take this the wrong way

by Milky_Etoile

Summary:

In the final week of junior year, the Bad Kids are finally free to just relax and pursue other things like relationships.
Or, in some people's cases, gossip about them.

Or

Five times the other Bad Kids assumed who Gorgug was dating.
+ The one time they find out.

Notes:

I am once again stressed, so I'm posting this instead of sleeping like I should be lol

this chapter was supposed to have actual narrative in between texts, like in my mind, Fig was supposed to be hanging out with Ayda. but then...idk the texting got out of hand. so now this whole thing is just texting. next chapter will have actual narrative tho, I never intended for this to be a chat fic. maybe something to try in the future, purely chat fic 😂

I already have around...half of this whole fic written so hopefully this will not take me long to complete. hopefully.

anyway, enjoy <3

for clarity, Fig's texts are on the left and Gorgug's are on the right.
also, in this fic, there's still a week or two of classes after election before the end of term.

Chapter 1: Figueroth Faeth Supports Shirt Sitting

Summary:

Fig receives a text from Gorgug and shows some support.

🥁rage against the metrognome🎧

Do we still have hoodies from the last tour?

ye i still have some in hell
what size? 

XS maybe?
Oh wait XXS
Or XXXS
Just do both 

didnt ur parents already buy a shit ton without telling us? 

It's not for them

whomst???
WAIT XXSS DO U MEAN FOR MARY ANN?!?!
DOES SHE LIKE OUR BAND???? 

Maybe 

MAYBE??? COME ON I NEED TO KNOW
the coolest girl in school likes our band
my mission is accomplished

What mission??

to be the coolest band 😎

I thought you said we were already the coolest?

were the COOLESTEST now mary ann likes us!!!

Ok…

anyway I already knew u were fucking but
damn
do u want the one with ur face 

NO 

aww but wont she like to sit on it 

FIG PLS STOP 

I MEANT THE SHIRT BC ITS SOFT NOT UR FACE wow gorgug keep ur mind out of the gutter 

Why would you even suggest sitting on a shirt??? 

dude sitting was ur pick up line 

On a bench!! It was connected!!! 

what and sitting on shirts isnt? 

No!! 

ayda sits on my shirts

I did NOT need to know that

when i leave them on my bed!! jeez ur mind

First, Ayda would never
Second, who’s the one who does more innuendoes??

ur absolutely right, ayda would never
shes so sweet she folds them when i leave them out <3

Are you trying to have her “steal” your shirts, is it that clothes sharing thing

Shshshshshshhhhhhhh no

Just ask her??

respectfully gorgug
no <3

Do you want me to sc and send to Ayda??

dbwo9288eqjoefuqpq
maybe

NO DONT DO IT

Too late

iendhiwjfvkw betrayal
im gonna make our next song be shirt sitting 

Fig I am actually begging you not to write that 

fiiiiiine ur boring 

Just...the shirts please? 

baby baby will deliver it later 

Why him? 

he needs some time away from baby
they were making too many babies 

I also did not need to know that 

why not?? he can give u tips 👀 

🌙 🥁rage against the metrognome🎧 has notifications silenced 

Notify Anyway 

ok sorry no more teasing!! come back gorgug!!! 

You're on thin fucking ice 

im gonna behave i swear

You better

u luv me uwu

Yeah I do

gross
luv u too <3

<3

anyway congrats on the bench sex u dog 🎉
lets do a double date some time

🌙 🥁rage against the metrognome🎧 has notifications silenced

 

Notes:

I love Fig and Gorgug's relationship <3

Mary Ann liking Fig and the Cig Figs was inspired by PantheraUltra's Afterrage. I love the idea so much.

I made myself laugh with 'rage against the metrognome'.
my first option was 'monitour metrognome' bc I kinda hc sometimes when Fig gets excited, she starts playing at a faster tempo, and Gorgug in contrast maybe used to stick to the in-ear monitor metronome until he became the metronome lmao idk I swear I'll write something focused on Cig Figs to get out all this random band headcanons

who do you think will be next and who will they assume Gorgug's dating? 🤔

Chapter 2: Riz Gukgak Doesn’t Want Bad Roëmænce

Summary:

Riz runs into Unit at school and formally introduces himself.

Notes:

hello, yes, I am alive. recovering from a horrible cold, but less stressed than before and finally able to write. so here's the second chapter of this silly little fic. I hope you all enjoy <3

Riz had just come out of a meeting with Kristen and Mazey regarding the turnover of duties. The meeting proper was already done but, as part of his reluctant quest to exert less control over things, he made the decision to excuse himself from the rest of the conversation.

Anyway, they had ended up discussing relationships and sex, which Riz was generally okay with. It’s normal, after all. But there was only so much sexual advice from Kristen and talk about Mazey’s experience with Fabian that he could take.

He was also starting to get jitters from his caffeine withdrawal so, as per Jawbone’s advice, he was going to get something with low caffeine to drink. Apparently, abruptly cutting off caffeine was not good. So Jawbone had told him to slowly lessen his intake instead, to avoid withdrawal symptoms. Who knew?

When he got to the nearest vending machine, he saw Gorgug’s classmate? Friend? Situationship-mate? The modron, Unit, was getting a couple of drinks. 

“Hey there!” Riz greeted with a wave. “Unit, right? From Gorgug’s artificer class?”

“Bleepbloop!” Unit greeted back, waving back with one of the bottled drinks. Riz noted it was a peach tea drink that Gorgug particularly liked. “Boobeeup?”

It took Riz a moment to translate that in his head. He wasn’t as fluent as Gorgug in these kinds of languages. Maybe they could coordinate making a translator some time? He made a mental note to discuss it with Gorgug later.

“Yes, I’m from Gorgug’s party, the Bad Kids,” he confirmed with a hopefully friendly smile. “My name’s Riz Gukgak, licensed investigator.” He pulled out one of his business cards and presented it. “Also soon to be class vice president here at Aguefort.”

“Blooplup!” Unit congratulated. He transferred the tea to his left arm to get the card. He inspected it with his eye for a moment. “Piibooeee ploplop. Bluuoop!”

“Thanks!” Gorgug was apparently right about Unit being nice. Not everyone just accepted and complimented Riz’s business cards, even if he was sort of popular now. “Is that for Gorgug?”

He gestured to the drink in Unit’s arm. If Riz recalled right, Gorgug was staying a bit later with his artificer class. They were working on some project for extra credit. Gorgug obviously didn’t need any extra credit anymore, but he didn’t want to leave his groupmates hanging, the absolute sweetie.

“Bloopbloop!” Unit confirmed. “Pooeebloopblop.”

Riz nodded. “That’s nice of you.” He hesitated for a moment, but then decided to just ask, “Hey, I heard you and Gorgug are kinda…” He wasn’t sure how to put it and just vaguely gestured by linking his index fingers.

Unit let out a surprised beep and dropped one of the bottles. Thankfully, it didn’t open. Riz picked it up and handed it back.

“Sorry if that’s invasive or, I don’t know,” Riz apologized with a sheepish grin.

“Bleepleep,” Unit said with a wave of the bottle he was holding. “Blupleeleem ploplop bloomlup.”

Riz nodded in understanding. Definitely a “situationship” as Mary Ann summed it up last week.

“Well, I’m happy for you guys,” he said with a thumbs up. “Anything that makes Gorgug happy is good in my book.”

“Beeooweep,” Unit said, agreeing with the sentiment.

“That said…”

Riz paused and motioned Unit closer. Unit leaned down. Riz placed his hands on Unit’s sides and stared directly into Unit’s eye.

“Gorgug can take care of himself, but sometimes, he’s too nice to say anything,” he hissed, baring his sharp teeth threateningly. “I’m not one to judge unconventional relationships, but I hope he fucking knows how much he means to you because he deserves that. Otherwise, you might find out just how my friends and I defeated gods and dragons. You got that?”

Unit let out an alarmed beep and nodded. “Blooploop!”

Riz let go of Unit and gave him another grin, all hints of hostility now gone from his features. “Good talk. I guess I’ll see you around, yeah?”

Unit nodded again and actually saluted. “Bleepleep!” Then, he hurried off with the drinks.

Satisfied, Riz approached the vending machine and decided to try that peach tea drink.

It was far from his beloved coffee, but at least it had caffeine.

Notes:

the idea for Riz to give a shovel talk came to me the other day and wouldn't leave my mind. I actually did a little survey on the D20 Fanfic server a few hours earlier on who would be likely to give a shovel talk, to see if the idea seemed in character for others. most answered Fig, which, valid, with her german shepherd mode lol but idk, I just love the idea of Riz threatening someone on behalf of his friends. I love when Riz is just a lil unhinged. tbh they all are unhinged, I love them <3

any guesses for who's up next? lmk what you think!