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Scar hadn’t meant to fall in love with Grian.
He’d tried his damn hardest not to. He’d told himself time and time again to stop, to calm down, to take things slow. To wait for those stupid feelings to pass and move on with his life.
But everyday he’d see Grian, and he’d do something that made the other man smile or laugh, and he’d see his eyes light up at Scar’s presence, and Scar would fall just that little bit more. He kept falling, and falling, until he was tumbling down, head over heels, and there was no coming back. All he wanted was Grian - he wanted to feel those hands through his hair, hear that sweet voice whisper beautiful things in his ear, taste those soft, ever so inviting lips on his mouth. He wanted to hang onto Grian and never, ever let go.
But he couldn’t. He couldn’t let himself fall in love with Grian. He couldn’t have him.
He knew that he could never want Grian in the way that Grian would want him, and he knew that wouldn’t be fair.
Unfortunately, that didn’t stop him from falling in love anyway, and it didn’t stop Grian from doing the same. Every day, Grian would go out of his way to sit next to Scar in class, even if it meant climbing over a whole row of other students to get to him. Every day, Grian would greet him with the widest smile and produce a pen from his pocket to hand to Scar (because Scar always forgot, and Grian always remembered that Scar would forget, and now he didn’t even have to ask), and Grian would purposefully brush his fingers against Scar’s, and Scar’s breath would catch in his throat. Every day, once class ended Grian would ask Scar to join him for coffee, or for lunch, or for dinner, or even just for a walk, and it would make Scar’s heart ache so, so fucking much to have to refuse, to see the disappointment in Grian’s gaze.
Grian deserved so much better than him.
“Hey, Scar-”
Scar’s eyes widened, darting to the man beside him, and then over to the front of the lecture hall, watching students around him begin to pack up their stuff and head on out. “Oh, did class end already-?” He bent down, reaching for his bag to stuff his supplies into.
“Scar,” Grian repeated, tapping his finger on the desk in front of him.
Scar looked up, tilting his head with mild curiosity. “Hm?”
“Look, I- I know if I ask you for coffee right now, you’re gonna say that you’re far too busy-”
He could already feel himself growing nauseous at the thought. “Yes, yes, very busy.”
“-but, I was wondering whether you had any plans at all for later tonight?”
Scar blinked, a little thrown off by that. “Uh. N-No, not really?” Grian had never asked him that before.
A smirk spread across Grian’s face, and Scar suddenly regretted everything he’d ever done in his entire life. “Perfect! My housemate, Joel - I, uh, don’t know if you’d know him, he studies Music - it’s his birthday today, he’s throwing a little party for it at ours. And, uh, he’d probably kill me if I didn’t invite at least one other person myself, which unfortunately my options are quite limited there, so- you wanna come?”
“Oh. Um-” Scar hadn’t been to a party like that since his first year, and even those had just been ones his flatmates had hosted, which didn’t really count. He’d never been invited to one. And if he ever had, he didn’t think he would’ve accepted.
He really shouldn’t have accepted. He knew he shouldn’t.
But he looked Grian in the eyes, saw so much hope, so much beauty, and- and he couldn’t say no to that. He’d said no to Grian far, far too many times.
“Yeah, sure!” he replied, giving Grian a smile, despite the anxiety that began to well in his stomach. “Sounds, uh- Sounds fun.”
Grian beamed. “Great! I’ll text you the details, but any time after around seven is probably fine?”
“Alright, cool, yeah. I’ll- I’ll see you there?”
“See you there!”
That was how Scar ended up standing in front of his mirror, running a hand through his hair and desperately trying not to freak out.
It was just a party. He could handle a party, surely. It wasn’t as if Grian had asked him out on a date, was it? Not that- Not that he really thought the countless offers for coffee were dates, exactly, but-
Scar let out a heavy sigh. He and Grian were good friends. Sure, they never really hung out much outside of sitting with each other in class or bumping into each other and having impromptu study sessions in the library, and even outside of that they only really messaged each other once or twice a week, usually for help with an assignment, but… well, asides from his flatmates (who, quite honestly, he wasn’t sure whether he could consider friends or not), Grian was the only person he really interacted with on a regular basis. Yeah, he had plenty of friends back home, but… but here, not so much.
He didn’t want to mess this up. He didn’t know Grian’s housemates, not even the guy whose birthday he was going to, and he doubted he’d know any of their other friends who’d be turning up, and Scar wasn’t exactly the best at meeting new people. Either he’d talk too much and annoy them, or not talk at all and put them off, or just- he’d always end up saying something stupid and throwing away any chance he had.
How on Earth Grian hadn’t already grown tired of him by that point, he’d never know.
Still, he’d agreed to go, and- well, he couldn’t just not show up now, could he? If nothing else, then at least for Grian’s sake - if there truly wasn’t anyone else he could invite, then… then Scar would just have to step up. Grian had already done so much for him by just sitting next to him in class, it was high time he returned the favour.
Even if he had gone through so much effort trying to push the man away. Even if he never should’ve said yes. Even if he should’ve crushed that box the moment it had appeared, rather than stuffing it so deep down within him, festering away in his gut and growing and growing and growing until eventually it would all spill out.
He didn’t have a crush on Grian. He couldn’t have a crush on Grian.
He was pretty sure going to this party would ruin him.
Scar fell back down to his bed, grabbing his phone and calling his best friend from home before he could convince himself not too.
“Hey man, what’s up?” Cub answered almost immediately, and even just hearing his friend's voice was enough to make Scar relax, however minutely.
Until he remembered why he called, and immediately his panic came right back. “I’m freaking out, Cub,” he said, figuring it was best to get right to the point. “Like, really freaking out. I feel like I made a huge mistake. Help.”
“Woah, woah, okay, uh- calm down first of all,” Cub said on the other end, his voice gentle. “Deep breaths. You’re okay, I’m here. Deep breaths.”
Scar sucked in a deep breath, as Cub instructed. Then several more, with Cub gently coaxing him along.
“That’s it, that’s it, you’re doing great,” Cub said, once Scar began to relax again, his heart not hammering so much in his chest. “You wanna tell me what’s going on?”
He breathed in again, slowly exhaling. “I… got invited to a party.”
Silence.
“Cub-”
“Uh.” Cub hummed. “I mean. That kinda sounds like a good thing to me?”
“Cub-”
“What?” Cub chuckled. “Weren’t you complaining to me a few weeks ago about a lack of parties you were being invited to-?”
“That- That’s different, Cub, I-”
“How is that different?”
“You- You know the guy I was telling you about? Who I sit with in class? Grian?”
Silence again for a moment. “The guy you have a massive crush on?”
“I don’t have a crush on him!” Scar argued, though by that point he knew he was only fooling himself.
“Ehh, I mean- Sure sounds like you do, from everything you’ve told me,” Cub said. “Nothing to be ashamed of, either, by the way. He seems like a nice enough guy.”
“I’m- Ugh, I’m not- I’m not ashamed,” Scar spluttered. “I just-” He stopped himself, grappling for the right words and not quite managing to reach them.
“You’re just what?”
Scar groaned. “I don’t know! I…” He sighed. “He’s the one who invited me. That’s why I’m- freaking out, I guess.”
“Again, that… sounds like a good thing?” Cub said, sounding rather confused. “If I were you I’d be jumping for joy right now.”
“You don’t understand, Cub, I- It’s hard enough having to sit next to him every day, how the hell am I supposed to handle a party? At his house?”
“I’m sure you’ll have a wonderful time,” Cub tried to reassure him. “I mean- you like this guy, right? Like, he’s a good friend, or whatever?”
“Well… yeah, but-”
“Then go have fun! Have a couple drinks, maybe meet some new people, or- y’know, at least hang out with your friend. It’s about time that you two do something outside of class.”
“There’s a reason I try not to see him outside of class, Cub-”
“I’m well aware, Scar, and I also know that it’s a stupid reason. I reckon he likes you back, y’know. Maybe this was him trying to make a move?”
Scar’s face turned bright red at the mere thought. “N-No, surely not. There’s no way. He- He probably isn’t even gay.”
A long, judgemental silence, followed by a click of Cub’s tongue.
“Okay, fine, he probably is gay, but- That doesn’t mean he likes me!” Scar continued to argue nonetheless. “There’s plenty of attractive guys on campus, and plenty of people who would treat him far, far better than I could. He deserves that.”
“Scar,” Cub said, forcefully, “he must’ve asked you out on about a hundred dates by now. I’m pretty fucking sure he’s at the very least interested in you.”
Scar blinked. “What do you mean dates?”
“Usually when people ask someone out for coffee, it means they want to go on a date.”
“No, no, he- he’s just doing that to be nice. Plenty of people get coffee after class.”
“Most people wouldn’t keep asking after the first no, though.”
“Well… maybe not, but…” He sighed. “Still. He asked me to a party, Cub. That’s not exactly a date, is it?”
“Never said it was,” Cub replied, “but it shows that he at least wants to hang out with you. Even if it turns out he doesn’t like you in that way, he considers you a friend, Scar. He wants to hang out with you. I’d take that as a good thing.”
“...right.” Scar gulped. “Right, okay, but… but what if he does like me, though?”
“Then congratulations, you’ve got yourself a boyfriend?”
Scar’s mouth fell wide open. “Who said anything about boyfriends?”
“I mean, feel like it’s about time you get one,” Cub said, far too casually. “I need someone to show all your embarrassing teenage photos to at your future wedding.”
“Who said anything about weddings?!”
“Look, man, just-” Cub paused, thinking, then sighed. “Get on out there and try to have a good time, at least. If something happens, then something happens. If you decide you don’t like that, then- well, if he’s truly a good friend, he’ll respect your wishes if you want him to back off, yeah?”
Scar hated how Cub was making so much sense. “…yeah. Yeah, he- I know he’d respect me like that. He’s a good guy.”
“Then you have nothing to worry about!” Cub exclaimed, and Scar hated even more how it made him feel a whole lot better. “Besides, if he does ever hurt you in any way, you know I’ll be on the first flight over to make sure he regrets it, yeah?”
Scar huffed, a small smile tugging at his lips. “Yeah. I know.”
“Good,” Cub said. “Now get on out there!” Scar could hear the grin behind his words, and that was enough for his smile to grow. “If you need me for anything at all, I’m only a text away, but- but I’m sure you’ll be fine, Scar. You’ll have a wonderful time.”
“Alright. Okay.” He took in a deep breath, slowly exhaling. “Thank you, Cub.”
“Of course, of course! Now go get ‘em!”
And that was how Scar ended up in some house he’d never been to before, on the opposite side of town to campus, standing next to the wall with a Piña colada and staring out across a crowd of unfamiliar people. The music felt just a little too loud, vibrating through his bones in a way he wasn’t quite used to - when he’d first come in, there’d been a guy playing guitar over in the corner, which was… nice, Scar had thought, so why they’d switched to this far too loud rock music blasting from the speakers Scar didn’t know. A few people had stopped by for a chat, asking Scar for his name and what he studied and how he knew Joel and a bunch of other inconsequential things that Scar was getting fed up with repeating, but he tried his best to put on a smile and be as friendly as possible. Even if all he really wanted to do was down the rest of his drink and get the fuck out of there already.
He hadn’t even seen Grian yet, which was the whole point of him coming! Which… fine, whatever. The party was at his house, he was probably just busy being a good host, or maybe had other friends here he wanted to talk to more than Scar (which would make perfect sense - sure, they were friends, Scar liked to think, but certainly not super close). It wasn’t like Scar was desperate to see Grian again, it wasn’t as if he needed Grian. He could handle one fucking party by himself, it was fine.
“Scar!” a voice called, and- huh. Speak of the devil.
(More like an angel, really.)
“Scar, you made it!” Grian exclaimed, grinning so brightly as he essentially sprinted across the room to stand next to Scar. He opened his arms up for what Scar could only assume was supposed to be a hug, but- but maybe Scar had just been imagining it or jumping to conclusions too quickly, or maybe Grian thought better of it and backed out whilst he still could, because instead all the man did was pat him on the shoulder. “It’s good to see you, I-” He paused, letting out a nervous laugh. “Honestly, I was beginning to think you wouldn’t show up. Been hiding up in my room for the past half an hour to avoid all these people. But- But I’m so glad you’re here now.”
Scar… didn’t know what he was supposed to make of that. He opened his mouth to respond, but no words came out. Instead, he just smiled.
Grian hummed in thought, gaze briefly darting around the room. “It’s a little loud in here, don’t you think?” It was loud. Way too loud. “You wanna move somewhere a little quieter?”
Again, Scar didn’t respond, but Grian must’ve seen the pleading look in his eyes and- and took pity. He gently took hold of Scar’s arm (so close to his hand, and yet so, so far) and began to drag him out, further into the house. Scar allowed him to lead the way, following without question.
Eventually, Scar found himself in a smaller room, a couple couches pushing up against the wall and a TV in the corner, a coffee table covered with various abandoned paper cups and a few groups of people chatting, some sat on the couches, some stood near the doorway, others just sat on the floor. The hum of music had thankfully dulled, now mostly muffled. Scar could already feel himself relaxing.
He allowed Grian to tug him over to one of the couches, pulling him down to sit beside him. With half the couch taken up by another pair, it was a bit of a tight squeeze, their legs and shoulders touching, but… Grian didn’t seem to be uncomfortable with it, and Scar could push through if he really had to. Grian wasn’t the worst person to be squished up against, to be fair, and at least he had ended up leaning against the arm of the chair rather than stuck in the middle next to the other people.
It didn’t take long for Grian and Scar to slip into a conversation - Scar was almost surprised by how easy it was. Pretty much exactly how it was in class, Grian smiling and laughing at pretty much everything Scar had to say, and… not judging him at all. Even if he was a little quieter than he’d usually be, allowing Grian to lead the conversation for the most part, it just- it felt nice. It felt nice to sit here and talk to someone and have that someone listen, have that someone care. Feel that someone pushed up against him, warm and firm, comfortable.
…sort of.
As he realised just how close he and Grian were, Scar once again almost felt sick.
(Maybe it was the alcohol. He chose to believe it was the alcohol. He was on his… what, fourth drink by now? The guy who’d let him in - Jimmy, he was pretty sure he’d said his name was - kept bringing more for him and Grian.)
He clutched his hand around his leg, squeezing it, sucking in a deep breath.
Besides him, Grian frowned. “You alright?”
Scar nodded, perhaps a little too quickly. “Yup! Fantastic, actually. Never been better. Having just- just the loveliest of nights right now.” His shoulders were wound up, skin crawling.
Grian didn’t seem convinced. Which, unfortunately, was fair. He opened his mouth to say something, some sort of reassurance maybe, but… nothing came out. Instead, he reached a hand across to Scar, lacing their fingers together and gently tugging his hand away from his leg. Scar let him, almost immediately relaxing as Grian squeezed his hand. “What’s wrong?” he asked, his voice soft. Gentle. Caring.
(He couldn’t fall in love.)
“Nothing, um-” His shoulders slumped down, a heavy sigh escaping his lips. He hesitated, unsure of how exactly to… explain everything, though eventually just turned to Grian with a strained smile. “Just been a while since I’ve… done this sort of thing.” He cleared his throat, looking away. “Parties, I mean. I, uh… It’s a little overwhelming, I guess. Not my usual scene.”
Grian began to rub his thumb over the back of Scar’s hand, and it almost made him melt . “I… get that. It’s not really mine either, to be perfectly honest,” he said, then paused, humming in thought. “What is your usual scene, then? Because I know it’s not the coffee shop or any of the cafeterias on campus, and whilst I see you in the library all the time you never seem particularly happy to be there.”
He was… fairly certain that Grian was joking there, but couldn’t help but take it as a slight personal jab. “Hey, I- I do go to the coffee shop sometimes-”
Grian quirked up an eyebrow. “I thought you didn’t like it there.”
“I do like it there.”
“What, so… is it just me that you don’t like, then?”
“What?” Scar exclaimed, eyes widening. “No, no, I- Why would you think that?”
“I’ve asked you about a million times if you want to go get coffee, Scar. You always say no. There must be a reason you say no.”
“I- I told you, I’m busy after class-”
“There’s no way you’re always busy. I’m never busy.”
“Well… y’know. Lots of studying to do.”
“Scar,” Grian said, “we’re in all of the same classes. I know when you’re busy with studying.”
Scar couldn’t tell him the truth about why he always refused. He couldn’t. Because that would mean admitting his true feelings, and that would be disastrous. It could completely ruin their friendship if Grian didn’t reciprocate, or…
Or even worse, Grian could reciprocate. And God knows what a shitshow that would be.
(Even if Scar wanted it so damn much.)
“Scar?”
He felt sick.
“Is it just me, or is it getting a little hot in here?” Scar said, tearing his hand away from Grian’s. “Yeah, no, definitely hot, uh… I think- I’m just gonna go step outside for a minute.” He stood up and, before Grian had chance to respond, bolted out of the room, desperately searching for an exit. He could hear Grian's calls behind him - or, at least, he assumed so, entirely possible he was imagining it - but did his best to ignore them, even if...
Even if all he really wanted to do was let Grian in. Let himself fall in love.
(He couldn't do that. He couldn't.)
He eventually found himself in a small back garden, entirely devoid of people, the hum of music still prevalent in the background. He ended up with his back up against the fence, and then with his head in his knees, after sliding down to the cold, hard concrete.
He shouldn't have come. He knew he shouldn't have come.
He almost reached into his pocket to grab his phone, call Cub, complain to him about how much of a terrible idea this had been, but-
"Scar!" a voice called, and Scar couldn't help but look up.
Couldn't help but be relieved when he saw Grian coming outside to find him.
"Scar," Grian said again, crouching down in front of him. "Scar, I-"
"I'm sorry," Scar said. "I-"
"I'm sorry," Grian interrupted, holding up a hand to signal to Scar to stop speaking. "What I... I shouldn't have- gone off on you like that. It's not that I think you don't like me, I- I know you- I mean, I'd hope that you-"
"I do like you," Scar said, definitively. "I- Gosh, Grian, I... I like you more than anyone else. Ever."
That made Grian pause. Retrace his words, rewire his brain. He opened and closed mouth a few times, struggling to find his words. "I, uh... you do?"
Scar exhaled. "Yeah. I do."
"So... So why do you keep refusing to hang out with me, then?"
"Because, I- I just..." He sighed. "Because I like you." Immediately, he winced, suddenly extremely afraid of how Grian would respond to that. Certain that he'd messed everything up.
But Grian, for his part, mostly seemed confused. Not at all disgusted like Scar had been imagining.
(Of course he wouldn't. Grian liked him too. There was no doubts about that.)
"How does that make any sense?"
"I don't know!" Scar exclaimed, throwing his hands up in the air. "I'm not good at this, Grian. People. Relationships. All of it. I don't- You're the first person in a long time that I haven't been able to get out of my head, and it's terrifying. I don't... I can't mess this up."
Grian was silent, for a long moment, and in that silence Scar's anxiety only grew, gnawing away at his stomach, and then moving on to consume the rest of his insides out as well, until he was sure there was nothing that remained. His breath stolen, his heart hammering.
But eventually, Grian's shoulders slumped down, and he looked to the side, looking almost... embarrassed. "If... If it's any consolation," he said, pausing briefly to clear his throat, "I like you too."
Scar blinked, looking up at him. "You... You do?"
"Of course I do," Grian said. "How couldn't I like you? You're... You're amazing, Scar. Truly. Y'know, you... you never fail to make me smile, you're always so much fun to talk to, you- I mean, I don't know if anyone's ever told you this, but you are smokin' hot, like- seriously, how you don't have all the guys and girls in our class falling at your feet I've never understood-"
Scar snorted. "That, uh... I find that most people don't really like me. And those that do, it's, uh, very rare that I like them back. In that way, I mean."
Grian huffed. "Well... those people are missing out, then. You're wonderful, Scar."
It still made him feel sick. All the implications there, knowing that... knowing that Grian probably wanted far more than Scar could ever give. Wishing that he could make Grian happy, but knowing he couldn't. Knowing that he should back away now before he hurt Grian later down the line.
And still wanting so desperately to give in. To let Grian take him.
Grian hummed in thought, eyes searching the garden, before they eventually landed back on Scar. "Do you wanna dance?"
Scar blinked. "Do I what?"
Grian shrugged. "I mean, if we wanna try it properly, that's usually how these things go. We are at a party, after all. And I'd love it if you would dance with me."
Scar gulped. "I, uh- I'm not much of a dancer."
"Neither am I."
"I'd probably make a fool of myself, Grian." As if he hadn't made enough of a fool of himself already.
"We have the whole garden to ourselves," Grian pointed. "It'd only be me that sees. And I don't think there's anything you could do to make me think of you as a fool."
He held out a hand.
Scar took it.
A smirk growing across his face, Grian pulled Scar up to his feet, then led him into the centre of the garden, beginning to dance along to the quiet hum of music. Scar did his best to go along with it, mostly following Grian's lead - he was clumsy, and a little stiff with his movements, unlike Grian who seemed to be a natural, but... strangely, Grian didn't seem to care. He still smiled ever so wide as he watched Scar, and it wasn't long before Scar began to loosen up. Enjoy himself.
Nor was it long before Grian began to move closer to him, until they were dancing chest to chest, Grian's arm reaching around his back, his gaze flicking down to Scar's lips.
He felt sick.
But still, he allowed Grian to lock their lips together, once again following Grian's lead as he moved his mouth against the other, tasting every inch of him.
And... it wasn't as bad as he'd thought it would be.
It was pretty damn wonderful, actually.
Scar had never actually kissed anyone before. He’d dated, very briefly in highschool after Cub had basically bullied him into trying it out, but… nothing had really stuck . He’d never met anyone who he’d really wanted to kiss, the thought of it had never been the most appealing thing. In all honesty, he’d expected it to just be kinda gross.
But with Grian?
Grian's lips were soft, just like he'd imagined. And gosh did Scar enjoy the feeling, Grian holding his back so securely, his body so warm. His own hand came to rest on Grian’s shoulders, gently tugging him in closer, and Grian pushed deeper against Scar’s lips, with even more passion than before. It caused tiny little sparks of electricity to dance across his skin. A tingling sensation that was… strangely pleasant.
Scar found that he never wanted to pull away.
Somehow, they ended up back inside, once again pushed up against each other on the couch, their lips still interlocked. Scar found that he didn’t care about all the people around him, watching him, didn’t care about how close he and Grian were, didn’t care about what Grian might think of him. He was happy, happier than he’d been in a damn long while.
He smiled. Grinned. Not caring at all when his teeth clattered against Grian’s, or when they had to rearrange themselves to get back into a comfortable position to kiss some more. How could he, when he could hear, feel Grian’s laughter, vibrating down his throat?
He smiled. And Grian smiled back. And they kissed, and kissed, and kissed, and Scar was so, so happy that it’d ended up like this.
For a moment, he could forget about all his worries, his fears, and just exist. Focus on nothing but Grian in front of him, Grian holding him, Grian kissing him.
Until Grian pulled away for air, and for the first time, didn’t pull him straight back in. “Hey, uh,” he said, glancing around the gradually emptying room, “how are you planning on getting home, by the way? You came here alone, right?”
Scar frowned. “Yeah, I did. I was probably just gonna walk?”
Grian hummed. “You can’t walk back home by yourself this late. Do you want me to walk you back?”
Scar blinked. “But… then you’d have to walk back here in the dark?”
“...right.” Part of Scar couldn’t help but feel like he was missing something, but before he could question it, Grian continued. “You could stay here for the night, if you wanted?”
Oh. “Here?”
“Plenty of room in my bed for two,” Grian said. “Or, uh… if you’re not comfortable with that, you could always take my bed and I’ll- I’ll sleep on the floor or on the couch or something-”
“Grian, it’s your house, I’m not gonna make you sleep on the floor in your own house.”
“So… you’ll share the bed with me?”
This was exactly what Scar had been worried about. But looking at Grian’s face, half of his mind just screaming at him to pull the man back in for another kiss, he simply couldn’t bring himself to say no. “Sure!”
And that was how Scar ended up in the bedroom of the man he’d definitely had a crush on for the better part of a year, and who’d very clearly had a crush on him, even if Scar had refused to believe it. That was how he ended up sitting on Grian’s bed, with Grian straddled over his lap, still kissing him senseless. That was how he once again ended up freaking the fuck out.
Well… sort of. He was enjoying it. The kissing, at least. And the general proximity. And the privacy, having Grian all to himself. And to a certain extent, he did enjoy the touches. Grian’s arms wrapped over his shoulders, one hand rubbing down his back and the other entangling itself in his hair.
But for the most part, he couldn’t help but think about where this was going to lead.
And none of the outcomes his mind supplied were ones he ever wanted.
Still, he kissed Grian, and Grian kissed back, and they slowly edged further back onto the bed, with Grian remaining on Scar’s lap, kissing him deeper and deeper and deeper and-
And eventually, Grian stuck his hand under Scar’s shirt, and he felt like his skin was on fire. And then it was wandering downwards, lower and lower, and…
Immediately, he stiffened, suddenly all too aware of the position he was in and hating it.
He hadn’t realised that he’d stopped breathing until Grian pulled away, looking at him with concern. “Are… you alright?” he asked, his voice understanding, sickeningly soft. “We can stop, if you want to.”
“No!” Scar exclaimed, then winced. Grian continued to stare at him, confused. Scar took in a deep breath. “I- I don’t… We can… keep going. It’s just, uh-” He didn’t know what he was supposed to say. He didn’t know how he was supposed to explain this. “Can we stick to the kissing? I- I liked that. Yeah.”
Grian narrowed his eyes, to start with, though his expression soon softened into a soft smile. “Yeah. Sure. Of course.” He took Scar’s face in his hand, pulling him in for another kiss, short but sweet. “Whatever you want. If you wanna take things slow, that’s perfectly fine.”
Take things slow. Meaning, eventually, he’d…
Scar pulled away from Grian, backing up as far as he could, his heart hammering in his chest. “Sorry,” he said. “I, um…”
Grian frowned, backing away from Scar as well. Scar wasn’t sure whether to be relieved or to pull him back in. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing!” Scar claimed, on instinct. “I just- I don’t-” He hesitated, then let out a heavy, resigned sigh. “I… can’t do this.”
For a long moment, Grian was silent. Scar kind of wanted to crawl into a hole and die. “What do you mean?”
“I just… I, um-” How was he supposed to explain this? “I haven’t really… ever done this sort of thing before? I don’t think I… should.”
Again, Grian was silent, taking in Scar’s words. After a moment, his eyes widened. “Oh! Like… this is your first time?” he guessed, and Scar felt like bashing his head against a wall. “If that’s what you’re worried about, it’s nothing to be ashamed of, y’know. I mean, I can’t pretend like I’m the most experienced person in the world-”
“No, no, that’s not-” He groaned. “I mean, yeah, it… would be, um, that, but- that’s not what I mean.”
Grian hummed. “Okay,” he said, carefully. “So… what do you mean? What, you- you don’t want to be with me?”
“I do,” Scar insisted, and it was true. “I do. So, so much, you have no idea, but… I can’t.”
Grian blinked. “You… can, though. I’ve been wanting this for months, Scar. Why are you-”
“I’m asexual,” he blurted out, before he could think otherwise.
And almost immediately he regretted it, because if he hadn’t already ruined his chances he certainly had now, and the silence that followed was deafening, his breath once again catching in his throat, suffocating him, and Grian wasn’t fucking responding.
“I’m… asexual,” Scar repeated, his voice quieter. Thinking about it, he didn’t think he’d ever actually said it aloud before. Not even to Cub, even if he had technically talked about his feelings regarding that stuff without the proper words. It felt weird, but… well, if it wasn’t for Grian in front of him, staring at him, he imagined it probably would’ve felt good. “And- And I do like you, really, you’re wonderful, but… I can’t do this. I can’t give you what you deserve. And you deserve so much, Grian. So, so much. I-”
“Scar,” Grian interrupted, shifting closer to him. Scar couldn’t help but flinch away, stiffening again. “Scar, I- Is that really it? That’s all you were worried about?”
Scar blinked, suddenly thrown off. “Huh?”
Grian gave him a soft smile, reaching out for his cheek. “Scar, you could’ve just said that. It’s fine, seriously. That isn’t gonna make me want to be with you any less.”
Oh. “But- You- I-”
“Scar,” Grian said again. Every time, it sent shivers down Scar’s spine, in the best way possible. “You are wonderful. And I like you exactly the way you are, yeah? And I’d never, ever force you to do anything that you don’t want to do. I promise.”
Scar felt like he might cry. He couldn’t cry, not in front of Grian.
But those words alone were enough to break down his walls. Enough to unlock his chains, unleash everything he’d buried so deep down.
Enough to make him fall in love, like he’d never done before.
He gulped. “...really?”
“Really,” Grian assured him. “I- Gosh, I’m so, so sorry if I made you uncomfortable at all, I-”
Scar shook his head. “It’s fine, Grian. You- You didn’t know. You couldn’t have known. I mean… we’ve been making out for the past, like, two hours, haven’t we?”
“Well, yeah, but-”
“It’s a fair assumption to make. I just…” He sighed. “This is why I… didn’t want to try this.” This was why he’d been trying so hard to push Grian away.
But God was he so damn pleased the man had managed to worm his way into Scar’s heart anyway.
“But… But if you’re sure-”
Grian nodded. “I am. I promise.”
Scar smiled. “Then… Then maybe we can try?”
“We can try,” Grian agreed, his shoulders slumping with relief. He hummed in thought, then shifted again on the bed, crawling under the covers and dragging Scar down with him. He wrapped his arms around Scar, holding him tightly, securely, safely. A hand in his hair again, gently stroking through his strands. “Is… this okay?” he asked, and Scar had never been more grateful to have met another person in his life.
His smile grew. “This is perfect,” he said, wrapping his arms around Grian as well, pulling him in closer. Grian buried his head into Scar’s chest, closing his eyes.
For the first time, it didn’t make Scar feel sick.
It wasn’t long before he fell asleep, and gosh was it the best sleep he’d had in a long, long time.
A few days later, once the weekend had ended and classes had begun once more, Grian came to sit next to Scar in the lecture hall, as he always did. If they just so happened to lace their fingers together when the professor was rambling about something probably irrelevant, then…
Well, neither of them said anything.
As people began to pack up, Scar handed Grian back his pen (because he always forgot, and Grian always remembered, and he was starting to feel just a little bit bad about the amount of pens Grian must’ve had to be buying for him at this point), and Grian turned to Scar with a smile.
“Coffee?” he offered, and finally, it didn’t make Scar panic.
“Sure!” he replied, beaming. “Coffee sounds wonderful.”
Scar hadn’t meant to fall in love with Grian.
But God, was he glad that he did.