Work Text:
KARKAT: OBVIOUSLY THE FIRST STOP ON OUR ITINERARY WILL BE THE MUSEUM OF CARAPACIAN HISTORY.
DAVE: obviously
KARKAT: ARE YOU MAKING FUN OF ME?
DAVE: no im serious
DAVE: i am concurring with you in the most unironic way possible
DAVE: such is my respect for carapacians that i am willing to risk my coolguy cred in order to properly convey the depth of my feelings
DAVE: you know this about me honestly im kind of offended youd insinuate otherwise
DAVE: also im totally making fun of you can you blame me
DAVE: boop
KARKAT: DON'T FUCKING BOOP ME STRIDER, THIS IS SERIOUS BUSINESS.
DAVE: look i have complete faith in your vacation planning abilities
DAVE: which is why i remain happy to let you take the lead on this even though it predictably resulted in a planning document longer than a cvs receipt
DAVE: your total lack of chill is the red carpet that will welcome us to paradise
KARKAT: NOTICE THAT I AM POLITELY IGNORING YOUR SLANDER ABOUT MY CHILL WHEN I ASK:
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK IS A CVS?
DAVE: carapacian value store come on dude
DAVE: youre telling me you did all this research and you dont even know the number one pharmacy in the carapacian kingdom
DAVE: where do you think terezi gets her prozac or whatever when shes visiting can land
DAVE: anyway my point is my ideal vacation would involve at least two or three milliseconds not planned out ahead of time
LATULA: couldnt 4gr33 mor3!
KARKAT: OH WHAT NOW?
KARKAT: I SWEAR TO GOG, DAVE, IF YOU INVITED ONE OF THOSE SHITTY DANCESTORS HERE FROM SOME ASSCRACK OF PARADOX SPACE JUST TO MAKE SOME PEDANTIC ARGUMENT ABOUT OUR VACATION...
DAVE: what no that would be some ridiculous bullshit in flagrant violation of both the bro code and our mating spree or whatever you call it
KARKAT: I KNOW YOU KNOW THE WORD MATESPRITSHIP.
LATULA: wow, ch1ll-4X3! 1 thought you w3r3 suppos3d to b3 th3s3 tot4lly r4d1c4l dud3z ov3r h3r3!
LATULA: 1 gu3ss 1 should4 known only 4 TRU R4DG1RL would h4v3 wh4t 1t t4k3s to m4k3 4 v4c4t1on K1CK 4SS!
KARKAT: THIS IS MY PUNISHMENT, ISN'T IT.
KARKAT: I'M GOING TO COMMIT THE MOST HEINOUS FUCK-UP IMAGINABLE, AND THE UNIVERSE IS KICKING ME IN THE GLOBES FOR IT IN ADVANCE.
KARKAT: MY DAYS OF SELF-RECRIMINATION WILL NEVER END, AND IT WAS SHEER HUBRIS TO HOPE OTHERWISE.
DAVE: shut the fuck up
DAVE: how dare you say that shit about my boyfriend
DAVE: am i going to have to get the newspaper again
DAVE: do you know how hard it was for me to find a newspaper to roll up and hit you with the last time you started saying this shit
DAVE: seriously like everything here is digital its ridiculous
DAVE: i had to dig through johns basement for half an hour
DAVE: is that what you want karkat
DAVE: for me to spend another half hour in johns dusty basement
LATULA: m4n, th3 squ4r3n3ss 1n h3r3 1s unr34l!
LATULA: w3 h4v3 GOT to g3t r1d of th4t pl4nn1ng docum3nt.
KARKAT: DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE.
DAVE: yeah seriously he worked hard on that shit
DAVE: i know i was giving him a hard time about it or whatever but i genuinely am good with following his ridiculously overplanned schedule
DAVE: looking forward to it even
LATULA: com3 ON, 4 v4c4t1on 1s suppos3d to b3 fun!
DAVE: yeah and it will be
DAVE: if you can get with the program
DAVE: like on general principle i agree with you that vacations should be unstructured but seriously look at this guy and tell me you don't want to indulge his every anal-retentive whim
KARKAT: WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "GET WITH THE PROGRAM"?
KARKAT: ARE YOU INSINUATING THAT YOU EXPECT THIS BARGAIN BIN TEREZI TO BE JOINING US ON OUR VACATION?
LATULA: wow, 1 h4v3 4 n4m3.
LATULA: wh1ch 1s L4TUL4, b33 t33 dubz!!
LATULA: 4nd 1m not t4k1ng s4ss from som3 4ngry 4lt-k4nkr1 who do3sn't 3v3n know how v4c4t1onz work!
DAVE: look both of yall need to dial it way the fuck down
DAVE: obviously gamegrl over here arrived by shenanigans that have nothing to do with punishment or karma or whatever self-loathing narrative anyones trying to spin
DAVE: this is just normal paradox space bullshit dropping a long-dead troll from three universes away to join us on vacation
DAVE: just gotta deal with it
DAVE: and toolrope youre gonna have to deal with the fact that this vacation is being dictated by karkats neuroses and not yours
DAVE: and from now on youre both gonna have to behave yourselves without my help because there are weird troll cultural implications of mediating between two people and i have no intention of getting swept up in that shit
DAVE: got it
LATULA: your n1ckn4m3 g4m3 1s strong! m4d r3sp3ct!
KARKAT: I GUESS I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO FACE MY TORMENT WITH WHATEVER MICROSCOPIC SHRED OF DIGNITY I HAVE LEFT.
DAVE: good glad we all agree
DAVE: now karkat im sure you have a plan for exactly which exhibits in the history museum we're gonna be visiting and in which order
DAVE: do you want to tell us now or do you want it to be a surprise
KARKAT: OH, I WILL BE GOING INTO EXCRUCIATING DETAIL.
DAVE: nice
DAVE: lay it on us