back where i started

by willtoledosglasses

Summary:

johnnie is struggling.

Chapter 1

  Johnnie knew he was slipping back into old bad habits. But he didn't have the energy to care. His room was a disaster, the floor obscured by mess. He'd started picking at his skin again so now his acne was back in full force, making him cringe away from his reflection. He'd started drinking again, almost always waking up hungover.

  Jake knew something was off. He didn't know how to approach the subject with his friend, afraid of upsetting him further. So he said nothing. That is, until he found a box of razorblades shoved to the back of the bathroom cabinet. The sight made his heart sink. Jake had never cut before, so this was uncharted territory for him. 

  Heart thudding as he picked up the box, Jake called the only person he could think of. His ex-girlfriend, Tara.

  "Hello?"

  Jake's words spilled out in a rush when he heard her voice. "Tara, I'm kinda freaking out. Johnnie's been acting, like, really depressed, and y'know he used to hurt himself...I'm really worried and I just found razorblades in the cabinet-"

  Tara cut Jake off, overwhelmed. "Jake, slow down." she soothed.

  "But-" the other began in protest.

  "Take a deep breath," continued Tara calmly. "And start over. Slowly."

  "It's Johnnie," Jake sighed. "I'm really worried, Tara. He never gets out of bed unless he's drunk. He hasn't filmed a video in weeks, and I think...."

  Tara could hear Jake hesitate, taking a shaky breath.

  "I think he's hurting himself again, Tara." 

  There was silence on Tara's end of the line until she finally asked, "How do you know?"

  "I-I found a box of razorblades," Jake replied. "Like, just now, shoved in the back of the bathroom cabinet." Jake looked down at the box in his hand as Tara sucked a breath through her teeth at the information.

  "Jake, I need you to trust me and put the box back." Tara murmured. "Don't go anywhere, I'm coming over." she added, hanging up before he could object.

Notes:

trying to get back into writing, but school is getting in the way so my apologies if this seems rushed/badly written!
- KHRIS

Chapter 2

Notes:

TRIGGER WARNING: self-harm, 'shtwt' lingo/slang(?) used, implied eating disorder, & internalized homophobia (if you squint)

  Johnnie heard a car pull up in the driveway, his curiosity motivating him to drag his scrawny frame across his messy room to investigate via the window, flopping back in his bed when he saw it was Tara's familiar pink convertible. 

  Just seeing the brightly colored vehicle filled Johnnie with an ache he despised more than the ache of hunger. He hated himself for being jealous of Tara, and he hated himself even more for the way he felt about Jake.

  Johnnie groaned quietly, burrowing deeper under his comforter as he spiraled, thinking of more reasons why he hated himself. The comforter did little to block the sound of Jake greeting Tara.

★

  Tara looked up as a tired, disheveled Johnnie shuffled into the room. She saw for the first time why Jake was so concerned.

  There was barely visible eyeliner smeared around Johnnie's eyes, his face otherwise bare unless you counted his acne and his messy, greasy hair that framed it. The lack of makeup revealed how tired he truly was, his eyes ringed with purple beneath the eyeliner. 

  "Hey, Johnnie," greeted Tara with forced casualty, trying not to reveal her worry.

  "'M gonna take a shower," Johnnie mumbled in a dead voice that was scratchy with disuse.

  Once Johnnie had disappeared down the hallway, Tara turned to Jake. "He's showering," she said softly. "That's gotta be a good sign, right?"

  Jake nodded slowly, clearly unconvinced.

★

  Johnnie made his way to the bathroom with his towel, shutting the door and turning on the water. Then he dug around in the back of the cabinet, pulling out his box of razorblades. Johnnie selected a blade and got in the shower.

  "Ow," Johnnie hissed as he sliced his thigh underneath the running water. The water running down the drain turned a faint red color as he did it again.

  Johnnie continued to hack at his right thigh, reaching deep styros and watching the white slowly fill with red, his heart thudding hard in his chest.

  The water started getting cold so Johnnie quickly turned it off, wrapping the towel around his waist and dabbing it against his now destroyed thigh to dry it. He dug a roll of gauze out of the box of blades, hair dripping as he wrapped his thigh with shaky hands.

  Just as Johnnie gingerly pulled a fresh pair of pajama pants over his bandaged thigh, there was a sharp knock on the door. "Johnnie," called Jake. "Me and Tara are ordering pizza, do you want some?"

  "N-Nah, man, I'm not super hungry right now." Johnnie forced out.

  There was a soft sigh. "Alright, dude. I'll still save you a slice just in case." Jake finally replied before his footsteps faded away from the bathroom door.

  Johnnie waited a moment, shoving his razorblades back in their hiding spot before retreating back to his messy room and flopping on his bed. He couldn't help it even if he tried. Tears welled in his blue eyes and he buried himself under the covers as his breathing got shaky.

  He'd tried so hard and so long to get better, and now he was right back where he started.

Notes:

saw a comment saying something about this so i'd like to apologize for the short chapters! i'm not good at making chapters long so expect them to stay short! but shorter chapters means an overall longer fic, so stay tuned! :)
- KHRIS

Series this work belongs to:

• Part 1 of ★ jake & johnnie