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If you would've blinked then I would've
Looked away at the first glance
Touya didn’t understand. Why was he being replaced? Did his dad stop loving him? Was he just as useless as Fuyumi and Natsuo now? No!
…Right?
Endeavour loved him. He was different from his siblings. Fuyumi and Natsuo, they weren’t spared a glance, he’d thrown them to the side and had never looked back. But Touya? Touya was loved. His Dad loved him. He played with him, spent time with him, and trained him! If that wasn’t love, then what was it?
If you tasted poison, you could've
Spit me out at the first chance
But that’s all in the past. It was different now.
It turns out, Touya wasn’t perfect like Daddy had hoped. His fire, although burning stronger than that of Endeavor’s, burned him, too. They’d tried to ignore it, they really had! But his body refused to cooperate. And as the burns took longer and longer to heal, Endeavor decided that having a spare would be wise. And thus, Natsuo, Touya’s favourite little brother was born!
But when Shouto was born, the roles of heir and spare were suddenly switched between the two.
No more games on Endeavor’s off-days, no more passionate discussions about hero work, not even training! No. Because now, Daddy’s attention was all focused on perfect little Shouto. He was Endeavor’s little masterpiece, born with the perfect quirk, and no genetic problems with handling it. They trained, learned, and talked about heroes together. And worst of all, Shouto didn’t even want to train. It only served to fuel Touya’s anger. The little brat should be grateful to be the centre of their father’s love and attention; all while Touya rotted away as the failed experiment. Because that’s all they were, and there’s no denying it.
It made him wonder, if Enji had known his quirk was a losing bet, would he have bothered with the scapes of attention he got when he was younger? Or would he have been deemed useless from the start, raised by the nannies with no emotional connection to Endeavor?
If I was some paint, did it splatter
On a promising grown man?
But Touya didn’t want to be a mistake! He would do anything to be Endeavor’s perfect little son again, not something to be frowned upon! Yeah! He could train more, he should train more. He needed to be stronger than All Might, to beat him and become number one; that’s the only way he’ll ever make his dad proud. He didn’t need his mum’s scolding or Fuyumi’s disgusting pity !
Touya was worthy of the Todoroki name, and he was going to prove it to them all!
And if I was a child, did it matter
If you got to wash your hands?
It didn’t matter that he was just a child, not even a teenager yet. If he was going to kick All Might off his golden pedestal in society, he had to train young and hard. Shouto was going to manifest his quirk, sooner or later, and if Touya wanted to prove to his father that he was better, stronger, and could be a better successor than his younger brother, he had to become the picture-perfect image of a worthy hero in Endeavor’s eyes.
Because if he wasn’t, Endeavor would stop looking at him as if he never existed.
Oh, oh
But there was no if, because he was unworthy, and Endeavor did stop looking at him.
All I used to do was pray
Dabi let out a manic laugh. He was having another one of his episodes again. With his coat no were to be found, he was free bleeding on his white shirt from the seams of the scars beneath his eyes. The thought forced another laugh out of him; he was so broken he couldn’t even cry like a normal person without falling apart, blood covering his vision instead of tears.
Would've, could've, should've
It made him wonder, if he could’ve ever changed his fate, or if it was unavoidable, and if he would’ve ended up burning out anyways, even if not on that damned hill. But did he even want that? Knowing not even his so-called death made Enji care, knowing everything , if he was given the choice to go back and change his own mind, to not go to Seketo Peak on that day, would he take it? He should, he knows he should. The life of Touya Todoroki, however empty and unwanted, was still more comfortable than that of a homeless, wanted man. But he doesn’t know if he could’ve taken the abuse and neglect any longer, and he can’t guarantee he wouldn’t have snapped and ended his own life. Even now, he thought about it more than he didn’t. He’d decided his ending, he wasn’t going to outlive the war, dying a glorious death with the entire nation of Japan as his audience. He would go out with a bang, taking his father down alongside him to spend an eternity in hell.
If you'd never looked my way
I would've stayed on my knees
He wonders what would’ve happened if he wasn’t given the attention he had gotten before it was ripped away from the palm of his hand. Would he have still wanted to be a hero? Would he still have his impulsive personality, with no hope of hiding his real emotions⸺a skill he’d learned the hard way after eight years spent on the streets⸺or would he be calm and collected like his mother before her spiral into insanity? It made him think of his siblings, Natsuo and Fuyumi, and how they must be doing now. He checked on them every now and then, to see how they were coping with their respective lives, Fuyumi as a teacher and Natsuo as a medical student.
And I damn sure never would've danced with the devil
At nineteen sixteen
Finally, he wonders what would’ve happened if he’d never left AFO’s orphanage, because there’s no denying it was his, not after the lecture the doctor gave them about how numos were created. Would he have turned to one of the mindless slaves for Tomura’s sake, or would he still have his position secured as his second lieutenant like Kurogiri?
And the God's honest truth is that the pain was heaven
Truth be told, deep down he knows the answer to all of his circling thoughts. He wouldn’t change a thing about his life. The state of always being on alarm would never change no matter what, plus, he’d gotten used to the constant numbing and never-ending pain all across his body, it had become a comforting and grounding sensation over the years, bringing him back to reality and proving his conscious and vital state.
And now that I'm grown, I'm scared of ghosts
Memories feel like weapons
More importantly, Touya didn’t necessarily need to imagine how his life could have been. Shouto, his replacement, was the perfect image of what being Endeavor’s successor would look like. When he made eye contact with the kid during the capture of the Bakugou Brat, he could see a thousand emotions behind those mismatched eyes. Shock, anger, anxiety, stress, fear. Yeah, thanks, but no thanks, he didn’t want that life. A part of being a villain was that being alert and constantly worrying was expected, there was no shock. His other example, a man roughly around the same age as him, was also living a life empty of all feelings except agony; because as much as he wanted to hide, or deny it, Dabi could see straight through the hero.
He wanted to gag when he first met the man, the facade was so deeply buried into his soul that even Dabi struggled to find the man behind the mask. ‘Hawks’, was nothing but fake.
And now that I know, I wish you'd left me wondering
In the end, gagging was an underreaction. Dabi, not trusting the hero in the slightest when he “confessed” about his desire of joining the league, went digging a little. He patted himself on the back for having spies of his own inside hero society and not relying on the kid AFO had in UA; with how deep the files about Hawks’s real identity were buried, there’s no way he would’ve managed to get anything without inside help in the commission.
-Winged Hero: Pro Hero Hawks (Keigo Takami)
-Born 28.12.21XX
-Son of the thief and murderer X Takami, and Tomie Takami.
-Bought by the Hero Public Safety Commission shortly after his father’s arrest from the mother in exchange for pressing no charges against her and a promise of a stable life.
And wasn’t that funny, the son of a hero turned villain and the son of a villain turned hero. The universe truly had a way of balancing things out.
The training he was put through was worse, though. So much worse. Dabi had thought he’d experienced hell before, but even he had to stop himself from vomiting over the evidence. And Dabi was right, he could say with certainty that the hero was a government spy. He should burn him, he knows this. It’s the logical thing. Yet, he pretends he believes in Hawks enough to give him a chance to prove himself. He doesn’t know why. Maybe it was because he saw himself in the broken shell of the bird, or perhaps because he saw it as a challenge. A way to prove himself worthy by convincing the hero to switch sides for real.
After all, catching feelings for the number two was not in his life plan. Unknown to him, falling in love with a villain was not in Keigo’s, either.
***
When the commission called him in for a meeting to tell him he was to infiltrate the League of Villains, it’s not a lie to say he hesitated.
Hawks always knew that dying from old age wasn’t an option. Either dying in battle from hero work, or from the commission creating an unfortunate “tragedy” the day they eventually get bored of him with no way to exploit him. So, he acted like a good, obedient little pet and put on a show for them. Still, he expected it to be at least another decade before that happened, not now just five years away from his debut.
And a spy attack on the League of Villains, the most wanted group of criminals in Japan at the moment, was nothing if not a suicide mission.
But he also knows disobeying the commission wasn’t a choice. He was their property, and if they wanted him to sacrifice himself for the job, they’d make him do it no matter how hard he fought against it. Calling him ungrateful and playing the little mind games Hawks had dealt with since he was a child until he agreed to whatever unhinged plan they had for him. So, he agreed.
If you never touched me, I would've
Gone along with the righteous
When his contact—Dabi, the psychotic, manic, and hot , arsonist of the league—had asked him to prove himself and his sincerity, Hawks wasn’t surprised. Only an idiot would let the number #2 hero in their ranks without testing him first, and Dabi was no idiot.
The tests started out as simple, petty crimes, just Dabi having him fly across the country for a useless meeting to prove he was reliable.
But Hawks was an impatient man, a side-effect of being the fastest man alive. And when he still wasn’t trusted after a few months of playing errand boy for Dabi, he decided to take creative liberties and put the “by any means necessary” promise of the commission to use.
Dabi was attractive. He looked like a corpse, yes, but he was still extremely attractive. And the way the light caught on his staples wasn’t helping Hawks’s case, either; the shiny reflection messing with his birdbrain. And so what if he used the honeypot mission as an excuse to seduce the man? His crush on the villain was harmless. Heck! He probably didn’t even like him , only attracted to him because of how long it had been since he’d last slept with someone. Yeah, that was it!
And with the bedroom eyes the other man kept giving him, Dabi didn’t seem too opposed to the idea of messing around with the enemy, either.
If I never blushed, then they could've
Never whispered about this
Hawks was starting to understand why hot, sexy assassins were such a popular topic to explore in media, because the honeypot tactic was doing wonders with earning the trust of dabi. Hawks gave himself a pat on the back for that one. He managed to get in the pants of a hot, wanted criminal AND move his mission along? It seemed he was finally enjoying his twenties; well, mostly.
But what Hawks hadn’t accounted for…whatever this thing he and Dabi had going on evolving into something… more . He couldn’t put a name on it exactly, it wasn’t a relationship, that was for sure, but it wasn’t nothing, either. It was starting to mess with his head.
The first few lingering touches were expected considering what their arrangement was. Then they got slower, softer, more sensual and filled with emotions . Hawks hadn’t felt those in a long time. Keigo didn’t know what to think of it. Dabi stopped his tense posture with him around the fourth-month mark. He stopped disguising his feelings, too. The first genuine smile and laugh he made was the most fascinating sight Keigo had ever seen, and he tried his hardest to get another one out of the man.
When Hawks was introduced to the Paranormal Liberation Front, he thought he had to let go of Dabi, no longer needing to use him to get into the League’s ranks. Instead, they moved on from information exchanges to hanging out with each other just for the sake of it!
When the other members started to take notice of it, they wouldn’t shut up about the possibility of them dating, and Dabi letting his hero boyfriend join their closely secured army. And in all honesty, Keigo came to the realization that he didn’t mind the allegations of him being in a relationship with a villain.
And if you never saved me from boredom
I could've gone on as I was
Truth was, Life with Dabi was never not interesting, always filled with some levels of excitement that brought joy to Keigo’s dull and boring day. The life of a hero was not as fun as it was advertised to be.
Unless you got enjoyment from the daily beatings of the commission, because that was happening now. Apparently, the information Hawks was bringing in for them wasn’t satisfactory. It wasn’t his fault the commission wasn’t interested in Dabi’s favourite texture of clothing against his burns and staples!
But, Lord, you made me feel important
And truth is Hawks didn’t want to give up the life he’d made with Dabi.
And then you tried to erase us.
But the commission’s golden toy didn’t have a choice
Ooh, oh
You're a crisis of my faith
It’s true, Keigo thought about a life side by side with Dabi and what that would mean for him. Thought about the sacrifices he would need to make for that to happen. Giving up the spotlight that had been forced upon him at eighteen and breaking from the shackles of hero society sounded like a paradise to him. Hawks was ready to let it all go, give in to his desires and be selfish for once, choosing himself over others.
But he just couldn't stop being a hero, and with the way AFO and the League’s plans were moving forward, the civilians of Japan needed him to protect them, they counted on him, and Hawks just couldn’t let them down !
Not to mention, Dabi was dead set on his goal of drowning himself in the flames that were taking more of his life each day. He was going to die in the war, and Keigo didn’t know if he could take the agony of his mate —his lover , dying in his arms.
So, he did what he knew best. Buried his feelings deep inside and continued on his journey as a hero, ignoring the burning sensation on his usually empty heart.
He killed Twice, stabbing him in the back. Paying the price when his wings— his worth, what was Hawks without his wings? Useless! He didn’t want to be useless!— burned in the fire caused by the heartbreak of a man he used to call his.
Would've, could've, should've
Before meeting Dabi, Hawks wouldn’t have hesitated to stab the man in the chest. He could do it right now, Dabi was too busy talking his mouth off to burn him. Hawks could go out the window, circle back and kill him right here and now. Dabi would have never seen it coming.
And he should do it. He knows he should. Eliminate the threat before it has a chance of making a move, it’s what the commission raised him for.
But he can’t!
If I'd only played it safe
I would've stayed on my knees
And I damn sure never would've danced with the devil
At nineteen twenty-three
Because he’s gotten addicted to Dabi. He’s a tempting poison, drawing Hawks towards him until he gets too close to the fire and burns like Icarus. If it wasn’t for Dabi, Hawks would’ve never questioned the bizarre requests of the commission. Wouldn’t have questioned whether a villain deserved to die. He didn’t think Twice deserved to die, not after he’d accepted Keigo into their little dysfunctional family so easily.
And the God's honest truth is that the pain was heaven
And now that I'm grown, I'm scared of ghosts
Memories feel like weapons
So, Hawks didn’t blame Dabi for what he did to his wings. He’s gotten too close to him, imprinted on him as a mate, even with how much he wishes it wasn’t true. Keigo has enough self awareness to know he deserved having his wings burned off.
Could he even complain? His wings would grow back in time, but Jin wasn’t coming back from the grave. No to mention, he achieved his dream. When they met, Keigo told Touya he wanted a world where heroes like him had time to kill. With his wings gone, he had to wait before going back to the frontlines until they grew back.
He had time to kill.
And now that I know, I wish you'd left me wondering
God rest my soul, I miss who I used to be
The tomb won't close, stained glass windows in my mind
I regret you all the time
Time to ponder.
He thought. Thought about his life. How he’d gotten to that point. Thought about the what ifs. The life he could’ve had if he’d ran away with Dabi. Living where no one could ever reach them. He thought about the future. After the war. How Dabi’s confession about his past and father would affect his image to the public. They’d forever think of him as a murderer now.
I can't let this go, I fight with you in my sleep
The wound won't close, I keep on waiting for a sign
I regret you all the time
And the visions.
Everytime he looked into a mirror, all he saw was the scars trailing from his jaw to his neck, crawling all the way down his back. Where his wings once were.
His wings.
The commission’s weapons. His freedom. His wings were everything. He used to sense every detail of his surroundings through his feathers. The noises that caused him migraines, the movements he felt from the air waves. Now, there was nothing.
No headaches, no wishing he could lock up in a room and isolate himself from the world. All that was there now were the nightmares of that taunting fight where Dabi burned him. Those were quick to replace his norm, becoming familiar.
***
If clarity's in death, then why won't this die?
It all happened so fast, that if you were to ask Dabi how they’d ended up this way, he wouldn’t be able to tell you. One moment they were tangled in the scarlet bedsheets of the hero, laughing like high school sweethearts while rubbing their noses together, and the next Dabi was burning down the last embers of Hawks’s heroism over Twice’s dead body.
It left Dabi scarred and confused. He thought they were fine, he thought his love and devotion was enough to convince Hawks to leave hero society for him, well he thought wrong. He tried looking back at their relationship, trying to figure out where they went wrong, where Dabi didn’t give his all for Hawks, where he wasn’t giving him the best versions of him he could muster. Was he truly not enough?
He might never know the answer to that, because Hawks refuses to acknowledge it, never once referencing his relationship with the villain. As if it never happened, as if Dabi didn’t rip the broken pieces of his heart out and present it to Hawks, only for him to stab it with lies. And with the liberation leaving for war not a moment after his betrayal, he doesn’t have the time to mourn or reflect on what happened.
Years of tearing down our banners, you and I
So, Dabi pushed his feelings and all that was related to Hawks to the back of his mind, busying himself with his one true goal, taking down Enji and Shouto.
He’d been competing against the masterpiece for decades now, always aiming higher, trying harder, burning hotter, yet still it wasn’t enough. While Shouto had been given the opportunity of training with Endeavor since he was five, Touya had to fend for himself, learning flashfire fist and other skills of Endeavor’s using HeroSite videos and the grounds of Sekoto Peak.
After his coma, he didn’t stop. Burning more and more until at seventeen he made the traumatic decision of stapling the dead skin back onto his face because that was a better alternative of his jaw falling apart. He surpassed his body’s limits, just like he once promised he’d do, doing Plus Ultra as UA said. That was Shouto’s mindset now too, was it not?
Living for the thrill of hitting you where it hurts
If there was a place to leave reviews for the experience of “Traumatising your abusers back”, Dabi would give them five stars!
His big reveal was as satisfying as he’d imagined it. And Enji’s face, oh , it wasn’t even that pathetic in his dreams. He was looking at Dabi dance, unmoving, as if frozen in place with an ice quirk. How sad Touya didn’t have one.
Shouto, on the other hand, was quick to move. Countering his attacks despite the tears in his eyes, while yelling at Enji to get up and fight, to protect his friends. At least one of them had those.
Give me back my girlhood, it was mine first
It wasn’t fair, it’s not fair!
How Shouto got to go to high school, experiencing a normal teenage life—well, as normal as a Todoroki can get, having friends! The league might act like a team, but they weren’t friends, Dabi wasn’t blind enough not to notice they were all using each other, unlike Toga. Her and Twice had this naive fantasy view of what the league was, imagining them as family ! Dabi wasn’t destined to have a family. Twice paid for his dreams, dying at the hands of the man he dared call a friend. With him gone, Toga’s childish view on reality was shattered, too.
Worst of all, Shouto got to live out Touya’s dream! It was him who wanted to become a hero, him who’d begged Endeavor to train him despite his frail body. But Dabi was gonna take it back, take it all back. It was his after all, he’d worked for this.
And he was going to prove it to the world by winning against Enji’s masterpiece, caging him in a blazing embrace that was too hot for even Shouto to handle!
And I damn sure never would've danced with the devil
At nineteen sixteen
The next time they met, Shouto was determined to bring “Touya-nii” back home. It was laughable, he’d give the boy that much credit, at least.
Then, he had the audacity to ask Dabi that if he survived the fire, then why did he never come back. Well, jokes on him, because he did !
If there was one thing Touya was, it was stubborn. Upon waking up from his coma and learning he’d missed three years of his life, his first instinct was going back home, reassuring his family that he was okay, that he was sorry for all he said and that he’d scared them like that! He rejected the creepy sun’s offers and insistences of staying, and joining their family. He ran away from that place, ran as fast as his legs carried him until his feet were scarred from being barefoot.
The sight that he witnessed wasn’t unfamiliar. Endeavor, beating his youngest harshly under the name of training, not looking in Touya’s direction, not looking at him at all, with the new addition of a shrine. It featured a picture of him taken in middle school, his jaw was placed there, too.
It put out the remaining embers of Touya’s hope, lighting the match for the fire of his fire, instead. It wasn’t Touya who left that house for the last time, it was Dabi.
And the God's honest truth is that the pain was heaven
Dabi could handle the pain, he’d dealt with it before, so when the heroes declared him taken down, he stood right back up.
Shouto had defeated him using a special move of his, phosphor . It was a remix of Endeavor’s flashfire fist, a move Touya knew all too well. It didn’t take him long to realise how his brother’s “ultimate move” worked, imitating it wasn’t much of a difficulty.
However, without an ice quirk, phosphor worked more like a ticking time bomb than anything.
Oh well, Dabi never planned on living long anyways.
And now that I'm grown, I'm scared of ghosts
His vision was foggy, the burns too extreme for him to move any longer. He heard a familiar voice calling out for him. Mom? Mom is that you?
She wasn’t supposed to be there, and upon further notice, nor should’ve Natsuo or Fuyumi, they weren’t heroes, they were civilians.
Suddenly, Touya had a flashback of the moment he’d learned he’d been gone for three years: he wanted to apologise to mum. Mum? I-I’m s-s-sorry.
His voice cracked as his vocal cords once again took damage. His legs gave out, causing him to crash down.
Memories feel like weapons
He was breathing harshly, no longer on fire, it had been burnt out by one or their ice quirks. He was surrounded by his entire family. All eyes on him, looking at him. If it was that simple, why not sooner?
The last time they were all together like this, vulnerable, seemed so far away in his memory, out of reach, almost.
And for the last time, Dabi wondered.
And now that I know, I wish you'd left me wondering
He wondered what his life would be like if Dad hadn’t made him believe being a hero was his only purpose in life.
God rest my soul, I miss who I used to be
Wondered what living as Touya would be like.
The tomb won't close, stained glass windows in my mind
Wondered if Touya ever truly died, or if he fusioned with Dabi, creating something imperfect, something human.
And Touya wished.
I regret you all the time
Wondered what would happen if it hadn’t ended like this with his family.
I can't let this go, I fight with you in my sleep
Touya wished Tomura was still Tomura, his nerdy boss, instead of All For One’s puppet.
The wound won't close, I keep on waiting for a sign
Wished Twice wasn’t dead, wished Compress didn’t get arrested, wished Toga had a good life without him.
I regret you all the time
He wished the league had a chance at a good life.
Oh, God rest my soul, I miss who I used to be
And finally, he wished Keigo was here with him.
The tomb won't close, stained glass windows in my mind
Keigo, the angel who’d brought Touya back from the dead, made him swoon for the man, and left him.
I regret you all the time
Touya wished he hadn’t trusted Hawks, wished he hadn’t betrayed him, wished it didn’t hurt so much.
I can't let this go, I fight with you in my sleep
In his final moments, Touya saw red. But not blood, no. The red of Keigo’s wings, beating steadily above him.
The wound won't close, I keep on waiting for a sign
The man had his hand outreached, an invitation for Touya to join him in the afterlife. Even in Touya’s subconscious, the man was magical. His eyes glowed in the white light coming from behind him. He held his hand, intertwining their fingers together, and walked off hand in hand with Keigo.
I regret you all the time
He never got to know Keigo lost his wings to All For One.
Afterall, Touya Todoroki was sleep in a deep coma. Doctors say it’s a miracle he survived the heat of his flames. They inspected his body once again, without the interference of Garaki this time.
It seemed, Dabi was surviving on more than just hatred and spite. Turns out, his mother had passed more than just her snow white hair and cold resistance down to him. Because what truly saved Touya, was his ice quirk, awakened in a near death situation.