Chapter Text
Chapter I
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Chamber of Hearts
Rose let out a huff as she flipped over on her side, cradling the duvet in her arms. To say that she was feeling conflicted was an understatement. Two weeks had passed since their adventure–or, more accurately, the Doctor's adventure–to 18th century France. It wasn't unusual for that familiar tinge of jealousy to flare up in her chest when an attractive alien batted her eyelashes at the Doctor, but this was a new level of frustration, and Reinette was no alien.
“But you and I both know, don't we, Rose, the Doctor is worth the monsters.”
Reinette's words seemed to play on repeat in her mind every moment she wasn't occupied with something to distract her. Mickey had wanted a trip back home to run some errands, so she had been left alone to her thoughts. What frustrated her most was the fact that she felt guilty. It may not have been clear to Mickey, but Rose could see just how much their departure had hurt the Doctor. He had clearly cared greatly for Reinette, and here she was upset like a little jealous schoolgirl . So why couldn't she get over it? She had made up her mind a long time ago that she would stay with him forever, even if that meant her feelings would never be known or requited. Why was this such a big deal for her? Rose recalled a conversation between her and Mickey while waiting aboard the ship for the Doctor to return.
“So, that Doctor, eh?” Mickey said.
“What are you talking about?”
“Well. Madame de Pompadour. Sarah Jane Smith. Cleopatra.” He simply responded.
“Cleopatra. He mentioned her once.” She tried to brush it off.
“Yeah, but he called her Cleo.”
“So?” She raised an eyebrow, a bit annoyed with whatever point he was trying to make.
“I’m just saying babe.” He shrugged, and she felt her gut twist.
Those five painstakingly long hours aboard the ship gave Rose unwanted time to ponder the nature of their relationship. Ever since his regeneration Rose could feel things were different between her and the Doctor, but now more than ever. He would never admit it, of course, but she knew he knew. Even though she had come to accept and love his new face all the same, part of her still longed for their old dynamic. She couldn’t kid herself and say she felt nothing when he was still in leather, but it was innocent and harmless back then. It was the type of crush that was playful and exciting. Now, it felt like her feelings were suffocating her. Despite their warm nights reading or watching films in the TARDIS, somehow Rose had the creeping suspicion that this Doctor was becoming tired of her. She figured it was only a matter of time before he had enough of her ‘ape-like’ ways before he dropped her back off at the Estate without another word.
Without even realising it, Rose had bitten her nails until she tasted metal and her stomach let out an insistent growl, reminding her she hadn’t eaten since breakfast. She needed a snack, preferably something sweet. The past few nights she had purposefully avoided the Doctor, too afraid to speak to him without an otherworldly problem lingering over their heads. Nights on the TARDIS were quiet and dim. No loud chatter, no laughter, just the soft hum of the engine. Rose didn't think she could stomach being alone with him in such a setting when her nerves and hormones were so awry. Accepting that she wouldn't be able to fall asleep until she ate, she sat up and left her room.
To her dreadful surprise, the Doctor was in the galley, peeling a banana.
Her heart began to gallop at a concerning pace as she slipped past him to look in the cupboard for something to eat. Internally praying he would just ignore her, she searched the shelves as quickly as she could before settling on fixing herself a bowl of cereal. She could feel his eyes on her as she turned around to grab the milk.
“Are you alright?” He was the first to speak, shattering the tense silence.
“Yeah, ‘course. Why?” She quickly responded, not meeting his gaze.
“Well, nothing, I suppose. You just seem a bit…I dunno.” he trailed off.
“A bit what?” She turned to look at the Doctor who was running hand through his hair in avoidance.
“You just seem a bit agitated, is all.” He finished, eyes dropping to the floor between them.
“I’m fine, Doctor. Really.”
He seemed to drop it when he walked away, and Rose deflated in relief, only to nearly jump when he called out to her again.
“You know you can go home anytime, Rose. I’m not holding you hostage here.” he said from the doorway.
“S'cuse me?” She whipped her head around, offended he would even say such a thing. “I never thought anything of the sort!”
The Doctor seemed unconvinced. “Oh really ? Where have you been the past few days then, hmm? Because it seems an awful lot to me like you're avoiding me.”
Rose was silent as she stared back at him like she had just been stabbed, and he immediately regretted his words. “Do you want me to?” She almost whispered.
Taking a breath before softening his expression, he continued. “No, of course not. I only meant that I don't ever want you to feel like you need to escape me, Rose. You have the option to leave at any time, how I feel about the matter is irrelevant.”
“No it's not . It matters a lot, actually. Y’know, sometimes it feels like you don’t even–” She stopped herself. Like you don’t even want me anymore , she almost said.
“Like I don't what?”
“ Nothing .” She grit out as she hastily grabbed her bowl of cereal and made a run for the door. Just as she slipped past him though, he seized her shoulder and pinned her against the door frame.
“Like I don’t what, Rose? Finish your sentence.” He said demandingly, and Rose felt utterly paralyzed under his dark eyes.
Swallowing hard, she couldn't help but notice how close they were, stuck in the doorway. With each shallow breath she took, she could smell his delicious cologne mixed with the faint scent of aftershave and hair product. She couldnt help but let her gaze drop to his lips and back up to his eyes and fuck, he noticed. Suddenly feeling all too hot and claustrophobic, Rose shook free of his grip and darted down the corridor. Eternally grateful he didn't follow or call after her, Rose closed her door and locked it, falling to the floor. Her appetite was ruined.. She wasn't hungry for food anymore.
“Oh my god…what have I done?” She mumbled to herself as her eyes began to burn.
She felt like she was a little girl who had touched something she wasn't supposed to touch and was being scolded for it. Somehow, she had crossed the threshold of no return, and now her and the Doctor would never be the same. He even suggested bringing her home . Feeling sick at the thought, she curled up into a ball, burying her face in her knees. How were they supposed to go on? How was she supposed to go on? What frustrated her the most though was that despite her despair, she wanted him more than anything in the universe.
Bringing her fingertips up to graze her lips, she indulged–just for a moment–she thought of what would happen if she moved a few centimetres and closed the gap between them. Would he reciprocate? Would he shover her away? Deep down she knew all too well it would have been the latter, but she couldn't help but entertain her fantasy. Closing her eyes, she imagined the feeling of his velvety lips on hers, moving fast and desperate for more. She imagined how her fingers would find their way to his head, ruffling his adorable, fantastic hair, and if he did the same to her.
Opening her eyes and releasing a shaky breath, she realised she had to put an end to this. It was pure torture, not to mention highly immoral. The Doctor clearly didn't feel that way about her and here she was, using him to fuel her deepest desires. Wiping away the half dried tears on her cheeks, Rose stood up and washed her face deciding that from now on, her feelings didn't exist. He was the Doctor, a godlike figure with centuries of knowledge and wisdom and she was just… Rose Tyler, from the Powell Estate. It would have never worked anyways and it was incredibly immature and naive to think otherwise.
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The Doctor slammed the door to his study and fell into his chair. He was a smart man with a lot of solutions to a lot of things, but this particular thing was not one of them. He knew from the very beginning when he took her hand in her old shop that Rose would leave him one day, and there was nothing he could do about it. However, it seemed their ‘forever’ was coming to an end sooner than anticipated. He just wished it was out of their control instead of her own choice.
The Doctor was even confusing himself these days. He had no idea why he offered to take Rose home. He knew that was the very last thing he wanted, and yet he still offered just to see how far he could push her. Rose’s avoidance was not lost on him the past few weeks. It seemed that ever since he regenerated things were different. He remembered how she begged him to ‘bring him back’ when he regenerated, as if he could simply change back into his former self. He thought he had made progress on New Earth and Scotland, but clearly he was mistaken.
She didn't even feel comfortable around him anymore. It was a mistake to confront her in the galley. She wasn't ready to talk to him about what was bothering her and he pressured her and it backfired. Now she was probably all alone in her room and he was frustrated in his study, useless to help her.
It was becoming increasingly difficult to hold back around her now. In leather he had better self control, but this body was forged from the very love that killed him. There was no denying that he was made for Rose, fueled by his latent desires in his previous incarnation. What was the use of it if she wasn't interested? Was he even interested? The Doctor had developed a cynical outlook on romance and relationships these past few centuries, understanding that his partners would all inevitably leave him. It was something he could easily ignore, but with Rose, all she had to do was ask and he was hers.
Waking up with a start, Rose stared at her ceiling through the thick darkness of her room. A new day, a new adventure. The Doctor and Rose, travelling together through space and time…as friends.
She should be delighted at the thought. One in a billion get to travel with someone as wonderful as the Doctor, and yet she couldn't ignore the nagging feeling of disappointment and dissatisfaction that clung to it. It was time she started living in reality. That kind of relationship with the Doctor just wasn't possible, they were from two totally different worlds–literally!
It was at times like these Rose wished she had the composure he had, she had grown quite annoyed at her pestering human emotions compared to the Doctor’s iron clad resolve. Rose knew all too well that wishing for things she couldn't have was a waste of time and begrudgingly rolled out of bed and jumped in the shower. An hour later, Rose was ready.
Walking out to the console, she found the Doctor staring at the main viewer with a look of concern.
“What is it? What’s wrong Doctor?” She asked, immediately picking up on his mood.
He acknowledged her for a moment before he spoke. She released a breath she didn't know she was holding. They were gonna be okay. She was gonna be okay.
“The TARDIS received a rather urgent distress signal from a nearby system.”
“What does it say?” She peaked over to view the monitor, only to be met with a singular word; HELP.
“We have to see what it's about.” She said, stepping back, realising how close she got to him.
“You're right. No time to waste.” He chirped as he began throwing in the coordinates.
“Aren't we gonna pick up Mickey?”
“Oh Mr. Mickey will be just fine on his own for one day.” He said, brushing off her words as he reached for a lever on the console to vehemently tug.
After a few moments, the TARDIS rematerialized and they went to investigate the planet they landed on. Opening the TARDIS doors, the Doctor and Rose were met with a grand landscape of tall chrome skyscrapers against an almost crimson coloured sky. The sun was either setting or in a permanent state of dancing across the horizon from this part of the planet. The wildlife grew lush and the meadows were rich with indigo grass. Rose squinted her eyes to see flying vehicles among the city in the distance. Wherever they were, these people clearly had wealth.
“Doctor what planet is this?” She asked, inhaling a breath of honey scented air. “It’s beautiful.” She smiled.
“Lyris Z4 of the New Grand Republic.”
“What do you know about them? This doesn't seem very much like a civilization ‘in distress’ to me.” She said, looking around the TARDIS for another city.
“No it doesn't.” He murmured. “I actually don’t know much about them, but I have heard it's a very private system–travel bans, controlled media, deeply ingrained Xenophobia.”
“Then why are we here? If they are well off and they hate outsiders, then why send a useless distress call?”
“I haven't the faintest idea.” He said, squinting at the city in search of answers. “I guess we better go and find out then, yeah?”
After a few steps of trekking through a gorgeous field of indigo grass and yellow wildflowers, an uncomfortable silence settled between them.
“I’m sorry…about last night.” He started, keeping his eyes on the wildflowers. “You know I didn’t mean it like that.”
In an instant, it felt like all of her troubles came back crashing into her like a bus. It was going to take time to fully suppress them, but Rose just wished he would forget about it.
“It’s okay Doctor, I understand.” She finally said.
Rose could see the Doctor frown in discontentment in her peripheral vision.
“I don't want you to leave Rose. You know that, don’t you?”
“Yeah, ‘course.”
He stopped in his tracks and Rose came to a halt as well. “Somethin’ wrong Doctor?”
“You tell me Rose, because clearly something is.” He said a bit more sternly now, annoyance from the previous night coming back to him.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” she feigned ignorance.
He ran a hand over his face in desperation, unsure of what to say. “Yes you do. You’ve been avoiding me for days. You've locked yourself up in your room and you only come out to eat. Don’t think I don’t notice the way you hurry up with whatever you’re doing just to get away from me faster, Rose. What’s going on? Is this about Mickey’s absence?”
“No–s’got nothing to do with Mickey, Doctor. Hardly. ”
“Then what is it Rose? Talk to me, please?” He begged, and Rose felt a stab of guilt in her chest. The Doctor didn't deserve to be played with like this.
She sighed and avoided his pleading eyes before speaking, “I jus’ feel like… you're bored of me. Like you'll drop me off with my mum any second now–drop me off just like you did to Sarah Jane.” She sniffled, feelings gushing out an uncontrollable pace.
“Why would you think that?” He asked, offended, and Rose scoffed.
“Honestly Doctor, you don’t know? Leaving me all alone on that ship while you partied and shagged Madame de Pompadour ! All while me and Micks are about to get turned into household ornaments!” She said, angry with conviction.
“I didn't—I never—”
“I’m not stupid, Doctor. Doesn't take a rocket scientist to see what you had been up to while we were strapped to those tables.”
”But I saved you guys– you were fine, Rose!” He persuaded, stepping closer.
“Yeah, sure. But it doesn’t change the fact that you treated us like an afterthought , Doctor.” She spat out. “I guess that's all I am to you.”
When he didn't respond, Rose knew she had hit the nail on its head. Despite knowing that this was probably the breaking point, she had never felt more calm. It was like the calm after a hurricane. Too calm. Rose began to feel a bit off. She tried to quell the discomfort and persevere but the dizziness persisted.
“Rose…I…” The Doctor mumbled, but she couldn’t see his face clearly to see if he said anything else.
“Doctor, I don’t feel…” She started, unable to find the words to complete her sentence before she collapsed to the ground, the Doctor following soon after.