dathomir. Go there, and wipe the witches out.” He spoke with a clear finality, one that struck fear into Cal’s heart. “All of them. Their illusions do not frighten me.”
Cal suddenly knew why Merrin felt so disquieted. This was the destruction of her people. No, it was not a Jedi that wiped her people out. It was Grievous.
Cal opened his eyes again, tears he had no control over making their way down his face. He couldn’t move, he couldn’t speak, he had no way to grasp the situation at hand. He had no idea how long he was in that echo, no concept of what happened outside, all he knew now was the intimate details of the destruction of his best friend’s people, her family, her home.
Merrin called to Cal, but he couldn’t answer. He tried, he really did, but nothing came out. He turned to her and she grabbed his hands, practically screaming at him to snap out of it. It was at that moment he let her in.
And the room went up in flames.
Notes:
I sit on my bed holding my Freddy Fazbear pillow pet looking at Cal’s UGLY fucking pants from the first game (they are a ribbed jeans and cargo pants combination I am going to be sick) and desperately trying to figure out how to describe a chandelier without using the one from the phantom of the opera on a Friday night yeah I guess you could say I’m a coolguy.
I’m gonna be so real with u guys the only reason I chose this planet was because I’m obsessed with Count Dooku’s monogrammed pajamas that he wears when fighting Ventress and the Nightsisters in that one clone wars episode (and also battlefront ii), but I will literally never half ass anything in my life so I scoured wookiepedia for hours and rewatched several clone wars episodes to find information on his home planet you’re WELCOME.
Chapter 7
Notes:
This one is rough y'all it hurt to write I had to take several breaks (I started writing this chapter in February for reference).
Content/Trigger warnings for this chapter:
Depictions of war, trauma, and death.
Canon character death
Canon typical violence but described in far greater detail than the clone wars episode this chapter is based on.
May be missing specific triggers and heavy content but I feel like you can kinda catch the vibes here. If there's something I missed that you feel should be mentioned, PLEASE leave a comment and I'll add it in.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Cal wasn’t responding.
Merrin watched him approach the center of the room—a room she felt an overwhelming urge to leave . He knelt down, and touched one of the stairs. She watched as his eyes rolled back into his head and closed for several moments.
Psychometry.
She knew of the ability. She’d seen him use it before, but it never looked like this.
He looked terrified.
“Cal,” she called to him.
No response.
“Cal Kestis.”
Still nothing. She was starting to worry.
“Cal, please,” she nearly begged. This day was full of nerves and anxieties she hadn’t experienced since she lost her sisters. She was not prepared to lose the one person who made her feel real, who didn’t need her presence to fulfill some stupid destiny, or hold her up on a pedestal as their caretaker, clan mother, or any other position in which she could be anything other than Merrin. This was her best friend, and perhaps something more, if and when the time came, and she was not going to lose him.
“Cal please,” she couldn’t control her voice anymore. She smacked his face, his arm, shook him as hard as she could, but he was not coming out of whatever echo he found himself in. She didn’t want to hurt him, but she was beginning to run out of options.
She weighed her options, concluding that the return of her friend in sound mind was far more important than any physical injury she could cure within moments anyway. She produced a flame, aimed toward his arm, and—
Cal’s eyes opened suddenly, a few tears falling down his face, which held an expression that Merrin couldn’t quite catch the details of, but knew ultimately he’d witnessed something horrible.
“Cal, what is it?” The expression on his face, coupled with the fact he hadn’t gotten up to explain the echo like he usually did, scared her more than any other feeling she’d gotten from the castle. She knelt down to him.
“Cal, whatever it is that you saw, it cannot hurt you here. It was the past. I need you to talk to me. I need to know that you are okay.”
He grabbed her hands, and she saw.
— — — —
Merrin’s eyes opened to see the turquoise hue of the nightsister village. A new sister, or at least, new to her, had entered the village with Mother Talzin. She hadn’t seen her yet, but it was all anyone was talking about.
“What do you think she’s like?”
Merrin turned to look at Ilyana. They were by the water, collecting it by the bucket for the baptism feast. “What do you mean?”
“This new sister. Do you think she’s going to be weird?”
“I do not know. I heard she came from another planet.”
“That is what I mean. What do you think that turned her into?”
“I still do not know what you mean.”
Ilyana snorted. “I mean she has not been on Dathomir for some time. I heard she was taken by some postoronniy and learned a different form of magick. She does not know our customs, she does not know how we do things, and yet she is still one of us. What do you make of that?”
Merrin sat with the thought. “I do not know.”
When she did finally see the new sister, Asajj Ventress, she still wasn’t sure what to make of her. She seemed very cold, but something about her was warm, as if she was thawing out after years of being frozen.
She had heard tales of the sisters who lost their fire. Some burned too hot, too bright, too quickly, and would lose track of who, or what, they were. The fire within was something nightsisters needed to learn how to manage, to keep in check, and those who didn’t, well, Merrin imagined they ended up something like Asajj.
What exactly “the fire” was varied from sister to sister. Merrin never gave much thought as to what sparked hers. She enjoyed potions; the way ingredients came together, how many harmful things could join into a bowl and, with the right guidance, create a mixture that heals instead. She enjoyed playing her erhu, though really she just liked how playing it affected Ilyana.
Merrin was young, but she was not naive. At least no more than anyone else her age. She knew this stage in her life was far too early to have found someone with this kind of effect on her. It was not uncommon for two nightsisters to find companionship with one another, but Merrin saw this in older sisters. She wasn’t sure how well things would get on between them if they just… went for it, so to speak, so they didn’t. They both knew how the other felt, and decided if they felt the same way in a few years, they would give it a shot.
The older sisters that were present for Asajj’s baptism, including Mother Talzin and Asajj herself, had retreated outside after the feast to continue celebrating, while the rest of the coven remained inside. They hadn’t exactly been quiet. The music from their celebration was loud enough to be heard within the village, but not so loud to startle anyone currently sleeping.
Which made it all the more confusing when loud, rapid noises began to ring from the entrance to the cave.
Everyone was confused. The noises sounded alien, like nothing any of them had heard before. Older sisters comforted younger sisters, assuring them everything was alright.
But Merrin was not naive. Something was wrong.
The noises grew louder as the commotion crept slowly but surely, ever closer; a consistent, timed clanking noise that reverberated through the village.
One of the older sisters reached for her bow, slowly and quietly drawing it back. Several of the others followed suit. The sisters who, moments ago, assured the children everything was alright were suddenly stricken with faces that claimed the opposite.
Merrin and Ilyana remained by the water. Ilyana reached for Merrin’s hand and Merrin wasn’t sure if the idea that Ilyana was also on edge was comforting or terrifying.
The sound continued closer. A rhythmic clanging, not perfectly in time with itself, but as close as it could possibly get.
Clang
Clang
Clang
CLANG
CLANG
CLANG
Suddenly there came more noises. High pitched, instantaneous noises erupted from the entrance to the village. Red charges made their way through anything and everything in their path as men made of metal, some larger than others, forced their way in, shooting their charges wildly, carelessly, attacking her sisters. At the front of the battalion stood a tall, hunched, skeleton-like warrior holding four bright blue and green melee weapons. Unfamiliar noises were echoing and reverberating throughout the entire village as she began to watch these metal men walk so nonchalantly into her home.
The sisters who drew their bows began to fire. They held their own, but were no match for the shots fired from the other side. Any older sister began to fight as they urged the younger sisters to take shelter, to run, to find help or a way out.
Ilyana looked at Merrin, who was paralyzed watching the horror of it all. She was frozen, horrified by the speed at which they carried out their slaughter, mowing down rows and rows of her sisters like they were nothing.
Ilyana pulled Merrin behind her as she ran, forcing her to run with her. Merrin’s eyes were still glued to the carnage. They ran past the individual homes, past other sisters, past the streams and rock formations they’d sat at many times before.
This wasn’t happening, Merrin thought. There was no way.
They’d sat at those rocks half their lives. They had a special formation just for them. For the past several years, they would meet after their classes and talk and write and draw and Merrin would play her instrument and Ilyana would dance.
She kissed her there once, just once when they were girls, no more than eight years old. It was innocent enough; they’d seen some of the older sisters doing it as an expression of love. Even then, they knew there was something between them, and they tried it out.
They were eight years old though, and it didn’t make sense to them at the time. They were thirteen now. Things still didn’t make sense, but they could. There was potential for things to start making sense.
At least until now. Now, Merrin feared nothing would ever make sense again.
“Wait,” Ilyana stopped, looking panicked.
“What is it?”
“I need to find something. I will meet you in the strangled cliffs. You will go without me.” Ilyana looked terrified. Merrin was sure she fared no better.
“I will not.”
“Merrin, you will. I promise you I will meet you there. But you need to go now.”
“I am not leaving you here.” The thickness of her voice wavered in such a way she only thought possible because it was getting deeper with time. This level of fear was unprecedented. She’d only felt fear in a sense that seemed so trivial now.
Ilyana looked between Merrin and her home with a pained expression. She sighed, and smiled softly. “There is never any convincing you, is there?” Merrin shook her head. Ilyana nodded, knowing it wasn’t worth it to fight her. “If you must, wait somewhere safe. I will be back before you know I am gone.”
Ilyana ran into her small home within the cave. Merrin wasn’t sure what could possibly be so important, but she knew that much like herself, once Ilyana’s mind was made up there was no changing it.
She waited for what felt like an eternity, trying desperately not to hear the sounds of her sisters fighting and dying. The men came ever closer, and Merrin bounced nervously as she waited for Ilyana to emerge from her home.
Just as Merrin was about to run in after her, Ilyana emerged with the golden necklace her mother gave her. Merrin had seen it before. It wasn’t something Ilyana wore often, only on special occasions, but Merrin knew this necklace was the only object Ilyana would risk herself for. It consisted of a series of gold triangles alternating in size with three diamond shaped plates in the center, the centermost diamond holding another triangle on its top. Attached to a thin, unassuming chain, the necklace gave the impression that the shapes stuck only to themselves and the wearer, appearing to be held on by nothing. It was a beautiful necklace, and Merrin loved the way it sat when Ilyana wore it.
Ilyana said nothing, she simply grabbed Merrin’s hand and they ran again.
The shortcut to the cliffs was close. The light from the cave exit was barely visible. Merrin wasn’t sure when she started crying, but she could sense the shift in the nature of her tears from fear to hope. Perhaps they’d make it out together. Things would start to make sense again. The sisters would prevail.
Her hope was crushed as a charge came from directly in front of them, hitting Ilyana square in the chest.
Something deep within Merrin’s core clawed its way out. Something she’d never known to be. Something she’d never expected to come from her.
Kicking.
Screaming.
Between the two of them, Merrin was often regarded as the even-tempered one. Ilyana was impulsive, brash, and oftentimes imposing, while Merrin kept to herself most of the time. Ilyana was more likely to lash out, to rage, but in this moment Merrin let the impulses consume her; she nearly blacked out from the blinding rage she’d entered.
The droid that stood in front of them no longer stood. It was no more. Metal alloy melted to the rock below, a white–tan blurb of what once was.
Ilyana coughed, bringing Merrin out of her frenzy. The droid had been incinerated. Ilyana remained on the ground. Merrin fell to her knees, cradling Ilyana’s head in her lap.
“Merrin, you need to go,” she managed, coughing as she spoke. Her hands trembled as Merrin held them.
“I will not leave you. Surely there is a way to fix this? A salve, perhaps… Mother Talzin could—”
“No, Merrin. I do not know what has become of the clan, but you need to GO. There is no time, and I do not want to spend my final moments arguing you on this.”
Tears fell from Merrin’s face onto Ilyana. This couldn’t be the end. This couldn’t be the end. Things were starting to make sense again, they were going to make it out. They were going to do it together, to be together. Even if every other one of their sisters perished, they would have each other. That was how it was. That was how it was always meant to be.
Ilyana reached a shaky hand into her pocket, pulling out the necklace she’d risked everything for.
“Merrin, moya lyubov', you will make it out. Even if I am not with you physically, know that I am here, with you. I believe you will survive, I believe you will thrive.”
“I will go, and I will carry you with me, but I will remain until you are gone, moya lyubov'. Do not try to convince me otherwise,” Merrin said, and Ilyana smiled.
“There never was any convincing you, was there?” Ilyana laughed, though pain quickly took over.
Merrin sat with Ilyana until the end. She’d promised to go, but couldn’t find the strength. She sat and held Ilyana until she succumbed to her wounds, and even still, held her for even longer after.
Ilyana lay, head in Merrin’s lap, at more peace than Merrin had ever seen her. Her silver hair, with soft waves from the braided styles she slept in leaving an ocean of silver in her lap, her delicate but firm features, the freckles that lined her nose, all at rest for one final time.
Merrin sat there for hours. Ilyana had long since gone cold, but there was nothing Merrin could do. She was frozen; every time she’d managed the courage to stand, she’d begin to move Ilyana’s head and find a new feature to focus on.
She wasn’t sure when she did move. But eventually, against all odds, she stood, and she walked to the strangled cliffs. And she waited. She saw the army leave after a while, hours, or maybe days had passed since they’d shown up. She hadn’t moved from that spot on the cliff. Moving would mean going back. Going back would mean seeing. Seeing would mean it was real.
Some corner of her mind was convinced it didn’t happen. That it was all a hallucination, and that her sisters, her Ilyana, were okay.
But Merrin was not naive. She knew this was not the case.
Days had passed, and she forced herself to go back. To see. To admit it was real. She began the burial process for each of her sisters, and spared no steps. They were all taken too soon, they all deserved the utmost care in their burials.
The burial process was tedious, even with a team of sisters, even with only one body. She needed cloth, herbs, and oils. Not a problem for one sister, but for all of them, she needed to ration.
Merrin worked tirelessly day and night, finding cloth, cleansing it in magickal water, braiding it while citing protection spells, cleansing the bodies with fragrant oils, and wrapping them with the cloth and herbs before binding their pod shut with rancor hide and hanging them from anything that could hang.
Merrin regarded each and every sister, and did her best to say goodbye to each and every one of them personally. The ones she knew were easy. She’d speak of a memory with them and bid farewell by name. She did not know all of them, though. Some in her village did not often cross paths with her, and for them she silently held their hands, mourning the loss of a potential friend, bonding them to herself through nothing more than their kinship.
Each and every sister got their own funeral. It took several sleepless nights and days. And only one remained.
Merrin recounted each memory that lived in her mind. Every laugh, every cry, every fight, every reunion.
She held Ilyana’s embalmed hand as she recounted the one time she’d garnered the courage to kiss her.
She apologized to Ilyana as she kissed her hand, folding it up before closing her pod and hoisting her far above the ground.
Weeks had passed. Merrin left the village and moved to the strangled cliffs permanently. She threw her erhu off the side of the cliffs. She didn’t hear it hit the ground; she was too busy screaming.
Months had passed. A stranger crashed into the swamp of sacrifice.
Years had passed, and…
Merrin opened her eyes. She was back in the castle. Her sisters were again, a faded memory. She moved her hand to her necklace.
Go there, and wipe the witches out.
Know that I am here, with you.
There is no time for regret. Now, we must fight.
Words spun like a cyclone in her mind. She wasn’t entirely sure how she’d gotten the other side of the story, but now she knew the full truth: her sisters died for some man, the man who called this place home, to come out on top.
Merrin ignited, her flame all encompassing. The tacky statues, the desk in the center, all of it was to be as tangible as her home.
Cal stood before her. Merrin couldn’t read the expression on his face. She said nothing, just took his hand and flashed.
They were on the catwalk overlooking the office. The flame was quickly growing, catching onto the webs and dust that had collected after so long.
“Merrin, that was…”
“I know.”
Cal turned to her, his expression read easier now, his face moving slightly in contradiction, flashing images of confusion and somber understanding, but more often relief. She wasn’t actually sure how he was going to finish his sentence, but any conclusion he would have come to was one she’d already arrived at years prior. This wasn’t the time.
Cal turned from the flames, she watched him as he found an entryway to another room. He entered, she followed.
This room was large and circular, with a round bed facing the door.
Next to the bed sat the astromech they’d been searching for.
“Breep.”
Merrin had yet to pick up on binary, but from what she gathered, it was all in the tone. This droid was on guard, from what she could tell.
Cal began to step forward, but BD-1 spoke on his behalf in a series of beeps Merrin couldn’t even hope to understand. The astromech beeped back, which caused BD-1 to do the little dance he did when he was happy. Merrin assumed this meant the astromech would follow, and follow it did.
“I guess now we just find our way out,” Cal said. BD-1 projected the castle map again, showing potential exit routes.
Merrin watched as Cal pointed at different places on the map, but her mind was somewhere else. She made peace with her sisters’ deaths, or at least had done the best she could. She wasn’t one to stray from the idea of vengeance, but she gathered the men involved in their murder, both the warrior she saw firsthand and the orchestrator she saw from Cal’s vision, were long gone.
“What do you think, Mer?” Cal asked, still assessing the map. Merrin hadn’t been paying attention, she’d only picked up phrases like “exit”, “here”, “plan B”.
“Yes, I think that will work.”
“O…kay. We’ll try the way we came, and if that doesn’t work for whatever reason, we’ll try the vents,” Cal said. Merrin could tell he knew she wasn’t paying attention. She appreciated him not calling her out.
The flames were beginning to make their way into the bedroom. Merrin hadn’t considered the rate at which the flame would spread and truth be told, she didn’t really care. This was her final blow. The orchestrator—Dooku, Cal had called him, may have already died, but his legacy, though abandoned, could still be destroyed.
Cal was capable. She wasn’t worried about him. She was far less concerned about herself. The astromech could figure out how to keep up.
Count Dooku was dead. And his legacy was soon to follow.
Notes:
I STARTED WRITING THIS CHAPTER MONTHS BEFORE TALES OF THE EMPIRE WAS ANNOUNCED I WANT TO MAKE THAT CLEAR
Idk WHAT spirit of my past possessed me while I was writing this but I guess we ended up with tragic lesbians out of it. Diversity win???
Taking a bit of inspiration from Battle Scars here (Battle Scars positivity in MY merrical fic???? controversial I KNOW)
I do think Sam was cooking a bit when talking about Merrin and her fire and I like the parallels to specifically the scene in survivor where she tells Cal to look into the fire ok SUE MEAlso Merrin having sex with someone else in Cal’s bed was absolutely fucked up but ALSO objectively hilarious ok bye ilysm
Postoronniy— Outsider
moya lyubov'— My Love
Chapter 8
Notes:
HOLY shit guys like my whole life was uprooted and changed I moved and I switched jobs so now I can say FUCK YOU MICHELLE I WROTE HALF THIS FIC ON THE CLOCK FUCK YOU without getting fired or experiencing literally any consequences whatsoever. If your boss sucks you should write about your two favorite characters slow burning their way through life it will drastically improve being taken advantage of for peanuts.
Bottom line I am SO sorry this took so long but I am working on the final chapter NOW and I live with my beta reader now so I can literally just bother them to read this in person if I need to so it should honestly be done before October I hope to god.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Cal was trying his best to keep calm. He didn’t usually let the stress of a mission get to him, not since he was a padawan at least, but the sequence of events he’d witnessed; Dooku’s call to destroy the Nightsisters, and Merrin’s entire lived experience of the destruction of her people, as well as her apparent lack of desire to acknowledge what they both saw, was throwing him off his game.
He and Merrin were working their way quickly to the ballroom they’d entered through when alarms began to sound, alerting the troopers outside of their presence in the building and blowing their cover entirely.
The fire had already made its way through both rooms, barreling out into the hall behind them. Smoke alarms throughout the building chirped loud and shrill. The tone of it caught Cal off guard each time.
“Alright, looks like we’re headed to plan B then,” Cal said, trying his absolute best to remain calm and collected.
“The vents? That may not be the best idea, Cal. Smoke rises and they are made of metal. It will suffocate us.” Merrin looked around for a possible plan C .
Troopers began to enter the castle. The sound of plastoid armor clattering against itself made their presence through the castle more than known. Cal turned to Merrin, who looked ready for a fight. He couldn’t say he blamed her.
“Are we doing this?” He asked.
“I have rage, Cal Kestis. We are doing this.” She smiled, and with a flash, she disappeared.
Cal smiled back. He was worried Merrin may have been using the situation at hand to deflect from a more difficult conversation, though he supposed he lived in a glass house as well and should probably not be throwing stones.
As he began to make his way down the nearest flight of stairs, plastoid clattered through the stairwell, and he was quickly met with several blasters in his face.
“Halt. You are trespassing on Imperial property. State your intention.” The commander speaking to him held a staff, as did three other troopers. The other eight or so had standard blasters.
“My intention? Honestly, Commander, I think I got lost. These two droids clearly have no idea how to use positioning software.”
Cal felt BD-1 jab his shoulder with his foot. He did his best not to wince in response.
“Hold on, isn’t this the Jedi that infiltrated the Inquisitorius?” One of the other staff troopers chimed. “I’d recognize hair like that anywhere.”
“No, you must be mistaken. I heard the Jedi was already neutralized. His escape was rebel propaganda,” a familiar voice with an all too familiar accent rang from the bottom of the stairs. All Cal heard was the sound of plastoid clattering against the ground as the sound of blasterfire filled the stairwell.
Cal smirked as he lit both ends of his saber, charging the commander. He put up a fight, blocking Cal’s attacks faster than he could send them, but recently Knighted Jedi Cal Kestis outranked command troopers before, and he sure as hell outfought them now. He got in a few good strikes while the commander blocked. Cal remained patient, per his training. The commander was brash. He would wear himself out, fighting the way he did. Cal honestly wasn’t even sure how he made it this far, if this was how he fought every time.
Though, he supposed, they were stationed on a planet with little to no activity, in a fortified castle that no one dared to enter. Perhaps he never had to try in the first place. Cal chuckled to himself at the thought.
It didn’t take long for Cal’s prediction to come true. The commander exhausted quickly, the slightest slip providing Cal his opening. He lunged forward with his saber, and the commander fell to the ground,
The rest of the staff troopers were simple. Cal was perfectly comfortable taking on a platoon like this. The Inquisitorius, which contrary to Merrin’s comment he did escape , was damn near hell to fight through, especially the dojo. It almost felt like resistance training. Comparing the two made this feel like child’s play.
Merrin also seemed to be holding her own very well. By the time Cal had taken four troopers, Merrin had already downed six.
To his credit, he took on a Commander. That had to at least count for two.
Once Cal made it through the staff troopers, he separated his lightsaber into two, holding one behind him to block fire, and one in front to attack. He wasn’t sure how many, if any, troopers had fallen due to his back saber, but he got about seven more from the front before the room was quiet again, save for the hum of his sabers.
He turned to see Merrin, bathed in the indigo light of his lightsaber, and he cursed himself. Even after fighting stormtroopers, after starting a fire, after all they’d been through that day, she still was so beautiful. He could no longer hold back the look of fondness he’d tried so hard to suppress the past few weeks. Cal Kestis may as well have had hearts for pupils, the way he was looking at her.
She was also staring, breathing heavily from the exertion. She took a step closer, and he did the same. Something hung in the air between them, something that had likely been hanging in the air, that Cal was too uncertain to notice before.
Whatever was going to happen was interrupted by a sudden loud creaking, indicating the castle was coming down fast.
Merrin grabbed Cal’s hand and they ran. Cal checked behind to make sure MR-305 was keeping up.
More plastoid clattering reverberated through the first floor hallway. Cal could hear it coming from the ballroom—their exit.
He looked to Merrin, both of them smirking as he lit his saber and she produced a flame.
Cal didn’t think he could find Merrin any more attractive than he already did, but watching her fight, how she flashed from one trooper to the next, switching from magick attacks to melee, did something to him he truly hadn’t thought possible.
Cal Kestis had crushes before. He’d already discussed this with Merrin. Fleeting, sometimes flings, that faded nearly as quickly as they came. Save for Caleb, there was really only an aesthetic appreciation of a person and a desire for companionship.
Merrin, on the other hand, was something new entirely. There was no point in denying his crush, but what was happening now was something different. Watching Merrin fight, the ease with which she brought troopers to their knees…
Now there’s a thought.
Cal stabbed through a staff trooper as he shook the thought.
Time and place.
Thankfully he was mindful, and his thoughts didn’t give him away , so to speak.
The ballroom was filled with roughly 30 troopers. Cal counted about twelve of them with staffs, the remaining eighteen wielding blasters. By the time he and Merrin had finished, he counted fourteen troopers he’d downed himself.
“You must be rusty, Jedi. In both fights I have eliminated more troopers than you.”
“Okay, that Commander has to count for two.”
“In that case I have still downed more than you. I did fourteen that fight, and you did eleven. Twelve if you count your Commander. You may want to consider practicing more.” She smiled. She was absolutely messing with him.
“Maybe I was just letting you get more experience,” Cal stated, crossing his arms.
“Not likely. We both know you respect me far too much.”
They both laughed as they climbed out the window. They were about to continue until BD-1 beeped, reminding them MR-305 was the mission and he was currently stuck in the castle.
“Ah yes, stairs are no problem for the astromech with wheels, but climbing slightly higher, that is where the struggle lies,” Merrin quipped. Cal snickered as he used the force to lift, causing Merrin to laugh too. By the time MR-305 was out, the two had devolved into pure hysterics.
Cal didn’t know what to make of Merrin’s state of mind. At the best of times she was exactly this funny, exactly this sardonic, and just as quick witted. This wasn’t exactly the best of times though, and Cal, though he appreciated the levity, wasn’t sure if she was truly okay, or if she was just putting up defenses.
Despite his uncertainty, the laughter continued. The droids shared a series of beeps, something along the lines of “these two are insane” and “do they understand the situation at hand even a little bit,” Cal wasn’t exactly paying attention.
“Stinger Three, troopers abandoned the explosion site and it sounds like the castle is coming down. What the hell did you two do in there?” Kendo’s voice, a melting pot of concern, awe, and vague irritation rang through Cal’s comm.
“Uh, I really don’t know how to answer that,” Cal stated. Merrin continued laughing.
“Did you at least complete the mission?”
“I think technically the mission is completed when we return the asset to you, but we got it, if that’s what you’re asking.”
“Good. Is… is Stinger Four okay back there?” Kendo asked, more concerned than anything else.
“I really don’t know how to answer that either. We’re doing our best over here.”
“Ten-Four. Head back to base and please don’t blow up the forest in the process.”
“Ten-Four,” Cal cut the comm. “Hey Mer, time to go. You need a minute?”
“No, I am okay.” The laughter stopped. She held a crazed look in her eye, something Cal hadn’t seen from her before. There was a lot from her today he hadn’t seen before, as it turned out.
They began to run back to the forest when Merrin stopped and turned back to the castle one last time. Cal stopped as well to watch her. She raised her arms and contorted them, working something he couldn’t see with her magick. She finished, placing her hands by her sides and nodding, pleased with her work. She looked at Cal, signaling that it was okay to keep going.
He didn’t look back when he heard the castle collapse behind them. He did, however, look at Merrin.
“Load bearing wall. We need not preserve places of horror.”
Cal smiled. A deeper conversation was still due, but he was glad to see Merrin satisfied with her choices.
Their journey back felt shorter than the journey to the castle. Whether it was because they were running, the mood was lighter, or they’d done it before, Cal couldn’t tell. 305 was keeping up well for an astromech of his shape and size, though he had to propel himself with the jets on his legs every now and then.
Thoughts swirled in Cal’s mind. The castle, the Nightsisters, Merrin next to him, all of it forming a relatively incomprehensible soup in his brain. He truly had no idea where any of this was leading, if any of it was leading anywhere.
What he did know, however, was that his friend was alright, at least in a physical sense, and that maybe they could catch a bit of a break after this and work out what needed to be worked out.
The trees grew denser as they found their way back to the not-partisans’ base. MR-305 sped past them as he began to realize he was almost home. BD-1 nudged Cal’s shoulder.
“Go ahead buddy. We’re right behind you.”
BD beeped happily as he propelled himself towards 305, landing on top of the other droid’s dome.
The base hatch, which had been inconspicuously covered with leaves and sticks, opened at the introduction of MR-305. The droid propelled himself downward via the jets on his legs, lowering himself and BD-1 into the base. Cal and Merrin followed shortly after.
The four not-partisans sat throughout, as they had when Cal had first entered their base earlier that day. The anxiety in the room was palpable.
As 305 descended into the hatch, one by one the residents of the hatch perked up, noticing their droid. Cal watched as relief and genuine appreciation washed over them. Flink ran up to her droid, lifting him into a hug with a level of ease that Cal could only replicate if he used the force. Kendo and Freepo ran up to meet her, and Brando walked up behind them.
305 let out a series of incredibly happy beeps. Cal was convinced Flink was about to pop his dome right off. Kendo and Freepo were smiling, and even Brando had a half smile he couldn’t hide.
“Thank you.” Kendo said to them both. “For the sake of the mission we made it clear that he’s an asset we don’t want in imperial hands. This is true, and he does actually have partisan information stored in him, but he’s a part of our team. He’s family. Thank you so much for bringing him home.”
“I can understand that,” Cal chuckled as BD-1 began to crawl back up his arm to his shoulder. “This little guy and I have been through hell together. I wouldn’t trade him for the world.”
Cal and Merrin stuck around for a minute, listening to stories from the not-partisans. There werent enough chairs for all of them, so Cal and Merrin opted to sit together on the floor. Cal could feel their knees brushing together every so often. It was driving him crazy.
Of all the spots to sit in the base, the two of you elected to sit basically on top of one another. That has to mean something.
For once, Cal didn’t fight his internal monologue. There were arguments, deflections, stupid details that he could zone in on to prove himself wrong, but he just didn’t have it in him anymore. That voice in his head was probably onto something. They were sitting very close. Since the forest planet they always sat close. There was something about her, even back on Dathomir when she was trying to kill him, there was something about Merrin that Cal wanted to know. And he knew her now. Her thoughts, her fears, he knew the great tragedy of her life, the great love, the details.
And he still wanted more.
If he was off base, that was okay. Cal and Merrin had only known each other for a few months at this point, but something in him knew they would be okay if he was off base. They could find a way to be on the same page if he absolutely biffed it. And he would meet her there, because she was just that interesting and cool and he wanted her to be part of his life.
His best friend. More would be nice. Stars , he would kill to be more. But if that wasn’t in the cards, he could figure it out.
But to know her touch, further than the handholds they’d done for comfort, to know her words, more than what they’d already shared, that’s what Cal wanted. And the voice that often fought with his internal monologue about whether she wanted it too, or whether he deserved it to begin with, was uncharacteristically silent.
Cal’s thoughts were interrupted by the buzz of his comm.
Location compromised. 60*401773.
Cal recognized the numbers. It was part of a code Cere devised before he’d joined the crew. There were a few codes with a few different meanings, but 60*401773 meant “return to base”, which in the current case, meant the Mantis. If Cere was using code, that meant it was somewhat urgent.
He alerted Merrin, and the two got up and said their goodbyes. The not-partisans hugged the pair, and informed them they were always welcome to return.
They also insisted on giving them a handful of credits each. It wasn’t much, but it would cover rations for a week or so.
Merrin climbed up the hatch first, and before Cal could follow, he felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned his head, expecting to hear something from the droid that sat there, only to be greeted with Brando’s face.
“You like her.” Brando said, simply, gesturing up towards Merrin.
Cal froze, and could feel himself turning red.
“So I read that right?”
“Y-yeah, you did.” Cal stuttered, trying to shake the nerves. “What gave it away?”
“There was a chair available. One of you could’ve sat in it, but you both sat on the floor. Very close.”
Cal opened his mouth to protest, but no words came out. Brando was right. He’d hardly noticed the chair. All he saw was Merrin sitting on the floor.
“Look, I’ll make this quick. I know you like her, and I can tell she likes you. The two of you have it bad for each other. I know what that’s like.” He looked back to Kendo, who was watching intently with their arms crossed, a knowing smirk on their face.
“That person there is my whole world. I joined this rebel group because of them. I remember falling for them like it was yesterday. I’m not great with words or expressing emotion, but I knew if I didn’t say something, I was gonna regret it for the rest of my life.” Brando’s usual stoic manner of speaking was gone. He spoke with an almost poetic rhythm.
“How did you know it wasn’t going to ruin everything?” Cal asked quietly.
“I didn’t. I went to them, shaking and stuttering, and they took me as I was. We were close at that point from working together for so long that the rational part of my mind knew they wouldn’t hate me for asking, but I never knew any of it for sure until I did it. It’s a leap of faith, Cal. I get the feeling your line of work has made you plenty familiar with it.”
“I– thank you.” Cal said simply. Brando nodded, and Cal climbed up the ladder, and out the hatch.
“Took you long enough. I could practically feel the Mantis being compromised from here,” Merrin joked.
“Yeah,” Cal laughed nervously. He didn’t have it in him to joke back.
Cal Kestis, Jedi Knight, the man who brought two inquisitors to near defeat, who infiltrated the Inquisitorius, hacked his way through Jotaz and Wyyyshocks, destroyer of Scazz in general…
…was maybe a little terrified of the pretty girl who walked next to him.
He knew that Merrin knew she was scary. And he knew she enjoyed that. Getting Greez to move from his spot on the sofa (which now that Cal was thinking about it, was always closer to his own) was almost a hobby for her. She was scary and witchy and esoteric and lovely and nice and pretty and—
Stars he had it bad for her.
Cal was so lost in thought he practically smacked into the side engine of the Mantis when they got back. Merrin laughed, and probably made fun of him, but he wasn’t paying attention.
Walking back onto the Mantis , Cal could practically feel his sanity returning to him. It had been a very long day, or maybe it had been two? Cal couldn’t tell anymore, but what he did know was that he needed a shower, a hot meal, and he needed time to himself to think.
“Welcome back,” Cere greeted, with some urgency. “Everyone get somewhere and secure yourselves. We’re leaving—”
“Now. We’re leaving now,” Greez interjected. He’d already begun to take off. “The Empire’s been gettin’ closer and closer to finding us and I’m not sticking around to let ‘em. Find a chair, sit in it, and get ready for hyperspace.”
“Where are we going now?” Merrin asked.
“Anywhere but here,” Greez said as he pulled the lever above him, sending them into hyperspace, and sending Cal and Merrin into the couch they were about to sit in. Greez sighed, content with his work, and left the cockpit to meet the rest of the crew.
“Right. Now that that’s settled, what’s for dinner?”
Notes:
Happy 1 year anniversary to this fic omg u guys it was NOT supposed to take this long and it was also NOT supposed to spark a genuine love for writing or be good at all like even a little bit
thank u for reading I love u all sm xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Chapter 9
Notes:
Holy shit you guys holy fucking shit thank you so much for reading and liking and commenting this has been SUCH a delight for me.
Some fun facts/commentary:
MR-305 was named after the Floridian bard himself, Miami’s own Pitbull. It came from a RuPalps PodRace bit.I feel like I used too many semicolons
English IS my first language but while I was writing this both of best friend’s parents died and we had to put my partner’s dog down and I found out my driver's license had been suspended since MAY OF 2023 so I guess the AO3 author’s curse is real idk I also almost became a victim of identity theft but that problem resolved itself before any damage could occur so that’s cool ig.
Writing this fic inspired me to write other shit. I’m prob gonna take a break from writing merrical but I have a couple other ideas rattling around in my brain so at some point those will be written.
Chapter 3 came the easiest to me, but chapter 7 is EASILY my favorite. Writing it hurt so bad and I was in such a bad place so it took like 2 months to even finish the rough draft. When my partner read it they had no notes which is kinda awesome because they’re a huge nitpicker (part of why I asked them to beta in the first place). Chapters 4 and 9 are both a CLOSE second though they were so much fun to write and I really like the dialogue. Chapter 1 is my least favorite I honestly might go back and rewrite some of it but idk.
All this to say, I am so sorry these last chapters took so long. I am very tired. I love u all, this was supposed to come out during pride month because bisexual cal kestis army rise up idk.
This is the last chapter you guys! I did it!! This is the first fic I’ve ever finished!!! Tell me in the comments that you are proud of me the external validation really keeps me going ok time to read now :)
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Cal retreated to his room shortly after finishing dinner. He showered while Greez and Merrin were cooking, briefed Cere and Greez on details of the mission while they were eating, and was now tinkering with his lightsaber in his room. He needed time to think.
What do I tell her?
How do I tell her?
What if she doesn’t feel the same? How do we get back to normal?
“What if she does?”
“What if who does?”
Cal jumped, dropping the tool he was probing his saber with. He turned around to see Merrin standing in the doorway.
He swore he closed that.
“Oh, uh, nothing– gah, no one,” He stuttered, nerves and anticipation pooling in his lower abdomen.
“Right,” Merrin said. She sat down on his bed, watching him.
“Is uh, is there something you need?”
“Do I need a reason to sit with you?”
“No, no, uh, I just— um,”
“Oh. I can leave if you would prefer to be alone.”
“ NO. Um, sorry. No. You can stay. If you’d like.” Cal was red. He could feel it in his cheeks; his entire face was warm and tight. His stomach was turning and flipping and he really didn’t know how he was going to start this conversation.
“So,” Merrin started.
“So,” Cal replied.
“Are… all your missions like that?”
“Like what?”
Merrin stopped. Cal read the expression on her face. She wasn’t sure what she was asking either.
“They don’t all reveal some horrible truth about your past, if that’s what you’re asking,” Cal half joked.
“Yeah. Did you…?” Merrin trailed off, not wanting to finish her sentence.
“Yeah. I did. I’m so sorry, Merrin.”
“Don’t be. It was a long time ago.”
“Still. I’m sorry you were left alone to pick up the pieces.”
“So were you,” she stated plainly.
“That was different. I had Prauf. There were other people around me and it was awful to know none of them were my master or my friends but I still had others.”
“I had the Nightbrothers”
“And how many of them genuinely valued your company as a friend?”
Merrin stayed quiet.
They remained quiet for a moment. Cal reached for the tool he dropped with the force and moved all his tinkering supplies, as well as his half disassembled lightsaber, to the ground in front of Merrin.
“What was… forgive me, it is probably not appropriate.” Merrin mused as Cal began tinkering on the floor.
“What?” Cal asked, turning pink.
“I was just wondering what your experience was like. With the end of your people.”
He relaxed a bit. “Uh, it was definitely different from yours, I think. It caught us by surprise, me and Master Tapal. I remember completing a training exercise, and by the time I’d finished, the trooper that was firing blanks at me had his blaster pointed at my master and I get the feeling it was loaded with actual charges.” Cal had given up on tinkering his lightsaber, instead opting for laying flat on the floor.
“Why was the trooper firing blanks?”
“It was part of my training. I had to be able to dodge a bullet.” He looked up, realizing she was asking about the trooper, more than the bullet. “Back during the republic, we had clone troopers fighting by our sides. This was the day they turned on us.”
“Why did they turn?”
“I don’t know. Master Tapal didn’t know either. And we didn’t really have the time to think about it. We just had to get out.” Cal’s voice began to waver. It was never easy remembering that day.
“How did you get out?”
Cal began to answer, but his voice caught in his throat.
“We don’t have to keep talking about it, if you don’t want to,” Merrin looked concerned. Probably about as concerned as Cal looked after coming out of Merrin’s memory.
“No, it’s okay. I want to share this with you. I think you’re the only person who would really understand.” He took a deep breath, centering himself. “Master Tapal distracted the clones while I escaped through the vents. We met back up at the escape pods and I thought we were going to make it out. Back home, back to the temple, where we could report the incident, but my master caught a stray shot and I was so angry, Merrin. Angry, afraid, upset, whatever it was I tapped into and froze the battalion in place. I bought enough time to get in the pod and eject it, but…” tears began to well in Cal’s eyes.
“He didn’t make it…” Merrin finished.
Cal shook his head. “I got him into the pod. If we had a medical droid, he might’ve made it, but all he had was me. I dropped my lightsaber in the chaos. He gave me his and told me to trust only in the force. Those…” Cal had to stop. He was actively crying now, and his voice was wavering as such. “Those were his last words.”
“And that is why you do not like escape pods,” Merrin remarked.
Cal nodded. “That’s why.”
“I was hoping after, I could find a transport to Coruscant, but by the time I landed, The Chancellor had become the Emperor, and he said my kind were terrorists. People saw my braid and my clothes and they saw a terrorist . So I cut it off, I threw my robes off the side of a freighter, and I found work where I could. The Empire was more relaxed about child labor than the Republic was, so it was easier than I thought it would be.” Cal couldn’t help but laugh. Saying it out loud, it sounded so much worse than he ever felt it was in the moment.
“Cal, I’m so sorry.” He could see Merrin’s eyes becoming red as well. She was crying too.
“Don’t be. It’s not like it was your fault anyway,” he sniffled, wiping a tear from his chin.
She placed a hand on his shoulder, and he rest his head on top of it.
“It’s like you said, Merrin: Survivors. We adapt.”
Merrin smiled softly. Cal smiled back.
They sat quietly for a moment. Cal shifted his position, laying on the ground with his legs propped up on the bed next to Merrin.
“What else do we not know about each other?” Merrin asked, laying down on the bed, her legs bent in a tent shape over Cal’s.
“Uh…” Cal wasn’t sure how to answer. “I don’t know. What do you want to know?”
Merrin sat for a moment, thinking of questions to ask. She looked at him, as if asking if he had anything in mind.
“Uh… Oh! When did you start counting who you’ve downed in fights?” Cal wondered at the castle, but had much bigger fish to fry at the moment.
“When I learned to fight. We were taught to count the number of foes we found ourselves fighting, and keep track of who was where and when. It became habitual. Ilyana and I would compare after training,” Merrin answered. “Do you count them too?”
“Yeah, it was something I saw the clones doing. They told me it was a game, to see how many droids we could hit in a single fight. My record was two hundred and thirty four.”
“That is a lot of droids.”
“It was a long battle. It was actually right before we left for Bracca. That… was an even longer battle.”
“How long were you there before…” Merrin trailed off. He knew what she was asking.
“It had to have been months. I lost track of the days pretty easily. The day everything went down was actually supposed to be our last day. Master Tapal told us we were heading to Mygeeto, and a few minutes later, we were being shot at.”
They were quiet again for a moment after that.
“What is your favorite color?” Merrin chimed.
“Pink, I think.”
“Why?”
Cal sat for a moment. “I dunno. It’s just always stuck out to me. What’s yours?”
“Green.” She said quickly.
“Why?”
“Have we not had this conversation before?”
Cal felt a chill run down his spine. He remembered the conversation very well.
He never forgot the comment about his eyes .
“We may have. Remind me.”
“Well, there was a planet I visited with a close friend whose name escapes me at the moment.”
“Oh, was there now?” He replied
“There was. Green wasn’t super familiar to me at the time. I only knew the color from the color of my magick, and whatever had been lying around on the Mantis .” Merrin sat up, back against the wall, with her legs crossed. “When you were a child, did you ever try to create an entirely new color? Like one that had never been seen before?” Cal nodded. “This is the closest possible way to describe how that felt.”
“Do you miss it, at all? Dathomir, I mean.”
Merrin took a deep sigh. “Of course I miss Dathomir. I miss my home deeply. I miss my mother, I miss Ilyana, I miss hwotha berries and the lake and my classes and—” Merrin stopped and breathed. She looked like she was about to cry again. “But it is like I said in the forest. They are gone, and they are not coming back.”
“Sorry, I– I don’t know why I asked.”
“I’m not finished. That Dathomir has been gone since I was thirteen years old. I missed it even while I remained on Dathomir. I do not miss the unbearable loneliness, I do not miss the pedestal the Nightbrothers placed me on, and I do not miss the implication of that pedestal. I love my home. I deeply miss my home. But I do not miss the world it became once it stopped being that. It is… complicated.”
Cal wanted to chime in, to say he understood, which he did, but something about this silence needed to be hers.
It was quiet for a while after that, Cal tinkering with his lightsaber, while Merrin sat quietly watching him.
“Did you have an Ilyana?” She broke the silence.
“I… don’t think so. Not in the same way you did.”
“What do you mean?”
“There were people in my life that I think I shared something with, but I don’t think I had anything close to what you and Ilyana had.”
Merrin said nothing, but Cal could sense she accepted the answer.
“Though I guess there was always Caleb,” he chimed.
“Caleb?”
“Another Padawan. He was the first friend I made after I was brought to the temple. We were close.”
“Why did you neglect to mention him?”
“At the time I didn’t really know what was happening. We were close until he was chosen to be Master Billaba’s padawan. He was a bit older than me so his ceremony came a bit before mine. After that we would comm each other every once in a while, but it fizzled out after a bit. We just got busy.”
“I see. Do you think he…” She trailed off.
“I don’t know. I hope not. Not because of that, y’know, just… I hope not.”
Merrin got up from the bed, and moved to the ground next to him, laying down with her legs also hiked up on the bed.
“I understand now why you lay like this. It is comfortable.”
Cal smiled and exhaled, as if to laugh. He didn’t have a whole lot of laughter in him at the moment, but he appreciated the brevity.
He really didn’t know whether Caleb was okay. A part of his younger self secretly hoped they would find each other, but once he found work, once he got a rhythm, once he cut himself off and accepted the reality of his situation, he stopped hoping so much.
“Y’know, hope was something that was hard to come by.” Cal started, unprompted. “On Bracca, I mean. The most I would hope for was a few extra credits on my check, or a better meal in the mess hall. But I didn’t hope for much beyond that.” Merrin turned to look at Cal, who was still staring at the ceiling.
“I lived life on Bracca with my head down and my expectations low. Prauf and I had each others’ backs, but part of me worried I’d never get off that rock. And I didn’t exactly make much of an effort to start.”
“What made you leave then?”
“I was discovered. Prauf took a nasty fall and I saved him with the force. I don’t even really know how it happened; I cut myself off from the force when I cut my braid, but it was like something in me finally snapped that day. I don’t know if the Empire sensed my presence, or if they found me by sheer dumb luck, but our train home was stopped and they threatened to kill everyone unless the Jedi—unless I came forward.” Merrin reached for Cal’s face, pushing a bit of his hair out of it. He leaned into the touch, trying his best to quiet his mind and not lose his train of thought.
“So you came forward?” She asked.
“No. I froze. I hoped someone else would say something, that someone else was the Jedi they were searching for, but deep down I knew it was me, and my mind started screaming at me to move, to speak, to do something, anything, so they wouldn’t die, but I was just… frozen.”
“So what happened to them?”
“Prauf stepped up. Started talking about how life was better under the Republic, how they were paid more, treated better, had actual careers, rather than just jobs. I think he was trying to rally us together, but at the time I was worried he was about to sell me out. Trilla ended up stabbing him in the chest. I lit my blade, she blocked, and the Ninth Sister grabbed me and threw me over the edge. I would’ve been a goner if Cere and Greez hadn’t shown up when they did.”
“And?” Merrin asked.
“And, I went on this quest. ” Cal turned his head to meet Merrin’s gaze. He felt his face become red, and he didn’t have it in him to care anymore. “And that quest led me to a home, to a family. To you. And I learned to hope again.”
She was close. Closer than a friend needed to be. Inexperienced though he may have been, it didn’t take an expert to know that the mere inches that separated them were far too few for “just friends”. He could feel their faces moving closer, the distance between them shrinking with every agonizing moment. She was still playing with his hair, her nails gently scratching his scalp. It felt incredible. The closing distance between them felt incredible. The warmth in his lower abdomen, the longing in his chest, the flush of his cheeks felt like ecstasy. He took his hand and, stealing a move from her own book, brushed a piece of hair out of her face. He kept his hand there, hesitating for only a moment before—
Before she closed the remaining distance between them.
Everything he’d felt in the moments before, the hours, the days, the weeks, hell, his entire celestial-forsaken life, paled in comparison to the feeling of Merrin’s lips on his own. The way her hand felt in his hair, though she’d moved it to prop herself up, her other hand holding the side of his chest as she held herself on top of him. The way their kiss began to deepen, her hums of pleasure and contentedness, the cadence of her voice worming its way deeper and deeper into the back of his mind. He could stay like this forever. Stars, he could stay like this forever.
But reality had other plans, and Cal needed to breathe.
Pulling away from her felt like one of the hardest things he’d ever done, but seeing her face, her pupils blown wide, making her already dark eyes even darker, the flush in her cheeks, the confirmation that all that thinking, all that brooding, dreaming, the stolen glances, and the weird visions he had weren’t in vain, made it almost worth it. There was foolproof evidence, right in front of him, that she wanted this too.
Right?
He didn’t know what to say now. Truthfully, he hadn’t planned this far. He’d hardly even planned a confession , let alone a full blown kiss. The moment just took him, but now the moment was over, and he was left staring at the most beautiful person he’d ever seen in his entire life, and he was at a complete and total loss for words.
“Took you long enough.”
“I– I don’t think– I mean I d– don’t know– I mean— ugh.” Cal closed his eyes in defeat, looking up to the ceiling and hiding his face in his hands. There was absolutely no way he was forming a coherent sentence right now.
“I mean, I still had to do it, but you put in a good effort,” Merrin pat his head, trying to remain coy, but unable to hide the genuine excitement behind her eyes.
“Y–yeah, you did.”
“And you are… okay?” Merrin’s excitement began to fade into worry.
“YES. Sorry, um, yes. I am… very okay.” Cal replied.
“Just okay?”
“MORE than— More than okay. I, um,” he continued to look at the ceiling, unable to make eye contact. “I liked that very much.”
“Good.” Merrin’s smile returned.
“W–was that weird?”
Merrin raised an eyebrow in confusion.
“T– to kiss you. After talking about Caleb? And Prauf?”
“Cal Kestis, everything you do is weird. You brood alone in forests, you fidget incessantly , and you mumble in your sleep.”
“I mumble in my sleep?” He turned to her, meeting her gaze once more.
“Yes. The night we spent together you went on for several minutes about needing and leading and kissing wookies. You are very weird, Cal.”
Cal laughed, some of the anxiety fading away as he did.
“Honestly, kissing me after unloading your trauma may have been one of the most normal things you have done since I met you.”
“Oh? What are the other normal things?”
“Honestly I cannot remember. A walk through a forest planet comes to mind, but if I recall correctly, you were jumping and falling and nearly dying your way through it so it truly might just be that one thing.”
“Hey I could’ve survived that fall!”
“Yes, I have no doubt you would have survived, but the way you would have begged me for a potion or some other spooky Nightsister remedy would have driven me to kill you myself.”
“If you wanted me dead, you would have done it on Dathomir.” Cal got up, gesturing for Merrin’s hand, and guiding her to sit on the bed with him.
“I tried! You and your weird Jedi arts kept me from doing so!”
“No, if anyone on Dathomir was considered the weird one , it was the creepy old man who tried to start a murder cult with the Nightbrothers.”
“You were both postoronniy. At least we agree I was the normal one.”
Cal rolled his eyes, an unmistakable look of fondness covering his face. One he knew he would never have to hide again. He rest his back on the headwall of his bed, and Merrin adjusted herself, laying on his chest.
“Are you sure? About me, I mean.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean it’s a big galaxy. There’s a lot of people out there.”
“Cal Kestis, I have seen so little for someone who has been through so much, but I have lived enough life to know what I want. And right now, what I want is to kiss you, and to keep kissing you. You do not need to worry about me.”
“I just want to make sure you’re okay.”
“For the love of— I am okay Cal. Trust me.”
“Are you—mmph!” Cal was cut off by Merrin’s lips meeting his again. He welcomed it. He would always welcome it.
They remained like that for several hours, switching between kissing and conversation, until eventually, they fell asleep.
— — — — —
Cal was running through the desert. Troopers surrounded him and Merrin nearly the whole way to the cliff they found themselves on. Something was different about their dynamic, as if they lost some of their normal rapport. In addition, his hair was longer and he felt the scratchiness of a beard he was finally able to grow on his face. Merrin’s hair was shorter, and though the necklace Ilyana gave her remained, her usual Nightsister robes had been replaced by a pants and jacket combo.
“Dead end!” Merrin exclaimed, as they both stopped themselves at the edge of the cliff. Cal ran to the other side, but it was no use.
“We make a stand?” His voice was his own again. Deeper, maybe. Scruffier, definitely. But undeniably his.
Merrin grabbed something from her belt, pulling the top of it off with her teeth and drawing a circle over the side of the cliff.
“Do you trust me?” She yelled over the wind and the sound of imperial destruction.
“Of course.” Cal turned around to meet her gaze. She breathed heavily, from the nerves of what was to come. “What are you up to?” He asked, seeking clarification. Usually, his involvement with her magick involved someone dying, or already being dead, so despite his unwavering trust in her, he still wanted to know what she was getting him into.
“No time to explain,” she stated plainly, walking closer to him. “Do you trust me?” She asked again, grabbing his hand.
“Yes.” He said, feeling the anticipation, as if he’d been waiting for this for several years. She stepped forward and kissed him, placing her hand on his chest.
Something about this kiss, the way he felt when he nervously snaked his arm around her waist; this was an older, more confident Cal, but even then she still held his heart like putty in her hands.
The kiss felt like everything he’d needed for the last several years, lasting both an eternity and a second, reducing him to his simplest form. He needed more, but as she pulled away, he knew he’d have to survive this next part to earn it.
“Was that for luck?” He barely managed to speak. He tried so hard (and thankfully succeeded) to keep his composure.
“No. For me.” She said, almost too quickly. Cal stared as she walked towards the circle she drew, remaining in a form of stasis, until brought back to reality by BD-1 tapping his shoulder. Cal sprinted toward Merrin and the circle, which had now taken the shape of a portal.
“Jump through Cal! Now!”
He did as he was told, getting a running start, and taking his leap of faith. He braced himself for the ground, but the ground never came. He instead flew through the air, from one portal to the next, until being launched into the air, and landing on a separate cliff with Merrin, where a metal tendril stuck itself into the cliffside, the rest of the squid-like mechanism preparing to attack.
“Nowhere left to run!” Merrin exclaimed.
“Then we stand together.” Cal stated.
She tore apart one of the tendrils with her magick, holding it in place for Cal to push it with the force. They maintained their stances, holding back the debris as the mechanism exploded.
“One last jump,” Merrin said, before they could relax too much. “It’s a big one.”
“Right behind you,” Cal said, following her as she ran into another portal.
As he jumped into the portal, he found himself in a different setting. Same hair, same scratchy beard, same different Merrin, even the same desert, albeit a much calmer part of it at a much later time of day. He was leaning on the ridge of a different cliff, watching the wind blow through the ruins of the temple around them. Merrin leaned on the ridge with him.
“What a view, huh?” He said. “The desert at night seems to stretch on forever.”
“Hm,” Merrin mused. “There is beauty in emptiness.” She smiled to herself.
“Now you sound like a Jedi.”
“They got a few things right.” She turned, leaning her back against the ridge, looking back at the little campfire they made.
“Not everything.” Cal said, placing his hand on top of hers. He felt as if he was taking another leap of faith. “Look, uh,” he started. “The Order’s gone. It’s time to leave it behind. And…” he took a breath before he finished his next sentence.
“I know what I want now.”
“Took you long enough.” She smiled. It was clear now she’d been waiting for this moment for a while. She cupped the side of his face with her hand, very softly pulling herself towards him. There was a quick peck, though they very quickly realized they both needed more. Their kiss became deeper, their walls breaking down to let the other in. Cal once again felt the anticipation, as though they’d been waiting for this moment for years.
Cal woke from his dream slowly. There was no cold sweat, no anxiety about a possible mission gone wrong, just a natural wake. For a moment, it felt like he was back in the temple. That, he supposed, may have been the last time he truly woke up on his own, without the aid of an alarm or his own subconscious screaming at him.
He hummed quietly to himself, relishing in the aura of calm that surrounded him. Though his eyes were closed, he felt movement next to him.
Merrin.
All at once the memories of the previous night came flooding back. Their conversation, their vulnerability.
Their kiss.
The calm that washed over Cal quickly shifted to giddiness; his hands nearly vibrated with excitement at the thought of what was to come. The galaxy was dark and cold, but he found his light. His family. Someone to call his… love wasn’t quite the word. Not yet, at least. He knew it was coming, though. The way he felt about Merrin, the way she felt about him, it had to be coming sooner, rather than later.
In all his giddy vibration, he hadn’t noticed he’d begun rhythmically tapping the side of his cot. It must have been just loud enough, however, causing Merrin to shift and wake up.
“Oh, shit. Sorry Mer.”
“S’all good. What are we tapping?” She asked, delirious with sleep.
“Nothing in particular. How was your night?”
“Wonderful.” She slurred, her eyes closed, but her head up. “Dreamt I was kissing this hand some Jedi.”
“Is that so?” Cal asked.
“Mmhm. He was just like you.”
“Is that because he was me?”
“Could be. His hair was longer and his skin was tanner. But you had one thing in common.”
“And what was that?”
“You still didn’t have the guts to kiss me yourself,” she finished, eyes still closed, booping him on the nose.
That was all the invitation he needed, grabbing her waist and holding himself over her the way she did the night before. He kissed her tenderly, squeezing her waist only slightly. Merrin grabbed the back of his neck, pulling him in further. For a while they remained, drinking the moment in for all it was worth. It wasn’t until they heard shuffling toward the refresher that they separated that the reality of their living situation sank in.
“What do you suppose we do about them?” Cal asked.
“What do you mean? Do you worry they will not approve?”
“The opposite, really. Cere actually told me to get my head out of my ass and work out my feelings.”
“Did she now?”
“In less plain terms, but that was the general idea, yeah.”
“So then what is the problem?”
“I don’t know. I just– there’s a lot to work out here.”
“Is there?” She asked. “I like you a lot. You like me a lot. I do not see that changing in the foreseeable future.”
“Well yeah, but–”
“If Greez gives you trouble, I will threaten to eat him.”
“That works,” Cal laughed.
The conversation with Cere and Greez happened over breakfast. Greez started to say something about bringing her on the ship because Cal wanted to look at a pretty girl, but Merrin made true on her promise to threaten him. He was silent and supportive after that. Cere showed her support as well.
Cal got the feeling things would complicate themselves again. Even in the better parts of his life, complications seemed to arise. But for the first time in five years, things were starting to be on the rise again.
Who could argue with that?
Notes:
Life really is fucking crazy I started writing Dan and Phil fanfic like 10 years ago and gave up bc I didn’t want to be cringe and now I’m posting something genuine and serious that over 1000 people have clicked on????? Idk who y’all are but u rock ily thank u for making the numbers go big and making my stupid monkey brain go brrrrrrrr
A_klausi on Chapter 1 Tue 05 Sep 2023 07:13AM UTC
Comment Actions
Purelightning200 on Chapter 1 Sat 16 Dec 2023 06:56AM UTC
Comment Actions
Purelightning200 on Chapter 2 Sat 16 Dec 2023 07:17AM UTC
Comment Actions
GoblinOfTheWizardArts on Chapter 2 Sun 17 Dec 2023 06:09PM UTC
Comment Actions
pukizaura on Chapter 3 Tue 14 Nov 2023 09:56AM UTC
Comment Actions
hailpailentologi on Chapter 3 Tue 14 Nov 2023 04:40PM UTC
Comment Actions
lightjakrises on Chapter 3 Tue 14 Nov 2023 07:13PM UTC
Comment Actions
hailpailentologi on Chapter 3 Tue 14 Nov 2023 07:19PM UTC
Comment Actions
Purelightning200 on Chapter 3 Sat 16 Dec 2023 07:26AM UTC
Comment Actions
Purelightning200 on Chapter 4 Sat 16 Dec 2023 07:44AM UTC
Last Edited Sat 16 Dec 2023 07:44AM UTC
Comment Actions
hailpailentologi on Chapter 4 Sun 17 Dec 2023 05:26PM UTC
Comment Actions
QueerNoob on Chapter 4 Sat 16 Dec 2023 10:19PM UTC
Comment Actions
hailpailentologi on Chapter 4 Sun 17 Dec 2023 05:25PM UTC
Comment Actions
QueerNoob on Chapter 4 Mon 18 Dec 2023 07:59AM UTC
Comment Actions
SedmayaSestra on Chapter 4 Sat 16 Dec 2023 10:29PM UTC
Comment Actions
hailpailentologi on Chapter 4 Sun 17 Dec 2023 05:24PM UTC
Comment Actions
SedmayaSestra on Chapter 4 Mon 18 Dec 2023 12:58AM UTC
Comment Actions
PassThePornTea on Chapter 4 Fri 22 Dec 2023 08:00AM UTC
Comment Actions
Lumberjack_Chad on Chapter 7 Mon 29 Apr 2024 07:17PM UTC
Comment Actions
hailpailentologi on Chapter 7 Fri 24 May 2024 01:06AM UTC
Last Edited Fri 24 May 2024 01:07AM UTC
Comment Actions
TwilightArbiter on Chapter 8 Thu 05 Sep 2024 01:51PM UTC
Comment Actions
hailpailentologi on Chapter 8 Sun 22 Sep 2024 03:35AM UTC
Comment Actions
Lumberjack_Chad on Chapter 9 Wed 25 Sep 2024 06:49PM UTC
Comment Actions
Cyndll on Chapter 9 Wed 25 Sep 2024 10:25PM UTC
Comment Actions
TwilightArbiter on Chapter 9 Sat 28 Sep 2024 04:15PM UTC
Last Edited Sat 28 Sep 2024 04:16PM UTC
Comment Actions
hailpailentologi on Chapter 9 Wed 06 Nov 2024 03:10PM UTC
Comment Actions