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Insecurity and staying true to oneself

Summary:

It was supposed to be a silly, harmless question. How had Satoru been able to foresee the emotional turmoil he'd bring upon himsef and Suguru, and the strain on their relationship?

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

Work Text:

Satoru and Suguru didn’t hit off well at first. Suguru was aggravated by Satoru’s ego and god-complex, while the latter was put off by Suguru’s hero-complex. Still, somehow, they had become friends and faster than Satoru could have expected, he found himself infatuated with the other teen. However, Satoru was inexperienced in the romance department and thus could not tell if Suguru reciprocated. Heck, he didn’t even know what Suguru's type was! Unbelievable, considering they were best friends. On the other hand, Satoru was glad Suguru himself had never asked him, because he’d have to lie. Still, one evening, when Satoru was hogging Suguru’s bed, the question escaped his mouth. 

 

“Suguru~”, Satoru drawled, sitting up, and the teen in question hummed, not looking up from his book.

“What is it?”

“What’s your type?”

Suguru looked up and stared at him. Satoru stared back, hoping his nerves were not visible. No way he had just asked the forbidden question. 

“...My type?”

“Yeah, y’know, love and stuff.”

“Where is this coming from?”

Satoru wanted to throttle Suguru. Couldn’t he just answer the question?

“Ah, just curiosity.”

“Hmm, let me think of how to formulate it.”, Suguru said and closed his book. For a few seconds, he contemplatively looked at the cover before his face softened. Satoru inhaled sharply at the sight and his knees started bouncing in dreaded anticipation.

“I think I’d like someone with a sweet smile, who listens and, well”, Suguru coughed, embarrassed, “who loves me devotedly, I guess.” 

Cheeks red, Suguru opened his book again, not looking at Satoru. Had he looked, he would have noticed all the colour having drained from Satoru’s face and the dullness of his eyes. 

1 out of 3 , he dejectedly thought. To make matters worse, the other two conditions were not something he could easily change. Apparently, he had been quiet for too long, because Suguru was looking at him again. 

“You’re so quiet. Did I catch you off guard? It is pretty unrealistic, isn’t it?”

Unrealistic? No, Satoru would be more than happy to love Suguru unconditionally, but with 1 out of 3, he didn’t have much of a chance, especially because Suguru hadn’t mentioned any gender. 

“Well, isn’t it supposed to be a bit unrealistic?”, Satoru muttered. Suguru cleared his throat.

“Soo, what about you? Any preferences?”

Satoru  coughed. “

Later in his room, Satoru stared at the ceiling. The hollowness in his chest hadn’t shrunken, and he cursed at himself. Why did he have to ask? Had he really needed the confirmation that he had no chance? Suddenly, he shot up. What was it Suguru had let slip a few weeks ago? That he was gay? Bi? Satoru couldn’t remember what it was, but he was confident boys were included. Meaning, if Satoru practised a sweet smile and tried to be obedient, he might have a chance! In his haste to untangle himself from the blanket, he fell out of the bed. A muffled “You okay?” came from Suguru’s room. 

“I’m fine, nothing happened.”

Intelligible gibberish came from the other side, but Satoru ignored it. He turned on his computer. He had a mission. Opening the internet browser, he clicked on the search bar:

 

How to practise a sweet smile 

 

The images looked…manageable and by the time morning had arrived, Satoru’s cheeks were aching. It must have been more noticeable than he thought, because during breakfast, Suguru poked his forehead with the back of his knife. 

“Do you have a toothache? You’re chewing so strangely. I told you multiple times to lay back your consumption of sweets -”

“I’m fine, I’m fine. My teeth are all strong and healthy.”, Satoru interrupted, before Suguru could launch another monologue about how dangerous too many sweets were for his health.”I’m just sore.” 

The silence falling over the table was only interrupted by the cluttering of metal on porcellain and when Satoru looked up, both Shoko and Suguru looking at him, Shoko in disbelief and Suguru was practically gaping and seemingly close to fainting. It took embarrassingly long for Satoru to understand and when he did, he flushed a deep red.

“Not because of that , you perverts! How even - ah, forget it.”

“Sorry that this is the first activity I thought of when you mentioned sore cheeks . Besides, you could have snuck out? How am I supposed to know.”, Shoko deadpanned. “Why else would anyone have a sore face?”

“...Smiling.” 

“Well”, Suguru said, having regained his composure, “whatever you watched must have been funny then.”

“Yeah, it was.”, Satoru coughed and dug into his breakfast. 

 

Unfortunately, Yaga came with a mission for Suguru and Satoru after breakfast. The latter groaned, but Suguru only patted his shoulder and said he’d expect him in half an hour outside the school. Suguru sent him a mild glare when Satoru was 5 minutes late, but it wasn’t unsurprising. The mission led them to Kyoto, and the curse was a large, disgusting slime. The entire mission took two hours.  

“Well, that was quick.”, Suguru said and dusted himself off. He winced when he touched a sore spot, but overall, he was unharmed. “We should return to the ho- YIKES, WTF!”

Out of instinct, he punched Satoru in the face and since Infinity didn’t register him as a threat, the fist collided full force with his nose. 

“Ow, Suguru, what was that for?”, Satoru groaned and held his bleeding nose. Fortunately, it didn’t feel broken. 

“You’re asking me that? Why did you jumpscare me with that face?!”, Suguru scolded and handed him a package of tissues. Satoru said nothing and Suguru didn’t continue asking. He flexed his fingers.

“As I was saying, we should return to the hotel. It’s getting late.”

Satoru opened his mouth to protest. There was enough time to get some food or, even better, a crêpe. However, he closed it again when he remembered Suguru’s second condition: obedience.

“Sounds good.”

“What, no sweets today?”, Suguru asked, an eyebrow raised sceptically. That was certainly unusual.

“Nope. I’ve decided to reduce my sugar intake. You were right, I was eating too much.”

“Who are you and what have you done to Satoru?”, Suguru laughed and threw an arm around Satoru’s shoulders. “Seems I won’t lose you to cardiovascular disease. I’m glad.” 

Internally, Satoru cheered in victory. He was on a good way, though he might have to pracrice his smiles, if his nose was anything to go by.

 

—------------

 

Something was wrong with Satoru, and Suguru didn’t like it. Frankly, it was freaking him out. For some inexplicable reason, Satoru was agreeing with and doing anything Suguru said, or just hinted at. Suguru wanted to go somehwere? Satoru agreed. Suguru wanted something to drink? Satoru brought him a drink. Suguru said the movie sucked? satoru agreed (even though Suguru knew Satoru normally liked action movies). It made him all skittish and he was not proud to admit it, but he had avoided Satoru a bit these past few days and limited their time together.

“I’m tempted to check if he’s not some imposter.”, Suguru said while smoking with Shoko. “You should see it! It’s eerie. And he only does it with me. To everyone else he's normal.”

“Mhm.”, was all Shoko said. 

“And those - those grimaces ! I think they’re supposed to be smiles? And again, somehow I am the only one getting them! Just a few days ago, he -”

“He?”

“He smiled at a group of highschoolers.”, Suguru mumbled and Shoko understood the implication. 

Satoru and Suguru had been on their way back to Jujutsu High after finishing a mission, when a group of highschool girls stopped them. Satoru had joked and flirted with them as always, and as always the sight had acidic jealousy rising in Suguru. However, what had shaken him to the core was the natural, sweet smile on Satoru’s face. It had been genuine and not one of those grimaces Suguru has been receiving lately. His heart grew heavy and he wondered what he had done wrong to lose the privilege of receiving Satoru’s real smile. 

 

Suguru shook his head and threw his cigarette away. He said his goodbye to Shoko, who, the moment his back was turned to her, rolled her eyes. 

“Think about what you said to him.”, she said, and Suguru threw her a confused look over his shoulder. Idiots, both of them.

On his way to the dorm, Suguru thought of his words and actions these past few weeks, looking for a clue for Satoru’s behaviour. His eyes widened. Could it be - no, that was impossible. Satoru had never said he liked boys, and Suguru had never witnessed him flirting with one. 

Suguru spotted Satoru and he clenched his jaw in determination. He’ll get his answers, and he’ll get them now.

Satoru yelped when Suguru suddenly grabbed his arm and dragged him to his room. Pushing him in, he slammed the door shut and crossed his arms, glaring at Satoru.

“Out with it. What are you doing?”

“What are you talking about?”, Satoru asked, growing uncomfortable. 

“Don’t play stupid. Your behaviour, it’s…off. You’re like a dog, following every order. It’s unnerving and creepy. And what’s with those grimaces you call a smile? Why do I only receive those grimaces?” He sighed and rubbed his forehead. “Just…what’s going on, Satoru?” 

The white haired teen in question said nothing. He was glad his eyes were hidden behind his sunglasses, because they felt suspiciously wet. He had failed. Instead of making himself more attractive, he had driven Suguru away. It was noticeable in the way the other teen avoided him. 

“Satoru?”, Suguru gently asked. 

“Ah it's…nothing.”, Satoru wanted to wave his concern away, but his voice betrayed him by breaking at the end. 

“You know you can talk to me, right?” 

Suguru knew he had won when Satoru's shoulders slumped and he sank on Suguru's bed, tucking his knees against his chest. Satoru felt his stomach twist into knots. So that's it. He'll lose him.

“I…I just thought you might like me better if I…was more like your type.”, he mumbled and Suguru’s brain stopped working. 

Like him better? If he was more like his type? Suguru barely dared ask the next question.

“Satoru, by attempting to - do you mean you - ?” 

“I love you, Suguru.”, Satoru mumbled, face hidden behind his knees. It was out now. Satoru didn’t really believe in a higher being, but he prayed to anyone who might be up there that Suguru won’t send him away. Said teen in question was standing shell-shocked in front of Satoru, gaping at him. Then it sunk in what Satoru had said and while Suguru was happy to find his feelings reciprocated, his joy was currently dampened by the fact that Satoru had thought he had to change to be lovable. 

Satoru tensed in surprise when he was pulled into a warm hug. It was tempting to nuzzle into Suguru’s neck, but he was overwhelmed. 

“Satoru”, Suguru whispered brokenly, “There is no need to - to change yourself. Never change yourself.”

“Sorry.”, Satoru sniffled into Suguru’s shoulder and swallowed the whine when Suguru moved back to look at him. His thumb gently wiped away the tear streaks and Satoru wanted to hide his face, knowing it was all red and splotchy. 

“I am the one who should apologise. I love you too, Satoru, but I was too cowardly to tell you.”

“What? That’s impossible.”, Satoru choked out. 

Suguru turned red. “It’s very much possible. I know communicating emotions isn’t always my strong forte -”

“No, you don’t love me. That’s impossible.”, Satoru interrupted him and Suguru frowned. 

“Huh?”

“I - 1 out of 3.”

“Again, huh ?”

“Don’t make me spell it out!”

“I’m afraid you must, because I have no idea what you’re talking about. What is 1 out of 3?”

Satoru hid his face beyond his hands. “You mentioned three conditions: A sweet smile, obedience and loving you unconditionally. The first two don’t apply to me, so one out of three.”

 

Suguru’s heart ached. How had this spiralled so out of control? Had he truly been so convinced of a one-sided attraction that he had been blind to Satoru’s feelings? Consequently, he had unwittingly hurt Satoru, making him believe he had to change in order to be loved by him. Gently, Suguru pried Satoru’s hands away and forced him to meet his eyes. 

“I am beside myself with joy knowing that you love me that much, but the other two apply as well. When I was talking about obedience, I didn’t mean that my partner should behave like a dog and jump to do every order I give. I meant that if I said “Be careful”,”Wear a jacket, it’s cold outside”, or “Don’t jump in front of a curse”, I’m expecting to be listened to because those orders stem from concern and care. And you do listen - for the most part. You still jump in front of curses, but I can’t really fault you that, not when I’d do the same. In hindsight, I could have formulated it better. And your smile”, Suguru laid his forehead against Satoru’s, never breaking eye contact, “Your smile is the sweetest I have ever seen. So you see, Satoru, you fit all the qualifications perfectly.”

 

Satoru hardly dared to breathe. He…fit? A part of him struggled to believe it, but there was nothing but sincerity in Suguru’s face. With a breathy sob, Satoru fell around the other's neck and Suguru, ever reliable, caught him.  

“You’ll tell me if I get too annoying, won't you?”

“As if you could.”, Suguru said and pressed a kiss to Satoru’s lips. Fascinatingly, he watched Satoru’s pale cheeks turn red, contrasting his blue eyes. “Don’t think I’ll let you go that easily.”

“Good.”, Satoru said, “Because I don’t plan on letting you go any time soon either.” 

 

Notes:

Aww those silly boys.

I hope you enjoyed it. If so, do not hesitate to leave kudos, comments and (constructive) criticism ^^

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