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All Might never lost.
So when he actually did- it was the worst loss of all.
Everyone knew he couldn't win this fight, he was slower, more desperate, more reckless than usual.
You could tell the man himself was becoming afraid, that the man didn't think he could get out of it in one piece yet no one wanted to believe it.
People believed that there was no fight All Might couldn't win, no fight the symbol of peace couldn't end with a smile on his face. And maybe the man started to believe that too. He became too cocky, too confident, left undefeated for so long that he himself started to think he was invincible; and the people believed that too.
We all thought All Might would always be there. An undefeated symbol of peace. A protector of the people.
Toshinori was happy to let them believe that. To let the people have hope, even when he knew All Might was weakening by the day.
So when it finally happened.
Even if it was expected.
It was still strange to see a hero so great fall. Left humiliated, broken, and oh so human.
It happened so quickly too.
By the time anyone realized what was going on, there was a flash, the cameras cut out, and the next thing heard was that All Might was gone. But so was Toshinori.
For Yagi Toshinori and All Might were 2 very different people.
One was a teacher, a friend, a human.
And one was a symbol, an inspiration, and the greatest hero Japan had ever seen.
When he was pulled into the police station in the early hours of the morning, Katsuki had felt zero relief. He was sure he was going to be handcuffed, taken away and charged. At the very least he was at least expecting to be reprimanded, but he got zero.
He didn’t even feel any relief when his parents arrived, sitting at his side, concerned expressions on their faces. He was unbelievably tense when a solemn man with sort black hair asked him a series of questions, wrote down his answers and then… let him go.
They told his parents to get him home safe, told him to get some rest and then… just let him go.
Why?
Katsuki locked himself in his room the second he got home, glad to be away from the confines of the police station. He slipped under the covers, pulling them tight around him like he was trying to shut the world.
Over the next few days his dad tried relentlessly to coax him to eat, to get out of bed, to do anything.
Katsuki could hear him, he could feel his warm hand squeezing his shoulder, he could see the pained grimace on his dad’s face which told him that he was feeling the exact same hopelessness that Katsuki was feeling and yet he still didn’t move.
There was a weight on his chest pushing him down, forcing the air out of his lungs and rendering him motionless. The guilt was so heavy it had become a physical force tying him down.
The days blurred together. Morning and night passed without even a blink from Katsuki from outside his closed curtains.
Despite hardly leaving his bed the entire time, he doesn’t rest much at all. He drifts in and out of sleep randomly.
Blood and flashes of a face he wants to forget haunt him even in his dreams so Katuski wakes up more tired than he was to begin with.
His strict sleep schedule has pretty much gone down the drain.
Katsuki starts counting cracks in the ceiling to pass the time, but soon enough he loses motivation to even do that.
With nothing else to occupy his mind with he starts thinking. Thinking about what he could’ve done to avoid it, about how he could saved him.
All Might had saved so many people, and yet why had no one been there to save him when he’d needed it?
Why did the villains even capture him in the first place? Did they know Katsuki would be too weak to escape on his own? Did they know that All Might would come to save him? Was him being too stubborn to listen to his classmates for once and getting captured the reason All Might was dead?
Did he kill All Might?
Why did All Might have to die because of him? If he wasn’t so weak he would have never been captured, meaning All Might would have never tired to save him, meaning All Might would have never of fought that villain meaning All Might wouldn’t of lost and would still fucking be here.
All Might deserved to live way more than Katsuki did, All Might was the Symbol of Peace for god's sake. Why did he sacrifice himself for a stupid kid who couldn’t even prevent himself from getting taken by scar-face and his nobody friends? Why did it have to be Katsuki that lived? He should have just been left there to rot with the villains. It’s a fate Katsuki knows he deserves, but one he didn’t get. And now All Might has died and Katsuki has lived when he shouldn’t have.
Such questions swim around in his head constantly, always left unanswered and met with more ‘what ifs’.
Guilt is constantly creeping at the edge of his awareness, threatening to swallow him whole and suffocate him. The only reason it doesn’t is because Katsuki doesn’t dwell on it. He doesn’t let himself think about it for too long because when he does he feels his eyes start to burn and his hands start to shake and his heart feels like it’s going to explode in his chest so he forces it all deep down kenode of him where it belongs.
Katsuki can hear the TV from downstairs.
It’s constantly playing, like his parents were still clinging onto the hope that someone would announce the whole thing was just a cruel joke. Katuski can only assume they’ve been given zero closure as the TV continues to run all day and no one is running upstairs to give him any good news.
Eventually Katuski hears the muffled sound suddenly silent. He usually wouldn’t notice the change but he’s been so focused on thinking about anything but All Might that he’d started paying attention to things like that.
For a long moment no other noise occurs and it feels like the whole country is still in shock, keeping life paused.
It still sounded silly to say, that ‘the symbol of peace was dead.’ If someone told Katuski that just a week ago he’d laugh in their face. All Might never lost.
He hears the tell tale sound of someone coming up the stairs and he counts down the seconds until he hears a familiar knock on the door. He doesn’t answer, but he doesn’t need too because the person behind it opens it anyways.
“Oi, brat,”
He doesn’t answer.
“Katsuki...” His Ma says in a much softer voice that actually has him unfurling from the ball he’d tucked himself into. He looks up at her, red meeting red for a moment before he looks back at the wall. “Look at you, pale as a ghost.” She tuttered, shaking her head. Katsuki would usually reply with a snarky remark, brushing her off, but can’t find the energy to do that and her expression dampened even further.
Katuski pulls the covers over his head, trying to show her he doesn’t want to talk, that he’s done with the conversation, but it doesn’t work as he feels the bed dip under her weight as she sits down next to him.
“Don’t hide from me.” he hears her say before she slowly reaches for the blanket Katsuki had covered himself with, and after he doesn’t snap at her, she’s tugging it to reveal the face of the boy hidden beneath.
“There’s a service today… for All Might,” his mother says, like it isn’t obvious. Like that man’s face isn’t plaguing his mind. “I got an invite. Inko says all of your class got one too.”
“You want…” Katsuki’s voice comes out hoarse, a little strained from both dehydration and the lack of use. He clears his throat, coughing a little. “You want me to go?”
“If you want too…” she pauses, combing her hand through his hair. Katsuki quickly pushes her hand off, though she grins a little, like she was expecting it. “It might be good for you, seeing some of your classmates again?” she prompts.
His stomach churns, he doesn’t want to see their faces again, not really. But he can’t just not go, it’s the least he owes the fallen hero, but then again, would the man want the person who got him killed at his funeral? Shame swirls in his gut and he clenches his fists, choking out a quiet, doubtful, “Okay.”
As cliche as it was, by the time him, Ma and Pa had arrived at the memorial service it was just beginning to rain. Dad said it was as if the very universe was aware of what was going on today, but Katsuki was pretty sure that it was just the lingering spirit of All Might trying to chase him off.
The building itself was huge and there were cameras everywhere, broadcasting every second of it. His Ma had described it as if it was going to be a small gathering, a little wake maybe? Not the full on funeral. Though maybe she knew Katsuki wouldn’t want to come if she told him that.
He caught a glimpse Deku’s green mop of hair up at one of the rows by the front, his round, baby face scrunched and flushed as tears trickled down his puffed cheeks. He assumed the round lady holding a box of tissues was Inko, but he couldn’t quite tell, he hasn’t seen the woman face to face since he and the nerd stopped ‘hanging out’ in middle school.
It was odd.
Deku had always been there. A constant presence in his life, ever since he could remember. And Inko by account.
Even as they drifted apart, the stupid nerd was still there, although no longer by his side like when they were kids, but he was still nearby, still present.
Deku was like a dog playing a game of fetch with him. He’d chuck the ball made of insults and the boy would chase it, bringing it back made with weak compliments and desperate pleas of ‘Kacchan’.
Although Katsuki would snarl and snap, wanting the annoying little dog to go, for it to finally get he didn’t want to play fetch, he didn’t actually want Deku gone. He wanted the distance, yet still the feeling of familiarity, that when he’d look over his shoulder the boy would still be there.
Katsuki was selfish.
And if he was any less selfish he might have gone up to Deku, gave the boy his condolences, maybe apologized, but he didn’t.
It’s not that he didn’t want to say something. He just didn’t know what to say. And probably for the first time in his life Katsuki was tongue-tied.
What do you even say to someone who has just lost their childhood hero- their sensei? You can't tell them that 'everything's going to be okay' because everyone knows that, everyone says that.
So what else is Katsuki supposed to say? 'That he's in a better place?' That's a dumb thing to say, and it doesn't help. So Katsuki just doesn't say anything and he stays selfish.
Shame swirled in his gut once again and when he headed straight for his seat instead of going to greet his childhood friend, his parents followed behind him.
Katsuki sat near the back in between his mum and dad. He kept his head down low, the words of various nameless faces droning into the background.
The few times he looked up at the podium, he recognised some of the faces, one being a detective he’s sure questioned him at the station, the others being some of his teachers from UA.
And he must have zoned out or something because the next time he looked up at the podium, it was empty. People were standing, walking down the aisle towards the door and his eyes were oddly wet.
Some people were still sitting down, like Katsuki and his parents. He felt his dad put his hand on his shoulder and they stood up together, his hand gently guiding him out of the building with his Ma trailing along behind them, walking beside Inko and her son. When did they get there?
At some point Dad must have let go of his shoulder, because the next time he looks up, Dad, Ma and Inko have overtaken him and are walking side by side and he's now walking next to Deku.
Katsuki scowls at him, but Deku with his tear stained cheeks and watery eyes doesn't seem to be deterred as he smiles at him, making Bakugou scoff and look back down at the floor, stuffing his hands in his pockets. He doesn't know what to say, he doesn't want to say anything to the stupid nerd so he doesn't say anything at all.
And Katsuki thinks that was probably the most docile encounter they’re shared in years.
When they finally catch up to the parents, he sees Ma, Pa and Inko huddled together, talking in hushed tones. Deku’s mother is rubbing her hands together, but when her eye catches his own, his stomach churns uncomfortably.
She’s looking at him so softly , how can she look at him like that? Doesn’t she know what he’s done?
He freezes, and she must have taken it as some sort of sign as she’s stepping forward, wrapping her arms around him, pulling him close and hugging him. Katsuki can’t move, he can’t even push her away and when he makes eye contact with his dad over the short womens shoulder he just smiles at him.
“Oh Katsuki-kun. I’m so sorry. I know how much you loved All Might, almost as much as Izuku did when you were kids.” she says ever so gently, looking devastated, like she knows everything he’s thinking. ‘Too kind for her own good, Inko’ his mother would say. And then she’s pulling away and if she says anything else Katsuki can’t hear it over the blood rushing to his ears.
He feels vulnerable. Like someone has just stripped him bare and is broadcasting his thoughts. Is she mocking him? Does she know what he did and is just pretending? No, he doesn’t think Inko would do that. But he doesn’t know Inko. He doesn’t know and that’s making everything worse.
Does she think he’s mourning? But how can he mourn over a person he didn’t know? All Might was his childhood hero, but this funeral was for Toshinori. And Toshinori was a human. Yet both of them are dead. And Bakugou only knew the hero, the man who always knew what to say, a symbol that inspired and protected thousands.
He didn’t share an actual bond with either of the two and yet why does he feel so fucking upset?
His vision is blurry and he feels something wet roll down his cheeks. He doesn’t know when exactly he started crying, either.
Why is he wasting tears on someone he didn’t know? He doesn’t have a right to be sad over a stranger. A stranger whose death is his fault. God he’s so fucking weak.
He covers his face with his arm, rubbing his wet face with his sleeves as he feels hot hands grip onto his shoulders, guiding, trying to lead him somewhere, and like a blind puppy he lets them. He sees two sets of bright, concerned green eyes looking at him before someone shuts the car door.
The entire car ride back home is in silence. Katsuki feels his mother giving him odd glances, yet she never makes any attempt to speak to him.
When they finally arrived home, Katsuki didn’t even get a chance to lock himself in his room before Aizawa-Sensei was knocking on the door, still in his black and tie suit from the event asking for a quick word.
If it were any other situation Katuski would of found seeing his Sensei in anything formal somewhat funny, but seeing the solemn look on his face reminded him that Aizawa-Sensei didn’t just lose All Might, he lost Toshinori too, a colleague, a friend, and thinking about that made Katsuki feel so ill he had to look away.
When Sensei brought up the prospect of dorms, Ma and Pa don’t seem too enthusiastic at first, but when Katsuki doesn't say a word of protest Ma eventually agrees.
"It'll be good for you to see all your classmates after this." Dad offhandedly said, but he didn't want to see them. He didn’t want to face them again, not ever. But he didn’t say that when Aizawa-Sensei looked him in the eyes and asked him if he wanted to go back, as if he had some sort of choice.
He couldn’t run away even if he wanted to.
Not when every news station in Japan had broadcasted his name.
Everyone knew who he was and what he did.
Katsuki was a student in UA’s hero course and yet he was a murderer.
It was his fault All Might was dead.
He really was no worse than a shitty villain.