Chapter Text
How tired we feel, my heart and I !
We seem of no use in the world ;
Our fancies hang grey and uncurled
About men's eyes indifferently ;
Our voice which thrilled you so, will let
You sleep; our tears are only wet :
What do we here, my heart and I ?
My Heart and I by Elizabeth Barrett Browning
Days, weeks, months passed by. At least that’s what it felt like to Sanji. In reality, it wasn’t more than a few days and nights spent in misery. He didn’t get up for the Holy Evening and spent Christmas in his bed, weighted down by a hollow ache in his chest. His mood was a stark contrast to the festive spirit. He could hear the jolly melody of carols carried from door to door, the loud ring of the church’s bell and the delighted chatter that drifted up to his room from downstairs.
All Sanji did was turn around, facing the wall, his back to the joyful world and his piling problems. He slept, he wallowed, mostly he drifted in a state in between. There was no excitement in a time he would normally cherish. Sanji was no Scrooge1. The opposite, he had always loved to celebrate on holidays, at least once he escaped his childhood home.
This year was different. The last months had been different. A whirlwind in Sanji’s already chaotic life.
Knocks on his door were ignored, and he barely got up to eat, let alone clean himself. No, he much rather felt miserable, pitying his own circumstances. Without Zeff here, there wasn’t much reason to keep up a false pretence. Sanji was alone and could allow himself these days of suffering. It was a relief to let his emotions go for once, not needing to pretend for anyone.
Still, he knew it wouldn’t be good to keep this up for long. Losing himself in despair was easy, but it would be dangerous as well. Zeff had called him sensitive many times and roughly told him to pull himself together equally as much. It was tough love, but what Sanji needed to hear. He needed that push to pick himself up and go on with his life. Not that it would fix any of his problems, those were just locked away at the back of his mind.
Sanji had resigned himself to spending the remaining time in bed and pulling his life together once Zeff was back from Baratie. He wasn’t sure what to tell the old geezer yet. Knowing the old man, it would only cause more trouble. They could both be self-sacrificing bastards and stubborn to a fault.
It was also not like Sanji knew what to do about any of this mess at all. His siblings’ betrayal hit deep, and he desperately wanted to never see them again. Forget the past months and pretend they never happened. No, not only the past months, the entire year. Why couldn’t he go back to a time when his biggest issue was finding a new job? What if he had taken another cooking job at some mediocre tavern instead of travelling to Evergreen Hall?
His emotions were twisted. He wanted to rid himself of all the pain, but losing his feelings for Zoro felt like a betrayal of his core being. He wanted to know the lord, including all those feelings that came with it. Imagining a life without this love filling his heart felt hollow.
Maybe he even liked the hurt, always used to it, a familiar bruise covering his fair skin, the pain making him feel at home. Wasn’t there something uniquely romantic about one-sided pining, clinging to a lost love and living with a broken heart, but loyal with every breath? Sanji had always been a romantic, yearning after a love worthy of a novel. Not all stories had a happy ending.
Thoughts heavy, he dozed off in the dark of his room. Curtains drawn close, to keep the light from forcing him to see.
Heavy knocks ripped through the silence, setting his heart into a frenzy, startling him out of his deep musing. He had been left alone, mostly and the landlady wasn’t in the habit of beating against the door with this much strength.
He had all the intentions of ignoring it and pretending that he had never been interrupted in the first place. Whoever was on the other side of the door didn’t seem to give up that easily. After moments of silence, they continued to bash their hands against the door. Sanji felt irritated at the insistence and at being denied his wallowing.
Slowly, he rose from his pillow, staring at the door that kept his visitors hidden. Someone was still on the other side, waiting. Another string of knocks were vibrating through the door. If it continued like this, the other patrons would surely get alarmed or complain about the noise. Sanji didn’t like the thought of inconveniencing them, but neither did he feel inclined to open the damned door.
“Open up, Sanji!”
That was unmistakably his sister's voice. Certainly, one of the people he wanted to see the least at the moment. He didn’t feel ready for a confrontation, especially because it could lead to making a decision and he wasn’t in the right headspace to make one.
“Come on, brother!” Niji sounded much less patient and while only a few days ago he would have felt hopeful at being called in such a familiar way, now it only stung.
“Sanji, we know you are in there.” It seemed like all of them were here.
“I told them to give you more time, but they insisted.” Even Yonji.
For heaven’s sake, they could have at least had the decency to give him some more time to stew over the newest revelation, while also nursing his broken heart. In their defence, not that he was inclined to consider it, they were not aware that Sanji had found out about their scheming. No, out of everyone, it had been Zoro who told him and thankfully, Pudding had been kind enough to speak truthfully to him. Selfishly, he tended to forget that he wasn’t the only one trapped in all of this.
The next string of knocking had him huff in frustration, trying to calm the rising anger bubbling inside of him. Anger had always been easier than sadness.
He ripped the door open, pinning each of his siblings with a hard glare, wanting to make sure they knew that he was not at all pleased to see them. His siblings fell quiet at his abrupt appearance. Likely also left speechless due to his frazzled look. He was likely in no state to be seen. Only that he couldn’t care less. They already thought, however lowly they wanted of him, there was no use in trying.
Deciding that it would be better to invite them in, instead of keeping the looming conversation out here, open for curious eyes and ears, Sanji pushed the door open. “Get in.” It sounds much less like the demand he was aiming for and more like the resignation he is currently feeling.
They didn't speak until the door fell shut. The others seemed to share his sentiment of preferring some privacy. It would already have been curious enough to have four known members of the upper ton visit a quaint establishment like this.
The room was still dark and now he noticed the stale air wrapped around them. Not wanting to come to a stop either, he headed for the window. It was bright outside, the sparkling white of the snow blinding once he opened the curtains. The fresh air was an instant relief, filling the room through the crack he had propped the window open. Sadly, that was about everything he could do before having to face his siblings.
Sanji didn’t offer them to sit, showing clearly how displeased he was with being ambushed by all of his siblings, nonetheless. One of them would have been more than enough. And despite having come to Sanji and disturbing him, they all stood around with an air of awareness mixed with hesitance. Not that he wanted to address anything either, but now they were already gathered here, he had even interrupted his scheduled wallowing for them.
Refusing to be the first one to speak or generally be any more cooperative, he looked at them expectantly. Fixing one after the other with an unwavering gaze, trying to read their intentions.
“Have you been locked away here for the past days?” Niji frowned at their surroundings, clearly displeased with not only his brother’s appearance, but his living conditions too. A man like him, raised in endless luxury, would always frown at what he considered to be beneath him. Sanji couldn’t care less about the judgment.
“If so?” He challenged, seeing his brother's face darken, satisfaction coiling in his gut at being able to get under his skin.
Reiju placed one of her hands on their brother's shoulder, clearly holding him back from snapping back at Sanji. “We have been worried for you Sanji.”
Were they now? Or was it that they worried about their deal with the Charlotte family?
“I don’t need your worry.” It was harsher than he intended, not how he had ever found himself speaking to a woman before.
“You just left.” Niji jumped in immediately, clearly offended on his sister's behalf, “May I remind you, after causing a scene and pissing off some important people. All that and you couldn’t even stay for a little while longer.”
“We would have at least appreciated knowing you were heading out.” Ichiji reasoned, much calmer than the other man.
“You were doing better when I last saw you?” It probably was Yonji that hurt the most out of all of them, surprisingly not even his sister, with whom he used to be much closer. Sanji had been a fool, feeling like there was some kind of camaraderie between them. Who knew if anything the younger told him had even been true. He felt slightly nauseous at that thought. He couldn’t look at the younger, ignoring what he said.
“You can hardly blame me.”
“Is that so?” Reiju challenged. “You don’t tell us anything, Sanji.”
“I understand this is a private matter, but it would be beneficial for the whole family to know. Specifically, to avoid something like this from happening again.” Would he have told them? Had they not betrayed him, Sanji might have revealed some of it, but now he was much less inclined to share this vulnerability. It was already bad enough that one of them knew. At least, Yonji hadn’t let it slip to anyone else.
“This secrecy is entirely ridiculous.”
That’s what did it. The barley held restraint snapped, leaving Sanji with an unbridled rage. A disbelieving laugh slipped past his lips, full of mockery. How dare they?
“You are in no position to pass any judgment.” His words were spoken with venom, hastily pushed out through his clenched teeth.
The look of confusion passed over their faces and Niji’s frown darkened, matching his brother's hostile attitude. He was the quickest to anger and for some sick reason, Sanji welcomed a confrontation, all too pleased to escalate this into a full-blown argument.
“Brother, what do you mean?” The oldest, on the other hand, had a penchant for staying collected.
“What I mean?” sneered Sanji. “I don’t need you acting holier than thou, as if I am the only one with secrets.”
“Oh really, and what pray tell are we keeping from you, brother?” The mocking way Niji spat the word was directly fuelling the storm raging in his veins.
“You know exactly what.” Still, it was he who would have to say it. “I have been informed of the dealings between the Vinsmokes and Charlottes. You can imagine how surprised I was to find out that it requires a marriage.”
They didn’t speak. No denial, no visible shock at him finding out about it. Nor was there any confusion that could have given Sanji the hope that they hadn’t betrayed him. “Even more of a surprise was finding out said marriage was to be between Charlotte Pudding and yours truly.”
“What are you-”
Yonji was cut off by their sister, her jaw set with defiance. “Who has to be wed was never a set requirement.”
“Then tell me,” At this point he was begging, holding on to his last hope. “Tell me that you didn’t search for me, just for that reason. Solely so it could be me to marry into the Charlotte family.”
The tight pinch of her lips was all the answer he needed. “You can’t.” After all these years, Sanji should have learned that it was of no use for him to hope. It didn’t matter that there was guilt in Ichiji's gaze, or the usual defiant acceptance his sister had carried all her life.
“Tch-” Nii didn’t seem to care, not about the initial lie or it being revealed. “You should be grateful. You get the inheritance. We are the only reason that old geezer of yours is still alive. You never could have dreamed of finding a mate equal to her standing. Truly, you should be thanking us.”
“Niji-”
Sanji was going to kill him.
“Out.”
His voice was deathly calm, barely concealed rage swimming in his eyes. He felt the familiar sting of tears. Not now, he wouldn’t cry in front of them. Bloody hell. Why did he have to be this pathetic? He had always been quick to tears whenever his emotions boiled over.
Reiju’s hand hesitantly raised towards him, lips opening. He didn’t allow her to speak. “Out!”
He would hear none of it. No excuses, no more mockery.
They still wouldn’t move. Why couldn’t they listen? He needed them out now. The further the better. Fuelled by anger and desperation he stormed past them to yank open the door.
“Out.”
“I don’t wish to see you again.”
“Leave!”
“OUT.” His shout echoed through the small room and out into the hall.
It finally seemed to be enough to set them into motion. Slowly, led by his sister, they passed him, different expressions on each face. Reiju had hidden behind a stoic countenance, stalking past him without sparing him another glance, Ichiji following close by. Niji looked ready to argue, but it seemed to be enough to make his distaste known with a nasty glare.
Last was Yonji. Hesitant. Unsure.
It nearly had Sanji crack. There was a lost look in his eyes, one that reminded him of another green haired man. One he didn’t want to think about. Mustering all his hurt, he fixed his younger brother with an icy stare. It had Yonji leave, door thrown close right behind him.
Sanji was alone again, listening to their retreating footsteps, the creaking of the wood under the booths and his own ragged breath. His room had grown cold, frigid air streaming in through the open window. The tears streaking down his face turn icy.
What had he done?
⊹₊ ˚‧‿︵༺❤༻︵‿‧ ˚₊⊹
The mortification wouldn’t leave him over the days that followed, clawing at his chest and crushing his lungs. It had felt like the right thing at the time. He hadn’t even given himself much time to think about it, led by his intense emotions. Sanji had wanted nothing more than to have his siblings gone. Anger and hurt too much to suppress.
It wouldn't have mattered, had it only been him. That certainly wasn’t the case. He had Zeff to think about. The old man who had given him so much and now, when it was time to repay him in kind, Sanji had felt. He was selfish, undeserving of the kindness that had been offered to him.
Money never meant much to Sanji as long as he had enough to survive. He didn’t need luxury; he was content with what they had. Happier as a poor fool than his family’s fortune had ever made him feel. This was different. He needed the money for the old geezer. Niji had been right. No matter what secrets and lies they had kept from him, in the end, he should have been grateful for what he was offered. An opportunity to save Zeff and not lose the one person he still had left.
Unsurprisingly, Sanji had gone and fucked that all up.
Those were bleak thoughts to spend New Year with. The old man was still gone for the holidays and Sanji should have attended some pompous celebration with his siblings. He didn’t go, of course. He doubted they had expected him anyway, after he had thrown them out mere days before.
So he was left alone in his room, enveloped by darkness, hearing the clock tick closer to midnight. The loud ringing of the bells and brusque cheers from the tavern welcomed the New Year. For Sanji, time went on like nothing had happened at all. Just another night, as all the ones before.
The change only came a few days later in the form of a letter that was slipped under his door. It was inconspicuous, but Sanji hadn’t been expecting any mail. The opposite, actually, he had been considering himself to write to certain people. He wasn’t sure if either of them would appreciate it. Not to forget that he didn’t know where he would send Zoro’s letter.
With everything that had happened, Sanji had forgotten about the request he had sent to Doctor Kureha before the holidays. Not that he had been too certain to receive a reply in the first place. It made the letter the more surprising, while its contents were the first glimmer of hope he had gotten in a while.
While a very curt reply, Doctor Kureha did invite them to her home, promising to take a look at his father’s condition. If anyone could help Zeff, it would be her, Sanji was certain. He couldn’t celebrate just yet, but he was thrilled to have this one silver lining to cling to.
Elated by the news, he had eagerly waited for the day the old geezer would return to the city. Knowing Zeff would be a stubborn old man and walk all the way to their accommodations with his luggage once he arrived with the post carriage, Sanji decided to meet him there. Being equally bull-headed, he would at least insist on carrying the man’s bags.
He could also use the walk to catch the old man up on recent developments. Mainly regarding their appointment with Doctor Kureha, he was not keen on sharing anything that happened at the dance or with his siblings. Zeff would have a lot to say about both and Sanji knew that he wasn’t entirely ready to hear all of it. Not to forget the shame sitting deep in his guts, making his throat dry and weighing down his tongue, preventing Sanji from revealing the humiliating truth of his own failure. Because one thing was certain, he had failed more people than he would like to admit as of late.
At least Sanji had always been skilled in locking all his worries in the furthest corner of his mind, wholly focusing on the sparse positivity in his life. There was no need to have his heartache show, let alone worry Zeff with it.
He was freshly shaven, washed and dressed in his usual over-the-top fashion when he left to pick the old geezer up. Winter was still painting the streets white, but the sun was reflecting against the sparkling snow. The air was cold but not biting. It would be the perfect weather for a walk. It felt like a new day, in a new year with new opportunities.
Sanji was even whistling a familiar melody, hands in his coat pockets, strolling down the street. He had left early and didn’t need to hurry now, able to enjoy the warm rays tickling his skin. There was hope blooming in his chest and he dared to dream that things could start to look up.
Undeniably, he had made a promise to Dracule Mihawk regarding staying away from his son, however, one could claim he had only agreed under duress. Not to mention, he was trying to make things right. There was also the fact that he already broke said promise mere seconds after making it, but that was neither here nor there. Really, he was not trying to unnecessarily cause the young lord even more grief, it was the opposite. Sanji couldn’t shake the feeling that not everything had been resolved, especially regarding the supposed marriage. The thought of Zoro believing that Sanji had moved on this quickly didn’t sit right with him.
If after explaining all this, the mosshead still didn’t want anything to do with him, then he would accept it. If he claimed to love Zoro, he also needed to show it with his actions and respect the other man's boundaries.
Newly motivated, he only startled lightly when he recognised Charlotte Pudding accompanied by one of her man sisters, leaving a bakery up ahead. The women were chatting and Sanji even believed they wouldn’t notice him. It was then that Pudding glanced in his direction, immediately halting when she recognised him.
Being seen, he couldn’t ignore the ladies. It would be extremely rude to cut them2. He had already allowed himself enough faux pas as of late. Sanji didn’t need more drama and rumours about him to spread.
“My day is blessed by running into you two beautiful ladies.” He made a show of bowing to the women, specifically greeting Lady Pudding with a kiss to her glove.
“Mr Vinsmoke, what a fortunate coincidence.” The older Charlotte sister seemed to be familiar with him, while he himself couldn’t be sure if they had already been introduced. The family was awfully big, it wasn’t easy to keep track of all of the siblings.
“Fortunate indeed.”
He smiled warmly at them but was under no illusion that the tension was felt between them. The lingering awkwardness. Sanji didn’t know if Pudding had spoken to anyone about their last conversation. It would be her right to, after all, she was tied up in this whole mess as well.
“Mr Vinsmoke…” She was hesitant, clearly something was weighting on her mind she wanted to speak about. A quick glance at the older woman was enough for them to communicate.
“I will be stopping by the Jeweller, dear. Be sure to catch up later.”
Sanji was both relieved to have the privacy and nervous regarding the implications. Not only was he slightly uncomfortable being left alone with the young omega, something quite unseemly, but it didn’t help that there was an assumption regarding their relationship already or at least where it was heading. Still, he wouldn’t burden Lady Pudding with all this.
“Lady Pudding…” He encouraged her to speak, hoping it would speed things up at least.
“I hope you are faring well. Your presence was missed at the New Year’s party.”
“I do apologise for my abrupt… cancellation, there were personal matters I was occupied with.” Personal matters being the pity party he had thrown himself into, staying hidden away in his room like a recluse.
“I understand.” She nodded and Sanji had the feeling that she was giving him a lot more grace than most other people would. “There is something I thought… you might want to know.”
Pudding’s eyes searched his, a glimmer of sadness peeking through her carefully neutral veneer. There was the usual pull to comfort her, but he resisted, knowing it would only cause offense.
“Lord Roronoa-”
His breath caught at the familiar name.
“-he has left the city. Shortly after Christmas. His sister is still in Town, but I do not know where His Grace, the Duke currently resides. He might have left with his son.”
A beat of silence.
Carefully composed he asked. “Why are you telling me this?”
A sigh. Many people would disregard Pudding’s wits due to her young age and shy nature. In truth, however, she wasn’t blind to the going-ons around her. Being her mother’s daughter, she had learned an acute awareness of the different relations around her.
“Mr Vinsmoke- Sanji!” She was calm, resolute. “I easily recognise a love I have always dreamed of.”
“Lady-”
“No, please.” A sweet smile graced her lips. “That love is something to cherish and with all my heart, I wish you the best, Sanji.”
1. Referring to Ebenezer Scrooge from Charles Dickens’ “A Christmas carol”. It means being selfish person who is unwilling to spend or give away money, especially when it comes to celebrating holidays or helping others. Similar to “being a Grinch”. Back
2. To renounce acquaintance. Act like you don’t know/see someone in public. Back