Chapter Text
It was quiet in Mu Qingfang’s office. This was generally accepted by Qian Cao Peak as a sign that something really crazy was about to happen.
Mu Qingfang’s head disciple, Ren Ya, fought the urge to bite her nails to soothe her nerves. It was a full moon too, and everyone knew things were always worse on a full moon. No one knew why, but it was statistically documented medical fact.
She was almost relieved when the Peak Lord of Qing Jing Peak, Shen Qingqiu, rushed in holding a crying baby. This was probably weird enough to qualify, all on its own.
Mu Qingfang looked up when he heard the wailing, then dropped his brush and stared. It rolled away, off the desk, and under one of the nearby chairs.
“Gods above,” he croaked. “Why do you have a baby?”
Shen Qingqiu looked cool and unaffected as always, despite the red-faced child in his arms that was screaming in decibels that made Ren Ya flinch. “Just examine him and tell me what’s wrong, Mu-shidi,” Shen Qingqiu drawled, barely audible above the din.
“I’m not a pediatrician,” Mu Qingfang said faintly. Shen Qingqiu turned to look at Ren Ya instead, so she scuttled behind the desk and pretended to look for Mu Qingfang’s brush.
Shen Qingqiu returned the full force of his glare to Mu Qingfang, who wilted under the stare as caustic as the acid of the Nine-tailed Ivory Serpent.
“Was there a precipitating event?” Mu Qingfang asked, reaching out to take the baby from Shen Qingqiu’s arms.
Ren Ya realized that the crying sounds were intensifying and now coming in stereo. She peeked over the desk just in time to see Liu Qingge slam the door open and rush in with a second wailing baby. This one looked slightly bigger and older, and had an enormous bump on the center of its forehead.
In the stunned silence that followed, Liu Qingge shoved past Shen Qingqiu to place his baby in Mu Qingfang’s outstretched arms.
Mu Qingfang looked at the baby he was holding as though he suddenly had cause to doubt the nature of reality itself. “Oh god, they’re multiplying,” Ren Ya heard him mutter under his breath. Ren Ya began to wonder if her Shizun was about to have a psychotic break, and if the shelter she had behind his desk was more dubious than expected.
“I was here first!” Shen Qingqiu snapped at Liu Qingge, who bristled. Shen Qingqiu and Liu Qingge were infamous for taking every available opportunity to fight, and this was a small space. Probably still best to remain behind the desk, then.
“Mingyan is crying harder,” Liu Qingge said bluntly. “So she should be seen first.”
Indeed, the child in Shen Qingqiu’s arms had calmed to tiny sobs and was turning to curiously examine the Liu Mingyan baby that Mu Qingfang held.
Shen Qingqiu glared at Liu Qingge, and pinched the baby he held. The screaming resumed.
In the midst of the resulting cacophony, Mu Qingfang calmly took out a pair of earplugs - an essential tool for peak lord meetings, and apparently pediatric checkups now too. He set Liu Mingyan down on his table and began to examine her, paying particular attention to the lump on her head.
“How did she injure herself?” He asked Liu Qingge. Shen Qingqiu, realizing he’d been thwarted, scowled deeply in a way that promised subtle vengeance that the entirety of Qian Cao would soon have to endure. Ren Ya made a mental note to go on an extended off-peak mission stat.
“She fell off the roof,” Liu Qingge explained.
“What?” Mu Qingfang and Shen Qingqiu said. Ren Ya nudged Mu Qingfang and gestured at his ears. He sighed and removed the earplugs, then asked Liu Qingge to repeat himself.
“She fell off the roof,” Liu Qingge said again, as though this was a simple fact that needed no context whatsoever. Babies fell off roofs all the time. Simple fact.
“How did she get on the roof?” Ren Ya asked, morbid curiosity piqued.
“She climbed,” Liu Qingge replied.
Mu Qingfang pinched the bridge of his nose. “Have you heard of baby-proofing?”
Shen Qingqiu and Liu Qingge both frowned. Shit. That was a no.
Shen Qingqiu whipped out a fan and attempted to look like a lofty, wise, above-it-all immortal, but it was too late - Ren Ya and Mu Qingfang had both seen that flash of panic on his face.
“You will both need to make your residences safe, particularly if you plan to… keep these babies there long term?” His voice rose into an anxious, questioning tone. The concept of them keeping the babies was almost as absurd as the concept of them showing up with babies in tow at all.
“I’ll write up a list you can take to Shang Qinghua,” Mu Qingfang said with a sigh. He turned to look for his inkbrush.
Liu Mingyan had seized it and was happily splashing ink all over Mu Qingfang’s recently completed paperwork. Ren Ya blinked at her, baffled. Hadn’t the brush rolled onto the floor? How had she gotten ahold of it?
Liu Mingyan was now covered in inkstains that didn’t quite obscure the giant red welt on her head. Shen Qingqiu looked at the picture she made and sneered. He stepped away with his immaculately dressed, clean, and well-tended baby, who had subsided in his crying and was now imitating a sleepy little angel.
Ren Ya could swear the Peak Lord was striking a pose. He looked smugly down his nose at Liu Qingge.
Liu Qingge didn’t seem to notice, Shen Qingqiu’s smugness or Mu Qingfang’s despair at the ruined paperwork. He just looked at Mu Qingfang searchingly, as though expecting the man to produce the list right away. On his desk, Liu Mingyan began to eat the brush.
“I can see you are busy,” Shen Qingqiu said, voice dripping with disdain. “I will expect your list to be delivered to my bamboo house within the hour.” Jade eyes creased with a merciless smile. “And A-Yuan and I will return later, when this brute and his spawn are done.”
Ren Ya gave in and nibbled her thumbnail at the thought of a reprise of this event. Shen Qingqiu swept out the door with all the panache of a melodramatic supervillain exiting stage left. The effect was only slightly marred by a sleepy baby hand waving a gentle goodbye at them over his shoulder.
Liu Qingge continued to wait and stare at Mu Qingfang. Liu Mingyan switched to eating the paperwork.
Mu Qingfang buried his face in his hands.
