Work Text:
A Disclaimer From Your Friendly Neighborhood Oracle:
The following is a transcript of Patrol Communications Audio written by state of the art transcription technology, IRIS (Interpretation of Recorded Intelligence Software). IRIS was created to provide easily searchable records, automatically, and eliminate the need to transcribe each patrol audio log manually. It can pick up on tonal cues, describe ambient noise, identify team members and other voices via vocal patterns, provide context by linking back to other IRIS logs, and translate languages automatically into English, for ease of reading for team members less linguistically inclined. That being said, IRIS is still experimental, and may not always be entirely accurate. Transcription particularly suffers in cases of:
- Audio distortion
- Multiple people speaking simultaneously
- Heavy accents
- Background noise
- Slang
If you are upset about mistranslation, please review some simple guidelines to help prevent future transcriptional errors:
- Enunciate.
- Speak slowly, and in complete sentences.
- Use clear, professional language. Ex: “I have been ejected from the situation on the bridge,” vs “Just got yeeted off the bridge.”
- Do not pretend we’re on Jersey Shore (Red Hood, Spoiler). Do not put on a bad French accent (Nightwing). Do not quote BBC’s Sherlock (2010) (Red Robin). You are not funny, French, or Moriarty.
- Try not to submerge comms units for periods longer than 5 minutes. Waterlogged mics are muffled mics.
- Speak into your comms unit and not into your water bottle.
- No Chatter On Comms. This is work, not a social club.
- Try to talk when guns aren’t actively being fired at you. They have to reload sometime.
Please submit corrections according to the guidelines in the Patrol Comms Transcription Corrections forms. These forms are and have always been accessible in the folder clearly labeled as “PCTC Forms”. Do not complain to Oracle about mistranscription, or I can pack IRIS up and sell her to YouTube and make oodles of money, run off to Aruba, and never talk to any of you again, and then you will have to go back to transcribing patrol comms audio by hand, and nobody will be having any fun but me, in Aruba.
Disclaimer done. Enjoy your IRIS log.
Lines marked with ¹ are unclear in speaker(s).
Lines marked with ² are unclear in transcription.
Lines marked with ³ are unclear in translation.
Please submit a PCTC form with any corrections.
IRIS Log #1548 11/08/2022
⏯ ⏮ ━━━━━━━━━●━━━ ⏭
Open Line:
(01:21) Red Hood: (Background noise: motorcycle) Reporting in. I stopped the operation on Meade and North Clinton- in pursuit of a runner, southbound on Clinton, white Ford van, Massachusetts plates, first 3 digits 467. Anybody want to go do cleanup duty? They’re out but not secured.
Oracle: Blackbat, you’re closest. Hood, Clinton’s got bad camera coverage, but I’ll let you know if they leave the area.
Blackbat: On my way.
(01:22) Red Hood: Heard.
Selective Line, Batman, Robin:
(01:22) Robin: Batman. I have thoughts to continue our earlier argument.
Batman: Robin. Enough.
Robin: I have more to say.
(01:23) Batman: Not on comms. You’re not going, you went last weekend. Did Nightwing even invite you, or are you just inviting yourself?
Robin: (Cranky) Nightwing says I’m always welcome.
Batman: You still need to be invited.
Robin: I could call mother and tell her that Todd wants her to visit.
Batman: (Loud) No. (Pause, 3 seconds) (Cranky) We are not continuing this tonight, or on comms. Have you gotten the prints we need?
Robin: (Sullen) Yes.
Batman: Good. Come back to the batmobile.
Open Line:
(01:24) Red Hood: (Background noise: motorcycle) Oh, for fuck’s sake. (Sigh) Lost them.
Oracle: (Incredulous) How? You’re a motorcycle.
Red Hood: (Sarcastic) Hey, thanks. Like you’ve never lost anything. Next time I’ll treat pedestrians like bowling pins. Couple side streets at this intersection and I dunno what one they took.
Oracle: Direction?
Red Hood: South, last I knew. Poked down Pearl and Hamilton but I didn’t see ‘em. Turning on Liberty, maybe they’ll turn (yelling) fuck! (Brake squealing, crashing, scraping sounds, lasting 5.7 seconds.)
Nightwing: (Loud) Holy shit, was that-
Batman: (Loud) Red Hood, report!
Oracle: Red Hood?
Spoiler: (Loud) What the fuck?
Batman: (Loud) Oracle, do you have eyes-
Oracle: No, no, next traffic cam is almost a mile down the road-
Batman: (Loud) Red Hood, report.
Blackbat: (Background noise: zip ties) Almost done, what intersection?
Oracle: Tracker stopped at Liberty and North Clinton. You don’t have a vehicle-
Blackbat: I am fast. Closer than others, too.
Red Robin: That sounded- bad, that sounded really fucking bad-
Batman: (Loud) Red Hood, please report in.
Nightwing: Did he get hit? Sounded like a hit, but did anyone hear a shot? I’m heading down.
(01:25) Robin: I did not pick up on any gunfire.
Oracle: Spoiler, Red Robin, you’re not so far, bring the van and-
Batman: Red Hood, can you hear me? I need you to report. I’m coming-
Oracle: We can’t all stop what we’re doing just because one of us got hurt, there’s too many of us to all help at once. I need-
Red Hood: (Mild static) (Out of breath, slurred) You motherfuckers. Put some fuckin-
Batman: (Shaking) Red Hood-
Red Hood: Shut up. Put some fucking respect. On my name. Start fucking copying me. I just got thrown fucking. Um. 40 feet. Into a fucking uh. What's it. Ditch. I’m still fucking conscious.
Nightwing: (Background noise: motorcycle) (Relieved) Jesus fucking Christ. Jay-
Red Hood: Shut up! Respect me. Fuck you all, fix your fucking costumes. Helmets. Armor. Fuck you in particular fix your fucking suit.
Spoiler: (Background noise: car doors shutting, car starting) (Cheery) Well someone has a concussion! Me and double-R are on the way-
Batman: Red Hood, do not move, we’re en route-
Red Hood: What'll I win if I stand up.
Batman: (Loud) Do not stand up.
¹Multiple: Red Hood, Red Robin, Spoiler: (Laughter)
Nightwing: At least I didn’t get heat stroke in July.
(01:26) Red Hood: It weren’t heat stroke. And did I fucking die though? You would be dead right now. Your skull all crunched. Like a fucking. Uh. Tortilla chip. Fuck. Hey man. What’s up.
Oracle: Who the hell are you talking to?
Unidentified voice, northeastern American accent, masculine: (In tears) Oh my God you’re alive.
Red Hood: Sometimes.
Unidentified: I’m so sorry Mister- Mr. Red Hood. Are you- should I call 911?
Batman: (Sharply) Who is that?
Red Hood: Are you for real? (Silence, 4 seconds) It’s fine. I called Batman.
Batman: Hood, who is that you’re talking to?
Unidentified: Okay, um. Do you need my um. Insurance?
Red Hood: Man you fucking- ran a stoplight. Coming up the wrong way on a one-way. You didn’t even have a stoplight. What are you doing? Fucking. Start running. Get outta here before my Dad gets here and goes thermonuclear on you.
Batman: Do not tell them to leave-
Unidentified: (Stuttering) I sell drugs, that’s not- not a hit and run!
¹(01:27) Multiple: Nightwing, Red Robin: (Laughter)
Spoiler: (Background noise: song: CVNT by Sophie Hunter, car) (Laughter) Hell yeah! Mad respect, bro!
Red Hood: Does that thing look street legal to you? That's like a 200 thou piece of tech. You got 200 thou to give me? Is your goddamn goon-mobile insured?
Unidentified: Uh-
Red Hood: Well. Technically all it cost me was a handjob.
¹ ²Multiple: Batman, Nightwing, Red Robin, Unidentified: What? You. Hello. I.
Red Hood: I don’t want a handjob please leave.
Batman: (Background noise: Car door shutting, car engine starting) (Commanding) Stop telling them to leave. Can you identify the person who hit you?
Unidentified: Are you sure? I can like. Sit with you. And make sure you don’t. Die.
Red Hood: Yeah dude just go. Go to a career fair or something. Sort your shit out. When Blackbat gets here she-
Unidentified: (Loud) Blackbat? (Background noise: footsteps, running)
Red Hood: Fucking. Toodles. Bye. (Background noise: car door, engine, tire squeal.) (Laughter: Blackbat) Exit, pursued by sister.
Blackbat: (Background noise: footsteps, running) Hah!
Spoiler: (Background noise: song: Big Boy by Payday, car) Not your best work.
Red Hood: I got hit by a van, fuck you.
Red Robin: (Background noise: song: Big Boy by Payday, car) How concussed do you think you are on a scale of 1-10?
Red Hood: (Chuckling) Oh man. I’m fucking. (Drawled) All bonked up.
¹Multiple: Red Robin, Spoiler: (Laughter)
(01:28) Red Robin: Cool. I’m putting that in the IR.
Spoiler: Got your concussy slonked silly style. (² Correction submitted 11/09/2022 by Spoiler, words added to database.)
Red Robin: It’s serving gonked gourd. (² Correction submitted 11/09/2022 by Spoiler, words added to database.)
Robin: (Background noise: car) What does that even mean. I hate all of you.
Nightwing: Robin, get off comms.
Red Hood: Not writing no fucking. Idiot report. I wasn’t the fucking idiot here. You can’t make me.
Red Robin: (Passive-aggressive) Getting hit by a car is an incident. Therefore you write an incident report.
Red Hood: He hit me! I had the right of way. Fucking. How could this have been um… avoided? What safety rules slash regulations should be considered in the future? Better goddamn drivers ed in this goddamn clown shoes city.
Oracle: He’s from Massachusetts.
Red Robin: (Passive-aggressive) You can sure quote a lot from those forms for someone who hasn’t filled one out in two years.
Spoiler: Weren’t his plates from mass? Did he drive his own car to the drug op? Amateur.
Oracle: His mom’s.
Spoiler: Yikes.
(01:29) Nightwing: None of those words have that many syllables. Your brain probably looks like silly putty right now.
Red Hood: But! I’m not dead. Which you would be. All crunched. Like a tortilla chip.
Nightwing: My suit is not that bad.
Red Hood: Man maybe you’ve been crunched too many times already. Because that thing is like. Body paint. You’re one fall away from a Jackson Pollock.
Nightwing: (Cheery) Good thing I don’t fall! I land on my feet like a cat.
Red Hood: (Incoherent, 8 seconds) (Angry) Yesterday! Yesterday! Saw that! (Incoherent, 3 seconds)
Nightwing: (Nervous) What was that, Jay?
Batman: (Background noise: car) (Nervous) Blackbat, how far are you from Hood?
Blackbat: Minute. What side of the street?
Nightwing: (Pleading) Hey little wing, bud, can you talk? I need you to keep talking to us.
Red Hood: (Angry) Can talk. Fucking big fat liar. Fuck you. Tripped on a fucking curb and just laid there. I’m so fucking mad at you.
Batman: Do you know what side of the street you’re on?
Red Hood: One of em.
Oracle: Good talk, kid. Thanks.
Red Hood: I got hit by a van.
Nightwing: You sure did, buddy.
Batman: You’ve identified the driver?
Oracle: Simon Matthew Redding, age 26, from Methuen, Massachusetts. White, brown hair, brown eyes. Driver’s license says 5'10” but I’m looking at some security cam footage from earlier tonight and I'd say it’s more a cool 5'8”. Just took a left on Tucker Ave and he’s… stopping outside City Beef. Probably a rendezvous. He’s got a good chunk of motorcycle somewhere in or on his car. We’re gonna want that back, it has Hood’s tracker in it.
(01:30) Batman: Robin and I are moving to make the arrest. Keep us updated on his movement. Do you have a home address?
Oracle: He’s from Massachusetts? (Pause, 3 seconds) Batman. I’m not going to let you terrorize this man.
Batman: I’m not going to terrorize him. I just want to know.
Red Robin: (Background noise: song: Tonight I'm Getting Over You. by Carly Rae Jepsen, car) Uh, I think you’re going to terrorize him. You have a history.
Nightwing: I’m in favor of some light terrorizing.
Oracle: (Exasperated) What are we, the GCPD? Batman, if you turn this guy into ground meat I’m bricking the batmobile. Hood gets hit with one measly little van and you all try to become terrorists.
Red Hood: Don’t be fuckin. Ah. Diabolical. He said sorry already. You’re such a ghoul. That bike’s not even street legal.
(01:31) Batman: He hit you with a van.
Red Hood: It wasn’t that bad. He only hit me going.
Oracle: Going?
Red Hood: What?
Batman: Hood. (Pause, 3 seconds) Red Hood. How fast was he going.
Red Hood: Yeah.
Oracle: Jesus. Guess the black box will tell us.
Blackbat: I have eyes.
Batman: Status report.
Red Hood: I got hit by a van.
Red Robin: (Cranky) We’ve heard.
Red Hood: Oh. Did I say that already?
Red Robin: Yes.
Red Hood: Well. Oh well.
Batman: Blackbat, status report.
Spoiler: (Background noise: song: Tonight I'm Getting Over You by Carly Rae Jepsen, car) Man it’s a good thing you don’t panic about head injuries, Hood.
Red Hood: Panic is a choice. (Background noise: footsteps) Hi. Hi. There’s three of you.
Oracle: Blackbat, I take it that that’s you he’s talking to. I’ll write your soap note, just narrate. What’s the damage?
Red Hood: Have you seen my bike?
Blackbat: Exploded forever. Say goodbye.
Red Hood: (Sadly) Oh. Goodbye.
(01:32) Batman: (Frustrated) Blackbat, we need a status report.
Blackbat: The brain bonk is true. He is very silly. (Background noise: a smack)
Red Hood: (Whining) Ow!
Blackbat: Don’t be a baby. Stop touching my face.
Red Hood: (Whining) That hurt!
Blackbat: Don’t be a baby. (Background noise: a smack) I said stop.
Red Hood: (Whining) It looks weird. And you’re touching mine.
Blackbat: I am stabilizing your neck. Airway good. C-spine felt okay. Throat fine. Taking pulse now. You pass out?
Red Hood: I got hit by a van.
Blackbat: Did not ask.
Red Hood: I woke back up.
Blackbat: Good job. Do you know where you are?
Red Hood: Um. This shithole. Gotham.
Blackbat: Date? (Background noise: zipper, fabric moving)
Red Hood: (Confused) I don’t. Oh. Um. Night? Night. It’s dark.
Blackbat: Name?
Red Hood: (Confidently) Jason. I got hit by a van. I was on my bike. Have you seen it?
(01:33) Blackbat: It exploded forever. (Background noise: Red Hood, sad sound) Pulse normal, strong, fast. Taken at carotid. A and O is… times wiggly three. (Frustrated noise)
Red Hood: (Sadly) I liked that bike. I had sex on it once. Kind of.
Nightwing: (Alarmed) We don’t need to know that.
Spoiler: (Background noise: song: Girls Like Us by The Julie Ruin, car) (Amused) I would like to know that.
Nightwing: Spoiler. No.
Red Hood: It was just a handjob. Roy was making it better. My brain broke down.
Nightwing: (Pained) Please don’t elaborate any more.
Red Hood: Is my bike okay? Where is it?
Blackbat: Exploded. Forever.
Batman: (Commanding) Nobody talk anymore about the bike.
Spoiler: Don’t be like that! I want tips!
Red Robin: (Background noise: song: Girls Like Us by The Julie Ruin, car) I will tip you 5000 dollars to stop talking.
Spoiler: How do I get a hottie to have motorcycle sex with me?
Red Hood: Trap them. With pancakes. Good ones.
Blackbat: You ask her nicely. Now be quiet. His chest plate is (background noise: fabric snaps undoing, noise of effort) hard.
Batman: (Frustrated) Is he bleeding anywhere?
Blackbat: Can’t… (frustrated noise) see anything. Yet. His armor is better than Nightwing.
Red Hood: (Laughter)
Nightwing: (Offended) Hey now.
(01:34) Blackbat: It’s not helpful. (Background noise: zipper) There. Breathing is both sides. By… by…
Oracle: Bilateral. Good.
Blackbat: Don’t see blood. Ribs… (Background noise: pained gasp) Ribs sad on the left. No dis… tension. Distention. (Background noise: yelp) Sad left clavicle. Pelvis good. Circulation good in arms. Your armor is good. You should have less.
¹Multiple: Nightwing, Red Robin, Spoiler: (Laughter)
Red Hood: Hey. If I didn’t. I’d be all-
Red Robin: (Annoyed) Crunched, like a tortilla chip. We’ve heard.
Nightwing: Don’t get mad, Red. He’s got a concussion.
Red Hood: (Agreeably) I am all bonked up. (Laughter: Nightwing) Hey. Cass. Cassie. Is my leg fucked. The right one.
Blackbat: It. (Pause, 3 seconds) (Reading) I am not your medical provider and can’t diagnose injuries or illness. Please ask your doctor when you are under their care.
Red Hood: Oh. Um, okay. Can you tell me as buddies? Not as my doctor. (Laughter: Spoiler, Red Robin) Just as buddies.
Blackbat: …Super busted. Bad. As buddies.
(01:35) Batman: Blackbat. We are not medical-
Red Hood: She said as buddies. It’s fine.
Spoiler: (Laughing) The as buddies legal loophole.
Red Hood: (Laughing) You laugh like a dolphin.
Spoiler: (Offended) You laugh like a goat with emphysema. Stones, glass houses.
Red Hood: Can you imagine the heating bill? (Alarmed) Hey. No. Don’t.
Blackbat: What. I need to take it off.
Red Hood: It might explode. (Exclamations, multiple: Batman, Nightwing, Red Robin, Spoiler) I have to do it or we’ll blow up.
Batman: Hood, elaborate.
Blackbat: Can you even… Hold your hands up. Grab my fingers. No. To the right. Other right.
Red Hood: (Cranky) Stop moving them.
Blackbat: I am not moving them. (Pause, 3 seconds) No. (Pause, 2 seconds) No. No. You can’t take it off yourself.
Batman: Elaborate on the explosion.
Red Hood: Um. (Reading) When C4 gets ignited it decomposes and releases nitrogen, water, and-
Batman: (Interrupting) What on you is going to explode.
(01:36) Red Hood: Oh. Oh. My helmet.
Batman: (Horrified) Why is your helmet going to explode.
Red Hood: Because there’s C4 in it. Wait. No. We good. Roy took away my C4. You can take it off. I think. This might be an old one. You can probably take it off if it's a new one. If it's an old one we will explode. It's probably a new one. Maybe.
Selective Line: Oracle, Private Number- (206) 325 2157: Roy William Harper.
(01:36) Harper: (Half-asleep) Hello?
Oracle: (Flatly) Roy Harper. Good morning. You should leave your phone on at night so you can be reached in an emergency. I don’t actually enjoy turning them on remotely. Will Jason’s helmet explode if we take it off?
Harper: (Confused) What?
Oracle: (Flatly) This is a yes or no question.
Harper: (Confused) No? No. I fixed that. Wait. Hang on. What. No. It shouldn’t. He’s gonna be in big trouble if it does, I took away his C4 privileges. Wait. What’s going on? (Nervous) Wait, now I’m nervous. Someone do a bomb scan and nobody touch his helmet. What’s happening?
(01:37) Oracle: (Flatly) How do you take it off without it blowing up.
Harper: Barbara. What is happening?
Oracle: (Exasperated) Roy, it’s one in the morning. Please just tell me how to take the stupid helmet off.
Harper: It’s, ah, a pattern? You have to hit it in certain places and press and hold- it’s easier to show than explain. Why can’t he show you? What happened?
Oracle: (Flatly) He got hit by a van.
Harper: (Horrified) Jesus Christ. Is he-
Oracle: He’s alert and mostly oriented. He’s just concussed and can’t grab Blackbat’s hands six inches in front of him. Do you think you can explain how to take it off to Blackbat so she doesn’t turn them both into a physics equation? I don’t think we have time to get you to Gotham to do it yourself even with the Zeta tubes. Batman’s blowing a gasket and I need tonight to be a night that contains exactly zero explosions.
(01:38) Harper: I can- I can do that, yeah. Oh my god. Yeah, put me on.
Open Line:
(01:36) Batman: Why on God’s green earth. Is there C4 in your helmet.
Red Hood: In case I get stolen again and someone tried to take it off of me.
Robin: (Alarmed) Batman, keep your eyes on the road.
Nightwing: Robin! Off of comms!
Batman: Hood. Red Hood. What.
Red Hood: Blow me up once shame on you. Try to blow me up again. And I’m doing it first. Hand in hand we are getting exploded together forever.
Red Robin: That’s absolutely not how that saying goes.
Red Hood: It should be.
Spoiler: Bringing that "you can’t fire me, I quit!” energy into attempts on your life is something I totes should have seen coming from you, Hood. Admirable. I love it.
(01:37) Red Hood: You should let them fire you. For unemployment.
Batman: (Angry) Hood. Your helmet could have been damaged and ignited in the crash. That is an unspeakably dangerous, stupid thing for you to have on your person-
Spoiler: (Background noise: song: MILF by Scene Queen) (Pointed) You have grenades next to your penis.
Batman: Let alone next to your skull. Blackbat, is the helmet damaged anywhere that you can see? You should evacuate-
Blackbat: Just scrapes. It’s okay. Would have gone off by now. Not worried.
Batman: (Sharply) That is not a guarantee with explosives.
Red Hood: (Slurred) Chill out. Didn’t go off. That’s because I designed it. And I only want it to go off in um. Certain. Scenarios.
Batman: Jason, it is fucking C4.
Nightwing: (Horrified) Like it falling off of your head?
Red Hood: (Exasperated) It’s a helmet, idiot. It don’t just fall off. Which you would know if you wore one. Mister… Brain damage. McGee.
Spoiler: (Background noise: tongue click) No, that's not a good one man. Sorry.
Red Hood: (Whiny) I’m concussed. It won’t go off. Short of like. Another explosion.
Batman: Your helmet should protect you in an explosion.
Red Hood: (Cranky) It’s an explosion. What’s a helmet gonna do? Should I wear bubble wrap to jump off the empire state too?
(01:38) Nightwing: Okay, everybody just- calm down. Hood, who do we call to figure out how to take it off? Wait, I can call Roy-
Oracle: (Irritated) Names on comms, everyone, Jesus wept. I have already called him. (Background noise: Communication line connection click.) (Speaker added: Arsenal | ID #ASC2.) Everyone say hello to Arsenal, Arsenal, tell us how to remove the helmet.
Arsenal: Okay, so-
Red Hood: (Delighted) Roy!
Arsenal: Oh Jesus. Hi, Jaybird-
Red Hood: Hey Roy! Hello. I’m in trouble. Not the usual kinds.
Arsenal: (Angry) Oh yes you fucking are.
Red Hood: Also the usual kinds.
Arsenal: Yeah. Yep. You have not even begun to discover the trouble you are in, buddy.
Red Hood: (Sadly) Roy. My bike. It exploded forever.
Red Robin: (Background noise: song: MILF by Scene Queen, car) (Surprised) Oh hey, that’s good. He’s starting to retain information, great.
Red Hood: Also. Steph wants to know about bike sex.
Red Robin: (Commanding) Arsenal, tell him to retain different information.
Batman: (Commanding) Arsenal. How do we take the helmet off.
(01:39) Arsenal: Right. Yes, okay. Um, so. Don’t do anything yet just listen, because it takes a bit of explaining- um, and then I’ll walk you through it again but then we’ll do it together because you can’t really pause, if you’re not confident it’ll go off- does that make sense? So you see the seams on the helmet next to the eyes? Actually you should probably get behind him for this, it’s easier if he’s upright but he probably can’t so just kneel behind him. So starting from an inch above the eyes you’re gonna run three fingers along both of those grooves until you hit the back of his skull, and right above the base of his neck you’re going to tap twice with both hands, like (Background noise: four hits on a table, rhythmic) that. The first ones should be firm and the second ones should be light and you switch which hand hits for every beat. And then you go down and there’s two sets of straps, the lower ones are kind of fake? They don’t actually attach to the knob you see back there and they’re stretchy- pinch those twice, you should feel them catch and pull on something in the helmet when you do it. And then there’s the knob- it’s like a locker combo almost except there’s no numbers and the clicks are designed to fake you out- the first click happens at 90 degrees but don’t pause there, or at any of the other clicks, go 15 degrees beyond that. So to 105 degrees, and then twist back up to the top, and then go to 180, back up, then 90, back up, then 350 and back up, then 90 and back up, 45 and pause and then 180 and back up, and again, ignoring the clicks-
(01:40) Blackbat: Not explosive.
Arsenal: What?
(Background noise: Explosion, 1.2 seconds)
Spoiler: (Background noise: song: BGC by Flo Milli, car) (Quietly) Oh, fuck.
Oracle: Blackbat, report. Are you-
Blackbat: (Background noise: car alarms) All good. It was explosive.
Red Hood: (Background noise: car alarms) (Laughter) (Pained) Ow. Ow.
Spoiler: (Almost in tears) I’m going to kill you.
Blackbat: All good. No worries.
Red Robin: (Background noise: song: IT GIRL by Aliyah's Interlude, car) Oh my god. Jesus. Why? What?
Arsenal: (Panicked) What happened? Jason, did you change the fucking code?
Batman: Blackbat. Would you care to explain. (Sound: inhale, exhale) What exactly just happened?
(01:41) Blackbat: Threw the helmet. It was explosive. (Laughter: Red Hood) Lot of words. Stupid puzzle. Not doing that. Quicker to chuck it. Now we are both in trouble, Hood. You’re not alone.
Red Hood: (Laughing, pained) You’re a real one. Up top.
Blackbat: That hand is broken.
Batman: Blackbat.
Blackbat: As buddies.
Arsenal: (Angry) Jason, I am so fucking mad at you. Why did you do this?
Red Hood: You’re just a hater.
Spoiler: (Background noise: song: IT GIRL by Aliyah's Interlude, car) (Laughter)
Red Robin: (Cranky) Dude, he’s concussed. He cannot communicate right now, stop asking complex questions about his psyche.
Red Hood: You’re all haters. I thought you all cared about secret identities. Cass is my only friend.
Nightwing: (Teeth chattering) Jason, explain to me how you weighed the risk of someone seeing your real face against blowing up and decided that blowing up was preferable. I am all ears.
Red Hood: Are you cold?
Nightwing: (Teeth chattering, angry) No, Hood, I’m having an adrenaline rush, because I thought you and Blackbat had died.
(01:42) Blackbat: It ended fine. I am fast. Puzzles don’t matter if you’re fast.
Red Hood: If you had a better costume you wouldn’t be cold.
Arsenal: (Angry) Jason Todd I’m tearing every single fucking one of your helmets to pieces. You can say goodbye to all that shit for ever. You’re fucking unbelievable. I’m making the next one myself and giving it fucking cat ears.
Oracle: Oh my god. Okay, Arsenal, time to go. You’re his emergency contact so, just, consider yourself contacted. Come pick him up… whenever. Sometime. I’ll text you. Goodbye. (Background noise: Line disconnection click.) (Speaker removed: Arsenal | ID #ASC2.) Okay, we’re done with patrolling for the night, all of us, I’m calling it. Batman, Robin, please make the arrest and then everybody go home. Except Hood, and his entourage. You are going to the clinic.
Red Hood: (Happily) Because I’m concussed.
Oracle: (Exasperated) Because you’re concussed, yes, Hood. Also, all of-
Red Hood: I’m also very nauseous. Can I have a bucket?
Blackbat: You are outside. The world is a bucket.
Red Hood: Oh. You're a genius. (Background noise: vomiting)
(01:43) Oracle: Oh, gross.
Selective Line: Oracle, Private number- (030) 834 0628: Stefan Hölzer. Call Redirected from 911.)
(01:43) Oracle: Hello, 911, where’s your emergency?
Hölzer: (Berlin German accent, slurring) Ah, hallo? (Translation from German: hello?) Ah, I don’t quite know where… we are. Wo sind wir? (Translation: where are we?) (Background noise: muffled talking) Weide? (Translation: willow?) Willow street, Willow street. Somewhere. Gotham! In Gotham City New Jersey, in America.
Oracle: And what’s happened?
Hölzer: We don’t… know. Something went boom!
Unidentified voice, Berlin German accent, feminine: (Slurring) Big explosion!
Hölzer: Ja, ja. (Translation: yes, yes.) Very, very big. Not far from us. Big boom. Not near the Skrunkfest. The other way. You could feel it in the ground! I know Gotham has… villains. We thought we should call in case it is a terror attack.
Oracle: …I see. Thank you sir, very helpful. We’ll-
Hölzer: Not near the Skrunkfest this time! Nobody even died this year! Very, very good festival. Arkham Fire played tonight. And Cyber Cunt Cultist!
Oracle: …We’ll send somebody out, sir. Do you know where you’re staying tonight?
(01:44) Hölzer: (Confused) Ah… yes? Bel-Air Motor Lodge. We are… walking there.
Oracle: Southeast on Willow street is the wrong direction. I’ve triangulated your location, would you like me to call you a cab? It’s going to be a long walk.
Hölzer: Ah, would you?! That is so nice! I love America. I love you. You are so, so nice. Helpful!
Oracle: Okay. How many are in your party?
Hölzer: It was a festival.
Oracle: How many people are you walking home with.
Hölzer: Ah! Four of us.
Oracle: Thank you. I have a ride heading to your location, they’ll be there in fifteen minutes. Don’t go anywhere.
Hölzer: We will stay right here! You will check out the big boom, ja?
Oracle: Of course. Have a good one, Mr. Hölzer.
Hölzer: I love you! Schönen tag noch wa! (Translation: have a nice day!)
Open Line:
(01:43) Red Robin: (Background noise: song: Naked In Manhattan by Chappell Roan, car) Did he wait for permission to throw up? Is that what he did?
Batman: (Sighing) He’s always been that way. He doesn’t like vomit and wants to make sure someone else can handle it for him.
Red Hood: (Outraged) How do you know that?
Batman: I raised you.
Spoiler: (Background noise: song: Naked in Manhattan by Chappell Roan, car) You get any on you, Blackbat?
Blackbat: Again. I am fast. Pupils- stop blinking. Pupils pearl. No CSF. No blood. No bruising. Your hair is sweaty. Skull intact. No blood in vomit.
Oracle: (Distracted) Excellent. Congratulations, Hood, you are not as brain damaged as you could be.
Red Hood: (Sarcastic) Yay.
Blackbat: Stop. No jazz hands. How do your teeth feel?
Red Hood: Toothlike.
Blackbat: Bite. Not me. Jaw fine. No fractures.
Batman: When he was 14 he threw up on me so as to not have vomit in his bed.
Red Hood: Stop telling them secrets. I’m private. I don’t like you.
Batman: (Sighing) I know.
Blackbat: Your boots suck.
Red Hood: What? No they don’t.
(01:44) Blackbat: Who does this? (Noise of effort) To shoelaces. Do you hate your shoes.
Red Hood: Fuck off. I love my boots.
Blackbat: This is abuse. For boots. Circulation normal left leg. Right cap refill slow.
Red Hood: The busted one.
Spoiler: The one busted as buddies. We’re here with the backboard, gang! How much C4 was in your helmet? There’s a whole goddamn light pole across the road.
Red Hood: Explode me once. Etcetera.
Nightwing: You tired, buddy?
Red Hood: Yeah. Hey, wait. Spoiler. You see my bike anywhere?
Red Robin: (Background noise: song: Naked in Manhattan by Chappell Roan, car door opening, car chime, car alarms) Oh boy.
Spoiler: (Background noise: trunk opening, car chime, car alarms) It exploded, man. Forever. Sorry.
Nightwing: You need to stay awake, okay? We’re gonna get you to Leslie.
Red Robin: I mean, if we can find them.
Red Hood: Oh, fuck. Doc Thompkins is gonna beat my ass. Just let me die.
Red Robin: Blackbat, can you stand up or shine your light at the road? We’re at the pin and found the impact point, but we don’t see you. (Pause, 2 seconds) Pog, okay, got you. Wow. You are in a ditch, fascinating. Good God, he got thrown like a corn hole beanbag.
(01:45) Spoiler: Imagine how embarrassing it would be to actually die in a ditch?
Robin: Stop talking about him dying. You are making Batman drive poorly.
Oracle: Okay, I’m back. Apologies, everyone. Some poor Skrunkfesters tried to call 911 about the explosion. Had to redirect.
Spoiler: (Laughter) Good old Skrunkfest. Okay, Hood, we’re gonna roll you onto the backboard in one, two, (strained) three! (Background noise: a scream) Sorry, sorry, all done, you’re okay. Whew. Jesus, you’re heavy. You ever been to Skrunkfest? Seems like your type of music.
Red Hood: (Out of breath) No.
Spoiler: No? Oh. Well. I guess it is usually in warehouses. Tracks that you wouldn’t like that.
Red Hood: (Cranky) I don’t like crowds. I’ve been in tons of warehouses. I’ve lived in a warehouse. Not everything is about how I blew up. There’s more to me. Than the one time I exploded.
Spoiler: Aye aye, captain. Like Shrek, you have layers. Cass, ready to lift?
(01:46) Nightwing: It’s been like five minutes. They took their sweet time calling, huh?
Oracle: They were on breathtaking amounts of drugs and very German, I sincerely doubt they remembered what number to call on the first try. Anyways. All of you are in trouble.
Spoiler: (Shocked) What did I do?
Red Robin: (Offended) I’ve been perfect all night!
Robin: (Angry) I did nothing wrong!
Oracle: All of you have used real names on comms-
¹Multiple, Red Robin, Robin, Spoiler: No! Not me.
Oracle: You have also instigated, Spoiler, been wildly passive aggressive, Red Robin, and Robin, how many times did Nightwing tell you to get off comms?
Robin: I did not need to get off of comms. You were all making sex jokes, I know what sex is.
Oracle: Not the point. Stop making me feel like I have to mom you. Blackbat, Hood, you owe me incident reports tonight, and once you get out of brain rest purgatory.
Red Robin: (Whining) Wow, can’t wait to do that.
Spoiler: Nobody makes you do them. You are not a martyr.
(01:47) Red Robin: It’s not like he’ll do them! If I don’t, who will?
Spoiler: So they don’t get done. Big whup. It’s just paperwork. Oy, Hood, eyes open.
Red Hood: (Groggy) I don’t want to be conscious. When Doc Thompkins kills me.
Spoiler: Take your lumps like a man, Hood.
Red Hood: I don’t want to.
Red Robin: Spoiler, you do your IRs in purple highlighter. I’m not taking advice from you. (Background noise: car chime, getting louder) There’s not enough room in the rig with the backboard for four people. Rock, paper, scissors?
Oracle: Ah, no. You, Red, are going to wait for a ride in the batmobile. Somebody needs to collect all those little pieces of bike and helmet.
Red Robin: What?! Why me?
Oracle: You like doing it.
Red Robin: What, cleaning up Hood’s messes? No I don’t! Why am I always the one who has to do cleanup duty for him? This literally is not fair. Robin never has-
Oracle: (IRIS Log #433 playback, 23:38:41-23:38:48)
Oracle: And Red- there’s a lot of pieces of the bomb that need to be found and reconstructed.
Red Robin: (Excited) Oh fuck yes it's a little treat for me. (End playback.)
Spoiler: (Laughter)
Red Robin: I don’t like the IRIS logs.
(01:48) Oracle: (Sweetly) Would you like to transcribe tonight by hand?
Red Hood: (Mumbling) Used to do that.
Oracle: You did. I can always make it happen again. Batman, status on the arrest?
Batman: Completed. Driving him to the precinct now.
Robin: (Disgusted) He was crying in the truck.
Red Hood: (Sadly) Aw.
Spoiler: (Background noise: car trunk closing) It’s not like you were going to be in the Spoiler van anyways. You can’t actually beat Blackbat at rock paper scissors.
Red Robin: What? No, of course not. I was going to play you.
Spoiler: It’s literally my car, dude?
Red Robin: Well, technically it’s a fleet vehicle.
Spoiler: (Mocking, nasal) Well, technically it’s a fleet vehicle.
Red Robin: (Mocking, high pitched) It’s literally my car, dude.
Spoiler: You’re just jealous that I get mad pussy in the cunt wagon because you can’t actually pick up bitches on your baby boy bike. Room for one butt only.
Red Robin: Under no circumstances am I jealous of your knockoff Nissan Cube. That “cunt wagon” has the land speed of a box turtle and makes you look like someone’s mom.
Spoiler: That’s how I got your mom’s thong hanging off my rear view mirror.
(01:49) Red Robin: Hey, remember that time you thought I was cheating on you? With my mom?
Spoiler: No I don’t. Also shut up. It’s my car and you’re not riding in it and you can die mad about it.
Nightwing: It’s about to be nobody’s car if you both don’t cut it out.
Blackbat: (Background noise: car door closing) Leaving now.
Nightwing: I’ll meet you at the clinic.
Spoiler: (Background noise: song: Big Titties (feat. Baauer and EarthGang) by Rico Nasty, car) We’re Gucci, Nightwing, you can head home.
Nightwing: Um, someone needs a ride to the cave so she can do the shiny new paperwork she just made for herself. I’ll meet you at the clinic and babysit until Arsenal gets here.
Oracle: Excellent. Great. You all did great on comms tonight prior to… this incident. Good job, and thank you. And then you all did very badly. Now, if we could all simply not speak for the rest of the night that would be so, so great. Go home and good night, everyone. Don’t forget your IRs.
Red Hood: (Background noise: song: Big Titties (feat. Baauer and EarthGang) by Rico Nasty, car) What if we get hit. By another van.
(01:50) Oracle: Just don’t do that.
Navigation:
←Back to IRIS Logs folder
On to Affiliated Resources file, Incident Report subfolder→
Incident Report Instructions:
Incidents are defined as:
- Significant injury to personnel (ie. head wounds, injuries requiring stitches, injuries requiring limited activity or recovery time, etc.).
- Any injury to (a) civilian(s) caused by personnel action or inaction.
- Significant injury to perpetrator(s) caused by personnel action or inaction.
- Accidental weapon or tool discharges.
- Damage to structures, tools, or vehicles caused by personnel with repairs totaling over $5,000.00.
- Loss of equipment.
- Near misses involving personnel, civilian(s), or perpetrator(s) (defined as any instance in which irrecoverable harm [loss of life or limb] is narrowly avoided because of personnel action or inaction).
- Dissemination of information that could lead to the compromise of civilian identities, including damage to masks.
- Interactions with police, peacekeepers, or other allied heroes that could be classified as sexual, verbal, physical harassment/assault, or inappropriate conduct.
- Failure to engage in the basic minimum of personal health to prevent severe dehydration, hunger, exhaustion, or re-injury, which results in a compromising incident in the field, such as loss of consciousness, nausea,vomiting, loss of coordination or motor skills, disorientation, and confusion.
A physical copy of the Incident Report is to be filed in the burn room, after beings scanned, uploaded, and attached to the “Affiliated Resources” file with the corresponding IRIS log. Do not leave spaces blank. If there is no applicable information available for a given prompt, write “Not Applicable,” or “N/A.” Personnel will then transcribe the incident report digitally and attach it to the “Affiliated Resources” file under the corresponding IRIS log. Incident Reports must be completed within a week after every single incident without exception, legibly, in full sentences, without editorialization, or else. Extensions will be given in cases of prescribed brain rest or other debilitating injury.
Incident Report Digital Transcription:
IR Written by: Blackbat #BGC8
Date: 11/08/2023
Date of Incident: 11/08/2023
IRIS Log Code: #IRIS1548
Location of Incident (Coordinates): Gotham
Personnel Involved: Blackbat #BGC8, Red Hood #BGC4
Civilians Involved: n/a
Police, Peacekeepers, other Allied Heroes Involved: n/a
Perpetrators Involved: n/a
Incident Type(s): Near miss
Injury Type(s): n/a
Illness Type(s): n/a
Equipment Involved: Helmet
Structures, Tools, Vehicles Damaged: ☹
Description of Incident (Provide a detailed description of the Incident): ☺
Actions Taken (Describe actions taken, including first aid, emergency procedures followed, recovery efforts, etc): ☺
Recommended Followup (Describe the steps that will be taken to resolve the Incident): ☹
Analysis (How could the Incident have been avoided? What safety equipment/regulations should be considered in the future? Has damage been done to relationships to police, peacekeepers, or other allied heroes?): ☺
Draw a diagram of the Incident. Transcribe in the digital upload: ☺
Circle to indicate impacted areas on anatomical model. Transcribe in the digital upload. Write “None” if no area was impacted: None.
Incident Report Digital Transcription:
IR Written by: Red Robin #BGC5, for Red Hood #BGC4
Date: 11/09/2023
Date of Incident: 11/08/2023
IRIS Log Code: #IRIS1548
Location of Incident (Coordinates): 39.243475, -75.124457
Personnel Involved: Red Hood #BGC4, Blackbat #BGC8
Civilians Involved: Not Applicable.
Police, Peacekeepers, other Allied Heroes Involved: Arsenal #ASC2
Perpetrators Involved: Simon Matthew Redding
Incident Type(s): Significant Injury, Accidental Discharge, Damage, Near Miss.
Injury Type(s): Grade 2 concussion, grade 2 whiplash, comminuted displaced fracture of left clavicle, Volar type Barton fracture of left wrist, transverse displaced fractures of middle and proximal phalanges in first two fingers of left hand. Oblique non-displaced fractures of ribs 7 and 8. Type 3 pilon fracture in right leg. All fractures closed. Massive bruising on left side of body.
Illness Type(s): Not applicable.
Equipment Involved: Red Hood motorcycle, Red Hood helmet, perpetrator vehicle.
Structures, Tools, Vehicles Damaged: Red Hood motorcycle, Red Hood helmet, perpetrator vehicle, one light pole on North Clinton Road, sidewalk along North Clinton Road, North Clinton Road, and the dead grass in the ditch running along the empty lot on North Clinton Road.
Description of Incident (Provide a detailed summary of the Incident): As pulled from the black box in Red Hood’s motorcycle, Red Hood was hit at the intersection of North Clinton Street and Liberty Alley going 45MPH, hit broadside on the left. Redding’s vehicle was going 50MPH. Current hypothesis- from evidence supplied by the black box, accident reconstruction, and Red Hood’s supposed level of training and reflexes, as Red Hood himself has chosen not to comment- is that Red Hood was hit while preparing to dismount from the right side of the bike, sending him up onto the hood of the vehicle and causing the upper body injuries and concussion. The initial hit caused him to lose consciousness, as he was, “all bonked up.” He was unable to control his fall, causing the pilon fracture. The crash disabled his motorcycle, displacing several pieces, including the upper side fairing that houses the tracker, later recovered in Redding’s vehicle. During first aid administered by Blackbat, it was discovered that Red Hood’s helmet contained plastic explosive (C4). Blackbat elected to ignore verbal instructions on safe removal from Arsenal (#ASC2) and threw the helmet 40 feet away from them, where it then exploded, causing damage to the sidewalk, road, ground, upending a light pole, and setting off the alarms of 2 fleet vehicles parked nearby (Weatherbee Plumbing & Heating), the security systems of 3 nearby buildings (V Made Incorporated, Gotham Sheet Metal, Weatherbee Plumbing & Heating), and alerting a group of 4 German tourists, who called 911, but did not see the incident.
Actions Taken (Describe actions taken, including first aid, emergency procedures followed, recovery efforts, etc): Blackbat was dispatched to respond and administer first aid. SOAP note available in affiliated resources file. Blackbat successfully used her cape to shield herself and Red Hood from the helmet explosion. Structural damage report available in affiliated resources file. Red Robin and Spoiler were dispatched to provide transport for Red Hood to the clinic for further treatment. Medical report available in affiliated resources file. Red Robin elected to stay behind to successfully collect all identifiable pieces of tech. Tech damage report and specs available in affiliated resources file. Photos of crash site and explosion available in affiliated resources file. Oracle disabled the security systems prior to notification of emergency services, and redirected the 911 call. Batman (#BGC0) and Robin (#BGC9) arrested Redding outside of City Beef. Arrest report and other information on Redding available in affiliated resources file.
Recommended Followup (Describe the steps that will be taken to resolve the Incident): Most followup completed. All identifiable pieces of Red Hood’s motorcycle and helmet have been found. Redding has gone through booking and is awaiting bail. Tourists were transported away from the scene. Emergency services were alerted to the explosion once personnel had cleared the scene and left the area. Red Hood is on brain rest and will be benched until medically cleared.
Analysis (How could the Incident have been avoided? What safety equipment/regulations should be considered in the future? Has damage been done to relationships to police, peacekeepers, or other allied heroes?): Incident could have been avoided by using safe driving practices (looking down intersections prior to blowing through them at 45MPH in a 30MPH zone), as well as not storing plastic explosives in one’s helmet. Arsenal is probably annoyed. For future considerations, Red Hood stated that there could be “better goddamn drivers ed in this goddamn clown shoes city.” However, Redding is a Massachusetts resident, and has been since birth. Red Hood, a longtime resident of Gotham, received his learners permit, but notably dropped out of his drivers education class at age 15. He has not obtained a legal drivers license since, nor a license to operate a motorcycle.
Draw a diagram of the Incident. Transcribe in the digital upload: Hood taking the turn on North Clinton with Redding’s vehicle exiting Liberty upon the moment of impact, as seen from above, with arrows to provide directional cues. The ditch he landed in is symbolized by a line and the word “ditch” in all capitals. There is an X to mark where he landed. I have listed “goes over hood of car”, “airborne”, and “bad landing” below the diagram. Medium: sharpie, takeout bag, the last shit I had to give.
Circle to indicate impacted areas on anatomical model. Transcribe in the digital upload. Write “None” if no area was impacted:
Anatomical model with big red circles around the upper body (including head and neck, excluding left arm) and a smaller red circle around the left leg. Circles are mirrored on the front and back views of the model.
Navigation:
←Back to IRIS log #1548
On to Affiliated Resources file→
/access file(irislog.1548.backups) code #BGC0
>Welcome, #BGC0. What would you like to do?
/delete file(irislog.1548.backups)
>Confirm: delete file “IRIS Log #1548”? Input Y/N.
/Y
>Enter Password
/08161969
>Enter Password
/04271985
>Error.
>A note from ORACLE, benevolent creator:
>Hi Jason! So good to see you’re off of brain rest, physically mobile, and thinking clearly enough to guess B’s passcodes! Unfortunately, nobody is allowed to delete this IRIS log, not you, not B, not god. So sorry! However, since you’re so desperate for activities, there is a backlog of about 200 missing incident reports for you to do if you would like to poke around in those instead. Have a most excellent day!
/fuck you.
>A note from ORACLE, benevolent creator:
>Who’s your daddy.