Work Text:
On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…
1. A candy cane in a wrapped sleeve
Atsumu is two fingers deep inside of his boyfriend when an awful, awful hand disappears behind him. Kiyoomi is weary, but he’s used to being weary when it comes to Atsumu’s spontaneous streaks, though he’ll never admit out loud that a bit of excitement accompanies it. The bedroom is dim, but Kiyoomi makes out something hooked gleam in the corner of his vision. It’s small, thin, white, and starts to crinkle, like Atsumu is unwrapping a present and—
“Atsumu,” Kiyoomi chokes, scrambling a half a foot backwards across the mattress and almost giving himself a concussion. “Did you fucking take a candy cane off of the Christmas tree in our shared kitchen?”
Atsumu pouts, and pauses to spin it like a pen. "Aw, come on, Omi, it'll be-"
"Get that the fuck away. That is not going inside of me. Are you crazy?”
“Wow. Lotta ‘fucks’ comin’ out of you tonight. It's wrapped, ya drama queen. Inside's clean as a whistle.”
“That is fucking unsanitary,” Kiyoomi hisses, palming at his eyes like it would save him from his personal hell. He doesn’t even know where to start. “I don’t want a minty asshole. You are crazy."
“It’s wrapped,” Atsumu insists, like repeating it changes the reality that this is the stupidest idea that’s ever come out of his mouth, which says a lot. “It’s the holiday season, c’mon!”
“Candy cane isn't sterile. We’re not—I’m taking a shower.”
“What!” Atsumu points the candy cane at him, accusatory, and Kiyoomi recoils again on account of the fact Atsumu thought there was an above 0% chance that it was going to go inside of him. “You’re not sterile. I thought it was a great idea!”
Kiyoomi takes a long, cold shower and vows to never eat anything peppermint flavored in his entire life again.
2. Two toasty fires
Kiyoomi knows he’s been in a bit of a mood since yesterday, but he’s pretty sure his reasoning for it is more than fair. When the rest of the MSBY members come home after an izakaya outing, Kiyoomi is in the corner of the kitchen, keeping as much space as possible between him and the people filtering through the door.
“What’s up with you?” Inunaki hums, filling himself with a cup of water as his gaze flickers between Kiyoomi and Atsumu, the latter of which closes the door behind the group, grumbling.
“Ignore him,” huffs Atsumu. “Omi can’t appreciate an innovative boyfriend, that’s what.”
“So… a lover’s spat.” Inunaki makes the conclusion with little actual interest, gaze wandering over a drunk Hinata and Bokuto stumble over each other trying to take off their shoes in a beeline for the fireplace until they settle back on Atsumu appraisingly.
“Not really,” mutters Kiyoomi. “Anyways, can someone stop Bokuto and Hinata from stripping in front of the fireplace, because they are both definitely on their way to do that right now.”
With an “oh!” Inunaki turns right around to grab them by the back of their hoodies and sling them away from the said fireplace, which happens to be towards Kiyoomi. He does not appreciate that.
“A lover’s spat? What’d he do?” Hinata giggles, joining the conversation out of forced proximity and not out of really knowing what’s going on. Bokuto gurgles something horrible and falls to the floor.
Atsumu opens his mouth to answer, but Kiyoomi beats him to it, keeping his voice as flat and neutral as possible to reel in a forming migraine. “He tried to put a candy cane inside of my asshole.”
Hinata laughs.
Atsumu and Kiyoomi don't.
Hinata stops laughing pretty quickly.
3. Three blushing elves
Kiyoomi wakes up the next day to an elf on the shelf staring at him on the nightstand beside his bed—its once spherical felt hands mutilated have been fashioned to flip him off with a deformed, obviously handmade middle finger—and immediately knows Atsumu spent at least 500 yen of their hard earned paychecks on craft scissors.
He brushes his teeth while wondering if the North Pole has some kind of equivalent to OSHA laws.
4. Four colored wrappings
A national tragedy occurs on the 12th when Akaashi stays over at the MSBY dorms and a press meeting with a select few members of MSBY all return home at once, in striking resemblance to the Post Candy Cane Confrontation Incident from a few days ago.
The tragedy goes like this: Five past 3PM. Enter Kiyoomi, Atsumu, and Meian, in that order. They slept on the bus back, so they are almost silent as they stand around the kitchen island with little gusto.
Seven past 3PM. Tomas follows. He reads the room and is therefore also silent, but does a much louder job of opening and closing the front door. Something rustles in Bokuto’s bedroom.
Ten past 3PM. As people start to disperse to their relative areas, Bokuto’s door opens with a slam, and out stalks the man of the hour, buck fucking naked.
Meian covers his eyes. Inunaki clicks his tongue, looking pained. Atsumu does a 180. Hinata just stares, as does Kiyoomi, his eyes devoid of hope or joy.
Kiyoomi thinks he’s had his fill of Christmas cheer by now, actually.
“What the fuck are you doin’, Bo!” squawks Atsumu, gesturing wildly to nothing in particular over his shoulder. Kiyoomi watches as Bokuto looks around the living room in slow motion, finding the rolls of messily cut communal wrapping paper rolls tossed hastily on the table beside the sofa, and pulls the end of one to cover his dick. Happy snowmen and prancing reindeer tear in half as he tries to force himself back into his bedroom, yelling.
“I thought the door opening was the dryer going off!” Bokuto shrieks. “I wanted to put on warm underwear!”
“God help us,” Meian mutters under his breath.
“God is dead,” Inunaki assures his captain, peeking through his fingertips as a soft comforting voice that Kiyoomi recognizes as Akaashi sounds from Bokuto’s room.
5. Five candy houses
Meian had asked for the gingerbread house entries to be safe for work. Kiyoomi hadn’t thought volleyball needed HR until now, because they were all clearly lacking some understanding of what safe for work meant.
Meian’s house is conservative and simple, with small jelly gumdrops and frosting all a soft lavender, his wife’s favorite color. The graham cracker driveway is crushed expertly, and looks rather realistic.
Kiyoomi’s house is meticulously built and stands smaller, but he makes up for it with its show of craftsmanship. All of the gingerbread walls are cut with needle-like precision, and each dot of icing is the exact same size. A congruous amount of powdered sugar coats the roof tiles, dusting the entire composition in a harmonious layer of white.
‘Safe for work’ gets blurry after that.
Atsumu’s frosting looks like it’s done by a toddler, and on closer inspection, the windows are dick-shaped, which Kiyoomi has long learned is Atsumu’s favorite font of humor.
Bokuto’s has a bed outside of the house, which is a one way ticket to pneumonia, but more problematically has a crude drawing of Akaashi and pillows with YES plastered over them in soggy paper cutouts that are inedible, and therefore, are a clear violation of the contest rules.
Hinata’s is just a giant volleyball with a fucking pretzel door on it. Nothing is inherently offensive about that one, but Kiyoomi is both disappointed and not surprised.
This is enough Christmas, Kiyoomi thinks.
6. Six strings of popcorn
The holiday cheer bleeds into their practices, to Kiyoomi’s disdain.
“How about whoever misses the next one has to eat a popcorn garland off the Christmas tree?” pants Hinata, doubled over as Inunaki casually sets another ball his way for Hinata to catch and serve again.
Meian’s also around this time, which means Kiyoomi doesn’t have to be the voice of reason. Good. “Can we not put the dorm holiday decorations on the line for the sake of a silly bet, please?”
“Yes,” agrees Kiyoomi. “Also, that’s disgusting.”
“Sounds like somethin’ a loser would say,” Atsumu calls, stepping up to the service line and nailing another serve square in the back corner of the court.
“No, it sounds like something someone who doesn’t want food poisoning would say,” Kiyoomi snipes back, but he steps up to the line anyway.
7. Seven leafy bushels
“Hey, Omi-Omi.” Atsumu shuffles through a few channels, his expression bored as he cuts off multiple voices in his search for something interesting to watch. ‘ Tonight on Sports News, we—get your Pillow Pet for a 25 percent holiday disc—No risk of snow, with a chance for rain in the eve—No, Vincent, I’m not cheating on you—’
Kiyoomi grunts. “What.”
“...Are you still mad about the candy cane thing?”
Shifting on the couch, Kiyoomi pulls his side of the blanket up higher so it doesn’t graze the floor. “No,” he admits. “I’d rather just forget it happened.”
“Do you still like me?” Atsumu hovers over a match of beach volleyball, then keeps shuffling.
“Unfortunately.”
“...I still thought it was a good idea.”
“We all think things,” Kiyoomi says gravely. He ends it there.
“If you’re not mad at me anymore, can I give you a blowjob now?” Atsumu uses the remote to point towards the ceiling. When Kiyoomi looks at the ceiling, a bushel of some kind of greenery—spinach?—stares back at him, which he assumes is a poor imitation of mistletoe.
“That’s going to rot,” Kiyoomi grimaces. “How did you even manage to get tape to stick to the popcorn ceiling?”
“It was with Inunaki’s help,” Atsumu explains, looking proud. Somehow, that actually does explain it.
“That’s not how it goes. It’s a kiss, not a blowjob. That’s unromantic.”
“What, is Hallmark gonna sue me or put a hit out on me somethin’? Blowjobs are plenty romantic.”
"Your idea of romance is so unsavable that it rivals Hinata's idea of correlating it with volleyball."
“Not a no,” preens Atsumu, crawling over.
“Not a no,” Kiyoomi agrees, running a few fingers through Atsumu’s hair and tugging him downwards.
8. Eight baby deer
“I’m not drunk, Tsum-Tsum, Omi! I’m fine, I’m just— hicc —”
“You are riding the light up deer on our lawn in boxers,” Atsumu cackles, and for once, Kiyoomi agrees. “You’re shitfaced. Come inside before you catch a cold, Bo.”
“No! If you want me to come in, you need to find Akaashi, so I can—hicc—come in—get it, ‘cause it’s a sex joke—”
“Ooh-kay,” Atsumu shouts loudly, pulling Bokuto off the deer which miraculously hasn’t crumbled under the athlete’s weight. “Omi, can you keep the door open?”
Maybe his boyfriend did have a brain sometimes. Then Kiyoomi thinks about The Candy Cane Incident again, and holds the door open while trying to manifest superpowers that could force his body to kill off his own neurons for even thinking about that possibility.
9. Nine fluffy stockings
Kiyoomi corners his boyfriend in the living with a mission to fulfill, his lip quirked distastefully. He can’t believe it’s only mid December. “Atsumu. Stop filling the stockings with penis shaped tic-tacs. No one thinks it’s funny.”
They’re not alone, and Bokuto takes the opportunity to chime in defensively from the kitchen table. “I think it’s funny!” He declares, shaking one of his many gifted tic-tac containers, and maybe it’s just because Kiyoomi is annoyed with how many holiday related shenanigans have been occurring in the last few weeks, but he thinks he can hear their phallic shape as they rattle around in their container.
Exhausted, Kiyoomi swivels to Bokuto, trying not to pop a vein. “Bokuto, isn’t Akaashi defending his PhD thesis later today?”
Bokuto brightens at the sound of his boyfriend’s name so vividly that Pavlov would rush him into a testing chamber if he’d been present. “I—yes! He is! You remembered! It’s in—” A sneak peak at the wreath-framed clock on the wall— “Five hours and forty seven minutes! I should! Call him! Like right now!”
Kiyoomi smiles saccharinely, which in reality is just a flat line. “Yes. That. Go do that.”
Beaming and promptly forgetting the scene in front of him, Bokuto stands and rushes off to his room, hands slapping every pocket on his body in search of his phone.
Kiyoomi turns back to Atsumu. “You’re not off the hook,” he tells him.
Atsumu whistles, watching Bokuto giddily pull his phone up to his ear. “Wow, babe. You’ve gotten really good at handlin’ him.”
“Stop. Putting. Genitalia. Candy. In. The. Stockings. It’s annoying and loud when people like Bokuto carry around the containers everywhere.”
Like clockwork, a loud ‘oops!’ sounds from Bokuto’s room, and what follows is the pitter-patter of a trillion certainly dick-shaped tic-tacs scattering across the floor, which is, by the way, the room that Kiyoomi occasionally traverses because it has an extra cabinet of cleaning supplies.
Kiyoomi pops a vein anyways thinking of a penis resembling tic-tac indent on his foot.
10. Ten late night snacks
Meian betrays Kiyoomi only a few nights before Christmas.
The one person he could count on to not defile housekeeping and a few fellow member’s effort to keep up some holiday spirit is found smuggling unholy amounts of fudge which, when confronted, admitted was for his wife back at home who took a liking to Tomas’ recipe.
The heathen. Kiyoomi was looking forward to eating the raspberry flavored ones with his coffee tomorrow. Because everything is way too serious and way too stupid in the MSBY dorms, Meian is promptly banned from the communal fridge for the rest of the week when the team finds out and is forced at metaphorical gunpoint to eat a string of popcorn off of the Christmas tree while everyone eggs him on.
Meian clutches his stomach in the locker room the next day.
11. Eleven Shiny orn’ments
“Cap! Cap!”
Meian peeks his head out of the kitchen, his eyebrows furrowing. The frilly Santa apron he wears is oddly fitting, but Kiyoomi doesn’t comment on it and just enjoys his tea from the safety of his rocking chair.
“What?” Their captain calls back, gaze zeroing in on an Atsumu standing behind the Christmas tree, four plastic ornaments in hand, and then to Hinata in some kind of defensive yoga pose a few feet away. “What are you two doing?”
“Atsumu keeps throwing ornaments at me!” complains Hinata, dodging another plastic ornament as it flies across the room. It almost lands in Kiyoomi’s teacup, and he’s glad for them that it didn’t.
“Stop it, you two,” Meian snaps. “Are you children?”
“Clearly,” Kiyoomi grumbles. This time, an ornament actually lands in his tea, and then he’s standing up.
“Sit down, Sakusa,” barks Meian. “Atsumu, put them down.”
Kiyoomi listens, but only when Hinata runs over to pick up the ornament and chucks it square at Atsumu’s nose. Atsumu howls, but listens as well—Meian can be scary—and comes out from behind the tree, starting to hang the ornaments again.
“Seriously.” Meian sighs, shaking his head and turning back to his curry. “I can’t believe my contract fuckin’ includes herding around gremlins all day.”
Kiyoomi walks over to dump his dirty tea in the sink, mouth quirked downwards in agreement. “Merry Christmas, Captain,” he offers dryly.
“Sit down, Sakusa.”
12. Twelve rolls of tinsel
There is a second holiday related sex tragedy in the month of December, because the MSBY dorms know no peace.
The tragedy goes like this: 8PM. A good chunk of the MSBY members are littered around the television, watching a Saw movie, because nothing screams Christmas like a good decapitation. Kageyama is over for this one, in town to see Hinata before he goes back to his family for the actual holidays, and no one says anything when they disappear thirty minutes into the movie and don’t come back.
Twelve past nine. Tomas and Inunaki get up and leave after the movie ends, retreating to their relevant dorms. Only Kiyoomi and Atsumu are left on the couch, and they start to make their way back to Atsumu’s room—the furthest room from everyone else—before things get too frisky.
Fourteen past nine. The laundry room is the last thing between Kiyoomi, Atsumu, and a good dicking down.
Fifteen past nine. The laundry room door opens. Hinata is pinning a half naked Kageyama against a washing machine, whose wrists are tied in strings of tinsel, golden and glimmering even with the bare amounts of illumination filtering through the window. Atsumu screams, Kiyoomi jumps, and the mid-fornication couple scramble to cover themselves with very little success, key point being Kageyama writhing around on the floor like a paralyzed snake.
"Dude," Atsumu yelps, looking at his boyfriend with a grimace to avoid eye contact with Kageyama, giving up and speeding past them with Kiyoomi in tow, slamming the door behind them. “Is this how ya felt about the candy cane thing?”
Kiyoomi thinks there is kind of a difference between tinsel bondage and a spicy peppermint buttplug, but he stays quiet for now, just staring at the floor and waiting for it to swallow him whole.
Muffled by the door, Hinata laughs.
Atsumu and Kiyoomi don't.
Hinata keeps laughing this time.