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Roy let himself fall to the bed with a loud sigh.
He was exhausted.
Grumman had been piling up work on his desk at an unprecedented rate. The team had been working long hours all month just to keep up with the demand, and today all their hard work had finally paid off. Grumman had been pleased with the report, and had nothing but praises for him and the team.
Roy owed them all a good bonus and a nice vacation.
He closed his eyes and yawned loudly. He was tired, but he wasn't sleepy. His brain was still too railed up from all the day's stress. He'd the feeling it would be one of those long nights where he would stare at the ceiling until dawn broke through the window.
Had he not been so exhausted, he would've taken Havoc's and Breda's invitation to celebrate at a bar. At least then he could've drank himself into oblivion. Even now he had half the mind to go to Chris’ for a good glass of whiskey, but his body wasn't moving according to his wishes.
Roy sighed again, rolled to his side, and stared blankly at the wall.
He wondered if Hawkeye was having the same problem three doors down the hall. He'd never asked her what she did when she couldn't sleep. She struck him as the type that would want to get busy. She had never been much of a reader, but he could see her listening to the radio, or cleaning her guns until she felt sleepy. Or perhaps–
He cut the — intrusive and dangerous — thought quickly before it could finish taking form. Still the damage was done and his body had taken an interest. He felt a pleasant but unwelcomed warm feeling wash all over him, and he groaned in frustration.
How fucking stupid of him. He knew it wasn't safe to think about her when he was alone and tired. He thought he knew better by now.
Roy rolled on his back, cursed, and pulled down his pants.
Despite his frivolous and hedonistic reputation, this wasn't a common occurrence for him. Sex just wasn't a big part of his life since Ishval. It now felt empty and undeserving, and he felt too dirty to touch anyone so intimately. It had been years since the last time he had any, and it would probably be many more before he tried again.
He couldn't even remember the last time he'd touched himself. Definitely not that month and probably not the previous one. He spent far too many nights at the office, and whenever he slept at home he was too exhausted to do anything but pass out on his couch.
He wasn't at the office now, no one would walk on him here, and the hotel's bed was comfier and more inviting than his old couch. He didn't really have an excuse not to do it.
Roy had to suppress a moan the moment he touched himself. It had really been too long.
He tried to keep his mind blank, and his hand efficient, with a grip that was a little too hard. He tried to concentrate on the feeling of his hand on himself, but his mind kept drifting, conjuring images of soft blonde hair and warm brown eyes.
“Fuck,” he cursed under his breath. This wasn't going to work. He needed something that would keep his mind away from her.
Roy rolled onto his stomach and reached for his bag next to the bed. He rummaged through it until he found what he was looking for. A small jar of Vaseline. He scooped some of its content on his left index and middle fingers and threw the jar back into the bag before lying on his side.
He shivered when his coated fingers touched his butthole.
It had been even longer since the last time he'd done this. He rarely had the time or patience to try, but every time he did, he was surprised with how good it felt.
He started slowly, just teasing himself as he resumed the slow and tight grip on his member. It wasn't long before he was panting and pushing his fingers past the ring of muscles, searching for that spot that would bring him quick relief.
He blanked for a second when he found it.
It was good. So good he had to muffle his raising voice against the pillow. But It could be better… if his fingers were just a bit bigger, just a bit rougher, like those of a certain soldier.
He vaguely registered the dangerous turn his thoughts had taken, but he was too far gone to stop it. He couldn't stop the images of short spiky blonde hair, of lazy blue eyes, and the distinct smell of tobacco. Or suppress the need to feel a heavier body against his and the scratch of facial hair against his skin.
Roy came with a muffled cry against the pillow.
He was starting to come down from the high of his orgasm when he heard the door open.
“Hey boss, you sure you don't wanna tag alo–” Havoc's voice died mid sentence.
Roy's small dark eyes meet Havoc's wide blue ones. It took him a moment too long in his hazy state of mind to register what was happening and realize where Havoc was staring, where Roy's left hand was conveniently placed.
His lieutenant, his stupidly intrusive and handsome Lieutenant, had just walked on him masturbating to the thought of him. Worse, he had walked on him pleasuring himself in a way a man wasn't supposed to. A way that could cost Roy his career.
All the blood left Roy's face and a sense of dread settled in his stomach. “Hav–”
“Nevermind. Sorry about that.”
The door closed with a loud clash that reverberated through the walls.
He'd fucked up.
Roy waited for the downfall the next morning, and waited, and waited. It never came. The next day wasn't any different from the previous one, save for a few concerned glances from Hawkeye — she had always been good at knowing when something was wrong. There were no questions, no accusations, no awkward conversations.
He would've thought he dreamed it all if it wasn't for Havoc avoiding his gaze all morning. Even that stopped after the third day, and Roy thought that was it. He'd somehow dodged a metaphorical bullet. He was relieved, but he also felt somewhat uneasy. He had never liked leaving unfinished business, but even he knew when not to poke a sleeping bear.
“So… does it really feel good?”
“Excuse me?” Roy blinked, confused by Havoc's sudden question.
“You know,” Havoc said, his neck and ears turning awfully red. “They say it feels good when you touch that spot.”
Oh…
Three months and ten days after Havoc walked in on him masturbating, he now wanted to talk about it. Roy knew it couldn't be that easy. His life was never that simple. Fuck his luck.
“Do you really want to do this now?”
Havoc shrugged and looked around. They were stuck waiting for the rain to pass after finishing an inspection on one of the military iron factories. There was nobody in the vicinity, and no one in their right mind would make the trip down hill from the factory to the road when it was pouring this hard — they had to stop mid way due to the mud. They would be stuck alone for a while. “Do you have anything better to do, boss?”
Checkmate.
Roy sighed in defeat. “Depends on the person, really, but generally, yes. It feels good.”
“And you like it?”
It was Roy's turn to blush.
He knew how this went. Havoc was just a few steps away from asking him if he had ever slept with a man. He would then maybe ask a few more — too personal — questions about Roy's experience. He preferred the curious type to the judgemental one, but he was never eager to answer their questions. He'd never liked feeling like a lab rat.
Thankfully, he was good at making them back out.
“Why so curious, Lieutenant? Interested in trying it?”
“Maybe.”
Roy almost choked at Havoc's short and earnest answer. He had to look at him to make sure he wasn't pulling his leg. The way he blushed and looked away told Roy otherwise. He had completely misjudged the situation. This wasn't just Havoc being curious about his boss's odd sexual preferences.
“Well, that has an easy solution. You have all the equipment needed to try.”
“Honestly, I wouldn't even know where to start.”
Was that… was that an opening? No, it couldn't be. He had to be misreading the situation again.
“What are you looking for, a manual?” Roy licked his lips and hesitated to add the next part. “An instructor?”
“Interested?”
Fuck. He had been right. How the heck did he get himself into this kind of situation. As if he didn't have enough issues dealing with whatever was going on — or not — between him and Hawkeye.
“Havo–”
“I'm sorry if I overstepped, boss. We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. I just–” His pained haunted expression pulled at Roy's heart. “I just couldn't stop thinking about it, and the more time that passes the harder it is to ignore.”
“You understand the position this puts me in, no?”
“I do.”
“Why not go to someone else then?”
Havoc just stared at him with an expression that said it all. One Roy knew too well from his own face. Yeah, if only it was that easy he wouldn't have panicked about having one of his lieutenants know he liked being touched that way. If only it was that easy he wouldn't be struggling to suppress his feelings for, not one, but two of his subordinates.
Roy closed his eyes and sighed.
“It's getting late for the trip back to East City. There was a small motel some 20 kilometers from here, we should stop there for the night.”
Roy's stomach fluttered at Havoc's hopeful, “Yes, sir.”
This was a mistake.
A big one with the potential to blow up on their faces and take the whole team with them. But meeting Havoc's hopeful and hungry gaze, Roy couldn't bring himself to turn around and leave the room. He had always been terrible at disappointing people, and even worse at disappointing himself.
The truth was that despite his better judgment, he wanted this.
Badly.
Roy moved away from the closed door, crossing the short distance to one of the two beds in the room, the one where Havoc was sitting. He held Havoc's gaze for a moment, searching his face for any kind of regret or hesitation. There was nothing but anticipation and hunger there.
Roy dropped to his knees, and Havoc's breath hitched.
His pants were already tented, and Roy couldn't help but lick his lips as his own anticipation grew. He had technically seen him naked before, but he'd always made sure not to stare. He was self aware enough to know when he needed to build a wall, and that was one he'd firmly built from day one. He'd never expected he would ever have to bring it down.
Roy looked up and hooked his fingers on the edge of Havoc's waistband. “May I?”
“Yes,” came Havoc's breathless, needy reply.
His pants and underwear came off in one swoop, and Roy was left staring at Havoc's proud erection. He was big, and flushed, and very warm and soft when Roy touched him. Havoc let out a groan and his — beautifully shaped — tights flexed in a way that made Roy bite his lips to suppress a moan. He wanted to bite them so bad, but he held himself back. This wasn't about him. This was about meeting Havoc's needs.
“We may have a problem. I don't have any lube on me.”
“Oh. Um.” Havoc blushed all the way down to his chest, as he reached for his jacket's inner pocket. He took a small bottle from it, which Roy immediately recognized as lube. The good kind. “Here.”
Roy raised an eyebrow at him. “You've been planning this for a while, haven't you?”
“It's not an easy thing to ask.”
“Yeah… it’s not.”
Roy took the bottle from him and coated his fingers generously with lube. “Don’t be stingy with it.”
“Gotcha.”
“Move down. I need better access.”
Havoc complied without hesitation, always the diligent soldier. Roy pushed at his abs so he would lay down, trying really hard not to stare at the patch of burned skin on the side of Havoc's abdomen.
Not now, Roy. This isn't about you.
“Open wider.” This time Havoc hesitated, but just for a second. Roy understood. It wasn’t always comfortable to feel so exposed, no matter how much you wanted it. Roy adjusted his position so he was in between Havoc's legs, and rested his clean hand on Havoc's firm tight. “It might be uncomfortable at first, and some people don't like it at all. We can stop at any time, just say the word. Um, some, um, prefer it with a handjob or a blow job. I'm okay with either.”
Havoc's cock twitched, and he leaned forward just so he could look at Roy when he asked, “Can you use your mouth?”
Could he? That was exactly what he'd been hoping to hear.
“Yeah.” Roy swallowed, his mouth suddenly dry. “Yes, I can.”
He wet his lips and looked at Havoc one last time before taking him in his mouth.
“Fuck.” Havoc's fingers immediately found their way to Roy's hair.
He couldn't stop himself from moaning this time. He'd missed this so much. The weight on his tongue, the musky tangy taste. It had been more than a decade since the last time he had done this, and all the reasons why he'd been avoiding it — all the reasons why he should stop it now — felt so distant at that moment.
Roy started bobbing his head, taking as much of Havoc's length as he could without choking. He was rewarded with a litany of curses and compliments from Havoc, who seemed to struggle keeping his hips still. Roy closed his eyes and allowed himself to enjoy the experience for a moment, just concentrating on Havoc's taste and the feeling of his flexing muscle underneath his palm.
Who knew if or when he would have another chance to do this.
He slowed down his pace and brought his lubed fingers to Havoc's opening, circling it softly, just enough to tease. The response was immediate, Havoc gasped and tensed under his fingers.
“Relax, it won't work otherwise.”
“Sorry, boss.”
Roy cringed at the title. “Roy. I'm not the one calling the shots here. We stop whenever you want, ok?”
Havoc smiled at him, so warm and earnest Roy's heart skipped a beat. “Sure thing...” He ran a hand through Roy's dark hair, tucking some of it behind his ear. “Roy.”
Fuck.
Roy closed his eyes and pushed at the feelings threatening to overwhelm him.
This was a really bad idea. He should be smarter than this. He shouldn't be falling for his Lieutenant. What kind of idiot let that happen twice. A masochist for sure. He couldn't have them. He shouldn't have them. And yet there he was breaking all the rules he'd set for himself the moment he realized how he felt for Riza.
He thought he was strong for avoiding falling into bed with her all these years. Now he knew she was the strong one for never asking him for it. He was sure he couldn't say no to her anymore than he could to Havoc.
“Roy?” Havoc's hand on his cheek brought him back to the moment.
His ears burned with embarrassment. Not only was he an idiot he was also an airhead.
Concentrate Mustang.
“Sorry, got distracted for a moment.”
He took Havoc back in his mouth before he could ask any questions. He didn't tense when Roy touched him this time, and after a minute he was panting and rubbing against his fingers. Roy took that as a sign to continue and pushed his index finger inside all the way past the first knuckle.
“Shit, wa–wait.”
Roy stilled and let him go. “Not good? Should I stop?”
“No. Just. Weird.” He let out a heavy sigh. “Give me a second.”
“Okay.” Roy rested his cheek against Havoc's thigh and waited. He bit down his lips when Havoc clenched on his finger. He was going to need a very long cold shower when this was done.
“Okay. Go.”
Roy couldn't resist pressing his lips against Havoc's thigh — just a little innocent indulgence — before resuming his task.
Havoc laughed, deep and carefree. “So you do like thighs, even in men.”
“I’m a man true to my tastes.” Roy's smile died as he remembered Havoc's own preferences. “No boobs here, sorry.”
“It's okay.”
Roy guessed a good blowjob and a novelty experience was worth the lack of boobs. “There’s plenty of women out there willing to try this. You shouldn't have an issue there. I mean if you end up liking it.”
Havoc tensed a bit and his voice was awkward when he said, “Uh, sure.”
He just smiled when Roy gave him a concerned look. It was probably just the nerves. He’d better got it over with before Havoc started regretting it.
He held the base of Havoc's cock and ran his tongue over the head before engulfing it. He started pumping his finger in and out the moment Havoc relaxed, and felt him gasp and clench against it. They set out a nice pace that had Havoc moaning in pleasure every so often. Roy started to look for his prostate then, and almost choked when Havoc bucked his hips and tugged at his hair the moment he found it.
“Fuck, Roy. That– oh God. That feels good.
Roy hummed, pleased at himself, never stopping his hand or his mouth. Every trust, every touch, every time he sucked, made Havoc pant harder and moan louder. He was close. This wouldn't last much longer.
Roy tried to smother the disappointment in his gut and concentrated on enjoying the final moments of their time together.
The end came in a high pitched fragmented warning, and a tug on his hair. Roy closed his eyes and stilled his head as Havoc came in waves down his throat.
He stepped back, swallowed, and wiped his mouth when it was done. That was it. Mission accomplished, and from the look of Havoc's blissed out expression, he had passed with full marks.
Good.
He stood up with a groan and walked to the bathroom. He caught a glance of his red face and swollen lips on the mirror but ignored it. He opened the faucet, took a gulp of water and washed his hands before grabbing one of the hand towels and getting it wet with warm water.
When he re-entered the room, Havoc stared at him with an odd expression he couldn't decipher. “Uh, um here. For the mess.”
“Thanks.” He stared blankly at the wall while Havoc cleaned himself in silence.
What now?
Havoc got what he wanted, and Roy had a nice memory to treasure. He didn't want to make things awkward, so he was probably better off taking a cold shower and going to bed. He could figure out how much this had affected their dynamic in the morning, when they were both rested, and Havoc wasn't riding the afterglow.
Hopefully, he still had his Lieutenant's respect, and he wouldn't combust with want every time he so much as looked at Havoc. That was all he hoped for. The rest he could deal with.
He turned around, ready to leave for the bathroom, when a hand on his wrist stopped him and pulled him back onto the bed, right next to Havoc.
“Where do you think you are going?”
Roy blinked at him, a little lost. “The bathroom?”
“Oh.” Havoc let go of his wrist. “Sorry. Um, hurry up?”
“Why?” Oh. “You can shower first if you want.”
“What?” Havoc looked down at his pants. “You're hard.”
“Um, yeah.” Roy scratched the back of his head in embarrassment. So he had liked it a little too much. “Sorry, it happens.”
“Sor– Wait, was your plan to give me the best head of my life and then just go to sleep unsatisfied?”
Wait. Had he missed something?
“Isn't that... yours?”
“God damn it. You're a moron.”
The kiss came out of nowhere and took Roy completely by surprise. He could only gasp against Havoc's soft lips, warmer and fuller than he'd expected. He moaned as Havoc took his face between his hands and kissed him like no one had kissed him before, with a lack of lust yet so much passion. At the back of his mind he couldn't help but wonder if kissing Riza would be like that.
“Can I touch you now?” Havoc whispered against his lips as soon as he ended the kiss.
Roy swallowed and closed his eyes. Fuck. This wasn't how it was supposed to go. This wasn't about him. He was supposed to go back to his self-imposed abstinence once Havoc was satisfied. He shouldn't want to touch Roy, but apparently both his precious Lieutenants were crazy enough to fall for a monster.
"I've killed a lot of people."
"I know."
"Children too."
"I know."
"I burned them alive while they begged for mercy."
"I know all that. And I know you live with nightmares about it. I've seen Hawkeye wake you up from them plenty of times. You also saved Maria's life, saved mine, helped save the country, and gave me back my legs.”
Please, stop. Don't say that. Don't make me sound noble.
“Havoc, I'm not a good person.”
“Maybe not, but you aren't the monster you want everyone to think you are. And honestly I don't care if your hands are tainted.” He took Roy's right hand and pressed it against his cheek. “They're still warm and gentle."
This was too much.
It was too cruel.
How was he supposed to reject him? How was he supposed to convince him he was wrong? To make him understand he was supposed to die alone and broken? To have him see that his kindness was wasted on someone like him?
He should get up, make a cold comment, push him away, break his heart, and stomp on it so he could never piece it back together. That would be the best for everyone.
He couldn't do it…
He didn't have the strength to fight this.
Roy laughed.
God, he'd been so wrong.
He'd thought Hughes was strong for being able to move past Ishval and have a family. No. In reality, this was just another kind of weakness. A very selfish one.
“Please touch me.”
Havoc's mouth was immediately back on his, and his hands were everywhere, on his shirt, on his belt, on his skin. Roy felt like he had entered a fever dream.
“Tell me what you want,” Havoc said in a low tone that sent shivers down Roy's spine.
“I think.” Roy licked his lips. “You should put to practice your newly acquired knowledge. If you want to.”
“If I want to, he says.” Havoc's body shook with laughter. “I haven't been able to stop thinking about how good you looked that night.” Havoc pressed a light kiss against Roy's temple before brushing his lips against his ear and whispering, “I want to see how you look while I finger you.”
That was it.
Havoc was officially trying to kill him.
Roy groaned and tugged at Havoc's hair, bringing him into a needy and messy kiss. The next few seconds were a blur of hands, falling clothes, warm skin, and kisses. Roy found himself lying on his back completely naked and painfully hard while an equally naked Havoc loomed over him with a look that was both loving and hungry.
Roy knew Havoc was fit, but the sight of his toned naked body still surprised him. He wasn't a small man by any means, just painfully average, but Havoc overshadowed him almost everywhere. His biceps alone were twice as big as Roy's — in his defense he had been stuck behind his desk most of the year. Roy ran a finger over Havoc's abs and enjoyed the way he shivered and flexed under his touch.
Havoc was looking at him with the same kind of naked hunger Roy felt. It made his skin flush with pride and want. That was quickly dashed when Havoc's eyes stopped on his abdomen, or rather on the big hideous scar marring it.
Roy swallowed, and resisted the urge to cover himself.
“It's not very appealing, sorry.” He hated how vain he sounded, and how much it bothered him.
Havoc didn't say anything at first, he just held Roy's gaze as he leaned down and planted a soft kiss against the scarred skin.
“Thank you.” Another kiss. “Thank you for saving me.”
Roy's eyes stung. He closed them and took a big breath, trying to get his emotions under control. He never thought of his scar as anything but ugly, a painful reminder of the time he almost lost Havoc to his own carelessness. He'd never wondered what Havoc would think about it, but he would've never guessed he would see it as anything positive. Even less as something worth kissing and thanking him for.
When Roy opened his eyes Havoc was right above him, smiling with a gentle loving expression. Roy wanted to close his eyes again or look away. He wasn't ready to accept that look or the three simple words it was all but screaming. He was thankful when Havoc kissed him, and he could concentrate on the feeling of their tongues against each other, and the light taste of nicotine, instead.
There would be time to explore those feelings later.
Havoc kissed his way down to Roy's chest, leaving a trail of butterfly kisses and playful bites that made Roy's breath hitch. He lifted his head when he reached the center of Roy's chest, looking up at him almost in defiance.
“Who said I'm not true to my taste?”
The brush of Havoc's warm tongue against his nipple took him by surprise, as did his nimble fingers against the other one. Roy shuddered, gasped, and moaned underneath Havoc's expert administration. He was good at that, really good, and Roy should have totally seen it coming.
A man true to his taste, indeed.
“Ha-havoc!” he half moaned, half screamed after a particularly well placed bite.
“That good, huh?” Havoc laughed, placing quick soft bites in between words. “You might be more sensitive than some of my previous girls.” Roy glared at him, which only made him laugh harder. “By the way, you should try using my name.”
Roy got as far as opening his mouth to reply before Havoc's hot tongue was back on his nipple and two fingers pressed against his hole. His mind went blank and any reply he had was lost to a series of gasps and moans.
Fuck.
He had been too distracted and hadn't heard him reach for the lube.
Roy brought a hand to Havoc's hair and another to his shoulder, desperately trying to anchor himself against the barrage of sensations assaulting him. Havoc wasn't the shy, clumsy lover he had expected him to be. Roy could tell the lack of experience in his touch, in the inquisitive nature of it, but he could also tell his resolve, his absolute devotion to pleasuring him.
Right now, this wasn't the carefree Lieutenant that preferred to smoke over doing paperwork, this was the man that had single handedly gotten them a truck full of supplies and handmade pepper grenades. Knowing that made the feelings inside Roy's chest burn a little hotter and brighter.
Havoc placed one last kiss against his nipple before starting his journey down Roy’s abdomen, peppering it with light kisses, soft bites, and touches of his — criminally good — tongue. He took longer on the scar, being extra gentle with it and murmuring words against the marred skin, too soft for Roy to hear.
Roy opened his eyes and looked down at him, curious when the kisses stopped, only to close them again when Havoc smirked at him and licked the head of his cock. He cursed and resisted the urge to trust his hips, only to let out a loud moan when Havoc's mouth surrounded him. It had been years since he received oral sex, and every nerve in his body felt like it was on fire.
It was sloppy, clumsy, and a little too wet, and it was everything Roy wanted.
“That's so good. You're doing so good.”
He felt Havoc's humming through every nerve of his body. This wouldn't last long, Havoc's fingers hadn't even entered him yet, and he already felt like he was at the edge. He didn't want it to end so soon.
Havoc stopped with a loud pop. “Is that– are you reciting alchemy?”
Roy opened his eyes and closed them immediately at the sight of Havoc's red, swollen, wet lips. Nope. Not even the laws of thermodynamics were strong enough for that.
Havoc laughed. “Sometimes I forget you're supposed to be really smart.”
Roy glared at him. “Hey, I– ah!” his complaint was lost to Havoc's index finger finally entering him.
Of course he would choose that moment to start fingering him, his stupidly devious, handsome, knight.
Not that Roy could complain much. Havoc's fingers were just as good as he'd imagined. They were thicker than his own, rough around the edges after years of handling guns. He lacked Roy's finesse and skills, but Havoc more than made up for it with his enthusiasm and observation skills. He was quick to adjust when he noticed something wasn't working, way before Roy could complain about it.
He was a natural, and Roy was all but helpless against him.
“More. Please,” he begged with tears in his eyes. He was so close it was painful. All he needed was a little push.
Roy thrusted against Havoc's finger, desperate to find release. Havoc stilled his hips with a big, warm hand on his abdomen, and Roy whined, trying to break free from the hold. Soon, another finger joined the first.
“Ah!” It was too much. It was so good. It was still not enough.
He couldn't find words. He was too far gone to form any coherent thought. He tugged at Havoc's hair, and struggled against the weight on his hip, hoping he would get it, begging him to understand. To his credit, Havoc immediately switched the angle of his fingers, searching for that one spot he was yet to touch.
There was no warning, not a single sound from him, just a sea of white noise and the overwhelming waves of contractions. Roy was floating, adrift in a sea of pleasure he hadn't experienced in years.
He got lost in it.
Roy woke up to Havoc's fingers combing through his hair.
“Did I blank out?”
“More like: immediately fell asleep. You haven't been sleeping well have you?”
“I've been busy.”
“Don't start with that. I know Hawkeye is very particular about keeping your evenings light. You should have enough time for a full night of sleep.” Roy didn't reply. He just closed his eyes and chose to enjoy the feeling of Havoc's gentle fingers on his scalp. “You should really stop taking naps during the day.”
“Not my mom.”
“No, but you said I'm the boss here.” He glared at Havoc, who laughed against his neck. “Stop that, it only makes me want to tease you.”
“You really don't play fair.”
“Never said I would.” Havoc’s fingers resumed their rhythmic journey through Roy's hair. Roy sighed and moved closer until his back was comfortably pressed against Havoc's chest. He was almost falling asleep again when Havoc said, “I found it.”
He chuckled, knowing what “it” he was referring to. “You did. At the best moment too.”
“I had a good instructor.” Havoc pressed his lips against Roy's ear and whispered. “You looked just as good as I imagined you would.”
His tone sent shivers down Roy's abdomen directly to his groin.
Too soon, Mustang.
“Was that your first time?”
“Having sex with a man? Yes. Kissing a man? No.”
“Hmm, didn't peg you for the kind that would go around kissing guys.”
“Jealous, boss?”
“As if.”
Maybe just a little. He didn't like the idea of Havoc making out with other guys anymore than he liked seeing Hawkeye getting harassed by Barry.
“Don't be. It was just the one.” His tone, a little too soft and dark, got Roy curious. He rolled around so he could face him properly. Havoc looked uncharacteristically sad. “I used to hang out with this really cute neighbor of ours, he was my second and third kiss, and would've been my fourth too if things had been different.”
“Did something happen?”
“To us? Nah. But not long after our second kiss, a group of guys from town beat the crap out of one of our neighbors after they found him with another guy. No one helped him, and everyone avoided him after that. He moved as soon as he got better from the beating. I heard he died on the streets years later, never able to get rid of the stigma. And me? I never looked at or touched another man after that.”
“Jean…”
“Hey don't look at me like that.” He laughed. “It’s okay. I never thought it was that big of a loss, not when there were so many boobs out there. I hadn't really thought much about it until… well, until I saw you that night. It was like something inside me broke, and all this stuff I've been avoiding for years came to the surface.”
Roy frowned at him.
He knew these things were common. He had heard a dozen stories like this before at Chris’. He knew he himself was lucky to have grown up with a family that never judged his preferences. He owed so much to Chris, even if he had ultimately chosen to turn his back to her protection by joining the military.
Still hearing this from his — kind and carefree — knight just tore his heart apart. He didn't deserve that.
“It's not okay. No child should make the choice between survival or being their true self.”
The expression Havoc made was full of pain, almost as if he was trying really hard not to cry. He hid his face against Roy's neck, and Roy didn't comment about the warm wet feeling that followed.
“We can make up for lost time,” Havoc said after a long moment.
“I guess we can.” Roy licked his lips, feeling a rush of affection and excitement hit him. “Say… how do you feel about an anal sex instructor?”
Havoc laughed. “I'm listening.”