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Jimin is twelve the first time she sees two girls kissing.
She’s twelve, and she figures out that her parents can't hear her when she sneaks out of her room in the middle of the night to watch TV. She’s breaking curfew, but they’re none the wiser, never suspecting that their good little Mimi would develop a rebellious streak. But she did, and she watches movies for adults, movies with action and shooting and swearing and kissing, and learns everything she should and shouldn't.
A lot of movies talk about girls kissing. Or, maybe not a lot of them, but Jimin notices. She notices it every time.
Notices the jokes about experimenting in college. About a guy sleeping with two girls at the same time. Notices the chick fights, the way the men in the movies would always share a knowing look, drink their beers, and enjoy the scenery. Two pretty girls going at it, usually sweaty or wet or half-naked. Jimin likes those scenes too.
But nothing prepares her for when, after all that talk about girls kissing, after all the jokes, there it is. Filling up the screen. Two ladies, eyes closed, their glossed lips rubbing against each other suggestively. Zoomed in and sparing no details.
And Jimin forgets the rest of the movie in an instant. Couldn't tell you what it was about for all the money in the world. She has half a mind to look over her shoulder, check that no one is coming down the hallway, that no one will see what she's watching, but something keeps her eyes fixed firmly on the screen. The shot changes, to a group of men reacting to the kiss: shocked, surprised, aroused, happy, but Jimin, Jimin can't wait for it to cut back to the girls. When they pull away, their lips are both shiny with spit, and one of the girls bites down, flirty, cocky, saying something snarky to the boys, while the other swipes her tongue out, reaching for her purse to fix her lipstick, and Jimin can't watch anymore.
She shuts the TV off hastily, embarrassed, and runs to her room.
Before dawn comes, she convinces herself that that's normal to do, for girls. Girl friendships are just like that. Casual and intimate. And one day, maybe, probably– Jimin will get to do it too.
Her heart beats faster in her chest whenever she thinks about it.
She grows up wanting nothing more than a girl best friend, really.
She’s not unpopular in middle school; people like her. Girls greet her in the hallways, even if she doesn’t know them that well. They all share gossip and phone charms and hair ties and candy with her with no reservations. But it’s nothing profound. Nothing that goes beyond being in the same place at the same time, not by choice.
But all the books she reads, with their flowery depictions of teenage girlhood, and the cartoons she watches, the ones that are pink and sparkly and magical– they all talk about how special it is. Having a girl best friend.
Someone she could confide in, someone who'd be there to share all the pains of adolescence with her. Someone to have sleepovers with, braid each other's hair, talk periods and makeup and sex and pimples and… boys. Once it came to that.
One person, just for her.
That's who she sets out to find, going into highschool. And she wishes for it so bad, is so thoroughly convinced it will happen, that she's not surprised in the slightest when the universe throws Kim Taehyung into her lap.
She’s early on the first day. She needs to have dibs on the best seat in the classroom, which is, of course, right in front of the teacher. She’s already planning to do all the extracurriculars possible, and she’s nervous, but also excited! She has on her cutest strawberry hairband, and she feels confident in her makeup, even though it’s just the mascara and lipgloss her parents let her buy. Well, and the eyeliner her aunt snuck her for her birthday. She’s determined to greet everyone who comes in, make a good first impression, and have a great jump-start on her high school education.
She can do this, she chants, fiddling with a pen.
All sorts of people start entering the classroom after she settles in. Disarrayed kids, looking nervously around them and not saying ‘hi’ back. Kids that already look like seniors, Jimin thinks, boys a head taller than her and girls with sharp cheekbones and long, manicured nails. Some are already in groups or pairs, hailing from the same middle-schools, or maybe neighbors, and Jimin tries not to feel jealous. She’ll have that one day. She will.
She’s so focused on her people watching, keeping a smile, determined to be friendly, determined to be liked, that she's caught completely off guard by a presence showing up, out of nowhere, right in front of her desk.
Jimin startles. The figure, appearing from thin air, stands menacingly, body taking up Jimin's entire eyeline– and she has to drag her gaze up, up– until she's met with
Her.
Long limbs. That’s the first thing Jimin notices. Long, lithe legs, that stretch for miles in a pair of white stockings. A uniform that fits just a bit loose and unkempt, a size too big, perhaps, almost as if borrowed from an older sibling. Long, pin-straight black hair, with two colorful clips haphazardly holding some pieces back. Golden, tan skin, and lips that stretch into the most beautiful boxy smile Jimin has ever seen. Her breath is stolen from her, and she struggles to formulate words when the presence speaks.
"Hi! Is this seat taken?"
So simple. Such a normal thing to say. Yet Jimin feels thrown for a loop, unable to remember how a simple social interaction goes, and is left staring dumbly, mouth open like a fish.
She gulps. She's still seated, but the other girl seems so much bigger– taller, more confident, more mature than Jimin, and Jimin, for all the envy she should feel, just finds herself impressed. Craving. Wanting.
Wanting to get to know this girl.
She shakes her head quickly when she realizes the question, halted brain finally kicking in.
"No! Um. No, go right ahead," she fumbles, pulling out the chair next to hers, and the girl plants down easily, backpack flung onto the desk in front of them.
A quick glance around the classroom tells Jimin most of the seats are taken already. A look at the clock says the bell should be ringing any second now.
She wants to turn to the girl next to her, but her eyes refuse to cooperate, landing instead on all the stuff messily spilling out of her backpack. A gameboy console. Too many snacks for one person. An energy drink. And a single notebook.
Jimin almost laughs at how endearing it is. And here she was, worrying if a 12-pack of colored pencils would be enough or not.
"I'm Kim Taehyung," the girl says, offering her hand for a handshake, snapping Jimin out of her musings, and that's when Jimin knows.
She's fucked.
"Park Jimin," she remembers her manners in time to say. And then just stares at Taehyung, bug-eyed, like a creep who was let out into society for the first time. Get a grip, Jimin.
"Nice," Taehyung grins, unswayed. "I like your headband," she gestures. "Strawberries."
Jimin reaches up a hand to touch, confused. And, oh. Yeah. The pattern has tiny pink and red fruits on it. Childish, maybe. So stupid. She blushes, but–
"Oh."
Taehyung is pointing at her backpack. Off the side of it, attached by a key ring, hangs a wonderfully silly strawberry, with small bead eyes and a smile, and it makes Jimin smile in turn.
"Cute," she says shyly, and means it.
Taehyung nods enthusiastically. "Strawberries are my favorite. My grandparents run a strawberry farm. Ah–" she catches herself. "I shouldn’t have said that."
"Why not?" Jimin frowns when Taehyung does. "I think that’s awesome. I like strawberries too." And then, immediately putting her foot in her mouth, "My lipgloss is strawberry flavored."
A silence befalls them.
Jimin realizes too late what it sounds like. Like all of those innuendos she thought no one actually said in real life. She blushes, praying Taehyung didn’t catch on, but knowing by the amused look on her face, she did.
She reaches quickly into the pocket of her bag and pulls out the offending object, all but shoving it under Taehyung’s nose. And indeed, it’s strawberry scented. Something Jimin is pretty sure she’ll associate with Taehyung for the rest of her life.
Taehyung smiles, looking at Jimin. She’s so calm, relaxed, not at all like Jimin, who feels like a colony of ants is milling about under her skin. She leans in, holds Jimin’s hand with her own to hold the tube of lipgloss steady, and Jimin feels her heart giving out when Taehyung’s exhale puffs against her skin.
"Nice," Taehyung says, pulling away, and Jimin finally feels like she can breathe again.
Nice. Good, calm, normal. Jimin can get through her first day of school without making a complete fool out of herself.
"Let's be friends," she blurts out.
Well.
There goes that plan.
Taehyung, thankfully, doesn't find it weird. Thankfully, she laughs. Hearty and full, making Jimin feel all warm on the inside.
Thankfully, she smiles at Jimin, eyes honey sweet, and honestly says,
"I'd like that, Jimin."
And the rest is history.
It’s fated, probably, Jimin thinks. Written in the stars somewhere. Jimin and Taehyung, best friends forever, platonic soulmates, born to find each other, born to be together.
Because they fit. They just fit. Like all of Jimin’s dreams and childhood fantasies, like all the books she's read and cartoons she's watched, they fit together like puzzle pieces, like yin and yang, like the sun and the moon. BFFs.
Jimin is maybe a bit aggressive with it at first, but subtlety was never her stronger side. When she wants something, she goes out and gets it, and in this case, 'it' is Taehyung. They commute home together after school, living a subway station apart, to Jimin’s great pleasure. She learns that Taehyung moved up from Geochang recently, as opposed to Jimin’s already four years in Seoul from Busan, and she’s immediately elated with the idea of showing Taehyung around. Taehyung seems just as enthusiastic, and they have a plan set in motion by the time Jimin has to exit the metro.
As the train pulls to a stop, she hesitates for just a second, then surges in to hug Taehyung around the shoulders. Why not, right? Girls can be touchy. Girls can hug in public.
Taehyung responds easily, if surprised, and squeezes around Jimin’s waist, just once, before letting her go. Jimin can’t hold back a grin so wide it makes her eyes scrunch up, and they wave at each other through the glass doors until the cart moves on, leaving Taehyung out of sight.
Jimin sighs.
Happy. She’s happy.
By the end of the first semester, they’re inseparable. They visit all of Jimin’s favorite places, Jimin giddy and Taehyung pliant, and in the long days they spend together it becomes apparent– Taehyung is, beyond expectation, Jimin's perfect match.
Soft where Jimin is hard, tough where Jimin is loose. Tomboyish where Jimin is girly. And that’s okay! Jimin is a firm believer that everyone should be what they want to be.
It just so happens that Jimin enjoys being a 'stereotypical' girl most of all.
From the moment she learned that girls are seen as the 'weaker' gender, that 'girly' is used as an insult, Jimin was determined to prove everyone wrong. She is no weaker than any boy just because she couldn’t wait to step into her first pair of high heels, get her hands on some makeup, and do her hair up all pretty. She can kick ass in sport, be outspoken and loud and assertive and top of her class, and still be feminine, because girls can do anything and be anything they want, Jimin thinks.
There's a lot to hate about being a girl, but Jimin loves it. She grows up surrounded by all things pink, cutesy, and perfumed, and wears it as a badge of honor. She spends her childhood years yearning to grow up and become a woman; She looks at all the celebrities on TV and in magazines, longing to be like them one day, pretty, with long, soft hair, and full, pink lips, and tight, shapely dresses. Pretty, pretty, pretty.
But Taehyung is just as pretty, even when she doesn’t look the way society wants her to. Because she does her own thing. Unashamed and undeterred.
Taehyung, who makes faces when Jimin offers her her lipsticks to try. Who stares at Jimin doing her eyeliner in awe, and proclaims she could never. Who owns exactly two skirts that aren’t school uniforms, both of them floor-length and eccentric. High-fashion, she calls them. Jimin rolls her eyes, not getting it, but when some peers snicker at her when they’re at Lotte World, Jimin all but snarls at them. Only she is allowed to make fun of Taehyung.
Because she gets it. Gets that a face like Taehyung’s doesn’t need any makeup. That a body like hers would look good in a trash bag. That she doesn’t need manicures and luxury handbags and delicate jewelry to look good. Because she’s the most beautiful girl Jimin has ever seen, even in baggy cargo pants, with small black gauges in her ears, and a dozen game cartridges littering her room where any other teenage girl would have a bucketful of skincare.
Jimin gets it. And she feels extremely privileged to have a best friend as pretty as Taehyung. Feels elated, when she looks at their reflection in a store window and sees how different they are, and how they fit together despite that.
Opposites attract, right?
Jimin, the extrovert, gets to know everyone in their year quickly. She knows exactly who to call for notes in math and who is secretly an idol trainee at a famous agency. She’s well-liked, invited to birthdays, hangouts, but it’s all skin deep. Because she has Taehyung to be truly close to. And it’s more than enough.
Taehyung, the introvert, who is more reserved, largely uninterested in making friends that aren’t Jimin. All of Jimin’s friends become hers by association, anyways, and the arrangement works for them. The school gets to know them as attached by the hip, never too far from one another, and the first question they both get if seen alone is, predictably, "Where’s your other half?"
Jimin has to fight back a smile every time.
There’s a wall around Taehyung. Self-protection. She has a certain way of thinking, connecting things, a certain way of expressing herself, and Jimin is proud to be the only one who can understand her effortlessly. Kids don’t take kindly to people who are different, and Taehyung confesses to Jimin about the looks she would get in middle school– never bullying, but certainly ostracizing, making her wary of friendship– and Jimin is even more glad she was allowed in.
Jimin cracks her way beyond Taehyung’s walls, until they are all but inseparable. Until they, as fated, become best friends, share everything, until Jimin is the only one who understands all Taehyung's idiosyncrasies and Taehyung is the only one Jimin can be truly herself with, uncaring about how she’s being perceived. Because she knows Taehyung will not leave her, no matter what.
A lot of things change during their four years of high school. Jimin, the social butterfly, flits from one friendship group to another, Taehyung following along, and they all come and go. But never Taehyung and Jimin. Never their bond.
They grow together. Taehyung, literally, widening the height gap between them until she can use Jimin's head as an armrest. Jimin, in other ways. Filling out, weight gain that she would be unhappy about if it didn't mean, well–
Boobs.
And the attention it brings her.
From boys.
Boys, with their stares and clumsy attempts at flirting and the way they make life generally… interesting.
Jimin revels in it. Every letter and sweet gesture, every sleazy douchebag at a party asking for a squeeze, Jimin keeps Taehyung updated on all her potential conquests, and they both get a good laugh out of them, rolling around in their beds during their sleepovers, blushing and teasing and slapping each other in mortification. It’s Jimin’s favorite thing.
Even though it’s always just her talking. Taehyung never seems interested, never has any crushes, never talks about any boys approaching her, even though Jimin knows half the school would die if she even gave them a spare glance. How could they not?
But Taehyung doesn’t pursue boys, and that means they're too young for anything serious, still, surely. So Jimin doesn’t either, reassured.
Except they're both 16, itching on 17, when Jimin overhears a conversation on the school yard.
"Park Jimin? That prude?"
She stops in her tracks before they can spot her.
It's one of the delinquent boys she's been warned to stay away from. He and his buddy are sneaking smokes behind the gym building, and Jimin, as class president, should really go tell them off. But hearing her own name makes her curious. There’s nothing wrong with a little school gossip. Even if it’s about her.
"Nah, bro. I heard she never puts out. You're wasting your time."
Puts out? Jimin frowns, clutching her books to her chest.
"Damn shame, too. That body–" The boy makes a rawring sound, and they both laugh, slimey and obnoxious. It makes Jimin cringe, fingers curling of their own volition.
"I know, right? What I wouldn't give to get my hands on her. Little slut." He sighs, and Jimin hears him taking a drag of his cigarette.
She gulps. She knows she should feel violated, should feel disgusted, but, instead, she feels…
Validated?
Good?
She spends most nights cursing her own reflection in the mirror, chubby cheeks and uneven eyes and crooked front tooth, so to know that she's desired? Wanted? Lusted over? Even though she has received confessions before, been asked out a few times… Brings a sick sense of satisfaction to her stomach.
She bites her lip. Should she be accepting the confessions? Making herself more available?
"Urgh. We need to find a way to crack her," one of the boys complains. Jimin strains her ears to hear better.
"Tough luck, dude. She's always hanging with that Taehyung dy–"
The bell rings, and Jimin doesn't hear any more, besides the stomping of their feet as they rush to their next class, but it doesn't matter, anyways.
Boys want her. They think she's a prude. Which means that other girls must be doing all of that stuff already. And she's the exception. She's the odd one out. She’s fallen behind her peers. Gotten too sloppy, too inexperienced. She needs to catch up, and quickly.
Maybe they're right. Maybe she does spend too much time with Taehyung. Maybe, if she didn’t, the need for a boyfriend would be more pressing. But she's going to prove them wrong. She can keep her best friend, and do everything other girls are doing with boys.
And she knows exactly who she needs to ask for help.
Ever since Jimin learned that girls could kiss each other, as long as it was a joke, or to entertain, or to practice, when she was twelve and had no interest in icky boys yet, she had a clear plan set in place. To make the whole transition into adulthood easier.
"Kiss you?" Taehyung repeats when Jimin says it, eyebrows rising into her bangs, mouth pulling into a frown, uncharacteristically expressive. She wasn’t expecting it.
They're in Jimin's room, as they so often are after school, neglecting homework and playing games, and Jimin has had butterflies in her stomach all day. Since she woke up and decided today was the day she was going to ask Taehyung for help with her first kiss.
Popping her kiss cherry, so to speak.
She’s ready to finally step her foot in the dating pool. Finally become a real girl and get a boyfriend. And as nervous as that makes her, a heavy rock settling in her stomach at the thought, she knows it must be done.
Knows that, as scary as it seems, doing it for the first time with Taehyung will make everything okay. And then she’ll be good to go. Ready for a real kiss, but without all the awkward fumbling bound to happen with a first kiss. Jimin doesn’t want to embarrass herself in front of a boy like that; doesn't want to seem inexperienced, or weak.
She has no qualms about doing the same in front of Taehyung.
Taehyung is different. Taehyung won’t make fun of her. Or leave her.
Hopefully.
"Yeah!" Jimin says enthusiastically, enthusiasm she isn’t feeling, but is wholly prepared to fake until she makes it. "Like, you haven't had your first kiss yet, either, right? This could be great practice for both of us! So we don't embarrass ourselves when we finally get with boys. Right?"
"Um…" Taehyung trails off, looking at Jimin weirdly. "Right."
"Come on! Don't tell me you're a prude," Jimin teases, echoing the word she's heard thrown around so easily. She's not sure if it will have any effect on Taehyung, but.
It has an effect on Jimin. And she will make damn sure not to be labeled as such.
She's progressive, God damn it, and proud of it. She'd choose being a slut over being a prude any day. The world needs to realize that there's nothing wrong with female sexuality, and if she has to take one for the team to prove her point, then so be it. She knows that there is nothing wrong with masturbating, with dressing however she wants, nothing wrong with wanting to kiss and date and have sex, and definitely nothing wrong with enlisting her friend to help her practice all of the above. Because they're both girls, and both in the same boat fighting oppression, and she doesn't have to feel any pressure or awkwardness when it's just Taehyung.
Taehyung, who, to Jimin's delight, takes no longer than a few seconds to think about it, then simply says,
"Okay."
Jimin doesn't hold back a delighted Whoop!, launching herself across the bed to hug Taehyung as tight as possible in gratitude. Taehyung laughs, but catches her, and they both fall back onto Jimin’s bed, sending half a dozen stuffed animals flying. Jimin doesn’t mind.
Taehyung's dressed down yet fashionable, as she always is, in a shirt Jimin's pretty sure is from the men's section at Walmart, three sizes too big on her, and sleek trousers that do not go with it at all. She's beautiful, natural, herself, just like she is every day, and some might say that a first kiss shouldn't happen like this. On an unremarkable day, in an unremarkable setting, plan haphazardly thrown together with romance not in the mix at all.
But Jimin doesn't think of it that way. Because, she tells herself, it's not her first kiss. It doesn't count, because they're just girl best friends, and this is what girl best friends do. It’s fine. It’s just lips on lips, how complicated could it be?
Her heart, unwittingly, starts beating faster in her chest. She stares at Taehyung, stares at Taehyung's lips, imagines what having them on her own will feel like. Should she have eaten a mint before this? Will she taste like the kimbap they shared after school? Will Taehyung find her disgusting? Will she be a bad kisser?
Nerves, Jimin thinks, and tries to shake them off. It's just Taehyung. Just her best friend. She’s safe here. She won’t be judged.
"Okay, I'm… I'm just gonna–" She puts her clammy hands on Taehyung's cheeks, hesitating for just a second before her palms make contact with the warm, soft skin.
Taehyung's gaze is heavy, somehow. Eyes lidded, staring down at Jimin. Jimin feels her own face heating up under the weight of it. She’s blushing, she knows– pink all over, up to her ears. Taehyung always teases about it.
Not today. Today, Taehyung is uncharacteristically quiet, agreeable, and willing to let Jimin take the reins. She sits there, patiently, watching Jimin work through her nerves, and waiting for Jimin to take the next step. Whatever it may be.
She smells nice, Jimin registers. Like laundry detergent, and overly sweet perfume, and underneath that, her natural scent, musk and sweat, which Jimin doesn't mind at all. Not like she thought she would.
And then it's just them, face to face, in the dry silence of Jimin's childhood bedroom. Surrounded by posters and magazine cutouts and all these bits of her that she would feel the need to hide were she with anyone other than Taehyung. But she’s not. It's Taehyung, beautiful, confident Taehyung, who let Jimin force herself into the position of best friend, and never complained once. Taehyung, who stares silently, waiting for Jimin to kiss her.
It hits Jimin that it’s happening. It’s really happening. Now. She’s had no time to mentally prepare, and even though she was the one to suggest this, she’s caught unawares. You spend years planning something, hoping it would happen, and then one day, it’s about to, and you’re just–
Jimin doesn't let it deter her, despite what her trembling fingers might say. Stubborn, headstrong, she ignores her nervousness, ignores the nagging voice in the back of her head telling her she should be freaking out right now–
Forces down a gulp, steels herself, and presses in to smash her lips against Taehyung's.
…
It's not much.
It's not much, but Jimin's heart stutters to a stop, and the moment stretches, as if frozen in time, nothing but her and Taehyung and their lips touching.
Jimin likes it more than she should.
Taehyung doesn't move. Just stays soft and pliant, letting Jimin set the pace, letting her get accustomed to it. Them kissing. They’re kissing. Jimin is hyper-focused on the way their lips slot together; imperfect, Taehyung's wider and Jimin's thicker, but still, somehow, it works.
They fit.
Like a kettle boiling over, Jimin gets overwhelmed all at once, and when she pulls away, looking anywhere but Taehyung's eyes, it's weird, but it's not awkward. They laugh, after a second of silence, in sync, Taehyung's breath puffing against Jimin's chin, and Jimin really ought to get her heart under control, the way it's constricting in her chest, making it hard to breathe, to think.
Taehyung's eyes are hooded when she bites her lip and asks, softly,
"Wanna try again?"
So Jimin nods, and moves, pressing back in, nails scratching the hair at the base of Taehyung's neck, as Taehyung's hands find Jimin's waist, pulling her onto her lap, giving Jimin that much of a height advantage.
They take it further this time, Jimin, brave, sticking her tongue out in a kittenish lick, and Taehyung, sweet, nonchalant, taking her in, soft, slow, warm and wet, and they fumble together, awkward until it’s not, when they find a rhythm and it becomes perfect.
They explore each other's mouths, every inch, every nook and cranny, for minutes, hours… the rest of the afternoon. They’re at it for so long Jimin's pretty sure her mouth gets sore at one point, but it’s hard to pay attention to earthly sensations when Taehyung leans in and sucks her tongue into her mouth, like she’s sucking on a popsicle. Jimin is so close to letting out a moan, but she holds back. It takes every ounce of strength in her body, but she holds back.
Okay, so maybe she doesn’t hold back that much. Because every time Taehyung moves to end it, pulling away for longer and longer, spewing excuses on how it’s getting late, how she should be getting home, Jimin pulls her back in, greedy. Too into it to be anything other than shameless. Already halfway addicted to the taste of Taehyung.
Or, no, not her, Jimin rectifies. Kissing in general. It’s addictive, she finds. It’s good. It’s great. She had nothing to worry about, after all. She can't wait to do more of it.
With different people.
Yup.
She finally lets Taehyung go, when she's deemed both their kissing skills as honed as they're gonna get them on the first day, and when she looks outside the window, the sky’s already dark. It’s almost summer.
Well, practice makes perfect, Jimin reasons. Now they’re both prepared. And won't embarrass themselves with guys. Which is all Jimin wanted to ensure.
She has trouble falling asleep that night, after Taehyung leaves, lips swollen and bruised.
She’s strung up, like the day before a school trip. Replaying the kisses in her mind like a movie, blushing, something heavy settling in her lower stomach. Constricting around her chest.
Kissing is going to be even better with a boy, she thinks. She hopes.
By the time they graduate, Jimin has done everything on her bucket list of first times, and then some.
She dates a couple of boys, kisses a few more than that; gets taken out on dates, kissed under the bleachers; receives flowers and letters in her locker, and gets felt up in the library. Gets to every base there is, before hitting the home run.
Her first kiss, first real kiss, is terrible.
It's kind of her fault, for saying yes to the first guy brave enough to ask, but in her defense, it was only a few days after she and Taehyung practiced, and Jimin was growing antsy. Plagued by thoughts– no, memories– of Taehyung. Taehyung’s lips on hers. Hands on her. Tongue in her.
She shivers.
When the boy kisses her, it’s awful. Maybe it’s just the fact that he’s less experienced, which is a weird thing to say considering Jimin is only one day ahead of him, but it’s true. He’s unattentive, too concerned with what feels good to him, and slobbers all over Jimin’s chin, to the point where she has to wipe her mouth with the back of her sleeve when they pull away.
He tells her 'I love you' immediately after it’s over. Jimin is so disgusted she never speaks to him again.
She tells Taehyung all about it that very night, and by the end, Taehyung is crying laughing. Jimin smiles, thinking it was all worth it, if only to get that kind of response from her.
And perhaps, Jimin asks Taehyung for a quick kiss to get the taste of him out of her mouth. Perhaps, Taehyung agrees.
She doesn’t kiss Taehyung a lot after the first time. It just happens.
When they’re bored. When they're playing spin the bottle at a party. When they're being dared to on the school yard. It makes her feel a bit like a circus act, but it's not a bad thing. Girls kiss girls, and an audience shows up. It's how it's supposed to be.
She loses her virginity to a jock, as fate would have it, on prom night. They’ve been dating for a few months, and he’s been dropping not-so-subtle hints, to the point where even Jimin’s parents suggest she have the house to herself for the night. Goddamn progressive traditionalist traitors.
It’s not bad, not by any stretch of the imagination. Her boyfriend is a bit airheaded, a bit dumb, but he treats her well, treats her kindly, perhaps even loves her, but all Jimin can think about as he thrusts into her for the first time, wet with lube and a little bit uncomfortable, is whether she should have asked Taehyung to touch her first. To practice.
It’s not bad. But she ends up sobbing, breaking down into tears the second he falls asleep, barely holding herself together enough to put on shoes and make the trek to Taehyung’s house, on foot, in her pajamas, in the middle of the night. At least no one is around to see her. See the way she squeezes her thighs together because it hurts.
It doesn’t hurt. She’s just being dramatic. She’s sore, is all. Sore.
Taehyung opens the door, Jimin knocking confidently because she knows Taehyung’s aunt sleeps like the dead, and she’s confused until she sees Jimin’s face, wet with tears, and lets her in without a word.
Jimin collapses against her, Taehyung’s sturdy arms coming around to cradle her head. She sobs. Sobs like never before, wet and snotty, right into Taehyung’s neck, not sane enough to be embarrassed by it. Taehyung is still in the suit she wore to prom, tall and handsome and beautiful, everyone’s attention on her, but she’s alone right now, and she’s here, and she’s Jimin’s rock. Always has been.
"Did he hurt you?" she asks, whispering it into Jimin’s hair, but with an undertone of rage, and Jimin knows that if she says yes, Taehyung would kill him. In cold blood.
But he didn’t. He didn’t. He made her come, and everything. Jimin enjoyed herself. There’s really no reason for her to be acting like this right now.
And yet she can’t stop.
She shakes her head, forehead scratching against Taehyung’s shoulder.
"Oh, baby, what’s wrong then?" Taehyung asks, making Jimin whine out another sob. Something about the nickname. Something about not knowing what’s wrong. "Did it not feel good?"
Jimin shakes her head again. But her fingers squeeze into Taehyung’s back, and her knees, where she’s sitting on the floor cradled sideways, bump together, and that seems to be enough to clue Taehyung in.
"Are you feeling… guilty?"
Fuck.
Jimin nods her head yes, yes, that’s the word for what she’s feeling, even though it makes no sense and she doesn’t know why she’s feeling it, she is. She feels terrible, awful, used and abused and guilty.
Guilty.
"Oh, but baby." Taehyung presses a kiss to Jimin’s head, stroking a hand over her hair. "You know there’s nothing wrong with having sex, right? Virginity is a social construct. You’re no different for having done it. Not really."
Jimin cries harder, because she knows. She knows, knows it’s normal, knows everyone does it; knows she liked it enough that she’ll want to do it again. But her hormones are raging, for whatever reason, and she can’t help feeling that something– something is wrong about this situation. Something is not the way it should be.
"I feel–" she sniffles into Taehyung’s neck. Throat rubbed raw from crying. "I feel empty. But I don’t want– not like– I feel hollowed out. Drained."
"That’s okay," Taehyung assures, rocking her gently back and forth. "That’s alright, honey. Whatever you’re feeling right now– it’s okay. We’ll work through it, okay? Maybe after getting some sleep?"
Jimin sniffles, then nods.
"Alright, come." Taehyung pulls her up by the hand. "I’d carry you, but–"
But she’s famously lazy when it comes to fitness and healthy eating, and every time they’re at the gym/dance lesson/PE together, Taehyung spends all of her time just chatting with Jimin, distracting her. It makes Jimin laugh now. She lets herself be dragged up the stairs.
"You want anything?" Taehyung asks as they go. "Tea? Chocolate? Numbing cream? Plan B?"
"We used condoms," she slaps Taehyung on the arm lightly. Because of course they did. Jimin is too careful to make a mistake like that. "And no. I just want to pass out."
"Okay," Taehyung says.
They get settled into Taehyung’s twin bed– Taehyung changing quickly and efficiently into a ratty old shirt and pajama shorts, joining Jimin with all the elegance of an elephant getting into a fridge, but it’s alright. Jimin loves it.
The bed shakes, until it doesn’t, and they’re snuggled under the blankets, warm, listening to the faint buzz of the ancient computer in the room and the wiggle of Taehyung’s toes against the sheets.
"I want you to know that I don’t think of you any differently today than I did yesterday," she tells Jimin. Barely a whisper, really, but nothing more than that is needed, considering how close they are. Limb to limb. Heartbeat to heartbeat. "The fact that you had sex means nothing. Says nothing about you as a person. You’re still my wonderful best friend, and the kindest person I know, and I love you very much. I just wanted you to know that."
God, Jimin thinks, fighting back another wave of tears threatening to spill over past her waterline. She loves her best friend so much. She’s the luckiest girl in the world. I could kiss her right now, she thinks.
And then she remembers she can.
"Taehyung?" she says, to a soft Hm? in response. "Kiss me?"
And Taehyung does.
Taehyung kisses her, and kisses her, until all the tears have dried up, and the weird sensation between her legs is gone, and Jimin couldn’t even tell you the name of the boy sleeping in her bed right now, alone, none the wiser. Taehyung kisses her until Jimin feels like Jimin again, until she’s no longer falling apart, and Taehyung kisses her until they both fall asleep, tangled up in each other, like one soul sharing two different bodies. Finally reconnected.
Jimin feels much better the next day. She’s not sure why she even panicked.
They end up going to the same college, of course.
It’s the furthest thing from a coincidence. Jimin has been planning it since day one, and they spend their entire senior year workshopping a solution that works for them. Thankfully, they both get admitted to their first choice school, and their last days of summer are spent packing and driving up to the big city together.
And of course, they end up rooming together at the dorms, as fate would have it. If by ‘fate’ you mean Jimin sending a fairly threatening email to the school’s student housing committee.
It’s the most perfect thing ever. All Jimin’s ever wanted. Sharing space with her favorite girl, decorating the room to both their taste. They’ve spent a lot of time together over the years, but they’ve never lived together, and surprise surprise, they fall into it as naturally as the rest of their friendship.They plan their days together, their class schedules, their meals. They fight a lot too, but they agree on most things, and watching videos on Taehyung's laptop, curled up in Taehyung's bed with Taehyung's arms around her, will forever be Jimin's favorite way to fall asleep.
Taehyung grows up in the blink of an eye, as soon as she’s free from the constraints of high school and her family. The first thing they do when they move in, is cut and dye her hair, sitting on the floor between their beds, surrounded by boxes, and Jimin giggles when she gets bleach all over her pajamas, declaring it the new trend. Light brown suits Taehyung like a glove, and she starts styling it, going for a messy, shaggy look, and she could honestly be a model, as far as Jimin is concerned.
She starts dressing different, too, the way she always wanted but never felt confident enough to, in long coats and eccentric patterns and thrifted grandpa trousers. Jimin always kind of feels like she’s falling behind, always more bland and basic, but she’s not jealous or contemptuous of Taehyung for it. No. As always, she likes how different they are.
She watches in fascination as Taehyung blooms into a beautiful young woman, and feels proud to call herself her friend.
Jimin changes, too.
She gets over her experience losing her virginity pretty fast, and realizes that she loves sex.
She busts her ass off to be top of her class, becomes one of the leading members of the college's dance troupe in just a few months; makes a bunch of friends, and makes sure to stay in touch with her family, but she also, well…
Becomes a bit of a party girl.
She loves letting loose and getting drunk. Swaying, sweaty bodies moving in tandem to the rhythm of the music. Boys, staring at her from across the room like she's prey, offering to buy her drinks, or anything else she wants, offering to make her feel good.
And Jimin is not a prude. More and more, she finds that she enjoys sleeping around. Enjoys being a slut. She loves boys. Loves sex. And there's nothing shameful about it.
She keeps some of them around for a bit, if the sex is good. Boyfriends, whatever constitutes a 'boyfriend', these days. None of them last long, of course, too clingy or too irresponsible or too insecure or too apathetic, but Jimin doesn't get attached, anyways. She doesn't need anything other than someone to make her cum.
Taehyung is the complete opposite. Eternally single, she says that she's too focused on school, on her art, to date aimlessly. It's cute, Jimin thinks. Taehyung is a romantic at heart. She'll probably remain single until the day she finds her soulmate, and they'll immediately get married and have five children and she'll be the best mom ever and Jimin will be the happiest aunt ever. Which is not a scary thought at all to have.
She's not one for parties, either, and more and more, Jimin finds herself going out alone. Filling the void in her heart that she refuses to acknowledge with cheap alcohol and cute boys.
It's how they spend their first year of college. Coexisting, still inseparable, still as close as any pair of friends has a right to be. Jimin steals Taehyung's clothes, and models for her photography assignments, and buys her breakfast when Taehyung forgets, and lets Taehyung use her boobs as pillows when they're watching anime.
And whenever a night out doesn't work out for Jimin, whenever she doesn't find a boy good enough to fuck, all of them below her standards, she'll slither back home and into Taehyung's bed, hoping the taste of alcohol on her tongue will be enough of an explanation. And Taehyung will indulge her, each and every time, and they will kiss until Jimin is tired enough to pass out.
And then, Jeon Jeongguk happens.
He's a freshman, a year below them, and he garners attention on campus immediately for his boyish charms and bunny smile. Jimin is immediately repulsed when she hears other girls whispering about him.
Not her type, she decides immediately. Too popular. Too cocky, no doubt.
But he kind of just… shows up in their circle one day. Starts hanging out around Jimin and Taehyung, joining them in the cafeteria for lunch, noticing them at parties and sticking to their side the entire night, insisting that they do group projects together in the classes they share.
And Jimin doesn't have the heart to tell him to fuck off.
He's harmless, she finds. Like a little puppy, clueless to the effect he has or maybe purposefully ignoring it– and he's funny, and he doesn't look at Jimin like a piece of meat, so she allows him to stay.
The duo suddenly turns into a trio, Jeongguk joining their little inside jokes seamlessly, and he's not rivaling Jimin and Taehyung's friendship, but he's also the closest either of them have ever been to anyone else. Especially together. And Jimin doesn't think anything is amiss, so content with her new friend who is a boy, that she's caught completely off guard, and a little betrayed, when he comes up to her and asks her out on a date.
And she hadn't even made any effort to seduce him.
The whole school is vying for his attention, fawning over him, confessing their love, but for some reason, he latches onto Jimin. Jimin, who's been around him completely barefaced, hungover, dressed in the ugliest clothes she owns. Jimin, who fucked up a whole plate of family-style nachos in front of Jeongguk, on her own, and then burped, completely mortified, but he'd only snorted out a laugh, and she punched his shoulder, and that was that.
So, it's very unexpected that he would be attracted to her. In any way.
And when he shyly presents her with a bouquet of flowers, she's wholly surprised, but she says yes. Almost instinctively, she says yes, without giving it much thought, but she doesn't come to regret it.
He's not like other guys Jimin has dated.
He's not an asshole, for one. He makes an effort to be gentlemanly, and insists on paying for dinner, always, pulling out her chairs and opening her doors, treating her like a princess. He lets her win in arm wrestling, and keeps holding her hand after, like he's so smart for pulling that move. Like she doesn't see right through him.
He's nonthreatening. Doesn't hide his cute side. Or, he tries to, but it comes out anyways, in the form of his wide baby shark eyes and cute bunny teeth. He's handsome, too, when she really lets herself look at him. Rocking his own style, of oversized clothes, long-ish hair, tattoos and piercings, even the occasional kohl eyeliner.
And yet even with all of that, Jimin doesn't see him acting like you would expect a man like that to act. He's sweet, and Jimin's sure many would consider him the perfect boyfriend. And he is! Sure. He definitely is. There’s nothing wrong with him. Jimin is very satisfied.
Especially because he also fucks like a champ.
Stamina for days, eager to please, and eats pussy like it's his favorite meal and he's starving. Jimin's never been so sated before. True, most of her former 'boyfriends' were self-centered frat boys who just wanted a titjob, but Jeongguk is more than just an improvement upon that.
They stay friends, even though they're dating. She tries acting proper, the way a girlfriend should, shooing him out when she's getting ready and refusing to eat messy or laugh loudly or anything uncouth, but he assures her it's fine. He won't mind. And somehow, Jimin believes him. She relaxes, and shows him the most real version of herself she can muster. And he doesn’t run.
She can easily see them being together for– well, at least until the end of college.
There's only one thing. A small, teeny-tiny problem that arises, some months into the relationship.
And Jimin should have seen it coming, really. Because Jeongguk is not like the other guys. And Taehyung can sense it, too.
They're at a party.
It's been way too long, maybe the longest Jimin ever went without this type of release. Without the thrumming of music in her veins, bodies grinding against hers. She lost Jeongguk some time ago in the crowd, but this has never been his scene, anyways. So, for his sake, she stayed away, and it wasn't too hard because it's not like she didn't have anyone to fuck her, but it's been too long.
She used to be crazy at parties. Used to– used to entertain.
She used to kiss Taehyung, when they were both bored and looking to stir the table a little bit. It's a great party trick. They're immediately accepted as chill, given free drinks, cheered on– because they're fucking sexy and Jimin knows it. It's a great way to get picked up, too. Being proposed a threesome, and then telling them Taehyung is off limits, but that she's interested, is a great way to get laid, Jimin finds.
Even if she was seeing someone, they always wanted to watch her make out with Taehyung, fueled by alcohol and maybe something more. And Jimin is nothing if not eager to please.
But Jeongguk is not like that. Jeongguk is not bored by her. Jeongguk doesn't want to go to parties to ogle freshmen girls while Jimin is right there. Jeongguk doesn't bore her; takes her out on dates, sends her good morning and good night messages, and satisfies her in every way a boyfriend should.
Jeongguk is the longest relationship she's ever had. Maybe the only serious relationship she's ever had. And that means there is no need for Jimin to seek out Taehyung. No reason to.
There hasn't been a reason to kiss Taehyung for a while now.
But Jimin is drunk. Drunk, and just a bit loose, and her brain is going places she knows are best kept under lock. Places that taste just like strawberry lip gloss, the only makeup Taehyung wears these days, and smell like their shared laundry detergent. That feel like big hands around Jimin's waist, lulling her to sleep caressing her back.
Just last week, Jimin woke up from a dream that had her unable to look Taehyung in the eye for a full day. She willfully forgot about it, but now, under the influence of alcohol, it's all coming back to the surface.
It's almost Pavlovian, the way her lips start to crave Taehyung's.
She's drunk, bordering on blackout, and Jeongguk is nowhere to be found, sweet Jeonggukie, who agreed to come out only because she begged, even though the party sucks, and being drunk sucks, actually, and she's so bored, and restless, and she just wants to kiss–
She stumbles into a soft, broad chest. A pair of hands, all too familiar, grab onto her shoulders.
"Taehyungie!" She yells, and although it's barely audible over the music, Taehyung flinches as if she heard it. Her best friend knows her too well, and she knows Jimin is gone. "Taetae!! Tae, Taetae, Tae, make out with me. Kiss– kiss me. Kiss."
Jimin all but begs for it. All but sticks her tongue out waiting for Taehyung to latch on. Too drunk to feel any shame.
She knows Taehyung doesn't like her drunk, so she tries to hide it, as much as possible. She looks up at her friend, putting on her best, most sober-est puppy eyes, pleading, and Taehyung looks back at her, warm, a little indulgent, as one would look at a stray kitten. Maybe pityingly. Jimin, uncaring, paws at Taehyung's pretty cheekbones, having to reach up to do it, because Taehyung is so big, and strong, and tall, and perfect, and she begs.
"Tae-yah. Let's kiss. Kiss Diminie. Please?"
She pouts, purses her lips out, because she wants to be kissed, dammit, but Taehyung– shakes her head?
Jimin is so disappointed that, when Taehyung starts dragging her somewhere, she's too dazed to resist. Taehyung leads her by the arm through the bustle of the crowd, and Jimin is only conscious enough to realize that she is, in fact, not being kissed, and that that, in and of itself, is a crime. She clings to Taehyung's back, slowing them down, mumbling about how much she wants kisses into the fabric of her dress shirt. Taehyung says something, but it's too faint for Jimin to hear properly. Something about a boyfriend? Jimin having a boyfriend? When has that mattered?
She only realizes the music is muted and the air clearer and the floor beneath her turned into grass once they halt to a stop and Taehyung dislodges her and nudges her towards something– someone.
Someone that smells familiar, deep and tangy and muscular, who's chest muscles Jimin loves to squeeze, and who's standing there, a little lost, but accepting her into his embrace easily.
"Jeonggukie!"
She throws her arms around his neck, a reflex by now. Familiar with her clinginess, his hands find her waist, but she can tell he's restraining himself. Why?
"Kookie! Hey, hey, what are you doing here?" She asks, so close that the only part of him visible to her is his neck and chin. She starts pressing little kisses there, just because she can. And because she wants kisses.
"Looking for you," he comments dryly. "Come on, let's get you home. Thanks, Tae," he adds, and Jimin gathers that pulling her out from the party was probably a joint mission. Hmph. Them and their ganging up on her.
"No!" She protests. "No, I'm not tired yet. Hey, hey Kookie, you want to watch me make out with Taetae?" She hiccups, missing the way Jeongguk freezes completely. "It would be hot, right? Tae's so hot, right?"
"Jimin…" She hears Taehyung sigh, and out of the corner of her eye, Jimin sees her and Jeongguk exchange a look.
"Um. Why would you make out with Taehyung?" Jeongguk asks, way too reasonable for Jimin's drunken state. "I'll make out with you."
"Because! Because," Jimin giggles. "We do it all the time. Boys like it. Boys– boyfriends like girl on girl action." She nods assuredly. "They like it. Us."
"Alright, well, that's cheating," Jeongguk drones, trying to give her another light push in the direction of the exit.
He sounds– angry, almost? But that's not possible. He's never been angry with her before.
"Noo, Jeonggukie!" she whines, stopping him. "It's not! It's not. It's just a bit of fun."
"Well, you're in a relationship with me and asking to kiss another person. How is that not cheating?" He insists. "Come on, you're too drunk for this."
"I'm not drunk!" Jimin doesn't understand why Jeongguk is not getting it. "And because! We're both girls. It doesn't count. It's fun."
"You know gay people exist, right?" he asks.
Jimin snorts. "Of course, silly," she slaps Jeongguk's chest, completely missing the look on his face. She knows. She learned about them in sex ed, and decided that that's cool. She has no problems with gay people. She's never met any, anyway, but it wouldn't matter even if she did. "But we're all straight here, so it doesn't matter."
Jeongguk shifts, clearly uncomfortable. Jimin pulls back to look at him. He looks like he wants to say something, and Jimin frowns, wanting to urge him on, but they're both interrupted by Taehyung.
"Actually," she says, both Jimin and Jeongguk's heads snapping to face her. They'd almost forgotten she was there. She shrugs. "I'm gay."
And.
What?
Jimin freezes.
You could hear a pin drop.
"You're– what?" Jimin asks, certain that her ears are deceiving her. Certain that Taehyung did not just drop a bomb on her entire existence. Not when Jimin is too fucking drunk to process it properly.
Taehyung shrugs, looking at the ground. "I'm gay. I'm a lesbian. Surprise!?"
And then, Jimin does possibly the worst thing she could in the face of her best friend coming out as gay.
She finds the nearest bush, throws up the contents of her stomach into it, and then promptly passes out.
She remembers bits from the remainder of the night. The smell of Jeongguk, her nose buried into the back of his neck, his hands wrapped securely around her thighs– carrying her? Her mumbling about Taehyung– Taetae, she has to see Taetae, has to make sure she doesn't hate her–
It's blurry, and she’s in and out, but she's pretty sure her whining turns into crying at one point. She remembers feeling like pure shit, which somehow turns into her begging Jeongguk to have his way with her. So that she’ll at least serve a purpose for someone that night.
"I'll be good, Kookie," she mumbles, snotty and gross and desperate in a very unsexy way. "I promise. I promise, I'm so sorry. So sorry, please fuck me, you can fuck Jiminie, please." But he refuses, just does his duty diligently and gets her home.
Not her and Taehyung’s dorm, though. His apartment. Jimin wakes up to the familiar scenery, soap-scented pillows and oversized gaming computer, and even through the large gaps in her memory, even though her head is splitting open with a headache and her mouth tastes like a sewer, she knows that she’s safe.
She gets up with a groan, taking stock of the situation. She’s in one of his oversized sleep shirts, which means that he bothered to help her out of her uncomfortable jean shorts and bra, which she’s grateful for, but not out of her makeup, so she must look like a whole mess, racoon eyes and unbrushed hair, but she can't be bothered enough to care. She feels like crap. She needs comfort.
She stumbles out of the bedroom, bypassing the bathroom and going straight in search of Jeongguk, and she finds him at the dining table, sipping on coffee and working on his laptop, looking too put together for comfort.
"Jeonggukie–" she whines, bulldozing onto his lap like an overgrown puppykitty, and he reluctantly lets her, arms falling open to accommodate her, but not in the caring, enamored way she’s used to. He holds her like she’s fragile, breakable. Is he mad at her? "Kookie," she sniffs, making herself smaller. His cold hands find her back, rubbing comforting circles. That’s better. "How bad is it?"
"Well," he coughs into the side of her head. "How much do you remember?"
Jimin thinks. She remembers the party, remembers letting loose– no, purposefully drinking more than she should, to make up for lost time. She remembers the uncontrollable urge to kiss Taehyung, and she remembers–
Oh.
Oh, God.
Taehyung coming out as a lesbian. Jimin throwing up.
She groans. Loudly.
"I fucked up, didn't I?" she says.
Jeongguk laughs dryly, but his hands don’t stop the motion on the expanse of her back. It makes her melt into him, despite everything. "Just a little bit, yeah."
"Fuck."
She doesn’t know what to do. Doesn’t know what the next step could possibly be. Moving to Antarctica, maybe?
"Thank you for bringing me here," she tells Jeongguk, grateful to not have to deal with the repercussions of her actions just yet. "I don't know how–"
"Yeah, yeah" Jeongguk brushes it off, like it was no big deal. But it is a big deal to Jimin.
She’s never had someone take care of her like that before. Except for Taehyung. No one there to be on her side, to save her ass when she fucks up. To get her to bed safely when she’s passed out drunk. She feels almost guilty that Jeongguk just does all of that, unprompted, with little to no return value from Jimin. Scratch that, she feels absolutely guilty.
She’s the worst.
"Taehyung wanted to take care of you, but I knew you'd freak out, after… well," Jeongguk says.
And, yeah, that checks out. Not only would Jimin freak upon waking up, she most definitely would have tried something last night if she was drunk with Taehyung around. It’s a dark, disgusting truth about herself that she’s forced to face. It's good that she ended up here instead.
"I'm the worst," she whispers, rubbing at the inside corner of her eye, trying not to cry.
"No, not the worst…" Jeongguk trails off, implying that she’s still bad, nonetheless. Jimin pinches him, and he laughs, a low rumble in his chest. She doesn’t take it personally. He’s kind of right, anyways.
"I just… Do you think she hates me?" She asks dejectedly.
"No," Jeongguk says immediately, to Jimin's great relief. "Taehyung? Hate you? No." He thinks for a second, thumbs rubbing across Jimin’s waist. "But you do need to talk."
And, yeah. That’s definitely the case.
She sighs deeply into Jeongguk’s chest. The most uncomfortable, maybe friendship-ending conversation of her life awaits her, and she wants nothing more than to curl up and die before seeing it happen.
Her and Taehyung’s friendship has been so steady for so many years, it stings something awful to consider she fucked up badly enough to change it. To upset status quo. Not only had she acted like a drunk idiot, she’d upset Jeongguk too, and she made Taehyung feel so alienated she was practically forced to out herself. And Jimin didn’t offer any type of comfort, or acceptance, or even a semblance of normal reaction. She just– passed out.
She is the worst.
At least she doesn’t have to worry about Jeongguk like that. He’s a man, so he’ll forgive her most grievances if she just puts out. She learned that the easy way. Plus, he’s unusually loyal, like a puppy dog. She never has to worry about what she does or says around him. She doesn't have to worry about being attractive, or showing off the prettier side of her face, or maintaining her weight. It’s why she feels comfortable enough to walk out, still half asleep, looking like death warmed over, and still be fairly confident he won’t break up with her on the spot.
She wonders if she's testing him, unconsciously. If she's pushing the boundaries of how far she can take it, before he gets sick of her. Before he leaves her.
But that would be ridiculous of her.
Jeongguk clears his throat, snapping her attention back to him. As much as it can stray, considering she’s still sitting in his lap.
"So, um… how often did you guys kiss, exactly?"
Oh. Her and Taehyung. So they’re having this conversation.
Jimin fidgets with her fingernails. Probably blushes.
"Like… not often?" she says, more of a question than she wants it to be. "We used to do it at parties, and stuff. People loved it."
And she loved the attention, it remains unsaid. But Jeongguk understands.
Jeongguk hums noncommittally. "And you weren't… you weren't forced to do anything? You mentioned your old boyfriends liking it so I–"
"No! Oh, God, Jeongguk, no, I promise," she’s quick to reassure him. She hugs him tighter around the neck, feeling so loved when he’s so concerned and protective over her. She told him a bit about her history with boys, but… "You don't need to beat anyone up. It was all consensual."
Jeongguk nods, believing her. "And all that time, you never considered…"
"That Tae is…?" Jimin trails off. She can't say the word, for some reason, a thick clog in her throat preventing it from getting out. "No, I– I don't know. She never said. Never felt weird when he were kissing. And we didn’t know any other gay people, so I… Didn’t know."
"Right." Jeongguk looks uncomfortable.
"I mean, I don't mind it, you know!" Jimin insists. "I support her. And all gay people. Um. Yeah, I have nothing against that. Them. Must be nice, even, ha ha."
She gulps. She doesn’t know why she has such a strong need to justify herself, but she does. Jeongguk will understand, right? She’s not hateful. She’s not.
"Well, as long as you talk to her, you should be fine," he says, and she heaves a sigh of relief. "And, maybe, you know… don't kiss other people while dating me?"
She laughs, breathless. "No, no, Kookie, I won't, I didn't, I promise." She rubs the back of his neck, kissing it lightly, and he nods. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You're… you're not like the other guys. I should have expected this. I really didn't consider it cheating. It's not a 'real' kiss if we don’t like each other, you know? Or if there isn’t a possibility of that happening. Which, I guess, now… We won’t do it again, so there’s nothing to worry about."
Jimin shudders. She’s well aware of all the implications, but she is way too hungover and not nearly conscious enough to be thinking about them right now. So she pushes everything down, back, far far away, to be dealt with some other time.
"Yeah," Jeongguk says.
"Let me make it up to you," Jimin whispers, distracting him as much as herself. She presses a kiss right under Jeongguk's ear. "Taking such good care of me. Let me thank you." She grinds down. She owes him one, realistically. An ex or two of hers would've already helped themselves, last night, when she was half-asleep – but that doesn't matter now. Jeongguk was good to her. Understanding. Helpful. She should repay him.
But Jeongguk, if anything, recoils.
"Okay, first of all," he says, keeping her at an arm's distance as much as possible. "You haven't brushed your teeth yet, and I can tell." He scrunches his nose, and Jimin laughs sadistically. Oh, yeah. She can be disgusting sometimes. "Second of all, shouldn't you be getting back to your dorm? Taehyung is probably waiting."
And Jimin's stomach does a summersault at that, the little will she had for sex evaporating immediately.
"Right. Right."
She groans, and moves to get off of Jeongguk's lap. He's a champ for even indulging her this long. All that gym has to pay off for something, right?
"Coffee?" She asks, hopeful, and Jeongguk nods to the counter.
"Hyung made some. There's breakfast too."
Jimin almost moans in gratitude. Seokjin, Jeongguk's older cousin and roommate, is a lifesaver sometimes.
Just as she's washing down the taste of throwup (which she definitely shouldn't be doing) with pitch black coffee, Jeongguk clears his throat behind her.
"Um. Just for the record," he says, sounding almost– nervous? Jimin turns to give him her full attention. Not that he’s looking at her, eyes firmly on the table in front of him. Weird. "You… You do know gay people. Well, Taehyung, for one, I guess. But also, um." He wrings his hands together. Glances up at her for a split second with big, shiny boba ball eyes. "Me."
Jimin frowns, because the way he fucks her, a girl, certainly–
"I'm bi," he clarifies. Jimin ahhs in understanding, except she doesn’t really understand anything, anymore. "So, yeah. I guess I never told you before. I kinda assumed it was obvious. I assumed you– well, never mind that. But yeah. So if that's gonna be a problem–"
It takes a second for Jimin's mind to recalibrate, but once it does, she's back on him in an instant. She will not make the same mistake twice.
"Oh, of course not. Of course it's not a problem, baby." She pets his hair, feels him relaxing under her touch. "I mean, I don't know… a lot about the… the community, and terms, and whatever, but as long as you want me, I want you too, okay?"
He nods.
"Okay." Their eyes meet, and they laugh together at the ridiculousness of the situation.
"Thank you," he whispers.
"Don't thank me, silly," Jimin tuts. Kisses his forehead, smelly breath and all. "I should be the one apologizing. I'm sorry if I ever came off as rude, or, or homophobic or something. I swear I'm not."
Jeongguk laughs. "I know, baby. It's okay." He rubs her cheekbone with the back of a knuckle. "Now go, shoo," he says. "You have a friendship to save and I want to kiss you at least once before you leave."
Jimin walks into their dorm room like a ghost haunting the place. It's dark even though it’s the middle of the day, blinds drawn, and she almost doesn't see Taehyung– just sitting there like a statue, on her own bed, in complete silence. Waiting for Jimin.
"Hey," Jimin says, closing the door behind her softly.
She hesitates where she stands.
Not because she wants to, but out of an abundance of caution– she doesn’t move. Stays right at the door. Keeps her distance. Even though everything inside her is screaming, yearning for Taehyung… Jimin is not sure if Taehyung feels the same.
"Hey," Taehyung nods. "Are you okay?"
"Mhm," Jimin nods. She’s very aware that she should be the one asking that question, but her tongue is frozen in her mouth. To ask, or to apologize, or to offer up any kind of explanation. All she can manage is a squeaky, "Yup."
"Good. That's good," says Taehyung.
It's awkward, Jimin realizes with a lump in her throat. It's never been awkward between them before. Not even after they swapped spit. Or when Jimin talked about her sexual experiences in excruciating detail. Or the one time Taehyung really had to pee while Jimin was showering, so she did. They’ve always laughed it off. But now, Jimin feels like an alien in her own body, like all knowledge of human manners and mannerisms left her the instant she saw Taehyung. And remembered how hard she fucked up last night.
But Taehyung– the angel that she is– after a second of consideration, looks at Jimin, and does the best thing Jimin could have hoped for. She opens her arms.
Jimin strides across the room in two seconds flat, falling into her best friend's arms like an avalanche. She knocks them both back onto the bed, flattening Taehyung under her weight, but she can’t be bothered to care, and she has a feeling Taehyung doesn’t either. Because it feels like coming home. She clings– clings like she hasn’t in years, hugs Taehyung like they haven’t seen each other in decades. Pouring all of her love into where their bodies touch; where her nose sinks into the skin of Taehyung’s neck. Smelling like soap and innocence.
"Sorry," is the first thing she says, whispering it into Taehyung's shoulder. Everything comes spilling out. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable, I'm sorry if I was insensitive, I'm sorry I never considered the other option, I'm sorry I never asked if you were okay with it, I'm sorry I–"
"Hey. Jimin. Jimin." Taehyung stops her, pulling away only to press a thumb to her lips, shushing her. Jimin snaps her mouth shut, looking down at Taehyung. "Relax. Okay? I'm not mad."
Jimin exhales. "But still. I was–"
"No, Mimi." And fuck Taehyung, Jimin decides. Because she knows how that nickname makes Jimin feel. She has to pull away, just a smidge, bringing them both to sit upright, in an approximation of a ‘serious conversation’ position. Taehyung continues. "You didn't do anything. I was the one who never said anything. I was the one who– who let you kiss me even though– even though you thought I was straight. I lied. I lied to you."
"You didn't lie, Taetae," Jimin shakes her head. "You didn’t lie. But you never said anything, either! I could have– God, I don’t know. I could have been there for you! Did you think I wouldn’t–"
Taehyung shakes her head vehemently. "No, Jimin, of course not. It just… never came up. And by the time I realized it for sure, well… It felt too awkward to bring up."
"But I kept pressuring you, about boys, and you probably felt so uncomfortable, God–" Jimin groans. "I’m just like your cousins at Chuseok. I’m the worst! Why didn’t you tell me to shut up? Why didn’t you– I don’t know!"
"Oh, Jimin, please," Taehyung stops her. She presses her hand over Jimin’s, and Jimin halts immediately, looking down at where they’re touching. Taehyung pulls away, even though Jimin doesn’t want her to. "You’re fine. It’s not your fault."
Jimin pouts. "It’s not your fault either."
Taehyung giggles.
"Truce, then?" she asks. "We can just put this whole thing behind us. Please? I don’t–"
"I’m okay with that!" Jimin butts in.
"Okay," Taehyung says, eyes wide and pleased. "Yeah."
"Yeah."
Taehyung looks at Jimin, and something flashes in her eyes, almost– hurt? But no, that can't be, Jimin thinks, and it's gone in a flash, so it doesn't even matter, really.
"Um. Do you have any– questions? Um." Taehyung scratches her head. "I don't know. We should probably talk about some things to make sure you’re not… uncomfortable. With me."
"What do you mean?" Jimin asks, innocently. "Why would I be uncomfortable with you? I was the one who always initiated all the kissing."
And it's true, isn't it? Taehyung didn't, not even once, reach out to kiss Jimin first. God, she feels so stupid now. She was so pushy and overbearing and probably forced Taehyung do stuff she didn't want to–
"Well, there's this… stereotype, I guess?" Taehyung says, disrupting Jimin’s inner freakout. "Of the, um. Predatory lesbian?" She cringes. "Like, I don't want you to feel like I was using you, or, ogling you, or manipulated you to want to kiss me."
"Of course not," Jimin says with a frown. That wouldn’t have crossed her mind in a million years. Mostly because she wanted to kiss her best friend even before she knew it would be Taehyung. But also because Jimin knows herself. Knows how much she wanted the kissing. The first time it happened, and every time subsequent.
"And the kisses… they were completely platonic."
Jimin feels time grind to a halt. "Hm?"
"I just… don’t want you to feel like I was getting something out of them you weren’t. They were always, 100%, strictly friendship. I would never– I'm not– I don't think of you like that, you know? You’re my best friend. That’s the only way I see you."
"Oh," Jimin says. And for some strange reason, there's a weird pang in her chest. Taehyung doesn't see her like that. Of course– of course she doesn't. Of course the kisses didn't mean anything to her. Just indulging her weird, straight friend. "Right, no. None of that even crossed my mind. Honest."
"Okay," Taehyung nods, relieved. "Good."
"Good," Jimin repeats. "Um, do you… are you gonna date anyone now?" she asks.
Taehyung looks at her. "Hm?"
"Like. Are you– are you not interested in dating at all, or? You didn’t have, like, a million girlfriends in secret, did you? Because I could. I don't know. Be your wing-woman? At parties? Do lesbians do that? I happen to know you're a very good kisser. I could– promote you and– I don't. I don't know. I'm sorry. Fuck. Stop me from speaking." Jimin buries her face in her hands and groans.
Taehyung chuckles. Her eyes are– expressive, always so expressive, Jimin thinks. But for the first time in a while, she can't really read what's behind them.
"No, I didn't date any girls in secret. Or in public. I never wanted to, and that’s the truth. I guess I was waiting for…" she trails off with a big sigh. "Well. Nevermind, now. It's not important. But you’re right. I should probably christen my lesbianism. Come out with a bang."
Jimin laughs, ignoring the way her stomach flips upside down. God, she really hopes that’s not homophobia.
"So, party? Downtown? Gay club? Those exist, right?"
Taehyung bites her lip.
"Actually…"
Taehyung starts dating a senior from her photography class. Min Yoongi, a few days later.
And Jimin does not feel weird about it. Not at all.
She is completely normal about seeing Taehyung in a relationship. She reacts completely normally when Taehyung tells her about the crush she’s been harboring for weeks, and is absolutely supportive when Taehyung plans to ask her out, and cheers extra loud when Taehyung announces that she, officially, has a girlfriend.
Jimin is so normal about it.
Alright, so maybe that's a lie.
Maybe the first time she sees Taehyung and Yoongi in the dining hall together, Taehyung's arm thrown over Yoongi's shoulder, she judges. Hard.
So that's Taehyung's type, huh? Small, thin, mean? Older? Tomboyish, with closely cropped hair, yet with a touch of softness to her features? Pretty, probably mean, sharp and delicate at the same time? Dedicated, passionate, extremely talented judging by how Taehyung talks about her art, her photography and music. Because of course Taehyung finds the type of girlfriend who will gift her a custom song on their second ever date.
They don't even fit that well together, Jimin thinks bitterly. Then hates herself for thinking it, because surely, she's being latently lesbophobic, and for all she knows, they look like the ideal lesbian couple. But Yoongi is too…and Taehyung is too… something else, and Jimin sees the way Taehyung presses a kiss to Yoongi's neck, and has to look away, burning a hole through the table in front of her.
Yoongi is around, all of a sudden. Not all the time, and mostly choosing to stay away from Jimin, probably detecting the extremely sour vibes she gives off whenever Yoongi is in her immediate presence, but she just can’t help it, okay? Yoongi is in Taehyung’s life, and suddenly it’s all ‘I can’t, I have a date,’ or ‘I’m hanging out at Yoongi’s later, sorry Jimin,’ or ‘Oh, Yoongi and I watched that movie already, it’s pretty good,’ or ‘Yoongi would love this meme, haha, wait, let me send it to her.’
So it’s really not Jimin’s fault that she feels like snapping.
That she feels on edge around Taehyung, barely holding it together. That every touch between them, once routine, is now as precious as the rarest gemstone to Jimin, and she cherishes each and every one with the reverence that would put nuns to shame.
Even though Taehyung acts the same around her. Like nothing is even the slightest bit amiss. And Jimin, for all her bad rep for wearing her heart on her sleeve, does a great job of acting like everything is normal, too. The way they’ve always been. She clings to Taehyung, hugs her, cuddles her, shares food and clothes and a life with her. The way they almost always have.
… But only when Yoongi isn't around.
She climbs into Taehyung’s bed so they can watch YouTube together before sleep. But she leaves as soon as Taehyung's eyes close. It’s probably best if Yoongi is the only one spending the night in her girlfriend’s bed.
Not that Jimin spends any time out of her day thinking about that.
The only thing that’s changed between them that they’re not pretending hasn’t changed, is the fact they don't kiss anymore. It’s unspoken. Jimin has Jeongguk, and Taehyung has Yoongi, but even if they didn't, Jimin has a feeling that that section of their lives is simply… over.
She will never kiss Taehyung again. Not even for fun. Not even while drunk. Or as a dare. Or while doing body shots. Or while under the sheets, sleepy, soft and sticky. Not even when she gets broken up with, and needs comfort. Not even when she’s crying.
Never.
Because Jimin has spent too long living in a fantasy world, a world that she saw in outdated movies, a world she internalized, even though it stemmed from objectification, and misogyny, and a whole myriad of other bad, bad, things.
Straight girls can kiss each other, maybe. But only if a man is present. And only while they’re young.
Because college is for experimentation, isn’t it? And if the scientific method fails, and the results end up all muddled and confusing…
It’s best to just give up, Jimin thinks.
She had her moment. Those days are over. She kissed a girl, maybe too much, at that, and from now on… she will only kiss boys.
Taehyung was a fluke. A lucky fluke, but a fluke nonetheless.
She tries to compensate by spending more of her time with Jeongguk. Giving Taehyung space, she tells herself. To invite Yoongi over. To do… whatever it is they do when they’re alone together. Jimin tries not to think about it too much.
Jeongguk doesn't mind, anyways, and his apartment is plenty big to accommodate Jimin whenever she wants. A drawer of her things is already there, and a spare toothbrush, and everything she needs to stay the night. Multiple nights. She's pretty sure he'd ask her to move in if it wasn't for Seokjin, but she ignores the fact wholeheartedly, and instead uses the only coping mechanism she’s even known for dealing with any type of problem in her life– alcohol and sex.
And because getting blackout drunk and seducing strangers in the club is off the table… she makes do with Jeongguk instead. And she goes hard.
He brags a lot about his stamina, but when she's riding him, going on an hour with no release, she can tell he’s starting to crack at the edges.
She’s not even doing it on purpose, sadly. Teasing him is fun and all, but these days, it’s not that she doesn’t want to cum– she can’t. She feels weird and icky all over, constantly, and even though she's technically enjoying it, she can't truly get her head in the game… not even when his head is in her game.
Anyways.
Her mind keeps flashing to Taehyung– laughing loudly at something Yoongi whispers under her breath; the lipstick stain on her neck after a 'bathroom break' they took together; the way she genuinely seems to be lighter and happier around Yoongi, these days.
The way she smiles more around Yoongi. And less around Jimin. And the way the difference is becoming more apparent by the passing day.
"Okay, what's going on?" Jeongguk stops her movement when it grows erratic with frustration, gyrating on his dick in a way that isn’t even pleasant for either of them at this point, just dry and chafing and angry.
His hands splay on her waist, keeping her in place, steady, so she doesn’t accidentally move and hurt his oversensitive cock. He's sweating, holding back from finishing until she does, because he’s a male feminist like that, but Jimin isn’t even close. If she had a dick, she's pretty sure it would be limp right now. She chases release to no avail, chases and chases, like a horse with a carrot and stick, and the distraction is not working, and he's grown tired of her. She’s grown tired of herself.
"Sorry," she pants, settling her thighs on top of his, trying not to flex or move too much; giving him a break.
"You wanna stop? What's going on with you, huh?" He asks, so sweet and worried for her, even though she’s been pretty much edging him for an hour straight, and she can tell every muscle in his body is straining with how hard he’s trying not to cum.
She sniffs. Cards both hands through Jeongguk's hair. Meets his eyes and tries to put on the best, most honest smile she can muster. "I'm fine," she insists.
Judging by the look on Jeongguk's face, it’s not very believable.
"Well, are you gonna let me touch you?" he asks. "I'm about to explode over here." He gestures vaguely to where she’s still sitting on him.
He begs sweetly, because she’s batted his hands away every time he tried helping her along so far. Something about it just didn't feel right– skipping ahead before she was ready. She wanted the ride. The burn, the exercise, the heat. But it isn’t working. Nothing is working.
She squeezes experimentally, just to watch him struggle. The way he twitches, fingers digging into the give of her hips, grip bruising, his eyes rolling back in pleasure and pain.
She should find it fun. Should find it enjoyable, toying with him. Instead, all she feels is the sticky liquids between them drying uncomfortably, and a bland kind of depressed nonchalance.
He pants. "Either one of us cums, right now, or we stop and talk. Your choice."
He’s genuine about it, too, she knows. Giving her a concerned, inquisitive look under the desperation glazing his eyes. Has she really been acting that strange?
She shakes her head mutely and he sighs at her stubbornness.
"Let me eat you, then, huh?" He rumbles, as a last resort. "I'll make you feel good." He taps her ass lightly, urging her to get off. More for his sake than hers, surely.
She protests again, whining and hugging him tighter. Burying her face into his neck, so he can’t see her when she says,
"I wanna," she clears her throat. "Need to be on top." She whispers it into his skin like a secret. A confession.
She doesn’t want to be on her back right now. Doesn’t want to feel vulnerable, exposed. She needs to be the one holding the reigns, needs to have some semblance of control. When everything else in her life feels like it's spiraling downwards so badly she can never get it back.
"Sit on my face, then," Jeongguk says, simply.
She pulls back to look at him. Raises an eyebrow.
"If you want," he adds, sheepishly.
And that– for all that it makes her want to laugh, endeared– that might work, actually. She can focus. On not suffocating him. And not on anything else, like handsome, tall girls that kiss other girls and make Jimin’s stomach churn.
She pulls off of Jeongguk’s dick slowly, and he whines, cock dark red and pulsating, wet from her juices and throbbing for release. She cringes on his behalf.
"Want me to–"
"No," he pants, breathless, scooting down on the bed so his head is where his hips just were. "You first."
He looks up at her. A drop of slick slithers down, viscous and thick from where they were just connected, and drips onto his chin. Without thinking twice, he sticks his tongue out to clean it. It’s perhaps the hottest thing Jimin has ever seen, and she feels something stirring inside her, something that tells her she might actually get to cum tonight. Finally.
Jeongguk frowns. His hands find her thick thighs, grabbing on. Before he dives in, he says: "When we’re done, we're talking about whatever's bothering you."
Jimin sighs, and sits when he pulls her down. She vows to make him forget the promise. At least for tonight.
For all the sex they have– deeply unsatisfying, weird, formulaic sex, the way it's never been for Jimin before– it never crosses her mind that Taehyung might be doing the same.
For see, they have a system. One that ensures Yoongi and Jimin never have to spend too much time together. They're all great at pretending everything is fine– civil conversation, skirting around certain topics, acting like the other doesn't exist when they're with Taehyung– but it involves a lot of scheduling.
Taehyung compartmentalizes it. Friend time versus girlfriend time. Or maybe they're the ones insisting on it, pulling her in two different directions. But it works for them. They alternate weekends. Yoongi gets Fridays. Jimin gets Mondays. She gets Thursdays too, because Yoongi has an internship thing, but Wednesdays, when Jimin is waterlogged with classes, are all hers.
It's precisely because of how hectic everything is for Jimin, balancing her education and her boyfriend and this weird three-way Taehyung triangle, that Jimin forgets. One of her classes gets canceled on an unassuming Wednesday afternoon, and she treks back home, looking forward to a long nap–
But she's stopped in her tracks by what she sees upon opening the door.
Taehyung, that is.
And Yoongi.
Together.
Doing… stuff.
She tries to close her eyes, but the damage has already been done. Burned into her retinas forever.
They're on Taehyung's bed. Not fully naked, thankfully, but they might as well be, for the trauma it causes Jimin. Yoongi is in Taehyung’s lap, wearing nothing but a skirt and bra, and Jimin has just enough time to register Taehyung's big hands splayed across the span of her back, and the way they're both sweaty and worked up, before they're springing apart and looking at her. Guilty and annoyed, respectively.
With both of their eyes on her, Jimin notices more. She can’t help it. Their red lips. Flushed faces. Messy hair. Something translucent and pink and shimmery smeared all across Yoongi’s neck and chest.
Taehyung’s strawberry lip gloss.
Jimin remembers vividly what it tastes like.
She wants to throw up. Her heart tries to pound a hole out of her chest.
"Jimin," Taehyung says, dislodging a displeased Yoongi from her lap. They hastily cover themselves with a blanket, not that it helps any. "I thought you were in class."
Right.
Right, Jimin thinks. They’re– they’re not the ones doing anything wrong here. Jimin is the intruder. The odd one out. The one who doesn’t belong. They’re well within their rights– she was aware something must be going on whenever they’re alone. And it’s not like Jimin’s never brought anyone over. But this is the first time she’s the one getting sexiled, and she doesn’t know how to feel about that.
About Taehyung having sex. And not telling Jimin anything about it. Keeping quiet, unlike Jimin, who shared the most vulnerable parts of herself with Taehyung without a second thought.
"Got canceled," she says simply, eyes fixated somewhere on Taehyung's bedsheets. She can’t look at them. Can’t think. "I'll leave. Text me when–" Then, she thinks better of it. "Actually, it's fine. I'll just come back tomorrow."
Taehyung makes a wounded sound. She looks like she wants to get up, approach Jimin, to do what Jimin isn't sure, but she's stopped by Yoongi’s hand on her chest. On her exposed, tan, smooth chest, shirt ripped open and barely holding on by a single button, cleavage plunging down into her bra. Jimin gulps. "Jimin, you don't have to, come on, I know you want to nap–"
"I'll crash at Jeongguk's place, okay? It's fine," Jimin says, tone more curt and sharp than she intends it to be.
"Oh," Taehyung breathes. It’s like she recoils at the sound of Jeongguk’s name. Sitting back further, as if that would help any. As if more distance between them is what she wants. Jimin doesn't care, if that's the case. "Okay."
"Okay," Jimin nods.
She sneaks a glance in Yoongi's direction– finds her looking at her. Weirdly. Meaningfully. Jimin doesn’t have time to analyze what the meaning is, so she avoids her gaze. Now and forever.
She thinks about grabbing some things, but– she really doesn't want to spend a second longer in the room than is necessary. So she just turns around and leaves, storming out of the door as calmly as possible, without so much as a goodbye.
They'll be fine. Better off without her, even. Taehyung can be happy with her girlfriend. Jimin has a boyfriend, and that's just as good.
Jeongguk is surprised to see her when he opens the door.
Not because this doesn't happen often, her coming over randomly– she has an open invitation, and so does he, not that he uses it much for their shitty dorms– but she must look like a mess, with the way he looks her up and down, eyes wide, and lets her in without a word.
She feels like a mess. Frazzled and confused and upset, with something tugging at her heartstrings for no reason, making her feel homesick and nauseous and… sad. Sad.
And she can't think about it. She can't think straight, needs– needs a drink. Not even sex, she just needs to be gone, she needs to not remember, needs to not think–
A hand stops her as soon as she reaches for the liquor cabinet. She turns around, putting on her best puppy dog eyes, silently begging, but Jeongguk shakes his head softly. Drags her by the wrist to the couch. She'd protest, but… it's probably for the best. She's not all herself, at the moment. Not the best time to be making rash decisions, probably.
"We need to talk," Jeongguk says. Jimin sighs, even though she knew this was coming. It doesn't prevent her from being bitter about it. "Actually, you need to talk. You’ve been… off, for weeks. I wanna help."
He’s adorably earnest about it. His hair is wild, his clothes comfy, and Jimin knows she just interrupted a gaming session, but he still sits with her without complaint and urges her to talk. For her own sake.
He’s too good for her. No one should be subjected to listening to her bullshit, yet here he is, volunteering to do it.
She shakes her head, because she’s a defiant child sometimes, and her first instinct when offered help is to refuse it. Talking is bullshit, anyways. It's much better to bottle it all down, right? It will pass eventually, on its own… right? And even if she wanted to talk, she's pretty much incapable of doing so.
Because how does she even begin to convey– how does she talk about her feelings, when she's not even sure what they are? How does she talk about her, her disgust with her roommate, and especially with her roommate’s girlfriend, without sounding…
Homophobic?
A bigot?
Which she might very well be. Despite everything she tried to tell herself and others. Despite how she fancied herself above prejudice and bias. Over the past few weeks, watching her best friend date a girl, Jimin was slowly forced to confront the fact that she might be a much worse person than even she could have predicted.
And, God, that’s fucked up.
"I can't talk about it," she says into her palms, covering her face in shame. "Not with you."
Because he's bi, right? He'll be on Taehyung's side, surely. Taehyung would deserve it. She deserves to be surrounded by people who love her, who understand her, way more than Jimin ever could.
"Come on," Jeongguk snorts. "You can. You know you can tell me anything." He rubs her shoulders, softly encouraging her, the best, most out-of-her-league boyfriend she could have possibly landed. And she's about to lose him.
Jimin shakes her head. "Not this. You're too… You're too good and too perfect and I'm just– I'm a bitch who doesn't deserve you and you're gonna hate me and–"
"Hey," he stops her, scooting closer until their sides are pressed together, his body heat making her relax subconsciously. She wishes it didn't work. Wishes he wasn’t so sweet on her. "I'm none of those things. I'm just me. And you're not a… that, you're my– my best friend. Alright? You're my friend before you are my girlfriend and it hurts me to see you this torn up. Can you talk to me? Want me to call someone else?"
Jimin hates herself. She really, really does. Because somehow the universe gave her this… this perfect man, who wanted her, whom anyone would kill to be with, and she… she's about to ruin it all. Because she doesn’t appreciate him the way she’s supposed to.
Maybe never did.
And she hates herself because the only ‘someone else’ she would want to speak to, is the root of all her problems.
So her life is really about to go to shit. And she only has herself to blame.
"I can't talk to you," she shudders out, muffled, still hiding her face. "I can't talk to you, because you'll hate me, and break up with me, and not want to see me anymore, and–"
"Okay, stop," Jeongguk says. "Stop. I won't get mad. I promise. I won't hate you. Forget I'm your boyfriend for a second and just trust me, okay? I'm here."
She cringes.
"You can't promise that," she says. "When you hear…"
"I can," he insists. "Because I know you, Park Jimin. I know you didn’t cheat, or do anything to harm me, not intentionally. I know you're incapable of being anything other than a real-life angel, and I know whatever you’re feeling, we can work through together. So, speak." He tucks a strand of her hair behind her ear. "Please."
He’s too good to her, she repeats again. Too trusting. Too– too loving.
She should probably put him out of his misery. Come clean, rid him of his misconceptions. When he cuts contact, it will hurt, and she’ll be all alone in the world, but it will be better for them both in the long run. He doesn't deserve to be bogged down by her. By someone who…
Doesn't love him back. Not with the same intensity. Probably. Jimin is too confused to judge rationally, right now.
That's what she tells herself when she starts speaking.
"Gguk," she says. "I think… I think I might be homophobic." Her hands finally fall to her lap, revealing her face, and she pulls away from his touch. Jeongguk doesn’t try to hold her back. "Towards Tae."
She wants to close her eyes again, hide herself from the world and, more importantly, from Jeongguk's reaction. He's literally bi, and while she doesn't have a problem with him, she knows the community sticks together, and it wouldn't make sense for him to keep dating her when she's a dirty, disgusting bigot.
He’s going to hate her. Not even in a loud way, because Jeongguk is not that type of person. He’s going to be silently fuming with rage, disappointed that he wasted his time with her. He’s not going to tell her to cut ties with Taehyung, but he for sure will be thinking it.
He's not going to snitch her out to Taehyung, but the devastated look on his face will definitely convince Jimin to do it herself. So that Taehyung can be better off.
But then his face does something weird, instead. Flashing with– amusement? And relaxing almost imperceptibly. He looks like he's surprised, but at the same time, not really shocked at all. Like he almost… expected it.
"Oh. Oh, Jimin," he says, reaching down to hold her hand again. A good sign, at least. That he's not avoiding touch. She holds on for dear life, afraid he will change his mind at any time and take back the comfort, but it's still very much appreciated, no matter how fleeting.
"I know," she shudders. "I'm the worst. I'm really the fucking worst."
"You're not," he says, reassuring, with a small smile dancing on his lip. "I don't even think you're homophobic, Minnie."
"No, but I–"
"Jimin," Jeongguk sighs. "You're not homophobic. I promise you. Why do you think you are?"
Jimin cringes, gathering up the courage to speak.
"Because," she says, "Whenever I see Taehyung and Yoongi together, I just feel like… they shouldn't be. You know? I don’t like seeing them together. I don’t like the way they…" She trails off. "I don't know. It makes me feel weird inside."
How can she explain that she doesn’t like it when they kiss, without sounding, well, hypocritical? How does she say that she doesn’t like when Yoongi brings Taehyung hot chocolate, during their study sessions? That she can’t stand when they're whispering about photography terms, in their own world, all of it going straight over Jimin’s head? That even them looking at each other is enough to set Jimin off, having her wanting to crawl out of her own skin and go somewhere far, far away, where she won't be subjugated to seeing them being all… lesbian-y and gay and happy and in love with each other.
Not that they're in love. Whatever. Jimin wouldn't know. It doesn't matter. Whatever.
"Hm," Jeongguk says. "And when do you feel like this? When you're all hanging out?"
Jimin nods, then shakes her head no.
Because it's not really isolated, is it? She feels it all the time. Even when Yoongi isn’t around. The burning, crippling, something that overwhelms her entire body. Something which she does not know the name of. Something that tells her it's wrong. The whole situation is wrong.
She must look pathetically lost and confused, because Jeongguk takes pity on her and says, "Okay, scratch that. How do you feel around Taehyung? Are you guys good? You told me you made up after the… coming out incident, and you were fine then."
"I guess," Jimin shrugs. "She started dating Yoongi a few days after that."
Jeongguk’s eyebrows raise into his hairline. "That was quick."
Jimin agrees wholeheartedly.
"Yeah."
"Ah," Jeongguk says. "I think I get it now."
Jimin tries to ignore the way she sparks up at the optimism in his voice.
"What?"
"Well, I think the problem is she got into a relationship too fast," he says. "And you never got the chance to strike up a balance with this new dynamic of yours. The one where she's openly gay and you're supportive."
Jimin stays silent.
"And you probably feel like Taehyung is spending too much time with Yoongi, even though they’ve only known each other for a few weeks, and you’ve known her your whole life."
"I– I didn’t know her my whole life," Jimin mumbles. "But. Yeah."
Jeongguk hums. "And do you feel… bad when Yoongi takes care of Taehyung? The way you used to?"
Jimin nods dejectedly.
"Then I don't think it's homophobia, baby," Jeongguk says. "I think you’re being too hard on yourself. I think this is just a case of good-old jealousy."
"Oh," Jimin says, brow furrowing in a pout. "Jealousy?"
Jeongguk nods. "This is Taehyung’s first relationship ever, right? You've never had to deal with that before. You got used to having her all to yourself, and now that she has someone else, it feels weird, because you’re not used to sharing. Am I on the money here?"
Jimin, reluctantly, nods.
"Then, yeah. You'd probably feel the same way if she was dating a guy. You're not homophobic, Minnie."
He touches a knuckle to her cheekbone. Soft. Understanding. Probably not breaking up with her after all. Which is fine.
"But, but– How do I– How do I get over it?" Jimin asks. She doesn't want to be a hindrance to Taehyung, in any way. Homophobic or not.
Jeongguk smiles. "Well, you just have to get used to it. Because this is how it’s gonna be from now on."
"... What?" Jimin feels a smile freeze on her face.
"Well, I’m just saying," Jeongguk shrugs, oblivious. "She’ll keep dating other people. It can never go back to the way it used to be. You’re never gonna have her 100% to yourself again, you feel me?"
Something visceral snaps in Jimin at that moment.
"Oh."
"Yeah. Like, post-college, you’re probably not going to live together anymore, right? Even if you do, Taehyung will eventually move in with someone else. Someone she loves. You will too, hopefully. You'll see each other less. I don’t think you’ll ever not be friends. But it’ll be different. No more college life, no more sleepovers every night, no more sharing every bit of your lives with each other."
"Oh," Jimin says. "So… I'll just be… secondary?"
"I mean," Jeongguk shrugs. "Isn't that just the way society is? Romance over friendship? I'm sure you'll still be important to each other, but… Probably not the way you used to be. One day, Taehyung will get married, and you’ll be the maid of honor, and–"
"And I’ll never get to kiss her again."
Jimin doesn’t know where it comes from. Has no idea what prompts her to say it out loud. But she can see it, clear as day: them, slowly but surely, drifting apart. Her, losing her importance in Taehyung’s life. Having to find a man to marry. A man who will have to take precedence over her best friend. And… and Taehyung, who will marry the woman of her dreams, while Jimin watches. A woman who’s not Jimin.
Now, Jimin doesn't know much. She doesn’t know what name to put to the feelings inside her, for example. Doesn’t know what’s wrong with her, on a grander scale. Doesn’t get why the thought of a future without Taehyung scares her so much.
But she does know one thing.
She still wants to kiss her.
Oh, she wants to kiss Taehyung so bad. It presses down on her, from all sides, locks her in like a cage. The thought of never getting to do it again, having to take a step back in Taehyung's life because they're friends, and friends don't kiss each other after college, hurts Jimin. Hurts spots inside her she never even knew existed.
Before she knows it, she’s bursting into tears.
"I think– I think I’m a bad person," she sobs, and Jeongguk cradles her into his arms. Caring, supportive Jeongguk. Even when she all but admitted to wanting to kiss someone else. "I’m the worst."
"Hey," he whispers into her hair. "You’re allowed to feel whatever you're feeling right now. I won't get mad. I promise."
She thinks about going back to being in a relationship with him after this. Staying with him. Lovely, agreeable, whipped Kook. Taking back what she just said and professing that she only wants him. Marrying him, even. Taehyung being her maid of honor. Having a husband. Forever.
She practically physically shudders at the thought. The tears don't stop coming, loud and ugly.
"You know," Jeongguk says softly into her hair, "a lot of gay people feel homophobic at one point in their lives. It's a step in the process. Self-hatred. Self-realization. You come out stronger at the other end of it."
She cries harder.
"I think– I think I might be–"
"Shh," he says. "Shush. It’s okay. I got you. I got you."
Taehyung breaks up with Yoongi only a few days after Jimin announces her split from Jeongguk.
It’s the best breakup of Jimin’s life. (Hers, not Taehyung’s, to be clear.) Because it was a long time coming, and Jeongguk saw it coming way before she did, so he wasn’t even upset with her. Didn’t resent her when she said, through tears, not even knowing where it was coming from, that she might be gay. And in love with her best friend.
So, both single again, Taehyung and her go back to status quo. With no distractions, no other people, they fall into their old routine. They go to sleep together, wake up together, spend as much time as physically possible together, and even when they’re practically attached at the hip again, Jimin
Still
Feels
Like
There’s something missing.
She knows what it is, of course. Knows that kissing Taehyung would solve most, if not all of her problems. But she is, as always, too much of a coward to do anything about it, for fear of disrupting their peace.
She gets that she should do it soon. Before Taehyung gets snatched up again. Before she really leaves her, for good this time. But what they have as friends is precious, and besides, she needs to prepare for the eventuality of Taehyung rejecting her. Which is the most likely option.
They’re snuggled in bed one night, face masks on and munching on convenience store fried chicken, when Taehyung looks over at her and says, "You haven’t been out in a while."
"Out?" Jimin says, panicking only a little bit, because she’s been looking up the… gay stuff, the terminology. And she's been worried about how to approach the topic with Taehyung without making it extremely obvious that she's in love with her.
"Yeah, like, partying," Taehyung clarifies though, thankfully. Jimin breathes out a sigh of relief.
"Oh. Um, yeah, I don’t know. I guess I haven’t felt the need to."
"No? No more drinking? No more boys? What changed?" Taehyung asks, then giggles a little, sadly. "Jeongguk really did a number on you, huh?"
But Jimin shakes her head.
"Nothing to do with Jeongguk," she grumbles. It kind of does, actually, because he’s been instrumental to her figuring out what she wants, and she still texts him about Taehyung on occasion, but that’s not what Taehyung is asking.
In fact, Jimin has done a lot of thinking. Like, a lot. About what Jeongguk said. Their futures and… her past, too.
The way she was always more excited about friendship with girls than anything to do with boys. The way she practically did most of what she did out of a sick sense of… obligation, almost. She wonders if she ever even truly loved any of them. Then accepts, with a heavy heart, that she most definitely didn’t. That she was just filling a void, a void that she wasn’t aware could be filled up by a girl. One very specific girl, to be exact.
She doesn’t know why she didn’t figure it out sooner. Why it never clicked in her brain that, oh, girls can kiss other girls, the way boys do. It doesn’t have to be ‘just for fun’. It doesn’t have to be fake. They don’t have to have an audience, and Jimin can just… want.
And she’s been wanting a lot, recently. Like a dam burst somewhere.
She looks at Taehyung. Perfectly imperfect. Completing Jimin in all the ways a soulmate should. So fucking beautiful, inside and out, the way she's been to Jimin since the day they met.
It doesn’t hurt to try, right?
Jimin doesn’t want to see her kissing another girl ever again, if she can help it. Either she gets let down easily now, and moves on, or…
With a sudden burst of bravery, she sits up straighter in bed. Pauses the show they’re watching. Takes off her face mask, then, with no hesitation, because this is nothing new for them, takes off Taehyung’s as well.
"Hey, um."
Taehyung sits up as well, following her lead. They’re facing each other now, weirdly reminiscent of their first kiss, and the memory of it almost makes Jimin smile. Oh, how clueless she’d been.
"Taetae. Tae." She reaches out to rub her non-greasy hand across Taehyung’s cheekbone. "I… I really want to kiss you again. Will you let me?"
Unexpectedly, or maybe expectedly, Taehyung’s face falls.
"Oh. Like, like friends, right?" she asks, looking down. "You don’t think it’ll be weird, now? Knowing I’m gay?"
Jimin shakes her head. Feels a blush coming on, matching the pink of her pajama set, the pillow she hugs to her lap.
"Um. That’s the other thing," she mumbles. "I… I kind of think I’m gay, too? Or, at least bi. You know? So, yeah."
"Oh," Taehyung says. "Oh."
"Yeah," Jimin shrugs.
"So, you–" Taehyung trails off, looking confused. "You kiss boys for fun, too? Friendly?"
Jimin giggles.
"Well, I could, I guess, why not. But…" she gazes at Taehyung from under her eyelashes. "I kind of think… This doesn’t have to be strictly friendly, between us." At Taehyung’s blank stare, she adds, "If– if you’re okay with that."
But Taehyung looks… unconvinced, still.
"Jimin, if I’m just going to be an experiment, or a trial run, to see if you really like girls, then–"
"No, silly," Jimin interrupts her with a sigh. She brings their foreheads together, and, when she sees that Taehyung is still looking skeptic, with her shoulders tightly wrung, Jimin leans forward and rubs the tips of their noses together. "What I’m trying to say is… I’m in love with you. Think I probably have been, for… a long time now. I was just too stupid to realize. But what I've always known is… I never want to kiss anyone else. Ever again. I just want to be with you. In whatever way you’ll have me. So… please? Say something?"
"You… love… me?" Taehyung manages to get out, sounding strangled. Jimin laughs.
"More than you’ll ever know."
Taehyung’s eyes flit across her face, looking for any sign of a lie, and when they don’t find it
She
Kisses Jimin.
Before Jimin can even process how good it feels, Taehyung is pulling herself back to say, "Just for the record, me too. Absolutely. Since we were teens. Since the first time we kissed, maybe. Even earlier, probably."
And then, again not giving Jimin any time to reply, she dives back in.
Thing is, Jimin realizes, Taehyung has never kissed her first. It was always Jimin initiating, Jimin begging, Jimin suggesting, Taehyung indulging.
Except, it wasn’t indulging. It was Taehyung, reluctant, afraid of her own feelings being obvious. And afraid of how it'd make Jimin feel.
Thankfully for both of them, it makes Jimin feel great.
Taehyung is almost thirsty for it. Pressing into Jimin like she wants to drink her up whole. Like she’s been holding back, all these years, and she probably has. Jimin shudders out a gasp, and for all their previous kisses, the ones that felt amazing and exemplary and the best in the world– they don’t even compare. This. This is the real thing. Neither of them holding back, just trying to suck each others faces off, and it’s fucking great.
"You haven’t had sex with a girl yet, have you?" Taehyung pulls away to ask. At Jimin’s shake of the head, something truly dangerous appears on her face, and Jimin has never been so scared and so horny at the same time. "Well, we have a lot to catch up on, then, don’t we?"
Jimin burns.
Taehyung pulls her under the sheets, laptop and schoolbooks and empty chicken containers flying off, and Jimin giggles, thinking, this is it. This is how it was always meant to be.
This is how it will be, hopefully for a very long time. Hopefully, forever.