Chapter Text
When your evil-guitar-alien boss annoys the shit out of you with his mildly obnoxious antics, which is often, you try to remind yourself why you got into this job in the first place. To be up in space in Nordic Bunny’s headquarters is to not be on Earth amongst humanity, and that’s good enough for you. You wouldn’t particularly like for anything bad to happen to Earth, or humanity, but that doesn’t mean you want to be a part of it. You know that Nordic Bunny isn’t truly a threat to the existence of Earth, though you would never tell him so, and is more of… well, a nuisance to the green planet, so joining his legion seemed right up your alley as a way to rebel against and escape Earth. It wasn’t necessarily easy - the guy’s not a big fan of humanity or humans, or at least he proclaims so, obviously as he is always attempting to dismantle their society with his increasingly bizarre antics - but somehow, you were able to join his force as his first-ever human minion. You don’t like to think of yourself as a minion, really - no offense to those guys - you like the term servant or assistant more, but Nordic calls you his minion anyways. Sneaking onto his outbound alien space-ship and confessing your allegiance without getting blasted into nothingness by a purple space-ray was surprisingly doable, but it did take some courage. Getting him to trust you took time, but after some praise, pledging of your devotion to… whatever it is that his goal is, and demonstration of usefulness, you were accepted as a useful piece of equipment and given a uniform of your very own. You never looked back after that, really. The food you’re given is strange, and you have to sleep in a dorm, and follow the sometimes stupid demands of your manic, scheming boss, but overall… it’s not bad. There’s never a dull day.
Actually, you kind of like Nordic Bunny. Quite a bit. A little too much. But you try to keep it professional and ignore those little flutters in your heart. Really, you think he’s sort of ridiculously adorable, but you’re his minion, not his friend, so expressing those feelings is definitely against your best interest. But when you can, you do try to dish out a cheeky little compliment or some overly-flattery praise and watch him either revel in the compliments or struggle to comprehend the affection.
This morning (not that the sun really rises or sets here, but you adhere to a system of timekeeping anyways), he’s just called you into his lair through the overhead speaker right next to your dorm space. You do have tasks to complete without his instruction, but often he calls for you if he wants you to do something specific, such as gather information and create a report on the doings of his other minions or the progress of whatever weird project he’s working on at the moment. You had just finished spiffing up your uniform and hat, similar to that of a regular minion uniform but with more fabric to cover your unusually human body and a cute little hat similar to his instead of a helmet, when his voice came over the speaker to beckon you to duty: “Human minion, your assistance is needed! Come at once!” Spoken in a demanding, self-important manner. Sighing, you adjusted your hat and hair one more time in the small, dingy circular mirror of your dorm before heading out into the hallways of his vast space-fortress towards his lair of sorts. Really just a big room with a glowing green Earth hologram where he struts around and giggles to himself about his current schemes.
After many elevators, walking, and nods to other minions, you finally arrived at the doors of his lair, giving their metal exterior a hearty knock to alert him of your arrival. “Sir, reporting for duty! Can I come in?” You yelled, standing up straight.
The double-doors opened on their own within seconds, and you walked through them with your eyes darting around for him, hands behind your back. After a moment, you spotted him in the large metal chair he calls his throne, and walked swiftly up to him to stand and stare up at him - his throne sits on a platform a few feet high, so when he sits in it, you have to strain your neck to look up at him, quite an annoyance, and you assume so for the other minions as well.
You cleared your throat. “Um, hi sir! What is it that you need of me this morning? Reports? You name it, I do it.”
Nordic Bunny sat with his legs crossed in his throne, one hand leaning against his head, eyes squinted as if in thought. He looked down at you, slit black pupils in seas of red, with a dignified but almost uninterested look.
“Hello, human-minion. Yes, it is reports that I need, but also, I was in need of assistance for some human-related questions, after you get reports that is. Unless you already have them prepared.” He seemed more serious than usual, generating a lot less bravado than you were used to. Despite what one might think, he is sometimes calm, but not usually solemn. You like when he talks to you like a normal person and not like you’re some sort of simple-minded bug and he’s the ultimate all-powerful king of the universe, but today something seems off. You eyed his shiny, spiky golden crown and big glorious shoulder pads with appreciation and nodded, smiling at him calmly.
“Actually, I do pretty much have reports prepared. I was just working on them last night, so they’re pretty current. Everything is going according to plan on the assembly of the mega-robo-hamster-3000, all the parts are in order and the project is going well! Assembly should be complete within just a few days. Here,” You reached into your back pocket and brought out a small cylindrical device, a handheld hologram projector, and held it up vertically in front of you, pushing its single button with your thumb and angling it upward towards him for viewing. From out of the top of the device a large green-tinted holographic screen expanded its way out into the air, a hovering, glowing display of the most recent uploaded document. An image of the project along with the logs of all ordered and manufactured parts glowed towards Nordic Bunny, and he uncrossed his legs and leaned forwards, squinting to view the progress of his creation. A slight smile spread across his face as his eyes scanned back and forth examining your report, and once he had observed it to satisfaction, he nodded and leaned back into his chair, looking through the projection and through you as well, pushing his fingers against each other in thought.
“Excellent. Fool-proof. Thank you, minion, you can get rid of it now.” He waved a dismissive hand through the 2D hologram, causing it to flicker, and you quickly shut it off with another push of the device’s button, gracefully shoving it back into your pocket.
“Very well, sir! And yes, your creation is immaculate as always. It’s sure to beat them. And if it doesn’t, then, well, that’s their problem and not yours and you’ll definitely get them the time after that!” You flashed him a bright smile and looked up at him expectedly, momentarily forgetting his other request, your body somewhat tense from the excitement of your one-on-one interaction. Quickly, you remembered his mention of another task, something about human questions. “Oh, and you said you had questions for me or something, sir? What’s up?”
“Oh. Those. Yeah. You see, human,” Nordic Bunny sighed somewhat dramatically, leaning back in his throne and looking off into the distance. You began preparing yourself for something lengthy and strange, leaning your weight onto one leg and jutting out the other one to your side, arms behind your back. He always says the word “human” in a matter-of-fact way, as if it’s a strange foreign word, or as if he must remind you of your status. His lair is somewhat quiet except for the hum of the many strange appliances and wires in its interior, as well as the even greater hum of the Earth hologram off in the distance. “Part of the reason I allowed you to join my legion was because your connection to humans was valuable to me. You possess valuable information about Earth and its societies that is useful to me, understand? So, in order to utilize this access to valuable information, I must ask you about the weaknesses of humans. That is your assignment. Of course, I already know, mostly! I’m very knowledgeable, obviously. But it would be most wise to hear it straight from the source! So, besides obvious things like their ridiculous emotional schemes and futile disputes, and their fragile forms, what would you proclaim to be the greatest weaknesses of Earth’s inhabitants? Surely you have some useful insight. Not that it would be more useful than my already grand knowledge.” Once he was finally finished talking at you, Nordic Bunny leaned forward and rested his head on a fist, staring in scrutiny and waiting for a response.
Your mind ran blank for a moment. Why was he asking you this right now, first thing in the morning? You couldn’t get some administrative tasks done first? Just.. straight to the questioning? And how is it any more useful to your current mission than any of the others? You weren’t sure exactly how human weaknesses correlated to the use of the mega-robo-hamster-3000, this time simply one uniform giant mechanical creature and not made up of hundreds of tinier semi-organic forms of the same creature. Drifting off for a moment and focusing your sight on his platform boots, you furrowed your brows while you conjured up what information you could give him.
“Well, sir, I… That’s kind of a hard question to answer.” Your eyes drifted off to the right to stare at the floor in continued thought. “...Individual humans each have their own weaknesses, see. But I do suppose that society as a whole has shared weaknesses. The ones you listed are pretty spot-on, typical for you, sir.” You shot him an affirming smile before averting your gaze again. “Emotional, combatant, greedy, and stubborn are words that come to mind. Humans are driven by their emotions and desires. They focus on things much less important than the grand scheme of things, like procuring Stanley cups and paying off credit card debt. If you’re asking for my humble opinion on what weaknesses we should focus on, then I would say either greed or desire. Humans want things. I mean, all creatures do, but humans especially. They’re emotional, driven by desire and ego.” Sometimes you feel guilty to slander your own kind in such a way, but your words are mostly true. There is good in some humans, yes, but in your mind, these positive traits are often overshadowed.
Nordic Bunny squinted his eyes at you and nodded, listening attentively. Once you were finished, he nodded his head slightly in consideration, as if digesting your words.
“Hmm. Yes. Your reports match my own notions of human weakness. Very well, thank you, human-minion.”
“Is there any reason you’re asking me that right now? Does it relate to our specific project at the moment…?” You asked innocently. He doesn’t usually get mad at you for implying fault or questioning him like he does with his actual minions.
“... Well, I consider human weakness in the planning of every operation, of course! But… I guess I was just wondering about your intel on the matter. I was thinking about stuff. Stuff like, human strengths and why they seem to somehow foil my plans each time even though I’m clearly incredibly worthy of defeating them,” his voice raised in volume and intensity slightly as his run-on sentence progressed, “...Like, y’know, weaknesses, strengths, stuff.”
“Oh, I see.” You nodded your head, looking up at him with understanding. “Don’t worry, sir. Your previous battles don’t say anything about your overall ability or strength. I know you can do it! And I’ll be right there with you, giving you all the human intel you need.”
“Yes, I know. Ultimately I’m still a major threat - I just keep going way too easy on them,” He looked down at you in exasperation and clenched a fist dramatically. “It’s just - they continuously somehow defeat me with uncalled-for methods such as bringing my creations to tears with awful, soppy emotion-bringing ballads. It’s foul play. Clearly they have strengths, like… like trickery and manipulation,” he added with a spiteful zing. You continued to nod empathetically.
"Yeah, they do have strengths, too. But don’t let that get you down, sir. You have way more strength! You just gotta apply it!”
“Apply your human intel as to what these strengths entail, minion.”
“Hmm… honestly, despite this kinda also going against their… our… weaknesses, I would say the love and friendship they’re capable of beholding. The passion. I mean, you gotta admit, your most formidable foes yet (though not formidable enough and still totally not as powerful as you), Shred Force, they’re like, obviously super good friends. You’ve seen them come together as friends initiating teamwork before to foil your epic plans. I mean, humans are also terrible and cruel to each other, but human friendships are really something when they actually put their hearts forth.” You did your best to give him a genuine answer. As you spoke, Nordic Bunny’s expression gradually changed from confident and inquisitive to almost annoyed or peeved. By the time you were finished, he looked downright distressed, furrowing his brows and glaring, bearing his teeth, not at you but in response to your words.
He sighed. “That’s exactly the problem, minion. The friend thing. It’s really gross, that they do that, the whole friend thing, even though once I conquer the Earth they will of course all want to be my friend and I will humbly have to accept as their great ruler, but you are correct that it seems to be an advantage that they have. You have experience being friends with people, right minion?”
“Um… Yeah, I guess. Of course I’ve had friends.” Your chest hurt a little bit suddenly. It was never your favorite thing to talk about your life on Earth. You’d always preferred to ignore that aspect of yourself and focus on Nordic Bunny’s doings and your daily routines, and playing games on the beat up 2DS that Nordic gave you as an ‘enrichment item’ from one of his ‘conquests’. “I mean, a lot of them kind of faded out. A lot of them weren’t very genuine. Some of my friends even hurt me. But yeah, I’ve had friends, I’ve been a friend.”
“Mm. Yes. I suspected so. And you would agree that this friendship thing is a human strength?”
“Yeah, I would say so.” You shifted your feet around.
“Yes. Well. As the most powerful Ruler of the Galaxy that I am, I need to be one-upping those human chumps on all levels! Now, this isn’t to say that I don’t have friends, cause I totally do, and even if I didn’t then it would be because I was too good for menial things such as friendship, but… I guess I’m sorta lacking in that department, huh? So I need to fix that.”
“Right. Sure, sir.” You had no idea what he was getting at or where this was coming from. He’s never really talked about stuff like this with you before. You wondered if the topic had anything to do with the strange mood he was in. Did he… did he feel bad about his lack of friends? “The great Nordic Bunny rarely lacks in any department, but if it ever does happen then I know we’ll conquer it right away. So… uh, what exactly do you have in mind?”
“I dunno, you’re the minion! It’s your job to come up with solutions for me when I ask for them!” Nordic Bunny crossed his arms and scowled at you unseriously.
“Oh. Um. Okay, well…” You continued to shift around, bringing your arms out from behind your back and pushing your fingers together in thought. You suspected you knew what he was getting at, but you were almost too embarrassed to suggest it, worried that perhaps it was too direct. Regardless, you prepared to propose your solution. “Um, I could… be your friend. Or, rather, take the role of friend. Friend-minion. For the purpose of conquest and upping our retaliation against opposing forces.”
Nordic Bunny made a facial expression as if the thought would have never even crossed his mind, something like a cross between confusion and disgust. He took a moment before responding. “Sorry, minion, but we aren’t friends. You’re just a little dum-dum who goes around and does tasks for me and occasionally helps me with evil brainstorming. It’s flattering that you think that, though.” There wasn’t any real sting behind his words, and they seemed to be more of a defense than a diss. As if being friends with you would just be preposterous. He seemed to have already made up his mind that this would be his initial response to proposed friendship.
Your feelings felt slightly dampened. “Well, yes. But I just mean that I can take the role of friend, Nordic Bunny sir. In a completely professional and detached manner. For the purpose previously stated. Y’know? Like, you can consider me a friend and we can engage in friend stuff but actually I’m still just a minion.” Talking about all this being friends with Nordic Bunny all of a sudden was making your heart beat faster. You were beginning to suspect that all this sudden talk of friendship and human abilities wasn’t purely for the sake of scheming, but wondered if perhaps your boss was feeling a little… insecure.
“Hm. Yes, that could work, I suppose.” He didn’t seem to know how else to respond for a moment, staring scrutinizingly at you. His posture seemed stiff. His acceptance of your proposition seemed almost too sudden, as if he were hoping you would suggest such a thing but didn’t want to suggest it himself. God, you hoped so. For Nordic Bunny to want to be your friend and hang out with you? The giddy feeling in your stomach began to rise even further, spreading into your limbs and creating an uncomfortable excitement within you. “So, you’re proposing that I hire you as my “friend” in an effort to strengthen our forces, minion?” He spoke confidently, but his eyes sort of darted around awkwardly and expectedly after he was finished speaking.
“Yes, sir! I could certainly do that!” Now that he was seeming more accepting, you began to work diligently to convince him further of the plan. You made an effort to stand up straight and smile at him reassuringly. “I think it would definitely be beneficial! J-Just for the purpose of one-upping Shred Force, yes? Unless you just wanted to hang out with someone. That’s okay, too. No shame in that. As your humble, devoted human assistant-minion, I’m fully prepared for any friendship that is needed of me.” Your demeanor became mildly sheepish.
Nordic Bunny gave you sort of a sour look as if you had insulted him, raising one side of his mouth, and stared at you in mild feigned disgust. You swore there might be a slight pinkish tint under his eyes, if guitars could even blush, but you weren’t sure. The ambient buzzing of the Earth-hologram in the background became more apparent for a moment. Nordic Bunny cleared his throat, shaking his head slightly. “N-No, minion, this isn’t some sort of attempt to actually be friends with you. I don’t need that. This is purely operational,” He said, still squinting, attempting to make it obvious how much he didn’t need or want a friend. “...But, if you need to think of it that way in order to perform the friend-operation effectively, go ahead. It’s only natural you would want to be friends with me, anyway - greatness and power attracts. Your admiration is appreciated.” He smiled dismissively at the last bit.
“Right, yes, of course. Um…” You weren’t sure how to continue. You guessed he was going to keep playing this game of your newfound ‘friendship’ being only a sort of a fake thing, but you were okay with that. You were willing to play that game with him if it meant even pretending to be friends. Besides, you had a way of seeing through his fronts and facades and recognizing the genuine vulnerability that lied beneath. “So, can you give me direct orders, then? Let us officiate this operation.”
“Direct orders?” He tilted his head, his crown wobbling slightly on top of his hat. His eyes darted around again nervously and he straightened up, regaining a semblance of authority. “Oh. Yes. Ahem. Minion, I order you to engage in a friendship operation with me in order to strengthen our legion’s defense against opposing forces! You are most fit for the task seeing as you are a human, and therefore only you will be capable of completing this task! Now, um… let us commence! Onward!!” Once he’d finished yelling his official orders at you, he smiled rashly and pointed a finger at you demandingly, leaning forward in his chair. He was flashing that manic smile that he always did when he was crafting up some scheme, red eyes wide and demanding to be paid attention to, crown somehow having fixed itself straight again atop his head. You tensed at his volume and nodded violently, flashing a hand made into the ‘rock-on’ symbol and smiling with mild alarm.
“Yes, sir! Consider the operation begun!”
A moment of silence hung, and Nordic awkwardly lowered his outstretched arm and stared at you, maybe expecting you to do something, but not sure what that something would be. He blinked.
“Well, initiate! Go on!”
“Um…” You scratched your head. The distant, muffled clanking and whirring of other operations sounded from across the headquarters, presumably continued construction. It felt hard to breathe. “Well, there are a lot of things that friends do. It isn’t just one thing. We need to figure out what it is specifically that we’re going to be doing as friends.”
“I know that, nitwit.”
“Then… what are we gonna do? Do you want me to decide? Or…”
“Well, obviously, friends.. Hang Out! Duh! So that’s what we need to do! Come on, minion, you should know this.” Nordic Bunny rose from his seat, towering over you still standing on the platform of his throne. Instinctively, you moved a few feet to the side, and he stepped down from the platform, hands on his hips and stooping down slightly to look at you. He towered a good few feet above you without stooping. You involuntarily sucked in a gasp of air through your nose at his increased presence and looked widely up at him, color flooding embarrassingly to your face. “Use your human intellect to figure out what kind of hang-out we need to have!” His voice sounded crisper now being closer to you, red tie hanging in the air a foot or two from your face.
“Um! Yeah, okay, so, we’re gonna hang out. Usually if you’re not doing a specific activity, hanging out just means talking and enjoying each other’s company. So, do you wanna, like… sit down and talk about things? Or like, I dunno if you have any video games or anything. Any collections you want to show me, or…” You trailed off, thinking of the different ways you could hang out with the Ruler of the Galaxy and Nightmare to Humanity, holding your hands clasped in front of your stomach.
“Sit down and talk about what?” He asked, sounding genuinely confused. It made you nervous the way he stooped down to you. Your nose caught a faint plastic-y scent.
“Anything! Anything you want. What you like, what you dislike, y’know. We can talk about your plans if you want. Or you can listen to me talk about human stuff if that would be easier. C-Can we, um, sit down?”
“S-Sit down where?” He didn’t seem very good at this.
“Don’t you have any chairs or couches or anything?”
“...Yeah, of course. Hang on.” Standing up straight, Nordic Bunny strutted over to the long glass window overlooking the factory space and pushed a button on the wall. With a loud mechanical whirring noise, the floor opened up a few feet away and out folded a red metal couch-looking thing. Once it had ascended into view the floor closed up underneath it. Nordic looked back at you with a smile of satisfaction and grace, placing his hands back on his hips confidently.
“Oh! Cool!” You raised your eyebrows and smiled at him from across the room. You wondered what other strange contraptions were hiding in his lair.
Nordic Bunny sat down stiffly on the metal couch-thing and flicked his eyes around, mouth made into an awkward, anticipatory pout. His tail laid awkwardly to the side. Jumping into action, you cleared your throat and jogged over to the couch, and after pausing for a moment to figure out how close you should sit, you climbed onto the rather large seat portion and settled a comfortable few feet away from him, turning your body sideways towards him and bringing your legs up to the side of your body. You hadn’t really suspected that this was what you’d be doing today, but you definitely couldn’t complain. Mirroring your position of comfort, Nordic scooted away a bit and then brought up his legs to sit criss-cross-applesauce, placing his hands in a clasp whilst his elbows leaned on his knees. His neck sort of bent slightly out of his glowing base as he slouched across from you.
“Cool. I didn’t know you had a couch in the floor. It’s made of metal, but that’s okay. Usually human couches are softer.” You said, truthfully.
“Well I’m not a measly human, am I?” He shot insultingly.
“True, sir. That’s okay, no worries! Um… so, let’s commence our hangout now. What do you wanna talk about?”
“Ermm..” He furrowed his brows and glanced around awkwardly. “I dunno, tell me about… tell me about your favorite human stuff or something.” He said ‘human stuff’ as if he were referring to something grotesque.
“Oh, okay! … And just so you know, sir,” You swallowed nervously and flashed a sheepish, genuine smile at him. His expression changed to something undetectable. Now that you were sitting across from him, even though he was still taller, you were closer to eye-level than you had probably ever been. “Even though this is just a professional friend-operation for the sake of antagonistic improvement, I’m… I’m excited to hang out with you.”
Nordic Bunny looked like he might combust for a moment, crimson eyes bulging and mouth bent into a frown. His eye twitched and you swore his face looked pinker again. “Um. Ah.” He didn’t seem to know what to say. “Th… Thanks. It’s only natural. You should want to hang out with your great ruler. Everyone does. You’re very lucky that you’ve been assigned this operation. Don’t hold yourself too highly, though.” He resorted to arrogance in order to cover up any softness that might show through and straightened his posture a bit to show how great he was. Despite this performance, you could sense that he did genuinely appreciate your words. You messed with the sleeve of your uniform nervously.
“Yeah, of course. You’re very right. I just wanted to tell you that.” You shifted to get more comfortable, leaning your arm on the back of the metal couch. “Well then, let’s commence our hang-out, then, sir! Enough with the small-talk!” You said nervously, raising your voice. You could still feel the air passing uncomfortably fast in and out of your lungs, your pulse thumping in your neck and chest. He was a little too close, enough so that you could observe all his glorious features in perfect rendition - bold red makeup, imposing spiked crown, shining red strings, glowing neon pit of nothingness which his neck mysteriously vanished into. Cute, exaggerated cartoonish expressions all close up for your viewing pleasure. Nordic Bunny all to yourself just to hang out with, one on one. A human and a debatably evil guitar-alien-overlord that owns a planet and wears platform boots and makeup - that’s definitely not a normal pairing. Has it always been this warm in his lair? You think you might be feeling faint.
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Chapter 2
Summary:
Shit gets /SRS and Nordic Bunny and Reader are both sad lonely things
Notes:
Potential Content Warnings - implied abusive/unhealthy past relationship, implied depression
Sorry if my chapters are a bit short but hope you enjoy! <3 Next update should be within 2 weeks
Chapter Text
Regaining your composure after a moment of awkward silence and staring, you set your mind to what it was you were going to talk about. ‘Human stuff’ was the topic that your boss had suggested, but there were so many things to human life, especially in the 20-odd-something years of your existence before your second life began here. You picked at your nails. Your heart still beat out of your chest and it was hard to ignore the clammy, warm feeling of your palms, but the discomfort was less than the sheer joy of the situation, a smile unable to leave you as you considered what to talk about. Did he not have anything else planned today?
“So, are there any specific things you want to know about my life on Earth? You know, I can’t particularly say that I like talking about my life there, I mean, it’s because I didn’t like it there that I came here, to be with you. But, I understand if you’re curious. I guess it was pretty different from life up here.” You tried to look him in the eye while you spoke, still picking incessantly at your nails and fidgeting around with your hands. Unusual considering his typical energetic and dismissive behavior, he stared blankly back at you while you spoke, listening, relatively calm and… normal. He seemed to be making a point to listen, even.
“Why don’t you like talking about Earth? Did it really suck that much?” He asked, tilting his head and furrowing his brows.
“...Well, I mean, I wouldn’t say it sucked, but my last few years there weren’t really that nice. I tried to go to college, I tried to make friends but I wasn’t very good at it. I had a… a bad relationship that didn’t end very well too. I don’t miss that person, but it just makes me feel bad to think about it. I mean, that was like, a year ago by now though… I guess I really haven’t talked all that much about my life before being here, huh? You just kinda accepted that I wanted to be here and went with it. Which I appreciate.”
Nordic looked almost sad to listen to the contents of your speech, blinking awkwardly. He seemed perplexed, like he hadn’t really considered that you had a whole life, a whole history before your employment here. You had just begun your friendship operation, and now he was having to think about your past and whether or not he had considered it at all. You thought he might not be sure how to even respond to that. Expressing or talking about things like that obviously wasn’t really his forte. But this friendship operation was what he wanted, and now he would have to engage with it. You didn’t mind at all if he was a little awkward with it. Actually, it was a bit endearing. You wondered if maybe he could talk about things too, or if he would be willing to. You were certainly willing to open up to him, even if it was uncomfortable. Even if he acted like it wasn’t so, you could tell he had a capacity for empathy and connection - you just had to trick him into expressing these things. “...Well, yes, it was really strange that you wanted to be here, human, but you pledged your denial of Earth and allegiance to my legion so confidently, there was no reason to deny you, even if it was kinda weird. I’m, um… sorry if I didn’t pay attention to much else. I’m very busy, and such things just don’t occur to me. As for your last years on Earth, ahm.. Sorry they didn’t go well. You’re not like other humans, so, ‘makes sense that you didn’t fit in there. Do not worry, minion, your strengths are far more appreciated here!” He gave a flashy smile at the last bit and swung a fist encouragingly. This was his way of being supportive. Weirdly, his words were immensely comforting, and an even bigger smile crept up onto your face, eyes sparkling with joy. You sighed.
“T-Thanks, sir. I know I’m appreciated. I do try my best. A-And don’t worry about it. You’re right, it’s none of your concern. You have much bigger tasks at hand, like conquering Earth, obviously. It’s nice to know you think I really have a place here.”
Nordic Bunny frowned not in distaste but with mild embarrassment, stiffening. His pupils tightened. “W-Well, don’t get cocky. Of course you have a place here. Not too much of an important one, though. That’s me.”
“Yes, I know sir.” You sighed out of your nose and nodded, still smiling softly. “Sorry, you don’t have to listen to any of my sad human stuff if you don’t wanna. I know you suggested it, but I promise, it’s not that interesting. Why don’t we talk about something cool?”
“But isn’t that part of the whole friendship deal? Talking about ourselves? I know a few things, minion, and there’s nothing that’s too much for Nordic Bunny, so lay it on me! That’s the whole point, right?”
Your eyes widened. Why was he being so genuine? Was all that it took a silly little ‘operation’?
“Oh. Um. Yeah, I guess we do want to strengthen our friendship. That’s, um, very important if we want this to be a success. So I guess I can keep talking about it. I just don’t really know what specifically to talk about. By the way, Nordic, you’re sort of good at this friendship thing already. I told you about something that was upsetting to me, and you offered words of encouragement! Maybe your capacity for friendship was hiding in there all along.” You gave a cheeky smile and tilted your head playfully, hoping he wouldn’t notice or care that you used his name instead of saying ‘sir’. After all, you were supposed to be acting like friends right now, and friends called each other by their name.
He pretended to be disgusted, but averted his eyes sheepishly. “Oh, shut up. I’m good at everything. Who ever said I wasn’t good at friendship?” He said, looking back at the last sentence.
You squinted your eyes in scrutiny. “Well, isn’t the whole point of this operation to strengthen your friendship skills? You yourself said you were lacking in the department, after all. By no fault of your own, sir - I mean, being a Nightmare to Humanity and stuff is bound to get a little lonely.” You gestured to the empty lair surrounding the two of you, hovering Earth hologram glowing in the distance. You weren’t going to pretend like he had daily company or anything, besides you and the little purple guys he had a tendency to blast out of existence. “But that’s okay.”
“Hey, let’s not throw around words like ‘lonely’, okay? It makes me sound pathetic. Let’s keep focused on the task, we’re getting distracted!” He dodged all accusations, obviously unable to decide whether he was great at friendship or severely lacking its mastery, or maybe somehow both at the same time. Maybe he was innately likeable but never really had the opportunity to show it. Although endearing and in your opinion irresistible, you were briefly reminded that he was also somewhat dysfunctional. But that’s okay; you were too. You were alike in more ways than one.
“Right, right. Sorry. Back to me. Ask me a question and let’s continue our conversation.”
He flashed you an annoyed look before rolling his eyes and placing his fingers together. He took a moment to fabricate a question. “You seem to be doing fine with it now, so how come you had trouble with friendship on Earth? Maybe I should be questioning your credibility.”
“Well.. being friends with you is different than being friends with humans. Somehow I find you a bit more tolerable. I don’t get as shaky and awkward. It’s just a different dynamic. I… I was a little shy, and I couldn’t find a lot of people that I felt like I connected with, and also people are mean, especially if they think you’re weird. I mean, I had friends, I know what it’s like and everything, but it wasn’t easy for me.”
“Are you weird to them?” He didn’t seem to understand.
“I… guess according to other people. Not that much, but, y’know, some people just have a hard time fitting in. Don’t get me wrong, there were some people who were nice to me. But despite that, I still faced a lot of loneliness. Lacked purpose. Here I don’t feel that. Do.. do you think I’m weird, sir?”
“I mean, yeah, ‘cause you’re a human, but not any weirder than the other ones.” He waved a hand and scowled, then lost his scowl to look back at you with a sort of pity. “Don’t sweat it, minion. Obviously you’re better than them, or I wouldn’t keep you here! Now you have the awesomest friend you ask for anyway, right?!” He seemed eager to assure you that there was nothing wrong with you, somehow teetering between acting like you were beneath him but also genuinely wanting to show you he cared for you. You genuinely thought you might be feeling your heart swelling in your chest - it ached with pressure, and you tensed your fidgeting hands. Smiling away your tenseness, you considered his last point- he was correct. You became suddenly hyper-aware of your surroundings, your body suspended far from Earth, in space, in this strange lair, the only human within miles, talking to your lovable evil boss with a guitar for a head who was also now apparently your best friend.
“Yeah, you’re right. I’m very lucky for that.” You loosened a bit, and realized you were being neurotic. You didn’t want him to think that this was all there was to friendship. “...Man, sorry I made our first friend conversation kinda sad. But I have an idea - do you wanna talk about our interests? That’s a good friend thing to do!” You repositioned yourself on the metal couch, retaining your comfort, and ever so slightly scooted closer to him, looking up at him with a smile.
“Sure.” He shrugged. “Well, go on.”
“Hmm, well…” You took a deep breath and rerouted your thoughts. His presence was a bit distracting. Did the glowing abyss that his neck went into hum slightly…? It sounded almost like the ever so quiet whirring of an electrical device left on, maybe even the quiet hum of an amp or something. Staring at it for a second, its glow reflecting off your eyes, your gaze trailed up to his face- he was staring back at you expectantly, expression neutral and then changing to slight judgement at your staring. You liked his expressive red eyes and how almost every expression he made was adorable, even when it was one of disgust or judgement. Your interests…? Nordic Bunny… being friends and hanging out with Nordic Bunny… nope, find another interest, you’re zoning out, dumbass!
“What?!” He shot at you, leaning away from you slightly. You jumped and broke your staring, opening your mouth to find an excuse but stalling. “Why are you looking at me like that?!”
“Sorry! I was- I was just trying to think of my interests!” You regained your focus and coughed, face hot. “Interests…! On… On Earth, I liked playing video games.” There you go. A valid interest.
“Aren’t those for kids?”
“...No, not at all! There are some video games that kids really shouldn’t play, actually.”
“Why? I stole some a while ago and they all looked boring.”
“You’ve stolen video games, sir? Wait, do you steal human stuff? How?!” This was news to you.
“Of course. It would be a waste if I didn’t get my hands on some stuff every time I went down there. Like, last time I made my crabs grab things and bring them back on the ship. I guess I can admit they have some cool stuff, so I like taking it and looking at it. Some of it’s trash, though. Like that thing I gave you. It’s so tiny.”
“My 2DS?” You cocked your head. Come to think of it, he had given you a few human items, somehow. You guessed it made sense that he stole things from Earth when he was down there. A DS, a hairbrush, some human toiletry products like shampoo, some slippers, some ugly but comfortable human pajamas.
“Yeah, that thing. It was way too small!”
“Well, they’re human sized, Nordic. I can play on it just fine.” The DS had only come with one cartridge in it, and it was Animal Crossing - Wild World.
“What do you even play on it?”
“It has a game in it called Animal Crossing, and it’s about being the mayor of a little town filled with talking animals who all want to be your friend. You develop your town and make it better for your townspeople. Probably a little bit tame and silly for you.”
“Obviously. I would be great at it, though. I’m good at stuff like that. Making improvements and being a leader and all.” He gleaned proudly.
“...Yeah, actually, you are good at that stuff! We can play together sometime, if you want!” Your eyes sparkled with joy and fascination. You thought he would find the concept ridiculous. Your upper body jumped up and down slightly with joy in your seat as you sat up straight up and gazed with wonder at him. Ideas popped into your head one after the other. “Maybe that can be our next friendship bonding activity! You said you have some video games, too, right?”
“I- yeah, but I threw them to the side cause they looked lame.”
“Well, maybe we can take a look at them together and see if any of them are worth playing. I would love to do that. I haven’t played a video game with anyone in ages, I miss it.”
“...Y-Yeah, I guess.” Nordic Bunny seemed to flush and his hands stiffened at the prospect. He looked both intrigued and puzzled at your sudden excitement.
“Do you even have a TV or anything to hook up games to? Or a console?”
“Console?”
“A video game console. Like a Playstation or something.”
“No, I don’t have one of those. I’m not some sort of expert in human pastimes. Do you need one?”
“To play games, yeah. I mean, I already have my DS, so that’s something. You would want to do that, right?” You furrowed your brows hopefully. “I mean, I think it would be a really good… friendship strengthening exercise. It would totally strengthen our chances at enemy retaliation. We don’t have to do it right now, though. Let’s just keep hanging out.”
“I- At some point, I suppose- yes. That would probably be a good.. Exercise. You’ll have to play it while I watch, though.” Nordic’s eyes were wide and he rubbed his arm awkwardly. Probably nobody had ever asked him to play a video game with them, let alone be excited to do something with him. At least not for quite a while. His minions didn’t all hate him, but they definitely didn’t really want to hang out with him. If he would only be as nice to them as he was to you (nice was sort of a strong word - he had only really started being ‘nice’ to you today, but he was somewhat more… cautious of you than his other minions) then maybe they would see that he was actually pretty tolerable. More than tolerable. He was essentially just a big neurotic dork that pretended to be evil.
You liked seeing him have his typical iron-fisted facade dismantled. He was capable of being genuine, and actually talking to someone instead of just barking orders and shooting childish insults. Not that you minded that side of him - the eccentric flair and arrogance were included in the package. You had to appreciate everything to properly adore Nordic Bunny, even the annoying parts.
“Of course. I can play, and you can watch. I can show you around my town. It’s pretty good, if I do say so myself. Anyway…” You trailed off, messing with your hands again. He seemed uneasy, and still slightly confused about what this video game entailed. A moment of silence passed between you, and your mind folded and tossed around. You stared at his hat in thought. “...Sir, friendship is two-sided. So is conversation. Since you got to ask me things, I should ask you things. And you have to respond genuinely. That’s how you get to know each other and be friends.”
Nordic Bunny looked even more uneasy and straightened up, his body language showing confidence but his expression showing otherwise. He was gripping tightly to his wrist, other hand fisted. “...I suppose if we must, then I can answer your questions, minion. I guess you would be correct.” He said begrudgingly. “But no overstepping! I don’t have to answer if I don’t want to!”
“Of course not! But if you do answer, be genuine, okay? Friends have to be genuine with each other.”
“Fine. Go on, then.” He seemed to flush, even more nervous than before.
You took a breath. “Forgive me if this is sort of unprofessional, but did you really just want to initiate this so-called ‘friendship operation’ to gain an advantage over opposing forces… A.K.A. Shred Force? Or… did you… maybe just want to have a friend? Have me as your friend?” You knew it was a bold question, but you really craved transparency. Now that you were doing this, sitting with him and talking to him, it was becoming apparent how much you utterly enjoyed it. You didn’t want it to end after just one day. You didn’t want it to just be an ‘operation’, though if that was truly the only thing it was to him, you were still willing to play as long as he let it go on.
Nordic Bunny’s expression twisted into something like perplexity or shock, one side of his mouth lifted and his pupils restricted into small black dots. He seemed almost offended, and didn’t respond for a moment.
He shook his head. “Why are you asking me that? Is that what you think of me? Tricking you into being friends because I’m that pathetic?”
You seemed to have struck a nerve. Your face flushed with guilt and you shook your hands, making quick work to correct him. “No! No, no, not at all! I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. I don’t think that of you. M-Maybe I was just… hoping the answer would be yes, is all.”
“Huh?”
“I was just maybe hoping that the answer would be yes. As in that you’d actually wanna be friends, sir. Could you tell the truth? If that’s not the case, then, no worries. We’ll just continue the operation like normal.”
He looked at you for a moment, not sure what to say. The room seemed a bit more uncomfortably quiet than previously. You wondered why you had to go ruining the moment. You were having a fun time hanging out. Why did you have to be like that?
Nordic sighed, looking at you with defeat. “That would be pretty embarrassing, wouldn’t it?”
“What? Wanting to be friends?”
“Having to pretend to be concerned about… one-upping our adversaries in order to be friends with you.”
“I don’t think that’s embarrassing. I mean, there’s some truth in it. Being friends- having a friend can really actually strengthen our efforts. It raises spirits, offers support. So actually, this is probably genuinely beneficial. But I ask again, did you actually wanna maybe be friends with me too?” You slouched, looking up at him nervously.
“I just didn’t think you would otherwise.” He looked like a puppy that had been caught breaking into the snack cabinet - defeated, revealed.
“Would, what? That I would want to be friends?”
“Are you really gonna make me say it? Jeez! This is demoralizing! Was it that obvious!?” He held out his hands, fingers curled in exasperation. It was interesting how quickly his ego dropped. Wow, he really was being genuine. Just like you asked. You guessed it didn’t take much after all.
“No, sorry, sir! Ah, shit, I’m sorry. No, it’s not that it was obvious, it’s just… I dunno, I could kinda tell, just a little bit. But what would make you think I wouldn’t want to be friends? Sir, I think you’re like, so cool. I tell you all the time. I’m not just kissing ass, I really mean it. Shit, I suggested this in the first place, you just hinted at it first! We can drop this whole thing and just be normal friends. If you would want. Cause I would want that. Or you can just tell me to shut up and stop being weird. But… But if you want…”
“Really?” He seemed genuinely confused why you would want such a thing.
“Yeah, really. I like you, sir.”
Nordic’s expression softened, black pupils growing larger. He slouched. “Well, I mean, I know that. That’s why you’re up here and not on Earth.”
“Yeah, but I mean, I don’t just like you in the way that I want to be part of your legion. I like you in the way that I would like to be friends with you for real. I think you’re funny and cool and I think it would be fun to hang out with you.”
He glanced self-consciously towards the doors of the lair as if to make sure nobody was going to come in or overhear, then glanced back at you with a worried expression. “I can’t have any of my minions knowing. It would be embarrassing and they’d probably be secretly jealous. I’m sorry human, but I think it would be harmful to my reputation.”
“Why would it be harmful to your reputation that you’re friends with me…?”
“Cause I’m Ruler of the Galaxy and Nightmare to Humanity! I can’t just have one human friend who I also tricked into being my friend! It’s just embarrassing, I dunno!”
“So you do want to actually be friends…?” You smiled hopefully, eyes shining.
“Yes, okay? I wanted to.. hang out and stuff, it’s not like I really get to do that. Evil emperors have needs too. There, you got me.” His voice was laced with pure cynicism and sourness, level and irritated. This poor, pathetic creature. You had to show him it was okay.
“There’s totally nothing wrong with that. I’m- I’m really glad, actually. I want to be friends too. There, it’s mutual! So you don’t have to be embarrassed! Thank you for being honest with me, sir.” You leaned forward and smiled, almost wanting to reach for his hands but refraining. His neck seemed to crane backwards slightly, nervous at your closeness.
“O-Okay. Fine. But there’s still the other problem.”
“Nobody has to know, sir. Here, how’s this: on the outside we keep this as a purely professional friendship operation. For previously stated reasons. But, just between you and me, sir, we can actually just be normal friends. How’s that sound?” You leaned away again to give him some space.
“... You actually want to do that?” He looked puzzled. No matter how many times you told him you wanted to be his friend, he still seemed like he couldn’t process it.
“Yeah! Please! I really, really do. I wanna hang out with you and show you my animal crossing world and stuff. I like hanging out with you, sir. I already knew that, that I liked being around you, anyway- I figured that out a while ago- but now that we’ve actually really sat together and talked, I wanna keep doing it. And I know you do too.”
“F-Fine then, yes. If you really feel that way, human. We can… w-we can continue our operation.” He smiled nervously and gave you a theatrical, exaggerated wink, tilting his head and giving you a thumbs up.
“Sounds good to me. Thank you, sir.” You smiled warmly, winking back. You thought his hands might be trembling slightly.
“You don’t think I’m weird, right? Or sad? You think I’m ‘cool’?”
“No, Nordic, not either of those. And yes, I think you’re cool and I’m super excited to be friends.”
“Can you still do the stuff I need you to do like make reports? Minion stuff?”
“Yes, of course. It’ll all still be the same, but just with our ‘operation’ added on, okay?”
“Yeah. Very well. I-I’m… glad you wanna… be friends.”
“Me too.” You repositioned yourself to have your legs crossed, shoulders slumped and hands clasped together in your lap, arms stiff. “Hey, I’m sorry if I kinda overstepped. I didn’t mean to make it seem like I was being judgemental or like I was trying to expose you. We all good?”
“As long as you keep this between us. Thanks for… wanting to be friends with me I guess.” He acted like it was painful to get the last few words out, sort of loudly, quickly mumbling them. He kept his stiff, defensive posture but glanced at you warmly a few times. “It feels nice knowing you actually want to.”
“I’m glad.” You scratched your arm and stared at him for a moment, listening again to faint buzzing. He looked slightly frazzled, having cycled through pretty much the entire range of facial expressions in under ten minutes. You noticed now that his tail flicked nervously behind him, not really noticeably enough to make noise or anything.
“Ahem. Should we still continue our hang-out?” He asked awkwardly.
“...Yeah.” You sighed. You couldn’t believe that actually worked. You wanted to keep talking about how much you liked him and how much you wanted to be friends and do all sorts of things, but you refrained. It would be best to take things slowly. You didn’t want to scare him away with affection… even though he would probably accept it after some kind of performance denying that he wanted anything to do with it. You wondered what it would be like to try to hug him, or what would happen if you grabbed his hand. Technically those things would be within the realm of acceptable gestures of friendship. You didn’t think you had actually ever touched him before. It just wasn’t really necessary. The guy was probably severely touch-starved. Oh, all the things you would like to do - poke at his crown, try to stick your hand into the glowing abyss (which probably wouldn’t end well), pluck his strings? If there were anything that could possibly inspire him to shoot you with his ray, that might be it. A simple hug would be nice. He was so much taller than you that you would probably have to sort of climb into his lap and stay on your knees. You wondered if he was cold like metal or warm like an appliance toasty with electrical currents. Maybe both.
“Actually, don’t you need to go eat lunch or something?”
“Oh, is it that time already?” You checked your watch and realized that it was 11. You were a little hungry, actually, and a little bit drained. But truthfully, you weren’t really ready to end your hangout. You didn’t really feel like a full meal, anyway. “...Well, how’s this? Do you have anything else you need to do today?”
“...Not until construction is nearly complete, no.”
“Then how about I go get a small snack and then come back, and we keep hanging out? I can bring my DS! Do you have a TV? Do you even watch TV? We can watch something! How’s that sound? I’m so excited!” You slid off the couch excitedly, brushing the wrinkles out of your grey uniform. He seemed a little jumpy, and stared widely back, gripping the sides of the couch.
“Ah-... Yes! Good plan, minion…! Take your time. You should be properly fueled for our continued efforts.”
“I’m just gonna grab a smoothie, I’m not that hungry. I’ll be right back, okay sir?” You smiled at him with excitement and bright eyes. He swiveled around so that he was no longer sideways on the metal couch, but still gripped at the sides of the seat for security. He gave you a forced assuring smile.
“Be quick, then, minion! Go on!”
“Okay!” You nodded and flashed the ‘rock-on’ symbol briefly before beginning to jog towards the exit, turning your back to him. The doors opened automatically at your approach and you ran through, beginning your route back to your dorm in which you kept a mini-fridge full of mildly questionable human-friendly meals and snacks. Your heart slammed in your chest in excitement. You finally get to be friends with Nordic Bunny, and you get him all to yourself. It’s too good to be true.
As soon as the doors shut and he was left alone, Nordic sighed and cringed as he furrowed his brows, swinging his legs back up onto the metal couch and dragging his hands down his face in agony. Not only did he essentially reveal to the human how much of a lonely loser he was, but now he was going to have to really figure out how to stay cool in front of you and not be too weird. He didn’t know shit about actually being friends with a person. He just hoped that you wouldn’t find that you didn’t like it anymore after some time, maybe get tired of him and leave his headquarters to fly back to Earth for better, more normal friends. But you said you didn’t like humans. You said you liked him better. You said it feels more natural to hang out with him. How is that possible? He’d been attempting to conquer the Earth for however long and no human or other species had ever felt that way, not that he'd let them get close enough for that to happen anyways. What made you different? What made you like him so much? After staring off into space and thinking for a moment, Nordic Bunny groaned in agony and buried his face in his hands again, planning on just sitting there pathetically until you returned. He couldn’t believe he blew his cover so quickly. Maybe you were some sort of apology sent from the rock gods. Whatever he did, he had to make sure he didn’t fuck this up.