Chapter Text
Her teeth sank into the already tender flesh of her lower lip the moment she saw the familiar hill on the far horizon. She fought the urge to pull into the nearest driveway, do a U-turn and drive anywhere away from here, instead opting to let her anxiety out through her near bone shattering grip on the steering wheel.
She was coming home for a good reason, Elsa reminded herself, releasing the hold on her lip to take a deep breath.
The last of the houses of the neighborhood passed her by, replaced by the poor excuse for a forest that separated what still constituted the suburban area of Arendelle from the little recluse she grew up in; between the trees, she could already see the occasional glimmer of the morning sun reflecting from the water. She ignored them as much as she could, pushing the sickening feeling in the pit of her stomach to the back of her mind. Sooner or later, she’d need to get used to it again.
Just minutes later, the looming silhouette of her childhood home came into view, if a little obscured by the unkempt trees in the front yard. Elsa was just about to turn into their driveway when the front door opened, and she watched her younger sister run out, kicking the door shut behind her.
She hurried down the porch steps and was about halfway through the front lawn before she even noticed Elsa’s car, at which point she stopped abruptly. She squinted, but at a good twenty yards away and with what Elsa realized was the sun currently right in Anna’s eyes there was no way she could see her. She rolled the side window down to make it easier.
As soon as Anna spotted her face, the suspicious look on her own disappeared and gave way to a wide, if a little surprised, smile. She waved at her, to which Elsa gave a half-hearted wave back, her hand never fully leaving the steering wheel. Seemingly satisfied with that, Anna promptly re-adjusted the bag on her shoulder, turned around and resumed her wild run, just a little more contained now that she knew she wasn’t alone. Elsa watched her disappear behind the line of bushes at the edge of their property before she snapped out of it and finished pulling into the driveway.
She stepped out of the car and stretched, reveling in the cool, early morning breeze when her phone gave out a soft *ding* of a notification. She took it out of her pocket and saw a new text message.
Sorry, I took up an early shift and was running late! Didn’t know you were coming back today ;-;
She cocked an eyebrow—she wasn’t even aware Anna had a job in the first place—but then quickly tapped a few words in response.
It’s fine, I need a nap anyway. Long drive.
She tapped the back arrow, and her eyes immediately landed on the message she got just a few days ago.
Dear, I’m really sorry to ask you this because I know you must be busy but since I might need to stay at the hos…
The message preview cut off there, and Elsa grimaced involuntarily. She didn’t even respond. She probably should. Leaving her own mother on read was not something she was exactly proud of. With a sigh, she entered the conversation and tapped the text box to begin typing.
Sorry. Just arrived home now. Saw Anna, she was leaving. I’ll unpack my stuff and text you later.
That looked like at least a somewhat civilized response, even if a few days late. To her credit, her mother must have not felt it was extremely pressing that she respond in a timely manner, since she hadn’t even sent a follow up message and only tried to call her twice yesterday evening, as Elsa was attempting to pack her entire room into the car. Well, the things she deemed fit to take, anyway.
Not that there was much of it. Just a few personal belongings she’d accumulated over the course of her studies, mostly clothes, cosmetics, books and games. A select few birthday gifts from college friends she was never planning to see again. A small bag of food and alcohol she didn’t feel comfortable leaving with her roommates.
She grabbed that bag from her trunk before heading for the front door. The rest could wait until after her nap.
Once inside, she felt the full reality of the situation sink into her stomach; she was coming back home, and without a shadow of a doubt she was gonna stay here for a while. She tried to reason with herself that this was not a complete failure in her plan—after all, she came here at the explicit request of her mother, and she needed to stay for as long as necessary for her to get better. She couldn’t possibly refuse a woman writing to her from a hospital bed.
But deep inside she knew this was only an excuse. She’d been toying with the idea of coming back for a while now, possibly since even before her graduation a few months ago. Things were not going great in a very broad sense of the word, and while it fucking hurt to take a step back and admit defeat… she knew she had to do it. Still, she needed a catalyst, and her mother’s request came to her exactly at the right time.
She sighed, then made her way to the kitchen to put the food away. She sighed again when she opened the fridge and saw it was almost empty, though at least that made putting away the few things she brought easy. She cursed in her mind, knowing that nap she was planning to take would need to be cut a little short.
She briefly considered going upstairs to her bedroom, before deciding to just lay down on the couch for an hour or two.
+++
The drive back to town took her less than fifteen minutes, but it felt like an eternity. She navigated the road almost on auto-pilot, going to the same grocery store she always used to. Sure, some things changed in the time she’s been away, a few new houses got built, some smaller stores got closed, maybe a new road or two got opened but aside from that it was all just… the same. Nothing really worth noting in over five years.
She pulled up in the parking lot of the store and took out her phone. She opened her conversation with Anna and quickly typed that she’s grabbing some groceries.
She stepped out of the car and made her way into the building, her chest tightening a bit when she saw the sheer volume of people inside. She almost turned on her hill and went right back to the car, but then she remembered she’d already sent Anna the damn message… she sighed, forcing herself to face this demon.
She navigated the aisles, trying to avoid spots that had people congregating. Why the hell were there so many people doing groceries in the middle of the day on Friday, anyway? Her phone dinged, and she looked at the screen quickly, thankful for some distraction.
Omg really? thank you, i was planning to get some stuff after work, but that will make things much easier… can i send you the list i wrote down yesterday?
Elsa quickly typed back ‘sure’ before pushing the cart forward, grabbing the things she herself thought necessary. Soon after, the phone dinged again and her eyes scanned over the list, quickly noting off the things she already picked up.
She spent about twenty minutes searching for everything on Anna’s list while also dodging crowds. She groaned internally a few times when she realized something on the list was on the other side of the store, and skipped some items that seemed less important just because too many people were congregating in the area. She was sure Anna could go without a third kind of cereal, added suddenly at the end of the list and not next to the other two.
Once she was sure she had everything (well, almost everything) from Anna’s list and everything that she herself wanted as well, she went to the checkouts with her heart hammering in her throat. This has always been the worst part of going shopping in this particular store; despite having ten cash registers, there would only ever be about three to five cashiers working, resulting in huge, crowded lines.
That, and she really didn’t want to have to deal with people talking at her.
As she approached the checkout zone, her eyebrows rose. Finally, a truly noteworthy change in this tiny town.
They introduced self-checkouts, and Elsa has never gone to one faster than she did right now. She scanned every product, praying nothing came up with an error, not wanting to have to somehow deal with the lady overlooking the registers in this zone. At one point, the scanner beeped at her angrily and she almost dropped everything, but it turned out it was just because her hip was accidentally pressing on the scale. Typical.
She quickly paid, hoping nobody watched her fumble with her wallet, grabbed her bags and left the store before anyone could stop her, talk to her or even look at her for any reason.
Her feet led her to the car on auto-pilot, and she threw the bags in the trunk before walking over to the driver’s door. She slinked inside and slumped in her seat, running her hands through her hair. It was honestly pathetic how much a short trip to the store was affecting her, but she couldn’t help it as she pressed her forehead against the steering wheel, eyes closed. She focused on her breathing, trying to will her heart to slow down.
She counted backwards from ten, then again from twenty. She focused on the sound of the seagulls fighting over some fries in the parking lot nearby, and on the feeling of the leather of her seat against her fingertips.
It took her maybe five minutes tops, but she felt like she spent hours in the parking lot, just trying to calm down. She fucking hated crowds.
She took out her phone and entered the conversation with Anna again. She typed for a few seconds, then sent the message and rested her head against the side window.
Just finished at the store. Do you want me to come pick you up?
She omitted the details of her struggle, Anna didn’t need to know that. The ping of a message notification almost startled her mere seconds later.
Thanks, but I still have two hours to go :(( I’ll take the bus home, dw
Elsa exhaled slowly. Guess she had two hours (and some, Anna was not going to instantly spawn at the doorstep) of home alone peace. Maybe she could catch the tail end of that nap.
+++
She ended up deciding on unpacking some of her stuff and cooking dinner, instead.
With a heavy sigh, she closed the fridge after putting all of the groceries away, then turned to her bag waiting almost ominously in the corridor. It was not about the bag, obviously. It was about where she had to take it.
She grabbed the handle and started climbing the stairs, the lump in her throat growing heavier with every step she took. This is where it was really hitting her; this is how she really felt she was coming back here for good, at least for the foreseeable future. Going to her old room instead of sleeping in the guest room downstairs over Christmas, or sometimes even just on the couch for one night for Thanksgiving. If she came back home for either of those.
The last few steps to her door felt like she was summiting K2. She stood at the door for a few seconds, before she turned the knob and entered.
The room looked exactly the same as she remembered it, if maybe a little cleaner than she’d left it. Her bed was made, the desk was clean of papers and stationery, and the curtains were drawn open to let in the last rays of the afternoon sun.
She looked through the window and immediately felt sick to the stomach. The fucking lake. She immediately strode over and drew the curtains closed, then sat down heavily on the bed, head in her hands.
+++
It took her longer than she thought it would to prepare dinner, as she fumbled with the old stove, trying to remember how exactly to use it; looked for the pots and pans, which were not in their usual cupboard; looked for the sharp knives, which for some reason got taken out of the block and put away in a drawer.
She sighed, waiting for the sauce to reduce. Everything around her felt at once completely unchanged, static and completely unknown. It’s like she wanted to call this house her home, but it became a strange place over the years of absence.
She turned the burner down to low, and decided it was time for a cigarette break. She grabbed the dark gray University of Toronto hoodie she’d thrown on the ground in the entrance earlier and put it on. She stepped out on the front porch, taking a pack of smokes out of her jeans pocket as she leaned on the old, wooden railing. She put a cigarette between her lips and fished for the lighter in her other pocket, then lit it with a deep inhale.
At least this didn’t change. She leaned over the railing and looked at the gravel surrounding the porch foundations, just like she used to do when she was eighteen, just like she used to do every time she came back to this fucking house over the past five years. She breathed out slowly, the smoke rising above her head, stinging her eyes. At least she still had something to ground herself with.
She stayed like this until she heard footsteps on the little stone path leading up to the front stairs, and looked up.
Anna looked happy to see her, at the very least. She was still wearing what Elsa assumed were her work clothes, a black button up shirt and beige plaid slacks. The tip of a royal blue… apron? or something like that was sticking out of her bag, making Elsa’s mind work overtime to connect the dots without having to actually ask her own sister what her freaking job was.
“Hey,” Elsa said after an uncomfortable moment of silence, dropping the cigarette butt down on the gravel. “Dinner is almost ready if you want to change into some more comfortable clothes and come down to eat.”
Anna smiled, and nodded. Then, before Elsa could protest, she was on the porch, hugging her tightly. Unsure of what to do, Elsa patted her back awkwardly. Anna then pulled away and looked at her, her ocean blue eyes sparkling in the golden rays of the late afternoon sun, before she grabbed her hand and pulled her towards the door.
Elsa sighed, but she didn’t protest. “Yeah, yeah. I’m coming in.”
This didn’t change, either.