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First, he hears the laughter. Two voices, both familiar, one making him want to draw Baxia or leave for a night hunt. He does neither. He refuses to act recklessly. Most likely, this visit won’t be different from the previous one. He endured it five days ago, and he will endure it today.
Nie Mingjue knows this, but as the words become distinct in the flow of their speech, he reaches for Baxia’s handle. Her rage steadies him in a moment of weakness.
“Have you brought anything for me?” whines Huaisang.
“Only a fan this time. I hope it will be to your liking.”
Nie Mingjue exhales. He is wary of overhearing Meng Yao’s words, for there are many things Meng Yao won’t say to him. The first time Nie Mingjue learned that, several years ago, he let him leave for the Jins. The last time it happened was only two months ago; Meng Yao never told him of his courtship with Qin Su, the same as he never told about his ambitions. As Nie Mingjue congratulated him, he looked guilty for no reason whatsoever, afraid that Nie Mingjue would be hurt and angry.
There was nothing to be angry about. Back then, Nie Mingjue felt relieved and safe, secure in his new knowledge that Meng Yao was taken. Qin Su was a good choice - kind, brave, and determined. He hoped Meng Yao loved her, for if he ever wished to kiss him again, Nie Mingjue wouldn't survive that day.
“Show it to me, show it to me! You have a great taste, and my room is so bare.”
Both times, the bitterness came later.
He enters quietly, stops in the doorway. Huaisang doesn't even notice, his excited gaze set on Meng Yao. And Meng Yao looks well, not as tired as usual. His smile seems sincere.
“Right here? Weren’t we supposed to keep it a secret? I don’t want you to get in trouble with dage,” Meng Yao laughs, looking over Huaisang’s head at Nie Mingjue. His voice turns playful, a rarity usually reserved for Xichen these days.
The forest in Langya. The Sun Palace. The Koi Tower's staircase.
Nie Mingjue knows how warm his eyes look when he is smiling sincerely. He can’t reconcile the two sides of Meng Yao.
“You won’t! Dage has a good day. And he is back to his self - well, mostly,” Huaisang chatters. “He night hunts all the time. You should talk to him, sange. So many night hunts can’t be good for anyone, and dage needs his rest!”
“I will say a word to him,” Meng Yao grins in the sharp and charming way of his. “It’s good to see you, dage.”
Huaisang turns around and squeaks ridiculously and hits Meng Yao with his new fan. “I will never forgive this betrayal, sange! Dage, we weren’t scheming.”
There is comfort in them getting along but of a fickle variety. Nie Mingjue feels calmed by the knowledge that Huaisang won’t be left alone, but is it truly a good thing? He doubts.
It's not that hard to tell right from wrong. It's not that hard to tell the truth from a lie. But Nie Mingjue still doesn't know how to make sense of Meng Yao - he still hopes -
“Have you brought anything for me?” he asks.
Meng Yao stops laughing.
“Only twenty days have passed. I still have time to fulfill my promise,” he says, his voice intent and demure. Nie Mingjue wants to meet his eyes. He won’t look into his eyes, the irises too black, the sclera too white, the contrast too stark.
“I will wait,” Nie Mingjue promises.
Instead, he looks at the Jin mark on his forehead. He should think of him as Jin Guangyao, but he’s bad at that.
“See you later, dage, sange!” Huaisang hurries away. Since the day Nie Mingjue burned his paintings, he has been wary of being caught up in another confrontation.
The issue is, there has been none.
“How is your health, dage?” Jin Guangyao asks instead.
He looks as if he truly cares. He acts like nothing happened on the Koi Tower staircase. He pretends that Xue Yang still breathing, Jin Guangshan still scheming have nothing to do with his life or with Nie Mingjue. He travels to Unclean Realm and plays the Song of Clarity and tries hard to get back into Nie Mingjue’s good graces.
The worst part, it works.
“It will get better when I have Xue Yang’s head,” Nie Mingjue says stubbornly.
Jin Guangyao sighs.
“It will get better when the Song of Clarity takes effect,” he evades. “Should we get to your rooms?”
Nie Mingjue nods and leads the way. It’s useless, but rejecting Meng Yao’s help will only drive him further away. If Meng Yao follows up on his words - if Meng Yao stops whatever he is doing under Jin Guangshan's orders - well, that won't be worth much, for Meng Yao doesn't choose it of his own volition. But it would be something. Maybe a start. Maybe a delay of the end.
“Is it truly fine with you that I bring Huaisang presents?” Jin Guangyao asks. He is always considerate about the small things with little consequence.
“It is.”
“You won’t burn it again?”
“I won’t,” Nie Mingjue says, then corrects himself. “I hope I won’t.”
They say no more on their way. The silence with Meng Yao is no longer easy. Nie Mingjue doesn’t look at him, but listens carefully to his footsteps, the way he follows him, the way he exhales - softly, as if in pain - at Nie Mingjue’s correction. The way he holds his breath as if hoping for Nie Mingjue to continue. Nie Mingjue suspects he knows what passed in Jin Guangyao’s mind. He doesn’t acknowledge that thought, because it is not true.
Nie Mingjue is dying, but he didn't shove Meng Yao down those stairs because he was dying. If he weren't in his right mind that day, he would come to regret it later.
He hates Meng Yao and he hates himself. The memory hurts.
Still, he has no regrets. He hopes that one day he will.
“Huaisang is worried about you,” Jin Guangyao says as they enter Nie Mingjue’s rooms.
“I heard that.”
“Won’t you feel better with less night hunts?”
“I won’t.”
“You look tired.”
“I will go insane if I stop.”
He regrets burning Huaisang's paintings. He regrets raising his voice on Xichen. He regrets many mistakes that cost lives - hardly avoidable at war, still unforgivable. Nie Mingjue is not gone yet. He can feel things other than rage. So, if he has no remorse for the Koi Tower staircase, it means something.
Every time he thinks of the possible meaning, he grabs Baxia and leaves the Unclean Realm. If he doesn’t, instead of the answers he will find death.
“What if you qi deviate? Alone in the forest, with no one to help?”
“Then I’ll die fast and won’t bring anyone with me.”
“Did your father?..”
“Yes.”
“...Dage, I’m so sorry.”
Meng Yao is sitting behind the guqin - quiet, collected and intent. Nie Mingjue looks at the cinnabar dot on his forehead, but he still sees the pained pinch of his brows. His voice rings true.
It works on Nie Mingjue, it always works.
“He killed Huaisang’s mother when she was tending to him,” Nie Mingjue confesses on a whim. “Wounded me on a couple of occasions. The others were afraid to take care of him. It took six months for him to die. So, I would rather be alone.”
Meng Yao looks pale. Nie Mingjue is not sure why he tells things to him. He doesn’t trust him; he trusts Xichen, but he never tries to tell Xichen why he does what he does. But Meng Yao is always so kind and strong and understanding, Meng Yao sees him and knows him, and Nie Mingjue can’t reconcile - after all those years, still can’t reconcile -
The Song of Clarity is not able to fix him. One thing is, and Meng Yao promised to bring it to him.
“I’ll do everything to make this end,” Meng Yao vows. His hands are steady where they touch the guqin’s strings. Meng Yao looks intense and somber as if he made a choice. Whatever he chooses, that is a good thing.
As Meng Yao plays, he seems true to himself. It’s a rare sight; Nie Mingjue loves him like this.
He forces himself to relax and lets the music flow through him.