Chapter Text
It’s been a month now at my new club, and I’m getting more and more fed up. Lilith keeps coming over and interrupting when I’m talking with Beatrice in training or in general around the club. It feels like I’m being sidelined when she appears. She’s confident I’m not. When in a big group, her natural self just swallows a group interaction with such ease. Beatrice is my friend, and I really like spending time with her. She’s a good listener, and I try to be for her too. But I think Lilith is more Bea’s type of person to be around. So as the games and time fly by, I’m beginning to go into my shell like I did at Benfica. It was nice to have a new friend to have someone to feel comfortable around, but Lilith is all over Beatrice now, so I don’t have her as much anymore.
To top it off, JC is getting a bit restless at home. I worried he might at some point. He loves Portugal; he loves the food, his friends, and being able to go into the city and know where he’s going. He has none of that here. He doesn’t have the same food or any friends here. He’s like me in a sense, but multiplied. He's lonely; he feels cut off from everything he knows. So am I. But at least I have social interaction at United with all my teammates, despite me only really enjoying Bea’s company. He has no one but me. We love each other deeply, but we can’t be the only people we spend time with, or it’ll drive us both mad.
So here I am pregame at Villa Park, home of Aston Villa, in the team dressing room, looking at my phone and contemplating letting him go home for a few weeks before coming back to me. I could be selfish, like I want to be, and say no to his recent request, or I could be considerate and let him go just to feel a bit less shocked by living in a new country.
We’re each other's safe space, though, and without him, I won’t feel safe anymore. I won’t feel warm at night when I go to sleep by his side. It would be like someone ripping away my comfy duvet, then opening all the windows and letting the cold air freeze me until I’m a lonely block of ice.
I tap my passcode to unlock my phone, then bring up a picture of me with him smiling happily in his arms in the Lisbon sunshine. I sigh shudderingly and close my eyes to stop the tears from flowing out of me. I’m being needy, but that’s our thing; we’re needy with each other. I don’t want him to go. He’s my home, and without my home, I’ll be lost and alone in a foreign country.
"Hey, are you alright?”
I hear Bea’s soft voice above me and open my tearful eyes. She’s kitted out in the club's away kit, ready for the game, like me. Unlike me, she’s fully focused and ready to get the points for the team to extend our lead at the top of the table to 4 points over Manchester City, our local rivals.
“Not really, no.” I look away from Beatrice and back to my phone. I can’t decide this second. I’ll discuss this more with JC when I’m home and we’re together again, where I feel safest and most loved.
Beatrice sits beside me as my teammates are all in varying stages of getting changed. I spot Lilith struggling with her shirt and notice for the first time that she’s wearing gloves, probably Bea's doing.
I feel a little shoulder bump from Beatrice but don’t look up from my phone from stroking my thumb over me with JC.
“What’s wrong?”
I sigh. “JC’s homesick; he’s asked to go back to Lisbon for a few weeks.”
“Oh.” Beatrice places her palm on my thigh, touching the fabric of my United shorts and my pale skin, and I look at her with tears begging to break free from my eyes.
“I haven’t spent weeks away from him for years, and it’ll be in a foreign country this time. I’ll be so alone.” I clench my jaw in annoyance at myself for being so weak. It would only be for a few weeks. It wouldn’t be the end of the world.
Beatrice strokes her thumb over my thigh and shakes her head. "No, you won’t be. I’m here. You’re my friend, and I’ll be here for you if you want me to be.”
I smile, but it’s a forced thing. Beatrice isn’t my fiancé; she isn’t the person I feel so attached to. "Thanks, but I know you’re busy with Lilith. I won’t be a burden on you.”
Beatrice moves her thumb to my eye and gently cleans some of my tears. Her thumb isn’t covered by gloves; it’s her sun-kissed thumb on my skin. It’s gentle, just like her eyes. “You’re not a burden; you’re my friend. I know I’m not JC, but I can check in on you while he’s gone to keep you company.”
I look into Bea’s soft eyes as she moves her thumb away, then sigh, calming myself. Beatrice really is nice. I’m glad she’s my friend. I just wish, even if it’s selfish, that Lilith wasn’t always near her now; it’s felt like I've lost something I only just gained. A friend—a person to gravitate towards during the scary first month of being at my new club.
“But what about Lilith…”
“She doesn’t own me.” Beatrice interrupts me, creasing her freckled nose as she does.
I smile again, but it’s not forced this time. Maybe me and Beatrice can spend some more time together and have more conversations, but without Lilith appearing every time. “O…Okay.” I place my hand on top of hers and squeeze.
Beatrice turns her hand over and grips my hand. She gets my anxiety, and I get her depression. It’s becoming increasingly clear that we understand each other and have empathy for both of our individual struggles. I have friends back in Portugal, but not friends who understand my struggle like Beatrice seems to.
Bea’s hand is calloused and strong against my own. It’s warm, and I squeeze it for dear life. I’m happy she’s my captain, my friend, and my teammate.
It’s almost time to go out for the match I see by the clock beyond Bea’s gentle gaze, so I shake myself, then take back my hand. “Nothing's decided yet anyway; I’ve still got to give JC my go-ahead before he leaves.”
I look away, then wipe my eyes and control my emotions. But I feel Bea’s hand on my shoulder. "Well, if he does go, I’ll be here for you during the weeks he’s gone.”
I nod with a thankful smile, and Beatrice pats my shoulder before getting up and walking away. That helped me a lot. I’m still very nervous about JC going, but my heart feels less heavy knowing Beatrice will be here for me. I won’t be alone.
—
In the middle of the park, as the clock hits 30 minutes, I marshal my teammates with focus in my eyes as snow falls down on me. We’re two-nil down, and both goals have been created on Ava’s side of the pitch. I thought my words might help her sadness at JC going back to Portugal for a while, but her mind is clearly not on this match, and my team is suffering because of it.
Aston Villa's right winger, Crimson, in a claret and blue jersey, bombs down Ava’s side of the pitch as a cross-field pass is sprayed her way. I know from experience that Crimson’s a dirty player; sometimes I’ve even seen her grin and take pleasure in injuring opponents. I’ve lost count of the number of times Crimson’s been sent off during her career.
I spot Ava preparing to intercept the ball mid-air. Her hair has become dishevelled and muddied. She’s really had a tough game, but despite her struggle, despite her sadness, and despite her mind being elsewhere, she’s really given her all and put her body on the line for the team. Unfortunately, it’s led to her getting bloodied and more or less beaten by Crimson.
Ava jumps to attempt to head the ball. My breath of cold air clouds my vision, but I see through the thick air that Crimson is going for the same ball. No. I can see what’s going to happen here. I’m powerless—powerless to help my friend when she needs me.
Ava heads the ball, but Crimson, leading with her elbow, smashes Ava’s head sickeningly.
“Ava!” I shout helplessly as Ava crumbles to the ground and then rests motionless on the snowy grass. Normally, in this situation, I’d go to the referee and scream for Crimson to be sent off. Not this time. It feels different. My heart twists in my chest. It hurts. Ava’s probably my best friend now. I have other friends who I’ve known for years, but I just seem to feel comfortable with Ava in a way I’ve never been with them.
I sprint to Ava, then slide on the frosty grass to reach Ava’s side. “Ava! Ava! Are you alright!?” I turn Ava over. There’s a gash on her forehead, and blood trickles down into her closed eyelids. “A..Ava?” I pat her cheek, which is probably not the correct thing to do in this situation, but my fear for my friend outweighs logic and outweighs my normally clear-headed mind.
There's a scuffle behind me and shouting between my teammates, the ref, and Crimson. I don’t care. Nothing else matters to me right now other than the pain in my chest. I’ve seen Ava be more withdrawn recently with Lilith around, and to be honest with myself, I haven’t enjoyed seeing it. Lilith’s great; she’s a great kisser; I've had sex with her multiple times now, and I’m glad we’re together. She's making me feel pleasure that I didn't feel before I started dating her. But I really liked me and Ava talking calmly and quietly away from the group sometimes, and Lilith's got in the way of that. None of that matters right now. Only Ava does. She’s bleeding; she’s unconscious, and her body has sagged to the floor limply.
“Medics!” I shout to the touchline for help, and the team of doctors, including Jillian, start to sprint over to me, with medical supplies in each of their hands.
Ava groans, suddenly drawing my eye. “Fique JC, não vá.”
Ava wearily goes to get up and blinks her eyes as blood blinds her. “Shhh, stay down. The medics are almost here.” I soothe and rub Ava’s shivering arm.
Ava really loves her fiancé; it’s sweet how much she doesn’t want JC to leave her, even for a few weeks. I personally don’t like the guy, but that’s neither here nor there. He’s Ava’s whole world, and that world is being selfish and wants to leave her alone when she needs his support as she continues to adjust to a new country. He’s a lucky man, and if I were him, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere she wasn’t.
“Where’s JC? Is he here? Where am I?” Ava mumbles and pats her lips as she lays back on the cold grass.
“Just stay still.” I palm Ava’s cheek, then stand aside for the medics.
“Is she alright?” Lilith asks behind me in concern and places her palm on my shoulder. I don’t reply; I just look at Ava with her blood staining the white snow-laden ground. It feels like Ava and the ground form one bleeding white rose. It’s so visceral and crushing for me to see. A woman who’s so pure and kindhearted—stained by her own blood—is in clear agony for more than just the physical pain she’s feeling. JC has caused her worry and distracted her today; he caused her emotional pain by wanting to leave her for a few weeks. This is his fault.
“Bea?”
“Bea?”
I hear Lilith’s voice, but my eyes stay fixed on Ava. On the bleeding white rose—on my friend, on my best friend. Ava’s my best friend now; she’s important to me, and she’s in pain. But all I can do is stand here, looking on helplessly as she bleeds in the snow.