Chapter Text
Kageyama didn't know how to smile, that was a fact that everyone knew and yet, they accepted, almost as if they had searched in an encyclopedia and next to a photo of his face such an inexorable fact appeared.
Kageyama Tobio doesn't know how to smile
His lips would grimace and his eyes would take on a manic gleam that would make small children cry, a fact proven on an awkward walk to the park with the team, which ended with a child crying in the arms of a confused mother who didn't understand why his son had begun to cry when Kageyama handed him the ball he had dropped, a Tanaka howling with laughter, a Suga with a compassionate look and a half-smile as the laughter rose up his throat in a snort, and a Daichi with an apologetic one. to the lady to whom he must have bowed at least a hundred and of course a very shocked Kageyama accompanied by a Hinata trying to imitate 'the look' (as Nishinoya called it) with a completely disappointing and adorable result.
So it was a fact. However, everyone knew that sometimes the setter's corners would rise even slightly without his consent, like when Tsukishima tripped on a loose patch of pavement or when Yachi couldn't stop hiccuping and sounded like a baby kitten, but especially when he was around a certain mess of orange hair. His eyes would shine a warm blue as if illuminated by the sun and he would cover his mouth as if he had to hide the lift of his lips from him like a secret.
So Kageyama didn't know how to smile, but he could still smile.
But, what many forget is that Kageyama didn't know how to cry either, he didn't know what the salty relief of the crystalline liquid felt like running down your cheeks or the way your breathing would ease afterwards and a heaviness would rise from your shoulders and make you feel like your brain had flown away, no, Kageyama didn't know that.
No one in his family was close enough to allow such a display of intimacy, his house was cold and silent, and as a child he never had the opportunity, nor later the need, to curl up on his mother's lap like the child in the park. He didn't get the comfort of a gentle hand that caressed his hair when he felt sad. The first few times he scraped his knees or was ignored by the other kids in his class he reacted like any other kid and curled up in his bed all day sobbing, but after hours of no one showing up he got exhausted and just wiped the tears off of his face and brushed it aside, that's how he learned to deal with his problems on his own at an early age, and began to consider tears a waste of time and energy that he preferred to concentrate later on volleyball.
He never considered his life to be abnormal until he began to notice that his classmates' parents were dropping them off at school or making them lunch with egg rolls and octopus-shaped sausages. Even so, when he realized, he didn't do anything. It didn't make sense, probably his parents weren't interested and he didn't care that it was like that, so he resigned himself to a lonely childhood without unnecessary tears.
So, when a boiling tear slides down his cheekbones right in the middle of a practice match, he cannot contain a surprised gasp mixed with a sob that escapes of his mouth. The trembling of his lips and knees when the latter give way and his hands went to his face. It was honestly shocking, for the team but specially for him.
What happened?
How did this happen?
Why is he crying?!
Why is HE crying??!!
The floor feels frozen and wet with the tears that fall down by his cheeks until they land on the too shiny parquet, when he tries to remember how to breathe because the air doesn't come, it doesn't come and he is drowning, he is drowning in his memories. He tries to remember in the midst of the panic that tightens his throat how he came to this completely unforeseen moment in his day's plan.
everything had been fine
That morning he had been fine, at least as fine as he always was, the bags under his eyes that had been there since high school had neither increased nor diminished and the small but fervent feeling of suffocation deep in his chest was no more powerful than it had been. the normal. There was nothing wrong.
He had eaten an apple and an energy bar as always, his parents were not at home, there was nothing wrong.
If he receives a message from Daichi explaining that morning practice will be canceled because they have to polish the gym and his face contorts into a bitter grimace no one has to say it, it's not like there would be anyone to see it anyway.
He met Hinata in the usual corner, they ran to school as always, they separated as always, he received looks of displeasure from his class as always, his teacher gave them an exercise guide like every Wednesday, he responded half as always, there was nothing wrong.
He wasn't surprised at all after notice later that he didn't smile once even when he stood next to the sun, the dark clouds blocking the warm light.
At lunch he ate with Hinata as always, if the boy invited Yamaguchi and Tsukishima this time it doesn't change anything, if he remained silent stirring his lunch without eating it doesn't change anything, it's because he doesn't like mackerel, just that. There was nothing wrong.
His next classes go by without any major problems, he fell asleep during English class as always, his eyes and head were heavy as always, he didn't bring his textbook as always, the teacher scolds him without paying much attention to him as always, there was nothing wrong .
Practice is regular, they run laps around the gym, Hinata complains about having to practice his reception and not being able to do spikes, Tsukishima lets out little acidic comments here and there, Yamaguchi scolds him after each one getting a small blush and a 'shut up Yamaguchi' every time. There was nothing wrong.
Then Suga suggests a practice match, Daichi supports it and although there are complaints there is no one really against it, so it is settled. It's Daichi, Tsukishima, Suga, Yamaguchi and Enoshita on one side and Kageyama, Hinata, Asahi, Nishinoya and Narita on the other. The rest of the members are content to watch and study the game instead of practicing, whoever did it was decided by means of a draw, or something like that. Supposedly at first it would be down to luck, but when Kageyama and Hinata got together and Daichi did with Suga too, Tsukishima refused to play unless it was with Yamaguchi (no one mentioned the obvious pink on his cheeks) and then Nishinoya wanted to be with Asahi and no one was able to say no. Narita and Enoshita really didn't care and everything fit so it was decided.
The match had gone well, Kageyama's serves had been accurate and Hinata's jumps were energetic and powerful, they were winning 18-16 in favor of Kageyama's team, there was nothing wrong.
everything had been fine
Until it wasn't anymore.
No one quite understood what really happened, perhaps it was a misinterpreted sign or a small moment of distraction, but whatever it was, the result was the same: Hinata bent down to fasten his shoe and a ball was served right on top of his head to then collide with a dull and repulsive sound that shook everyone in the gym, however, no one expected that when they looked back at the court they would find a Kageyama with glassy eyes staring at the ball, his lips contracted until they became practically white and looking dangerously close to starting to bleed at any moment from the tearing force of his clenched teeth, his dark eyebrows furrowed as a tear escaped from his tear sacs and fell to the ground, a sob tore through his chest and with it the heart of everyone in the room, his arms that were still extended after the service flew to his face and when his knees gave away he hunched over himself like a beetle stung by a stick, small snorts leaving his throat, everyone was frozen.
His setter was smashed on the floor and no one knew what to do, shock written all over the faces in the gym, even Tsukishima's normally flat face looked slightly scared and his eyes were unnaturally wide. A silent conversation and sign from Suga later, Daichi began to lead everyone out of the gym, it was obvious that the last thing Kageyama wanted now was an audience, yet he didn't say anything when Hinata stayed behind refusing to abandon her boyfriend, With one last worried look Daichi closed the door.
Why?
Why??
Stop crying damn it!
Kageyama tried and failed each time to normalize his breathing, his lungs turning into useless sacs that refused to take in enough air and making him choke on wet, desperate little gasps.
He could only see the backs of his teammates leaving, the crushing feeling of abandonment that made a home in his heart and never left again, the usually electric sound of the ball hitting the ground that this time did not mean scoring a point, nor failing a receipt, no. It was nothing more than a broken blow as if a hammer had been hit in the bones, reverberating in his ears without giving way.
He was there again, alone in the middle of the court where there were supposedly five other teammates, where there was supposedly trust and a shared desire to win, but he is alone, on the court and later alone on the bench with a wet towel on his head, while he tried to swallow his tears and avoid making a fool of himself more than he already did.
In a moment of realization, as he squeezed the life out of his blue shorts, he understands that he was always alone but he was too blind to notice, it hurt too much to accept it, it hurt too much to accept that his teammates really didn't forgot to ask him out with the team, it hurt. too much to admit that Oikawa Senpai had no problem helping the other first years, that Iwaizumi Senpai always looked a little uncomfortable around him, it hurt so much that he ignored it, erased it from his brain and covered it with thoughts of volleyball.
If he made everything better.
He would fix himself.
He would become strong enough.
He would win.
He didn't.
His game became even better, faster, more accurate, more perfect. But this only widened the gap that separated him from the rest of Kitagawa Daiichi, they couldn't catch his throws, they didn't understand his movements or tactics, the small thread that connected them was cut, unfortunately in his last high school game.
He was there again, he could smell the wax on the floor and the sweat, hear the voices of the public and the murmurs of the other team. He was there, but he wanted to leave, somewhere else, away from the looks of hate and pity. Far from the ball, far from his mistakes.
It was the first time he wanted to get out of the gym.
His hands were still burning where he had hit it, where he had hit the ball that there had been no one to receive, once again. He dug his nails into his palms until he felt a sticky liquid.
He had promised not to do it again, that no ball would fall because of him again, that he would not allow that his teammates, whom he had come to trust, to abandon him again.
They hate you and it's your fault
At that time it was and now too
It is always
None of them want to be with you, they were just polite
Even Hinata
A completely painful gasp escaped his chest and he switched from digging his nails into his palms to into the taut flesh of his legs.
king king king king king king king king
king king king king king king king king
king king king king king king king king
Nobody wants to play with a dictator like you.
Down with the king!
The mantra stuck to his brain like glue, it was chanted by his former teammates, Oikawa, Karasuno that he had come to trust. It hurts, it fucking hurts, but what burned like acid was the usually bright voice directed with pure hatred towards his person.
Down with the king, down with the king of the court!
His face sank into the small pool of salt water, and he drowned. He drowned as if it were deeper than the sea itself, he drowned as if it were more turbulent than his very soul, Kageyama Tobio was drowning in a puddle and the floor had never felt colder.
It was so cold, so lonely and lacking in human warmth.
Then out of nowhere it wasn't anymore. Strong, warm arms surrounded him and pressed against a small but solid chest, a calloused but soft hand caressed his hair as he sobbed.
“Kageyama!”
In the midst of his panic he hadn't noticed how Hinata finally managed to move his feet and rushed to his side with the most fucking broken look that could occupy his normally bright face.
“Hey, Kageyama…”
As Hinata assimilated his boyfriend's broken state with horror, more bitter tears slipped from his control.
Then suddenly a rapid heartbeat echoed in his ears, and he tensed even more in the lap of whoever it was. He couldn't make out the voice over the white noise that insisted on occupying his mind and his fried brain couldn't gather enough clues to come to a conclusion, but he felt like one and then two small hands, he felt faintly like the hand in his hair. had disappeared, they moved away their rigid ones, at least twice the size of their legs; just noticing the rivers of blood that ran down to his ankles, staining his previously white socks.
“Ka-Tobio…”
“Tobio”
The voice sounded tighter and tighter as if it were drowning just like Kageyama, full of emotion.
“I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Tobio.”
An emotion that could be described as guilt.
But that didn't make sense, his inability to keep people close and the past away was no one's fault but his own, as much as the thought hurt.
Who was this?
Kageyama tilted his head up a little with a small grimace at the stiffness of his contracted muscles, a mop of orange hair greeting him.
“I'm so sorry baby, please forgive me….Tobio”
“I'm here Tobio, and I'll never leave, I'll never drop a pitch from you again, so come on, come back to me, Tobio! Please!
His breathing was rapid gasps that barely allowed him to oxygenate his brain enough to understand words. But it was enough to capture the desperation in the voice that called him and he forced himself to take a breath of air that, although it made him choke, calmed his breathing a little. When he was able to stop coughing he tried again, with a better result this time.
“Yes like that, shhhhh, breathe baby, come on, you're doing well, keep breathing, come on, with me.”
His eyes widened at the sight before him, Hinata was crying almost as bad as he was, his eyes squeezed together and strongly shut as he takes the life out of Tobio with his arms and taking exaggerated deep breaths for him to copy, his hand again grabbing strands of black hair with such desperation that it almost hurt, Kageyama choked on a new, slightly calmer sob.
“Shouyo..?”
Hinata's teary eyes snapped open, immediately seeking Tobio's blue ones.
“Tobio! “There you are baby”
He was, always has been, lost in his mind or drowning in feelings he doesn't understand or doesn't want to understand, but it has always been with him. Shouyo is the sun in his life, which prevents him from withering and perishing like a plant in the middle of the desert. He will always be there, no matter that breathing feels like swallowing glass and his lungs feel like they have been stepped on. He won't leave.
“Shouyo”
“Tobio”
The name came out more like a moan than anything else when Hinata threw over him, taking away the little air he had managed to gather and making him cough. Hinata let go of him immediately and caressed his back in apology. A faint but hopeful glow adorning his features.
Kageyama took a deep breath, trying to get enough air into his lungs, his throat burning like he had swallowed glass and his tongue feeling covered in cotton. But Hinata's lap was warm and the hand in her hair had stopped pulling it to caress it gently.
The setter allowed himself to lean against the smaller boy's chest, his hand following the line of the number on his partner's shirt, the repetitive motion calming him. Small kisses were placed on his neck, face and any remotely exposed part, scattered and soft as rain, soothing whispers accompanying him.
“It's okay, you're okay, I'll always be there to catch whatever you throw at me, Tobio, always.”
The words were delicate, but there was a strength behind them that warmed Tobio's patched heart, and at least for now he allowed himself to believe them.
Only then did he notice that they were alone in the gym, confusion was written on his face. Where did everyone go? Just as confusion began to turn into panic Hinata seemed to notice his distress because he tightened his grip and whispered in his ear.
“Sshh, everyone is outside the gym, Suga and Daichi thought you wouldn't want to be with so many people at once, everyone was worried about you, even Tsukishima!”
Shouyo let out a small laugh.
“You should have seen his face, Yamaguchi had to almost drag him outside.”
Then his expression became serious
“But seriously, Tobio, everyone was worried" I was worried.”
"I-I'm sorry-"
“You don't have to apologize baby, but I just wish you would tell me if it happens again, Tobio I was so scared…” The hand on his hair seemed to tremble a little, but resumed its massage almost immediately.
“I promise Shouyo, but I honestly didn't realize there was anything wrong until I was on the ground.”
Hinata squeezed him tighter and kissed his cheek. “Then I will take care of you, I never want to see you like this again, dumbass.”
The smaller boy moved away a little so their eyes could meet, however, his hands remained on her shoulders.
“I don't want to see my boyfriend on the floor crying anymore mn? If you need to cry, at least come into my arms so I can make you feel better."
Kageyama nodded softly, he was tired. He didn't really notice it until the tears went away and had the lap of his boyfriend looking so soft and attractive to lay down.
At first he stopped himself over the thought, but you know? He was tired and just collapsed over all the team. He can get his human warmth pillow as fair.
He hesitantly leaned forward until most of his torso was resting on Hinata's smaller body.
“Shouyo… I'm tired.”
Hinata kissed his forehead sweetly.
“I know baby, we're going to heal those cuts, and then we will go to bed, does that sound good?”
“Mn…”
Kageyama was so exhausted that he couldn't bring himself to give a better answer than that, at this point he hadn't even remembered the small wounds left by his nails, he buried himself deeper into the crook of his boyfriend's neck.
Hinata smiled lovingly at his sleepyhead and carefully lifted him onto his back.
"We're going home"