Chapter Text
Queenie: God this one is so bad
Queenie: Lion was talking about it on another server I share with her.
Queenie: I told you she thinks it's fine to write this sort of thing. She was recommending it.
DracoLich: Link it
Queenie: Here
I clicked on the link. The tags set the alarm bells off right away. Rape. Heavy BDSM. Slavery. Master/pet. I read the summary. The fic was about how science had proved that catgirls were happier being owned and how one catgirl was determined to prove that wasn’t true. It seemed obvious that it wasn’t worth reading, but then I saw the ‘eventual happy ending tag.’ It gave me hope. This could be a trauma recovery narrative. Maybe the catgirl would prove the conceit of the setting wrong. People did write those anti-Gor things, sometimes.
DracoLich: The tags say happy end
Raspberry Pi: the happy end is going to be the catgirl enjoying the abuse
RaspberryPi: I used to know this author, actually
RaspberryPi: they were in the Vortex server until they got kicked because they were defending abuse
Raspberry Pi: it's not going to go how you think
Queenie: omg you were in a server with her?
RabserryPi: yeah she was fine but she thinks some really fucked up stuff is okay
RaspberryPi: she's mentioned that she has some trauma so I think her head just got messed up. She still knows better than to write what she is but idk if she knows the damage she is doing
DarcoLich: ill read it and tell you how bad it is
DracoLich: I like lion I dont want to have to kick her maybe we're wrong
DracoLich: it's still updating too so you never know
Raspberry Pi: Maybe
SingingStars: imo we should kick lion now
SingingStars: she always sort of defends stuff like this and she never says its wrong when we talk about
Queenie: Stars is right
Queenie: like, look at what she's saying about it. She's calling it hot
SingingStars: does she not know you're in there
Queenie: its an alt account :3
BuggyLady: Okay, Queenie, it's kind of weird that you're grabbing screencaps from an alt account from her and sharing them here
BuggyLady: why are you even in that server with her? What is it?
Queenie: I was there first
Queenie: it's a server for a webserial I read there is a channel for nsfw fics
Queeenie: I dont think its that weird either she's in the Kingdom server and we have rules about this sort of thing
BuggyLady: She's not doing anything in Kingdom though
BuddyLady: I dont want to moderate based on what shes doing in other places
RaspberryPi: okay thats bullshit though if she was posting rapefic then we would kick her out
BuggyLady: yeah but she's just reading something
Queenie: youre being too nice again
SingingStars: I agree idk if you know this author but it's pretty bad Buggy.
DracoLich: let me read this first.
DracoLich: and then we can decide.
Queenie: Braver than any marine
SingingStars: we're here if you need us!
RaspberryPi: ^^^^
I minimized discord and started to read.
_
Angel struggled helplessly as the wax kept coming, dripping onto her tummy, stinging the flesh, making her want to squirm but leaving her nowhere to go. Mistress—no, Robin. Angel wasn't owned. She wasn't—
"You're so wet," Robin said. She ran a finger up Angel’s slit. "If you hate this so much then why are you responding like this?"
Angel groaned behind her gag. The mix of pleasure and pain to threatened to make her cry. They had barely stared and she already felt like she was falling apart. Robin was herding her to a terrifying cliff and was going to push her right off. Then, when she was broken on the floor, she was going to put her back together so all Angel had to cling onto was her
Angel hated it so much.
But that didn’t stop the wax from dripping or the pain from shifting into a deep warmth that made her bite her lip. She needed it to end soon, but she knew she wouldn’t. All she could do was take it until Robin was done. Angel sobbed.
Robin grinned. Her smile was sharper than any knife.
"You're so pretty when you cry," she purred.
I read the last few lines again, trying to swallow the knot in my throat. My stomach was doing useless flips, like the floor had dropped out from under me. This was—this was so bad. The start of the fic had seemed like it might've turned into something where Angel escaped and killed Robin. When it became clear that route was closing off, it seemed like it might shift into a more dubcon sort of angle, which was still pretty fucking weird, but way better than having the text repeat over and over again how much Angel hated what was happening.
But no. The author had picked the route that kept it non-con the whole way through. Any time Angel ‘wanted it’ was because Robin forced her to. Consent was cheerfully discarded in favor of more beatings and rape, with the obvious goal of making Angel break and give in eventually.
It was sick, so it made sense why I felt sick. I couldn’t even name all the emotions going through me. I shifted my thighs and felt a sharp jolt of disgust as I noticed that I was—no. No, I wasn't going to think about it. That wasn’t happening. This author was vile.
I copied over the section I’d just read and shared it to the secret server I shared with Pi, Queenie, Buggy, and Stars. I could’ve sent it to the mod chat in Kingdom, but we’d made a close friends server because we talked about personal lives and non-server related matters enough that it felt inappropriate to have all of that sitting in there in the event we modded someone else. It was better to have the separation.
DracoLich: Queenie was right
DracoLich: For a little bit it looked like it was going to do something cool but she's gotten raped for the past like, 5 chapters
DracoLich: Some people have pointed it out in the comments, but the author keeps replying with hearts
DracoLich: the only things she actually responding to are the comments about how hot her story is
DracoLich: It really is fucked up
DracoLich: I’m going to drop some comments, I think I can do a better job explaining why this is bad.
RaspberryPi: I warned you.
Queenie: :/
Queenie: I figured it would be like this
BuggyLady: Okay, that looks pretty bad and weird
Queenie: Lion was saying it was hot
Queenie: As a reminder
BuggyLady: we've gone over this it wasn't in Kingdom and like—
BuggyLady: Its weird, I'd really like if she wasn't into it, but she's polite and nice and follows all the rules
BuggyLady: banning her because you saw her call this hot once is weird to me
I rolled my eyes. I liked Buggy. She was really nice, but she was always defending the worst people on the server. Anytime there was an edge case, she'd try to accommodate for it or find some reason why it was okay. Stars, Pi, Queenie, and I were in lockstep. She was the odd one out.
DracoLich: Buggy seriously this is like
DracoLich: it's nothing but rape and the author is being really fetishy about it
RaspberryPi: And she's defended this sort of thing before
RaspberryPi: she thinks writing about rape and slavery is hot and fine. She's not a good person. She doesn't care who she hurts, she tells people to not read it
RaspberryPi: Which we all know doesn't work
DracoLich: Exactly!!!
DracoLich: If Lion is fine with this and she thinks it's hot, I'm not comfortable with her in Kingdom tbh
DracoLich: It says a lot about her personality imo
SingingStars: ^^^^^
Queenie: ^^^^^
RaspberryPi: ^^^^^
BuggyLady: if nothing else read to the end maybe it gets healthy or something
BuggyLady: or if it changes
BuggyLady: i dont want to ban someone when we dont even know how it ends, that feels super unfair
BuggyLady: even if it doesnt idk if we should ban anyone.
DracoLich: I'm going to finish it but there is no way this gets better
DracoLich: I just don't believe it
BuggyLady: Even if it doesnt
BuggyLady: Just read it and tell me what you want when youre done
BuggyLady: I dont want to argue about this anymore right now
_
Angel threw herself at Robins's feet. Robin didn't move. She was still where she sat, her legs crossed, her chin in her hands, her eyes sharp and expectant as she watched Angel kneel.
It was always going to end like this, Angel realized. Robin saw something in her that even Angel didn't. Angel had thought she was being broke, but it wasn't that at all. Every time Robin had thrown her off that cliff, she had been caught, whether she'd known it at the time or not. Robin had been teaching her to trust her. Teaching her how good it felt to give in.
And it did. It felt amazing. Even now, ashamed that she had run, exhausted from days not sleeping and not enough food, Angel felt better than she had the whole time she and Robin had been apart. She was meant to be here, at Robin's feet. She was meant to be possessed. Commanded.
Owned.
"Mistress," Angel said. Her throat was raw. She wanted to cry, but she held it back. She couldn't — not now. She could cry after Robin accepted her back or threw her away. And she should throw her away. Angel hadn't been a good pet. She'd done everything she good to get out of giving it to what was best for her. "Mistress, I'm sorry. I — I shouldn't have run. I'm sorry. I just—"
Angel's words failed her. She knew the truth, but speaking it was still hard. She wished she was stronger.
"You what, pet?" Robin asked, sounding almost bored. "Finish what you were saying."
Angel shuddered. She realized Robin's order was what she needed to push forward. Robin wanted her to speak, so Angel would. It didn't matter how hard it was or if it hurt. All that mattered was that Robin willed it.
"I need you. I need this I— I need to be your pet. I…Please take me back, Mistress. I was wrong. So wrong. I need you to keep changing me. I want to be yours in every way I can. I need to be yours," Angel said. "Please Mistress," she ended with a whisper. I don't…I was wrong. About me. About what I need. You— you know it better. I — please Mistress. Please," Angel said, ending with a whisper.
Her begging was pathetic. She had barely expressed a tenth of what Robin made her feel. But it was all she had to offer. If Robin rejected her, she didn't know what she would do. She had no backup plan. Robin was everything.
Robin deepened her bow and pressed her nose to the floor. She wasn't worthy of having it anywhere else. It was a privilege to be in her Mistress' presence alone. Angel understood that now. She wasn't even worthy of Robin's judgment, but she hoped Robin would spare mercy and give it to her all the same. at Robin right now. All she should do was be still and wait for her mistress' judgment.
There was only silence. Angel didn't stir. She would wait here, her knees pressing into the hard floor, her body aching, her stomach empty, until Robin spoke.
She would wait there forever if Robin willed it.
She heard Robin stand. She tensed. Fingers glided through her hair, then tightened and yanked her head off the floor. Angel gasped. She kept her eyes shut.
"Your begging makes it seem like you're offering yourself to me, when there is nothing to offer. I already own you. I always will. No matter how far you roam, no matter what you do, you'll always be my pet." Her lips pressed against Angel's ear. "And I'll make sure to change you so you remember that."
The chapter ended. I let out a breath I hadn't known I was holding. The queasy feeling that I always got when I was reading this fic was more powerful than ever. My stomach had been twisting itself into tighter and tighter knots as I read. I had been focusing so hard that my thoughts were fuzzy. I shook it and combed my fingers through my hair. I'm sure it was a mess. I had been more stressed than ever. Work had been awful and then this fic had updated when I had gotten home. I’d stupidly read it right away. It was only because Buggy had made such a fuss about letting it finish before we made a decision about Lion.
I got up and started to pace. I wanted to drag over quotes to our side server, but I was afraid to read any of it again. The author had made me feel like the abused catgirl. Like I was on my knees begging some terrible, cruel bitch to take me, powerless and helpless in the face of someone stronger than me.
Fuck.
Cold air. That’s what I needed. It’d ground me. I went to my kitchen, opened my freezer, and stuck my head in. It helped. I stayed like that for a minute until the confused, disgusting, queasy feelings left and were replaced by the anger
I wished I could make the author understand what they were doing. If the story was making me feel sick, then what must it have been doing to people who had trauma or histories of abuse? How many breakdowns had she caused with this? Clearly my previous comments hadn’t been enough. I’d fix that.
I marched into my room and started to draft up my critique. It was my longest comment yet. I pulled quote after quote and tore into every fucked up part, every line that had sent me reeling. The author knew what she was doing, I was sure of that much, but I wasn't going to leave any room for doubt or deniability. If she saw my comment and responded to it, she'd have everything she needed to see what an awful thing she was doing. If she read it and kept writing despite the points I made, she was a bad person.
Honestly, I was giving her too much credit. All the other comments on her work should’ve been enough for her to get the point by now. No one should fetishize rape, slavery, or abuse like this. Getting off to it was a sign that someone needed to go to therapy, if anything.
This was the sort of content that almost made me think that banning all porn was a good idea.
I submitted my comment, grabbed the link to it, and threw it into the side server. I wasn't going to type it all out again.
DracoLich: This story is one chapter away from ending and Pi was totally right about how it was going to go.
DracoLich: I think we need to ban Lion
DracoLich: I am not comfortable with her anymore.
RaspberryPi: Yikes
RaberryPi: I am skimming this comment and…
RaspberryPi: Yeah I'm glad I didn't read this. She needs to go.
SingingStars: Holyyy shit
SingingStars: Wow I didn't think the fic would go this far
SingingStars: At the very least we need to pull her aside and talk to her, though id be fine banning her too tbh
Queenie: Talking would be pointless
Queenie: Look at these screenshots
Queenie: This is her on the last chapter that got posted. She said she loves it.
Queenie: She's gone. Tbh anyone who read that fic should get banned.
BuggyLady: ????
BuggyLady: DracoLich literally read the whole thing
BuggyLady: And she posted a bunch of sections from it
Queenie: That's not what I mean, obviously. She didn't read it and think it was hot
DracoLich: Exactly
DracoLich: Why are you defending her??
DracoLich: You said it was bad yourself
BuggyLady: For all the reasons I said I didn’t want to ban her before?
BuggyLady: she likes a problematic fic, but she did it away from everyone else and literally never talks about it in Kingdom. It feels like a witch hunt
SingingStars: You sound like youre a proshipper rn tbh
SingingStars: Being held accountable isn't witch hunting
RaspberryPi: ^^^^^
RaspberryPi: She is encouraging harmful to be written. She's a part of the problem
BuggyLady: DracoLich literally commented on every chapter?
DracoLich: to point out that it was fucked up!
DracoLich: I'm fighting against this
Queenie: You're making me kind of uncomfortable Buggy
Queenie: Like, seriously, this isn’t the first time you've run defense like this
Queenie: I don't like the vibes
DracoLich: I really don't either
BuggyLady: I'm not going to sit by and let y'all make a choice I don't agree with because you don't like what she's reading
RaspberryPi: Unironic proshipper language
RaspberryPi: You're being fucking weird. We're going to ban Lion. That's final. If you don't agree, than you can honestly leave
RaspberryPi: Because nothing about this is appropriate
BuggyLady: Okay, fine, you know what?
BuggyLady: I think y'all are wrong and I'd rather not be a part of this or the server if this is how disagreement is treated.
BuggyLady: I thought we were friends
SingingStars: I can't be friends with someone who defends people who like shit like this.
SingingStars: Sorry not sorry
Queenie: You said you didn’t want to be a part of this server, so I just booted you from Kingdom too btw
Queenie: If you’re not comfortable with our rulings, you can’t be in there either.
BuggyLady: Yeah, I saw
BuggyLady: Thanks for that, it proves what i’ve always thought about you. Youre a mean person and you dont want to compromise ever. I should’ve never said we were friends, because I dont like you and I never did.
BuggyLady: Go fuck yourself
BuggyLady left the server!
SingingStars: Jesus
SingingStars: I didn't think it was going to go like that
DracoLich: I didn't want her to leave…
Queenie: It was her choice
Queenie: we're lucky she didn't take a bunch of screencaps or something to make us look bad
RaspberryPi: Maybe she'll come around
RaspberryPi: But for now, we should all stay away
Queenie: I might start warning people about her too? Like, that was pretty bad. Other people might want to know she’s like that.
Queenie: Might @ everyone in kingdom and explained why she got banned like she did
DracoLich: Stop
DracoLich: don't post anything yet, it literally just happened and I'm
DracoLich: reading that fic has kind of messed me up a bit. Let’s talk about this later when im not so messed up.
Queenie: its fine, there isn’t much to talk about now, tbh
Queenie: I just banned Lion too, to be clear
Queenie: We all agree?
SingingStars: yeah, i dont think anyone objects
Queenie: Good
Queenie: Sending you hugs lich. If you want to talk about this tomorrow we can but no worries if you dont
Queenie: take care of yourself!
SingingStars: ^^^^
RaspberryPi: ^^^^^
DracoLich: thanks
DracoLich: I'm gonna go shower
DracoLich: I'll talk to y'all later.
Chapter Text
BuggyLady added Prettylion
BuggyLady added DracoLich
Prettylion: Lich
BuggyLady: Look, I know the last time we talked it wasn't the best, but I don't like how things left off
BuggyLady: and you always seemed liek you were the most reasonable in the mod group
BuggyLady: can we talk about what happened?
BuggyLady: Lion and I liked Kingdom and I liked being your friend
BuggyLady: And I think Queenie has been spreading rumors about us because we've both gotten some DMs asking us if we've done some wild stuff.
Prettylion: Its really weird
Prettylion: I'd like to come back into kingdom but I honestly don't care about that as much as I care about not getting really weird messages from my friends.
Prettylion: Plus, I got banned from some other fandom servers I'm in out of nowhere and no one gave me a reason
Prettylion: But I know some of the mods there are friends with Queenie and your friends, so I think it's cause of what happened in Kingdom
Prettylion: which I still don't totally get. I didn't do anything in there. Buggy told me it was cause I was reading that catgirl fic but it is super unfair that I got banned for that I think.
DracoLich: what kind of messages have you been getting?
Prettylion: I can send you screenshots
BuggyLady: I have screencaps too.
BuggyLady: Can you look them over and tell me if this is stuff that Queenie has brought up to you? Or if you've seen it before
Lion and Buggy filled the chat up with 4 or 5 screen shots each. I read them over quickly. People were asking Buggy and Lion about whether or not they thought consent was important, if they thought rape victims should be treated with more skepticism, and if they thought things like loli and shotacon were okay. Some of them had said they'd heard that the rumors from friends, and dropped sceencaps of servers that I knew Queenie was in or DMs from people I know some of the other mods were friends with.
It wasn't proof, but it was awfully convenient for this all to be coming up now. Queenie and the other mods had been saying that Buggy and Lion getting banned and everything leading up to it had led them to look at some of what they'd said in the past in a different light, but there was no way that any of those questions were reasonable interpretations of what either Queenie or Lion thought.
They liked some fucked up fiction, but flaws there didn't mean they were monsters.
I left my computer and got myself water. Ever since Buggy and Lion had gotten banned, I'd watched all the people in Kingdom turn against them. There was a lot of shit talk. I stopped in and told people they were breaking the rules by doing it, but the only other person who ever stopped those conversations was Pi. Queenie and Stars were letting it go or in some cases, leading it on.
That, combined with those screen shots, was making my chest extremely tight. I couldn't pretend it wasn't happening with. I wouldn't be a bystander. I threw back the rest of my water, then hurried back to my desk.
DracoLich: Okay, I'm not going to leak anything, because I don't want to betray anyone's trust
DracoLich: What I will do is try to make sure everyone in Kingdom stops talking about you so rumors like this don't spread there.
DracoLich: And I'll talk to the other mods about it and make sure they enforce it.
BuggyLady: Thank you
BuggyLady: If it stops, I'll be happy. I appreciate you trying.
BuggyLady: Even if I don't like the people you hang out with
DracoLich: I'm not going to say anything bad about them, let's leave this here
Prettylion: Okay, you didn't answer earlier, but I want to say again that my ban was totally unfair.
Prettylion: Liking fiction isn't against the rules of Kingdom.
DracoLich: I don't really want to get into it, but that fic that you were talking about was really bad.
DracoLich: The author is fucked up too. She's writing abuse porn and she doesn't care about the damage that normalizing and sexualizing that sort of thing is doing.
DracoLich: I've pointed it out over and over and she never takes me seriously
Prettylion: She's really not a bad person like that
Prettylion: she's actually super nice
Prettylion: If you talked to her, you'd agree
DracoLich: I wouldn't
Prettylion: Can you try it?
Prettylion: I know you don't know me really, but I think I got banned for a really dumb reason
Prettylion: And it's your server, fine, whatever, but you have like
Prettylion: You have a really negative impression of someone I respect and it sort of feels like what's happened to me is happening to her
Prettylion: Where you've heard a bunch of rumors and it's making you hate her
DracoLich: It's not rumors, I've read her writing and it's fucked up
BuggyLady: It's writing though
BuggyLady: Like, I get that it's problematic and like I said, I don't love it either
BuggyLady: But I think you think the people who do it are actively malicious and they're really not
BuggyLady: Hey, maybe if you talk to her you can get her to understand why some of what she's doing it bad?
DracoLich: She's not even going to talk to me
Prettylion: I can ask her
Prettylion: She'd probably say yes
BuggyLady: If not for Lion, do it for me.
BuggyLady: I actually got banned and shit-talked for no reason. Expand your perspective if nothing else. You don't have to like it, you can thin ktis wrong, but maybe talking to her will get you to change your mind on how you should treat people who write problematic things
BuggyLady: Because being mad at her in the comments isn't changing anything
BuggyLady: This is your chance to have a reasonable convo
BuggyLady: And I'd like you to
BuggyLady: As your friend
DracoLich: You're guilt-tripping me
DracoLich: This is manipulative
BuggyLady: Maybe a bit
BuggyLady: you don't have to do it if you don't want. Block me if you don't want to talk to me. You don't really owe me anything
BuggyLady: But I'd like it if you did and I think it'd help you
DracoLich: I
DracoLich: Fine
DracoLich: I'll talk to her
DracoLich: if she wants to
DracoLich: But I'm not going to play nice she still wrote all of that shit and that's what I want to talk to her about
PrettyLion: Ill send her a DM
_
I got home from my job at the daycare, sat at my table, and laid my head in my arms. Every time one kid left and a new one joined my class, both the child and their parents were a bit worse. It was like a never ending race to the bottom.
It made me want to find another job, but from what some of my friends had said, the grass wasn't greener in retail or food service. Plus, the daycare was much more directly relevant to my future career. When I finished my degree and started to teach grade school, I'd be dealing with older kids, but I'm sure there was plenty of useful lessons I'd carry over.
Still, there was a part of me that longed to give it all up and be a corporate drone. I'd earn more, it'd probably be less stress, and I wouldn't be at the whims of a government that refused to pay my profession enough. If I didn't become a teacher though, who else would? Someone needed to teach children good values. Especially now with the Internet everywhere and parents that were more interested in going after teachers than making sure their kids weren't getting up to stupid things.
I grabbed a wine cooler from my fridge and cracked it open. Wednesday and Thursday were my weekends. I was ahead on my schoolwork and I was looking forward to a nice two days of reading and chatting on my servers. Maybe I'd catch up on some anime. There were a few that were unproblematic enough that I didn't feel weird watching them even if some people I knew disagreed.
Even those people liked things that had some problematic elements. The sad truth was all of society was rife with bad shit. All you could do was your best to consume the least harmful bits of it. I thought I did a decent job. At a point, I couldn't worry about what other people thought.
I went to my room, sat at my desk, and booted my computer up. When discord loaded, I saw I had a DM request from a user called NeverStayMissing. I clicked on it, figuring it was spam.
NeverStayMissing: So, I'm told that you're the DracoLich who comments on all my fics
NeverStayMissing: And that you wanted to talk to me about them?
My first thought was that this was an elaborate attempt at trolling. Buggy and Lion may have known NeverStayMissing, but she couldn't have been dumb enough to message someone who hated her as much as I did. Who would talk to someone they knew was going to tell them off? I right-clicked on the DM and started to block them, then paused.
If it was a troll, it wouldn't take me long to find out. If it really was, then maybe Buggy's idea of trying to talk some sense into her was worth a try. If she started to dodge my questions, I could always go back to blocking her. I was in control here.
With that in mind, I replied.
DracoLich: Screenshot your archive account and prove its you
NeverStayMissing: Oh, you think I'm a troll?
NeverStayMissing: Honestly, I don't blame you. You'd be a super easy person to fuck with
NeverStayMissing: But here
She sent the screenshot. I pulled it up and searched for any sign it might've been faked. I found none. It was really her. My heart beat faster.
DracoLich: Why do you write that shit?
DracoLich: Captured Catgirl was so fucked up
DracoLich: It might've been the worse thing you've ever done.
DracoLich: I've asked you in my comments a hundred times, but do you realize how much damage you're doing?
NeverStayMissing: You think Captured is my worst?
NeverStayMissing: tbh captured is kind of fluffy in comparison to some of the other stuff I've written
DracoLich: Fluffy?????
DracoLich: How is societal wide slavery fluffy???
NeverStayMissing: Oh its the societal parts of it
NeverStayMissing: Okay I sort of get it then.
NeverStayMissing: In terms of the dynamic I personally think its lower in intensity than some of the other relationships I've written, but if you were really keyed into the worldbuilding I can see why you think it's the worst
NeverStayMissing: Btw some of the ideas I got for this fic I stole from you. You pointed out some holes in the setting that I didn't even think about. Fixing them made everything a lot tighter and gave me so many fun ideas for Robin and Angel's relationship too so thanks.
DracoLich: You're trolling me
DracoLich: you're not taking me seriously at all
DracoLich: why did you even message me if you're not going to take me seriously
DracoLich: you write some vile fucking stuff and now you're trying to make me think I helped you do it?
DracoLich: You're disgusting
DracoLich: Fuck you
NeverStayMissing: You're breaking my heart
NeverStayMissing: Do you want to see a picture of my cat
DracoLich: ?????????
DracoLich: What??????
NeverStayMissing: Look
She sent me a picture of her holding a massive maine coon. The maine coon was adorable. It was pressed up close to her chest and the curl of its tail told me it loved behind held. Both of Never's arms — at least the sections I could — were covered in tattoos. She was dressed in what looked like jeans and a plain black shirt.
It was all so normal. It was stupid, but I imagined her as ugly. Seeing her now, it drove in how fucked up that thought had been. Being attractive didn't make you a good person and my enemies were normal looking too. It's part of what made them so dangerous. Abusers could own pets and take cute pictures with them.
DracoLich: why are you sending me picture of your cat?
NeverStayMissing: I like my cat I think she's really cute
NeverStayMissing: Also you were telling me I was a horrible person and it was hurting my feelings :((((((((
DracoLich: I'm going to block you
NeverStayMissing: You know, I want to point out that, in this whole conversation, I haven't been mean to you at all
NeverStayMissing: And I've never been mean when I replied to any of your comments either
NeverStayMissing: But you've left a comment on every single chapter of Captured I wrote
NeverStayMissing: sometimes more
NeverStayMissing: And in a lot of those you've called me a rape apologies and told me that I should stop writing forever and that I was blight and a bunch of other shit
NeverStayMissing: It's like, because you think I did something bad, anything you say or do to me is now fine
NeverStayMissing: It's the sort of thinking that, ironically for you, leads to more abuse. Because guess what? When you write off people who make mistakes or do 'bad things' and consider them unredeemable, it gives room for other bad actors to step in and start hurting them without fear that nearly as many people are looking out for them.
DracoLich: You're trying to twist this around on me, but it's not going to work
DracoLich: I don't want anyone to hurt you, I never advocated for that and I never will
DracoLich: Everyone should be treated with some bare minimum of respect
DracoLich: but I'd call a nazi disgusting and harmful and I'd tell them to never write anything again
DracoLich: I'd call them a blight
DracoLich: I'd point out all the fucked up things their thinking causes and I wouldn't stop to worry about how they felt about it when they're not worried at all about the damage they're doing to other people
DracoLich: I'm mean to you, but you deserve it. You've hurt so many people with what you've done.
NeverStayMissing: Yeah?
NeverStayMissing: By writing a story where fucking catgirls are real?
NeverStayMissing: You know what?
NeverStayMissing: I'm so curious
NeverStayMissing: Take the premise of my fic at face value for a second
NeverStayMissing: The catgirls, objectively, are happier being owned. If they're not owned, they're so much worse off. They can't keep it together
NeverStayMissing: So under this situation, isn't owning them better?
DracoLich: what the fuck
DracoLich: I'm not going to answer that question
NeverStayMissing: You can't entertain a hypothetical?
DracoLich: You're hypothetical is an excuse for rape
NeverStayMissing: First of all, it's not. But here is another hypothetical for you. Let's say a person actually likes being 'raped' they need to be 'raped' and if they're not 'raped' they're going to die
NeverStayMissing: And when they're being 'raped' they actually love it
NeverStayMissing: they fantasize about being 'raped' all the time
NeverStayMissing: in this hypothetical, where this person is going to die if they don't get 'raped' is it actually bad to 'rape' them?
DracoLich: Why are you putting rape in quotation marks?
NeverStayMissing: Answer the question first
DracoLich: these are fucked up hypotheticals.
NeverStayMissing: What, are you incapable of entertaining them?
NeverStayMissing: You can type 1000+ words of criticism on my world building and how the way I was writing the politics and sociology of the catgirls didn't make any sense.
NeverStayMissing: But for some reason when I ask you to entertain a hypothetical that's about as ridiculous, you shut down?
DracoLich: You're trying to get me to say something bad
NeverStayMissing: It's not bad in the context of the hypothetical
NeverStayMissing: Just give me your opinion in the context of the situation I gave you.
NeverStayMissing: presented as it is, this person is going to die if you don't 'rape' them. Not only that, but they want to be 'raped' very badly, and when they are 'raped' they're super into and enjoy it and want it to happen again.
NeverStayMissing: In this case, if you 'rape' them, is it bad?
DracoLich: You're out of your mind
NeverStayMissing: you can't even answer that.
NeverStayMissing: Okay
NeverStayMissing: I didn't think you were going to engage, so this isn't surprising for me
DracoLich: How is the ethics of the fictional world you created at all relevant to the damage you're doing by writing it?
DracoLich: You could design a world where genociding a group of people was necessary and good by the words' standards, but you can't evaluate things only from those terms!
DracoLich: We live in a society with the social rules we do
DracoLich: And it doesn't matter if in the fantasy world you created that are is fine and great and everyone needs it
DracoLich: What matters is that the people who read it normalize rape in their heads and then when they see rape in the real world they didn't take it as seriously or think the victim wnated it or a hundred of other things
DracoLich: Not to mention the people that are revictimized by reading someone eroticizing one of the worst experiences of their life
NeverStayMissing: I'm not making anyone read anything I'm reading. If someone is too triggered by my content, they don't have to touch it
NeverStayMissing: I tag very clearly. You don't stumble upon anything I've written and miss the bolded "Rape/non-con" warning, among everything else I tag for.
NeverStayMissing: And I'm not stupid enough to deny that fiction has some sort of impact on reality, but I trust people to separate the two out.
NeverStayMissing: Violent video games don't make people more violent. There is a lot of data that says when more porn is out there, there is less sexual assault, so obviously porn isn't making people rapists
NeverStayMissing: So unless you have some sort of evidence that clearly labeled kinky smut is making someone out there want to rape someone, I don't know what the problem is
DracoLich: It's never anything new
DracoLich: it's always the same arguments
DracoLich: I could give you a million studies and you wouldn't believe me
DracoLich: You just don't want to listen
DracoLich: At the end of the day, you're still a disgusting rape apologist who doesn't care if they hurt people with you're perverted fucking fiction
DracoLich: So fuck you and all your self-righteousness
NeverStayMissing: No, I am a human being that doesn't like to have abuse hurled at me
NeverStayMissing: Again, I haven't been mean to you at all. You're the one being a huge bitch
NeverStayMissing: But since we're going there, since showing you pictures of my cat and trying to show you that I'm a person too isn't working
NeverStayMissing: I'm going to take my turn to lay into you
NeverStayMissing: You're so obviously kinky that I don't know how the fuck you don't see it
NeverStayMissing: You were usually the first to comment on my story and you quoted so many sections
NeverStayMissing: Which means you read them over and over again
NeverStayMissing: How did it make you feel?
NeverStayMissing: Are you the kind of person who gets off on the catgirl being owned and you feel guilty about wanting someone to own you or are you guilty because you want to own someone and you can't accept that?
NeverStayMissing: Because I have pages and pages of you really focusing in on their dynamic and all the parts that you found 'disgusting'
NeverStayMissing: But for something so disgusting you wrote a lot about it
NeverStayMissing: Paid it a lot of mind
NeverStayMissing: no one made you read it
NeverStayMissing: But you did because you think it's hot
NeverStayMissing: And nothing is going to change that
NeverStayMissing: No matter how much you run from it, you're as much of a pervert as me.
I blocked her.
Chapter Text
This fic was even sicker than Captured Catgirl. It was underage, since one of the characters was 17, and it had an in-text psychopath as the main character's abuser and "love interest." A woman who was abusing the main character's blindness, so it was hitting ableism too.
The correct thing to do was ignore the story. NeverStayMissing had already proved she was never going to change. But this—this I just couldn't let go.
So I hit enter and posted the comment I wrote.
DracoLich left a comment:
I can't believe you would write something like this. The fact that you're eroticizing Rose's blindness, depression, anxiety, and trauma is incredibly disgusting. Those topics should be treated with respect and your depiction is under-researched and offensive.
This goes for how you're treating Margo's "psychopathy" too. Psychopathy isn't even a term that is used in the field anymore and the controlled, powerful, intelligent psychopath is mostly a myth created by the media. You're making it seem 'cool' to be a psychopath, which is irresponsible in the extreme, considering how much damage the people who have ASP often do to themselves and the people around them.
That's not even getting into the way you've written about the foster care system and how it works because it's also totally wrong. But that's not nearly as damaging as you *depicting grooming and rape* as sexy! Margo is 35. Rose is 17. Even if Rose was 18, this relationship would be incredibly abusive. Rose has no idea how consent works and you know what? You don't either.
If Rose has all the trauma you said she does, she wouldn't be responding like this, as well. She wouldn't be awed by Margo abusing her and feeling her up, she'd be terrified and her perspective would show the sort of numbness and pain people who have those sorts of experiences suffer from. For example, that scene you wrote of Margo grabbing Rose when she's going to the bathroom in the middle of the night and making her hold it until she almost pees herself? Rose would've broken down. There wouldn't have been arousal or anything even remotely positive. And also, that you went there was just — I can't even believe it. It made me want to vomit.
I reported this story. I think you're breaking the ToS. I'm pretty sure this content is illegal. I hope you and all your fics get banned you fucking freak.
I put on my shoes and went for a walk as soon as the comment was posted. It felt like there was a stone in my stomach and like I was the dumbest person in the world. I'd known the fic was going to be bad when saw all the tags and the warnings, but I just—I'd read it anyway. And something productive had to come from that. Otherwise, why would I have done it?
It's not like I was getting off on the fucked up shit Never was writing.
At least I'd had the self-control this time to not comment on any chapter. The only time I'd look at that fic and the only comment I'd post would be the one I just had. I wasn't going to damage my mental health anymore by reading 'Darkness.'
God, I wish I had pointed out what an uninspired name that was too. Even if Never wrote fiction that normal people instead of perverts and freaks would like, she would never be able to get published due to her lack of skill with her titles and blurbs. It was for the best. If she was better at them, more people might read her content, and she'd be able to do even more harm.
I finished my loop around the block, shivering a bit as the winter air bit past my coat and made goosebumps rise on my skin. Winter break was soon. Work would have a week where it wasn't open for the holidays and I'd already finished my finals, so school was out until the Spring semester started. Soon, I'd have a nice stretch of time where I wouldn't have to do anything. It was a nice thing to think about to get away Never's stories.
I thought I might take a break from modding Kingdom then. The server was low-key enough that I wasn't at risk of burning out, but lately, there had been more fighting and arguments than usual and I was still dealing with the fallout from Buggy and Lion's ban. It would be nice to get away from it all. Have time for just me.
My phone buzzed in my pocket. I checked it. My heart skipped a beat. Never replied to my comment, but it wasn't her typical heart. She'd typed "unblock me."
I put my phone back into my pocket. I didn't owe her anything. I'd already said my piece. I'd made a mistake by reading and commenting already. I wasn't going to make another mistake by unblocking her and talking to her. It wasn't worth it. Nothing she could say would be of any value. She clearly hadn't listened to me at all last time and that wasn't going to change.
I needed to ignore her.
I needed to be strong.
_
DracoLich: If you're not here to tell me you regret posting your writing, I don't want to talk to you
DracoLich: There is nothing you can say that is going to change my mind
NeverStayMissing: I want to talk to you, because I am trying to figure out what compelled you to read all of what's been posted for 'Darkness' so far
NeverStayMissing: No one made you do it
DracoLich: Someone has to point out that what you're doing is wrong
NeverStayMissing: Oh
NeverStayMissing: So you're back on this excuse
NeverStayMissing: You really do think you're a warrior for the beaten-down, huh?
DracoLich: No, I'm just here to make sure people stay aware of what good smut and bad smut is
NeverStayMissing: Yeah?
NeverStayMissing: Is that how you cope with it at night?
DracoLich: Are you going to sexually harass me again?
NeverStayMissing: I sexually harassed you? When did that happen?
DracoLich: Look at the last thing you sent me
NeverStayMissing: Pointing out that you think my smut is hot is sexually harassing you?
DracoLich: I didn't consent to being talked about like that
NeverStayMissing: Well this is your chance then
NeverStayMissing: I'm going to do it again
NeverStayMissing: I'll start in five minutes, if you're still here, I'm taking that as consent
DracoLich: That's not how consent works
DracoLich: Consent has to be enthusiastic, freely given, and ongoing
DracoLich: My not blocking you after some arbitrary time lime that you've set doesn't give you the right to start sexually harassing you
NeverStayMissing: Cope with it however you want to
NeverStayMissing: I'm telling you what I'm about to do, I'm giving you ample room to stop it from happening
NeverStayMissing: If you stay, it's consent, no matter how you try and frame it.
NeverStayMissing: We're on the internet, it's so easy to stop talking to me.
NeverStayMissing: So I'm waiting five minutes and if I'm still unblocked after that I'm going to show you how perverted you are
DracoLich: I'm not a pervert, first of all
DracoLich: And second of all, even if I heard you out, I'm never going to agree with your fucked up perspective, so why are you even wasting your time?
NeverStayMissing: Because I'm stupid and I want to see if I can get you to realize what you want
NeverStayMissing: But you're not going to bait me into this conversation now. I told you 5 minutes. That starts now. See you in a bit.
Maybe this was my chance to get her properly canceled. After she went off on her rant, I could make an anonymous Twitter post, redact my name, and publish all the screenshots. At that point, there would be no denying that she not only wrote dangerous smut, but she was also predatory herself and had no issues violating my consent.
There was a nervous excitement thrumming just beneath my skin. I was worried it would make the jump over to anxiety. Call out posts were always a whole production, but writing one on Never was important if she wasn't going to see reason. I wasn't going to let someone like her go unchecked.
NeverStayMissing: Five minutes have passed
NeverStayMissing: And I'm not blocked
DracoLich: I don't consent
NeverStayMissing: I told you that I was going to tell you why I think you're actually reading my fics. I told you you had five minutes to block me to avoid it. You also said you were never going to agree with me, so you're not waiting around to see if I have a good argument. The only reason you could be here at this point is because you want to find out what I'm going to say
NeverStayMissing: or because you have some other stupid plan you're trying to execute.
NeverStayMissing: Either way, you're here of your own free will.
DracoLich: I don't consent
NeverStayMissing: You're a submissive
DracoLich: I'm sorry???
DracoLich: You don't know anything about me
DracoLich: You have no idea what I am
NeverStayMissing: I thought you may have been a sadist who couldn't come to terms with it, but after reading everything, you're more focused on how all my submissive characters feel
NeverStayMissing: How helpless they are
NeverStayMissing: How it must feel for them to be exploited and used and owned
NeverStayMissing: Here are some comments you've made to prove that
She posted three in rapid succession. I skimmed them over. My stomach was doing flips. I felt like I'd been shoved right out of a plane. Something about the way she typed that message cut right to the core of me. I bit my lip and tried to use the pain to focus, then recoiled. What was I doing? That wasn't—
Fuck. Back on track. Her framing made no sense. Of course, I was going to be more focused on how the submissive character felt. I wasn't interested in embodying the mindset of a sadist. There was nothing to relate to there. I wasn't a monster.
DracoLich: You've proved that I'm more interested in victims than abusers, congrats
NeverStayMissing: You're interested in how the victims feel
NeverStayMissing: And you know why?
NeverStayMissing: It's because you like it
NeverStayMissing: What is it like, to read something and be so disgusted by it, but unable to stop reading anyway?
NeverStayMissing: I went through your bookmarks by the way
NeverStayMissing: Did you know that, of the 53 fics that are marked mature or explicit, 44 of them have BDSM, spanking, or some other fetish that's right at home in BDSM communities tagged in them?
NeverStayMissing: Not that much vanilla sex
NeverStayMissing: Isn't that interesting?
DracoLich: You're cyberstalking me now?
NeverStayMissing: If looking at the publicly available bookmarks of my most loyal commentator is cyberstalking, then yes.
NeverStayMissing: But you're dodging the question
DracoLich: There was no question, it was just you harassing me
NeverStayMissing: Be in denial
NeverStayMissing: It's fine
NeverStayMissing: I know your type
NeverStayMissing: I know what's going to happen
NeverStayMissing: I'm going to keep working on this fic and I know you'll read it
NeverStayMissing: Every single bit
NeverStayMissing: The next time you're reading it, I want you to notice that you're getting turned on
NeverStayMissing: That something about it seems good to you
NeverStayMissing: And I want you to think about what that means
This message could not be delivered. This user may have blocked you or their message configuration may not allow messages from those who are not on their friends list
She blocked me. I couldn't believe it. She'd blocked me. I screenshot the post and went to share it in Kingdom and with the other mods, but I stopped short of sending it. How was it going to look if they saw me talking to Never? Our conversation made it clear that it wasn't the first time we talked and that I had messaged her first this time. It was such a bad look. And with everything that happened with Buggy—
No, I couldn't think like that. I trusted my friends. After I explained why I did what I did, they'd see it my way. My messages made it clear that I wasn't on her side, to begin with.
Then again, there was her call out of my bookmarks to think about. I didn't have any really problematic stuff in it, but there were some edgier stories there. Things that weren't tagged dubcon that really should've been. Fics that I would've gated behind many more layers of warnings than the archive provided. It wouldn't hurt to be careful and hide everything. If anyone asked, I could always say it was in the name of privacy.
As I started to private them, I realized that was an extremely good reason. It never occurred to me that someone could look at it and learn something about me until Never had used it against me. In hindsight, it was so obvious though.
Once I finished, I went to Never's author page, intent on blocking her so I never saw her fics again. My cursor hovered over the block button. I didn't hit it.
I didn't need to block her. I was strong enough to avoid her story. I could see her name pop up and not give in to the urge to read, no matter what she implied. I could handle myself fine. Blocking her felt like surrender. I wasn't going to do that.
With any luck, the admins would see reason and remove her account and I wouldn't have to block her anyway.
Chapter Text
The bed under her, the rope that bound her wrist, all of it had turned into background noise as the belt kept coming. Rose's world consisted of nothing but the pain of when it struck and the anticipation of its return.
There was only suffering.
She thought she hated it. She wanted to hate it. But there was something else building inside of her, nameless and huge, but impossible to ignore. What she wanted no longer mattered. There was only Margo's will and her submission to it. She could sink into that. She could find refuge there.
But then the next lick didn't come. Rose's heart pounded. Her mind spun as she slowly came back to herself bit by bit. She knew better than to think it over. If anything, it may have gotten worse. Margo loved to let her think it was over before she came back to hurt her twice as badly.
But no pain came. Instead, Margo easily pressed a finger inside of her cunt. Rose choked. She hadn't been aroused before, it hadn't even been on her mind, but the moment Margo touched her it came roaring forth. Rose tried and failed to bite back a whine.
Margo slid another finger inside of her. Rose didn't know why they felt so huge. She had felt Margo's fingers before and found them slim and almost delicate. She shoved her face into the bed to try and prevent any other noises from escaping.
"For as much as you screamed, you're soaked. You're more of a pain slut than I thought, aren't you?"
"Mm."
"Answer me properly."
"I don't know Miss," Rose said, turning her head to the side.
"Then why are you wet?"
"I don't know." Rose wasn't sure of anything at the moment. Everything was spinning in useless circles. All she wanted was something steady to cling to.
"I do," Margo said. She pressed her fingers in deeper, then raked her hands down Rose's back to her ass. Rose sobbed. Her face was wet. The pain burned so hot, but it was bleeding into the arousal that rapidly expanded in her stomach. "You're a useless little masochist. You want to be destroyed. Well, darling," Margo leaned in and put her lips next to Rose's ear. "I'm more than happy to annihilate you."
The chapter ended. I couldn't stop reading the last few lines. My conversations with Never came back. She said I'd be back reading and I was. I hadn't been able to block her like I should've. And worse—there were parts of it that were sticking with me. I was having feelings.
Ones that were hard to name and I really rather wouldn't have.
I closed out of the fic and put my hands on my stomach. It had been doing somersaults while I'd been reading, but it did that for all sorts of fics. It wasn't a sign of anything per se. It didn't mean that I was—responding. It didn't mean I was like Never said I was. I wasn't going to adopt her frame to understand my response.
Even if it was harder than usual to find the anger and disgust for her fiction I usually felt.
God, what was wrong with me? Why was I acting like this? I left my room and went out onto my balcony. The almost freezing night air took my breath away, but I still felt hotter than I should. I rubbed my face. Something needed to change. I couldn't keep reading her fics, getting triggered, and then feeling sorry for myself. It was productive for absolutely no one.
It was just—her fics happened to make frequent appearances in the tags I often surfed. I knew better than to read them and I really had meant to skim when I clicked back into 'Darkness,' but I had ended up doing anything but.
It didn't help that all the comments were celebratory or supportive, whereas all the critique was as potent as a geriatric chihuahua yapping at a burglar. My comment had been buried. No one cared.
I grabbed the railing and squeezed. I needed to put my feelings into something. That something was either going to go into writing a call out post or—once again—commenting on Never's fic and warning other people about it.
Only, I couldn't comment again on my account. That would only show that I had been reading Never's fiction again and prove her correct. Luckily, I had plenty of alts. There were hundreds of other people out there, people who knew healthy fiction when they saw it like me, who were bound to write similar comments just like mine if they saw a fic like Never's.
I felt like I was in a daze as I went back to my computer, logged into my alt account, and found Never's story once again. I carefully chose the chapter right before the most recent one and started to draft my comment.
It was a lot of what I had said before, but I was careful to change the language around and quote different passages. I also kept it brief, so there was less of a chance of my style poking through. When I posted it, I immediately blocked Never, so I wouldn't get an email notice if she replied.
I wasn't sure if it was posting the comment or the time that had passed since reading that made me feel better, but I was settling down now. I hopped over to Kingdom and spent some time talking there with the users and the rest of the mods. I let them know that I was going to take a step back from modding starting next week, when my job let off for the holidays and my official one week vacation from all my responsibilities began.
Everyone was supportive, as I'd expected. It made me smile. I was glad to have friends like them. I sometimes missed having IRL friends like I had before I moved to this city, but my online friends did a lot to fill the gaps.
That finished, I went to shower, fantasizing about where I'd take a trip for break if I could. I had no interest in going home to see my parents and they had no interest in seeing me, so I had no obligations tying me down. Maybe somewhere tropical. Christmas and New Year's in Australia sounded compelling. I wondered if they had lesbian bars there. As I stepped into my shower, I imagined being in a hot tub with other attractive women while fireworks went off in the night sky above us.
Now that would be a good time.
Thinking of that hot tub brought forth some much more familiar feelings. I took time cleaning myself and when I got out and toweled off, decided I had the perfect way to blow off some steam. I went to my room and opened the top drawer of my dresser. It was where I kept my nightgowns and lingerie folded neatly next to my normal underwear and socks.
I bit my lip. It had been a while since I laid down and treated myself, hadn't it? Maybe it was a part of why I was so stressed. I just needed to lie down and prove to myself that I was normal and get off to normal things. It would go a long way to proving that Never's words were just that.
I slipped on a thin nightie without any underwear. It was a thin, almost translucent scrap of pink silk fabric. The chest of it had a flower pattern made up of black thread that let you see my nipples and breasts. I brushed my hands down my curves. I didn't usually feel that attractive, but the outfit made me feel good.
I laid in bed, got out my phone, and started to browse my archive bookmarks, looking for a good story to read. As I did, I traced aimless patterns on my stomach and thighs. Occasionally, I squeezed one of my breasts or toyed with a nipple. It made my browsing slower, but the slow build of warmth and pleasure inside me was well worth it. I stopped scrolling for a second and rubbed my chest with both hands, then pinched my nipples hard. I gasped. It hurt, but the pleasure burned much brighter than the pain. I twisted them. It made it even better, even as the pain started to be more present.
I let go. Breathed. Rubbed away the ache. Thought maybe I wasn't going to need anything to read to get off at all, when my phone buzzed with a notification.
I checked who it was.
NeverStayMissing: Did you seriously make a sock puppet to comment?
NeverStayMissing: I know it was you.
NeverStayMissing: it's obvious
I shouldn't have answered. I should've blocked her right back. But I was riding high on pleasure and warmth and would it really be so bad to tell Never to fuck off again?
DracoLich: I don't know what you're talking about
DracoLich: Now go back to blocking me and fuck off
NeverStayMissing: VC with me
DracoLich: Why would I ever VC with you??
NeverStayMissing: Because apparently, you're so obsessed with me that you're making sock puppets
NeverStayMissing: And I want to know more about the kind of person who does that
NeverStayMissing: Because I don't get it
NeverStayMissing: I honestly don't
DracoLich: there is nothing to get, I've told you exactly how I feel over and over again
NeverStayMissing: But you're still reading all of it?
NeverStayMissing: and then making sock puppets?
NeverStayMissing: There are people who are writing shit that is way worse than me
NeverStayMissing: There is Turner Diaries fanfiction out there, but you've picked me to hate on and I'm trying to get a better picture of the person who does that
NeverStayMissing: You're a classic anti
DracoLich: I'm not an anti. I don't subscribe to any of that nonsense
DracoLich: And there being worse content out there doesn't negate the harm your content is doing
DracoLich: I can be bothered by all of it
NeverStayMissing: You know
NeverStayMissing: I'd block you
NeverStayMissing: But you've proved that you're willing to go around that by making sock puppets
NeverStayMissing: So at this point, I'm at a loss
DracoLich: You're the one talking to me
DracoLich: You messaged me
DracoLich: I didn't reach out to you the first time or this time
NeverStayMissing: Yes, you're so innocent by reading and commenting on everything
NeverStayMissing: How could I miss that
DracoLich: I don't know what comment you're talking about
NeverStayMissing: I get it
NeverStayMissing: You're just a coward
NeverStayMissing: Not only are you an anti
NeverStayMissing: But you're a regular keyboard warrior
NeverStayMissing: You feel safe harassing people because there is a screen between you and them
NeverStayMissing: But even with that screen, you can't even have a conversation
NeverStayMissing: I'd say you're one of a kind, but there being so many people like you is part of the problem
Before I could think, I threw my blanket over my body and hit the call button on my phone.
Never answered on the first ring
"And you have a fragile ego too. I'm shocked," she said. Her voice was deep. It had an androgynous quality to it that was surprisingly pleasant. God, why couldn't anything about her be more offputting?
"I have an ego? You're going after mine, begging for me to VC you for no reason," I said. I put all the disdain that never came off as well through the screen in my voice. "If you think I'm harassing you, block me. That you're here is permission to continue."
She laughed. I felt as wired as the time I had almost been in a car accident. I didn't know what I wanted out of this, but God so help me I was going to get it.
"Tell me it wasn't you who did it. Let me hear you lie to me," Never said.
"Why does it matter what I did or didn't do? No one is making you talk to me. You said harassment, but I don't see any harassment."
"You know the rules so well, don't you? I bet you don't even ask why they're there in the first place. You just love to toe any line that you're given." Never's voice had dropped an octave. No matter how much antipathy I heard, there was almost a purr to it. It reminded me of a big cat who was following behind its prey as it bled out. My stomach dropped.
"The only rules I follow are the ones that are there for a good reason. Rules like 'don't write things that encourage rape' make a lot of sense to me."
"What if I told you I'd been raped and that's why I write what I do? Would that change your mind?" Never asked.
"You can process your trauma however you want, but sharing it the way you do is damaging all the same. You don't get a pass because you were hurt."
"At least you're consistent. I was raped by the way. And part of why I write what I do is because of that. But maybe I was wrong about you. You do have a backbone in there, somewhere. An actual principle for once. You might be one of a kind."
"I don't care that you were raped. Like I said, it doesn't matter. You're not going to make me feel bad for you by bringing it up like that. You're still disgusting."
She laughed again. It wasn't a mean laugh. It was the sort you gave when a child tried to insult you, but the meanest word they knew was 'moron.' I glared at my screen.
"Show me your face," I said.
"Oh? You didn't want to VC, but we're going to cam now?"
My hand shook as I turned on my phone camera. I glared at it, letting my eyes speak to loathing my words never could. I was no coward and I had nothing to hide from.
"You're too much of a little bitch to do it, I bet," I said.
"Bitch is a gendered insult. That's problematic," she snarked.
"Fucking do it then, you coward."
She turned on her webcam. Her face was androgynous like her voice. If she didn't have her pronouns in her profile, I wouldn’t be sure which to use. Her brown hair was cut in a fade I'd seen a hundred guys wear, but it worked well on her. Her ears were pierced. Her eyes were amber. She smiled. She didn't look tense. It was like she thought this was all one big joke that I was the victim of.
"Tell me you didn't do it again," she said. She leaned forward in her chair. "Let me see your eyes when you do."
"I did do it and I did it because you're gross and more people are going to believe it if there is more than one user name saying it. The other people making the argument have no fucking clue what they're talking about."
"There you go. Good girl," she said.
"Fuck off!" I shouted. "Don't you dare talk to me like that?'
"Hang up then," she said dismissively. Her eyes flicked to another monitor. "You don't have to stay."
"You—you're the one who said to call. What the fuck is your deal?"
"Actually, a question, do you really believe everything you say?" she said. "That all non-con fiction that eroticizes any part of the experience contributes to rape? Is that your sincerely held belief?" she asked.
I was getting whiplash from all the changes in the direction of the conversation. I hadn't been this frustrated in years. Not even the worst kids in my classes on their worst days pissed me off so badly. Maybe it was her haughtiness or how the way she talked to me made me feel small. I hated all of it. It was tying me into knots, sending me spiraling down and I —
"The things you and people like you write contributed to you getting raped," I said.
She looked back at me. In a half-second, her entire demeanor shifted. Her smile was gone and replaced by a thin line. Her eyes went cold. Her body was still. She looked at me like I was the disgusting one. Like I was a drowned rat that had climbed out of her toilet and was dying on the floor. My breath caught. It was hard to keep it steady. I expected a shouting match, not whatever this was.
"So that's how you want to do this, huh?" she said. "All the bluster that you care about victims, that it's all for them, but really, it's an excuse to be a bully. For a moment, I thought you may have been someone who believed in what she was saying, no matter how wrong you are. But you're not. You actively want to hurt people. You have hurt people. I know the people you have. Buggy lost so many friends after you booted her for no reason. Lion still has people asking her all the time if the rumors that you and your friends spread about her are true. She remade all her socials because of it, did you even know that? Did you care? If you did, it would've been easy to find out. She was telling people.
"But you don't care. Not at all. You want to bully people and you're in denial about how much of a kinky little pervert you are. That's all there is to you. Nothing deeper. You could be interesting if you were more self-aware. You'd be happier that way. You'd finally know why you're reading all the fucked up stuff you do. You're only on this anti bullshit because it gives you an excuse to read all the awful, terrible, problematic things you whine about without ever having to stop and think about why you're really there. If anyone is pathetic or disgusting, if anyone is a waste of space, it's you. I think you know that, even if you try to hide from it."
Never said it all without raising her voice. The calm wasn't just a veneer. It wasn't a show she was putting on. She was truly this relaxed. I was so pathetic to her that I wasn't worth yelling at. I had felt small before, but now I felt like an insect trapped in a glass tube and placed under a microscope. She made me feel inferior to her in every way. She made me feel like I was wrong no matter how right I knew I was.
She made me feel pathetic.
Was I pathetic?
I lowered my eyes, feeling cowed and stupid and not knowing why I couldn't close out of the chat and block her. What was I waiting for? What was going to happen after this?
"Did you—you weren't supposed to like that, you know."
I flinched. I glanced up, only to find Never was still watching me. I lowered my gaze. My finger hovered over the button to hang up.
"You really don't know what you are, do you?"
"You're fucked up," I said. I sounded so meek. Why couldn't I find the venom from before? What was this?
"You are too, you little fucking freak."
I winced. The words were sharp. It was like swallowing a thorn. "I'm going to block you," I said.
"You won't."
Never ended the call.
I felt like I'd gotten punched in the gut.
I waited for her to come back, but after a minute passed, it became clear she wouldn't. She left me with that. I started to type a response, then deleted it. She had the last word. Any attempt to get it back would make me look even more pathetic than she had left me feeling. I left the call. Went to my bed. Laid down and felt cold and weird, like the world was too much.
I grabbed a pillow and squeezed it tight. Never's words, just like she said they would, like she promised, played on a loop. I wasn't pathetic. I wasn't. I had friends, a job, a path forward, and no matter what Never said, a sense of ethics. I was doing what was right. She was the one who was wrong. I wasn't interested in anything she wrote besides pointing out why it was fucked up.
But what if I was?
It hurt, but the hurt came with a heavy, hot feeling low inside me. It felt too close to something else I didn't want to name right now. Everything was too much. Never had ruined my night. I buried my head into the pillow and screamed.
I wasn't getting anywhere with this now. I needed to take a step back. Reevaluate. Stop thinking about what she said, how she looked when she had, and all the weird things it made me feel.
No one ever made a good choice when they were emotional. I always had tomorrow. I wasn't going to let her goad me into any rash comments, even to myself. The best way to win was to be methodical. To plan my moves. To build up my defense.
So I could tear Never's down.
Chapter Text
DracoLich: I'm thinking about writing up a call out post on NeverStayMissing
DracoLich: She's even worse than I thought
SingingStars: What'd you find out?
Queenie: :eyeSingingStars:
Queenie: Yeah, is there stuff we don't know about?
Queenie: Did you find her socials or something?
RaspberryPi: Damn, finding her socials would be wild
RaspberryPi: I bet there is all sort of weird shit on there
DracoLich: No, nothing like that
DracoLich: Idk who she is really
DracoLich: But I've talked to her a few times now and the way she's treated me is beyond not okay
Queenie: Wait
Queenie: You've talked to her?
Queenie: What the fuck?
RaspberryPi: Yeah, how did you manage to contact her?
RaspberryPi: And why?
DracoLich: It's a bit of a mess to explain
DracoLich: But it's not really important
DracoLich: I talked to her because I wanted to confront her directly about what she was writing
DracoLich: To see if I could change her mind
DracoLich: I didn't really think I'd manage to do it, but I wanted to make sure no choice but to engage with what I was saying
DracoLich: Which was stupid of me to think. She didn't engage with it, by the way
DracoLich: If you were about to ask that
SingingStars: Lol that doesn't surprise me
SingingStars: But like
SingingStars: I know you already said it, but it really was kind of dumb to try.
SingingStars: That's why we ban all discourse about how problematic your work can be and still be fine from Kingdom. Literally never productive.
DracoLich: Yeah, I know It usually doesn't do anything bu —
DracoLich: The stuff she writes and how popular it is just made me want to. Idk
DracoLich: But setting aside me being dumb aside, I have DMs and they look pretty bad.
DracoLich: I should've recorded her, honestly
Queenie: Recorded???
Queenie: Were you VCing with her?
DracoLich: It happened once, yeah
DracoLich: I'm not making a habit of it
DracoLich: we're not friends
Queenie: Yeah but you're vcing her which
Queenie: Like we trust you, but a little bit sus
RaspberryPi: And you didn't record it
RaspberryPi: If you were serious about the call out post you definitely would've done that
I started to respond, then paused. This wasn't the response I thought I would get. It didn't feel like anyone was on my side. The focus was more that I had talked to her in the first place. I had expected and wanted more nuance. But maybe… God, was Never just getting into my head? My friends deserved more faith. They might come around. I hadn’t shown them what I had yet.
DracoLich: It was kind of spontaneous
DracoLich: I wasn't thinking about it at the time, she taunted me and I just got mad
SingingStars: You should post the DMs
DracoLich: Okay
DracoLich: Here, you'll see what I'm talking about
DracoLich: I'll dump all the logs of our convos. I’d like help picking out what to highlight and organizing everything, if you could.
I screenshotted all of my messages with Never and dropped them into the chat. There were no quick responses. I poked my head into Kingdom to see what everyone was talking about. None of the conversations interested me. I went back to the mod server.
Nothing.
I felt like a convict waiting for the judge to read my sentence, even though I hadn’t done anything wrong. Hell, I’d been aggressive to Never the whole time we talked. There was no chance that anyone could think I was on her side.
But then why was I so nervous?
I got up from my desk and wandered into my kitchen, feeling lost. It felt like there was a clear demarcation between how things were before Queenie had posted Never's fic and in the mod server and now. It hadn't been that long. How were things changing so far?
I opened my freezer. My bottle of citrus-flavored vodka looked back at me. I took it out, got out orange juice, and made myself a screwdriver. My first sip proved it was too strong.
I kept drinking anyway.
My work break started. I had no obligations. I could be so hungover I couldn't get out of bed tomorrow and it wouldn't matter. It wasn't the healthiest way to relax, but I needed to be out of my head more than I needed to be healthy. Alcohol was going to get me there the fastest.
I turned on music and swayed my hips. The awkwardness of drinking and dancing alone melted away the longer I did it. I was going to enjoy myself doing this more than I would enjoy going out. I mostly left my apartment for the gym, work, and errands. The rest of my hobbies were digital and all my friends could be reached there. I wasn’t exactly looking to go out and make some IRL ones right now, though maybe I should’ve. Maybe people who weren’t as terminally online as me would make me feel less stressed.
Or more likely, it’d just be stress in a different way. It’s not like people suddenly transformed when they got behind a keyboard.
I finished my drink, made another, then went to go sit outside. In my pajamas and bare feet, I felt oddly vulnerable, even though I was too cloaked in shadow for anyone to see me. I sat cross legged and tucked my feet under my thighs to fight off the cold. It didn’t stop me from shivering, but I really didn’t want to go back in right now. I took a deep breath, let the chill of the air fill my lungs, then checked the server again.
Queenie: You've talked to her a lot
Queenie: And you said it yourself it wasn't worth it
RaspberryPi: Tbh
RaspberryPi: Like, yeah she was being kind of creepy
RaspberryPi: But some of this reads almost like you're sexting
SingingStars: I wasn't going to say it
SingingStars: Like
SingingStars: Okay, ignoring that, she's being weird with that, but are your bookmarks actually like that?
SingingStars: And why are they private now?
SingingStars: What have you been reading?
Queenie: You called her too
Queenie: Like, that was your choice
Queenie: You haven't blocked her at all
Queenie: And like
Queenie: Did you sock puppet? Like is that true?
RaspberryPi: I'd like to know that to
RaspberryPi: It seems like you want to talk to her.
I laughed. This was — I didn't even know what. They were attacking me. They were attacking me for talking to Never, even though I'd gone for Never's throat. Even though I'd been meaner to her than almost anyone else In my whole life.
What the fuck?
Queenie: How did this start?
Queenie: @DracoLich
Queenie: Explain?
DracoLich: It sounds like you all don't think I have enough for a call out post
RaspberryPi: Lich, this is all kind of weird
RaspberryPi: Seriously weird
SingingStars: And this is with your obsession with making sure no one talks about Buggy and Lion even though they're friends with this person and are objectively problematic.
DracoLich: I don’t agree with that.
DracoLich: But even if I did, I don’t think all the rumors and shit talk and lies about them are okay. It’s literal bullying and I don't want it in our spaces.
DracoLich: Like, people were saying Lion may have sexually assaulted someone, but when I asked around no one could even tell me where they'd first heard it from, who was involved, or when it happened.
DracoLich: People were saying Buggy was letting abusers hide in Kingdom and not telling us who they were, but we haven't banned anyone for any reason like that since Buggy left.
DracoLich: So I don't know where that came from or who they’re talking about at all.
DracoLich: It’s just weird.
SingingStars: Re: Lion
SingingStars: It's pretty fucked up to just dismiss someone's experience like that. The person she assaulted may not be ready to come forward or want to have their story out like that. You’re just dismissing it out of hand.
DracoLich: ????
DracoLich: No one even had any particulars though! There isn’t even a common point of anything and the stories were different. How is it wrong to want more evidence before I just accept that someone did something like that?
DracoLich: Lion lives in like
DracoLich: Georgia? Or something too. I don't even think we have anyone else from that area in Kingdom so.
SingingStars: Just because she may not have done that to anyone in Kingdome doesn’t mean she didn’t.
DracoLich: Why do you think she did it? Like, what are you trying to say here? We’re just going to believe stuff like that without ever trying to do any checking?
Queenie: She's trying to say that we should believe victims
Queenie: Something you don’t seem to want to do.
Queenie: And yeah, no one in Kingdom was her victim, but there is a reason people are talking about her like that
Queenie: It's not out of nowhere. To try and shut it down without having all the evidence yourself is wrong
RaspberryPi: To be honest, I haven't been happy with a lot of how you've been modding, lately.
RaspberryPi: You're becoming Buggy 2.0
RaspberryPi: And now you're talking to this Never person and that's fucked.
RaspberryPi: And now you’re doing all of this? It’s a lot, Lich. It’s a fucking lot.
My hands shook. They were too stiff to type. I set my phone down and stared up at the blank night sky. My heart raced. I wanted to be sick. I wanted to scream. It was like I’d gotten jumped on the street and was getting robbed for everything I was worth. Everything that I could think to say felt like it would make things worse. The other mods had set up an almost unwinnable situation.
The freezing cold slowly made the rest of my body numb. I hoped it would help cool off some of the emotions raging away inside of me, but the sickly feeling of anxiety remained. I thought it might even if I sat outside long enough to get frostbite or catch something.
I went back inside and went straight into bed and under my blankets. My skin buzzed. Everything felt too warm and oversensitive. It was hard to stay under them, but I clutched a pillow to my chest and shivered until my body felt normal-ish again.
The sick feeling remained.
My phone started to vibrate again with incoming messages. I peeked at it. It was more nitpicks of my conversations with Never and criticism. There was no sympathy and no one was taking my side. It almost made me feel like my friends hadn’t ever liked me to begin with and had just been waiting for a chance to levy all their critiques.
I muted the server and decided to try and read something to take my mind off of things. I Went to my bookmarks and stopped when I noticed the last one I had saved was tagged "BDSM" and "Spanking." The bookmark after that was tagged BDSM too. And the one after that. All the way down. My stomach dropped. I had run a filter on my bookmarks when I privated them. I hadn’t seen them laid out like this. It painted a very different picture.
The next page had some more normal fics mixed in, but there were still lots of BDSM tags. The fics that carried those tags were almost always some of my favorite stories. But that was, I mean, BDSM was edgy, but it was okay to like it. The fiction I like had good consent practice. And I mean, they were all fantasies. I wouldn't condone almost any BDSM in real life, but it was okay in fiction. No one was getting hurt. It was —
I stopped. Those were pro-shipper arguments. I was justifying things with the same reasoning I’d rejected a dozen times before. I rolled onto my side as my stomach churned. Drinking earlier no longer seemed like a good idea. I thought I might vomit onto my carpet.
Deep breath. This all or nothing thinking wasn’t going to do me any favors and I didn’t want to engage in it. There was nuance to be found. Some arguments pro-shippers used were wrong, but it would be naive to say that all of their arguments had no merit. The opposition had to have something to offer. People being stupid wasn’t a good enough reason for why they believed things I didn’t.
At the end of the day too, works of art couldn’t account for everything, could they? Violent video games weren’t making people more violent. Call of Duty had some super weird propaganda embedded in it, but the people who played it weren’t suddenly monsters for enjoying it. Shit, some kid's shows had elements that people took issue with. There was no perfect media. You could only do your best.
But then, was I seriously going to sit there and say Call of Duty was doing its best? Or more relevantly, that the fiction that I had saved did? Maybe neither should’ve existed. Maybe it would’ve been better that way.
And yet, if people were so afraid of making something problematic, even by accident, there never would be art. The viewer had to be trusted a little. Not everything could be laid out. There had to be some sort of middle ground. There had to be. I just—
My head hurts. I didn't want to think about this anymore, which only made me feel guilty. This was my life, though. My hobbies and passions and interests. Not thinking about it because it was inconvenient was unacceptable. I should be able to have a definitive line for why some things were okay and others weren't. I'd thought I'd had one, but maybe I'd been wrong all along. Maybe I'd been putting toxic ideas in the world too.
Should I be supporting kink at all? Should this be something that we talk about in any capacity? Was it harm reduction to let people do it or would it be better to ban it altogether?
I looked back through my bookmarks. It struck me that I didn't want to ban these fics. I liked them. I'd read them and I still understood power dynamics and ethics just fine. They hadn't corrupted me. Obviously, it was possible.
Fuck it. I couldn’t do this anymore. I clicked on my favorite. I could have a night where I didn’t care about this shit. The world wasn’t going to end. I was going to let myself be happy.
I was allowed to feel happy on my goddamn vacation.
_
Never posted something new.
The tags were her usual fare. Heavy BDSM. Dubcon. Petplay. But there were some new ones too. Denial of Feelings, angst, and enemies-to-lovers. The summary read like it was a generic smut one shot featuring all her unhealthy, weird kinks, but that's not what grabbed my attention.
It was the line right under it that said, "For those who have been in denial :)"
It almost made me message her. I was seconds away from flicking over to my other monitor. But it was what she would've wanted. She was taunting me. I was going to read it and laugh about how bad her attempt was instead.
"You say you don't want to be owned, but look at you," she purred. My hands were chained above me, just slightly straining my arms. The steel walls made the room feel even colder, but nothing cut through me quite like Georgia's eyes. "People who don't want to be owned don't look like you do."
"You kidnapped me! Fuck you. Let me go," I said.
Her nails scraped lightly across my hip. I shivered. From the cold. Georgia's lip touched the shell of my ear.
"Oh? I did? When did that happen? You're the one who got into the car with me. You came home with me. You came into this room for me. You saw the manacles. You knew the way I was looking at you. You said it yourself. I was a predator. You shouldn't be here. You should leave. I told you where the door was. But you—" Georgia's hand shut out and cupped my sex possessively. "You stayed. And you're so fucking wet."
I tried to move away. She hauled me right back. Her fingers rubbed up and down my slit. I let my head hang and panted. Little sparks of pleasure forced me to twitch. I pulled hopelessly at my restraints. They didn’t give.
"If you didn’t want this, why did you stay? Why are you turned on?”
"That's — biology. You can't —"
"That’s a terrible excuse and you know it. There’s more here,” she purred. Her fingers found my clit. She circled it gently. The touch was too light to do anything more than tease. I squirmed. It was hopeless. I was trapped. Stuck. She had me.
Fuck.
The thought made something break. It was like a support pillar being knocked out. I wanted to drop to my knees, but there was nowhere to go and nothing to listen to other than Georgia's cruel words coated with fake kindness to make it easier for them to slip past my defense.
"You're — this is rape," I choked. "Rape. Yo—"
"Does saying that make this hotter for you? I should've guessed a slut like you would want that," she said. She grabbed my breasts and pinched a nipple. The pressure gradually increased until it throbbed. She twisted. A high, animal whine escaped. I threw my back head back. It landed on her shoulder. She didn't let up on the pressure, but her fingers rubbed my clit faster. "Well? Would it?"
"I— please I —"
"You what? Want more? You're a masochist? A whore? What are you?" she asked. She finally let go of my nipple, but then grabbed my other. This time, her nails bit into it. I screamed. She laughed. "I'll take that to mean ‘yes’ to all of that. Can’t believe you were too fucking stupid to figure out you liked this yourself.”
The mix of pain, degradation, and her far too clever fingers had me feeling like I was drowning. I couldn't get enough air and Georgia wasn't going to fix that. She wanted me helpless.
She said she liked her partners helpless.
She released me. I panted hard. She moved in front of me, grabbed my chin, and forced me to meet her eyes. There was pleasure and malice there. She wanted to destroy me.
A pulse of heat told me I liked that more than I should've.
"It's okay if you want to be owned. Some people are meant to be. I've learned to tell them apart from normal people. And you? You have all the signs," she said. "You love every scrap of attention I give you, crave my control, I humiliate you and you blush instead of shouting at me. I hurt you and you moan. You're not normal. You're a little fucking freak. You want to be used. I can do that for you. I'll make sure you know exactly how good it is to be owned."
"Fu— fuck you," I said.
She slapped me. The shock of it made it hurt so much worse. The side of my face burned.
"I'll teach you," she said, then disappeared from my view. I heard her opening something behind me. "I'll show you what you are."
I stopped reading. My thighs were clenched and pressed together. There was a heavy feeling low in my stomach. I was breathless. My head had some of the same fuzziness it always got whenever I got very into reading something.
For some reason, I was always very into Never's writing.
All of that, I pushed aside. I reached for my anger and to my relief, I found it where it always was. This crossed every fucking line there was. There was Never calling me a pervert, and then there was her witing fucking RPF about me to insult me. I’d thought even she was above this.
I called her.
She picked up. Her webcam flickered to life. She was dressed in a loose tank top. It made it clear she had barely any tits. It made me push out mine a bit more. I was prettier than her. She had that weird androgynous thing going on, but I knew more people would be into me than her. It made me feel more pure.
"What's up?" she asked.
"We're going to pretend?" I asked.
"I like a good bit of role-play myself, so sure. What are we playing pretend about?"
"Never."
"Call me Tori. It's weird hearing you use my username."
I was boiling. Her casual expression. The way she was so calm about this. I was playing right into her hands and she didn't even have the fucking courtesy to acknowledge it. I dug my nails into my palms. Took a deep breath. What was I hoping to get out of this? What did I want to say?
"Your 'friends' have been shit talking you, by the way."
"What?"
Tori smiled. It was the sort that made it clear she wasn't telling me for my sake. She had an agenda here. She always did. She always would. I couldn't forget that.
"Yeah, they dropped into a fandom server for a litrpg Lion's girlfriend likes. Someone was talking about my stories in there, Queenie had a little speech about how much I sucked, then brought up you, Buggy, and Lion as a list of people I had 'corrupted.' Lion's girlfriend screenshotted them and sent them to her, and then Lion sent them to me."
"If you don't have proof, shut the fuck up."
My client beeped. I saw the messages come through. There were three screenshots that were exactly as Tori told me they would be. Queenie was going hard. Hard enough that the owner of the server stepped in and told her she needed to chill out. Queenie left the server after that, but my name was floated alongside words like 'problematic,' 'corrupted,' and 'misguided.'
It wasn't a direct call out, but she was treating me like a child. She had seen how I interacted with Never — Tori. I had her real name, I was going to keep that fact close to my chest, in case I needed it in the future. I realized then that I didn't know Queenie's real name. She knew mine, though. She knew what city I lived in. She knew I was going to school to teach.
It was like a spotlight had suddenly been pointed at me and I realized I was on stage. I flipped back to the mod chat and read through all my messages. There was a lot of private information in there. Things that I only wanted to trust friends with. Issues I had been having, small bouts of depression, hopes and dreams. There were a few off-color jokes, too. Ones that I wouldn't want anyone else to see, because out of context, they'd make me look bad.
And all of that, Queenie had, while she was running around in other servers with my name in her mouth. I’d thought the dressing down I’d gotten for talking to Never had been it. Everyone seemed to have moved on. Apparently not.
"You said friends. This is just one person," I said.
"Yeah, I did. I jumped into this shared universe server based on mommy dommy plants, and Stars was there. There was a thread for my new update of ‘Darkness’— and I found her in it talking shit and saying that I was a toxic force for all the people around me and made all my friends believe rape was okay. Your name was mentioned. With Buggy's. And Lion's."
She sent me the screenshots.
My eyes clouded with tears. I couldn't believe what I was reading. They had somehow twisted it to make it sound like I was Tori's friend. What else were they saying about me that I hadn’t seen? What were their DMs to one another look like? Did they have a group chat about me? How deep did this go?
I thought of the rumors about Buggy and Lion. They had all started somewhere.
"You told them we were talking and it didn't go how you thought it would, huh?" she said.
"You don't — shut up," I said. I was still reeling. My camera was turned on. Why had I done that? I switched it off right as the first tears began to fall.
I couldn't trust them. Not after this. Not after Buggy and Lion. My closest friends, friends I'd had for the past 2 years, couldn't be trusted. They really had just been waiting for the chance to eat me alive.
There were bullies.
"Are you okay?" Tori asked after a long period of silence.
"This is what you wanted. You wanted to destroy my life. Well congrats, you made progress,," I said. I was breathing too hard. What I was saying didn't make any sense. I didn't care. "You and your stupid fucking stories and your DMs and all of you — I hate you. I fucking hate you." A sob tore its way out of me.
I ended the call before she could see me break down further.
I grabbed a program to delete my messages, gave it the permissions it needed, and started purging my DMs with them and my messages in any server we shared. I didn’t want them to have any of the info I’d given them in writing. Once I’d cleared everything, I’d start leaving servers. Maybe I’d warn everyone in Kingdom about them. Or maybe I’d just let them tear one another apart. It seemed like they were well on their way to that.
My client dinged. Tori was messaging me. I pulled it up.
NeverStayMissing: Hey
NeverStayMissing: I'm sorry for what you're going through
NeverStayMissing: It sucks, I've been there before
NeverStayMissing: People who you thought were good to you kick you out because you liked the wrong fic or you were friends with the wrong person
NeverStayMissing: And then you're guilty and there is nothing you can say
NeverStayMissing: it hurts now, but it'll be better in the long run.
NeverStayMissing: They're toxic
NeverStayMissing: You'll make better friends
I blocked her. I didn't need her messages of condolence or naked attempts at manipulation. This was almost textbook abusive behavior. She was driving me away from my friends and isolating me. She was publicly shaming me. She thought that would give her control over me. But it wouldn't. I was better than this. Better than them all.
I had real principles. I could stand up for things when I had to. I wouldn't run around and shit-talk people for not doing what I wanted. I'd do the opposite. I'd proven that to myself.
I was better.
And I wasn't going to let this happen to me.
Chapter Text
DracoLich: Effective today, I am resigning from my moderation position in Kingdom. If any of you ever want to connect with me again, feel free to send me a DM. Otherwise, I won't be back. Take care of yourself and remember to think for yourself.
I hesitated in the message box, then added an @everyone, left Kingdom, and the private mod server.
I was happy I'd chosen to download all my messages as the program deleted them. If I hadn't, I wouldn't have been able to put together the screenshots I now had of all of Queenie, Pi, and Star's most questionable moments. Compiling them made me feel insane, but I had a suspicion that they were doing the same to me. I was only protecting myself.
It wasn't like I was going to do anything with them unless I had to. I wanted to avoid e-drama for the rest of my life. Any thought of writing a call out post on Never was gone. I was even reconsidering leaving negative comments on problematic works. Doing that was what had ultimately put me in this position. I hadn't turned any tides by acting the way I had.
Really, it seemed like the only person I'd done any damage to myself.
My client dinged. Queenie, Pi, and Stars had added me into a group chat. I readied myself. This was the end of our relationship. I hoped it would go well, but deep in my heart, I knew it wouldn't.
SingingStars: Harper
SingingStars: What the fuck are you doing?
SingingStars: What's happening?
RaspberryPi: You've deleted everything from everywhere
RaspberryPi: Even our DMs are clear
Queenie: What???
Queenie: Oh my God they are
Queenie: What the hell?
Queenie: Why?
Queenie: Why are you leaving?
I started to go right for the screen shots to post them into the chat, but then I hesitated. I could get them talking. See if they denied any wrongdoing. It would be more ammo if I needed it. But more importantly, I wanted to see if they thought so little of me as to lie to my face.
DracoLich: Buggy and Lion told me that you all had been talking about me behind my back and spreading rumors
DracoLich: And I got really uncomfortable after you all sort of went after me just because I talked to Never for a few times
DracoLich: I was taking a break from Kingdon, anyway, and I realized that I didn't want to ve doing the moderation or community building anymore, either. I'm close to graduating and I'm busy so
DracoLich: I just decided to take a step back and get away from anything dramatic.
RaspberryPi: We haven't been spreading any rumors.
RaspberryPi: You really believe Buggy and Lion over us?
DracoLich: So you haven't been saying anything about me, anywhere?
DracoLich: None of you?
Queenie: I would never spread rumors or talk bad about you like that, you know me.
SingingStars: Yeah, exactly. I wouldn't talk shit. I don't do that.
DracoLich: Oh
DracoLich: Idk
DracoLich: some people were DMing me and asking if I was friends with Never
DracoLich: And it reminded me of what happened to Lion and Buggy
DracoLich: I don't why people would be asking that, the only people who know that Never and I have talked before are you guys
Queenie: And her
Queenie: Don't forget her
Queenie: I told you, she's using you. She's going behind your back and probably telling people all sorts of things
Queenie: If you're getting DMs like that, it's because of her
SingingStars: ^^^^
SingingStars: Exactly
SingingStars: She's been trying to get into your head the whole time you've been talking
SingingStars: She's the exact type to do something underhanded like this
SingingStars: Do you have the names of anyone who DMed you? I can see if we share servers or something.
SingingStars: We can try to help you figure out what happened
SingingStars: Because we haven't done anything
Queenie: Yeah
I read over what they typed. They had a good point. This could've been Tori fucking with me the whole time. Those could've been doctored messages or more likely — Tori had started saying that we were friends and —
Was that why everyone had been so concerned? Because Tori had already set the stage for something like that? Was I really going to trust her over my friends? She'd gotten me to delete everything, already. Was I so blind to her manipulation?
I chewed the inside of my cheek, unblocked, and called her.
She answered.
"Share your screen with me right now, go to that server, and prove to me that you didn't forge the chats from Stars or those screenshots Lion gave you."
Tori's camera flickered to life. She looked confused. I didn't let myself fall for it. If she was pulling strings in the background, then it wouldn't surprise me if she was a good actor too.
"Where is this coming from?"
"I need verification of what you told me. Those screenshots aren't enough. They could've been forged. You owe me this anyway because you wrote that fucking fic about me so—"
"Wait, what fic? What are you talking about?"
"The one you just posted! With Georgia and that other woman! Your summary was about me. You were making fun of me and implying I was a freak!"
Tori blinked. "Lich, that's wasn't about you. I don't even know how you—"
"You do. You so do! 'For those who have been in denial :)' was your author's note. How the fuck am I supposed to take that? Don't lie."
Tori rubbed her face. "God, okay—I can see how you got there. It's not unreasonable, but I promise I wasn't thinking about you when I wrote it. That story was inspired by a friend of mine who swore that she wasn't into BDSM, but then started talking to another friend of mine and in a few months they were doing some pretty intense kink. My friends even beta read the fic and gave me some lines they used in that scene to throw in there. It was kind of a gift for them. It had nothing to do with you."
She paused for a moment in thought. I stared, not quite believing what she was saying. That was such a convenient excuse. A lie that I couldn't ever disprove. God, this was too much of a mindfuck.
"Okay, I'll say this. If I was going to write something to fuck with you, I'd make it extremely clear The character would look like you. They'd talk like you. They'd have your same beliefs. I wouldn't be vague. I wouldn't want you to miss it. When have I ever tried to obscure or hide how I felt about you?"
My client dinged more. Star, Queenie, and Pi were still messaging, waiting for a response. I swallowed. I still couldn't trust Never, no matter how convincing she sounded. I needed harder evidence.
"Share your screen and prove to me it's all true. I need to see it."
"Okay. Fine, if you want me to. But first, swear you're not recording or screenshotting right now."
I held up my hands. "Show me," I said.
Tori shared her screen with me and shared the DMs she had with her friends of them beta reading the fic. Then, she hopped into the server where Stars had been shit talking about me and proved that Lion had sent her the screenshots she'd shown me. All of it was incredibly damning evidence, but I had to be sure. Totally sure. I couldn't leave room for doubt.
"How do I know that you haven't been spreading around that we're friends and they picked it up from there? They shouldn't go around talking about me without asking me first, but if you've been telling everyone we're friends, then they're repeating back what you said. You could be twisting all of this. Prove that you're not. Go through all your servers and DMs and —"
"Stop."
"You—"
"I said, stop."
Tori looked more stern than angry, but I could see that changing quickly if I pushed any harder. I shut my mouth.
"I'm not going to let you see all my messages and go through all my socials. I don't owe you that. I didn't even owe you sharing my screen now," Tori said. She stopped sharing her screen with me. "Second, why would I waste my time spreading rumors about you? What's the point? No one in my circles knows you as anyone other than that crazy woman who leaves nasty comments on my fics. Their opinion of you can't go much lower and most of them are convinced that you wouldn't be able to see reason if God themselves came down and gave you a reality check.
"So no, I'm not spreading rumors about you. And if you're worried about manipulation, all you need to do is look at your little group of friends. The evidence is all there for your review. I don't need to convince you of anything."
I believed her. I hated that I believed her. But logically, the only person with hard evidence on her side was Tori. She might be lying to me, she may have set it all up but—
"If you set it up, there would be proof of that," I said, speaking my realization out loud. I had proof that the other mods had been talking about me. If Tori had been the one to say we were friends first and that's where they picked up that 'fact' from, then they must have messages or proof or something to demonstrate that. It didn't even have to come from Tori herself. I just needed some source that wasn't them to prove they weren't the origin point for the rumors.
It would still mean they were spreading things irresponsibly, but it would be better than it all starting with them.
"I'm guessing you called me because they're denying everything and blaming it on me? What are they saying?" Tori asked.
"Why do you care?"
"Morbid fascination and empathy. This has happened to me too. It sucks. I get it."
"What do you mean, empathy? I bet you're enjoying this."
"There is some schadenfreude, yeah. But you look like you're about to have a breakdown. That's a hard sort of pain to enjoy."
"Oh, so you'd get something out of someone's pain normally," I said. My mouth was running without my permission. I was stuck staring at the DM that my friends — no, my former friends — had dragged me into. Everything I'd been so sure of was a lie. All my trust had been thrown to the wind.
"Yeah. I do. But that doesn't really matter. As annoying as you've been, you've also been pretty entertaining to talk to and right now, it looks like your world is getting flipped on its head. I can have some empathy and understanding for that. Now, do you want to keep talking to me, or are you going to hang up handle whatever you've got going on there?"
"Hang on. Let me do something first," I said. I'd give them one last chance and show what I had. Maybe they really did have those DMs and it was Tori all along. What was the harm in being sure? I dropped the screenshots Tori had sent me in the chat.
DracoLich: Someone sent me these. It looks like you have been starting rumors. If you have proof that you heard these things from somewhere else, give it to me now. Otherwise, I think you all have been lying to me.
Queenie: Are you forging messages or something?
Queenie: Because I have no idea where that is or where you got it from
Queenie: And I don't know what kind of game you're playing right
Queenie: But with everything else, it's making me happy that you left everything. I don't trust you anymore
RaspberryPi: Are these real?
RaspberryPi: Queenie, these look real are these real?
RaspberryPi: Stars?
SingingStars: I mean, nothing I said was wrong
SingingStars: She is in your head, the two of you are friends, I don't know what this is supposed to prove
SingingStars: @Pi you seriously think this is some bombshell?
"You said you wanted to see, right?" I said, watching it all unfold.
Tori smiled. It was dangerous. It was stupid to show her anything, but I had no allies right now. No one who was going to understand. At least one person could get some pleasure out of seeing everything go down.
"I'll show you all of it," I said, feeling a vindictive streak like no other overtook me. "Here. Take it," I said.
I sent Tori my folder with all of Pi, Stars, and Queenie greatest hits, then shared my screen so Tori could see Queenie, Stars, and Pi, fight. A few minutes later, Stars booted me from the group DM.
Tori cleared her throat. "Wow. Well, I can see why you don't want to be their friend anymore. Now, what exactly did you send me? Are these—oh. Leaked DMs? Is this just more of the same?"
"No, those are everything problematic they've ever typed. All the 'jokes,' everything. You can do whatever you want with them. Post them."
"I'm not going to do that."
"What? Why not?"
Tori leaned in a little and narrowed her eyes. "Because, for all your complaints of being manipulated, you're trying to manipulate me into being the one to leak things. That's not going to happen. You can do it if you want, but I have no interest in this drama other than watching it unfold. For what it's worth, I don't think there is a lot of merit to trying to cancel them for any of these jokes though. They're not that bad. The bad things they've done is all the shit talk and bullying. If you're leaking things, leak that."
I looked over all the screenshots that Tori had given me. They really were the best pieces of evidence I had. I'd looked through my friends list for someone on Kingdom to leak everything to, and then I'd try to be done with it.
I doubted I would be, but I was going to try.
"Your fiction is still gross," I told Tori, then ended the call.
_
DracoLich: Why do you write this shit?
DracoLich: Why do you like it?
I threw myself onto my bed as soon as I sent the messages, afraid that if I didn't, I'd delete them. I didn't know why I was opening a door I should've locked shut. It hadn't even been 24 hours since I'd left Kingdom and blocked all my former "friends."
Was I really that lonely?
No, it wasn't loneliness making me do it. It was curiosity. Ever since the incident with Queenie and the others, I was questioning every opinion I'd ever had. If I could be so wrong about the type of people I considered to be my friends, what else was I wrong about? What else had I overlooked?
I'd tried to do more of my own research into the topic, but the stupid articles and websites the Internet produced were hardly insightful. 'People like power exchange and that's why they like BDSM, some people are masochists, some people are sadists, and fantasy can be healthy' did not do nearly enough to explain why someone wanted to write a story about an orphan being groomed, beaten, and raped by her caretaker.
Even if it turned out I was right, doing the extra work to understand Tori's perspective would arm me with stronger arguments in the future. I could direct them to better outlets for their urges. I could be effective in a way I hadn't before. No matter what happened, taking the time to do this was a good idea.
Plus, I just… didn't want to be angry anymore. My rage had blinded me to what had happened with Lion and Buggy. My self righteousness had led me to think bullies and traitors were my friend. I couldn't go on as I was.
Something had to change.
NeverStayMissing: Is this a serious question?
NeverStayMissing:Or are you about to launch into another screed about how I'm disgusting?
DracoLich: I'm being serious
DracoLich: I don't get it
DracoLich: I tried googling it, but it still doesn't make any sense to me
NeverStayMissing:Okay
NeverStayMissing:I could give you a whole lecture on it, but I'm trying to decide how worth it it is
DracoLich: I literally told you I was being serious
NeverStayMissing:Yeah, and you have also left me almost a 100 comments tearing into me
NeverStayMissing: So forgive me for being cautious
DracoLich: I'll tell you this on voice
DracoLich: we can be on cam, I don't care, just explain this to me
NeverStayMissing: This
NeverStayMissing: You know what?
NeverStayMissing: Fuck it
NeverStayMissing: I called you boring once, but now you've started to interest me again
NeverStayMissing: Get on cam.
I called her and turned on my webcam. She did the same.
"What do you do all day? You're always around when I'm messaging you and I message weird hours," I said.
"I'm a crime scene cleaner. I work when they call me in."
"I'm sorry?"
"I told you. I'm a crime scene cleaner. I do suicides or people who die and get forgotten about too. It's all contract work and if there is nothing to clean, there is nothing to do. Tell me what you do?"
I shouldn't. The less information I gave people, the better. But there was something in her voice when she asked that made me want to listen. I felt like I owed her some openness in return too, especially considering I wanted her to answer my questions.
"I work at a daycare and I'm studying to be a grade school teacher. I'm on break right now because everything is closed."
"Oh, of course you are," Tori said. "That fits to a T. Is that why you're so big on the anti-kink crusade too?"
"We're here to talk about why you write what you do, not my life," I countered.
Tori smiled. "Fine. I write it because it resonates with me and because there wasn't enough content that I wanted to read out there, so I started to make it myself."
"What do you mean, it resonates? I need an actual explanation. And a real one. The answer you gave is one I've already read. I already know the basics."
"You do? You don't seem like it based on some of the comments you left me." Tori put her chin in her hand. "Tell me the basics, then.' No need to waste my time going over it you already know.”
“You’re serious? Why?”
“Humor me.”
"BDSM stands for bondage, domination, sadism, and masochism. It's a wide variety of sexual and sometimes non-sexual practices people allegedly consensually engage with. The most obvious appeals I see listed for why people do it are desire for control or a desire to not have it. Being a sadist and masochist also star as common explanations. None of that tells me why. It's just restating what's on the tin. What do you get out of this shit?"
"You said it already, though, didn't you? Control or lack of it is a big one for most people."
I growled. "You're fucking — that's not answering it. What does that mean?"
"It depends on the person."
"What does it mean for you?"
She sat up straight. "The control means feeling powerful. It means I get to have my expectations met and that things are going the way I want them to. It also means getting to take care of people and feeling the devotion I gain from them. And yes, I happen to be a sadist, too. I can go into more detail on all of that, if you want, but that's the summary." Tori thought for a moment. "Or no. Most importantly it feels right. Just like I know I'm a woman, I know I want to be in control. Does that answer your question?"
That locked in my suspicion that she was trans. Not that I was ever going to bring it up. There was no need to and I didn't care anyway.
"What you said doesn't answer my question."
Tori laughed. "At least you're honest, but if that's not going to satisfy you, I don't know what would. I wish I could show you. It'd be easier that way. Come to Realt sometime, why don't you?" She gave me an exaggerated wink.
Realt. She lived in Realt. My heart stopped. We were in the same city. Realt was big, but the trains went everywhere. Wherever she was, I'd be able to get to her. If I wanted to.
Did I want to?
Why was I thinking about it?
"Do you live in Realt too?" Tori asked.
I cursed under my breath. She was too perceptive for her own good. I tried to suppress my emotions, but it was too late. A big, stupid grin grew on Tori's face.
"You do, don't you? Oh, how perfect."
"You have no idea where I live," I snapped.
"The look on your face told me all I needed to know. Tell you what, let's skip past the boring 'come get coffee with me' nonsense and get to the good bits. There is a rope jam tomorrow. My usual rope bottom had to cancel on me, so I was going to go alone. But if you show up, I can tie you up and give you a taste. There will be plenty of other people there, I won't be able to do anything you don't want me to, so don't worry about that either."
"I don't want to be tied up," I said, reeling from her suggestion. What the fuck was she on about? Why me?
"You want to tie people up then?"
"No! I — I don't want any of it! I just wanted to understand. I don't want to have it happen! And — and what kind of person just solicits someone like that? You don't know what my history is. We've barely talked! You can't ask people things like that?'
"Sure I can. I just did. Is there some physical limitation or trauma you have that makes rope unsafe for you?"
"No but —"
"Then you could come if you wanted to. I only suggested it because you wanted to know what people get out of it. Well, here is your chance to see. If you're polite, you can even ask other people. Some of them would be happy to share."
"This requires trust. We don't have trust," I said, remembering something all the articles I'd read repeated over and over again. The foundation of any relationship like this was trust. Without trust, everything would break apart.
"We can build more of that."
"You're insane. You're setting yourself up for failure. I could do so many things to you. I could — that I'm warning you of that to begin with is a red flag," I said.
"You can just say 'no' or not show up, sweetie. You don't have to invent excuses. Part of why we're in public is so I'm safe too. Here's the link for it." My client pinged as she sent the message. "Look it over. If you come, you come. If you don't, you don't, but if you do, maybe you'll learn what you're looking for."
"You—I —"
"I did a kind of shit job explaining this today, but come tomorrow, and I'll try to do better."
"This is a mistake."
"Probably. I have a high risk tolerance. Now, I've gotta run. I've got some writing to do. Hopefully, I'll see you tomorrow."
"I—"
She hung up.
This was too much. It was all so much. She was insane. She should hate me, but instead, she was claiming to have enough trust in me to feel safe tying me up. I took a deep breath.
This was all in my hands. No matter how she acted or her attitude, I didn't have to show up to her event. I could block her. My life was in my hands. I hadn't given myself over yet. I never would.
I closed out of our DM and prepared to go to the gym. I had steam to work off. Maybe I'd go out tonight and treat myself to dinner. I was still on my version of a vacation after all. I may as well enjoy it.
I couldn't let Tori dominate every part of it.
Chapter Text
I checked the address and confirmed for the fifth time that I was at the right place. An aerial silks gym stood in front of me, sandwiched between a tattoo parlor and an Asian bakery. It was a rather eclectic combination of shops to have all together.
It was already dark even though it was only 5, which meant I should go into the gym already instead of freezing my ass off lingering on the sidewalk, but if I went in, I might meet Tori. If she saw me, it was over. Even if I didn’t step foot into the gym, she’d known I’d been…
What? Curious enough to come? Stupid enough? I had no real idea why I’d come. I was meeting a woman who, for all intents and purposes, I hated. One who wrote fucked up kink that, even if it wasn't worth raging against, was still problematic. She should be the last person I met in real life.
And yet, here I was.
The only justification I had was that I’d come to get a better understanding of BDSM, but that didn’t really require coming to a rope jam. There were interviews I could’ve watched online or books to read. They wouldn’t be perfect, but neither had Tori’s explanation. Why would hearing it in person be any different? It wasn’t like I had any plans on letting her tie me up, even if I did go in. So really—
"Wow, you actually came."
I whipped around. Tori was standing there, a large bag slung over her shoulder. She was dressed in a pair of comfortable looking sweatpants and heavy brown leather jacket. Her webcam obscured just how tall she was. She had to have at least 6 inches and 50 pounds on me. I took an instinctive step back. She held up her hands.
"Whoa, whoa, I'm not going to hurt you. Relax."
My fate was sealed. I couldn’t run now. I was no coward. I had to get my explanation and stick to the guns I had. "Okay, I’m here. Now, you have to make good on your part of the deal and make a good argument for why it's okay to write what you do and explain all of this—" I said, waving my hands around.
"Oh, we're going to have literary debate part 2 as well? Okay, that’s fine. I’ll answer your questions, but we’re not doing it on the sidewalk. Probably not in there, either. I don’t know if you’re going to be in the mood to talk once I’ve got you in rope.”
"Who said you're going to get to tie me up?" I asked.
"You're here, aren't you?"
"What I just want to watch?"
She smirked. “Then you just watch, but I don’t think you came to do that.”
“What, are you a mind reader now? Or do you just completely lack manners? It’s extremely weird to imply you’re going to do something like that to me.”
“Excuse me for noticing the fact that you’re wearing form fitting clothes and have your hair tied back, things that were strongly recommended to do, especially if you planned on bottoming. But maybe more than that…'' Tori came closer, until there was less than a foot separating us and breaths were practically mixing together. "You're curious. You asked me about kink, you dressed to get tied up, then you showed up at a place where everyone's doing that. The choice is always yours, but don’t act like you never even considered it as a possibility. Regardless of what you do, I’ll see you inside.”
She brushed by me and walked into the building. My face was hot. I glared at the door. Would leaving really make me a coward? It would be the ultimate fuck you to leave after Tori said all that. She was so sure I was going to do what she expected. It would be nice to wound her ego.
But then I wouldn’t get my answer.
How many people could say they’d gone to something like this either? It was a novel experience. I didn’t have to make this about Tori. It could purely be about satisfying my curiosity, finding out what shibari looked like in real life, and what the demonstration about being a ‘good rope bottom’ could tell me about why people were into this stuff to begin with.
Plus I was already here.
I walked into the building.
There were around 14 or 15 people spread out in a small gym. Silks like cirque du soleil performers used were pulled up so they didn't get in the way. There was a front desk with a bunch of waivers on it and an older woman sitting on a chair. Tori was talking to her. They both looked at me as I entered.
"And there she is. This is my rope partner for the evening. Her name is Lich. She's new to all this," Tori said, gesturing at me. "Lich, this is Ace. She's one of the organizers for the Realt chapter of Hitchin Bitches. I already paid for you, so grab a waiver and fill it out.”
She was so confident that she’d already paid. The pure ego of this woman. I wanted to glare, but then Ace was standing up and handing me a clipboard.
"It's a pleasure to have you. I hope you have a good time. If you have any questions at all, especially about rope bottoming, please ask me. I'm big on the topic.”
"She does have great advice," Tori said.
“Thanks.” I skimmed over the waiver, pointedly ignoring Tori as I did. Calling me her partner was a stretch, but I wasn’t going to kick up a fuss about it. I’d simply let her find out that her expectations after this weren’t going to be met.
This was all a challenge. If I walked away now, I'd look like a coward. This was such blatant manipulation. It was on the level of grade schoolers calling one another chickens. I licked my lips. Tori didn't waver. A new person came in. Ace greeted them.
Tori nudged me. "I'll go set up, find me when you're done," she said and walked away to an open mat on the floor.
The person beside me walked by. I flipped the waiver over and saw the line where I was supposed to sign. I unclipped the pen from the top of the board and pressed it to the page, then froze. Was I seriously going to do this? Was I going to sit down next to Tori and have this conversation? I said I wasn’t going to let her tie me, but what if she convinced me? What if I ended up in rope anyway? This suddenly seemed like a terrible idea.
"It's normal to be nervous the first time," Ace said. I looked up. She was smiling gently at me. "Don't feel like you have to do anything you don't want to. If you want to sit and watch for your first time, you can. Move at your own pace. Faster only causes problems. And you’re ever uncomfortable at all, don’t be afraid to speak up or wave me over. I aim to make this space as safe as possible.”
To my surprise, hearing that soothed some of my anxiety. I wasn’t sure why, but I imagined this whole event to be much grimier and aggressive than it was turning about to be. It was more proof that there was more to all of this than I had ever given it credit for it. The drive to find out what else I was missing only grew stronger.
"Thanks. I'll be okay though. I'm not going to do anything I'm not ready for," I said. At least I was going to do my best. “I appreciate it though.”
“You’re welcome.”
I signed the form, handed it over, then crossed the floor to join Tori before I could doubt myself again. I didn't have to let Tori do anything. This was my choice. If I didn’t want to be here, then nothing stopped me from leaving.
"So, how are you?" Tori asked as I sat across from her and took off my coat. She opened her bag. There were bundles of neatly coiled rope inside. Some were dyed, but most looked natural.
"Why do you need that much?" I asked.
"I usually don't, but I like to have lots of different colors. Some of this rope I can only use for floorwork now too, because I've suspended with it enough that it's lost strength.”
“Suspended?”
“It’s exactly what it sounds like. You’ll almost certainly see some of it today.”
“That’s safe?”
“Define ‘safe,’” Tori replied. “Really, none of this is ‘safe.’ Rope is dangerous. You can get hurt, but you can get hurt riding a motorcycle or doing drugs or playing sports. It’s just about the risk you choose to take.”
“Okay, what’s the risk of dying then? If you suspend someone?”
“It depends on how it’s done. Lower risk of dying than nerve damage though. That’s the big concern.”
Nerve damage. Fuck.
“You can do it in a safer way. And if you decide to tie or get tied, you’ll learn how to do your best to avoid it and what it might feel like if it’s happening. They’ll go over some of that today, too. And I’ll talk about it with you as well.”
For all her faults, at least she was thorough.
“How good are you at this? Can you suspend people?” I asked.
“Compared to people I think are good, I’m at best ‘okay.’ But yes, I know how to do suspension. I’d only do it with someone I’d practiced with before, though. I’m not doing that to you.”
“I never said I wanted you to,” I bristled.
“Right. I’m just saying,” Tori said, but her smile said it hadn’t entirely been a joke.
"What is this lecture actually going to be about?" I asked.
"It's exactly what it says on the tin. Skills for rope bottoming."
"Yes, I read that online, but what even are those?" I asked.
"That's what they're going to talk about in the demo."
"I want to strangle you," I informed her calmly. "You never answer anything I ask. It's always another question or a dodge."
"You're asking questions that are about to be answered, be patient. On the note of questions, you said you didn't have any injuries or trauma that would impact doing rope. Were you telling the truth or did you say that out of pride?"
"You're asking me about trauma and you don't even know my real name."
"I can start with your real name if you want," Tori asked. "Lich sort of fits you though.”
"Excuse me?"
"Pale blond hair, pale skin, gray eyes, petite and kind of bony, you check the boxes."
"Are you insulting me?"
"Do you feel insulted?"
I couldn't decide. I wanted to take offense to what she was saying, but her tone made it hard. There wasn't anything mean in it. If anything it was playful. She wasn’t wrong in her assessment, either.
"My name is Harper, by the way. And you're annoying," I said.
"I've been told that. Back to my original question though, any limitations? You don't have to tell me what happened, but I should know if we're doing this."
I should've told her that we weren’t doing anything, so it didn’t matter if I had limits. Instead, I said, "No physical limitations or trauma that would relate to this. And I didn’t lie before. I don’t do that.”
"Good, I don’t either.”
A tension hung between us. I was letting the implication that she was going to tie me run riot. Hell, I was letting her direct the whole conversation. I needed to correct the record but I just… it was almost nice to let her do it. To let her set the pace and only stop her if I needed to. It gave me less to worry about and more time to think about how I wanted to respond.
It meant I didn’t need to be completely sure of what I wanted for things to go on.
Tori tilted her head to the side slightly, scrutinizing me. I raised my eyebrows.
"What?" I asked.
“I’m just thinking.”
“About?”
“You and if you’re going to actually let me tie you up or not.”
“I guess you’ll find out.”
“I guess I will.”
What kind of interaction was that? Why was I still not saying no? It felt like, whenever I opened my mouth to speak, a different part of me jumped in to fill the air. I was afraid that she knew what she was doing more than me.
If nothing else, it seemed like she had a real plan.
A few stragglers trickled in and settled around the room, before Ace and another woman that looked around her age moved to the center of the room and called for everyone’s attention. They promised to keep it quick, then started to talk. Despite all my reservations, I paid attention. Nothing was worse than getting up in front of people and having them ignore you. I wasn't going to do that to them.
The lecture started out focused on body awareness and communication. Ace got out some rope and worked through some ties on her partner. She and her partner stopped now and again to comment on location, how things should feel, and signs that something might be wrong. It was all interesting, though it was a lot of information to take in without writing anything down. I almost wished I had brought a notebook.
Then, it shifted into how to surrender.
It had the hairs on the back of my neck standing up. Despite my best efforts, I zoned out. The language they were using, the way they were describing just giving in, it made me feel too cold and too hot all at once. I rubbed my face and focused on the sensation. It went on for what felt like an hour before finally wrapping up with an encouragement to come find them if anyone had questions.
Quiet conversation broke out. Rope started to wrap around bodies. Some people started to prepare for what I was pretty sure was going to be suspension.
Tori tapped my shoulder.
I jumped and put some distance between us. She looked at me with concern. It was hard to do anything to reassure her that she shouldn’t. The lecture left me feeling like I was under a spotlight. Was she expecting me to surrender, to submit if she tied me up? Was that what she wanted?
"Are you okay?" she asked.
"I'm fine,” I said quickly.
"We don't have to do anything," she said.
“I know I don’t.”
“Just a reminder. I can always find another partner or tie myself if you’re going to freak out. If you do let me tie you, then we’ll start slow. I don’t want to scare you off in case you want to come next time.”
“You think there's going to be a next time?”
Tori shrugged. “Probably not with me, but maybe with someone else. Or alone. Who knows, the world is your oyster, Harper.”
We looked into one another's eyes for a minute. It was uncomfortable. I wanted to look away, but I didn't want to be the first to break. At least, that’s what I wanted to tell myself. There was also something fascinating behind the grays of her eyes that kept me rooted in place.
This was it. I said that I wanted to understand BDSM and here was a good chance. I could experience some of it, in this place, with a woman that I didn’t have to see again and could block afterwards. All the reasons why I shouldn’t say yes seemed so distant and stupid now. I’d already come and gotten dressed for it. I listened to a whole lecture. One tie wasn’t going to kill me. Just to see. Just to understand.
"Starting slow," I said. Slowly, clenching my hand into a loose fist to hide the shaking of it, I held out my arm. “Can you do something with this?”
"Sure. I'm going to come closer and I'm going to start touching you now. If you start to freak out or if you need me to stop, tell me, just like Ace said."
"I was listening," I said. “And once we’re done here, I get my answers.”
“Of course.”
"Good."
Tori slid closer and touched my arm. I wondered what Stars, Queenie, and Pi would think of me now. Fuck, what would Buggy think of me? She would tell me I was insane for doing this too. Despite being the most reasonable out of all of us, she got squicked out at anything that was too on the kinky side.
"I’m going to tie a somerville bowline. It's a sort of single column tie," Tori told me. She wrapped the bight of the rope around my wrist twice and after a few other quick movements, she tightened and finished the knot. The rope was slightly scratchy against my skin. Tori slid two fingers under the rope. "How does that feel?" she asked.
"Like I have rope around my wrist."
She tugged my wrist up. My wrist moved. It wasn't a shock, I knew it would happen, but the reality of it sent a wave of something through me. I blinked. She pulled the rope again. My wrist went higher.
I swallowed.
"I'm going to do a different single column now," she said.
"Yeah. Sure," I said.
She untied me. Her movements were quick, but careful. She knew what she was doing. It was enthralling to watch. She had such nice hands. They were big and her fingers were long.
She wrapped the rope around me again. She told me the name of the single column, but I forgot. It felt more or less the same as the first one had.
"Let me put my wrist down?" I said. It came off as more of a question then I’d have liked.
"Sure."
She let go of the end of the rope. I lowered my wrist to my lap and rubbed over the rope with my other hand. Like Tori did, I slipped my fingers under it and tested the slack. I tried, gently, to tug it off, before accepting that it wasn't going to go anywhere.
"What do you do with it?" I asked. I didn't look up at Tori. "I mean, you tied my wrist, now what?"
"Usually, you tie the ends to something else. Pole. Bed. Hard point. More rope.”
Oh. That made sense. I wasn't sure what else I'd been expecting.
"We're going to do a double column now with both of your wrists. Give me them."
I lifted it. She untied the rope again. She didn't touch me nearly as much as I thought she would. It was only when she had to. She was being very careful with me. This wasn’t going how I thought it would. The longer I spent next to Tori, the stranger I felt.
"Why can't you write about things like this?" I asked, as she pulled the rope off me.
“I have.” She started to tie a new knot around both my wrists. I let her. The rope felt… kind of nice. Interesting. It was strange, to know that when she was done, I was going to be restrained.
"I went through your author page, everything you've written can at best, and only if I’m being extremely generous, be described as fraught,” I said.
"I have another account where I post softer things. I've even written fluff for my favorite fandom ships before."
"You have?"
"Yeah. Kinky fluff, but I think you'd read it and you wouldn't leave me comments about how I was a horrible person for writing it, so I think it passes the smell test. And… done.”
Tori finished her tie. I looked down, surprised it had been so quick. I tried to pull my wrists apart. The rope held fast. I tried to wiggle them out next. It didn’t work. The rope became all I could think about. I brought my wrists in front of my face so I could inspect what she’d done. The knot looked so simple, like it shouldn't have been able to hold me, but I wasn't sure I could get the rope off of me short of biting at the knot to undo it. I dropped my hands onto my lap.
I was officially tied up.
"How does that feel?" Tori asked.
"Like I'm tied up," I answered mechanically
"Give me some good communication, not sarcasm.”
I wanted to shut my eyes, but I was too nervous to do it with her sitting in front of me. I already felt so vulnerable. It was the sort of thing Tori would want to know, but how could I say something like that?
"It feels good. This is a bit scary," I said. "I really don't know you and now my wrists are tied together."
"Feeling vulnerable makes sense. I kind of expected it. Does the rope feel okay, though? Not too tight? Nothing is pinching?”
“The rope is fine.”
"Good."
I almost shivered. I’d never heard Tori sound so warm and affectionate. It was a brand new side of her. I liked it.
"Link me your softer stories sometime," I said.
"Sure. I can do that."
"Your other stories are still problematic. I want to talk about that now,” I said. It seemed like it would be a good topic to keep me grounded.
"Yeah, I've been told. But it's fantasy, isn't it? Haven't you ever seen an action movie?" she asked.
"It's not the same."
Tori withdrew a longer length of rope. “While we do this, how about you get on your knees and I’ll tie you so you have to stay like that? It’s simple to do but quick to undo if we need to. How does that sound?”
Being on my knees felt strongly symbolic. I looked around the room. Everyone else was working, I even saw someone start to lift themselves into the air with rope, but even with them preoccupied, there were still plenty of people around if I needed it.
All the ties so far had been interesting if nothing else. A bit more wouldn’t kill me. While I was tied up, I should get the full experience right?
Something about that thought didn’t seem to quite make sense, but I chose not to think about that right now.
“Sure.” I shifted onto my knees.
“Do you need me to untie your wrists? Are they still okay?”
"They’re fine. You don't need to. But why did you ask me if I needed to? Why not if I want to?”
“Because—okay. That’s a fair point. We’ve never worked with one another before. I’m getting ahead of myself. Do you want to be untied?"
I regretted pointing out that there was a difference. I’d corned myself. I didn’t want to phrase these things as wants. I liked the need language better. It carried less implications with it.
"Action movies can cause harm too," I said.
"Oh, no, not like that. You're going to answer me," Tori said. Slowly, she reached forward, the same way you would reach out to a scared cat. There was plenty of time for me to move.
I didn't.
She cupped my chin and tilted my chin up ever-so-slightly. When she smiled, I felt another wave of that disorienting hot-cold.
"Do you want this?"
My mouth was dry. I tugged at my wrists. Nothing happened. Nothing would. She had me and she wanted her answer now. The whole world came screeching to a halt. All that mattered was this moment.
I had to give a firm answer. I’d done enough stumbling around. Everything leading up to this had been stumbling around. Where was my backbone? My autonomy? I had told myself over and over again that I had the power to express it, but had been failing to do it so far. This was it. This was time. I’d make my choice. No more thinking about it. No second guessing. Just whatever came naturally. That would be what I wanted the most, right?
“Yeah, do it. Then tell me why you like to tie people up.”
She wound a length of rope around my thigh and ankle and started to work. “For rope specifically, I like the challenge of it, I like the self-expression, I like some of the culture, and I like how clear a demonstration of power it can be.” She wrapped it around my leg another two times before she started to tie the ends off. I was surprised. I thought it’d be more complicated. “I also like how sadistic you can get with it. There is a lot of variety to be found. The range is fun.” She pulled her hands away, grabbed another length of rope, and started to uncoil it. I looked at my leg. I wanted to ask about the tie, but if I started to think about it too much, I was going to lose my train of thought.
“What about power do you like? Just—why do you always come back to it?”
She started to tie my other thigh and hummed to herself in thought. It left me with nothing to do but think about the rope around my other leg. I tried to flex the side she tied. I got some movement, but it’d be impossible for me to properly open it up without untying myself. When the rope around my other leg tightened, I realized how wrong I had been to feel trapped before. Having my wrists tied was nothing compared to this.
“It feels safe to me. It’s a way to engage with someone where I can be much more certain that things I don’t want to happen, won’t. I also like how it makes people look at me. The respect feels good, especially when it can be hard to come by from more ‘normal’ people. And, like I’ve told you multiple times before now, it just feels right. Like… you’re queer, right? A lesbian?”
“Yeah?”
“You can think of asking me why I like BDSM like asking you why you like women. You can give some reasons, but at the end of the day, it boils down to ‘it feels right,’ doesn’t it?”
Tori tied off the tails of the rope and walked on her knees until she was in front of me. Even sitting back on her heels, she towered above me. The rope all over me made her feel even stronger. She could move and I couldn’t. She could push me and I would fall over. I’d let her make me helpless and I was seeing the evidence of how true that was as she lifted a hand to scratch the back of her head, then extended a leg to stretch it out.
I tested my bonds again. They held. I don’t know why I kept proving that to myself.
“Does that answer your question?”
I shook my head, not to say no, but to try and bring myself back into the moment. I was doing much too much drifting off considering the circumstances. I’d trusted Tori enough to let her tie me up, but that didn’t mean I should trust her enough to drift off while I was.
“I don’t think you can compare your thing for kink to my sexuality.”
“Why? If I’m being honest, D/s is my romance language and sadomasochism is my sexual orientation. Together, they make up my sexuality.” She tapped a finger to her chin. It was theatrical for the sake of it. “Though I guess I also have a thing for women. So throw that in there too.”
“The part where you like women is your sexuality,” I said.
“If I can’t have a satisfying relationship with someone or enjoy sexual interaction without the BDSM, then I think it’s obviously a large part of it. Surely you can expand your definition of sexuality to be more broad than just the gender of the person you’re attracted to.”
She was right. There was nothing I could say to dispute that. It was tempting to continue the argument for the sake of it, but Tori had started to smile and I got the sense she thought she’d scored the victory that she wanted to. I wasn’t going to take that away from her by being stubborn. If anything, it would only drive home that she was right.
“Okay. Yeah. Sure.” I shrugged. “I see what you're saying.”
“You do?”
“About sexuality.”
“Not BDSM?”
“Yes.”
“You asked me why I liked tying people up, so let me return the favor, why do you like being tied up?”
I don’t, I almost said, but I knew if I did that, she’d start to untie me. Which would’ve been the right thing to do. If she didn’t do it, I’d have called out to the rest of the room. But she would. And then I would be out of rope. And then…
Then what?
“You're trying to mind-read me,” I said, because she was waiting for something and I couldn’t just sit in silence. There was no pleading the 5th here.
“Oh, are you still unsure if you like it or not?” she asked. There was a faux curiosity to her tone and that slight smirk and glint in her eyes told me that it wasn’t an honest inquiry. I shouldn’t treat it like one. I shouldn’t play the game she wanted me to.
“Exactly.”
She grabbed yet another coil of rub. “How about I tie a chest harness on you, and then you can check how you feel about it.”
“What’s that going to trap? My arms?” I asked.
“No, but I can connect your arms to it if you want.”
“Isn’t that the point of bondage? Why tie yourself up if you can still move around?”
“Aesthetics. Some people like the pressure, too. There are as many reasons for why someone would want to just do that as there are for why they’d want to be immobile. But interesting that’s where your head goes.”
I looked away, feeling embarrassment warming my chest. I tried to look around the room, but there were even more people now bound up in the air by rope. Some of them had put themselves there and were moving around rope or shifting into different positions, but some people were tied in ways they would have never done themselves. They were truly stuck. One man had his eyes closed and looked calmer than I had ever felt in my life.
“If you’re going to put a harness on me, you may as well use it. Let’s try it.”
Tori shifted behind me. “Let’s.”
Moment later, there was rope wrapping around my chest.
My breathing picked up as she added more bands and adjusted the tension. This was… I didn’t have the words for it. There was a rush to this that I hadn’t felt in a very long time. It felt like standing at the edge of the highest diving board above an Olympic-sized pool, only it wasn’t my choice if I was going to go in or not. Someone would push me or pull me back. All I could do was wait for their choice.
Tori had me lift my arms and finished the rest of the harness. The whole thing was tied the same way she had tied everything else—with quick, efficient movements and very little touching of my body. I still felt like my skin was humming with energy from where her fingers had brushed. I was lost enough to the sensation and pressure that it was easy not to think too much about what that meant.
“All done,” Tori said, her breath brushing across the shell of my ear. I couldn’t help but shiver. “Ready for me to use it?”
“Yeah.” I was riding high on impulse and a sudden dump of adrenaline. What a useless chemical right now. I couldn’t run or fight and I was already bound, so it wasn’t like freezing up would make any difference. There was nothing left for me to do.
Well, apparently, I could dig the hole deeper.
Tori guided my hands over my head and back so my elbows were almost parallel to my ears. She slipped two fingers under the rope around my wrist to the test the tightness. I heard her made a noise of satisfaction, before she pulled my arms back a bit more and locked the rope attached to my wrists off.
The position put a bit of strain on me, but it wasn’t too uncomfortable. I remembered to run my thumb along the side of my fingers to test for numbness like Ace said. Everything felt good. Tori came back around to look at me.
She was suddenly twice as intimidating. Before, my chest wasn’t practically pushed out and while I couldn’t move my legs, I could move my arms to protect myself. Now I was wholly vulnerable. She could touch me wherever she wanted and there would nothing I could do about it.
My stomach did a wild little flip at that.
“How’s that?” Tori asked.
“It’s fine.”
“Just fine?” She ran her fingers over the rope. Her face was so close to mine. “This isn’t too tight?”
Her breath smelled like mint. It made me worry about mine. I’d eaten before this and I sure as hell hadn’t had a mint or chewed gum. Did it smell bad? I really hoped it didn’t. It suddenly felt very important that she liked me and that anything that could jeopardize that was minimized. I didn’t know where that was coming from. I wasn’t sure when I started to feel so small. It couldn’t have just been the rope. There was something about the way she moving, the way she was looking at me, that just—
“Fuck”
She caught my eyes. It felt like she was cutting me open so she could look at every part of me. It didn’t feel like there was anything I could hide.
“Is it too tight?” she repeated.
“No,” I whispered.
“What are you thinking about?”
“Rope.”
“What about it?”
“That I like it,” I breathed out.
For how big of a confession it seemed like it was, it came out so easily. In the back of my head, I knew that I shouldn’t have said it, but I couldn’t help myself. The words were out and I couldn’t take them back. Tori reached out and rubbed my cheek as if I was a cat. And I—I nuzzled it. I opened my mouth.
I wondered what her fingers would taste like.
“Why do you like it?”
I closed my eyes. I couldn’t put the words together for why. There was too much there. It had something to do with her, though. Just being restrained wouldn’t—right? It was her staring at me and how she moved and just—
Helplessness?
“Say whatever it is you're thinking.”
“Helplessness,” I repeated. It was just easier to do. Easier to listen than to think. If I trusted her enough to let her tie me up, why not trust her like this? What was the difference? Who fucking cared? I wanted to be reckless.
I opened my eyes. She patted my cheek lightly. “Yeah. That’s what I thought.”
The condescension hit me, but didn’t trigger the anger it should’ve. All it did was make me feel more helpless. After all, was she so wrong to be condescending? She’d been right all along. There wasn’t denial to hide behind anymore. I looked down and felt my blush creep all the way down to my chest. Was she going to say more? Was that it?
“I’ll let you sit in that and reflect on how right I was, and then I’ll let you go. Catch and release. I think you’ll be back, won’t you?”
At least this time, I managed to keep my mouth shut.
“I’m going to stroke your hair. Say no if you don’t want that.”
I didn’t. She started to. Her nails were blunt. They pressed pleasantly into my scalp. I hoped she didn’t think my hair was too thin. Despite all my best efforts, it looked and felt limp pathetic most of the time.
She didn’t comment on any of that as her nails made pass after pass through. We silently shared space, air, as we passed unnameable feelings back and forth. I remembered to check my fingers now and then. The position was starting to strain my body, I thought I was going to be sore later, but that was okay. There was nothing I could do about it otherwise.
Tori gave me a final pat on the head, then slid in behind me and started to untie the rope. She untied it so much more slowly than she tied it. As I lowered my hands back into my lap, I felt exhausted. The thought of having to go all the way home seemed so much harder than it had before. I hoped that feeling would go away by the time I left.
Tori kept working, until finally, I was simply on my knees and she was coiling up the rope beside me. Where the rope had been on my wrists, there were now marks. I traced my fingers over it. It was pretty. I wondered how long they would last. From what little I’d read, there was a decent amount of range.
“Do you kneel like this often?” Tori asked.
“No.”
“Then get off your knees and sit. The longer you sit like that, the more sore you’re going to be.”
I obeyed without thinking. The ache that Tori had warned about hit me as I stretched my legs out in front of me. It helped clear some of the fog in my head. I combed my fingers through my hair. Tori moved back in front of me and pushed a water bottle and a pack of peanut butter crackers into my hands.
“Drink and eat.”
She was still telling me what to do, but it wasn’t a bad suggestion. It could only help. I listened. The water quenched thirst that had gone unnoticed and the taste of food finally got my brain back into gear. Tori was watching me carefully, cataloging my reactions. I tried to school my features into a mask of neutrality, but it was hard through the weight of exhaustion.
It began to set in, what exactly we’d done. My body got tight with anxiety. I didn’t want to be in the same room as her anymore. As soon as I came back a little more, I’d leave. I just—needed some space. Needed to think. Needed to deal with everything that had just happened and how I’d responded and just—
“What are you thinking about?”
“What are you thinking about?” I shot back. It lacked the venom I wanted it to. I sounded more tired than anything else.
“That you’re about to freak out or you already are.”
“I’m going to leave soon,” I said.
“Okay. You can message or call me if you want to.”
“I don’t want to.”
“That’s fine. It might help for you to talk to a friend, too, but it’s up to you. Just know I’m willing to help.”
It was hard to square the person who was speaking to me like this with the one who wrote the things she did. I wasn’t even sure I’d gotten the answers I wanted to from her. My plans had been promptly torn up and thrown to the wind, but I wasn’t going to try and collect the scraps. I was done. Later me could deal with it.
“Okay.”
She smiled at me. It screamed ‘I know something you don’t.’ “Okay.”
Chapter Text
NeverStayMissing: Hey
NeverStayMissing: Come get dinner with me.
NeverStayMissing: I'll pay
NeverStayMissing: Dress code is casual.
NeverStayMissing: Here is the address. I'll be there at 5:00 PM.
NeverStayMissing: If it goes well, you can come over after
NeverStayMissing: Here is my apartment address so you can send it to anyone you want in advance. My last name is Weeld.
I checked the addresses she provided me. One led to an American restaurant and the other was an actual apartment. I was sure it was her real one. I couldn’t even believe she’d given it to me just like that. I practically had her full do at this point. I could destroy her. She trusted me too much.
If it was a week ago, I would’ve done it though. I barely would’ve thought about it. Which was… God, had I really been that wrong? I pulled up some of the comments I'd left on her fics and read them over. The sentiment of most of them remained true, but my arguments seemed weaker even to me. I wasn’t surprised that Tori hadn’t graced most of them with a response, especially given how harsh some of the insults were.
God, I’d been such a bitch to her.
She didn’t deserve that. The fiction was… it was bad, obviously, but I’d been relying on so many abstracts to prove that point. Of all the things that were causing issues in the culture, her fiction was low on the list. Without the omnipresent background of misogyny in the world, I bet her fiction would have garnered an entirely different reading from me.
That, and I had to admit that nowhere in the work did it suggest or imply that any of the relationships were healthy. They were presented without comment, mostly. Which was problematic, some of the stuff should’ve been flagged as bad clearer, but as much as I didn’t like it, readers did have to be trusted at a point. It wasn’t… you couldn’t hand hold them all the way. You just couldn’t.
I sighed. I’d run down this same train of thought before, but my conclusions now were almost the opposite. It was like the world was shifting under me. So much that I’d been so sure of now seemed paper thin. I had to do some major restructuring.
I skimmed my comments again, and decided that I was going to delete some. Not all of them, just the egregious one that didn't engage with the story and went after Tori's character. I hadn't known what I was talking about. I had been typing whatever I could to hurt her, but that wasn't — she didn't deserve that and it made me look immature.
It took me a half hour to go through them all, which left me to sit with the nasty feeling in my gut that I’d been sending some of the meanest shit I could say to a real life person for weeks. Seeing Tori in person had really brought home that she was a person, too. She was even a nice one, at that. Maybe not obviously, but it wasn’t always obvious who was a good person. I’d been right about abusive people hiding in plain sight.
After all, the mod team had been abusive, and I’d sat with them without noticing for a year.
Tori’s DM taunted me. I went back to it and stared. Clearly, she’d enjoyed tying me up enough that she was back for me. I couldn’t deny that I’d been interested in it too. But was that all this was? Was she searching for a rope bottom or was this a request for a date? I couldn’t decide. I needed a third perspective.
I searched my friends list. No one sprung out as someone I could talk to. Breaking things off with the mods had left me a pseudo persona non grata in a lot of spaces they occupied. I could’ve fought to stay, but then the drama would’ve never ended. I liked it more like this, even if it left me worse off.
On my second pass through my friends list, my eyes settled on Buggy. We hadn't talked in a while and she’d been my weakest relationship among the mods, but I’d still call us friends. Before I could ask her for her ear though, I owed her an apology. I was a big part of what had happened to her. I’d dog piled her like everyone else.
DracoLich: Hey
DracoLich: First
DracoLich: I know this is kind of out of of nowhere, but I'm sorry for what happened in Kingdom and the mod server
DracoLich: and for the things I said and did
DracoLich: You didn't do anything wrong and you were right all along
DracoLich: About basically, everything, honestly.
DracoLich: So I'm sorry for what I did.
DracoLich: I don't expect you to forgive me
I left it at that. Any motivation I had to ask her for advice evaporated after the apology was out. I didn't want to obligate her to talk to me. I didn't want to tell her that I ended up on the outs with the other mods, either. That felt like too much of a guilt trip.
BuggyLady: Hey!
BuggyLady: Apology accepted, by the way
BuggyLady: I wasn't happy with how things went or what you said
BuggyLady: But you stepped in to try to stop the rumors about me, and that honestly did help.
BuggyLady: And I know your heart was always in the right place, even though you were wrong.
BuggyLady: This is stupid internet bullshit, it’s not worth getting bent out of shape over.
BuggyLady: But on the note of drama, I heard through the grapevine that you got banned from Kingdom and removed as a mod?
BuggyLady: And that the author who writes all that rapefic is your best friend now?
BuggyLady: It's been weird, Lion and her gf told me not to listen to any of it, so I don't know what's true anymore
BuggyLady: What happened?
DracoLich: Do you really want to know?
DracoLich: it's long and stupid
BuggyLady: Go for it
DracoLich: Okay
DracoLich: long story short, I talked to NeverStayMissing like Lion wanted me to.
DracoLich: And we had a bunch of arguments and voice called once or twice
DracoLich: Because I was trying to convince her she was wrong.
DracoLich: She didn’t agree obviously.
DracoLich: I was at the point where I was going to write a call out post tbh.
I stopped and read over what I just sent. For the first time, it properly set in how fucking absurd it was. If the mods had been just a bit less hostile, I’d have gone through with the call out post and still been campaigning against Tori. Christ.
DracoLich: Before I did though, I asked the other mods for help.
DracoLich: And they basically told me I was stupid and implied they didn’t trust me anymore.
DracoLich: And that they thought that I was taking Never’s side.
DracoLich: But after that, Never sent me some screenshot of them shit talking me, for talking to her and basically saying we were friends.
DracoLich: When I confronted them about it, they all lied and said they had nothing to do with it. Then, when I showed them the logs, Queenie and Stars said it wasn’t shit talk because it was all true.
DracoLich: So after that I decided I was done with them and that I never want to be associated with them again.
DracoLich: So yeah.
DracoLich: That's what happened.
BuggyLady: Holy shit
BuggyLady: Okay, not what I expected, a lot more of what I'd been hearing was true than I thought
BuggyLady: Are you okay?
DracoLich: Yeah
DracoLich: I'm fine
DracoLich: I was stupid, the whole thing was dumb
DracoLich: Never didn't deserve it, honestly
DracoLich: like, she writes really weird stuff but—
DracoLich: Okay I'm going to tell you something, but you can't tell anyone else, ever, okay?
DracoLich: I'm deleting these DMs after
BuggyLady: ?????
BuggyLady: I mean, sure, but wtf is going on? Is this related to everything else?
This was my chance to go back. I had made my apology, she had accepted it, and I had set the record straight. I didn't have to go into more detail. Giving more put me at risk, even. Buggy could turn on me and have ammo. But then… would she? Really? She’d left rather than let the mods have a go at Lion. She stepped in when she saw things that she thought weren’t right.
She’d had more of a backbone than me.
What did I have to lose at this point, too? Everything I told to Buggy was true. Let her share it. If people wanted to hate me. They would. There was nothing I could do about it.
DracoLich: Okay
DracoLich: This is about to be a huge paragraph.
DracoLich: Ready?
BuggyLady: Out with it.
I started to type. Halfway through, I realized that I didn’t have the words to describe all the feelings I wanted to. The events weren’t all that complex, really. I started to talk to Tori, I went to a rope jam with her and she tied me up, and now she was asking me on a date. The problem was that laying it out missed all the context that made it such a mindfuck.
Would it be better to record it? I tried speaking out loud for a minute, but didn't find it any easier to convey my feelings like that. There were too many um and uhs. God, this message was just going to be haphazard and confusing, wasn’t it? That was going to be the best I could do.
I hoped Buggy stayed around for me to give her more context if she needed it.
I pressed send.
BuggyLady: Wow
BuggyLady: Holy shit
BuggyLady: Lich, you are
BuggyLady: That was the last thing I expected you to say
BuggyLady: Oh my GOd this is not what I expected.
BuggyLady: You’re not fucking with me, right? You don’t seem like you would but this is kind of insane.
DracoLich: I’m not fucking with you I promise.
BuggyLady: Damn
BuggyLady: Okay, so
BuggyLady: Can I ask what the question is here, then?
BuggyLady: Like, you talked about not being sure if she was safe and talked about her inviting you on a date.
BuggyLady: DO you want my take on what you should do about that or?
DracoLich: Yes
DracoLich: Please.
BuggyLady: Well, in terms of whether or not she’s safe, I'm actually in a server with someone that Never fucks around with irl
BuggyLady: They both talk about it and they've posted photos like, publicly-publicly, so I don't think it matters if I tell you
BuggyLady: But she’s never said anything bad about Never
BuggyLady: And everyone else that I know who knows Never usually just says she’s kind of edgy, but I haven’t heard anything much worse than that.
BuggyLady: Not that that means she’s perfect or there isn’t anything to worry about, just that I haven’t heard anything.
BuggyLady: As for whether you want to do this date
BuggyLady: Well, only you can answer that
BuggyLady: Do you want to go on a date with her?
DracoLich: That’s the problem
DracoLich: I have no idea
BuggyLady: From my pov you’ve been talking to this woman a bunch, you read a ton of her fiction, and then you let her tie you up
BuggyLady: Sounds like a crush to me
BuggyLady: For what it’s worth, I’d be your safe call if you want to go out with her
Her accusing me of having a crush on Tori hit so much less hard than her offer to be my safe call. I hadn’t done anything to deserve that kind of kindness. If I had a safe call, I’d feel so much more confident to go out. And that—
If I was thinking so much about going out with her, if it was this much of a debate, then maybe I did want to. Maybe I could try it. With Buggy backing me up, the worst thing that happened was I wasted a night. I could afford that. I was on vacation right now, anyway.
DracoLich: Okay
DracoLich: I'm going to say yes to her
DracoLich: I'm going to give you my number
DracoLich: Text me at 6 and if I don't answer in 30 minutes, call me.
DracoLich: If I don't answer that, call the police
DracoLich: And
DracoLich: I'm doxing myself a bit, but my name is Harper Lee
DracoLich: Here is my number and the name of the restaurant we're going to too
DracoLich: And
DracoLich: Thank you so much for offering
DracoLich: And doing this
DracoLich: It means a lot to me
BuggyLady: Of course
BuggyLady: Happy to help <3
I went back to Tori and my DMs. It occurred to me yet again, that I could block her and move on. My fate was in my hands. But as my fingers hovered over the keyboard, I knew what was going to happen, just like I’d known that I was going to end up in her ropes in that gym.
DracoLich: Okay
DracoLich: I'll meet you there.
_
I hoped standing outside of places I was supposed to walk into wouldn’t become a tradition of mine. People milled about around me, heading in and out other restaurants and businesses that lined the street I was on. All of them were too busy to pay me any mind. I was another face in the ground. They had much bigger problems.
And didn’t I, too? I’d done much harder things than meeting up with a girl for a date. Showing up to the rope jam had been scarier than this. I could handle dinner and conversation with Tori.
A freezing gust of wind sent my hair whipping around me and provided the final motivation I needed to get off the street and inside. I was a few minutes early. The host asked me for my name. I gave him Tori’s like she’d told me to. He smiled and started to lead me back.
I was happy to see that I hadn’t overdressed for the occasion. Like me, most people were in street clothes, which let my choice of skinny jeans and dark blue sweater blend right in. I went light on makeup, too. Just enough to make my eyes pop and my skin a little smoother.
Just in case this was the more romantic kind of date, I wanted to look pretty.
The host took me to a booth in the corner where Tori was already waiting. I slid in across from her. She looked me over and nodded.
“You look nice, Harper.”
“You too.” Tori had dressed in a black button up with some golden studs in. She didn’t have any makeup as far as I could tell. The way she had her hair cut made her very androgynous. I rather liked it.
“You know, I thought asking you to come here was what would’ve finally made you block me for good.”
“If I had plans to do that, I would’ve by now.”
“I guess I’ve managed to catch your interest.”
I started to object, but stopped. There was no point. If I didn't think she was interesting, I wouldn't be here. There wasn't an excuse or lie in the world that she would believe when my behavior told the story for me.
"Unfortunately," I said.
"You're so mean to me," Tori exaggeratedly pouted.
I was mean to her. Meaner than I'd been to almost anyone else. And yet here she was, all the same. I thought there must be something wrong with her. I wasn't a good choice to bring out on a date. If what Buggy said was true, she already had people to fuck around with.
"Why are we here?" I asked, dropping the pretense. "I don't get it. Why me? Why any of this?"
"The same reason you are. You caught my interest.”
"That can't be it. I— I was bad to you. I can admit that. A lot of what I said, what I called you, the things I was doing before this were… not all of it was wrong, but enough of it was that you shouldn’t talk to me. You could be on a date with someone who didn’t say half of what I did and is really into everything you are. Enthusiastically.”
“I’ll respond to all of that, but before I do, do you know what you want to eat? Our server is coming.”
She sounded so fucking casual. The first time she'd acted like this, I thought it was condescension, but I didn’t believe that anymore. She’d done it too consistently and almost every time she did, she lacked malice. I saw what it was like when she wanted to piss me off. This wasn’t it.``
"I don't care. I'm not hungry."
"Allergies to anything and anything you won't eat?"
"I'm not picky."
"Cool, I'll order for you and take it if you don’t eat it.”
Our server arrived at our table. Tori put in our orders. He walked away. She folded her hands and looked up towards the ceiling thoughtfully. I bounced my leg under the table and tried to look less invested in her response than I felt.
"For you being mean, yeah, you were. I'm never going to forget that, but I'm not that mad about some internet hate. I'll remind you, I could've blocked you at any point in time, too. Despite what I said, I don't think you'd have made alts if I did that. You'd have stopped. You’re also obviously capable of growing. You found out your friends were shit. realized what you were doing was bad, then stopped doing it and stopped talking to them rather than doubling down and rolling over like a dog. That takes more strength than most people have.
“As for being able to find someone better, maybe I could. You probably could, too. But that perfect person isn’t in front of me and I don’t want to waste my whole life searching when there is an attractive, interesting woman I have chemistry with sitting right in front of me, who I think I can make something work with.”
"What do you mean by chemistry?” I needed to know more about why she was drawn to me.
"Hmm, I invited you out twice and I’ve done lots of explaining on both occasions now, how about you do some talking? Do you think we have chemistry? Other than my amazing fiction, why are you here?”
I took a drink of my water to buy myself time. Tori waited patiently, but it still felt like the pressure to say something increased with every passing second. She had a presence about her that I couldn't explain. Her body language didn't seem like anything out of the ordinary, but the way she moved and spoke screamed control.
Oh.
Was that part of what drew me to her?
I could feel my face getting hot. I swore I saw excitement flicker behind Tori's hazel's eyes. The feeling of being on display doubled. I remembered what she'd said to me about knowing what I wanted. About how I was in denial. It was hitting uncomfortably close to home lately.
"The same reasons you like me. I think you're attractive, you interest me, and you talked to me when most other people wouldn't have," I said.
"That's a cop out."
"What?"
She leaned forward. I felt like she was in my face, even though there was almost a foot of space between us. "You're copying what I said. You can't do that. Not that I think what you're saying is wrong, but that doesn't give me any insight into you. Why did you keep talking to someone who you thought was abusive?" She tilted her head ever so slightly to the side. Her eyes narrowed a bit. “Why did you let me tie you up?"
"I—"
"First thing you think of."
"Tori—"
"Just go."
"You have charisma," I said quickly. " I don't know. You have charisma. You piss me off but you're — I don't know. Charming. Something. Call it charisma. It drew me in. There."
She sat back, looking triumphant. It made me feel like I handed her a key to my house. It scared me, how easily she could get what she wanted out of me. Had I always been like this? Did I give more easily than I thought or was it only her that brought out this side of me?
Our appetizer—pimento cheese on top of bread—arrived. I grabbed a piece of it and started to slowly eat, happy to have something to do with my hands. The air between Tori and I was charged. I could tell she wasn’t done with me. Even though I felt nearly queasy, I didn’t think I wanted her to be. Talking to her like this was exhilarating.
"Your turn. Explain the chemistry,” I said, halfway through my second piece of bread. It was surprisingly good. I wondered how expensive this place was.
"I like your personality. You fight with me. You have arguments for what you think. Even if I think you're wrong, it's obvious you've thought a lot about it before. You also proved with your friends that you do have a backbone and you’ll stand up for what you think is right. I like that," Tori said.
"That's not chemistry."
"It's not?"
“No, chemistry is that spark that makes you come back. So why do you keep coming back? Cause I know I’m not the only person who’d disagree with you who’s thought things through.” I leaned forward. Just a bit. It felt transgressive to come closer to her like this. “You made me give you a different answer, well now you have to.”
“I like the way you respond to me. You make me feel like we're playing a game where we both decide I'm going to win. You protest and drag your feet, but you somehow always end up where I want you and doing what I want. It’s very compelling.”
I'd thought I was waiting in line for the coaster, but it turned out we were right at the top of the hill, about to drop. Anxiety, fear, and exhilaration mixed, inside of me forming a cocktail of emotion that made me want to squirm. I was overwhelmed, but through that, one simple fact remained.
I liked the feeling.
Fuck, I fucking liked it.
It wasn't as surprising a revelation as it should've been, which frustrated me even more. This should be something I freaked out when thinking. It should’ve taken some squinting to see how that explained things. It didn’t. It was the perfect frame and made too much sense. It was undeniable that chasing that feeling, that sense of being seen, of fighting only to lose every time, that had driven me forward again and again.
"Are you okay?" Tori asked. "You look like you’re about to bolt.”
"I'm fine. I— thinking about what you said to me," I replied.
"Too much?" she asked. "If it is, tell me. Because if that's too much, this isn't going to work."
"What is this? What are we doing?" I asked
"Having a date."
"Why? What's the end goal?"
"Well, I told you I wanted to bring you back to my place and gave you my address, so if this goes well, I’d like to hang out there and maybe plan a scene with you. If that goes well, more dates, and then maybe a formal relationship comes out of it.”
I cleared my throat. I wasn’t sure what I'd been expecting. Tori had never been shy about telling me what she thought or what she wanted, while I was acting like a high schooler on their first date. I needed to regain my composure and control.
"Right. That makes sense."
"So, what do you think about it? I thought it was obvious that was what I wanted, but maybe it wasn’t as clear as I thought. If you don’t want that too, then maybe we need to slow roll more. Or we can just be friends. I’m not going to fight to be with someone who isn’t even sure if they want to be with me, too.
Tori was giving me as many ways out as she could. She was putting how we moved forward into my hands. I sort of hated it. I wished she could've declared I was coming home with her and left it at that.
"I'll give you an answer before I leave tonight," I said. "I need some time to think it over."
"Sure. That's fine. Whatever you need. While you figure that out, how about we get some more conventional questions out of the way. What's a movie you loathe to love?”
"Huh?"
"I can ask you about where you grew up or your hobbies instead, but I always thought this one was a fun ice breaker.”
I laughed. The ice had long since broken. She somehow managed to keep surprising me. I wondered if that would ever change.
"Cat Woman," I said.
"Oh, of course it's Catwoman."
We bickered back and forth for a few minutes, before our food came. We ate, still trading barbs about movies, before I moved on to asking Tori questions about herself. Right at six, my phone buzzed from Buggy texting me. I didn't hesitate in texting her back that I was fine. I was enjoying the date.
I barely thought of what she'd take away from that.
The conversation went on. I learned a smattering of random facts — her favorite color, pink, her favorite season Autumn, and in a particularly bizarre question, that she'd want to be a mantis if she had to be a giant insect — among more personal details like where she grew up.
The more we talked, the more I liked her. She was a bit odd, but there was nothing in how she talked or acted that threw out the red flags I was hunting for. If anything, she was charming. She made me feel comfortable. The picture I’d had of her in my head, the one I’d clung to a bit even after letting her tie me up, had nothing left to hold it up.
I’d admitted I shouldn’t have gone so hard with some of my comments, but I’d never properly apologized for the things I’d said. They were still sitting between us. I didn’t feel like she should be this friendly with me until she got them. Clearly, she didn’t think the same. Was it worth offering one then? Should I let it go? If I apologized, would it be more for my sake or hers?
"You've gotten quiet. What are you thinking about?" Tori asked.
"Stuff."
"I'd like it if you told me more than that."
"I don't know if I'm ready to tell you more," I replied.
"Tell me whenever you are then," Tori said. "We have time. I'm not in a rush."
The casual answer gave me what I needed to go forward. Maybe she didn’t need to hear it, but I needed to say it. If that made me selfish, then I could let her tell me that.
"I'm sorry. For some of the ways I attacked you before and some of the comments I left on you work. I could’ve done it better and I should’ve.”
“Oh. Okay. That’s fine. Just be better.”
I studied her. She looked unperturbed. This wasn’t the forgiveness or even the rejection I expected. She raised her eyebrows.
“So we’re clear, I’m not angry at you. I’m not going to forget what you did to me, but I’m not going to carry a grudge either. Apologies don’t mean much to me. The only thing I care about is that you behave differently in the future. That’s the bit that matters.” She tapped her fingers on the table. “I’m guessing you might be an apology person, though, so to clear the air, I’m sorry for some of the ways I taunted you, too. I was shit stirring and in some ways, I made things worse. There was a better way to go about that as well.”
What the fuck? She was apologizing to me now?
“I’ll do better,” I said, because what else was I going to do? I wanted to. I’d been trying to. That she expected it from me and was looking for it made the urge even stronger. If that was the language that she spoke apologies in, then I could work with it.
"I can," I said. I thought about adding 'try,' but it didn't seem like trying was optional here. I either was going to do it or I wasn't. If I wasn't, if I failed, then Tori was going to move on.
"Good. Then we'll see what we can make happen. Does that mean you want to do this again and see where it goes?" Tori asked. "Nothing more tonight, I think. But I had a really nice time. Let’s talk about a scene or another date later, and like I said, that goes well, we’ll look for more. Sound good?”
And here it was. My last chance to back out. The opportunity to make the 'correct' choice, move on, and maybe even abandon the idea of touching BDSM altogether. God only knew what I was getting myself into. If nothing else, I could find a person I didn’t have so much baggage with.
"Yeah. We can try again. I want to keep seeing you," I said instead.
Tori smiled.
More than anything she could’ve said, that damn smile sealed my fate.
Chapter Text
"I'm nervous."
“Well you should be,” Tori said, smiling at me. She said it like a joke, but it didn’t much feel like one. I fidgeted. “I’m just kidding. We’re not going straight into things. Come inside. Have coffee. I have decaf.”
“I’ll take real coffee, if you have it.”
“You have caffeine at 7:30 at night?” Tori asked.
“Why not?” I asked. I’d planned things so I had nothing to do tomorrow, so it hardly mattered how late I stayed up.
“Because it’s going to keep you up—okay, pause. We’re not having this conversation while you’re outside. Get in here.”
She turned and strode inside. I watched her for a moment. My heart was beating much too fast. We’d talked about what was going to happen tonight and gone over the scene. We were probably going to go over it again before we started. I didn’t have a lot of experience, but I was pretty sure I’d done more talking about this sexual encounter than most people had done for all of theirs combined.
There was doing and then just talking about it, though. In the abstract, I’d managed it. In reality, I was starting to worry I was going to break down. But if I turned back now, I was never going to know what it was like to… to do that. I’d live curious.
And I wanted to find out. Just to see. Maybe there was something to it. I was clearly somewhat interested. It could turn out that I did it and I hated it and that my engagement with BDSM would be limited to reading, but at least I’d know that then. There would be no more guessing games.
“In or out. You’re letting all my heat escape!” Tori shouted.
I stepped in. When I shut the door behind me, I felt like I was locking myself into a cell.
I mechanically took off my shoes, coat, and scarf, then wandered deeper into Tori’s apartment. It was small and spartan. The only decoration on the wall was a piece of abstract art with a dazzling mix of colors all blending together. A second hand couch sitting in front of a second hand TV were the centerpieces. There was nothing, but a lamp on the end table. It made my apartment feel messy in comparison.
A coffee grinder shattered the silence. Through a little window with a counter in front of it, I saw Tori moving about in a small kitchen. I rounded the wall into a tidy kitchen. She was grinding actual coffee beans. It was more work than I put in to make mine. I stood awkwardly, not sure if I should ask for help or wait.
“I’ve got it. Sit down there,” she said, pointing at the two person table. “I’ll be done in a moment.”
I obeyed and busied myself looking around her place. Being with her here was so different from dinner or the coffee shop we’d gone to. This was her space. Her territory. I felt like a mouse that had raced into a snake’s den.
“Do you like sugar and milk in your coffee?” she called out.
“As sweet as you can make it.”
“Figures.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It’s just fitting. You want to drink coffee, but you want all the bitterness drowned out.”
That comment made me feel like she’d scored a point that I had no way of responding to, so I took out my phone and scrolled mindlessly through my client and social media while I waited. A few minutes later, she was setting a mug of coffee in front of me and taking the seat across from me. She smiled. It didn’t relieve the tension.
“You look like you’re going to blow a fucking gasket.”
“I’m nervous.” I took a sip of coffee. It was too hot. I burned my tongue.
“It’s fine to be nervous, but to remind you, we don’t have to do this and you can leave if you want to. No pressure.”
“That’s not how pressure works. I already came all the way here and you made me coffee and if I don’t go through with this I’m going to feel so stupid.”
“You’re going to feel more stupid if you do it and have a terrible time because you weren’t ready.”
I took another too hot drink of coffee instead of responding. She leaned back in her chair and watched me. It didn’t make me feel any less like prey.
“What are you so nervous about?”
“That I’m going to hate this and I don’t want it and we’re starting with something that’s way too strong.”
“You think? We can lower the intensity if you want to.”
I was afraid that, if we did that, then I wouldn’t feel like I got the whole experience. I had carefully negotiated something that felt like it was just on the edge of my limits. Tori had told me again and again that it probably wasn’t the best place to start, but I just— I wanted to do it. To find out and fucking know. I didn’t want to sit there and wonder if the reason I didn’t like it was because I didn’t go far enough.
“I don’t want to. Are you backing out of this?” I asked.
“I honestly should, but no. You always make me feel a bit reckless.”
“You think this is reckless?”
She shrugged, her palms up. I stared at her fingers. I didn’t think I’d ever get over how nice her hands were. They weren’t the sort that you could’ve modeled with. They were too calloused and strong, but despite that, they still felt smooth and soft when they touched me. Hands like that seemed impossible, but Tori made it seem natural.
“I’m about to dip my toe into emotional sadism with a woman who has never done it before and wants me to be ‘pretty mean.’ So yeah, a bit reckless. I still think impact would be better as a start, but I’m fine with this too.”
“The marks—” I protested.
“Would be covered by your clothes.” She tilted her head to the side. “You know, you can just say that the emotional sadism is more interesting than to you than impact or anything else. It was one of the things that you picked out in your comments.”
“You’re going to tie me up too,” I said. We’d already had the negotiation conversation. It had been humiliating and if I repeated it here, I might lose my nerve.
“Yeah. That too. One day, we can do some predicament bondage. I think you’d like that.”
One day. Implying that it was a forgone conclusion that I would like this scene and be back for more. For once, I was glad she was cocky. I needed to borrow some of her confidence.
“Maybe.”
“Do you want to talk about the scene? Go over it again?”
“No. I—I’m committed. I want to do it.” I thought I did at least. That was the best I was going to get. “I’ve thought about it enough. I don’t need to do it any more. Let’s go for it.”
“You’re sure?”
“Yes.”
“Okay. You can safeword if you need to.”
“I know.”
“I’m going to remind you of that over and over until we start. For my sake if nothing else.”
“Cool.”
We drank our coffee in silence.
It wasn’t as uncomfortable as I thought it would be. All the talking made what was going to happen a forgone conclusion. It was nice not to have to guess at her intentions or where the night was going to go. Time would pass, she would decide when we were ready, and then what we both agreed to would happen. I didn’t need to try and adjust or try to think of a way to get her to do what I wanted to on the fly. I could just… be.
Tori collected our mugs and washed them once we finished. When she came back she didn’t sit down. I stood up. I knew it was time without her having to say it.
“Where are we doing this?” I asked.
She pointed to her living room and the armchair there. “Right here. I don’t have a dungeon or anything.”
“Oh.”
“The city is expensive, you know. Lots of people die in it, but they don’t pay you as much to clean it up as you’d think.”
“Yeah. I get it.” I smoothed out my clothes. “So what do I…?”
“When you say ‘ready,’ we start. When you say that, you’re going to strip down to your underwear, I’m going to get a pillow and my rope, and then we’ll get into the rest of it. Is that clear?”
Her voice had turned sharp and clear. Objectively, she hadn’t raised it, but it almost felt like she had. I straightened up and nodded. I was happy I had tied my hair back.
“From here on forward, I’m only accepting verbal answers. Say ‘yes’ or ‘no.”'
“Yes. I understand.”
“Then get ready.”
She left the kitchen and went into her room. I hesitated for a moment, realized it wasn't going to take her long to get her rope, and started to strip. I folded my jeans and shirt and set them on the table. The heater hummed quietly in the background. The smell of coffee still filled the air. It was surreal to be standing here like this. I went through all the moments that had led up to it and it made sense, but it still felt like somewhere, there had been an extreme jump. I couldn’t quite figure out where.
Tori came back. She had a few coils of rope in her hands and a pink cushion tucked under her arm. She nodded in approval when she saw me, then went over to the armchair to drop the cushion on the floor and set her rope on the chair. She crooked a finger to beckon me forward. I went, my body feeling shaky and tight. She set her hands on my shoulder and turned me around so I was facing the door. I could feel her strength. I bit my lip.
“You’re not as shy as I thought you were,” she said. She pushed me down to my knees. I dropped hard, glad the cushion was there to soften it. I inhaled. My breath was already near ragged. “I thought I was going to have to tell you twice to strip.”
“I agreed to,” I replied.
She took my arms and pushed them behind me, so they were stacked on top of one another and I was grabbing my wrists. She pressed her knee onto them to keep them there before she started to wrap the rope around them.
“You easily agree to things. I didn’t exactly have to do a lot of convincing.”
“That—I don’t agree,” I said. Was I supposed to say that? I wasn’t sure. This wasn’t starting how I thought it might. She had a decent amount of range within the bounds of what we negotiated, but her going this route wasn’t even something I had considered.
She started to wrap the rope around my chest. It felt different on my bare skin than it had over my clothes. The rope was rougher. It was definitely going to leave a mark.
“I tell you to come to a rope jam with me and you do. I tell you to get dinner with me and you do. I tell you to come scene with me and you do.” She listed. She made another wrap around my arms, then did something in the back to lock it off before continuing. “Even before that, I told you to voice chat with me and you did. I messaged you and you responded. You seem to like to follow.”
I had no idea how to respond. It was—that wasn’t—that framing was wrong. I was certain of it, but it was hard to pick out what when the feeling of the rope wrapping around me was taking up so much space in my head.
“I wanted to do that all,” I said.
Tori locked off the rope again, then continued, making a vertical connection with the rope on my upper and lower arms, before doing the same on the other side. I thought it was unnecessary. I already couldn’t move.
“And why’s that? To make me happy? What was your motivation?” she said. She started to do something with the rest of the rope. I wasn’t sure what.
“Just…because,” I said. The way the rope was cutting into me made it a bit harder to breathe than usual.
“‘Because’ is the best answer you have? That’s a bit pathetic. I know you can be more articulate than that, can’t you?” I winced. I didn’t think I was pathetic. She reached around me and started to tie my ankles to my thighs. I could feel her looming behind me as she worked. The angle couldn’t have been good. It had us so close. How could she even work like this? It didn't seem like she should be able to see what she was doing, but it didn’t seem like a problem for her. “Well?”
I swallowed. “I’m not pathetic.”
“You are if you can’t even tell me why you’re not.” She swapped to the other leg. Her lips touched my ear. “So are you going to?”
“I—“
“Before you waste your breath, think of an actual answer.”
The interruption derailed the train of thought I had going. I wasn’t without any arguments, but I felt too embarrassed to try and use them. There were too many holes. Tori could tear them apart and humiliate me further. I needed a real answer first.
Tori finished the other leg. I heard her sit. “Turn around.”
I wiggled. I was trussed up tight. “How?”
“First, you can’t answer a pretty simple question, now, you’ve forgotten how to move? You know how to turn. Stop wasting my fucking time and do it.”
Hearing her curse sent a shot of adrenaline through me. I was fucking this up already. Fuck. I needed to—I could just—I shifted my weight to one knee, then slowly started to turn. It made me feel like a penguin creeping across ice. I was constantly afraid I was going to topple over. By the time I faced Tori, I was panting and tired from the effort. It felt like I’d just finished a difficult set at the gym, even though I’d barely done anything other than turn and try to remain on the pillow.
I sneaked a look up at her, then instantly swapped back to the floor when I caught her eyes. There was something unimpressed there. Hard. Mean. I should’ve turned faster. I needed to be better at this, because the way she was looking at me now made me positive I was fucking it up. She hadn’t looked like this at all at the rope jam.
"What are you thinking about?" Tori asked.
I jumped and risked a look up again. She looked like she was a second away from destroying me if I said the wrong thing. I felt like I was sinking deep into the ocean with pressure building all up around me.
"Stop thinking so hard and start talking. You're supposed to be good at that, aren't you? Or is it really only behind a keyboard?"
The words cut deeper than I expected. I took a shuddering breath. I needed to talk. I could — she was wrong about me. I could show it.
"I—"
"You're taking fucking forever and wasting my time," Tori said. "10 seconds to start talking. Let's go. 10…9…"
"You! This! Fuck just — what we negotiated!" I said. I wasn't supposed to be stuttering, but I couldn’t manage to stop. "The— everything that's happening. The rope and you and the way you're looking at me and—"
"How am I looking at you?" Tori asked. She leaned forward in her chair. Her eyes grew sharper still. "Tell me."
"Like you want to hurt me," I breathed out. My higher thinking was shutting down. It was like I was being hunted. Even though I was bound in place, I could feel Tori reaching for something, chasing some feeling in me until she pinned it down.
"I do. That's why we're here, aren't we?" She sat back. "You came here for me to hurt you. Bit fucked up for someone like you. You swear up and down that you're not like this, that you weren't like me, but that was all bullshit, wasn’t it? Look at you now. Like I said before, pathetic.”
Thoughts were turning into static as fast as I could have them. I was happy that I was looking at the floor. It was the only thing that was grounding me.
Tori grabbed my face and forced it up. Her eyes found mine again. I saw the sadism in them. It shut more things down.
“Look at me in the eyes and tell me you’re not pathetic,” she ordered.
The hazel of her eyes was molten. I was being burned just by looking at them. My lips moved. No words came out.
“The reason you can’t do it is because it’s true. So say it. Say you’re pathetic.”
I didn’t know if she believed what she was saying anymore. It didn’t feel like a pretense. She had plenty of reasons to think I was pathetic and I was giving her more with every passing second. How could I disagree, when it was obvious?
“I’m pathetic,” I whispered.
She shook my head a little. “Don’t fucking mumble. Say it.”
I grabbed my arms so tight it hurt. “I’m pathetic!” I shouted.
“Finally.” She dropped my chin like it was trash she was throwing away. I lowered my gaze. I’d never felt this small. Not even when all the other mods were dogpiling me. Was I supposed to be enjoying this? Was I enjoying it? If I wasn’t, I could safeword. Should I do that? Did I want this to keep happening?
"What are you thinking?" Tori asked.
"You're terrifying,” I said.
"That's what you're thinking? That you're scared? Nothing else is going up there?" she asked.
"I don’t know.”
“Spread your legs," she said.
I did without any hesitation. I couldn’t handle the thought of her scolding me again. It made me feel debauched. I was so glad that I was still wearing my underwear. I was certain I’d have panicked.
“So you can follow instructions. Good girl.”
The praise was a fucking drug. I drank it in, desperate for more. I had disappointed her so much so far, but if I listened well, I could make her happy.
Tori stuck her boot between my legs. I jumped. The cotton of my panties pressed against my cunt. I realized I was soaked. Arousal I hadn’t even realized was there flared up, white hot and consuming. Tori tilted my chin up to look at her. Her smile was all teeth.
"Since you've managed to do something right, I'll give you a reward, because clearly we need to start with little successes for you before I can expect more. Hump my boot and keep your eyes on me while you do. It's all you're getting. Maybe next time, if you impress me, I’ll let you grind against my leg.
The shame burned through every part of me, knocking the air out of me, making me feel like I'd fallen ten feet and smashed against the ground. Tori didn't move her boot. I was frozen. I couldn't—
"I said hump."
I rocked my hips. The angle was terrible and my panties were in the way, but Tori wanted it and who was I to complain? Right now, she had more control over my body than I did. That thought connected with something inside me and drove the arousal on higher. I wished I could've grabbed her ankle so I could've fucked her boot easier. I thought she’d like that more.
"There we are. This is a good look for you. I like it.”
Every word made the heat inside me coil tighter. I wanted so badly to hang my head. Looking at her made the humiliation so much worse. I was debased, an animal, something for her to amuse herself with.
"Have you ever fantasized about something like this?" Tori asked.
I shook my head. Tori looked like she was about to lay into me. Words. Needed words. "No— no I, no Tori," I said.
“I’ve seen your bookmarks and you’ve read almost everything I’ve written? Is that the truth? Are you lying to me?”
"No I — it's — Tori!" I cried out. It was impossible to keep my hips moving, look at her, and answer her questions at the same time. I thought she had pushed me as far as I could go when she made me spread my legs, but we were hurtling past that and I no longer knew where we were going to end up.
"You can’t even have a conversation with me. It’s just like tying you up. As soon as you get what you want, you shut down.”
I nodded. It felt like the right thing to do. Whatever she said to me right now, I’d believe. She stared into my soul, then smiled. I hoped it meant she’d found what she was looking for.
“You can close your eyes. I’ve seen what I need to.”
"Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you," I chanted. I let my eyes flutter shut and allowed myself to focus on the boot pressing against my cunt. I adjusted my angle and let my head come forward so it rested on her knees. The new position strained my core, but it let me grind better. I started to chase those sparks of pleasure down, to wherever they went, realizing with every second that passed, that I had never been so turned on.
"I always knew you were like this. From the first comment you left, I knew what you were. You're the exact sort of person I wrote for. The exact sort of person who needs someone to be mean so they feel alive. You're fucked up."
A terrible, humiliating noise, something between a scream, a moan, and a sob, wracked my body. Still, my hips moved. I was chasing an orgasm that I wasn’t sure I could achieve, but I ached for it. I craved it. I thought it might make Tori happy, to see me brought that low.
"You still haven't come yet, have you?" Tori asked.
"No, I don’t—I don’t know if I can.”
“Why not? Are you telling me my boot isn't good enough?"
I sobbed. "I'm sorry," I said. I couldn't think of anything else to say.
"You have five minutes. Make it happen or we're done."
I worked my hips faster and searched desperately for a better angle. Tori confirmed she wanted this too. She expected it. I wanted her to be pleased with me. I wanted to prove I was worth the time.
A stream of half muttered curses and moans poured out of me. It was humiliating, to know Tori was listening, but my orgasm was building. I could get there. I was wrong to think it was impossible. I just needed—
Tori grabbed my hair and pulled hard, forcing my head back. She pulled her boot away, leaving me soaked and aching, the world spinning out around me as Tori held me still.
"That’s five minutes. Open your eyes," she ordered.
I tried. It didn't work. I was too scared. Too low. It was too much. If I opened them, then I would be destroyed.
"Harper. Open them."
"Tori please," I begged.
"Open. Your. Eyes."
I did. Her gaze drilled into me. The blurriness caused by my tears didn't make it any easier to bear.
"You failed me," she said.
I couldn't speak. The moment went on forever. I felt like I was less than nothing. A mote of dust. I could only give and pray Tori wanted it, because pleasing her, making her happy, that’s what mattered most of all.
"But you're so pretty when you're on your knees and crying. Maybe I can forgive you for that." She slid her boot forward again, pressing it between my legs. "So long as you did your best. Did you do your best?
I nodded viciously. "Yes, God yes."
She smiled. It was almost sweet. I was getting whiplash. How could she flay me alive, then smile at me like I was worth the world?
"Then give me another five minutes. Show me that you tried, and maybe I'll give you a treat. You can close your eyes again." She released my hair.
I let my head hang and started to hump. I was covered in sweat, I felt like I had run a marathon, but the threat of failure rekindled my determination. I was going to do this. I could. Fingers combed through my hair, scratching my scalp, petting me like a dog.
I was shaking. The orgasm was right there, but I couldn’t reach it. I wasn’t going to be able to. I was going to fail. I pressed my head into her thighs and wept.
“I can’t. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, but I can’t. Please, I—I just—“
“Shhh,” Tori said. She cupped my face. “Shh. If that was your best, then how can I expect more? I’m pleased you gave it to me. I’m pleased you tried. I’m happy.”
The sudden pivot was a mindfuck like nothing else had been so far. I went limp, like a puppet with its strings cut. I didn’t know what to say or do. I didn’t know how to parse or understand her pleasure with me. I didn’t want to believe it, it seemed wrong, but she was saying it and I wanted to believe anything she said.
"Oh,” I said. It was the most intelligent thing I could muster. The truest representation of how I felt.
“I’m going to untie you now. You were good for me. I’m happy. Good girl.”
Tori moved behind me, her body pressing close. The ropes began to loosen. She began to whisper more honeyed praise in my ears. I hadn't realized it until it started to loosen, but the rope had been holding me together. It'd been my anchor. With it gone, I'd never been more adrift. I was so glad that Tori was touching me.
Tori took her time untying me, running her fingers over my skin and rubbing where the rope touched, even kissing my cheeks now and again. When all of it was off of me, she had us turn around and me lean against her, my back to her chest. She hugged me. I let my head roll onto her shoulder.
"Drink some water," Tori said. A straw touched my lips. I sucked. The water was cold. I drank more, not realizing how thirsty I'd been. She pulled the water away. I sighed. Her arm released me for a moment, before both of them were back around me. I smelled oranges. A second later, a piece touched my lips. "Eat," she encouraged.
I accepted it. The flavor was sharp. It helped clear my head. She fed me the entire thing. I kissed the juice from her fingers. When I finished, she just held me close, letting us sit in a comfortable silence.
Slowly, my mind was coming back to me. This was our aftercare. This was all the things I'd told her I wanted. I tried to string more thoughts together. There were things she said she needed to, weren't there?
"Tori?" I asked.
"Yes?"
"Are you okay?"
"Yes. I feel good. How do you feel?"
"Good? My head is all fucked up," I said. I giggled. I wasn't sure where that had come from. I didn’t know how I felt or where the Tori from before had gone. How could she contain so much cruelty and kindness all at once?
"That's okay. I want you to be like that."
That was nice to hear. I wanted to hear more things like it.
"Was I good?" I asked.
"You were very good."
"Oh. That’s nice. You were really good too. I sighed. “You’re really fucking scary, too. Did you know that?”
Tori laughed. It was such a nice laugh. I stretched my feet and squeezed my hands into fists. I felt like I was waking up after a particularly deep nap. I shook my head a little.
"Can I turn around?" I asked.
"Sure," Tori said.
She let me go. I rotated. She crossed her legs. I shook my head, trying to clear more of the cobwebs, then decided that it was a pointless battle. I had thought I wanted to talk, but really, I wanted to cuddle more.
"Can we go to your bed? Just to cuddle? I want to get dressed too."
"Yeah. We can do that. Go ahead."
Tori helped me stand. I felt how wet I was. I eyed my sweat pants and t-shirt on the floor. I didn't want to keep wearing my panties. I'd ruined them. There was another small lick of desire knowing that, but I felt out of it enough that it faded quickly. I didn't want to touch myself right now. I didn't want to do anything other than cuddle Tori.
And maybe clean up. Just a little.
"Bathroom first. For me," I said. It was hard to string together words the way I wanted to. I couldn't wait to lay down and be silent again.
"Yeah. Let’s go.”
She led me to it. I slipped inside and got changed, marveling at how wet I’d actually gotten. The woman looking back at the mirror was haggard, too. I combed my fingers through my hair to try and clean it up. It was pointless.
I left and went into Tori’s room. She was sitting on her bed. I looked around and admired how very her it was. She had a fancy computred setup and an intense black and white theme. There was a painting of a mountain range and laying in the middle of the bed, sound asleep, was a massive cat.
“Oh. You have a cat.”
“Oh yeah.” Tori twisted around and scratched the cat. It woke up and started to purr. “She loves attention. If you come over here, she’s probably going to sit on our laps. Come lay down and cuddle.”
As soon as I got onto the bed, the cat got up. I cuddled up to Tori’s chest. The cat hopped onto her lap, did a few circles, then settled down. I started to pet it. It purred. I marveled at how soft its fur was.
It struck me then, that Tori had been right about me the whole time and had done exactly what she promised she would with even greater skill than I'd imagined. I still felt raw from it, almost like I’d spent a day on the beach without sunscreen. I nuzzled her neck, breathed in her clean scent, and tried to stop myself from spiraling. It was hard. My brain wanted to run off into the strangest places, all of which made me sick with anxiety. It didn't make sense. None of the thoughts were that bad, it was just—
"I think I'm freaking out," I said. She couldn’t help me if she didn’t know what was happening.
“It’s okay to feel however you need to feel.”
“I don’t know how I feel.”
“Then you can just speak it aloud as it comes. If it helps. Or we can be quiet.”
“I feel like I’m fucked up,” I said.
“Maybe. I am too.”
“It’s not good to be fucked up.”
“Do you feel like you’re going to leave here worse off than you came?”
I scratched the cat’s neck. “I don’t know. I don’t think so? I’ve never done this.”
“I probably should’ve started lighter,” Tori said.
“I didn’t want to start lighter.”
“I didn’t either, but that didn’t mean this was a good idea,” Tori said. “But, for what it’s worth, you’re crashing a bit after the scene. I sometimes do, too. It can take me a bit to figure out if I enjoyed it.”
“That’s weird,” I said. I nuzzled her again. I felt very close to her. Maybe closer to her than anyone else I ever had before. I wondered if she needed to take me apart to make me feel like this, or if it just made it better when she did. “Fuck. God. I don’t know.”
“You have all the time you need to figure out if you know. It’s okay.” She kissed the top of my head. “I have you.”
It was impossibly nice to hear that. Maybe nicer still was that she wasn’t telling me that I had to feel a certain way, that it was okay to be confused and lay there and think. I didn’t need to answer now. I could do it later.
For now I could breathe and lay on top of her. I could just be in my body.
And maybe, once it all settled, I’d come right back.
Notes:
And with this, we're done!
Hope y'all enjoyed
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