Work Text:
The following is a transcript from the cutting-room-floor-archives of the podcast, “The Children’s Fun Fact Science Corner”, taken from episode 235, “Fun With Current Events”. Some portions have been edited for clarity, or censored to maintain a PG-rating. None of the following aired publicly.
CORNEIL: Hey there fact finders, and welcome back to The Children’s Fun Fact Science Corner with IPR. I’m your host, Tobi Corneil.
ROSARITA: And I’m Jeric Rosarita. Tobi, tell me something new you learned today.
CORNEIL: Well, it’s about nine in the morning here in D.C. so there hasn’t been a ton of time, but I did learn that those beautiful cherry blossom petals outside our studio window are, in fact, edible!
ROSARITA: Wow! The whole thing, or just the petals?
CORNEIL: Oh, just the petals. To any parents listening, please do not let your kiddos put their chompers on a tree.
ROSARITA: Very good to know. Speaking of sage advice, part of the fun of doing this show is getting to learn something new and fascinating every week and passing it on to you guys! And it also means that we get to bring in some super cool special science guests to talk about what they do.
CORNEIL: Fact finders, today we have not just one but two special science guests with us! They’re scientists working for the Pan-Pacific Defense Corps: Dr. Hermann Gottlieb, and uh– Dr., Dr., Dr., Dr. Dr., Dr. Newton Geiszler. Wow, I didn’t even know you could get six PhDs.
GOTTLIEB: Most would be too sane to dare.
GEISZLER: Great start, Hermann; I don’t know why they don’t let you do these more often.
GOTTLIEB: I have asked you to refer to me in public as–
GEISZLER: Oh my God, do not lecture me about professionalism when that was the first thing you said on-air.
ROSARITA: Uh– actually, guys, this is a podcast–
CORNIEL: (quietly) Just drop it; they briefed us; just drop it and we’ll edit it all out later. (in a normal speaking voice) Okay! Dr. Geiszler and Dr. Gottlieb, thank you so much for coming on the show to share with our young listeners what you guys do in the K-Science division. Do you want to talk a little bit about what each of you do?
GEISZLER/GOTTLIEB: Yeah, I–/Yes, I–
CORNEIL: Alphabetically! We’ll go alphabetically. Dr. Geiszler, you first.
GEISZLER: Okay, cool. Well, to grossly oversimplify–
GOTTLIEB: (quietly) A first.
GEISZLER: Hermann, I am [BLEEP]ing talking. Can you guys mute him? Is there a mute button?
ROSARITA: You two are speaking into the same microphone, in the same room, so… no.
GEISZLER: [BLEEP], okay, well– whatever.
ROSARITA: Also, we would like to remind you both that this is a children’s program, so if we could keep the language kid-friendly, please?
GEISZLER: Yeah, yeah of course. Anyway, my job is working with Kaiju. Not live ones, although that would be really, really cool– Hermann, I can see you rolling your eyes– and studying them so that, when the Rangers go out to fight them, they know what they’re up against and can do it safer and better. It’s the same reason we study illnesses: so that, when you’re sick, doctors can get better and faster at treating them. My job involves a lot of dissection, examining and testing samples from what pieces we’re able to recover after the Kaiju are taken down, and watching fights as they happen to see how the Kaiju work when they’re alive.
CORNEIL: That’s really neat, thank you! Dr. Gottlieb, you’re a physicist, right? How does that fit into fighting the Kaiju?
GOTTLIEB: Yes, well, specifically in this context I am a theoretical physicist with a specialization in quantum mechanics.
GEISZLER: Hermann, these are kids. They’re not gonna know what any of that means.
GOTTLIEB: And how would you know?
GEISZLER: Because I was, like, a college professor for several years? And actually had to teach people what I know instead of just spouting off a bunch of niche, hypertechnical jargon understandable to a total of three other tweed-addicts?
[A long, shaky sigh from CORNEIL.]
GOTTLIEB: Just because we are speaking to young children does not mean we need to talk down to them. I was absorbing Kaku’s thesis on superstring theory before I learned to tie my shoelaces–
GEISZLER: Yeah, that’s not the win you think it is.
ROSARITA: Dr. Gottlieb, our audience might appreciate a little simpler explanation.
GEISZLER: See?
GOTTLIEB: He’s not agreeing with you. (to ROSARITA) Are you agreeing with him?
ROSARITA: Wh- no, I’m just trying to make sure we’re being accessible to–
GOTTLIEB: You should never do that, you know. Give this man an inch of encouragement, and next thing you know he’ll be wanting to drift with a–
GEISZLER: I’m still developing that theory, and also shut the [BLEEP] up!
CORNEIL: Okay, guys?
GOTTLIEB: No no, let them make an informed decision regarding whether or not they want a man positing that kind of ridiculous and dangerous–
GEISZLER: Oh you’re calling me ridiculous–
ROSARITA: (to CORNEIL) He was clipping for that entire sentence. I didn’t know you could do that at a gain set that low.
CORNIEL: Jeric, I don’t think that voice goes below the eight kilohertz frequency range.
ROSARITA: Can Mark fix it in post?
CORNEIL: What “post”? We can’t air any of this.
GOTTLIEB: And yet another thing–!