Something Great

by ReggiesProngs

Summary:

The marauders and co return to Hogwarts for their sixth year ready to start a new chapter in their lives.

Notes:

This fic is not supposed to be taken seriously. it is literally just me being stupid and creating chats between these bunch of morons and sharing them with the internet.

This fic is based around the marauders all doing their A-levels at Hogwarts (sixth and seventh year). The idea is that they are still on Hogwarts grounds but live and learn in separate buildings from those in the lower years.

For anyone unfamiliar with A-levels in the UK, students will typically choose to study three subjects (sometimes four) over two years.

Chapter 1: The very first day

1 September 

 

Regulus Black & Sirius Black

10:22 AM

 

[Siri] where tf are you

[Siri] REGULUSSSS

[Siri] broooooo

[Siri] brothereeee

 

1 missed call from Siri

1 missed call from Siri

1 missed call from Siri

1 missed call from Siri

 

[Siri] this is ridiculous

[Siri] i’m tearing up please answer your phone

[Siri] REGULUS

 

[Reg] OH MY GOD WHAT

 

[Siri] i think i put my charger in one of your bags

 

[Reg] fuck right off

 

[Siri] PLEASEEEEE

[Siri] i’d normally use James’ but he’s not here yet

 

[Reg] what about peter

 

[Siri] he’s not here yet

 

[Reg] remus?

 

[Siri] not here either

 

[Reg] guess you’re fucked then

 

[Siri] MY PHONE IS GONNA DIE

 

[Reg] i’m not coming over just to give you your charger

[Reg] buy one downstairs

 

[Siri] okay

[Siri] can you send me like ten quid please

 

[Reg] no?

[Reg] I’m trying to unpack

 

[Siri] found my charger yet?

 

[Reg] no

[Reg] are you sure you don’t have it

 

[Siri] yes I'm sure

[Siri] PLEASEEEE IM SO BOREDDDD

 

[Reg] fine

[Reg] I’m bringing Barty with me

 

[Siri] fine by me

[Siri] door should be open

 

[Reg] on our way

 

 

marauders

11:45 AM

 

[padfoot] can you lot hurry tf up

 

[prongs] there’s traffic mate

 

[moony] I haven’t even left yet

 

[wormtail] I’m still in line to get my keycard

[wormtail] some blonde fucker is flirting with the lady at the desk

 

[prongs] you’re blonde

 

[wormtail] stfu

 

[moony] Who is it?

 

[wormtail] idk it’s just the back of his head

[wormtail] I think the girl next to him is his sister

[wormtail] twins

[wormtail] didn’t know there was another set of twins here

 

[prongs] how do you not know

 

[moony] We’ve all been going to the same school for the past 5 years

 

[wormtail] I don’t cae much for other people

 

[padfoot] send a pic of him - regulus

 

[prongs] what’s regulus doing there?

 

wormtail shared 1 image

 

[padfoot] that’s evan - regulus

[padfoot] 1 voice message

[padfoot] go up behind him and blast that in his ear

 

[wormtail] no i will not

 

[moony] Who the hell is that

 

[padfoot] that was barty

 

[prongs] have you replaced us already

 

[wormtail] this evan bloke

[wormtail] he single?

 

[padfoot] I don’t know????

 

[wormtail] find out.

 

[padfoot] no.

 

[moony] why don’t YOU find out

 

[wormtail] he’s already gone

[wormtail] I’m coming up to the dorm now

[wormtail] sirius help me with my stuff

 

[padfoot] On my way!

 

[moony] Enthusiastic much

 

 

Bartys mum is sexy

12:05 PM

 

[Barf] evan

[Barf] regulus’ brothers friend thinks you have a juicy ass

 

[Regulus] no he doesn’t

[Regulus] he never said that

 

[Evan] which friend

 

[Barf] sirius had him saved as wormtail

 

[Regulus] that’s not his actual name

 

[Barf] you never know these days REGULUS

 

[Dorcas] you stfu BARTEMIUS

 

[Pandora] regulus can you help me with my stuff please

 

[Regulus] is evan not helping you

 

[Pandora] no because he’s a LOSER

[Pandora] isn’t wormtail the blonde one

[Pandora] peters his name right?

 

[Regulus] yeah

 

[Pandora] i think he was behind us in the line to get our keycards

 

[Regulus] he was

 

[Evan] what

[Evan] when

 

[Pandora] the entire time.

[Pandora] you were too busy flirting with the woman at the desk to notice

 

[Evan] i was TRYING to get us one of the trolleys so we didn’t have to carry our shit the entire way

 

[Pandora] she was at least 60

 

[Evan] Early 30s

 

[Pandora] born in the early 1930s maybe

 

[Regulus] Pandora where are you

 

[Pandora] i don’t know

 

Pandora shared their location

 

[Dorcas] when do our timetables come out

 

[Barf] i don’t think they told us

 

[Evan] they 100% did, just none of us were listening

 

[Dorcas] i’ll ask the girls

 

[Pandora] let us know please xx

 

[Dorcas] ofc x

 

 

HURRY UP

12:20 PM

 

[Marls] MARY IF YOU DONT GET A MOVE ON ISTG I WILL FLUSH GREG DOWN THE TOILET

 

[Lily] that’s a bit dramatic

 

[Mary] YOU CANT KILL MY FISH BECAUSE IM ARRIVING 20 MINUTES LATER THAN EXPECTED

 

[Lily] she won’t kill the fish

 

[Marls] yes i will

 

[Dorky] when do our timetables come out

[Dorky] marlene don’t kill her fish wtf is wrong with you

 

[Mary] yeah MARLENE

[Mary] idk cas x

 

[Marls] do we not get them the same time as normal?

[Marls] or is it different because we’re big kids now doing our A levels

 

[Lils] I can see if James knows, i got logged out of my emails because I keep forgetting my password

 

[Dorky] thanks lils

 

 

James Potter & Lily Evans

12:24 PM

 

[Lils] do you know when our timetables come out

 

[James] let me check

[James] Friday

[James] says that they’re gonna wait for students to confirm their subjects and alter any schedules accordingly so we can use the week to get settled and finish any summer work we didn’t do because they know we’re lazy shits

 

[Lils] thanks james x

 

[James] no worries :)

 

 

DONT KILL GREG

12:27 PM

 

[Mary] IF I COME INTO THE ROOM AND GREG ISNT IN HIS TANK IM CUTTING YOUR HAIR OFF IN YOUR SLEEP AND SELLING IT TO PERVERTS ONLINE

 

[Marls] PICK UP THE PACE THEN

[Marls] chop chop

 

[Dorky] that reminds me

[Dorky] can we get fish and chips tonight

 

[Marls] fried greg anyone?

 

[Mary] NO?

 

[Lils] they come out Friday cas x

 

Lils shared 1 screenshot

 

[Dorky] james is literally a lifesaver

[Dorky] invite him to ours i’ll buy him whatever he wants from the chippy

 

[Marls] will you buy my meal

 

[Dorky] no

 

[Marls] 🖕

 

 

Bartys mum is sexy

12:30 PM

 

[Pandora] i’m just saying that if i were to experiment with lesbianism, bartys mum would be the first on my list

 

[Barf] EXPERIMENT WITH LESBIANISM?

[Barf] you came out TWO YEARS AGO

 

[Pandora] and?

 

[Dorcas] timetables come out Friday guys

 

[Regulus] FRIDAY?

 

[Pandora] why so late?

 

[Evan] but it’s monday

 

[Dorcas] Apparently they'll send out an email to all of us about it tomorrow because they've realised no one was listening when they told us about it

[Dorcas] James must have emailed asking about it because thats how he knew

 

[Barty] thats because it was 6pm on a friday and we all wanted to go home

[Barty] what did the email actually say

 

[Dorcas] ffs hold on

 

Dorcas shared 1 screenshot

 

[Pandora] oops i haven’t done any of my summer work

 

[Barf] same

 

[Pandora] you’re so lazy

 

[Barf] ?????????

 

[Regulus] i was too busy running away from home to think about mine

 

[Evan] i completely forgot

 

[Dorcas] brilliant

[Dorcas] the girls and i are having a takeaway night if you lot wanna join

[Dorcas] we’re inviting james which means all 4 of them will come

 

[Pandora] what we having?

 

[Dorcas] chippy

 

[Barf] FUCK YEAH

 

[Dorcas] perf i’ll let them know you’re coming

 

 

DONT KILL GREG

12:37 PM

 

[Lils] okay so Remus, James, Peter and Sirius are all coming

 

[Marls] PETERRRRR

[Marls] LOVE OF MY LIFE

 

[Dorky] Pandora, Regulus, Barty and Evan are coming as well

 

[Marls] THE WIND BENEATH MY WINGS

 

[Lils] Pandora Rosier?

 

[Dorky] mhm

 

[Marls] THE TAYLOR TO MY SWIFT

 

[Lils] did you do that on purpose

 

[Dorky] nope

 

[Marls] SHES BLUSHINGGGGG

 

[Lils] NO IM NOT

 

[Dorky] send a selfie rn

 

[Lils] fuck off

 

[Marls] have you ever even spoken to her

 

[Lily] no

 

[Old Mcdonald] BOOOOOO

[Old Mcdonald] marlene change it back NOW

 

[Lils] leave me alone

 

[Marls] there’s no way we’re gonna be able to fit 12 of us in here

[Marls] there’s suitcases and bags everywhere

 

[Old Mcdonald] not counting my stuff which will be in there in around 10 minutes

 

[Marls] make it 5

 

[Lils] the boys dorm is a lot bigger than ours since we’re in doubles

[Lils] they’re all codependent and have separation anxiety so they got a 4 room dorm with a whole ass living area

[Lils] could definitely fit all of us in there

 

[Marls] perf

 

[Old Mcdonald] let them know we’re coming over there then

[Old Mcdonald] MARLENE

 

Marlene changed Old Mcdonald’s name to Mary

 

[Lils] okay

[Lils] and dorcas you let your friends know

 

[Dorky] UGH

[Dorky] Pandora and Barty just got into a heated debate i dont want to interrupt

 

[Mary] what’s the debate about

 

[Dorky] they hop topics every 2 minutes there’s no point trying to keep up with those two once they get started

 

[Mary] JUST MAKE ONE MASSIVE GROUP CHAT

[Mary] marls help me with my stuff

 

[Marls] FINALLY

 

[Lils] fine

[Lils] dorcas you add your friends

 

[Dorky] fine

 

 

New Group

12:55 PM

 

[Lily] Hey guys, there’s been a change of plans

 

[Peter] what kind of change

 

Dorcas added Regulus, Pandora, Evan and Bartemius to the group

 

[Sirius] WHORE

 

[Regulus] SLUT

 

[Sirius] BITCH

 

[Regulus] CUNT

 

[Mary] i love him already

 

[Peter] same, he’s my favourite

 

[Lily] we have no room in here for everyone

[Lily] so we’re all going over to the boys dorm

 

[Peter] ours or theirs?

 

[Remus] i’m assuming ours

 

Bartemius changed their name to ‘Barty’

 

[Regulus] that’s humiliating for you

 

[Peter] bartemius

 

[James] so you’re all coming round ours then?

 

[Lily] yes please

 

[Sirius] are we drinking

 

[Marlene] YES

 

[Remus] NO????

 

[Marlene] boooooo

 

[Remus] Sirius how do you expect to buy alcohol? Your fake ID got taken off you weeks ago

 

[Regulus] what a loser

 

[Sirius] what time are you all arriving

 

[Lily] who’s actually here on school grounds at this moment in time

 

[Mary] ME

 

[Marlene] ME

 

[Dorcas] It would be easier to ask who ISNT

 

[Remus] I think I’m the only one not there yet

 

[Marlene] chop chop moon boy

 

[Remus] Would you let that go

 

[Mary] absolutely not moonshine

 

[Marlene] moonbeam

 

[James] everyone come over whenever, Peter and I are just doing our summer work and Sirius is attempting to put up all his posters

 

[Peter] anyone who’s doing chemistry please come over and help

 

[Regulus] how hard is it

 

[Peter] tears are streaming down my face

 

[Sirius] reg come over i wanna see you cry

 

[Regulus]fuck you?????

[Regulus] omw peter

 

[Peter] you’re the love of my life

 

[Marlene] wait what is the chemistry summer work

 

[Peter] have you not looked at it

 

[Marlene] no of course not

 

[Peter] go look at it

 

[Marlene] fine

 

[Lily] have NONE of you done your summer work?

 

[Remus] I have

 

[Sirius] of course you have

 

[Remus] Don’t be a bitch

 

[Marlene] pete can i come over too

 

[Peter] bring diet coke

 

[Marlene] i don’t have any diet coke

[Marlene] will coke zero work for you, your highness

 

[Peter] fine

 

[Marlene] On my way!

 

[Mary] HA

 

2:35 PM

 

[James] i’ve been kicked out of the study group going on over here

 

[Lily] i’m sure they had a valid reason

 

[Peter] he kept flirting with regulus

 

[James] NO I WASNT

 

[Marlene] he was TRYING to flirt

[Marlene] poor thing

 

[Evan] “poor thing” regulus or james

 

[Peter] Regulus

 

[Marlene] obviously

 

[Dorcas] james come over here and help me with geography

 

[Peter] FUCK ME I FORGOT ABOUT GEOGRAPHY

 

[James] loserrrr

 

[Regulus] is that you trying to be mean

 

[Barty] how are you guys already STUDYING?

[Barty] lessons haven’t even started yet

 

[Pandora] summer work barty

 

[Evan] the work they’ve had WEEKS to do

 

[Pandora] you haven’t done yours either

 

[Evan] neither have you?

 

[Pandora] stfu

 

5:45 PM

 

[Peter] UPDATES!!!

[Peter] Regulus nearly launched himself over the counter to attack the poor man that was taking our order

 

[Sirius] WHY?

 

[Peter] he was being a dick

 

[Marlene] Regulus or the worker?

 

[Regulus] the worker

[Regulus] I got us 25% off our order and free bags of chips

[Regulus] you’re welcome

 

[Mary] ICON

 

[Marlene] i think regulus should always be the one to collect our food on our takeaway nights

 

[Peter] how often are these takeaway nights happening

 

[Dorcas] whenever we want

 

[Lily] it’ll be our thing that we do

 

[James] you said updateS

 

[Sirius] plural

 

[Regulus] oh some dude is flirting with Remus

 

[Sirius] what

 

[James] WHO

 

[Regulus] a stranger

 

[Peter] might call the police

 

[Marlene] SEND A PHOTO

 

[Lily] you can’t just take photos of strangers without their permission

 

Peter shared 12 images

 

[Lily] ffs peter

 

[Sirius] who is it

[Sirius] i don’t recognise him

 

[Regulus] idk

[Regulus] Pandora can you get sprite as well x

 

[Pandora] why was i sent on the drinks run

 

[Sirius] is remus flirting back?

 

[Peter] is lily not with you? i thought you two were going together?

 

[Pandora] she went to get plastic cups so we have stuff to drink out of

 

[Sirius] are they still talking?????

 

[Regulus] they’re snogging

 

[James] WHAT

 

[Sirius] you’re joking

 

[Evan] bitch ass liar

 

[Regulus] true

 

[James] don’t do that

 

[Peter] his name is grant apparently

[Peter] our foods ready

[Peter] on our way back now

 

[Remus] he was not FLIRTING we were just talking don’t be weirdos

 

[Lily] we’re coming back now too x

 

8:30 PM

 

Dorcas shared 1 image

 

[Sirius] BARTY GET OFF MY BABY BROTHER

 

[Regulus] DORCAS? DELETE THAT

[Regulus] we are the same age fuckwit

 

[Barty] CAN YOU NOT?

 

[Pandora] AHAH

 

[Peter] what on earth

 

[Lily] why are you sat on him

 

[Regulus] i took his ksowmdkwb eje skwuwine

 

[Sirius] ??????

 

[Remus] Are they fighting?

 

[Evan] fighting, making out, we’re not sure

 

[Sirius] SEPARATE THEM?????

 

[Barty] i’m gonna get him preggo

 

[Regulus] other way around hun x

 

[James] oh?

 

[Marlene] pervert

Chapter 2: Pete's great at bowling

2 September

 

New group

7:45 AM

 

[Sirius] WHO WANTS TO GO SHOPPING

 

[Mary] ME

[Mary] i need new skincare

 

[Remus] you can’t use what you have?

 

[Mary] i HAVE used what i have

[Mary] i have about a weeks worth left of a lot of my stuff

[Mary] so we’re going to boots

 

[James] who shops this early in the morning it’s ridiculous

 

[Regulus] can i come too? i didn’t grab many clothes when i left so my wardrobe is somewhat limited

 

[Sirius] of course you can

[Sirius] anyone else?

 

[Peter] i’ll come

 

[Pandora] same

[Pandora] wait are we going into town or the mall?

 

[Sirius] town

 

[Regulus] town

 

[Pandora] perf

 

 

James Potter and Peter Pettigrew

7:54 AM

 

[Jamie] PLEASE JUST SAY YOU'RE GONNA DRAG ME ALONG

 

[Pete] grow a pair and just say you want to go

 

[Jamie] not after i took the piss out of all of them for it

[Jamie] please just tell me to go

 

[Pete] why do you want to go all of a sudden

 

[Jamie] i need more socks

 

[Pete] really

[Pete] it’s not because a certain regulus black announced he was going??

 

[Jamie] of course not

 

 

New group

7:58 AM

 

[Sirius] okay so we can all meet at the bus stop at like 8:40???

[Sirius] i’ll drag james along because he’s good with getting around town

 

 

James Potter and Peter Pettigrew

7:58 AM

 

[Jamie] HAHAH SUCK ON THAT

 

[Pete] OH COME ON

[Pete] i was so close to giving in

[Pete] also i will not be sucking on anything

 

 

New group

7:59 AM

 

[Peter] i’ve gone into town just as much as james

[Peter] i know where i’m going

 

[Sirius] true

[Sirius] James you don’t need to come

[Sirius] unless you want to that is

 

 

James Potter and Marlene McKinnon

8:00 AM

 

[Marley] I SEE YOU TYPING

[Marley] FUCKING PUSSY

 

[Bob] PLEASE JUST FORCE ME TO COME IN THE GROUP CHAT

 

[Marley] wanky

 

[Bob] MARLENE

 

[Marley] JAMES

 

[Bob] PLEASE

[Bob] PLEASE

[Bob] PLEASE

[Bob] PLEASE

[Bob] PLEEK

 

[Marley] fine

[Marley] only because of the rachel berry reference

[Marley] can we rewatch glee at some point

 

[Bob] of course

[Bob] NOW PLEASE QUICKLY

 

[Marley] ALRIGHT

 

 

New group

8:02 AM

 

[Marlene] james is coming.

[Marlene] he promised to buy me new eyeliner because he BROKE MINE last time he was over my house

 

 

James Potter and Marlene McKinnon

8:02 AM

 

[Bob] NO I NEVER??????

 

[Marley] HAHAHAHHAHA

[Marley] I like the expensive shit too :)

 

 

New group

8:03 AM

 

[Sirius] okay great

[Sirius] so that’s me, mary, marlene, pandora, james, pete and reggie

[Sirius] anyone else?

 

[Lily] i’m staying here with remus

 

[Pandora] Evan and barty are still asleep

 

[Dorcas] i’ll come

[Dorcas] i’ve nothing better to do

 

[Mary] perfect

 

 

8:52 AM

 

 

[Dorcas] IM FUCKIN GPISHING MYSELF

 

[Lily] i’m sure they sell nappies in town

 

[Mary] IAKDOQ

 

[Barty] what happened

 

[Evan] did someone fall down the bus steps

 

[Peter] YEP

 

[Evan] Sirius?

 

[James] sirius fell down the stairs, peter turned around and saw what happened then laughed so hard he also fell down the stairs

 

[Peter] fucking worth it

 

[Regulus] barty guess what

 

[Barty] YOU DIDNT?

 

Regulus shared 1 video

 

[Barty] I LOVE YOU SO MUCH

 

[Sirius] LEAVE ME ALONE

 

[Remus] at least you’re laughing as you’re falling down the stairs

 

[Lily] it happens to the best of us sirius

 

[Sirius] you’ve fallen down the bus stairs too?

 

[Lily] of course not

 

[Sirius] brilliant

 

[Dorcas] Pandora cackling like a witch in the background is my favourite part

 

[Peter] my ass hurts

[Peter] someone kiss it better

 

[Regulus] Evan

 

[Evan] 💋

 

[Sirius] what about my ass

 

[Remus] 💋

 

[Sirius] oh stawp

 

 

10:04 AM

 

 

[Peter] Sirius

[Peter] YOU OWE ME £20

 

[Sirius] there’s no fucking way

 

[Remus] PETER?????

 

[James] STOP IT RIGHT NOW

 

[Lily] i’m so confused

[Lily] Nvm R emus just explained

[Lily] PETER WHO

 

[Marlene] WHAT?????????

 

[Peter] me and sirius both came out to each other in year 10 and made a pact that whoever goes on a date with a boy first, gets 20 quid from the other person

[Peter] after friday i’m expecting £20 transferred to my bank account

 

[Sirius] WHO IS IT

 

[Peter] 🤭🤭🤭

 

[Regulus] Gideon Prewett

 

[Peter] how the fuck

 

[Regulus] i saw it happen

 

[Peter] !?!?!!

 

[James] GIDEON PREWETT ASKED YOU OUT ON A DATE????

 

 

Peter Pettigrew and Regulus Black

10:11 AM

 

[Peter] where the fuck are you

 

[Regulus] i can see youuuuu

 

[Peter] WHERE

 

[Regulus] see the dashing young man standing by the fountain?

 

[Peter] yes i see him

[Peter] oh look you’re next to him

 

[Regulus] fuck you

[Regulus] get here now

 

[Peter] where are the others

 

[Regulus] looking for you probably

 

 

New group

12:02 PM

 

[James] you guys wanna meet us for lunch?

 

[Lily] where are you going?

 

[Peter] right now we’re all agreeing on nandos

 

[Remus] we’ll meet you there

 

[Sirius] atta boy

 

[Lily] that was cringe

 

[Pandora] Barty Evan are you both coming

 

[Barty] sure

 

[Evan] is gideon gonna be there

 

[Peter] no?

 

[Evan] okay just asking

 

[Barty] what time

 

[Sirius] around 1, we’re a bit far away so we should be there by the time you guys do

 

[Lily] see you soon then

 

[Mary] xx

 

 

Unholy Trinity

1:10 PM

 

[Reggie] what the fuck is up with you two

 

[Barty] nothing

 

[Ev] what?

 

[Reggie] you’re both stropping

[Reggie] it’s not attractive, cut it out

 

[Barty] i thought you said gigeon wasn’t coming

 

[Reggie] i said no such thing

[Reggie] and he didn’t come WITH us did he? he’s with his mates

[Reggie] on the other side of the restaurant

[Reggie] we can’t even see him from where we’re sat

[Reggie] and he hasn’t seen us

 

[Ev] i can hear him

 

[Reggie] wtf is your problem

 

[Barty] he’s annoying

 

[Reggie] so are you

 

 

marauders

4:37 PM

 

[wormtail] what do i wear

 

[prongs] you have all week to decide

 

[wormtail] i want to decide now

 

[padfoot] where is he taking you

 

[wormtail] i don’t know

[wormtail] he said it’ll be a surprise

 

[moony] awwwww so cute

[moony] die

 

[wormtail] !?!!?!?

 

5:56 PM

 

[wormtail] what if it’s a prank

 

[prongs] what?

 

[wormtail] what if it’s a prank

[wormtail] no ones ever asked me out before

[wormtail] no ones ever really taken an interest in me before

[wormtail] and gideon prewett is fucking hot

[wormtail] he could have anyone he wants

 

[moony] yes and he wants you

 

[wormtail] you know what him and fabian were like when they were in hogwarts

[wormtail] it’s probably all some big joke

 

[padfoot] pete he wouldn’t do that

[padfoot] he’s a good guy, he knows boundaries

 

[prongs] they don’t fuck around with peoples feelings

 

[moony] whenever they did pranks they wanted to be sure it made EVERYONE laugh, including the people being pranked

[moony] he wouldn’t do that

 

[prongs] and besides i don’t know if you’ve noticed pete but you’re well attractive

 

[wormtail] yeah alright

[wormtail] i think it’s the fact i don’t know where i’m going with him

[wormtail] i hate not knowing things

 

[prongs] i’m sure whatever gid has planned you’ll love it

 

[padfoot] and all 3 of us will be on standby to pick you up IMMEDIATELY whenever wherever

 

[wormtail] thanks guys

 

[moony] now let’s see what you’ve got

 

[wormtail] ok all of you come to my room

[wormtail] where are you guys actually

 

[moony] sirius and i are with lily and mary in mary’s room

 

[prongs] i was on a run, i’m heading back now i’ll be like 10 minutes

 

 

Gideon Prewett and James Potter

7:26 PM

 

[Gideon] Hey James, long time no see

 

[James] Alright Gideon? Having trouble planning a certain something?

 

[Gideon] Peter told you then?

 

[James] Regulus actually, he must have overheard

 

[Gideon] Gotcha

[Gideon] And yes

[Gideon] I have no idea what to do

[Gideon] I told him I’d surprise him by planning the evening but I don’t know what he’d enjoy

 

[James] he loves cliches

[James] he’s not a fan of big fancy restaurants and would much prefer actually doing something on a date yk?

 

[Gideon] so… not a sit down dinner then

[Gideon] bowling?

 

[James] only if you’re prepared to be absolutely fucking humiliated

[James] pete is ridiculously good at bowling

[James] last time we went as a group he got 6 strikes in a row

 

[Gideon] Oh yeah?

[Gideon] that’s kinda hot

 

[James] WHDOJW

[James] you two have fun then ;)

 

[Gideon] Thanks James, really

 

[James] it’s no problem

 

 

James Potter and Peter Pettigrew

7:39 PM

 

[Jamie] right idk where you are

[Jamie] but ik where gideon is most likely going to be taking you

[Jamie] i know he wants it to be a surprise, so i’m just going to say i know it’s something you’d definitely enjoy

[Jamie] but if you want me to tell you exactly where you’re going, i will

 

[Pete] how do you know?

[Pete] also i’m fucking about in tesco with Marlene

[Pete] 1 voice message

 

[Jamie] HEY MARLS

[Jamie] he may have asked me on advice on where to take you

 

[Pete] if you told him bowling i will literally snog you the second i get back

 

[Jamie] i don’t think he’d appreciate that very much

[Jamie] but yes

[Jamie] also i may have told him you love cliches

 

[Pete] HWODJWO

[Pete] tbh idc if you told him, i fucking love cliches

[Pete] i am kickass at bowling

 

[Jamie] you’ll have fun pete

 

[Pete] i hope so

[Pete] anything you want from here before marlene gets us kicked out?

 

[Jamie] haribo strawberries?

 

[Pete] 👍

 

 

Peters birthday 🫶🫶

9:17 PM

 

Sirius added Regulus, Pandora, Evan and Bartemius to the group

 

[Regulus] BARTEMIUS

 

[Bartemius] SHUT UP

 

[Pandora] when is peters birthday?

 

[Sirius] September 9th

[Sirius] one week

[Sirius] on the second day of school

 

[Remus] technically TODAY is the second day of school

[Remus] so more like the second day of actual lessons

 

[Sirius] second day of lessons* my bad

 

[James] we’ve planned a party for the saturday after his birthday

[James] and you lot are coming

[James] but also you’re helping set up

 

[Remus] we’re all going, plus a few other people. Peter doesn’t really like massive parties where he’s the centre of the attention

[Remus] unlike a few people here

 

[Marlene] i’m fucking brilliant

 

[Sirius] so real

 

[James] for anyone new here

 

[Regulus] literally just the 4 of us that are 'new here'

 

[James] we only ever use this group chat to discuss a persons birthday

[James] it’s not to chat shit

[James] when that persons birthday has passed, they are added back to the chat and whoever is next is removed

[James] in this case it will be regulus and sirius

 

[Pandora] its like a cult

 

[Evan] so many rules omf

 

[Sirius] Regulus WE are having a massive party

 

[Regulus] if you say so

 

[James] understand the rules?

 

[Pandora] don’t chat shit and if your birthdays next, you’re out

 

[Remus] yep

 

[James] there’s a bit of a gap between dorcas and marlenes birthdays so we just leave the planning for hers until the middle of july

 

[Marlene] when it gets to my 18th you’ll be needing all 4 months to plan it

 

[Bartemius] July 9th here

 

[Lily] OH YEAH

[Lily] When are your birthdays?

[Lily] well

[Lily] pandora and evan

[Lily] we know yours regulus

[Lily] and bartys now

 

[Evan] JANUAHEY IFETA

 

[Pandora] JANUARY FIRST

[Pandora] HAHA WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT

 

[Evan] I CANT TUPE FAST LAWVE ME ALONW

[Evan] Still beat you to it tho

 

[Pandora] clearly.

[Pandora] do the rules of not chatting shit apply to the people still in the chat

 

[Remus] nope

 

[Regulus] evan you’re such a pillock

 

[Evan] WTF?£?!

 

[Pandora] On a scale of 1 - Lea Michelle, how illiterate are you

 

[Sirius] HA

 

[Mary] ANYWAY

[Mary] party is at Alice’s

[Mary] it’s invite only

[Mary] so we know who’s gonna be there

 

[Marlene] or who is SUPPOSED to be there

 

[Lily] Remus is on guard dog duty

 

[Remus] SLAY

[Remus] sirius took my phone

 

[Regulus] i’m guessing ours is gonna be an open invite

 

[Sirius] yep xoxo

 

[Regulus] fantastic

 

[James] sarcasm?

 

[Regulus] no

 

[James] oh! that’s great

 

[Mary] James...baby…

 

[Lily] you sweet sweet thing

 

[Bartemius] it’ll take him a while to get used to regulus

Notes:

Peter being the oldest of them all makes so much sense to me.

FYI - Regulus and Sirius are twins because I said so and I wanted them all to be in the same year group which means Regulus is one of the oldest as well

I just love complicating things for myself

Also, I have my first A-level exam on Monday, I am NOT ready at all.

Chapter 3: Backflips and Spiders

5 September

 

New group

5:32 PM

 

[Lily] when is he picking you up

 

[Peter] 28 minutes

 

[Marlene] Pete you’ll be fine

 

[Peter] i know i will

 

[Mary] OH THIS IS SO CUTE

 

[James] we took pictures

 

[Peter] this isn’t my first time going on a date guys.

 

[Sirius] no but it’s your first time being taken out on a date

[Sirius] i feel like a proud mum

 

[Marlene] why not proud dad

 

[Mary] CAN I BE THE PROUD DAD?

 

[Sirius] oh yes

[Sirius] wife me up macdonald

 

[Lily] why not two mums

 

[Dorcas] or two dads

 

[Lily] homophobia?

 

[Marlene] because daddy durkheim says same sex families are failures at socialising children

 

[Peter] NUCLEAR FAMILIES FOR DA WINNNNN

 

[James] was it durkheim?

 

[Marlene] it was one of the old fuckers

 

[James] i’m so excited

 

[Sirius] same

[Sirius] i’m literally on the edge of my seat

 

[Peter] can you stop

 

[Pandora] are you guys not at your room?

 

[Peter] they were pissing me off so i banished them to Lilys room

 

[Remus] not me tho

[Remus] i’m cool like that

 

[Marlene] I CANT WAIT

 

[Dorcas] 20 minutes

 

[Mary] any last minute advice for our darling peter?!!?

 

[Marlene] if he asks you to pull his finger, don’t

 

[Regulus] marlene how old are you

 

[Pandora] if things get awkward i normally just start listing off facts until it sparks a conversation

 

[Evan] since when have you been on a date

[Evan] why haven’t i known about this?

[Evan] with who????

 

[Mary] i’d say shagging on the first date is always a no go

 

[Peter] shagging in general for me is a no go

 

[Evan] really?

 

[Peter] yeah

[Peter] problem??

 

[Evan] NO no problem

[Evan] would be a bit hypocritical of me if i were to have a problem

 

[Peter] no way

[Peter] i can feel us bonding already

 

[Mary] i hope i didn’t make you uncomfortable with that Pete, i didn’t know

 

[Peter] you’re all good mary don’t worry about it xx

 

[Mary] <3

 

[Remus] 5 minutes

 

[Peter] STFU

[Peter] i’m turning my phone off

 

[James] NO?

 

[Sirius] ABSOLUTELY NOT

 

[James] PETER DONT YOU DARE

 

[Barty] woah?

 

[Mary] dramatic much

 

[Peter] what on earth???

 

[Regulus] bet you ANYTHING they’re planning on stalking you on life 360

 

[Barty] don’t mention life 360 PLEASE

 

[Peter] can we talk about ANYTHING else

[Peter] i’m nervous enough as it is

 

[Regulus] can we talk about how evan once fell out of a two story window trying to get away from a spider

 

[Marlene] WHAT

 

[Dorcas] STOP IT I FORGOT ABOUT THAT

 

[Pandora] i’ve never ever forgotten about it

[Pandora] i took a picture of him from the window as he was lying on the floor and it was my lockscreen for over a year

 

[Mary] find it now.

 

[Pandora] on it 🫡

 

[Evan] STFU

[Evan] THAT THING WAS MASSIVE

[Evan] AND I DID NOT FALL OUT

 

[Regulus] you JUMPED out

 

[Barty] i can tell you that’s 110% worse

 

[Peter] how big was it

 

[Barty] wanky

 

[Regulus] it was microscopic

 

[Evan] the size of my hand

 

[Pandora] i think you might have been hallucinating

 

Pandora shared 1 image

 

[Marlene] OH MY GOD?

 

[Dorcas] HAHA

 

[Sirius] that’s insane

 

[Lily] stop what tf is he wearing

 

[Evan] Regulus’ clothes

 

[Regulus] i’m wearing Evan’s, you can see me in the bottom right corner on the floor laughing

 

[James] why are you wearing each others clothes

 

[Regulus] for the laughs

 

[Pandora] this is the spider he almost killed himself over

 

Pandora shared 1 image

 

[Peter] that’s tiny wtf

 

[Marlene] thats what she said

 

[Evan] we could ALSO talk about the time Barty thought it would be really funny and cool to do a backflip off my desk and he ended up just falling backwards and knocked himself out

 

[Sirius] WHAT?

 

[James] STOPWJI

 

[Mary] OMFG

 

[Regulus] i had it on video but SOMEONE stole my phone and deleted it

 

[Pandora] “Watch this guys, it’s gonna be so cool!”

 

[Barty] that’s not funny

 

[Pandora] it really really is

[Pandora] i can laugh about it now

 

[Dorcas] you laughed about it then too

 

[Regulus] she laughed so hard that no sound was coming out just tears streaming down her face

 

[Barty] AS I WAS UNCONSCIOUS ON THE GROUND

 

[Peter] were you alright

 

[Barty] no

[Barty] i am now tho

 

[Peter] good

[Peter] OAKAY HSA NOW GTG BUE

 

[Remus] that translates to “okay he’s here now gtg bye”

 

[Lily] WE LOVE YOU PETE

 

[Sirius] DONT DO ANYTHING I WOULD DO

 

[Mary] UPDATE US

 

[James] STAY SAFE

 

[Marlene] BRING ME BACK SOMETNING FROM THE ARCADE

 

[Remus] TRY NOT TO EMBARRASS HIM TOO MUCH XX

 

[Sirius] what do we do now

 

[Pandora] we wait for updates

 

 

7:43 PM

 

 

[Peter] i’m currently winning

[Peter] i’m fucking awesome

[Peter] he’s so hot i wanna die

 

[James] AHKQKDOQKAO

 

[Sirius] WHERE IS HE WHY ARE YOU TEXTING WHATS JAPPENEINGJWOAKSKQN WNKSQNO DIDJQ

 

[Peter] he’s gone to get us a refill on our drinks

 

[Lily] what a gentleman

 

[Mary] i love gideon so much

[Mary] such an icon

 

[Peter] stfu he’s coming back bye

 

[Marlene] we will NOT stfu

 

[Mary] this is so exciting

 

[Marlene] my baby pete all grown up on a date

 

 

8:56 PM

 

 

[Peter] okay we’re on our way back now

[Peter] should be around 40 minutes, there’s loads of traffic

 

[Sirius] HOWS IT GOING

 

[Marlene] sirius you’ll probably hear about it when he gets back

 

[Mary] considering you guys LIVE TOGETHER

 

[Lily] please don’t ambush him the second he walks through the door

 

[James] oh we will

 

[Regulus] sirius are you watching him on life 360

 

[Sirius] yes

 

[Dorcas] stalker much???

 

[Sirius] just making sure he’s on the right way home

 

[Pandora] anyone in my psychology?

 

Pandora shared 1 document

 

[James] OMF I FORGOT ABOUT SCHOOL

 

[Barty] fuck meeeee

[Barty] why did i choose economics

 

[Regulus] because EVAN chose economics

 

[Evan] ur obsessed

 

[Mary] i feel unwell

[Mary] who the hell does economics

 

[Evan] i’m doing Economics, business, maths and further maths

 

[Marlene] YOURE DOING FOUR??????

 

[Evan] yep

 

[Lily] Marlene babe, so am i

 

[Remus] and me

 

[Marlene] you lot are mental

[Marlene] actually insane

 

[James] wait lily what four are you doing

 

[Lily] History, Psychology, Biology and English lit

[Lily] Pandora i’m in your psych x

 

[James] i’m in a different psychology class what the fuck

 

[Regulus] you’re doing psychology?

 

[James] yep

 

[Sirius] £50 to whoever can guess what subjects i’m doing

 

[Barty] Art, Drama, Criminology

 

[Sirius] wtaf

 

[Remus] LMFAO

 

[Barty] am i right??

 

[Sirius] yes.

 

[Barty] i’ll message you my bank details

 

[Sirius] i’m not giving you 50 quid

 

[Barty] why the fuck not

 

[Sirius] you must have cheated

 

[Barty] no, you’re just predictable

[Barty] you did art and drama at GCSE, both of which you got a 9 in. when i was at your dorm on Monday you were banging on about how you were taking an “ology” subject, so that narrowed it down to psychology, sociology and criminology. You said you were upset you and james had no classes together so that ruled out psychology, you have no interest in sociology as a subject since you zoned out when james, pandora, mary, marlene and peter were talking about them taking it at GCSE, so that left criminology

 

[Remus] wtf

 

[Evan] damn

 

[Marlene] i’m strangely turned on rn

 

[Dorcas] AHQDI

 

[Sirius] did you actually work all that out

 

[Barty] no reg told me

 

[Regulus] BAHWIODQO

 

[Marlene] i already hate chemistry

 

[Regulus] same

[Regulus] i regret it already

 

[Mary] i regret all my choices

[Mary] my history exams alone are gonna be over 3 hours long

 

[Barty] three hours?????

 

[Evan] damn

 

[Mary] well for me they’re 3 hours

[Mary] i get extra time

 

[Evan] you do?

[Evan] did you get it for GCSE?

 

[Mary] mhm

[Mary] i was in a separate hall for all my GCSE exams because i have a reader 

 

[Evan] a reader?

 

[Mary] someone who reads out the questions to me if i want them to

 

[Marlene] FUCK ME YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN IN THE GREAT HALL DURING PHYSICS PAPER 1

 

[Sirius] STOP IT

[Sirius] DONT MAKE ME THINK AGOUT IT

 

[James] IT HAPPENED RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME

 

[Mary] STFU

[Mary] i don’t wanna hear it

 

[Regulus] i still don’t understand how i didn’t hear snapes table collapsing

 

[Barty] i remember looking right over to you when it happened and you were writing away like normal

[Barty] EVERYONE looked to see what had happened

 

[Marlene] i genuinely peed a little from silently laughing too hard

 

[Lily] JWOFJWO

 

[James] the way he just sat there in his seat looking at his table on the floor not knowing what to do

 

[Pandora] his paper had flown all the way down the hall as well

[Pandora] it landed right next to me

 

[Remus] james you should have seen his face

 

[Marlene] HE WAS FUCKING MORTIFIED

 

[Mary] Marlene is snorting now with how much she’s laughing

 

[Marlene] I CANT

 

[James] anyone remember slughorn burping during the english mock

 

[Remus] isn’t that what started “professor foghorn”

 

[Mary] even i heard it and i was in the next room

[Mary] it fucking echoed

[Mary] i remember looking at emmeline thinking the world was ending

 

[Regulus] genuinely thought the man was about to be sick

 

[Marlene] NO STOP IT

[Marlene] I cried during that entire mock

[Marlene] i remember being so distraught then just hearing the most revolting possible sound coming from my right and seeing slughorn cover his mouth with his hand and go “pardon me”

 

[Sirius] You cried during EVERY mock exam

 

[Marlene] you filthy liar

[Marlene] I didn’t cry during the sociology ones

[Marlene] because i am amazing

 

[Pandora] liar

[Pandora] you cried during paper 2

[Pandora] i remember me and you fixing our eyeliner in the bathroom afterwards while ranting about the questions

 

[Marlene] damn i forgot you were here

 

[James] PETERA HOME

 

[Lily] OHMYGOD

 

[Mary] WHATS HAPPENING

 

[Sirius] they’re talking outside the door

 

[Marlene] WHATS BEING SAID

 

[Remus] it’s all muffled

 

[Evan] do all 3 of you have your ears pressed up against the door

 

[James] no

 

[Remus] no

 

[Sirius] yes

[Sirius] i hear kissing

 

[Regulus] you shut your mouth

 

[Mary] HELLO WHATS HAPLENING

 

[Marlene] I FEEL SO ON EDGE

 

[Dorcas] yk we could all just come over

 

[Lily] HELLO

 

[Peter] marlene you also cried during sociology paper 1 during the february mocks, don’t lie

 

[Marlene] ffs

 

[Peter] anyone who wants a debrief, get your ass over here

 

[Lily] was it a good night?

 

[Peter] absolutely

 

[Dorcas] we’re bringing popcorn and haribos

 

 

6 September

 

 

New group

2:04 AM

 

Pandora shared 1 video

 

[Barty] FUCK YOU OMG

 

[Peter] imagine not being able to do a backflip

 

[Barty] i can do a backflip

 

[Peter] doesn’t look like it there mate

 

[Pandora] get rekt

 

[Barty] I WAS NINE

 

[Peter] NINE AND TAKING CARE OF YOU

 

[Regulus] TAKING CARE OF ALL OF US

 

[Peter] i’m sending you all the shameless edits that come up on my fyp now regulus

 

[Regulus] mickey is my spirit animal

 

[Barty] both of you stfu

[Barty] i can do a backflip NOW obviously

 

[Marlene] do it then

 

[Barty] i’m not stretched

 

[Peter] so many jokes

[Peter] so many

[Peter] I CANTKWODKW

 

[Marlene] is that dorcas wheezing in the background of the video

 

[Barty] yes

[Barty] they were all laughing until they realised i was literally UNCONSCIOUS then evan and dorcas actually went and got help

 

[Peter] what did regulus and pandora do

 

[Pandora] drew on his face

 

[Regulus] i took so many photos

 

[Lily] you had phones at the age of 9?

 

[Pandora] i didn’t

[Pandora] regulus did

 

[Regulus] perks of being rich

 

[Pandora] i AM rich?

 

[Regulus] not as rich as me

 

[Lily] jesus christ

Notes:

A levels are slowly killing me off BUT i'm almost done now.

Marlene, Evan, Peter and Pandora, our dramatic and emotional blondes <3

Chapter 4: See you in detention, sweetheart

8 September

 

New group

6:02 AM

 

[Mary] I HAVE TO LOOK HOT ASF FOR SCHOOL

 

[Barty] REAL

 

[James] i wonder why

 

[Lily] James why the fuck are you up this early

 

[James] Sirius woke me up

 

[Sirius] first day of school means best outfit of the year

[Sirius] first impressions guys

 

[Evan] “first impressions” on the people we’ve been going to school with for 5 years?

 

[Mary] yeah but we were all wearing uniform

 

[Sirius] gotta let people know i usually dress like a fucking model

 

[Evan] you act like we weren’t allowed to wear normal clothes on the weekends and after classes

 

[Sirius] yeah but this will be in lessons

 

[Mary] it’s different alright

[Mary] sirius i get you

 

[Sirius] you always do mary x

 

[Dorcas] STFU

[Dorcas] i have at least another hour before i have to get up

 

[Mary] so i have 3 possible outfits

[Mary] and i can’t choose

 

Mary shared 3 photos

 

[Regulus] third one 100%

 

[Mary] you think??

 

[Lily] ABSOLUTELY

 

[Marlene] i did tell her the third one and she told me to stfu

 

[Mary] third one it is

 

8:01 AM

 

[Peter] you lot are insane

[Peter] waking up at 6

 

[Marlene] i look hot tho

[Marlene] and we took photos

 

[Pandora] can we see

 

[Mary] we’ll share the album with you

 

[Evan] b99 reference?

 

[Marlene] evan ur becoming my favourite

 

[Peter] idgaf BECAUSE I TURN 17 TOMORROW

[Peter] we’re having a sleepover round ours

[Peter] and we’re all playing doors

[Peter] everytime we get to the library, James pussies out so i have to do it on my own

 

[Barty] I AM SO FUCKING GOOD AT DOORS

 

[Pandora] I LOVE IT

[Pandora] last time we played, evan nearly pissed himself because he couldn’t hide in time

 

[Evan] YOU NEVER TOLD ME WHAT THE FLICKERING LIGHTS MEANT

 

[Regulus] i told you to get in the closet and you kept repeating “No, i’m out and im proud”

 

[Peter] well now you know

[Peter] we’re all playing doors and we’re all racing to see who can get the furthest

 

[Barty] me, you, pandora and Regulus on one team then

 

[Remus] how many on a team?

 

[Regulus] 4

[Regulus] have you never played doors?

 

[Remus] no

 

[Mary] oh i HAVE to see this

 

[Lily] you lot better get a move on because lessons start in 10 minutes

 

[Sirius] HAIWJFKWO

 

[James] EVERYONE MEET AT MAIN DOORS FOR LUNCH????

 

[Marlene] YEAP

 

[Regulus] losers

 

10:44 AM

 

[Peter] fuck me i hate school already

 

[Lily] you’ve got another hour to go before lunch yet

 

[Evan] hour and 13 minutes

 

[Barty] UGH

 

[Peter] wanna play roblox during break

 

[Barty] YES???

[Barty] what’s your user

 

[Peter] peteythepirate

 

[Marlene] what are we doing for lunch

 

[Sirius] i want a meal deal

 

[Remus] Do you mean you want a red bull?

 

[Sirius] yes

 

11:54 AM

 

[Barty] LUNCH TIME FUCKWITS

 

[Mary] how come you got let out early

 

[Marlene] i am STARVING

 

[Peter] can you guys hurry tf up

[Peter] it’s literally just me and barty

 

[Barty] we’re gonna leave without you

 

[Regulus] your classes were literally right by the front doors AND you got let out early give us a minute

 

[Peter] we’ve left without you

 

[James] ffs

 

[Sirius] we’ll meet you guys at tesco

 

 

Bartemius Crouch Jr and Evan Rosier

12:03 PM

 

[Evan] Why didn’t you wait

[Evan] bellend

 

[Barty] literally EVERYONE is gonna be going to tesco on the first day

 

[Evan] so??

 

[Barty] SO WE WANTED TO GET THERE FIRST SO WE DONT HAVE THE SHIT OPTIONS LEFT

[Barty] - Peter xoxo

 

[Evan] Barty get me my usual PLEASE

 

[Barty] fine

 

 

New group

1:25 PM

 

[Marlene] i hate school

 

[Mary] only 2 hours left hun

 

[Sirius] ITS TOO LONG

 

[Peter] REMUS I SEE YOU TYPING

[Peter] stfu

 

[Remus] it wasn’t even that bad of a joke

 

[Evan] “It’s too long” title of your sex tape

 

[Marlene] omg i’m watching b99 on my ipad rn

 

[Lily] pay attention marlene

 

[Marlene] no

 

[Sirius] afterwards can we all go shopping for tomorrow

 

[Peter] i demand mini marshmallows for hot chocolate

 

[Evan] how are we going to make hot chocolate

 

[James] we have a kettle

 

[Barty] of course you do

 

[Regulus] how you morons got the best dorm in the school is beyond me

 

 

marauders

2:21 PM

 

[wormtail] gideon’s just asked me if i’m busy tomorrow

[wormtail] not sure how i’m supposed to react

 

[prongs] ???

 

[padfoot] he should know you’d have plans already made for your birthday

 

[moony] hes going to your party this weekend, maybe he thinks that we’re celebrating then and you’ll have free time tomorrow

 

[wormtail] tf do i say help

 

[padfoot] that you’ve got plans but you’re free the days after

 

[wormtail] and that won’t come off as rude?

 

[prongs] he knows you’re in school until 3:30 and that you have a shit tonne of close friends that are gonna want to spend your birthday with you

[prongs] he’ll understand that

[prongs] most likely just wants to see you to wish you a happy birthday

 

[padfoot] if you want he can come round for a bit

 

[prongs] YEAH

[prongs] he can get us a discount on pizza

 

[moony] ???

[moony] i thought it was fabian that works at domino’s

 

[padfoot] they’re identical twins

[padfoot] WE might be able to tell the difference but most people can’t

 

[prongs] he just has to pretend he’s fabian to get the discount

 

[wormtail] okay i’ll tell him we’re chilling at ours after school since we’re having a party to celebrate with everyone on the weekend, and that i’d like it if he’d join us

[wormtail] fuck off im not asking him to impersonate his brother to get us cheaper pizza

 

[prongs] i’ll ask him then

 

[wormtail] JAMES NO

 

[prongs] not now

[prongs] tomorrow

 

[wormtail] ffs

[wormtail] right i’ve almost gotten caught on my phone like 20 times someone let the gc know

 

[padfoot] on it 🫡

 

 

New group

2:34 PM

 

[Barty] STFU

 

[Pandora] GREAT comeback, you’re losing your touch

 

[Barty] you seriously cannot believe that rachel should’ve gotten off the plane

 

[Pandora] SHE WOULDNT HAVE BEEN HAPPY ALL ALONE IN PARIS

 

[Barty] did she tell you that?

 

[Regulus] GUYS OMFG

 

[Mary] i see what you mean now Cas

 

[Pandora] would YOU be truly happy to move away from the love of your life and all your friends to the other side of the world for a job

 

[Barty] that’s a whole other discussion

[Barty] it wasn’t just a job it was her CAREER

[Barty] a chance to work in PARIS when in the fashion field for one of the most famous brands in the world is an insane opportunity

 

[Evan] pandora have you learned nothing, they literally had an argument over him saying her work was “just a job”

 

[Dorcas] fuck me now evan is in on it too

 

[Evan] nope

 

[Barty] EXACTLY

 

[Pandora] once again SHE WOULDNT HAVE BEEN HAPPY IN PARIS

 

[Barty] she was gonna work for GUCCI??!??

 

[Pandora] she was already working for RALPH LAUREN

 

[Barty] those are NOT on the same level

 

[Pandora] obviously not, gucci is crap, ralph lauren is fucking class

 

[Barty] OH ABSOLUTELY NOT

 

[Sirius] gideon’s joining us tomorrow

 

[Marlene] FUCK YEAH

 

[Lily] for the whole night? x

 

[James] probably not

 

[Regulus] how the fuck

 

[Sirius] what?

 

[Dorcas] HOW DID YOU MANAGE TO SHUT THE TWO OF THEM UP

 

[Regulus] we could pry their phones out of their hands and they’d just whip out their laptops and start emailing each other

 

[Evan] this is unheard of

 

[Pandora] barty was typing so i was ready to hear his lame ass reasoning as to why he thinks gucci is better than ralph lauren but i guess we’ll never know

[Pandora] i won this one

[Pandora] regulus update the score board

 

[Regulus] i’m in a lesson??

[Regulus] what time is gideon gonna be there

 

[Sirius] not sure

 

[Marlene] is he staying for food?

 

[James] yeah

 

[Lily] what are we having?

 

[Peter] PIZZA

 

[Marlene] did you invite gideon just so he could use fabians staff discount?

 

[James] no of course not

 

[Peter] he’s gonna come round at 5:30, we’re gonna have to sneak him in

 

[Sirius] we could sneak him in under a blanket

 

[Lily] we aren’t 8

 

[Marlene] you’re supposed to be “the greatest pranksters of all time”

 

[Dorcas] that was low-key shit sirius

 

[Mary] high-key*

 

[Sirius] IM NOT GOOD AT PLANNING THE DETAILS ALRIGHT

 

[Barty] your gryffindorness is showing

 

[Pandora] Ravenclaws for the win

 

[Barty] we’re so outnumbered dora

 

[James] me and sirius come up with the ideas and remus and peter work out the logistics

 

[Barty] he could just dress in fabian’s work uniform and pretend he’s delivering the pizzas

 

[Marlene] okay perf

 

[James] what if fabian is working and needs the uniform

 

[Regulus] fabian doesn’t work tuesday nights

 

[Sirius] ?!?!?

 

[Marlene] how do you know that

 

[Barty] regulus?

 

[Peter] i’m fucking loving this

 

[Regulus] i’m uncomfortable

 

[James] you and fabian?

 

[Regulus] no

 

[Mary] no?

 

[Regulus] no

 

[Peter] they didn’t shag

 

[Regulus] peter you can stfu

[Regulus] this is all your fault

 

[James] how does PETER know what happened

 

[Sirius] and why is it his fault

 

[Regulus] it’s really not a big deal

[Regulus] like at all

 

[Dorcas] you knowing fabian’s shift pattern when james and sirius dont is weird regulus

 

[James] how do your friends not know but peter does

 

[Lily] regulus they will not stop pestering just give in

 

[Regulus] NO

 

[Sirius] oh so there IS something

[Sirius] i could just send fabian a message

 

[James] invite him round tomorrow

 

[Peter] i caught them in a closet snogging

 

[Regulus] CAUGHT?

[Regulus] PETER

[Regulus] YOU WERE THE ONE WHO LOCKED US IN THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE

 

[Peter] I THOUGHT YOU WERE SIRIUS

 

[Regulus] I DONT CARE

 

[Sirius] WTF PETE

 

[Barty] FUWOKDOW

 

[Evan] LMFAO

 

[Sirius] THATS FUCKING GROSS

 

[Peter] HAHHAOW

 

[Marlene] oh this is brilliant

 

[Mary] WHDOWJS

[Mary] how in the world did that happen

 

[Sirius] WHEN did this happen?

 

[Peter] after one of the maths exams

[Peter] regulus was de-stressing

 

[Regulus] PETER?????

 

[Dorcas] OMG

 

[Peter] have i said too much?

 

[Regulus] yes.

 

[Marlene] ew you snogged a man

 

[Pandora] yeah ew

 

[Barty] ?!?

 

[Regulus] what have i said about the slut shaming

 

[James] wait so how do you know his work schedule

 

[Regulus] oh! uhm! that’s a good question!

 

[Peter] HEHEHEHHE

 

[Sirius] YOU CONTINUED TO SEE EACH OTHER?????

 

[Peter] they still snog occasionally

 

[James] ??????

 

[Regulus] he’s a good kisser

 

[Barty] so are you

 

[Sirius] WHAT?

 

[Regulus] year 9

 

[Barty] i shall never forget

 

[Regulus] he burped in my mouth

 

[Barty] oops

[Barty] was that not sexy?

 

[Mary] STOPWJIDKQ

 

[James] wait so you and fabian are like

[James] casual?

 

[Lily] KNEE DEEP IN THE PASSENGER SEATTTTT

 

[Pandora] CHAPPELL ROAN

[Pandora] literally in love with her

 

[Marlene] im not gonna point out the irony here

 

[Dorcas] i will

 

[Mary] no you won’t.

 

[Regulus] James there’s nothing going on between me and fabian.

 

[Peter] anymore

 

[Regulus] yes. thank you peter.

 

[James] okay

 

[Sirius] NO NOT OKAY

 

[Regulus] i’ll make out with barty if it makes you feel better

 

[Barty] it would definitely make ME feel better

 

 

SMARTIES RAHHH 🦅🦅

4:32 PM

 

[Emmeline] which one of you fuckers locked the ravenclaw first years out of the dorms

 

[Fabian] WHAT

[Fabian] HAHA

 

[Barty] don’t know what you’re talking about

 

[Pandora] me neither

 

[Benjy] what makes you think it was one of us

 

[Emmeline] i know full well who it was

[Emmeline] so does dumbledore

 

[Barty] she’s trying to get a confession

 

[Pandora] ever since you became a prefect you got boring

 

[Barty] what happened to the emmeline that would sneak into the office to steal our jewellery back after it got taken off us

 

[Pandora] the emmeline that printed out photos of gideon and fabian and put them on all the portraits around the school

 

[Fabian] THAT WAS YOU??

[Fabian] WE TOOK THE BLAME FOR THAT

 

[Emmeline] oops

 

[Barty] we would never lock the first years out of their dorms

 

[Pandora] cannot believe you’d accuse us of such things

 

 

Barty’s mum is sexy

4:42 PM

 

[Barf] SOMEONE TAKE THE FALL FOR US PLEASE

 

[Regulus] tf have you done now

 

[Pandora] it was all bartys plan

 

[Barf] YOU were the one who executed it

 

[Evan] what did you do.

 

[Pandora] barty locked the ravenclaw first years out of the dorms

 

[Dorcas] HA

 

[Barty] DONT TELL LIES

[Barty] IT WAS ALL YOU

 

[Regulus] i’ll take the blame

 

[Dorcas] what

 

[Barty] are you insane

 

[Regulus] i’ll take the blame

 

[Barty] wtaf

 

[Evan] have you hit your head

 

[Pandora] someone’s impersonating regulus

 

 

James Potter and Regulus Black

4:53 PM

 

[Reg] can you take the blame of a prank with me

[Reg] and what did i say about the nicknames

 

Reg changed their name to Regulus

 

[James] first of all what

[James] second of all 🖕

 

[Regulus] Barty and Pandora locked out the ravenclaw first years from their dorms somehow, dumbledore knows it’s two people who did it, i’m taking the blame, i need someone else to take the blame too

 

[James] why me

 

[Regulus] it’s believeable

 

[James] and why are YOU taking the blame

 

[Regulus] because the school will call bartys dad, and he’s already on thin ice, and i owe Pandora a favour

 

[James] okay yeah i’ll take the blame with you

 

[Regulus] brilliant thank you

 

[James] on one condition

 

[Regulus] fuck

 

James changed Regulus’s name to Reggie

 

[James] i can use all the nicknames i want

 

[Reggie] fine.

 

[James] Perfect

[James] see you in detention, sweetheart

 

 

Barty’s mum is sexy

5:02 PM

 

[Evan] why did regulus just throw his phone, giggle, and start screaming into his pillow

 

[Regulus] James and i will take the blame

 

[Pandora] i fucking knew it

 

[Barty] you sneaky bitch

 

[Regulus] stfu

 

[Evan] so you were messaging James

[Evan] what did he say that made you literally malfunction

 

[Regulus] nothing

 

[Pandora] EVAN TAKE THE PHONE

 

[Dorcas] HFEIWOFJKA

 

[Evan] HE CALLED HIM SWEETHEART

 

[Barty] HA

 

 

SMARTIES RAHHH 🦅🦅

5:03 PM

 

[Pandora] it was regulus and james

 

[Benjy] i call bullshit

 

[Fabian] same

[Fabian] in what universe would Regulus get caught

 

[Barty] in what universe you do use capital letters

[Barty] simp

 

[Fabian] what?

 

[Emmeline] it was REALLY regulus and james?

 

[Barty] yep

[Barty] you can ask them

 

[Benjy] i still call bullshit

Notes:

So Fabian and Gideon are twins in the year above everyone else. Sirius and Regulus are also twins, so they're all in the same year group, just for clarification.

Chapter 5: Run Peter Run

11 September

 

New Group

3:22 AM

 

Evan shared 1 link

Evan shared 1 link

Evan shared 1 link

Evan shared 1 link

Evan shared 1 link

Evan shared 1 link

Evan shared 1 link

Evan shared 1 link

Evan shared 1 link

 

 

Evan Rosier and Peter Pettigrew

3:22 AM

 

[Peter] wtf are you doing awake

 

[Evan] taking a break from my maths homework

[Evan] why are YOU awake

 

[Peter] i just got off the phone with my sister, she’s in australia and i don’t think she understands time differences

 

[Evan] you didn’t tell her it was the middle of the night?

 

[Peter] she was just excited to tell me about something that happened and didn’t think about what time it would be

[Peter] she normally hates talking on the phone so i was happy to chat to her at this ungodly hour if she wanted to

[Peter] i missed hearing her voice

[Peter] why are you doing maths homework at 3 in the morning

 

[Evan] it’s when i feel most productive

 

[Peter] didn’t think the teachers were mean enough to set homework on the first week of school

 

[Evan] you thought wrong

[Evan] my folders are already getting thick

 

[Peter] same here, biology is beating my ass

[Peter] i love it though

 

[Evan] i hate all my subjects

[Evan] every single one

 

[Peter] why’d you take them then?

 

[Evan] my father told me what subjects i need to take

[Evan] if it means he doesn’t pester Dora then it’s worth it

 

[Peter] what would you have liked to take

 

[Evan] photography

 

[Peter] zero hesitation there

 

[Evan] also sociology with Pandora, from what i saw from her GCSE notes it looks interesting

[Evan] maybe history

[Evan] i loved it at GCSE and i was really good at it

[Evan] got a 9

 

[Peter] mighty impressive

[Peter] you have fun with your homework

[Peter] try not to burn yourself out just yet

 

[Evan] no promises

[Evan] good night peter

 

[Peter] Night evan

[Peter] also the fourth tiktok you sent is probably my favourite video of all time

 

[Evan] RIGHT???

 

 

New group

7:03 AM

 

[James] who in their right mind sends tiktoks at 3 AM

 

[Pandora] evan

[Pandora] the little shit

 

[Evan] i was taking a break from my productivity

 

[Lily] AND you’re awake at 7 AM

[Lily] did you sleep at all?

 

[Evan] i don't think so

 

[Regulus] SHHHHHH

[Regulus] i have 50 more minutes until i have to wake up

 

[James] cmon sleeping beauty up you get

 

[Pandora] regulus doesn’t understand the fact that he can put his phone on silent

 

[Regulus] 🖕🖕🖕

 

[Evan] very classy of you

 

[Barty] stfu

 

[Peter] y’all Penny says hi

[Peter] ANDDDD

 

Peter shared 49 images

 

[James] PENNY

 

[Mary] IS THAT AN ENGAGEMENT RING I SEE?????

 

[Peter] YEP

 

[Marlene] MY DARLING PENELOPE

 

[Lily] where is she now?

 

[Peter] Australia

 

[Marlene] where abouts in australia

 

[Peter] i don’t know

 

[Marlene] ffs

[Marlene] i’m texting her and asking

 

[Mary] now THIS is why men are shit at gossiping

 

[Lily] you need to get DETAILS peter

 

[Peter] it was 3 in the morning, I was half asleep when she rang

 

[James] what is it with you lot and being awake in the middle of the night

 

[Peter] oops

 

[Regulus] FUN FACT: Pandora dated a guy that didn’t believe Australia was a real place

 

[Pandora] you fucking traitor

 

[Lily] WHAT?

 

[Pandora] i thought he was JOKING

 

[Barty] for 4 months?

 

[Marlene] that is insane

 

[Pandora] he was my gay awakening

 

[Evan] I'm not sure that’s how that works

 

[Pandora] okay bloom from winx club was my ACTUAL gay awakening

 

[Lily] mine was stella

 

[Dorcas] interestinggggg

 

[Sirius] and she calls ME oblivious

 

[Lily] no i don’t. i call you inbred

 

[Regulus] uncalled for

 

[Mary] your family tree is a circle

 

[Sirius] IS NOT

 

[Regulus] sirius you have to admit our family is fucked up

 

[Barty] remind me, are your parents first or second cousins?

 

[Sirius] NEITHER

 

[Regulus] second cousins

 

[James] ???

 

[Regulus] i was going for honesty here

 

[Sirius] we’re supposed to have twin telepathy why are you so stupid

 

[Marlene] this means you two are siblings AND cousins

 

[Evan] HA

 

[Mary] when you buy birthday cards do you get one that says  “brother” or “cousin” on the front

 

[Sirius] never in my life have i bought a birthday card for that little gremlin

 

[Regulus] same

 

[Evan] i made pandora one when we were 4 and she tried to kill me with it

 

[Pandora] you blew out MY birthday candles, i think my reaction was justified

 

[Evan] I SAID I WAS SORRY

 

[James] how could she kill you with a birthday card

 

[Dorcas] don’t underestimate her

 

[Sirius] i don’t reckon it’s possible

 

[Barty] don’t challenge her either

 

[Peter] can someone come with me to print my homework out idk how to work the printers

[Peter] PLEASE

 

[Regulus] yeah i’ll meet you in the library

 

[Peter] you’re a gem

 

[Mary] Marlene just fell off her bed

 

[Lily] wtf

 

Mary shared 29 images

 

[Marlene] i look so hot with a busted lip

[Marlene] just look at me I'm GORGEOUS

 

[Dorcas] if you say so x

 

[Sirius] wtf were you doing

 

[Marlene] your mom

 

[Regulus] you’d leave with more than a busted lip if that were the case

[Regulus] ….

[Regulus] too far??

 

[Sirius] HAIDIJQODW

 

 

marauders

10:12 AM

 

[wormtail] he’s taking me on another date

[wormtail] even though i said i would plan the next one

[wormtail] he’s literally in love with me stop it

 

[padfoot] STOP

 

[prongs] WHEN

 

[wormtail] friday

 

[prongs] WOOOOO

 

[wormtail] why am i nervous already

 

[padfoot] it’s cute

 

[prongs] you’re cute

 

[padfoot] awe thanks prongs

 

[prongs] i was talking to wormy-

 

[padfoot] WTF

 

[prongs] you’re cute pads

 

[padfoot] i know

 

[wormtail] wow okay

 

 

Peters birthday 🫶🫶

10:17 AM

 

[James] we did invite gideon and fabian to saturday right?

 

[Sirius] i did yeah

 

[Marlene] they’re in the gc with Alice and everyone else anyway

 

[James] oh yeah

 

[Lily] i love alice so much

 

[Marlene] she was my first real crush

 

[Dorcas] WAS?

[Dorcas] she still IS

 

[Regulus] don’t let cissa hear you say that

 

[Sirius] she’ll rip your heart right out

[Sirius] which reminds me

 

 

ALICE IS BAE

10:22 AM

 

[Sirius] Alice what time do you want us to get to the flat to set up

 

[BAE] whenever you want

[BAE] i get off work at 4 but yk where the spare key is if you want to get there earlier than that

 

[Sirius] perf

 

[BAE] hold up

[BAE] set up WHAT

 

[Sirius] nothing big

 

[James] remus told us we weren’t allowed bouncy castles at our big ages

 

[BAE] in no way would a bouncy castle fit in my back garden

 

[Gideon] we’d make it work

 

[Fabian] we’d find a way

 

[Peter] i feel like i shouldn’t be here

 

[James] turn your phone off

 

[Sirius] pete you can’t see the planning stages

 

[Peter] 🖕🖕

 

[James] OH there are 4 more added to the guest list

 

Sirius added Regulus, Bartemius, Pandora and Evan to ALICE IS BAE

 

[Gideon] this will be fun

 

[Bae’s bae] why?

 

[Gideon] no reason

 

[Peter] i already told them all

 

[Regulus] peter stfu

 

[Peter] make me

 

[Regulus] alright

 

[Mary] regulus just walked past my classroom door

 

[Peter] oh fuck

 

[James] RUN PETER

 

[Gideon] should I be concerned

 

[Dorcas] yes

 

[Sirius] probably

 

[Evan] absolutely

 

[Peter] i’m in a lesson? where would i run to?

 

[Evan] i wouldnt put it past regulus to drag you out of that classroom himself

 

[Bartemius] pretend to feel sick and make a run for it

 

[Dorcas] HA BARTEMIUS

 

Bartemius changed their name to Barty

 

[BAE] someone explain why regulus is going to kill peter

 

[Peter] 1 voice message

 

[James] RUN PETER RUN

 

[Mary] what did he say? i haven’t got headphones so i can’t listen

 

[Marlene] you can’t hear what he’s saying because of the wind

 

[Peter] i’m in hiding

 

[Mary] where

 

[Remus] peter stop typing wtf?!?!

 

[Fabian] i’m enjoying this

 

[Peter] yk what else u enjoy?

[Peter] rehuluskajwo skjdownqbso

 

[Sirius] i think regulus found him

 

[Bae’s bae] Fabian. Explain. Now.

 

[Fabian] i don’t think i want to

 

[Lily] apparently regulus and fabian snogged a few times

 

[Bae’s bae] JUST snogged?

 

[Regulus] YES

 

[Fabian] we went on a date as well

 

[Regulus] yeah he didn't get a second one

 

[Fabian] wtf?!?!

 

[Marlene] did you know regulus knows what time you get off work

 

[Regulus] don’t make me come after you too

 

[Fabian] awe that’s cute

 

[Peter] he’s blushoanifj

 

[Regulus] i am not

 

[Barty] send proof

 

Regulus shared 1 image

 

[James] peter you liar

 

[Marlene] he likes to start shit i love it

 

[Gideon] now fabian is blushing

 

[Fabian] STFU?

 

[Remus] are you sat ON peter?

 

[Regulus] yes

 

[Pandora] hello

 

[Lily] Hi Pandora!

 

[Mary] i just snorted

 

[Regulus] let’s change the subject

[Regulus] Sirius’ gay awakening was frank longbottom

 

[Sirius] REGULUS WTAF

 

[Remus] yk he’s in this gc

 

[Regulus] precisely

 

[Bae’s bae] Regulus.

 

[Regulus] Narcissa.

 

[Bae’s bae] behave.

 

[Sirius] HAHA FUCK YOU

 

[Bae’s bae] you too, lover boy

 

[Emmeline] Regulus i ain’t covering for you much longer, get your ass back here or i’m telling the whole class you have the shits

 

[Sirius] DO IT

 

[Regulus] i don’t believe you

 

[Mary] wouldn’t do that if i were you

 

[Marlene] they’ve done it before

 

[Peter] IM FREE

 

[Emmeline] you have 2 minutes

 

[Frank] do none of you actually pay attention in lesson

[Frank] also sirius im flattered

 

[James] remus and lily do

 

[Gideon] unsurprising

 

[Remus] fuck you

 

[Lily] get fucked

 

[Peter] what do i do now? i’m bored

 

[Evan] go back to lesson?

 

[Peter] i made a show of me feeling like i’m gonna be sick so i could leave

[Peter] regulus is gone now so wtf do i do

 

[James] hold on i’ll leave too

 

[Lily] James sit down.

 

[James] okay

 

[Marlene] BOOOOOO

[Marlene] pete go get me a redbull

 

[Peter] no

 

[Marlene] wtf

[Marlene] i literally bought you gummy bears yesterday?

 

[Peter] with MY money

 

[Marlene] so?

 

[Remus] pete can you put my laptop on charge in my room, i need it for my afternoon lesson and forgot to charge it last night

 

[Peter] 👍👍

 

[Marlene] so you’ll do something for remus but not for me

[Marlene] i smell HOMOPHOBIA

 

[Peter] IM LITERALLY QUEER

 

[Marlene] PROVE IT

 

[Peter] how?

 

[Marlene] exactly

 

[Mary] we have a fake gay right here guys

 

[Remus] actually if he’s helping me doesn’t that cancel out the homophobia?

 

[Peter] it wasn’t homophobic in the first place

 

[Gideon] i think it was

 

[Peter] !?!?!?

[Peter] you’re on HER side?

 

[Marlene] HAHA

[Marlene] get rekt

 

[BAE] we all gotta talk on here more often

 

[Pandora] wait peters homophobic?

 

[Marlene] yes

 

[Peter] i’m starting to be

 

[James] I'M not homophobic

 

[Lily] we know james

 

[Remus] you’re a homolover

 

[Pandora] Just read the chat and you’re right marlene, he really is homophobic

 

[Peter] killing myself

[Peter] remus your laptop is now charging

 

[Remus] 👍

 

[Marlene] can you get me a redbull now

 

[Peter] break is in 2 minutes, get it yourself

 

[Marlene] it takes me 10 minutes to walk there i’ll be late getting back

 

[Dorcas] when has being late to a lesson ever bothered you before

 

[Marlene] true

 

[BAE] right i changed my mind i need you all to stfu now

 

[Marlene] 🫡

 

 

New group

10:45 AM

 

[James] anyone else have a free period next?

 

[Barty] regulus does

 

[Regulus] yeah but we were actually set work to do

[Regulus] so go away

 

[James] what work

[James] can i help?

 

[Sirius] how on earth could you help

 

[James] i could be a model

[James] you have photography right?

 

[Regulus] Hey James, that would actually be great, meet us at the fountain in 15? - Emmeline x

 

[James] brilliant

 

 

Effies favourites

10:47 AM

 

[Pete] i see you typing

 

[Marls] he’s so whipped

 

[James] i am not???

[James] is he actually dating fabian

 

[Pete] no?????

[Pete] they made out like 3 times, went out on one date but decided to be friends

 

[James] what was all that about fabian blushing when regulus sent that picture

 

[Marls] gideon was probably fucking about

 

[Pete] no he wasn’t

[Pete] i think fabian actually did like him

[Pete] it was regulus who wanted to just stay friends-ish

 

[James] oh

[James] why

 

[Marls] i’m assuming the whole running-away-from-home debacle was his priority over the summer

[Marls] not getting a boyfriend

 

[Pete] also the fact that regulus didn’t want FABIAN to be his boyfriend

 

[James] he likes gideon?

 

[Pete] no he doesn’t??

 

[Marls] how in the fuck did you get THAT from what he said

 

[James] you said it’s not FABIAN he wants

[James] who is it then

 

[Pete] ripping my hair out rn

 

[Marls] it's not up to us to say james

 

[James] he told you?

 

[Marls] no but it’s obvious

 

[James] i didn’t think he fancied anyone

 

[Marls] of course you dont

 

 

The Potter-Black Household

11:02 AM

 

Monty shared 1 screenshot

 

[Monty] James and Regulus, you’re locking first years out of their dorms now?

 

[Regulus] no

 

[Monty] well that’s boring

 

[QUEEN] Don’t encourage them.

[QUEEN] What do you mean “no” Regulus? xx

 

[James] we’re taking the blame

 

[Siri] BOOOOOOO

[Siri] LAZYYYY

 

[Monty] Yeah taking the credit is lame

[Monty] Pull your own pranks

 

[QUEEN] MONTY?

 

[Monty] yes, my love?

 

[James] awe

 

[QUEEN] They both got a detention in the first week of school.

[QUEEN] You two couldn’t have waited a few weeks before getting into trouble? xx

 

[James] it wasn’t actually us who did it

 

[QUEEN] Mhm sure.

[QUEEN] James, has Peter spoken to you about Christmas yet? xx

 

[James] nope

 

[Monty] The Pettigrews are going to Australia for christmas to meet Penelope’s fiancés family, Peter has told them he won’t go so that they spend a few more weeks out there, he's going to see her when she gets back in February. 

 

[James] so he’s spending christmas with us?

 

[QUEEN] If he mentions it, please invite him to stay. xx

 

[James] on it!

 

[Monty] Also Sirius and Regulus, we’ve spoken to your Uncle Alphard. He’s bringing your things over next week so it will be here in time for Christmas break.

 

[QUEEN] I wanted to decorate your rooms before you came so I want to know your preferences beforehand! Any favourite colours??? Band posters??? Sirius I know you like Queen! Regulus, James mentioned you’re a fan of Taylor Swiftie! xxx

 

[James] Regulus IS a swiftie, a fan of Taylor Swift, swiftie isn’t her actual name

 

 

James Potter and Sirius Black

11:22 AM

 

[Pads] did you change the name of the chat to Potter-Black

 

[Prongsie] no, dad did

[Prongsie] it was mums idea but she didn’t know how to do it

 

[Pads] oh

 

[Prongsie] it doesn’t make you uncomfortable does it?

 

[Pads] no

[Pads] it makes me happy

[Pads] really fucking happy

 

[Prongsie] we’re all glad you both are coming home with us Sirius

 

[Pads] i’m glad too

[Pads] fucking ecstatic actually

 

[Prongsie] did you have to google how to spell that word

 

[Pads] fuck you James

 

[Prongsie] i love you too Sirius

Notes:

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Okay

If you want to know what alevels they all take (the main 12 characters) I have a video about it on my tiktok: Marlsmckinnonswife <3

Chapter 6: Operation Jegulus is a go

13 September

 

Bartys mum is sexy

01:02 AM

 

[Regulus] barty just woke me up, sat on me, farted, licked my face, then went back to sleep

 

[Pandora] STOP

 

 

New group

01:03 AM

 

Pandora shared 1 screenshot

 

[James] what the fuck

 

[Regulus] i feel violated

[Regulus] dirty

[Regulus] unsafe

 

[James] yeah i’m not surprised

[James] come sleep over here

 

[Regulus] i’ll actually take you up on that

 

[James] really?

 

[Regulus] were you joking?

 

[James] No!

[James] dead serious

[James] come over

 

[Regulus] okay i’ll just be a minute

 

 

Effies favourites

01:06 AM

 

[Marls] very smooth james

 

[Pete] he’s making a hell of a lot of noise for NOTHING

 

[Marls] is regulus gonna be sleeping on the floor then?

 

[James] what?

 

[Pete] poor regulus

 

[James] HE’S not sleeping there

[James] i am

 

[Pete] what

 

[Marls] HELLO?

[Marls] PETE?

[Marls] JAMES?

[Marls] WHATS GOING ON?

 

 

Marlene McKinnon and Peter Pettigrew

01:014 AM

 

[McGAY] what’s happening

 

[PettiGAY] marlene it’s like a fanfiction come to life

 

[McGAY] how

[McGAY] wats hapning

[McGAY] TELME

 

[PettiGAY] regulus came in and james told him he’d be sleeping in james’ bed while james slept on the floor

[PettiGAY] regulus told him he’s being ridiculous and that he’d sleep on the floor and james should sleep in his own bed

 

[McGAY] stop it

 

[PettiGAY] they got in a whisper-argument about it

 

[McGAY] ARE THEY BOTH SLEEPING IN JAMES BED

 

[PettiGAY] YEP

[PettiGAY] guess whose suggestion that was

 

[McGAY] you’re a genius peter

 

[PettiGAY] operation Regames is a go

 

[McGAY] wtf is regames

 

[PettiGAY] regulus and james

[PettiGAY] obviously...

 

[McGAY] wouldn’t Jegulus be better

 

[PettiGAY] oh

[PettiGAY] operation JEGULUS is a go

 

[McGAY] take photos

 

[PettiGAY] oh i will

 

 

New group

10:11 AM

 

[Sirius] wtf

 

[Lily] look who’s decided to grace us with their presence

 

[Sirius] barty what in the ever loving fuck is wrong with you

 

[Barty] that was all lies

[Barty] defamation of character

 

[Evan] i can confirm that regulus was telling the truth

 

[Barty] how tf would u know

 

[Evan] because you’ve done it before??

 

[Pandora] he has

 

[Dorcas] we’re all victims of midnight barty

 

[Pandora] it’s like the 3am spooky hour except it’s just barty being a fucking maniac when he wakes up in the middle of the night

 

[Lily] he’s done this before?

 

[Pandora] one time when we were all staying in London to visit regulus, he snuck into my hotel room, STOLE MY MAKEUP to do a full glam look, took photos with my polaroid camera, THEN walked 20 minutes to Regulus’ house, BROKE IN, snuck into his room and slept on the floor like a starfish

 

[Barty] untrue

 

[Regulus] i have the security footage that i had to delete so my mother wouldn’t find out

 

[Marlene] how do you have it if you deleted it

 

[Regulus] recorded it on my phone

 

[Mary] CAN WE SEE

 

[Regulus] normally i would send it, but you can see me in the reflection and i don’t look hot

[Regulus] also you can hear me snorting in the background

 

[James] you always look hot

 

[Lily] i’m going insane

 

[Sirius] james wtf

 

[Regulus] well in that case

 

Regulus shared 1 video

 

[Barty] JWODJOW

[Barty] WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME THAT GETS HUMILIATED HERE

[Barty] i have a video of dorcas falling down the stairs in year 10 and when she reaches the bottom she starts hysterically laughing so hard she throws up

 

[Dorcas] DUDE?

 

[Mary] i have a video of marlene and sirius fighting in the science corridor over the last waffle in the dining hall

[Mary] Marlene won

 

[Sirius] NO SHE DID NOT

 

[Marlene] i grabbed your hair and you immediately tapped out and started crying

 

[Peter] wimp

 

 

12:31 PM

 

[James] where are sirius and peter

 

[Mary] fuck

 

[Dorcas] pete has his snap maps off the little shit

 

[Barty] whys this a big deal?

 

[Remus] sirius and peter being left alone is just asking for a disaster

 

[James] last time they went off together on their own, they ended up stuck in trees

 

[Regulus] in two separate trees?

 

[Remus] kind of

 

[James] sirius was in one, peter in another, and their bags in a third

 

[Evan] wtf

 

[Remus] another time sirius came back with his tongue pierced

 

[James] and peter with a lip piercing

 

[Marlene] OI I WAS THERE FOR THAT

[Marlene] that’s when i got my nose pierced

 

[Remus] marlene encourages them

 

[Peter] should i get a tattoo

 

[Remus] NO?

 

[Lily] peter omfg

 

[Peter] i’m thinking a snake

 

[Regulus] let’s all get one

 

[Evan] i’m up for that

 

[Barty] a snake sounds cool

 

[Mary] DONT ENCOURAGE HIM?

 

[James] he’s not even 18 he wouldn’t be able to get it done

 

[Remus] nah there’s that one dodgy place in town that does it if you’re 17

 

[Sirius] omg where

 

[James] remus wtf

 

[Lily] peter don’t get a tattoo if we’re not all there to see it happen

[Lily] also don’t get it done at a dodgy place

 

[Evan] wait peter has a lip piercing?

 

[Pandora] have you only just processed that hun?

 

[Barty] you don’t have a lip piercing?

 

[Peter] it’s closed over now because i stopped wearing it

 

[Evan] damn

 

[Dorcas] JWODJWPS

 

 

ALICE IS BAE

12:54 PM

 

[BAE] i got off work early

[BAE] someone come keep me company, narcissa has decided to leave me

 

[Gideon] you could maybe do your uni work???

 

[Bae’s bae] I left to get us both lunch??

 

[Sirius] alice you almost gave me a heart attack don’t do that

 

[BAE] where is everyone

 

[Sirius] James and Regulus are in detention, Moons is with me, Marlene Mary and Lily are getting the food we need for tonight, Dorcas and Pandora are doing homework (boring) and idk what Barty and Evan are doing

 

[Dorcas] it’s best not to ask

 

[Barty] wtf??

[Barty] i’m back into my minecraft phase so i’m currently building a massive mansion that i’ll abandon in 2 weeks

 

[Peter] so real

 

[Evan] YOURE building the mansion?????? you mean IM building, you’re making a rainbow sheep farm with the materials that I gathered

 

[Barty] it's called teamwork

 

[Pandora] can i help

 

[Barty] NO

 

[Evan] not after you blew up my house i spent HOURS building

 

[Pandora] it was an accident

 

[Evan] you accidentally put TNT under my house and then set it off while i was inside?

 

[Pandora] yeah?

 

[Emmeline] HA

[Emmeline] Peter do you wanna play doors

 

[Peter] yes

 

[BAE] you’re all boring

 

[Gideon] tf did we do?

 

[Fabian] we’ve done nothing wrong

 

[BAE] nvm the loml just came home with food

[BAE] bye fuckwits see you later tonight

 

[Remus] how polite

 

 

Bartys mum is sexy

3:01 PM

 

[Barf] how was detention SWEETHEART

 

Regulus removed Barf from Bartys mum is sexy

 

[Pandora] that was mean

 

Pandora added Bartemius to Bartys mum is sexy

 

[Pandora] do it again

 

Regulus removed Bartemius from Bartys mum is sexy

 

[Dorcas] STOP

[Dorcas] how was it actually though

 

Evan added Bartemius to Bartys mum is sexy

 

[Bartemius] did you kiss

 

[Regulus] NO?

 

[Bartemius] BORRINGGGGGG

 

Bartemius changed their name to Barty

 

Pandora changed Barty’s name to Barf

 

[Barf] WILL YOU STOP THAT

[Barf] AND STOP CHANGING THE GROUP NAME

 

[Pandora] suck my dick

[Pandora] what happened reg we need DETAILS

 

[Regulus] nothing major

[Regulus] he kept passing me notes

 

[Evan] saying what

 

[Regulus] nothing

 

[Dorcas] he sent you a note saying “nothing”?

 

[Barf] potter has game

 

[Regulus] the notes are for me and only me

 

[Pandora] gross

 

 

ALICE IS BAE

5:12 PM

 

[Sirius] right peter you can come now

 

[Peter] wanky

 

[James] JWODOQK

 

[Sirius] don’t be disgusting

 

[Peter] omw

 

 

14 September

 

New Group

00:22 AM

 

James sent 12 images

 

[Marlene] TWO MEN KISSING 🤮🤮🤮🤮

[Marlene] no but pete why do u look hot

 

[Peter] thanks?

 

[Sirius] awe omg

[Sirius] Remus wanna recreate???

 

[Remus] yes

 

[Sirius] what

 

[Mary] NO FUCKING WAY

 

[Marlene] DO IT

 

[Peter] ITS HAPPENING

 

[Regulus] is it actually

 

[James] REMUS WHENTIMTO HIS ROM

 

[Lily] OMF

 

[Peter] okay who had the bet on 2 weeks

 

[Barty] me

[Barty] AND i bet remus would make the first move

 

[Evan] technically sirius did

 

[James] no bartys right

 

[Regulus] you’re only saying that because you ALSO bet on remus

[Regulus] evan is right

 

[James] whatever you say darling

 

 

Effies favourites

00:29 AM

 

[Marls] darling?

 

[Pete] are you…..

[Pete] homo???

 

[Marls] GAY 🫵

 

[Jamie] JQKKWK

[Jamie] we have an agreement

 

[Pete] ?!?!?!?

 

[Marls] like friends with benefits

 

[Jamie] NO

[Jamie] if i took the blame for a prank with him then im allowed to use nicknames with him

 

[Pete] and you assumed that meant DARLING rather than Reg or Reggie?

 

[Jamie] yep

 

[Marls] loving this

 

[Pete] those are pet names not nicknames

 

[Jamie] don’t tell him the difference

 

 

Pandora Rosier and Regulus Black

00:29 AM

 

[Dora] Barty sent me a voice note of you screaming into your pillow

 

[Omlette] ffs

[Omlette] omlette?

 

[Dora] regulus

[Dora] reg

[Dora] egg

[Dora] omlette

 

[Omlette] that makes sense

[Omlette] i’m not screaming into my pillow

 

[Dora] obviously not now

[Dora] but you WERE

 

[Omlette] stfu

 

 

marauders

00:31 AM

 

[wormtail] thanks guys for tonight

 

[prongs] no problem pete

[prongs] we love you <3

 

[moony] who wants the video of fabian and gideon getting in a fight over uno

 

[padfoot] ME

[padfoot] remember when they started wrestling because fabian caught gideon cheating at cluedo

 

[wormtail] honestly i loved it

 

 

STARMAN^2 BIRTHDAY

00:35 AM

 

James changed the group name to STARMAN^2 BIRTHDAY

 

James added Peter to STARMAN^2 BIRTHDAY

 

James removed Sirius and Regulus from STARMAN^2 BIRTHDAY

 

[James] Marlene and Barty you’re on playlist duty

 

[Marlene] FUCK YEAH

 

[Barty] regulus has a thing for justin bieber

 

[Peter] so does remus

 

[Remus] UNTRUE

 

[Lily] he was literally in your top 5 spotify wrapped last year

 

[Remus] fuck off

 

[James] Narcissa already said we can use her and Alice’s flat

 

[Peter] we’ll get sick buckets for marlene

 

[Marlene] fuck off

 

[Barty] can’t handle your alcohol?

 

[Marlene] i can handle it perfectly well thank you very much

 

[Dorcas] she’s lying

 

[Marlene] 🖕🖕

Notes:

In this little universe, Hogwarts has a secondary school (years 1-5), a sixth form (6th and 7th year) and a university. Alice and Narcissa attend the University so they have their own little flat.

They are my pookies.

Chapter 7: Awww Pandora has a crush

29 September

 

New Group

05:57 AM

 

[Mary] anyone have a spare calculator?

 

7:02 AM

 

[Sirius] tf you need a calculator for

 

[Mary] maths?

 

[Lily] what maths

 

[Mary] just maths

 

[Evan] i have one you can borrow

 

[Mary] perf

[Mary] can i grab it from you later today

 

[Evan] yeah i’ll bring it with me to lessons and give it to you if i see you

 

[Mary] thank you xx

 

[Sirius] still want to know why you need a calculator

 

[Mary] stfu

 

 

Mary Macdonald and Evan Rosier

7:05 AM

 

[Mary] what kind of calculator is it

 

[Evan] it’s the one i used for GCSE

[Evan] i got a fancier one for Alevel so i’m not using this one

 

[Mary] that’s perfect

[Mary] i’m retaking maths

 

[Evan] really?

 

[Mary] yeah

[Mary] i fucked around and barely got a 4

[Mary] Flitwick was adamant i could have gotten a 7

[Mary] so i’m retaking

 

[Evan] that’s brilliant

[Evan] do the others not know?

 

[Mary] no

[Mary] idk it’s kinda embarrassing

[Mary] i’ve gotta do maths lessons with the fifth years because i can’t afford to hire a tutor

 

[Evan] i can tutor you

 

[Mary] would that even be allowed?

 

[Evan] i can talk to flitwick about it today

[Evan] i have him this morning

 

[Mary] that would be brilliant

[Mary] evan you beautiful beautiful man

 

[Evan] i’ll update you

 

[Mary] thank you so much

 

 

New group

8:48 AM

 

[Barty] i’m BORED

 

[Regulus] lessons started 3 minutes ago

[Regulus] get a grip

 

[Peter] i’m currently playing cooking fever on my ipad

[Peter] i so should be a chef

 

[Marlene] omg i forgot cooking fever existed

[Marlene] about to clock in

 

[Pandora] do you guys just never pay attention?

 

[Regulus] you literally wrote a 150K word fanfiction about Mulciber and Snape during all our physics lessons

 

[Pandora] your point?

 

[Lily] THAT WAS YOU????

 

[Pandora] WWKDOQJ

 

[James] I GOT BLAMED FOR THAT

 

[Sirius] with your grammar and spelling, no one actually believed you wrote that James.

 

[Marlene] in the sociology mocks you didn’t use any punctuation whatsoever and didn’t use paragraphs. All four 12 mark questions were literally just one big sentence

 

[James] i didn’t have the time to worry about grammar

 

[Regulus] when do you ever care about grammar

 

[James] true

 

10:45 AM

 

[Barty] where are you lot

 

[Pandora] break just started, give us a minute

 

[Evan] i won’t be out for break, gotta talk to flitwick for a sec

 

[Pandora] BOOOOO

 

[Marlene] YEAH BOOOOOO

 

 

Mary Macdonald and Evan Rosier

10:57 AM

 

[Evan] Friday mornings and Wednesday afternoons good for you?

 

[Mary] Evan you literal legend

 

[Evan] if you still don’t want people to know, I convinced Flitwick to let us use a classroom on the wednesday rather than the library

 

[Mary] yeah that’s great

[Mary] Marlene has practice Friday mornings so we can just use our dorm

[Mary] thank you for doing this Evan it means a lot

 

[Evan] it’s no problem really

 

 

New group

12:00 PM

 

[Barty] LUNCH TIMEEEEEE

 

[James] can we ditch afternoon lessons and go to nando’s then fuck about in town

 

[Sirius] YES

 

[Lily] Really guys?

 

[Pandora] NANDOOSSSS

 

[Lily] should we meet at the front gates or by the bus stop?

 

[Marlene] HA

[Marlene] bus stop?

 

[Evan] 👍

 

[Remus] they’re all gonna know we’re skipping if all 12 of us don’t turn up

 

[Sirius] say we all got chlamydia and have to get treated at the same time

 

[Peter] right

 

[Evan] let’s not

 

[Regulus] im quite looking forward to my chemistry lesson so i think ill miss this one

 

 

Bartemius Crouch Jr and Regulus Black

12:06 PM

 

[Barty] i’ll make sure you sit next to james

 

 

New group

12:06 PM

 

[Regulus] nvm

[Regulus] i’m omw

 

 

Bartemius Crouch Jr and Regulus Black

12:06 PM

 

[Barty] fucking simp

 

Regulus blocked Barty

 

 

New group

12:07 PM

 

[Barty] REGULUS UNBLOCK ME WTF?

 

Regulus removed Barty from New group

 

[Lily] we should really change the group name

 

Regulus changed the group name to Barty is a WHORE

 

Evan added Bartemius to Barty is a WHORE

 

Pandora changed Bartemius’s name to Barf

 

[James] we're all going to nando’s

 

[Barf] i’m not feeling loved

 

Peter changed Barf’s name to Barty

 

Peter changed the group name to New group

 

[Barty] peter is my new favourite

 

[Peter] 😁

 

[Sirius] bus gets here in 5

 

[Lily] James Regulus Evan Barty hurry tf up

 

[James] we’ll catch the next one and meet you guys there

 

[Regulus] Emmeline is coming as well, they’re just grabbing their charger and we’ll be on our way

 

[Mary] EMMELINE

 

[Marlene] FUCKING ICON

 

[Regulus] stawp guys you’re making me blush - Em x

 

1:24 PM

 

[James] still think we could have just not gone back to school

 

[Peter] we really shouldn’t start skipping this early on in the year

 

[Sirius] i’ll skip with you prongs

[Sirius] i haven’t done my homework

 

[James] brilliant

 

[Evan] i hope you guys fail

 

[Pandora] evan tie your laces

 

[Evan] no

 

[Lily] who has colouring pens i can borrow

 

[Pandora] what for

 

[Lily] making a timeline for history

 

[Pandora] i’ll give you the keycard to my dorm and you can go in and grab them

[Pandora] middle drawer in my desk, take whatever you need x

 

[Lily] where’s your dorm

 

[Marlene] why don’t you show her

 

 

Lily Evans and Marlene McKinnon

1:41 PM

 

[Lils] what are you doing

 

[Marls] just go with it bitch

[Marls] im doing u a favour

 

 

New group

1:41 PM

 

[Pandora] yeah i can do that

[Pandora] i’ll meet you by the front of the humanities building

 

[Lily] okay yeah great that’s awesome!

 

 

Lily Evans and Marlene McKinnon

1:42 PM

 

[Marls] i think the last time i heard the phrase “that’s awesome!” was from James when we were 8 and i just showed him my pink hair that my sister dyed for me in my parents  bathroom

 

[Lils] I PANICKED

 

[Marls] YOURE TEXTING

[Marls] THE PRIMARY BENEFIT OF TEXTING IS YOU CAN LITERALLY THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK

[Marls] not speak

[Marls] type

[Marls] or is send better

 

[Lils] SHHH I CAN SEE HER

 

[Marls] DO EVERYTHING I WOULD DO

 

 

Bartys mum is a GOD (God IS a woman fuck off Evan)

1:42 PM

 

[Evan] Pandora.

 

[Pandora] Evan.

 

[Evan] not only did those “colouring pens” cost you over £750, but you also had them imported from Italy.

[Evan] you don’t let any of us INCLUDING REGULUS AND DORCAS even TOUCH the box they come in

[Evan] i used one ONCE and you made me buy you 3 of the same marker as a replacement and you refused to use it again

 

[Barf] if i remember correctly, you actually set that specific marker on fire because it was, in your own words, “ruined and fucking useless”

 

[Evan] tell me why you won’t let us go NEAR them but you’re allowing Lily Evans, a girl who you’ve had TWO proper conversations with, use them so she can prettify her history homework, over your literal twin brother and childhood best friends.

 

[Pandora] is prettify even a word

 

[Regulus] jesus christ

 

[Dorcas] 750?!?!

 

[Pandora] for the first 3 boxes yeah

 

[Evan] and how many boxes do you have again???

 

[Pandora] 8.

 

[Regulus] don’t lie

 

[Pandora] FINE

[Pandora] TWELVE

[Pandora] I HAVE TWELVE BOXES OF PENS THAT COST ME £250 EACH, NOT INCLUDING SHIPPING WHICH HAS SET ME BACK THREE GRAND

 

[Dorcas] bullshit

[Dorcas] you have 15 total

 

[Pandora] i’m no longer telling you anything ever

 

[Regulus] SHES SO WHIPPED

 

[Evan] fucks sake

 

[Barf] awww Pandora has a crush

 

Pandora removed Barf from Bartys mum is a GOD (God IS a woman fuck off Evan)

 

[Dorcas] STOP DO YOU ACTUALLY

 

Pandora removed Dorcas from Bartys mum is a GOD (God IS a woman fuck off Evan)

 

[Regulus] don’t you fucking dare

 

Evan added Dorcas and Bartemius to Bartys mum is a GOD (God IS a woman fuck off Evan)

 

 

SS Great Pandalily 🚢

1:50 PM

 

[Captain Mary] Are they freaking out

 

[Ship worker 1] Lily is

 

[Ship worker 2] guess how much pandora spent on those markers she’s letting lily use

 

[Captain Mary] £25. Anything more than that is insane

 

[Ship worker 1] you gotta remember this is pandora ROSIER we’re talking about

 

[Ship worker 2] try multiplying that by 10 Mary

 

[Ship worker 1] WHAT

 

[Ship worker 2] PER BOX AS WELL

 

[Captain Mary] and how many boxes does she have

 

[Ship worker 2] guess

 

[Captain Mary] 10

 

[Ship worker 2] more

 

[Captain Mary] 12?

 

[Ship worker 2] more

 

[Ship worker 1] 15?

 

[Ship worker 2] yep

 

[Captain Mary] fuck that’s £3,750

 

[Ship worker 2] imported from Italy as well

[Ship worker 2] fuck knows how much she paid to have them shipped over

 

[Captain Mary] sometimes i forget how filthy rich the Rosiers are

 

[Ship worker 2] the Blacks are even worse

 

[Ship worker 1] Aren’t Narcissa, Bellatrix and Andromeda half Rosier

 

[Ship worker 2] yeah on their mothers side

 

[Captain Mary] LILY JUST WALKED PAST MY CLASSROOM AND SHE IS BRIGHT RED

 

 

Bartys mum is a GOD (God IS a woman fuck off Evan)

2:06 PM

 

[Dorcas] Pandora send a selfie rn

 

[Pandora] no

 

[Regulus] since when do you say no to a selfie

 

[Pandora] i’m having a bad hair day

 

[Barty] you’ve never had a bad hair day in your life

 

[Pandora] awe thanks Barty

 

Pandora changed Barty’s name to fuckwit

 

[fuckwit] right.

 

[Evan] Pandora send a selfie

 

fuckwit shared 1 image

 

[fuckwit] SHES SO FLUSHED

 

[Pandora] she called me pretty

 

[Dorcas] STOPJWKD

 

 

James Potter and Lily Evans

2:17 PM

 

[Lils] remember that time i covered for you after the prank you pulled on snape where you filled his dorm room with bubble bath in year 9 and you said “I owe you one Evans!”

 

[James] I do remember actually

[James] what can i do for you

 

[Lils] I need you and Sirius to teach me how to flirt.

 

[James] JWODKOQ

[James] and who do you wish to flirt with

[James] wouldn’t happen to be a certain blonde that just let you use her very expensive markers would it?

 

[Lils] …

[Lils] forget it

[Lils] i’ll watch a youtube tutorial

[Lils] is wikihow still about

 

[James] Lily

[James] Sirius and I will gladly teach you how to flirt

 

[Lils] thank fuck

 

[James] language missy

 

[Lils] you called peter and barty meddling cunts not 2 hours ago, don’t tell me off about my language 

 

[James] oops?

 

[Lils] let sirius know

[Lils] are you still with him?

 

[James] no, remus started feeling dizzy and went to the medical room so sirius went to go see him to help him back to our dorm, i’m at tesco rn buying him his favourite snacks

[James] you need anything?

 

[Lils] no im alright

[Lils] am i good to come round later on to check on him?

 

[James] you’re always welcome Lily, you know that

[James] i’ll let sirius know we’re gonna be teachers now

 

[Lils] ffs

[Lils] thanks James x

 

[James] xx

 

 

James Potter and Sirius Black

2:34 PM

 

[Prongsie] omw back now

[Prongsie] also, Lily asked us to teach her how to flirt

 

[Pads] brilliant, remus is napping rn

[Pads] why are we teaching her how to flirt

 

[Prongsie] Pandora

[Prongsie] also we owe her one after she covered for us in year 9

 

[Pads] did she ever find out why we went after snape that time

[Pads] did you tell her?

 

[Prongsie] we didn’t need to, i think she already knew

[Prongsie] it would be an odd coincidence if the literal day after half the school heard snape calling her a slur, his room is filled with bubbles and half his stuff is missing

 

[Pads] true

[Pads] i can see you all the way over here prongs how much stuff did you buy

 

[Prongsie] a lot?

 

[Pads] get a move on

[Pads] we’ve got a lesson to plan

 

[Prongsie] buy a blonde wig from amazon so one of us can pretend we’re pandora

 

[Pads] on it

Notes:

I've been on holiday this past week, but the signal was shit so every time I tried to upload this chapter it would not work. ON A POSITIVE NOTE, this does mean I have like 5 ish chapters ready to go!!!

If you couldnt already tell, Pandalily slays.

Chapter 8: Why is everyone gay?

4 October

 

New group

7:15 PM

 

[Barty] anyone know where reg is

[Barty] stupid bitch isn’t replying to any of us and we can’t find him anywhere

 

[Peter] he’s out with me and Gideon

 

[Sirius] he’s third wheeling?

 

[Remus] harsh

 

[Peter] no

 

[Marlene] i thought you said you were on a double date

 

[Evan] WTAF

 

[Barty] ?!?!?

 

[Mary] wdym DOUBLE DATE

 

[Lily] WHOS ON THE DOUBLE DATE

 

[Dorcas] IS IT JAMES

 

[Marlene] OMG

 

[Sirius] STOP

 

[James] no

 

[Dorcas] oh

 

[Pandora] tf

 

 

Pandora and Evan are farmers

7:21 PM

 

[Pandora] what happened to “i’m going marry him, Pandora please be my best woman”

 

[Regulus] never said that x

 

[Evan] who changed the group name

 

[Dorcas] Regulus who tf are you on a date with

 

[Regulus] Benjy

[Regulus] PETER TOOK MY PHONE OMG IGNORE THAT

 

[Pandora] nah we all saw that

 

[Barty] were the previous 20 times you’ve turned him down just forgotten?

 

[Regulus] it’s ONE date leave him alone - Peter xoxo

 

[Pandora] what about james

 

[Regulus] what about him

[Regulus] if he wants to go out on a date with me he can ask me.

[Regulus] i’ll text you guys when we’re on our way back

[Regulus] that was actually me xoxo

 

 

5 October

 

ALICE IS BAE

10:31 AM

 

[Gideon] So this year was supposed to be Franks turn to host the Halloween Party

 

[Fabian] HOWEVER he is going to be away on the 31st

 

[Frank] sorry guys

 

[James] Don’t worry Frank!

 

[Gideon] WHICH MEANS

 

[Fabian] WE SHALL BE HOSTING THIS YEAR

 

[Gideon] using Franks house, booze and food

 

[Fabian] obviously

 

[Frank] brilliant

[Frank] can’t wait for the mess i’m gonna come back to

 

[Sirius] bitch please, when you get back your house will be fucking spotless because you're the one that always makes a mess

 

[BAE] can we remember the time you got so wankered that you thought you had the ability to juggle lamps

 

[Frank] i don’t remember that

 

[Sirius] one hit you in the head so that might be why

 

[Fabian] We are not ashamed to admit we are reusing Emmelines playlist from last year

 

[Emmeline] i’ll give it a bit of an update

 

[Gideon] Thanks Em

 

[Fabian] We are also using our (Franks) computer skills and have found a way to assign everyone a random (ish) partner because this year we’re doing DUO COSTUMES

 

[James] YES

 

[Sirius] wait we don’t get to pick?

 

[James] boooooo

 

[Peter] stfu, you two always have THE WORST ideas for costumes

 

[Remus] Teenage mutant ninja turtles is overdone and unoriginal and you two suggest it EVERY YEAR

 

[James] don’t lie

 

Peter shared 18 screenshots

 

[Emmeline] did you screenshot every time they suggested it?

 

[Peter] these are only the ones on text

 

[Remus] they beg more in person because they think it gives them more of a chance

 

[Regulus] sirius you loser

 

[Sirius] at least it’s better than the POWER RANGERS that you lot went as two years ago

 

[Pandora] i’ll have you know that was my idea and i looked absolutely fucking gorgeous 

 

[Gideon] Once everyone has arrived, we shall begin the assigning of pairs

 

[Baes's Bae] why are u being so formal

 

[Gideon] idk man, leave me alone

 

Marlene shared 1 image

 

[Marlene] us 4 are here

 

[Lily] 🙌

 

Sirius shared 1 image

 

[Sirius] us 4 are here as well

 

[Regulus] he already knew that

 

[Marlene] what u copying me for 

 

[Gideon] Peter looking beautiful as always

 

 

Peter Pettigrew and Regulus Black

10:52 AM

 

[Reg] did you just shit yourself

 

[Pete] no

[Pete] fuck off

 

[Reg] awwww

[Reg] so you DO have feelings

[Reg] James sent me a video of you giggling as you read his message

[Reg] CAN YOU NOT ATTACK HIM PLEASE

[Reg] you’re gonna ruin his pretty face

 

[Pete] i’m telling him you said that

[Pete] he’s in a mood because of yesterday

 

[Reg] THAT WAS YOUR FAULT?

[Reg] i specifically told you NOT to tell people it was a double date because it WASNT

 

[Pete] when tf have i ever listened to a thing you say

[Pete] and i didn’t see you correcting anyone so stfu

 

Reg changed their name to Regulus

 

[Pete] OH COME ON

[Pete] okay fine fuck you

 

 

James Potter and Regulus Black

10:54 AM

 

[James] you think i have a pretty face?

 

[Reggie] no

[Reggie] i lied

[Reggie] ur actually really ugly

[Reggie] it’s nauseating

 

 

ALICE IS BAE

10:58 AM

 

[Gideon] everyone’s here?

 

[Fabian] 3

 

[Gideon] 2

 

[Fabian] 1

 

Gideon shared 1 document

 

 

Benjy Fenwick and Regulus Black

10:59 AM

 

[Ben10] well they’ve done that on purpose

 

[Regulus] “random” my ass

 

[Ben10] can we please go as James and Sirius

 

[Regulus] you read my mind

[Regulus] i’ll nick some of James’ clothes for you to try on

[Regulus] half of my wardrobe is already Sirius’ anyway

 

[Ben10] brilliant

 

 

James Potter and Peter Pettigrew

11:01 AM

 

[SIMP] YOUR BOYFRIEND IS FUCKING CRUEL

 

[Petey] NO HE IS NOT

 

[SIMP] WHY ARE REGULUS AND BENJY TOGETHER

[SIMP] THEYRE GONNA DO A CUTE COUPLES COSTUME AND IM GONNA HAVE TO SIT THERE AND WATCH

 

[Petey] WIODJWD

[Petey] it was random james

[Petey] happy accident?

 

[SIMP] no

 

 

Evan Rosier and Remus Lupin

10:59 AM

 

[Remus] are you one for dressing up?

 

[Evan] not particularly

 

[Remus] wanna go in suits and say we’re men in black and call it a day

 

[Evan] you ARE a man in Black

 

[Remus] that was terrible

 

1:16 PM

 

Remus shared 3 images

 

[Remus] well this is mine, i’m getting my mum to mail it over

[Remus] wore it at a wedding, not sure it fits now actually

 

[Evan] i’m sure sirius would love to see you in that

[Evan] i obviously already have one with me because according to my father, Hogwarts expects us to wear formal attire to our lessons

 

Evan shared 2 images

 

[Remus] and i’m sure one or two people i know would love to see YOU in that

 

[Evan] ?!?

[Evan] WHO?

 

[Remus] i’m not getting involved

 

[Evan] Prick.

 

[Remus] Bellend.

 

 

Mary Macdonald and Pandora Rosier

11:02 AM

 

[Pandora] Can we dress slutty

 

[Mary] duh

[Mary] come over rn so we can plan

 

[Pandora] 🏃‍♀️

 

 

Emmeline Vance and Lily Evans

11:02 AM

 

[Em] LILYWIIDJWOS

 

[Ev] EMMMWODKQO

 

[Em] WHERE ARE YOU RN

 

[Ev] IM RUNBING TO YOUES

[Ev] LER ME IN

 

[Em] COMINF

 

 

James Potter and Marlene McKinnon

11:01 AM

 

[Marls] stop pouting

[Marls] get out ur card, we’re going online shopping, i’m coming over and bringing my laptop with me

 

[SIMP] I’ve got gummy bears

[SIMP] did you both change my name to simp?

 

[Marls] yep <3

 

 

Bartemius Crouch Jr and Dorcas Meadowes

10:59

 

[Cas] so you know how i always say Harry Hook from the descendants films reminds me of you…

 

[Crackhead] STOP IT

 

[Cas] PLEASE I BEG OF YOU

[Cas] MARLENE SAID AGES AGO THAT UMA WAS HER GAY AWAKENING

 

[Crackhead] FINE

 

[Cas] the fact that you “caved” after less than 2 minutes already lets me know that you were never opposed to the idea

[Cas] also i may have had this planned for a few months because i wasn’t aware we’d be put into partners so ive already got my outfit and booked for my hair to be done

 

[Crackhead] and what if i didn’t agree

 

[Cas] then you’d look pretty stupid because im gonna look hot

[Cas] we’re going shopping now

 

[Crackhead] omw

 

 

Lily Evans and Bartemius Crouch Jr

3:43 PM

 

Redhead sent 4 images

 

[Redhead] those were the notes from last lesson

[Redhead] homework was an essay plan

 

Redhead sent 1 image

 

[Redhead] that’s the question and interpretations that’s goes with it

 

[Twink] thanks lily

[Twink] WHY DOES EVERYONE CHANGE MY NAME

[Twink] you spend too much time on tiktok.

[Twink] pandora has read this over my shoulder and snorted

 

[Redhead] She thinks i’m funny?

 

[Twink] not you too

[Twink] why is everyone gay

 

[Redhead] ???? SO ARE YOU????

[Redhead] also where did you get your bi flag because i want one

 

Twink sent 1 link

 

[Redhead] homework is due tomorrow btw

 

[Twink] ffs

[Twink] i’ll do it at lunch

 

 

New group

6:33 PM

 

[Peter] who wants to have a descendants movie marathon with me while we play roblox and stuff our faces with chocolate

 

[Marlene] ME

[Marlene] OMW

[Marlene] can we watch the second one first

 

[Peter] no we watch them in order.

 

[Marlene] PLEASE

[Marlene] you SO fancy Harry COME ON NOW

 

[Peter] I DO NOT

 

[James] yes you do

 

[Sirius] don’t lie

[Sirius] you always fumble whenever you see a man wear eyeliner

 

[Remus] so does james

 

[Regulus] so do you

 

 

Bartemius Crouch Jr and Dorcas Meadowes

6:38 PM

 

[Cas] yes i bought you eyeliner don’t worry your pretty little head

 

[Crackhead] how did you know that’s what i was gonna ask

 

[Cas] educated guess.

[Cas] do you fancy him?

 

[Crackhead] no. that just reminded me i forgot to get any today

[Crackhead] i’ve always been too terrified to try eyeliner how tf do you do it

 

[Cas] i put it in your bag of stuff, ask reg to show you

 

[Crackhead] no he’ll take the piss out of me

 

[Cas] ask pandora

 

[Crackhead] fine

 

 

Bartemius Crouch Jr and Pandora Rosier

6:43 PM

 

[Dumbass] wanna give me a makeup lesson

 

[Panda] FUCKING FINALLY

[Panda] omw rn

 

 

Flirting 101

7:02 PM

 

[Lily Evans] YOU TWO ARE THE WORST TEACHERS IN THE WORLD

 

[Prof. James Potter] what happened

 

[Lily Evans] i tried to do what you guys told me because i saw her as she was walking to the boys dorms

[Lily Evans] but i just made a fool of myself

[Lily Evans] she laughed at me

 

[Prof. Sirius Black] tf you mean she laughed at you

 

[Lily Evans] as in i started stumbling over my words and she laughed at me

[Lily Evans] this is all too much

[Lily Evans] i can flirt with guys just fine why tf can’t i flirt with women

 

[Prof. Sirius Black] TOO REAL

[Prof. Sirius Black] except it’s the opposite for me

[Prof. Sirius Black] not anymore

[Prof. Sirius Black] because i got remus in the end

[Prof. Sirius Black] 1 voice message

 

[Prof. James Potter] MOONY

 

[Lily Evans] ffs

 

[Prof. Sirius Black] remus wants to be a teacher too

 

[Lily Evans] kill me now

 

Prof. James Potter added Remus Lupin to Flirting 101

 

Prof. Sirius Black changed Remus’s name to Prof. Moony

 

[Prof. James Potter] where's peter, get him in on this

 

[Prof. Sirius Black] PRONGS YOU GENIUS

 

 

Sirius Black and Peter Pettigrew

7:09 PM

 

[Siri] where is pandora rn

 

[Hey Google] at bartys

[Hey Google] she sent me a snap of her eating all his food

[Hey Google] why

 

[Siri] try and find out really subtly if she likes lily

 

[Hey Google] subtly?

 

[Siri] yes

 

[Hey Google] why am i doing this

[Hey Google] what happened

 

[Siri] According to Lily, when she tried to flirt with Pandora, she just laughed at her

[Siri] and we all know lily isn’t a reliable source when it comes to this

 

[Hey Google] right okay

[Hey Google] on it!

 

[Siri] BE DISCREET

[Siri] SHOW ME WHAT YOU SEND

 

 

Bartemius Crouch Jr and Peter Pettigrew

7:15 PM

 

[Peter Pevensie] Does Pandora fancy Lily

 

[Wuss] the second she came through my door she started giggling and kicking her feet because lily stopped and spoke with her

[Wuss] we were SUPPOSED to be productive but she’s currently going on a rant about how pretty Lilys hair looked in the light

[Wuss] does that answer your question

[Wuss] can you stop with the wuss IT WAS ONE TIME

 

[Peter Pevensie] yes thank you

[Peter Pevensie] mice are lovely animals and nothing to be afraid of

[Peter Pevensie] i’ll be showing everyone the video of you screaming and crying at a tiny baby mouse on your wedding day

 

[Wuss] ffs

 

 

Sirius Black and Peter Pettigrew

7:21 PM

 

Hey Google shared 3 screenshots

 

[Siri] what part of be discreet do you not understand

 

[Hey Google] you have to ask barty questions straight out or else he won’t understand

[Hey Google] like a 4 year old

[Hey Google] don’t go showing that to lily

[Hey Google] fuck it just add me to the gc

 

 

Flirting 101

7:23 PM

 

Prof. Sirius Black added Peter to Flirting 101

 

Prof. Sirius Black changed Peter’s name to Peter Pettigrew

 

[Prof. Sirius Black] you don’t have the expertise to be a professor

 

[Peter Pettigrew] fuck off

 

[Lily Evans] i feel outnumbered

 

[Peter Pettigrew] Lily you’re overthinking this

 

[Lily Evans] i am not

 

[Peter Pettigrew] Yes you are

[Peter Pettigrew] You are beautiful, smart, funny and one of the best people i have ever had the pleasure of knowing

[Peter Pettigrew] if Pandora can’t see that then she’s not worth your time

[Peter Pettigrew] however i am 110% certain that she does see that and i’m also certain that these idiots and remus agree with me

 

[Prof. James Potter] absolutely

 

[Prof. Sirius Black] im ignoring the fact you called us idiots

 

[Prof. James Potter] where did he call us idiots

 

[Prof. Remus Lupin] Lily do you want to stay here tonight

 

[Lily Evans] yeah

 

[Peter Pettigrew] bring your ipad

[Peter Pettigrew] me and marlene are playing roblox

 

[Lily Evans] omw

[Lily Evans] i love you guys

 

[Prof. James Potter] AND WE LOVE YOU <3

 

[Prof. Sirius Black] idk ur on thin ice rn

 

[Lily Evans] love you sirius <333

 

[Prof. Sirius Black] fine

[Prof. Sirius Black] I LOVE YOU TOOOOOOO

 

 

New group

7:40 PM

 

[Marlene] who wants to go on a sweet treat run with me, peter and lily 

 

[Mary] i can’t but can you get me something

 

[Peter] why

 

[Mary] i’m doing my homework

[Mary] it’s due tomorrow morning and i refuse to wake up early to do it

 

[Evan] what shop are you going to?

 

[Peter] we were just gonna wander around a few of them

 

[Evan] right i’ll go then

[Evan] pandora is coming too, she’s just trying to fix her hair because its a mess

 

[Pandora] go fuck yourself

[Pandora] i’m bringing reggie as well

 

[Marlene] meet in 5 then

 

8:05 PM

 

Marlene shared 48 images

 

Marlene shared 3 videos

 

[Marlene] THE SECURITY GUARD THINKS PETER AND EVAN ARE STEALING

 

[Dorcas] HA

 

[Sirius] STOP

[Sirius] who wants to break into the library with us to have these photos printed out

 

[James] us as in me

 

[Sirius] who knows the code to the library because remus won’t tell us

 

[Barty] me

 

[Sirius] fancy coming along?

 

[Barty] absolutely

 

[Marlene] pandora just told the security guard to check they havent shoved valuables up their asses

 

[Lily] she also yelled “STRIP TEASE” when he asked peter to take off his jacket

 

[Dorcas] i love pandora

 

[Marlene] Peter looks like he’s going to piss himself with laughter

 

[Pandora] and evan looks like he’s going to shit himself

 

[James] where’s regulus in all this

 

[Lily] recording the whole thing

[Lily] his photography alevel lessons coming in handy

 

[Marlene] okay he’s letting them go

 

Regulus sent 1 video

 

[Barty] evan you look like you’re about to cry

 

[Evan] 🖕

Notes:

Lily is me, and I am her. We are the same

Chapter 9: There's no harm in flirting

15 October

 

New group

8:33 AM

 

[Mary] anyone know where my red jacket is?

[Mary] i’ve looked for it everywhere and i can’t find it and im starting to panic

 

[Barty] what red jacket

 

[Mary] the one that has all those flowers that lily sewed onto it

[Mary] Marlene drew stars and flowers on the collar

[Mary] all of this lot have their names written somewhere on it

 

[Sirius] my name is in the left armpit

 

[Marlene] mines on the left tit

 

[Lily] mine is on the right one

 

[Pandora] pit or tit?

 

[Remus] im in the right armpit

 

[Pandora] tit then

 

[Mary] sirius if you’ve stolen it again i will kill you

 

[Sirius] i didn’t STEAL it, i borrowed it for 15 minutes because it was baltic and YOU wanted gum so YOU made ME walk to the corner shop so fuck you

[Sirius] oh and i haven’t stolen it now

 

[Mary] i wore it yesterday where the fuck could it have gone

 

[Remus] you took it off at the weird charity shop because it was boiling in there, did you put it back on?

 

[James] Mary don’t panic

 

[Mary] oh my fucking god i’ve lost it

 

[Lily] we can go back and find it

 

[Mary] omg they’ve probably SOLD it to someone

 

[Peter] can charity shops do that?

 

[James] me and sirius are going over there now

 

[Mary] james what about lessons

 

[Sirius] Mary just try to relax, we’ll be back by period 2

 

 

Emmeline Vance and Mary Macdonald

9:05 AM

 

[Em] hey is this yours

 

Em shared 1 image

 

[Em] i saw you remus and lily walk out of this shop when i was with my friends so we went and checked it out and i recognised it

[Em] please tell me i haven’t shoplifted

 

[Mary] you found my jacket

 

[Em] so it is yours!

[Em] that’s a relief

[Em] i was certain it was yours because of all the names written on it

[Em] did james purposefully write his name wrong or is he that stupid

 

[Mary] YOU FOUND MY JACKET

[Mary] THANK FUCK

[Mary] he got distracted while writing it and didn’t want to cross it out so i’ve forever got “jamse” written on my back

[Mary] i cannot believe you found it

 

[Em] that i did

[Em] i can grab it during lunch and give it to you afterwards

[Em] you don’t have any lessons right?

 

[Mary] no but i have a thing every wednesday afternoon

[Mary] how about after school?

 

[Em] you could come with me to lunch?

 

[Mary] really?

 

[Em] yeah

[Em] i was just going to go to the dining hall but we can go somewhere just the two of us

 

[Mary] yeah sure that’ll be great

 

[Em] i’ll get you back before 1:30

[Em] meet me by my dorm?

 

[Mary] yeah okay!

 

 

New group

9:18 AM

 

[James] it wasn’t in the shop

 

[Sirius] we couldn’t find it anywhere

 

[Mary] Emmeline found it

 

[Remus] how?

 

[Mary] they went into the shop after we did with some of their friends and they recognised it

[Mary] i’m gonna have lunch with them and they’re going to give it back

 

Regulus shared 1 image

 

[Regulus] is that why they went from being a miserable cow to giggling at their phone within 30 seconds

 

[Lily] i saw that

 

[Regulus] nosy bitch

 

[Lily] insufferable cunt

 

[James] don’t argue

 

[Peter] Speccy git

 

[James] what did i do

 

[Sirius] you interrupted them

[Sirius] please continue

 

[Mary] they’ve moved to private chat

 

[Marlene] should we be concerned

 

[Remus] no they’re probably chatting shit about james

 

[James] that’s stupid

 

[Mary] i can confirm remus’ theory

 

[Sirius] zero evidence

 

Mary shared 1 image

 

[Marlene] WHEN DID LILY GET HER NAILS DONE WTAF THEY LOOK SO GOOD

 

[Peter] you’re looking at her nails? i’m looking at regulus being a simp

 

 

James Potter and Regulus Black

9:32 AM

 

[Jamie] yk you can call me gorgeous to my face, i don’t mind x

 

 

Regulus Black and Lily Evans

9:32 AM

 

[Gay Loser] you traitor

[Gay Loser] also the pfp you gave me is so uncalled for

 

[Lily] it’s literally just you

 

[Gay Loser] it’s a photo of me SLEEPING

[Gay Loser] you can see up my nose when the fuck did you even take that

 

[Lily] idk a couple of weeks ago

[Lily] Barty let me in

 

[Gay Loser] in the middle of the night?

 

[Lily] don’t be stupid

[Lily] you were napping

[Lily] in the middle of the day might i add

[Lily] very productive of you

 

[Gay Loser] when was that taken

 

[Lily] idk it was on a wednesday

 

[Gay Loser] oh

 

[Lily] OH WHAT

 

[Gay Loser] yeah i was tired because i stayed up all night

 

[Lily] doing what

 

[Gay Loser] none of your business

[Gay Loser] why tf were you in our dorm anyway

 

[Lily] barty was going to donate some of his books and gave me first dibs

[Lily] did you know you snore

 

[Gay Loser] i do not.

 

[Lily] i also did NOT read the little journal next to your bed that had RB + JP written in a heart in the bottom right corner because that’s also none of my business

 

[Gay Loser] i hate you

 

[Lily] you love me

 

[Gay Loser] untrue

[Gay Loser] false news

 

[Lily] in another lifetime, where you’re not gay and my standards are rock bottom, me and you would make a hot couple

 

[Gay Loser] true

 

[Lily] we would also send james into a coma

 

[Gay Loser] also true

[Gay Loser] but let’s focus on THIS lifetime

[Gay Loser] when are you gonna ask pandora out because i’ve got a bet to win

 

[Lily] good question!

 

Lily blocked Gay Loser

 

 

New group

1:45 PM

 

[Barty] anyone seen Evan?

 

[Sirius] i walked past him by the maths building

 

[Marlene] what were you doing by the maths building

 

[Sirius] shortcuts

 

[Marlene] right forgot you guys made that stupid map you won’t let any of us see

 

[Regulus] i’ve seen it

 

[Marlene] WHAT

 

[Sirius] HOW?

 

[Dorcas] TF

 

[Lily] we’ve been trying to get a GLIMPSE of that map since they bloody made it

 

[Marlene] bet it was james that showed him

 

[James] HEY?!

 

[Regulus] it was peter

 

[Remus] oh i knew this

 

[Sirius] REMUS??

 

[James] we’ve been betrayed

 

[Peter] YOU ASKED ME TO MAP THE SLYTHERIN DORM BUILDING

[Peter] I WAS GONNA NEED THE HELP OF A SLYTHERIN

[Peter] just a coincidence

 

[Marlene] bullshit you would have shown him anyway

 

[Peter] that’s true

 

[Sirius] i don’t understand this friendship

 

[Regulus] he’s nice to me so i buy him pretty things

 

[Pandora] i like pretty things

 

[Barty] we know

 

[Regulus] you buy yourself pretty things

 

[Pandora] i want YOU to buy ME pretty things

 

Pandora shared 1 link

 

[Pandora] there’s my christmas wish list xoxo

[Pandora] not finished yet, still working on it

 

[Regulus] half of this is just Swarvoski flowers

 

[Pandora] mhm

[Pandora] this is the list i send to my parents

[Pandora] they buy us pretty things to make up for the fact they haven’t spent a birthday with us since we were 5

[Pandora] they’re actually in Berlin this year

 

[Evan] actually next year

 

[Pandora] they LEAVE this year december 20th they come back january 5th

[Pandora] so actually im right bitch

[Pandora] no one likes a smartass evan

 

[Barty] i do 😘

 

[Dorcas] ROSEKILLER IS HAPPENING

 

[Barty] tf is a rosekiller

 

[Pandora] Rosier

[Pandora] Rosie

[Pandora] Rose

 

[Barty] IM THE KILLER?

 

[Regulus] yep

 

[Dorcas] rip benny

 

[Barty] i did not KILL my hamster he killed himself

 

[Regulus] forever missing big benny

 

[Barty] can you not call him big benny

 

[Dorcas] he was huge barty

 

Pandora shared 6 images

 

[James] wtf were you feeding him

 

[Regulus] the question should be what wasn’t he feeding him

 

[Pandora] Evans hamsters killed mine

 

[Evan] SHE DID NOT

 

[Pandora] SHE DID

[Pandora] THEN LIVED ON FOR 3 YEARS

 

[Evan] FUCK OFF

[Evan] Pandora kept trying to send her to court

 

[Regulus] tell everyone what you named your hamster Evan

 

[Evan] i’d rather not

 

[Dorcas] OMG I REMEMBER DIEGO

 

[Evan] STFU

 

[Peter] diego?

 

[Pandora] evan had an obsession with go diego go

 

[Evan] i did not

 

[Pandora] he’d start hyperventilating if diego wasn’t on the tv or if he didn’t have this diego teddy he’d carry with him everywhere that our aunt gave him

 

[Regulus] MY aunt

 

[Pandora] OUR AUNT

[Pandora] Druella was a rosier before she was a black

[Pandora] she’s OUR aunt by BLOOD

 

[Regulus] kys

 

[Pandora] suck a dick

 

[Regulus] gladly

[Regulus] barty come here

 

[Barty] 🚶

 

[Remus] why the walking emoji

 

[Barty] didn’t want to seem too eager

 

 

MARY WHERE ARE YOU

2:01 PM

 

[Marls] Mary for the love of god reply to your messages

 

[Lils] should we start a search party

 

[Cas] If we put james, regulus and sirius together they’ll find her in 3 minutes max.

 

[Mary] no need to call for a search party

 

[Marls] TELL US HOW LUNCH WITH EM WENT

 

[Mary] I WILL WHEN I GET BACK

 

[Cas] TELL US NOW

[Cas] what are you even doing

 

[Mary] schoolwork

[Mary] i got put into intervention

 

[Lils] for what?

 

[Mary] sociology

[Mary] i’m doing exam questions to practice the structure of my answers and my timings

[Mary] i’ll be out by 3:30

 

[Lils] we’ll be at your dorm

 

[Marls] will you now

 

[Cas] stfu

 

 

Evan Rosier and Mary Macdonald

3:34 PM

 

[Evan] what time friday morning again?

 

[Mary] Marlene leaves at 8

[Mary] so 8:45 is fine

[Mary] she gets back at lunch but we’re just doing the 2 hours right?

 

[Evan] 👍

 

[Mary] perf

 

[Evan] what did you end up telling them anyway

 

[Mary] that i’m in sociology intervention

[Mary] it’s what i did in year 11 because of my dyslexia, helps me to structure my answers and stuff like that so they bought it

 

[Evan] and what happens if you ACTUALLY get put into intervention

 

[Mary] now you see this is why my brilliant coverup is so brilliant

[Mary] i already am

[Mary] kind of

[Mary] i don’t have to go to intervention at a specific time, i just have to hand in a completed essay with an essay plan to my teacher by every wednesday morning so she can go over it with me during break because she trusts me that i’ll actually do it

 

[Evan] smart

 

[Mary] i know i’m fabulous

[Mary] did your hamster actually kill Pandoras?

 

[Evan] right that’s enough

 

 

New group

5:55 PM

 

[Marlene] can we all go to dinner at the dining hall

[Marlene] i want meatballs

 

[Remus] sure

 

[Mary] OH LETS ALL SIT TOGETHER

 

[Regulus] at what table

 

[Sirius] gryffindor obviously

 

[Barty] BOOOO

 

[Pandora] YEAH BOOOOO

 

[Dorcas] i don’t think you two have once eaten at the ravenclaw table in the entire time we’ve been at hogwarts

 

[Barty] LIES

 

[Pandora] we ate there on our first night

 

[Regulus] and after that?

 

[Barty] the weekend that you and evan were both sick

 

[Evan] again that was first year

 

[Pandora] stfu

 

[James] it’s either you 5 sneak to the gryffindor table or 9 of us sneak to slytherin OR 10 of us sneak to ravenclaw

 

[Pandora] gryffindor it is

 

[Regulus] let’s get a move on then guys

 

7:33 PM

 

Marlene removed James, Sirius, Peter and Barty from New group

 

[Marlene] I hate all four of them and hope they burn in hell

 

[Remus] it wasn’t THAT bad

 

Regulus removed Remus from New group

 

[Mary] i thought food fights only happened in movies

 

[Lily] they SHOULD only happen in movies

 

 

Sirius Black and Regulus Black

7:35 PM

 

[Siri] ADD US BACK

 

[Reggie] NO

[Reggie] FUCK YOU

 

[Siri] IT WASNT ME THAT STARTED IT

 

[Reggie] THAT MEATBALL HIT ME RIGHT IN THE EYE

 

[Siri] THAT WASNT ME

 

[Reggie] YES IT WAS

 

[Siri] THEN IT WASNT MEANT FOR YOU

 

[Reggie] NO YOURE NOT GETTING ADDED BACK

[Reggie] Marlene has my full support.

 

Reggie changed their name to Regulus

 

 

Peter Pettigrew and Regulus Black

7:37 PM

 

[Reg] i see you typing

[Reg] the answer is no

 

Reg changed their name to Regulus

 

[Pete] OH COME ON

 

 

Bartemius Crouch Jr and Regulus Black

7:38 PM

 

[Bartemius] ADD ME BACK NOW.

 

[Reginald] No

[Reginald] <3

 

Reginald changed their name to Regulus

 

 

Remus Lupin and Regulus Black

7:38 PM

 

[ReM] Come on Regulus I thought we had an understanding

 

[ReG] “it wasn’t that bad”

[ReG] die

 

[ReM] ffs

 

ReG changed their name to Regulus

 

[ReM] i literally JUST got you to agree to reg

 

 

James Potter and Regulus Black

7:39 PM

 

[Jamie] cmon reggie add us back

 

[Reggie] no

 

[Jamie] add just me back?

 

[Reggie] no

[Reggie] i have sauce in my hair

[Reggie] that was YOUR fault

 

[Jamie] if i help you wash it out can you add us back?

 

[Reggie] you want to wash my hair?

 

[Jamie] mhm :)

 

[Reggie] yeah okay then

 

 

New group

8:17 PM

 

Regulus added James to New group

 

James added Sirius, Remus, Peter and Bartemius to New group

 

[Marlene] you’re a weak weak man regulus.

[Marlene] Evan is now my favourite

 

[Pandora] he was the one that threw your pasta at sirius

 

[Marlene] nvm fuck you evan

 

[Lily] how bad of a punishment did you lot get

 

[Sirius] it wasn't us that started it

 

[Dorcas] thats a load of crap dont lie to us

 

[Sirius] okay they don't KNOW FOR SURE it was us that started it

 

[Mary] that’s impossible how could they not know

 

[James] someone vouched for us

 

[Lily] who?

 

[Remus] idfk

 

[Peter] i think gideon had something to do with it

 

[James] i didn’t see him or fabian today, where were they?

 

[Peter] at the ravenclaw table with benjy and emmeline

 

[Marlene] regulus and mary shitting themselves rn

 

[Regulus] i’m starting a lesbian hate club

 

[Mary] can i join?

 

[Dorcas] OI?

 

[Pandora] TF DID I DO?

 

 

Gideon Prewett and Peter Pettigrew

8:30 PM

 

[Gideon] next time you guys want to cause absolute chaos let me and fab know, we’d gladly help out

 

[Pete] you were lobbing muffins at avery and mulciber while fabian was chasing benjy with a drumstick

[Pete] i think you guys definitely helped us out tonight

 

[Gideon] looking for me were you?

 

[Pete] obviously

 

[Gideon] remind me to thank that crouch kid next time i see him

 

[Pete] Barty?

[Pete] what for?

 

[Gideon] snape was constantly aiming at you, barty kept batting whatever he was throwing away with a serving tray

[Gideon] you didn’t notice?

 

[Pete] no i was focused on you

 

Incoming call from Gideon

 

 

New group

8:45 PM

 

James shared 1 document

 

[James] this email is gonna be sent out at 9

 

[Mary] that’s so unfair

 

[Evan] i can’t open it what’s it say

 

[Regulus] basically that anyone who went to dinner tonight will have to clean the dining hall up tomorrow morning during lessons

 

[Evan] brilliant.

 

[Mary] i have thursday mornings off fml

[Mary] i was looking forward to a lie in

 

[James] sorry guys

 

[Sirius] i’m not sorry

[Sirius] at all

[Sirius] neither is james, he’s just a people pleaser

 

[James] let’s not call me out in the gc thank you

 

[Peter] i’m not sorry either

 

[Bartemius] same

 

Peter changed Bartemius's name to Barty

 

 

Unholy Trinity

8:49 PM

 

[Reggie] what the fuck was that

 

[Barty] what was what

 

[Reggie] that noise you just made

 

[Ev] i think he squealed

 

[Reggie] barty wtf is wrong with you

[Reggie] did you clap your hands and jump up and down too?

 

[Ev] SHUT UP DID YOU

 

[Barty] NO

 

[Reggie] oh you're down bad

 

[Barty] EVAN IS TOO

 

[Ev] AM NOT

 

[Barty] ARE TOO

 

[Reggie] how many taylor swift songs have you assigned to him

 

[Barty] im not answering that

 

[Ev] simp

 

[Barty] i'll get over it leave me alone

 

[Reggie] why would you get over it?

 

[Barty] he's got a boyfriend.

 

[Reggie] okay and?

[Reggie] i live for drama

[Reggie] there's no harm in flirting

Chapter 10: Stranger Danger

31 October

 

Alice is BAE

9:32 PM

 

[Bae’s bae] Regulus, Pandora, Sirius, Evan ily all but get your friends to hurry tf up

 

[Regulus] does that mean i’m the favourite cousin

 

[Pandora] NO?

 

[Bae’s bae] i love you two equally

 

[Sirius] ?!?

 

[Evan] WHAT ABOUT US?

 

[Bae’s bae] i love you two a little less

[Bae’s bae] sirius you know you’re andy’s favourite

[Bae’s bae] and evan you’re bella’s favourite

[Bae’s bae] Regulus and Pandora are mine

 

[Regulus] get FUCKED

 

[Pandora] YEAH 🖕

 

[BAE] there are strangers here

 

[Emmeline] STRANGER DANGER

 

[Gideon] they are not strangers

 

[Fabian] we know all of them

 

[BAE] YOU do

[BAE] WE don’t

 

[Bae’s bae] there’s a blonde here who keeps flirting with benjy help

 

[Benjy] yeah help

[Benjy] regulus hurry tf up, my costume makes no sense without you

 

[Regulus] i’m in the uber with barty and evan keep your knickers on

 

[Benjy] you know damn well i’m not wearing any

 

[Fabian] WOAHHHHH

 

[Benjy] that came out wrong

 

[Regulus] yes it did

 

[Pandora] Evan came out wrong

 

[Evan] fuck off

 

[Pandora] you came out backwards

 

[Sirius] omfg are you on about his birth

 

[Pandora] no? r u thick?

 

[Benjy] i would like to let everuone know i am wearing underwear

[Benjy] im not wearing THAT kind of underwear

[Benjy] im gonna start doing shots now

 

[Regulus] WTF? WAIT FOR ME?

[Regulus] literally 2 minutes WAIT

 

[Sirius] i still don’t understand why we couldn’t see your costume reg

 

[Benjy] you have to see it with mine

 

[James] what? are you dressed as a couple

 

[Regulus] yep

 

[Sirius] what

 

[James] you said you weren’t

 

[Benjy] the couple we’re dressed as don’t know about their feelings for each other

 

[Evan] Barty just snorted and choked on his gummy bear and coughed it out on the dashboard

[Evan] the driver looks like he wants to kill him

 

[Regulus] we’re here

 

[Barty] SIRIUS AND JAMES HURRRY TF UP THIS IS SO FUNNY

[Barty] also dorcas where are you

 

[Dorcas] literally in the car rn

[Dorcas] i can see youuuu

 

[Barty] PERV 🫵

 

 

James Potter and Regulus Black

9:52 PM

 

[Jamie] i made u a drink where r u

 

[Reggie] stand still stop moving i’ll find you

 

10:02 PM

 

[Jamie] i made u another one

 

[Reggie] you don’t have to keep making me drinks james

 

[Jamie] but i want to

[Jamie] you look hot btw

 

[Reggie] thank you james

[Reggie] im dressed as my brother and that’s when you decide to tell me im hot

[Reggie] you’re never beating the prongsfoot allegations

 

[Jamie] ffs

 

 

Henry 8’s bitches (ft pandora)

11:22 PM

 

[Regulus] whers peteer

 

[Barty] with me

[Barty] evan stck up tree nd trying to gt him down

 

[Lily] why

 

[Remus] why is regulus looking for peter or why is evan up a tree

 

[Lily] both

 

[Barty] there was a squirrel

 

[Pandora] maks sansa

[Pandora] lily whee r u i have ur deink

 

[Regulus] is this gideon or fabian

 

Regulus shared 1 image

 

[Mary] who the fuck is the girl

[Mary] i hate tht idk most ppl here

 

[Remus] i can’t tell if that’s gideon or fabian

[Remus] fuck

 

[Regulus] keep peter outside

 

[Barty] i’ll kill him

 

[Remus] wait let me check who it is

[Remus] sirus doesnt know

[Remus] gideon’s the one with the eyepatch

[Remus] they’re dressed as the twins from tangled

 

[Mary] yeah that’s gideon then

 

[Lily] wtf?

 

 

New group

11:33 PM

 

Peter shared 3 videos

 

[Peter] somone help us pls

[Peter] we canr get him down

 

[Marlene] u lafin in bacgrownd is finny

 

[Remus] pardon?

 

[Barty] bitch is scared of heights

 

[Peter] anyoa know wheee gidwon is he can probbly help

 

[Mary] i LOVE heights

[Mary] i’ll help

 

[Dorcas] whts ur 5’5 ass gunno do

 

[Remus] coming

 

[Sirius] THATS WHAY HE SAID

 

[James] just burped

 

[Regulus] how pleasant.

 

 

1 November

 

 

New group

10:22 AM

 

[Jamesypoo] why are there 14 vibrators in my amazon cart

 

[Reguluslsus] because we went on a shopping spree

 

[Siriussy] WE?

 

[Jamesypoo] but i don’t want 14 vibrators

 

[Reguluslsus] don’t buy them then?

 

[Jamesypoo] good idea

 

[Peteye] SHUT UP

[Peteye] what is WRONG with you all

 

[Siriussy] excuse me?

 

[Remus] ur excused

 

[Lilyses] and i’m not ur bruh

 

[dorcASS] HAHAHAHHA

 

[evnanna] no yelling please

 

[PandASS] why has barty got “justin 4 life” written all over his back

 

[evnanna] shhhhhh

 

[Melvin] who tf is melvin

 

[MOOOOO] not sure

 

[Peteye] can we change the names back this is giving me a headache

 

[Reguluslsus] you give me a headache

 

[Peteye] someone’s cranky

 

[Reguluslsus] z

 

[Melvin] zayn malik what a fucking BEAUTY

 

 

Gideon hate club (maybe)

10:29 AM

 

Sirius added Remus, James, Regulus, Lily, Marlene, Mary, Dorcas, Pandora, Evan and Bartemius to Gideon hate club (maybe)

 

[Bartemius] why was i added last

 

[Remus] i was added first 🖕

 

[Mary] are we all certain it was gideon

 

[Sirius] wtf do we do

 

[Evan] tell peter?

 

[James] we can’t tell him this

 

[Bartemius] what? why?

 

[Sirius] Peter has been cheated on before, it happening AGAIN is just gonna break him

 

[Remus] sirius im 99% sure peter wouldn’t want everyone knowing that

 

[Sirius] oh

[Sirius] pretend i never sent that

 

[Marlene] i just don’t think gideon would cheat on peter

 

[James] i don’t either

 

[Sirius] im talking to gideon

 

[Remus] sirius no

 

[James] ill do it

 

[Lily] james.

 

[Regulus] fucks sake i’ll do it

[Regulus] what’s his number

 

James shared 1 contact

 

 

Gideon Prewett and Regulus Black

10:44 AM

 

[Regulus] before i go on a tangent insulting you and your entire bloodline

 

Regulus shared 4 images

 

[Regulus] is this you?

 

[Gideon] first of all hello!

[Gideon] and no that is not me

 

[Regulus] i don’t believe you

 

[Gideon] then why ask

 

[Regulus] that’s your costume right there

 

[Gideon] that’s fabian’s costume right there

[Gideon] he’s wearing my eyepatch

[Gideon] we thought it would be funny and see how many people got us mixed up

[Gideon] i didn’t cheat on Peter

[Gideon] regulus?

 

[Regulus] he has 11 guard dogs ready to pounce on you if you do

[Regulus] and 3 of them are quite literally insane

 

[Gideon] you sirius and marlene?

 

[Regulus] Pandora, Barty and Evan.

 

 

Gideon hate club (maybe)

10:56 AM

 

[Regulus] it was fabian

[Regulus] with the girl

 

[James] it was?

 

[Regulus] he said fabian wore the eyepatch because they thought it would be funny and see who would mix them up

 

[Sirius] they’ve done that before

 

[Mary] do we believe him

 

[James] he’s given us no reason to not trust him

 

[Mary] where even is peter

 

[Sirius] i thought he was with you guys

 

 

New group

11:00 AM

 

[James] oh who changed the names

 

[Peter] i did

 

[Sirius] PEYER WHERW ARE YOU

 

[Peter] i’m at gideons?

 

Dorcas changed Barty’s name to Bartholomew

 

[Bartholomew] die

 

 

 

marauders

3:12 PM

 

[wormtail] gideon told me about the photo

[wormtail] he thought it was funny that regulus and you lot thought it was him

[wormtail] is that why you all tried keeping me outside for an hour

 

[prongs] maybe

 

[padfoot] peter?

 

[moony] pete are you alright?

 

[wormtail] i believe him when he says it was fabian

 

[padfoot] so do we

[padfoot] it WAS fabian

[padfoot] i asked him and he confirmed it

 

[wormtail] when did you ask him

 

[padfoot] after regulus confronted gideon

 

[wormtail] when did that happen

 

[prongs] this morning

 

[wormtail] i’ve just been dropped off, i’m coming up to the dorm now

[wormtail] im okay guys really

 

[moony] wanna watch gilmore girls while stuffing our faces with junk food

 

[wormtail] YES

[wormtail] invite regulus, i got him watching it and he’s on season 6

 

[moony] on it

 

 

FUCKING SLAG

3:17 PM

 

[Marls] Mary

[Marls] tell them what you just told me

 

[Lils] gossip

 

[Cas] spill

 

[M] i kissed emmeline last night

 

[Lils] WHAT

 

[M] technically they kissed me

 

[Cas] AND YOURE ONLY TELLING US NOW

 

[Lils] you don’t seem happy

[Lils] why aren’t you happy

 

[Cas] mary?

 

[M] i don’t think they remember

[M] or they’re pretending they don’t remember

 

[Lils] oh mary

 

[M] i hate halloween

 

[Marls] what the fuck are you two waiting for? get over here now

 

[Lils] On my way!

[Lils] On my way!

[Lils] On my way!

[Lils] On my way!

 

[Marls] that made her laugh

 

[Cas] everything makes mary laugh

 

[M] i find the fact that i finally snogged the person i’ve fancied for the past 2 years and they don’t remember it happening VERY funny

 

[Cas] omg emmeline has broken mary

 

[Lils] im running

 

[M] you don’t run

 

[Lils] i’m speed walking

 

[Marls] that’s more believable

 

 

Bartys mum is a wonderful lady who we have the upmost respect for

3:29 PM

 

[Regulus] who knew halloween would send people into such a spiral

 

[Dorcas] any of you lot also having a crisis?

 

[Barty] i can’t get justin 4 life off my back

 

[Pandora] does that constitute a crisis?

 

[Barty] yes.

 

[Pandora] i don’t think it does

 

[Barty] are you high

 

[Pandora] i wish

 

[Evan] who’s having a crisis

 

[Dorcas] barty

 

[Regulus] Barty

 

[Pandora] Barty

 

[Barty] who wants to do my homework for me

 

[Pandora] what’s it for

 

[Barty] history

 

[Evan] what part of history

 

[Barty] tudors

 

[Pandora] ME PLEASE

[Pandora] I BEG YOU

 

[Barty] it’s about Henry 7th

 

[Pandora] nvm

Notes:

I love peter with all my heart

Whether or not you believe gideon is up to you, you get to decide if he's fibbing or not.

Chapter 11: I like to take pictures of pretty things

3 November

 

 

New group

00:00 AM

 

[Pandora] HAOOYBBIEYJTSAY RUSHIS

 

[Evan] what the fuck

 

[Pandora] i said it first

 

[Evan] you texted it first

[Evan] i’ve been sat next to him for the past 15 minutes waiting for the clock to hit midnight

[Evan] you were 4 seconds too late <3

 

[Regulus] you’re both insane

 

[Sirius] what about me

 

[Pandora] happy birthday to you too sirius

 

[Remus] I said happy birthday to sirius first so fuck you all

[Remus] happy birthday regulus

 

[Regulus] thanks

[Regulus] bedtime?

 

[Sirius] FUCK NO?

 

[Lily] happy birthday sirius

[Lily] happy birthday regulus x

 

[Regulus] HAHA I GOT A KISS FUCK YOU

 

[Sirius] BUT I GOT A TEXT FIRST

 

[Regulus] i will beat your ass

 

[Sirius] i’d like to see you try

[Sirius] when are we getting shitfaced

 

[James] not now

[James] i’m still recovering from halloween

 

[Mary] i’m fully recovered

[Mary] let’s go get pissed

 

[Lily] we have school tomorrow

 

[Barty] today*

 

[Lily] don’t get smart with me

 

[Mary] where are my mini cheddars

 

[Marlene] i ate the last packet soz

 

[Mary] wtaf

 

[Marlene] I WAS HUNGRY

 

[Mary] EAT YOUR OWN SNACKS

 

[Dorcas] you two literally share a room why are you texting each other

 

[Mary] i’ve had a long hard day so i’ve gone non verbal until further notice

 

08:12 AM

 

[Sirius] BABE WHERES MY EYELINER

 

[Marlene] which one of us are you talking to?

 

[Peter] me

[Peter] idfk where it is

 

[James] no he’s talking to me

[James] when has he ever called YOU babe

 

[Peter] yesterday

 

[Marlene] he actually called me babe 10 minutes ago

 

[Sirius] obviously i was talking to remus

 

[Remus] you’ve never called me babe

[Remus] ever

[Remus] my guess was actually gonna be Lily

 

[Regulus] i was gonna guess Barty

 

[Peter] since when was barty promoted to babe

 

[Barty] two weeks ago

 

[Peter] Fuck off

 

[Barty] never 👹

 

[Marlene] sirius are you doing birthday makeup

 

[Sirius] no

 

[Dorcas] don’t you fucking lie to us

 

[Sirius] fine i am

 

[Mary] SLUT 🫵

 

[Pandora] barty is a slut

 

[Barty] what did i do

 

[Evan] slut shaming is not okay guys

 

[Dorcas] you’re only saying that because regulus literally had to sit you down and explain that yelling “WHORES” at couples holding hands on the street was in fact not okay

 

[Pandora] they weren’t HOLDING HANDS they were practically eating each others faces it was disgusting

 

[Evan] he didn’t tell us it “wasn’t okay” he said that’s the kind of thing you say in private, not when you’re 5 feet away from them

 

[Regulus] if you lot are all finished arguing we ALL have lessons to go to

 

[Sirius] you’re not ditching?

 

[Regulus] no?

 

 

Sirius Black and Regulus Black

08:22 AM

 

[Siri] YOURE SO BORING

[Siri] SKIP WITH ME

 

[Reggie] NO

[Reggie] I LIKE MY LESSONS THANK YOU

 

[Siri] NO YOU DONT

[Siri] DONT LIE

 

[Reggie] IM NOT LYING

 

[Siri] don’t be a bitch

 

[Reggie] i’ll skip next year then

 

[Siri] we’re not negotiating

 

[Reggie] yes we are

[Reggie] also what are we doing tonight

 

[Siri] Remus says they’ve all planned something for us today and then there’s the party this weekend

 

[Reggie] great a party

 

[Siri] stfu they spent ages planning this don’t be ungrateful

 

[Reggie] i’m very grateful

 

[Siri] yeah right

[Siri] you have to AT LEAST skip your afternoon lessons

[Siri] because we leave here at 12:30

 

[Reggie] ffs

[Reggie] leave how?

 

[Siri] they may have hired a minivan and a driver

 

[Reggie] a mini van that seats 12 and a driver?

 

[Siri] FINE a mini BUS then

 

[Reggie] fine i’ll skip the afternoon

 

 

Sirius Black and James Potter

08:29 AM

 

[Pads] convince him to skip the morning as well

 

[Prongs] on it 🫡

 

 

James Potter and Regulus Black

08:31 AM

 

[Jamie] wanna go walk around town and buy a stupid amount of books with me??

 

[Reggie] what now?

 

[Jamie] yeah!

 

[Reggie] we have lessons

 

[Jamie] exactly!

[Jamie] meaning town will be practically empty

[Jamie] no people

[Jamie] we have to be back by 12:15 tho!

 

[Reggie] you don’t like shopping for books

[Reggie] or reading

 

[Jamie] yeah but YOU do

[Jamie] and it’s YOUR birthday

[Jamie] i just want to spend time with you

 

[Reggie] okay fine meet me by the bus stop

 

[Jamie] On my way!

 

 

Sirius Black and James Potter

08:35 AM

 

Prongs shared 1 screenshot

 

[Prongs] does this count as a date

 

[Pads] did you ASK?

[Pads] as in “would you go on a date with me?”

 

[Prongs] no

 

[Pads] then he won’t think it’s a date

[Pads] and if you’re gonna ask my brother on a date do it properly and ACTUALLY PLAN ONE

 

[Prongs] got it

[Prongs] I SEE HIM BYE PADFOOT

 

[Pads] can’t believe you fancy my BROTHER

 

Pads changed Prongs’s name to brotherfucker

 

[brotherfucker] oi!

 

 

New group

12:02 PM

 

Evan shared 1 voice note

02:32 minutes

 

[Marlene] even i’m a bit shocked at that language

 

[Pandora] Bartys never been one to hold back

 

[Dorcas] i’m certain his first word was cunt

 

[James] what the fuck did i do to be cussed out like that

 

[Evan] he banged his elbow on the door frame

 

[Barty] it hurt like a bitch

 

[James] how is that MY fault

 

[Barty] 🤷‍♂️

 

[Remus] everyone meet at the car park at 12:25

 

[James] we’re on our way back now

 

[Marlene] ?!?

 

[Regulus] we went into town

 

[Pandora] pardon

 

 

Barty is sexy

12:04 PM

 

[Pandora] who lied in the group name

 

[Dorcas] WAS THAT A DATE

 

[Regulus] no?

 

[Barty] pandora why are you SUCH a bitch

 

[Pandora] STFU BARTY OUR REGGIE HERE HAD HIS FIRST DATE

 

[Regulus] i’ve been on dates before

 

[Evan] not with james though

 

[Barty] did you kiss?

 

[Regulus] no

 

[Barty] BORING

 

[Regulus] and it wasn’t a date

 

[Pandora] BORING

 

[Evan] who else was there

 

[Regulus] no one?

 

[Dorcas] soooooo a date?

 

[Regulus] no.

 

[Barty] YAWN

[Barty] get a move on you two

 

[Regulus] what is it you want me to do?

[Regulus] harass the bus driver to drive faster?

 

[Dorcas] yell “cheers drive” when you get off

 

[Evan] WILL YOU STOP IT WITH THAT

 

[Dorcas] no 🖕

 

 

marauders

12:11 PM

 

[prongs] his friends thinks it’s a date

 

[padfoot] how’d you know that?

 

[moony] my bet is he was reading over regulus shoulder as he was texting them

 

[wormtail] barty has already spammed me asking if james will mind him playing the banjo at the wedding

 

[padfoot] why’d he ask YOU?

 

[wormtail] why would he ask YOU?

 

[padfoot] i’m gonna be the best man

 

[wormtail] as if

 

[prongs] im not getting involved in this

 

[wormtail] when we were 7 years old we both swore that we would be each others best men

[wormtail] we signed a contract

 

[padfoot] ?!?!?!

 

[moony] can’t argue with that

 

[padfoot] REMUS?

 

prongs shared 1 image

 

[prongs] he’s so cute

 

[moony] he’s flipping off the camera while scowling

 

[prongs] your point?

 

 

Regulus Black and Sirius Black

1:01 PM

 

[Reggie] Sirius, don’t cry

 

[Siri] i will cry

 

[Reggie] STOP IT

[Reggie] I CAN SEE YOU TEARING UP

[Reggie] IF YOU CRY, I’LL CRY

 

[Siri] i can’t believe they’ve done this

[Siri] Lazer tag, bowling, trampoline park, and they’ve rented out an entire soft play

[Siri] i mentioned to remus YEARS ago, all the things me and you wanted to do for our birthday when we were younger but our parents never allowed us to do

[Siri] i cannot believe he remembered

 

[Reggie] don't cry in front of everyone

[Reggie] you’re so in love it’s sickening

 

[Siri] the ice skating must have been your friends doing

 

[Reggie] actually i mentioned it to james in year 8 when he asked us what we were doing for our birthday

[Reggie] i said boring party with a shit tonne of people i don’t know

[Reggie] he said what do you WANT to do

[Reggie] i hate him

 

[Siri] no you don’t

 

[Reggie] no i don’t

 

 

New group

1:28 PM

 

[Evan] HOW LONG ARE YOU GUYS GONNA BE

 

[Barty] I WANNA SHOOT REGULUS

 

[Regulus] it’s LAZER guns

 

[Barty] so?

 

[Lily] fuck off leave us alone

 

[Marlene] this is sexism

 

[Lily] misogyny

 

[Sirius] why do girls go to the bathroom together

 

[Dorcas] safety in numbers

 

[Pandora] i made a friend with an elderly woman that was taking her grandkids out for a day

[Pandora] apparently their school was shut because a bunch of the year 11s set off rats in the hallways

 

[Peter] slay?

 

[Mary] we’re coming back now

 

2:36 PM

 

[Peter] the driver looks like marlene’s dad

 

[Marlene] HE DOES NOT

 

[James] HE DOES

 

[Barty] let’s see a photo for comparison

 

James shared 1 image

 

[Marlene] you found that awfully quick.

 

[Mary] HAHAHHAHA

 

[Remus] why are we texting when we’re literally all in the same vehicle

 

[Barty] we can’t talk about the driver in front of the driver

 

[Peter] this is why you’re not invited to gossip sessions

 

[Sirius] you have gossip sessions?

 

[Peter] yep

 

[Mary] and you’re not invited

 

[Marlene] you’re usually the topic of discussion

 

[Barty] no last week the topic of discussion was regulus’ haircut

 

[Regulus] wtf??

 

7:14 PM

 

[Marlene] BARTY IS ABOUT TO DO THE DEATH SLIDE

 

[Barty] NO IM NOT

 

[Marlene] EVERYONE GET HERE NOW

 

7:33 PM

 

[Evan] i’m getting everyone slushies who wants what

 

[Pandora] BLUE AND RED

 

[Lily] Red x

 

[Remus] red for me and peter

 

[Siri] BLUE FOR ME AND REGGIE

 

[Barty] blue and red

 

[Dorcas] i’ll come with you

 

[Marlene] i know what mary and james want so i’ll come too

 

10:02 PM

 

Marlene shared 14 videos

Marlene shared 47 images

 

Mary shared 21 videos

 

Regulus shared 12 images

 

Barty shared 114 images

Barty shared 67 videos

 

[Pandora] what the actual fuck barty

 

[Barty] it’s not every day your best friend turns 17

 

[Remus] half of those pictures are evan and peter

 

[Barty] so? I like to take pictures of pretty things

 

[Evan] stawp

 

 

Peter Pettigrew and Regulus Black

10:08 PM

 

[Regulus] HAHAHAH

 

[Pete] apparently i’m pretty

 

[Regulus] he lied

 

[Pete] you’re ugly

 

[Regulus] now YOURE lying

 

[Pete] james told me about the “whore of a cashier” in town today

 

[Regulus] he was not a WHORE

[Regulus] he simply wrote his number and name on my receipt

 

[Pete] and what are you gonna do about that

 

[Regulus] burn it

Notes:

SOOOOOOO i may have written this chapter on my laptop then forgot my laptop at my dads so I had to wait to get it back before i could post it. This is also a bit shorter than normal pls dont hate me. <333

Chapter 12: SIMP

6 November

 

Future Chemists

3:44 PM

 

[Reggie] HAVE YOU TWO ACTUALLY CHECKED THE ASSIGNMENT SLUGHORN SET US

[Reggie] GO CHECK IT RIGHT NOW

[Reggie] I’m about to go guzzle some bleach

 

Reggie changed their name to Regulus

 

[Marls] ITS 14 PAGES LONG

[Marls] IS HE INSANE

 

[Pete] It's double sided so actually its 28 

 

[Marls] FONT 11

[Marls] i’m going to poison his food

 

[Pete] i WONT be right back, im gonna throw myself into oncoming traffic

 

[Regulus] this is going to take ages

 

[Marls] Chat I can’t do this one last minute i fear

 

[Pete] marlene you have to get off tiktok

 

[Marls] i’m going to have to delete all social media for the next 5 days if this is going to get done

 

[Pete] you’ll be busy all day friday with practice in the morning and lessons in the afternoon, saturday because of Regulus and Sirius’ birthday party, hungover sunday and a full day of lessons monday and it’s due tuesday

 

[Marls] omg i’m gonna have to be a nerd and do it now

[Marls] fuck

 

[Regulus] if you’re doing it now then so am i

 

[Marls] fuck okay

[Marls] meet me in the library

[Marls] i’ll get us a table

[Marls] peter you’re coming too get a move on

 

[Pete] well i WAS going to get you a red bull but i guess ill just come straight to the library

 

[Marls] love you peter

 

[Regulus] what about me?

 

[Pete] rubicon raw?

 

[Regulus] yes please <3

 

[Marls] you’re so gay

[Marls] drink red bull like a real man

 

[Regulus] and what are you??

 

[Marls] a lesbian?

 

[Pete] you sure?

 

[Marls] fuck off and hurry up

 

 

New group

4:06 PM

 

Peter shared 5 images

 

[Peter] chat, this is an unexpected pairing

 

[Marlene] YOU LITERALLY YELLED AT ME FOR SAYING THAT NOT 20 MINUTES AGO

 

[Sirius] is marlene… doing homework…. the day it’s set????

 

[Marlene] i’m gonna burn the jumper i gave you

 

[Sirius] NO THATS MY FAVOUROTE PRESESNT I GOT

 

[Remus] that 'present' was a jumper marlene literally stole from my wardrobe and wrapped up in tesco bag

 

[Marlene] okay and?

 

[Barty] wtf why wasn’t i invited to this study sesh

 

[Lily] because last time you went to a study sesh you kept throwing MY pencils at sirius

 

[Sirius] THAT WAS YOU????

 

[Barty] no. this is slander

 

Pandora shared 4 videos

 

[Barty] okay it was me

[Barty] i was coerced

 

[Mary] by who

 

[Lily] me

[Lily] but that’s besides the point

 

[Peter] Regulus is on the verge of tears

 

[Regulus] am not

 

Marlene shared 1 image

 

 

marauders

4:16 PM

 

[moony] SIMP

 

[prongs] IM NOT A SIMP

 

[wormtail] what

 

[padfoot] james has just SPRINTED out the dorm with a bag of haribo strawberries to cheer regulus up

 

[wormtail] SOQODJW

 

[padfoot] for the love of god please record him

 

[wormtail] marlene’s on it

 

 

New group

8:44 PM

 

[Dorcas] ARE THEY STILL WORKING ON THIS STUPID CHEMISTRY ASSIGNMENT

 

[Barty] let me check

 

[James] are you not sat with them??

 

[Pandora] we got banished to the other side of the library

 

[Sirius] why

 

[Evan] Barty stuck his tongue in Regulus

[Evan] REGULUS’ EAR

[Evan] IN HIS EAR

[Evan] NOT IN HIM

 

[Peter] wanky

 

[Barty] they’re on page 9

 

[James] out of?

 

[Barty] 28

 

[Dorcas] ffs

 

[Mary] doesn’t the library shut at 10

 

[Sirius] regulus is practically Pince’s child, she’ll let him stay as long as he wants

 

[Regulus] damn right

[Regulus] she’s already given me the keys to lock up <3

 

[Marlene] and she said she’ll give slughorn a bollocking for this abomination of an assignment

 

[Peter] there’s nothing practical about it either

[Peter] it’s ALL theory

 

[Regulus] i’m on the verge of tears again

 

 

marauders

8:55 PM

 

[moony] AND HES OFF AGAIN

 

[padfoot] AHHA

 

[wormtail] this is an interesting development

 

[padfoot] i’m not sure how i feel about this

[padfoot] we’re TWINS, does this means prongs is attracted to me as well

 

[wormtail] you’re not identical sirius

[wormtail] with your logic that means remus is attracted to regulus as well

 

[padfoot] MOONY?

 

[moony] absolutely not

[moony] he is pretty tho i’ll give him that

 

[padfoot] WTF?

 

[moony] oh please, you know you’re gorgeous

 

[padfoot] that i do

 

[wormtail] I CANT WITH THIS MAN

 

[moony] what’s he done

 

[wormtail] he’s literally just sat next to regulus telling him how smart and amazing and beautiful he is

[wormtail] makes me sick

 

[padfoot] where’s gideon

[padfoot] maybe we could put him and james in a competition

 

[wormtail] i actually have no idea

[wormtail] i sent him a voice note to rant about the assignment but he’s not opened it yet

 

[moony] he normally opens your messages before you even send it

 

[padfoot] he sees you’re typing and jumps to open it immediately

 

[wormtail] he’s probably just busy

[wormtail] oh my god are they dating?

 

[moony] james and regulus?

[moony] i don’t think so

 

[padfoot] james would have told me if they were

 

wormtail shared 1 image

 

[padfoot] IS REGULUS SAT IN HIS LAP

 

[wormtail] marlene is wetting herself rn

 

 

Peter Pettigrew and Bartemius Crouch Jr

9:01 PM

 

[Barty] am i seeing what i think im seeing

 

[Pete] what do you think you’re seeing

 

[Barty] Regulus and James

 

[Pete] then you’d be correct

 

[Barty] ARE THEY DATING

 

[Pete] the general consensus is no

 

[Barty] ffs

[Barty] i’m gonna be hearing regulus whinging about this when we get back to the dorms

 

[Pete] don’t think you will actually

 

[Barty] ?!?!

 

[Pete] he’s fallen asleep on james

[Pete] we’re going back to the dorm now

 

[Barty] WTFWIJD

 

[Pete] wanna come with?

 

[Barty] yeah sure

[Barty] Evan is coming too

[Barty] Pandora is off to find lily and dorcas

 

[Pete] 👍

[Pete] marlene told me to tell you to tell pandora to wait for her

 

[Barty] both of you get a move on

 

[Pete] you got your ipad?

 

[Barty] always

 

[Pete] wanna play roblox?

 

[Barty] always

 

 

7 November

 

 

Gideon Prewett and Peter Pettigrew

1:02 AM

 

[Gideon] are Barty Crouch and Evan Rosier in your room with you?

 

[Pete] not right now, no

[Pete] they were, why?

 

[Gideon] wdym they were?

 

[Pete] as in we were hanging out

 

[Gideon] doing what?

 

[Pete] cooking crystal meth

[Pete] then me and Barty sacrificed Evan

[Pete] what do you think we were doing?

 

[Gideon] well i don’t know what you were doing

 

[Pete] me and barty were teaching Evan how to play dress to impress

 

[Gideon] okay

 

[Pete] okay?

[Pete] where have you been all day?

 

[Gideon] classes

[Gideon] gn x

 

[Pete] night then

 

 

New group

6:55 AM

 

Marlene shared 4 images

 

[Marlene] looking sexy and academic

 

[James] don’t you have practice in an hour

 

[Peter] she does

 

[Regulus] we don’t

 

[James] are you still doing your chemistry work?

 

[Peter] I haven’t slept

 

[Regulus] i took a 2 hour nap

 

[Peter] i want to sleep

 

[Sirius] if you sleep now pete ill make sure you’re up for your afternoon lessons

 

[Peter] <333

 

 

SLUGHORN CAN SUCK MY DICK

1:15 PM

 

[Pete] someone tell me why my assignment has been FINISHED

 

[Marls] HOW?

[Marls] YOUVE BEEN ASLEEP?

 

[Pete] I HAD LIKE 8 PAGES LEFT AND THEYRE ALL DONE

 

[Marls] i sure as hell didn’t do it

[Marls] send me the answers rn

 

[Regulus] hold on

 

 

Regulus Black and Bartemius Crouch Jr

1:20 PM

 

[Regulus] care to explain?

 

[Barty] explain what

 

[Regulus] you did Peter’s assignment for him?

 

[Barty] no

 

[Regulus] don’t lie to me

 

[Barty] did I get it right?

 

[Regulus] yes but that’s not the point

[Regulus] how did you manage to do it

 

[Barty] snuck in and stole it from his desk, completed it at the library then snuck it back in

[Barty] i also left him some lunch because i know for a fact he didn’t eat breakfast and he was up all night

 

[Regulus] why didn’t you do mine

 

[Barty] didn’t feel like it x

[Barty] it’s all the same questions is it not?

 

[Regulus] some are different

 

[Barty] tough shit xoxo

[Barty] don’t tell him it was me

 

[Regulus] why not?

[Regulus] he’d really appreciate it Barty.

 

[Barty] just don’t

 

[Regulus] don’t want people to know you have a soft spot?

 

[Barty] I don’t want people to know i have a soft spot FOR HIM

 

[Regulus] is this you finally admitting you fancy him

 

[Barty] fuck you

[Barty] cunt

 

[Regulus] now there’s the barty i know and love

 

[Barty] don’t be gross

 

[Regulus] don’t be gay

 

[Barty] no can do 🫶

Notes:

UhM so I got into uni, which is why i haven't uploaded in a while, but I move into halls on the 14th and I am SO EXCITED AHA.

Anyways, sorry if this one is a bit shorter than normal <3

Chapter 13: Who stole my hat?

8 November

 

New group

3:22 PM

 

Remus shared 6 screenshots

 

[Remus] this is everyone who’s going tonight

 

[Regulus] i don’t know half of these people

 

[Sirius] same

 

[Regulus] fym “same”

 

[James] what does fym mean

 

[Marlene] Fuck your mum

 

[Mary] that’s not accurate

 

[Remus] it was an open invite, most people probably won’t know this is a birthday party they just want to get pissed

 

[Regulus] i love strangers 🤩🤩🤩

 

[Sirius] freak

 

[Pandora] i’ve locked myself out of the dorm block can someone let me in

 

 

MARLENE YOU SMELLY CUNT

3:26 PM

 

[Mary] if this were a cartoon there would be a lily shaped hole in the wall

 

[Marls] Cas when i tell you this girl BOLTED

 

[Cas] simp

 

[Mary] i hate gay people

 

[Marls] SAME

 

[Cas] ?!?!

 

 

James Potter and Peter Pettigrew

4:55 PM

 

[Pete] where are you?

 

[Jamie] getting food for the party

[Jamie] why what’s up?

[Jamie] i got u the blue pringles btw

 

[Pete] thanks james

[Pete] is it alright if i stay with you guys for christmas this year?

[Pete] i understand if not

[Pete] it’s sirius and regulus first christmas there

[Pete] and marlene’s family are hosting christmas at theirs this year so they have no room

 

[Jamie] of course you can peter

[Jamie] you’re always welcome you didn’t even have to ask

 

[Pete] i was gonna spend christmas day with gideon and his family but there’s been a change of plans 😍

 

[Jamie] is everything alright?

 

[Pete] i think he’s embarrassed of me

[Pete] or bored

[Pete] probably both

 

[Jamie] then he’s a moron who doesn’t know how lucky he is that you give him the time of day

[Jamie] remus and i are coming back now

[Jamie] wanna talk?

[Jamie] just us two?

 

[Pete] yeah that’ll be great

 

 

Sirius Black and James Potter

5:04 PM

 

[Pads] i’m gonna kill him

 

[Prongsie] that’s a bit dramatic

 

[Pads] HE MADE PETE CRY

 

[Prongsie] WHAT?

[Prongsie] WHEN WAS THIS?

 

[Pads] literally now

[Pads] where tf are you

 

[Prongsie] on our way back now on the bus

[Prongsie] what happened

 

[Pads] peter was supposed to go to the Prewetts for christmas because Gideon invited him

[Pads] was gonna meet the family and everything

[Pads] now he’s just gone and said “nvm u cant come”

 

[Prongsie] you’re joking

 

[Pads] i’m always sirius

 

[Prongsie] now is not the time

 

[Pads] stfu you love it

 

[Prongsie] i do i really do

[Prongsie] COMFORT PETER

 

[Pads] I AM

[Pads] i’m making him tea

[Pads] i’ve never seen him like this

 

[Prongsie] do you even know how to use the kettle

 

[Pads] yes dipshit

 

[Prongsie] did gideon give him ANY kind of explanation as to why he can’t go anymore

 

[Pads] NOPE

[Pads] can we set Evan Barty and Pandora on him

 

[Prongsie] yes

[Prongsie] remus said no

 

[Pads] remus isn’t the boss of me

 

[Prongsie] …

 

[Pads] okay maybe he is

[Pads] just hurry back

 

 

Marlene McKinnon and James Potter

5:23 PM

 

14 missed calls from Spiderman

 

[Spiderman] since when are you not on your phone

 

[Loser Lesbian] don’t take that tone with me

[Loser Lesbian] i was drying my hair and didn’t hear my ringtone

[Loser Lesbian] what do you want

 

[Spiderman] peter’s upset

 

[Loser Lesbian] all i did was tell him yellow isn’t his colour

[Loser Lesbian] i’ll apologise when i see him tonight

 

[Spiderman] gideon’s just dumped him

 

[Loser Lesbian] FUCKING LEAD WITH THAT YOU LUNATIC

[Loser Lesbian] HOWS THAT HAPPNEE

 

[Spiderman] by text

[Spiderman] just now

[Spiderman] he’s asked for you

 

[Loser Lesbian] i’m omw

 

 

Sirius Black and Gideon Prewett

5:33 PM

 

[Sirius] I hope you know you’re not welcome tonight

 

[Gideon] I assumed as much

 

 

Regulus Black and Sirius Black

6:45 PM

 

[Reggie] why is gideon spamming barty saying peter cheated on him with him

 

[Siri] pardon

 

[Reggie] i feel like im on a tv show

[Reggie] someone call up the writers of neighbours i have an idea for the plot

 

[Siri] are you tipsy

[Siri] also pretty sure neighbours have done that plot line a million times they ought to get more creative with it

 

[Reggie] no but i think gideon is

[Reggie] he’s screaming at barty for “stealing his boyfriend”

 

[Siri] screaming?

[Siri] is he calling barty

 

[Reggie] no

[Reggie] he’s text yelling

[Reggie] LIKE THIS

 

[Siri] you’re definitely tipsy

 

[Reggie] you’re not predrinking?

 

[Siri] i was going to but we have a situation we’re dealing with

 

[Reggie] bartys blocked gideon but now he’s moved onto evan

[Reggie] i wonder if i’ll get an accusation as well

[Reggie] im gonna lie and say we had a passionate night on the beach

 

[Siri] all of you block gideon

[Siri] ill see you at the party reg

 

[Reggie] love you

 

[Siri] love you too

 

 

New group

7:37 PM

 

[Peter] LETS GET PISSED

 

[Mary] WOOOOOOO

 

[Regulus] bartys already pissed

 

[Barty] so are you

 

[Regulus] someone get me a drink

 

[Marlene] who died and made you king of the group

 

[Regulus] my mother hopefully

 

[Barty] preach

 

[Sirius] it’s OUR birthday get us a drink

 

[Evan] remus and james just bolted to the drinks table

 

[Barty] we’re nicking all the leftover alcohol other people have brought right?

 

[Mary] duh

 

10:16pm

 

[Sirius] who stole my hat

 

[Remus] you didn’t bring one

 

[Regulus] yes he did

 

[James] he really didn’t

 

[Sirius] Marlene stole it

 

[Remus] no that’s marlene’s hat that marlene brought

 

[Regulus] i’ll get it for you sirius don’t worry

 

10:32pm

 

[Regulus] how did you manage to get plates with our faces on them

 

[James] you can find anything on etsy

 

[Pandora] i made the banner

 

[Lily] you’re so talented

 

[Marlene] simp

[Marlene] REMUS LILY HIT ME

 

[Remus] i told her to <3

 

11:45pm

 

[Evan] denuluskoscehing

 

[Lily] pure gibberish there mate

 

[Pandora] “regulus is crying”

 

[Mary] how tf did u read that

 

[Pandora] because im next to him

 

[Mary] oh

 

[Remus] why what happened

 

[Barty] i told him his hair looks flat

 

[Regulus] you said i look fat

 

[Barty] LIES

[Barty] SLANDAR

 

[Sirius] nothowuspellslander

 

[Lily] let me introduce you to the space bar sirius

 

[Sirius] no

 

9 November

 

PUSSYWAGON

11:22 am

 

[Jam] someone revoke mary’s name changing privileges

 

[Sexy goddess] boring

 

[Slag] okay wtf

 

[Lesbian #1] NUMBA ONEEE

 

[Lesbian #2] WHY TF IS MARLENE NUMBER ONE?

 

[Lesbian #1] because i’m more iconic cas xxx

 

[The one with daddy issues] i prefer this to bartemius tbh

 

[The one with mummy issues] fml

 

[Panda bear] how’s the hangover regulus

 

[The one with mummy issues] i don’t get them <3

 

[Nerd] die

 

[Sexy goddess] remus woke up with an attitude this morning

 

[Nerd] you try dealing with drunk sirius at 4am

 

[Lesbian #1] been there done that

[Lesbian #1] never again

 

[Slag] i’m not that bad

 

[The one with mummy issues] HAHA

 

[Tall freak] you’re not a ray of sunshine either

 

[Peter pan] why have i woken up to my entire left leg covered in bruises

 

The one with daddy issues shared 2 videos

 

[Peter pan] oh

 

[Sexy goddess] IT WAS YOU THAT FELL DOWN THE STAIRS?

 

[Jam] barty your laugh in the background sounds like a seagull

 

[The one with daddy issues] i like to be different

 

[Jam] you’re just weird

 

[Slag] who wants to eat the leftovers from yesterday in our pjs while binge watching 9-1-1

 

[Ginge] On my way!

 

[Sexy goddess] LOL

 

[The one with mummy issues] we’re on our way too

 

[Jam] i’ll make hot chocolates

 

[The one with daddy issues] good boy

 

[Jam] barty doesn’t get one

 

[The one with daddy issues] homophobe

Notes:

HEY IM BACK

First year of uni was a lot more chaotic, stressful, and drama filled than i expected but I PASSED (cue the round of applause)
stop it omg thank you thank you

Im so sorry i haven't uploaded in months but i have a lot of ideas for this fic now

Give everyone full permission to yell at me if i go over a month without uploading i've found i work well under pressure

short chapter for now but i promise longer ones will come after

hugs and kisses for anyone who comes back after this unexpected break from me <3

Chapter 14: Praying it's a pony

November 14

 

New group

7:00 am

 

[Mary] help snape just fell over

 

[Lily] fell is a strong word

 

[Dorcas] marlene pushed him

 

[Marlene] snitch

 

[Sirius] LOL

 

[Barty] aww what a shame

 

[James] absolutely devastated i am

 

[Peter] is the floor okay?

 

[Evan] might want to wash your hands marlene don’t know what diseases he may be carrying

 

Mary shared 1 image

 

[Sirius] she looks positively disgusted

 

[Regulus] those are some big words for you there sirius

 

[Peter] looks like someone’s been reading the dictionary

 

[Sirius] i’m expanding my vocabulary

 

[Remus] this’ll last 2 days

 

[James] 2 hours more like

 

[Pandora] i have faith in you sirius

 

[Sirius] thank you

 

[Regulus] yeah she’s the only one

 

[Dorcas] she has such a pure heart

 

[Barty] biggest lie ever told in the history of the world

 

[Lily] well that’s not accurate

 

[Marlene] sorry but these scrambled eggs are orgasmic

[Marlene] did they hire new chefs

 

[Sirius] how good on a scale of 1-10

 

[Marlene] 1

 

[Peter] 1 is shit

 

[Marlene] no 10 is shit

 

[Peter] since when

 

[Marlene] would you rather be number 1 or number 10

 

[Barty] i’m a 10/10

 

[Regulus] HA

 

[Marlene] peter’s speechless

[Marlene] anyway i’m getting seconds

 

[James] save some for the rest of us jeez

 

[Lily] you best hurry up she’s got a mountain on her plate

 

9:57 am

 

[Sirius] i’m so BORED

 

[Regulus] you’ve been in lessons for an hour get a grip

 

[Pandora] you messaged me you were bored 20 minutes ago

 

[Regulus] it’s grass central up in here

 

[Barty] tempted to skip the rest of the day

 

[Evan] is that a smart thing to do

 

[Barty] we live on a floating rock nothing matters

 

[Lily] idk how things work on whatever planet you came from but on this floating rock passing school somewhat matters

 

[Marlene] fun police alert

 

[Remus] she has a point

 

[Evan] if yall don’t stfu

 

[Dorcas] who tf says yall

 

[James] evan apparently

 

[Regulus] get some work done you lot

 

[Mary] i’d rather not

[Mary] i’m making origami flowers

 

[Pandora] NO WAY SAME

 

Mary shared 1 image

 

Pandora shared 1 image

 

[Mary] ho is you a witch

 

[Pandora] probably in another universe

 

[Dorcas] imagine us all being witches

 

[James] i’d be a wizard

 

[Lily] guys we have a genius in the chat

 

[James] rude

 

[Barty] id be an excellent wizard

 

[Regulus] same

 

[Sirius] bitch please you’d probably die doing some stupid stunt before you even reach 18

 

[Pandora] like dying in a cave

 

[Peter] a MAGIC cave

 

[Mary] everyone stfu

[Mary] as the almost birthday girl i demand a meeting

 

[Dorcas] girl we’re all in school rn

 

[Barty] no shit sherlock

 

[Mary] this is what phones were made for

 

[Marlene] the telephone was invented to plan your birthday?

 

[Mary] yes

 

[Evan] fair enough

 

[Mary] we’re going to a trampoline park

 

[Sirius] are we 12

 

[Mary] will you please shut up

[Mary] my uncle owns it

[Mary] SOOOOO

[Mary] we’re going in after close and get to stay there all night

 

[Sirius] okay that’s pretty cool

 

[Regulus] wish we thought of that

 

[Marlene] so there won’t be any kids to push over?

 

[Pandora] no but there’s evan, barty and sirius

 

[Marlene] even better

 

[Evan] tf?

 

[Sirius] i’ll push you back mckinnon you know i will

 

[Barty] i bite

 

[Dorcas] he does

 

[Regulus] i back that

 

[Mary] my uncles got blow up mattresses and bedding we can use as well

 

[James] sounds great mary can’t wait

 

[Lily] just us?

 

[Mary] may have invited emmeline as well

 

[Marlene] JQKKBUT OOWQLQPQK

 

[Peter] EMMARY

 

[Barty] i beg your pardon

 

[Peter] no need to beg pretty boy

 

[James] WOAH

 

[Evan] can’t see barty rn but would bet pandoras life he’s blushing, giggling and kicking his feet rn

 

[Barty] right

 

[Mary] dad says there’s another surprise for me as well but won’t tell me what

[Mary] i asked for a pony when i was 6 i hope it’s that

 

[Marlene] don’t think so babe

 

[Lily] you never know

 

 

November 16

 

New group

00:00

 

[Marlene] HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARY

 

[Lily] Happy birthday M

 

[James] happy birthday!!!

 

[Sirius] HAPPY HORTHSQYJMAEY

[Sirius] fml

 

[Marlene] suck my dick 🖕

 

[Dorcas] Happy birthday girl

 

Regulus sent 1 voicenote

 

[Regulus] incase you couldn’t make it out that’s me barty evan and pandora

 

[Peter] happy birthday queen

 

[Mary] love you all

[Mary] also sorry marlene you lost your streak

 

[Marlene] no wtf i was the first

 

[Mary] remus was first

[Mary] called me 2 minutes before midnight and said happy birthday the second it hit 12am

 

[Remus] i’m the champion

 

[Marlene] i’ll get you lupin istg

 

[Mary] love you all but i’m sleeping so the morning comes faster BYE

 

[Lily] sweet dreams <3

 

7:30pm

 

[Mary] okay fuckwits it’s time to go

 

[Pandora] what was your surprise?

 

[Mary] dad said it’s outside

 

[Marlene] praying it’s a pony

 

 

Mary Macdonald and Dave Macdonald

7:45 pm

 

[Mary] YOU HIRED A LIMO?

 

[Father Dave] Happy birthday princess

 

[Mary] thank you so much 😭

 

[Father Dave] No problem sweetheart, we miss you so much, have lots of fun and make sure no one breaks a leg

[Father Dave] Including yourself

 

[Mary] i’ll try

[Mary] love you lots <3

 

[Father Dave] I love you too

 

7:23 am

 

[Mary] sooooo

[Mary] sirius broke his arm

 

[Father Dave] 🤦‍♂️

 

[Mary] BUT

[Mary] it happened on the way back from the trampoline park

 

[Father Dave] Is he alright?

 

[Mary] yeah remus is with him in the hospital we’re all just hanging around in the cafe opposite

[Mary] it was so gross you could see the bone and everything

[Mary] wanna see the video of it happening

 

[Father Dave] Obviously

 

Mary shared 3 videos

 

[Father Dave] Who convinced him attempting a backflip off a park bench was a smart idea

 

[Mary] Marlene

 

[Father Dave] 🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️

[Father Dave] You kids have a good night though?

 

[Mary] the BEST thank you

 

[Father Dave] Shouldn’t you be in school?

 

[Mary] starts at 11 today, just waiting for remus, sirius is gonna have to stay there

 

[Father Dave] Don’t have any more bones break on your way back

 

[Mary] i’ll try my best 🫡

Notes:

IT'S MARY'S BIRTHDAY CHAPTER

love you all my little chickens <3

Just a side note, any character that doesn't have a canon parent name they're gonna be called Dave or Susan because its my fic and i said so

INTRODUCING DAVE MACDONALD the first of many daves

Chapter 15: God Forbid a Girl Wants to Become a Master of the Elements

Notes:

Sorry for the lack of an update, the first situationship of 2025 just ended and i was crashing out

Anyways here you go <3

18 November

 

New Group

3:22 PM

 

[Sirius] guys i’m a genius

 

[Regulus] just pissed myself laughing

 

[Barty] it’s true

 

[Sirius] we’re gonna prank gideon

 

[Regulus] I take it back

 

[James] YES

[James] how

 

[Peter] would like to state i will be taking no part in this

[Peter] what’s my role

 

[Marlene] can we burn his house down

 

[Lily] we’re pranking him not committing a crime

 

[Remus] boring

 

[Sirius] WE?

[Sirius] YOURE PARTICIPATING?

 

[Lily] first of all, proud of you for using the correct you’re

 

[Sirius] thank you x

 

[Lily] secondly, of course i’m helping. the prick hurt peter

 

[Peter] what’s the plan

 

[James] well

[James] can we prank him after the footy game against slytherin

 

[Regulus] no

 

[Dorcas] no

 

[Evan] not a chance

 

[Marlene] so we’re all in agreement then

 

[Dorcas] NO?

 

[Barty] absolutely not

 

[Pandora] I have no opinion on this matter

 

[Regulus] DORA??

 

[Pandora] i’m a ravenclaw

 

[Evan] so is barty

 

[Pandora] bitch please barty is basically a slytherin

 

[Barty] and what of it

 

[Mary] when even is the football game

 

[James] Friday

[James] with sirius out we really need gideon despite how much we despise him rn

 

[Mary] then my party on the saturday xoxo

 

[Marlene] WOOOOO

 

[Lily] love that you have two parties

 

[Mary] one for my besties and one for everyone else who loves me

[Mary] or better known as one that i can take photos of to show my family and one that i can drink at without them knowing

 

[Sirius] attagirl

 

[Remus] when are we pranking him them

 

[Peter] Sunday?

 

[Barty] i have church

 

[Pandora] last time you went to church you were 6

 

[Barty] 🖕

 

[Regulus] that's not very holy of you

 

[James] DOES ANYONE OBJECT TO SUNDAY?

[James] Sunday it is

 

[Sirius] everyone come over so we can plan

 

[Pandora] i’ll bring snacks

 

[Sirius] where have you been my entire life dora

 

[Pandora] Bristol

 

[Marlene] HA

 

[Mary] wtf is bristol

 

[Evan] best city on planet earth

 

[Sirius] worst city on planet earth

 

[Evan] we’re about to fall out

 

[Pandora] die

 

[Sirius] Oh!

 

[Regulus] i agree with evan bristol is class

 

[Dorcas] bristol is boring as fuck

 

[Pandora] you’ve never been?

 

[Evan] coming from miss Norfolk

 

[Dorcas] let’s just say we’re all in agreement that Liverpool is the worst

 

[Regulus] yeah that’s fair

 

[Barty] NO ITS NOT?

 

[Evan] i can settle with that

 

[Pandora] facts

 

[Barty] what the hell

 

[James] ANYWAY

 

[Lily] go on?

 

[James] i had nothing to say i was hoping sirius would say something

 

[Sirius] WHATS THE PLAN FOLKS

 

[Lily] no one our age says folks

 

[Remus] Sirius does

 

[Marlene] SET HIS CAR ALIGHT

 

[Lily] why must everything involve fire with you

 

[Marlene] idk because i’m hot?

 

[Dorcas] facts

 

[Barty] i’m with marlene on setting his car on fire

 

[Pandora] of course you are

 

[Regulus] actually shocked you’ve not been arrested for arson yet

 

[Sirius] wait what

 

[Remus] yet?

 

[Barty] youre hallucinating

[Barty] so when are we setting his car on fire

 

[Lily] we’re not setting his car on fire

 

[Marlene] tomorrow?

 

[Remus] WE’RE NOT SETTING HIS CAR ON FIRE

 

[Barty] sounds good to me

 

[Peter] guys i think we’ve lost them

 

[Marlene] what time

 

[Lily] marlene stop it

 

[Barty] 10:30?

 

[Dorcas] BARTY?

 

[Marlene] AM or PM?

 

[Mary] marlene omfg

 

[Barty] pm duh

 

[Marlene] we need outfits

 

[Mary] i’m in what do we need

 

[James] MARY?

 

[Mary] what?

[Mary] god forbid a silly teen wants to get a little creative

 

[Marlene] god forbid a girl wants to become a master of the elements

 

[Barty] god forbid a boy wants to commit arson

 

[James] i think that is forbidden actually

 

[Barty] BORRINGGGGG

 

5:56 PM

 

[Marlene] WHOS COMING NANDOS

 

[Peter] ME

 

[Marlene] you were already going

 

[Peter] i know

 

[James] I’ve gotta finish this assignment

 

[Sirius] okay who tf is this

 

[Remus] are you having a stroke

 

[James] god forbid a guy wants to become an academic weapon

 

[Regulus] that was cringe

 

[Sirius] barty did it

 

[Evan] yes because that’s always a good excuse

 

[Barty] ??

 

[Pandora] i really fancy a nando’s

 

[Barty] you know who else you fancy?

 

[Pandora] i’ll sell your sylvanian family collection on ebay

 

[Barty] THATS TOO FAR?

 

[Regulus] she can’t threaten me i’ll say it

 

[Pandora] i’ll sell your shopkins

[Pandora] that’s what i thought

 

[James] you collect shopkins?

 

[Regulus] i don’t collect shopkins

 

Sirius shared 4 photos

 

[Evan] HA

 

[Lily] are they organised by colour

 

[Regulus] yes and what of it

 

Lily shared 3 photos

 

[Lily] mine are organised by season 💅

 

[Marlene] wtf is going on

 

[Peter] anyways

[Peter] nando’s?

 

[Barty] i could eat

 

[Marlene] so it’s me peter pandora and barty

 

[Mary] and me

 

[Evan] and me

 

[Marlene] perfect

 

6:45 PM

 

[Barty] YOU WILL NEVER GUESS WHO WE SAW

 

[Regulus] david attenborough

 

[Peter] wtf

 

[Pandora] no we didn’t see david attenborough in nandos regulus

 

[Regulus] that’s a shame

 

[Sirius] what a legend

 

[Marlene] GIDEON

 

[James] NO

 

[Sirius] WTF

 

[Peter] we may have already pranked him

 

[Lily] how?

 

[Dorcas] you set his chicken on fire?

 

[Pandora] in a way

 

[Remus] pardon

 

[Barty] paid the chef to make his lemon and herb butterfly chicken Extra hot

 

Evan shared 1 video

 

[Dorcas] HA

 

[Lily] christ his face turned the same shade of red as my hair