Chapter Text
Tori’s arm was on fire
The jumper sleeve that was there a minute ago was completely burned away, leaving just the red skin peeking through. The agonising pain sent sparks throughout her entire body, making her shiver, even though nothing hotter had ever touched her skin. The orange flames danced on her arm, claiming it for their own.
She watched it happen. Nobody did anything. Nobody ever does anything.
“Tori!” Nick yelped, pushing her away from the oven. The boiling hot pan made a crash sound as it hit the floor, no longer balancing in Tori’s hands.
She watched it bounce, not even realising the damage it had done.
Nick physically moved her hands into the running, cold water gushing out of the kitchen sink. It was only then that she realised her hands were red-rore, and stung like nothing she’d felt before.
“Is everything okay?” Charlie asked, entering the kitchen. They were currently in the process of making dinner, as Jane and Julio had gone out, leaving the three of them in charge of Oliver.
“Tori took the hot baking tray out of the oven with just her hands,” Nick retoled, his hands still wrapped tightly around her wrists, to make sure they stayed under the water.
She felt put on the spot. “Why on earth would you do that?” her brother asked, watching the water leave the tap.
Tori shrugged her shoulders. She genuinely didn’t know.
Ever since Higgs burned down, over a week ago, she had found herself doing stupid things that put her in danger. She didn’t even realise that she was doing it, until it was too late.
Like accidentally taking ten paracetamol instead of two, or refusing to eat or drink anything for three days straight, except for diet lemonade.
“Does it hurt?” Nick asked her.
“No,” She droned.
“How can it not hurt?” Charlie asked in confusion.
Tori laughed at the expression on his face, and the situation only she could find herself in.
It’s funny, because it’s true.
–
Michael had kissed her for the sixth time today.
Yes, she’d been counting.
It didn’t feel bad, it maybe even felt nice, the warmth pressing on her dry lips. But the butterflies that she should have felt, according to numerous posts on tumblr, were not there. Instead, her stomach was filled with an overwhelming feeling of guilt.
She had tried to go further, she really did. She did what everyone had told her to do. But she just couldn't go through with it. So she got her stuff and walked all the way home. Michael had called her name, but she couldn't look him in the eye. She didn't want him to see the shame in her eyes.
She knew he would want to have sex with her at some point, because that’s what you do when you like someone.
Why did she think it would be any different with Michael?
The orange flame danced above the lighter she was holding. She had stolen it weeks ago from the ‘messy draw’ in the kitchen, as well as a matchbox with matches inside. The only time anyone used lighters were for birthdays, and except for hers, there wasn’t anyone else’s for a while. She had it stored away under her bed, as well as plasters and burn cream.
After waiting twenty seconds for the flame to heat up, she pressed it as hard as she could into her skin for almost ten seconds. This stopped every thought about Michael in an instant. She bit her lip as the stinging got worse, but after a minute, it began to feel normal.
She tore the lighter away and stared at the red-burn mark she had inflicted, followed by numerous other ones next to it that had started to blister.
She had never meant to pick up this habit. After that night in October, when Tori found Charlie in the bathroom, she would absolutely never do anything like that.
But in her opinion, burning is a lot different to cutting. You couldn't die from burns.
It felt like she had finally found something that she could have control over. The day of the fire, everything was out of control, she couldn't do anything to stop it despite her efforts. But this time, it was her decision to press the lever down on the lighter. It was her decision that a flame appeared. It was her decision to burn.
Every night she had nightmares. Nightmares about that day. What she could've done differently so the school wouldn't burn. What would've happened if she had jumped off that building, right there and then. If Michael hadn't of shown up or Charlie couldn't see her from where he was standing.
She would wake up early hours of the morning, boiling hot and covered in sweat, convinced she was either on fire or the house was.
The only thing that would stop the fire was to burn.
Sometimes she wouldn't sleep at all, deciding to spend the whole night scrolling on tumblr rather than to be at that fire again. She would do anything to not be there again.
She couldn’t tell anyone, because they would make her stop, and she couldn’t stop. She needed this.
She especially couldn’t tell Charlie. He hadn’t had a relapse since the night of October, and what if this causes him too? The guilt would get worse, as if it wasn’t bad enough.
This was hers and hers only, and nobody could take it away from her.
“Dinner!” Jane called up the stairs.
Tori jumped at her voice, nearly falling off her bed.
She rolled down her sleeve and hid the lighter under her bed, back where it belongs. She padded down the stairs, hoping the pain in her arm would subside before she had to grip her cutlery in an awkward position.
Everybody had already sat at the dinner table, except for Jane who was the one putting different plates on the table. She doesn’t look up when Tori sits down in the empty seat between Charlie and Oliver.
Charlie gave her a weird look, causing her to give a confused look back. He just shrugged his shoulders and continued to chop up one of the sausages into tiny, minuscule pieces.
She found it very hard to eat, with the pain in her arm and the sick feeling in her stomach. She kept wondering if Michael hated her or not.
After Higgs burned down in February, she had transferred to The Academy to finish sixth form. She hadn’t wanted to but she had no choice. It was there or Truham, and she really didn’t want to go to Truham, she had heard enough from Charlie.
It wasn’t bad, but it was school, so it wasn’t great either. Tori was counting down the days till Easter break, three more weeks. Why did Easter have to fall so late? She swore it was on purpose.
It was also three days until her birthday, but she did not want to think of that.
“Are you going to eat, Victoria? Or are you going to spend all night staring at it,” Jane commented.
Tori realised she had been zoned out this whole time, and now Oliver was no longer at the table, and the only other person with food still on their plate was Charlie.
“Sorry,” She picked up a piece of mash on her fork and took her first bite.
“So Tori,” Julio started. “Me and your mum have been talking about what to do for your birthday, do you have anything in mind?”
“No,” she did not want to talk about her birthday right now.
“We were thinking of having Michael round, how does that sound?” Jane asked.
Tori also really did not want to talk about Michael now.
“Fine,” she deadpanned, even though she didn’t think it was a good idea. She couldn’t voice it because then they would ask her why and she didn’t want to talk about it right now, or anything for that matter.
“We were thinking of going swimming next weekend, you know, since you loved it so much as a kid,” Julio said.
Tori dropped her fork making a loud bang.
“No.”
“Why not? We all think it’s a good idea. Oliver really wants to go,” Jane spoke. She always pulled the Oliver card.
“I don't want to, I cannot even remember how to swim.”
“You don’t need to remember, swimming is a skill that when you learn it once you don't have to learn it again,” Julio insisted.
Tori did not think that was true.
“I am not going swimming. You can if you want but it’ll have to be without me,” she stressed.
“I don’t see the big deal. You loved swimming, you used to want us to take you every weekend,” Jane said.
“Maybe when I was a child, but I am not anymore. And it’s my birthday and I do not want to do that.”
“Well I'm sorry but it’s already been arranged.”
“Mum,” Charlie said, firmly.
Tori pushed her chair back with so much force it scraped across the floor. As soon as she slammed her bedroom door, she opened her laptop to the tumblr homepage that was already open.
Tori hated birthdays.
–
Tori asked tumblr why people felt the need to celebrate birthdays. She always seemed to feel the same after her birthday was over, she didn’t think twelve year old her was much different to sixteen year old her.
When the clock ticked to midnight on Tuesday 5th April, she didn’t even notice she was no longer sixteen. She didn’t feel excited for her presents, like she used to feel when she was a kid. She didn’t feel seventeen. She didn’t feel anything but the fire that travelled through her veins, burning her insides to ash.
She should feel something, but she doesn’t.
She’s still awake when Oliver knocks on her door, eagerly, yelling ‘wake up’ even though she was never asleep in the first place.
She followed him downstairs, to see a pile of presents on the living room floor, as well as birthday banners on the door that said the cheesiest things like ‘ birthday girl today’ and ‘hip hip hooray it's your birthday’.
She entertains Olly until her parents and Charlie come downstairs at a reasonable time.
She opens her cards before school, one from her parents and Olly, one from Charlie, one from grandparents Nancy and Richard, One from grandparents Emilio and Kathleen, and one from her cousins Esther, Clara and Rosanna, each filled with lovely messages inside.
She gets the bus with Charlie to school, she normally hates getting it, but today she enjoyed the company.
Michael was waiting for her outside the school, nerves written all over his face. When he saw her, he grinned and handed her a blue birthday bag that said ‘wishing you a happy birthday’.
“You didn't have to get me anything,” she told him.
“I wanted to,” grin going even wider.
She opened the present to see a DVD of The Beauty And The Beast. Classic Michael.
It made her stomach hurt. “I wanted to apologise for when I ran away. I shouldn’t have done that.”
“It’s okay, I get it. You aren't ready to go further and I shouldn't have pushed you.”
“It’s not your fault. But, I have been thinking.”
“That’s never a good sign,” he joked.
“I don’t think I will ever want to have sex, with anyone ever. It’s called asexual,” Tori opened up, she thought he deserved an explanation as to why she was acting so weird.
“I have heard of that. And honestly, I don’t care about that, sex isn’t important. I know it is for some people but it isn’t for me. I just want to watch movies with you, and see you at my skating competitions.”
“So, you still want to date?” She asked.
“I mean yeah, only if you want to. I don’t really care about labels and if you don't want to-”
“I do.”
“Really! Wow okay. Well then Tori Annabel Spring, will you be my girlfriend?” He asked nervously.
“Sure.”
“Wait, does that mean our one year anniversary will be on your birthday?!” He asked, excitingly.
Tori smiled as the bell rang for form, the fire cooling down.
–
Tori didn’t know why her family would always wait for the weekend after your birthday to do stuff, but they always did. Last year, Olly had a massive party at Playworld the weekend after, and when it’s Charlie’s birthday he would invite his friends round for a sleepover.
That’s just how it was.
But Tori would never know what to do, so she would always just let her parents decide.
This year, she wanted to spend this weekend round Michael’s, but her mum wouldn't allow it. “You spend every day with him.”
She was so focused on going swimming despite Toris effort of convincing her not to.
Everytime she had a bath or a shower, her arm would sting in agony. She didn’t know the last time she took one. When she was in it, her mind would convince her that there was a fire downstairs, and that while she was washing, her whole family would die and it would be all her fault. She couldn’t risk that happening.
She tried it again last night, running the water for an hour before she gave up and got back into bed.
She ended up with five more burns on her arm.
She had started to pop the blisters from her old burns. The pain was like nothing else. It hurt more than actually putting a lighter to her skin. But that way the fire was physical, and not just in her head.
She felt like she was going crazy sometimes.
And putting her arm in a pool with chlorine will only make it worse.
Plus, everyone would be able to see the scars on her arm, because her old swimming costume that barely fit her did not have long sleeves.
She layed in bed, staring at the ceiling until it stared back. She had stared at it so much it felt like it had its own pair of eyes. The days of sleep she’d missed had started to catch up with her.
A gentle knock came from her door. “It’s Charlie. Mum says you have to come down for breakfast.”
She sighed and pushed the covers off her body. “Coming.”
The stairs were cold under her bare feet. She tried to ignore the awkward atmosphere as she walked into the kitchen. Jane, Julio and Charlie sat at the table, Olly must’ve already finished.
“Morning Tori, you sleep well?” Julio asked.
She nodded, even though she hadn’t slept at all, again.
She dropped two slices of bread in the toaster, and leaned against the kitchen counter.
“I’ve got your bag ready, you just need to put your swimming costume in it,” Jane said, eyes down on her phone.
“I’m not going swimming, I already told you this.”
“Not now, Tori. I’ve got a lot to do this morning.”
Charlie looked up at her, pulling his eyes away from the full bowl of cornflakes in front of him.
“I am not going,” Tori said again, more firmly than last time.
“Yes, you are,” Jane said, equally as firm.
“Why can’t she stay at home? I am,” Charlie questioned.
“Because you have a reason to. Tori just doesn’t want to leave the house.”
“That’s not why.”
“I’m just looking out for you. You should be having fun, but instead you're always in your room. That can’t be good for you.”
The toaster finally popped, she wasn’t hungry but she buttered it anyway.
“Jane, how about we just take Oliver to the leisure centre, I’m sure he won’t mind,” Julio suggested.
“Fine,” she snapped. “If Tori wants to be lazy, she can.”
Tori rolled her eyes and took the two pieces of toast up stairs, not that she would eat them.
She had to keep looking back, as she could hear the crackling of a fire behind her, but there was nothing.
When she flicked the lever down on the lighter, just to see the flame, a small, orange spark flickered out, but that was it. When she tried again, nothing happened. It was the same on the twentieth time and every time after that.
Fuck.
She needed something, anything. The sound of burning was getting closer, soon it would reach her room and she could never come out and everything she’d ever loved would be gone.
“Can I come in?” Charlie called from outside of the door.
Has the fire gotten to him yet?
“Y-yes,” her voice cracked. It never cracks.
When he walked in, Tori was still pressing desperately on the lever.
She needed a flame. She needed to do something, to protect her family.
Charlie stared at her, eyes wide open.
Why wasn’t he doing anything to stop the fire?
“Why do you have a lighter?”
Tori barely registered the question, determined to control the fire that roamed her body unwillingly.
“Fire.”
Charlie gave her a perplexed look. “Are you okay?”
He tried to take the lighter from her hands but she snatched it back. “No!” She shouted.
“What’s wrong?” fear present in his voice, the fire must’ve gotten so close he could see it.
“Fire,” she said again. Why was he asking her this? Smoke crawled under her door.
Her breathing quickened. Was this real or not? Was Charlie real? Was anything real?
Her left hand, which was not holding the lighter, hit her forehead as hard as it could. She needed to know what was real. The third time her hand hit her forehead, both of Charlie's hands wrapped around her left wrist.
Everything immediately changed, the sound was gone, as well as the smoke.
She flinched and took her hand out of his grip, yelling out in pain.
She had sworn some of her burns had gotten infected, they had become increasingly more red and swollen, as well as thick, yellowish pus would sometimes ooze out of it. The pain was unbearable but at least she knew what was real now. She bit her lip so hard she could taste the metallic flavour of blood.
“What’s wrong with your wrist?” Charlie asked, gentilly. For a second she forgot he was still here.
Tears trickled down her face, it was too much. The pain was too much. Everything was too much.
She wasn’t thinking straight.
She rolled up her sleeve to see how bad it was, Charlie following her hand.
Her arm was extremely scarred and disfigured, with large, irregular patches of reddened, blistered skin, covering the affected area. The skin around the burns were inflamed and swollen, with yellow pus-filled blisters and oozing wounds. The burn marks follow a distinctive pattern, making it easy for Charlie to see that Tori had done this deliberately and repeatedly with the lighter that had just run out. Tori winced when she tried to move her arm.
“Did you do this?” Tori wondered why he asked, he knew the answer. She nodded anyway.
“Why would you do this to yourself?” he asked, frantically.
She shrugged her shoulders, not lessening his fear.
“This looks bad. Really bad. We need to show Mum.”
Tori shook her head, quickly, there was no way she was showing Jane this.
“You don’t have a choice. You may have to go to hospital.”
She groaned. She despised hospitals, more than anything in the world.
“Tori, I mean it. Left untreated and you could…” he shook his head. “We need to talk to Mum.”
“She won’t take it seriously,” she replied groggily. “She never listens to me.”
“I know it feels like that, because of the argument you had, but she took me seriously when I told her. And you won’t be in pain anymore. They look like they really hurt.”
She nodded, they really did.
“You don’t have to say anything. Just show her the burns and, I'll be by your side the whole time,” Charlie promised.
She pondered over his plan, before nodding. She realised she doesn’t really have a choice.
They walked slowly down the stairs, Tori feeling dizzy all of a sudden. Charlie led the way, while Tori followed close behind. She had rolled her sleeve back down to take some of the pain away.
Their parents and Oliver were now in the living room, Jane fluttering around in a hurry as they had to leave in twenty minutes.
“Maybe this isn’t a good time-” She started to tell Charlie.
“We have something to tell you, It’s important,” he said before she could finish her sentence.
Tori shifted at the attention she gained. Charlie took Oliver to his room, before coming back to her side.
“What’s going on?” Jane asked, first.
“Did something happen?” Julio said, after.
Charlie signalled to her to lift up her sleeve, so she did. It took longer than it should have, the pain immediately getting worse when the air reached the burns.
Jane sucked in a breath as hers and Julio’s eyes stared at her arm.
“How did this happen?” She whispered. “Is this from the fire?”
“No. It has only recently gotten this bad. I use a lighter and…” she didn’t want to say the rest.
“So you’ve done this on purpose?” Jane’s voice getting deeper and louder, it swirled in her brain.
Tori shrugged her shoulders in response.
“Does it hurt?” Julio asked.
“Like hell.”
“I think we definitely need to get it checked out,” Julio looked at her arm closely, investigating it like it wasn’t real.
“I agree,” Charlie said, still next to her.
“Can you stay home with Olly please, Charlie,” agreeing with Julio.
“What? I want to go too,” he complained.
“I don’t want Olly to come to A&E. It will probably be a long wait till we actually see someone,” she explained.
He eventually agreed to stay home with him, but Tori wished he had come. He was the only other person she knew who hated hospitals as much as she did.
After waiting an hour in the hospital’s waiting room, a kind, female doctor took Tori to a triage room to evaluate the severity of her wounds.
She asked a range of different questions that Tori hated answering.
“How did the burns occur?”
“When did the burns occur and how long have you had them?”
“Have you received any medical treatment for the burns?”
“Are there any underlying stressors or triggers that may have contributed to the self-inflicted injuries?”
“Are you taking any medications that may affect wound healing or increase the risk of infection?”
“Do you have a history of skin conditions or previous burns?”
“Are you experiencing any pain or discomfort in the burned areas?”
“Do you have any numbness or tingling sensations in the burned areas?”
“Have you noticed any changes in sensation or mobility in the affected limbs?”
“Are there any associated symptoms, such as fever, nausea, or dizziness?”
“Have you sought help or support for any mental health concerns?”
And so much more.
After answering all her questions, Tori was then transferred to a different area within the ED, where she was seen by another nurse. She examined the depth and size of the burns, assessing the presence of blisters and noticing any signs of infection. She didn’t need to be told it was infected, it was clear as day that it was.
The burns were irrigated with saline solution to flush out any bacteria and contaminants.
She applied some sort of cream to the burns, to reduce the risk of infection. Then, non-adherent dressing was applied to protect the burns while they were in the process of healing.
She was given acetaminophen, a pain killer, to reduce the pain and discomfort she was feeling.
She sat in that room for a while. A nurse came in and asked her many questions about her mental health, her parents being somewhere else. She had to talk to her about the fire, and how it would appear in her room, or at school, and she would suddenly be back there again and again. She told her that was the reason why she started it in the first place.
She asked if she had suicidal thoughts, so she told her about the roof.
She asked if she had done any other forms of self harm, so she told her she would never. She told her about her brother and the night in October.
They talked about what Tori can do if she sees the fire again, like telling someone and asking if it’s real or not. Distracting herself if it isn’t. Tori told her how she would sometimes sit with Charlie in his room, not doing anything but taking comfort in the others company, because sometimes that’s all you need.
When her parents came back into the room, the nurse referred her to see a counsellor. She told them that Tori was showing signs of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and that therapy might help with her depression and self-harming thoughts.
Jane and Julio weren't surprised, as having gone through a similar situation with Charlie.
Tori would have a follow up appointment in a couple of weeks to see how the burns improve. She was given antibiotics to take to help with it healing.
It was dark when they drove home, having spent the whole day at the hospital. Tori felt exhausted and drained, and her arm was tingling uncomfortably.
–
After they had dinner that evening, Michael came round. Jane had allowed him to sleep over just this once, given the circumstances and that it was Sunday tomorrow.
Tori told him about what happened, Michael playing with her hair the whole time she spoke, knowing that she liked it.
He sat outside the bathroom door while she showered for the first time in weeks, talking to her about what had happened that day for him. Instead of thinking about the fire that could be happening, she focused on his voice, trusting him that he would tell her if something actually happened.
At night, they watched a film on her laptop. She rested her head on his shoulder, hands intertwined.
That night, Tori fell gently to sleep. The only heat she felt was Michael’s hand brushing against her skin.
For the first time since February, Tori slept peacefully.
–