Chapter Text
"All The World's A Stage." - Furina De Fontaine
Feb 14th - 13:00:00
Wanda "Archon of The Opera" Maximoff
Atop a Target Store on the 7000 Austin St, Queens, NY 11375, United States
"There is a tide in the affairs of men..."
I said, quoting Shakespeare. Methinks:
"From this point onward, this Opera will become... Much more interesting~"
I, Wanda Maximoff, muses to my audience: You, the reader, the watcher, the theater goer, the patron.
"Yes, indeed, I am both author & villain of this 'Play'. Are you surprised?"
I once again ask the play goers directly, acting as if I was Furina, the Archon of Fontaine.
"Hmph, I supposed not."
I sat myself upon a mangrove tree over by the Target store, its roots burrowed deep within the foundation.
"A murder mystery would be no fun if you already know who the killer is... However, I've made sure to put multiple red flags and herrings for you to obsess over."
My legs hang from the branch like vines, my clothes are as red as the algae bloom of California's tides.
"Every author's greatest dream is to see their work come to life. But enough about me, you're here to see Peter Parker, right?"
I teleport into the abandoned Target store, revealing that Peter Parker is currently inside.
"He's such a good kid, too bad this world isn't built for the likes of him."
Peter Parker could not see me, his Spidey Sense could not detect me. For I am God.
"This story is mine, do you understand? Everything that happens, transpire for the sake of my own entertainment."
With but a flick of my pinkie, I reshaped reality, turning on the lights inside of the entire building.
"Woah! What the heck?!"
Peter Parker was spooked, it was pitch black just a moment ago, if it wasn't for his phone, he wouldn't be able to see at all.
"Act 1 will follow Peter and the other 3 from Apt 44D, but for Act 2? I guess I'll spice it up with a protagonist switch."
Peter's eyes suddenly darts towards the women's section of the store, and he is then reminded of Kamala Khan.
"Oh right! Kamala did told me to get something if I ever did go outside. I need to call her up real quick."
I was standing right next to Peter Parker, but I did not allow him to acknowledge my existence.
"Don't worry, Peter, I won't treat you like how those Marvel Writers treat you. Unlike them, I am kind, merciful, and forgiving.
I'll give you your happy ending, the only question is... Will you take it?
Will Peter Parker ever be able to let go of his mask? Will he finally get to rest after all the abuse?
Don't know, but I sure as hell want him to."
The moment Kamala Khan picks up the phone, Peter immediately asks her:
"Yo, Kamala! What size pussy do you wear? I'm at the women's section in Target right now."
Lmao! I laughed my hardest while writing that line for him to say.
"Oh, Peter! Take the Medium one! And also find some L size pads for my mom too!"
Kamala immediately answers him without a single trace of surprise in her voice, it's almost as if she's just as autistic? "crazy" as he is.
"Thanks, Kamala, I'll be back in a few minutes, love you!"
But just as Peter was about to hang up, Kamala then calls out to him:
"No! Wait! Peter! Baby formula! We need more baby formula, for Amani!"
Hearing this, Peter immediately face palms:
"Oh right! Your mother has BREAST CANCER!!! How could I have forgotten!? I'm so sorry Kamala, I'll be right back."
But Kamala reassures him:
"No, no! Peter, you're perfect<3 it's not your fault, I know that, we all forget things sometimes, so don't be too harsh on yourself. Peter, I love you so much!"
By the way... This type of text is meant to denote me trolling the audience with funny lines and descriptions.
Peter still regrets almost forgetting the baby formula for Amani Sana Khan, the newborn baby sister of Kamala Khan.
"I know, it's just, I'm so embarrassed."
I watch Peter rubs his head and speak with an awkward voice. Then, Muneeba Khan also joins in on the call to say:
"Oh, don't worry about it! I'll forgive you just as long as you marry my daughter :DDD"
I giggled while writing this line of dialogue for Muneeba Khan to say. Kamala of course, gets flustered hard from this reveal:
"MOMMM!!! Don't just say that!!!"
Muneeba cackled and laughed like an evil queen from a Disney classic. She just like me fr fr.
Oh, this is starting to sound like a Wattpad fanfic, I need to stop.
"Oh, by the way, Peter! Remember to get some more food for us is you ever come across any! I'm sick of eating ramen."
Said Kamala Khan, which prompted Peter to run all over Target just find a duffle bag, this is so he could store everything they need for when he returns.
"Yep! I will! Thanks Kamala! Thanks Muneeba! You two are the best!"
One by one, Pete leaps across the isles, using his black symbiote infused webs to grab every articles of essentials that they need.
Peter Parker (Thinking): "But the only thing that's left in the store, are beans, that's it. Oh man, I sure hope Kamala doesn't declare Jihad over this."
Muneeba Khan: "You're welcome Peter! Say hi to Amani!"
Amani Sana Khan: "Goo goo ga ga, lmao."
Kamala Khan: "Safe trip! Peter! I love you!"
After blitzing through the canned food isles, women's sections, and many others, Peter Parker finally exits the abandoned convenient store by crashing through the roof like a maniac.
"I mean, could you blame him? Now that he has the symbiote, he's practically invincible! The only doensides is that his emotions becomes much more volatile as a results.
Oh boy, I sure hope that this doesn't come to bite him in his itsy bitsy ass."
I said, standing right below the hole Peter had just created just to "marvel" (Ha! Get it?) at his magnificent strength and speed.
I then teleport onto the roof of MB Beta, just to get a full comprehensive view of the entire thing.
"Ahh, so peaceful, if only this could last forever."
I see Peter Parker swinging through the air as his black tendrils latches onto the buildings far away.
"Like as the waves make towards the pebbled shore, so do our minutes hasten to their end."
I casually quoted Shakespeare once again just as Peter launches himself onto the 14th Floor of MB Alpha, landing carefully as to not break anything at the point of impact.
"Oh, how lonely it is, to be the passionate author of a story, with no one else to talk to."
I sink myself into a deep loathing, it feels so awful, to have an amazing story in your head, with no one else to share it with.
"Oh! I know! I'll just create a character and talk to them about my hobbies instead! Since none of my AO3 readers ever bothered to comment anyways."
I, Wanda Maximoff, then gloriously, triumphantly even! Declares my intention as I prepare to rewrite reality just to ease my boredom.
"But who...? And what?"
I suddenly sink into an abyss of writer's block.
"I need a character who's just like me in a way, not an all powerful deity, but rather, a curious, and adventurous spirit, capable of casually conversing with a being of incomprehensible might despite being far weaker."
I then manifests a bunch of manga and comic books into existence, from Chainsaw Man, Jujutsu Kaisen, Bleach, Death Note, John Bryne's The Sensational She-Hulk to The Unbelievable Gwenpool comic series...
"Let's see, let's see which character should I choose as my companion? Hmm? Man, this is so exciting! It's like I get to choose my own DnD adventure party!"
I constantly shifted back and forward, reading thousands of pages of manga, manhwa (Korean), manhua (Chinese), western comics and even indie webtoons and AO3 fanfics.
"Ahh~! So many to choose from! Oh! I know!"
And then, just as sudden as a riptide or a tsunami on the shore, a character was summoned into existence:
It was a person dressed in a dark blue Japanese style buddhist monk attire, wearing a kasaya that's decorated in gold flowery pattern alternating between a sea of deep green jade-like coloring.
"Huh? Where am I?"
Asked Kenjaku, a character plucked right from the depths of Gege Akutami's Jujutsu Kaisen cast. At my behest, as the god of this multiverse, I had summoned a character from an entirely different series into my Fanfic!
"Are you... The one who sent me here?"
I was fangirling so hard as "he" stood there, confused.
"I was at Lake Gosho Colony at Iwate Prefecture, when Okkotsu Yuta showed up."
Kenjaku then lets his hand caresses his neck as he look around in confusion.
"Ah! Feels so stiff!"
I was standing around smiling like a crazed fangirl as Kenjaku continues to evaluate his surroundings while also performing some stretching exercises to relieve his neck pains.
"Is this another one of Takaba's tricks or something? Or maybe Yuta had copied his ability?"
Asked Kenjaku as he turned to me with an exasperated expression.
"Nope! It's all me! I'm God! By the way, nice to meet you."
I then happily shake his hands as if I was at an anime convention.
"Oh, so you're Takaba Fumihiko, then?"
Kenjaku looks confused, but he isn't like the others, he's not scared, in fact, he seems like a child who's just discovered a different part of the funhouse.
"Oh~ I get it now, I'm dead... I died and then I was transported to different universe. This is an overused Isekai trope, I've seen it all."
Kenjaku spoke casually, as if he's been through this before.
"Ding! Ding! Ding! You're right on the money! Kenny my boy! Now that you're here in this universe! You'll be my beta reader!"
I yell out with great enthusiasm, only to be met with a disappointed sigh from the Immortal Sorcerer.
"(Sigh) Alright, it's not like I have a choice."
I jump up in joy as I celebrate:
"Hooray! My first critic! This is so exciting!"
Kenjaku then noticed that a signed paperback copy of both of my fanfics: "Of Silk & Rubber: A Snezhnayan Song", and, "Of Silk & Rubber: A Fontaine of Sorrow", had already been summoned into reality and is currently sitting in the palm of his hands.
"Ah, so this is what you've been raving about? I see, very meta."
Kenjaku proceeds to read both stories simultaniously by splitting the focus from both of his eyes onto each of the fanfics which I wrote.
He looks really funny, so silly, he's just like me fr fr. I'm such a quirky woman, haha :3
"Hmm, you have a very unique writing style. Wanda, a word of advice..."
Said Kenjaku, to which I nodded:
"Please make sure to keep your magic system and story as a whole:
1. Consistent.
2. Coherent.
3. Consequential.
As an immortal sorcerer whose wealth of knowledge is as vast and boundless as the starry skies; I've had many displeasures caused by fanfics which attempts and fails to capture the splendor of the series that they were based on.
The one thing that all of these failed creations have in common, is the refusal to follow these 3 simple rules.
Realism and Believability doesn't matter when it comes to fiction. What truly does though, is Immersion.
(Bro thinks this is Jujutsu Kaisen Chapter 136 by the way he's yapping. Blud, this is NOT The Shibuya Incident Finale - Gate Close.)
Immersion is broken when the rules you've set are broken. If plot armor protects a character from dying from an injury that they should die from (in universe), then the audience would be dismayed by such events.
But this isn't the end, one little instance of this doesn't make or break your series, but the repeated and constant breaking of the shackles which bounds your audience to you, will eventually set them free from ever enjoying your series to the fullest.
Take One Piece for example, Eiichiro Oda's masterpiece was built from merticulously setting up the world, and (mostly) NOT breaking it in service of the short term hype (except for G5 joyboy retcon).
If Oda had suddenly told his audience in the middle of Water 7 that... Oh, and aliens exist now, and the world government was just a bunch of aliens disguised as humans, with zero build up.
What do you think the audience's reaction to that information would be?
Sure, in the short term, people would be hyped and shocked in reaction to the reveal, but think about it for a moment, and it all falls apart in the long term.
The themes, the world, and the characters we've had all come to know, which had been so carefully built up, suddenly falls apart with just one little misstep."
I was listening intently as Kenjaku kept yapping. For some strange reason, there's this feeling of uneasiness pouring over me as I slowly process his words.
"This example is quite similar to the Krull's Secret Invasion event in Marvel Comics, or, to take a more recent example, the reveal that Captain America was actually a Hydra Agent all along in Captain America: Steve Rogers No. 1.
I mean, sure, it's a shocking reveal, but ask yourself this question: Is it really worth it?
To sacrifice your entire world building and characterization for the sake of knocking the audience over their heads?
(Blud is still yapping?!?! 💀💀💀)
In the short terms, you might see a slight boost in comic sales, but eventually, people will stop taking you seriously as author.
Because you stopped taking your own world building seriously.
How can you as an author expect people to take you seriously when you constantly act like such a clown?"
Wanda Maximoff was completely shocked as Kenny continues to "dismantle" her with nothing but his words.
"Please, Wanda, do not repeat their mistake. You have childlike wonders and curiosity, much like me, but even I know when to takes things seriously and LOCK IN."
Kenjaku looks Wanda straight in her eyes as she suddenly cries. His words are simply too hurtful.
"Oh, Wanda- I didn't- Well, shit. I'm fucked."
Kenjaku felt scared as he thought that Wanda would obliterate him for criticizing her.
"No, no, you're right! (Wipes tears) I'm happy."
Wanda continues to whimper as Kenny sweat bullets from the stress.
Kenjaku: "Are you though? You don't look happy, in fact, you look absolutely miserable."
Wanda Maximoff: "No, I'm glad, thank you, Kenny, thank you for enlightening me on my folly, I am truly grateful."
Kenjaku was still afraid, he was too used to dealing with Sukuna Ryoumen, a calamity that would not hesitate to kill any and all creatures who irritates it, regardless if such acts would benefit it or not.
Kenjaku recoils awkwardly as he watches Wanda Maximoff says:
"Okay, I'm all over it now! Let's go, Kenny! Let us bear witness to this new arc: A Cruel Angel's Thesis!"
She then picks him up like a child and runs across the air. Kenjaku's eyes are wide open as his trembling voice fly across the apartment complex:
"A Cruel Angel's Thesis?! Oh~ I get it, it's a reference! You sure do love doing that, don't you Wanda?"
To which she laughs with the facial expression of an asylum inmate. Kenny laments as Wanda Maximoff continues to cackle like thunder in the rain.
"See you next time on dragon deez nutz chapter!"