Work Text:
“How many times?”
Lu Guang flinches. His face is contorted in resigned despair and it seems like all of the words he has to say has been sucked up from his throat. His fingers fumble on the tattered loose threads of the couch, moonlight highlighting every crease and fold of his overshirt as it shifts and fumbles with each hazardous breath he takes.
The rain on the glass pounds harder, as if reading his mood.
”Cheng Xiaoshi, please,” He begins in a broken tone.
”That’s not an answer,” Cheng Xiaoshi snaps, “If you can’t tell me everything at least tell me this one fucking thing. How many times?”
A moment passes, and then another, each thrumming with tension like a heartbeat.
”I don’t know,” Lu Guang finally says, eyes flickering down to the ground, “I can’t count them all.”
Lu Guang grips the couch, waiting for Cheng Xiaoshi to yell at him, hit him, anything. Anything to snap him out of the low, hot, dark mass in his stomach, threatening to pour out of his mouth.
”Lu Guang,” Cheng Xiaoshi calls.
Lu Guang answers and looks up at Cheng Xiaoshi, body trembling and wavering with every ripple of unease.
”You can’t do this.”
”I need to.”
”It’s going to kill you.”
”It hasn’t yet.”
”It can’t be changed—“
”It can, maybe, for you—“
”It can’t be fucking changed!” Cheng Xiaoshi shouts. Lu Guang jolts and sinks into the couch, biting his cheek hard that blood is layering on his tongue like sharp beads, tangy and metallic.
Thunder sounds in the room, and a flash of lightning follows soon after.
”I’m going to die, Lu Guang, I’m as good as dead now!” Cheng Xiaoshi continues, words spitting out like fire, “You’ve seen yourself try and try again, it’s no use. You know it’s meaningless! I’ve had to see someone’s fucking mother die over me because she was destined to never be saved. I had to leave Li Tianxi to rot in that tunnel because I knew she was as good as gone. When I thought you died—“
Cheng Xiaoshi’s voice breaks into a sob, “When I thought you were fucking dead, Lu Guang, I wanted so badly to jump back. To save you. But I didn’t, because I knew you would never forgive me, that it was useless and it went against all of your rules, your morals. And now, you’re telling me — that—you—“
Cheng Xiaoshi covers his face in his hands, and his shoulders tremble violently. Lu Guang wants nothing more than to gently pry his hands away, and wipe the tears off his face, kiss the sadness from his eyes.
”Cheng Xiaoshi,” Lu Guang says gently. He leans forward and brushes his fingers over Cheng Xiaoshi’s callused hands, “Look at me?”
Cheng Xiaoshi slowly slides his hands down to his lap, his eyes still brimming with tears, his knuckles white with grip.
“Why,” Cheng Xiaoshi trembles, “Why are you doing this to yourself?”
Lu Guang feels his chest burn.
”I need you.”
”Bullshit. You can get along without me just fine.”
”No,” Lu Guang says harshly, and it beckons Cheng Xiaoshi to tear his gaze off his lap and to Lu Guang’s face, “No, I can’t.”
“ Lu Guang, please—“
”I love you.”
Cheng Xiaoshi pales and inhales sharply, “No, you don’t.”
”I do.”
”You can’t possibly think that this is the right time for a love confession.”
”That’s not—“ Lu Guang huffs in frustration, eyes stinging, “That’s not what I meant. I love you. I need you. You’re my best friend, you’re everything, Cheng Xiaoshi.”
The silence that follows compels Lu Guang to keep talking.
”You’re—you are the most important person in my life. How can you possibly think that I could live without you?”
”Everything is about you, then,” Cheng Xiaoshi snaps, “Shouldn’t I get a say in this?”
”I know I’m selfish,” Tears are threatening to spill out of Lu Guang’s eyes, “But let me be selfish for you. Please. I want you to live this fullest life you can, I want you to travel to all those places like you said you would. I want —“ A tear creeps through the crevices of his eyelashes, “I want to know what you’ll look like when you get old. I want you to die knowing that you had a long and good life. I want to see you die in your bed with everyone you love, not — not in my arms and bleeding. You don’t have to be so stubborn. You’ve helped so many people. You’ve helped me — let me help you. Be selfish for once in your life and let me do this for you, Cheng Xiaoshi. Please.”
Lu Guang bites back on his lip, but a sob escapes. Then another. And another and another until tears are falling freely down his face, until he can’t control how his body moves, hiccuping and trembling as he folds in on himself. Head down, arms numb, back curving down with a slant.
Another moment passes. Cheng Xiaoshi moves towards Lu Guang, wrapping his arms around the small figure and holding him close to his chest.
”I can’t let you die,” Lu Guang chokes out in between gasps and sobs, “I still need you. I can’t let you die again.”
Cheng Xiaoshi feels his eyes burning again.
“Stay with me,” Lu Guang whimpers, “Don’t leave just yet.”
Chang Xiaoshi’s heart breaks. He can feel the weight of tears cascading down his cheeks on onto Lu Guang’s hair in tiny droplets, and he holds his best friend closer.
He has never been so scared of Lu Guang.
He has never loved anyone more.
”I’m going to stay, I swear,” Cheng Xiaoshi says, voice on the brink of breaking, “I’m going to be here as long as you allow me.”
He clings onto Lu Guang until the rain clears, and the only sounds left are the calling of sparrows.